Pondering

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

I've been reading about the way our bodies can store/hold on to trauma and been trying out some of the exercises suggested (in order to release these things).  I'm suprised at what I'm noticing, given that I thought I was a bit of an old hand at this - it seems there is still a lot I don't know about myself!

It seems I'm almost completely disconnected from my body.  The exercises suggest things like breathing into certain parts of your body, bringing your awareness into them, noticing how you feel, physically - warm, cold, tingly etc, as well as emotionally - safe, nervous, content, angry and so on.  It took me about a week to feel my body at all.  As I've started being more aware of it, I've noticed that I ache constantly, I get a lot of headaches and times of feeling sick, I feel like I need to pee almost constantly and I have almost constant pain in my neck, shoulders and hip.

I've been trying to connect with my body more and 'feel' myself - the book suggests focusing on how your body feels doing every day activities and noticing the wind, sun, rain etc on your skin and so on.  I find it difficult to manage this for more than thirty seconds before my mind gets busy again.  This in turn has made me realise how much I live inside my head - it's almost constant, and I find it very difficult to feel instead of think.  The suggestion in the book is that this is all to do with disassociating, and a way of controlling painful or unpleasant events (in the past).

I was just suprised at how little of this I'd noticed.  Emotionally, I feel a lot more balanced and stable than I used to.  I've been to see an osteopath about my back today and she's given me a bit of a kick start and some exercises to do at home to keep things supple and moving.  I'm also seeing an acupuncturist I've seen before to see if she can 'shift' anything with her magic needles!

I just wondered if any of this rings true with anyone else?  I really hadn't noticed how much I don't notice my body!  I don't spend as much time on myself as I did when I was younger but I think that happens to most people when they have children - time just vanishes and before you know it something you used to do regularly has just stopped happening.  It's not so much about how I look, though, as how I feel - I almost feel like my body is just something my head drags around?

Perplexing!

[sKePTiKal]

Yes Penny. I know just what you mean!

But, I wonder - is it objectively "bad" to not be all that aware of one's body 24/7? Or to be in one's head instead? I kinda think that there are times/places when that's completely called for! I think I'd be exhausted all the time, trying to process all that sensory input! Remember the Princess and the Pea? If I didn't ignore or block out or simply adjust the "throttle" on all that physical input... I wouldn't be able to function.

We are: mind - body - emotion. The balance of awareness/intentional "listening" to each one is always in flux. As it should be. There is no point of "perfect balance" to be achieved -- it's a constantly moving target. It's more like surfing or dancing!

Your exercises sound interesting. I've done a few of these at different times. Just be careful that in your self-recognition of certain things, you don't tag yourself with something unfair. For instance, I'd seriously question your book's idea about dissociation being so important to this not being aware of one's body. The main connection I see would be in the original trauma situation - but the "habit" of ignoring our bodies is a general human habit. Which is why stress (and all the secondary issues brought on by it) is affecting so many different kinds of people in all walks of life. People who've not experienced a traumatic personal crisis, you know?

[Meh]

Yup. I sure do know what you mean.

It might be common for a lot of people to be "in their heads" in our society. The trendy term for the busy mind is "the monkey mind" because it's allover the place and hard to control .

I've often thought though that when a person has emotional or physical trauma the connection to the body is more weak or there is more disassociation.

You might want to take it slow, easy and gentle so you don't get more rashes. The thing about the process of reconnecting with the body is that it's possible to trigger flashback type events.

Something else that I wonder about this is if a person's memory is lessened by this Monkey Mind activity, the constant think, the disconnect from the body. Maybe it's just me but my memory sucks sometimes.

I also wonder if the "Monkey Mind" isn't part of a psychological barrier that happens. It almost seems as if the mental white noise might occur for a reason. I think the disconnect from the physical body is to get away from emotions feelings etc.

