Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on June 27, 2016, 01:42:04 AM
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Hi everybody,
It occurred to me this morning that one of the reasons I am feeling quite flat and unfulfilled at the minute is that I've stopped trying to be a people pleaser and falling over myself to keep everybody happy. I think, in the past, that that is how I've measured my self worth; if everybody likes me then I'm good, if they don't then I'm not.
I've worked at boundaries, as you all know, and have lost more people from my life in the process. I know overall this is a good thing and that I needed to put boundaries in place. I wasn't happy and felt I was being misused. But I have found it hard to cope with not having people around - even people I didn't particularly enjoy being around any more. I've found it hard to cope with people not wanting me once I became more authentic and the fact that I'm really not seeming to meet people who do want to be around me. I sort of feel that now I'm not doing what other people want I'm not good enough company for people simply to want to spend time with me.
I've been trying internet dating again and I've been on a couple of dates. I am trying to take the 'one step at a time' approach; it's been so long since I've been on a date that I just focused on the fact that I was getting through the front door and tried not to worry about anything else. Neither date has led to another and I've talked to guys online who seem to quickly and suddenly lose interest. Again, I'm trying not to take it personally and to be myself but I am finding the rejection of my authentic self difficult to cope with. I suppose someone rejecting a fake version of you isn't so painful. To give an example that I know is ridiculous but that is really bothering me at the moment is that someone on another forum I use - whom I've never met - has made something for me after I admired one of his items online (he's a craftsmen and makes beautiful furniture). It's incredibly kind of him; he's done if for no reason other than he knew I liked it and he doesn't live too far from me so I can go and collect it. But I'm absolutely terrified of getting there and him realising I'm a fake and I'm not worth bothering with. I know it's so silly but I feel real dread about going over to collect it and the simple act of accepting someone else's kindness is really difficult for me, because I don't feel worthy.
I don't feel I have any sense of self worth and I wondered how others get theirs and if they have to work at it? I am a good mum and I know that, but I think being a good mum is the least you can be when you have a child so I don't feel that makes me a particularly worthy person. I do have some good friends, very good friends, and I'm lucky to have them and do appreciate and cherish them. But equally I speak to them fairly infrequently for the most part and see them even less (because of distance). So as much as I appreciate both of those things, it doesn't seem to be enough and I wondered what others do to boost their own self worth and see themselves in a good light? x
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Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...
I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.
To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.
So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.
I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.
The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.
Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.
Love to you,
Hops
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Hi Tupp,
Almost asleep so this'll be short...
I'm sad to understand you continue to struggle with the question you recently posed in Tips for Boosting Self Esteem -- and I feel like I only offer the same idea everywhere, just slightly restated.
To me, still, it's about compassion for yourself. Actually feeling it. Because it's only practice that can undo years of self-rejection, self-criticism.
So tapping into love and then beaming it into your own heart, over and over and over, until you actually feel (rather than think) love for yourself... I think is the answer.
I think you need to feel it, rather than think it.
The meditations are a good thing. Your finding a counselor was a great thing. And maybe focusing on how self-love would allow you to deserve a nice gift. And go collect it in happiness.. how that is okay.
Not just okay but normal. It's normal for loving acts to flow in the world.
Love to you,
Hops
Thanks, Hopsie. I think I'm struggling with the 'how'. I'm trying to be kind to myself, look after myself, see the good things, get out there in the world and leave all the bad things behind me. But I just seem to be feeling more numb, more lonely, more isolated and disconnected. It seems to be making me feel worse instead of better. I'm not really sure why. Will think about it more during the day. Hope you have a lovely sleep :) xx
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Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".
For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".
When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.
IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)? What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?
OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".
Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)
I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself.
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Theoretically some people really are happier when they make other people happy like personality trait for some. There was an article I read about personalities, I wish I could remember what it was. It basically said that for some personalities it's more important to get along with others than it is to be right. Also conversely it's more important to some personalities to get their own way or to prove their own point or something like that.
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Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".
For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".
When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.
IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)? What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?
OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".
Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)
I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself.
Skep, thank you, there's a lot in there for me to think about and ponder, I will read and re-read and give it all some thought. The people pleasing aspect, yes, definitely, and I think that's where I'm struggling at the moment. I've broken/given up the bad habits to a large extent but now there's just a vacuum that no-one else seems to want to step into with me so I feel very alone and I'm struggling to figure out how to bridge that gap. I annoy myself at the moment so I find it hard to imagine other people wanting to be around me (although some do).
I think I'm struggling with the compassion element at the moment as well. I can look at my life and list umpteen situations that I've overcome, from abuse to drink and drug problems to homelessness and lack of cash to a whole manner of difficulties relating to my son. And I can see that's good and that I've done well but it doesn't seem to make me feel I'm worth anything to myself. I feel like I'm just a tough cookie that's coped with a lot and I don't feel like I've achieved anything for myself; it feels more like I've just been good at dealing with situations that other people have created?
There's a lot in what you've written for me to ponder. Thank you :) xx
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Theoretically some people really are happier when they make other people happy like personality trait for some. There was an article I read about personalities, I wish I could remember what it was. It basically said that for some personalities it's more important to get along with others than it is to be right. Also conversely it's more important to some personalities to get their own way or to prove their own point or something like that.
G, that makes a lot of sense to me. I do genuinely enjoy helping people out and I do feel good if I reach out to someone who needs it. I can't pass a homeless person on the street without stopping to say hello, just because I know how it feels to go days at a time without any human contact and I know what a difference it can make when someone takes five minutes out of their day to make you feel alive. It does make me feel good and I hope it does a little something for that person as well. But I think i've taken it waaaaaay to far in the past and that's where the boundary issue has cropped up. Equally I would rather get along with someone instead of hammering my point home (unless it's over something really important but if it's just chit chat somewhere then I wouldn't want to be the person that spoils the gathering for the sake of scoring a point). I suppose it's a question of satisfying your personality without losing sight of yourself completely in the meantime?
How are you getting on now? xx
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Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.
I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them.
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Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.
I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them.
Eating cantaloupe sounds nice, G :) The sun is out here today, for the first time for weeks, there's a thunder of lawnmowers going as everyone rushes out to cut their grass :)
Yes, the lines are tricky, aren't they? I like helping people but don't want to be a doormat and equally I know a lot of people who want emotional help rather than practical - ie, they want someone to dump on, whereas I think I'd probably get more out of something if I was helping the homeless or visiting someone who doesn't have family, something like that.
