Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on May 22, 2014, 10:09:04 AM
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I haven't been here in a very long time. But I have some early trauma that I need to write about and this is a safe place to do that.
I still struggle daily with severe paralysis but I am so much closer to the origins. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I have found a number of tools to use but I need to share my process. In the past week I texted two friends to tell them that I was having a difficult couple of weeks. One didn't respond and the other texted back, "OK." Fortunately I am in a place where I know this is what I have normally received. It tells me that they are not able to hear my pain. At least here I can put my pain and struggle down into words and bring it out into the consciousness rather than let it continue to fester inside.
I have so much I need to do and I am determined to get some healing.
Being voiceless is one of my biggest wounds. I had no voice in my earliest days - no one cared but worse I was the recipient for my father's animus and my mother's though they dispensed it in two very different ways.
Every minute of every day I live with a kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling associated with nothing specific. My dreams are filled with rejection, fear, hiding. Before I can get up I have to work through conversations with my inner self, reparenting with love and care. I spend long hours avoiding normal chores because they bring intense feelings of doom, failure, rejection and punishment. I know where this comes from and that is a major achievement but now I must find some healing.
I look forward to using this space to help myself heal.
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I haven't been here in a very long time. But I have some early trauma that I need to write about and this is a safe place to do that.
I still struggle daily with severe paralysis but I am so much closer to the origins. I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I have found a number of tools to use but I need to share my process. In the past week I texted two friends to tell them that I was having a difficult couple of weeks. One didn't respond and the other texted back, "OK." Fortunately I am in a place where I know this is what I have normally received. It tells me that they are not able to hear my pain. At least here I can put my pain and struggle down into words and bring it out into the consciousness rather than let it continue to fester inside.
I have so much I need to do and I am determined to get some healing.
Being voiceless is one of my biggest wounds. I had no voice in my earliest days - no one cared but worse I was the recipient for my father's animus and my mother's though they dispensed it in two very different ways.
Every minute of every day I live with a kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling associated with nothing specific. My dreams are filled with rejection, fear, hiding. Before I can get up I have to work through conversations with my inner self, reparenting with love and care. I spend long hours avoiding normal chores because they bring intense feelings of doom, failure, rejection and punishment. I know where this comes from and that is a major achievement but now I must find some healing.
I look forward to using this space to help myself heal.
GS, welcome back :) I think it's great that you're reaching out to different places for help instead of giving up when your calls go unanswered. I think that shows real strength and determination. I do know what you mean about friends; some people just aren't tuned in to helping other people out, they don't know what to say or how to act. It's hard because it feels like rejection but you know that people here 'get' what it's all about and anything/everything you write is bound to resonate with someone. I find posting about it helps because I express myself better in writing than I do verbally and it's good to be able to read things back further down the line and see that you have come through it, you have made progress and you've learnt just that little bit more aobut yourself.
So I hope you feel able to write whatever you need to and know that we're all here with you (((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))
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GS--so very good to hear from you!
I'm sorry it's because of renewed pain.
I hope it does help to spell it and spill it here...
nothing harder than feeling alone in 3D world.
And you know I can relate, intensely, to the paralysis
over routine chores of life. I've gotten better, but when
I was most on the edge economically and needed most
to focus, I remember it was harder than ever. Then add ADD...
Are you on a precipice, or just rebalancing after wobbles?
love to you,
Hops
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Hi GS ,
It is good to hear from you ....It has been a long time.
I also understand early trauma and a feeling of almost being doomed before you start.
My answers were found when I was treated for PTSD .
In EMDR, you will bring to mind emotionally traumatic images, beliefs about the self, and bodily sensations related to a traumatic event.
You will also identify alternative and more positive views or evaluations of the traumatic memories and the self.
With these thoughts and images in mind, you will be asked to also pay attention to an outside stimulus, such as eye movements guided by the therapist.
The goal of this to facilitate the processing of traumatic memories.
After years of talk therapy EMDR has brought me inner peace .
Hope you find the path that helps to heal the trauma and find the peace you so deserve.
Love and Light ,
Moonlight
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This is an important post, thanks for starting it.
Anyone have any experience with hypnotherapy? I was thinking of looking into it to relieve subconscious issues -anxiety associated with Nism, shame, and other issues that result in habits (procrastination, futility etc) that are killing my productivity and stalling my life. Here is a site that has information that I am considering.
http://andersonhypnotherapy.com/effects-trauma-abuse/
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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I have not tried hypnotherapy but did go to a craniosacral therapist for a year. I find it helpful but it didn't get me through enough.
I still go to the 4 Steps described by Jeffry Schwartz and The Tools. I've tried a couple of other therapies that might be more effective if I were working with someone, therapies like EFT and other psychosomatic therapies. For now, I am working on connecting the behaviors that are crippling to me with the early trauma. I think of this as Step 1 from Schwartz - identifying and naming what is going on.
This year has been an exceptionally difficult year filled with traumatic event after event, sabotage, betrayal, and more, all of which would have been difficult in an of themselves but even worse for me because they pile on my base experiences.
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Moonlight, I have found that recognizing that PTSD is at play is very helpful. Peter Levine's book Waking the Tiger helped me to see so clearly that my experiences were indeed traumatizing. His writings also demonstrate that having power over the perpetrator can be healing even decades later.
I don't think I'll be writing about specific events because each one sounds trivial in description but the cumulative effect was devastating. Doubling crippling was that my parents took the occasion of my request for help or my verbalizing hurt to double down their humiliation and belittlement. They trained my brothers to participate. To be an adult and find myself expecting any simple request for help usually met with closed doors is still quite frankly traumatizing. This has made it double difficult for me to deal with any type of bureaucracy - it is one other place for paralysis when ever I have to deal with governmental agencies, banks, utilities etc. Right now I am totally overwhelmed because I cannot find paperwork I need to get my expired car tag renewed. It is very crippling.
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GS:
You'll find your paperwork.
I SO understand that particular struggle....
having to lay your hands on something you know is there, and it is, but in a time cruch, and buried.....
it's an overwhelming shame spiral.
((((GS))))
Lighter
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Awe GS ....
I would not ask for details of the trauma. Maybe my experience will help.
My childhood abuse caused conflict within me.
On one hand I had a parent that loved me but could not stop the abuse ,
And a parent that inflicted (because of inner rage) physical and verbal abuse upon me and other siblings.
As a child I remember knowing I did not deserve to be wounded and yet at the very same time I asked why ...why what had I done ...am I just bad...I felt these emotions strongly at the same time.
I have spent a lifetime finding my answers .The rage was not mine , and it was just sad for all ...I have found compassion and acceptance for what has occurred......I do not feel any responsibility for this parent's rage... compassion for this parent is compassion I gifted to myself.
It took a lifetime of very hard work.. But I am free.. now finally I am free.
GS please be so gentle with yourself ...I am filled with tears of understanding .
So much love to you ... just know right now you will find your way ..
love and light and so much more .....
Moonlight
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As a child, if I had a task at hand and I performed 9 of 10 steps well and one less well, my parents would take me to task and highlight the error. If I then made an effort to fix the problem the humiliation would escalate. But it would not be contained to that incident in time, it would be brought up over and over.
It took me almost 15 years in therapy to understand that I had been abused. And even when I recognized it it took me several more before I could fully accept it. I had been so fully brainwashed into believing that I got what I deserved. That phrase was repeated to me over and over. If, as a young child, my feelings had been hurt and I sought comfort from my parents I was met with that sentiment. Only in the past couple of years have I come to see that they were both so deficient that they totally refused to offer any compassion - at any time in my life - no matter what my struggles. "I don't want to hear it." from my mother and punishment from my father. It was worse if the offenders were my brothers.
I remember clear as day when at age 4 I was told to brush my teeth. Our toothbrushes were all kept in my parents bathroom and my brothers went in before me. (In everything done my brothers were grouped together and I singled out.) They said they had put toothpaste on my brush and I knew they were up to no good and I cried and asked for protection. I asked to put my own toothpaste on. My father excoriated me, told me I was ungrateful (a constant theme) and demanded I brush my teeth. I did, in tears (crying was also a punishable offense. They had put soap on my toothbrush. I cried out and again was punished. This time my brothers were punished as well but I was sent to my room.
I was so powerless to protect myself. My father never apologized, not that night nor any other time - EVER. My mother did nothing to protect me nor to comfort me. I was 4. This memory so clearly helps me understand why that sense of powerlessness is so controlling this half-century later. I will overcome it, but I still face the paralysis, humiliation and shame echoed by this story on a daily basis. It is exhausting.
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Dear Gainiing Strength
That one memory encapulates the ignorance and sadism of your parents who were not equipped to love a little girl in a healthy way. It is just so sick and so tragic that you feel the shame instead of them. If I was there I would speak up just as you would.
The work of remembering the past to free you is so hard but it no longer needs to be an endless agonizing slog uphill. I agree that EMDR is a wonderful way of deleting these memories that bring us to our knees. I have found that even moving the eyes rapidly from left to right about 15 times will help with panic attacks. For me that has been a huge help. I know it sounds whacky but it does make sense when one realizes that the brain cannot work through extreme trauma like what you describe.
I worked as a children's therapist and came to have huge respect for children because they often were so ok and their parents were maliciously cruel and stupid. I dealt with the most severely abused children and one's who were scapegoated as the sick one in the family. What i wonder now is how did you survive it? Where does that strength come from at such an early age. God bless the child in you who somehow managed to survive that insanity. It wasn't yours it was theirs. As a child you HAD to believe they were ok or you would be swamped by fear and vulnerablilty. This is what is true........ You were completely lovable and anything else was a LIE. Those cruel caretakers in the past are dust and you are now. You know how to gain strength even from ashes.
It seems rare for someone to even embark on the kind of journey you are willing to take in order to be fully alive. I celebrate your courage and hope you feel you are heard and people here care. Even hearing that story about when you were four was hard to read and it keeps coming back to me, so living it must have been ... overwhelming. You can go back there and visit that little girl and be her ally and witness. This is the beauty of God's time, not "real time".
Lots of love,
Sea storm
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OH, the shame spiral.
I am sorry, GS...it's the core enemy.
Ales, hypnotherapy saved my life.
Literally. It was the only way to break a
two-decade smoking habit that had twined
its black roots all through me and was going
to kill me. But I had failed a hundred times.
After, I also worked with the hypnotherapist
on my fear of paperwork and my procrastination.
This was pre- ADD diagnosis, but it helped a lot.
And I would like to do it again sometime.
Hops
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Sea Storm - your validation so perfectly expressed in your first sentence is just a pure gift. thank you. I love your suggestions of the simple EMDR technique. I will add it to my repertoire. I have come to learn about the amazing connection between the body and healing. Even holding the body in positive postures or holding a positive facial expression has a therapeutic effect on the brain. The effects can be very subtle but i am convinced that they are accumulative.
I love hearing that you worked with children. What a gift you must have brought to so many. I so often think of Alice Walker's work in understanding that the child needs someone to hear and care, to understand. To be heard, affirmed, understood. That is the child's greatest longing - the human need. That need does not abate with time. I believe that child which has the profound need to be heard, believed and affirmed must be satisfied for the healing to take place. For me that 4 year old and so many more moments of childhood needed, needs to be heard.
Hearing, affirming, believing - those are gifts which restore the voice to the voiceless.
You so clearly are a vessel of healing. I imagine that has been a gift to many. I hope that has brought you some comfort as well. Thanks for hearing my voice and acknowledging my story. That little four year old rests in your compassion.
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Hopalong - you are so right about that shame - it is such a stealthy, insidious thief. It wears so many faces - even when we think we have called it by name and slain that dragon it rears yet another head and blindsides us from behind. Shame, once instilled at an early age, is so easily triggered by people and incidents that have no such intention. It has a long, long life.
I am glad to read you have had such good results from hypnotherapy. It must be a great relief.
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I recognize that bitterness has taken a toll on me my whole life. I know the source of it. I am taking the lid off of the repression of it with some reluctance and some trepidation. I went to Alice Miller site and found this and found it helpful.
AM: I totally disagree with this theory and think like you that it shows indeed traces of poisonous pedagogy as the rage and anger are condemned by all religions. However, these emotions are the most natural, healthy and logical reactions to endured pain. Since these emotions are forbidden for children, they must be suppressed (in contrast to sadness which is allowed). Neither in family nor in school are these IMPORTANT and life-protecting emotions allowed to be felt and expressed in words. They must thus stay blocked in our bodies and produce corporal symptoms in order to be heard. If they are taken seriously in adulthood, these emotions can be felt in therapy and then the symptoms may disappear. Because their only one concern was to REBEL AGAINST INJUSTICE, cruelty, perversion, hypocrisy, lies and the lack of love. All this bitterness was locked in the body without any outlet. Now, in therapy, they must be respected by a therapist who is not afraid of them. If, instead, clients should believe that their rage is only a defense against sadness and an illusion of “false power,” they will – again – be hindered to admit exactly this emotion that blocks the functioning of their bodies and whose liberation would be healthy for the adult.
Apparently the FEAR of the little child of the next blow that still lives within us penetrates also many concepts of therapy, primal therapy not excluded. We prefer to stay good, obedient children of the Kindergarten who rather do dare to cry without end, than to become adults who can feel the endless injustice they had to endure in their childhood and rebel against it. In my opinion, the adult must dare exactly that.
This is so painful for me. I may be repetitive but the double bind of not even being allowed to say that I felt mistreated caused an extra booster of resentment. Lifelong I have found that when others express their emotions and people gather round to empathize I boil with bitterness. My reactions left me rejected and isolated - the very states I most feared. It took me decades to recognize the self-perpetuating cycle and even longer to own it. Because of the message, "You get what you deserve" that was drummed into me daily both covertly and overtly. I longed to heard and affirmed and empathized with but was denied even at the very youngest of age.
My mother loved to tell the story of a time when I was an infant and some friends of hers had come to visit. The nurse was dressing me and I held my breath until I turned purple. The doctor rushed over and announced that there was nothing wrong but that I was strong willed and resisting being dressed for company. But I recognize that there was great hurt already experienced, hurt that my mother never understood and could never, through her dying day, acknowledge. Lifelong, my mother turned her back on my pain. So when I have seen others being lifted up and supported I experienced great psychic pain. I now know the source of the trigger and am working to no longer react to it or repress it. But I am still stuck in the "shut down" reaction and that is what I must learn to transform to an empowerment reaction. That is where I am. I must learn to stay with the pain rather than alleviate it, stay with it and acknowledge the source. It is so great.
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Dear Gaining Strength,
I am so touched by your story and the pain that you feel. Your courage in looking at the cruelty and rejection is breathtaking.
I am convinced that just as you were wounded to the core, you also have a capacity for joy. There is such life in your words although the pain is there and it feels unbearable. You are freeing the capacity for joy at the same time. It will creep in quietly and you might not notice but after the tears of rage and sorrow, you will feel more alive. Watch for it.
You keep going. It seems a miracle that you could survive that childhood. i am so sorry that your caretakers were deaf, blind, selfish and cruel. You survived under very difficult circumstances. I hope you can share some of your journey here.
All I can say is that what happened to you was wrong. And I care. Remember you are loved and loveable. Anything else is a lie.
Lot of love and blessings
Sea
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Peter Levine writes in Waking the Tiger Within that the path to healing from PTSD is empowerment. I am painfully aware that I am living in that psychological place from childhood of dependence. I am waiting, longing for a parental or authority figure to lift me out, to help me. I have actually been aware of this for quite a few years. I may have made some progress in moving forward but not much and certainly not enough.
I hope, I believe that exposing these binds to my consciousness is the first step. I do not know what the second step is but I hope it reveals itself to me.
I think I need to write more about receiving no help in my earliest incarnation. Looking back I see that both of my parents for different reasons saw my needs as a burden that either enraged them (father - clearly a wounded N and more) or bounced off of the wall they erected so that they chose to be blind - total neglect (mother - very passive aggressive.) For very complicated reasons, my mother's supreme neglect and utter lack of empathy or even acknowledging my struggles or triumphs engendered such frustration and anger in me. Sub-consciously I tried to get her to affirm me until her last day. This healing process so clearly requires that I do that for myself. I just don't know how.
Each chore before me stirs up the dust of that pain. Something has to break through and start the healing.
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Sea Storm thank you. I am so touched by your words. I am encouraged and touched. I thank you deeply for your generous acknowledgement. It is like a life-giving nectar. I am thinking that I came back here as part of my healing. I am so thankful that Dr. Grossman has allowed it to stay up. I am definitely in a different place from when I first came here. I know what I need and I am able to sort through what is helpful and receive that while letting the other fall aside. In days past, I took it all in and needed it all to be salve, to be understanding and accepting. My being was so raw, my wounding so extreme, I grasped at everything within my reach.
I tried to bare my soul, my wounds but I could not discern the healers from the wounded and I nearly drowned again.
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There are breakthroughs on your path. You are equipped for this and it is very clear. I think the way will unfold for you in its and your own time. You might think you have to unearth it all but that is not the case. The psyche is mulitdimensional and works through body, mind and spirit. There are signs that show you the way and they come in a language that is different from psychological terms.
For people who are seriously mentally ill with brain chemistry that is impossible to balance without drugs the journey is very different. They need the drugs I think.
Otherwise there is a way that your instincts lead you along if you remember body, mind and spirit. Sort of the medicine wheel of tending all areas of your life. The vulnerability of reviving the ghosts and bodies of the past can swamp a person easily. If images and events come to surface they can pass like a log jam unleashed into a river. We are built to do that through dreams, writing and sharing with PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING>
Looking back I can see that I went to some clueless therapists and some good ones. The good ones completely accepted me and did not push. The good ones also used hypnotherapy and EMDR. One person I went to said he knew EMDR but he didn't. He was just a very inadequate psychologist who didn't know how to really connect with his clients. You are absolutely the best judge of who is good for you.
Therapists used to think that the key to feeling joy in life again was to unleash the dogs of rage and depression. Some of that helps for sure but only with the guidance of masterful therapists. I think that you need validation from yourself first. You are the expert in you. Be kind to yourself and reparent your hurting inner child. Stop pushing yourself to meet unreasonable goals, do things you hate, be nice to people who are nasty, eat food that is good for you and that you don't like. Be kind to yourself before you head for the bad experiences mind shredding . Listen to tapes that say you are a gift from the gods and that love is radiating from you and is a blessing. The loudest voice is you own and you can drown out the stupid mean inner critic. Who wants to hear more from the blood sucking zombies of the past? Not me. I KNOW they were mean and nearly destroyed my spirit. I get it.
This is what I think. You might not agree at all. I just don't thing you deserve to suffer anymore. The war is over.
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I had dream after dream last night in which I was shamed. I was in a room that was disgustingly dirty and I was paralyzed, unable to clean or I was in a group of people who were all going somewhere together - all except me. I was so deeply shamed as a child and I have found that shame turns in on itself - being shamed is shaming in itself, it stacks up and is so difficult to cut through, to heal, to alleviate.
I was shamed in order to be controlled. I was given chores and not given the necessary resources so that I would fail and then was shamed. When I was teased or belittled and I reacted I was humiliated and further shamed, and on and on. Now I can take these images and enter in them and be present with that child. I hope that in time being present will give way to something more proactive. I am still participating in the first step - naming it. In time, when naming it becomes natural and happens without thought the next step will come into place.
It would be nice to be able to explain to people what I am going through. Adults who have not lived the kind of shaming neglect cannot understand why another adult cannot act. It makes no sense. And that inability to understand has its own level of rejection, isolation and shaming. Shame begets shame, it turns in on itself and grows. Naming it and holding that shamed child may not yet not it down but it does stop the progression. In time, I will be able to move this thought process into real time.
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Sea Storm - how generous of you to offer your pearls or wisdom. Let me not be a swine who tramples them.
I am ready for the psyche to unearth what is ready. I have done so much work for the past 30 years trying to understand "what is wrong with me?" It took me decades to understand, to name it (not really singular). I am interested to see how this unfolds.
We are built to do that through dreams, writing and sharing with PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING>
Sharing gives that voice, that healing voice that each infant looks to its mother's eyes to reflect back.
Stop pushing yourself to meet unreasonable goals, do things you hate, be nice to people who are nasty, eat food that is good for you and that you don't like. Be kind to yourself before you head for the bad experiences mind shredding
You are spot on. This is so important. Pushing for this things has always increased the shame and been more paralyzing. You are so right about this.
You are so kind to share. How comforting.
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I had dream after dream last night in which I was shamed. I was in a room that was disgustingly dirty and I was paralyzed, unable to clean or I was in a group of people who were all going somewhere together - all except me. I was so deeply shamed as a child and I have found that shame turns in on itself - being shamed is shaming in itself, it stacks up and is so difficult to cut through, to heal, to alleviate.
I was shamed in order to be controlled. I was given chores and not given the necessary resources so that I would fail and then was shamed. When I was teased or belittled and I reacted I was humiliated and further shamed, and on and on. Now I can take these images and enter in them and be present with that child. I hope that in time being present will give way to something more proactive. I am still participating in the first step - naming it. In time, when naming it becomes natural and happens without thought the next step will come into place.
It would be nice to be able to explain to people what I am going through. Adults who have not lived the kind of shaming neglect cannot understand why another adult cannot act. It makes no sense. And that inability to understand has its own level of rejection, isolation and shaming. Shame begets shame, it turns in on itself and grows. Naming it and holding that shamed child may not yet not it down but it does stop the progression. In time, I will be able to move this thought process into real time.
Aw, GS, I do know what you mean, it's virtually impossible to talk about things like this with people who've not been through similar. But the sense of relief when you do talk to someone who gets it is huge. It's taken me a really, really long time to be able to work through some of the things that happened (and it's very much still an ongoing process!). But you are right, naming it and recognising it is a really important part of it. And I found taking that shamed little girl, holding her, stroking her hair and telling her she did a really good job and tried her best really helped. I felt very silly doing it at first but it got easier over time.
I have found over the years that I have had to accept that I can't be 'real' with everyone I know, because some people just can't understand how I feel or think sometimes, and as you say, the rejection from that is too difficult to cope with. So I've found that probably the only person I can be really open with is a therapist, and then I have two friends who've had similar childhoods and get it, although even with them I don't go into too much detail.
What you are doing is so amazing now. You're so strong to do this and it will all come together for you, I'm sure xx
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I was so touched by your dream. It was so terrifying and painful. The cruelty of allowing a child to feel that way is so clearly abusive and soul destroying. The narcissistic parents can do this without a second thought. Annihilate. You survived that. That must be some gift from a very sacred and untouchable part of you.
I used to have dreams like that for years. Dreams of being shunned. Shunning is reserved for very special victims and is designed to be one of the cruellest forms of punishment. Again the shunning people are some really whacked out bonehead dipshit bottom-feeders. You are explaining shame to me in a way that makes me really get it. Get what it does to your dreams, your heartbeats, your tears, your guts.Your ability to connect to the very people who could help you in the here and now.
I wondered how my psyche could be so mean when I was hanging on by my fingernails to live. The dreams were paralysing. I would wake up and they had been so huge and damning of me that I could barely get out of bed. To switch into a fast paced life.
Looking back a bit I can see that the fast paced life had something to do with the wicked, soul snatching dreams. This went on for years. Being hounded by my dreams and they told me I was worthless and scorned and excluded. That is how I felt at work and in my marriage. It became reality. I just got that now. Whew!
I was recreating my childhood in my worklife. Teachers are very, very conservative where I worked. They found me to be inexplicably weird and they were actually alarmed by what I said which was pretty basic for a child therapist. The reality was that I WAS excluded and shunned and I felt terrible about it and felt like I must give off a bad odor or something. I went from school to school and assessed situations with kids and gave explanations and helped create plans as well as worked with the children and their families. The job was impossible as I had four schools and over a thousand kids potentially to work with. Any crisis was my territory. So you can see that I was just like a ping pong ball in a bad storm. On top of that my dreams were beating the crap out of me. Scorn, shunning, failure, exclusion. My worst fears and dread.
For some reason I would not get that the job and my marriage were screwed up and instead of believing to my core that what the dreams said were true. Finally, I snapped. Could not do the marriage, was unable to walk ( really) , my whole body hurt like I had fibralmyalgia, and other things. I could tolerate no more cruelty and had NOTHING to give.
As an insightful person I think you get my drift. Yup, right over the cliff.
My life had to change and I was lost. My body knew what was going on and so did my dreams. I was more terrified of losing the man I loved and my profession. Oh yes, and I was targeted by a narcissist boss relentlessly. Good god, I don't know how I did it.
So the dreams went on and on for years. What they were telling me was to GET OUT. Run from this nightmare. Don't try to fix it as it is too much, impossible. Just get out. Be a bag lady, join the circus, put up a table on the street with a sign that says free hugs, anything but just get out. I had created my childhood circumstances but I didn't know it. I didn't have to know it maybe.
I did not have the strength or insight to stop being tortured by work, husband, boss, renovations, fish boat, fishing. I might as well of been carrying the fishboat on my back for all the work and money it cost. Oh throw in a philandering spouse who acted like life was set to music. Good grief. How to you just step away from all that.
Here is how...... your health goes sideways. You have staggeringly awful dreams where you are deserted and shunned and shamed.
Somewhere in there some light has to get in. It takes a series of small miracles. Something tells me you have had the small miracles too. That place that is your higher power in you, the shy quiet heart like a violet. You take a step to be kind to yourself because no one else is, you start to write in Voicelessness and read the stories of other survivors. You hear the stories of the trapped ones. Who gets out and who stays in. I am all mixed up about which one is you and which one is me now.
I remember those punishing dreams. They were saying that my life was like the dream. Also the dreams described my childhood as an unwanted and neglected child who could not get out and had no escape. I relived that reality in my dreams and they were like punishment from hell. So I hope you know that I get what you are going through and it is godawful. Blessings to you. I hold you in my heart. You deserved better. You deserve to be loved. If there is no one to love you then you just have to love yourself somehow. Even in little ways. Go to where people are kind. There is a roadmap in your intuition. You are here.
I have probably said to much in my desire to help you. Somewhere in the middle it started to unravell and become my story too. Thank you for opening up so much. You have helped me a great deal with your story. A lot of things fell into place.
Lots of love to you,
Sea storm
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Twoapenny - Thanks for your kind words.
I relate to your point about being real. It took me so long to understand that. I think I was hoping to connect, to heal that gaping wound. I didn't work. Now I try to hold my cards close to my vest. It is so tricky to get this healing done. Each person's path is so different so there is little standing on another's shoulders. But compassion and empathy do go a long way to strengthen one another.
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Sea Storm -
The dreams were paralysing. I would wake up and they had been so huge and damning of me that I could barely get out of bed. To switch into a fast paced life.
I think that a fast paced life can take the edge off the shaming. The body is active and busy. It is in the quiet, the night, the times alone when the shame that goes to the core comes out to haunt. That is why it is so important to heal down to the core - so important but so much easier to say than to do.
I suspect your work with those children and families was such a god-send to them. Those teachers didn't get their students - they couldn't have gotten you. It would have meant they had to own their own weakness which only a strong person can. It sounds like you bore the pain for them. As a mother I have seen that children who don't fit the mold are shunned 1st by the teachers. That kind of shunning costs a child dearly.
unable to walk ( really) , my whole body hurt like I had fibromyalgia
Our bodies hold our trauma; our bodies, our brains hold it. I am finding that therapies that go to the body and to the brain, the neurology are more effective that talking. But there is a play off - the body and brain hold the memories and the adult brain systhesizes, reorders and creates understanding. But the worst part seems to be that the pain has to be re-lived.
I am all mixed up about which one is you and which one is me now.
Ha, ha - I so get it. It can be so topsy-turvy.
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This summer my first priority is healing from the paralysis that has crippled my entire adult life.
Though I have made progress in my healing in many ways and on many levels in the past 3 decades I have not broken through this paralysis and the profound anxiety that accompanies it. But I don't want to mask the unlying wound. I don't want to funtion inspite of. I want to heal - all the way down to the core. I don't know the way out. I can only guess based on what I have read, heard and how it clicks with me, strikes my gut.
So, for now, I plan to hold that place of pain in my heart which I tend to that broken child. It may be very slow going at first but I expect, if successful, that it will blow open at some point. Why is it so nerve racking? I think it is because by using this "only way out is through" approach that I must feel that original pain and that is still so indescriabably difficult. But I am going to do it. Thanks for letting my share my struggle. It is so helpful to have a place to share..
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After my husband died, when our child was 7 months old, I needed help. I needed help sorting out the mess he had left for me, sorting out his estate. I needed help putting food on the table, keeping my house repaired and the yard kept. At that time, my parents, divorced, were in their late 60s and early 70s and each were worth a few million dollars and almost $10 M. They did little to help. My mother said she was too old to keep my baby. My father at one time made an offer and sent his man over to help with a few things in the house but demanded it be done to his liking. I declined.
Neither helped me financially. Neither helped me sort out my husband's estate which left me the house we were living in and all of his debts. Nothing else. He left his insurance to his former wife (divorced 15 years before his death) and his grown children from that marriage. It took me years after that to truly understand that my prominent, wealthy parents had abandoned me years before. They liked to pretend we were family and my mother had been dependent on my since my father had left her a few years before.
But that abandonment had happened more likely when I was born. But because they used the language of love and because they led a life that look like a life of envy from the outside even I was fooled by it all. What do I mean be being abandoned. Well I mean that they simply were not there for me. they did not advice me nor train me nor provide for me other than what I received by virtue of being their daughter. For example - at 10 I went away to camp for 8 weeks. I had been begging to go for two years. Even at that age 8 weeks seemed far too short to me. At camp that first year some of the girls had begun shaving their legs and taught the rest of us. When I went home in August I asked my mother if I could shave my legs. Her test response was, "It looks like you already have." That was the most she would offer me about any aspect of the physical or emotional changes of growing from a child to a woman. When I married at 23 I asked her to give me some advice and again she told me I didn't need any. And when I divorced I received less help or advice. By the time I married again I didn't bother.
It would take me years to understand that neither my mother nor my father had ever been there for me. Unlike the other people I had grown up with whose parents were my parents friends. The guided and provided for their children. I was left all alone. But the most destructive was being expected to do certain things without the resources to complete the tasks and then being belittled and humiliated for my failures. But not just at the time but for years to come. I feel certain that those experiences continue to plague me and are a large part of what underlies my paralysis. the Pain is indescribable.
I am determined to move forward and figure out how to stand in front of the pain and move through it. It is so easy to sit and avoid but that leads to its own pain and loss. God give me strength, courage and healing.
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I think that shame has an energy level that connect with what I thought was love as a child. This is so complicated and convoluted. But I think the only connection I got with them was when I was being shamed and as a child that was better than nothing and that was necessary for survival.
I seem to get stuck in shame. Peter Levine describes how a child able to fight is less likely to suffer PTSD. I did not fight as a child. I was unaware that anything was wrong other than me and I did try to change me - over and over and over again. But Levine writes that we can go back to that child and fight for her.I get that.
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GS,
How is your beautiful, amazing son?
I so hope he is thriving and doing well in school,
feeling hopeful and positive for his own life.
Hops
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Thanks for asking Hops. He is doing well - glad to be out of school and so excited about the summer.
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I am going to try a thought experiment today. I want to see if shifting my thought patterns can help me break through this stuck place.
It is too vulnerable to write exactly what my experiment is but it will be interesting to see how I can handle it. I know anything needs to be given time and that understanding will be pitted against such a longing and need and impatience for a break through.
But I must do something to get moving.
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I am going to try a thought experiment today. I want to see if shifting my thought patterns can help me break through this stuck place.
It is too vulnerable to write exactly what my experiment is but it will be interesting to see how I can handle it. I know anything needs to be given time and that understanding will be pitted against such a longing and need and impatience for a break through.
But I must do something to get moving.
I will keep my fingers crossed that something helps you out of this stuck place, GS. Personally I find shifting my thought patterns really helps, although it's hard to do! Good luck :)
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Thanks Twoapenny. I really appreciate your encouragement. it makes a difference.
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I've made ZERO progress. So frustrating.This is a pattern as well. GEtting all hyped up to break through yet another layer. going to work fully charged - hitting a wall at 90 mph. Dead.
Facing and naming the profound shame and pulling the bandage back to view again the self-loathing underneath.
This article struck me like a Mack truck. It writes about the office but it relates to my childhood. It explains to me the kind of Stockholm syndrome I was entrapped by.
https://www.facebook.com/HuffingtonPost/posts/10152223060226130
Thanks for listening.
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Dear ((((((((((GS)))))))))))
You have tried for SO long to defeat this trauma on your own.
I wonder if it isn't one of those Alanon type of things (not necessarily
related to family alcoholism, but to similar kinds of family brokenness).
Where just admitting powerlessness, might be better than telling
yourself you, alone, will come up with yet another special "key" to
the healing?
Is it possible that giving up on fixing yourself by yourself, and offering it all up
to a higher power that is composed of a group of other sufferers,
might allow some different light in?
These short-term hopes and crashes have got to be hell on you.
I think groups like Alanon actually don't "require" that the issue be
alcholism, as long as one is ready to follow the structure and principles...
but I may be wrong about that. Someone else may know.
love
Hops
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Step by step. with small deadlines, tiny bits of pressure I am able to stand right in front of the shaming shame and find that switch to flip to step into the supporting encouraging being and out of the shamed, humiliated child. It takes so much work to connect with that child who was trained that shame and belittlement = love. That child was emotionally abandoned from the git-go but the abandonment as a young adult was even more confusing. It did not add up to any expectations I had been trained to have.
Finding an image of love and acceptance has been so difficult but I am on that path now. I owe it to myself and to my child. Believing that I can do it is a large part of the work. To even hold hope and desires is part of the old pattern because expressing it was opening myself up to attack. There was no hope for help because help meant opening up for attack. This cycle continued for my parents entire lives and as long as I was in contact with my brothers. So now I am out of that loop.
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If one thing is accomplished the focus shifts to something left undone or not done up to standard. There is never celebration.
Rejection became expected, anticipated. This tug between longing to be acepted and embraced and the fear and expectation of being put down and belittled and rejected. Unable to let it slough off reacting to the pain of it all generated more pain.
You always brought the pain on yourself. You deserved it.
So hard to keep pushing through that pain. That expectation, that sense of deserving the ridicule and rejection.
Stepping into this pain is hard to experience.
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the only way out is to be able to stand in the pain and acknowledge it and move forward in spite of it. To not repress it, supress it, avoid it, distract from it but to stand in it and keep moving forward. This is the hardest thing I will ever do. I don't know if I can do it but then again I have no choice.
It has been such a long battle to get to this place and in many ways I am nowhere on this journey.
I thnk of how important the preparation for any work is. Perhaps all the word done for the past 30+ years has been preparation and now the work will happen. Yes. That is where I am. Standing in the pain, ready to move forward.
I know I must begin to commit to meditation. The ability to stand separate while present to the pain.
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Hi G.S.
First of all, welcome back! It always gives me great pleasure to see the “old timers” return for whatever reason. You have written such a courageous, painful thread for all to experience and connect with.
If you came to my office and described your history, this is what I would tell you—for this is what I have done with others in your situation. There is something crucial missing in your life, and that is an attachment to a loving, caring, empathic person. Without that attachment and the brain wiring that goes with it, all of your shame, pain, humiliation, “unlovability”, etc. will be lived over and over and over again in your life because it is the only wiring that exists. Many would disagree with me about this, but I think producing new attachment “wiring” is more important than forcing yourself, via whatever means, to come to terms/accept/desensitize oneself to the horrible pain that you have experienced. The reason is, speaking metaphorically, if the train travels along the healthy attachment tracks for long enough, the other set will become less and less “relevant” over time, and pain-wise, will begin to rust away. In my practice, I have seen this happen often. I don’t ask people to purposely relive any of their past trauma, instead I develop a relationship with her/him different than anything they’ve experienced before. That means, of course, that my attachment to them (even when they’ve stopped seeing me) is life-long, and they become an important part of my life—just as I am in theirs. This doesn’t mean that I prohibit them from speaking about their torturous past—it just means that they know they are doing it with another person who cares deeply about them (as some of the people here care about you). It also means the two of us find things to laugh about together, as well as cry about together—because life often provides plenty of opportunity for both. Importantly, the people I work with know that the “therapy attachment” is two-ways.
What is critical, given that my means of healing is not technique based but human-to-human based, is that you need to find a therapist who is a wonderful human being (like sea storm!). And someone who is willing and able to “open” their humanness to you. Sometimes this can be very difficult to find (I never found one)—although perhaps it is easier now than in the horrifying Freudian years of my distant past.
I hope this does not come across as discouraging to you—and certainly there are other methods of “healing”, but I wanted to share what has worked in my experience.
Again, welcome back and thanks so much for opening your life again to us.
Richard
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to Dr. Grossman,
There is something crucial missing in your life, and that is an attachment to a loving, caring, empathic person. Without that attachment and the brain wiring that goes with it, all of your shame, pain, humiliation, “unlovability”, etc. will be lived over and over and over again in your life because it is the only wiring that exists. Many would disagree with me about this, but I think producing new attachment “wiring” is more important
Wow! How wonderful to have what I did be embraced by you! I was chopping away at my life and dropping things and picking up things and in the midst of the physical struggle from March 2009, accident, Karla was introduced to my life.
I see that she has inadvertently become my "new attachment wiring", without my understanding the concept and why she has been so important to me these 5+ years. Because of parts of her life we identify more and more over more and more things, until we are excellent confidantes.
This also made me wonder if I were replacing my estranged daughter, some 38, or 30, 23 or 5 years ago, with Karla. I never really knew the exact date my daughter gave up on me, and threw me for a tailspin but I believe now that 38 years ago she suspected something was "different" about her. Through the rough years she was quite cruel but by 5 years ago, a nice respectable letter from her told me she was lesbian with a partner
I honestly cannot imagine the mindset she had in those 33 years---not understanding herself and not talking to anyone about it, but she is settled now, as am I, and now have an explanation why I am comfortable in not dwelling on her cruelty, as her life wasn't easy either.
Once again,
Thank you very much for your post and it wasn't from anything I posted because I was in a confused but not angry state. This shone a light!
Izzy
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Izzy: Thanks! I'm glad my words resonated with your experience.
G.S.: I hope my post (above) doesn’t discourage you from posting. Many here care about you, value you, and want you to feel less alone. Some of us have been through the same thing. We get it.
Richard
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Dr. Grossman, thank you for your post. I definitely have lacked a positive loving attachment but never thought of it in those terms. I keenly understand the ability of the brain to rewire through neuroplasticity. Your train analogy is clear and helpful. I do have a great therapist but have not been seeing him lately because of money issues. But your comment has me rethinking that.
I have been struggling with something that you wrote, struggling to put it in perspective. I'm working on how to articulate it.
I was quite touched that you would reach out and post a comment. Thanks again.
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Dr. Grossman, I love Peter Levine on trauma. I understand him to write that surviving trauma can be done by feeling empowered in spite of what happened. That sense of empowerment is particular to each person in every incident. But I also understand him to say that we can go back in memory and rewrite our experience in a way that is empowering.
I want to neither dwell in the past nor be controlled by it. I don't think I am dwelling in the past (though that could be argued) but I am certainly controlled by it. So my strategy is to be in touch with the source of my struggles, the obstacles to my moving forward, and by being in touch, to take these debilitating, triggering experiences and rewrite them, (and thereby rewire the brain), that's my theory and my goal.
The thing in your post that stops me short is the concept of "exposure". Jeffry Schwartz, MD, whose writing first introduced me to neuroplasticity, was put off by exposure therapy when he was a resident. His 1st step in overcoming OCD is to identify what is functioning (the OCD or in my case the anticipatory fear), name it and acknowledge that it is not based in present reality.
The next step for me is to go back in memory to the place where the wounding happened and then in that memory transpose it from powerlessness to an empowered reaction. I hope that with time it will get easier and the outcome will be healing.
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Rejection, abandonment & a gas lighting kind of sabotage .
You get what you deserve.
Learned helplessness. Achievement is punished with derision or silence.
Not good enough drives determination but constant critism grinds it all to a halt. Praising others for the things that garner me belittle meant engenders resentment.
Avoidance - avoiding the pain. Frozen until the steel door goes down - the released to move ahead pits punishment.
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I have struggled to articulate and bring into consciousness but it goes something like this - given an expectation but not enough resources to accomplish task, then belittled for failing.
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The goal for me is to heal some of the deepest pain through mindfulness, acknowledging the pain and separating myself from the hurt while not repressing it.
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Staying connected here helps me move forward, experience the shame and anxiety, name it and move forward. I'm making incremental progress. The key for me is to experience the shame and be able to move anyway. That has been difficult to date. But I am finding a way forward.
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GS,
Would it help you to visualize the steel door as a "mistake" of your mind,
and intentionally decide that it's actually a bamboo curtain, through which
light and air can move?
love
Hops
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I am on a healing path at long last. The issues have always been the same but finding and believing in the techniques that will help me move forward through all of this has been painstakingly slow.
The mind-body connection is crucial and I applaud those who have understood that including Peter Levine and many others. I decry those who flaunt the belief that every action is a choice. That philosophy completely denies the unconscious which is so much larger than the conscious. Bringing those unconscious forces into the light has been important for me. As I do the indescribable pain associated with it has been crippling . But no longer. I now have the means to process the pain , no longer repressing it, with the determination to get to the other side. This may need to be repeated countless times until the brain paths are shifted but I can do that. No longer do I need to avoid this pain. I know it's source and I know the release is on the other side.
This simple understanding dissolves a layer of shame and fear. With this knowledge, simply naming the anticipatory anxiety and accompanying shame is like pouring water on hard crystallized sugar, it softens and melts and dissolves away.
I know where the paralysis came from and why it has crippled me for so long. I understand why I have been impotent to overcome it. I know that all of my strengths and good characteristics are there waiting to be freed at long last. Finally I can foresee being able to be present to condemnation and rejection and name it and observe it but not own it or claim it. As a child I took all that was meted out as I saw it necessary for survival. My unconscious continued the pattern. But I am free now. The unbending surgery is complete. Now comes the work of realigning my mind.
It will not be easy but I can do it. After I progress with overcoming paralysis then I can do the same process with rejection. They are profoundly intertwined. I sold my identity early on in order to have fleeting moments of acceptance. The long run was just the opposite. The fear of rejection is so powerful but the experience of it ironically, has a way of inciting more alienating behaviour. By processing the grief of rejection; past, present and future, I expect to be able to grieve and move on. Letting go and no longer dwelling.grieving is a process of mourning and moving on.
I am reminded of the line, " Take what you need and leave the rest." Even as I write I am aware of cracks forming in the iceberg. Lifelong I have countered every thought with all possible arguments against my own. These seeds were planted by my father who would later be diagnosed with many mental illnesses including OCD PD. I internalized these voices my entire life. They are part of what has crippled me. But that ice is cracking.
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What a great metaphor Hops.
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Today and the next few will be interesting as this breakthrough comes to some kind of a state of equilibrium. As the process begins to unravel I am seeing what has bee going on throughout my life.
Years ago I recognizd that I worked on a kind of radio runer. I would get this feeling of dissonance and my mind would start rolling trying to figure out what this ominous feeling was about. It would inevitably land on some memory or thought of how I didn't measure up and in time it would be about what I had not done and what I needed to to - a form of shaming (that inevitably lead to paralysis because I was unconsciously trapped by "damned if you do and damned if you don't." But damned if you do was always more paralyzingly.
As this unravels I see how my body and thoughts played off one another. My my would look for what was wrong and my stomach would cramp up and I would either sek a distraction to repress the wretchedness or would plot through knowing more shame was coming on. And this cycle would repeat itself over and over throughout each and every day.
Now, I a,m able to process bits and piece though I still use quite a bit of diversion. But my ability to process is growing and there will come a day when I am more able to function than not. That is the day I am looking forward to. It will be life changing.
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Writing about this is like talking about it. It gets it straight in my head.
My normal posture is one guarding against the horrific stomach pain that comes from tightness in my gut anticipating the shame and rejection and failure awaiting my every breath. As this grip begins to loosen , I am flooded with memory and shame and pain that has been repressed for years. It is so complicated.
The doors are opening because at long last I have the tools to process the feelings behind them. But the flood is too much. The only thing I know to do is to just process, process, process and let the tide take care of itself.
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Hi G.S.,
I don't want to interfere with your wonderful work here, so we can talk about theoretical "stuff" on another thread at another time. Keep going!
Richard
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Serendipitously I discovered an article which closely describes what I have been doing. It is in Psychology Today, written by Beverly Engel entitled How Compassion Can Heal shame from Childhood.
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Dr. Grossman I value anything you have to say. This thread is open to any subject. I am thankful that you provide this forum. It has been at times for me the only place I had to come to work through my struggles or my healing.
My journey has been a very slow one but I have never given up.
Yesterday was a day when I made great progress today is proving difficult. I am reminded that somewhere in my unconscious it appears that I was greatly punished for achieving. I always seem to pay a price for it. But with that belief I can take it and work with it to offer support and kindness to that broken and shamed child and transfer to her courage and love and support.
This little sed Ned's nourishment, light sun, water and love to grow. Through out my life I have fed the dark but hope was never extinguished. I fed resentment and jealousy but still hope flourished. Now I am feeding compassion and love as though to an infant and that will grow and flourish and life will be abundant. Like much in life the curve is slow at first but in time it will shoot up..
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One of the things that is difficult about this process us that as I process and heal memories and levels of shame more and more emerges to be healed. It feels as though no progress us being made and the intensity is enormous. But I have been at this long enough to know to just keep at it. There is a critical mass where it all cracks open ando moves forward., not unlike some other natural processes. I am finding it very easy to focus on the compassion for the first time in years of trying. All in the presence of the shaming memories that have controlled my entire life. That alone is progress. That shame is still horrifically painful but this compassion is slowly but surely dissolving the block and replacing the dark with the light. Bearing the pain in the presence of love dissipates it rather than represses it. For years I could not sustain that connection with love because my father's and mother's message that I was undeserving was too strong. But no longer.
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I am. Already feeling a shift in several areas: the intense longing is softening, as is the powerful pain of being left out. The anger and resentment have abated. I am primarily left with the raw pain and unfortunately the paralysis. But I am keeping my focus on the positive shifts. With that focus they will grow.
Friday my child found and online obit for his father. He brought it up to me because I was not mentioned in it. I realized it must have been done by his half sister. In the past this would have both shamed me and enraged me. But this time I went online, found it, tried to correct it, discovered that the author has to make changes unless they have abandoned it. At first I felt helpless, but after a day I sent a message to the organization and explained the situation and asked them to correct it. Whether or not they do is less important to me than the fact that I found the power to stand up and ask. And another layer of healing that shame is that I am able to write about it here and open myself up, make myself vulnerable.
It's all so fragile but strengthening bit by bit. Writing here helps me tremendously. It encourages me, emboldens me, strengthens me.
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I found another article that goes directly to this shame issue. It is The Power of Mindful Empathy to Heal Toxic Shame.
All of this is coming my way as the door is now opened. As I was processing more shame this morning I discovered one reason EFT has not worked for me. I was using the repeat line "I completely love and accept myself." And I discovered that that line is enormously shame provoking. It didn't work to use shaming words to heal.
As I call on love and compassion I think of an infant who is held by a loving parent and comforted until that child feels restored. I think of toddlers who need reassurance and children who turn to parents to get the understanding and redirection and support needed to overcome the slings and arrows. That is what I am getting from my council of loving beings. For years I could not sustain these images because the message that I needed too much was more powerful than my ability to hold the loving image. I got the message loud and clear from a therapist whom I had great respect for. But now I am moving past that barrier. Thank goodness.
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I think I am going to have to come to acceptance with shame over failure and that includes the results of this paralysis due to shame. One of the most toxic aspects of shame is that it is shaming. That the presence of shame generates more shame create so kind of prison. So that spiralling effect must be healed as well.
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I understand everything you're writing here, GS.
And I am so moved and happy to read this:
I am finding it very easy to focus on the compassion for the first time in years of trying.
This is massive.
I DO believe the paralysis will shift.
Small pleasure in small steps is safe.
Thank you for inspiring me to befriend my own paralysis, and give it enough compassion to yield. Just enough for one small step, in one present day. That's all it ever is. And I keep forgetting that.
love
Hops
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Hops, thanks for your kind words. I am very hopeful and determined as always. I am also thankful to be able to name a part of the blockage and to have found a way to stand in the presence of the suppressed pain and transform it into something unable to do further damage.
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Good day. Getting stronger in my work walking right on through the barriers of shame and fear, as though the solid concrete has become a permeable gel. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.
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This is a war that has to be won one battle at a time. I am in for the long haul. In addition to the lifetime habituation of a shamed mind I must overcome the extraordinary exhaustion of the battle. The constant strain on my adrenals has taken a toll but it will only get better.
Until now, the battle was sysiphian. Any progress was wiped away because the contro
Lying aparatus of shame was ever powerful. Now that that very behemoth is being addressed there is the remnant of the fear and expectation that what ever progress has been made will be wiped out. But I will continue to remind myself that even that will be overcome.
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Hello everyone.
Each day is something new. I am both stronger and very exhausted. I have so much in front of me. Just thinking about it is exhausting. But I also am getting stronger about facing all that is in front of me.
I drove over 6 hours today to take my child to a woman who is developing a fascinating technology which identifies and treats imbalances. This was our second trip. It was fascinating. I can't wait to see what comes of it.
This week I got bags and bags of trash bagged up.bags of clothes and some furniture picked up and a plumber coming in the morning. I'm not yet prepared for the plumber but I am tired. We'll see what gets done. This morning I was very, tired and had a hard time getting up but we got there right on time.
As I break through these layers and layers of shame I expect to give a break to my adrenals and that may help reduce the fatigue.
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Rough morning. I had memories of a recent experience in which I was trying to straighten out a mess with my drivers license. It was very convoluted and took enormous amount of work before I went to court. Very generously my therapist went to court with me and was thinking it would be easy as he knew the small municipality judge. It didn't go we'll. the prosecutor was such a jerk. He screamed and yelled at me, called me names. Was belittling and demeaning. This is what my father used to do. This is exactly what makes it difficult for me to deal with the messes I have to clean up. I'm facing one today. I haven't been able to do as much to prepare as I would like and I would really like to cancel the appointment.
I have been using my images to healing with recognizing and overcoming the shaming. It helps. It brings forward these images like the one I have described. I have so far to go.
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This week I got bags and bags of trash bagged up.bags of clothes and some furniture picked up
My GOSH. That is huuuuuuuuuuuuge. I really know how huge that is!
Where have you put GS?
Sorry you had a "step back" with some old feelings but don't despair. That means nothing in regard
to your overall amazing realizations (compassioncompassioncompassion = a step back doesn't disable)...
You're doing great, GS. Fatigue does give us setbacks. NOT to worry.
You're going to be okay.
love
Hops
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Neither my phone nor my computer work. I took them both in last Thursday. Verizon said that because my phone was under warranty I could receive another but if something not warranted is the cause I will be charged $200. The new phone arrived it doesn't work. I finally heard from Apple last night that they don't know what is wrong with my computer but they will send it off for $750. I am currently now using my child's iPad.
We have no water. Our pipes burst and it has been difficult to get a plumber. Plus the house is such a wreck. I am so nervous about anyone coming in. I feel like the world is collapsing around me and my finances are so limited and I am not only not working but it will be very difficult to get a job that will pay the bills.
I knew today would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult. There are some other very significant issues at play at the same time. If I don't break through this paralysis soon I have no idea how I will be able to provde. The well is dry.
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External mess a reflection of my internal chaos. It will only be resolved from the inside out.
Disgust introjected from the other can be seen as the root categorical emotion of the compound emotion of shame. We may manifest this disgust outwardly as the shaming-blaming part is then projected onto others as a defense or manifest it inwardly as we turn on the self. That critical voice inside is now functioning as our own psyche’s best effort to protect ourselves from further shame. “If I, the inner critic or judge, can keep you in hiding so you don’t do anything else stupid to evoke an attack by ‘them’, you won’t be hurt again. I will do my job and do it quickly before anything bad can happen so ‘they’ won’t do it worse.” We believe that this inner berating and constraining of self will keep us belonging within the norms of the group (or attachment figure). Of course, this sends what we call the wounded inner child into exile, feeling lonely, isolated, orphaned, even from one’s self.
The following piece perfectly describes my existence:
Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively. This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis. As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.” Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide. Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break. Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.
I have no choice . I must find the way to function. My child depends on it. It midst happen. I must find a way forward.
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That whole thing about dreams being squashed is what causes me to hold onto stuff that is ruined. I see it thanks to those words. Because I have not mourned the loss I am bound to it - literally bound to it. Mourning and grieving are not conscious processes. They do not operate on summons. I long to start this process. I long to move through it. I long to be free.
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The longing I have to connect is indescribable. Connection as a child was subjugation or obligation. I never experienced the delight in my presence that most children are received with. The longing to connect has seen me repeat the two prongs established so early but they do not exist in isolation, they are coupled with profound resentment. Longing and resentment and expectation of rejection all bound together with the profound underpinning that I fundamentally believe I deserve all punishments and rejection. It is a complex configuration. Holding the child who was so profoundly rejected.
As a child of 4 I learned of adoption while watching television. I remember so clearly how my heart lept thinking that I must have been adopted. It gave me such joy to think there might be another family for me somewhere.
