Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on October 07, 2013, 11:54:03 AM
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Hi all,
Healthwise, I have been feeling very good lately. My energy levels are up, I'm sleeping better, I feel calmer and more content, I just generally feel good. But I find that every time I sit down to deal with false accusation related paperwork within half an hour I've got a headache, I feel sick, my neck and shoulders hurt and I get that odd shaky feeling, you know how you sometimes feel if you haven't eaten for ages?
I'm just trying to work in fairly short bursts and do the usual fresh air, good food, plenty of water stuff. I'm pretty certain it's a reaction to what's happened rather than it being some bizarre coincidence. Has anyone else got any other ideas?
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hi twoapenny,
Maybe I am different, maybe not, but I learned more about me throughout this stressful adventure called Life.
After the accident, 4½ years ago, when the end of the month would come, my mood would change, and I gathered after a while that it was because the Insurance Co. was coming to cut more of my funding. Whatever happened, I went back to being the abnormal me.
When a Dr. said I ought to do pool therapy, I said I couldn't. It took 3 months to prove it on land. Until they dropped that idea, I was as tense as could be, as though I were lying, and my therapist noticed these changes,
Tense as the court date drew closer: thought I was calm but developed aches and pains: blamed it on accident.
I tell myself that I am a stressed, anxiety-ridden person and don't even know it, as the results are usually physical.
When I need my arms massaged, She will say relax and I think I have relaxed and she works them over, but then drops my arm. it stays in the air. \it should fall to the bed! That is like my trying to control and not follow orders????? or just always tense.
When I lost the use of my arms, I thought my shoulder rotator cuffs were shot and it was an old folks home for me. but nope a separate condition (PMR) from the accident.
I'm learning to relax about having a "helper" who does most of my work, while I sit at the computer, or lying down reading. I have my therapist, too, and so am well cared for.
I am annoyed that the steroids put weight on my face, waist and feet, but today I finished 5 weeks of treatment but am less annoyed to know that it will drop off soon. anyway, I am old(er) and if I look like Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine) then so be it! (Nevertheless I bought a small package of Ferraro Rocher to celebrate---then will lose it all at once!
I doubt anyone could come to just visit and find me as interesting as I used to be, but in the long run, I think it will return if I don't stress out over every little thing. My life is as it is, 2 'employees', my Will in place and, as I have been doing for a few years, downsizing odds and ends that I no longer use---to the laundry room for another, if useful, or straight to the garbage. I cut my File Folders by half realizing not all paper, documents require saving, and what good are my report card now?
Check (keep an eye on, an open mind re) your stress levels, as stress is very often the cause of physical pain and discomfort!
False accusation would be a stressful thing to deal with----like doctors and lawyers implying I was lying.
Onward Ho!
XX
Izzy
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Hi all,
Healthwise, I have been feeling very good lately. My energy levels are up, I'm sleeping better, I feel calmer and more content, I just generally feel good. But I find that every time I sit down to deal with false accusation related paperwork within half an hour I've got a headache, I feel sick, my neck and shoulders hurt and I get that odd shaky feeling, you know how you sometimes feel if you haven't eaten for ages?
I'm just trying to work in fairly short bursts and do the usual fresh air, good food, plenty of water stuff. I'm pretty certain it's a reaction to what's happened rather than it being some bizarre coincidence. Has anyone else got any other ideas?
Sigh, well yeah, it is probably psychological stress/anxiety. I think psychological stress is powerful --yet because we don't SEE it sometimes we dismiss it and swear I think all of society is dismissive of emotional health in adults. Dogs shake too, when they are cold but also I guess it's nerves. Yeah, personally I have had physical symptoms of anxiety and stress that include: constant tooth grinding at night, tight jaw muscles as a form of stress and tension, headaches, waking up with stomach pain even rashes on my face probably from stress hormones cortisol or whatever it is. I have had a few panic attacks but none recently thank goodness. I think I notice myself being "messier" in times of stress and strain. I am more orderly when things are flowing well.
It's not a coincidence it is stress. Sigh, I've been stressed out my whole life!!!!
How long does this false accusation stuff go on for? Hopefully there will be an END to it at some point.
Good that you are feeling healthier though that is a good sign!!!!
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Hi Tupp,
I'm nearly phobic about paperwork in two areas:
--family related (still have boxes of family residue stuffed under a bed that I should long have sorted/purged)
--financial (ADD + anxiety over never ever ever quite grasping all the numbers/concepts)
One day recently I dragged out a box (family) and went through it. Got a lot done. AND, was flat out weary, achy, dragged out, and physically low...for nearly a month!
I can really really relate.
One blessing for me is one friend, a MSW, who is unshockable and utterly accepting about every weird variant of emotional stuff. (She's been through her share.) She and I for a while worked out a "trade" of simply being with the other, even just reading at the other's home, while each tackled those scary scary scary piles of paper.