I've been thinking more about how I spend my time and I still find most of my day is filled with things I don't particularly want to do, which in turn means I procrastinate a lot and feel bored and unfulfilled, which in turn again leads to comfort eating and moaning a lot :) I need to think about that a bit more, I think, and see what I can do to change that.
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There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.
I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.
I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.
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There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.
I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.
I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.
You're right, Skep, I do think that some of what I'm experiencing is to do with the menopause! I do find I'm having some very black days in the fortnight before my period and the mood seems to lift as quickly as it came on; I don't have any problem with mood swings in the other two weeks of the month so I think it might be hormonal (and am trying to tackle it through diet and supplements). I stopped drinking tea and coffee again and after I'd got past feeling terrible for a couple of weeks that seems to have helped.
I do think just 'ageing' is playing on my mind - I'm aware my body isn't as strong as it used to be and my capacity to do 'things' is lessening and I think I'm just aware that I haven't done a lot of things that I wanted to do yet. Doesn't mean I won't ever do them but it is making me feel a bit dissatisfied, I think.
I think the lack of validation or being seen or heard is difficult for me. I do notice a big change in how I feel if I've spent the day with a friend compared to spending several days on my own. I think that will change over time; I do still overly focus on people who don't bother rather then people who do which I think is an old 'people pleaser' mindset that I just need to work on more. Plus the dating has raised some 'step-dad' issues but I am hopefully seeing the new T next week for the first time, plus my son will be seeing his neurologist so hopefully that will sort out some of his health issues that I've been worrying about.
I'm pondering, adjusting, trying to be real and trying not to be 'good'. We went shopping this afternoon, just a quick trip to get a few things we needed but it was nice to be in the sun and chatting to a few random strangers (I do find shop assistants often go out of their way to talk to my son which is lovely) but it was nice to just feel a bit free for a little while :) x
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:)
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:)
Thank you, G :) x
I watched a short piece on YouTube this morning about boredom, which seems to be an endlessly common them throughout my life. The only time I wasn't constantly bored was when I was at Uni. I think the chap is some sort of yogi master - flowing robes and long beard, but he described boredom as being a sign that you're not on the right path, you're not fulfilling yourself or your potential. He talked about life being a constantly evolving process and about how human beings are designed to constantly change and grow and if we don't we become stuck, bored and dissatisfied. He talked about how we need to keep learning and pushing into new things.
It rang a bell with me and I've been thinking as the morning has gone on that I still really struggle with my feelings. I don't mean in the sense of emotions so much (although I struggle with that too) but in terms of what actually makes me feel good. It occured to me that I've spent so much of my life creating personalities to inhabit that I still don't really know what makes me feel good. I have images in my head of what I think will make me feel good and I endlessly write lists of things I ought to do in order to make me feel good. Then I blame not feeling good on either the list being wrong, or someone doing something that made everything go wrong, or not doing enough of the things on the list.
When I look back over my life I can see silent child, never speaking, never interacting. Then I can see primary school Tup, shy, quiet, bookish and even then reaching out to the kids that no-one liked and spending play times with two girls that were bullied a lot (one was from a traveller family and very overweight, the other was from a large, very religious and very poor single parent family; both were singled out and bullied constantly. Then I discovered that I could make people laugh and became the class clown, lost interest in school work, became very conscious of fitting in and being liked (and faced many, many rejections from groups of kids who just didn't want me in their clique).
Then came the drinking and sleeping around, still a young teenager at this stage, very closed off from reality but pretending I had lots of friends. Then drugs and that was a whole new level of getting out of it and random sexual encounters.
Then some bolt of lightening took me back to college and I became very bookish again, didn't care about my appearance, spent all my time reading and in the library (which I loved, I hasten to add).
Then tried for middle class grown up after graduating, fell pregnant due to old 'get drunk and shag anything' Tup resurfacing again and then as a single parent tried to be trendy mum, joining in with the middle classes mum, earth mother, career mother, single on benefits and I don't care mum, then forced into falsely accused of abuse and now struggling to cope with a disabled child mum. And since all of that happened with my boy I've tried to be perfect mum, don't let anyone in mum, keep away from the authorities mum. I've gone through spiritual phases, it's all about money phases, why bother let's have a drink phases and some quite puritianical kinds of phases as well. No wonder I'm so exhausted all the time.
So I need to work on what pushes my buttons and feels good. I went to the theatre last night with my friend and my son. That felt good. I loved being out, I loved being able to get dressed up, the show was amazing. This morning I watched some performance poetry on YouTube and my heart literally did flip flops so that is definitely something I need to get more into.
That's as far as I got. Sorry it's a bit rambly, just wanted to write it down here before it starts floating out of my head again.
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I think it needed to come out, Tupp.
All of it.
Lighter
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I think it needed to come out, Tupp.
All of it.
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter! I think you're right - and I think there's more to come!
I think I've been quite passive in my life and that much of what I've had to do has come from coping with situations that aren't ones that I have created (at least not consciously). I've put a lot of energy into dealing with my life but not much at all into creating the life that I really want. Partly, I think, because I've struggled to know what I really want and maybe as well because of not feeling good enough to want/ask for it? I think I over complicate things a lot as well, so I often fall quite quickly when I'm trying to 'do' something because I think I just give myself too much or too many things to do and it's not attainable (or at least not quickly enough for me to keep my momentum up) I've really struggled with making friends and having good people in my life but I'm starting to think that is because I meet people as a result of my circumstances rather than as a result of my interests or hobbies.
So - I want to be fitter and more healthy. I am pretty healthy anyway (which is amazing considering the muck I used to put through my system when I was younger) but I had a health check with the doctor recently and everything is good. I've started doing an exercise DVD at home and once I feel a bit more confident about doing that I think I might see if I can find a group I can join, maybe a weekly thing where people work out together. I'll look into that some more.
I've found some forums for people who write poetry and for story tellers, and another one for keen photographers. These are things that I love and would love to learn more about and do more myself. I've not quite had the courage to join the forums yet! It's on my being brave list for the weekend. I feel that I have nothing to offer but I realise the only way I can change that is to jump in, learn as much as I can and get on with it.