I have lost so much in this life. My longings have been so intense and unrequited, filled with great sorrow. My work now is to stay with that broken child and bring love and healing to her so that she can move forward, leaving the ruins behind.
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Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively. This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis. As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.” Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide. Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break. Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.
From www.lindagraham-mft.net, The Power of Mindfulness.
So succinctly she gets at the whole of it.
I feel compelled to close my eyes, feel the humiliation, receive love from loving entities and send it into the broken hearts of those who wounded me from the start and who denied my longings and being until the very end.
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The innate longing to connect often impedes the silence necessary for the emergence of the wounded unconscious to receive the healing love. How often it has been presented in the past only to be ridiculed and berated. Still the wounds and wounded must open to receive all that is perfect and gracious.
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I am slowly but surely replacing the habituated dark emotional responces and expectations with higher ones. Yesterday I held images of my parents and was drawn further back for several generations. In each subsequent generation I was able to see or feel the blockages and woundings. In this process I saw again that my mother was stuck at 3. Suddenly it struck me that her middle sister was born then and it immediately be me clear why she had become stuck. My grandmother put everything into that middle child who was different and carried a very dark, demanding energy forward. I found on my father's side such darkness and narcissism that I felt compelled to erect an one way wall, allowing only love to flow to them but none of their life stripping demands to pierce through.
Last night I had a dream with some recurring themes including my mother lying and refusing to be forthcoming. This was a constant battle in real life. My frustration was indescribable. But on waking I connected to images of loving people, sought their counsel and healing and over time was able to release that frustration, loss and torment.
Doing a little research last night into energy levels of emotions I came across a piece that described shames as the lowest level at 20. Fear and anxiety was several levels higher but still low. Functioning at such low levels has brought on much of the darkness and made it difficult to rise above. I have tried for years and years to rise above, to let go of pain and resentment and longing. Most spiritual writing says to do so but few explain how to do so. I am so thankful that I have found a means .
For me, the most binding belief hidden deep, deep was that I did not deserve good things but that I deserved the bad, rejection and not to have my desires met or achievements celebrated. Even this pro founding crippling state has been freed. To be able to tune into love and release shame , anxiety and fear is remarkable. Only good can come of it.
It is through this change that the order in my home will come, that the creative activities will be freed fron not deserving and condemnation.
I have sought help for decades but somehow the dark energies were actually solidified rather than healed. I don't really know why. But today I feel strongly on an upward path lifted away from shame . I have some elements of fear to work on. They are deeply engrained but it will be much easier to hold these in consciousness. I expect layers of work here but I not only can do it I am compelled to do it.
Thankful to have this place to work this out.
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Doing nothing or being in a state of paralysis avoids the excruciating triggers of shame. Part of that trigger is the expectation of it and that is a lifelong ingrained habit. Now that I am armed with the ability to tap into the feeling of being loved I have to practice it over and over until it replaces the habit of being triggered. I think I can look forward to this because it s easy enough to triumph.
A first step is getting relief from the expectation of shutdown from shame. As I venture out today to take care of legal business I am calling on that new experience of tuning into feeling loved rather than shamed to carry me through.
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Long day. Got everything done.
Dr. Jeffry Schwartz says the brain changes with daily work by 45 days. I'm counting on it.
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Bravo.
So bravo.
Hops
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Thanks for you encouragement Hops.
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I am making progress. Bit by bit. I have almost broken through that layer of expecting the shame. I have certainly broken through a layer of consciously feeling that I deserve it (though there is an icebergs worth of the unconscious part to heal.)
I have a long way to go but feel thankful that I am on the path. I have tuned into or discovered an ability to resonate with certain images or feelings and in contrast I am learning to notice discordant feelings and to heal them or separate from them.in time I will no longer have to avoid such disconsonance but will be able to correct them.
For now, my dreams are bringing up so much for me to process.
I am beginning to understand that as a child I was trained to tune into the dark, low vibrations that my father demanded of me, shame, fear, anxiety. Neither he nor my mother were able to love. Their own inadequacies came from their FOOs. My father's family has such dark, dark auras. For several generations. For now, I must simply maintain a wall to shut that dark energy out. Perhaps when I am stronger I can help heal that as we'll.
My mothers family on the other hand was capable of love but here had been traumas and disruptions, the biggest of which was my grandmother's reaction to her second born that continued for 43 years until my grandmothers death. But it had roots that lasted long past. But my mothers family can be more easily restored.
When I get to the place where I no longer fear triggering the dark stuff then I will be free. I think I am close. For now, if I bring that fear into consciousness and name it then I am already proficient enough in connecting to the love of that group I have assembled to counteract and heal those feelings of shame and anxiety. So I just need to name that fear and heal it. The more I do this the easier it will be.and the sooner that whole layer of fearing the shame paralysis will disappear.
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Today is the first day in a very long time that I don't have to react to stuff coming at me. I have an opportunity to see how much progress I have made in stepping forward to tackle things that need to be done. As I make my plans I see that I have a long way to go in getting past just fending off disaster. It comes from decades of trying to break through the gridlock only to be beaten down again.
So now I must call on my rational mind or more accurately the new consciousness to be willing to have faith that I am healing and that these long years of failing are on their way out. It is still quite scary but that suggests that I can work on that layer of fear and as that dissipates I will be able to move forward again.
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My dreams are getting better. Such a relief.mi am so thankful to have so much time to heal . The sign I am looking for is when the cleaning begins and is sustained and the shame, if triggered is released through my thought techniques. Still very hopeful.
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As I process this iceberg of pain and trauma interesting things come up to me. I wrote briefly about the discoveries of the pain and blockages in some lines of my ancestry. Last night it was a discovery about my mother. For sometime I struggled to understand why I felt such anger and frustration towards her. In some ways I could list some actions or events but it still wasn't so clear. But last night a portion of it flooded back. It is a kind of neglect that would only be understood by those who have experienced it because while most people have a list of moments when there mother wasn't there for them, my stories are examples of the norm rather than the exception. And most important is my reaction to what happened rather than the events. That is why I think I am able to heal now, because even years later I can shift my reaction.
As I have written before, the nail in the coffin for me was the rage evoked by my father when I expressed my needs, desires, or hurt. That reaction still makes it difficult for me to express my memories or feelings. That denial of my being still pains me and locks me up. I was not allowed to grieve, to complain, to be joyful, to need. Why would not one adult in my life rescue me or even acknowledge what I endured.
My needs and my struggles were oblivious to my mother. It was a struggle I never overcame during her life. It was a struggle that pained me to the depths of my soul.
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I am feeling so much lighter. Still paralyzed but the darkness is starting to lift and although I was hopefull even the slightest improvement increases hope which of course generates a wonderful momentum. I'm off to the waste terai to prepare for my child's homecoming. I want to have clean sheet for him and a clean room too. That would be a great accomplishment.
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I was making progress cleaning this morning but when it comes to the big issues I took my eye off of the mindfulness and slipped a bit. We'll see if I can get back in the groove.
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I did it! You have no idea how exciting this is.
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Dear GS,
You appear to be doing so well. I use 'appear' as you sound content, although much of what you have accomplished is still beyond me.
It appears we had the same beginnings, but also seems our lives took different paths of trauma experience because of the principals involved.
I read your posts, btw, and thought it was time to chip in, as well, with Bravos on your accomplishments.
I don't have the vocabulary to describe mine, but just know that I am far better without any family contact. I do email my brother in return but no problem exists with our short notes, and he says he feels better when he hears from me....so why not drop a line and answer about my health when he asks, and comment on his life when he tells me, whether it is bad knees or trapping a skunk!
Keep on keeping on
xx
Izzy
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Izzy, thanks so much. I wrote and rewrote a post to your thread and never liked the way my post sounded so I finally erased it all. But I wanted to say something along the lines of acknowledging your fortitude in enduring the physical and emotional difficulties that continue to come your way. It is humbling for sure.
As my mother laying dying my two older brothers who had been estranged from one another for almost 10 years banded together and went after me with a vengeance. It has abated but not stopped and it took a toll on me in many ways. One of the many things they did was to go to extended family and destroy my name and my relationships. They used vicious lies, things like saying I had stolen my mother's drugs and narcotics, stolen other things, that I was mentally ill and more. They filed false reports to have my 12 year old child taken within days of my mother's death. It was non-stop. Aunts and cousins whom they never even bothered to communicate with we're brought in on their side.
One of the many disadvantages, was complete alienation from extended family. As rejection is one of my greatest wounds this was indescribably painful. When it came to Christmas my child and I were not included in a single holiday event. Mind you, my mother and I had hosted Christmas dinner for many, many years. And, of note is that neither of my brothers attended any family holiday celebrations for decades and yet my child and I were totally rejected.
But the up side is that it allowed me to let go of all connection, and that freedom ultimately let me get deeper into the primordial wounding that is now allowing me to be on this healing path. I am so new to it yet I am able to claim it because it has a quality of freedom quite different from every previous venture down the healing road. Finally I am able to release my fear of the shame. That very fear kept me bound to it. It is all so crazy. But my indescribable need to belong, to be included, to be seen by family kept me bound to the shame because my role was to carry the shame for my family. I had been given that role on birth. And now I am free.
So even the the daily progress is incremental, so very hard to see and could be so easy to lose by backsliding, I call it real and keep plodding on, knowing that over time the incremental progress will add up and in time there will be a critical mass of success that I will stand on. For the first time I am able to acknowledge the shame that is attached to everything, give it a name, be aware of it and move on anyway. Finally I am able to see it and not fight it. Fighting it and fearing it counter-intuitively gave it power.
Step by step, bit by bit.
Thanks so much for your post.
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I call THIS real...(and not crazy).
my fear of the shame. That very fear kept me bound to it. It is all so crazy. But my indescribable need to belong, to be included, to be seen by family kept me bound to the shame because my role was to carry the shame for my family. I had been given that role on birth. And now I am free.
Hoo-ah!
Hops
PS--and boy does the attack-by-brothers as Nmother dies sound familiar. Shudder.
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I've been very touched by twoapenny's post on Making New Friends. Especially the part about realizing the other people don't react the same way as her mother.
That shines a light on something that I have seen in myself that has been a huge problem for me.unconsciously I have expected other people to be demeaning, difficult and putting up obstacles. Becoming more conscious about my triggers is really helping.
In the past few days the level of anxiety from shame has definitely toned down a few notches. It is such a relief. Now I have to address the passive shut down part which is slightly different fron the shutdown due to being overwhelmed by current circumstances. For years now, every phone call, email, piece of mail has felt like a weight around my neck, an obligation, something more than I can deal with. I have worked hard to avoid them. But more debilitating Han that has been the upkeep of my house. Know I have to face it and start pushing a little bit. It is definitely a psychological issue. When we were renting a condo in another city during the week, I kept it up very well. But this house started going down several years ago when I had an enormous amount of damage. Trauma after trauma piling up. And financial burdens and fears on top of it all.
Because I have a way to face my fears at long last I believe I have what I need to start digging out. Out of habit I want to say this is scary but I have decided to not give into that. Step by step. We will see.
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One clear barrier is my habituated fear of failing and my own internal self-criticism and self-condemnation. For all of these years the criticism has felt like it came from others, it was a fear. I didn't see it all came from me.
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I think I'm going to shift my focus from the outcome to the first step. I get so paralyzed fearing failure and criticism that I can't even move. In the past year when I didn't feel like facing a chore like the dishes or the bathroom I used a rule of ten, where I just took 10 actions. It was such a great help. So once I completed,ten actions I could quit and consider myself successful or I could keep going. I'm going to try that more broadly. The big key is to just keep moving.
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I love that.
One square foot.
Or ten.
There will be beauty in that clean calm spot.
Then tomorrow you'll create another.
Hops
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Do you feel shamed by the act of housecleaning?
Hops
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Hi GS/ everyone,
I feel late arriving here, have read a lot of what's written but couldnt read all.
I was struck, GS, by how I had expereinced everything you described to the last detail. - the paralysis, the feeling of impossibility around losing a bit of paper, that small thing + I'd feel deluged and sunk in a 'hopeless-cut-out-to-be-a-victim' trigger. I'd also be flooded by a physical response in my body.
And you said:
because each one sounds trivial in description but the cumulative effect was devastating.
....... I understand this, but isnt that part of being voiceless, its those small things which carrry the implicit meaning, which can go beneath the radar of others, but impact us because we know the meaning of these 'small' things, and their impact lands right inside in those tender parts. Understanding the dynamics of these relationships, and the related disorders causing them has helped me some around these.
I'm interested in possible ways/ paths to recovery, .......... ? I never found what I deeply needed, altho I'm bettter, I dont feel my problem was resolved at the depth I longed for. I still seek, peer group possibilities interest me.
river
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....... I just wanted to add: I do have my own understanding of how all this comes about, that its by the projections of others, how that historical trajectory is created, and plays itself out thro us. What has been amazing to me is the sheer power of those projections, the hold they can have within us. And then, IME, its not just those orignal ones, many in society, of course are opperating at some level on the same disordered framework internally as was at play in the original, so we meet it all over again, and get tested. 'Same play, different actors' as the saying goes.
So, my task has been, and I'm still only learning and trying to find ways to act outside of that dynamic.
Dont know if any of this makes sense? This is so central for me, maybe I should do another post. (but thern theres all those bits of paper waiting for my attention!)
river
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Very touching river.
I came to write about the profound level of rejection I am working through. It is shaming and it comes through shame. And then I read your post and felt so connected.
" many in society are operating on the same disordered framework internally..."
Yes. I could say so much in response - but I am strick but the poetry of your succinctness and am going to leave it there.
Peer group possibilities interest me too.
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There are layers and layers of the shame that have accumulated over my lifetime. Bits and pieces are attached to things sort of like barnacles. The full weight of rejection and it's shame has descended onme now and is awaiting resolution, healing. I have not yet dug deep enough to get to "not good enough" , " you don't deserve", " you get what you deserve." Even writing those phrases generates the physical sensation of shame, descending on my shoulders.
I was compelled for decades to move through life longing for a savour. Even in more recent years as I recognized this was from being stuck in a level or arrested development, I could not shake it. Some part of the enormity of the mess of me home, I suspect , was a cry for help,intervention, from outside. It was not permitted to ask for help. Only nw can I see that both my mother and my father did everything they could to avoid providing help. It drew on deficiencies within their own beings. So they shamed rather than helped
, even though they both had abundant resources to draw on to provide help. Early on, I was made resource less and I adapted to that stae, waiting helplessly for he
Lp and resources tobe bestowed on me. That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use. I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis.
Step by step.day by day.
Do not abandon me.
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I searched "how to unlearn helplessness" and among many results, found this article. I liked what she said about thinking.
http://www.three-principles.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Unlearning-Helplessness.pdf (http://www.three-principles.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Unlearning-Helplessness.pdf)
(http://)
And if I could give you a present, GS...it would be this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Helplessness-Depression-Development-Series-Psychology/dp/071672328X# (http://www.amazon.com/Helplessness-Depression-Development-Series-Psychology/dp/071672328X#)
love,
Hops
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GS
I just had a sudden thought today looking at a book on the table. I had just read it and have yet to put it back on the shelf. I had read it before and knew I would like it again.
The thought was that I hadn’t had anyone interested in my interests…...books, movies, soap operas, music, website building, cooking, yada yada…..nothing for sharing and opinions. This made me take on the feeling that “everything I did was weird….or wrong".
Who brought this about? I did? Because I was already being ignored,? Or…
Now,
-because we are getting to know one another, Ellen brought me two books to share; Karla and I watch the Y&R together twice a week, and I keep her apprised about the shows she misses. If I miss the same I check the internet an apprise her.
So regardless of current events, jobs, etc. I have them to help make topics to discuss instead of just my health or theirs.
Thinking back, siblings and I could have shared an interest but we never talked about it, so?…. Good or bad we never shared anything! I find, in that, something important was missing!
Izzy
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did everything they could to avoid providing help. It drew on deficiencies within their own beings. So they shamed rather than helped
, even though they both had abundant resources to draw on to provide help. Early on, I was made resource less and I adapted to that stae, waiting helplessly for he
Lp and resources tobe bestowed on me. That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use. I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis.
That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use. I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis.
......... this last one - what happens if that were rephrased into - '..... in that dynamic I was enshrouded by them, their witholding from me imprisoned my desire and created longing, and to which I have yet to find the key to free my will from the grip of their will for me,.....
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Thanks for the article and book link Hops. Sellingman, of course, coined the phrase "learned helplessness." I bet his books are great. I am less impressed with Sedgeman's article. Her brief description of her childhood suggests she has no idea what it is to have parents sabotage and undermine a child. That's what learned helplessness derives from - a parent or authority figure's need for control and rendering a child or subordinate powerless to the point of helplessness.
I did see a great article on Huff Post about a fabulous sounding book entitled Supersurviver. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/what-is-a-supersurvivor_n_5549072.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063. I love this. It fits in nicely with Peter Levine's work and The Tools which I have great regard for. Levine, The tool guys and the authors of this book all understand that it is very difficult to overcome trauma. Their work acknowledges the difficulty but gives hope. In my experience it is very rare for people to be able to acknowledge a person's great pain and wounding. So many trivialize it with ideas and comments that all are a version of "get over it." If only it were that easy.
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Izzy, that need to share runs so deep in us doesn't it? I am so glad you have Ellen and Carla to share books and TV with.
As I progress through this blanket of shame I find myself digging through depths of rejection and the deeply binding fear (and expectation of fear) of rejection. The longing for connection is so great but I am uncovering a long repressed sense of resentment of being rejected and ignored that goes back to the beginning of my time. I am seeing at long last how that fear of rejection, expecting it and resenting it have all, ironically led to more of it. I can't help but believe as these fall away I'll find more opportunities for connection and sharing and relationships. I'm counting on it.
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River, I love your comment. I think language is very important, that choice of words has power and frames he way we understand something. I chose the phrasing "I enshrouded myself in" because if I did it then I can undo it. It gives me the power to do something about it, now that I am an adult. But, your wording is really a reflection of what happened to me. As a child I had no ability to chose, I simply reacted, and that was out of the need to survive. I certainly couldn't reason about what was happening to me. But what I like about your choice of words is that it reminds me that I am not responsible for what happened though I am becoming empowered to do something about it.
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I am making progress, and I am so thankful. I feel the tight grip shame producing anxiety has had on me lifelong is lessening her grip. As I unravel from that I of course encounter other strangleholds but their revelation is much easier to face and release than any obstacle I have worked through yet. It all gives me such great hope. But I will think myself healed (not perfected, just healed) wi
Hen I am free to tackle the tasks I set out for myself. I still have work to do to get their, perhaps some more archeology but certainly some entrenched habits to switch. Patience, determination, perseverance and celebration of victories along the way. Step by step.
Daily I have countless opportunities to notice and release the long practiced, unconscious, internalized voices of condemnation. Until very recently, their presence, either conscious or unconscious, was debilitating. No longer. Now when I become aware of them I am able to say " There it is. I no longer am ruled by this." Each time I feel such comfort and relief.
Looking forward to more healing tomorrow and each day forward.
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Time for the next step. I've made great strides in processing shame. Who knows how much more there is but I know what to do with it when it strikes now: just recognize the force at work, call it by name, recognize that it is belongs to those who shamed me bad is from my schildhood and tune into an image of someone full of love.
But the other day I recognized that rejection is a major force holding me back as well and so is self-loathing. That self-hatred never really belonged to me but I took on the project because I believed in my parents when I was a child.l
I found a wonderful website today that addresses these very issues. I can't wait to delve in. I love the philosophy that I have initially found.
The web page is coquettish.com
Here's a bit from the site: The stuckness of a pattern is frustrating, but ... do you hear the hidden message in this? Let me say it again. The emotional body - even though frozen, unexpressed, unremembered and inaccessible - has enormous power to outpicture whatever it is holding.
I'm in for a venture, heading back into the maelstrom in order to work things out. Following the philosophy that the only way out is through. The little bit that I have already experienced open me up to the great anger I have at being totally dropped, neglected by my mother. No doubt those feelings are in there concerning my father as well. I feel such hatred and I do not like that. So I have repressed it but it has NOT gone away.
. I'm heading back in. It is always scary to do but each and every time it has been a winning result. I'm so thankful to have a place to share my journey. Wish me well.
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I wish you well!
Hops
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Thanks Hops! I'm nervously excited.
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I really love these pages. They exude such gentle kindness.
Here is a bit I want to share with you:
Until then, do not be known. Stay near me and I will lead you through the maze where we are captives. I will lead you as gently as I can. I have already reclaimed much of myself and I can help you. And then you will help me.
Such words I have longed to hear. I longed to hear that from my mother, from my father, from my husband. That's what we should do for one another. I became completely jaded after my husband died. I longed to help my mother who both demanded my help and refused it.oh my heavens, it is a painful place to go but the other side beckons. I cannot resist the call.
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He did not want to help but he did not want anyone else to help either. Rejected, demeaned but required to be present.
She offered no help but would passively demand help and then reject what help was offered. Total rejection but demanding my presence.
When I was interested in something, wanted to do something I had to be secret about it or it would be denied me. Though I have no feelings around this I know the sense of pain and loss are very great. That pain is merely deeply repressed. Feeling that pain cost me dearly in the past. Not feeling it costs me dearly in the present.
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He did not want to help but he did not want anyone else to help either. Rejected, demeaned but required to be present.
She offered no help but would passively demand help and then reject what help was offered. Total rejection but demanding my presence.
When I was interested in something, wanted to do something I had to be secret about it or it would be denied me. Though I have no feelings around this I know the sense of pain and loss are very great. That pain is merely deeply repressed. Feeling that pain cost me dearly in the past. Not feeling it costs me dearly in the present.
Hiding what I loved, what I longed for was part of the voicelessness. It was the invalidation of who I am.
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Eww. I recognize that pattern. My Nmother did that too--
would require my presence on pretense terms. What she was
REALLY needing was an intimate adult friend or a T. My mother
had a twisted childhood and she needed to heal and grow.
She clutched onto me and I became her intimate, which I
wasn't strong enough to be of course, as a child. But she
could require my presence for trivia, and did. One of the
worst tensions I felt, for years, was due to her habit of just
calling my name from other parts of the house, over and over...
and I'd have to go. It was like a bell was rung...must scurry.
Then I'd get there and whatever she was focused on seemed
so trivial and I was desperate to do something (creative) for
my own mind/life -- but she broke my attention over and over
and over and over and over.
And yes, often whatever help I offered wasn't quite right.
I got to a point where I really didn't care about that. Do I
care if the books in the study are alphabetized or sorted by
category? No, Mom, but I will happily shelve them for you--
just please, please, please make a decision yourself. That
was it -- she really wanted hours of out-loud ruminating with me
as her audience. Exhausting.
Until she was vulnerable and genuinely needed assistance
and then I was at ease and even often happy in helping.
Compassion wasn't the problem when she was very vulnerable,
it was strong and deep and carried us both through. But when
she was a healthy, vigorous adult, her self-absorption was
still like a sand dune with no top. I just kept climbing and I
was a child trying to get my own footing--and her needs
and and her self-focus were massive, massive, massive.
Wow, that description of yours got me going, GS!
Hops
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Hops, thanks for sharing. It is so helpful to hear your story. Though I find it very painful to read, I feel such compassion for you and the child we all once were. How similar so many threads of our stories are. My mother would call or at times ring a bell for me to do something for her as though I were her servant. She would expend more effort to call me than it would have taken for her to do it for herself.
Would your mother intentionally sabotage your works of creativity?
My mother certainly did and her self-loathing directed on me continues to leave me bound ( but not for long.)
Thinking of you - GS
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Wow Hops and GS I can relate to both of your observations.
GS the passive need for attention and all of that dynamic is prevalent with my NMom also.
Mine completely thwarted any creative attempts and also being my own boss/business even with 20 years of experience in the field. My Dad was an MD and invented a medical device, she thwarted that also, she thought it was a pipe dream, my brother was a graphic designer, started his own design firm with clients from a company he was laid -off, she thwarted that also indirectly through disapproval and when he encountered difficulties or cash flow blips, she pushed him back to working for someone else. Seems even highly credentialed and experienced, she had to control the choices. I see it now, but it took 20 years. I WILL start my own business and succeed with it...
Bitch, witch, she has the "itch" we long to be rid of......ugh.... :x
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I don't know that she thwarted me, exactly...I went on to publish a book and poems...
BUT--I vividly remember how she proclaimed SHE was a writer, and urged me to read
pages and pages of her tone-deaf, uninsightful reminiscences and homilies.
It was excruciating because I really did have a deeper gift for deeper writing,
and it was clear that she was (unconsciously, I believe) -- competing.
I think it did have the effect of me having a lifetime struggle to take my own
work as seriously as in fact, I probably should.
Interestingly, my Nboss has done a similar thing. I have to edit his work massively,
he's tone-deaf and unreflective in his writing, and I make him sound smarter and
more insightful. But in a public setting, he talks about how "we" are writers, as
though our talents are equivalent.
That what you mean?
Hops
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hiya GS and others,
This thread on childhood trauma is just something else. I can relate to many things posted but not all.
I see a partially disabled mother who was not available emotionally and a father who was a rage-aholic and beat his animals and 5 children.
From those 5 children, 4 were red-heads, I was in the middle and with brown hair. I was never popular with anyone. I was taunted, pointed at, laughed at (except for my mother who did nothing to stop it) At school, when I was 5 and Gr. 1, the girls chose their friends. Two were left over: Florence, age 14, in grade 8 and dating her uncle., and ME. I was really an ugly kid and was left out! Florence was even uglier than I. I must have thought that appearance was the most important away back then.
When we moved to another farm, I was 8. I was put in the large bedroom with the 3 sisters. I wet the bed and they kicked me out, while Mom took me into her bed, as I never saw her share a room with Dad. He and my brother shared, while a downstairs bedroom fully furnished with a bed and 3 matching dressers, went unused. I just found out now that the tumour I had removed at 20 was a cause of incontinence, and I felt so ‘ignored’ about parents helping me with an issue.
When I was 10, I was changing clothes, with my door shut, but it gaped at the top. I heard giggles outside and shortly after that I was being called ‘Baldy’. I was called that by all 4 siblings and finally figured out that, at 10, I ought to have had pubic hair. I never went to Mom about it. I can see now that the two younger ones were pressed into this without even knowing why and the 2 older was led by the 2nd eldest, the bully of the family.
From then on I have hated my body, and look at me now, 65 years later, disabled, deformed, my left leg shorter than the other, wheelchairs, crutches, flags, ‘Depends”, while the other 4 are still healthy (as can be in our 70s..)
It has all boiled down to my brother, the youngest, who shared secrets with me many years ago, and I always ‘loved’ him for it. Only he and I exchange emails. He has called me brave and other terms (his last email….“You "sound" very upbeat which is nice - shows how tough you are.”)
This business about sharing, etc. came from Dr. Grossman, where it clicked instantly.
back on page 3“There is something crucial missing in your life, and that is an attachment to a loving, caring, empathic person. Without that attachment and the brain wiring that goes with it, all of your shame, pain, humiliation, “unlovability”, etc. will be lived over and over and over again in your life because it is the only wiring that exists…
I HAVE lived over and over and over again, all the hurts!….until 2002+ slowly, the people here in B. C. have set a position in my life, that never existed with Family and Others in Ontario. I have just my brother and he has a way of writing that keeps me on a steady path, so I have told Karla that whenever I die, I want her to have contact only with him….not those that haven’t the time or words to ’support’ me in life.
I have a clinic full of Wound Care Nurses who look after me and we have piles of laughter. The big deal was they never looked for age and thought I was about 55. But I have to tell my age in the Health community for my health’s sake! They go ga-ga!
Karla and Ellen are still with me and great! Ellen was doing the work in 2 hours (just a one-bedroom apartment) so was making less money than at the first when it took her 3 hours. Now she knows everything and I gave her a raise to keep her---yes to keep her---- and to keep her updated!
Maybe I never said but my lawyer ’cheated’ me by not telling me that all my expenses after the settlement are refundable to me, i.e this new battery chair ($7205.00--free flag), Karla’s Invoices, Ellen’s Invoices, Medications, Bath Lift, special cushion etc.---in just one year came to $15,500.00
As with Hopalong, she and I have in common the fact our daughters are gone from our lives. Just because I feel I’ll never see/hear from mine again, at 50, and 38? years, 5? years of no contact doesn’t mean that Hops won’t, when their estrangement is about 3? Years.
We can all have similar problems, but they start out differently and, at the same time, could end differently.
But the sharing I have done here, since year? and now with Karla and Ellen has made a must better life for me.
My struggles to make it all known are very difficult for me, as I feel my main problem, after checking constantly, is Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Good Luck, GS
Hang In
Xx
Izzy
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Ales2, I ran the gamut of emotions when I read your post and ending up laughing with your clever little riff.
My therapist and I talked about this issues yesterday. She sabotaged me so many times. My therapist said she hated me - no doubt but in truth she was twisted lay conflicted and utterly unaware of her hatred and truth be told, I have known since a child, before I knew any psychology, that she really hated her sisters and I was just another one of them. Last month I figured out that the reason she was frozen at mental age 3 is because that is the age she was when her middle sister was born and she lost her mother's attention that she so desperately needed.
Love reading about your insights. I lift my glass to your success and to mine to follow - as soon as I get furloughed from prison -lol.
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That's terrible Hops. A mother should celebrate the gifts and achievements of her offspring - not compete with them. We each receive and deal with things in our own ways but that is painful to read. We looked to our mothers to have ourselves reflected back. When we only see their ego our own selves are stymied. It is so hard to go back and get that healing - so very hard (but with every bit of effort.)
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Oh Izzy, I am so glad we can share here. Even if each of us have different experiences the pain and wounds we have in common are different from those the rest of the world experiences.few "outsiders have a clue of what it is to have a parent who was not loving or supportive. I needed love and support from within my family but I've also needed others to listen and hear my pain because that love was not there. Life long my own experience of rejection was rejected. That we can tell our stories hear and have them believed and sympathized with is salve on bone deep wounds.
BTW, I'm glad you have your brother who extends some support. I love what he wrote to you - such validation.
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Trusting this, trusting this:
For some, getting in touch with feelings and buried memories is easy. For these lucky few, merely noticing the resistance will be enough to overcome it. It will be simply a process of seeing the wall and walking around it or over it or through it. For others, for most of us, it's not that easy. The vast majority of us have childhood programming and societal restrictions to overcome, and the gap we experience between our consciousness and our feelings is a door that is not only shut, but 6 feet thick, made of concrete, and securely locked.
Be Clever...
I've become aware over the years that my resistance is slippery. A tactic I used yesterday may not work today. My resistance has become expert at avoiding me and real release. But I have become expert at watching for and finding where my resistance is holding my real pain hostage. Be creative, be flexible, and most of all, be persistant. You cannot fail if your true intent is to bring in and heal all of yourself.
Here is a list of some techniques that have been helpful in getting through that locked door: [\quote]
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I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in c'oeur d'alene, Idaho. (Never been there.) the hills were shaped like thimbles, very steep but not very high. All were green, lushly green. Some were meadowed and others forested, all were beautiful, breath-taking lay. Some houses were on the tops of the hills and others on the side. All were very well protected, none could be approached without warning. I was driving on a rolling, curvy road in a beautiful neighbourhood. I stopped to speak with a couple with whom I was acquainted. The young man was hefty, bearded and was wearing shorts and leather sandals that had straps around the ankle. I noticed his feet because he also wore socks that had very ornate cuffs with several stiff triangular pieces that stuck up and had beautifully crocheted lace edgings. I was trying to put it all in perspective when I woke up.
I would love for a jungian to analyze that for me!!!
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Ok, one more post. (When I go through these healing periods I find myself unable to stop talking, talking, talking. I think it is the undieing need to connect, to be heard, to be affirmed. It would come from that deep, deep, wound of primordial rejection.)
So I have decided to try the healing protocol suggested at cyquest.com. I am trying to get out of my head and allow the feelings to release. No question, being in my head is my place of comfort. Not sure why, just sure it is so. So earlier I went to youtube and searched for "tearjerker" videos. I could watch myself toggle back and forth between mind (seeing connections) and pain. Not surprisingly, I am very much in touch with my anger.
I had such an interesting experience watching my anger expose itself to me yesterday when having to meet with a banker over my mother and father's estate issues.
The progress is coming but I have only ONE goal. To be released. I pray that getting through the self-hatred with be the cork that let's it all flow.
So thankful to have a place to come with my stuff.
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I found the shut off valve for my tears. My father would punish me for crying. Even as a child, well especially as a child. I vividly remember being spanked at age 5 or 6 and my father telling me that if I didn't stop crying he would spank me harder. I felt insane. I see now that this was a form of torture. And of course my mother never rescued me, she never comforted me when I was hurt, crying. I learned to only cry alone. Even as a young adult I had some excruciatingly painful experiences crying. One of the most horrific was in a summer school class. Even to the day, I cannot really talk about it because it has so much pain, and shame. It was a set up by the professor and I paid a devastating price for it.
But I am going deep into the remembered pain through the anger and straight to the tears. It is past time dfor it all to be released. My fingers are crossed. (As I write this I feel the connection to shut down.) I so long for the release.
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Apparently, it is ubiquitously true of N parents that they are incapable and/or unwilling to apologize. Not that they refuse to use the words, "I'm sorry" but that the meaning behind those words is shamefully betrayed by the tone with which they are issued.
As I delved deeper and deeper into the miasma of repressed pain and the fetid ooze the has seeped from the seal, I discovered a longing, and aching, for real, heartfelt, sorrowful apologies from those who forewent their obligations to that indefensible baby they brought into this world. I began searching for examples of parents owning their stuff and expressions of remorse. I found little.
In the midst of my search I felt a stirring to write my own, to create a powerfully moving story of apology and healing. I lack so in most creative, artistic talents. ( if only I could sing or paint or write or access ANY expressive mode.) lacking that I do have an imagination and that will have to do for now.
But as I pressed forward, stirring the fetid refuse emerging from my wounds I did discover my own need to say I'm sorry to my own child. Not that I haven't offered oral apologies at times but now I will sit down and pen a lasting one. One that he can read at his leisure , absorb on his own time and return to across time, test it's validity against future actions. I owe it to us both.
The anger I feel is so great. The pain underneath is still elusive, popping up for fleeting microseconds and then fleeing again. But I know I am on the right path. I see so much understanding about me own behaviour. It is making so much sense.
I long to release the self-hatred, the denial of resources and deserving, the rejection and isolation. I long to release the pain stored up into overflowing clogging the channel of blessing , beauty, joy and creation. Let my mind, ever rational, step aside, let go of the fear of pain and let it flow outward with the rushing tide. Let the flood waters recede and take the destruction with them. It is time to rebuild. But first the detritus must be cleared away. The destruction must be removed so that the seeds can be planted anew and nurtured into a full harvest.
I love being connected here and hate letting go, closing this page. My need for belonging is like my need for air. I have been drowning for so long.
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I want to shift my longing for connection to my longing for healing, for removing the detritus, for clearing away. The broken bones must heal before the work can be done but how much healing is enough. Just enough healing so that the work does no more damage. Take my pen and paper with me. The pain resurrects itself when I start to provide for myself. They denied it to me. That pain is so huge beneath the surface, allow it to emerge and give it a name. It will only come up a bit at a time. Do not fear. Test it, try it, a bit at a time. Do not tackle it all. Just a bit. You can do a bit. Order it. Celebrate it. Record it. You can do this.
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I've been cognizant for months now (well maybe years) that I use my mind, (thinking things through, absorbing facts) and activities to avoid the constant pain. Now I have to have the strength, courage and will to throw my churches away. Surely I can rise to this task. My life actually DOES depend on it.
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I've been reading bits more, cant read it all. The writing here is amazing, straight from soul streams, rivers of truth springing to the surface.
GS, how do you feel with all this, now? I feel like where your're at feels so familiar to me, there were times for me that went on and on, like rivers of insight which wouldnt stop, I'd be walking along, stop and write, riding my bike, pull up and write, felt like I had to capture it, I knew it was valuable, immeasurably, and yet could be lost if I didnt grab it, secure it into writing.
Theres so much I could respond to, but take this one, I want to shift my longing for connection to my longing for healing
I thnk thats got to be right. When I feel/ felt that turn around, somehow since then more relationship came to me. I still long and am empty, but things seem better than they were on that regard, I had a f. it moment, when I found a stance finally, I've got to stop hankering after what I think ought to be there, and if I have to do it alone then sobeit. I cant say I know what we are required to do alone, and what has to have relationship, but I hear that shift in your words.
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What I said earlier about the wording of things is because I think the whole issue of projection / introjection is so important, and has to do with responsibility. I know there is stuff that landed up inside me that essentially belongs to somone else. I have had to still take responsibility for its healing, but for me part of that process invoved re-allocating the stuff to its origins, just knowing that. Its gone on for generations. I read old letters between mother and my grandmother, and you can see how the thing started in her. But it has become my task to heal, I dont resent that, I just thank God I understand. Nobody else in my foo does, but I think I'd be dead if I hadnt discovered the exact understanding that I did, - the family dynamic and why I was inconsolable.
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Oh my heavens, can I hug you River? The process of putting "things" into words shifts it and shapes it and gives it a form that helps me move. Sort of trike that sweet story of the donkey in the well which climbs out by stepping on the sh@t piled down on it.
How do I feel? Excited, hopeful! Small shifts which may grow and may not but there will be more and I am going to feed them. Thanks for your words. Getting this stuff down makes it solid so I can continue to climb out, it makes it real and I lived so long thinking what was false was real. As a child I needed my mother and father to affirm what was real and right (that I was good, worthy, deserving) but I got the opposite. Now I must find that and make it real for myself. And I will. I am.
That whole issue about what can do alone and what requires relationship is such a huge one for me, especially having felt so much rejection and isolation. But what you say in your second post just lights up all of my circuits. It helps me see that I am toggling back and forth between the values of both ways of phrasing it. When I own it, then I can do something to change it. It gives me power over it. But you are so right that it is critical to give it to whim it belongs. In this moment, I am dealing with deep anger, self-hatred . It sits like a manhole cover on pain that has been stuffed down for decades, roiling fever that is about to blow. That she hatred has been the structure of my prison and it is clear to me that it does not belong to me but it is from my mother and my father. I see that I had to take it because to be hated by parents would have been a form of psychic death. So now I am giving it back and you show me that my language choice can make a difference here.
Thank you.
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Worked in my house today. The stuff came out bits and pieces. This is clearly the way forward but oh so difficult and painful.. Just a bit at a time and with time it will pour out.
Never had help. When I worked on a task they looked for flaws and mistakes. Everything I did was a set up. Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
I was a servant and belonged in the kitchen rather than at the table. The tasks I struggle with are servant tasks. The work itself is not ignoble but the way it was esteemed in FOO was. It's starting to rise. I certainly see what the pain and struggle has been. Boy is this hard and it brings such self loathing and gut wrenching bellly aches of rejection, not-worthy.
Had I ever seen how fruitless my longing and tireless attempts to belong were I could have walked away and I would have survived much better.
In Cinderella, she, a legitimate daughter, is made to be the servant. Wasn't it bad enough that she had lost first her mother and then her father. They had no mercy on her. The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
Long to be good enough, liked enough, loved enough, valued enough to be worthy of help. Refuse to be illegitimate. To be a slave, to gather up crumbs underneath the table.
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Oh my heavens, can I hug you River?
hug recieved. (((( ))))
river
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Worked in my house today. The stuff came out bits and pieces. This is clearly the way forward but oh so difficult and painful.. Just a bit at a time and with time it will pour out.
Never had help. When I worked on a task they looked for flaws and mistakes. Everything I did was a set up. Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
I was a servant and belonged in the kitchen rather than at the table. The tasks I struggle with are servant tasks. The work itself is not ignoble but the way it was esteemed in FOO was. It's starting to rise. I certainly see what the pain and struggle has been. Boy is this hard and it brings such self loathing and gut wrenching bellly aches of rejection, not-worthy.
Had I ever seen how fruitless my longing and tireless attempts to belong were I could have walked away and I would have survived much better.
In Cinderella, she, a legitimate daughter, is made to be the servant. Wasn't it bad enough that she had lost first her mother and then her father. They had no mercy on her. The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
Long to be good enough, liked enough, loved enough, valued enough to be worthy of help. Refuse to be illegitimate. To be a slave, to gather up crumbs underneath the table.
I think you're working right at the quintessential heart of things, and it connects for me in a place where when I was captured in the heart of it. I so longed to be met there, to have an ally, just at that heart of darkness where I faced it. I was under siege alright, the enemy within acted like an internal saboteur, when I tried to do things, to move my life forward, really small things, to find a document, or to read a legal letter that was difficult, I'd be overwhelmed by paralysing toxic mist, but it was live, there was a life-force within that, and it was an alluring, destructive intent, that was not me but that was in me. I knew it, and I could feel it so clearly, and also I knew that what I needed was a steadfast ally, but all whom I seeked help with didnt get it, couldn’t meet me there, so, like you I never had help, not in the heart of darkness where I needed it. Altho I knew, and could see that to have just one other person present with me and on my side and who understood would be enough
. Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
heres the implicit projection, the implicit is more powerful than the expressed – spoken ~ that translates into 'do nothing' which means 'be nothing' which is a form of iether total passivity, which is a form of annihilation. And there it is, for me that central projection, at the heart of it all, as I came to see, and It got lodged inside me in this psychic place, and trying to get to it and get it out, lead me over a lifetimes journey. And I know it, because - the very message, was finally put to me in words, - my mum, after she had a stroke, when all pretense was washed away, in her 'ramblings' she came out with the heart of things, I was actually cleaning her poo at that time, and she said to me "you never would co-operate, so you'd better go and sit down and do nothing'. ( ~= the N agenda, if you're not compliant with me, you're nothing, because not narcissistic supply.)
I learnt things along the way, which I’m wanting to share here, and its that was that everything you describe here, and what I expereinced has been named, and understood and recognised, but that this more accurate understanding has not been out there as common knowledge. I wondered why after a lifetime of therapy and of recovery, of joining things which promise healing, had no-one picked this up and explained to me.
Take this for example: a legitimate daughter
this would be called the Real Self, but its feared/ punished/ trapped/ by those acting from a false self. And this...... The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
...... so, if all suffering or pain is rejected by people with these disorders, because they associate it with punishment or shame, and they cannot/ will not own any of suffering/ sadness/ sensitivity/ vulnerabilty as their own, they project it onto the designated child, and there you go, the more they suffer, the more they 'fit' the projection, and its self-compounding exponential slide, in fact into annihilation. Thas called 'splitting and projection' ( the scientific language is so dry huh? and the live description so live! [/color] Anyway, this was the internalised dynamic for me, it kept me entranced, I had an unusual hook, I could tell, there was a sort of allure it had for me, like the monster in the cupboard, something inside me was compelled to open the door and get to the monster, exacly as you said, to 'make it concrete' so that I could ( or attempt to) get this thing outside of me in an attempt to address it. Of course I was driven to this over a lifetime, but only in recent years found the understanding. Then I had the undersanding, but no people to help me heal, tho I searched desperately, but once again was thrown into isolation.
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........cont...........
And this: Boy is this hard and it brings such self loathing and gut wrenching bellly aches of rejection, not-worthy
] this has a name - its called 'the triad', its a system and a dynamic, it means that everytime you 'self activate', that is take action from your real self, it brings up that old paradigm, all those feelings of shame and accusation etc, and for me, the internal saboteur. So the temptation is to for example, act out on the feelings, to give up, or to drug, or allow them to overwhelm to feel like the reaction is stronger than us.
And, in my experience the strength of reaction was always a surprise, that was the cunning, baffling and powerful of it. But, its only that we can get lost/ submerged in the feelings, whereas in actual fact, it could be they've come up to be healed, as we walk forward, they let us know the size and shape of what it is we are healing from and that needs attention.
Its good for me too, talking to you, to be able to deal and address this stuff at this level, the place where its hard to find other donkeys willing to go! : )
Theres more, but this is already so long a post.
river
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I found the shut off valve for my tears. My father would punish me for crying. Even as a child, well especially as a child. I vividly remember being spanked at age 5 or 6 and my father telling me that if I didn't stop crying he would spank me harder. I felt insane. I see now that this was a form of torture. And of course my mother never rescued me, she never comforted me when I was hurt, crying. I learned to only cry alone. Even as a young adult I had some excruciatingly painful experiences crying. One of the most horrific was in a summer school class. Even to the day, I cannot really talk about it because it has so much pain, and shame. It was a set up by the professor and I paid a devastating price for it.
But I am going deep into the remembered pain through the anger and straight to the tears. It is past time dfor it all to be released. My fingers are crossed. (As I write this I feel the connection to shut down.) I so long for the release.
Aw, GS, I cried reading that. I'm the same, we were so shamed for any kind of emotion when we were kids that I just switched everything off. I think in all the years of therapy I only cried once in front of a T, but for years I cried every day at home on my own.
I have found over time that I can feel more and more, but I still find that old defence mode leaps into play when things are really tough. It's been hard to teach myself that crying is alright, I still find it very difficult to cry in front of someone, or accept comfort from them - even though every bit of me craves it. It's odd how these things can make us pull in opposite directions at the same time. Keep writing it all down, I think that helps, whether the tears come or not I think writing helps to release a bit of it xx
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My whole life I have run from the hatred and rejection from my parents and FOO unconsciously looking for someone, somewhere to take me in. Everything has bee about that, u navel to break through. Bringing it all to consciousness is creating shifts at long , long last.
I awoke with a shift but it is tender and I fear that waking will dispel it. I hope to nurture it and grow it. Love to all.
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Hi G.S.
First of all, welcome back! It always gives me great pleasure to see the “old timers” return for whatever reason. You have written such a courageous, painful thread for all to experience and connect with.
If you came to my office and described your history, this is what I would tell you—for this is what I have done with others in your situation. There is something crucial missing in your life, and that is an attachment to a loving, caring, empathic person. Without that attachment and the brain wiring that goes with it, all of your shame, pain, humiliation, “unlovability”, etc. will be lived over and over and over again in your life because it is the only wiring that exists. Many would disagree with me about this, but I think producing new attachment “wiring” is more important than forcing yourself, via whatever means, to come to terms/accept/desensitize oneself to the horrible pain that you have experienced. The reason is, speaking metaphorically, if the train travels along the healthy attachment tracks for long enough, the other set will become less and less “relevant” over time, and pain-wise, will begin to rust away. In my practice, I have seen this happen often. I don’t ask people to purposely relive any of their past trauma, instead I develop a relationship with her/him different than anything they’ve experienced before. That means, of course, that my attachment to them (even when they’ve stopped seeing me) is life-long, and they become an important part of my life—just as I am in theirs. This doesn’t mean that I prohibit them from speaking about their torturous past—it just means that they know they are doing it with another person who cares deeply about them (as some of the people here care about you). It also means the two of us find things to laugh about together, as well as cry about together—because life often provides plenty of opportunity for both. Importantly, the people I work with know that the “therapy attachment” is two-ways.
What is critical, given that my means of healing is not technique based but human-to-human based, is that you need to find a therapist who is a wonderful human being (like sea storm!). And someone who is willing and able to “open” their humanness to you. Sometimes this can be very difficult to find (I never found one)—although perhaps it is easier now than in the horrifying Freudian years of my distant past.
I hope this does not come across as discouraging to you—and certainly there are other methods of “healing”, but I wanted to share what has worked in my experience.
Again, welcome back and thanks so much for opening your life again to us.
Richard
To quote the eloquent and ever-compassionate Hops: BINGO! And THANK YOU, Dr. G.
As I work my way through GS's thread - I got to this and the light bulb went on.
Dear GS: you ready to hit the swings yet? :lol: We did seem to work together pretty well, partnered up. I need to finish what you've written so far. Make sure I hear you -- and not my own echos -- in other words.
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oMG - I'm so excited to see YOU!!,
(When did you change your name!)
I'm totally ready!!!
I love reading about how your children are doing. I would like to spend 12 hours in the pool. When can I come over? Ha, ha, ha.
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Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.
IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)
Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad. But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades.
So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.
If I erred, the abuse was worse. If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.
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I don't know about my parents finances when they were living. They were both secretive. But when they died they both had millions. But when my husband died and my income was lost and what I had went to cover his debts, neither of my parents offered to help me financially. Not in a significant way. My mother would dole out a couple of $100 every now and then for a while. I needed real help and I was suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety. I had one disaster after another including over $30,000 damage done by water and mild. Walls and ceilings had to be ripped out but I had no money to put them back in. For years I went without heat. Other years without AC. Months on end without water. Had my aunt not died and my cousin not agreed I would have been without a car.
But even as a teenager and young adult my parents just turned a blind eye to my needs. When I was in my 20s and divorced struggling, my parents just turned a blind eye. When I was working a good job and my father wanted me to accompany my mother out of the country (so he could start divorce proceedings) he was relentless in his demands that I go with her even though that would mean I would lose my job. At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.
On a subconscious level I believed they would have helped if I deserved it.
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Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.
IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)
Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad. But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades.
So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.
If I erred, the abuse was worse. If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.
Oh GS, this really resonated with me, our home was just like that - no instruction, no guidance, no support, but endless criticism and ridicule for getting it wrong.
I used an idea I got in a book (you might be doing this already), which was to parent myself - so when I did something to talk myself through it the way a good parent would "oh you did that so well, look how nicely you scrambled those eggs, and you've tidied away your plate as well, well done" - that sort of thing. It did/does help, although I must say the grief at realising I'd never heard that before was huge - and I did find it very tiring as you're sort of working in 3D. You're doing what you're doing, plus hearing the old voices, plus saying the new stuff to yourself over and over. But it did help chip away at it all, bit by bit. Hang in there xx
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Twoapenny's, that's lovely. I do believe that it is so tiring because it is a battle and that the battle is own by repetition. I love your suggestion. It resonates with other things I have learned..
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I continue to plod forth . Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known.
Today I was able to begin cutting through the mess. I see now the pain that has been the barrier. The hatred I internalized engendered such physical discomfort that I could not move forward. With developed conscious focus on the healing I can move forward now. It will take time to figure out the best way to proceed and how to navigate the barriers to come.
Lifelong I have given in to my training to dial into the shaming they meted out. I have struggled for years to find a sustainable way to oppose that or move around it or shift from it and until now I have not been able to break through. But this morning I poured water on the clump of FOO ting to draw me back into their hatred and they meltdown away much like Cora.
If I have stepped through the window then I can sustain where I am through conscious effort, not like learning to walk again. What should come without thinking takes thinking through each and every step.
As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them. Very hopeful.
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Hi GS,
It's good to see you & it sounds like you're doing wonderfully:
Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known......
As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them. Very hopeful.
I think it's healing to recall these very painful memories, face them and acknowledge what was done to you was wrong. When I have done that, the toxic poison, which was caused by others but was lingering within myself, melted away, just like you said.
At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.
This must have been a really painful realization but I think it's very healing to state your truth because the truth kills the toxins and sets us free.
I agree with Twoapenny about re-parenting ourselves. Since we didn't have good parenting as children, we need to re-parent ourselves. I think re-parenting really helps with healing.
Have you read M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie"? He discusses a few cases about toxic parents:
"To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it. For to “come to terms” means to “arrive at the name (evil).” As therapists, it is our duty to do what is in our power to assist evil’s victims to arrive at the true name of their affliction.”
http://books.google.com/books?id=hrdMD_ZoL8UC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=searing+vision+are+those+who+are+able+to+name+it.&source=bl&ots=ZndwOI1vMd&sig=3eP-_B9KjJgyIa1NbTrQm46AXBc&hl=en&sa=X&ei=rN7FU7nlDszjsAS_goCYCg&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=searing%20vision%20are%20those%20who%20are%20able%20to%20name%20it.&f=false
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Hiya - I changed my name when D#1's life imploded and required both D#2 and I to intervene. There's a bit of the story left in the member's section; I got so paranoid, that D#1 might come here and read all my anger & pain, that I deleted a whole thread worth of posts. It brought up the sum total of all my past crap and trying to keep those separate, while navigating through something really delicate and complex stuff for/about her, required that I hollar for help. That was last year; she hasn't really "changed" so much -- as begun the long process of finally growing and working through her own pile o' crap.
The pool taunts me. It promises cool boyuent(SP?) freedom of movement - or simply floating. It's sparkly and associated with fun. I "save" it for company and don't feel comfortable - or "allowed" - to simply enjoy it all by myself. Same old, same old issues for me, too.
You said:
(When I go through these healing periods I find myself unable to stop talking, talking, talking. I think it is the undieing need to connect, to be heard, to be affirmed. It would come from that deep, deep, wound of primordial rejection.)
If I may - I think you could've just stopped with the bolded part. Sometimes, what I pay attention to, is the sum total of my "experience". There's no "switch" in my head that forces me to feel one thing or another -- yes, echoes come up sometimes through unconscious or subconscious association; those get acknowledged with a nod -- and I move on. Because I choose what I will pay attention to - even with my own internal experience. For me, there just aren't any real answers to "why? questions". I'm not special, born with a guarantee that my life will be smooth sailing, everyone will love me (or understand me... LOL), and I suspect (again, for me only) that 50% of what I "feel" as rejection is my own "giving up" and stopping trying.