If I could do it through cyberspace, I'd offer that cozy support to you. It was an amazing help...and I'm hoping to talk her into it again.
love and understanding (but in the meantime, we need to, I think, approach these things when alone with a LOAD of nurturing compassionate comforts for ourselves, and punctuate the time with a lot of pre-planned, sweet rewarding moments. I read/think/hear that really helps, to deal with the most triggering chores.)
love
Hops
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Oh...I think I have a somewhat similar example: for a while a collection agency was calling me about an unpaid emergency room visit bill....LOL...they didn't do much except for charge me to breathe in there. And I didn't have insurance..
But now I do not want to answer the phone, it is bad...but every time I hear my phone ring I just kind of dread it.
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I don't blame you, Boat.
Do you have Caller ID or a voicemail?
Hops
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Oh it was a long time ago, I only picked up my phone once or twice to the collection agencies and then I "GOT IT"....that they were just going to harass me for as long as they could. The good thing about the phone is I don't have to talk.
It went on my credit report twice- so the damage is done to my credit but at the time I was so depressed and wasn't making any money that I didn't give a rat's arse.
It's just an example of how one can grow to dread something.
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http://www.experian.com/credit-education/improving-credit-scores.html (http://www.experian.com/credit-education/improving-credit-scores.html)
If it has been more than 7 years and you haven't paid late since, your credit score is self-repairing. But there are a lot of ways to make it improve while you wait for time to work, too. Like inserting explanations (I was ill, out of work--those can go on the record of your report), etc.
When I did the Dave Ramsey FPU course, I wound up cutting up my credit cards. I have the shards of colorful plastic in a little crystal vase that my mother cherished. I like the irony.
xo
Hops
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http://www.experian.com/credit-education/improving-credit-scores.html (http://www.experian.com/credit-education/improving-credit-scores.html)
If it has been more than 7 years and you haven't paid late since, your credit score is self-repairing. But there are a lot of ways to make it improve while you wait for time to work, too. Like inserting explanations (I was ill, out of work--those can go on the record of your report), etc.
When I did the Dave Ramsey FPU course, I wound up cutting up my credit cards. I have the shards of colorful plastic in a little crystal vase that my mother cherished. I like the irony.
xo
Hops
Shards of plastics in a crystal vase, this does sound poetic. So the comment can be added by the reporting agency to the report?
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That's right, as I understand it.
Google "repairing your credit report" and you'll find info.
I believe you can write an explanatory letter and send it to all three major credit bureaus, and they have to add your explanation.
hugs
Hops
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Hi Penny...
I got an idea reading some of the replies. I don't know if would work, but it can't hurt to try it. How about labeling those boxes of paper "the past"? And when you sit down to work through them, take a couple minutes to talk to yourself...
say: now I'm going to look at the evidence of the past - like an archeologist - and at precisely _________ (time) I will get up and take a 10 minute break, before working on it again for another hour, or until it's done.
Maybe that will help you get through it. I'm still working with hubs - and purging so many of his "collectibles" which are just emotional "stuff" linking him to his past "lives"... sigh... I really think there is this sense about papers, things, that some people invest so much of their identity in - that to give it up or let it go... actually, physically, hurts. It's some variation on "magical thinking". He can - really - only work an hour or two a day at this before he exhausts his capacity to emotionally handle it. (No, he's not overly verbal about the process... I have to watch his eyes and body language; sometimes his attention span.)
BTW: just to update my situation... my mom is ill again; repeated bouts of kidney stones and now she may be facing dialysis too. She has repeatedly said "it would be really nice if you could come up and help me go through my stuff". (note: she doesn't say - get rid of any of it; unless of course I take it with me... there's no, I'd really like you to come and spend some time with me...). Bro has had another round of dealing with clogged arteries and is comtemplating surgery this time... with no alteration of lifestyle. I am not going anywhere near that snakepit of a loony-bin. My D (A) is so far, not causing any real problems, is finishing her current round of education -- and spending time with the boys, as it's available. Boys seem to be doing well - but there's still the issue of tutoring that is contentious, because it would require effort on A's part... sigh. H & fiance M, and another couple will be here next weekend for some deserved and needed fishing & r/r...
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hi twoapenny,
Maybe I am different, maybe not, but I learned more about me throughout this stressful adventure called Life.
After the accident, 4½ years ago, when the end of the month would come, my mood would change, and I gathered after a while that it was because the Insurance Co. was coming to cut more of my funding. Whatever happened, I went back to being the abnormal me.
When a Dr. said I ought to do pool therapy, I said I couldn't. It took 3 months to prove it on land. Until they dropped that idea, I was as tense as could be, as though I were lying, and my therapist noticed these changes,
Tense as the court date drew closer: thought I was calm but developed aches and pains: blamed it on accident.
I tell myself that I am a stressed, anxiety-ridden person and don't even know it, as the results are usually physical.
When I need my arms massaged, She will say relax and I think I have relaxed and she works them over, but then drops my arm. it stays in the air. \it should fall to the bed! That is like my trying to control and not follow orders????? or just always tense.