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Still rambling! Went out with my son this afternoon to a club we used to go to before he got ill so we saw people we hadn't seen for ages and it was lovely but my anxiety levels were up through the roof. I really want to tackle this as I do think anxiety stops me doing a lot of things because it makes me feel so rotten. Have got appointment with new T next week so might make anxiety top of the list of things to deal with.
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I think for these things to bring any happiness, Tupp (and they're all great)...is to put intensity behind hushing that extremely critical inner voice you have.
I mean really do battle with it, including speaking with authority out loud, "STOP" the moment you detect a thought mumbling "you're no good, don't deserve, won't do it perfectly, people will criticize...blah blah blah...."
Every time you hear those nasty self-hating, self-sabotaging thoughts or they swim to your awareness, actually say out loud (and MEAN IT): "STOP!"
It's a method of re-training your unconscious self-sabotage. Bringing it right up and smacking it down.
It's terribly awkward at first. You might feel thoughts/emotions/sensations collide as you do it. But then it becomes easier, calmer, and part of a natural dialogue with yourself that is so much more productive and so much more compassionate. I still do it to this day when I start a self-undermining monologue. When I put intensity into it, it works.
Some people who use this method wear a fat rubber band (elastic) around their wrist and the moment they catch the unwanted behavior (in this case, an inner mean/underminding comment from your internalized self-hating critic) -- they snap the band! A momentary physical sting, while aloud you say STOP!, can be really helpful. (After some months when the new habit is well ingrained, you might ditch the elastic.)
Worth a try you think?
hugs
Hops
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I think for these things to bring any happiness, Tupp (and they're all great)...is to put intensity behind hushing that extremely critical inner voice you have.
I mean really do battle with it, including speaking with authority out loud, "STOP" the moment you detect a thought mumbling "you're no good, don't deserve, won't do it perfectly, people will criticize...blah blah blah...."
Every time you hear those nasty self-hating, self-sabotaging thoughts or they swim to your awareness, actually say out loud (and MEAN IT): "STOP!"
It's a method of re-training your unconscious self-sabotage. Bringing it right up and smacking it down.
It's terribly awkward at first. You might feel thoughts/emotions/sensations collide as you do it. But then it becomes easier, calmer, and part of a natural dialogue with yourself that is so much more productive and so much more compassionate. I still do it to this day when I start a self-undermining monologue. When I put intensity into it, it works.
Some people who use this method wear a fat rubber band (elastic) around their wrist and the moment they catch the unwanted behavior (in this case, an inner mean/underminding comment from your internalized self-hating critic) -- they snap the band! A momentary physical sting, while aloud you say STOP!, can be really helpful. (After some months when the new habit is well ingrained, you might ditch the elastic.)
Worth a try you think?
hugs
Hops
Definitely worth trying, Hopsie, thank you, I like the elastic band idea. I'd heard of people using it to stop smoking but not for something like this so I will definitely give it a go. It's blooming hard work,isn't it, all this trying to sort yourself out stuff!! Thank you xx
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One of the harder things I can think of, Tupps, is changing the well-trodden paths of how we think-feel-do. All those habits and routines.
Practice is the only thing I know to make progress and - eventually - succeed in making a change like that. Practice is the word I use, because when you're a beginner even practice is fraught with some mistakes, forgetfulness, etc. That's automatically forgiven - because you're a beginner. NO RISK.
More practice, new things get easier. More practice, new things start to feel "normal" and part of "you". More practice and it's automatically what you do without thinking about it.
Reminders, like the stop & rubber band, help some too.
[yes... I'm explaining this all to myself again, too. I need the reminder of how this works.]
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One of the harder things I can think of, Tupps, is changing the well-trodden paths of how we think-feel-do. All those habits and routines.
Practice is the only thing I know to make progress and - eventually - succeed in making a change like that. Practice is the word I use, because when you're a beginner even practice is fraught with some mistakes, forgetfulness, etc. That's automatically forgiven - because you're a beginner. NO RISK.
More practice, new things get easier. More practice, new things start to feel "normal" and part of "you". More practice and it's automatically what you do without thinking about it.
Reminders, like the stop & rubber band, help some too.
[yes... I'm explaining this all to myself again, too. I need the reminder of how this works.]
Yes it's definitely practise, Skep, and trying new things out and finding that some of them don't work, I think, and that not being the end of the world? That's something I find hard to do but am/will keep trying, and trying to change the way I think. Sometimes I don't even realise I'm thinking something, it's there and only later on do I realise I was being very negative or pessimistic. Practise, practise, practise :) x
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Every time you hear those nasty self-hating, self-sabotaging thoughts or they swim to your awareness, actually say out loud (and MEAN IT): "STOP!"
I have those kinds of thoughts about myself AND occasionally nasty thoughts about others. Strange how I have far more nasty thoughts about myself than others! I heard someone suggest this solution, "Get another thought". So my approach lately has been to remind myself to get another thought. I, also, think it's critical to think in present future, not present past and see myself becoming, overcoming & living whole and well.
Hi Grits,
Yes, that's very true. I remember talking to a therapist once that I felt I was thinking in triplicate - I'd have the old, negative, critical thought, then realise I was doing it and have a thought about not doing it, then a third thought to try and change it to something more positive. It's hard work, especially when you're getting on with your day to day stuff and trying to juggle many things, as most of us do. I am trying to be more positive and active in my thinking but I find that much easier when I'm alone and I think that's where I'm a bit stuck at the minute; I want to connect to the real world more but I find it disrupts my bubble!
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Law Of Attraction - I have struggled with this for years.
I first read about positive thinking and the power of the mind type stuff when I was pregnant with my son and struggling with depression (and my mother!). I remember being horrified when I realised how much of what I talked about was gossip or critical, nasty comments about people. I was equally horrified when I realised that, if I didn't indulge in gossip or nasty comments about people with my mother, then we had absolutely nothing to talk about.
I have frequently and repeatedly read yet another book about asking the Universe for what you want and it being delivered in your lap, and have read story after story of people achieving great successes and huge wealth because they practised this regularly. But I never really seemed to get the hang of it and I often seemed to attract bad luck rather than good, even when trying really hard to be upbeat and positive.
I've also struggled to understand how bad things happen when you're not thinking about them or even aware they are possible (as the Law of Attraction theory is that you pull every experience to you with your thoughts and vibrations). Why is it babies are neglected and starved, or children bombed, young girls married off to old men, so many awful things that you hear about. They wouldn't be aware enough to think about that, so I've never really understood. Equally things that have happened to me - a social worker fabricating a case against me, for example - I'd never have dreamed that sort of thing went on so I've never really been able to understand how I drew that experience to me.
