Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on September 14, 2015, 12:37:00 PM
-
I'm trying internet dating again and have been chatting to someone and felt I was getting on quite well with them. Bizarrely I realised today that I hadn't actually asked them what their name is despite the fact we've swopped several emails. Anyway, their name is the same as my step-dad's which means for me it's a no go. I'm just wondering if I should just be honest and tell them that's the reason I won't be talking to them again or just make an excuse. I'm veering towards making an excuse but I feel it's always obvious when someone is just spinning a line (I can always see it and feel patronised when it happens). Equally it's not a nice reason and I'm sure I wouldn't like to be told that I remind someone of someone who did something terrible to them. Which way would you go?
-
Reading it
-
Reading it
I think you don't have to justify it. Men rarely justify what they do.
Its probably too early to bring up "stuff".
Maybe ask him if he would get his name changed if he met the love of his life. Maybe he doesn't like his name. How do we know? Its a long shot and crazy.
Whatever you feel like is best. I mean there are no rules. That is sort of the rule right? I am so not helpful.
Maybe over time the name would no longer mean the old definition and would start to mean the new person.
You can tell him any white lie you want to, online dating is NO OBLIGATION, no responsibility to others only to yourself. I mean you have to be quite a few months in and doing in person dating to perhaps start to have some accountability and vulnerability ?? I don't know that is just my opinion.
-
Well you're out there, and trying.
I agree with garbonzo.... too early perhaps to share very intimate details, and........
is his name really a deal breaker if he's nice, respectful, and a good match for you?
Really?
Maybe it is.... I can't say,bc I don't have to live with your decisions, and you do. You get to say, and that's the way it has to be.
When I have similar questions, I like to ask myself questions then wait to see how it makes me feel.... sad and heavy or light and OK?
YOu may sense red flags you aren't able to put your finger on with this guy, and the name just cinches it, or......
you just can't have a constant trigger like that name in your life, you just can't,a dn that's OK too.
You do what feels light, and what you can make peace with, Tupp.
Take care of yourself.
I'm glad you're out in the world, open to receiving more joy.
Lighter
-
Thank you both for your replies, it has sort of worked itself out, his name is such a big trigger that I've not even gone back on the site since, I now have no interest at all in even speaking to a man, let alone dating one! Sigh :? What is good about 'real world' living is that you do have to deal with things that you wouldn't know were still a problem if you weren't out there trying but it is pesky. I will try again once this has passed but at the moment would karate chop any bloke that came anywhere near me :) Thank you both for your advice, hopefully this will release some 'stuff' and next time it won't be such a big deal :) x
-
:)
C'est la vie
On-line dating can be ughhhh.
I have a photo up on okcupid and guys will msg me, their profile has one photo and they are wearing sunglasses. To me that sort of shows that they are exhibiting ignorance because who posts a photo wearing sunglasses. I cant see your eyes FOOL!!!
-
:)
C'est la vie
On-line dating can be ughhhh.
I have a photo up on okcupid and guys will msg me, their profile has one photo and they are wearing sunglasses. To me that sort of shows that they are exhibiting ignorance because who posts a photo wearing sunglasses. I cant see your eyes FOOL!!!
Ha ha, G, yep, I've seen guys in their forties who are quite clearly putting up pictures of themselves much younger, just the hairstyles and clothes give it away, never mind the lack of wrinkles and grey hair. I put on my profile that I'm happy to be getting older and don't fret about the ageing process, just trying to show that I'm focused on more important things these days than how I look or what my hair is like and I got loads of emails from blokes twenty years older who obviously took that to mean I'm happy to date people old enough to be my dad :) Funny, isn't it.
Anyway, after freaking out completely and having a horrible day yesterday I had a moment of clarity and I did email and just told him the truth for my own sake, without worrying about anyone else's reaction. I realised I am tired of tiptoeing around the fact that I was ABUSED, yes, it happened, yes, it affected me and yes, it's still a problem at times, it's a huge part of my life. And I just wondered why we've created this society where we don't talk about this sort of thing openly and it's hushed up and why have I spent twenty years making excuses for my hang ups and odd behaviour when I could have just said, "This happened and it screwed me up". Weird, isn't it? Anyway, sent the email, slept for ten hours and woke up this morning feeling great! Might actually go out today and have a go at talking to a real man rather than tapping on a screen, just to show myself that the world won't end if I say hello to someone I don't know. I hope you get some pics without sunglasses through, G, it seems so funny to me that people do that :)
-
:) Well you took action that is probably all that matters really.
