Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
update - NC broken but will be maintained
Twoapenny:
Ales, sometimes you have to just sit with the crap. Feel it, own it, see it, hear it. Recognise it. Try not to fight it, try to let it be there and look it right in the eye. I feel hurt because my mum did this. I feel angry because my best friend did that. I'm jealous because my neighbour got something I didn't. As much as none of us likes feeling bad, some things in life are bad and do make us feel that way. It feels huge because there's usually a backlog - we spend years putting on a brave face, avoiding things, telling ourselves things didn't hurt or didn't matter. Eventually it backs up and we have to let it through. My T once described it as one of those cupboards that everyone has, where you shove things that don't really have a place, where you put all the stuff that you aren't sure about but might need one day. Eventually the cupboard is so full you can't shut the door anymore, or find anything you do need. Then you have to take it all out and sort through it. One day, it just gets easier. It's tough not knowing when that day will come, though.
It's okay to stop being brave and allow yourself to crumple. Eventually, all the old stuff is out and dealt with. I find long walks help, journalling, heavy duty clear outs, the attic, the shed, that sort of thing. Everyone has their own thing that helps. You will get there xx
sKePTiKal:
Just one thing to add to Tupps' advice:
You'll be OK through the sorting, sitting, feeling process Ales. Nothing at all to be afraid of - like "going crazy" or completely losing control - it's all just those old fears clinging to all the stuff in the cupboard. Those fears rightfully belong to the person you USED to BE; not to you NOW. And the "sorting" process is kinda like a ritual, where you "honor" all those different moments - give them their due - and then when you've gotten to the very end of the process... well... I think you'll like the way THAT feels.
Ales2:
Wow Two and Phoenix - thank you so much for your advice. You are both right - Two the advice on cleaning out, clearing out is true and I'm doing that now - including changing banks, got a new phone, sorted through old journals and files etc. And, oh yes, I am jealous of how easy some things have been for others... my cousins kid for example. Out of school 2 years, married, with a house and a baby on the way. Why? Her parents are wonderful, encouraging people and dont undermine her. Me, I'm 44, single and still renting, while she is miss-little-happy family. Yeech...
Phoenix - you are right on about feeling like losing control, I am losing control, in the sense that I'm growing into the more evolved me and that feels awkward. You are very right...thanks for that.
Had a little dream where my relatives staged an Intervention with my NMom, because she refuses to speak to anyone, yet wont say why. In it, I come thinking that we are shipping her off to a treatment center of some sort for her depression and Nism. When I get there, they tell me they want to "reconcile" with her - they dont seem to think she needs MAJOR help. So, I get up and say, thanks, but I can't help with this. I'm done with her non-sense and have no interest in reconciling. I walk out, leave and their faces are like WTH? !!!!!!!!
sKePTiKal:
That's a great dream, Ales! Sounds like you're no longer "of two minds" about the situation -- even your unconscious agrees! Less self-doubt, self-criticism, and lots of self-trust must feel pretty different... it's sorta like new-found "wholeness", I think.
There's a lot of interesting stuff that happens in "awkwardness". New situations, experiences, people, responses to people... I think I'm finally getting a little more comfortable with those moments... and then WHAM - here's a new one again - and it's like I've never learned a thing from all the other awkward moments. Zen mind, Beginner's Mind does have it drawbacks!!
Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,
I'm glad you're having a good clear out and moving onwards. Completely understand what you say about the jealousy - I spent entire sessions with my T talking about how much I envied girls I was at school with who left school, got jobs, got married, had kids and lived happily ever after. I'm at a stage now where I can be happy for someone being happy and not compare myself to them. I think it's part of the healing thing - I'm alright about what happened now, I've worked through it and can be happy for other people. It's taken a really long time and I still have spells if things are difficult for me where I don't want to be around happy people! But it happens less often and doesn't last as long, or feel as intense - it's progress. You'll get there, too. I've also learnt that most people have some problems, it's just not always obvious to those around them, so even people who seem to have perfect lives often don't! Hope things are getting better for you xx
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