What Dr. G posted a few pages back, hit me like the 2x4 that I absolutely needed; to shake my head loose from blaming myself, for not allowing myself to connect with other people, for being obsessed (this is me, now, I'm talking about) with the solving the mystery of why/how I never really learned to be "fluent" in attached relationships. Why my instinctive reaction when I get too close to someone is to flee, withdraw, feeling suffocated and threatened, to DISTRUST proffers of friendship and love. Making my whole existence about finding answers to the "why" and "how"... means there's no space/time -- I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the adventure and risk and thrill of connecting to someone in the NOW.
And of course: I'ma gonna kick myself and call myself an idjit for falling into this rut of a lifelong trap. With a loving, knowing smirk on my smart-a face, I might add. That's my progress to date. And ya know it's hilarious - that as much as ole Twiggy was such a rebellious fighter (in her own mind) - to watch her negotiate with the pool... about how many of hours of work, how many days in a row, what has to be "done" FIRST (ad infinitum - there's always something else)... before she'll go change and jump in.
It is the exact same with relationships. It's because there are flaws in how I learned from my primary relationship with my mom & dad - that if I trusted them to take care of me, be nice to me, see me, and appreciate me -- without FAIL, I was gonna be disappointed. It was always a crap shoot -- and mostly I got the negative responses that I wasn't ________ enough; or it wasn't the way my MOM would've done it. (As if that criteria matters...) For me, understanding the trust relationship behind Attachment theory opens a lot of doors.
And it doesn't require me to relive every single time I felt slighted. Instead: it turns my focus to learning a new skill. I'm a fast learner, always have been (even when I miss the obvious stuff dancing right in front of me, trying to get my attention). BUT: I have to pay attention to the cues that come from others more than my own fears and trepidation... I have to ALLOW myself to "go there"... try it, and when "nothing bad" happens -- realize that it takes 5000 repetitions to finally have the body memory and automatic response "learned".
OH - before I forget - I've discovered about myself, that there are some things I do (like spending too much time reading & pontificating online) that involve repetitive motions... that seem to satisfy some requirement to be "doing something about something"... without ever accomplishing a damn thing. I think my journals were like that. I filled 16 books and still have one that's half full. The other 16 were delivered to Mr. Dumpster and they'll be buried in some damp, sandy landfill that someday will be covered by ocean - again. Davy Jones's Locker seemed damned appropriate.
ENOUGH about me!!!!!!! I've been following your posts on FB. And I've been gobsmacked by how much progress you really have made over the years. You have a lot of friends -- or at least acquaintances who are interested and caring for you, to some degree or another. You and your son have had some really interesting adventures together! (I'm still a hermit.) It's true, those relationships can't EVER replace the unconditional parental attachment one should have had... but in some small way, it adds to the pile of new, learned trust and reciprocal caring to help balance things out.
Think of it as one cubic inch of trust, at a time. :D
Compared to my self-isolation your life is exciting and fun and full of people you can count on. I wanna try your life on for size!!! Just for a little bit. ;)
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Anne3 and Skeptikal I want to acknowledge your posts. Anne - it is time for me to retread people of the lie. That segment you linked is very powerful for me. It gives me such a sense of relief. Skeptikal - your writing calls me to read and re-read, and then digest. I have to say I'm glad to connect with you both.
I continue to make progress. This morning I find that the self criticism is lifting slowly but surely. And in truth not so terribly slowly that I can't see a difference each and every day. I am learning so much and seeing so much. It is a big help and I see how this is leading to a relief from the "mess." It is becoming easier for me to be patient.
The paradigm of energy continues to work for me. And I am practising retuning my radio which was programmed early on to tune into my parents dumping. All of those issues I identified so early on still ring true. Peck wrote that name evil is important and so I have found with the individual issues.
It is so important for me to continue to work on this "feeling" of a higher vibration. For me itis connecting to this vague concept of "love." I have for so long been connected to shame.
This morning as I was doing my own form of meditation, I had an insight into part of what is going on. The very real paralysis that has crippled me for so long has a component of fear. Fear of the very paralysis and that makes it difficult for me to get going. But once I get going it continues to be so, so painful. And it took me YEARS for the thoughts to emerge. For decades it was a feeling that had no thoughts available to me. This whole darkness was so very deep. Now that the thoughts are beginning to emerge, I can work with them using Schwartz' 4 Steps and other means. But most important to me today is building on this lifting myself out of shame and self hatred. I have several tools to help with that and one is the image of loving people. It has taken me a very long time to be able to do this. It has taken years to be able to connect to an image of a loving spirit because early on love and condemnation were fused for me. It is very difficult for me to conger up the image of love and difficult to hold on to it but that will improve as I do it more and more. Right now. Can do it when I am alone and nothing needs me attention. Ultimately I will be able to do it when I am facing the stuff that brings up self loathing. That is when the hold will be broken.
I'm definitely getting there.
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I know I am getting better. But i have to look for signs and keep reminding myself. I've had a lifetime of looking for signs that I am failing and it is a mindset that I can do something about. But I am less certain if I am on the right path or nt. And that makes it very tricky for me as I post here. While I know better than share my strategies with anyone other Han here, even here I feel very vulnerable. It feels so risky.
I was reading on the cyquest web page recently and ran across a statement that spoke,of shifting effectiveness, that in trying to evoke repressed emotions what works on day may not work on another. That really rings true to me as I try to connect to a sense of well being. I can do it first thing in the morning but have a very hard time during the day, especially if I am facing one of my difficult tasks.
What helped Monday, isn't helping today. But I did find that reaching into my mind's eye and comforting that broken child who is feeling discouraged at not being able to do what she needs to do is helpful. It is keeping me out of the self condemnation and hat is certainly a step up. One step at a time.
Unable to move forward I am nonetheless finding that I have made one very nice advancement. The shame and fear are cracking and breaking up with large chunks falling off. Underneath is the broken, wounded child who is still avoiding the miserable pain of condemnation. But I can pick her up and take care of her. And just wait to see what comes of this. Taking the pressure of, the pushing and expectation releases some of the stress and with it a whole level of self-hatred, "not enough", "not good enough."
Now what I hear is, "It's okay. No wonder you feel that way. Rest, get stronger. You'll be better soon nough. Give it time."
I see the value of believing I am n the healing path. By believing, I look for signs. When I have flashes of shame, I name it, acknowledge where it came from and see some of the painful things I did out of it, chalk it up to the extreme pain of my childhood and think of myself as a trauma patient who is healing but not yet ready to hit the gym. "Be patient, but don't take my eye off of the prize." It is a gentle balance.
I had to get through some level of the shame before I could even do this reparenting. In the past when I tried to tell myself it was alright and to comfort myself it actually generated a sense of shame. But I realize that I have some sense of this self comforting to be bogus and maybe it is because in the past it actually triggered shame. Only time will tell if it is effective.
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I love hearing that you are turning your own love within and in kindness, comforting your hurt inner child.
That it where it happens.
So very happy to hear about this; it makes your healing real.
And so many other self-accepting comments that are creeping into your narrative.
love
Hops
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Oh hops, thanks for the encouragement. It really helps.
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This journey is such an odd one. I have worked hard for so long. Some of it seemingly to no avail. Some aspects seem to heal with a sudden burst while others seem to take a very gradual slide. But in the midst of it all it feels so long and slow and at times hopeless.
I was unaware until recent years that I had harboured deep resentment lifelong. After I became aware of it I was still powerless to disentangle myself from it. Then suddenly, when I work on shame, the full load of resentment evaporates and left In It's place is sorrow, a great spence of sorrow for all that was lost in those years of resentment.
The next layer emerging is rejection and boy is this one difficult and painful. I wake up with such a heavy heart each day. Worse still is the full weight of the years of rejection is pounding down on me. It is such a heavy weight. And I feel a slight sweep of depression come over me. Steady vigilance, mindful of the origins of this rejection, and keeping my eye on the greater spiritual truth of acceptance.
Each level is painful and difficult in its own way but there is some perceptible lightness to each level as well.
I remember when I started this journey years ago, I was afraid that the pain would be too great for ,me to bear. I no longer have that fear. I do resist the full impact of the repressed feelings but even that I'm sure I can take now.
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I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection. It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.
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I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection. It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.
Another possibility: maybe you hated what you (then) believed you had to pretzel-twist yourself into -- to receive the help/acknowledgement/connection you craved from your parents.
You know, the concept of "false self" -- and I could see where one might even bundle together all the ways one tried to survive being isolated within the physical company of others; the coping mechanisms... and detest that one was reduced to those depths... to survive.
Not saying you DID this, either. Just brainstorming an idea.
Maybe it was just my stumbling blocks: but it seemed that the more I focused inward, the more determined I was to "get answers", and the greater my desire to "break on through to the other side"... the slipperier it got; the more things got away from me.
When I'd focus outward, on other things and people... and "do" things... is when the puzzle pieces started to fall into place and be intelligible.
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What misery that must be.
I am so sorry, GS.
I can't imagine that mantra dominating my consciousness. If it's something like gestalt, releasing rather than feeding your anger, then it must be good.
But I feel very sad at what you are feeling.
Oh little child, inside. I hope you reach "I love you" soon.
love,
Hops
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Skeptikal - I love your musings. I honestly don't know what it is. But I find your thoughts interesting.
I get your pint on looking inward. It can be counterproductive at times. But I am confidant that I need to look inward at this time. Part of the problem for me is that I am totally stuck and unable to move forward. It just isn't happening. In truth, I'm writing down what I am looking at to make sence is it. And some things that sense has been made of has been freeing. It is a subtle balance.
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Thanks Hops. One of the things I discovered in his recent process is that disconnect or dissonance when i tried to say or write "I love you." It opened up a cavernous insight to one of the huge blocks to healing and then all these memories and insights followed.
More will come no doubt.
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Synchronistically, when I was with a friend yesterday, I picked up a book she was reading and it was all about positive mind sets.
I'm being patient and determined. Wishing things were popping open more quickly but glad it is summer and that I am able to have the time. I have no doubt there will be a breakthrough, a major one, one that will at long last allow me to participate in life.
I do have. Lifetime of repressed condemnation that became internalized and habituated. Now I am consciously adapting a different message. As I go along the ways this new message clashes with that repressed condemnation shows up. It gives me an opportunity to work against it.
Yesterday my child and I struck out to get the dogs bathed. Our old place was closed. The traffic was bad. Two friends were trying to coordinate blueberry picking. I found myself driving from pillar to post , missing phone calls getting behind schedule etc., etc. and in the midst of it all, the old stuff popped up, giving me opportunities to see what is at work underneath it all. I saw self-condemnation at work and saw how for most of my life it lead me to be reactive and constantly irritable.
Then I got this powerful perspective on my father who (being OCDPD) was relentless I criticism and hostility, bearing down on every action and inaction, creating so much angst and anxiety and anger. Voila -there it was on a platter. I could see it.
So I am getting these powerful insights and then, without warning, I am back at what feels like step one. It isn't step one but it is. It isn't because I have made profess but it is because the feelings are the same but I have more work to do. And this is where I must be very, patient and have faith that I am making progress..this is also where I find it imperative to dial into a higher energy.
Believing in the process is critical for me because the feelings tell me that I am making no progress. The day I am longing for is the one that I am free from this dark cloud dread that I have seldom been without.
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Okay...I'm on a roll (and a beer).
Here is your father. We are going to take him to the dog wash.
We do not care how much he is whining and snarling and barking...we (you, GS, in the present, since he's just an old ghost) HAVE THE LEASH.
That's right, Dad. UP. No, you do not have a choice. Hush. UP.
Right here, into the big sink.
Sorry you don't like suds. Here they come.
Rub rub brush brush. SIT!
Too bad. Water gets in the eyes, that's life.
Tough nuts. You had fleas and I'm washing them out.
No, not for you. I just don't want your fleas.
You gonna keep barking? NO BISCUIT!
Think about that. Just think.
Hush. I'm rinsing you.
I don't care if you think water torture is cruel.
You're DIRTY.
Very
very
very
DIRTY.
Tough.
You're a DOG.
And I'm holding your leash.
Get over it.
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You are definitely on a roll hops!
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Shame is like a cancerous lesion. It is attached to everything . Sometimes I think I have made progress and other times it seems that the shame is reproducing at a greater rate than I am conquering it.
But I am more encouraged by believing that there is just a lot of it and that my daily battles will one day give way to a critical mass and then the work will be easy peasy.
I have so much work to do. But there is no reason to not do it. And I will triumph.
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There are levels of the. I am moving through levels of this. I have just heard my voice say that the shame is paralyzingly. This doesn't sound like an epiphany and yet it is because it came not out of reasoning but out of something deeper and that ISS where the changes comes from.
More later. It is coming up.
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You know, GS, my mothers favourite expression, it appears, was "Shame! Shame! Shame on you!" and I never knew what for! I think it was for everything that I hadn't done perfectly, therefore leaving Shame attached to everything!
Keep on Keeping on.
Iz
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Izzy, how awful. I often heard "shame on you." As well but I made sure I never said that to my child. I never wanted him to feel shame - guilt when he had done wrong but never shame.
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I had a day of learning yesterday. So much popped up before me opening my eyes to what has been controlling my life for so long. Yet I am reluctant to get going again this morning. I will chalk it up to habit - the long habit of fear of stepping into the shame. I chose to believe good things will come today. It is a totally different way of facing life. Up to now, I have been avoiding the nightmare of living. Hoping (vain hope) for the best but fearing the worst. Not today.
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I believe you will create good things today, GS!
You've been loving your inner child and that allows the outer adult to tap into being alive.
If you feel engaged and active 5 minutes more than yesterday, it's a better day.
love
Hops
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Twenty levels down into the earth goes the bunker of shame and rejection. It is deep and it is protected. I have spent so much time seeking out healing but the effects were like a bandaid on a puncture wound.
The remedies was weak and the shame and self-loathing were so strong a barrier. Nothing penetrated into the depths before.
When a child aches and suffers those around often brush it off or try to smooth it over without acknowledging the depths of the pain. That wound festers into the core. As adults we expect one another to "get over it." The pain we see in one another reflects our own pain back to us and we cannot bear it so we brush it aside. The greater the pain the less tolerable it is. Another's pain is at times so intolerable for us that we cut the sufferer off and throw them to the wolves.
I had a vision last night that showed me how this pattern has repeated itself over and over in my life. I see how people who claim to be healers are themselves often looking for simple, easy victories because they need to rejoice rather than be seared by the pain.
I saw the jealousy and resentment that burned at the core of my parents rejection and how others in my life felt the taint of those wounds and unconsciously steered clear, piling on the rejection. When the resentment set into my being the cycle was complete for alienation.
I saw that "I hate you." Was pointed to me for a state of being that would engender even more resentment and rejection and shaming from those two who brought me into this world..
This revelatory process is slow and painful. It goes very deep and is layered. Will it work? Will it release me? Will it be complete? I don't really know but I choose to believe , "Yes."
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Hops thanks again for your encouragement. I am finding a bit more of something each day - a little less shame and a bit more comfort. I'm thinking hat this may continue until the balance has shifted and then I will have the strength to tackle the mess without facing the Fallon assault of shame that has been so deeply internalized.
That makes sense to me. Time will tell.
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The everyday being of me is deeply shamed. I am healing that sad fact. I am aware of a good bit that has been lifted. I no longer see it as emanating from a flawed being but as a result of cruel training. So even though the feeling is still crippling for the first time in my life I am assigning that shame and loathsome ness not to myself but to an outside force. This definitely helps. It cuts out that entire process of shame being shaming. That must be huge. But it is not yet enough to lift the crippling aspect of the shame clean away.
This will come - perhaps in a clean jerk or perhaps in fits and states. I'll tell you this - it is a great relief to actually feel compassion for myself rather than shame and hatred., to get able to look back and see and understand why I was so angry and resentful, to no longer be plagued by wondering, " What is wrong with me?"
All of this has to lead to something even greater.
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Because the shame is so deep and so extensive even when progress is made it feels like digging a hole in the beach. As each handful comes out the surrounding grains slide in to fill the space. So I clear some shame and I pick up my foot to step in and the shame has filled the space again. That is how it feels but when it examine things again I see that progress has been made. I simply must continue forward knowing progress has been made.
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Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.
Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck. What keeps snapping it all back? There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.
The control is certain. Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing out west as a family. My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea. My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.
I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it." I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge. He refused to discuss it with me. Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.
How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing. I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site. They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs. It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.
I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there. I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes. That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .
My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level. I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.
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Sheesh.
What empty chests your parents had.
I'm really sorry, GS...
What might you have done with just a little encouragement!
It's admirable that you're fighting this good fight for yourself now,
so that the rest of your life won't be like the first half.
love
Hops
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Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.
Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck. What keeps snapping it all back? There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.
The control is certain. Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing out west as a family. My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea. My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.
I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it." I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge. He refused to discuss it with me. Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.
How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing. I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site. They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs. It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.
I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there. I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes. That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .
My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level. I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.
I have found for years now that, even though my brain understands the intellectual side of things and I can see what was wrong and how to put it right, something at a much deeper level keeps doing what it always did. I often said to my therapist that I knew what to do in my head but I didn't feel it in my heart. I suspect it's a bit like those stories about amputees who can still feel their missing limbs; it's just so much a part of you.
I have no magic wand or miracle answer, I'm afraid. All I can say is that I've kept at it, made more mistakes, had my heart broken again, taken one step forward and three back - but slowly, slowly, slowly things are lifting and moving and shifting in the right direction. I have got better at trusting in the process and accepting there are times when it just bloody hurts and there's nothing to do but sit with it, but those times are very tough and I still find them very difficult. Keep at it though, G, I do think it's all worth it xx
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Woke up this morning with a renews strength ready for battle. It is a battle to shine a light on the dark places where the internalized hatred which really comes from them, has taken root. Actually I am battling my fear of that hated. But I am quite sure on this morning that I can overcome it. I am feeling strength today.
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Hops, thanks for the continued support and encouragement. Each day has a strength now. Some feel as though I am starting over but I don't believe that is true.
Twoapenny's, I love the way you put it. I am sure we a re moving forward and leaving the old behind. I feel very strong this morning but do not want to ,move forward lest I encounter a trigger, even a tiny one but I'm going to shift that from a fear of a trigger into a dare for a trigger and hold onto confidence that I can overcome at least once today.
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Today my first hurdle is the fear f the kick in the stomach feeling. I'm sure I can overcome that fear.
I JUST figured out that I don't get that feeling when I am with other people, friendly people that is. But I get it when I am all alone. It I sit doing nothing I don't get it. If I start to handle a task I do. And it is horrific.
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I really understand that, GS--
I actually had a "barter" with a SW friend of mine who felt disabled by personal paperwork
(and all it triggers). So we swapped time.
She'd just come over with a book and hang out in my LR while I wrestled through things
in the study. It made a huge difference. I think having a mate or life partner would be a
similar thing...just another human, breathing away, reminds one to not float off into an
old universe of scary fear (that we actually experienced as children).
Since she can't do that all the time, and since my own goal is to do better at progressing
with the scary paperwork tasks of adulthood on my own, I've worked at it with:
--My T (he tells me, weekly, in simple comments--how to reduce the AWFULNESS of
looking at pieces of paper, or making simple lists. He reminds me to just go sit in there
whether I do anything forward-moving or not. He's helping me learn to take small steps
to desensitize myself from all the frightened associations I've built up with doing these
ordinary adult-life tasks). He's also pointed out to me that one actor in this drama is
not just my hurt inner child, but my "defiant child." And that's true. If there's nobody
MAKING me--after all, I'm alone in my house--I can refuse to engage my adult self,
retreat online, or into TV or books. And lord, I do.
--Newly, with hypnosis. I'm listening to a Procrastination session I found free online.
It's helping. Doesn't work well as I go to sleep so I'm going to move it to a few
mornings a week when I'm off. Here's the link if you'd like to give it a try.
From my past experience, I can say that this guy is reliable, doing it right, and
following correct practices for the script and the suggestions.
http://www.thrivehypnotherapy.com/free-hypnosis-to-stop-procrastination (http://www.thrivehypnotherapy.com/free-hypnosis-to-stop-procrastination)
Hope some of that is useful,
Hops
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Thank you Hops for that helpful link - I will be listening to it in a few more minutes. I have to repeat mantras in my head just to stay clear of the negativity that I get from the NMom. So want to be done with her!
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Hops, I wondered today if having another person around helps because my parents would never do the humiliating belittling in front of witnesses. I wish I knew.
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Bit by bit I am growing stronger. I am stronger today than I was last week and much stronger than when I reemergence here a couple of months ago. As I grow stronger I find that deep hurts and losses bubble up for me to deal with.
I was in a small prayer group that met esiposically, something with more feequency than others. I was in this group for over 10 years. Last year after my mothers death and the full on attack by my brothers for months I found it difficult to respond to emails. This group communicates about gathering via emails. Rather than reach out to me by an individual email or a phone call somewhere along the way I was imply dropped. I cannot tell you how much this hurts. It is this loss and utter rejection that has bubble up this morning. I am certain that if I contacted them hey would let me back in but the problem is that if I addressed what happened they would be defensive and I cannot rejoin without raising the issue of being dropped nor can I accept a justification for dropping me without even contacting me. So I will sadly and painfully just move on. I can't say it doesn't hurt.
I am dealing with lots of loss and rejection these days, years of it are flooding my memory. But I am growing stronger and stronger. For the life of me I can't yet get a vision of what "belonging" will be. It certainly won't be what it was before the doors started closing in 1988 but it will be totally different. There are several things that I can envision and I am looking forward to those. I am ready to move forward..
I do wish I could start with a clean slate, with my house and yard in order rather than having to dig out but I will move forward regardless. That digging out is the most difficult. But I will do it.
This morningi head out to get my laundry done. My washer is broken for now. I plan on getting my AC fixed. I have some money available to me to do a few things but I have to apply for it and justify my self to a banking committee for every expense. It is stunningly patronizing, especially after a life of N parents. Plus even if the control of he committee were not in place there is not a boundless amount and I need to make it last for a long time which brings up the whole issue of work.
Ihave a fantastic concept which has low startup costs . When I can count on myself as functioning I can delve in wholeheartedly.
I am definitely on my way. Today I am also tackling several financial issues. I am able to because the levels of shame are dropping to a manageable level for the first time in my life. Could this be permanent? Stronger bit by bit.
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For my entire life getting up in the morning has been difficult. For years I tried to determine why but decades ago I finally realized that for. My first 18 years the appointment of breakfast was so stomach turning that facing the day started immediately with a stomach ache. I can see how I might be moving through that soon enough. What a blessing it will be.
So much understanding is flooding in. I am beginning to see a bit of daylight of relief of action. I have glimpses of how the resolution of the shame will release the shackles that keep me from it all.
Lifelong I could start anything but the stomach grip would attack almost immediately after the first action and I would know that I was in legions there on out, tripling the shame. Even if not free yet the multiplier effect has been released because I know why I am stymied.
Doing something for myself was the greatest generator of crippling shame - reading, needlework, gardening, dressing nicely. That too had been a mystery to me, it still is to an extent though at last I have the intellectual information that my parents had to destroy me for their narcissistic feed. That is something that I have not read about. I have mostly read that n parents fed off of their children's success but with mine it was my failure and suffering. Why isn't that anywhere in the literature. Now that I know that it is very, very freeing. It gives me such a sense of hope. It relieves me of being such a huge failure.
Very thankful for this board Dr. Grossman. Through it I am able to work through this stuff and feel connected. Both of those pieces are very essential (redundant) to my healing - to have a place to express myself (have voice) and to have connection. The greatest damage done by my parents was to become disconnected from humanity. That was the greatest. But also to be broken off from my ability to excute my will. That has left me horribly crippled in every way. But I am resurrecting today.
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Very thankful for this board Dr. Grossman. Through it I am able to work through this stuff and feel connected. Both of those pieces are very essential (redundant) to my healing - to have a place to express myself (have voice) and to have connection. The greatest damage done by my parents was to become disconnected from humanity. That was the greatest. But also to be broken off from my ability to excute my will. That has left me horribly crippled in every way. But I am resurrecting today.
I'm so glad you're here, GS!
Richard
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For years when my stomach roiled I tensed up mightily to repress it - all unconsciously. I was very serious and very tense. My father had trained the joy and exuberance out if me and my mother trained other displays of emotion out as well. ( I was profoundly aware of this remotely when I has taken my child with friends to an amusement park. . Aware that squeals of joy or screams of any sort were totally verboten. It separates me from others. When younger I had such resentment of people who freely s'mores and was utterly puzzles by the attention for such displays. Mow I understand it all.
Almost 20 years ago I went to a therapist to get help with my complete inability to deal with things financial including the basic paying of bills on time. Today as I entered the laundromat, thinking about how much it would coast, I understood on an initial level that all of that financial angst came from the same cesspool. Could there even be hope for that.
All of this stuff is emerging, steadily, gently, at a pace that I can process it. The stomach turning is decreasing and at long last the tools I have tried for so many, many years are at long last chipping away. It has been a forever journey.
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For YEARS every single phone call and every piece of mail has sent me into huge anxiety. I see that is easing. I was doing very well today and then suddenly my stomach began to ache. I have no idea why. Knowing helps me move through it. I feel I could throw up.
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Yes, there's hope for all of it!
Re. the prayer group. Do you have the option of forgiving them for dropping you from their email list? It may not have been a big personal rejection. Perhaps they didn't know how, for you, it would be experienced as a huge, cripping rejection.
What might happen if you just reached out to one of them and said, 'I couldn't come for a while and realize I got dropped off the list. Can you add me again?"
If you kept it that simple, couldn't you return and enjoy the group again?
Just a thought.
xo
Hops
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my parents had to destroy me for their narcissistic feed. That is something that I have not read about. I have mostly read that n parents fed off of their children's success but with mine it was my failure and suffering...My father had trained the joy and exuberance out if me
There's a movie that depicts this. It's called "The Heiress"(1949). The father tries to destroy the daughter for his narcissistic feed. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0041452/?ref_=nv_sr_1
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my parents had to destroy me for their narcissistic feed. That is something that I have not read about. I have mostly read that n parents fed off of their children's success but with mine it was my failure and suffering...My father had trained the joy and exuberance out if me
There's a movie that depicts this. It's called "The Heiress"(1949). The father tries to destroy the daughter for his narcissistic feed. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0041452/?ref_=nv_sr_1
NWomb-Donor also got a sadistic thrill trying to destroy others around her.
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Thank you very much Dr. Grossman.
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Thanks for your suggestion Hops. It's not really a problem looking for a solution. I'm sharing that experience because it is just one example of an excruciatingly painful rejection.
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Ann and bones thank you for sharing that. I think that drive to destroy an offspring will always baffle me. It certainly is not something that others in my life understand or even believe.
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All of my life I have had this "bad" feeling, like something bad was about to happen. I used to call it my" other shoe about to drop feeling." In recent days it has lifted but today it is back full force. That's all right, I know with proper mental exercises I can overcome it but I look forward to the day when it doesn't come around me at all.
It takes 30 to 45 days to retrain a brain according to several Neuro scientists. I hope they are correct.
I would really love to have a retreat Center to help people retain their brains. One with lots of nurturing and comfort. I could use that today.
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Yes, there's hope for all of it!
Re. the prayer group. Do you have the option of forgiving them for dropping you from their email list? It may not have been a big personal rejection. Perhaps they didn't know how, for you, it would be experienced as a huge, cripping rejection.
What might happen if you just reached out to one of them and said, 'I couldn't come for a while and realize I got dropped off the list. Can you add me again?"
If you kept it that simple, couldn't you return and enjoy the group again?
Just a thought.
xo
Hops
I think the Al-Anon suggestion might apply here ... just listen ... don't fix.
Bones
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Here is a weird battle I am fighting. In the past when I wanted to break through this stuff and get something done I would muster up all the stength I had an bully my way through. Eventually itwouldn't even do that. Today I have something very important to get done. Some paper work due. It is such a struggle and this project has depended on others who are not cooperating. This totally shuts me down, it totally hardens back to childhood. And talking by phone sends me into shut down. I have to get back into my mindset but boy do I want to avoid. I hope to report back a victory.
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I like that bones. Being heard is of course important to those of us who were rendered voiceless.
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Hating shutdown. Totally understand why thanks to last post. I don't have control, anyone else can shut it down. That's what always happened . Must get though the blockage that is mine.
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Wow, I have to say this is miserable. The only good thing is that for the first time in my life I now know what went wrong. I have been asking that question for decades and now I understand how it all worked this way.
I do believe I have the tools to change it. Only time will tell. I know why my life has been so miserable. There is always time for things to change. In the midst of the pain it is had to deal with but I plan to get through it. I cannot help but feel the visceral longing for a mother to help me but that also helps me to be kind and nurturing to my child. Occasionally he tells me that I am being critical and I find that I am able to correct myself. That is such a gift. I don't want to spend ONE more summer caught in irons like this one, not one more fall, one more winter, one more spring. I want to be free and I see how very close it all is. The cork is wiggling, I sure wish it would blow.
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I like that bones. Being heard is of course important to those of us who were rendered voiceless.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I hear you!
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BonesMS & GS,
"The Heiress"(1949) is a good movie, it won 4 Oscars. If you watch it, you'll see how we are not alone and that there have always been parents who narcissistically thrive on crushing their children. It's based on an old story from the 1800s, so this has been going on for a long time. Make sure you have popcorn & kleenex!
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Hi ann3,
"The Heiress" is one of my favorites: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=10146.msg165054#msg165054
Richard
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Point well taken, GS and Bones. I keep veering into advice-giving when I know better!
FWIW, I think in unaware moments I feel frantic to fix
somebody (even unasked) because I can't fix my child.
Not a good way to express that though--I need to go volunteer.
Meanwhile, back to just listening.
Love and support,
Hops
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Hi ann3,
"The Heiress" is one of my favorites: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=10146.msg165054#msg165054
Richard
Hi Dr. G!
How cool to read that you think this film is a "A wonderful piece on voicelessness"! I saw this film years ago, before I knew about voicelessness. I saw it again about 1 year ago & it hit me that this story is all about voicelessness and an N parent scapegoating a child. Then, there's the other part of the story about how the scapegoated child of the N parent can wind up with an N spouse. The movie is a classic study of generational damage caused by Ns.
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Point well taken, GS and Bones. I keep veering into advice-giving when I know better!
FWIW, I think in unaware moments I feel frantic to fix
somebody (even unasked) because I can't fix my child.
Not a good way to express that though--I need to go volunteer.
Meanwhile, back to just listening.
Love and support,
Hops
Thank you.
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Wow. I see why this is moving slowly. There is a life time of hurt and shut down to be processed. This morning I had a series of dreams about being included, loved, rejected and apologized to. Then it was a dream/ vision of my mother saying she was sorry - not like she did in real life, in her dismissive, infantile way but with sincerity and awareness ness of the deliberateness with which she had sabotaged and shortchanged me ad infinitum.
When she did, I felt another log break loose from the jam and enter the sluice. That's when I saw that this would be a slow process with so much more to come bit by bit. When that happened I felt a clear sense of relief but also a deep emptiness. I saw myself swaddled tightly in a thin blanket. Kept warm and tight, comforted. I felt a sense of forgiveness release me - not the kind of forgiveness which absolved her but a sense of being uncoupled from her.
Clearly there is so much more to come. I see that this is a process that has begun and I no longer fear that it will not be enough or that it will start and not finish. It will simply be slow and deliberate. Now I have so much to get done today.
I am working with a banker to get funding for a critical program for my child. This is money that was left to him for this purpose by his grandfather. I began this process almost a year ago and the money is due now and they are stalling. This process is not healthy. Ihis doctor wrote a letter commending this program for him and yet these people who do not know us have the power to decide yea or nay. Once again I am kept in the position of a child, unable to freely spend money for my child's best interest. But I have decided to use a technique for my own benefit that will help me have the right attitude. It will be accomplished.
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Hops, I can't imagine how painful it must be to not be able to communicate with her. That is a longing to the depths of most mothers. And of all mothers who mean well. My heart is with you.
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Then it was a dream/ vision of my mother saying she was sorry - not like she did in real life, in her dismissive, infantile way but with sincerity and awareness ness of the deliberateness with which she had sabotaged and shortchanged me ad infinitum.
I felt a sense of forgiveness release me - not the kind of forgiveness which absolved her but a sense of being uncoupled from her.
I think this is an important dream. Perhaps this is the sincere apology which you always wanted from her, but never got? Also, your sense of feeling "uncoupled" (dis-enmeshed?) is really good. Perhaps now that both parents have passed, you feel more able, free & ready to heal: you can finally be you.
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Thanks Ann. No question I carry this all internalized. But I a milling to let go.
An image (not very original) came to me yesterday. It is complete darkness with a pen prick of light. I am learning to focus on that light. I was specifically trained by my father to focus on the large presence of darkness. Perhaps I part because of his OCD, he obsessed on what could and would go wrong and why I would fail - not to mention that he would deny me the necessary resources while requiring me to do something. It is all so crazy.
But I am learning to focus on that tiny bit of light. And bit by bit the light will appear larger and the darkness will retreat.
I am ever thankful for the dialogue.
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Thank you, (((((((GS))))))))).
That was just an extraordinary, moving dream about your mother.
I love the interpretation theory that we ourselves are every single element
in our dreams. The way I was taught it was to ask myself:
What part of me is the house?
What part of me is the mother?
Etc.
Dream theories are a dime a dozen. But I was very moved to read
such imagery of grace and release. Felt thrilled for you that this happened
in your psyche.
So MUCH is happening there.
Hope the task of the day came unclogged. I worked on a few of mine
today and the smallest thing (getting documents to bank, making a car
appt., following up on another paperworky thing I usually have phobia
about)...all went well.
I'll fill you in on my old thread about my D.
love
Hops
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Hops I appreciate the reminder about dream interpretation. I used to think about dreams that way and found it very fascinating. So glad you were able to get those paper things done. I was able to get mine done as well and though I haven't heard from the trust officer yet I have figured out a back door way in. I am feeling more clever than afraid. It is such a major triumph. Though I had a hard time getting out of the starting block today I was not once beset by shame/anxiety. It was a new day for me. Mid I can string together a number of days like today I will think myself functional. I'm not celebrating that yet but celebrating my small victories very much.
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Absolutely.
No such thing as a small victory!
I deeply understand the joy and wobbly hope and nearly...wonder...that folks with organizational or exec function issues feel about accomplishing life-care tasks.
YAY!
Hops
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Feeling down today. I am beginning to see a rhythm in this process. It is up and down. I am presented with difficulty and I process it and things feel victorious, I am through a level of yuck. And then the process starts anew. That's all OK. If I use take it for what it is. I would love a period of waking up, feeling good and having energy to persevere. That will come but for now I have work to do and I am thankful that I know what to do and can do it.
I have lived decades of rejection and depression. The healing won't be instantaneous but it will come. I'm going to rest a bit today before I get to work.
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Saw something from a new perspective :
Will shift from hoping to be at the end of this processing to being prepared for the next battle. It's a trek. The journey us as important as the end.
That helps.
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The difference between repression and processing is subtle. I am still working it out. At times I hear it in my head but most clearly I feel it in my body.
I am driving down the road and I feel that blanket of dread descend. "Oh no!" God I hate it. I'm slipping back into the darkness just as I had such a day of hope. I hear myself begin to manically repeat a positive thought mantra, and then this chorus overlays, "it's not going to work, it's not going to work, it's not going to work." The tension in my neck spreads to my stomach. My grip on the steering wheel increases as the ache in my belly worsens. " oh my God, I've lost that hope."
Then I remember. I release the tension in my shoulders and breathe deeply into the depths of my being, drawing the breath down into my sacrum. " Not good enough. Not deep enough. I can't do it right!" STOP. stop. "Breathe." "This is an old tape. It is rooted deeply. It will be eliminated."
I breathe slowly. Release my tight shoulders. My grip relaxes and then the knots in my stomach untie. A profound sadness comes over me and memories of lost friendships and lost dreams waft along like clouds drifting by., each breath pushing, pulling another memory.
"there is healing," I remind myself. "It is on the other side of grieving. No more repressing. Let it flow outward and replace that sorrow with what you imagine love feels like." It is an odd thing that love and self-hatred cannot coexist. For too long the only reaction I had against the indescribable pain of rejection was figuratively form into a rolypoly like ball with my hands over my head, screaming , "no!"
My life long protection from rejection led to more and more of it until I fell into a perpetual state of it. "why, why, why," I wonder to no avail. I am most afraid that it is too late to reverse the damage. But that is a false question, one that time not need be wasted contemplating . All that matters is moving forward with the battle. Only good can come of it. Only bad can come from refusing to participate.there is no more time for "it's too little, too late."
Yesterday I had a glimpse of what it is like to be received with joy and welcoming. I witnessed it through my child as he returned to camp for his second week this summer. Everywhere he went, the Chapel for check in, the Health Hut to deliver mess, the dining hall to take his GF foods, the counsel ours, nurses and even the middle aged country women gave great shouts and traded barbs. It was a joyous moment.
This is exercise. It is not running and calisthenics until I arrive and rest. It is exercise for the release of the experience as well as the outcome. I see now that I will embrace this practice rather than endure it waiting to arrive at the destination of HEALED.
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I completely believe that you are going to continue healing, GS.
I feel not one shred of doubt about it (knowing there will be successes AND slips along the way).
The reason is that in all our years here, I have never heard you talking to yourself, directly challenging
and changing your self-talk, the way you are now.
It is just fantastic. Difficult, struggle, repeat, re-fight...I know.
BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. And you are repeating it.
I feel so confident in saying that I believe you ARE going to get to the point where your
intentional determined journey to actually experience self-love, will heal you to the point
that even others' reactions--in whatever form they take at whatever time--will not cause you
to collapse inside.
I really can visualize you being there. I understand that you can't feel it in a prolonged way right
now (and your new-normal may eventually include periodically weathering the old feelings/reactions,
just like...weather). But what you are doing and describing now really does sound/feel NEW, to
this listener.
love
Hops
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I wrote a long piece here last night and yet it isn't here. It must have been something fglitching with my save button. I'm so disappointed. It was an outpouring of glimpses and glimmers of feelings pouring out and memories bubbling to the surface that are begging to be processed.
There is a pattern emerging: repressed stuff bubbling up and being,processed and brief periods of freedom that feel so good and hope filled.ive come to realize that rather than hope or expect these period to be permanent, I am going to see it as a work in progress and just enjoy them knowing that more processing will follow. There is so much pain and shame down I there. I know that. My house and my life are manifestations of that. But the healing has begun and while I do not have control very the process, the speed or the periods of recovery I do have power over my faith I. This process and I choose the believe in it.
Though there is so much shame and so man memories tainted by shame I can say that the anxiety has fallen away and that is major. I have t take comfort in that - although the shame does feel almost as debilitating as the anxiety rationally I know it is a significant layer. As this process began I realized that the shame was producing that lifelong anxiety. And boy has that taken its own toll.
Today I wake up with an inkling of another facet. I don't like this one for many reasons. It is an internal battle against obligation (aka responsibility). I get 100% where it is coming from. It is important but I suspect that it is not very deep and will not be difficult to process. It is a teen thing. But it too comes from my parents behaviour of setting me up and abandoning me, giving me obligations without resources or guidance and abandoning me with it and then excoriating me afterward or talking derisively about me behind my back.
In my mothers later years she would talk derisively about me behind my back to my brothers. One of her caregivers told me 7 or 8 years ago. It was hurtful but no surprise but I was beyond great flu that is woman was generous enough to let me know. I was the only one of her children that stood by her In her later years. My son and I went by several times a week, providing Sunday dinner for years. My brothers talked by phone but didn't visit even every month even though one lived down the street and the other only a couple of miles away. My mother set up the nightmare that my child and I experienced after her death.
When I look at the traumas I have endured over the past 13 years it is no wonder that I am where I am I terms od the decay around me. It is no wonder. But the time has come for me to give myself a break and move on towards healing.
I wonder why his is so difficult and I guess it is because I have to "go through" to get to the other side. I do know that with each level it does get indescenibly easier but not easy. It is still hard to stand up and face the bubbling up of old pain but cliche or not, I am willing to keep m eye on that pin prick of light rather than focus on all of the darkness around me.
That in itself is such a shift. Lifelong, I have dwelt in he injustices felt me, writhing I anguish over the pain and unfairness. And unfair it has been but agonizing did not help, it kept me stuck. I was waiting to be rescued. I could even see this for several years. My father, in particular, did all in his power to keep me helpless and because I saw,him as so accomplished until I was 30, his psychological crippling had great power over me. I know how I gave it to him but it took me so very long to figure out how to get it backs.
And even though the techniques that I picked up along the way are not new to me, for some reason they were not successful against the monster in the past. Either I gave up too soon, the anxiety and shame were too great or I did not have enough faith, the fear and doubt in myself were too great. I am in a better place now plus, being summer I have few,obligations and this allows me to stay with the struggle without distraction.
I am chipping away, seeing progress before my eyes but I am ready for things to tilt, ready for the critical mass, ready to crest the mountain so that my effort is in getting the work done rather than overcoming more blocks. That overcoming is the most,difficult because of the associated pain, the re-experiencing of self-hatred and self-recrimination and rejection.
I remember now that my vanished post was about rejection. That is the subject that I must address. It holds the greatest pain.
I'm going to start it here but it demands significant focus. Rejection and anticipation of rejection is the battle before me. It is laden with shame and physical and emotional pain. I know I must go through to get to the other side and II know , at this point that only the amount I can tolerate will come up. ( that fear of intolerable pain has been so great at times, in great part because I was living every moment at my utter fill of psychic pain.)
It is a marvel for me to see how my parents rejection of me led me to act in a way to cause more rejection. At no time in my life was I strong enough to take that responsibility and even now it aches to the depths. But I see it and it is quite easy to forgive myself but I understand how my reactions were actually out of my control. And I can take that responsibility today because I can see clearly how it can and will be different going forward. Until this past week going into anything new brought out in me great agony and unconscious expectation of rejection and scepticism. Walking into a store I expected to be mistreated, treated not as well as others, overlooked, cheated, on and on. My stomach would tie in knots and when my spectating were met I would be so angry. All of this except the anger was totally out of reach of my understanding. Now that it is clear, I can choice my reaction. It is a freedom and a comfort that knows no description.
Now when I walk into situations with potential interactions of more significance than a store clerk, I can see the same internal stuff at work and handle it differently. I have lived my life expecting rejection. It has not been good. The pain of that expectation has been ungodly. And the actualization of the rejection even worse. But I am extricating myself from all of that. If no more progress were made that would be an important step.
Last night in my post I wrote about the joy my child experienced and was met with when he returned to camp for his second session this summer. When we arrived at check in he was excited to see the young adults and they to see him. They exchanged cheerful banter, teasing and joking. The same reception was met him at the Health Hut and again from the middle aged country women at the dining hall. It was so nice to see and equally important was my own reaction. I did not feel that normal expectation and feeling of rejection and mistreatment that I have always projected on situations and people. And furthermore, I remembered a time when I entered into a new experience much the way I saw my child enter yesterday.
Things are evolving. My job it to keep this door open and progressing on the path, calling the dark eases by their name and exposing them to light and feelings of love. I can do this.
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ive come to realize that rather than hope or expect these period to be permanent, I am going to see it as a work in progress and just enjoy them knowing that more processing will follow.
2 steps forward & 1 step back, but the direction and momentum is forward.
I think I went thru something similar to what you're going thru now: After my 2nd Nparent died, I went thru a "life review", tracing back all the Nism in my FOO & connecting it to who I was & how I became that way. Many emotional ups & downs, painful memories and realizations of truth, on that roller coaster ride to my personal freedom. The ride lasted a few years (& never completely ends) but I made it to the other side & you will too.
I read a helpful book called "Death Benefits How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life for the Better by Jeanne Safer". There's a chapter called "The Punitive Parent Dies". Perhaps check it out?
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You find great pieces of film and literature Ann. I'll look into it. I. Dying to see The Heiress as well.
I have wondered if it was my mother's death or the horrific, relentless sabotages and slander done by my brothers at the end of her life and afterward that set things in motion for me. I know that I was slightly aware during her life for an indescribable longing for her to come clean at the end of her life, but she didn't.
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Thanks for saying that, GS. I only mention books & movies if I feel they're helpful.
I have wondered if it was my mother's death or the horrific, relentless sabotages and slander done by my brothers at the end of her life and afterward that set things in motion for me.
Could be; from what I've read, the death of the 2nd N parent is a catalyst & it put me on the road to freedom.
I was slightly aware during her life for an indescribable longing for her to come clean at the end of her life, but she didn't.
Me too. It's a kick in the gut. No closure, no Hallmark made-for-TV-movie ending. I was left with a tangled web of sh*t, which I spent years in & out of therapy, trying to detangle, just to understand what happened & how to move on. Oh well, that's how it goes. But, you are now detangling & journeying towards clarity & freedom. YAY! :D
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When my father died I was half expecting the deathbed sorrowful accounting. No such thing. That left me less expectant concerning my mother but nonetheless I hoped for something. Cest la vie.
Now I'm free and really free because am totally unencumbered by my brothers. Should I never see or hear about them again it will be perfectly fine. That has been a real freedom, cutting that hope of reconciling, being family, all that pretence from them and their wives - "we love you." On the rare occasion I saw them at my mother's.
Onward and upward.
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I figured something out this evening that is helpful.
My house is my greatest shaming thing in this world. No wonder sitting in this place is debilitating. I'm going to try going out and coming back to work on projects. If I could find a place to stay even better though not likely. But having figured this out is a big help.
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A friend came and helped me clean today. I am I. So deep. So much is broken and in need of repair. She talked me into calling the AC repair person. It is so hard to have workmen come in as the place is I such disrepair. But I did it. I am 1 hour in on a 2 hour window. The longer it takes the colder my feet get but I am going to dig deep and hang in there.
I have to say it is hard to dig out.
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The darn AC guy came while I was home but he knocked on my door and didn't ring the bell. I never heard him.
So we try again tomorrow.
But I got some things done and better yet I got myself to do something's that I had to overcome my resistance to do. That is a big plus for me. Plus I am finding that I am lifting myself up bit by bit. Things that would have put me under are very minor set backs quickly overcome. I'm rebounding for the first time in memory and finding it easier and easier to stay out of the dark. This is progress. But tthe real hope is that facing the mess is not setting me back. Where I can't tackle something, I can at least thing about it. I can look at a problem and begin to see myself overcoming it. This is such a wonderful relief and it is very encouraging.
Bit by bit.
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Hit some depression today. But I'm going to bounce back and get to work. Must clean up and out. I can get a plan first. That will help.
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I'm getting so much. Lots of memories and great, great sadness. I would not have been able to tolerate it before this work this summer. Today, I am depressed, angry, motivated and very sad. Praying that when I get to work it will be fruitful. I have to bear down now and pull through. I have a long way to go in every way.
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I'm working. The more I work, the more comes up.
I'm reading The Sociopath Nextdoor. It's not very profound but it does help me see that my father in particular was intentional in his undermining. Had I a clue, I could have walked away the moment I left his house but I believed in him and I have paid a supreme price. I cannot help but believe that my life to date has steeled me for something significant.
My perpetually 3 year old mother had no empathy. I am not sure if she had a conscience or not. But most everything she did for me was a manipulation to get something from me. Nothing came out of a desire to help. It caused me indescribable pain.
I am beginning to replace these buried shaming and destructive messages with hope and encouragement. Just beginning.
Many memories of pain are surfacing. For many years now, perhaps all of my child's life since my husband's death, I have been barely keeping my head above water. I could not look beneath the surface. I had no ability to survive any more pain. I am getting stronger but with each level more and more pain surfaces. It is not too much but it is very much indeed. I cannot yet see what the future might be. I am still and will be for sometime, digging my way. In truth, I have just begun digging out this week. It is scary. I have been longing to dig out for over a decade.
The shame I have lived under has actually taken a toll in more ways than one. It left me exhausted, taxing my depleted adrenals. As I process the shame and it's weight begins to lift I have ever so incrementally more energy.
Shame begets shame. In the depths of shame everything around me becomes infected. Slowly lifting.
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I'm going through another period. The pain is very great though not as excruciating as earlier this summer. I hope it brings more freedom.
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I was just thinking, " boy, my mother was never proud of anything I did." Then I remembered getting a sick feeling in my gut when she would say, "I'm so proud of you." And the light bulb went off -it was utterly hollow, said out of something other.
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Backslid a bit today. Didn't do my reading and preparing my mind. Must keep doing this.
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Waiting on AC repairman AGAIN. He's showing up after the 2 hour period given me. That after not showing up yesterday. It taxes me. I fear no one will repair my AC because the house is such a wreck.
I called for a Direct TV guy to come. He shows up not at the scheduled time, stayed on the phone with a different customer and then said that two trees mean I cannot receive service. It was very frustrating. I find I have slipped into the old me, frustrated, irritated, expecting the worst. I'm going to switch my attitude and thinking around before this guy gets here.
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I got myself together. The man was so nice. He got my downstairs unit working and will return tomorrow for the upstairs.
That was a very good experience. I have actually been cleaning some really gross stuff today. Tomorrow I tackle the upstairs. This whole shame thing is so helpful. Again I think I am breaking through. There were a few panic moments today but I got back into my thought exercises and pulled things together. I'm going to keep heading down this path until it needs adjustment. I get to see my therapist tomorrow. I am very excited.
Tonight I want to set up a plan so I came really see that I am making progress. That affirmation is very helpful. This is tough to do all by myself but I feel so much less alone because of this place.
Thanks again Dr. Grossman.
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People like you, G.S., have made this a very special place!
Richard
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Yesterday was a whirlwind of shifting emotions. It was also the first day I had not spent preparing myself for the onslaught of life. I'll take that as a reminder. I am now filling myself with positive beliefs about recovery and daily events. I need plenty of concentration on simple tasks. Before I work with another human to repair something or get a task completed I need to spend time getting my mind in line with seeing the outcome positive. This will take some work to change a life long pattern of fear and negative expectations but it will be so beneficial. I feel so fortunate that the fear is subsiding. But I am aware of some unconscious aspects of it poking through.
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These past few days have been different, up and down, emotions rolling like oceans waves, first cresting and then ebbing, unsettling and then comforting, energy and then deleted. This is another one of those. I prefer even Steven.
This feelings and memories and fears and expectations of rejection are large. Large but still dwarfed by the enormity of shame that I am passing through. My vision of life beyond rejection is blurred. I cannot see what it might be like. It leaves my stomach empty and room for fear to enter in. I see how repression gets to work. Part of me cannot tell if I am strong enough to handle all that repressed pain. But I am relying on past experience and moving forward. I'm wading in .
The pain is terribly exhausting. I should hav known. But u think gearing up and getting to work exercising, getting back in shape, strengthening will be beneficial.
I was driving home from camp this morning and the pain and fear had begun to wah over me. Though I can't yet name it I know it is from my childhood and the endless rejection by my parents. I remembered how so often as an adult I longed to pick up the phone and call my mother. That feeling came today instinctively when the old pain began rising. I remembered how I would long to call my mother while she was living but knowing there was no point. She would have no interest, no concern, no tenderness, no soothing. Knowing that,I wouldn't call but the longing for MOTHERING has never gone away.
Stay with me. This process is slow.
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I'm tired, I mean really tired. Not from anything except from stress. This won't last. It's a small hurdle.
The good news is that I held a very positive attitude ( for most of the process) for getting my child in a program that I started working on inFebruary. Everything came down to the last two weeks. He is finally in the program and the money has been sent from an educational fund. Each step was a hurdle. And I did better earlier on than towards the middle. But I am seeing the benefits of having the belief that things will work out.
I definitely need to daily work on my mind set. It is a daily need. Heretofore I haven't been good at "daily". But I'm about to be.
Tuesday night I started watching iyanla on YouTube. There are only small selections but I find her empowering. She has a way of getting down into to guts of people's pain and I find it helps be get down into the trenches too. She is profoundly insightful and empathetic. Just the very things that I need unearth more.
I am not seeing significant outward changes but I am seeing important internal changes. There is just so much more to do and work to do cementing the success I've already made.
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I'm in a new place this morning. I knew there was more work to do and I a eager for it to get done and for more stuff to present itself from the deep. But I also hate it. The pain is large.
I am angry. And it has to do with being left to do all work alone, no he. That's all I'm in touch with. Abandoned and ridiculed for being abandoned or not enough by those who did it. My resentment is huge - the sense of injustice indescribable. It gets in touch with a deep anger and rage.
I pray that important loss and hurt emerge for healing. The aloneness is indescribable.
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To use a tired cliche - this stuff is like a splinter buried deep in the flesh and staring to emerge. There is pain with it but also frustration ni waiting for it to work its way to the surface.
His aloneness has some toddler responses wrapped around it. I am angry and pouting. Feel like going off and sulking but only with the hopes that some one will notice and come after me. (They never did. They never will.) I am angry. And I am hurt. And there is no one to turn to. So sympathy, no empathy. Only ridicule and humiliation. The pain compounds. That child, long ago abandoned is railing inside, such utter futility. So angry that so many others surrounding never had to experience such abandonment and rejection. And they pile it on as though to reach out would attach a reject sty ga on them.
I feel it to my bones.
As I have descended into pain in the past, the process is always similar. The pain that emerges feels life crushing, intolerable for days even. Then I bit by bit work my way out of it healing on the way. Then there is a period of equalization and with luck the process wi
L repeat for other repressed agonizing sufferings.