When I lost the use of my arms, I thought my shoulder rotator cuffs were shot and it was an old folks home for me. but nope a separate condition (PMR) from the accident.
I'm learning to relax about having a "helper" who does most of my work, while I sit at the computer, or lying down reading. I have my therapist, too, and so am well cared for.
I am annoyed that the steroids put weight on my face, waist and feet, but today I finished 5 weeks of treatment but am less annoyed to know that it will drop off soon. anyway, I am old(er) and if I look like Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine) then so be it! (Nevertheless I bought a small package of Ferraro Rocher to celebrate---then will lose it all at once!
I doubt anyone could come to just visit and find me as interesting as I used to be, but in the long run, I think it will return if I don't stress out over every little thing. My life is as it is, 2 'employees', my Will in place and, as I have been doing for a few years, downsizing odds and ends that I no longer use---to the laundry room for another, if useful, or straight to the garbage. I cut my File Folders by half realizing not all paper, documents require saving, and what good are my report card now?
Check (keep an eye on, an open mind re) your stress levels, as stress is very often the cause of physical pain and discomfort!
False accusation would be a stressful thing to deal with----like doctors and lawyers implying I was lying.
Onward Ho!
XX
Izzy
Hey Izzie,
I am sorry that you've had similar to deal with. There's enough going on without having these sorts of reactions to cope with as well. I think it is stress related. I think I got very angry that my mum can still disrupt my life so much, even after seven years of no contact, all the counselling, the really hard work of letting go, moving on, etc etc - there's still stuff in there that I'm not consciously aware of and it can still pop up when I have contact with something she has been involved in. It was a hard couple of days but I'm looking after myself well and what needs to be done can be done in small chunks as and when it suits me so I will just keep plodding through (might have to change my username to PlodderPenny or something).
I hope you are doing okay at the minute xx
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Hi all,
Healthwise, I have been feeling very good lately. My energy levels are up, I'm sleeping better, I feel calmer and more content, I just generally feel good. But I find that every time I sit down to deal with false accusation related paperwork within half an hour I've got a headache, I feel sick, my neck and shoulders hurt and I get that odd shaky feeling, you know how you sometimes feel if you haven't eaten for ages?
I'm just trying to work in fairly short bursts and do the usual fresh air, good food, plenty of water stuff. I'm pretty certain it's a reaction to what's happened rather than it being some bizarre coincidence. Has anyone else got any other ideas?
Sigh, well yeah, it is probably psychological stress/anxiety. I think psychological stress is powerful --yet because we don't SEE it sometimes we dismiss it and swear I think all of society is dismissive of emotional health in adults. Dogs shake too, when they are cold but also I guess it's nerves. Yeah, personally I have had physical symptoms of anxiety and stress that include: constant tooth grinding at night, tight jaw muscles as a form of stress and tension, headaches, waking up with stomach pain even rashes on my face probably from stress hormones cortisol or whatever it is. I have had a few panic attacks but none recently thank goodness. I think I notice myself being "messier" in times of stress and strain. I am more orderly when things are flowing well.
It's not a coincidence it is stress. Sigh, I've been stressed out my whole life!!!!
How long does this false accusation stuff go on for? Hopefully there will be an END to it at some point.
Good that you are feeling healthier though that is a good sign!!!!
Oh Green, the thing about being messy when stressed is so true for me, too, my brain just can't work in an orderly way when things are difficult and the rest of my life reflects that! I also find I can't settle to mundane stuff when I'm feeling stressed, so tend to abandon laundry and dishes and then of course it adds to the stress because it all starts to pile up.
The false accusations ended a long time ago (at least as far as I'm aware) but it's left a very messy paper trail that's almost finished now. If I could get my head down and get on with it (as if it were a full time job) I could probably clear it in a month, but of course life isn't like that. It isn't critical, it's just something I feel I need to do now, she took control of my son's life for a long time by making all these claims against me and it's kind of like me asserting that I am his mum, not her, and I want his records to be accurate. It's not essential but it's important for me to finish it so that I can close the box, if that makes sense? I'm sorry to hear that you get similar too, I'll keep my fingers crossed for stress free living for you :)
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Hi Tupp,
I'm nearly phobic about paperwork in two areas:
--family related (still have boxes of family residue stuffed under a bed that I should long have sorted/purged)
--financial (ADD + anxiety over never ever ever quite grasping all the numbers/concepts)
One day recently I dragged out a box (family) and went through it. Got a lot done. AND, was flat out weary, achy, dragged out, and physically low...for nearly a month!
I can really really relate.
One blessing for me is one friend, a MSW, who is unshockable and utterly accepting about every weird variant of emotional stuff. (She's been through her share.) She and I for a while worked out a "trade" of simply being with the other, even just reading at the other's home, while each tackled those scary scary scary piles of paper.