[gratitude28]

As I am moving away from the fear/control of the relationship (I am largely distanced now) I get to know myself more and more. I don't feel like white noise anymore. I don't avert my eyes from people I dislike. I don't shrink. I do feel and I do like myself much more.
Sending warmth to you
xxoo Beth

[Twoapenny]

Hi, Phoenix,

Yes, I know what you mean!  I suppose it's about balancing all those different elements.  I think the thing that's suprised me most is that my head seems to be more in charge - I'm finding it very difficult to be aware of my body for very long.  I think the disassociation thing is more to do with certain feelings in the body triggering past trauma (that was me not explaining it very well!).  This book is particularly focusing on having a sex life after sexual abuse.  I am finding it interesting/thought provoking/helpful but it is also triggering a lot so I am leaving it alone for a while.  Too much to take in!

Mild Salsa, I like the name change!  I think the 'monkey mind' is very much what I experience, and I'm sure a lot of others do too.  There is that constant chatter and distraction from things we find difficult.  I find my attention span is so short at the moment, there are lots of things being triggered so I am slowing down with it all.  I saw the acupuncturist yesterday and she said I am completely worn out and running on empty.  What's odd is that I find feeling relaxed just makes me feel so sad - it's like rushing around and keeping busy keeps the emotion out of the way.  But she thinks I'm creating serious health problems for myself if I don't slow down and fix things now, so I am going to have to take it bit by bit and do the work.

Beth, I know what you mean.  I am finding myself as I move along.  I have been out of my original family situation for five years now.  I have been putting the pieces back together - dealing with the past - and now I'm trying to live in the present and deal with the future!  It's a seesaw process, some bits good, some bits bad.  Thank you for the warmth xx

[Meh]

What's odd is that I find feeling relaxed just makes me feel so sad - it's like rushing around and keeping busy keeps the emotion out of the way.

Feelings are sort of subtle sometimes they do get tuned out.

It's probably really healthy though that you recognize you have sadness underneath it all

[sKePTiKal]

The busy-busy keep doing strategy, so that I don't have any extra brain space to feel, is something I do too. I was taught by my mom, that feelings were "dangerous"... and not worth paying attention to and not important. I was intentionally pushed into being "head-centered". Later on, with Ex#2 I finally hit the crisis-point about that and felt that I was slowly suffocating to death... experiencing almost complete sensory deprivation... and of course, his guru-self encouraged me over & over to not have any ego, not pay attention to emotions, not value them. This was my "comfort zone" - my normal - my safe place, after a while. I wouldn't get in trouble with mom or the Ex if I didn't have any feelings.

I was not able to explain to why, in meditation, the tears would always come - and then not stop - once I was able to still my mind.

It was only later, in therapy, that I was finally able to relax into that space and use it to finally feel all that grief, shame, anger/rage, and yes... later on, peace, serenity, and even joy. I sorta had to emotionally process - feel all of those emotions in depth - to finally be able to move on to feeling other things. That's when I slowly began to let all those ancient burdens, restrictions, self-limitations, etc just fall off of me. I'll be working on that awhile, I think! 

Well, Penny, I would be interested in discussing sex life after sexual abuse with you. That's one area that I keep postponing dealing with and still have a lot fear-based, self-limiting reactions to. It's one thread in that complex brocade of "recovery blanket". Your book sounds interesting - what was the title again?

It's a real pain in the arse to be conditioned (via parents, etc) to fear all the forms intimacy. Because deep, deep down unconsciously, subconsciously and some rare times even consciously & egotistically -- that kind of deep connection is our most secret desire.

[Meh]

I would say that it's not just a FOO condition that teaches us to mask emotions but I think the FOO maybe compounds it.

There is an overall social behavior that causes this IMO. It's pandemic.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Salsa,

Yes, I do think our society in general has been very head/science/logic focused for a long time, rather than focusing on the feelings and emotions and so on.  I suppose feelings are much more fluid and differ for each of us in different ways on different days.  I guess dealing with feelings means dealing with individuals, giving them time and space to feel, understand and express - and our world moves to quickly for that most of the time.  I'd just like to get a balance where I can access my heart, my head or my body easily, when I need to and move from one to another (or use all at the same time) rather than having to focus very intensely on one area.  I guess it's time and practice, a new skill to learn and make mistakes with along the way.

