survivor of a relationship

[wonderandhope]

Last year I got out  of a 13 yr relationship with an N..... I actually find myself quite intact  considering the horror of it  all.
 I believe I was raised by an N so the "love" felt familiar ... I actually knew things weren't right early on but   had many a situational crisis  that kept me in  the relationship trying to be a caring person and to live up to being a committed  partner.....
 I do, however, have a real haunting ghost around me that  worries that I am in some way  sick for having stayed so long....  any one else go thorugh this  shame /fear ? and what do you do for yourself to  keep out of that hole?
Thanks for any wise words
Best to all of you
Wonderand hope

[bludie]

Dear Wonder and Hope,
Thanks for writing. I appreciate your candor and soul-searching. My situation is not that I stayed in the relationship very long, it's a matter of wondering how I could have ever gotten in it in the first place. When you speak of familiar love, I can really identify, since I now realize my Dad was a full-blown N.

In all my years (nearly 20) of counseling, self-help and spirituality, I got caught in an N-relationship which just recently ended. I didn't stay in it for long but question how or why I ignored the red flags (that went up right away on the first encounter) and allowed the N to derail my life in such a major way.

My only answer right now, which is one that I am sharing with you, is that we get what we need when we need it AND the teacher appears when the student is ready. I am trying to view this situation as a life lesson.

And although I have only begun my healing journey from this abusive relationship, I make a conscious effort to not hammer myself with the WHY question.  My mantra, of late, has been "it is what it is" and to accept where I am in the present moment.

Fact is, too, we fall in love with those darn Ns and remain hopeful and optimistic even when we are up to our eyeballs in alligators, so to speak.

Be gentle with yourself and glad you had the courage to leave this unhealthy and destructive relationship. In the long run, you'll be a better person for it. Promise!

[Anonymous]

I do, however, have a real haunting ghost around me that  worries that I am in some way  sick for having stayed so long....  any one else go thorugh this  shame /fear ? and what do you do for yourself to  keep out of that hole?

bludie has wise words on this....life throws relationships at us and we learn from them.

I'm still embarrassed about a fling I had with a wierd guy years ago, before I met my H. It was not a good idea and it got ugly very quickly. How I deal with the experience: compartmentalize it to a back closet of my mind, rationalize that it was a learning experience, that I was in a weak stage, that he did contribute some positive things to my life, it could have been worse, etc. Then I say to myself, "Move forward."

bunny

[BlueTopaz]

I do, however, have a real haunting ghost around me that worries that I am in some way sick for having stayed so long.... any one else go thorugh this shame /fear ? and what do you do for yourself to keep out of that hole?

Hi W&H,

I was in a romantic relationship with someone with N traits for 5 years.  After it ended, I asked myself the same "why did I" thing.  

I think we do have our own inner issues when we stay in these kinds of relationships for a long while.

How I "stay out of that hole", is that I don't look at this as necessarily a negative thing at all.  I see my part in things as a neutral but golden opportunity for introspection and hopefully, learning.  I think  introspection is really good, healthy, and even a necessary part of healing, if we don't want to repeat these kinds of attractions.

There is a difference between introspection, accepting with compassion the sometimes painful information about our inner selves we discover, and beating ourselves up over our former choices.

The first thing is healing, will keep you out of that "hole", and will allow for growth & improvement.  The second is not helpful at all.

Try to stick with the first and focus on the lessons of it all, without shifting focus and getting stuck in any negative self judgement and worry about something being "wrong" with you.  

Best wishes ...

BT

[guest today]

I do, however, have a real haunting ghost around me that worries that I am in some way sick for having stayed so long.... any one else go thorugh this shame /fear ? and what do you do for yourself to keep out of that hole?

Hi wonder,  My relationship with an NH lasted over 20 years.  And frankly, I do think there is something wrong with me for staying so long... hopefully something I can overcome.... but in my way of thinking, relationships are 50 -50.  If I hadn't on some level agreed to take it, he would not have been able to give it.  Does that involve fear and shame?  Yes.  Especially as it relates to my children.  I journal daily.  Often my entry involves the poor decisions I made.  I have a great sense of taking responsibility for my actions.  No one made me stay.... I did it myself.... yes the relationship was screwed up.  Yes I was constantly confused by the shifting dynamics.... but it was ME that stayed.  And really, there is something wrong with that.  

So now that I am out of the relationship how do I stay out of that hole?  I continue to say that I am responsible for my choices... and now I can make better choices.  I choose everyday to try to LIVE my life... not analyze it or write about it or think about it.... but to take action steps to participate in an active way in my life.   I try to live my life the way that I previously only hoped that I would.  I don't want to hope for my life anymore.  There is a saying, Love the life you live.   Wonder, I want to love my life.  And I want to live my life.

The past happened.  And it is a part of the fabric of my being.  But I do everything in my power to acknowledge that what is past is past.  And that the most proactive thing I can do is to be present in my present.  I don't want to waste anymore days.