I hope this round is swift.
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An image emerges - I'm alone in a wilderness, a vast expanse of white, hurt and crying out in agony, pain and fear. My mother sits along with my father and brothers. My father reigns supreme, having family time without me, unconcerned for my pain and shouting out threats of reprimand and punishment if I don't "keep quiet." Everyone gleefully ignores me except my father who continues to berate me for daring express my agonizing hurt. Their merriment exacerbates my pain. I am so helpless, so hopeless. And I am right back in it all.
Please help. No one will help. I am so angry at the torment, so angry and in such pain.
When I am allowed back from the wilderness, the world demands that I act as if nothing has happened. At school there is no room for my pain and my acting out for attention and love, with friends there is no room For that pain and the need for attention and love, even with my grandparents whom I thought loved me as a child but now I see there was no room for my pain and suffering.
As it reemerges, it is big and I have no place to put it. Nothing to do with it. The rejection of my pain and suffering is so big.
So much resentment as a child over those who Were comforted and celebrated. I am only now aware of that resentment. I want this all to come out and be released.
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Our great human fear is that we are frauds and will be outed.
I see that as I descend into the depths of pain and muck that I have a fear of getting deep into. This pain and finding out that I deserve it and that I will be captured in it like quick sand. I "know" better. But I fear it. But the irony is that I am trapped in it unless I descend there to release it.
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Reading about sociopaths who usually seem normal - this question is so much like my experience as a child about my parents. It is a form of ga slighting. I have never seen this before .
"why would a person like that do such a horrible thing? This is the question others always ask, either overtly or by intimation and it is such a bewildering, unanswerable question that the one who suspects the sociopath usually ends up asking it too. Only to find that she has no rational sounding explanation .and like the beautiful new bride in Gaslight, she may come to lose faith in her perceptions."
I lost faith in my perceptions somewhere along the way.
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Boy, that question -"Who cares?" No one cares. No one cared.
Hits me hard. I want to both release that deepest pain and injury and emerge from it and start a new life. I want to go in these opposite directions. Are they mutually exclusive? I am torn and rendered asunder because no one cared, no one cared.
Hurt and angry.reacting out of pain. But I wan peace and release from these binds more than anything whatsoever. Generations of darkness even visiting on the generation below. I see it in my two nephews though they are polar opposites. They are both severely damaged though very young. I even see it in my maternal cousin and he came from the healthier by far side of the family.
So much pain and destruction. I want to survive and flourish.
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I got off track. The moment I got back into having a vision, lifting myself up, the moment I saw how just these past two weeks worked beautifully in that mode, how they worked better than at any time in my memory.
I slipped but I am returning. Feeling better already.
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Love.
It's more powerful than resentment, anger, mistakes.
You deserve it. Your crushed inner little girl is finally receiving it from you.
That is why, I believe, you are doing so well. You're not abandoning her.
You keep doing it again...willing yourself to say kind things to yourself.
Choosing to love yourself even though the Nfamily couldn't/didn't/won't/hadn't/are gone.
That's what will integrate your inner little girl into a lovely adult woman who is not bitter.
That's where you're going and it does not matter what age you are when you get there.
When the resentment is gone this woman will be there. You will learn to love her too.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
I've been babbling on. Off track, lost and found again. And you stepped in and gave me a boost. Really much appreciated.
You are so right. Love is so powerful and I am so surprised to find that I am able to offer it to myself. Every now and then I expect ill stroll off the path and need to find my way home. Thanks for shining the light for me to get right back on.
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My mother sits along with my father and brothers. My father reigns supreme, having family time without me, unconcerned for my pain and shouting out threats of reprimand and punishment if I don't "keep quiet." Everyone gleefully ignores me except my father who continues to berate me
..... yeah, this is recognisable, those fam dynamics, I can hear it beyond the words. That one, the 'abandoned with shame laced into the abandonment,' that dynamic has a life-force. All those 'others' all huddled within the bastion of 'these ones are ok' the one out there is not.
The only basis for relatedness offered you is to be berated, the other option is abandonment. Niether position is humanly tenable.
(this is a recognised and named dynamic,) ~ tho the living version of it is quite something huh?
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You've got it River.
I now see a component of has lighting in which any time I complained outside of the family I was not believed. That ga slighting took on an even more direct and sinister form as my mother was dying. My brothers went on an actual campaign to spread that I was mentally ill, stealing and using my mother's narcotics (among other things), was an unfit mother and I don't know what else. The intensity, breadth and brazenness of it all was what most surprised me, not that they did it at all.
But that I survived it ( though it was expensive - hiring detectives and attorneys and drug tests and the like) reminds me that I am strong and can do more than merely endure.
I can overcome my fear of rejection or more accurately my fear of dying in the face of rejection. When I realize that rejection will not kill me then I think I will be the strongest yet and most capable of flourishing. ( I just figured that out as I responded to your post. )
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There is a pattern for me -as things worm there way to the surface I go through a couple of days of up and down and around. Finally last night a deep experience of heavy heart and decades of memories of being left out, rejected and longing to be included flooded me. My dreams were a cascade of events of having a place at the table only to have it taken by someone else.
The pain is extraordinary, indescribable. This morning I see so much - how this pain and fear of rejection have led to behaviour that brought more. I have a tendency to fear more of it but I choose to let it go and to see what can come in its place. This rejection undergirds the shame. I think it is the root of all of my pain. How much more is living buried deep I don't know but it will uproot itself as I process it step by step.
It is the most excruciating pain. I see why I could not face it earlier. There is this odd sense that in facing it now I will bring more and more of it to the surface and that may be true but my greater fear is that the more aware of it I become that I will be subjected to living in the full on pain of its awareness rather than the irritation of it repressed. I choose to move through it anyway.
I cannot help but wonder at what point or how much more must be processed before the log jam breaks up.
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This pr rss puts me back in time to acesmwhere I felt this overwhelming pain of rejection. It is my opportunity to heal this pain. I remember longing to turn to my mother for comfort but subconsciously knowing that. She would have rejected me and used it against me, that it could become a part of the collection of events used to refer to to exact further humiliation later on.
There was so much of it. There was noone to turn to. Not one person who cared. Only now do I see that even achievements would not have been celebrated. It was such a force of destruction.
I see that the very hopemi have now is coupled to a fear of failure. This too is a life long pattern. Beginning early in my childhoodmall hope was tainted because it wasIn the Framework of family.
I have no idea how to do things differently. I trust the way will Present itself to me as i go along. Ordinarily a child is tethered to "home" or "love" and can venture out from There. From what am I to venture out? It is pre-experience. Something greater than experience. Having faith in something greater, more solid.
Glimmers of order are beginning to take root. With them co
E the stomachache connect to powerful memories of pain. Name them. Recognize their origins. See that they are not "real." at this point I am flooded
With cascades of stomaching memories. All to be dealt with? And then what?
Condemnation is rejection. Criticism is rejection.
I have been guilty of it too.
I don't even know who I am with out feeling/being rejected. Lost - much like a prisoner released from prison after decades. No where to go, no structure. I am responsible for generating my own structure ex nihilo. I can do that - once I am released from the fetters.
Back to the exercises of mind. Step by step I become increasingly aware of how I have held myself in a perpetual mindset of rejection. Now I will shift, consciously adopt a new, different framework. It can be approached from mind or action or both.
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The structure is become clear. Each memory is attached to so many others, like a web. Once one memory is triggered an explosion of others flash creating an ensnaring web that traps. Standing up to these memories brings on a surge of shame and feelings/memories of shame and rejection. It has been an ever repeating cycle. But interrupting this cycle -
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This pr rss puts me back in time to acesmwhere I felt this overwhelming pain of rejection. It is my opportunity to heal this pain. I remember longing to turn to my mother for comfort but subconsciously knowing that. She would have rejected me and used it against me, that it could become a part of the collection of events used to refer to to exact further humiliation later on.
There was so much of it. There was noone to turn to. Not one person who cared. Only now do I see that even achievements would not have been celebrated. It was such a force of destruction.
I see that the very hopemi have now is coupled to a fear of failure. This too is a life long pattern. Beginning early in my childhoodmall hope was tainted because it wasIn the Framework of family.
I have no idea how to do things differently. I trust the way will Present itself to me as i go along. Ordinarily a child is tethered to "home" or "love" and can venture out from There. From what am I to venture out? It is pre-experience. Something greater than experience. Having faith in something greater, more solid.
Glimmers of order are beginning to take root. With them co
E the stomachache connect to powerful memories of pain. Name them. Recognize their origins. See that they are not "real." at this point I am flooded
With cascades of stomaching memories. All to be dealt with? And then what?
Condemnation is rejection. Criticism is rejection.
I have been guilty of it too.
I don't even know who I am with out feeling/being rejected. Lost - much like a prisoner released from prison after decades. No where to go, no structure. I am responsible for generating my own structure ex nihilo. I can do that - once I am released from the fetters.
Back to the exercises of mind. Step by step I become increasingly aware of how I have held myself in a perpetual mindset of rejection. Now I will shift, consciously adopt a new, different framework. It can be approached from mind or action or both.
GS, there is so much in there that I can recognise myself at different times - particularly that no-one cared. It is very odd to grow up in a family where neither your immediate or extended family care much about you. Very alien to what I think we all naturally need.
I have found that it's really just a case of trying, dealing with what comes up, sometimes taking a break, sometimes regressing, sometimes realising something has changed or shifted and celebrating that - often alone, which is something I'd like to change - but changes happen and I'm sure you're feeling and noticing that too. Keep on keeping on - but I think having a hide under the duvet day every now and again is perfectly acceptable! You're doing really well xx
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Twoapenny - what jumped out at me in your post are the bits about regression and hiding under the duvet. So right. I didn't get it until now. I experienced that brief regression this week and now I see it scared me to death. Now that I know to expect it it will be more tolerable. Lovely insight. Thank you.
Somewhere I knew this process would be slow and not a directly upward climb. When I first began making progress earlier this summer, it was exilerating and yet (b/c of past experience) it was terrifying that this would be short lived and the miasma I have been stewing on would never fully let go. But as I go through the second processing (coupled with past episodes of healing) I am seeing a pattern. There is so much to be processed and it will happen. I must continue to keep my eye of the pinprick of light rather than the seemingly omnipresent darkness. (To mix a metaphor) what I feed grows. Lifelong I have fed the darkness and wallowed in it, waiting for rescue, giving up all of my power to it.
Earlier today I was remembering how I once felt as though I belonged. From birth until age 30. Then all in one year, my father left my mother (my brothers and I were totally blindsided), I divorced (at the time the single greatest shaming event of my life) and mt grandfather died ( he had been a rock in my life and in our community). All of the underpinnings of my place in our society (local community) were crumbling and I retreated, totally lost and unable to find any direction. I was drowning and grasping for any floatation. I pulled away from my college and childhood friends out of indescribable shame and humiliation. I was profoundly depressed but I did not know it. Depressed and shamed and angry. So while I withdrew - I'm not sure what level of intention I was operating on, little did I understand or know the windows of opportunity for those relationships were closing too. In a few short years the window would be painted and sealed shut. And my heart would be broken. Occasionally, (mostly I recent years) I would try to make contact and the paint would be scraped off the glass but the windows were still sealed shut. And low these many years later I can see how it all fell into place. It causes me such deep sorrow but now, and only now, I also see that I must mourn these losses and move on, open other windows, open my heart again. Only now am I strong enough to risk that rejection because only now does rejection not pile on top of all that other loss. Going forward rejection is an indicator that the connection isn't meant to be, let it shut and move on to greener pastures. I'm sure I can do this. I know, I now see that i have value when I exist outside of shame. Lifting the repression, there I am full of life and joy and humor. What a relief.
I have been little more than a bag of seriousness and darkness - an enemy against injustice, seeing injustice everywhere. This is going to work. The whole rebirth has begun and so many parts are filling in. It is an up and down journey, exciting and scary but I am more than ready.
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Going forward rejection is an indicator that the connection isn't meant to be, let it shut and move on to greener pastures. I'm sure I can do this. I know, I now see that i have value when I exist outside of shame. Lifting the repression, there I am full of life and joy and humor.
WOW. I am awed.
And so excited for you, GS.
Hops
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Thanks hops.
This has been so up and down but I'm working on focusing on the up part without repressing or denying the down.
I'm going to make a bold declaration. It is time to give up or cut down on internet usage. I find I am using it as a distraction. So I am going to limit myself to 1/2 an hour in the am and 1/2 hour in the evening. I'm wasting time now avoiding what needs to be done. I've already given up TV. Time to take the next step.
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This is very descriptive of my experience. My parents, however, looked good on the outside. My father did until his 50s and my mother did until the end.
Children of the Sociopathic Parent
Parents with antisocial personalities often do not make good parents. The parent is either controlling, or indifferent and uncaring. The parent is often neglectful and abusive, devoid of relating to the children on an emotional level, thus unable to give true support. In some cases they appear to exhibit a fierce love for their child,. If this is the case, it’s usually because the child is seen as an extension of themselves. The parent’s biggest concern is often how they appear in the community.
The child of the sociopath parent senses, on a deep level, that the parent does not love really him. As the child develops, he or she learns to watch the parent carefully, learning at an early age to mirror the moods and wants of the parent. It’s the child’s only means of survival. The child will smile, as if on cue, when the parent wants to look good, and respond to the parent’s demands and moods in order to avoid becoming the parent’s target. The child of the antisocial parent is often deceived, manipulated and used.
The child’s development, on an emotional and mental level, is of no concern to the anti-social parent – they expect that child to be exactly what they demand. In their minds, the child is property – a tool to be used, or neglected, according to the needs of the parent.
Mixed messages the parent sends to the child are usually confusing. What the parent says is one thing – what the parent demonstrates is another. For instance, a mother (believed to be a sociopath) was heard telling her son he shouldn’t care what other people think. Yet, everything she does is to impress others. She goes to great length to present herself as the perfect loving caring mother in her neighborhood. She is totally concerned as to what people think of her. In reality it’s all about control and power.
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It seems very descriptive of the N dynamic to me.
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I agree River. There seems to be a connection or at least overlap.
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Ok, I'm going to start moving into the solution.
I find myself writing so much about the problem. It does help me sort it out but I'm going to add another division.
I'm headed over to care for a friend's animals. Then breakfast at home.cleaning up kitchen as I to.that's a chore for certain.
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So from a book - narcissism is, in a metaphorical sense , one half of what sociopathy is. Even clinical and are able to feel most emotions as strongly as anyone else does. ... The half that is missing is the crucial ability to understand what other people are feeling. N is a failure, not of conscience but of empathy, which is the capacity to perceive emotions in others and so to react to them appropriately. ... Nw miss the people they love and are ill equipped to get them back. Sociopaths do not care about other people.
Based on the above passage, I have clarity about my parents. My mother in an N and father a sociopath. That explains much. My father was certainly much worse than my mother but my mother caused me indescribable pain. In comparison to my father it seemed that she should be reachable and I could not stop trying up until the day she died.
But that left me with brothers who each have their own profound disturbances and one of whom I now believe is perhaps a sociopath. I base that on how he has treated others, in particular his only child.
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What a pleasant surprise. I'm finding The Sociopath NextDoor to be very eye opening and helpful.
Suddenly I see how I have been seeing myself through my parent's eyes and particularly through my mother's. And she didn't CARE! Both of my parents dumped all of their shame on me so I lived in shameful ways, presently in a MESS with a capital M. I am living out their image of me. I am bringing to fruition what I saw reflected back - shame!
All of my life I have been trying to get an image of myself from outside of myself. That is not news to me. I first recognized this as early as my college years but I have never known how to do anything about it. I could write pages on this topic alone.
I'm still not to sure about what to do about it but a solution is coming to me. At least I know that when I see myself in a shamed way I will attribute it to their empty, destructive natures and not to something intrinsic in myself. This will give me room to claim those attributes that I have thought were mine but could not grasp and was confused by contradictory input that I now recognize as coming from their desires to destroy me. I see how this will free my vision of myself from their destructive one and allow my vision to blossom. It will at long last allow me to fully indulge in my creative works. I have so many ideas and so much creative force pent up. I can hardly wait to see what explodes forward.
I waited my whole life for my parents, my family, someone, anyone to see me differently. I didn't know how to see myself in a different light without their permission. My longing to belong was so great that I took a destructive, self-sacrificial path out of that unfulfilled longing to belong. Cutting the ties with my brothers, their families and my extended family this past year has been extremely painful and humiliating but now I see that it actually was the first step in this new life. PR, I too am becoming a Phoenix Rising.
I declare, at this point, that I am going to trust in this process and throw caution to the wind. When things get bad, I will keep moving forward or stay frozen, trusting the process and knowing something is shaking loose even if I cannot feel it.
I have seen across the years that I have been led to the knowledge that I needed to provide the next healing step. It has been inexorably slow, slower than Christmas, slower than paint peeling. And I am NOT a patient person. I don't expect to be a patient person tomorrow either. So I hope this process gets on track and makes some haste. I'm ready to get this train moving. Time to speed this journey along its way.
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Anticipatory shame - much like anticipatory anxiety
Wondering if holding this in mind will help break the stranglehold. Certainly won't hurt.
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After all of these years I had gotten in deep. Everything shamed me. Everything triggered. Action, inaction. But diversion in inaction was safer than the ever triggering action.
Bringing all into consciousness, applying the voice of reason to those now named points of shame. Chiseling away. Bit by bit. Increasing awareness, elevating consciousness. Bit by bit
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Layers and layers of shaming popping up. Trudging through. Lifting mind to higher place. Generating new habit to replace destructive one that never belonged to me.
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Years ago I read that the best way to lose weight was to embrace yourself at your present weight. I am remembering that today as I see that my shame will not be relieved when my house is in order but that my house will be in order when I relinquish the shame. How ever the shame came in, it is I who holds it in now.
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Gingerly feeling access to my will.
My child goes on a long trip on Wednesday. I am getting him ready. So much comes up as I go through tasks, feeling incompetent to get it all done. But I am working g on breaking through that pattern.
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So glad you'll have a break, GS...this may be a breakthrough week for you while son's away.
And your typo made me giggle. No, I beg you, don't fix it!
hugs
Hops
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Oh, ha. Well t wasn't a typo but an autocorrect. Not quite the same - lol. Actually, this is longer than a week and it isn't so much a break. I will be lost without him. He has been gone for almost 4 weeks this summer and those individual weeks were breaks. This will be different. His going on an Outward Bound program - an opportunity to see himself in a new light, to grasp hold of life and take charge. Meanwhile, I'll be at home, cleaning and creating order but very lonely. Both of my close friends are on vacation with their families. I will be home with no one to talk to.
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I had a powerful dream last night.
My father and brothers were down River getting the boat. I was at the public dock waiting. My job was to watch the boats. The water was rising. The four tethered canoes began to be breached by water. I could pull them in and save them. I told my father. He screamed at me. I did nothing. When he arrived he railed because. I had let the canoes sink and so was responsible for losing the bigger boat.
I saw, right there in black and white, that nothing I did would save me, that I would be held to blame for all that was bad, that my brothers were allowed, no trained to blame me as well.
During some point in this experience, I was in a store. It was a beautiful high-end store. The clothes were not fancy but perfect. Only one or two of each, displayed sumptuously even though the were every day clothes and not Sunday best. The elegant furnishings used for display were for sale as well. I saw that I was out of my element. My father shopped here but I could afford not one iota.
Over the past year. I saw how I was a servant in my family home. I unknowingly went out into the world both angry about how I was treated and longing to belong. I jumbled family and friends. Confused over how to behave, expecting to be rejected and confusing rejection with love. I was told it was love. Such a jumbled mess. These dreams are sorting them out.
The family and friends I grew up in were wealthy. They lived in wealth, shopped in wealth, recreated in wealth. I was a part of it while I lived I. My parents home. After I was married all ties were cut - but no one told me. My parents friends children enjoyed vacations and furnishings and clothes and jobs and more provided for them by their parents. I was confused, left out , angry and not understanding why I couldn't make silk out of a sow's ear. From my perspective, everyone else I grew up with had the same issues but were able to come up smelling roses. I was a complete failure, unable to keep up, driving with my brakes on and was being left behind further and further. But it was my anger and my miso erection that really left me out. I had no idea.
But now I do. And now I see how I confused authority with my sabotaging parents. Suddenly I see how I have been passively resisting. This has totally worked against me. I hope that bringing it to my consciousness will begin the process of change. I really didn't see this element of self-sabotage.
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During some point in this experience, I was in a store. It was a beautiful high-end store. The clothes were not fancy but perfect. Only one or two of each, displayed sumptuously even though the were every day clothes and not Sunday best. The elegant furnishings used for display were for sale as well. I saw that I was out of my element. My father shopped here but I could afford not one iota.
........ the dreams, both parts come accross vividly. I also think that vivid dreams mean that healthy processing going on.
The 'passive resistance', and the self sabotage are also important to, and close to my own experiences. Theres a wealth of awareness + insight in your sharing.
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Thanks River. I see things coming though. I am understanding more. It is a daily balance of facing obstacles and acknowledging that they are internalizations of outside forces that I can relinquish.
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It takes me 4 times as long to do things as it should. I get so bogged down and twisted in knots. In a couple of months I have come to see and understand so much that has bound me my entire life. I expect, no hope, that it will free me like a cork popping out, freeing the long clogged flow. It's not happening that way.
There are so many layers. I'm not surprised. Is it that things won't flow until all are clear? Is it that the negativity has so patterned my brain that it is slow going retraining? Perhaps. What ever it is, I hav no choice but to persevere. Anxiously awaiting the freedom on the horizon.
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I was moved by your feelings about loss of class and status, GS.
Much as my HEAD is not bourgeois or Suthrun, I was raised in all
of that and so really was shocked at how identity-unmoored I felt
after my parents' big house sold, and I downsized to a much, much
humbler house.
I love my little house and it's perfect for me. But along with the
space, I realized I had still to shed a lot of symbolism. "Where
do you live?" For years... "Oh that's such a lovely area, we
have friends over there..."
Now, it's more, "Where? I've never been in that neighborhood..."
No snub intended but it's those little layers of class that creep
me out. That I even notice it creeps me out MOST.
Coincidentally, I met a man who's not seen where I live yet,
and who lives on a 70 acre place. Boy is he is for a surprise.
It's like, culturally, I grew up among the wealthy too (though we
were peripheral, just a teacher family...). Particularly because of
an early boyfriends' mega-rich family, I am at ease in that world
and can ape the customs. But not TOTALLY.
That was an interesting awareness, recently. As I became more
economically vulnerable in the last decade
(all the fear with my brother and the estate fight)--I found
myself caring again about "what do people think of me" in
a way I thought I'd rebelled my way out of a loooong time ago.
(Well, I had. It just came back to visit. Dammit.)
It's not very powerful, but it's there. And I am a privileged
human being and would still be if I lived anywhere at all,
because I had travel and kulchah galore and education.
I understand where all that shame came from that surrounded
you. It's so wonderful to listen to you ripping holes in that
dark curtain. Because it's just a dusty curtain on a stage,
and you're cutting your way through.
love
Hops
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It's 5am and I'm at the airport with my precious child on his way to a 3 week Outward Bound adventure. I find traveling. Erie wracking. We didn't finalize packing until last night. But the worst part for me is the stress of traveling. I came by the airport last night to figure out how to deal with the tickets. I had already had a conversation with the entity I bought them through. I really anted a piece,of paper in my hand. Every bit of it is an opportunity for something to go wrong. THAT is a mindset that I am ready to change.
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That's a powerful share Hops. It is a special kind of vulnerability. I have this sense that we should all be "classless" and yet our society values money more than ver. And so much is mixed up in it all. Of course life would be easier in many ways with money. Nothing like not having any to see how you really are treats differently.
One of the big issues for me is that my parents didn't even care about how I was doing, whether I had a good job, had a good marriage, my house was functional, could provide school or health care for my child etc., etc., it simply never occurred to them It has taken me years to grasp that unlike a normal,parent who,hope s the best for their offspring, mine never cared what so ever.
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I was thinking I would pen that it is a "seesaw" experience but that analogy fails. It is up and down but I am moving incrementally more up than down. Up nicely one day but usually down a bit the next. While up I'm hoping, praying for a BREAKTHROUGH and then flattened the next day when I find myself down. But it's not a seesaw. I'm not as far down as I was up. I have not lost all ground.
Plotting my journey here has shone a pin light on this slow movement. Now rather than, " on please no, don't let me have lost all progress" I can say, "darn, down a bit. That's ok, journey on the up will come and be greater.
I have been on quite a journey the past 36 hours. It was to have been 17 hours but do to a storm (figurative and literal) it turned into 31 hours with uncertain outcomes all along the way. But my triumph was in the shift in how I handled it, how I met the fear, the long standing "expect the worst" mentality. When the fear set in, the self-doubt, self-recrimination, I returned again and again to looking for the best possible outcome. Finally this morning, walking into the unknown yet again, I had a lightbulb moment seeing the path ahead of me as an endurance challenge ( which I like) or an obstacle course ( which I feel depends on the whims of others.) The former is a win not based on outcome but on participation. The latter is outcome based. It is time for me to participate regardless of outcome. Time to jump in.
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So not progressing on getting things done around the house. But I am making progress in other important aspects of life. I see myself navigating difficulties better than ever in the past. I find myself reconnecting with my sense of being resourceful while able to move beyond disappointment, failure and obstacles in a way with hope instead of anger.
I am making a choice to see hope rather than fear defeat. That alone is life changing.
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An FB friend I met online who is an EFT practitioner posted this today. I wanted to share it. It is brief but touching for people who experienced neglect or rejection from mothers :
http://www.missingmother.com/?p=845&preview=true
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Hey, GS.
I'm always in awe when I read your posts. I only go a couple of days without reading, but when I log on you've always done so much again, physically and emotionally. It's so tough for you, there's so much that you're doing that scares you or is difficult for you, but you still keep going, even though it hurts. You're amazing for doing that. It's that strength that's kept you going all these years, I think. It's that strength that will get you through all of this.
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Thanks for your post Twoapenny, it is such a help to have a place to share. It helps memfeel
Connected and I need that.'items essential to me.
I've had amcouplemof things happen recently that give me great hope that when I get my home cleared there will be a decent life
For me. I am getting small invitations for inclusion. It gives me hoPe. I say when my house gets cleaned because that will me that I can follow through on most anything.
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So I had a call from Outward Bound yesterday to say that my child has been wholly uncooperative and wants to leave, they have an agreement to revisit the conversation tomorrow after a couple of days on the river. I am to send a letter to him today.
I have worked for over a year to get him here, believing this is an opportunity for him to have a profound experience that will teach him how to take on responsibility and get
Over the obstacles so that he might have a full life. His defiance unaltered completely limits him academically and intellectually which will limit his Educational opportunities. To date he has pretty much refused to do his Schoolwork. This past year I drove him hundreds of miles each week to a small school that Specifically works with such issues. There they did not Give zeros for Late Work but used a system of incentives to coax out the work. Even still his work product was levels below his intellectual ability.
So I decided to send him to an Outward Bound program so he might have an experience of facing difficulty and challenges and overcoming them. But he began balking and refusing to carry his load and asking to go home by day two.
I am working to keep my mind in the right place. To write a letter of encouragement and to know that there is always hope for a bright future whatever his choice is.
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Today, I will give it everything I have to stay above the darkness and in the light moving forward. I am heading out to get errands done . That is a plus. I am moving. The big step is to make small goals the day before and keep them, then it is to keepoving not standing still.
Yesterday I was very tired from my travels. I had a meting at 9:00 but felt too tired to get up. In recent years I have developed a pattern of giving up. To my great surprise I rallied myself to get up and get there. Again today I needed to get my car in at 8:00 . I woke up at 7:30 and was tired. I considered not doing it. But I got up, dressed and did it.
The pendulum is starting to swing. It is not just the accomplishments tha show me but the feelings underneath. There is hope that is growing. The condemnation is losing ground to the hope and the practise love of self and others.
There was a man in the meeting yesterday who irritates me. I saw how I had turned my back to him. So I turned, faced him and envisioned my heart sending him rays of loving kindness. It shifted my whole demeanour. And I liked it. It is changing me. I am finding myself opening up. The logs in the log jam are shifting.
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I have to say, that just this morning, I am finding it a bit easier to do what needs to be done. It has everything to do with finally having a means to override the wretched feeling of doom that has overcome and fettered me for decades. I am celebrating and finding the joy and courage to declare this victory to be growing.
Though 60 to 90 days looks like an eternity going forward, it feels like a minute in hindsight. To make this much progress in another 90 days will put me into another lifetime. I'm believing.
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I make progress then slip back, progress and back.
What seems permanent in progress is the way I see the world and others in it. I am significantly less volitile and feeling much less tossed around by what I perceive as slights and rejection. I feel them but am not rocked by them. And what a marvellous shift this is after so many, many years of struggling to respond differently.
What has not yet shifted is the ability to connect to my will. I spent some time today watching a lengthy video by an authority on ADHD, Russell Barkly. So much of what he discussed fits my struggles precisely. Sadly, I have always viewed them as a moral deficiency, and the moral and psychological. Fortunately, I am at long lady able to drop the moral judgement against myself while recognizing them from society.
But, I will find a way to address the "frozen" issue. I am continuing with using my mind and intention to heal aspects if shame and anxiety and will continue to apply the same strategies to connect to will and see how far I can get. Fingers crossed.
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GS, can you share more about the video?
As an ADD-er who suffers the same "lack of willpower" (fried brain scrambling between options to start)...I"d like to watch it.
Keep going, you're an inspiration...
xo
Hops
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Hops, I'll send a link. It was very lengthy but what he had to say was extremely interesting to me. Particularly the descriptive portion about the effects of the disorder. He even renames it and I am going to use that going forward. "Attention Deficit" has lost any value. It has become part of the vernacular for any lack of concentration. But the brain for those who suffer is simply different and different in a debilitating way.
When it comes to treatment I am not in 100% agreement with him particularly when he says diet does not matter. Because the Neurotransmitters are generated in the gut it does matter what the health of the gut and the nutrient delivered to it for the generation of Neurotransmitters.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-rkIf
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Ann3,
I apologize for being slow to respond. Yesterday was down in the dips.
I love the work you do with dreams. I believe that dreams reveal much about the psyche. I appreciate your words. I think it is time that I begin to look into the meaning again. Especially now that I am at long last making progress in dealing with long held issues.
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I learned yesterday that the number one hinge that helps me get things done is to get up and get out. The number 2 thing is to break things down into tiny pieces.
It is beyond difficult for me to get started. But now that I know this I can put my focus on it and get it done. Now that the shame has been tamed.
I have been surprised that the block did not lift with the shame but it will be much easier to overcome the block without the shame. The shame was the glue.
Today, I exercise my dogs, start eating healthy by a bite at a time, go to a meeting, return home and knock out 3 things on my list and then begin working on a plan for generating order. Mi have an organizer I am going to call.
I believe that bit by bit, I can do this. For me, the big hurdle is getting started.
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When I was 30 a friend mad me aware that I approached every task with a subconscious, "I can't." I finally have the tools to consciously replace that with "I can!" That original message is directly from my father, cemented in by years of fulfment and shame. Now that the shame is weakened and the voice being replaced, and I have the tools to chip away at the cement of experience and means to overcome a defective frontal lobe, I am on my way.
I took the dogs. Now for a shower and meeting.
Then call organizer, pay 3 bills, begin plan on organizing and work on clothes closet.
Have I on paper and then chip away one item at a time. Success is each item not the entire list. But it is also staying in order. Distraction is an issue.
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I am making progress in many areas. But I am stalled in others.
Consistency is hard to attain. I am persistent but not consistent.
Very down today.
But I'm keeping my eye on the progress. I have made much progress in understanding some parts of myself that have shifted. The rest will come. I see that now. Slow is ok.
I'm including this link. I know before. Opened it that many would have belonged to me. I'm glad to say that most of those that were part are now past.
http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/08/10/12-toxic-behaviors-that-push-people-away-from-you/#more-769
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Still learning.
Must find some ways around this block.
Will continue to wrk mind set. Have been pushing through I getting out and seeing people.
Very clear I need outside stimulus. I must figure out a way to generate and structure it.
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Inthe Russell Barkley video onADHD, he says that one of the greatest pains is watching an afflicted child be left out socially is one of the most painful things a parent endures. He is so right. Today on FB I saw a photo of one of his contemporaries bday party. All the buys my son' sage were there. It can feel like such a kick.
I am learning to shift from that into a mental state that is totally different. This goes against all of my training, all of my experience. It will take time but it will. Win out.
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Through a dialogue with a friend when I was 30, I became aware of my expectation of failing. That is the brake to my life. After all of these years it is still operating unconsciously and subconsciously. I am becoming more aware of it now. This is where me focus and intention will be . This has been a large obstacle.but it is time to surmount it.
Even as I wrote this I was hit with a wave of fear. Almost as if surmounting this obstacle is dangerous. It has kept me safe at some point but no longer. It feels something like that fear that keeps me from touching a hot stove but it is misdirected.
I'll focus here for a whole.
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I my vision is coming to focus on my immediate past and presence. Stepping out of the omnipresent shame and anxiety has given me a foundation from which I can see how my mind took on my father's OCPD, scanning my world for what could go wrong, on the lookout for any atom of rejection. I always found the dark. I focused on it, obsessed about it, dwelt in it, inadvertently conjured more of it.
I have long known that the mess of my home was an outward manifestation of my inward state but I thought the solution was to create order by action, acting right, moral cleanliness. The mess was the absence of moral order and so was shaming, producing more debilitating anxiety. It was a complete system, perpetuating itself.
Now that I have broken the fetters of shame and stepped out of the bounds of anxiety, (oh they revisit but their interference is no longer gripping)it is now time to turn to my mind's eye to focus my intention on creating beauty and order in my life.
When I set up my intention I feel awash with internal recrimination, doubt and a ever subtle voice that says I am not worth it, I will fail. I feel the anxiety and shame that accompany that ancient voice. But I am no longer a prisoner so I remind myself and return to the good work that previously was derailed by that internalized false sense of self.
I wonder: will this be more difficult than breaking through the sham shame? Am I more capable because I now have the strength and the knowledge and experience to oppose those false voices? Time will tell. But I do know I will win this battle because even in my darkest days I knew I was persistent.
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I have been moving towards writing about this voice that holds me back, that says "no." This is the next move. When it comes into focus, it has such a force that I recoil from it. I write here to externalizer it, bring it out from"self" in order to differentiate it from my being. I thought for so long, perhaps lifelong that it WAS me. But it is NoT. So now my journey takes me back down into the darkness to shine a light on this crippler. It cannot survive the light but I know that the journey is rocky. At least I know where I am going this time. And better yet I know the outcome.
I am ready.
Stay with me.
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You know your gut feeling?
Well mine has been distorted. My gut feeling has been stuck on ,"No." It is time for me to leave and gut is saying, "No." But now I know what it is and with perseverance and intention I can override it. Moving forward today, one step at a time. Wish me well.
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I see myself in this man's description of where his friends turned fom him. Especially when he writes about their time in Venice.
http://ocdmemoirist.blogspot.com
Now that I have found relief from the debilitating shame and anxiety but find that I am still paralyzed I hav to look at what else is in my way. And I return to mental health issues - OCD?, ADHD? Something else? Certainly something.
I will triumph. I won't give up.
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I've spent the whole morning online searching for a local "money coach" or budget coach...
writing long emails explaining my ADD etc. "Wealth managers" are everywhere but folks
who can patiently do side-by-side support for personal bookkeeping/budgeting (and
won't charge exorbitant hourly fees) are rare as hens' teeth.
I hope something good this way comes.
I hope most of all to get un-paralysed and into motion.
I'm still with you, GS...facing many of the same obstacles -- glad to cheer you on!
hugs
Hops
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I know you are Hops. The only thing I have is a person who can help with bills etc. She happens to be an organizer and advertises herself that way. Try looking for a decent priced organizer and make sure they have certifications for ADHD. Interview them to be sure they are not shaming,
I have
Been searching the Internet for ADHD coach for my child. We are the blindmleadong the blind. The Russell Barkley video refocused memto realize this does not improve
Like a badmhabot. I have been deluding myself. He and I'm oth need the outside stimulation. Our brains don't work to generate that impulse
To move forward. There is a Profound disconnect in our brains. I am working on shifting from the lifelong negative feelings and that will helP everything. It is helPing. I can do this. I can do it for
Lemans Incan do this for my child.
I will find themhealing for my brain as well. I won't give up. Too much to gain.
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I'm reading a post on Facebook, thinking how I love to read about other's passions when it hit me hard how my father not only had no interest in mine but how he trained me to believe noone else would either, unwittingly I developed a resentment of others who shared their joys and whose pastimes were celebrated by others. What a waste!
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Hiya. Looks like I'm just going to be "bopping in/out" here from time to time. Don't have as much to say anymore, and am "doing" (or TRYING to do) more.
I'm not even sure I can work this way, anymore. It doesn't seem to get me anywhere better or useful, to go back into the old memories and feelings - they all pretty much lead the same place: inconsolable grief. For so many things. And that grief can show up all by itself as some bit of life crosses my attention span and triggers a recognition of those experiences. That was one of the things that SOOOOO hard, dealing with my daughters last year - both of them - the one who needed the intervention and the one insisting the intervention was life/death necessary.
What makes it unnecessary, for me to dive back into all that and so unfruitful, too - is that I don't fight the grief anymore. It comes, I cry, I know how it "connects" to what I went (or am going) through - it gets it's 15 minutes of fame recognition - aaaaannnnndddd, I go right back to living my life again. Not fighting it -- allows me to feel all the REST of the possible feelings too.
I'm still working through some things, though. Intimacy with hubs is a big one. Seems not having a father in my life who protected me has some repercussions, too. The rape is an issue again... and ties in with the intimacy issues. And the "theme" of all that is still the old basic: boundaries. Boundaries are GOOD, but they need to have gates in them that allow some people to be welcomed into that space. It's some old fear; I know that.
Old habits and outdated (personal) preconceptions of "shoulds" - those archetypes burnt into our brains about what life and relationships and "the way things are 'supposed' to be or work - can totally get in the way of moving on to another level of growth. If you've only got 2 hands and are trying hold more than 2 things -- which one can you put down?
OH, and my guilt-tapes are triggered a lot lately. Survivor guilt, really. I've got no real life issues of any magnitude to talk about anymore that get in my way of living my life. But, to just sit back & enjoy myself, doing what I like/want to do, and even rediscovering old things that I know I still enjoy (because I talk about them a lot, fondly)??? LOL... right. I feel like something is sneaking up behind me and ready to pounce and upset everything! Because of course, my life had precious few moments like that for years & years, so I got used to the "idea" - which are just silly thoughts that "stick" to the wall like limp spaghetti - I got used to the idea that being happy was "bad", it couldn't last, and I hadn't been anywhere GOOD enough so far, to be "happy" -- and if I thought I was: there was always original sin.
Fortunately, I'm not senile enough to have forgotten to tell that guilt to go take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut. And I imagine being a whirling dervish of a David Caradine, beating that old guilt with a spinning staff until it just goes "poof" like a genie running back into it's alladin lamp... and I yell the command at it to "stay there, too".
There are some weird R-L brain things going on lately, too. Still trying to see what those are. It's more like something is coming together than falling apart. Maybe a good thing?
BIG HUGS for you in your work, GS!!! I know this works for you, in mysterious ways. Make sure you keep one eye open for new ways to work this old stuff... and unexpected breakthroughs. I probably won't be here a lot -- but I do think of y'all and wonder how you're doing.
Amber
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I LOVE the idea of you feeling happy, PR...
and what I hear also--warts and issues waving in the sea of you as kelp always will--
is calm.
Beautiful calm.
I'm so glad.
love to you
Hops
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Amber -
My heart always rejoices to see you here and to read what you have to say. I am taken aback by your candour and your openness to peel back the covers and look at what is with in and then that next step is even more stunning - you share it.
I want to share something I saw on FB today that is relevant to your post though not nearly so elegant. I'm not sure my computer skills will permit to to do that. I'll see.
As always, I wish you peace.
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Ok - time to stand up and pull my own mask off.
I have learned- am learning- that the single most debilitating character flaw that is mine is my inability to commit and follow through. It is and has crippled me life long. No more.
I believe that it has both psychological and neurological components. But I also believe it can be overcome. I do not know exactly what it will take to triumph but I do know that sitting on my couch will not get me there.
If I can overcome the difficult and debilitating and alienating layers of shame, I can over come this.
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Yes, yes, yes! You can overcome!
Yes, yes, yes! You can overcome!
At evenings end the work will be done!
While suddenly you see that it really is fun!
Go G. S.! Go G. S. ! Go go go go gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:
XX
Izzy
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Oh Izzy. How lovely. Thank you for your encouragement. It such a boost.
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Schol begins today for many in my area. The school year is like New Years in the way it is a new start.
I am taking this and building on it as a new start for me as well.
I'm getting to work. Exercise and ordering.
Why is this scary?
I have no idea. But future depends on it.
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Today I began setting small goals, and I'm bringing in outside help. I'm learning so much about this block. For the first time I am getting on touch with some profound anger at my mother. She was cruel in my youth and then I. Her 50s when my father left her she changed abruptly and only talked about me behind my back but was patronizing to my face. But part of what roiled within was her two faced ness and her unapologetic stance for all she had done and not done.
She never once had a smidge of regret for anything she had done. As I clean all of that is coming back to me. Not sure why.
Also noticing that the fear/expectation of exhaustion is part of the obstacle. That comes from the extreme anxiety and over engagement of the adrenals. After the early summer breakthrough that should lessen.
I can do this.
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I am sensing that this is all about self hatred.
Once I get going the overwhelming sense of not being enough bombards me and the panic sets in. Bring this all to consciousness allows me to look at it and adjust, combat the false words. I can do this.
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Well the sham and self criticism came up today. I'm not surprised nor even put back. The shame I broke through this summer was like a hard shell coating - omnipresent and extremely anxiety producing. Nor that that is gone I can handle this shame. It is specifically attached to the mess and the work at hand.
Until that she'll broke anxiety and shame was attached to absolutely every thing and I could not move forward . Now I can and process the stuff as it comes.
One day at a time.
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It's been a good day in ways and difficult as well, learning. I had an organizer and assistant come in to help me begin to cut through the mess, starting upstairs. It was a good start. What made it difficult is all of the old stuff coming to the surface. I'm not sure I can ven write about it though I want to.
I see how what has stood in my way in the past is a complex psychology. The work done recently allows me to deal with the residual which is no small thing but from where I stand now seems significantly more manageable. We shall see.
They come back tomorrow and we finish two of three rooms and then the carpet cleaners come on Wednesday.
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What fantastic progress, GS!
I hope you're loving yourself with dedication...pile on more!
Love I mean.
Not clutter.
KUDOS to you!
Hops
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Thank you Hops!!!
I'll pile it on. I'm getting in touch with more of that yuck. Thank goodness. Don't line it but I would rather b aware of it than in denial. I'm ready to let it go.
I really faced up to several obligations today and knocked them off. This is really helping generate a shift. I wasn't tuned into my negative attitude/fear that I wouldn't get something done. Now I can focus on my intention and do it. I see how success builds on success. I'm asking for help and getting it. That is all new.
An acquaintance onFB asked if any one wanted to get some exercise. I signed up. We're hiking first thing then some one is coming to help me work on cleaning upstairs. I have carpet cleaners coming Wednesday and a plumber the next day. I'm making a list and working on it. This is good.
Big goal is to develop consistency and keep my word. I can do this. I have to clean my kitchen floor so I can go to bed. Tomorrow is a busy day.
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Very tough day. Worked for 4 1/2 hours and more to go.
The work isn't tough, the psychology is. I am hitting deep lows but able to shift my perspective. The lows shine a light on how I got here and the depths of dispair that I have lived in for so long. I will not allow myself to dwell there. I am making progress but there is SO far to go. BUT, I can't get there if I don't chip away day after day. And the chipping away is more than clearing and cleaning. It is also setting goals. Making sure they are reasonable. Not falling into despair. Or lifting myself out.
Bit by bit. Day by day.
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I used to "dial into" a fear, anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It became a dominant state. Now I am intentionally tuning into a thought pattern of looking for the good, believing I will find or generate a positive outcome.
The past two days have found me smack dab back in the old place. I do not choose to dwell there anymore.
I have a plumber coming. It turns my stomach tO have people in my house but I'm doing it. I need my dishwasher to wOrk. I know how I got here. It is not
Because I am a
Disgusting human though I can slip into feeling that way. It is because life
Became too difficult for too long. Now I have a chance to do things differently. That will happen if I let
Go of dwelling in self condemnation and choose to focus on strengths - like my desire and determination to live a fulfilling life.
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I see why this is so hard. It sends me reeling and thrusts me down into the depths. But I can learn to speak back to those not quite conscious voices. I can inoculate myself. Stave it off before it hits.
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I'm writing too much because I have a bit of down time while I am waiting for the organizer. And I am writing too much because I am processing all of this. Seeing in a new way how I got so trapped. Now that the shell of shame cracked aim able to pull myself out of the abyss for the first time in my life and do it consistently. But getting into the muck of stuff I see with such clarity how I got where I am, how the shame slammed me to the floor and would not allow me to lift myself up. Then I pounded myself I further by self- condemnation for my failings. It has been a long life of such a dark spiral. But the outer shell is cracked and I am moving forward, counting each day.
I see how each step of cleaning and organizing would trigger the shame because I had ever let it get that way, because I had not kept things perfectly. My goal is to rejoice in my work to creat order. That will in and of itself be a teiumph - taking pride and comfort and even joy in doing the work, in DOING the work. Not in any specific outcome. My first giant step is pride in moving, doing work. Once I have some consistency in that I can take another step.
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My goal is to rejoice in my work to creat order. That will in and of itself be a teiumph - taking pride and comfort and even joy in doing the work, in DOING the work. Not in any specific outcome. My first giant step is pride in moving, doing work.
This is totally inspiring to me, GS.
Your work and daily determination is helping me reignite mine.
Can't thank you enough for sharing this detailed, daily, dirty struggle to MOVE into action here.
It's such a balm to hear about someone cutting through paralysis with self love.
Thank you again for sharing this day by day unglamorous brave work you ARE doing.
KUUUUUUUUUDos...
xo
Hops
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In touch with resentmentent. Lodged in the base of the spine.
Deep dream/meditation took me to a place of struggle waiting to be set free, enmeshed in others darkness, taken on as my own. Meanwhile the world marched on. So much healing to go, so much pain to walk through to get there.
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Thanks Hops. I have to redirect myself over and over again. Self -love seems so unnatural to me. Focus on it generates a maelstrom of the opposite but when able I hold on to my focus waiting for the storm to pass. Somehow this brings up so much that needs healing.
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Yep...just making the "I am DOING now" decision, over and over...
that's how the new habit will come.
I'm trying to do the same, and I so get why this is an epiphany.
Doing.
Doing.
Doing.
At least as much as ruminating, never letting ruminating win over DOING.
wow wow
Hops
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Next week when I get back from picking up my boy I'll share with you something I've been doing that helps.
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This has been an interesting but difficult journey. I am now finding myself walking through rejection. I see that I could not have done this without breaking through shame.
The rejection is so enormous and sothorough in my life across the ages. The pain is indescribably huge and yet it pales to the pain of shame. I had a dream in which I was called into a room to work on a project. I found myself so angry and acting out in anger. Anger is one of the things that has led to caste swatches of rejection for me. When. I entered that I saw myself caught in a wheel of striving - striving to get things right so I would be included, accepted. Everywhere I turned there was only more rejection.
Coming from a family where acceptance was mixed with obligation and was ripped away at the first error or slip or sign of weakness put me in a state of permanently anticipating rejection, frozen in a damned if you do damned if you don't place of isolation.
Of course I see why I got lost and paralyzed. Now to find healing. It seems impossible but that is not so. Would I could have been through this process 10, 20, or even 30 years ago. The heartache I could have avoided.
This morning I put myself in a meditation of seeing the healing come. I feel that rejection right at the base of my skull and of course that is where the anger is triggered as well. No surprise. Rejection by family as a child is a survival issue and I have been stuck there until all family was gone. Now with courage I will find my way home claiming, looking for and putting on a manual,of healing. Imagining what it must feel like to be able to complete tasks, have friends, be included and move forward.
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As I enter this realm of rejection, the pain is balanced with my newly acquired ability to pull myself out of the abyss.
Because I no longer am fettered by the FEAR of the rejection I am able to stand in the pain and look around, to see how my own reactions to it created more rejection. I remember not really liking the way I behaved at times in my youth and having no control over it. It was painful but at the same time I could not really get a handle on what other things led to rejection. And the rejection wasn't across the board until I began to be bound by the paralysis of expectation of failure and it's repeated experience.
Standing in the rejection. I see more clearly my own role in it. Standing in it now, I could so easily make the shifts. Such sorrow this perspective gives me.
Rationally, I want to just move forward and see what acceptance comes to me and how it will feel. But I also fear that I will never get ou. I have to work to overcome that fear. Fear is a very destructive state. I can think of little good that comes from it.
I'm going to spend a few more minutes holding onto that vision of healing right at the base of my skull, when that fear and anger burst out of, where that sense of rejection hits after the kick to the gut. If I can process that place of rejection and switch the circuits to be one of love and forgiveness rather than anger and fear.
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Really stunning.
This morning a college "friend" posted one of her wedding pictures from decades ago. We actually weren't friends but had many friends in common. I commented on the picture and our mutual friends in it. She posted back suggesting we all meet for a reunion. Regardless of what comes of it. This is indescribable immediate shift in rejection/acceptance.
Could it be a sign of things to come? I can use this to move a level up on letting fear of rejection and failure go. One more level on getting unstuck.
As I move through rejection I see self condemnation still waiting to be shattered.
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GS...
I hope you remember that in self-compassion, is included permission
to not do things in a perfect or absolute way.
If you could hold the new encounter lightly, perhaps allow it to find its
own weight of meaning and no more...it will not be a cosmic test.
If you could invite your healing child to simply enjoy being in that
moment, under some kind but not essential positive regard...a simple
thing, a social welcome, a normal moment that you deserve in this
human community..
Just in this present moment, when you're in it....gently, lightly, being
present with others.
Who have no scorecards. Who have no punishment for you. Who have
no confirmation nor vindication nor power...they are just other inner
children, out for something simple, social...they are not your judge...
Just people. All possessing inner children. And one has invited you
kindly to be in a present moment, without plot or thought or interpretation...
you've been merely, and entirely, welcomed already.
Let her just enjoy. Let little GS just try out being among companions,
just another companion. An unspecial, untoxic, unremarkable moment
of being with others. No past, though pasts may be mentioned. GS is
one among others, a table full of inner children, trying to enjoy a present.
It's all of us, everywhere. Always. We're all just children at the table,
and some days, we leave our trauma at home, try out the sunlight,
the simplicity of sitting together.
love
Hops
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I am learning to. Make my shifts in the pre- thought arena. I have come to notice that I have a feeling in my body before there is a thought. It is before emotions as well. It is a feeling in my body. When I feel it i direct my intentions there, concentrating a healing light or some healing image. It is producing an effect which allows me to actually act. It is intervening before the shame and anxiety enters in. It seems to prevent the genesis of subconscious self,condemning thoughts. This could turn into a major break through. It has helped as I prepare a trip to pick up my child. Already this morning when I delivered my dogs I was able to do so without my lifelong anxiety and self- condemnation.
I have much more work to get over the paralysis but there is movement there. In that regad I have come to be aware of a great resistance. When I have something that must be done, as I hold it in my thoughts and mind I feel a great stranglehold come over me. I am going to apply this same intention to see if I can break it up.
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Feel like I continue to make progress after a sustained lull. This is exciting for me. It renews my hope. The early progress gave me relief and internal peace. This gives me hope for my future.
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Hops, I've always worked that way, coming out of a demanding home with an OCPD father. But I am finding at this stage it is time to step it up and ask a bit more. It is a delicate balance between perfectionism and just sliding by.
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Hiya.
I have one simple suggestion: just be present in your body. In the moment.
No process, no rules, no yardstick of measuring - no judgement - about whether you pass muster to anyone's standards. And remain present, breathing in the empowerment of eye/hand coordination... knowing what's next (without a checklist)... and doing whatever is in front you if it needs doing.
Breathe out the need to categorize, measure, compare, judge, pigeonhole -- anything. If you can breathe, you can be whole - in that moment - and free and powerful and "perfect" (the definition of this perfect is in the cosmic dictionary... and is NOT what you've learned perfect is.)
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What I think I'm seeing in what you've written recently, is that you're dealing with peeling back every single label, judgement, description, etc that was ever licked and stuck to you. Stickers that you've internalized into how you see yourself, feel about yourself, and also how you scribe, deliniate, and limit what you think you can do - or be.
Whatever is under that pile of stickers is YOU. And you is powerful, you know what you want (if you believe that you deserve having what you want), and if you don't know how to get it - you can learn how. It matters NOT if you don't know, if you "should" have learned it years ago... you are where you are right now; you are present; and the ONLY "time" we can do something - truly do something - is in the present. Too many times, I've gotten hung up in "someday"... I'll do _____________. I haven't figured out yet, how to time travel to "someday" and do those things yet! I have a hard time making commitments about the future - because well: we're not THERE yet... and because I've decided to agree with some mouthy, judgemental "sticker"... that I can't be trusted to fulfill my commitments. Despite all the people who say I overcompensate on being reliable.
