Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you were able to find some measure of happiness on today's holiday.
A thought crossed my mind as I struggled with my N family situation from my hotel room today. i wonder what would happen if all of our respective Nmoms, Ndads, Nspouses gathered together at the same holiday celebration? Would they recognize true N behavior in each other (but not in themselves, of course)? Would they be as miserable as we? Would they feel disrespected, disregarded and diminished? How would they tolerate it? It would be a sight to see, for sure.
Somehow I thought it would be easier spending the day alone today.....but it isn't. I suppose because I know this isn't just about today...but that nothing will change. Next year, if I permit it, this same scenario will play out. I'll still be the only one who compromises, gives in and goes along. I'll still be left feeling alone and disregarded. It's so hard to see all the emphasis on family and love and good times at this time of year when you don't get to feel that, or be a part of it.
My family ruined this holiday for me...again. But what I realize is that I was the only one in the family who didn't get the holiday they wanted. My N mom and completely Co-D dad got what they wanted---spending Xmas Day with the Golden Child and making no effort whatsoever with the obligatory Christmas Eve time they spent with their other children and grandchild. My detached brother got what he wanted because he has the Hallmark (wife and beloved daughter) family he can appreciate...and in the end, got to host the usual holiday celebration he wanted.
I wish I wasn't one of those Christmas people..I wish I was more like those who just want to get through it....but I'm not. I was always the one who did all the decorating, planning, shopping.....always thinking of how I can make the holiday special for my family. Perhaps by next year, there will be a way I can find others who might appreciate it and create a new kind of holiday and try to pretend that the one I really wanted didn't matter so much.
Oh, well, sorry for this little holiday vent. I'd like to think that some of you wherever you were today had a good holiday, the kind that you can look back upon with fond memories. A new year is not far away and that can only bring hope for better times.
Merry Christmas.
sunblue
