Daughter's teacher

[illudere]

My daughter will be 4 in Feb, I lean towards being an overly hovering mom type.  I have always been scared, worried, anxious about leaving my daughter alone and possible answer is a restimulated issue of me being forgotten/left while on vacation when I was around 2 or 3, as well as being separated from my own mother at birth.  Mom had her tubes tied when I was born and supposedly was in the hospital for six weeks.  She died a few years ago so I am not able to verify the story.  But after learning about restimulation I have started to do things without my daughter, not a whole lot but its a start.  She is mostly home-schooled with dance and music classes where I wait outside. 

Yesterday she fell face-down on a carpeted surface during class.  I was sitting on bench outside her class, about 10 feet away when teacher released my daughter after class was over. My daughter walked over to me, and teacher says/ kinda mouthing it from class doorway, that 'we had a bit of a fall' but she's ok.  Daughter comes up to me and has a cut lip, blood on her nose, and carpet burn on her face.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I walked back to teacher and said, she's got a cut lip and nose bleed.  She looks down and says "does she?' oh she does.  She said "she said she was fine when I asked her." 

I was livid, furious...and am still upset and angry. She didn't even look at my daughter.  Prior to the fall, same teacher did take my daughter potty, and same teacher picked her up from the fall.  I live in a country where live in domestic help is common.  Last class, this same teacher looks at a helper (who generally aren't treated well ) and says O your mom is here.  Teacher is British, I am American Asian Indian.  Growing up we worked in our family owned hotel, MAID type work, as well as serving food to my dad and brothers who would just show up at the table, so lots of feelings of subservience. 

My daughter looked like she was in shock all evening, came home and went straight to sleep (I did check to make sure no concussion - she is still going through nap transition). She is extremely reluctant to show pain, always says I'm fine I'm fine.  I have been saying its ok to say if it hurts. Her reaction and reluctance is a direct result of my anger when she gets hurt.  My therapist mentioned that sometimes anxiety can look like anger.  I was relieved that there is a difference and felt a huge relief. I fit the definition of hyper sensitive.  Chaotic sounds stress me out, same with visual clutter, feeling others feelings stresses me out big time.  My daughter has a constant need for auditory stimulation and I get crazy with the constant sounds, then she is a wiggler, never sitting still, so I am on edge with her all the time, hence when she gets hurt I am already agitated and my words "are you ok?" come out as a bark.  I am not abusing my daughter, well I guess being ragefull can be considered a form of abuse.  I do apologize to her every time I lose it, because I am aware of the anger cycle in my family.  My mother was an extremely angry woman, and I find myself reacting just like my mom.   

My therapist thinks pulling her out of class would exacerbate the pain issues already there, maybe make her feel responsible for falling and hence further reinforce that its not ok with showing pain, otherwise mommy would get angry. Therapist thinks I should give O an option, see if she wants to go back.  (which feels like I am teaching her to condone and put up with shit like this) and that maybe either finish the remaining 5 classes or let her go one more time, then cancel. 

I have heard that complaining to a teacher can backfire, ie. other teachers (two other classes at same facility) may treat my daughter with a tad bit of negativity, or may haunt us in some other way.  like she may be a judge at some future musical audition...

I want to do whats best for my daughter.

And keep my own helper issues out of it.

We are thinking about taking it up with the owner of the school. 

And will be away for a week, so not sure if I should immediately take it up or wait till after our return.

All input welcomed.

-illu

[Hopalong]

Hi Illu,
I have just a couple minutes so this will be inelegant, thought I'd just throw down my opinions for what they're worth and you can take what's useful--ignore the rest! I'm serious about all of these but they'll come off disjointed w/no narrative:

--I think you should always carry and often wear those soft foam earplugs
--I think you should investigate biofeedback for anxiety
--I don't think anything terrible happened to your child at class, it sounds just like a childhood fall
--if the teacher wasn't solicitous enough that didn't make her abusive, just maybe that's her nature, not to overreact

Even if this is true (and I do believe it can be):

Her reaction and reluctance is a direct result of my anger when she gets hurt.  My therapist mentioned that sometimes anxiety can look like anger.  I was relieved that there is a difference and felt a huge relief.

It also is a comfort to you to know that yelling and being on edge are really because you're anxious.

However, to your daughter, she is experiencing feeling unsafe, unable to be authentic, unable to relax, because Mom is explosive.

So the most important opinion of all I'd like to share is that I believe your life would change for the good if you took:
--Parent Effectiveness Training classes
--anger management

Either or both. Change the cycle.

Good for you for examining what's happening, and caring so deeply about how it's going to affect her...good for you!

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hon:

Kids fall down and get hurt. They get back up again and are "OK - Fine". Especially at the younger ages; your D is 4. Why not take her word for it, that she's not in pain or scared or angry or anything? The less of a situation you make out of this, the better for your D. The unspoken message you'd be sending her, by accepting her answer is that you believe her, you know she's strong and resilient; and this will build her confidence. Sure hug her, clean up her lip & nose, check on it and let her know she's almost "as good as new". Remember, kids that age have a pretty short attention span and they easily move on to the "next thing". That's my advice for doing the best you can for your D.