Anyway - I have been trying really, really hard to stop the negative thoughts and to concentrate on feeling thankful for what I have and to try and stop my mind from wandering into the dark places it sometimes goes to. Apart from the fact the sun is shining today (which is very lovely), we went to the library and the librarian gave me a book - to keep - free of charge - because I'm a good customer. And when I got home I had an email from a lady who I know very casually who heard me saying that I'd had to cancel our plans to go away because our van has cost so much to do up that I can't really afford it - and not only has she offered me her holiday home, free of charge, but it's only half an hour away from where my friends live! So now it's looking like we can go off looking at colleges for my son for a few days and then go and have a lovely relaxing break near my friends.
All in all it's been a very nice day!
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Wow. What an extraordinary gift from that woman...Tupp, that is just FANTASTIC. (Leaping cartwheels for you.) What a joyful thing to read. A gift from life.
...more cartwheels...
About the Law of Attraction--I'm not a fan because it confuses people about how to improve their lives. See what you think of this summary: http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction).
Or, google "why the law of attraction is bullshit" if you want to see a lot of writing about it from the critical side.
The key thing is its confusing mix of beneficial and toxic. It hurts people in the end, although parts of it are also parts of healing and sane practices. Hard to sort out. Better, imn-ho, to simplify. Find a ritual for compassion and self-love, and keep at it. Find 3-D groups/activities that feel meaningful or happy and lift you up.
Dream less and do more. (Preaching to self...)
hugs
Hops
PS--You cannot "fail" at following the "Law of Attraction" because it's not a law. It's a setup. And that would be your inner critical voice scolding you for not "doing it right" -- right? Snap! STOP! :)
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Wow. What an extraordinary gift from that woman...Tupp, that is just FANTASTIC. (Leaping cartwheels for you.) What a joyful thing to read. A gift from life.
...more cartwheels...
About the Law of Attraction--I'm not a fan because it confuses people about how to improve their lives. See what you think of this summary: http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction).
Or, google "why the law of attraction is bullshit" if you want to see a lot of writing about it from the critical side.
The key thing is its confusing mix of beneficial and toxic. It hurts people in the end, although parts of it are also parts of healing and sane practices. Hard to sort out. Better, imn-ho, to simplify. Find a ritual for compassion and self-love, and keep at it. Find 3-D groups/activities that feel meaningful or happy and lift you up.
Dream less and do more. (Preaching to self...)
hugs
Hops
PS--You cannot "fail" at following the "Law of Attraction" because it's not a law. It's a setup. And that would be your inner critical voice scolding you for not "doing it right" -- right? Snap! STOP! :)
Lol, snap taken, Hops, thank you for the info, will read up tomorrow, I do find it a bit baffling :)
Yes that is such a lovely thing from that lady, what a kind and generous offer and what a stroke of luck as well. And further good news ..........first session with new T tonight and she is lovely :) Friendly, welcoming, right balance (for me) of her talking and me talking, no b***shit, felt very comfortable with her and the way she works. Could have happily stayed another hour. She did that nice motherly rub on the shoulder thing when I left as well which I love; my first T did that and I honestly think it might have been the first time in my life I'd experienced physical affection that wasn't loaded with something less pleasant. Very soothing and comforting. What a very good day :)
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Just read the summary, yes, that is exactly why I've struggled! If it doesn't work it's because you didn't think about it in the right way or subconsciously you don't want what you think you do want. How funny, I never thought of looking up negatives about it, I assumed it was me doing it wrong. Just off to snap myself again :) x
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Just reflecting on this topic some more... not sure it would really help anyone but me, to sort out the tangle in my head about it... but I'm studying the mechanics of how this works in myself...
the friend who told me it sounded like I needed validation - confirmation of my own wants, ideas, value, etc - is an "expert" in some things, admittedly hopeless in others. But he is one of those guys who either by luck, discipline or training are "usually right" when they make a pronouncement. And he is an amazing parent to his adopted children (who have backgrounds that would put them all inside our Amazon fire ring.
I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
Then, I ran across an essay talking about the necessity of military leaders to be able to make a decision in a critical life/death situation - and recognizing that they were at a decision point in the first place. (Yeah, yeah Hops... I have no idea why I think in military terms, maybe a past life?? LOL.) There were some really useful ideas in there, that go directly to the issue of "trusting one's self", having confidence in your own judgement, and how one makes decisions. Let's face it - we've all had our expressions of those aspects of our healthy selves squashed, stepped on, and even humiliated and that's a psyche/heart wound that needs a specific remedy to heal.
One thing the author talks about is "chasing the unicorn" -- delaying making a decision, until you've exhausted all possible sources of research and information. In battle, leaders simply can't do that -- even if their decisions (and the lives of the people they're leading) DO rely on having timely, accurate information. This is where we often turn to people called "experts" for their take on a situation, too; instead of simply listening for that small voice that is our wise-self. It's got to be linked to perfectionism, fear of making mistakes, ultimately fear of becoming that old toxic target of invalidation and abuse... which lives on in our psyches as the "inner critic", and that voice that heaps recriminations, blame & shame, and humiliation on ourselves.
Maybe the fears are lizard brain level and take precedence over the higher processing centers, demanding for guarantees that a clear picture of the future result of the decision is "safe" and will be successful? And that keeps us churning through the ifs, the if-thens, and unknown unknowns... stuck. Maybe. Dunno.
I wonder (today, anyway) how many hours and days of my life I've spent in trying to accumulate ENOUGH, GOOD ENOUGH information to make a decision? Instead of simply ASKING myself - what do you want to do? - and then waiting for that answer to swim up to consciousness. How many times have I asked my friends - and people whose opinion I respect (read: experts) - to critique the decisions I'm trying to make and giving me their "Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval" for it, before I can even think about getting my butt in gear on it?
And what effect (if any), what message am I sending to that original psyche/heart wound that said what I think, feel, and want is foolish or of no consequence when I go seeking that stamp of approval?
I'm giving that a real good hard look these days. It was a function in my life that Mike filled -- he and I would run through all those thoughts, ifs, etc -- and identifying the worst that could happen and also the potential benefits -- and when/where decisions could adapted, edited, changed or even negated if things didn't turn out as we'd hoped. And unlike my toxic relationships... Mike always threw the final decision to me, saying he was just along for the ride - LOL. It is also one of the things I feel the loss of, the most, too.
