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Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

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Lucky:
Sorry, haven't been on the board for quite a while but it is a bit of an emergency now.
What I have been fearing for years would ever happen is happening now.
My father has cancer I was told on Monday and my mother is a N. I could do with some advice please how to handle this.

sKePTiKal:
Hi Lucky...

You didn't say specifically what you need help with. Is your Nmom being a pain? Are you sad & worried about your Dad? I'm afraid I don't know enough of your "story" to know how this new situation impacts you, though I do get that the news about your Dad is probably upsetting.

Can you help out with some explanations about the situation? I'm gonna be around all weekend.

Lucky:
Hello PhoenixRising,

In the past I have read writings from people that were in the same situation and they said the N used the situation for whatever it was worth. So that made me a bit fearful. The lack of empathy, the guilt tripping, the manipulation, causing turmoil and frustration, you name it.

sKePTiKal:
Yeah, Ns are famous for that because - my guess only - they're jealous that they've lost the spotlight to the ill person. It's amazing what rediculous lengths they'll go to, to get it back, too.

All that aside, maybe it's best to just wait for something to happen and then figure out what's best for you in the situation. There's no set pattern to predict what you might face. So, my advice would be to focus on yourself - how you feel about everything, what kinds of things you need right now... and what you can/want to do for your Dad. Take care of what you can take of. That way, IF your Nmom gets up to tricks... you'll already have done the "homework" and won't have to do that at the same time as dealing with the impact of any hijinks.

Other folks here, really do have "war stories" to share on this topic. They'll be along, I'm sure. I don't have that experience. I just wanted to let you know I was out here listening.

Meh:
My father is sick and my mother is a Narcissist. They are divorced but there is a manipulative family nag flow still regardless of the divorce because my alcoholic brother is "taking care" of my father. Brother talks to mother and mother talks to me. My brother wants me to take over his position...and my mother is going to help my brother buy a house and move away from father...

The only thing I can really say is I ran to get therapy. RAN and left some shoe rubber on the ground. Ran like my rear was on fire. Total fire engine sirens are going off...I'm feeling whoooaaa.......my little self is ANTICIPATING total engulfment and pressure in the form of sadistic guilt put on me. But did any of my relatives respond to me when I need help....not really.

I have been resistant to therapy because I've done a lot of it but now this is a new episode of the ever unfolding soap opera.

Even in a healthy family situation where there is a death often people need some support...Quadrupled so I think when the dynamic is strange and includes a personality disorder going on or whatever other complications that prevent mutual concern and normal sharing of responsibilities etc., processing of emotions. That is a big thing I think is death is a huge emotional event for a lot of people and a Nar person makes it hard to grieve normally IMO.

I don't really know what your family dynamics are but I realized I NEEDED SUPPORT AND HELP emotionally from a professional.
Dynamics unfold slowly over time but there is a predictability to it. I know what they are going to do, I know what they expect me to do....If I don't do what they expect me to do they will punish me. That is part of a bad relationship, people can't discus and work with and negotiate expectations.

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