My daughter will be 4 in Feb, I lean towards being an overly hovering mom type. I have always been scared, worried, anxious about leaving my daughter alone and possible answer is a restimulated issue of me being forgotten/left while on vacation when I was around 2 or 3, as well as being separated from my own mother at birth. Mom had her tubes tied when I was born and supposedly was in the hospital for six weeks. She died a few years ago so I am not able to verify the story. But after learning about restimulation I have started to do things without my daughter, not a whole lot but its a start. She is mostly home-schooled with dance and music classes where I wait outside.
Yesterday she fell face-down on a carpeted surface during class. I was sitting on bench outside her class, about 10 feet away when teacher released my daughter after class was over. My daughter walked over to me, and teacher says/ kinda mouthing it from class doorway, that 'we had a bit of a fall' but she's ok. Daughter comes up to me and has a cut lip, blood on her nose, and carpet burn on her face. I wasn't sure what to do. I walked back to teacher and said, she's got a cut lip and nose bleed. She looks down and says "does she?' oh she does. She said "she said she was fine when I asked her."
I was livid, furious...and am still upset and angry. She didn't even look at my daughter. Prior to the fall, same teacher did take my daughter potty, and same teacher picked her up from the fall. I live in a country where live in domestic help is common. Last class, this same teacher looks at a helper (who generally aren't treated well ) and says O your mom is here. Teacher is British, I am American Asian Indian. Growing up we worked in our family owned hotel, MAID type work, as well as serving food to my dad and brothers who would just show up at the table, so lots of feelings of subservience.
My daughter looked like she was in shock all evening, came home and went straight to sleep (I did check to make sure no concussion - she is still going through nap transition). She is extremely reluctant to show pain, always says I'm fine I'm fine. I have been saying its ok to say if it hurts. Her reaction and reluctance is a direct result of my anger when she gets hurt. My therapist mentioned that sometimes anxiety can look like anger. I was relieved that there is a difference and felt a huge relief. I fit the definition of hyper sensitive. Chaotic sounds stress me out, same with visual clutter, feeling others feelings stresses me out big time. My daughter has a constant need for auditory stimulation and I get crazy with the constant sounds, then she is a wiggler, never sitting still, so I am on edge with her all the time, hence when she gets hurt I am already agitated and my words "are you ok?" come out as a bark. I am not abusing my daughter, well I guess being ragefull can be considered a form of abuse. I do apologize to her every time I lose it, because I am aware of the anger cycle in my family. My mother was an extremely angry woman, and I find myself reacting just like my mom.
My therapist thinks pulling her out of class would exacerbate the pain issues already there, maybe make her feel responsible for falling and hence further reinforce that its not ok with showing pain, otherwise mommy would get angry. Therapist thinks I should give O an option, see if she wants to go back. (which feels like I am teaching her to condone and put up with shit like this) and that maybe either finish the remaining 5 classes or let her go one more time, then cancel.
I have heard that complaining to a teacher can backfire, ie. other teachers (two other classes at same facility) may treat my daughter with a tad bit of negativity, or may haunt us in some other way. like she may be a judge at some future musical audition...
I want to do whats best for my daughter.
And keep my own helper issues out of it.
We are thinking about taking it up with the owner of the school.
And will be away for a week, so not sure if I should immediately take it up or wait till after our return.
All input welcomed.
-illu