Okay Cupid has advertisements for lip stick and ky jelly lol its kind of seedy. heheheh
-
Well, I've got a different thought. Doesn't mean it's a useful thought though!
I am thinking that rather than run screaming from this man-with-same-name-as-hideous-abuser-stepfather and renounce all men forthwith...
you deserve to OPEN UP your life and not let that f***ing stepfather own ONE MORE MOMENT of your precious birthright to happiness.
So I advocate, telling the nice-man-with-unfortunate-name--"This is hard to mention, but I had an abusive stepdad who shares your name.
Would it be okay if I called you...Billy?" (Or any ordinary nickname for his name.)
Then keep seeing him. And don't give up on the male half of the human race, most of whom bear zero resemblance to that a**h***.
Make any sense?
love,
Hops
-
:) Well you took action that is probably all that matters really.
Okay Cupid has advertisements for lip stick and ky jelly lol its kind of seedy. heheheh
Eeew that is gross :) Not that those items aren't handy, obviously, but yeah, it does just make you think knocking shop rather than romantic attachment :)
-
Well, I've got a different thought. Doesn't mean it's a useful thought though!
I am thinking that rather than run screaming from this man-with-same-name-as-hideous-abuser-stepfather and renounce all men forthwith...
you deserve to OPEN UP your life and not let that f***ing stepfather own ONE MORE MOMENT of your precious birthright to happiness.
So I advocate, telling the nice-man-with-unfortunate-name--"This is hard to mention, but I had an abusive stepdad who shares your name.
Would it be okay if I called you...Billy?" (Or any ordinary nickname for his name.)
Then keep seeing him. And don't give up on the male half of the human race, most of whom bear zero resemblance to that a**h***.
Make any sense?
love,
Hops
He never replied to my last email anyway Hopsie, the trouble I find is it isn't my head that's the problem but the physical effects - vomiting, panic attacks, palpitations and so on. I get such an intense physical reaction in these situations that I just can't manage that and real life as well. I'll get there in the end. There's lots of blokes out there who don't remind me of him, but someone with the same name, just too much. I started laughing as I typed this because the lady next door is outside screaming "shit, Brian, the lawnmower's on fire" :) Life goes on :) xx
-
Oh, man.
I'm sorry hon. I didn't realize how intense the anxiety is.
I truly feel for you (had horrible panic attacks for years).
I hope a gentle fella appears sometime when you are ready and not a moment before.
love
Hops
-
:(
-
Oh, man.
I'm sorry hon. I didn't realize how intense the anxiety is.
I truly feel for you (had horrible panic attacks for years).
I hope a gentle fella appears sometime when you are ready and not a moment before.
love
Hops
((((((((Hops))))))))) Thank you, it's all good, I am definitely moving in the right direction, part of getting out there in the real world means coming into contact with triggers and I'm strong enough to manage it now, just not too much all the time but that will change. I'm just doing what I can, when it gets a bit much I go back into my shell for a while, it is working and those intense periods of anxiety don't last as long now, it takes a lot more to trigger them (used to happen when I saw a truck like his and as he drives a very common vehicle that was very frequent!) and I know what's going on now so I just try to ride it out, but equally it makes sense not to go to overboard with it all! I think the fact I was able to be honest about it is a big step in the right direction, there was a time when I'd have just shut down that account and not used it again (or not gone back to that place or visited that person depending on the situation). I do find I can be a bit more direct now which is all good.
-
:(
I'm still chuckling about those adverts on OKCupid, G, what a world we live in :) Have you spoken to any nice guys on there yet? x
-
Nah Two, I go on there out of boredom and just kind of an inner sadness of being alone. After surfing okcupid for a while I then often feel repulsed and appreciate being single and not having to deal with dudes.
I suck at relationships and I guess I lack the comfort with it and motivation to do it.
Since it's all out of context it also really IS a big gamble, those guys could be anybody.
There should be an online dating service where everybody agrees to some kind of private investigative background check. All the members would be a bit more legit I think.
I find a large majority of dudes are wanting sex right out of the starting gates. Luck has it that I also find most of those guys physically repugnant.
Really I punish myself by going on there.