Don't be surprised, if you don't really know the "you" under the stickers all that well. There are all kinds of things down there at the core - LOL. Some of them are angry and have big teeth... but it's only because that "you" has come to expect that ALL people will ALWAYS judge you to be wanting or less than or strange or... ______________. I still like the feral cat image here: people try to be kind to it -- but it's learned not to trust that anymore, and to claw & bite instead -- because once upon a time, long long ago... someone they trusted to be kind, and accepting, and loving... turned around and was very, very, mean to it and did bad things. And then, the cat both insisted it would never be so "foolish" again... and took responsibility for being hurt & rejected & shamed... when all it wanted was connection, and kindness, to be seen and acknowledged - and accepted.
It takes awhile, but feral cats can learn to trust and be cuddly again.
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Hey, tt! :D
The funny thing about this label stuff... is that "sticks & stones"... gets combined with "the people who "mind" don't matter, and the people who matter, don't mind" somehow.
You'd think parents would be in the latter group. But sadly, that's not always reality. At least, it's true of my mom.
I think the current stuff I'm sorting out (it's non-verbal right now; count yer blessings! LOL) is all Dad-related. Stuff about protection, someone having my back - no matter what, and that opposite sex "acceptance", sympatico and intimacy... someone to stick up for me, in the battle to keep "me" just "me"... and not what my mom said I was.
Without that - I was either at my mom's mercy or in a constant conflict with her. Now, I just gotta figure out how to explain it to that hard-headed, gun shy, feral cat... LOL. Sometimes there are issues, even with the ABSENCE of a parent. Go figure.
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Really stunning.
This morning a college "friend" posted one of her wedding pictures from decades ago. We actually weren't friends but had many friends in common. I commented on the picture and our mutual friends in it. She posted back suggesting we all meet for a reunion. Regardless of what comes of it. This is indescribable immediate shift in rejection/acceptance.
Could it be a sign of things to come? I can use this to move a level up on letting fear of rejection and failure go. One more level on getting unstuck.
As I move through rejection I see self condemnation still waiting to be shattered.
This sounds lovely, GS, it's amazing when those little things happen that make you feel like the work you're doing is making a difference :)
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The moment/s when we move our locus from what "they" think to
what "we" think is/are powerful, I think.
I can sense fears as I prepare to attend a strategic meeting at work...
the strategic team is where so much of the sexism played out and
where the glass ceiling has given me so many headaches.
But when I pull back into myself, protect myself and consider observing
with some detachment, I can take it less personally. It's difficult but
because I am older, wearier, and will have to work many years longer
than they (because my male colleagues are valued more, earn more,
and I can't catch up to the long-term salary disparity now.) As I
look ahead and see the goalpost of rest and retirement move ever
farther down the field...it's hard not to feel some pretty toxic things
toward my boss. He is purring with pleasure these days, profits are
rolling.
Well, nice to get that off my chest, and better get back to detachment.
hugs
Hops
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I've been away for a week - no internet.
Small things happening. But immediately back in a rut which I am determined to break. Last day of rut.
I need a plan. The feeling of being alone and no one connected to is an odd one. It is time to generate connections and goals and start living again.
Being tired is a big impediment. So getting I tired I.e. Taking care of my thyroid and physical health are a key part of it. To to get to work, time to make real changes.
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Trying to deconstruct.
Must commit to battling prison - not avoiding.
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Tomorrow's another day. Structure. Believe. Plan. Vision.
Pitfall: avoidance.
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Yes.
Deep sleep.
Nourishing, protein-packed breakfast.
Back to the do=one=thing, for 1=hour.
One square hour.
It will bring you through.
(This is okay, what you're feeling. It's only alarming because of the old brain grooves.
But those don't get to determine you. YOU are making new grooves.)
One hour today. That might be what's right.
No beating up of self. COMPASSION. ENCOURAGEMENT. PRESENT DOING.
love
Hops
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Right on Hops - no beating up,of self. Encouragemnemt.
I heard a touching TED radio talk by a teacher who gave a child a +2 on his paper because he got 2 out of 20 correct and we all need to focus on what we get right. And he got better. How dear is that. So I'm focusing on what is right. Righting that brain one positive, encouraging thought at a time. Changing those grooves.
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Working hard to keep my focus on what is good.
The old mindset wants to stay put. I have painful dreams involving my mother's push me pull you neglect/rejection/neediness. Could she have had borderline tendencies? I never thought of it until I wrote the second sentence. Not a full blown PD but tendencies. She behaved as misogynistically towards me as did my father, always giving preference to my brothers.
I want to shift towards a different mindset. It is a delicate balance between repressing the pain and keeping my intentional focus on what I want going forward.
My dreams took me to my mothers house which someone we know had purchased. I was in the detached garage and a woman who was working in the garden. She asked whether I would recognize a dogwood and took me to the garage where there was a blooming dogwood in a large pot. There were also white azaleas in several pots and a pot chock full of blooming white hyacinth. It was stunning because they would not have received water or light and yet were thriving.
Also the exterior of the house had been painted. It was lovely. Very subtle changes. I was feeling such angst. Feeling my mother's profound rejection tortuously mixed with longing and longing to belong.
I woke up and did a special meditation for healing in which I envisioned a motherly woman holding me and Christ touching my back behind my heart sending healing light/energy. It was so gentle and relieving.
I got up and got to work, holding my mind and heart in an image and a feeling of belonging. It will get easier over time.
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I am rediscovering how incredibly sensitive I am.
It does not make this transition easy. I take things to heart but I also feel stings from long ago as though they are now. I am learning to change. Step by step.
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It was stunning because they would not have received water or light and yet were thriving.
Oh my gosh. GS, when I read this it hit me immediately that those gorgeous white and THRIVING blooms are you.
Yes, yes.
Keep on.
love
Hops
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I worked hard today. It felt great. A real accomplishment. No so much the work ( though it was) but especially my success today in keeping my mind set in the right place. When sorrow and anger and loss and resentment overcame me (and they did) I noticed and then I turned my attention forward not allowing the past to paralyze me today. Tomorrow is another day. Each day that I generate some external structure I make progress. I cannot afford to shut down.
It takes determination to turn around from the longing that has gripped me for so long. But I see clearly that it only stole from me and never was satisfied. I cannot follow that any more.
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Thank you, GS,
I have been sliding.
Your story reminds me that I can't afford to either.
You really are doing it, and it's powerful.
love
Hops
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I am working on Phil Stutz', "The Tools" tool for imaging love towards others. It has already helped me several times this morning. It may revolutionize my life. The other thing that will help is exercise. I have just learned of an inexpensive promotion for joining the YMCA. I will do that today.
Exercise, diet and intentional love.
Each day I work towards being stronger and better is a productive day.
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I met both Stutz and Michels last year when they spoke in my area (Los Angeles), their presentation was interactive and interesting. I participated and Stutz asked me questions that were memorable, such as how I would be different if my shadow were not a problem for me.
This past weekend was not a good one for me, I went on a girls vacation with a friend and I think our friendship is over because I cant handle what she said about my being bitter about my life situation. Not sure I want to remain friends with her, I just want to move on, not sure the friendship is worth the time/effort to save, but still sad to see it end, especially over this. I should not have to feel bad about feeling bad. When I left I was sad, I was pretty sure she said what she needed to say and then wanted to leave even though our plan was to stay later at the hotel and go into town for lunch. :(
It stung badly especially after I told her about the other two friendships I told her I felt were over. They became frenemies, being nice and celebrating my birthday in the same night they tell me to try temp work after a very successful career. Not hurt with those two, but not happy either, not feeling supported by people I confided in, I felt insulted and belittled.
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I met both Stutz and Michels last year when they spoke in my area (Los Angeles), their presentation was interactive and interesting. I participated and Stutz asked me questions that were memorable, such as how I would be different if my shadow were not a problem for me.
This past weekend was not a good one for me, I went on a girls vacation with a friend and I think our friendship is over because I cant handle what she said about my being bitter about my life situation. Not sure I want to remain friends with her, I just want to move on, not sure the friendship is worth the time/effort to save, but still sad to see it end, especially over this. I should not have to feel bad about feeling bad. When I left I was sad, I was pretty sure she said what she needed to say and then wanted to leave even though our plan was to stay later at the hotel and go into town for lunch. :(
It stung badly especially after I told her about the other two friendships I told her I felt were over. They became frenemies, being nice and celebrating my birthday in the same night they tell me to try temp work after a very successful career. Not hurt with those two, but not happy either, not feeling supported by people I confided in, I felt insulted and belittled.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ales2))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Ales 2,
My heart aches to read your post. I am sorry to hear about your experience with your friend this past weekend. It is so human to need compassion . That is what friendship should provide. I believe that bitterness needs compassion to be healed. Sadly she didn't have much to give.
Concerning your frenemies - it is so easy to tell others what they need to do. Again they lacked the compassion to see what you needed and had to give.
When I find myself in a similar place (and it has been frequent) I get comfort from the suggestions in the prayer attributed to St. Francis, in particular giving love when I am in need. That ties right back into Stutz and Michels "tools". I find it much easier to practice where it is least important like I did yesterday with a curt librarian. I was irritatd but chose to concentrate on sending him a feeling of love. Don't know what it did for him but it helped me immensely.
I so love learned that you participated with "the Tools" guys. I think their work is right on target for me.
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I have had a light shown on one of my major flaws. It was right there on hehe surface. When it was pointed out to me I had to see that it has been clear as the nose on my face and yet I have been oblivious.
But then again , I think the timing is right. Until now I could not have handled the responsibility of looking my flaws in the face.
Years ago I was running with a friend. He was a superb athlete and I could not keep up. When we finished he asked me what I was thinking as I was running. With some prodding from him I finally answered that I was saying to myself,"I can't do it. I can't do it." He told me that I needed to shift my internal message..That was the first time I saw how negative my self talk was.
As I child, I had very controlling parents. Qthey were in full charge until I was 22 and then they were not. No conversation. Just all but physically absent. It took me decades to even see what had happened. As a child, there was no room for error. Errors were opportunities to destroy me.
All of this left me in a child like psychological state - in need of, looking for a parent to guide me, to pick me up when I fell, to show me the way and let me try again until I got it right. This was so totally lacking throughout my life. And quite naturally, society expects people to act like adults and not to have hands held along the way.
Much of my longing for "mother" was to have my hand held, to help and advise and encourage. With my mothers death and the subsequent horrific sabotage of all that is dear to me by my brothers, I find myself free in a way that I could not have expected.
I no longer have family but I also no longer have those ties that bound and fettered me, that hope of being loved and nurtured. Now I must bring it to myself. Now it is time to learn to be accountable in a different way. Not out of fear of rejection. That has been the only force that has governed me. Unable to move because it would be wrong and waiting for, longing for the authority on high to fix. Now it is time to tap into a force of love and kindness, a higher energy, that encourages and loves.
In some ways I have no idea how to proceed. And in other ways I have been collecting tools along this lengthy journey.
I needed pity and compassion as a child. The search and longing for pity starve me of my own strength and self actualization. Compassion we al need. I will be vigilant concerning my longing for pity and fill that with a connection to a powerful image of love.
I must become a person who is strong enough to keep my word, my commitments. It feels very scary to write that as it taps right into my fear of not being enough.
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Tear tracks - thank you for your post. I have entered a phase where I am am to take more responsibility for my situation. I have seen my role but my pain and powerlessness was too great. I was stuck as a victim and aware of it but unable to move out of it. I now have one foot in and one foot out. I was a victim but staying there is Bo comforting and destructive. I am drawn back but must push forward. The power is not there and for decades little has changed so I know I must move forward.
Deep in my heart it believe the work I have been doing will propel me forward as I push forward. We shall see.
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Thanks GS for your kind words and encouragement.
The Tools is interesting because I think it blends psychology (the Shadow/Inner Authority Tool), New Age/Faith (Grateful Flow and Loving action tool) and 7 Habits/practical/business productivity tool (Jeopardy and Reversal of Desire tools). Obviously for most of us here the Shadow issues are NWounds and voicelessness, asseriveness and autonomy and resulting wounds and triggers that keep us small and stuck or in ruts, like me not being able to be vulnerable with others without fearing judgment, which is exactly what my friend did. Oddly enough with this friend, she dislikes "phony" people which is what I would be if I pretended to be and glossed over things that hurt me. But somehow, for me, I have to rely more on myself (maybe a gift or blesssing) and be more autonomous so I need fewer confidants. I think this is also partly where I did not do well in therapy, I must have not seemed capable of getting the feedback I need to move on. Not sure, but do wonder about that. When I feel judged and belittled, it ends friendships for me, so not sure how I will feel in 30 days about this.
Thanks GS and thanks Bones for the hugs. Love to you all here on the board.
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TT - that is a thought provoking post.
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In some ways I find myself starting over. I have been where I am now in this 4 step process. But now I am addressing a different issue. Clearly I needed to be stronger before I could do it. I will be building myself up and generating confidence to tackle this one.
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GS,
This is so powerful. Everything you have written on this thread is so empowering. I assume it's empowering to you, but it's also empowering to me and probably others who read this. You Go Girl!!!
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Last nght I noticed that this work is slow. But I reassured myself that it is deliberate, shifting from a lifetime of dark, and inculcated beliefs that I am deficient and not worthy twisted in knots with determination, looking to be rescued and a sense of dormant strength and capability. I am determined to Sally forward knowing that this cordial k otmwill unravel.
Then last night I had a powerful dream. My family was all in a room. It had a feel of both a crowed but chic storefront and a feeling of a living space.'plus there was a sense of gathering for travel. We were all dressed in white and the room was white. I was in the right ,'back corner, facing the back. My brother and his wife were to my left when my brother reached over
And began going through my drawer and shelf to take some valuable thongs that belonged to me. I felt so frustrated and violated and impotent. I stood up to petition my parents/father knowing it was in vain, feeling knocked weak by the agony of injustice. But there, in the front of the room, near my father was TRUTH, in human figure. He stepped in and reprimanded my brother who returned my belonging. I knew there Apuleius
Retribution holding overly head. And yet I perceived a shift - very subtle - a shift in my favor. Keeping my eye and mind on that man of TRUTH I came to see that all the lies, and inhumanity could be
Left
Behind.
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So. Uh seems to be shifting. The image of that figure in my dream has been with me all day . So many things I have read and thought about for years refer to Channing your brain and your circumstances by holding the image and/or the feeling that you want to live into. The shift in the feeling from being victimized yet again, of feeling the injustice and powerlessness to connecting with the powerful presence and feeling his strength is quite remarkable.
I will hold onto this image for some time to come.
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This morning has already been difficult. I have been relentlessly bombarded with thoughts and feelings of rejection and humiliation and such. None of it from current life. All from the past.
Bit by bit I acknowledge it, name it and allow it to flow past feeling my body at firs tense with resistance and then relax as I let it go. In this,process I become aware of how I have held this in me all these years. I become aware of how I can let it slide past, with some effort, some intention, some understanding. It is beginning to be more of a choice. I am beginning to have controll over it rather than the other way around.
I am angry and I am tired. I am angry that this has been my life long battle. And I am tired from the battle. I wake up tired and I go to bed tired.
But I want to shift that way of thinking. Rather than declaring myself tired, I choose to be getting stronger, becoming whole, getting well. Tiredness is but a symptom of the struggle, of the disorder, the disease. But as I journey through, I choose to take actions of getting stronger, physically and mentally.
The spoils,of rejection and isolation have taken a toll but they need not be permanent.
Day by day, I become more and more aware of how my perceptions shape my being. The fear and the trauma are from the past but I can surmount the pain and the damage from them. Keep my focus on the goal, on the healing. Bit by bit, I am moving in that direction. There are hurdles left to surmount.
But dispair cannot be part of the journey. Despair IS a hurdle. Despair and desperation have the same root. I know all too well that desperation is destructive - alienating. I can choose to believe in a better life and avoid slipping into desperation.
Second only to desperation is the state of - I need a new word - I am no longer paralyzed but it is more of periods of sitting out rather than a permanent state. More avoidance than paralysis. That is definitely an improvement. Now it is time to overcome avoidance.
As I write this I feel powerless and weak against the avoidance. But that is a joke. It is small,potatoes next to paralysis. And though I don't yet have a plan I do know that I can and will overcome it. I am finding the way. I did not event Alize that I had moved past paralysis until I just wrote it. It is natural to feel fear. I am afraid to face the avoidance. It is very comforting. But it is wholly destructive and life sapping.
Fear of changes is natural. But I can keep my focus on what is on the other side. All,along I have believed that there is better waiting for me, available for me. I make the choice to believe that the desire for better will win out over the comfort of avoidance.
Why is avoidance so compelling? Because it avoided the omnipresent belittling and the encounter of resentment and rejection which my parents felt towards me. Hold this in mind - that my battle over resentment is a battle over avoidance. The two are inextricably linked. As this shows itself to me I feel beaten down. But as I have experienced, this is merely part of the process, dark before light. I am willing, though not without reluctance, to enter this battle.
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I fight this fight against avoidance.
Or I DON'T fight it, which is worse.
Sometimes I feel entitled to not deal with the things I dislike or find uncomfortable.
That dog won't hunt....
I'm cheering, learning, GS -- thank you,
Hops
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I'm hanging with you Hops.
I am resistant to change even as I find that my life depends on it. Such a battle.
Friday, on NPR's SciFri, a professor spoke about research into ways of learn g. At one point she states that when we come across something that is difficult the portion of our brain that responds to pain is activated - we actually feel pain. BINGO! She spoke my language.
As I completed one chore avoiding the bigger one awaiting me today, I thought of this and I thought too of how many techniques dealing with painful memories depend on rewriting the memories, associating an activity with something pleasant replacing the unpleasant association. These techniques run the gamut for holding your finger and thumb together while certain thought patterns are run through to EFT tapping to yoga and more.
But in no circumstances can the pattern be rewritten if you don't do the work.
Here's believing I can avoid the avoidance today. It makes me think of people is survival situations who are drawn to give into the sleep inthe freezing cold but who fight it off to survive. I am drawn into avoidance and it will killme if I don't fight for life.
Fight for life rather than fighting off death. Semantics matter. Struggle keeps the thing alive. I am so probed to struggle but the struggle must be for the good rather than against the ad.
I see incremental shifts and I long for significant changes. Increments are good but they are not sufficient.
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Here is something I recognize. Don't know how to use it yet.
When I have a deadline, I begin to fret about it for hours. I go into delay, avoidance. And either at the 11th hour I pull through though usually in a slap ass way. Or I completely abandon it.
Now I know it and must find a way to change it.
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This pain will not kill me. It makes me very tired. I loath the fatigue. But not facing the pain, not stepping into it to make change, that will kill me.
I am about to step into the pain. Each and every day moving forward I am going to step into the pain and record it to skiwear myself the results.
I already know the results of not stepping into it.
I am going yo do it with my mother in mind, as a way to show her, with love, that stepping in could gave released her and will release me.
I contacted a couple to help me move boxes and a washer. They did not show. I allowed that to shut he down. I fear the fatigue but it must ge done. The storage pod will be picked up tomorrow. I am hoping yo call them now. I have put it off. If they don't come i will have to do it myself. I can.
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I called. They are coming. The woman is very depressed. I have great compassion for her. But I have to protect myself because I can slip just from being around it.
I'm facing the pain, in spite of the desire to avoid. Life is in facing the pain. I must remind myself over and over.
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I am working waiting for the people to come help. With each step, my mother is there and there is nothing I can do to get her to connect. The pain is powerful. It helps me understand some of the forces that have entrapped me.
Feel the pain and do it anyway. The pain is where the life blood is. That is the motivation. Life, living life.
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The pod filled with my mother's belongings in finally emptty. It is something that I hav no words for. It has me twisted and turned in many directions. But I am thankful that the pod can be take away tomorrow. I am also thankful that I had a plan and followed through, even when it didn't seem to be happening.
It is important for me to continue ie forward. Critical. Fel the pain and do it anyway.
I was thinking that early in the summer I was able to face the physical pain and anxiety of the constant shame, name it, talk to it and shift my mind to a different place away from it. Remembering this helps encourage me with this portion of the journey. To know that I have moved forward only a few months ago.encourages me to know that I can do it again. To be able to say to myself and another human, " I will get this done" and have faith that it is so will be life changing. Knowing that action is life and avoidance is death, helps me move.
As I was moving things from the pod, I remembered a time when I was with my father and a country worker looking at a River cabin that had been in my father's family for generations. My father didn't want to bother paying to meet the roof fixed. It had to be fixed to save the house. The man looked at my father and said, "Sir, you are a wealthy man. I am not, but I wouldn't hesitate to fix this house for my daughter. Why won't you do it?" That was a brave man. He wanted the work and yet he was confronting a man who would decide yea or nay. Of course the answer was nay. There would be no help then, not before, not later. My parents simply ne'er saw any reason to help out their children.
I look at pictures of family celebrations of families who we were friends with as children., and I can't help but wonder where our lives went off the rails. It saddens me and then I remember that with action I can rebuild my life. Only with action.
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((((((((((GS)))))))))))
Nothing too specific or that you'd rather not share, but for my little literal
brain, would you mind clarifying what the overall project is for me?
Is it clearing excess "stuff" out of the house you live in?
Selling parents' "stuff" you have to deal with? Or moving it into another place?
I guess I'm not clear on why mother's stuff in a pod is being emptied.
Densely,
Hops
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It is a long and complicated story Hops. But the short is, that my portion of my mothers belongings have been in a pod in my driveway. This past week I cleared space in my basement to move those hints in. That is the short version.
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I saw a post on Upworthy with is a performance piece by a young man suffering from depression. He talks to it. A therapists
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Thanks, GS...that clears up my fog!
I'm soooooooooooo excited for you.
xxoo
Hops
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I am realizing that I am still on the same path as in June. The old pattern resonated with anxiety, fear and shame. That is much improved and the "base" energy is higher now than then. But it is still relatively low. When I connect with higher energy, with healing, I feel a dissonance and it is unpleasant, painful, causes me to recoil and seek solace with the pain. I see how that is working.
But that is where me work is. I continue to intentionally focus on healing. Each moment that I do I feel a dischord and immediately want to retreat to the avoidance. But the healing is staying with that higher energy. I can connect to it simply by thinking, "I want to connect to healing." It is that simple. But it takes concentrated effort to stay with it.
It also takes focus to recognize what causes me to retreat. The work in June was significantly more difficult than now. I have to remind. Yield because even now, I find it quite painful and am inclined to give up. But I won't. I am eager to see what the next level of healing will produce. I am already seeing some of the fruits. By the end of September I expect to see great progress.
The biggest difference since June is truly a wholly different continence. I am hopeful, more patient, less anxious and less fearful. I am more inclined to look for the good and the positive outcome. And it is coming without hard work. The next level of healing will be to make commitments to myself and others and keep them. It is profound fear and patterning from early life that intervenes now.
There was so much that came from my parents to cut off success and good things and relationships. So much control and jealousy and destruction.and it started at a very young age. It is so antithetical to what any normal parent would do.
Seeing it and being able to face it.
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I feel chronically tired. Every time I feel tired and discouraged and hopeless today I am going to remember my higher power and connect to that energy. Can't wait to see how it turns out.
Believing that it will be good is a good starting place.
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Having made my declaration about facing pain this morning I have opened myself to an onslaught. It is
Pouring on. I learned years ago that resisting anything keeps it present in entanglement.
It is difficult to be present in the pain and not resist, repress or avoid. I am thrown back in time to memories long lost, memories of profound hopelessness and despair, desperation. Seeking but
Finding no help, no understanding. It fills me with sorrow, beyond description. This
Journey is so painful, back through that repressed pain across my life. The rejection and failure is indescribable, but there is another side and,I will get there. I am holding on and trying to stay loose letting go of
The tense reaction that never brought me through
Before.
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Hi GS ,
I understand being stuck....within the last year I found a therapy that worked for my early trauma. Have you heard of EMDR ?
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a fairly new, nontraditional type of psychotherapy. It's growing in popularity, particularly for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
EMDR appears to approach psychological issues in an unusual way. It does not rely on talk therapy or medications. Instead, EMDR uses a patient's own rapid, rhythmic eye movements. These eye movements dampen the power of emotionally charged memories of past traumatic events.
If you suffer from PTSD, what can you expect during an EMDR treatment session -- which can last up to 90 minutes? Your therapist will move his or her fingers back and forth in front of your face and ask you to follow these hand motions with your eyes. At the same time, the EMDR therapist will have you recall a disturbing event. This will include the emotions and body sensations that go along with it.
Gradually, the therapist will guide you to shift your thoughts to more pleasant ones. Some therapists use alternatives to finger movements, such as hand or toe tapping or musical tones.
People who use the technique argue that EMDR can weaken the effect of negative emotions. Before and after each EMDR treatment, your therapist will ask you to rate your level of distress. The hope is that your disturbing memories will become less disabling.
Although most research into EMDR has examined its use in people with PTSD, EMDR is also used to treat many other psychological problems.
More than 20,000 practitioners have been trained to use EMDR since psychologist Francine Shapiro developed the technique in 1989. While walking through the woods one day, Shapiro happened to notice that her own negative emotions lessened as her eyes darted from side to side. Then, she found the same positive effect in patients.
EMDR appears to be a safe therapy, with no negative side effects.
This therapy has help me lift myself out of old patterns and a sort of shaking off of what does not serve me...I will always be grateful to my Talk Therapy Doctor who kept me "safe' until I could find my way to new healing patterns. I hope this is helpful....
Sending love and light always.
Moonlight
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((((((((((MOON!)))))))))
It's a joy to hear you.
I went to my T Monday and was so discouraged. Teared up. Tried to explain
the overwhelment, the habit of failure (with my own personal mountains of things
I need to do to move my life forward better). He asked, are you feeling defeated by
the ADD? I said YES. It was a watershed.
We backtracked to the very simple steps. The beginner steps. Like: Setting a timer,
going to sit in the room where the hard (mentally hard) tasks are...seeing what I can
shift for a SET amount of time. Following that with a timed REWARD period.
Seems so silly, at my age, as it's kind of like learning structure like a kindegartener.
But I don't care. It does work, so I'm grateful to be kind of "resetting" myself.
love
Hops
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Hi ya Hops .....
Yes always small steps....is key...I live in the now fully .Still love was and is always the answer until I could love me I could not rest. All I know is Love never fails. You know I never shared with the board my older sister left the family 20 years ago...a struggle between her and another family member. So I understand that kind of loss as well...Not easy...and yet the beauty of love surrounds my heart. So grateful for each new day. I think of you and GS so often ....and when I first came here...so hurt and afraid....I am grateful for understanding.
Love to you and so much more
Moon
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Moonlight,
How wonderful to hear from you. I have thought of you often across the years. You have always exuded love and kindness. It is so wonderful to see you here again. And thank you for sharing about EMDR. I have indeed heard of it but have not tried it but I will look to see if I can find a practitioner.
I am so determined to replace these negative brain patterns with higher energy ones. I wake in the morning with dark phrases coursing through my thoughts. This morning I had to replace phrase like, "I hate you." And others which I found myself repeating over and over when I first came to consciousness. That is the norm for me. And I know it has a good bit to do with why I developed the pattern of avoidance.
Yesterday, I got quite a bit accomplished. I am beginning to see a difference. Yet I have so far to go. It is important to stay encouraged and to keep the work up. One room is truly looking like it should and another very close. It is a great comfort. I can definitely keep these two. The work to dig,out is hard - not so much physically though that is a component, but psychologically. But I am finding ways to get the help I need and that is new for me as well.
I realized this morning that getting the mind in the right place is essential. Getting the mind in the right place will make getting the physical done much easier. But I also need to get the body healed as well.
In the next couple of weeks I hope to begin getting up and going earlier. I am losing precious time in the morning because when I wake the thoughts and depression and heavy. The sense of looming doom is greatest. The feelings of failure and rejection are heavy. As I begin to move they seem to lessen.
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GS,
I relate and deeply understand the importance of that just-waking state, and getting it
to be a welcoming space of hope, love, and possibility. That is wonderful, core growth--
you are so tuned in to the voices from your psyche and engaging them with a different
energy than was your habit. I so get this--that first moment of consciousness, hearing
one's self-talk, can be a shock. And also a solution.
Befriending your morning. I want to do that too.
I wonder if a short-term journal exercise at NIGHT, just before sleeping, might help?
Such as, simply writing no more than a paragraph that is simple, comforting, loving,
and with no negative references--setting your intention to wake into gentleness.
(Like hypnosis, journaling can address and help heal the subsconscious, because there
is such a strong connection between handwriting and the brain.)
Preaching to myself, too--with love,
Hops
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So eloquent and kind Teartracks.
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The mornings continue to be the time of greatest struggle. Mid day, the hustle and bustle of life intercedes. Night time is a time of tiredness.
I am working on building up my strength so that I might accomplish more in evenings and move into a place of comfort in e morning.
When I am in pain, deep in my being, I feel a nudge to turn to help and it always has a call of mother. It is an ancient cal, an ancient longing. But for me that call has always come up wanting a responce. Was it more hollow as a child when I did not yet understand that my mother should be there for me? Was it worse when she was living and it was abundantly clear that she simply would not answer? It doesn't matter which was worse but it is time for that longing to let go, to leave me alone, to find a healing.
I am tired today. I know there will never be a human who provides comfort and understanding. That longing will never be fulfilld. But there is still healing to come. There is still hope of life without the daily gnawing of pain from deep within the soul. And I will relentlessly peruse that healing.
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Today the pain is as bad as ever. That might be part of the process because I am figuring out more and more.
Things I have been writing aboutt for some time, years even seem to be rising to the surface to be exposed and expunged. It is "mothering", the longing for , the needing of and the lack of in spite of the presence of a living mother who never ceased in declaring her love in spite of the gross negligence of basic mothering acts.the complete lack of acknowledgement by any other human being as to the absence of love or nurturing by my mother. The pain is enormous.
But I want it to surface. I cannot heal it until it does.
With the pain comes anger and and overwhelming sense of futility.
So many pieces,of the pie.
If I did not have this place to come to I would not survive.
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((((GS))))
I'm sorry you're surfing a wave of pain today. Breaaaaaaaaaaathe.
I know it will pass and your new knowledge and emotional discovery (that hope is real) will smooth the waters.
It is a process as you so know. But the "steps back" (2 forward, 1 back) still feel so shocking.
DON'T BELIEVE THE "BACK"! It's okay to go through it but it is not more real or meaningful than the FORWARDS.
Which you've lately had more and more of, because you're building a new sense of self. You really are.
Occurred to me that one reason I mentioned my latest T session is that he surprised me.
I was bent over, teary with frustration when he asked me if I felt defeated.
If I can convey this correctly it'll be clear that he is NOT being hurtful (this is a very compassionate, kind,
good man...Quaker background even). But what he said a moment later startled me (because I suddenly
realized he was NOT being dismissive of my pain--he simply has a different/alternate perspective that he also calls on).
After I'd expressed it in some detail for a while, he said, "Yes. But you're just dealing with the feelings."
I was not hurt! Instead, it hit me that he meant--Yes, these feelings are real and valid and it's fine to
recognize them as we have been. And your solution is THEN in...action. While/during/even in spite of...the eelings.
So we starting talking about the simple action steps, to help me get into motion. Unstuck.
I've seen him for several years and have developed deep trust. Hit me, too, that he's...a guy.
More practical, solution-focused, action-steps kind of thinking. While he's also very insightful and
compassionate about my losses and their causes and my grief...no complaints there at all, comes a point
when NOT out of impatience but just because he ALSO has this energy in his quiver...he'll say, Yes, that's the
feelings, and now are you able to focus on actions to take?
Never punishes or pushes me. But just, that day, I was suddenly able to hear it without any resistance or
shame. He was just saying, accurately, "Now you're just dealing with the feelings." As in...like the weather,
they'll always be part of your experience. And...here's this other part I can also help with--action steps. In
small measurable, ADD-manageable chunks.
I think all the emotional processing, as it is doing for you, eventually opens room for simple doing.
To me, that was an epiphany. The doing IS getting easier. And it's all because the shame has slowly
leaked away.
Hope that's apt in some part in some way, GS...
love,
Hops
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If I get through the morning then the days seem to be good.
I have an early day tomorrow. Before I go to bed tonight I am going to follow the advice of today's Facebook post by Wayne Dyer and speak encouragingly to myself. Can't wait to see what that does for me in the morning.
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Sending pure, simple, truthful and hopeful white light your way, GS.
Filling the rooms.
love
Hops
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Last night I was alone. I worked hard to not let the depression settle in. I was tired and went to sleep very early. I had dreams of being so very alone. When I awoke the loneliness and paralysis were back. But I am very aware that it is a state of mind. I will cut through it. I saw a post today about how to set your mind so the loneliness does not overtake you.
My goal is to get moving this morning. I have several things to do.
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Thanks Hops. Yesterday was much better. I got going early and it was good.
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Today, I'm feeling a sprout of my fathers condemnation rising up. It is a thread of feeling that carried with me through out me life, it is tied to every single memory. I welcome its emergence as I can replace it when it surfaces to the light. It's real damage is done in the darkness.
. I know the pain and tend to repress it without thought . But when I see what is happening I welcome it I spite of the pain because in the open it can be dealt with. It's damage is not done when I am fully conscious of it. S I must alow it to emerge I spite of its accompanying pain, knowing that this pain will be released when the condemnation is released.
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Today, I am consciously present in the midst of my fathers crushing condemnation. I must be thrown back to a time long ago. I am aware, in a new way, that this pain is not from today. Until now I have scanned my being to figure out what about this moment is im mandating the pain and then attached it to any flaw.
That is part of the mechanism of the paralysis.
It does not come from today. It is now coming from within which means that I can, with work, harness the power to uproot it. It was given root when none of the witnesses called my fathers condemning punishments "wrong." My mother chose to save herself over her only daughter time and again. I remember only one time she spoke up for any one of us and he did turn his fury towards her. It was frightening as a child but it was not more than she should have stood up for for her children.
Today I am going to be aware of where this pain comes and do something to uproot it.
There are several small things going on in my life that need addressing but that have reminded me of this place of pain and powerlessness. But most of all the place where there is no sympathy, no empathy. It is a wretched existence to be a suffering child with no place at home to seek solace.
I find myself driving along everyday aware of a quiet longing in my mind for the solace and empathy from "mother". Each time I am hit hard by the upbraiding that my mother never offered me comforting. That pain is so large.
I make a conscious effort to offer empathy to my child. I know the need and importance of it.
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Had I known as a child what I know today, I would have known to die my time in my fathers home and then to get a far away as possible, leaving all behind, seeing the fruits as nothing but tempting but poisonous to my soul and my being.
Time is irrelevant. I see it now.
This is what Peter Levine writes in Waking The TigerIs the thing that saves some from trauma, a vision of a way to save themselves.
I have read many examples of it in literature. Stories about oppressed people are replete with them. The survivors wait patiently for their opportunity.
Railing about the injustice mires one in the muck. Doing something about it in the midst of indignity is like the donkey climbing up the shit piled on to to get out of the well.
Today I am getting glimmers of memories about feelings rather than actions.. It is those feelings that have mired me. It is the feelings that I can shift. Vision changes those feelings. It has been demonstrated in modern neuroscience though it has Been known for years Ito ancient mystics and ancient spirituals traditions.
There is a way out. It is not pain free. In attempting to allude pain, more is created in our wake. I am better able to see it in others but am aware of it in myself. For now the pain of knowing that I cause others pain is more than I can bear. But I will have to look at it soon enough.
I long to pull the blanket over my head today and avoid the world but it is only in engaging that I will overcome this extreme pain. S I am moving forward now. I Wil see tomorrow row and next week and next month what fruits are born from this.
-
I don't know why the pain is so excruciating today. I looked up an EMDR practitioner and will call on Monday. I hope this makes a difference. When I did CranioSacral a couple of years ago there were still some missing pieces to my understanding. It's feeling more complete today. I wonder if that will make a difference.
I'm ready to take responsibility for holding into the pain. Wonder if that will help.
Really, really ready for it to give me a break.
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I long ago connected with Cinderalla. She was rescued. For years I denied that I saw myself as a victim. The problem is not being a victim of someone else, it is staying in that role. Staying a victim is powerless. I waited to be rescued, waitied for my father, my mother' to release me, to own their part, to discuss third with me - anything, how to live, how to achieve, how to deal with struggles, how to do things right, what is important, what is of value, on and on. I was never something other than an unwanted guest who was kept shut out of the knowledge of how things work.
But I have the power to free myself. I must let go of the powerless position of wanting, waiting for an outside force to change things for me.
I have made some progress in this but there is more to do.
-
I have the power to free myself. I must let go of the powerless position of wanting, waiting for an outside force[/quote
Wow.
Just, wow.
Thank you!
Hops
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Afternoon much better. If I get up and get going the day is best. That is very telling.
We joined the Y today and have used a guest pass this week. Getting exercise is important and I have not exercised on a very long time. This will be very helpful. More work done today. A piece of furniture moved upstairs. A broken car removed. Exercise done. Now I need to clean the kitchen and prepare some broth and chili. I also got the car cleaned out and vacuumed.
I think of myself as not worrying but that is not so. I realize that I spend hours fretting over work that takes only an hour or two. I think I can do something with this understanding how I fret and how worthless it is, that doing the work is less stressful than fretting.
There are some other things about the work that comes from childhood: not having enough resources, needing help and having to do it alone. I would be given assignments that were beyond my ability and would face such anger when I couldn't do it well. But I thnk even had I completed tasks perfectly that I would have been the object of his wrath and her disgust and shunning.
So today, I spent some time facing some tasks as though he was right there railing. I imagined someone there supporting and encouraging me in spite of the vitriol coming from my internalized father and then in the midst of these memories, I sent universal love his way. That exercise kept me from being caught up in opposing his cruelty. I don't want to be Held in tension with it.
-
Today it is church and then start to reclaim yard.
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Today I had my washing machine hooked up finally. The only major functioning item not working is the TV and I am on the fence about having cable. It just seems like such a gouge.
I worked for a couple of hours on one of the upstairs rooms. We are really making progress. I'm beginning to see a difference. Steady, steady.
We exercised again today. I think it makes a difference. The emotional pain is noticeably less afterward.
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GS:
I can't relate much to father issues. Mine just wasn't there enough; and I knew I wasn't getting rescued. To me, fathers are super-heroes that only exist in comic books and movies; a myth I've not experienced in person.
But the mothering -
we are human; we ALL want to be taken care of. To feel "safe" and "protected" and loved for who we are. It's a heart-instinct, you know?
I don't know if your experience was like mine: but I developed stainless steel, titanium-alloy, carbon-fiber armadillo scales that would explode if you tried to touch them (they were that heat-sensitive) on my "outside". So that NO ONE wanted to take the chance to take care of me. :D Know what I mean? I would literally, instinctively, "warn" people off trying to even talk to me.
I simply wouldn't allow it -- it was a THREAT, because I expected more from people in other types of relationships than they were offering (because I was sooooo needy for that mothering and sooooo empty) and so: to avoid facing that void; the abyss -- I simply avoided those kinds of relationships all together.
It's a paradox; the one thing one needs the most, becomes the biggest threat to one's security.
Sometimes, ya just gotta "boldly go where no man has gone before"... :D
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Skeptical - I have seen that response in several people even children. It always saddens me to the core. I have no idea if I did that or not but I do know that I pushed people away as I got older with resentment and bitterness. While I was aware of my actions I saw them as logical reactions and was unable to understand why that pushed people away.
.of course now I get it. And now is what I have to do something differently.
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I continue to move forward, focusing on developing visualization a of being loved and accepted and included with support and understanding.
Those images came to me last night throughout the night, entering my dreams off and on. It was a night of difficult sleep as I had eaten something that made me sick. But the good of it was the opportunity to see these dream scenes which were comforting. Eah one transforming from powerlessness to the ability to transform.
Now to bring it to life.
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Oh goody, maybe I can be useful on something here...
When I investigated (me, that = hours of research) "cutting the (cable) cord"--
I found the best, most uber-recommended by geeks of all sorts plus frugality types and folks who
analyse household budgets and TV watching, etc., I found out:
If you are motivated to remove the cable company's paw from your wallet, and you
can visualize being okay seeing network programs one day after broadcast, then consider:
1) DON'T order cable.
2) Purchase a ROKU box from a big-box store or online. (About $50).
https://www.roku.com/meet-roku (https://www.roku.com/meet-roku)
I have the simplest. It is amazing.
3) Purchase a "Leaf" antenna. (About $40.)
http://www.gomohu.com/shop/the-leaf-indoor-hdtv-antenna.html?gclid=CJa-qpzc48ACFahj7AodH2cAVQ (http://www.gomohu.com/shop/the-leaf-indoor-hdtv-antenna.html?gclid=CJa-qpzc48ACFahj7AodH2cAVQ)
It is really, really amazing.
4) Purchase a monthly subscription to Netflix (streaming-only is about $8).
5) Purchase a monthly subscription to HuluPlus (about $8).
What makes me ecstatically beat-da-man happy about all that is that for two years now,
after initial purchases of about $90, now my entire monthly entertainment bill is $16.
I feel empowered, not in the slightest deprived, reality-based, frugal, and competent.
Lotsa emotional payoff for a simple "No". As in: No, self, you do not "need" cable.
Hope that's useful and if not to you, GS, maybe someone here who's been pondering
cutting the cord.
xo
Hops
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Moving forward, finding the positive angle, connecting with the feeling of love.
I grew up in a dark place, struggling to find acceptance. My dreams are often filled with reminences of that struggle. Yesterday, I caught myself, rewriting a thought from a negative angle to a positive one and with it I felt a slight shift. I am becoming patient with my work, looking for what is good and changing . My mind goes to the struggle but I am shifting that mind set to the positive. And with it I am able to connect to a more positive energy.
It can only get better from here.
This shift will move things along quite a bit.
The key to the change is within me. It is within the perspective and focus I take and hold. I long for healing and a better life for me and for my son. This is what it will take to get there.. I can se a difference. It will come.
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Thanks, TT!
I can squeeze a penny 'til it screams.
Any time you wanna know how to make your own laundry detergent in 10 minutes that costs you 1/4 per load...just holler!
:P
Hops
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Hops, I'm going to give it a try. I did go the Netflix and Hulu Plus way. Ready to try Roku, was unaware of Leaf, thanks so much.
I find none of the movies I would like on those two services and truthfully I am not finding anything on Hulu Plus. What do you watch from Hulu Plus?
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Made appointment for EMDR. In doing so, the therapist asked me how I selected her out of the list. I found her directly googling but her question made me look again. She was a bit uncertain, slightly apologetic. I don't really love that. I want someone who feels more sure of themselves AND of their work and also of ME and my healing. I need that strength. So i made the appointment and looked again.
I saw a man , (which I would rather have for a couple of reasons) whose wb site is comprehensive but he uses Mindfulness and that is a great appeal to me plus he mentions attachment parenting and I love that. I sent him a message and really look forward to hearing back. I'm very hopeful. I think this could be the right scalpel to cut out this sticky mess. I READY!
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I"m tickled to hear it, GS!
I tend to watch junky escapist stuff on HuluPlus (normal broadcast and cable shows--Project Runway and Master Chef are guilty pleasures). I'm watching Manhattan currently and occasionally run into a series from a cable network I"d never have thought of watching but enjoy because of the acting and/or setting. Longmire is one example. And lately, I wandered into Life Below Zero which fascinated me.
I find loads of movies to stream on Netflix, many recommended by A Better Queue (http://A Better Queue). I enjoy a lot of independent and foreign films but the belated blockbusters are fun too.
And with my Leaf antenna, I get the main networks plus 4 different PBS stations, too.
Good luck!
love
Hops
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Really hoping to hear from EMDR guy today. I had a dream about him. He was a young man of confidence and inner strength. I am ready to move beyond.
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Have to go to Y. Haven't been in two days. Feeling very bad. Will sleep in workout clothes so I can roll out and go to Y 1st thing - before ought enters in.
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Big dip into depression yesterday. Mi spent time listening to dear on Intentions and was able to reset my mind.
Today is better. I will work out a plan for setting and holding onto my intentions of healing.
To be part of something
To belong
To be wanted
To be heard
To be included
To generate a comfortable home
To create a great job
To celebrate my child
Just writing this list feels great. I'm going to memorize it and keep it close to me.
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Hanging my hat on EMDR. I see more clearly still how deeply held "feelings" shape my present. I don't want these old "feelings" to shape my future.
What does it feel like to be included? To have smiles light up when you walk into a room? To have the phone ring and invitations come in the mail? To have a neat clean, comfortable home with friends coming in and out? To have a child flourishing and happy and busy and motivated?
I'll be holding these imaginations in my mind.
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I'm keeping my eye on how much progress I gave already made. That keeps me encouraged . I am developing patience. And I am paying attention on how I revert to old patterns unconsciously , bringing them into the subconscious and then conscious levels.
Patience, patience, patience along with the intention. I practiced this morning and loved the results.
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I'll be off line for a week but will look forward to the updates!
Hops
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Got my EMDR appointment next Friday. I'm hanging a lot on it. Think it will help with that intransigent pain from early trauma. The focused work will help but it is very, very slow, incremental. Hard to see progress and sustain forward drive.
I have achieved important gains but this hurdle, impediment is a big one. I'm going to throw everything I can at it.
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All of m life, I have been trying to get beyond the pain. In the past few weeks I have come to realize that I need to learn to function in spite of the pain. I have a lot of hope in the EMDR. But I can't put all of my eggs in one basket.
I still need to feel the pain and do it anyway.
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Hops, I hope it is a good week.
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Late last night as I became sleepy, the images of a kind mother and father emerged. I had had these images for a week or so. As I fell asleep fear emerged and I was held by the father image and. Then there was a shift. I became the father image holding me. In the middle of the night I woke from a hazy dream engulfed in fear. It was as if a mask had come off, looking through the image of the father I was able to see. The fear I have been living with is enormous. I have pushed through but it is clearly a factor in the obstacle, in the brake.
I cannot describe how great the fear is.
When it came time to get up the fear was again paralyzingly.
There were two dream images - one was a wreck right in front of my drive. I crossed the path and was encourage to hurry home and call the authorities. The two occupants were dead. I was terrified but feeling extremely guilty at not stopping to help and calling the authorities instead. Another image was a man who was embarking on a long and intricate legal case. I was encouraged to offer my services as an assistant. I dressed carefully, selecting professional garb, and worked on a strategy to present myself as a candidate for work. The stakes seemed very high.
*****
I have pulled the covers off of an indescrible bed of fear that I have been repressing. It is so painful. I despise the feeling of raw fear. It is of course tied to rejection and abandonment. The pain is searing.
-
I know exposing this fear is part of the healing.
A Wayne Dyer post I just read said to expect something good to happen. It immediately snapped me out of the place of fear and dread.
Today will be a day calling for intention and staying conscious. Praying for Friday's EMDR.
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Hi GS.....
E.M.D.R. transformed my life.
I had a wonderful female therapist.
It was a intense experience with great rewards.
Sending all Love and Light for Friday.
Moon
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That early childhood programming was mighty tight. When experience and floating memories resonate they stick and confirm, re-enforcing. When positive stuff comes by it doesn't make a dent in the negative experience, expectation.
I see this is going to take a lot of work to turn this thing around. I'm going to give it everything.
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Moonlight - thank you for guiding me there. I am very excited, very hopeful. Your encouragement is so wonderful and appreciated.
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The cause of the symptoms are unprocessed memories that are stored in networks that govern both the non conscious and conscious.
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The memory pain is very great today. I think it is in anticipation of my work on Friday.
I am flooded with images of my father's clenched jaw, disapproval, controll. As a child I thought he was all knowing and that I was wrong and would understand later. I processed everything as "I am wrong." My stomach would turn in knots. When the image of kind, powerful father comes up my father's image usurps. I am dousing this power with love - which I falsely attributed to him all along.
This is very slow but I will succeed. I will not give in and not give up. I believe.
Yesterday I was thinking about this imaging of love. It feels a little weak for me. But I will think of it like a muscle or like meditation. Practice, without doubt, relentlessly and then one instant it will be powerful. Don't give up.
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Reversal of Desire
Bring it on
I love pain
Pain sets me free
From Phil Stutz and Michel's "The Tools". Wondering if I can do this.
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I had a brief window of relief last night. So welcomed.
A window in which I experienced a sense of empowerment.
Then difficult dreams.
Now time to grow the feeling from last night.
Counting the days to Friday while trying to live in them as well.
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I'm going to build on that tiny speck of empowerment today. I can . Find the courage.
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So when I wrote in June that I had cut through shame I indeed had but I cut through an outer layer, the most pervasive which tied me down each moment of every day. After that I was hit hard with streaming memories of friends and senses of belonging that had once been mine but lost. It went on for days and weeks. Some days I functioned fairly well, some weeks I did not.
My child got sick the end of August, beginning of September and I took another hit. But I have persevered, never given up, slipped but not completely fallen.
Last night I stepped through some small opening, small and subtle. I can't quite articulate the insight or vision, nothing that could be expressed in new terms but a shift in perspective showing me how I'm continuing in the shaming and condemnation and fear from childhood which gives me a hint of how to adjust my mindful thoughts of encouragement.
I see it all as a mind/brain problem with a mind/brain solution. I can keep my thoughts in order. That opening I stepped through helped me right a small tilt. It was just in time. I was hit by two friends having significant struggles and losses at the same time. Then as if life weren't enough two other people have started asking me for help that I don't have to give.
One is a workman who has helped me around the house this month and to whom I gave a broken down car. Now he and his girlfriend are calling and texting several times a day. Then a poor man who befriended my mother had a broken down car and I offered to help round up a posse to help. After I made the first call about getting his car towed and PMed a couple of his FB friends he sent m e a long message saying if he only had $9k he could get out of his shack and into a house. People think I have money because my family did. It is such a drain. I told him " one thing at a time."
I am not keeping my own self afloat. I really don't have it in me to help these strangers. I need to help myself and my friends first.
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Small love is powerful.
Small love, repeated, like the tiny cellular pulses of the green sprout that wants to grow,
just push it up through the crack in the sidewalk, eventually moving the earth.
Your small love moments are not inadequate, they are everything.
And nightmare-father will lose his power. It will happen.
I think of how easily I came to understand the notion of "mothering myself" or my inner child.
How easy that warm, nurturing, comforting self-love can be once I realize how to do it.
I wonder if some of the challenges of the external life--like organizaing, being orderly,
setting goals, changing the physical and financial world--might be related to learning
to "father myself."
To get to where THAT is experienced as nurturing, too.
I know you can, GS.
Nightmares are release valves for fear.
Painful, but they make good space.
(My week is wonderful--relaxing, sleeping, no agendas, friends...bliss.)
love
Hops
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Hops, thanks for the encouragement. It really helps.
I'm so glad to read that you had a great week.
GS
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In one of my dreams last night I walked into my childhood home with a childhood friend. I noticed that there was a moat like trench of water around the house and there were many turtles in the water. We went out of the back door and the house we walked out of was my family's river house. The moat was there and even more turtles. We talked about what the hungry turtles eat.
Today I read a FB post with a photograph of a turtle. It read:
"Don't ever let those who give up on their dreams talk you out of giving up on yours."
As though it was written to me about my dream and my family. I've never had a message come to me about a dream before. Very odd and fascinating.
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Morning - looking for that "switch" to move from avoidance, fear, memory to action, life.
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After a lifetime of fighting a wretched feeling I have been learning and coming to understand so much that is behind it in these past few months. That understanding alone has not freed me. But I believe the work I have done in the past 15 years has prepared me to move forward now.
Early in the summer I thought things were popping quickly and by summers end I would be walking in freedom. That didn't happen. But I am more aware of the right work to be done. While I walk a razors edge teetering above a depressive abyss, I am finding myself able to stay above. I see in profound clarity how my mindset has trapped me. I have several sets of tools for shifting my thoughts out of condemnation and rejection but it is not as simple as flipping a switch.
All night long I awake with some kind of dark dream and all night I work to shift those thoughts. It is during the day that I had developed a practice of avoidance. I hate that place but I have to keep my perspective that it took me decades to even come to see that it is avoidance of severe psychic pain that is at work in this wretchedness of paralysis. Having that insight has given me yet again a renewed hope of overcoming it.
First I am thankful for this understanding. It goes towards lifting the self-blaming which carries its own costs. With this understanding I am able to more easily work towards hope. When I face this avoidance (over and over throughout each day) my unconscious reaction is to feel hopeless but now I am able to remind myself to reject that.
I am working hard to shift my constant being into a state of feeling love and acceptance. It takes an inordinate amount of effort and is not always successful. Yesterday I realized that this lack of obvious progress has caused me to give up for years. But now, because I believe that shifting my thoughts and bringing myself into a place of ole is the way, I am able to renew my focus over and over and over again.
I do not have this muscle yet. I want to develop it. And so I work on it without cease. I have nothing to lose.
A year or two ago I saw so clearly how I was trained to think darkly about myself. Now I am training my mind to think in a different way. I have already had many successes. I keep these in mind to help encourage myself.
I would like to figure out how to set goals so I can mark my achievements as I go along. I'll be thinking about this, something tangible like monitoring weight.