He could do all that, and then immediately throw me into a spontaneous activity just long enough... just to break the obsessive trance I get into over this crap, too. So, I am in the process of trying to learn to do that for/to myself.
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Wow, Amber.
Thank you for the "chasing the unicorn" insight.
And your last two paras really affect me. Both for your loss, and because that is a good description of the biggest lack in my life. Having a partner interested in my life would help me become interested in it/hopeful about it again too.
hugs
Hops
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Wow, there is alot of stuff that triggers issues for me here too! I usually talk more about experiences than Book recommendations, but here is a list that might be helpful.
I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
For this problem, try Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul PHD.
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010299&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+bonding
I have frequently and repeatedly read yet another book about asking the Universe for what you want and it being delivered in your lap, and have read story after story of people achieving great successes and huge wealth because they practised this regularly. But I never really seemed to get the hang of it and I often seemed to attract bad luck rather than good, even when trying really hard to be upbeat and positive.
I've also struggled to understand how bad things happen when you're not thinking about them or even aware they are possible (as the Law of Attraction theory is that you pull every experience to you with your thoughts and vibrations). Why is it babies are neglected and starved, or children bombed, young girls married off to old men, so many awful things that you hear about. They wouldn't be aware enough to think about that, so I've never really understood. Equally things that have happened to me - a social worker fabricating a case against me, for example - I'd never have dreamed that sort of thing went on so I've never really been able to understand how I drew that experience to me.
Check out what Esther Hicks says about "contrast" and "desire's remorse" at their website, it might answer the questions for you.
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/fulltextsearch.php
Also, check out Living with Joy - they have a chapter about how when things start working well, somethings will not work well, and it has to do with people having to evolve from old self to new self to get to the next level. Not sure exactly which chapter or pages, but check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Joy-Personal-Spiritual-Transformation/dp/1932073515/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010501&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+joy
About nasty thought towards myself or others, I dont have an answer or suggestion for that one just yet, but working on it myself.
Peace to all here at the board - so much turmoil in our country these days, its imperative that we are here for each other with help, support and kindness.
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Tupp,
I really like Mark Manson on The Secret and the "Law..." fwiw.
https://markmanson.net/the-secret (https://markmanson.net/the-secret)
Hugs
Hops
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Tupp,
I really like Mark Manson on The Secret and the "Law..." fwiw.
https://markmanson.net/the-secret (https://markmanson.net/the-secret)
Hugs
Hops
Ha, that made me laugh, Hops, he's said the things that I've wondered and then I've told myself off for allowing myself to doubt and be negative. I think life is all about grey areas and changing boundaries, isn't it? Surrounding yourself with critical people isn't good but at the same time you do need people to point out the flaws in your plan or sometimes just to tell you you're being an arse and need to wind it in a bit (they are the best kind of friends, I think, the ones that love you but can tell you when you're being an idiot).
I've complained a lot about not having many friends and having friends that have let me down and haven't made any effort to keep in touch. But I have realised more recently that I have sort of outgrown them anyway, even though it was really painful and I felt rejected. It's more the feeling of being wanted that I've missed rather than the individual people themselves I think. That's one of the things I spent loads of time throwing up to the Universe and saying over and over that I had lots of friends and they all really cared about me. It just isn't true, but I have got a small number of friends who really do care and I do focus on them a lot more now and I'm very grateful for them.
I do remember a therapist I saw about CBT years ago who used an analogy that I found useful when it comes to positive thinking. She said if you stand in a garden with your eyes shut and keep repeating 'There are no weeds' it just stops you seeing them, it doesn't stop them growing. The point being the gardening will be more enjoyable if you go about it in a positive mindset but whatever happens you still need to pull the weeds up.
I'll have to have a look through the rest of his site, it looks interesting. Thank you for posting it up :) x
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Just reflecting on this topic some more... not sure it would really help anyone but me, to sort out the tangle in my head about it... but I'm studying the mechanics of how this works in myself...
the friend who told me it sounded like I needed validation - confirmation of my own wants, ideas, value, etc - is an "expert" in some things, admittedly hopeless in others. But he is one of those guys who either by luck, discipline or training are "usually right" when they make a pronouncement. And he is an amazing parent to his adopted children (who have backgrounds that would put them all inside our Amazon fire ring.
I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
Then, I ran across an essay talking about the necessity of military leaders to be able to make a decision in a critical life/death situation - and recognizing that they were at a decision point in the first place. (Yeah, yeah Hops... I have no idea why I think in military terms, maybe a past life?? LOL.) There were some really useful ideas in there, that go directly to the issue of "trusting one's self", having confidence in your own judgement, and how one makes decisions. Let's face it - we've all had our expressions of those aspects of our healthy selves squashed, stepped on, and even humiliated and that's a psyche/heart wound that needs a specific remedy to heal.
One thing the author talks about is "chasing the unicorn" -- delaying making a decision, until you've exhausted all possible sources of research and information. In battle, leaders simply can't do that -- even if their decisions (and the lives of the people they're leading) DO rely on having timely, accurate information. This is where we often turn to people called "experts" for their take on a situation, too; instead of simply listening for that small voice that is our wise-self. It's got to be linked to perfectionism, fear of making mistakes, ultimately fear of becoming that old toxic target of invalidation and abuse... which lives on in our psyches as the "inner critic", and that voice that heaps recriminations, blame & shame, and humiliation on ourselves.
Maybe the fears are lizard brain level and take precedence over the higher processing centers, demanding for guarantees that a clear picture of the future result of the decision is "safe" and will be successful? And that keeps us churning through the ifs, the if-thens, and unknown unknowns... stuck. Maybe. Dunno.
I wonder (today, anyway) how many hours and days of my life I've spent in trying to accumulate ENOUGH, GOOD ENOUGH information to make a decision? Instead of simply ASKING myself - what do you want to do? - and then waiting for that answer to swim up to consciousness. How many times have I asked my friends - and people whose opinion I respect (read: experts) - to critique the decisions I'm trying to make and giving me their "Good Housekeeping Stamp of Approval" for it, before I can even think about getting my butt in gear on it?
And what effect (if any), what message am I sending to that original psyche/heart wound that said what I think, feel, and want is foolish or of no consequence when I go seeking that stamp of approval?
