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update - NC broken but will be maintained

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sKePTiKal:
Well, the way I saw it as a kid - and before I ever learned about all this - is that I was brainwashed.

From my mom's side of things, this was perfectly acceptable, normal, and she truly NEEDED* to brainwash me, keep me on that short dependent leash. From my side of things - I fought this like a cat being held over a bathtub... and ran & hid every single chance I got. And of course, I think we all desire that deep, deep connection with at least one person... a mom is the natural candidate... at exactly the same time we desire, need, and are addicted to autonomy, self-efficacy and competence.

When mom is a threat to autonomy and plain old dangerous, there exists a classic inner "conflict". There are probably as many ways of "living with" that conflict as there people... and each of us does try many different things, until we find the combination that's just right for us.... at least, I certainly hope that a right combination exists!    ;)

*I'm tired of trying to decide whether this is objectively "good" or "bad". It was bad for me, it happened. It was what it was.

Ales2:
Phoenix - Brainwashed is an excellent word to describe what I went through as well. I look at it as more like I was lied to, controlled, manipulated and misled (i.e brainwashed) and when I questioned things or tried to assert myself, I was gaslit.  It took more than a while to figure things out (almost 40 years) and undo alot of things. I also notice something strange that I might have to deal with - is that on PMS days, the emotions can actually be triggered by reading or seeing something that brings up the emotion. So either I am clearing the emotion from the all the painful stuff I went through or I have another problem I am not yet aware of (besides pms and depressive mood swings).
 

sKePTiKal:
I think I know what you mean, Ales... it's like a reflex emotional detox'ing. Almost more bio-based...

and one always "feels better" or at least cleaner, clearer, lighter... afterwards. This is a bizarre idea that just popped into my head: but maybe we do actually hold all that toxic crap in various of the millions or billions of cells in our body... and that keeps the thoughts/emotions associated with it running along in a vicious cycle... until we finally purge it all out.

Ales2:
An update - Last week (friday),  I had to call my NMom regarding a tax issue. She has been helping me since I lost my job (I partly felt entitled to ask her because I did not inherit anything when my dad passed away 12 years ago) and I had to ask about some details about all of that. Turns out it is just what I expected, including more lies and bad financial planning on her part.

Anyway. my concern was just that now the NC has been broken, again, for a series of discussions on how to deal with the money issue. I told her trivial details about my cats and gossiped about friends, but also saw an old pattern emerge that I am very aware of (i.e me marginalizing myself to get her support or encouragement. Its very weird. She marginalizes me a little by suggesting I take a lesser position and salary, but weirdly, I then marginalize myself.) I know that this financial issue needs to be resolved and then I have to get back to being NC.  If I sense she attempts to delay the decisions to spend more time talking to me, I will quickly tell her call me when you decide.   Simple as that.

Not sure any of this makes sense.

Ales2:
The issue is mostly resolved now, just a matter of filing some paperwork. 

What lingers is that I can see now that NC has been broken, she is attempting to make nice with me and is actually making offers "in my best interest".
She truly has no clue as to what that it is.  She also attempts to make delusional offers (such as selling her home to buy me a home free and clear - yeah right!) to get back into my good graces. This only leaves me four alternatives when she goes back to the non-sense. One is reconcile, now that I know the game and can't be taken advantage of, stay in limited contact; Two - call her on it - it won't happen and I would not want it if it did  (does anyone want to accept a gift from an N that they can take back or use that to stay in one's life - NOOOOO!), go back to NC and Three - tell her I am aware of her undermining tricks, dont like it, want my autonomy and won't go back to the relationship -telling her its best we not speak, go back to NC..  Fourth option - just go back to NC without any explanation.

Whats "in my best interest" is me developing my autonomy and requires no involvement on her part!

Oh, option One is not an option and wont really ever be considered, four is probably most likely. Two and Three are potentially hazardous and would escalate problems, not solve anything. 

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