Of course I wish this were faster but honestly I am thankful for my progress - for the understanding I have developed and for the work I did for so long that has given me techniques to use to lift myself up.
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Even though I know what is causing this paralysis I still get stuck..
While I am looking forward to my EMDR appointment tomorrow, I see that I must work diligently at developing my mind muscle. I resist it, I'm not sure why. Perhaps the evidence of progress is not there. That will cause me to feel hopeless. That hopelessness is a double bind. I absolutely must commit to work harder.
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I have used these thought experiments to shift myself out of victim hood. That is no minor achievement. I was really stuck there and for years I knew it was not good but seemed impotent to shift. So that is an important, recent achievement. My awareness continues to expand. That is good.
I believe words have great power, so in times like now when I dont seem able to latch onto the ability to find the right frequency I am falling back onto the right words.
I am becoming increasingly aware of how subconscious memories work at putting me into a feeling of rejection and failure, it is very subtle and very painful. The pain is experienced as a constant irritant but when I look into the source and connect with it it is enormously painful. In the past week or so I have bee bombarded with memories of great pain from my 20/s. This is related to the way anxiety got attached to everything. So this pain is attached to everything. I see it replay like a nightmare.
To work on reducing the intensity of the pain is my initial goal. Let it emerge, no longer repress it. Talk to it.
When the pain occurred I processed it as evidence that I was a total failure and then I repressed that fear and became desparately. So now it is my job to talk to it, to recognize that that was a lie. It would have helped to have had someone who loved me help with that message but now I do have me. I finally have me to give that message.
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Two things: I am able to deal with the pain fairly well when I am not "doing" anything, while in the state of avoidance. That sounds of no value but actually it is. So one step I can take is to begin to be willing to be present to the pain rather than watching tv, surfing the internet, etc. that will be a strengthening exercise. With a bit more strength I can be present to the pain when facing the tasks.
Second, in the midst of pain it is time to face, it, examine it, and challenge it. Bit by bit.
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Today seems more difficult than usual. This may be part of the healing pattern where the pain gets worse as I get deeper into it.
While at the store midday, it was as if they were standing right there telling me that I had gotten it wrong before and would get it wrong this time too. It was so loud and so oppressive. A window on that little child within me, deeply repressed, as yet unsealed, still calling the shots. Being in touch with her, I can talk to her and steer her away from their destructive condemnation.
On my way home, I felt the grip, as though I was being restrained forcefully. I felt both rage and impotence. Hundreds of memories with the same feelings flashed before me and I saw with my adult eyes as I felt with my child's heart the power of my fathers OCPD decrying every effort to accomplish simple chores.
But the biggest vision I had was how my minds radar searches for what it knows - affirmation that I don't deserve, that I mess things up, that I am a hopeless failure. I saw it plain as day.
But I can overcome this. Al the pieces I need are here for me. There are deeper levels of pain but the understanding and tools are already available. The work seems infinite because the layers seem to go deeper without end. Every time I have significant healing the next layer emerges and I start all over again. But I have to believe there will be a measurable significant shift to free me.
I must keep working and not give up.
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For the first time in memory, I woke up connected to a feeling of love and not in dreams of shame and rejection. And moreover, it is easier to hold onto it, not as much of a battle, a struggle. The last scene of my dream was in a bathroom, all alone. For decades, I had dreams in bathrooms where I was not able to shut the door, was exposed, shamed.
This feels like a movement, a small but significant bit of progress. This is encouraging, something to build on.
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Continuing to learn that I can shift my thinking to override the darkness.
Some avoidance is fear of the darkness and my inability to override. Keep working. I am on the right path.
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I'm feeling more hopeful than ever. Why am I writing so much? Because it helps me solidify things in my mind and hold it hard and fast.
Today is like one of those bopping clowns: the old feelings with the knotted stomach come up, I shift my thoughts, talk them down , they subside , I look to something else and they hit me hard again. And the process stars over,
It is a battle but I am stronger in my understanding that I am on the right path.
Here are some recent achievements (in the past year.) anxiety is not permanently present, shame does not grip me every moment, I am far more tolerant, able to let things go, less reactive.
This is just a partial list and it is after years of working towards these changes. That is no small shift. But there is more to come. I amso have gained an enormous amount of insight into what is causing the dysfunction. That alone is huge. Now while it is at work I can acknowledge it. That very attribute has led to shifts and healing every single time in the past. I'll rest on that.
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GS....
I am overjoyed ...so happy for you !!!
Love
Moonlight
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Thanks Moonlight.
I went to my EMDR appointment yesterday afternoon. The building was locked and barred. I called the man, he never received my confirmation email. I'm in his book for Mon., the 7th. Trusting the delay will work in my favor. Not sure how, but trusting.
Making incremental progress. I am developing confidence that I can keep myself out of the abyss while sitting still, alone, (not doing avoiding behaviour.) today, I'm going to ramp it up and focus on this while I do chores. I'm beginning to get clarity on the unconscious voices causing such agony while I try to clear the forest.
Yesterday I heard," you can't do it. You ruined it last time."
So many memories of mother, father, brothers who, rather than stepping up to help, would sit in judgement of even simple tasks. It was pervasive.
I am now aware of these voices. Let's see if I can override them.
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Over 25 years ago I became aware that there was a voice inside that was telling me I couldn't do it. I knew that happened with athletic pursuits.
Now I see that it applies to everything: to chores, to friendships, to dreams, to interactions with authority.
So now I will call on my inner voices to overshadow them.
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GS...
I so understand the fear of trying... I had one parent that was difficult one very loving... neither were cheerleaders .
So I learned the skill of caring and loving others ...just no confidence in self.
I did find it within myself to love doing my artwork...something inside that would not be still.
For the most part I did not have a voice saying you can not do this or that ... just no encouragement ...which would have been so helpful.
Now I am my own best friend ...most of the time....but I still falter at times ...I am better so much better.
I am wishing you great results from your EMDR ...
All Love and Light
Moonlight
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How blessed I am by you Moonlight. I love hearing from you.
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Very positive, "I can do it" dreams last night.
So many different scenes. In a house from my first years. Met the family. I was trying to get my feet grounded, then I realized they had added on an entire second floor.
I was looking for a sweater in the back of my car. A priest was with me. I was expecting to car or be a huge mess and then I realized that I had cleaned up and the box of things I was looking through was a demonstration of being resourceful not slovenly. I found just the right sweater.
I woke up and found the refrain, " Yes, I can" going through me mind.
I was vacuuming a hillside. (Don't ask, it was a dream.) at first the vacuum didn't work. Then, in my dream, I reminded myself to apply positive energy and I found I could clean the nozzle and it worked perfectly.
Last night another mother called to ask my child and me to meet them for dinner (yea!) afterward the boys wanted to go window shopping at Target and we were talking when the subject of changing our thoughts came up. She is on the same pursuit.
I'm feeling coincidentally and support coming from different places. Progress is happening.
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God day. Able to face the music and tackle some difficult stuff - even while staying out of the pain and paralysis and avoidance. The voices from childhood bombarded me but I was able to face them and talk to them.
Building on this.
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Wow.
SO awed.
I hope you are feeling genuine pride, GS...
it is apt and you ARE allowed to glow with accomplishment!
Yes
you
ARE
You go, girl.
love
Hops
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Thanks Moonlight.
I went to my EMDR appointment yesterday afternoon. The building was locked and barred. I called the man, he never received my confirmation email. I'm in his book for Mon., the 7th. Trusting the delay will work in my favor. Not sure how, but trusting.
Making incremental progress. I am developing confidence that I can keep myself out of the abyss while sitting still, alone, (not doing avoiding behaviour.) today, I'm going to ramp it up and focus on this while I do chores. I'm beginning to get clarity on the unconscious voices causing such agony while I try to clear the forest.
Yesterday I heard," you can't do it. You ruined it last time."
So many memories of mother, father, brothers who, rather than stepping up to help, would sit in judgement of even simple tasks. It was pervasive.
I am now aware of these voices. Let's see if I can override them.
Hi GS,
I've not been getting on the board that often so I'm reading your thread in fits and starts. I'm amazed at how well you're doing and how hard you're working at all of this. It is so, so tough - and you're doing amazing. I hope your EMDR session goes well for you.
You can do it. You are doing it. You're amazing to me. Lots of love xx
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I am so thankful for your encouragement Hops and Twopenny.
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Yesterday came with so many insights. I wish I had written them down because they seem somewhat elusive now. When they renter my brain I'll grab them.
Last night and today are huge battles. That is the way it has been with me as I make progress. It is not an easing into healing but a tumultuous battle, up and down.
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More difficulty today than usual.
I am thinking it is time to move into a proactive stance. In addition to warding off the dark, adding in the light - aiming for it, seeking it, calling it into being in myself.
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Miracle of miracles. EMDR opening tonight.
Yesterday had two wonderful encounters with friends from childhood and early adult. Lovely, lengthy conversations. Demonstrations to myself of a shifting being. I have emerged from the bitterness and resentment that I wasn't even aware of but that I now see pushed everyone away. It is such a relief. Iam thankful for these encounters that tell me I have changed.
I had a series of dreams that indicate a change a brewing. One was a series of "levels" of kind of building. Each story one square room. In each I was present, usually wih one other person. I was cleaning and straightening and completing a science project in each room. There was no angst. Just where I am aiming my life.
In another I was traveling, flying. My ticket was in the very back of the plane which had a long row of seats. I was disappointed only to learn that it was a great group of inclusive people that I enjoyed being with.
All good, positive scenes.
Fingers crossed.
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Depressed today. Will snap out of it but feeling tired of the battle. Looking forward to the day that I wake and don't gave to lift self out of the mire to get started. Iyanla posted something on FB this morning about feeling unworthy of a task means you won't be able to accomplish it. Lord knows she is talking to me.
It is time to turn that around but right now I'm feeling beaten down. Wishing something external would lift me up.
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Resetting my mind to believe.
I've been exercising, eating for a healthy brain. Time to add in meditation. Must set brain to right thinking. I believe.
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"When you undertake any endeavor harboring a conscious or unconscious belief that you are not worthy of doing it, you will find that you are unable to move forward."
From Iyanla
From today's Diane Rehm: http://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2014-10-01/walter-mischel-marshmallow-test-mastering-self-control
It gets down to the ability of the children being able to use imagination to help control impulses. Not unrelated to what I am doing.
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Getting in touch with still repressed resentment which may be related to sense of still repressed unworthiness.
Issues of father are emerging - his demanding, irrational, OCPD driven requirements. Boosted by my mother's complicity driven by her relief that I was on the receiving end and not her. All this happened repeatedly as I watched others, brothers, friends, etc, skip through life being celebrated for the very things that brought me condemnation and punishment. Now to unearth and reverse the mindset established by the years of this.
Unearth and let go of resentment.
Unearth and regenerate vision of beauty and ability and he.
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Reminders from the outside are pointing to what I must address.
My feelings of inadequacy are doubled down by the sense of cringing, the need to crawl away and hide in a cabinet. Memory from humiliation as a child? Anger and agony cry out.
This is the underneath feelings that send me into avoidance.
The other day, I saw the importance of the shift from "paralysis" to "avoidance". The latter gives me power over it. The former doesn't.
I am so alone. That loneliness goes back to the earliest days.
Another message that comes up is mindfulness. Time to turn to mindfully be aware of what is happening with in me. I understand the avoidance. The pain is so great.
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This is very powerful to me, GS...
I saw the importance of the shift from "paralysis" to "avoidance". The latter gives me power over it. The former doesn't.
Thank you for sharing this.
I'm drawing strength from your insights, for the same issues.
Thank you again! I'm cheering you on....
Hops
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Thank you Hops.
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Early trauma - hitting me hard. The voices are getting louder . Perhaps presenting themselves for healing. I have been stumbling across so much about healing that all suggests I'm on the right path. I'm ready and I'm aware of how the old is so loud and present.
Rejection, not worthy, get what you deserve, worthless,
Saw my therapist Thursday. Such a comfort.
Doubling down on visualization. Really want to replace avoidance.
With T discussed how avoidance developed: in FOO, my presence brought on the attacks. Any action or activity brought on an onslaught of criticism and belittlement. It is so powerful still, coursing my being and my mind without ceasing. If I focus, I can hear the words but worse and more lethal than the words was what was not said or said behind my back. It was the attitude of contempt help by the two people who gave birth to me. It was an omnipresent attitude which could not be shaken no matter how hard I tried to achieve. If I erred along the way, that was highlighted and denounced and brought up OCR and again. If I succeeded later on the first failure was resurrected. If I succeeded or achieved something there was more denunciation. It was well into adulthood before I even realized it. Sometimes when I had wonderful experiences, the sort that most parents brag about, my experiences were met with deafening silence.
But on Monday I begin EMDR, and I pray this will bring relief to the dark, pain and omnipresent feeling of being unworthy and undeserving and expectation and reality of being rejected.
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Today I am allowing the extreme pain to rise up. I'm being present to it. Hoping it doesn't kill me. Emerging it with love. I have tried over recent months to direct love to an image of my father. He always rejects it - with anger. Suddenly this morning I saw that he needed it as a child. The child absorbs it in paroxysms of grief and longing.
*****
I love Twoapenny's post and want it to remain at the end so I am modifying my last entry.
I had a dream last night and an important visualization this morning. In the visualization I saw healing energy penetrate my brain and then penetrate my father's. In recent days I have seen that the damage from my mother paled in comparison to that from my father. I saw the EMDR man Monday but it was all history taking and no EMDR. The actual therapy is being delayed yet another 10 days.
This image was powerful enough to lift me from a depression and allow me to actualization movement out of avoidance. I will spend vast
amounts of time nurturing this.
*****
great pain BUT not turning to avoidance. Very weird but good. Staying with pain and talking to it. Disappointed at first but now see it is progress and better still that the pain isn't killing me but I'm able to sit with it, talk to it .
In my dream, I was coming to an intersection behind a car. At the stop sign the car didn't go. I tapped my horn before realizing the young mother had a flat. The stop was down the street from the house I lived in as a young child. I got out to help. She pulled a bicycle tire from behind her seat. She told me that she acquired the car from her mother but her mother had not told her about a debt of $6000 that was attached to the car. So now this very poor young mother owed that debt. Her mother had betrayed her and tricked her.
Today I will nourish that image of healing and bring it into fruition. Time to go.
One of my great fears is that the paralysis will continue. That far is in itself debilitating. I will work on it today as well.
Hopelessness and fear of rejection and failure have kept me paralyzed. Bringing that into the consciousness will open the door to healing and freedom.
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Today I am allowing the extreme pain to rise up. I'm being present to it. Hoping it doesn't kill me. Emerging it with love. I have tried over recent months to direct love to an image of my father. He always rejects it - with anger. Suddenly this morning I saw that he needed it as a child. The child absorbs it in paroxysms of grief and longing.
GS, what you are doing is so tough and you are going through it all so bravely and wisely. You are genuinely in my thoughts and I'm sending you all the love and white light I can muster
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GainingStrength)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So brave of you to send love out to your father when he represents so many unpleasant things to you. So engaging that you see him now as a child needing that love. Poor parenting can cause problems for generations, it's so sad.
For several years I have had a big, fluffy bunny rabbit that I bought from a charity shop. I read in a book that a good way to try to engage with your inner child (and give him or her the love she didn't get) is to have something you can hug and hold and that can become the little person you are trying to help. I'd read that in the morning, then went out to run some errands and the bunny was in the charity shop, looking out at me from the window - and it was exactly the amount of money I had in my purse (only a few pounds). I took that as a sign :)
I can't tell you how much time I've spent holding that bunny over the last few years, rocking her, stroking her big fluffy ears and tucking her up into bed. I've cried so many tears into her and I always make sure she's comfy when I tidy up my room in the morning. Sounds crazy but I really feel like it's helped.
Just thought I would mention it in case it helps a little for you to deal with this huge emotional pain that is coming through for you at the minute. You are doing great work, GS, you are to be much admired xx
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I dipped into depression last Thursday. It was quite a dip. But I was able to climb back out. Several things happened that normally would send me down again. Thankfully I have developed a thought pattern that is keeping me out. When I feel myself slipping again I put myself in the mind exercise and am currently able to recover. But I am beginning to see more about how the old stuff is connected with my struggle. In my experience, as these insights developed the healing follows. I am expecting some more shifts in the next 6 weeks.
In a strange dream two friends of mine, a couple, were able to stand in my experience as a child and feel what it was like to be raged at. In the dream they were able to offer me real understanding and empathy. It felt profoundly healing, so relieving.
Over the weekend, we went to a gathering at a friend's family home in the country. There were people from far and near of all ages across the weekend. Several encounters shown a light. In one instance a man sat beside me and began talking about a specific breed of horses. I am not an equestrian of any sort. He talked and talked and talked. I thought there would be no break and kept looking for others whom I could enter act with to get out of the situation. In the midst of it, I had a flashback to being talked to by my father who would drone on and on and on and demand that I maintain eye contact, not blink, not look away, not interrupt, not speak. Even just weeks before his death I was still unable to draw a boundary against this control and protect myself.
Later the same night I heard two other women talking about being trapped by this same man. I recognized why I felt trapped. And I happen to know that this man has very serious mental health issues and has lost much of his net worth because of it. I suspect he has some form of bi-polar at minimum, as did my father.
At some point, I had a glimmer of understanding about how make sure that I did not enjoy myself at such an occasion, how he would ride me about being in the way, bothering people, not making myself useful. I hope to remember more of the memories that surfaced so that I can work them out.
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Last week a friend introduced me to a meditation that has a healing property for rejection. I have been practicing it since. It is giving me insights into so much that has been so oppressive for me.
I am able to see how the doors keep shutting for me. This vision has always been the first step into transformation. Until now, I have has a tiny crack in my paralysis but each time I took a step out the door slammed shit. Time after time until finally the glimmer of hope was solidly attached to the door slamming shut so much so that the glimmer induced significant anxiety and self-loathing.
Today, all of this is coming clearer and clearer. It is all about to break open.
I see how my father's power shut me down, tied my hands and enveloped me is such profound sense of failure. I see how "shut down" kept me somewhat protected from the active hatred and condemnation and how trying to do things for myself, cleaning my home, gardening, needlework, having nice clothes, socializing, all brought out his condemnation and torment. It may be internalized and he may be dead but it has had a tremendous power. But now the door is cracked. And now I have a tool to use against that oppression, to counter it and overcome it.
The next days, weeks and months will be fascinating to see what comes of it.
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Have begun to be able to envision myself cleaning and creating order. This is brand new. It will grow as well.
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Hi GS--This flouresced for me:
I had a flashback to being talked to by my father who would drone on and on and on and demand that I maintain eye contact, not blink, not look away, not interrupt, not speak.
Without the eye contact demand, this reminded me a lot of how my D was during the year of her breakdown. She would demand nonstop listening for literally hours. I read somewhere later that this can be characteristic of Asperger's, which suddenly made sense. The way her mind works, should I break her flow the idea or point she was after would vanish. Same time, she was also being emotinally abusive. I wonder if at some times, she didn't know it.
On the other hand, my gentle father I believe was a bit OCD and he would sometimes go into those endless droning narratives (an itinerary was like a poem to him, sigh). But in his case, though it made me squirm with impatience, there was no abuse. I loved him and that was one of his quirks.
Neither instance in my life matches the one in yours, but the behavior did make me wonder about something similar to Aspergers in your father. Plus a cruel nature. Yikes, girl.
love and carry on -- you're doing magnificently (and they are dead and you are YOUNG, you ARE building a new self and life)--
Hops
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Back to that place of getting worse before it gets better.
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Hops - do you think your daughter has Asperger's? That would explain so much.
With my father, it was about control and domination. There was no Asperger's.
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Yuck. Your father was a JERK.
Pumped up petty tyrant JERK.
Yes, my D told me she'd been diagnosed with Aspergers. I asked about degree, and she said "Mild."
It made a lot of things make sense. Poor girl also has bipolar and ADD, so her platter is overfull.
A friend just described some really really nasty bipolar abusive behavior to me, and we
puzzle together over whether that's pure mental illness OR character defect, or some mix.
It's so much more nuanced than I grasp, I think.
I wring my hands more over the meanness than the mental illness, as I sense you do about him.
What a JERK. I'm glad you no longer have to listen to that man. Or even glance at him. Evermore.
love
Hops
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I don't really think of him in any specific ways oddly enough. But I think of the effects of his behaviour on me and , perhaps the even more destructive phenomena that no one ever stood up and pointed out to me that his behaviour was outrageous and cruel. Because no one did and because it started from my birth, I always processed it as a flaw in my being. And that has been the great destructive force in my life.
So today, I am reorganizing how I see myself. I wish it were as easy as it writes.
I want to interject about how your daughters combination of afflictions explains so much about her inability to receive what you have for her. It is so much easier, though not easy in any way, to cut the ties with a rejecting, shaming parent than with a child who closes a door, no doubt.
*****
Yesterday I began the "safe place" phase of EMDR. I am back in "shame", dealing with "shame." I am thankful that I made the progress I did in early summer. It cleared away a seal that now exposes the shame that has controlled my life while taking the horrific edge off the pain of it. So now, at long last, I am opening up the shame yet again but in a new level.
So yesterday we talked about a handful of memories in which shame and rejection paralyzed me. These memories and me reaction to them touch where I am today. Shut down. BUT - now there is hope and there is understanding that this shame and rejection came on me not from my own doing and that they can be lifted and life can be renewed.
Years ago I recognized that I lived with GAD, that my anxiety had attached to everything. And that is true about shame as well. I hear something that has some level of shame, unrelated to me and I feel shame. Decades ago I recognized that I tuned into negative feelings around me. I was certainly trained to do this but I think I also was born probed to do that. But now, I am learning how to generate distance between myself and the excoriating, disabling pain that shuts me down. That is where the "desensitization" becomes powerful, allowing me to function in spite of the memories and associations.
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Today, I am going to be present to my shame, name it, acknowledge it, be aware of it, talk to it and most critically do work in its presence. If I am able to work in its presence I will be on my way to a major healing level.
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I am excited about this. It is feeling very nice. Fingers crossed.
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So at EMDR yesterday, we focused on a childhood memory which has all the ingredients of my stuck endless. For the first time I saw something critical. I had been sent away from the family watching Disney together because I cried at a sad part. I was supposed to go to my room but instead I went to the hallway where I wasn't seen but could still be attached.
For the first time in memory I am able to work in spite of the pain. Fingers crossed for this being a Rubicon.
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After all of these years there is habit, fear and anticipation all built in to the withdrawal. According to lore, it takes 40 days or 6 weeks to break a habit. I'm definitely up for it. The first thing I can finally do is make a list, (a SHORT list) of things I want to accomplish in a day. That will help keep me focused. There is so much to do. Otherwise I can get totally lost in what to do next.
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Going to start generating a schedule. Top of the list is time for visualizing my life desired.
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Time to create structure. Have faith in healing. Focus on what is working. Grow focus. Write new life.
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Now that I have a micro separation between shame and me I am beginning to be able to name the shaming trigger and create some distance without being paralyzed by the trigger.
One big trigger is the sense of being incapable of completing something or being successful.
Another big trigger is rejection. Ironically being invited to something feels like a set up to being rejected.
Resistance is a third trigger. For example when dealing with sales or customer service or service people who push back or people I have hired to do work, like the lawyer, who push, push, push. I feel hopeless, helpless and want to crawl into a hole.
EMDR has me create a safe place. I hope it will help.
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I just had a weird lightbulb moment - a friend posted a video about her neighbor's extraordinary Halloween decoration. Immediately I saw how my parents would both praise other people and prevent me from doing things that they praised in others. I created a drive for perfectionism, longing to do anything to be good enough to garner the praise, but feeling intense shame because of the sense of utter inadequacy. It also fuelled resentment.
The resentment kept me angry but protected me from the debilitating shame. When I cut through the resentment in the past years I was experiencing the shame full force. It has been rough. Very, very painful.
Learning to be present to the shame. Very painful. But I know there is another side to this tunnel. I will get there. Sooner rather than later.
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Yes, yes. You will get through.
Thank you for mentioning the brilliantly simple thing:
A short list. For A day (not 'every day perfectly forever...').
This what I need too.
All we have is the day we're in.
A short list would help that day.
Thank you!
hugs
Hops
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Today I dealt with several shaming things and was able to hold my focus on an image of receiving love. It was gently soothing. Bit by bit I am sensing that progress is being made. It is bit by bit easier to hold myself in a place outside of shame. If I can build on this I can cut myself free.
I am sitting down now but not for long. I have work to do.
A whole movie scene played out when I was bopping in and out of bits of shame. In that scene my mother appeared and then my father. My father was angry that I was receiving love, the sender of love put him to sleep, and I remembered that my father often fell asleep at odd times beginning when he first began to clearly decompose.
I'm holding on to the focus on receiving love and how protective it is.
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So well said Hops.
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My work is to create space between my being and the shame and hatred that I internalized so long ago. I have confused that dark stuff with my being for a long time. This work is slow but I must keep returning my mind to the image of whole ness and success. For many, many years I felt obligated to receive and stew in the condemnation so it is quite a challenge to turn that all around.
My mind automatically goes to connect dots between bad things and my deserving them so now I have to become aware of that mind and manually rewrite it. At some point what takes considerable effort will become automatic. It seems to me to be akin to a stroke or injury victim learning to walk again, what had once been natural without thought now requires very concerted effort.
I vow not to relent, to stick to the battle plan, to know the steps seem difficult and the progress slow but it will come.
It took me years and years, decades to understand how I got where I am. That is a victory even though it did not solve things but now things are being healed. I am encouraging myself to have faith in this process and to not give up. Stay strong.
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Here is a link to one section of Pete Walker's page on healing cPTSD.
THIS IS HELPFUL AND PAINFUL BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY HOPEFUL. AND IT IS GEYOND COMFORTING TO NOW KNOW WHAT HAS BEEN PLAGUING ME MY WHOLE LIFE AND IT IS NOT BECAUSE I AN WORTHLESS.
(Sorry about the caps. I was typing without realizing.)
Now it is beginning to get easier for me to allow the stomach turning, physical response of shame to release and then use a thought process to find a place of comfort. This us hard, I would prefer to go into shut down but the work will produce healing and shut down won't.
I must continue to talk to myself about hang and having faith in this process. Feeling these feelings is extremely painful.
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I don't really think of him in any specific ways oddly enough. But I think of the effects of his behaviour on me and , perhaps the even more destructive phenomena that no one ever stood up and pointed out to me that his behaviour was outrageous and cruel. Because no one did and because it started from my birth, I always processed it as a flaw in my being. And that has been the great destructive force in my life.
So today, I am reorganizing how I see myself. I wish it were as easy as it writes.
I want to interject about how your daughters combination of afflictions explains so much about her inability to receive what you have for her. It is so much easier, though not easy in any way, to cut the ties with a rejecting, shaming parent than with a child who closes a door, no doubt.
*****
Yesterday I began the "safe place" phase of EMDR. I am back in "shame", dealing with "shame." I am thankful that I made the progress I did in early summer. It cleared away a seal that now exposes the shame that has controlled my life while taking the horrific edge off the pain of it. So now, at long last, I am opening up the shame yet again but in a new level.
So yesterday we talked about a handful of memories in which shame and rejection paralyzed me. These memories and me reaction to them touch where I am today. Shut down. BUT - now there is hope and there is understanding that this shame and rejection came on me not from my own doing and that they can be lifted and life can be renewed.
Years ago I recognized that I lived with GAD, that my anxiety had attached to everything. And that is true about shame as well. I hear something that has some level of shame, unrelated to me and I feel shame. Decades ago I recognized that I tuned into negative feelings around me. I was certainly trained to do this but I think I also was born probed to do that. But now, I am learning how to generate distance between myself and the excoriating, disabling pain that shuts me down. That is where the "desensitization" becomes powerful, allowing me to function in spite of the memories and associations.
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This is so painful to read because it is so spot on. I have never felt so fully understood and I have never even met this man. It gives me hope. Now I must tap into the fortitude necessary to withstand the pain.
http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm
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Dear GS,
I know it hurts to live in the old pain.
I hope you will just push STOP sometimes, and do something
just plain loving for/to yourself...
If you simply rub your own arms with the deeply loving, comforting, compassionate
accepting touch (that you might wish you had had from them) -- just stop for
5 minutes to actually offer yourself that loving touch, while saying/thinking
greatly loving things for your inner self who is doing SUCH a good job of
this hard work...
How does it feel?
Five minutes is a long time to feel Real Love.
Love to you,
Hops
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I love that Hops. Actually I was given two exercises to help and one is exactly a self hugs. Somehow it connects the two hemispheres of our brains.
I hate being in the pain but actually it is the way out - being present and creating space between my being and the feelings taken on in childhood which are never not present, at best repressed. So feeling the pain and being mindful of it is actually a way to move beyond. Sound illogical but I am so thankful to be in this place. The finally understand it all and have compassion for myself is an achievement in its own but not enough.
I'm expecting to see significant progress by the end of November. We'll see.
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No one had empathy for them, showed them warmth, or invited closeness. No one cared about what they thought, felt, did, wanted, or dreamed of. Such trauma victims learned early in life that no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified they were, turning to a parent would actually exacerbate their experience of rejection.
I love to read others words that reflect what I experienced. It has seemed impossible to convey for so long but here is another human writing about my very own horror. It is both painful and cathartic.
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This book may be the most important thing I have come across - giving me hope and help. I have so many question but of course the author practises in CA. If only. But still I am learning, practising staying out of the trigger place. He calls them flashbacks, I still like trigger because it feels like a trigger more than flashback even though he articulates that specific memories are often elusive.
There is a balance for me in avoiding triggers and working through the triggers. But if I can both expose the origins and work through softer triggers first then my muscle will grow.
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Today I am talking back to my father, telling him that I will no longer take his abuse, that it is destructive to me and destructive to himself and that I font deserve it. I would do anything in this world to help him but receiving the abuse is not helpful but destructive.
I have already facd several activities this morning and this internal conversation is helping tremendously, keeping me out of that trigger state. This ism real progress. Now the trick is to help it last or find replacements when it no longer is effective. I choose to believe that this will happen.
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Now I recognize that part of the shutdown, retreat is to avoid the triggers. If this strategy works then I can face the triggers and cut right through them. This will happen. The more I cut through the more my brain will be retrained. He ruled my early life but he will not rule another full day.
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GOOD for you, GS...the activities. Brava brava.
My T had an epiphany this morning that helped me a lot.
We've spent two years trying to get me to work with the usual ADD kinds of advice:
List things that need doing, break them down into small steps, calendar the steps,
build in breaks and rewards, etc. The ONE THING TODAY, all that...
And, sometimes, that does help. But the very biggest thing was something else:
Today he asked me repeatedly what I say to myself when I turn aside from a
plan I'd been excited about the day before. Even the simplest thing, like...not
taking my laptop to bed. Or, a 10-minute walk when I come home even if I
don't feel like it.
It was, embarrassingly, that what I say to myself is: "I don't want to." And
secondly, "I'm alone, so there's no one I'm accountable to." (Clearly, I don't
even feel accountable to myself when the escape-task-exercise-sleep urge
is on.)
So. He said, "It's really just ONE THING." It's that you are run by your feelings.
(He wasn't judging that.) Your rational mind understands completely how the
step-by-step, small-goal-setting systems work. But your feelings RULE. So
your entire task, about everything, is to push back against letting your
emotions decide everything. THAT'S the internal dialogue you need to have.
Just every day. When the escape urge comes up, you need to talk to yourself
about your rational, adult mind.
We looked at each other sort of bug-eyed because in my case, it's really
that simple. I have oceans of emotional reasons (grief, depression, etc.)
for avoiding taking care of my life. The endless chores/decisions/tasks
of taking care of an adult life. So, given that my emotion-ocean will
never completely dry up...what else can get me to DO something I
really need to do?
My rational mind. I need to listen to it. Allow it to take charge for many
of those daily decisions.
Not everything. Of course. Not stopping my emotional processing and
reflecting and relaxing and recreating, not at all. But just...when I have
so CLEARLY identified for myself SIMPLE steps and choices that would
vastly improve my life, to engage my rational mind as my ally.
Sounds odd in writing this, but it really was an epiphany. It had one
of those solid-moments-in-therapy feelings. Like, we looked at each
other and went: Yes. That is essentially IT. For me.
Hope it's not a you-hadda-be-there but it's good to share it anyway.
Tonight? Rational mind needs to go home and in spite of:
--feeling achy and drained
--sour mood at beginning of tedious workweek
--physical fatigue
--depression at coming home alone
Rational mind needs to say: Right. Now we're going to walk around
the block. LATER we're going to watch the escape stuff.
That's it. So embarrassing so say -- that's my goal of the day.
But you get it.
love
Hops
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- This is not a minor epiphany Hops, its a really good one. I have the same problem with escapism and avoidant, procrastinating behavior. Mine usually is that I get up at 5ish and feed cats (at 5 am they are NOT cats they are extortionists in a fur coat :lol:) then want to ust la there til 545 to make a coffee change into gym clothers and get to gym by 6ish. Lately, I get stuck, fall back to sleep or get on the internet, it gets to 620 and then I feel its too late to do the workout I want to do, so I make all sorts of little mental NOs in my head and never make it to the gym. I am working my way around that which is 545 cats fed coffee and banana made, bed made, in clothes, out door. That helps, SOMETIMES, if I get a good nights sleep.
Best techniques I learned for procrastination are the following:
Mel Robbins - Successful people do the right things consistently, even when they don't feel like it.
The Tools/ Phil Stutz ad Barry Michels - Bring it on, just sit, eliminate your distractions and do it NOW.
Eliminate the monkey with a small goal today (one load laundry, 10 mins sorting junk mail, save $5 today) so it doesnt turn into a monster tomorrow (3 loads of laundry, a box full of junk mail or $200 credit card bill). Get the monkey off your back before it turns into a monster.
Recovery - Folks in addiction recovery learn to "do the next right thing" when they get emotionally triggered and want to relapse.
Eckhart Tolle - Power of NOW.
My own - when I want to escape by reading an article, watching netflix or some other thing I put it on a sticky and get back to work. What I discovered is that when I perceive my time to be my own, like I can go to the beach on Sunday afternoon or do whats on the sticky, I suddenly have lost interest in that item and I can see it for what it is - a distraction and procrastination avoidant behavior.
I use these tools and get good results. You are on to something with the emotional awareness.
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Wow, Ales.
That is a REALLY powerful and for me so so helpful, post.
Thank you for sharing all that.
It's extremely heartening. And gives me some new resources.
But...5am? For real?
Oy. I have a loooong way to go.
hugs
Hops
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GS, thought I'd share this followup because I imagine you may relate.
I emailed my T to thank him for his solid epiphany yesterday--because I
stayed focused on it. Result was (will sound totally minor to those who don't
struggle with the take-care-of-your-life-like-regular-people-do issue):
When I went home I override my immediate-escape valve and:
--walked the dog (ran into friendly people, too)
--made healthy soup
NBD? It did feel like a big deal. Anyway, he wrote back "You're welcome"
and added this advice, which I liked a lot. Concise and solid, just like the insight was:
"Keep in mind its not about the soup or the dog but going against your grain, overriding
the emotional brain. One or two overrides / challenges a day is a good starting point.
You can increase the size of the challenge as you gain confidence. Choose consistency over size."
FWIW, hugs--
Hops
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I very much liked what your T said about the emotional override very true and very helpful. Its all about the override to stay consistent.
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I love this conversation.
I'm with you two - emotional override is THE KEY!!!
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Today I am getting some relief from the omnipresent sense of shame and foreboding. It comes when I am most present to the physical sensations and name them and acknowledge their source. This is welcomed. The first two weeks of tuning in exacerbated the physical and psychic pain.
Now, I can se great progress will be made when I shift from the fear and/or expectation of that wretched feeling coming on. That may take days or weeks or longer but I think it will come sooner rather than later.
When this stage of healing started this summer I was wracked with memories of my childhood, college and early adult friends, people in my wedding etc who are now lost to me. The deluge of memories invaded my dreams every night for weeks. It was a lengthy period of grieving and opening.
But it did not destroy me. I am expecting something similar through this process. The pain is there and it is great but it is more tolerable than previously.
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I'm dealing with a big one and I am going to win. Facing the demons now. I know they are not me. They did not come from me and must leave. I am not only going to survive, I am going to flourish.
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Whoa....this emotional override is a very powerful tool. I took a shower and could not stop thinking about it and it really empowered me to make much better choices...
I was thinking the following:
1. Im feeling:
jealous of Kristi because she got a promotion
angry at Mom for interfering, offering bad advice yet again
overeating dinner w/ wine, again...
distracting myself by watching TV (again)
2. I choose to emotionally override these feelings
3. Successful people consistently override these feelings:
jealousy by congratulating Kristi, working harder on my own projects
anger by asserting boundaries, not sharing Kristi promotion w/ her
overeating by picking a low cal meal with water (instead of wine)
avoid the distraction by not sitting on the couch after dinner, and going direct to my reading, housework or other chores
4. I am a successful person....(because I consistently override BLANK)
well, hello, this is what I did many years back when I was DOING VERY WELL. I did it automatically. I was always positive, I was kind, I rarely let anything get me down, or get me stuck in negativity, procrastination or overeating. Im going to try to use this tool more this week and see how it works for me... Ive been stuck in some bad habits for a very long time...and I honestly believe that habits shape our ability to hope. If you have good habits, it makes hope to meeting a goal a shorter distance...
Thanks Hops for sharing this. Its one of the best discoveries on this board for me...
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GS - Check out the book The Tools by Barry Michels and Phil Stutz. One of their chapters (I dont have access to the book right now, but check it on Amazon for Table of Contents and YouTube has video explanations of the Tools) has one about the Shadow, its called the Inner Authority tool and it talks about making friends with your shadow (sounds to me like what you are calling your demons in your post). Its a very helpful little tool to help with what you are describing.
Sending you best wishes for what you are dealing with/ GROWING through.
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I lived in denial before and have recently lived in a state of self pity of emotional self indulgence, I guess overriding emotions will sound like denial to some people, its not, its an active choice to NOT to indulge bad feelings and make them worse.
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Ales2 - I LOVE The Tools. Think I'll retread it. Great suggestion.
Self pity was difficult to move out of. I realized that toddler me needed, deprived of mother's sympathy became caught in sel-pity. But in that state I was disempowered to help myself. It felt like a catch 22 and was released only when I began to see I could change things.
Will you say more about overriding emotions sounding like denial?
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But in that state I was disempowered to help myself. It felt like a catch 22 and was released only when I began to see I could change things.
This is very true. I feel like this is why my "adventures" (or mis-adventures) in therapy did not work out. The T did not seem to realize self pity and needing someone to help with my problems was disempowering for me. I think I have a significant problem with trust, mostly because needing someone was always bad for me. Vulnerability helps some people, it makes me worse (regardless of what PHDs like Brene Brown say about vulnerablity being a strength) I trusted the T and made myself vulnerable but I think he thought I would snap out of it on my own. Once I went down that hole I never got out. I got much worse in therapy with insomnia, weight gain, apathy, depression, confusion, loss of hope, demoralized, stuck and unable to move on. Despite those signs thought the T kept seeing me, when he should have referred me out to another therapist or terminated me. I terminated him because I felt so much worse and felt I was wasting my time with him. And I was.
I will say more about emotional override when I get through a week doing it. I just lost a sorority sister to breast/liver cancer yesterday and have another friend having surgery for a brian tumor today. She is stage 4 glioblastoma. I have a feeling I will need to do lots of emotional overriding to get through the next two weeks.
I need to journal and gather my thoughts on autonomy, vulnerability, and emotional override.
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I have to talk to myself a bit.
I see (flashback) that I was punished for taking care of myself, for feeling good, for smiling and being happy. So all of these things trigger self-condemnation. The most pernicious thing that triggers is HOPE.
So now I know this and I will hold it and mother it and sympathize and comfort each and every time I feel shut down by the pain triggered by these positive things.
No wonder I have struggled. But I am grown now and I can overcome it all. The thoughts are what is real. Healing thoughts will bring healing.
Having written this I feel immediate relief. I will be giving life to these words and thoughts over these next healing weeks. I thank so many here for your encouragement and support.
Long ago I found the analogy of having been hit by a truck helpful. It takes some time to recuperate from such trauma and people have such great sympathy. I never had the sympathy, empathy I needed as a young child and so lived longing for it feeling undeserving of it and resentful that others received it so freely. Now I can use my thoughts and imagination to provide what I needed/need and more along on my healing path.
This is why this path has been so up and down. One day up and the next, crashed low. Zero consistency. Now I know why, cam predict it and prepare for it and lift myself out of it. When good things happen the condemnation intensified. Now I know and can soothe and comfort before the unconscious process repeats and I can bring the unconscious process into the light where rational thought can address it.
That is how I see this process going forward.
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Oh Ales 2, I so connect on vulnerability being dangerous. So many times I was asked to be and I was sabotaged. I have very clear memories of that.
I cannot imagine the pain you experienced with that therapist. It hurts just to read what you posted.
I totally get your point on Brown on vulnerability. There are levels of shame and levels of vulnerability and those who have been hit hard by toxic shame are not good at selecting people with whom to be vulnerable. I don't even know if it is within me. It is a boundary issue but on steroids.
Your comment about Brown has helped me prepare for my EMDR appointment tomorrow.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss and sickness around you. I am glad you have emotional override to help you through.
I look forward to reading more from you about it.
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More information: I feel inadequate about all tasks. So it is hard to do them. They feel like a set up for shame.
The information and understanding are streaming in now. First step before the healing.
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This is a painful process, allowing the stuff that I have so long repressed to rise, to feel it all again and to process it all these decades later.
I have an image of being asked to stand in a classroom, be called put, humiliated and forced to remain in class while laughed at. On returning home the torment is repeated and then a lovely mother enters. She gives me solace and when my father rises in anger to eject her, she stands her ground, telling him his behavior is wrong and damaging. He argues and she says that it is damaging not only to me but to him, the perpetrator, as well.
I feel myself sink into the comfort she offers. I know I am safe in her embrace but cannot find the courage to be released. Like a baby who is longing for connection I am not able to let go yet, needing to be safe, sevure& loved.
This image takes the edge off of the searing pain.
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So today is what I have thought of an an off day, a bad day, a day of warding off depression. And then as I was busy this afternoon it struck me that this is actually what the healing feels like. So now I am staring to associate this blah, yuck with intentional healing. That really transforms it. It helps me apply The Tools tool of feeling bad and doing it anyway. This yuck is going to be part of getting better, getting stronger, like muscle pain when working out. I can handle it.
Now I know why I find such resistance when it is time to go to an event or someone's home or a meeting. It flares the REJECTION, INADEQUATE warnings. Now I know. Now it is conscious. Now I can heal it.
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Trying to separate things out - the is a layer of sorts that is becoming clear. It is like a thin atmospheric layer encircling the earth, my earth. It pervades and it must be released.
I had a glimmer this morning of my child being sacrificing my welfare and my longings to conform with my parents unspoken, implicit, perhaps unconscious demands which were utterly self-destructive. This is where the stuff of rational knowledge gives life to the illumination of psychic threads interwoven, enmesh net. As this image becomes clearer it will become my choice to let it go and free myself.
Yesterday I took my child to watch Tibetan monks begin work on a sand Mandela. I am reminded of the impermanence and the danger of attachment. My child being living through me is attached to what could have been, all that could have been achieved had my family functioned. Time to let it go and be free to receive what is available.
That is the conundrum - holding on keeps me from receiving. And though I do not want what I have I have not let go.
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I am starting to associate this blah, yuck with intentional healing. That really transforms it. It helps me apply The Tools tool of feeling bad and doing it anyway. This yuck is going to be part of getting better, getting stronger, like muscle pain when working out. I can handle it.
YOWSERS!
WOWEE!
GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY!
KUDOS!!
Damn, you are inspirational.
Thank you, GS.
love
Hops
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I often wake in the middle of the night and hear myself repeating, "I hate you." to myself. I have dine this for as long as I can remember. For many years it would go on during my waking hours. I felt it keenly in college years, alternating the phrase with the desire and image of banging my head against the wall.
I was fusing my self with their condemnation. I remember stumbling across a pamphlet at St. stephen's in Charleston, that centered on the verse, No man is condemned....
The hope and longing I felt smashed by the fesr and doubt.
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Sad. Just sad. Maybe Mad, mad, mad is a much better word. :x
I just looked at my goals for this year and NONE of them have been accomplished.
In my opinion, GOOD therapy, is a catalyst and liberator towards helping me achieve my goals, not get derailed and accomplish nothing. BAD therapy, interferes with taking the steps forward because I dont feel functional or capable or what has been done in past did not go as planned, i.e had severe conflicts with personalities, and gatekeepers (critical bosses, bad dates I dont recover from etc.) to my goals. Bad therapist = Bad results. Yes, my life is my responsibility not the therapist, but any therapist worth his PHD identifies there parts of the process where the patient gets stuck.... and guides them through it or sends them off to someone else.
FUCK. Can I say that on the board? Right now I am just MAD! :x
This is not me and I can do much better!
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Yes I think you can say it ALL here Ales2.
Why not?
You complaint re: the therapist is as legit as a complaint about a doctor. Complaining about a therapist is not the opposite of taking responsibility.
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Having a hard time this morning. Really struggling with my sense of failure/inadequacy.
EMDR last night helpful but doesn't seem to have a residual or lasting effect. Woke up with massive sense of fear/rejection. I am praying that I will transcend it so life can take place.
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Here is a long term issue that I am now dealing with: disempowerment. I have so much to write about it but I am starting by just putting it down. This is important for me and crippling feeling shut down by others unwillingness to do their part.
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GS - thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I will bring it ALL to the board, thank you for supporting that.
Are you sure the problem is being disempowered? I learned along time ago that I over-cooperate and get drained. In other words, Ive often been the diplomat, did everything asked of me and more, showed up and was reliable when no one else would and rarely complained, kept a mostly good attitude and it turned out badly ANYWAY. Why? I learned that the bullies and controllers got everything they wanted out of me, but did not "want" me anyway, and would reject all my hard work eventually. Even my accountant told me to stop cooperating with family, because they are incapable of cooperating in return.
My NMom is a controller (obviously) and the accountant said to stop cooperating with her over living trust and assisted living matters, since she wont cooperate with keeping me informed or part of the decision making process. She also just plain wont do the work or make the decisions. I was being disempowered here and the accountant knows many controlling parents playing the same game. She told me to back off completely, make 2-3 attempts at something and then let it go. If she wants her privacy over these matters, let her have them. But once I back off, when she then wants my help, I must decline and tell her to do it herself. Hire a lawyer, call an accountant, discuss it with other family, but leave me out of it. Offer cooperation on limited time basis and then not again. Cooperation requires a certain amount of trust which my NMother and I dont have based on a 40 year betrayal, so its not going to be resolved easily.
Anyway, point of my story here- is it possible that you are trying to hard with a controller or other type person who is not capable (for fear, trust or other issues) of working with you? Are you being disempowered by a person, a process or circumstance?
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Ales2 what a wise accountant. That must be very helpful.
My struggles are now all internalized. It's no longer what someone else does but how I processed and stored and continue to react the my mist rained brain. So now my job is to become aware of it and reprogram.
It seems like a curve to me, a very slow curve for quite so period and then it begins to slope upward. I see little progress but some. The key is to stay with it until I finally get some momentum.
I am holding thoughts of healing and love and using words to carry me through long periods of the day which are difficult. I plan to do this over and over and over again until the relief is more solid.
I believe I am on the right path and keep getting evidence (coincidences) that encourage me.
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Wise accountant for sure. She seems to know the difference between people who can take financial advice and those who are too fearful, un-trusting and stubborn to be dealt with. Good advice for any cooperators out there to avoid controllers! Anyway---
My gift for the day is this handy-dandy little slide show about the "maladaptive introject"...the little voice inside you that internalizes what you have heard. You may already know all of this, but it not, this video is insightful and helpful.
http://dnmsinstitute.com/clients/slideshow/
Hang in there, you do sound like you are GAINING STRENGTH, literally. :)
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OK, its been awhile since Ive seen that video - the video and its content are excellent, but the narrator is a little stiff and awkward in his delivery. If you can sit through that, its worth your time. Maybe skip forward to 12 minutes and see if this is close to helpful, then start at the beginning.
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I'm staving off a spate of depression. This has been going on for several weeks. It is quite a battle. I am taken back to 13 years ago when I could barely get out of the bed. I would wake at dawn and take an inventory of my body to check and see how gripping the depression was. I kept a calendar checking to see if the 21 days until the anti-depressant s set in were coming to an end.
This is a difficult journey but I have been amazed that I have staved the cloud for weeks now, not dipping too low. MIT getting better but not dipping down. With the coming darkness, I am a bit concerned. But I am persevering.
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The dark (and here, oncoming cold) hit me hard every year too GS...
I'm also girding myself to deal well with winter.
I usually find that the anticiipation's worse than the reality. Though I always
hate coming home from work in the dark--nothing eases that, there are still
bright sunny days, even with snow on the ground, that are amazingly beautiful.
And indoors becomes cozy, and if I'm open to it, a kind of domestic joy can
kick in.
Making soup.
Usually I find once winter is well underway that I have cheerful times too.
I hope you will as well. Your growth and work isn't seasonal, you're in this
for LIFE.
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops. Really appreciate yr encouragement.
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Time to develop "picture" of how I want my life to be and time to schedule time to focus on these images.
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Today I will begin focusing on anti-anticipatory reaction. That anticipatory fear has been a plague but I think I can get around it and avoidance will be a problem no more.
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I just got an appointment for Thursday, to see a doctor to begin treatment with tDCS. So thankful.
The depression had worsened and the psychiatrist I used to see who sees my child suggested I see a GP for antidepressants. I don't have a GP right now so I am thankful to have another solution.
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Very good experience with tDCS. Hope to find the money to go back and get on home remedy. Could just order the stuff myself and give it a go. Would be much less expensive.
With the few hours with the depression/anxiety lifted I can see how these triggers really paralyze me. I'm wondering if this remedy can free me to do what I need. We will see.
So much gives me anxiety. But I understand why. Now just to get beyond it.
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I am fortunate to have finally come to understand what lead to this great pain and total dis function.
Now to get relief. I'm taking a break from EMDR. The guy is kind but there is a little disconnect. Plus the tDCS treatment yesterday was extraordinary and gives me hope. If I can just put together the money. I can envision a real life. It could be such a relief, such a restoration.
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I gave lived my entire life crippled by my reactions to my unloving parents and brothers. Condemning, gotcha - more active than passive.
Now I may have come across something that could free me.
It is scary to hope.
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I have lived my entire life with varying levels of depression and anxiety. That window I had recently of a reprieve showed me what life could be. In those hours I felt like a totally different person. I thought differently and I was able to function. It was like being I paralyzed for a bit.
I have seen how my anxiety has shaped my behaviour and it has been terribly isolating. I can't help but wonder if there is any hope of having a group of friends and a social life in the new life I hope to gain.
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Heck yeah, there's hope.
One thing at a time. You're doing GREAT.
And Atta, Girl!
love
Hops
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Hey Hops. So good to see you. Your encouragement is so welcomed. It always cheers me.
I am so thankful to be able to at long last know what is going on with me, to be able to give it a name. One thing this allows is curtailing that extra "blaming." Things are not yet different but now I understand what has gripped me and why I have been stuck.
I am so thankful for having over a day without it and for having been introduced to a treatment that might resolve it. To see that being able to follow through is a function of my brain is very, very helpful
Yesterday I heard a story on the radio about a woman who had had a very, difficult childhood, given over to that state by her mother as a young teen. When she moved from resentment over her parents actions and resentment over what others had she found herself able to begin healing. Learning to be thankful for what I have rather than focus on what I don't (and I am really thinking relationships and belonging here - not material goods) then the triggers soften and are fewer. I am able to do just a bit more.
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This is a fantastic description of caustic N behaviours: http://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/
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This brief bit about the freeze response of trauma does a great job of describing what I experience on a daily basis. It is so helpful to read this. It is like an acknowledgement of what I have been experiencing, trying to name. Now I have and that is profoundly comforting.
http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/frozen-thaw-from-surrender.html
In the past when I tried to push though, I was unconsciously condemning myself over and over which was the equivalent of digging my own hole. It made things worse. Now that component is over, thank goodness. In many ways I think I am at the bottom of my decades long exploration to understand, "What is WRONG with me?" Now I know.
While bits of healing have been taking place the primary healing will be the healing of the traumatic freeze response. How remarkable it is to be able to write this down, make it tangible, hold it in my hand.
My triggers are mostly: rejection, failure, obligation and financial. I wonder if this knowledge will allow me to apply all I have to overcome it. That along with the tDCS treatments which I hope to begin soon.
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Teartracks thanks so much for sharing. It is a lonely journey, difficult to explain, difficult to understand. When I read your post I felt not so all alone.
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"Confession is good for the soul," they say. I brings the dark and buried parts of ourselves into the light, allowing us to acknowledge and own that darker part of ourselves and to release it of that powerfully controlling grip that it can have through our own self judgement.
I was chatting with a friend Wednesday when we careened into the topic of judgement, judgement we put on ourselves and on others. In truth the two are really one. I flash back to decades ago when I was going to a variety of al-anon groups and was introduced to the concept of "when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you." Initially a cunundrum that I couldn't or wouldn't fully unpack and yet couldn't let go of.