I'm giving that a real good hard look these days. It was a function in my life that Mike filled -- he and I would run through all those thoughts, ifs, etc -- and identifying the worst that could happen and also the potential benefits -- and when/where decisions could adapted, edited, changed or even negated if things didn't turn out as we'd hoped. And unlike my toxic relationships... Mike always threw the final decision to me, saying he was just along for the ride - LOL. It is also one of the things I feel the loss of, the most, too.
He could do all that, and then immediately throw me into a spontaneous activity just long enough... just to break the obsessive trance I get into over this crap, too. So, I am in the process of trying to learn to do that for/to myself.
I can really relate to a lot of that, Skep, particularly with regard to needing to be validated, needing permission to go ahead and do something. With me I think two other things come into play as well, needing to be good but not too good (mustn't be better than others and make them feel insecure, inferior, less than me) and I think as well I have a sense of avoiding taking responsibility for my own decisions. If so and so said that's what I should do and it goes wrong then it's partly so and so's fault. Equally if it goes well than I can credit it to them, rather than myself, avoiding being 'too good'.
I am getting better at thinking about what I want to do rather than waiting for permission. I think my son has really helped me in that regard; I've had a lot of flack over the years about decisions I've made regarding him but as he's getting older I can see they were the right decisions, and they were often made against the advice of professionals (who I lost trust in early on) and I can see now that I was right to do the things that I did. And that was mostly instinct and just being 'mum' and, I suppose, just wanting what was best for him. It sounds like Mike helped you in a similar way? x
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Wow, there is alot of stuff that triggers issues for me here too! I usually talk more about experiences than Book recommendations, but here is a list that might be helpful.
I think those of us who've been extremely invalidated - or were routinely invalidated for a long time - tend to LOOK FOR (seeking) that "expert" who can provide the validation we need; at a deeper level - it's the parental connection fix, too. Mirroring. When a child is learning something for the first time - there is always a lot of checking with mom or dad - is this right? Am I doing it right? And they want to hear the clapping, the "good job!!", and "Look at you, big girl"... type of approval and encouragement to continue "practicing". The: "Go on, you can do it".
When we're becoming whole beings again, there is a stage where we struggle to figure out how to validate ourselves. When I look at my lists, why is it I'm always seeing what is LEFT to do and never how many things I've already crossed off? How did my eyes and brain get trained that way? That's kind of an easy one to see the mechanics of how we keep ourselves trapped in that old habit... and also how to change it. Instead of a "to-do" list... we'll just title that sucker: "Here's what I've already done" list. When everything on the list is crossed off...do I take a minute to enjoy the satisfaction of that? How? Does that even matter? OR... is that still such a taboo from the old toxic past that it feels really weird doing? As if bad things will happen because we patted ourselves on the back? (We already know where that reflex emotion comes from... but it doesn't apply in the "now", does it?)
For this problem, try Inner Bonding by Margaret Paul PHD.
https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Bonding-Becoming-Loving-Adult/dp/0062507109/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010299&sr=8-1&keywords=inner+bonding
I have frequently and repeatedly read yet another book about asking the Universe for what you want and it being delivered in your lap, and have read story after story of people achieving great successes and huge wealth because they practised this regularly. But I never really seemed to get the hang of it and I often seemed to attract bad luck rather than good, even when trying really hard to be upbeat and positive.
I've also struggled to understand how bad things happen when you're not thinking about them or even aware they are possible (as the Law of Attraction theory is that you pull every experience to you with your thoughts and vibrations). Why is it babies are neglected and starved, or children bombed, young girls married off to old men, so many awful things that you hear about. They wouldn't be aware enough to think about that, so I've never really understood. Equally things that have happened to me - a social worker fabricating a case against me, for example - I'd never have dreamed that sort of thing went on so I've never really been able to understand how I drew that experience to me.
Check out what Esther Hicks says about "contrast" and "desire's remorse" at their website, it might answer the questions for you.
http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/fulltextsearch.php
Also, check out Living with Joy - they have a chapter about how when things start working well, somethings will not work well, and it has to do with people having to evolve from old self to new self to get to the next level. Not sure exactly which chapter or pages, but check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/Living-Joy-Personal-Spiritual-Transformation/dp/1932073515/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1468010501&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+joy
About nasty thought towards myself or others, I dont have an answer or suggestion for that one just yet, but working on it myself.
Peace to all here at the board - so much turmoil in our country these days, its imperative that we are here for each other with help, support and kindness.
Thank you for the reading recommendations, Ales, have bookmarked to look up later on, always good to have other perspectives and new things to ponder :) x
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:D Thanks, I hope it is helpful to you. Post your thoughts or questions later.
I have had trouble with LOA myself, one thing that took me awhile for me to understand is that positive thinking does make not negativity go away or that we attract less, it just gives us a more resilient and focused mind to deal with it.
For me, what has been difficult, is that some Negative people (capital N as in Narcissist! lol!) are not rational and not inclined to be positive towards you no matter what your attitude or work ethic or acceptance or cooperation with them. They seek to be superior, resist cooperation and destroy at will, for pleasure (ok, maybe those are the psychopaths). Point is, LOA assumes all people are essentially good, while not acknowledging that people can be ill-intentioned from the beginning, without us "attracting" it. Second problem with LOA is the faulty idea that when we "get healed" all these people go away or we stop "attracting them" - they don't go away, we just have the ability to deal with them, spot them, avoid them etc.
Good luck to all on the board.
In a week of tragedy, on all sides this week, seems silly to complain about Narcissists, but irony is that the very people who disturb the peace, kill others and can't cooperate with others are probably the same people who commit these crimes.
All the best in love, prosperity, peace, good health and safety to all on the board!
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:D Thanks, I hope it is helpful to you. Post your thoughts or questions later.
I have had trouble with LOA myself, one thing that took me awhile for me to understand is that positive thinking does make not negativity go away or that we attract less, it just gives us a more resilient and focused mind to deal with it.
For me, what has been difficult, is that some Negative people (capital N as in Narcissist! lol!) are not rational and not inclined to be positive towards you no matter what your attitude or work ethic or acceptance or cooperation with them. They seek to be superior, resist cooperation and destroy at will, for pleasure (ok, maybe those are the psychopaths). Point is, LOA assumes all people are essentially good, while not acknowledging that people can be ill-intentioned from the beginning, without us "attracting" it. Second problem with LOA is the faulty idea that when we "get healed" all these people go away or we stop "attracting them" - they don't go away, we just have the ability to deal with them, spot them, avoid them etc.