If I could do it through cyberspace, I'd offer that cozy support to you. It was an amazing help...and I'm hoping to talk her into it again.
love and understanding (but in the meantime, we need to, I think, approach these things when alone with a LOAD of nurturing compassionate comforts for ourselves, and punctuate the time with a lot of pre-planned, sweet rewarding moments. I read/think/hear that really helps, to deal with the most triggering chores.)
love
Hops
Hi Hops,
Well thank you for the cyberspace offer! I have got a friend who would probably get stuck in and sort a load out for me but I don't know, something about me still feels so ashamed that I don't want anyone else to see it. It's like going public on how crazy she is. I don't mean out of a sense of loyalty to her but just because I feel so embarrassed that my own mum could behave in that way and do so much damage to a three year old boy (as he was then).
By coincidence I did happen to have an acupuncture appointment the next day and I opened up a little in the hope it might help with the treatment. I don't usually talk about it to people I don't know well because they don't usually get it but this nice lady nodded her head and said "yeah, my mum's like that too!". It's always such a relief when you speak to someone who understands without you needing to explain it all. So the acupuncture did help to relax me, I cried buckets afterwards but felt better for it. Thank you.
Thank you for all the other responses, I will reply to everyone, just still feeling a bit overwhelmed so I'm doing things in little chunks! Thank you though, everybody xx
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Hi Tupp:
I was glad to read you talked about your situation with the accupunc doc. That kind of professional is usually a very healing, caring spirit, and they can offer a good deal of empathy, and maybe some sound advice and fellowship.
It sounds like you found just that.
Good for you, and
it's
all
most
over.
I think we sometimes forget that when we're deeply mired in the discomfort of doing this kind of work.
This too shall pass (((Tupp.)))
Lighter
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Tupp, I don't think we need to worry so much, about "unloading" some of our crap on others... I got my hair cut when I got back from dealing with my D and grandsons... and just let loose in the salon. It wasn't my usual guy; instead it's a lady who's worked with him since they opened... and YUP, she said: we could write a book, couldn't we??
It's sad/and a minor relief... to realize that almost everyone knows someone like this, and is usually related to them. As for being embarrassed for people who have no shame and no boundaries whatsoever... I've made some serious progress with that (because life required it of me otherwise I'd still be dancing around the issue).
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Hi Tupp--
When my friend and I do that mutual-support paperwork thing, she doesn't actually
touch my own piles of paper or files, or read anything. What she does is bring a stack
of stuff she needs to work on herself...and just does it here.
So we're doing our individual projects, but it's like...having a sister or something.
Less lonely and fearful, so we can encourage each other just with presence.
love
Hops
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Hi everyone, thank you so much for all of your thoughts on this, I'm just all over the place at the minute and keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out the way I want it to! It's as if I've lost all the confidence I built up and everything seems to be too much to do again. I'm just gritting my teeth and getting on with it, there is an end in sight and I'm going to get to it eventually! Will write more when I can but wanted to say thank you in the meantime xx
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Oh...I think I have a somewhat similar example: for a while a collection agency was calling me about an unpaid emergency room visit bill....LOL...they didn't do much except for charge me to breathe in there. And I didn't have insurance..
But now I do not want to answer the phone, it is bad...but every time I hear my phone ring I just kind of dread it.
Ah I know that feeling, Green! I don't usually answer the phone, I wait for the person to leave a message and then call them back. Other times I pick it up but don't speak. My friends know this little tactic so they'll say hi but obviously if it's someone you don't know they'll speak and then I usually just put the phone on the side and walk off. We get loads of calls that are people selling things and doing surveys etc. It's very annoying.
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Hi Penny...
I got an idea reading some of the replies. I don't know if would work, but it can't hurt to try it. How about labeling those boxes of paper "the past"? And when you sit down to work through them, take a couple minutes to talk to yourself...
say: now I'm going to look at the evidence of the past - like an archeologist - and at precisely _________ (time) I will get up and take a 10 minute break, before working on it again for another hour, or until it's done.
Maybe that will help you get through it. I'm still working with hubs - and purging so many of his "collectibles" which are just emotional "stuff" linking him to his past "lives"... sigh... I really think there is this sense about papers, things, that some people invest so much of their identity in - that to give it up or let it go... actually, physically, hurts. It's some variation on "magical thinking". He can - really - only work an hour or two a day at this before he exhausts his capacity to emotionally handle it. (No, he's not overly verbal about the process... I have to watch his eyes and body language; sometimes his attention span.)
BTW: just to update my situation... my mom is ill again; repeated bouts of kidney stones and now she may be facing dialysis too. She has repeatedly said "it would be really nice if you could come up and help me go through my stuff". (note: she doesn't say - get rid of any of it; unless of course I take it with me... there's no, I'd really like you to come and spend some time with me...). Bro has had another round of dealing with clogged arteries and is comtemplating surgery this time... with no alteration of lifestyle. I am not going anywhere near that snakepit of a loony-bin. My D (A) is so far, not causing any real problems, is finishing her current round of education -- and spending time with the boys, as it's available. Boys seem to be doing well - but there's still the issue of tutoring that is contentious, because it would require effort on A's part... sigh. H & fiance M, and another couple will be here next weekend for some deserved and needed fishing & r/r...
