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Meh:
Not sure yet if this should be a topic or if I should just write to myself. I'm feeling too fatigued to keep up a one sided deep conversation though (like I sometimes do). I feel like this could be one of my locked ramble posts but like I said I only have so many words right now. I'm on therapist # nine. Reminds me of the song: "Love potion number nine" maybe because if I had experienced enough love maybe I wouldn't need a therapist. Who knows really.

I don't have a point mainly just to express frustration with how much difficulty I find in getting help to make things different.
Or maybe better.

I just want to talk to a friend not a therapist. I don't like the way she documents every thing I say in such a clinical way that my sensitive guts are spilled out and recorded for any intern or somebody that I don't know to see. I feel exposed and I feel resistant to sharing with a therapist because they haven't proven themselves as a friend so why would I want to share?

I guess I'm struggling within myself not sure if I want to go back to the therapist again. My second appointment is coming up.

Bouncing box here. SAVe

Meh:
Guess I just want to say to the therapist "It's been a long time since I have felt loved, I just want to feel loved"

I could say that to a friend.

But this dumb therapist wants to do all of that cognitive crap with me about "re framing my thoughts" or whatever.
Maybe I should just get a referral or give up I don't know.

I'm finding that other people seem to have less self awareness than I do....because they were never so F'ed up that they looked at their lives and selves and even their inner child and inner demons very much....ALSO they, YES THEY, THEM, the OKAY people don't seem to need this damned cognitive therapy feedback crap.....I thought cog. ther. feed...was old and didn't really work. I've read whole books and done stupid work books IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not looking for advice really just expressing a frustration with how I have tried to get help but I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore, I do know that I don't have a lot of faith in this cognitive self-talk because positive self talk only gos so far.
Hey look a single pea!!! Wow that is better than a whole Turkey!!! As long as I think it then it's true??

The world is not all in my mind, I could be here and the world could be here even if I was in a coma.
I'm not really looking for advice I'm just feeling sad and hopeless tonight and therapists have been a dissapointment to me personally.
The therapists and people who meet me say that they get the impression that I'm motivated. Of course I am. But nothing is working!!!!!!

I don't even know what sort of therapy I should ask for. Not cognitive feedback therapy I guess. Does anybody do anything else besides Cognitive feedback stuff?

I think the dumb therapist is unrealistic and doesn't get me. She suggested that I go back to school at the nearest university. I feel like that is beyond me. Pretty much the social worker deterred be from such an idea. I don't really know what is possible but I know what seems unlikely. I'm confused and tired and lonely. I just needed to say that. Sometimes I just need a place to say how I'm really feeling, I don't need a lot of sympathy and stuff I just need to be real somewhere even if it is on a blog in interspaceland. It's part of me trying to have that voice.

I feel like I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Sort of feel like this life and this world is having it's way with me, like I don't even get to define myself. I didn't feel this way a couple of years ago. I hope its just a phase.
I don't know what saxophone players are saying but I'm sure they are speaking to my heart because music is the only thing that makes any sense to me and it doesn't have any sense. There is a limit to what words and thoughts can do.

Meh:
You guys can write whatever the heck you wanna write or if you don't feel like it not. Just don't want to talk myself through this right now like I usually do. Don't want to figure anything out, I just want the other nice voice on the other side.

there is like some kind of rule that we cant fall in love or can't need love when we are too needy

on some level it makes sense in a controlled logical kind of world----but on a heart level it is like the dumbest thing ever

BonesMS:
Morning, Boat.

I've been on both sides of this coin so I can feel your pain.  At one of my former jobs, I was expected to provide cognitive behavioral therapy, WITHOUT ANY FORMAL TRAINING IN THE TECHNIQUE, to ALL clients!  I vehemently disagreed with the "one size fits all" approach as each client is a unique individual...not a textbook case.  I HATED it when previous therapists tried the "one size fits all" approach on me so I strongly felt it was NOT the appropriate thing to do to others.  I'm aware there are several therapeutic approaches available to professionals.  Unfortunately, not all professionals get it that Survivors of N's should NOT be forced into a "relationship" with the N who victimized them.  I lost count of how many "professionals" quoted the same old tired line of:  "But, she's your mother!  She loves you!"  (And this was before I finally understood Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

I guess I can say, based on my own experience, that attempting to force a client to fit a certain "pigeon-hole" does NOT work!  Reminds me of an old saying I heard somewhere, which I will paraphrase here as I'm not sure if I remember exactly...(it's still early and I'm half-asleep)....."Trying to teach a pig how to do something it's not designed to do doesn't work.  It's an exercise in futility and it annoys the pig."

I want to make it clear.....we are NOT the same as pigs in the literal sense of the word but ignorant professionals are annoying.  (As I wake up more, I may find a better concept and analogy to use later.)

Bones

Hopalong:
A good therapist, I believe, could sit quietly and allow you to read aloud these three posts...one who could search to understand what works for you...I mean, that's really information that might help them.

For me it's not so much whether cognitive behavioral therapy works for me (I dunno, sometimes I don't even ask what "style" a T is into, because what matters most to me is their intelligence, compassion, depth of listening, and whether I sense they have a "spark" for witnessing/encouraging growth. I know for some other things, a type called dialectical behavioral therapy is good. Gestalt is the one where you talk to the chairs.

For me, hypnosis was the most life-changing and extraordinary, in terms of ME constructing where I wanted to go.

I wanted to tell you, Bones, that I think Therapist #9 would be an under-count for me. I have been to at least a dozen, likely. A few years ago I came to accept that, to stop judging/shaming myself for the fact that I am a person that will probably all of my life need to go through a cyclical relationship with a kind, wise, etc., T who will listen to me and help me learn to comfort and encourage myself. I'm not in a village, there's no shaman handy, and it's just a role in this culture that wears that hat. I give. Then, if I accept it as something I need and deserve and that there's zero shame about needing...it helps.

It's just the nature of who I am. Missing some filters, having certain mental quirks (like marked ADD) that make contemporary Western life a little challenging at times. And I need a level of interpersonal support that my current life does not include. If I stop judging myself, and think of a T just as I would a doctor -- no miracles but appropriate help -- then it's okay.

I understand this feeling:
--- Quote ---I don't like the way she documents every thing I say in such a clinical way that my sensitive guts are spilled out and recorded for any intern or somebody that I don't know to see. I feel exposed and I feel resistant to sharing with a therapist because they haven't proven themselves as a friend
--- End quote ---
I feel that discomfort too. I sometimes challenge my T -- don't write that down -- or ask, what are you writing down? He doesn't write much though.

And he's always ready to laugh. He has a lightness of being that helps me find my own. Once I was crying gently and he said, well, I guess you've got a crappy job with a creepy boss and a daughter who hates you...and I said, "Think I have something to cry about?" and we both started laughing simultaneously...it was just acknowledging together the absurdity of being human, a pathos thing.

Anyway, dear ole Boat, I know you didn't ask for advice. Just wanted to ramble back at you that I understand a lot of the fears and frustration you're feeling on seeing a new T. When we need SO MUCH, it feels like SO MUCH rides on the T being a sort of Super-T, and then you get just another one with the same ole toolkit.

But different carpenters, same tools, can really help you build things...takes a little time.

One thought, if it's handy...is that every single time you go for therapy, no matter who "the T" is...you're actually the therapist.
xo
Hops

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