Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on May 09, 2016, 11:25:33 PM
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My biggest struggle right now is to focus on the job hunt.
I'm scared.
I'm lazy.
I often stay in bed ALL DAY--and it's not fatigue.
It's withdrawal from taking care of my life.
I have to stop hiding from it.
I have to move my body or it will stop working.
I'm pretty worried about how extreme it's getting.
I'm scared of the future. Losing two jobs in a row was pretty damaging to my morale,
which has been shaky in recent years anyway. I'm facing (or not facing) how damaging.
I did things yesterday that were good...but not today.
I'm alarmed at my capacity to keep turning over and giving up into escapism of binge levels.
I can't afford to do this level of self-sabotage but I've been doing it anyway.
Just scared,
Hops
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Hops:
You've overcome so much. I have no doubt you NEED this down time. Your body and mind are taking it, no matter how you feel about it, so you might resist judging....
observe...... see what comes up.
Sometimes we need to be still, Hops.
On some level a part of you realizes you need this, and have time for it. Finally.
Embrace the stillness, as you can, and trust that energy will come. Movement will follow. You will move yourself out of this space, IME.
Judging and beating yourself up only slows the process, IME.
(((((Hops))))))
::sending you the courage to embrace the stillness::
Lighter
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Sorry Hops. It is very, very difficult to suffer that way. I know all too well.
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(((Hops))),
My friend had a job for 10 years and was fired. She got another job and was fired after 2 months. Then, she got a 3rd job & it was the right job and that's where she is today. This all happened within the last year or 2.
Like you, my friend lost the the 1st job because her boss was an A-Hole. Likewise, she lost the 2nd job due to a dragon lady. My friend found the 3rd job because she has marketable skills and I'm sure that you do too. So, please don't give up. It's hard, but the right job is out there for you. Maybe a shower or a bath can help you mobilize? Or a walk?
As we all know, there are A-Holes & dragons out there. At first, it may be difficult to discern who the A-Holes & dragons are, but they show themselves in time. So, when you find the 3rd job (and you will!!), may I suggest being a tabula rasa until you can discerned who are the A-Holes & dragons at the new job? Both bosses & co-workers can be A-Holes & dragons & they're usually afraid the newbie might make them look bad in comparison. So, Peter Principle: find the level & rhythm of the new place where you'll be working & just fit in.
Hope you feel better.
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I wish we could be there to guard your door, care for your pooch, bring you tea, and help you rally, Hops.
This too shall pass.
It always does, IME.
Lighter
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Thinking of you, Hops...
Richard
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Hey, Hops.
Let's face it, when life hurts - it HURTS all over. And doing the brave thing, the enthusiasm, rah-rah cheerleader, go team go doesn't always feel right or "fit".
So, part 1: it has to be OK to just stay in bed for awhile, nurse the hurt, wallow in it - enough for whatever part of you believes this is going to help - to say, OK I'm over that now... or it worked/didn't work. I honestly think age has a bit to do with that as well. It's almost exciting (says hindsight) to think about starting over from scratch at building a life - even at 40 - because we are on that timeline where it looks like there's plenty of time to do what needs to be done.
It's a bit harder to be excited about this at 60 or more. I SWEAR, I can hear a little girl saying, where is, who is, the person who's going to come take care of me, the way I've taken care of others? She's dead serious, too. That early life deficit comes back to haunt us later on in life, if we have one. And of course it comes back with an added "feature" (sometimes known as a "bug" in technology) - FEAR.
Experience has taught us that being too trusting has downsides; that people (and especially businesses) don't think the same way we do - and often are deliberately deceitful. On the other hand, we so desperately seek that trusting relationship - that early primary caregiver level of feeling loved, heard and protected - that we feel we MUST risk "it all" to finally be able to experience that. Unwise choices are most frequently found in effort expended from desperation. When that doesn't turn out the way we hope... we really do need a time to turtle inward and heal up and figure out what we're doing wrong.