Skep - I like that description of a snakepit of a loonybin - very apt and one I might nick if you don't mind ;)
I like the idea of being an archaeologist! I think there is some sort of mind/body disconnection going on. In my head this stuff doesn't bother me anymore. Sorting through it can only bring good things - our records will be corrected (thereby avoiding problems like this in the future), I'll have had some sort of opportunity to reply to the claims she's made (something that was denied me at the time), I'll be able to get rid of a lot of the boxes once it's finished (giving us more space at home) and my final reward for dealing with and finishing all of this will be MOVING 200 MILES AWAY FROM THIS SNAKEPIT OF A LOONYBIN (ta for that!) and never having to think about bumping into any of them again. A proper fresh start for me and my boy without all of that stuff hanging over me.
But my body seems to have other ideas. I feel like I've been run over at the minute. My head's fine - mentally I'm good, but I feel like a woman much older than I am and I think the two are connected. I've found a Gestalt therapist - anyone have experience with that? But as I understand it part of what they do is work on getting your body to release trauma. I think the theory is that you hold stuff physically and it can lead to all sorts of aches and pains and physical problems. So I'm going to keep chipping away at it all and I'm hoping that eventually all of it will settle and maybe just bugger off and leave me alone once and for all :)
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(((Tupp)))
I can relate to that exhausted, drained-adrenals feeling.
One can only take so much strain, of any kind, without feeling it.
I just want to encourage you that in time, it does get better,
if you continue to take care of yourself.
During those times when it's all a slog, just keep putting in
the most potent foods you can afford (think of maximizing
nutrients more than of comfort) and walking a lot to keep
your body tuned...
As your psyche heals, your body will respond to that steady
care, and be ready to rebuild itself.
I am slowly getting well after those years of torment and
I do feel better. Still not 100% but a year of regular walks
and better attention lately to eating loads of greens, fruits
and whole grains--and backing off the "white food" (carbs,
dairy) has really helped. Also, a supplement called Zyflamend
is doing good.
Your body does have massive repair and rejuvenate capacities,
just comes a point when you have to give it help and time to do it.
Mostly, it's not supplements. Just the plants you eat...
love to you
Hops
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Thanks, Hopsie.
I'm wondering if it's repressed anger. There's just nowhere for the anger to go. I don't know how to let it out safely.
I'm doing the work in little bits. I read through some old psychiatric notes to get some reference numbers and old addresses so they can attach my amendments to the right set of files. I felt angry that I was there in the first place, angry with them for not doing much to help me, angry when I read that I told someone I had a good relationship with my mum. I didn't, I had no idea what she was doing to me and hadn't placed any responsibility for anything that had happened on her shoulders. That all came later. I feel scared that they won't believe my amendments and then angry that I feel scared about asserting myself. I read a report about my son that made a big deal about my mental health when it was so irrelevant to what was wrong with him. There's just so much pointing the finger and so little was actually being done to help me, or him. Just lots of people talking about nothing and writing it all down.
And all of that flashed through my head in about ten minutes flat, I felt the anger in my belly and up through my chest - and then it just goes. And I wonder if it just finds somewhere to sit quietly (like a good girl) and if that's what causes all the other stuff. My head feels like it's stuck in a vice at the minute!
Anyhow. Have got a lot done today and made an appointment with a new therapist for two weeks time. Just an initial meeting to see if she's suitable, she seemed helpful on the phone and she's quite local to me which helps so fingers crossed.
Thank you and I'm glad to read that your health is improving - long may that continue xx
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And just a little update - I went away from that last posting to do a bit work on it. Was going through an old medical file (about ten years ago) and feeling very depressed about all the things being written about me and items being listed by my mum and sister. Until I got to the back and found a letter written by yours truly, in which I was kicking arse and putting things right and generally standing up for myself. I don't even remember writing it, but there it is, in black and white - me fighting for my boy, all those years ago, even when I didn't know what they were all doing to us. So that cheered me up :)
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Have done another hour today. Physically, I genuinely feel sick, but emotionally it's making me feel quite strong. I've a list up on the wall of what needs to be done and it's nice to see things getting crossed off. I'm getting together a pile of stuff that can be burnt, a pile that I need to keep hard copies of and another pile of stuff that I can scan so it's there if I need it and get rid of the rest. There are still some things that need dealing with so I'm doing bits and pieces as and when I feel up to it. There's lots of boring admin stuff (like putting things in date order or making lists of doctors, stuff like that) that I can do if it's getting too much, so I feel like I'm doing something. Some of the stuff I'm reading is nice, some people really had my back. Others were busy sticking knives in it. It's funny how much goes on that you're completely oblivious to and how this entire legal identity grows in your medical files that gives other people entirely the wrong impression of you. Some things I will definitely correct, others aren't a big deal and I won't bother with. I'm trying to focus on what will help in the future rather than correcting every little thing. I still find it hard not to aim for perfect. Writing a letter and sending it rather than drafting it four times and then adding loads more to it is alien to me, I'm having to really make myself do that. I'll never finish it if I go for perfect every time. But I feel like this is the final stretch. When it's over I'm buying a fire pit for the garden and I'm going to burn this lot and all my pictures of my mum. I burnt the ones of my stepdad a long time ago.
