Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Physical Boundaries with an N?
KayZee:
Hops: Thank you for the advice re: this
--- Quote ---Another one: ...see Nmother whispering into DD's ear.
Immediate Pick Up DD and (your own refrain)...
--- End quote ---
I get really concerned about the way NM deals with my daughter. It's very antagonistic. She mocks DD when she cries, tells me DD is "faking," "manipulating" me, etc. She often finds a way to single DD out, victimize her when I'm distracted with cooking, or the baby or company. If and when DD sees NM again, I'm going to be more pro-active about removing her from the situation. If it sets NM off, well then she can screw off and lose any and all right to visit with my children.
My Co-ND is weird with my daughter in a different way, always offering to put her to bed or lie down with her for a nap. (This makes me viciously angry and uncomfortable. My childhood home was emotionally/verbally, if not physically, incestuous, and Co-ND's behavior looks pretty darn pedo). I constantly feel like an angry mama bear protecting my babies from my predator parents. They strike when DH and I are preoccupied.
Speaking of Ns and grandchildren, I don't suppose anyone has any advice here....My GC and possibly N-sister keeps leaving her almost four-year-old daughter alone at my parents' house for weeks at a time. (I'm talking one-to-three weeks nearly every month for the past two years.) Not only is my parents' house not a safe place for kids, but I really worry about the abandonment issues it's likely giving my niece. What would you do in this situation? It's nearly impossible to confront my sister; NM has turned her against me and we've hardly had any relationship for going on four years. I also don't want to make her feel attacked during a difficult time--GC sis is going through a divorce--but it's all going a little Casey Anthony. Feels like my sister (a young mother) is dumping my niece with my abusive parents because she's tired of being a mother.
Dear Kathy: Our experiences are so similar. NM never hugged me either (unless it was in public or an effort to pass off some mean taunt as a joke). There was hardly any physical affection when I was a kid; it was all rough face scrubbing and painful hair brushing. That's why NM's sudden physicality is so weird. It doesn't feel like intimacy, it feels like physical intimidation. It's aggressive, even painful.
(Oh god, that brings up a memory...maybe NM has done it before. Right after I got engaged, NM grabbed my left hand and squeezed it so hard I squealed. Tears came to my eyes it was so painful. Then she said, "Oops! Sorry! I totally forgot you have a ring on that hand now!")
Anyhow, thank you for this reality check. You're so very right. Though it's difficult to accept. I hate conflict and confrontation!
--- Quote ---Ns don't respond to polite requests. You're probably going to have to force your feelings on her the way she's forcing them on you.
--- End quote ---
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on December 29, 2011, 11:43:13 AM ---Thank you so much Hops,
--- Quote ---State your intention and state a specific consequence.
Enact the consequence immediately, without drama.
--- End quote ---
I want to tattoo this on my brain, make it my new mantra.
I will definitely be trying this next time. And hopefully, next time, NM will not be in my house (from which I have no easy escape). I usually try my damndest to go to her, instead of having her come to me. When I go there, at least I can leave.
Kay x
--- End quote ---
Morning, Kay.
The last time an N attempted to get physical with me, at my graduation when she attempted to rip my regalia apart before the marching, I did tell her, with words, to stop and she continued her physical assault. (I would classify what both your N and mine did is PHYSICAL ASSAULT if not BATTERY!) The next thing I did, which worked for me, was that I SHOVED her away while yelling "NO!" at the top of my lungs!
This N also had the bad habit of showing up at my home, uninvited, and parking her car in my neighbor's reserved spot without the neighbor's permission. I informed her that she was no longer welcome given that she was attempting to force me to do what she wanted. I also warned her that my neighbor was fed up with her trespassing and is prepared to call the police and the tow truck the next time the reserved parking space is encroached upon. She responded that she would simply have her disabled mother in the car, then no one would DARE touch her car! I stated that I would call Adult Protective Services on her! (She was forced to deal with APS previously when one of her mother's doctors contacted them. The N was NOT a happy camper about being forced to do the responsible thing.) When the N realized that she would be forced to deal with the authorities the next time she showed up, uninvited, she FINALLY left me alone! Thank, God!