S'ok... it's nature's way. I have such a fear of being "stuck" in something like that, that I don't allow myself (much) time to really "be" in those darker places. It helps if you have a trusted someone to go there with you, that knows to not propose solutions and just wallow in the vagaries and ironies of life and that it has a set, agreed to time limit, going into a "session". 1 evening, 1 day, 1 week... per month. And just go sit on the edge, look into the abyss, and BE with all of that part of you and your life. It's not "bad"... it's just a part of you that needs heard, too.
Modern sensibilities think that's an awful damn thing, and does everything in it's power to punish us for doing it and warn us of the danger. Well, "hope" based in nothing more than "tomorrow is another day and everything will look different" is also dangerous. I go against the modern prescription of "fake it till you make it" because there really is a benefit and positive result out of having a "dark night of the soul". Allowing yourself this, to go into it right to the edge of that abyss... and then SIT THERE, LOOKING at it... and hell, not even thinking. Just letting the tapes auto-play until you're so tired & bored of it, you get up and walk away. This takes a type of discipline - that I think you have inherently, Hops. A natural kindness that will wake up and blossom again, once you've bled all the "infection" away.
So, you know, that's why the amazons exist - and why we keep a fire going - so that when it's someone else's turn to do this, we're ready to wrap our protection around them and sit quietly on the edge of the abyss with them. Magically, there is everything we need during those times. And no weakness or shame or "giving up" involved in that periodic need to visit the "dark side"... while the wounds heal.
(((((Hopsy)))))
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Hops, and Amazons:
I was revisiting the poem She Let Go, and forwarding to a friend recently. There's more stuff beneath the poem, and it feels right to put it here.
I hope you don't mind, ((((Hops))))
Lighter
‘She Let Go’ a Poem by Rev. Safire Rose
by Michael Alperstein | Breakthrough Guidance, Poems and Spiritual Beauty
She Let Go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
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Letting Go of Control – By Michael Alperstein
Trying to control something that cannot be controlled causes a feeling of heaviness, of burdensomeness. The way out? Be of service to a Greater Good. For example, be kind not just to one person, but rather, develop awareness that kindness TO one person IS a kindness to many people. Kindness spreads naturally. When you are of service to a Greater Good, burdens you have shouldered shrink or fade away.
letting go and surrender
letting go and surrender
Do you ask yourself or others a lot of spiritual questions? Although of course there is a time to ask questions, it is equally true there is a time to let go of questions, especially spiritual ones.
Consider this: Sometimes asking questions is a way of trying to control things. If we are asking a lot of questions, it might be the case that we are “holding on” to our fear and worry.
The real answer to a spiritual question becomes revealed by asking, then letting go.
Ask. Then trust. Let go of the QUESTION itself.
The answer will be revealed.
Pause. Breathe. Step into the unknown. Allow.
The deepest answer won’t be intellectual. It will be a feeling or a sense of inner knowing. Or it will show up as a slowly growing light upon a Path of Opportunity in response to your asking and intention.
In essence, the answer IS the letting go of the question.
“Everything will change when your desire to move on exceeds your desire to hold on.” ~ Alan H. Cohen
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Breath: A Doorway into Letting Go
Breathing opens a window into surrender and letting go. We simply direct our attention into our breath… Breath circulates our energy and re-charges our Inner Connection.
To everyone reading this: I suggest we try this now… There is an opportunity to join in consciousness….
Bring attention to your breathing……
With an easy and soft focus, allow each inhalation and exhalation to reveal from Whence you came.
Travel the breath back to Consciousness…..
Deep, effortless breath….
Keep going…
You cannot do this wrong… the doing it is what counts…
Eckhart Tolle, in his book A New Earth, speaks about how breathing can deepen Presence. He shares how it helps you feel the Inner Body and give acceptance to your current emotional state.