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BRAVO, Tupp.
That is just triumphant.
Bravo especially for letting perfection go.
You have accomplished a hell of a lot, and lastingly.
Hops
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Hi Twoapenny
Catching up with you and am happy to hear nothing about physical complaints, as you accomplish what you have.
I did my new file folders, but didn't cut them in half, just cut the contents by ⅔. Wow it felt good, but I lost my new Telephone folder, so I think I threw it in the wrong direction and it went out with the trash.
I was 2 weeks off the new pain meds and aches and weakness returned, so have another month's supply. It just might take that year after all---boy will I be a roly-poly then!
Hops: "letting perfection go"===ha ha! I could never do that. Now I pay for it!
Sounding good, tp. Keep it up.
xx
Izzy
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Thank you both, for your kind thoughts and words.
I have been reading files this afternoon and I am chilled to the bone.
As you know, the allegations focused on my son. I've had numerous sets of records sent through over the years. I've skimmed through them all (there are hundreds of pages in some) looking for allegations relating to my son. The ones that don't contain any I've just put to one side and these are the ones I've been going through today, really just to see if I need to keep them or not.
I have some double checking to do as I need to cross reference these with other medical records to be sure that my memory and understanding of the situation is correct. But what I've come up with so far has scared the bejesus out of me.
When my son was two I had a breakdown. I'd suffered from depression before but this was really bad. My utmost, utmost, utmost wish has always been to be a good mum to my son. He was so little. I was still in contact with my mum and sister in those days and they helped out a lot with my son when I was too ill to care for him. As much as we had problems, I was grateful for this as the alternative was foster care and I didn't want that for him. Various agencies were involved, all at my request, and I was working flat out to get well again, doing way more than just taking tablets and hoping for the best.
It's these records I've been reading through. It seems that even that long ago, when I was so very ill, my mum was lying to the people involved and creating a picture of me that just wasn't true.
Example - a call from my mum to social services claiming that I was ringing her threatening to kill myself. There were times when I was suicidal, but my usual response to that was to phone the doctor. I have no recollection of ever ringing my mum to tell her this. Over the page, the social worker has called the doctor, who had seen me that day and who told her that I was fine, happy and doing well. The explanation given by my mum is that I am telling her one thing and the doctor something else. This was accepted by all of them, and a page later they are writing up a report describing me as manipulative, dramatic and prone to untruths.
There are other examples like that, but essentially the situation escalates from there and what was fairly routine becomes far more complex with me being misrepresented like this over and over again. It ends with the social worker suggesting I sign over rights to my son to my mum. Fortunately I did not
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Sorry the screen froze and I couldn't type any more. She is so, so sick and twisted. And yet still so many people don't believe me. The thing that frightens me most is why she was so keen to get my boy living with her and get me out of the picture. She'd never tried it with any of her other grandchildren (she had five others by then). I can understand why she went for me but why him? Why so keen to get him? Knowing what I do about my step-father the scenario in my mind is just terrifying. I just thank God, the universe, the power of nature, whatever it is that I was strong enough, even then, to fight her. I feel like I've had invisible help along the way. She worked so hard at this for so many years and she never did pull it off. I've been lucky in a lot of ways, this could have ended up so, so differently.
I can't even describe how frightened I feel, like I've had a near death experience or something.
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And THAT'S what mattered here, in the end.
Fortunately I did not
Wow. You really did triumph.
And once you sort and purge these paper prisons,
you really will get back into the present, and be
able to focus on living your life...
You are putting the past to rest, one file at a time.
BRAVA!
Hops
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Thanks, Hopsie. I did two more files today. They all link to the same time period so it has helped to see the same situation from different people's perspectives. It's interesting that everything was ticking along okay until my mother got involved. My sister was a lot more involved in this than I realised previously. Devious little shit. There's a lot of good stuff in the info that helps my case. What's interesting is that the sexual abuse is noted and written about in my early psychiatric reports, as is my difficult relationship with my mother, but the info wasn't passed on to social services. I expect they'd have had a different perspective if that had been the case. But feeling good that I'm ploughing through it. I've been aiming for a file a day and I'm ahead at the moment. We've got ten days coming up now where I have very little planned and I'm going to keep it that way. I just want this done now. Time to reclaim my life, I think, and lay this to rest once and for all.
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Okay, quick quiz.