-
I know what you mean, I've chatted to some nice people but have blocked more than I've chatted to. I do hear stories about people meeting their true love online, in all honesty I'm in much the same boat as you, I'd rather meet someone in a 'real' situation but I don't get the chance to go out without my son very often and picking up men with your child in tow is very naff! I am trying hard to 'love myself' which I always cringe at because it sounds a bit New Age but I am aware I need to focus on filling my life up with more things I love to do and just generally feeling better about myself. Online dating is a bit like window shopping but I still prefer to meet people in the flesh because you get the whole impression of them; I do think people give off a vibe and you can feel more about them face to face; when they write about themselves it's a different thing altogether - and yep, pictures can be very deceiving! :) x
-
hugs :) Eh who knows maybe there is a peace in solitude. I don't often envy people in relationships it's just ughhh. Growing up I often looked at my mother and didn't understand why she liked the guys she was with and I always said to myself that I would never be like her.
When I think about all the women who have ever found themselves stuck in a relationship since the beginning of mankind... I feel like I am living some past woman's dream of "freedom" to be alone and single.
I could see how it would be even more challenging with kids, but you know what at a certain age a lot of guys already have kids from previous relationships also.
-
Feh I mean honestly I don't think relationships are likely to make people happy.
Its old but still...
I mean all these types of articles : http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1282851/Six-10-couples-unhappy-relationship.html
-
hugs :) Eh who knows maybe there is a peace in solitude. I don't often envy people in relationships it's just ughhh. Growing up I often looked at my mother and didn't understand why she liked the guys she was with and I always said to myself that I would never be like her.
When I think about all the women who have ever found themselves stuck in a relationship since the beginning of mankind... I feel like I am living some past woman's dream of "freedom" to be alone and single.
I could see how it would be even more challenging with kids, but you know what at a certain age a lot of guys already have kids from previous relationships also.
Yeah I don't know that I'm really cut out for relationships either, most people I know put up with behaviour that I couldn't be bothered with and the women always seem to make a lot more sacrifices than their male partners (although saying that I know a same sex couple where one rules the roost and the other does as she's told so I guess it's not just male/female relationships). I find it hard to meet people who have a balance that is right for me - good fun but able to be serious/sensible when needed, laid back but moving forward - if that makes sense? Spontaneous but not irresponsible. Good at reading people but not having that need to jump in and tell people what to do? I get quite irritated by fairly small things, I find. I find racism so offensive and it's rife in the UK at the moment, and even that I find I read something someone said (this is the downside of Facebook, you get to see corners of people's minds that you don't want to know about) and I find something in me just switches off and I don't want to be around them again. Anyway - I've decided that I'm worn out, stressed out and doing too much at the minute so I've decided to dedicate the winter to my health and to relaxing and recharging my batteries. So my internet dating profile will be coming down, I want to stop munching biscuits and comfort eating chips, get more exercise, get more sleep (or at least more time in bed if not more sleep), top up my vitamins, spend some time doing things I love (sewing - not good at it but I like it. Writing - so many ideas for books and stories that I never do anything with. Craft - usually looks like an enthusiastic five year old has had a go but I enjoy it and want to do more of it. Might teach myself guitar). And just focus on me. I think I realised that I still feel I need other people to make me acceptable? If this guy dates me it means I'm okay, if these people are my friends it means I'm a nice person. So I think I need to work on me liking me a bit more? I still get waves of absolute self revulsion at times, very strong, so I think I need to deal with that. I've started trying to meditate a little bit each day, just stuff I found in YouTube, but there's a group starting up near me in a few weeks time so I think I'm going to go along to that and have a go. I'm so tired all the time! It's not a normal state to be in :) Anyway, G, are you up to much over the weekend? x
-
Is there something about us "daughters of narcissists" or us "single people" that are more inflexible I wonder. Because I think the same thing you have just stated when you said: How can people put up with all of that?
Oh to answer your question no, I was not up to much for the weekend. I roasted butternut squash. I went to the bank. Watched a documentary about a Korean baby drop box, slept in. Ate. Did laundry. Was mainly lazy. Watched too much "TV" which I just watch on my laptop because I don't have a tv. Grocery shopping. Pulled out a few plants that were petering out for the end of summer. Actually did very little. I sort of enjoy not having to go anywhere. Not that my work commute is bad or anything.
-
I just took down or "hid" my online dating profile too.
I had started to update it and two things put me off--telling folks honestly how I feel about men my age constantly setting age ranges they'd like to meet at a decade younger than themselves. It's a feminist and equality thing that irritates me because it's so automatic and so pervasive.