Good luck to all on the board.
In a week of tragedy, on all sides this week, seems silly to complain about Narcissists, but irony is that the very people who disturb the peace, kill others and can't cooperate with others are probably the same people who commit these crimes.
All the best in love, prosperity, peace, good health and safety to all on the board!
Yes Ales I do understand what you are saying here. I suppose we all need a belief system of some kind and something to hang our hat on when we're trying to deal with problems. And personally I'm the sort of person that feels better doing something about a problem, even if it is only trying to change the way I think about it, it makes me feel more in control (my need to control coming through again!). I think it's all about balance and perhaps having a range of tools that you can use as necessary, without having to subscribe completely to one thing and thinking it will cure all. I do find positive thinking helps but as you say, sometimes the people you are dealing with just don't play by the same rules as everyone else and I think years of abuse, whichever form it takes, changes the wiring in your brain (or makes it form in a different way in the first place) and I've found that very hard to cope with as my baseline of 'normal' was very different to most people's for a very long time.
Will check out the books, thanks again x
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Friend told me to take my ten year old camera out with me. I did. Can't say the pics are national geographic worthy but I have enjoyed sharing them with others who are not able to see this area themselves. Sort of like playing tourist in my own town.
How are the poetry, photography, writing forums going?
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Friend told me to take my ten year old camera out with me. I did. Can't say the pics are national geographic worthy but I have enjoyed sharing them with others who are not able to see this area themselves. Sort of like playing tourist in my own town.
How are the poetry, photography, writing forums going?
I love going out with a camera, G, I find it focuses my mind on the small things in front of me and I walk about looking for something to take shots of instead of my mind wandering and doing it's negative stuff! We're doing road safety at the moment (myself and my boy) so our project this afternoon is to take lots of pictures around town of different kinds of traffic, obstacles on pavements, safe and unsafe places to cross, that sort of thing, and I'm quite excited about it! Lol :)
I am just reading on the forums at the minute; I'm finding them very useful with lots of tips and handy info and I've read a couple of people's poems and I do think I have written a couple of bits that are of similar quality so it is helping to boost my confidence a bit. I'm trying to spend a bit of time each day working on/learning about poetry, story writing and photography; they're all things that I enjoy and I do like focusing on a skill or a hobby rather than 'world issues' which seem to dominate most other platforms on the internet (all anyone can talk or write about here is the referendum and I just want to ignore it now!). But yes, the forums are good, a new place for me to start casting my eye around in, just trying to get myself out of my rut.
There are some great pics on Ello, I don't know if you know it, G? It's a social media site but focuses on creativity rather thqn chatter
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Second session with new T tonight. She uses a technique called LifeSpan - don't know if it's around in the States (or called the same thing) but it's a way of attaching new emotions to old memories so that triggers don't cause as many problems. In essence, you imagine a scenario in your mind where you 'rescue' your younger self from the trauma that is happening, or you focus on a good memory in a certain period and that becomes your anchor so you feel good things rather than bad when something from that era is triggered.
We've not started on it properly yet, just had a little practise tonight so that I could get an idea of what it's like. She asked me for my earliest memory, which is age 3, peeling stickers off of new shoes. Age four was my favourite pair of flares and age five was sitting on my dad's lap driving his car down the drive. They were happy memories, which surprised me, because looking backwards is generally always negative for me. But her suggestion is you go with the first one that comes to mind for that age group (you try to find one for every year of your life) and my immediate ones were happy ones and I did leave feel a lot more content than I did when I got there! I'm not sure how it works when you have a bad memory and go in to rescue yourself from it but I'm feeling positive about it and looking forward to going back next week :)
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Hi Tupp:
You're working on you! So deserved.
This is as good a spot to post this link about Brain Spotting, which I've just learned about, and have just started to research..... it's similar to EMDR, but different... much more open model.
http://www.ask.com/youtube?q=brainspotting+therapists&v=lm3Plvaf3UE&qsrc=472
You may have to copy and paste the above link.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Congrats to starting with new T: )
(((Tupp)))
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
You're working on you! So deserved.
This is as good a spot to post this link about Brain Spotting, which I've just learned about, and have just started to research..... it's similar to EMDR, but different... much more open model.
http://www.ask.com/youtube?q=brainspotting+therapists&v=lm3Plvaf3UE&qsrc=472
You may have to copy and paste the above link.
This makes a lot of sense to me. Congrats to starting with new T: )
(((Tupp)))
Lighter
Hi Lighter, thank you for the link! Will read through a bit later.
Yes, I like this T, I have a good feeling about her. She's a bit older than me, which I like, seems very nurturing and caring (which I also like), gets on with things, has told me straight that the sessions are about me, not her so I'm to tell her if I'm not happy/comfortable/don't want to do something and I'm not to worry about her at all (this was after I told her that my people pleasing traits have sometimes meant therapy didn't go as well for me as it could have done in the past).
I do feel that the sexual abuse is my 'thing' at the moment; did feel able to talk about it relatively easily (which I've never been able to before). She was quite direct on my behalf, which I liked, made it very clear that what happened was appalling and was serious and that I've been let down by a lot of people who should have helped, which is nice to hear from someone else even though I knew it already. All in all I am feeling this is a good move and that she can help me get to my next stage!
How is everything going with you? xx
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Tupp:
DD15 is happily nested in new Boarding School.... she knows some girls there, so she's very happy to have that support and familiar community. She's invested in sisterhood and supporting other young women while asking for support. It's lovely to watch her blossom. She's smiling all the time, and using her voice, TUPP!
I sent a care package today..... books, magazines, book light, work out shoes, calendar and planner. A watch. She's really on a good path, and the Brain Spotting is one of the things that her T is using. He's wonderful, and it seemed like every word from him was dead on, and overtly helpful. He has 30 years experience in this work..... I feel so blessed.
I'm going back to school in the fall, and have lots of research to do before that happens. I feel very content bustling about in the house on my own.... not lonely at all. Very.... content.
Glad you're happy with your T.... you deserve to finish up the past, put a bow on it and move ahead.
