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Physical Boundaries with an N?

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KayZee:
Happy Early New Year Everyone,

I'm sorry to post this here on the main board.  Maybe it will help someone else?  Maybe some of you have had the same experience and have some tips?

A new, really troubling problem has presented itself with my NM and it has me feeling really unnerved, almost frightened...

Over the course of the past year or so, I've really emotionally detached myself from NM.  I think she sees and understands that her old tricks don't work on me.  I don't kiss up to her/compliment her/agree with her when I feel the opposite; I don't stand by and listen when she spreads gossip/speaks poorly about other people in our family; I don't forgive her bad behavior, allow the subject to be changed, the second she pulls the weepy "poor me" act; I don't let her interject herself into my finances/family/child-rearing; I don't even fall for it when she gives me rare compliments and niceness, trying to lure me back into her reign of terror.  Basically, I just avoid her as much as possible and, when we are together, I'm tight-lipped and white-knuckled just trying to emotionally protect myself and just "get through it."

Anyway, now that NM sees that her emotional bullying tactics aren't having a visible effect, she's started being really physical when she sees me.  She tries to physically intimidate me: Leans in too close to me when I'm addressing other people, so it's almost impossible to see them around her.  Corners me and bear-hugs me too tight (NM is usually cold/unaffectionate and actively avoids hugs).  Once, over Christmas, she actually leaned her face into mine, like she was going to kiss me on the mouth, but instead she painfully smashed her forehead against mine.  I can't remember what she was saying to me at the time, likely something "teasing" i.e. meanness disguised as love. 

I can't handle this.  I'm really upset.  How do you set and enforce physical boundaries with an N?  I feel like, if I tell her not to touch me, she's just going to do it all harder and more, just the way she does with all the verbal abuse.

I should have been prepared...In a pre-Christmas phone call, she'd put on Oscar-worthy tears and told me that, "The next time she saw me, she was going to need a big hug.  Something to let her know that, no matter what happens, we're still a family."  (Translation: The next time I see you, I need to know that, no matter how poorly or abusively I behave, you'll put up with it because we're family.)  During Christmas, she cornered me in a doorway and said, her tone angry and argumentative, "You know, I'm still waiting for that hug."

Anyway, I'd really appreciate any help and advice.  I'm really at a loss with this one.  It makes me sick to my stomach.

Kay

P.S.- Off topic, but I don't know where else to put it....Has anyone here ever read the psychological thriller "Sharp Objects" by Gillian Flynn?  It features the most terrifying N-Mother.  Many echoes between my NM and her.

Hopalong:
"I need to not be touched right now.
I don't want to discuss it but if I am pushed
on this, I will be leaving."

Then...she touches. Or "discusses".

You, with dignity and composure, pick up your coat and leave.
(Do it again, any time it occurs.)

It's the only way to teach boundaries to an N.

State your intention and state a specific consequence.
Enact the consequence immediately, without drama.

Hops

KayZee:
Thank you so much Hops,


--- Quote ---State your intention and state a specific consequence.
Enact the consequence immediately, without drama.
--- End quote ---

I want to tattoo this on my brain, make it my new mantra.

I will definitely be trying this next time.  And hopefully, next time, NM will not be in my house (from which I have no easy escape).  I usually try my damndest to go to her, instead of having her come to me.  When I go there, at least I can leave.

Kay x

Hopalong:
Amazing that I just read your story update (after I'd posted this).

It was actually quite thrilling. I LOVED reading the refrain.

Sorry you crashed afterward but you know, you really did it extremely WELL.

(Practice. It's all just practice. It'll never be fun but it WILL get easier.)

Another one: ...see Nmother whispering into DD's ear.
Immediate Pick Up DD and (your own refrain)...

You will win this. Just with practice.

(No, you'll never get to make yesterday different. But you are changing today.)

I can hear that this is such a primal, arduous, draining battle, the effort of "No."

I swear, you will grow into it. Then it will be calm.

Have you ever taken a 3-D assertiveness training workshop?
You would love love love this, imo....

Hops

JustKathy:
This is really interesting. I haven't heard of many NMs who were overly physical. My NM has always acted as if she were repulsed by me. I don't remember her ever hugging me, even as a child. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, other than to agree with Hops. Be firm with her, and if she won't take "no" for an answer, your best option (maybe the only option) is to leave. Ns don't respond to polite requests. You're probably going to have to force your feelings on her the way she's forcing them on you.

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