Surely by their mid-60s reproducing isn't an issue, and since most women outlive most men--I tend to view it as them saying (or unconsciously conveying): "Doesn't matter to me if my future partner will be widowed unnecessarily early. I want a younger bod to play with and I'm entitled to her youth." The man who does what I do (setting preferred age range at even intervals younger and older than myself) is rare as hen's teeth. I don't do it because I'm certain that all men 10 years older or younger will be attractive to me, but because out of a sense of fairness, I don't think it's fair or kind to rule them out sight unseen.
The other thing is that I started feeling the need to explain that I am 10-12 pounds heavier than the 2010 pic I use (because I really like it) and then that got my goat, too. I do think it's important not to be deceptive but the amount of anxiety I was feeling over 10 pounds annoyed me too.
I'm clearly too cranky and brittle (or vulnerable) to be dating at the moment so I'm taking a break until I know what to say and show and how I want to do that.
Thanks for the inspiration, y'all.
Hops
-
Same here Hops, I notice guys who date younger... which means there are guys in their upper 50's or so that message me. Personally I don't like that. I'm in my 30's I mean I'm not that young YET it still does BOTHER me. It's 100% based on physical sexiness maybe is why it bothers me.
Hops I think that it transitions from being a reproductive issue to an ego issue. When my grandfather was in his 70's and on his deathbed dying of cancer he was still talking about women. Shrug who knows.
Then there are guys in there 20's who message me which is also funny they say "I like older women".
In the end NONE of it feels right. Mainly I find they are all looking for "pluck" buddies.
One guy started out saying all this stuff about how he was mature and responsible blah blah blah had a good job blah, looking for a smart lady blah.
So I tried to converse with him and he didn't converse. After his introduction of himself above ^^^^^^ he then started in very quickly with "so what would it take for me to get you turned on right now"... and stuff like that.
Oh here I am going to cut and paste look, it just kind of sums it up:
Matt 43: "Mechanical Engineer undergrad, MBA graduate, plays ice hockey, like smart, sexy women"....... How often do you get laid? --Do you have more pictures? -- I'd love to see the rest of you -- Horny and surfing porn - you? -- Any way to help you get horny? :) -- Always good to wind down with an orgasm or 3 right?
Mikey 27: "You horny" ... (That is his msg to me and I specifically put on my page "do not contact me for intimate encounters")
You know its just a sausage festival.
Okay... looking at someone's profile he is 37 and the age range he posts as what he is looking for is women 20-38.
Sorry for sounding negative all the time, I know I do. Still hiding under a rock sounds cozy
-
Is there something about us "daughters of narcissists" or us "single people" that are more inflexible I wonder. Because I think the same thing you have just stated when you said: How can people put up with all of that?
Oh to answer your question no, I was not up to much for the weekend. I roasted butternut squash. I went to the bank. Watched a documentary about a Korean baby drop box, slept in. Ate. Did laundry. Was mainly lazy. Watched too much "TV" which I just watch on my laptop because I don't have a tv. Grocery shopping. Pulled out a few plants that were petering out for the end of summer. Actually did very little. I sort of enjoy not having to go anywhere. Not that my work commute is bad or anything.
You've just described my weekend to a T, right down to the butternut squash! I am purposely focusing on taking things easy over the winter; I'm tired of constantly rushing around and trying to 'do' things so we are enjoying plenty of lounging around and baking :)
I know other people who've had similar upbringings and they're the same; no tolerance for other people behaving badly. Perhaps it wears us out when we have to deal with it for years, or makes us notice it much more quickly? I think for me as well I'm so used to being on my own that I don't endless think about having someone in my life. It's generally late evening when I think it would be nice to cuddle up to someone but I couldn't cope with eight hours of being annoyed during the day for that to happen. Every now and again I make an effort but I do find I don't value the same things that society in general values and I think that makes it harder as well. Fewer people to chose from. I find a lot of my female friends are more like mums to their partners than they are partners? I couldn't cope with that at all.
-
I just took down or "hid" my online dating profile too.
I had started to update it and two things put me off--telling folks honestly how I feel about men my age constantly setting age ranges they'd like to meet at a decade younger than themselves. It's a feminist and equality thing that irritates me because it's so automatic and so pervasive.