“Someone recently showed me the annual prospectus of a large spiritual organization. When I looked through it, I was impressed by the wide choice of interesting seminars and workshops. It reminded me of a smorgasbord, on of those Scandinavian buffets where you can take your pick from a huge variety of enticing dishes. The person asked me whether I could recommend one or two courses. “I don’t know,” I said. “They all look so interesting. But I do know this,” I added. “Be aware of your breathing as often as you are able, whenever you remember. Do that for one year, and it will be more powerfully transformative than attending all of these courses. And it’s free.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
“Being aware of your breath forces you into the present moment – the key to all inner transformation.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Another beautiful reminder:
“Close your eyes. Think of your breaths as lives, and you the entity through which they have passed and are passing. Then you will feel your state of grace…” ~ Seth/Jane Roberts
Open. Allow.
Breathe Deep into the spiritual well in your Heart.
We sometimes play the game that Presence is not real. That is a story. Presence is always real.
Don’t look for it. Know it’s real.
Breathe it. Be it. Feel it.
Peel the story back.
Then you find it, because you are it.
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Lighter, Skep, Doc G, Ann, TT and GS--Thank you.
Really. Lighter, you give me courage and calm. And help me reckon with my need to respect a wound while it bleeds.
PR, boy. Same, plus a reminder that some excitement and renewal can also be a part of this time of life, when I'm ready.
Doc G--bless ya.
TT, more blessings. Thanks for your generous spirit.
Ann, you too. Thank you for helping me take it all less personally--this stuff happens everywhere. I do not have a Ratcheer, Dragon People target on my back, it just feels that way sometimes.
GS--oh I know you know. I cheer every inch for you.
Love you all.
I made my bed today.
Took my Rx.
Then wrote an enormous rant about supplements on PR's thread, which I hope will not offend you Lighter or annoy you PR (what a hijack). Hope it'll be excused as too much stimulant! (OH the irony...). I'm taking the full dose as of the last couple days instead of the usual crumb I was doing.
I do think it's going to help lift the depression, but major attacks of knowitallitis are a real side effect...sorry.
love and much much gratitude to all,
Hops
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Hops is up :D
::running to Amber's thread to read rant::
I'm so glad you're feeling better, H.
Light
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A rant doesn't figure into the accounting, Hops... that silly calculator of "stuff"... it is letting the chips fall where they may! and getting on with YOU.
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With music coming up on another thread, I wanted to bring a little here.
I can't play the ukulele, but this is one of the songs my youngest dd learned to play by Amanda Palmer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni6qaNUcd9E
Lighter
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Lighter, thank you.
I re-read the She Let Go piece and it was wonderful.
A keeper.
Thanks very much,
Hops
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Hops,
Just catching up as I haven't had internet access at home for a while so haven't been able to get online. Didn't know about the job situation changing like this - I'm sure it's all in another thread so will find out what's been going on as I read up! But am sorry to find that things haven't worked out so well and that things are a struggle again now. Amazing advice and comments from everyone - this place really is an oasis of calm and sanity in an increasingly crazy world. Can only offer you my understanding and best wishes from my heart (and, not for the first time, wish I knew you in the real world because I'd give you the biggest hug and take care of 'stuff' for you for a while so you could take to your bed and call the world an arsehole :) ). I do think Skep is spot on; it is alright to give up every now and again and hide under the duvet, but equally I know how much I start to fret when I get to that stage and how uncomfortable it can feel - always a contradiction! I am hoping this path levels out a bit soon and becomes a bit more comfortable for you to be on xxx
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free association -- after reading this thread I googled "shame of being depressed" because I was thinking of how it sucks that somehow people are not allowed to have down points in life, like we all have to be up up up and on the go and cheery and beaming and performing at maximum capacity, I wish I could just have a reprieve... anyhow I randomly came across an article that states that some people might have chronic shame rather than actual depression a concept that I have never even considered really ever, I mean maybe I considered it but not in those exact words, almost every time I come to this board I end up leaving it with some sort of new angle.... anyhow not diagnosing anybody, just thought it was interesting, I will just post it under Anything
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I want to read that.
I think shame has been a huge factor in my depression.
Feelings of failure. Parenthood. Work. Garden. Creative life.
Thanks, G.
