Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
update - NC broken but will be maintained
Ales2:
Hi everyone,
I had to share - I have been NC with my NMom since April 2010 when she showed up at my doorstep accusing me of stealing my Dad's paperwork. She claims I stole his death certificate. I never did, never even saw the document she refers to. I told her to "get out" and she left. I was furious. A couple of weeks later, saturday before Mothers Day 2010, I went to her home to clean out a closet I had there. We exchanged a few words, but I was there with a purpose, clean my closet, dont argue with her and return the keys I've had since 1986 (the year I left for college) as I want no further contact with the old house. Since then, I have kept to my word, with two exceptions - December 2011, she called me after she heard I had a car accident to see if I was OK. It was three sentences. "I'm fine. I hope the guy doesn't sue me ( I rear-ended him) and thanks for your call."
Keep in mind, I have a financial agreement with her where I am getting a monthly deposit since I am out of work. Not a great arrangement, but when my Dad passed away, I was told there was no will, no inheritance. So years later when I needed help, I asked (which I regret), a temporary agreement was made (which I thought would be 2-3 months) but has gone much past that. During that time, I discovered that she is far better off than she's admitted to, in fact, I discovered a web of lies and deceit on her end. I've come to believe that her selfishness, lies and deceit is all about control, manipulation and distrust of us kids as a result of her Nism, not really a reflection on us adult (41 and 43) "kids". If anything, I regret not having made a more autonomous agreement with her, but I did not have full knowledge (her Nism, her resources, my autonomy) at the time and of course, didn't really want the money anyway, just wanting to move on with my life.
So this past weekend, I had to call her to ask two medical questions and we spoke briefly. She asked about my cats and and I kept it cordial. I just wanted information and wanted to reveal as little as possible about my life. She never asked about how long I would need help or anything, which surprised me, but I was also relieved because I want to avoid that topic completely. She then asked when she could come visit me and I said (without much thought) "what would be the point of that?". She was speechless. The call ended right after that.
As I was reflecting on it today, I did well. I was not prepared for the question, but have thought over the last couple of weeks, that I have outgrown her nonsense, and my response certainly showed me that it feels real. I wasn't drawn in at all. I don't even try to consider her feelings, I'm just focused on protecting myself, because I know any other response has the potential to draw me in and that wont happen ever again.
Also, leately, I've had arecurring dream where I am sitting with my fiance (who seems to take the form of business partner I had a crush on last year), my Mother and my Brother and when she asks about our wedding, I rather palinly respond - "Why would you want to come, you've never been supportive of my love life, cared who I'm with or even wished me a happy family of my own." And, sadly, its the truth, I can imagine myself saying this and it feels appropriate, totally true, although a little cruel. I guess this conversation and the dreams I have had are reflecting a change in who I am, how I feel and how I will deal with her in the future.
Anyway, the best part of NC has taught me how little I ever needed her in the first place and how much I have grown without her involvement. I'll never go back to the way things were and thats mostly sad for her, great for me. I've moved on. The other day I was asking myself why things in my life have not changed as much as I need them to and the answer came back to me that I have not changed enough yet. So, more work to do to find a new job, a relationship ( a REAL one, with a marriage commitment) and a new place to live...
I'm hoping 2012 will be a great year! All the best to everyone!
Ales2:
Okay here is what I wrote in my journal today about why any kind of reconciliation with her would be impossible:
She can't be trusted ever again (this after indirectly and directly lying about her financial situation in regards to my Dad's estate for 20 plus years). I wouldn't have learned anything about Nism if I let her back into my life. The problem is insidious, begins innocently becomes serious slowly. Hard to see the slippery slope with her. There is no way to keep the positive and deal with or eliminate the negative. Avoidance or NC is really the only way.
What she does is not outright abuse, she is an underminer, which robs my self esteem, autonomy and discourages my assertiveness. (this follows me into other aspects of my life). She also lies, manipulates and misleads - a very slippery slope. The slope is invisible until you've taken the fall and are badly hurt.
The problem is also invisible to bystanders and others, which leaves the problem entirely in my lap without any kind of validation, support or much needed guidance. Hence the need to be totally NC and self responsible.
:(
Ales2:
Thanks tt - this is excellent thank you. Could you explain what you mean by people who need to be autonomous can fall prey to manipulators? It sounds kind of obvious - manipulators know we are weak so they find us or we choose them because we choose subservience. Is this what you were saying or is there another point I am missing?
Hopalong:
Ales, I'm truly sorry.
It takes such courage to face the feeling of motherlessness when the mother is still alive.
TT, there you are again.
You could have been bitter for how long it took to understand, instead you decided to be grateful you now understand.
(Please come coach my life.)
:)
Hops
Ales2:
Oh tt - you misunderstood what I was asking! I'm sorry - no hurt was intended towards you!
--- Quote ---You are right. It is obvious. I smack my forehead and say, How could I not get it? Why did it take so long?
--- End quote ---
No, no, no, its not obvious to those of us who are victims of Ns! It takes learning, just as you said, the unlearning of bad habits and hangups. My T once put it this way, its like having a bald spot on the back of your head, you know its there, but you can't see it, you can only view it in the mirror and even then the image is backwards. We KNOW its there and we have to be told to look to understand its shape and all its quirks. There is no reason to "smack your forehead"! I just thought that maybe there was more to your explanation than I was seeing.
I agree with everything you said!
And, Hops, yes thank you for your kind words. I so often read what is going on with your D and want to offer support but often dont know what I can say that would be helpful, except to say, I'm sorry... you sound so caring, thoughtful and helpful and I'm sorry your relationship is painful.
Thanks to you both...
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