Surely by their mid-60s reproducing isn't an issue, and since most women outlive most men--I tend to view it as them saying (or unconsciously conveying): "Doesn't matter to me if my future partner will be widowed unnecessarily early. I want a younger bod to play with and I'm entitled to her youth." The man who does what I do (setting preferred age range at even intervals younger and older than myself) is rare as hen's teeth. I don't do it because I'm certain that all men 10 years older or younger will be attractive to me, but because out of a sense of fairness, I don't think it's fair or kind to rule them out sight unseen.
The other thing is that I started feeling the need to explain that I am 10-12 pounds heavier than the 2010 pic I use (because I really like it) and then that got my goat, too. I do think it's important not to be deceptive but the amount of anxiety I was feeling over 10 pounds annoyed me too.
I'm clearly too cranky and brittle (or vulnerable) to be dating at the moment so I'm taking a break until I know what to say and show and how I want to do that.
Thanks for the inspiration, y'all.
Hops
Aw Hops the whole online thing is another dimension, isn't it! I'm the same, I just had a head and shoulders shot up, I'm me, a human being, I want someone who wants me for my brain and my soul and my heart, not the dress size I wear or the height I am. I fully appreciate that there is physical attraction to be factored in, we all want that, but if I meet a guy who is kind, generous with his time, willing to listen and able to have fun even if we're not doing much then I don't care if he's a bit overweight, or a bit short, or bald, or anything else that isn't typically thought of as ideal! So I understand completely where you're coming from on that.
As far as age goes I've had a similar problem, lots of very young men who want to tick off 'older woman' on their bucket list and lots of guys ten to twenty years older. I'm like you, I won't rule anyone out on age alone but generally speaking more than five years either side just takes you into a different generation and I don't feel too comfortable with that. I think you're right to have a bit of time out; as I mentioned in my post to G I've decided to spend the winter focusing on resting, eating well and getting more exercise, for the sake of my health and to give my overworked brain a rest :) x
-
Same here Hops, I notice guys who date younger... which means there are guys in their upper 50's or so that message me. Personally I don't like that. I'm in my 30's I mean I'm not that young YET it still does BOTHER me. It's 100% based on physical sexiness maybe is why it bothers me.
Hops I think that it transitions from being a reproductive issue to an ego issue. When my grandfather was in his 70's and on his deathbed dying of cancer he was still talking about women. Shrug who knows.
Then there are guys in there 20's who message me which is also funny they say "I like older women".
In the end NONE of it feels right. Mainly I find they are all looking for "pluck" buddies.
One guy started out saying all this stuff about how he was mature and responsible blah blah blah had a good job blah, looking for a smart lady blah.
So I tried to converse with him and he didn't converse. After his introduction of himself above ^^^^^^ he then started in very quickly with "so what would it take for me to get you turned on right now"... and stuff like that.
Oh here I am going to cut and paste look, it just kind of sums it up:
Matt 43: "Mechanical Engineer undergrad, MBA graduate, plays ice hockey, like smart, sexy women"....... How often do you get laid? --Do you have more pictures? -- I'd love to see the rest of you -- Horny and surfing porn - you? -- Any way to help you get horny? :) -- Always good to wind down with an orgasm or 3 right?
Mikey 27: "You horny" ... (That is his msg to me and I specifically put on my page "do not contact me for intimate encounters")
You know its just a sausage festival.
Okay... looking at someone's profile he is 37 and the age range he posts as what he is looking for is women 20-38.
Sorry for sounding negative all the time, I know I do. Still hiding under a rock sounds cozy
Eeew I think it would be hard to find anything positive about all that G!
-
Matt 43: "Mechanical Engineer undergrad, MBA graduate, plays ice hockey, like smart, sexy women"....... How often do you get laid? --Do you have more pictures? -- I'd love to see the rest of you -- Horny and surfing porn - you? -- Any way to help you get horny? Smile -- Always good to wind down with an orgasm or 3 right?
Mikey 27: "You horny"
.
This isn't meant to indict the many good men out there, but these two blokes probably think that a couple of loud farts equals a mating call!
-
Matt 43: "Mechanical Engineer undergrad, MBA graduate, plays ice hockey, like smart, sexy women"....... How often do you get laid? --Do you have more pictures? -- I'd love to see the rest of you -- Horny and surfing porn - you? -- Any way to help you get horny? Smile -- Always good to wind down with an orgasm or 3 right?
Mikey 27: "You horny"
.
This isn't meant to indict the many good men out there, but these two blokes probably think that a couple of loud farts equals a mating call!
That would be an ACCURATE description of these two over-aged adolescents! *Snicker*