Hi Peace!
What you said, really hit home with me:
They can put me into the “beaver cleaver” puzzle and diagnose me, but can they ever, ever, give me the perfect “beaver cleaver” after ending? No they can’t, because, IME, it doesn’t exist … not in my world.
I think what you just said, is the source of what passes for my source of "creativity". And why I "keep trying" and don't ever just "give up". If it doesn't exist, my logic at the time went... then I'll just try to MAKE IT, so it does exist. That didn't work so well, either! LOL... so it was back to the drawing board...
There are moments though. They're all different, when I just happen to glimpse and feel that everything all around me is perfect (in it's own way) just the way it is -- dysfunction and all. Now, what I accept in that perception of "perfection" moment probably wouldn't be considered "beaver cleaver", at all! But that's the key, I think - there is no one size fits all definition - we all make up our own. Yours will be different than mine - but we might appreciate a few things from the other's - the common thread.
What I can't decide, can't learn... is whether that perception I have - that all's right with the world in this moment - is something letting go internally in me... or if it really exists all the time as some sort of wavelength, frequency of vibration and being that I'm only tuned into sporadically. So even tho' the moments really are just that - like subliminal advertising in my normal perception of "reality" - they sure seem real to me and not just wishful thinking. And I'll take every nanosecond of that reality that comes my way! They're like wound-healing moments... and each one smooths out the scars, de-activates another line of code behind certain "buttons"... etc.
Fun helps. Play... was really hard to re-learn for me. As far back as I can remember, I was programmed to understand "play" as education or training for skills. Fun always got me in trouble. We could all use a little play-therapy!