Hops
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Hops,
We all or most have fear of being a failure. I sure do. And I fail at times, sometimes by choice. Like this past week. Things are over whelming and everything is out of control. Sometimes they are not in my control. Sure I try to keep everything in order but then One Thing happens and throws you off. Then another and another. And I do a ..F it. Now when I do this it's going to get worse but I have to step back and really quiet myself and rest my body. I don't know what's more depressing looking at a mess or knowing things are going to get put back in order (big cleaning job) inside out. Shew!
But yes I shut down! Yes I fail! And Yes I am a Human that feels very afraid at times. No shame in that although we tend to set standards that No Human could keep 24/7 for ourselves. We speak kinder to others then we do to ourself. We wouldn't shame another over being tired, being afraid, being depressed. I do that to myself too at times.
It's okay Hops. It's alright to examine and feel bad. It does not make you a failure. It makes you human. Don't be so hard on yourself. I've reminded myself to do the same. It's been a bad week. So right now I'm looking eyeball to eyeball with my little pug sitting in the middle of the kitchen table just wagging her tail away. I gave her a slice of my cheese and a hug and put her down. She is NOT allowed on my table but tomorrow is another day and we will start over and reinforce..No table! I should have done it tonight but I failed to do it.
So me too Hops...I fail at things too But I'm not a failure, Neither are you! Don't be scared. Cause I am too. We'll get through things. We always do.
Love Deb
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Aww, Deb.
What a kind and loving response.
Thank you, dear woman. And the bonus is, makes me so happy you popped up!
I'm really sorry you've had one of those One Thing+ weeks. I hope the step by step approach really works you out of the mess.
You do have a source of power though...PUG POWAAAAAAAAAAH!
Aren't pets just the best? My pooch gives me so much devoted affection I'm just amazed by her.
I've never had an animal who craves close contact more, and it was exactly what I needed to.
When either of us is scared we just lie close together until we both wind down. It's drug-free magic!
I start training for my new job on Tuesday (wine server for tastings at a winery...simple, people job in lovely places.)
Thank you for helping get me unstuck.
I went to church today and the youth (13-17) ran the service. They each gave their faith statements, and I loved
hearing them. They were different (some mystical, some matter of fact and earth-centered, some open to belief, one atheist)--but what
they all had in common was a firm confidence that their core principle is to treat people with love, fairness and kindness. One said, I have learned that there is nothing wrong with not respecting a person's opinion, but we must always respect the person. It hit me how clear, unaxious, confident and free they were, in stating their own individual religious creeds as UUs. They weren't operating out of guilt or fears, but from their exploration of spirituality and theology and all kinds of religions. They were thoughtful and centered and warm.
On the way out I was trying to express why I liked them so much to a SW friend, and she said, what's unique about this service, and about them, is that they don't have to be "right." And that was beautiful. She nailed it.
Thanks again, Deb...hope you'll stick around.
Hugs
Hops
but
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Congrats on the new job, Hops.... even if it's not your dream job, it's another open door that likely leads to a place you really want to be in, IMO.
::nodding::
HI HIHIHIHI Deb :D
We have a year old Pug baby girl, and she's just buddery lovely chubby goodness in our lives. She's not allowed in the kitchen, and if she forgets we get out the squirt bottle... nicknamed "Caesar" Milan, which Pug recognizes, and obeys. We don't even have to squirt her anymore........
she knows.
I just had company and my house is under control, but I have plenty of nitty gritty editing and organizing to dive into that I'm resisting. I did my clothes with the Marie Kundo book, but haven't started another phase yet. Books are next. I'm anticipating a huge garage sale in the fall.
Organizing and editing is like pulling apart a knot for me. Things have to get much worse to make them better...
things out of sight are out of mind, so I just dive in, make a splendid mess when I start any project, and know I'll be making peace with it till it's done.
It's daunting, and I have to be in the right head space while resisting being hard on myself. Things go more quickly if my inner voice is monitored, kind and patient. If I need things to go more quickly, I have to get someone else involved, and I don't mind asking anymore. No shame in it anymore.