There are numerous mentions of sexual abuse throughout my records, proving, I feel, that it was something I was genuinely affected by and not something I dreamed up to break up my parents marriage because I'm crazy.
I've spoken of what he did to numerous professionals over the years who have either done nothing or called me a liar and said I was mentally ill.
I'm writing out these synopses now, my version of events, what happened, what I know of the false accusations and so on and so forth.
Do I mention the sexual abuse and the fact that I think he's dangerous and that someone should at least check on my sister's kids and the other kids he's had contact with over the years? Or do I keep that to myself?
Every time I've mentioned it before they've come after me instead - another investigation, another accusation of mental illness, another stressful bout of questions and accusations and having to prove I didn't do something (which is quite difficult, how do you prove you're not lying?). So do I leave it out, so that I don't risk that happening again?
Or do I put it in, because it's my truth, my record, my version of what happened and I can, at least, prove I've been talking about this for years, even if I can't prove it happened?
Someone might run with it this time. They might find some proof and prosecute him. They might find no proof and I'll be officially a liar then. Nothing at all might happen. They might not even read what I write, just file it and archive it. What do you all think?
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Hi Two, just wanted you to know I read. Unfortunately I don't have advice because I haven't had experience with lawsuits etc.
Sounds a bit like you have concern for other people who may have been exposed and then also your personal healing path.
Hugs. XOXO I wish I knew what to say. There probably are some others who do have some advice for you.
This is horrible to say but frequently I feel like victims have to do their best just to "cut their losses" and get on with their own personal life and let other people fend for themselves. Though I don't think that is my advice. And again it sounds horrible but I feel this is what most people do: put energy into their own future apart from the past.
Being called a liar is crazy-making.
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Hey Green, thanks, and yes, I agree with what you're saying about moving on and moving forward. I don't feel a need to report him, as such. I've already done that. If it turns out he's hurt other kids then, although that will be awful to know, I feel I've done the 'right' thing by reporting him in the past and I can't control the way others dealt with that report. If they've let kids down by their inaction then that will be on their shoulders, not mine.
I'm not going to do anything about the paperwork right now. I'll finish writing it up and just leave it to one side for a while. At the minute I feel like I should write my own truth, set it down and let go of whatever happens after that. But I know from past experience I might not feel like that in a few days or a few weeks time, so for now I will just do nothing. It's been years since all of this happened so a few more weeks won't make a lot of difference.
Thanks for your support, I appreciate it :)
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Well I've just gone through another file, also relating to the breakdown I had many moons ago. Dear Lord, they had no idea what they were doing, no wonder I struggled so long with it. I've always felt very ashamed of that period, people kept making me feel like I was a malingerer and faking it, having read through the notes it's clear that no-one was communicating with anyone else and it's a real mess. I think I did well to get out of that one unscathed. Funnily it's still not clear what they diagnosed me with, none of them seem to know yet I was berated for not dealing with my condition. How do you deal with it when you don't know what it is? How silly.
I was very glad to see that I kept writing letters and adding notes at the time, they've been very useful in providing some context and giving a different version of events at the time. No-one seems to have taken any notice, mind you, but it's helpful for me now to see that.
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Two I'm not sure if you are currently seeing a therapist right now or not. I don't find them very helpful but some people do.
What if you took the papers into a therapists office with you?
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Hi Green,
I'm starting with a new therapist next week so I will talk to her about all of this.
I wanted to say a big thank you and extend a big cyberhug to everybody on the forum. This board helps me so much and I've even found it comforting just to have it on while I read the papers. It makes me feel less alone.
I've done a lot this week, which is good. What struck me about the time I had that breakdown is that for a while my mum and sister were really nice to me and really helped out (which they hadn't done before). Then that stopped and everything went back to normal. It's been on my mind for years, really, but when I woke up this morning I realised they were being nice to me because they wanted something. Once they discovered they weren't getting custody they dropped me and my boy like a stone and I was on my own again.
I realised that's a real pattern with me and I think I mentioned it in the thread about friends, that I feel like people are all over me for a while and then I'm surplus to requirement so I'm tossed aside. I think I can see how that kept playing out over and over.
So I feel, exhausted, drained, empty and lifeless. But I also feel like I got over a huge hurdle this week and took a really big step forward.
I'm not going to send any paperwork in to anyone now until I spoken to a solicitor. There are so many occasions now where my rights and my son's rights have been violated by public sector workers. I'm going to take legal advice and then decide what to do next. But I feel like I'm on the home straight now. I can see my little house by the sea, my lovely days with my boy and my evenings spent writing and painting. That's where I want to be.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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I sure can hold that vision for you, Tupp.
I can see it now.
Meanwhile, take breaks to insert GOOD energy and feelings
into your mind. Plan something simple, unrelated, happy.
Be sure to get out into nature every day.
And nutrition nutrition nutrition (preaching to self, here...)
Go sit at a free choir concert, wander a museum, do a silly movie?
