Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Physical Boundaries with an N?
Hopalong:
Hi KZ,
A women's resource center or women's studies department, if you persist, should be able to find you that sort of connection, or link to it. I swear, it would be worth driving to another city once a week, that's how valuable a workshop in assertiveness can be.
You may have to look for the hairy old feminists to find one, but I pray they're still happening.
:)
Hops
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on December 30, 2011, 10:04:46 AM ---Thank you so much for the insight and compassion, P.R.
Hurts deeply to think that you were hustled between homes as much as my niece.
This is a definite:
--- Quote ---The risk I see you contemplating is rescuing the child from the clutches of evil Ns... only to have them direct all their fury at you. And trust me, that fury will be very uncomfortable... no matter how much healing one has done.
--- End quote ---
I think you're absolutely right. I'm just gonna keep on keepin' out of it. Nothing to be done but be an accepting/affectionate aunt in the rare moments when I get a chance. Even a few times a year, that goes a long way. If I hadn't occasionally had my own loving aunt (NM's remarkable sister), I can't imagine where I'd be.
Bones: Your NM never ceases to astonish me (in a horrifying way). I know NM's are prone to trashing special days/rites of passage. But trying to rip your regalia takes it to a whole new level. I'm in awe of your strength and conviction. To be able to shove her off--tell her off--that's no small feat.
I'm deeply relieved to hear your NM has stopped showing up at your house. What a horrendous violation of boundaries, space, human decency! If she hadn't I was going to urge you to get a restraining order. Your strength and resiliency are an inspiration.
Hops: I've ever tried a 3-D assertiveness training workshop. But I think I could use one. Are they common? How did you find them? What kind of exercises did they teach you?
Kay x
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Kay.
To clarify things a bit, the N I was dealing with at my graduation was a former classmate from high school, not the NM. The NWomb-Donor had already been long dead. It just took me a while to figure out that this so-called "friend" had never been a friend at all.
Bones
Hopalong:
Hi KZ,
I just posted "DIY Assertiveness Training" on the What Helps? forum...
Hope it's helpful!
Hops
KayZee:
Hey Freshwater,
--- Quote ---what's Kay going to do the day she comes at you, or one of your family, with a big meat knife? Such things happen and they happen to ordinary people; nice, good, ordinary people who don't want to believe they have a complete nutter in the family.
--- End quote ---
You're absolutely right on that one. I should preface this by saying, I know the following is going to sound completely dysfunctional/screwed-up, letting abuse/fear rule my life etc... But, I maintain minimal contact with NM because I think there would be an EVEN GREATER chance of her coming at me with a meat cleaver if I cut off contact. If I stopped returning her calls, told her I didn't want to see her, it's not hard to imagine a scenario in which she snatches my children or finds some other way to come after me.
I don't really know how much NM is capable of or if it's all talk, but I've heard her say some really criminal/lawless/violent things in the past five years. She's talked about plans to take my niece over state lines, violating the terms of my sister/ex-bro in law's divorce agreement in the process, for all intents and purposes abducting her. Back in the days when NM didn't like my sister's boyfriend, she talked repeatedly about how she was going to hire a hitman to kill him. Twisted delusional stuff. But, to my knowledge, just fantasy. I have heard my enabling Co-N father call her "dangerous" on multiple occasions, but I don't really know if that speaks to her power or his weakness.
KayZee:
Hi Bones,
Man, you're right there...Definitely no real friend there! It's hard enough to deal with an N-parent, without drawing N-friends into our sphere too. It's like they can sniff us children of Ns out...but then I suppose we are drawn to them too (feels familiar). Anyway, as the years pass and the healing continues, have you found it easier to find friendships with true intimacy/empathy and give-and-take? I'm still working on this one. Really hard to open up to friends sometimes, I've had bad experiences w/N-friends too in the past.
Hops,
Thank you for the link! Assertive language/behavior often feels like Swahili to me. Mentioned on the other thread, in my FOO there was only aggressiveness/anger or passive stoicism. Finding something in between is my life-long struggle. It would be nice to find a place where I could practice being calm but strong and firm.
Kay x
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