Now, re the teacher, the classes etc. Does your D enjoy the classes, overall? Is she making friends? If you stop the classes, at her age, she MIGHT interpret this as something she did wrong and the removal of the classes as a punishment. She will not understand all the issues YOU feel and are dealing with, at all. Of course, you reacted to the bloody nose and lip! What caring mom wouldn't? But, in the overall scheme of things... in a classroom situation... it's quite likely that your D got up and really was fine, and that it was only later, that she started to bleed a bit. I think you might be feeling like this is a horrible disaster, that the teacher was negligent - or even biased toward your D. What evidence do you have - actual behaviors - to support or validate that feeling? Is it possible, you might be reading a lot more into the situation than really exists? Over-reacting because of your own past experiences? (Hey, it happens - me included... no shame there!)

Everything is OK, your D is fine... you can relax now; nothing really BAD happened, OK? This sounds like just normal kid-life-stuff.

Separate that "shock" of your reaction, from what you know about all the other experiences you - and most importantly your D - have had with the teacher and the class experience. Compare them. I think that's where you need to focus your energy... not on trying to imagine how your D feels or anyone else's motivations or behaviors.

Really, (((((((Illudere))))))), I think everything's OK, it's all right. And it's alright too, if you were all freaked out about this.

[Redhead Erin]

I can speak to this from the viewpoint of a smother-mothered daughter.  I'm on my first cup of coffee, so this may not be the most elegant, but here goes:

Please let your kid be a kid.  Part of being a kid is getting hurt a little.  It is part of the growing process to realize "Hey, I can fall down and get hurt and it will be OK."  Your over-protecting her can keep her from learning that she can function on her own. It teaches her that she is fragile, not resilient. It will teach her that world is an unsafe place.

Looking back at my childhood, I was never allowed to do anything that might possibly be the least bit dangerous.  I grew up fearful and averse to any pain. I missed out on a lot of things I really wanted to do, like sleep-away camp, horse jumping, missionary trips, and so on.  I had to suffer a horrible marriage, then go into the Army, then watch a finance die of cancer, then give birth, before I finally realized, "Hey!  I guess I'm going to be all right after all!"

A different kid might grow up reckless, rebellious, and thrill-seeking. 

I have noticed with my son, kids are amazingly resilient.  They almost seem made of rubber.  They fall and get up all the time. 

Somebody here said, the thing to do is to give her a hug, tell her you are there for her if she needs you.  I think that is the best course. 

[illudere]

Crap! My response got timed out and now are gone!!!! I wrote individual responses!


The thing that worries me the most is my daughter thinking I am not there to protect her.  I do realize my anger isn't fostering the warmest of places, where she can come to me if she needed to.  I was never able to say no, my parents were never there for me, I learned to ignore my needs and I knew I couldn't say anything to them.  This is not how I want things between my daughter and I. 

I know nothing bad happened to her.
The teacher may be racist.
And I may not be seeing clearly.
The thing to do is separate my journey from hers.

Hopalong: I never imagined that I would ever need anger management classes, P.E.T. Classes I can see taking (have the book, haven't read it). But I  am learning that dd's reaction is all that matters. 

Just got through Dave Pelzer's trilogy, My Story (Child Called It)... I was not prepared for his mother's brutality.

I wish I was innately loving towards my daughter. I never thought I would anything but loving.   

I am learning about hypersensitivity, thank you for the input on biofeedback. Will look into it


-ill       

[illudere]

PhoenixRising thanks for pointing out D may think she is at fault if I pull her from the classes.  I do not want to add on  more, we will probably continue as D is enjoying the classes.  I think I may not be a great home school teacher, and am glad she is enjoying classes. 

I think there is something not right about D's pain tolerance.  It dawned on me when she burned herself on a slow cooker a while back, she got a one inch by 1/8 inch thick burn on her leg.  I saw her playing and fumbling but she didn't react so I assumed she was ok.  It was later during bath time that I saw, and was shocked that I saw the whole thing but didn't look down. It's exactly what happened with this teacher, but isn't a lower leg, near ankle different than face?

 My ability to see clearly is a huge issue so I am not sure about this teacher.

The thing about racism, i've taken mommy and me classes with this same teacher and felt a subtle bit of it.  This may be petty but this is why it feels like it's there: a couple of time during torch time teacher would hand us a flashlight last,  by then all the good ones would have been given out, and how fun is non functioning flashlight in a dark room? Or a bunch of times, at the end of class she passes out stickers, kids are milling around for theirs, and my D would get pushed out, teacher can control it but would end up giving D last.  Ignored us a few times as we walk pass her on our way to other classes. 

And then  mistaking me for a helper. And why am I afraid of being seen as a maid? They are not treated well, not even seen as an equal human being.  We're in Singapore, its not pretty seeing people walk around like helpers don't exist. So I guess I want her to just plain see ME! Or the helpers for that matter.  Helpers get no chitchat, no update on what the kids did in drop off classes.

There is no love between us.

I do appreciate your input, my issues are secondary to raising a D who feels loved and is happy. 

[illudere]

Redhead Erin, thank you! It's great to hear your side, I am trying to let go.  It's not easy, nor is it comforting for me to think other adults will be nice to her.  I see so many people talking down to kids. 

 I also come from a culture where I wasn't allowed to do much, no after school anything, no sleepovers, no camping, never went to a high school party.  I had trouble imagining, my parents vision for my sister and I extended till high school, then married off and out of their hair, end of responsibility. Nothing was expected of us, we would accomplish nothing but being a good housewife, and that morevor less equaled being a maid.   

 I can never tell what will end up causing her issues, and I do  want to trust her reaction.

Thanks again!

-illudere