Somewhere people laugh? Quick volunteer thing?
Whatever REcharges you. This really is draining.
You're doing a fantastic job for yourself, but...remember
to REcharge yourself intentionally. Ain't nobody else will.
love
Hops
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At least you have a vision hon. 8)
In the same way that people use affirmations I have also heard of a little thing that a person writes about their vision and they post in on the fridge or the wall and read it every morning. It's like a detailed description of that vision.
it's something I've been meaning to work on myself, glad you mentioned it.
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Thank you Bones, Hops, Green :) Thank you so much.
I felt dreadful yesterday but I took my boy out to lunch and we stocked up on groceries, there's a storm forecast and they're warning of power cuts so I stocked up on candles and food we can cook on the camping stove! My head felt so cluttered, in the evening I started clearing out cupboards and drawers, it always amazes me how de-cluttering the house can calm my mind so well. I slept a bit better last night so feel better for it today, I'm just pottering around tidying my desk and doing bits and pieces. A friend has invited us to lunch later, a real luxury, so I'm looking forward to eating a nice meal that I didn't have to cook :)
Things are going well, considering. I ache all over and have the start of a cold but it's all manageable and I'm picking my way through it. Thank you all so much for being so supportive.
Tup xxx
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(((((Tupp))))))
Just checking in with your thread.
It does feel good to clear out closets and cabinets, doesn't it?
Hope you take Cold Eez or whatever brand you have there, and feel better quickly.
Lighter
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Thank you, Lighter :)
Clearing out is good, it's funny how stuff accumulates even when you try not to let it! I'm moving furniture around as well, giving things a good clean - the place always feels better afterwards! Am dosed up on cold an flu stuff, my boy is poorly as well so we're having a quiet week at home this week :) How are things going with the home schooling?
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Tupp:
Everything's fine with the home schooling. We had a lovely week traveling to our old neighborhood, and visiting our familiar little private school with all our bestest friends.
My children attended classes, while keeping up with their home school plan, and it was wonderful.
We really miss that community, and will likely go back for Halloween! Whoo hoo! Again in December. It's uplifting, and keeps us feeling connected. Honestly, I wish we'd been doing more of it.
Home school also makes it possible to stay on top of the legal matters, without creating crisis, and my mother's illness as she needs assistance. The one thing we're still working on is school work while on the road. I can't drive, and direct the children at the same time. It was a wonderful thought, but it's not really a reality. Perhaps, when the children lose an opportunity they would have otherwise enjoyed, they'll figure that piece out?
That's my school update.
I have to say I admire your perserverence with regard to doing what you can to protect vulnerable children from your sf. The rest is taking care of old business, so you can put it away for good. Hopefully very soon. At least that's my hope for us both ((((Tupp.))))
Lighter
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I'm glad it's all going well, Lighter. I think a lot of people find their kids are able to direct themselves without intervention more and more, so you might find you don't need to worry about them working on the road, they'll figure it out on their own. I think it's really important to have thinking time, and time to just be as well, and road trips are a good way to get that.
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Tupp: You know..... I think you're right about not being all "MUSH! MUSH!" about school, all the time. Truth be told, we're pretty well on schedule. I think I'm feeling OK mainly when we're working ahead, in anticipation of another crisis. That isn't working as well for the kids.
It's just not possible to control everything.......
and is likely harming our school experience so.......
::breathing deeply::
Thanks for the advice: )
Lighter
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Tupp: You know..... I think you're right about not being all "MUSH! MUSH!" about school, all the time. Truth be told, we're pretty well on schedule. I think I'm feeling OK mainly when we're working ahead, in anticipation of another crisis. That isn't working as well for the kids.
It's just not possible to control everything.......
and is likely harming our school experience so.......
::breathing deeply::
Thanks for the advice: )
Lighter
Lighter, it took me a really long time to become more relaxed about home ed. I think partly it's because we want what's best and we want to get it right, and partly because most of us are raised on timetables and nose to the grindstone. When we started out we had a timetable, I spent hours picking out activities and things to work on and looked for an educational perspective on everything. But what I really started to notice was how much better our minds were functioning without the distraction of having to do a certain thing in a certain way at a certain time, if that makes sense? It was as if a lot of what we were doing was being done to prove we were doing it, rather than really taking the time to absorb it and really understand.
He was playing this afternoon, making ramps for his cars and setting up crashes and roadblocks and so on. And on the surface it looks like play, but as I watched him I saw him checking and altering angles to change the effect the ramps had on the cars, he was altering the speeds and weights of the cars to affect the outcome, he was swapping around different materials for them to crash into in order to create certain things he wanted, and all the way through he was doing a sort of racing commentary in the background. He's learnt all of that through playing with cars, I haven't had to teach him any of that stuff, yet he knows it now through experimenting and just doing his own thing in his own time.
So yep, a more relaxed approach is often possible but I think our brains can be quite resistant to it at first! xx