Bones
sKePTiKal:
Kay honey - I was that child, like your niece. You are right to be concerned, but that's also very dangerous territory for you to tread on - at the moment. Most of the time, I was left with my "good witch" grandma... for weeks at a time. And I avoided the "bad witch" grandma as much as a kid can, but was still left there too much for my liking. Trust me - I knew the difference even at a very young age.
Much as I hate to see any kid go through anything remotely similar to my experience, I just don't think it's safe for you to try to intervene yet. Spend some time on you... getting stronger in those personal boundaries... working through the old past sludge of awful feelings, and on to new ones... rework some of the brain habits that keep you chained into FOO-follies... for a bit longer.
You can still think about ways you might be able to engage with the little girl, outside of the normal FOO center of madness. Like have a slumber party and invite her over to spend time with your D. Then, just be the example of the positive caring parent. Absolutely no badmouthing or inquiring about her mom or grandma allowed... just become a safe refuge, where she can be a normal little girl.
The risk I see you contemplating is rescuing the child from the clutches of evil Ns... only to have them direct all their fury at you. And trust me, that fury will be very uncomfortable... no matter how much healing one has done.
That said: if you observe any direct physical abuse... you may be able to report it anonymously. The laws are getting more enlightened regarding neglect, too... but emotional abuse still is too hard to quantify legally; it's still very subjective in definition. And the possibility exists even in reporting - that the situation will get worse for the child before eventually getting better. Others here have better experience with this, than myself.
Please be careful, about getting involved in this. Clear and stated personal boundaries are going to be your best friend, right now.
KayZee:
Thank you so much for the insight and compassion, P.R.
Hurts deeply to think that you were hustled between homes as much as my niece.
This is a definite:
--- Quote ---The risk I see you contemplating is rescuing the child from the clutches of evil Ns... only to have them direct all their fury at you. And trust me, that fury will be very uncomfortable... no matter how much healing one has done.
--- End quote ---
I think you're absolutely right. I'm just gonna keep on keepin' out of it. Nothing to be done but be an accepting/affectionate aunt in the rare moments when I get a chance. Even a few times a year, that goes a long way. If I hadn't occasionally had my own loving aunt (NM's remarkable sister), I can't imagine where I'd be.
Bones: Your NM never ceases to astonish me (in a horrifying way). I know NM's are prone to trashing special days/rites of passage. But trying to rip your regalia takes it to a whole new level. I'm in awe of your strength and conviction. To be able to shove her off--tell her off--that's no small feat.
I'm deeply relieved to hear your NM has stopped showing up at your house. What a horrendous violation of boundaries, space, human decency! If she hadn't I was going to urge you to get a restraining order. Your strength and resiliency are an inspiration.
Hops: I've ever tried a 3-D assertiveness training workshop. But I think I could use one. Are they common? How did you find them? What kind of exercises did they teach you?
Kay x
Guest:
Dear Kay
Assertiveness classes are one thing, how about looking into self-defense for women classes?
When I read this:
--- Quote ---Once, over Christmas, she actually leaned her face into mine, like she was going to kiss me on the mouth, but instead she painfully smashed her forehead against mine.
--- End quote ---
I thought, what's Kay going to do the day she comes at you, or one of your family, with a big meat knife? Such things happen and they happen to ordinary people; nice, good, ordinary people who don't want to believe they have a complete nutter in the family.
Nutters like yours and mine and so many talked about here, they get worse with age and they lose any inhibitions they might have had.
Your mother is being very aggressive towards you. You must learn to defend yourself, physically. You can stop someone touching you just by holding their arms. You can make a joke of it, say you have an infection so she's not allowed near you, it doesn't matter how you do it - the thing is to be able to do it and know that you're protecting yourself from someone who means you harm.
Just my opinion.
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