In time I came to see the painful truth of my judgements on others it it would take years before I could recognize that I was placing judgement on myself. I could only see the judgement I placed on others and more clearly the judgement placed on me. As we chatted Wednesday, something I knew came into a sharper focus. The judgements placed on me by my father and my mother and through them my brothers caused me to become bitter and resentful and unconsciously I accepted those judgements and perpetuated them on myself, ON MYSELF! I have been doing it to myself.
And in the reverse of that fingerprinting cliche, when I unconsciously judged myself I was extending it out to others, so full of resentment , doing a crazy two step dance of pushing people away by my bitterness and alienating myself as well.
Only as I have been peeling layers bak through the healing process, first relieving myself of the caustic anger to be caught in the horrific omnipresence of brutal, paralyzingly anxiety which has been always there underneath, I have come to learn so much about myself, so much about the human condition. And the most important for me now is seeing how I can now begin to shift away from this self accepted, self- inflicted judgement.
Being mindful of this pain is ridiculously hard. I tried for years but doing so brought pain I could not bear before. That pain was annihilating. But with the work that has taken me back to reveal the source of it all now allows me to feel it and hold it without being destroyed by it.
"Thoughts are real" Has a trite ring to it but it also stands on a strength of truth. But there is something deeper in there. Some of the power is before words or thoughts. That aside, the power of thoughts to harm, to heal is exactly where my focus is now.
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It is not so much what was done to me as how I reacted and continue to react. And I can learn to change my reaction.
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Today - I'm going to fight a war against this depression. I've lived with it far too long. I'm always thankful for the reprieves but when it returns it is always too much.
I've been having weird dreams lately - last night I was running. A couple of people were on the same pay and joined me. A woman joined one of the men and they started to chat with me. He said something about not running away and I answered that I was running to something.
Night before I had a recurring dream that I haven't had in a very long time. I have to go to the bathroom but the only toilet is in the hallway. With no options I use it and don't feel my usual shame but when I look there is poop on the floor beside me. Somehow I'm missed the toilet. So I try to pick it up before anyone notices but it makes a huge mess. ( this dream is all about shame and exposure.)
3 nights ago in my dream, I am standing with my father and mother and my father is rage at me about something I did. I feel the same shame and paralysis as a child. I hope for my mother to intervene but she doesn't. I remember that my brother had made the mistake and my mother acknowledges it. My father rages at me anyway. In spite of the shame and paralysis I see that his raging has nothing to do with me. (Had only I seen that as a child.)
These old themes clearly still haunt me. But their reappearance s a gift, a voice telling me to let them go. I am ready for them to go.
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I hate this stage of depression. I spend my days trying to stave off the worst of the yuck or working my thoughts for those minuscule lifts. But, I stay afloat by countering and knowing that this is not permanent. That is the worst of it all, that impending doom of no way out, and being stuck, unable to activate those things that will help me get out.
A week or so ago I called my psychiatrist who. I haven't seen I. Some years. He asked if I had a GP, when I said, "No," he suggested I see him to get a prescription for an antidepressant. That didn't help my feeling of helplessness, hopelessness. But deep inside I know there is a way out.
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Last night and this morning I was given a reprieve from the anxiety/dePression. Enough to allow memanwindow into seeing how anxiety has driven my fear and anger throughout my life. I am sonthankdul to understand what has been gOing on all of these years. Now to heal.
I continue to work on identifying negative and fearful thoughts.
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So , in some ways it doesn't feel as though I am progressing - bouts of deep depression and anxiety doesn't sound nor feel like progress and yet I am progressing. In the past 8 or 9 months I have steadily progressed, uncovering dark memories and feelings. These memories and feelings, no longer repressed expose me to the original pain along with all the tentacles that have reached into present life along the way. Now shame, hurt, and fear are connected to so much in life that the two despicable twins of depression and anxiety are so easily provoked.
Long ago I in deities the things that trigger for me. They at in general, rejection, and her red-headed step children failure, exclusion and condemnation.. And I will have to include barriers to goals.
As I make progress the way these triggers work becomes clearer and that allows me some power over them - minimal at first (where I am now) but the power grows. I won't be stuck here for too long.
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No you won't stay stuck!
You're enduring the weather of all this, including storms that come and then blow through--but you're still sailing true...
Atta girl, GS.
Eyes on the horizon!
(Hope you see some dolphins.)
hugs
Hops
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Thanks Hops.
I continue to work on changing the way my mind thinks. I am retraining my thoughts to overcome fears and reactions to rejection and fear of failure. It is slow going but somimportant.
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Here is my current process: become aware of trigger (usually feeling excluded), experiencing the flush of shame and rejection, then summon strength and determination and positive outlook. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I become increasingly aware of how submerged I have been in this dark feeling.
Another trigger is "obligation." It is related to not enough resources and feeling not good enough.
That "not enough resources" feeling is a deep wound related to betrayal. This may be even greater than the other.
But I am keeping my eye and heart on the knowledge that all of this can be overcome. Each time I shift my thought away from the pain to the belief that I am growing daily stronger I feel that strength surge. It is something like a B -12 shot. My first goal is to no longer fear the trigger. When that happens I will be on yet another level.
I continue to make progress and I am keeping my eye on that, focusing on the healing while not denying the pain.
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I keep getting blasted with memories from my 20s. They are filled with great sorrow, depression, failure, shame and hopelessness, a need to hide. I will pour compassion into these memories, shift them from the dark to the light. I needed my mother and my father to help guide me and they completely abandoned me. That pain is real and raw.
It is time to pour salve rather than rePress, to acknowlege and heal. Much more work but stronger with each step.
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Hi all I had an epiphany today about why certain comments my brother and my therapist said that bother me which is simply that they are personal responsibility freaks and a characteristic of that type of person lacks compassion and engages in victim blaming which is what both of them did to me. Their comments were way off the mark and both of them knew me well enough to know better.
They are both JERKS.
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Teartracs - what a powerful post. I want to say more, to hear more. But I can't even think what to say or ask. Thank you for sharing.
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These past three weeks I have been beyond stressed, unable to function, slowly grinding to a halt. It hit hard when I went to buy dinner and my card was declined. Finances in general cause me significant anxiety and shame but this was a repressed panic. I wasn't sure what it was, could have been several things - taxes, identity theft, etc.
I have been beyond disorganized since my mother died. That includes my bills and paperwork. I even called a friend to help me find my bank statements but she couldn't help. Today I found them, along with two envelopes from the bank I have moved around but not opened. My card was cancelled and replaced by the bank. It has caused me enormous pain and agony but there is one great benefit that will come from it and that is my determination to live more finically orderly. I feel profoundly relieved.
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Here is what I am currently struggling to understand, no matter how many definitions or intellectual understanding I seem to be able to learn, hear and understand, I can never wrap my head around these three things.
NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.
NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff - the living will, home maintenance or investments.
Being around her is like Kryptonite and it is the only time my "I have to give up, I can't handle this, disempowering self emerges." Somehow, when I visualize my Dad, I know I can't come to him with "I can't", I just do as he always said "Keep your nose to the grindstone" and I feel more empowered to work hard as I always knew he believed in me, but in many instances as wonderful as he was, I had to seek guidance for things he did not understand (which is rare, he was a very smart medical doctor, but doesn't understand the TV business or dating from the womens POV and certainly I doubt he ever recognized Moms Nism, although he had his own issues with her). The dismepowering self is a weird phenomoneom for me, almost like deafualt, of course she expects me to fail and she prefers it. With Dad, I cant look him in the eye when I feel this way, because I can sense its wrong.
Somehow, I wish I could do hypnosis or some other healing therapy that would kill off the disempowering self and activate more of my empowered self. (When I have another job, I think it will happen more often). The only good thing about disempowering self is when I am around people and I feel that, I know they are Ns, controllers and manipulators to AVOID at all costs.
EMPATHY, UNDERMINES GROWTH, KRYPTONITE and the DISEMPOWERING SELF
Yep, that's about it for today.
Hugs and Happiness to all my boardie friends. :)
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NMom is so selfish that she wants everyone around her at holidays, but has no empathy as to what fills our lives during holidays. Im 46, single, no kids and right now, no job, no health insurance and I rent my apartment. But somehow, none of those major failures are even of interest to her, she just wants me home.
NMom will marginalize me, vehemently discourage, sabotage and undermine anything associated with my growth, financial independence, relationship success etc, because she fears abandonment and only her needs matter. She has her own issues with fear/limitations and can't even manage her own stuff - the living will, home maintenance or investments.
Boy do these two paragraphs speak to me.
I have come to realize that I carry that feeling of disempowerment around with me. But bit by bit, the tool I was given from EMDR is helping to diffuse it. There is a link to the self use that I'll find and pits. But the past 2 days using this has broken through the gripping anxiety repeatedly. I move my eyes from left to right 10 to 100 times. I feel something drain through my neck almost the way it feels for sinuses to drain, as though a pipe opened up. Then my shoulders relax and I feel a definite physical relief.
Yesterday I ordered the brain stimulator and am very excited about that.
Having a technique that begins to give relief also seems to allow me insight to how gripping the self-loathing has been, how disabling the life long depression and anxiety gave been. This eye movement exercise works in the way I had hoped EFT would but didn't for me. I wonder want life would gave been like had I had this 10 years ago.
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Thanks GS for your comments. I hope the brain stimulator and Tapping works for you.
The disempowering self can be strong, especially in times where it has been activated before, like being between jobs. I can only deal with most of those things through some online hypnosis and meditations I frequently listen to at bedtime, they help me fall asleep. Then during daytime, I have to confront those things head on just by working through them and being aware of where I am affected by them. Things like being making calls for work, being assertive, believing in the best for myself, and staying autonomous (ignoring naysayers, avoiding frenemies and small minded people). Other than that, I am not sure how else to deal with it, also being aware of triggers helps.
Good luck to you - and check your inbox/email I sent you a personal message. :)
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Tapping does not work for he but the EMDR is giving me temporary relief which is a start. I'm hoping the tDCS gadget works as well as the one in the doctor's office. It costs under $150 v $2500 for the one from the doctor.
This EMDR technique (v the EMDR treatment wi a therapist) is giving me immediate release from anxious tension that has plagued me lifelong. My poorly trained brain however, immediately dials in for more trigger memories (mindset really.) but the interesting thing about this is that I continue to receive more and more insights. Plus things that happen in the present are not having lasting effects that they have all my life. So that is superbly positive.
I have an inkling that this process will have a cumulative effect but that it is like cutting down a forest one tree at a time. It takes persistence over time to make inroads. Well whether there is a big effect or not the small effect is something and I take comfort in that.
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My day was predictable. On the way to breakfast, I was thinking that NMom would call me to ask about TGiving again. She asked me last week and she knows I don't come home for holidays anymore ( 2007 xmas was last time). I am currently LC, which means only civil contact. I dont share anything about my life other than whether I have a job or not and nonsense about my two kitties, thats it. Every other aspect of my life is private and I prefer it that way.
Anyway, when I leave breakfast, I can see she called my cell phone. So, in the car I call her back and as is predictable, its a health problem. On friday she had a detached retina and had to have laser procedure that evidently did not repair it and she has to go back tomorrow. She never once asked about TGiving, but her history with these "medical crisis" always seem to come when she wants attention. I also do not speak to my brother anymore, (since xmas 2013) and so there is no one I can call to verify her story, which could be totally false as I have found out in the past. She is/was a hypochondriac. Sadly, I dont care much, whether its real or fake. She has played so many games of manipulation and control and I cannot get involved. I just stay detached.
But, life continues to be predictable.
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I understand, as I had an Nmom...but then again, her vulnerability
later in life was real.
Emotional detachment with civil LC sounds like a healthy approach.
I hope whatever her real or exaggerated medical crises,
you are able to continue with steady Ales-care.
Blindness is a very hard thing, so I hope the retinal re-repair is successful.
Fingers crossed you'll manage what you must but stay serene and well!
Hops
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Thanks so much Hops for your comments. I stick with Ales-care always. priority one. Biggest thing I can do for myself is watch any thoughts that come from the disempowered self, those always lead me astray. Overeating or overspending on credit are traps for me and the $$$ one makes me more vulnerable to her Nism.
Thanks, hope you all have a great holiday!
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Called NM yesterday, which I rarely do and I am fairly certain that the eye laser surgery is FAKE. I asked how it went and she stumbled to say it went OK.... then I asked who drove her there and back and she stumbled again. Can't say "brother" because she knows I might check. So, she drove herself. Highly unlikely. Asked about the post procedure and she could not give any details. I forgot to ask about the Doctor and the facility - those are usually the little details that I can check that she will claim she forgot because of her "short memory". BS. All of it.
But stayed on the phone talking about the dumb cats, the stock market and capital gains tax. She's a LOON.
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Oh Ales. I know that passive-aggressive, lying, manipulation stuff. It is so painful. I am sorry to read that you are NC or LC with your family. Not that it isn't smart and courageous of you but just that I so wish we had all come from loving, caring, nurturing families. We all needed that and we deserved it. I am glad we have each other here. Others simply don't or won't make the effort to hear and/or believe.
I'm also glad that you are able to see what she is up to and not be sucked in. But it is always painful deep down, especially during the holidays when we can't help but be reminded that we are alone in an unfortunate way.
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I discovered this today and really find it speaks to me. My therapists has spoken to me for years of Seligman's "learned helplessness." This person correlates it with the freeze response.
http://www.centerforhealingandimagery.com/articles/the-freeze-response/
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Thanks for this article GS. It explains what I went through as a child that I did not understand. I was actively discouraged and punished for being assertive, which is where the passivity comes from. I have had trouble with it until now. I have since swung to the other side of the pendulum now and have become very vocal, sometimes rude and hostile and I offer no apologies for anyone who tries to silence me in a non-verbal way.
Thanks for your post.
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Learned helplessness is also the disempowered self where we function far below our actual capacity as a result of oppression or verbal/emotional abuse.
And, thanks GS for your comments about LC and NC. Today I was thinking, NO BIG DEAL, its for the best and it is their loss, not mine.
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Ales - NC & LC were for the best for me too but I am still saddened that we were born into families for which this would be true.
I continue to learn more about myself and my predicament. These recent weeks I continue to see how my body physically reacts to the "freeze", " learned helplessness." There is a shot of adrenaline, like it is stuck on open. It is exhausting. I am moving from the understanding phase, the knowledge phase into the conscious phase of how the condemnation, long ago internalized fear, expectation of being rejected or failing trip a physical response, activation of the dread adrenaline surge. This is where the shut down comes from - a way to avoid the harsh criticism and shame response.
So the next move is to ward off or circumvent or avoid this long entrenched response. That is where the healing will take place. That is where I can move into action and out of "freeze" shut down. It is scary. I don't know how to make the leap but I am so thankful to see how I got here after all of these years of searching.
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GS - funny your post should mention these things. This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:
Sadness:
Be grateful for the opportunity to be independent (very few people can live without family, that makes us strong, not weak)
Its a GIFT.
Its for the BEST.
Disempowered Self:
Its an N Lie
Its a projection of their insecurities, not true statements about us
Its a GIFT
Rewire by laughing it off
Meditate on situations where the voicelessness (or freeze) occurs and visualize responding to it in words. I then write the verbal answers in my planner&journal to keep reinforcing it.
Some people will tell is being autonomous or NC is weakness or a defense, it is not, Autonomy is me managing my own life privately. Another way to look at NC is this:
The Heatlhy Ones
Take responsibility for their life
Take a stand for against perpetuating dysfunction
Promote peace through detachment
Have healthy independence
I am single and do spend the holiday by myself, probably working on scrapbooks and then going for Tgiving meal at a restaurant - went last year and it was great. Maybe take a long walk in my neighborhood and see the ocean (if its not windy). Other than that, happy to be by myself. In my town there are lots of single gatherings I could attend, but that makes the loneliness worse, because I go just to say I had "plans" but not because I actually enjoy it or the people.
Anwyay, a happy holiday to everyone here on the board!
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Oh thanks for sharing. That us a top
Notched perspective.
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Periodically I find myself writing, writing, writing.. As if writing will bring the dark out into the conscious. Today is one of those days.
It continues to be mysterious to me that knowing and understanding what plagues me does not immediately release me. It I take comfort in understanding. As it took me decades to get here. But I need to move forward into healing. The eye move,ent is helping but ironically, as I do it, more memories come up, bringing up more of the trigger pain which needs more eye movement.
I am also learning how my body has reacted for decades, bracing for wallop that is coming. The bracing has been mostly unconscious but now that I am getting relief I am becoming more and more aware of the bracing. MIT is a physical muscular tension that I feel predominantly in my shoulders,and neck. The very place I have held my tension for my entire life..
I'm thinking to just keep processing. To try to move forward with out retreating. That is the biggest thing possible for me. It is scary. But it shouldn't be. We will see.
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For you, GS...Happy Thanksgiving!
(And the same to everyone.)
https://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/
love
Hops
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One more word on TGiving.
Called my NMom yesterday and she is wistful, a little sad that no one spends thanksgiving with her at her home anymore. Last "family" thanksgiving was 2007, and it was me, my NM, Brother, his wife, and her parents (6 adults total). My brothers two sons from previous marriage were with their mother. Anyway, point is, my sister in law had a baby that year and their family dynamic changed, all their holidays, her parents (yes, she is an only child and they live 10 minutes away) come to them. Mom has not figured out the family dynamic has changes and so should she. NMom is devoid of family values has no interest in assimilating to the new family or respecting them. They invite her, but she doesnt come over, stays at home alone. They have good boundaries and dont put up with her games and non-sense. They invite but do not beg or cajole. My brother excludes me from family holidays, they have been in a house for four years and I have never been invited there for any event or holiday, yet somehow, NM doesnt notice, nor does she care that she triangulated us and we dont get along. Last year my brother insisted that we stop exchanging xmas gifts. I was hurt, giving that one christmas gift was the last tie I had to him and it is gone, but I will get over it. There is probably hurt on both sides, but I think hes treated me much worse than I ever treated him, but then, everyone says that. Its both, but I dont directly know what I did to hurt him. He's made obvious attempts to exclude me (all holidays, graduations, his wedding), Ive never done that to him. ANd, then he calls to explain to me why I should not be hurt about not exchanging gifts, that was the real slap in the face. If I write a letter or confront in any way, I will be seen as - "see, this is why you are single". He went to this seminar called Landmark Forum and came out as a personal responsibility a-hole - they speak their "truth" without any concern for the other person so they can be "complete" with them....total garbage, does more harm than good.
Another quick note - not a reason but an aside to this. Mom lives in a house that currently has no oven, no running water in kitchen, no kitchen floor, just cement, no heat in house. Kitchen was being remodeled when Dad passed away in June 2000 and she called and fired the workmen because she did not know how to manage/handle them. There is enough to fix the house, there always was, even though she makes false claims about her finances and projects a poverty attitude (she doesnt want outside people or us kids to take advantage of her) but she refuses to manage repairs, keep the place maintained, spend money or trust the people to do repairs. This is directly an issue with her Nism, fear and distrust of others, not money itself. House is not a nice place anymore, its depressing, in disrepair and becoming cluttered. I used to think she was the neat one, Dad was the mess, but she's proven that is not correct and she merely organized and cleaned to his standards. Yes, I have seen the hoarder shows and grief over death of spouse is a trigger for hoarding, she is nowhere near that but I do recognize she has the personality traits, fear, indecision, lack of priorities, things that are broken/not used are kept, hangs on to things for sentimental value etc. She has alot of those.
Anyway, so glad to be out of that dysfunctional rats nest, not wanting to go back at all. Now, I can work on my life in peace.
Happy (belated) thanksgiving to all.
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Hops, hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. Now I'm working to keep the blues at bay.
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Ales - your post hits hard. I could have written it. Since my mother's death my child and I have been totally estranged from my brothers. It is best but it is a huge loss.
I have adopted the philosophy that my reaction to the hurts and rejections has had an effect on my brain but the brain being changeable can be corrected. I was taking some nice supplements that has been helping me but in the business didn't take them yesterday and boy can I tell.
Not a good day but my little device is due today.
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Writing here helps me see that I am making progress. Most days it is as though I am swimming in a perpetual lap pool - putting out effort but getting nowhere. But what I believe is that I am progressing and as I do, as I process so much crap more comes along to be processed. So the level never changes.
But I am aware of a profoundly improved attitude in all regards. That is worth so much. The resentment and bitterness have all but disappeared. Now I am knee deep in fear and expectation of rejection, failure, not deserving & not being good enough.
I am painfully aware that these have always been there but they were repressed under all the other.
I am remembering and celebrating the process of healing every day even while I continue to recognize how the dark stuff manifests in my life. When I become aware I am able to replace it.
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Tt - that is fascinating. Both parts: being obedient to what you know is right and that the understanding is not what you would have Predicted.
I do hope you will elaborate on "being obedient to what you know is right." I love the sound of it. And I am so Particularly drawn to the concept of knowing what is right.
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Bits and pieces still come to me, at times almost daily.
The other day I saw a Program in which a very sick man had exerted stunning mind control over his wife and children. He would come to light when he murdered 9 of his children rather than release the youngest to their mothers ( his nieces.) it would take some of his teenaged children years to see that he was not a loving man worthy of their respect.
This was so helpful to me as I see my own father having blinded me to his warped shortcomings until he began to lose control.
Sunday, Wayne Dyer, did another PBS special. This one had a common focus on the power of the mind and feeling on our own realities. And then, this morning a Harvard professor whose field is mindfulness was on the Diane Rehm Show.
This trifecta redirdcts me to continue on this path toward focusing my thoughts and mind on my strengths while acknowledging my fears and transforming them.these experiences go a long way to encouraging me. That hope and belief and confidence are growing. The outward changes will begin to be evident in time.
It has taken me a very long time to be strong enough to look at my fears and my pain because this agony was intolerable. Bit by bit the pain is more tolerable and that allows me to look at it and process it rather than repress it and run.
That need to repress has been totally tied in with my helplessness. The pain made me feel as though I needed some type of justice, some type of intervention, some acknowledgment. Those longings actually left me in a bad way as I felt dependent on an outside force. Now that I am learning to open up to these lifelong excruciating pain and loss and learning how to process it, I am gaining power and confidence and healing.
Still a long way to go but I am much stronger than I was 6 months ago and even 3 months ago and even 1 month ago.
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Thanks for your post GS about the TGiving and loss of brothers relationship. Today as I was walking the phrase necessary loss came into my head and as sad as this is, I do feel these losses are necessary to my growth.
Happy to hear you are doing better in the last couple of months. Much continued success and improvement out of the darkness.
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Ales, I agree with you abOut necessary losses. It saddens me but if I just focus on the truth of it then I feel strengthened by it. I love the way you are able to put things in words - succinct and powerful.
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My brain stimulator gadget came tonight. I have already given it a whirl. I can hardly wait until morning to do it again. I was amazed that I could feel it working so quickly. The effect can be cumulative. My fingers are crossed. When I did it at the doctors office the effect was stronger after an hour or so. I'll see how this goes.
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Im doing terrible today and have been for the last two days. Cant seem to shake this feeling of doom and hopelessness. Cant get motivated and I feel useless to get done what needs to get done. :?
Trying to emotionally override this nonsense.... :?
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Im feeling so much better today, like night and day. So EMPOWERED today, I feel physically better and my negative thoughts change so much...
Of course after I posted yesterday, I get a disturbing NM call, almost threatening me, asking me questions about a visiting cousin and some inheritance remark she claims I said. I don't remember it and its not something I would say, but the feelings behind it were true. Just more manipulation and gaslighting. Lucky for me one of horoscopes said stay honest and avoid emotional blackmail...which I do anyway, but it was helpful to know that it might be coming.
Have a great day everybody, mine will probably be OK today..
And pray I get an interview for this job I applied for.... a new job is my Christmas wish...
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Ales - we must be twins. Boy do I hate it. I am beginning to believe that while our emotions effect our brains and our brains can affect our emotions there is a way to make things better by changing the brain directly.. I may not be making sense but anyway, the point I'm making is that I am not so hard on myself because of what I haven't gotten done. With my little brain stimulator I get just enough relief for just long enough to be able to get a few things done that otherwise would just be left.
Oh well. My own post is boring me to death so I'll just leave it with this last thought. The dominant feeling of doom and reluctance to move forward may come out of my emotional reaction to experiences but now I see that repairing the wiring in my brain can really make a difference.
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How crazy is that? You felt much better and even when your NM called stirring things up you didn't crash. That's great! So glad for you.
Hate the BS stuff about what she was stirring up. Really hate that you aren't sure whether your cousin would have said that or not.
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Just checking in.
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So thankful that I have had two days of pushing through resistance and getting things done. If I am able to function on this level or higher I can definitely break through.
Day by day I am seeing progress is shifting my thoughts and perspective, becoming continually more aware of unconscious thoughts that trigger painful feelings of shame, anxiety and depression attached to profound condemnation and expectation of failure and rejection.
Making progress.
Listening to a fascinating segment on a Radio Lad about learned Paralysis and healing by tricking the brain.
I am discovering more science weekly that supports this way of healing.
So thankful.
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Hi GS,
Can you share a link or name of the gadget?
I'd like to look it up.
Thanks, and I'm so happy to hear your multiple mini-successes!
They are adding up to new days in this healing-oriented life you are now living...
And with days, then months and years and all of it flows.
love
Hops
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I sure will Hops. I'll send more detail info later on when I have more time. It's called the Brain Stimulator. They were actually on nightline after I ordered mine. I'm beginning to have some good results.
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I am focusing on the three areas of deepest wounding: neglect, rejection, and condemnation. Over recent months the pain from my original woundings has surfaced from decades of repression. Now, at long last I am face to face with it day in and day out all day long even through the night. Did I not believe this was on the path to healing I would not be able to bear it.
My goal toward healing is not to linger in the feelings in response to these woundings but to embrace them and move into the feelings of consolation and healing.
Allowing the feelings, being mindful of them, aiming to be mindful of the shift into love and comfort and healing.
I don't expect this to be quick but it is important and I am writing so that as the days tick by
, if I get discouraged I can look back and reference this for encouragement. I have not been short on determination but long on discouragement and solace. Both of those can be generated.
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HI GS - thanks for your comments. Yes, it was a weird pms thing where everything negative is magnified.
Its been a week and things are good, I have felt good all week. I started the "handy" diet and that is working, lost about 4lbs which is probably 3 lbs pms bloating and 1lb actual weight loss. Feels good and eating is under control. With this plan, I can make it through holidays without weight gain and still enjoy a holiday meal and new years brunch. I wrote out the holiday foods I must have or I will feel deprived and its a short list - 4 things. If I can have one serving of each, I will have enjoyed the holiday without overindulging. Handy diet includes shopping and party strategies to keep things on track and is very helpful.
Also made an inventory of disempowering thoughts (career, finances, dating, emotional/forgiveness, progress) that keep me stuck in vicious cycle and that is also very helpful. Makes it easier to stop analyzing/worrying and do more work, and less procrastination because I am in a stuck place is 1/2 the battle.
Hope all is well here for everyone....holidays are getting close. What is everyone giving themselves for the holidays? Me, not sure yet, could be a pair of ice skates or something else- not sure yet. :D
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I have small periods (often at night) during which I feel very comfortable and clear. Those moments give me clarity and a peek into what being out of depression and anxiety is like and that gives me hope.
This is slow but I am persevering. I am in a place from early childhood working through those dread feelings resulting from rejection and being belittled and the learned expectation that it would continue to pile on.
I have made progress on not feeding into the constant processing of rejection and criticism. But that has been constant during my entire life until recently. It will not go away immediately but I will get free and I won't give up.
I had an xperience yesterday that highlighted my "expectation". I had a meeting with my child's trust officer. I was not looking forward to it. It was a new officer (after just a year) the last one made is so difficult to get funding for Outward Bound even though it had been part of the dialogue before the account was set up. I really drug my feet and had to work hard to not bail on the appointment. I was expecting the worst. When we met and I began describing my child's struggles and needs he stopped dead in his tracks and said I could be describing his son. He and his wife have been through such a similar experience. It highlighted how negative my expectations are but it also shows me how much room I have to go.
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I am having such a bad morning. I am so disappointed. None of my tricks are working. I know it won't kart but I had to tell someone. So much on my shoulders and so many struggles.
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Hang in there GS - we must be on the same parallel plane.
My NM calls me on wednesday tells me she is 10 minutes away from my place and can she stop in....such a mistake for me to say yes. She came she visited, it was superficial we only talk cats, weather and obesity TV show. I cant talk real issues with her (never could) and I dont open myself up to her at all anymore.
Anyway, she brought of bunch of stuff, first I thought they were gifts, they were not, they were hand me downs of bath, makeup and other beauty type stuff. All extra junk I dont need.
Next day (yesterday) I realized this was a game, she would have dropped them here as an excuse for coming down and checking on whether I am at home or not.
I called her yesterday and told her that I dont need or want useless hand me downs and not to do that again.
These boundaries become a game for these people, the only way for me is to get a new job and end this I'm unemployed, I need my inheritance mess. Then I can say NO permanently.
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AN EPIPHANY HERE:
I have to add something else. As I was walking home from getting coffee this morning, I was thinking that children of Narcissists become passive aggressives not because of weakness of their own character or personality but as a direct result of the Narcissistic rage that being assertive yields.
I was thinking of writing my NMom a confrontation letter to explain why there are no holidays, no calls, no visits and why we have no relationship but realize she won't listen, understand, nor will it resolve anything, it will only cause more problems. What I realized was that before I knew that Ns cannot be confronted because they dont have the emotional intelligence/empathy to deal with my feelings, I realized that as a kid, I just passively had to be abused as there was no other way. Any passiveness I had a kid and now as an adult was a conditioned response, not a conscious choice.
I hope all therapists get this so they can adequately support passive/aggressive patients. Its not as simple as just saying "Assert yourself" its a scary experience for people (who also lack these skills) who have had boundaries violated in the past and have little expectation their NO will be respected in the present/future. Im not scared of asserting boundaries but do find it comes with a backlash that is sometimes unpleasant or I am unprepared to deal with.
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Whew Ales, that was quite an insight. It felt like a bombshell.
I have figured out that mornings are the worst for me. Nights I get a reprieve. Holiday depression is setting in big time. No invitations for holiday gatherings from any relatives. My mother and I included family for YEARS. NOT THAT MY CHILD AND i are completely alone we are totally left out. VERY painful!!,
The child of an N is trained to not respond normally. In a normal family when a child expresses hurt or pain over treatment they usually receive comforting. In an N family they are lambasted and often retreat within not free to express hurt and pain which then turns into repressed anger, roiling, broiling over the years.
Passiveness is trained in.
For me it became a learned helplessness which I am now working to undo. But, even though I hate it, I am angry that I have no one to help or be helpful, to make tasks and pkanning and celebrating short shrift with.
I feel it taking a toll but with that wave of feeling I am reminded not to allow THAT feeling to take over. I want to lapse into that feeling if hurt which evokes a passive result. But I cannot allow it. Rest in the pain or fight for a spirit of hope and gratitude for what I have. It is like the choice of one lost in the frigid cold who wants to give into the fatigue but whose life demands the battle.
My life demands the battle - in spite of the extreme fatigue.
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Thankfully my little gadget is helping.
The wellspring of my depression and anxiety are the fruits of my reaction to abandonment, rejection, belittlement, and condemnation (all forms of rejection) deposited on the agar created at birth and triggered by connective memory over and over and over again throughout each day.
My mind on autopilot retrenches the wiring that feeds them. My willed thoughts and food and exercise and supplements soften them. I cannot give up this battle. Ops - re figure it to non-conflict terms.
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Hopelessness over time hacked away at my persistence but now I only have persistence and time, time to retrain my brain. That requires desensitizing as well. The depression and anxiety triggers are attached to countless memories and everything that reminds me of them. So That's why desensitization is key - to stop the endless triggering.
I have been caught in depression before and come out of it. But that's one of the things about depression is that it is so difficult to remember what it is like to be out of it. Still it is important to use imagination and hope and determination.
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Today I am toggling back and forth between feeling the rejection and feeling what it is like to be free. I take this as a sign of progress and impending healing. The rejection is looming large and the experience of it - seeing how the pain of rejection led to intense agony, accompanied by fear and expectation of rejection until those three threads became intertwined to make up the very fabric of my existence.
Of course now I must replace those fibers. But I must also let this insight seep from the unconscious into my consciousness and flow on out, replaced with profound love and acceptance.
The greatest agony of rejection logically must connect to the fear of death and the primordial struggle for survival. It is that very basic.
I continue to get relief and perhaps healing (uncertain about this) from the EMDR.. I can feel something drain through the lymphatic system at the base of my neck and then a relief and calming each time I do it. And along with it a slight lessening of the heavy, ponderous psychic pain plaguing me lifelong.
I believe I am healing and moving toward freedom for a life to be lived.
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I discovered a guy named Ross Rosenberg who writes about n people.
As I watched one of his videos on how controlling N people are I was thinking about how I was trained to give my power away. I have been aware for years that on some level I was waiting, waiting, waiting for my parents to give me permission to take back my power. In this process I became a disempowered victim waiting to be rescued, saved. And though I know better intellectually I sadly recognize that I am still waiting for rescue. My power comes from taking the reins myself. That very thought provokes fear.
THAT is one of the psychological conditioning that I will be overcoming now. Along with that condition and the lack of help comes anger and bitterness a sense of unfairness, all of which is the antithesis of empowerment.
I am tired, very, very tired. Part of me sees taking charge, being in charge as exhausting. But it is NOT being in charge that is exhausting.
Bringing it all to the light, all that ugly, dark repressed shaming past and disempowering sense of failure and rejection. Exposing it to the light. Cleaning house, airing out. Other humans cannot destroy me, cannot take my strength away just because I have failed in the past. Only my owning shame can cause me to fail.
Step by step. Bit by bit. I am healing and strengthening. Growing and being accepted.
It has been a hard road but I have never given up and never will. I am getting stronger.
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My father's OCPD taught me that values were governed by "should" & "ought". It took me far into adulthood to realize life doesn't work this way. Those values fueled my bitterness but also led me to expect things to be done because they should be done. That included being included in things like the broad family celebrations. But "should" takes away personal responsibility and sets up for pain.
Opening the doors and windows to see the shoulds and expectations and skewed values and beliefs that have imprisoned me in the past. Cutting those binds, leaving those values and expectations and resentments and excruciating pain behind.
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I discovered a guy named Ross Rosenberg who writes about n people.
As I watched one of his videos on how controlling N people are I was thinking about how I was trained to give my power away. I have been aware for years that on some level I was waiting, waiting, waiting for my parents to give me permission to take back my power. In this process I became a disempowered victim waiting to be rescued, saved. And though I know better intellectually I sadly recognize that I am still waiting for rescue. My power comes from taking the reins myself. That very thought provokes fear.
LOL. I discovered him about a week ago also. I watched two or three of his videos. Very interesting stuff.
Oddly my response to needing to be rescued and saved was that I planned to do it through my career, thinking if I worked hard enough, cooperated and was kind to all, I would be rescued by my own success. HA! What a crock that turned out to be - all I got was people to tell me it was never enough, who controlled me to take advantage of my cooperative nature and exploited my kindness as a weakness.
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Processing a lifetime of rejection and hatred directed towards me. The anticipation of both. That's the paralysis. I'm at the root of it all. Working he process. I don't know if I can speed it up. Of course I would like yo but I am working it, working it. Moving out of victim hood.
Need to address sense of obligation and shutdown bitterness tied to that. The juvenile paint, "Why do I have to?" Focus on tapping into universal motherly love. Replace the dark with the light. Focus on the light coming in, not the dark going out. That's the pkanning. Return to it when distracted, over and over and over again.
I'm on the right path.
If I get off I will be notified.
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Oh Ales - what synchronicity.
That "work hard" leading to rescue is so painful isn't it. I have seen it in me. But then it didn't and I was list, angry and bitter.
Something in an N childhood, the controlling nature juxtaposed by their abandonment somehow leads to deep seated belief that performing well enough will bring acceptance?
Such pain in ripping these scabs wide open. Such pain, hope and doubt all a jumble.
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I learned something. I knew abandonment was an issue for me but I have thought rejection and the incessant criticism/not good enough was the whole root. Clearing stuff away today I see abandonment by my mother was more foundational. Had she stood with me, taught me anything, participated with me, worked with me, helped me ever, I would have had more strength to tolerate the rejection until I could get free.
Abandonment is a type of rejection but. It is also a set up for failure and that is a trap that I have stepped into over and over until it became ingrained. So now I must spring it, without fear.. No victim..
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Oh TT, such a beautiful metaphor. So touching to read that you found the "grandpappy" of all the keys. I will keep trying them. Each one ingetmbrings me closer.. Cheers. Thank you for sharing.
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How many roots can there be???
I have never dealt with my mother wounds. They are erupting in spades. Underneath the abandonment stuff is shame, deep, deep shame, the profound sense of not being good enough and anger at being shamed and rejected. I dug around a bit, just a small bit. I found a lacuna of self-hatred. It has been there always and is quite deep. I have covered it up my entire life but now I scape away the collected detritus hiding it. The pain is crippling so I apply a salve of mindfulness and EMDR to ease the hurt. Cup by cup I am emptying the pool. How deep is it all? I have no idea but I will keep clearing and emptying with the faith that in time the cumulative of the work will reduce the pain enough to function and perhaps flourish..
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Argh. This mother stuff and self hatred is some tough stuff. I totally understand why I have resorted to avoidance/paralysis. It has been one tough road to hoe. I have an appointment in late Jan. To see a psychiatrist. I think a couple of months on an antiabxuety would allow me enough time with a solid floor below me to build up my strength. Right now I don't know from day to day and hour to hour if I will be functioning vthat is a tough way to exist.
But between now and late January I need to get somethings done. So I am focussing on healing and committing to exercise, eating nutritiously, sleeping and taking my supplements regularly. As simple as that sounds it is difficult for me.
This EMDR gives me something to fall back on in times of greatest anxiety so that is a plus.
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I need to end this job search with victory so I can better assert boundaries and go NC. Ive been suffering needlessly for far too long..
I was saying today that I forgive all the negativity of the people Ive had to deal with, Im grateful for the awareness, experience and lessons, and I look forward to ending the manipulation and conflict and finally having some autonomy and peace.
I wish the same for everyone here at the board....
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I've been binge watching old episodes of The Amazing Race. I am so drawn by the variety of ways people deal with the stress of the competition and difficult tasks and situations. In one season the boyfriend is calm and even keeled and the woman is high strung. At one point she yells at him to become more anxious. It reminded me of childhood memories of my father demanding such a reaction.
I'm also remembering how I wasn't allowed to be happy when he was angry or irritated.
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Ales - what a great approach. I think it helps profoundly.
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Sadly, I came across a chart I made in 2006 about dating - a three step chart of things I was learning and I discover a couple of paragraphs about my Mom and how hurtful she was to me even during this time. This was pre-2008 and my discovery of her narcissism, but the issues are all still the same.
The good side is - I know her Nism/abuse true and has been for a very long time. During that time, I was always nice to her and we "got along" but I did lash out at her earlier that year over some dating game stuff that was evident to me it came from my abusive upbringing, i.e guys playing mental/crazymaking games and then turning it on me to feel bad.
The bad side is that I have been dealing with this for my entire life without resolution, so when a therapist tells you that you are "not yet ready to move on" that is complete and utter BS. I was more than ready to move on when I saw my T from 2008 to 2010, but instead of being supportive and offering solutions (nothing in his book talks anything about resuming financial independence and NC, the two solutions I need, I think its a foreign concept to him) he took advantage of my disempowered state both financially and emotionally.
Anyway, I have less than 3 pages in my journal left, and one of those pages is just an acknowledgement that maybe trying to solve these problems IS the problem, maybe its time to stop the pursuit of "solving things" and just get on living my life as best I can.
I am going to be off the board until the New Year, so all the best to everyone and to Dr. G as well. Im grateful to you all for the lessons and friends I have here. :D
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Focusing on the stuff that is presenting itself to me - anger, hurt & self hatred. The earliest pain of rejection is very powerful. Time will ell if allowing this to emerge and acknowledging it whole using EMDR will bring relief. Time will tell.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w
Great video from Ross Rosenberg with instructions on setting boundaries and other things. Some of us here are not co-dependents, but information still practical and relevant for all.
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I had an extraordinary dream last night. It wasn't the scene or the action but the feeling. I was in my therapist's office and my loving mother figure was there. I felt loved and healed. I didn't want to move - not in the dream and not in my sleep and not now as though to move would break the spell. But in that feeling I could get all the back log done and it was great.
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http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/shame-disengaged-families.html?m=1
I have never heard this phrase "disengaged family". But this helps enormously, explaining why I fell into such profound shame. It feels as though this author has embraced me and held me in her arms the way most mothers do. It also affirms to me (indirectly) why I was so angered when she would sit oblivious to why I was hurt, frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, lonely, etc. Now I understand it triggered the earliest infantile wounding and shaming.
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Found another brief page about shame being difficult to treat with EMDR on a page by a guy who trains therapists to deal with shame.
The pieces are fitting together.
I hate using the EMDR for shame feelings because it stirs them up and intensifies them before they ease but I know it is a way out so I commit to doing it.
I
Also think I will try to use it proactively with issues that I know are shamed - those which I shut down on. My memories are increasing about how shutting down and avoidance often saved me from my fathers wrath at least temporarily. These memories help me understand how the pattern got started. Now I must muster the courage to face it and endure through the desensitization process. Yuck.
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Just read this - ” the judgmental self us critical and rejecting of us and of others in many ways . But most especially, the judgmental part of us is rejecting of our wounded self.the judgemental part of us may see the wounded child as too needy, too vulnerable, too much of a burden, too big of a problem, not deserving of our time, an embarrassment, and even a threat."
Wow. I sure could have written that myself. Very touching.
It goes on. Each sentence more poignant, more probing than the one before. It all touches the ache within me, causing me the Cty out in painful recognition.
The key to understanding this part of ourselves is that this part has been trying desperately to protect us from harm that we secretly fear we deserved.
Www.nacr.org/Wordpress/37/recovery-from-childhood-trauma
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Found another brief page about shame being difficult to treat with EMDR on a page by a guy who trains therapists to deal with shame.
The pieces are fitting together.
I hate using the EMDR for shame feelings because it stirs them up and intensifies them before they ease but I know it is a way out so I commit to doing it.
I
Also think I will try to use it proactively with issues that I know are shamed - those which I shut down on. My memories are increasing about how shutting down and avoidance often saved me from my fathers wrath at least temporarily. These memories help me understand how the pattern got started. Now I must muster the courage to face it and endure through the desensitization process. Yuck.
The deeper I get into this the more complicated I see the emotions are, so contradictory and twisted around one another.
Getting in touch with very immature response. Refusal to act as an only way to exert power. Attached to intense anger. And sense of impotence. And being a victim waiting for rescue which I HATE.
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Today I am pushing out of avoidance into the stuff and using desensitization. It turns my stomach inside out - nausea.
I keep finding more and mire sites that describe my pain and struggle. They really help. Affirm and comfort.
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I just found Pete Walker who totally gets the traumatizing of childhood emotional neglect. He has 11 techniques to use. I feel strongly that as I continue to ask I am receiving each next step.
http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
Life saving and hope giving.
I'll be concentrating on comforting that terrified child who would have done anything for acceptance even though she/I expected rejection. This just opens up memory and flashbacks of how my neediness led to so much rejection throughout my life. So painful to see but hopeful in that I no longer have to participate in it. Angry at all the pain but hopefully for relief.
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I feel like I'm going home. I will work this until I'm free. They cannot hurt me in my own home. Though I like to hide it causes me great loss. I must push forward. I must.
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I am deep in the pain today. This is where I have to be to move forward. It is agonizing but I welcome this. I have worked many years trying to get to this place where I can access that original wounding, no longer repressing but extricating those internalize voices. I expect that I will be posting a lot giving voice to my pain and this process of healing. Giving voice ma
Makes the healing real.
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SO first thing is to face the kitchen, experiencing the pain, giving voice to the voices, sympathizing with the me who was so severely criticized and abandoned. It really hurts.
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In my experience resisting unavoidable encounters with depression and fear accounts for more than the lion's share of the PTSD client's pain.
From http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm
When you are ready the teacher will appear.
Very comforting.. I have moved into not resisting. I can tell by a number of things that I have fallen into a depression and yet I don't feel sad and not really down per se but I am completely immobilized..I hate it but I know it is temporary..and I expect I am on the verge of real, life changing healing. It has been slow but ever steady since the beginning of the summer.. I can bear the slowness because the progress becomes steadily clearer.
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Your steadiness and positivity are awe inspiring, GS...
may the extra weight lift soon.
Headway...you are still steering true.
Atta YOU,
Hops
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My depression may have broken this evening, much like a fever breaks. I'll know tomorrow. Suddenly I felt better. Then the heavy blanket and darkness lifted and I felt like getting things done. My fingers are crossed.
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Good on you, GS, if so.
You deserve it after all this hard work.
Kudos
Izzy
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Dear GS,
So Happy for your progress....
Moonlight
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I'm in touch with a very juvenile part of myself. A self sabotaging child angry thAt my mother and my father didn't help me and punished me for failing when I needed help. So somewhere I began failing in massive obvious ways longing for someone to help, needing help, nurture. But I am no longer a child. I am able to provide for myself now.
Praying that now at the crux I am able to overcome, heal and get to the other side.
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Paring down to core issues.
Obligation and resentment
This article from Psychology Today identifies resentment of obligation as a normal reaction to relationship with an N or BPD. Now to cut through it.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-in-relationships
My experience is that when I identify an issue that needs resolution that the way to healing comes. I'm counting on it. This has held me back my entire life. My resentment has triggered a childlike, powerless tantrum and refusal to step up to the plate. I'm ready to mature and take my responsibility. The time is here.
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These past two months may have been the most difficult of my life. Yesterday as I was about to give hope of isolating the "thing" and hope of healing it all coalesced.
For most of my life I was totally unaware that I was actually hated by each member of my FOO. I was even oblivious to their permanent state of contempt. My mother held me with contempt but only when I needed something (like compassion) or wasn't serving her. The others always despised me but said, "I love you." What a terribly confusing way to go through life. I can tell you rejection and love are totally jumbled for me.
This paralysis is the product of self hatred that grew out of being hated by FOO and it's confusion with love. For many years I have been aware of my fathers confusion of love and obligation but until now I was not aware that I had love and contempt totally twisted together. Unfortunately I now know that the hatred I experienced was internalized as self hatred and a profound sense of only deserving the worst in life, little good and mostly punishment. Consequently, I have been paralyzed, unable to do the things required of me waiting for the unavoidable shame, rejection and punishment.
That is a concise description of the hell and prison I have been living in. Now I pray that three is nothing more horrific to excavate and that these tools I have been acquiring can loose me from this torment and torture. If you are a praying person, please pray for me.
http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/07/16/being-hated-feeling-hated-overcoming-self-hatred/
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HI GS - I hope you are doing OK. Your post made me feel very sad - I felt much the same as you did about people who claim to love when what they really do is undermine and hate. I read the article and saw the site it came from and my initial reaction is that what a contrast it is to sites on Nism.
Also, alot of what you were talking about sounds like energy healing - not yet something I believe- but I have seen interesting videos on Youtube about "cutting cords of negativity" as a meditation, affirmation and hypnosis. I can't recommend anything, but thinks its an interesting concept to explore.
Anyway, I am thinking about you and wishing you the best in your recovery and healing. The last two months have been tough for many, so hang in there, think of its like the dark of winter and spring is coming (literally and figuratively).
All the best to you, Alesa
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Thanks so much Alesa. The article was interesting. When I read something that confirms my experience it gives me a boost. This struggle is so alienating but reading something like that helps me feel understood and for some reason that is more valuable than having a handful of friends care. This "disease" is so bizarre and few people understand at all. It puts the ground back under my feet to understand why I have struggled so.
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I am back on a learning curve. I am beginning to see that my coping technique has been to avoid - avoid rejection, condemnation etc. but everything I did and do is tied to feeling rejected and "not good enough" and not deserving.
Getting to this pain which I have repressed lifelong in really horrible. I see why I have gotten where I am. It will be the most difficult thing in my life to face this and get beyond. But I believe I can do it.
Avoidance is a kind of a double bind. I. Not sure how I will do it but I do know that for every level that I have faced the way out has appeared as well. The only thing I fear is staying where I am.
I have to laugh at myself because as soon as I post this I will by habit be pulled into avoidant tactics. I can feel it pulling on me even as I type. This will be the most difficult shift of my life. But I know I must do it and I know I can.
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This is it. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201005/avoidance-anxiety-self-sabotage-how-running-away-can-bite-you-i
First step ironically is to do nothing rather than avoid. Sounds crazy. But if I do nothing rather than something to avoid until I have the power to address the task at hand it will bring me one step closer. I have thought for years that I was paralyzed but now I see that I have been avoiding. So now, rather than picking any activity rather than cleaning, housework or paperwork I am going to NOT do my primary avoidant behaviors - TV, internet, sleeping. Rather I will set aside specific times to be present and mindful to the task. I'll start out small but frequent, not expecting action but facing avoidance, in other words, even if not doing the task, keep it present in mind rather than doing ANYTHING else.
We'll see.
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This is stunningly difficult.
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I feel like I have never been in this much pain in my life but that isn't true. I have always been in this pain - my entire life. I have just repressed it. The shame is almost intolerable. The feeling of rejection is crushing but I know it does not have to always be this way. But the change will only come if I address this pain and face it.
It is so difficult. But I must.
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Sitting with the pain, using Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided mindfulness allows me to be present to it without moving into avoidance - where I have been living my entire life. How long til the bounds are I loosed? It really doesn't matter. There is no other direction to move in now that I am aware of these binds..
Profound self- hatred and fear and expectation of rejection bound into avoidance patterned into me from my first days. Now the blind has been removed.
I long to be free, to be whole.
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What a gorgeous, loving, humane thing to say:
Peace will unfold before you as far as you can see.
Hops
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I feel like I have never been in this much pain in my life but that isn't true. I have always been in this pain - my entire life. I have just repressed it. The shame is almost intolerable. The feeling of rejection is crushing but I know it does not have to always be this way. But the change will only come if I address this pain and face it.
It is so difficult. But I must.
It's tough going, GS. I've never found a short cut or a way of bypassing it. But it does ease, and lift, and move aside to make room for other (better) things eventually. Be kind to yourself during this time, take baths, walk, talk, write, indulge yourself, reach out to someone else, whatever you do to look after you. For me there have been times when it feels like you're coming out of a coma and every single nerve in your body is screaming. It's so hard, but it does pass with time.
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My hopes and dreams and longings are deeply shamed.
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No words an express my appreciation to your encouragement s. This is a lonely battle and if anyone is to ne'er stand it is only from others who have struggled with the festering wounds of being a child with N parents.
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As I dip my toe into Kabat-zinn's mindfulness I become increasingly aware of my harsh judgement. Only time and increased practice will tell.
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Seeing how envisioning any goal has generated tension and resistance in reaction to deep unconscious identification with "you don't deserve." Beginning to see that something can be both in awareness and still in unconsciousness especially if it is broad or generalized like "You don't deserve."
Mindfulness may allow me to stay with mindfulness becoming aware of how self judgment and hatred cripple me. Being aware and not resisting.
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Hi ((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))),
I was wondering something. A while back I wrote to someone here (Lupita!)
about what I'd learned years ago interviewing a mindfulness/spirituality researcher
about affirmations.
What he explained was that the subconscious is neutral, yet incredibly powerful.
It absorbs all the data/information/wording that comes at it, and knits it into us.
So...it's important to create/wear grooves of new thoughts about oneself that are
POSITIVELY expressed. Because if the wording we use in our thoughts is negative
or harsh (even if we said, for example, "I no longer want to be negative or harsh")
the subconscious , since it's nonrational, will take in: NO and NEGATIVE and HARSH.
So instead, to wear these new connections/thoughts into our beings, he said, we instead
need to create thought patters more like (just for example): I am GRATEFUL and ALIVE
and FULL of POSSIBILITY.
(Or whatever would be an effective "positive opposite" to a negative rumination.)
Do you think any of this would be helpful to you? I was just thinking about how
powerfully scalding the language you use to describe yourself/your pain is, and
wondering if flipping it would be useful. Or if the language, while it describes
the pain so perfectly...might possibly be subconsciously reinforcing or reproducing
it?
It's just a thought and may not be useful at all, in which case, please pitch it!
I am listening.
love to you,
Hops
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oh shoot, my internet explorer froze and then my text is gone. well I am tired. only thing I was going to say is that suppression appears to be a common thing around here, I was just writing about keeping things bottled up. makes me wonder if doing the suppression thing, isn't just an episodic thing we do but if it "feels like our norm" like I wonder if suppression just becomes our status quo if that makes any sense at all
any whos, I am going to sleep. good luck, the only one guarantee that I think I can safely say is somehow in exploring what is inside of us we do get some wisdom out of it maybe
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Absolutely. I am not at all a fan of denying pain, shoving it back in undigested, all that.
I guess it just depends on how long it goes and if it seems like a recycling loop.