Phoenix, a discussion about a sex life after sexual abuse would be very brief because I don't have one, lol   I am finding the book very useful and thought provoking, and it's making me see how the earlier abuse led to a lot of the things I did in my early adult life and how I think/feel/respond to things now.  The book is by a woman called Staci Haines and it's called The Survivor's Guide to Sex.  I read some really good reviews about it; she was abused and has worked with people who've been abused as well as managing a sex shop!  I actually think it's probably a really good guide even if you haven't been abused; she's very open, very candid and very honest.  I'm not able to really think about sex yet, I just find it too scary.  But I'm working on affection and that's feeling okay, so baby steps and all that.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks! I can appreciate not being ready to even think about this! Thankfully, I've had a lot of other things to preoccupy me for the last 4-5 years and it was easy to avoid the topic altogether. But I do think it's something I'm still denying myself -- that's as normal as proper nutrition and finding that new comfort zone, that allows me to perform self-care and make those decisions to self-care. But I know, it's a really uncomfortable subject.

I was gonna write -- touchy subject. And that's what I wanted to suggest to you, from an idea that was generated by an earlier post. Touch therapy. I think there really is "such a thing"... but, I also think there are a lot of ways we can do this formally & informally... just throughout present moments in our life. Massage, is obviously one way. Reiki is another.

One thing I've noticed, is that sometimes when hubs touches my arm or my back - it hurts there and I didn't realize that before. Another thing that's REALLY weird, is that he can touch my shoulder and it makes the foot on the other side of my body hurt or feel like the nerves are jangly and irritated. So, I'll ask him to touch me somewhere while I'm consciously relaxing... and that's a good practice exercise.

The other thing I just started doing... it's going to evolve, I can see that... is sign language. I get non-verbal sometimes - something beyond just getting stuck for a word - so to express myself I'm using hand signals. Kinda interesting that the one for snack-food - "nibblies" - looks a lot like the one for "snugglies". [giggle] And it's a private, just between the two of us, language... so I can use this out in public with him and we can take our special "space"... right along with us. It's been a good idea and helped smooth out some of the rough places in our communication. Like, he's always telling me: I love you.... it can be as many times as 20 times a day... and hey, we've been married 12 years! One day after I started with the hand signals, I realized it was another type of symbol -- his way of saying, hey -- connect with me a minute or I need to connect with you. It used to really irritate me because I didn't understand what he was really trying to say, with that phrase... over & over.... no context, no reference... and it seemed like it was really, sadly, needy.

I'm the one who didn't have a context for casual, momentary, re-connect to "us" built into my experiential vocabulary.

[Meh]

I often wonder what is going to haunt me in the future what subterranean emotions will surprise.

You know the saying "just when you thought you had everything figured out, it all changed again"....I don't know it seems appropriate somehow.

[Twoapenny]

Phoenix, it sounds like you and your hub have a really good connection going there

I often wonder what is going to haunt me in the future what subterranean emotions will surprise.

You know the saying "just when you thought you had everything figured out, it all changed again"....I don't know it seems appropriate somehow.

Salsa, I find it is very much like that.  You work through something, figure it out, make some changes, something shifts - and then something else pops up again.  I think what I am grateful for at this stage is what I have learnt along the way about how to deal with it, who to go to, who to avoid!  Even when it's bad it's never as bad as when it first started to really cause problems.  I was so scared - scared I was going crazy, scared I'd never be normal, scared they'd take my son away from me, that I'd never work again and so on.  It never feels like that now - now I see it as a normal part of healing from an injury which, although difficult, tiring, hard to get through, is doable and can be worked out in some way.  I am very grateful for that knowledge.