Nice to see you on the board, Deb.
Lighter
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Hops
It is so hard to be in a new, strange and unsupported place and the advice to just let go seems the best one. You are not Depressed because you want to stay in your jammies and hide under the covers. If you want to take crack or meth or something its problematic but you have gone through so much and pushed a very big rock up the hill for years. Sometimes just letting go and letting yourself feel all the losses is the beginning of resurrecting yourself. It is hard work reinventing yourself.
A psychologist years ago suggested spending twenty four hours in bed and doing as little as possible as one of the best aids to lifting dark moods. I think it works.
This shame spiral you are in about being a failure makes me think you are isolating. You are wonderful. If you can bestir yourself to even go out for coffee it helps to shift things. Loneliness is a big stressor.
So preachy, but I just want to help you.
Lots of love
sea
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Thanks, Lighter and Sea....most mucho.
Mood is lifting already now that the job's begun.
It's busy and physically active and means I meet people who are doing a recreational activity, in good moods, and that makes such a diff.
I'll be tired for a month as I'd gotten sedentary but now at least 3 days a week won't be able to stay in bed!
I've noticed I'm starting to perk up and do little things like plant flowers. No grand scale but it does signify an upswing.
Whew.
I thought a lot about how bad it got (depression) for a few weeks there and realized that personality and living-sitch wise, I need to make an effort to (first choice) see someone ftf who cares about me every day, or if that's not possible, to talk to someone likewise. Even briefly, I know those contacts make a big difference in my mental health.
For me, texting just doesn't cut it, so I'm "training" friends to know that yes, that old-fashioned voice instrument, the telephone, still works...
And off topic but wth...if anybody in the U.S. is looking to economize, I can't recommend Ting.com enough. My cell bill was $17 this month!
Hugs all,
Hops
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Hops: I so identify with doing small pleasurable activities. Today I'll hang a hummingbird house, and put dryer lint on ground beneath for nesting. So happy to do this one small thing.
I'm trying to cultivate gratitude for every meal, cup of coffee, and things I'm lucky to have in my life... clean running water, a washer/dryer, safe neighborhood, with neighbors.
I'm learning to balance the 51% rule for myself for the first time, and it's really a challenge.
I'm glad your new position is bringing energy into your life. Glad to read you've been playing in the dirt again.
I think talking to people, touching base with other is also about being OK with one or two special folks who know and accept us just as we are..... warts and all.
OK.... I just finished hanging the hummingbird house.... so adorable. Lint in place... pots watered. It's a good day.
I really enjoyed reading your update, Hops.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter and Sea....most mucho.
Mood is lifting already now that the job's begun.
It's busy and physically active and means I meet people who are doing a recreational activity, in good moods, and that makes such a diff.
I'll be tired for a month as I'd gotten sedentary but now at least 3 days a week won't be able to stay in bed!
I've noticed I'm starting to perk up and do little things like plant flowers. No grand scale but it does signify an upswing.
Whew.
I thought a lot about how bad it got (depression) for a few weeks there and realized that personality and living-sitch wise, I need to make an effort to (first choice) see someone ftf who cares about me every day, or if that's not possible, to talk to someone likewise. Even briefly, I know those contacts make a big difference in my mental health.
For me, texting just doesn't cut it, so I'm "training" friends to know that yes, that old-fashioned voice instrument, the telephone, still works...
And off topic but wth...if anybody in the U.S. is looking to economize, I can't recommend Ting.com enough. My cell bill was $17 this month!
Hugs all,
Hops
Glad you're enjoying the new job, Hops, it is lovely being around people who are having fun. We used to live by the seaside years ago and it was always full of people on holiday, busy but such a different sort of busy to people who are rushing to and from work. It was lovely, I'm glad you're enjoying it and completely understand what you mean about the phone! For me texting is great for a quick 'I'm on my way' or 'I'm running a bit late' but I need to hear someone's voice, you want to hear the warmth in it and I love the sound of people laughing :) Glad you've got some planting done as well :) x