I kind of live in fear of not moving forward because I have spent years stuck in places
that, looking back, I wish I'd known things (like the affirmation literally re-grooving brain
thing) that I didn't. Maybe it would have moved me through sooner than it did.
I have come to believe that literally, language leads life. I believe whatever I am
saying to myself inside my head over and over...becomes both liberating (if that's
what I'm pointing out to myself) or a trap (ditto). That's all I'm getting at.
I'm glad you said that, Boat. Makes me re-check where my thinking's coming from
and how much what I suggest to others is just projection of my own stuff. I really
have trouble getting that lesson to stick.
(And GS, if what I wrote was unhelpful I know you have the good sense to skate on
past...I'm cheering you always and will try to keep observations constructive!)
xo
Hops
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Using Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided meditations to be present to my life denying pain from rejection, condemnation and hatred. It is indescribably painful. Will it help? Will it set me free? How soon? How much do I need to do it daily? What does " free" mean for me?
I have no idea but I have to go forward. I t does not yet bring relief. It doesn't even really bring me hope and yet I am compelled to move forward.
What I hate most is being in a permanent feeling sense of original pain piled on top with a life long experience of more cycles of rejection, failure and rejection.
The need to avoid the unbearableness of the pain has lifelong sent me into shutdown avoidance which ironically created more situations of rejection and failure and so more crushing pain.
It is all so clear now. What isn't clear is the way through. But I see one stepping stone ahead and that is this wretched experience of mindful meditation which heightens the pain and seems to make it more real, more intense, more wretched and more unavoidable which only intensifies the longing to avoid.
No more. I have to face it. Heaven help me find the strength and courage.
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hops, you have a good point about language. It indeed has power.
I am so raw right now. As though each wound is band new. I can think of little past getting to and through these sessions, surviving and hoping for healing. But as the rawness heals I will return to that place of grateful ness and careful selection of words. Thanks for reminding me.
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Garbanzo, I hate that your original post was lost to the ether. But boy oh boy do I get your point. I hate it but I get it.
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I deserved failure and rejection, filth, failure and condemnation. He told me and I believed him.
I do not deserve success or beauty or acceptance and belonging. He implied it and I absorbed it unaware.
I know nothing else but I choose to no longer live that reality.
Receiving awareness of these states without judgment or fear of permanence is anethma, paradoxical, but possible and healing. Do I deserve healing? Will my unconscious receive healing and deserving of love and life?
Somehow. Yes.
Please let it be swift like a rushing wind.
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I deserved failure and rejection, filth, failure and condemnation. He told me and I believed him.
I do not deserve success or beauty or acceptance and belonging. He implied it and I absorbed it unaware.
I know nothing else but I choose to no longer live that reality.
Receiving awareness of these states without judgment or fear of permanence is anethma, paradoxical, but possible and healing. Do I deserve healing? Will my unconscious receive healing and deserving of love and life?
Somehow. Yes.
Please let it be swift like a rushing wind.
GS, I believe the very fact that we seek it means it will come. For me, this incredibly painful stuff was the healing, it just hurts so much that it doesn't feel like it at the time. But this is the bit where you're digging out the rotting flesh so that the wound can really heal and become clean and beautiful again. I'm so sorry that he couldn't see what an amazing, strong, deserving soul you are. I'm glad that you've seen that now xx
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Thank you a Two-a-penny. I am definitely dealing with rotted flesh, layers and layers of it. With the layers I understand more about myself and how I got where I am. Those are things I longed to understand better since my 20s. But I bemoan the fact that cutting through the rotting flesh doesn't bring relief. That's what I had hoped for and expected - a gradual release of pain.
I still hope and I will never give up but I am angry that relief is so hard to come by.
BTY, your post tells me how well you understand. Being understood is such sweet salve.
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Hops, I've been thinking about your post and I realized this. This is something that I have thinking about in various contexts for some time. As a mother and as a person who was not mothered, I have become conscious of the need of a child to be nurtured when something bad happens. A small child goes to a mom and cries about what has happened. Regardless of the moral of the offense the child needs to receive love in order to have the fortitude to stand on her own feet and learn to walk emotionally.
I tried to buck up my own child before he was ready and finally realized that he needed to be loved where he is rather than get him to get beyond the hurt and become spiritually mature. In watching him struggle I saw that I myself had needed to be loved rather than taught to be tough. Acknowledging the hurts, understanding the pain is loving and nurturing. When strong enough the child grows and heals and the arrows no longer hurt as much and ra more easily deflected.
I am definitely dealing with wounds from ages 2 through 5. I am looking forward to the days when these old wounds are no longer sources of searing pain and the positive thoughts and feelings come without manufacture and corrections are easy.
Naming something is part and parcel to having dominion over it. Calling something dark by a name of light is topsy turvy , creating chaos just as was my parents calling neglect and obligation, "love."
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Fair enough. I believe that, GS.
And thank you for it.
And you know, I believe it in my own life as well.
I write some very dark poetry at times, and the deeper my wording goes to reveal how deep some pain is...
often the better I feel about my poem.
Heist on my own petard, but really learned something.
Thank you.
love,
Hops
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I surely didn't mean to bash you or your post Hops. But I needed to work it all out for myself. When I read your post initially I clearly saw your point. But then the rest of the picture came to me.
Language is a wondrous thing. Specific words can point to a broad swath where each of us can see varying specifics unrelated to another's view and yet pointed to by the same language. And in that way there is both communication and complete failure to communicate. Something like the 5 blind people at different parts of the elephant.
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My never ending analysis drives even me crazy. But still I am driven to analyze and write. I post here to reach out, be understood, and connect but I also write here to work things out. This post is some of both though I am tired of analyzing. It has gotten me nowhere across the years.
All of my hope is on mindfulness. Of course that is antithetical to the whole process - coming to it with a purpose.
The psain and self hatred is so overwhelming, so debilitating, so paralyzing. I move into being mindful to connect in a way I have been unable to so far in this interminal life. I do not want to die as I have live - locked in a life of failure bound up in longing, vision and unrequited hope..
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Rejection - the most horrific wounding.
Just to return to the womb and emerge into a loving, encouraging world. I could flourish.
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Rejection is shaming. Healing elusive.
With rejection every failure is an opportunity to kick a dog while he is down. No one helps a down dog up.
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No one? NO ... that is part of the wounding.
There are legions who can mbrace you, GS, and offer strong arms to tug on.
We're a few but willing and there are more...
Most of all, it's the friend/s within whom you have been so stalwartly engaging
so much for such a long time now. I so hope you will not dismiss your mighty
and determined new inner self...don't let a wave of blues be confused with the
healing ocean you have discovered.
You HAVE found her and you HAVE spoken to her with kindness and determination
and compassion.
Don't let that new light-full you be hushed now!
love
Hops
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Thanks Hops. I know you are right on one level and yet on another, where my inner feelings seem to be in charge, it is the sense that overruns. I am wondering how to change tracks. There is a way. I just can't see the path yet.
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I hear you.
Reminds me of when my T said matter-of-factly--Oh, I see. You're letting your feelings be in charge.
HUH? Mercifully I knew he was not judging me for my emotions. Just pointing out that I expected them
to be all sweet and sorted out before I moved forward. He was telling me, indirectly...You could alternatively
allow/choose your rational mind to be in charge. (More often.)
I still fight that contest, every single day. Every now and then, I can simply take action, letting the feelings
about it have their busy turmoily drama and for that moment or hour, I decide that my feelings are weather.
They will blow but I am still going to do my next task. As I would if it were raining and I still had to go out.
Or something. Not a brilliant metaphor. It must have been his timing and my readiness because it was
one of those AHAs. No magic and it sure didn't wipe away the paralysis-analysis, but it did help. The
moments of motion come more often now.
Every small step is huge and wonderful, I mean. As are yours. Every single small step is huge and wonderful.
Don't you give up on our (((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
xxoo
Hops
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I hear you.
Reminds me of when my T said matter-of-factly--Oh, I see. You're letting your feelings be in charge.
HUH? Mercifully I knew he was not judging me for my emotions. Just pointing out that I expected them
to be all sweet and sorted out before I moved forward. He was telling me, indirectly...You could alternatively
allow/choose your rational mind to be in charge. (More often.)
I still fight that contest, every single day. Every now and then, I can simply take action, letting the feelings
about it have their busy turmoily drama and for that moment or hour, I decide that my feelings are weather.
They will blow but I am still going to do my next task. As I would if it were raining and I still had to go out.
Or something. Not a brilliant metaphor. It must have been his timing and my readiness because it was
one of those AHAs. No magic and it sure didn't wipe away the paralysis-analysis, but it did help. The
moments of motion come more often now.
Every small step is huge and wonderful, I mean. As are yours. Every single small step is huge and wonderful.
Don't you give up on our (((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
xxoo
Hops
Wow, thank you for this Hops, was catching up on GS' thread and saw that you had written this and how funny, I am just at this point myself and wondering if I should stop waiting to feel 'better' and just get on with it. So timely, how funny when that happens.
GS, sorry to jump in on that one, really resonated, it's amazing how much other people's struggles, as painful as they are for them, can help other people just by being there on the screen, if you see what I mean. I really understand what you mean about the strength of those feelings. For such a long time, for me, it was as if they'd realised I was noticing them for the first time ever and they were just going to keep screaming in case I forgot about them again. Huge rollercoasters in those early days, it does settle but I feel for you right now. Thank you for being brave enough to write about it all xx
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I love this dialogue. It is fruitful.
I have noticed that at different places in this journey I use the same words and language to reflect my experiences that are quite different. I am definitely further along but feeling worse. But I have just stumbled on something that helps me understand.
I
Stumbled on Jim Hopper's site. A mindfulness practitioner from Harvard Medical, he addresses the pain and how attention to it initially increases it. This helps me understand why I am both drawn to mindfulness as a healing tool and why I avoid it - the intensity worsens. But the way out is through. I have no where to go but through.
This is unquestionably the most difficult and painful journey of my life and I am angry that I must undertake it and that it is so painful. The decision is mine - avoid the pain or participate in the healing. There can only be one response.
What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't follow through?
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What if I'm not good enough?
We took that retired old Southern judge with his food-dribbled paunch and tobacco juice leaking down his chin and gross spider-veined nose from raging and his bumpy liver-spotted pate and we shoved him into his jalopy and escorted him all the way to the county line. He looked back at us with his lip wobbling: "But I am the JUDGE, surely you must still respect me!" and we just smiled. Patted our mules on their strong sweaty necks and turned back toward our homes. The sunlight looked different that afternoon, more golden. And the shade blessedly sweet. (We heard him ranting down the road, fainter and fainter. And though we now and then remember him, he's gray and faint and vaporous his voice is a tinny gasp. His day is done.)
What if I don't follow through?
You might not follow through perfectly. It might be two steps forward, one step back...day after day when all you are hearing is the judge screaming, "Back!"
Then one day, you wake up and realize you forgot to do the math. And everything changes.
love
Hops
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I have been in avoidance because the pain is too great. I chose to open myself up to step in. It is difficult and painful and triggers the cycle of avoidance which has been my destructive "coping" strategy since childhood.
During a meditation today, I saw myself facing a meditation instructor who had received anger and rejection that I projected onto him. He mirrored it back to me. Being present to this pain generates a wellspring of agitation and discomfort. If I stay with it, relax into it it bursts like a volcano or breaks like a fever and all the negative energy discharges. If I shift away from it it retreats back to the unconscious where it continues to fester and wreak destruction.
Even still it is difficult to stay present to it. All the more reason I must.
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I had a crack into insight today, not fully a breakthrough but a beginning. I have been practicing and learning about mindfulness through Jon Kabat-Zinn and Jim Hopper. Today while doing a 10 minute meditation focusing on breathing I saw how profoundly my father's condemnation and my mother's complicity in it shaped me to be self-condemning about all they criticized and all they were silent about. Over the years that self condemnation grew to encompass everything I do in life. Today I saw how that has led to this state I am in.
I'm not out of it. It's grip is not broken. But this is the first step in healing. And it is coming.
I was able to sit in this meditation, have my mind wander, not sit perfectly and for the first time in decades if iff and on trying various meditative forms, just smile at my imperfections. And in that moment the feelings associated with shame, rejection, failure, condemnation, etc. cracked - for an instant - and I saw a different reality.
Perhaps this is a bell which cannot be untuned. Time will tell. I have so much to do. I am ready for freedom.
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Since June, I have been flooded with memories in which I felt rejected from every period of my life. The memories have flooded me day and night, awake and asleep, relentlessly. They have hit me hard, knocking my feet out from underneath me. And they keep coming. I believe I have perhaps been processing them but it has been like cutting a forest one tree at a time.
I have no choice but to persevere a believe in an end, a triumph. I see no clearing but u am not yet tired.
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I have found temporary relief using various techniques time and time again only to find myself falling back into the mire as deeply or deeper. And yet I have never given up nor given up hope.
Should relief only be temporary I give thanks for the relief how ever long it lasts. Today I will not give into fear that it return but only give thanks that it is here.
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As I continue with the guided meditations with Jon Kabat-Zinn, the sting on the omnipresent shame/anxiety/paralysis begins to loosen. And I am becoming more aware of its power over me. This is very interesting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.
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Each time I focus on breathing the volume of the anxiety is turned down. More and more memories arise. Awareness of my self hatred and condensation increases and toxic mories arise. Throughout my life my subconscious self criticism has been repeatedly reaffirmed by failings, rejections and loss. As the volume of the anxiety turns down my clarity increases.
I suspect that in time I will feel free to venture forward without omnipresent fear of rejection and failure. For decades I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Now I know. And very slowly things are finally lifting. It has been a long journey.
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Remarkable break through during mindfulness exercise today..I saw in a new way how the rejection and constant criticism and the fear of the men prisoner me. In a moment I was standing outside of that prison but not far enough away for the fear to completely subside.
These past few months have shown me what had me trapped after years, decades of trying to understand. Now the understanding is so clear it is hard to remember not understanding. When I first saw the pain was not released or even lessened. That was terrifying. But bit by bit I am experiencing more insights and bits of freedom from the paralyzing pain. I see freedom coming. When the fear of the paralyzing pain is gone I will have freedom because the pain is currently bearable. But I still have a long way to go. Today I have the courage to get there.
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In time I expect that insight into the connect between the contrast and inevitable criticism from FOO which is internalized and now omnipresent in my being, will begin to unravel the connection and separate what belonged to them from what is mine.
Still the pain during even the briefest mindfulness exercises is extreme. But the unraveling is becoming expected and this expectation may replace the expectation of condemnation which is the binding fetters. I see that on the horizon.
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I am becoming aware that throughout my life I have survived by repressing the pain. As I use mindfulness exercises I become increasingly aware of the pain that has been repressed. Initially that awareness intensifies the pain and is unbearable. In time, maybe seconds maybe weeks, the awareness takes the sting away. Bug still the fear or anticipation causes me to tense up and automatically repress again.
I now know that the anticipation is what has bound me. To learn that the intensity of the pain can be diminished will allow me the experience activities that heretofore have caused me unbearable pain and use mindfulness to bear it.
Writing this brings it out into my consciousness. Keeping this in the forefront gives me bits of courage to keep pushing forward.
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BRAVO, GS!
It's wonderful to hear that what was darker and had risen is ebbing and now is oxygen, and forward flow again.
I'm so glad to read of your insights.
love
Hops
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I had the most extraordinary dream last night. I was lengthy with many scenes and it was filled with exceptional creativity.
In an early scene a young mother was being sentenced for a crime. She had been so stymied by the original accusation that she had been unable to defend herself. After being found guilty a friend of hers took a hidden camera and took her friend to the crime scene, a repair garage, where she interviewed the defendant and others. Through this process the true story ce spilling out and the defendant was cleared.
There were some clever turns to the filming but I cannot remember them.
In another segment, I befriended a young, artistic, single mother whom I expected was struggling. I went into her studio home which was full of patrons. She had a bowl full of odd fleshy fruit looking items which she was meeting out judiciously. They were seeds of ordinary plants but she had discovered a process by which the seeds would grow more quickly and abundantly.
As I stepped into her studio I saw a stately mannequin draped on a beautiful garment. As I watched, the fabric folded around from the back revealing an entirely different look and again. She had designed an exquisite dress that morphed into three beautiful gowns. A friend confided that Hoda Koptke had purchased the original.
There were more scenes that are fading now. But it was a time of indulgence in brilliance and inclusion a beginning of belonging. Far from my usual dreams of humiliation and rejection.
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I have long been aware that my entire life I have been motivated by avoiding negative reaction. Inevitably that motivation has bogged me down further and further and further.
Today I discovered a book The Mindful Approach to Depression. In the book the authors refer to a scientific study which demonstrated that aversion motivation is destructive. The way out of course is through mindfulness. Ironically mindful exercises done to bring about a result miss the mark.
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Being aware of these long repressed feelings and the feeling I have avoided intensifies them. The practioners of mindfulness write that daily practise brings relief. I am trusting the process. There is an 8 week online course. I plan to enroll.
It seems oddly scary.
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Layers and layers and layers of self hatred and shame from rejection and condemnation. Is there a bottom to it all.
Each day I learn so much from my exploration into mindfulness. The insula is a part of the brain not understood until 2007. Now it is known that the insula plays a role in the resiliency of the being in dealing with emotional pain. The insula withers with age but both the resiliency and the size can be restored through mindfulness.
This information about the role of the insula explains well my own experience. The damage was done early in and my resiliency has decreased across time and it seemed to be extinguished.
Holding these physical sensations of shame in awareness without judgement is empowering. Across my life I have repressed them and fled them the sw ya dog runs from fleas. To hold them in awareness without judgment is agonizing. The pain crescendos and memories of shaming moments flood in, further intensifying the shame. Holding it, gently, more and again and then it breaks like a fever and there is rest until the tension of shame slowly mounts again and the process starts up again.
The relief when the tension breaks is filled with comfort and hope. But the relentlessness of the nudge of yet another shaming memory is filled with despair. How does the cycle end? I keep at it.
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In this page (http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-emotional-pain-body-part-2-wcz/) a psychologist us writing about Ekhart a Tolle's concept pain body and way to diminish it. All of the ways and forms of awareness.
The further encourages me to continue on with mindfulness.
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The article on the painbody indicates that others have gone through layer after layer after layer. That makes sense to me. I am particular connected to my painbody. It took hold of me by my neck. It will take more to let it go. But that is not discouraging. I am willing to keep at it. It is only discouraging when a technique seems to have no effect. That triggers the fear and hopelessness. I can work hard at developing awareness. Daily I see bits and pieces of results. They don't appear to accumulate but provide relief here and there. Ultimately I am looking for an accumulative effect that will leave me free to live a full life.
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thanks for the link
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You are so welcome Garbanzo.
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In the bodyscape meditation Jon Kabat-Zinn invites us to dip a toe into the sensation of pain. Memories of being excluded cascade through my mind and in my belly I feel the nausea and hurt. Zinn invites us to stay with the awareness. The pain comes and goes in pulses and waves as the memories flash by. I think of "desensitization" and EMDR then I'm in college not invited and just out being insulted by a friend who rejected me. The pain swells, as real and crippling in this moment as it was in the original.
So this is how pain is processed. Suddenly transported to memories or tightening my belly and clenching fists to repress the hurt and move on. Again the pain is overwhelming and I am mentally walking in circles to escape from the present and the past. I want out of the meditation and sm reminded to tune in, to become aware of this present pain. And I'm back into the process of awareness and agony and rejection and dispair and then a bubble of relief. Is there an end to it?
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As I listen to mindfulness tapes on YouTube, I am inundated with pain, waves and waves on pain, for hours. Then there is a pause and I can imagine life without the omnipotent triggers that have effectively paralyzed me completely these past 5 months and partially my entire life. In these omens of relief there is hope and I am reminded that this practice is healing, increasing the insula and gaining resilience.
For years I told my therapist that I was without the emotional cartilage so that small stings knocked me over. And now, this week I have learned about the part of my brain that isy cartilage and about a practice which restores it - without surgery.
Along the way however, the medicine is quite bitter but worth it. This time the prognosis is good. Before it was hope against hope with only hope to lean on and no record of hope ever coming through. That is powerlessness.
It tooke decades to connect with, understand and accept that's father had sabotaged me in any ways throughout my life, that he truly, not only did not wish well for me or sorry in my struggles or even care but that he gloated in my failings and at times actually undermined me. That is a pain that is indescribable. He also trained my brothers to do the same. It is indescribable. But it helps me understand why I struggle and suffer so now.
I have repressed south for so long. Not the least of which was the fear of the triggers. That fear (aside from the triggers themselves) has had a powerful paralyzingly effect. Last night when I had a nice period of freedom got triggers I thought, "I'll try to clean a bit. " and I felt myself slammed back down into the abyss and my knees grow weak and my stomach almost wretch. I couldn't move and in that instant I saw the power of the fear, the anticipation of the triggers which is wholly separate from the triggers themselves.
As painful as these meditation sessions are, they are also lifegiving - even though I would still prefer to dabble in avoidance, distraction activities.
Though interestingly the distraction activities I have been using are less and less appealing, leaving me only the meditations to do. I look forward to the time when I am drawn to the media ration like sustenance rather than having to overcome an aversion to do them.
Why would I have an aversion? It is the "not good enough," " don't deserve" message woven into my fabric overtly (and in ways not yet clear, probably also covertly) by my father. If something is good for my I have an aversion to it, I feel kicked in the stomach when faced with doing something for myself. There is so much work to do on this. I wonder if this will emerge after plumbing the seemingly endless depths of rejection.
So helpful to be able to share these horrific feelings. I am feeling such sorrow and sadness AND rejection that my mother never cared to hear about my pain and struggles. It is all beginning to surface and pour out. Finally I have a way to process it and it is pouring out. It could not before. It was too much. I need to get to the other side but I must be patient and diligent. This will be the first time that it will pay off. Can I do it? Yes. Believe. Do not fear. Do not give up. But I am thrown back into memory of my father giving a litany of why I will fail. It is like when Dr. Phil says the best predictor of the future is past behavior. That is such a graceless philosophy that locks people into hopelessness. My father looked for signs of future failure and pointed them out and rubbed my nose in it relentlessly. He never missed an opportunity to remind me of past failings big and small and encouraged my brothers to tease me relentlessly about trying and failing. And when I complained he lashed out at me saying that I needed to learn to handle the teasing, that had I succeeded there wouldn't be any teasing.
All of this is pouring out of my memories, resurrecting the pain and the shame which I came to identify with, unable to function in a way that was not shaming, always longing for help, feeling utterly incompetent and in need of assistance from someone more capable. This stuff is agony. I have been waiting for a savior all of my life. This is part of the learned helplessness.
As these memories and this understandind emerge with healing and freedom be far behind?
No longer will I replace the old tapes with"positive" new ones. The years I tried that not only kept me stuck but set me back - way back. Now I am learning to be mindful of the old tapes and the crippling pain associated with them but I am learning that with awareness rather than repression or distraction, I can work around the corners of the pain and become functional in spite of it.
There is some freedom in giving up on the hope (and fear of failure) of beating the pain and the triggers. Freedom in finding a practice that allows me to coexist and function in spite of. It feels so good just to have that thought and to express it. I touch it And feel it to test it out. It doesn't tie my stomach in knots. I can hardly imagine life without those knots which have been come with every thought of the future or every thought of obligation or chore or every thought of going out in society and participating, showing up. All of that has given me a stomach ache for as long as I can remember.
But as I write about being functional coexisting with the emotional pain of humiliation and shame I feel ok, no gut wrenching hopelessness or shame check. Please have some duration.
Fear, shame, stomach knots are beginning to trigger awareness. I will check in to see if this progresses.
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About a week ago I had a dream. In the dream I was sitting for one of the guided meditations. Jon Kabat-Zinn was beside me guiding me the way he did his patients in a 1993 Bill Moyers dpecial Healing and the Mind. In my dream I felt peace and a connection and a kind of love emminating from Kabat-Zinn. In a flash my fathers image appeared in the right corner and I knew that I had never experienced such kindness, caring, love, concern, connection or attention from my father. He was incapable, suffering and fully broken. He had no love to give but his lack of care or concern for his only daughter in inhuman. And I moved into a place of desperation as a result - desperate for his love, for his guidance, his teaching, his support. But he had none to give though he put up a facade of perfect competence and righteousness. And even I believed in that facade. He being perfect meant that I was a gaping failure and he never missed an opportunity to reinforce that image. I went out into life, desperate to find a roll model, a mentor an experience that would reflect back a better image but I only saw what he had reflected back to me.
This process may allow me to see something different.
Just writing about this image of failure would have triggered me in the past but not today. It feels very odd. When I don't get triggered I have wondered if I am repressing but I think this May be healing. Time will tell. I am ever hopeful.
Maybe I can add in the EMDR which helped at times but then brought up too much intensity too bear. The intensity has been too great for too long. Could I be finding relief? It has all been turning back in on itself. Could mindlessness pave a path out?
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Every obligation has been shamed, shame coated, shame inducing, shame provoking. And with fallout from my mothers estate which I cannot yet write about the shame has finally ground me to a halt. To think that I am beginning to be present to this shame without repressing it is unthinkable.
The more I do this practice the more able I am to speak to the shame, to be present to it and to no longer repress it. All of my energy has been directed at repressing it for all of these years. I am painfully aware of the resentment and fear and anger and expectation of being excluded and expectation of failure came out of the repression. If I am present to my shame and no longer repressing it will it have the same power over me? Will I be bound by it still? Incapacitated? Paralyzed?
I don't know. I hope not. And I have just enough of a glimpse of how that might be for this hope to stand on something real. But still I don't yet know. For the first time I I cannot say when I so not have the need to go hide. I don't have the longing to find a dark closet to close myself in. The self hatred hasn't gone away but it is somewhat faded.
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Oh what a heavy responsibility your belittling father bears, GS.
http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/11/dads_and_daughters_dads_write.html (http://www.oregonlive.com/living/index.ssf/2013/11/dads_and_daughters_dads_write.html)
And what an unfair double blow that you didn't have the kind of mother who could compensate.
That said, it is all the more powerful that you are, in addition to the ocean of shame, determinedly
building your own way to float. I feel when I read you that there is continuing strength being expressed.
More and more and consistently.
I have NO doubt that what you are doing, your steady commitment to it, is going to yield peace.
Next comes even happiness. I admire your determination and persistence greatly.
And you don't have to empty the ocean. The smallest boat, once you learn to navigate, can sail
over any depth.
love
Hops
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This whole mass seems to be cracking. Tiny rays of light are slightly penetrating. Can this dynamic reverse? Is it unidirectional? Will is continue at a rate proportional to the work I put in?
This afternoon the triggers that have been there as long as I can remember are receding. It is very weird. I am moving gingerly, uncertain. Will Lucy pull the ball away from me once I buy in?
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Hops. Thank you so much for your caring post. It means so much.
I find my posts repetitive and boring even to myself and yet it is so profoundly helpful to me to write this stuff down, the get it out. The irony is that the stuff I am struggling with is so boring and yet I need to get it out but putting it out there seems to me to also be alienating. That is precisely why I am thankful for this place, because even if my posts are relentless and might cause eyerling there is still an acceptance here. And that is very significant.
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For years I've had an omnipresent feeling of anxiety and doom a sense that reading the right article, having the right conversation, connecting the right way then it would all be good. That sense still pervades but now I am aware that this is a coping mechanism that is passively destructive. And finally I have an alternative action to take. Oddly, I am still drawn more easily to the destructive path and have an aversion to the healing one.
I'm looking forward to a shift which is imminent.
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Getting in touch with the profound shame which has been at work throughout my life. Memories flooding back. So much pain and resentment that I had forgotten. It brings such sorrow and grief to me today. The burden would be too great if I did not trust this process. But I do. I have no vision for the future yet but that will come.
Today is rainy, cold and glum. Not helping at all.
I am almost to the place of welcoming these feelings of shame, sorrow and anxiety as being present to them, attending to these feelings, how they are in the body is healing. I am surmounting a hurdle and nearing the apex after which facing the hurdles will be much easier. Paying attention to, "attending" is healing in and of itself. I can do this.
I have an errand to run. I have not been able to get it done. I am going to try an experiment and see what happens in what time period as I attend to this errand and the feelings generated by it. I have great resistance as I write but I can do this. Each session heals the insula. Each sessions helps.
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I am going to use this exercise to create change in my life. Beginning today, I am going to have a very short list of chores and put my full attention on each one until accomplished.
Chores has been the center piece of my shame, fear, anxiety and guilt all leading to shut down. Can I dig myself out? Start with 1, then 3 and five on up to 10. Attending to one at a time. It will release all the boogeyman men plaguing me for so long. All of my shortcomings will surface. I no longer desire or need to keep them at bay, to repress them where they wreak havoc and death.
I celebrate finally understanding what has been at the root of such dysfunction. But understanding is not enough. Overcoming is the only desirable outcome.
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Okay, sounds good. What chores are you going to do?
For myself I have to get dental x-rays and find a new dentist again.
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Becoming more and more aware of how the "paralysis " sets in, how the body holds it and how the feeling binds me, shuts me down. It is a subtle feeling that calls me to suppress it and find distraction. I would rather do anything than tune in to it. But now I know what is needed - and yet - it is still indescribably difficult.
Almost as if tuning in is walking into the humiliation. Well I guess it is. But then without tuning in I cannot get to the other side and it is the other side where the acceptance lies - self acceptance.
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Oh my Garbanzo. I can understand why that is hard to do. But I know you will be glad when it is done.
The most important one is getting my dishes washed and put away. Really basic stuff.
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This is bad for the environment but sometimes I just go to a dollar store and buy packages of disposable plates (I don't use them all the time)... but it can be a break.
Dishes are perpetually created
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Honestly Garbanzo. I think that is brilliant, at least until I get back to normal. It's funny you suggest it. I thought about it a month or so ago and then forgot to follow through. I'm going yo do it to at least lighten the
Load for a little while. Then I can gave some on Gand to use if I start to get behind again. Once I get behind the task is so big that I feel defeated before I start.
Thanks.
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Seeing bits of progress with mindfulness practise.. As I progress I become increasingly aware of how powerful a grip my never ceasing self condemnation has been. It has put me in a state of perpetual condemnation, shame, and anxiety. Now I am getting moments whe it all beaks and that when I see how it has been in complete controll.
So much shame.
That is the crux.
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This helps me understand why I've looked for constant distraction.
Expectation - obligation generate shame. That comes with every chore in life.
Now I begin the reversal.
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As I become more aware, more present, I am able to see that I am beginning to be able to choose to not react in shame. It is like a muscle which I have become aware of. It must be developed. But at least I now am in touch with it.
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Finally able to sit for 10 minute segments without being overwhelmed by shame and anxiety with the feeling of needing to run. Now I am looking forward to being able to face chores with the same presence. Able to work in spite of feelings of needing to runaway, able to work through the pain.
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I live in a state of perpetual fear of failure, being cheated, and rejection.. My constant fear both cripples me and insures that I will bring on those things I fear.
My nascentractice of mindfulness allows me to begin to be present to theses constant fears. In doing so they have incrementally less controll over me. Initially the thing I focus my attention on, become aware of, gets excruciatingly more intense. It is utterly counter intuitive that holding my focus will decrease that pain rather than increase it. It feels increased. The expectation of that increase adds yet another layer of pain and feet. The brain processes expectation as the real thing.
So many layers.
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As I attend to the anticipatory dread my anxiety kicks into high gear. I want to flee from it. But really, rarely a moment in the day do I not have a sense of needing to retreat. Becoming aware of this increases the pain of it. How odd that this should. Bring healing.
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It is odd but I think it's not counterintuitive anyway.
It reminds me of what it's like to heal from a physical wound, or surgery.
Such acute pain when an infected wound is opened and cleaned, brutally so.
And great soreness and pain during the rehabilitation.
And then, as new muscle forms, tiny new fibers find each other and knit,
nerves calm and learn their living pulse, skin even if forever scarred seals
strong and whole again.
And the breeze blows over you, and scents come, and you turn to the
water, and notice as you clean a plate, how beautiful it is that the
water flows over your hands while you work. And it feels simple.
love
Hops
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Shucks you two are so poetic!
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My vision and understanding increase almost day by day. And with it grows my tolerance if pain. It feels so slow but looking back the weeks of steady healing are significant against the decades of progressive illness.
Bit by bit, my awareness increases and I am able to apply the calm of the moment against the agony of anticipated failure or expected criticism. The balm if the present is beginning to seep in.
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I feel these fears in specific places in my body. Today i am really struggling to do the meditations the sense of irritation is especially high. I am trying to face it by imagining myself receiving the compassion I needed at th
E time. But it is still difficult to let go and allow myself to go back into that time and feel the original pain of rejection. I see how I got myself into some difficult times and places because of the need and longing to belong. I would accept "belonging" from people who I didn't really want to belong with and it was very confusing and uncomfortable. It is such a strange experience to go back and feel this..very unpleasant. More so for re experiencing the very painful longing I had at that time, the longing to belong which was completely unconscious because I thought that I did. Such a source of neurosis.
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I love this, and it is going to help me.
I am able to apply the calm of the moment
Thank you, ((((GS))))
love
Hops
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Lol -Garbanzo. Hops is poetic but I seem to drone on.
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We need a "like" or "thumbs up."
I would like to "like" your post Hops.
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"I like it" is good enough for me! (Meaning you...)
Wishing you water flowing over your hands, a plate
at a time, and ... it being simple.
(And thanks, GS, for calling it poetic. Poetry is all I did
for some years.)
xo
Hops
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Anxiety is a very complex set of disorders. Even for me, who has suffered long, the varieties can be difficult to identify.
Oh I know anxiety when my pulse is elevated and breathing is shallow and fast and my foot won't stop tapping and I want to run out of my skin. But it is so difficult at times for me to recognize that the parallysis that effects only certain(ever increasing) acts is also anxiety.
Yesterday I read a beautiful piece about anxiety and mindfulness that shone a light on this issue.
I am both compelled to write the same things over and over and utterly bored by it. Casting all my lots on mindfulness saving me.
Anxiety is horrifically contagious. First attaching to one trigger but easily moving to more and more. Will it recede in similar manner?
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-it-be-using-mindfulness-to-overcome-anxiety-depression/
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Sitting frozen for months now I have learned quite a bit. No doubt that moving out of the fetal position could be beneficial - in more ways than one. But over this time I have been flooded by and overcome by the years of rejection and loss and pain. But I have also processed much of I as well and I have come to see my role in much of it too, especially how
My resentment pushed people away, left my caustic and self
Righteous which further Alienated me causing more pain, spiraling deeper and deeper. It is all so clear now, so painfully clear.
This process and these insights have rendered me a person whom I like wih the exception of not being able to follow through on basic daily functions much less other necessary activities. But I do see how his process of mindfulness will allow me to be present to this excuciating pain and in time I will be able to
Function inspite of it.
I hope to begin to shut down rather than give into diversions so that I can move forward. I have taken refuge in intellectual diversions and mind numbing ones as well. But I both long to let them go and to be enveloped
By them. Letting go is vital if I am to live. Can I choose life?
What will that choice be like? Over
And
Over and over each hour of each day.
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I have made progress. At times it is very difficult to discern but I am able to sit passively without thoughts triggering an anxiety attack. That's a big plus. Now it is time to face anxiety us a different way. I have made progress dealing with passive anxiety, anxiety that strikes without me doing anything. Now I must push things and face anxiety/repressed shame when I take action -any action - cleaning, dressing, preparing food, leaving the house, anything. This will be more difficult. Just the thoufght of the action invokes anxiety.
This bail be hard but I know what is going on, I know what the resistance is. And I know how to use the mindfulness exercises. But as I look back I see how I began using the passive avoidance at an early age and it was a critical safety device. But it has spread from a protective tool needed rarely to a destructive habit controlling my life.
First step is keeping it foremost in my consciousness. We will see what hones from there.
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That sounds tremendously insightful, GS.
Fwiw, I'd like to share that I had truly awful, disabling anxiety for decades, including panic attacks at the slightest thought (or even in stillness) -- so scary I went to the E.R. multiple times convinced I would die--and now I truly don't. Haven't had a panic attack in decades.
So if you're asking is it truly possible it will not always be this way....yes yes yes.
love
Hops
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So I finally realized that my thyroid is way out of whack. Sadly this exacerbates the worst of my struggles with inertia. Last night the fatigue I experienced was so greT that I couldn't bring myself to get up and take medicine. I made an appointment today. Of course exercise will help but I have to get a bit stronger to tackle that. And the cold weather works against it as well.
So glad to figure this out.
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There is a kind of pain that destroys and a kind of pain that gives life. I am not able to describe the difference. I'm not sure I always know the difference, especially when it is my own pain, much like the warrior athlete who sometimes grows from his/her pain and is sometimes destroyed because he/she did not listen. But today I am experiencing pain that brings growth, brings life worth living.
My new book club started by a relatively new friend (whom I'm growing to love) is reading Brene Brown's Daring Greatly. I was not pleased to be reading a self help book. I am drawn to book clubs to read literature. My reading choices lean toward non-fiction. I don't know how to pick fiction or whether to finish it when I don't like the beginning. Plus I am very short on belonging and long in longing for it.
So I stepped into reading Daring Greatly with a chip on my shoulder and resentment in my craw. In the first 20 pages I am scrawling marginalia articulating how she is missing the mark with real human struggle. When she uses an example of resisting vulnerability as her "panic" about being asked to bring her TED talk from her hometown stage to the bigger than life TED stage my pencil went into over-drive. HER vulnerability is about SUCCESS. What a crock! REAL vulnerability is acting when actions lead to SHAME!
But I had not read far enough. Brown does understand shame. Though I handily doubt she has experienced anything like the torment of shame heaped out by N or NPD parents but she does know shame none the less. And she writes about it in a stunning way.
I have only arrived at page 70 and I am already armed with weaponry to vanquish my powerful demons who no longer reside outside of me but only within. There were so many who were external and many are the lawyers and my brothers who made my life a living hell these past few years. They were real and their effects were indescribably destructive to me. But the real damage took place when I internalized them. I had been so weakened by a life of denigration early on that I took the things that happened to me and against me as proof of my undeserving. Even a stronger person would have been hit hard by what I experienced but it lay me low and I allowed it to reflect on my already devastated self. But bit by bit I keep receiving the tools I need to heal and become a functioning member of society, less broken more able to be open to success and failure.
Brown writes about disengagement as the greatest betrayal. "Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears--the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unloveable." And in that one sentence she explains the source of my fathomless pain from my mother. With this one sentence I know why my mother invoke such rage within my being and yet I could not extricate myself from her. And disengagement is a silent, secret force that destroys in plain sight invisible to others around. Not even my mother's good friends saw her disengagement. Only one person ever let on to me that she saw it. I will ever be thankful.
My mother's disengagement is the source of my greatest pain, my greatest shame. And now that I have this word I finally know why what she did was so much more destructive to me than my father's wretched, soul stealing narcissism.
My parents destroyed my being in front of friends and family and my response to it was all anyone noticed. I was the problem and my shame was self destructive and corrosive and it fuel my resentment and anger which eventually left me outside the world looking in feeling broken, rejected and full of self-pity., unable to see any way forward.
I grasped at straws, coming up with ideas and concepts of projects I could latch onto. But each one was sabotaged by my very own self-recrimination and internalized condemning voices of people who should have loved and encouraged me. And that is the vicious cycle that I have been stuck in for decades.
This past year I have seen earth shaking changes take root for me but ultimately the most critical hurdle, the "paralysis" not only was untouched but it seemed to increase, grow exponentially. I attacked it from every angle I could see but the more I hacked away at it the larger it loomed. Day by day, week by week my mindfulness practice caught shards of light bringing hope. This book brings some more rays.
Bit by bit I continue to find healing and against all odds and all reason and all evidence I gain hope, not finger crossed, "Please, please, please" hope but hope build on a solid foundation. And writing about it here helps me recognize how real it is becoming.
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I gain hope, not finger crossed, "Please, please, please" hope but hope build on a solid foundation. (http://I gain hope, not finger crossed, "Please, please, please" hope but hope build on a solid foundation.)
How real this sounds! A joy to read it.
Kudos, GS, your growth IS REAL.
xo
Hops
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I think about what needs to be done. I feel the tension grip my trapezoid and neck. I see my fathers menacing g grimace and sense my brothers' disdain looming behind him. It is unbearable. Then I see myself vowed and shut down. As I do, Jon's voice sidles up next to me and gently speaks into my ear," stay present to the pain. Don't run from it. Your job today is to stay present to it, not overcome it, not 'win.'"
I Can do that. Keeping my focus on being present shuts down that anxiety machine that grinds it out as I fear not being good enough. I know Jon is right. I. An be present to that pain. I have been able to do that from Day One.
I don't know how it works but I know that it does. So I know as I stay present to this pain today that tomorrow I will be present to the pain as I step out into action. How many suns will set before tomorrow comes? More than one but fewer than 30. That's my bet. I'm on my way.
Belonging. Last night I could not sleep and I found myself lost in a tangle of memories and sorrow poising from me. Belongins I once thought had been mine and those that never were brought me such sorrow. I cried tears that have been locked away for years. But when sleep finally came. I was able to see a different belonging for my future. Today I am staying present to this old pain because tomorrow will bring freedom.
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Daily I go through at least one of Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided meditations. I see progress through the insights that I gain. I feel no change in the amount of anxiety that so long ago shut me down.
Even now I have errands that. Must run and I'm frozen. BUT I do see that each insight is progress. I skim the residual scum from the pond allowing more to surface and be processed. Each bit of scum is a variant of "unworthiness". It all has the same source and accumulated over my entire life.
Reading Daring Greatly (dragging and kicking) in the midst if this process is like dying a light on the problem and giving me hope at the same time. I know I can do this. I understand more clearly every single day how I got here. I see for the first time that it was not my fault nor because of inherent weakness or flaws (though I was trained to believe it was so). I also see a way out and long for it, though it is flower than I would like.
I am learning to parole myself from the prison of unworthiness. Even if the doors of prison swung open all at once I would not know how to live freely. I am learning and as I do the payroll process brings me closer and closer to freedom.
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I awoke in deep dispair today following a nightmare about being cheated and belittled and overpowered by my oldest brother and his wife. In the dream I arrived at my grandparents home with a fairly formidable female priest. My brother and sister-in-law had taken over the house, remodeled and refurnished it and turned it into a dining club is a residential neighborhood. None of which they had the right to do but which my sister in law had used her legal connections to work to her benefit.
As I saw what they had done I became unhinged and began ranting and raving, screaming, completely undone. I was powerless and out of control. The priest who had been a likely ally took the easy road. Put of by my behavior, She remained silent, perhaps switching allegiance.
The scenario of the dream mirrored many experiences in my life, MANY, in which I was duped, left out, or disempowered in some way and in my brokenness I reacted in a way that made things much worse for my - rendering my utterly powerless.
So when I awoke I was immediately in that horrific place where the dream ended. A place I lived because of the way I was treated life long. It lurks beneath the surface today but it came up to be processed. And the processing began immediately. Before I even got out of bed I turned on one of the meditations. In time I was able to renter the dream, not as myself, but as a person of authority and power and repossess the images.
This image is such a part of the underbelly of my life, the part that I am finally facing and healing. I needed the tools and understanding to do so. No doubt there is much work to be done with these images and I am ready.
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I am looking forward to the day when I am no longer hiding from this pain, numbing myself with distractions but able to take it head on. I believe the days are numbered and I am thankful. I am ready.
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I have unintentionally lived in this persona of the cowering child. I think I can use this same process I used with this dream to shift persona. This helps me understand why windows of functioning inevitably relapsed to the functioning of the cowering persona. The work with mindfulness can certainly help with this.
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As I am driving to meet another family at the museum I catch myself feeling the tension pinch my shoulder. I scan my being for what I'm doing wrong. I recognize that pinch as the physical reaction to my fathers criticism. This is the norm for me. But bit by bit I am learning how to transition out of fear/victim/avoidance into a persona of confidence/knowing/worth.
I have lived a life of fearing and feeling unworthy and being angry about it. But I needed to know how to get out of this place. Bit by bit the way is being revealed. Even in times of paralysis I am beginning to be able to sit wih it knowing that it neither defines me nor is a permanent state for me.
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Another nightmare. Too complex to write about but in the midst of it I heard Jon's voice say "four." And in an instance I knew that the nightmare existed vecause of judgement. Four is a number - not good, not bad, a number. When people around me shovel out judgement I can choose to accept it or not. My entire life I have accepted all judgement dished out. But this dream tells me there is another way. And with practice I can do this.
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That is cool! What a wonderful awareness your subconscious offered to you.
I love the way it delivered it (not the fear in the dream, but the message).
And there is so much to celebrate in the emotional intelligence of your noticing it, hearing it, getting it.
Bravo!
Hops
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Thanks Hops. I appreciate your comment.
I am definitely healing at long last but it is as slow as watching paint peel.daily I find myself processing enormous pains and losses throughout my life, presenting themselves in memories bubbling up one after the other like through the thick ooze of syrup or honey. I see things I did or reactions I had that lead to so much of the rejection I experienced. I wish that I could both change it in the past and have understood it at the time. Going forward I simply have to believe that there will be something worth sharing in life going forward.
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Last night I walked into the grocery store reluctantly. I asked myself what was it? I hated the way I looked, I felt shame. What about? I scanned my being for answers - and they came pouring out, all this stuff long repressed, residing just in the subconscious. Each aisle I walked more and more poured out and I remembered words from the meditation - without judgement - and saw immediately that I have walked through life under a boulder of judgement, initially from others which became internalized. I looked at other shoppers and felt their judgement - they weren't even looking at me. I said the phrase, "they aren't judging me, I am." But I had to work with that because they might be judging me but the point is that if I don't take on their judgement then it will not cause me pain.
I came across yet another meme stating that meditation can change brains within 8 weeks. Persevering. Clearly I am seeing more and more about myself.
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When you notice your attention has waned or has wandered off the breath entirely, noting where your mind has gone and what it is preoccupied with, once you have come to notice it and then gently and without condemning yourself for it and without either clinging to the content of your thoughts or feelings or rejecting and suppressing it. Just letting go and bringing your attention back to the breath and doing this over and over again, each time the mind loses its focus momentarily and moves away from the breath.
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Kabat-Zinn notes that focus on the breath keeps us out of our thoughts which keep us out of the present. My being is omnipresent lay bound by judgement. This practice is systematically loosening the bind. Now I understand why I hav yet to see the physical results of it all.
There is more, much more work to do. The physical/emotional pain of this exercise has not decreased overall but it us gone from the first layer and the second and on. It is now the same intensity on the layer I am working.
I may be able to let go of the fear I have about the pain, believing I can bear the intensity and simply name it. "Oh, you are my self-judgement. You are real but you are false and you no longer have total power over me." I understand now, in a powerful way, why my life had been one of avoidance. The pain was too great and I knew no other way to deal.
My self-condemnation, learned in my earliest years of life, has been filled with self loathing. "If I hate myself then there can be nothing of value to the world." No wonder I have been paralyzed.
Perhaps the singular facet that has allowed me to get into Kabat-Zinn's mindfulness is that it is so fully without judgement even to the posture with which we sit. Other meditations had such strictures that this judgement bound bring could nit measure up and so the shame as ratcheted up, impeding my ability to focus.
I still have a long way to go as this brief introductory meditation causes great pain but I no longer fear it but long for the noticeable relief it is bringing and along with the relief, the hope for a new life.
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I experienced a significant trigger today. I used the meditation to help me through it . It prevented me from escalating and shutting down. I still went into panic but it didn't escalate. I could step down from panic for seconds at a time but not for long. Still an improvement but even better thus experience helps me confirm what has been happening throughout my life AND that I am on the right track toward relief. This is good news.
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After hours of sitting on the edge, I finally got myself to do some chores. All of the old messages and shame poured down. I returned to my breath and meditation over and over. I watched the whole process operate around me and I saw how the shame is so much greater when I finish than when I start and greater still than when I am paralyzed.
Each time I make progress I want to claim my freedom but I have to wait and persevere be thankful for the hour I worked and look for opportunities to add on to it.
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When in recent months when I became aware of how much resentment had poisoned my life I was thinking it was in the past but daily I am becoming more aware of how it is still present. Allowing it to bubble up and become exposed is painful. Using Kabat-Zinn's meditations help relieve the tension and anxiety and fear.
This resentment is attached to everything the same way that anxiety has been. But worst of all it is attached to a brick which keeps me down. Resentment is attached to others success and huge success gone bust, all of which closes the door on my vision for my own success. This latter part is the most important reason for letting this stuff emerge and be exposed and healed.
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Doing these meditations provokes anxiety and so the practice puts me into something of the same cycle as anticipating doing chores. The remarkable insight is that I am able to do the meditations, though only briefly, and so the next step is to do chores, how ever briefly.
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Today's meditation and writings revealed that anticipatory anxiety is the most crippling. This knowledge may help turn the key, remembering that the action is not as crippling as the anticipation.
The anticipatory anxiety is a mirror of the double bind I was raised in. Awareness may be my passage to freedom. Why do I fear it do????
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I saw how the shame is so much greater when I finish than when I start and greater still than when I am paralyzed.
I kept coming back to this, GS, because I have been through a lot of similar paralysis about getting into motion regarding chores, organization, etc. It's very interesting what you tuned into.
I think sometimes I feel a boost of shame when finishing a task because the message I hear in my head is, You are a fool because look, that really was NOT THAT HARD. So if you were able to just do it this time, what the hell is wrong with you that you don't do this REGULARLY?
And then I get busy imagining how much more successful my life would be (or would have been) if I had managed myself, and managed these chores, with steadiness and regularity. I think the post-chore shame is about having a vision of opportunities lost flood in. And so I'm beating up on myself.
I really appreciate you sharing this. What it's making me think about is how compassion, and patience, and trying to have a lighter heart AS I do a chore, may help turn off that flood of post-accomplishment perfectionism and criticism. What, after all, is the point? How in the world does it help one single iota for me to shame myself over yesterday?
The ONLY thing we can do is do each chore in each present moment, while maintaining self-kindness and hope. That's the only thing.
I believe, like you, that this is what changes our lives.
Letting the water flow. Today. Only today. Not yesterday or tomorrow.
love
Hops
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Dear GS--
Haven't heard from you in a while.
You okay?
Thinking of you.
love,
Hops
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Oops - disappeared. Thanks for noticing, means so much.
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OF COURSE YOU ARE NOTICED!
((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))
Hops
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Thank you friend.
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The mindfulness meditations are opening up my awareness so that I can see that my reactions to the rejection of my parents and brothers generated a feeling, a feeling of rejection from which grew a state of powerlessness and resentment. In that state I looked out waiting for help, validation, rescue. In that state I brooded and my resentment grew and with the resentment came more rejection. A truly vicious interplay.
Even as I have begun to see the choice of that state or one of hole and confidence, I am drawn to the one I know, the dark one, the destructive one. Now it is my job to actively pursue the one of love and acceptance. It seems to me like that of a person learning to walk again, where every bit of energy, determination and focus is required for those initially brief early sessions of therapy, resting and returning to the broken state for most of the day only to give it your all again later.
Day after day, week after week, the body grows stronger and with meditatation the mind until that state become the default. That is my path. I see the possibility and I will persevere.
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I have a very anxiety provoking event hanging over me. This is the thing that pushes me to paralysis. I am determined to keep focus elsewhere. It takes me down a dark path and then I must pull myself out again, over and over again.
This is the only process I know that works.
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I have to travel tomorrow. I am flying across country and renting a car to go to two destinations in two days. I made reservations on Travelocity. I don't understand how to get my boarding pass. I'm on hold for a long time. I have rented a car but forgot to pick up my maps. I cannot find my credit card. I am leaving my child.
In the midst of this I am hit with an image of my father's face, filled with disgust and criticism, offering no help, only condemning remarks about my incompetinence and getting what I deserved. I hear my mother whimpering in the background that she can't help me, doesn't know how.
My mother wasn't incompetent or maybe she was. She went to Bryn Mawr and my father Princeton. But they loved to leave me hanging and grind my face in the dirt when I struggled. These memories come back to me in spades when I struggle, feel helpless and so all alone. But I also have the voice from the guided meditations which evokes the opposite images. I must redirect my focus. Especially now.
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Sometimes there come along threads that allow me to feel connected to others here, to know we have similar stories, to see that we speak a similar language unfamiliar to most. While I wish no one understood I am simultaneously grateful that others do. It helps me understand and process even more.
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It took me a long time to learn that my "paralysis" is an anxiety induced state of avoidance. Had I understood this 40 years ago my life would have been totally different. But I need to focus on whats ahead for me. Now I know what I'm dealing with. So far this winter I have found that the mindfulness meditations have put a foundation underneath me, given me something solid to stand on. It is time to both ramp up my mindfulness work and ramp up my self-care concerning sleep, exercise and nutrition. Third step, get to work -- literally.
So thankful to be on a path upward at long last. Resist the temptation to look back with regret. No time to waste doing that.
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How did the trip go, ((((GS))))?
love
Hops
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Gaining Strength?
How are you doing?
Lighter
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Hi GS - I hope you are feeling better. The mindfulness meditation is very helpful. Have you tried the emotional override tool that we went back and forth on last year? Has that been helpful for you? Its been working very well for me.
For some reason your last posts really resonated with me and its one of those times where I wish our connection via this board could be in person... you sound like you need a hug too.
All the best to you, Ales2