These are your days, Tupp: )
Lighter
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Tupp:
DD15 is happily nested in new Boarding School.... she knows some girls there, so she's very happy to have that support and familiar community. She's invested in sisterhood and supporting other young women while asking for support. It's lovely to watch her blossom. She's smiling all the time, and using her voice, TUPP!
I sent a care package today..... books, magazines, book light, work out shoes, calendar and planner. A watch. She's really on a good path, and the Brain Spotting is one of the things that her T is using. He's wonderful, and it seemed like every word from him was dead on, and overtly helpful. He has 30 years experience in this work..... I feel so blessed.
I'm going back to school in the fall, and have lots of research to do before that happens. I feel very content bustling about in the house on my own.... not lonely at all. Very.... content.
Glad you're happy with your T.... you deserve to finish up the past, put a bow on it and move ahead.
These are your days, Tupp: )
Lighter
Aw she sounds as if she's having a great time, Lighter, what amazing news! Glad that you are happy pottering at home, I do enjoy a bit of a potter myself these days, particularly at weekends, it's quite nice just to catch up on jobs and spend a bit of time reading and not doing too much. What are you going to be doing when you go back to school?
Yes, she seems like a good T, I think perhaps once you've been working on yourself for a while good T's are harder to find? I think my needs have changed and become more specific? When I first started just someone letting me speak would have been amazing, I think I was very lucky that my first ever T happened to be amazing and that I found her pretty much by accident.
She's asked me to write up one memory from each year of my life for us to work on. The focus is very much on how the memories make you feel. So for example I can remember a pair of flares when I was four, my favourite trousers and I just loved them, and just thinking about them now makes me smile. There's a little girl that lives on our road who loves clothes and is always wearing her mum and big sister's stuff and she's always so chuffed with what she's got on, she stands in the garden so she can show everyone as they leave for work in the morning which shoes she's got on. So cute.
But there are huge gaps! Years where I really can't think of a single thing I can remember And then lots of other memories where I know something happened but it feels like it happened to someone else, there's no feeling or emotion attached to it at all, or even a sense of reality. It's like something I read in a book. So it will be interesting to see how we handle those bits. I'm a bit scared of more stuff coming back. I know what he did, but I don't think I want to recall it in technicolour. Will be interesting to see what happens.
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I'm working out regularly now (and enjoying it) and have made some improvements to my diet. Do feel fitter and more toned.
My son is doing well health wise at the moment and that makes life sooooo much easier so that is really good.
It has finally stopped raining and we have some proper sunshine! The difference good weather makes to me is so huge that I think I need to give serious thought to moving to a warmer/sunnier country at some point.
I am consciously reaching out to the (small) group of friends I have who are very dear to me and making the effort to arrange seeing them over the summer break. I am also 'consciously' arranging/planning a small birthday celebration that will involve only those people I really want to see and not 'everyone who might know about it that I will just invite so they don't feel slighted that they haven't been asked'. Although I know this is the right (and perfectly acceptable) thing to do I am struggling with it but keep reminding myself that I do not have to be all things to all people and that it is only right that I should spend time with people I enjoy spending time with, not with people I don't particularly want to see. Difficult but I am doing it (and will let you know how it pans out!).
Work on the van is slow and I am discovering that most of the jobs that have been done by other people (prior to my buying it) have been done badly so each job I do is leading to another ten needing to be done. I am enjoying it (although I do find it frustrating at times), I'm learning a lot and it is very heart warming to be making connections with local businesses who are going out of their way to give me help and advice when I go in to buy the bits I need. I am starting to feel comfortable in builder's merchants and auto part shops which is quite a funny feeling. We are getting there but it's taking a lot longer than I though and is costing a lot more money, but hopefully we will eventually have a really lovely, comfortable, fully functioning home away from home that we can mooch about in to our hearts' content.
I am really struggling with being around people in general, and particularly with regard to internet dating. I find I get bored very quickly and I really do not connect with many people's conversations that centre around television, smart phones, which deal they got on whatever it is they just purchased and how many take aways they've had this week. I'm struggling to find places, whether in the real world or online, where I feel comfortable with people and enjoy their company rather than finding it hard work. I think this is more down to me than it is to them but I'm not quite sure how to tackle it, but am hoping that 'recognising' it will take me a step closer.
Internet dating in particular is bothering me; men in their forties whose conversation revolves around football, sex and television is something I'm finding quite depressing so I think I'm going to lay off that for a while until my head is in a slightly more upbeat frame of mind.
Financially things are a bit tight but we're managing okay and as it is mostly to do with unexpected costs to do with the van things are slowly levelling out.
Generally things are going well; I am still finding the lack of people difficult but I'm working on it :)
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I've watched this YouTube clip a couple of times:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6sC4GK93_4
It's about coping with loneliness, which is something I really struggle with.
It's quite complex and I don't completely understand it but it is ringing some bells with me. He's generally saying that we blame our unhappiness on a lack of things - lack of friends/family/partner in this case. And he says that the 'lack' makes us feel that we aren't good enough/likeable etc which is why there is a lack.
That is very, very true of me. He then goes on to talk about people simply not fitting with other people, rather than there being something wrong with them and gives lots of examples of situations where people don't fit in with the people around them. He makes the point that that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it just means you don't fit that particular situation.
He also talks about how we focus on what people think of us (needed a picture of Tup to illustrate that point ;) ) and how we create anxiety by concentrating on trying to impress people and make them like us instead of just 'being present'.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this; there's a lot that I don't understand and I want to watch it several more times but something about it is speaking to me.
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Counselling session tonight was amazing. She took me back to my first memory of being abused, which we had talked about a bit last week.
She asked me to imagine how I would react if I witnessed that event now, what I would say and do and how I would handle it as an adult seeing a child being abused. I said my first reaction would be to remove young Tup from the situation immediately and that my second would be to lay into my step-dad and give him his marching orders. Then I started to say that I didn't really know what I would say to my mum because she doesn't work on the same wave length as everybody else so trying to get her to understand that what she'd just witnessed was wrong would be difficult as she just doesn't think that way.
She stopped me at that point and pointed out that my first instinct in that scenario was to protect my mum and to explain to other people what her inabilities were and to try to get others to treat her differently. She said a usual response would be to protect the child, not the adult. And it just suddenly seemed so clear; thirty years on, even in a counselling situation that is all about me, my first thought is to protect her and justify the things that happened. It was a real revelation.
Then she starts with the visualising so we spent some time deep breathing and relaxing and then she asked me to watch the incident in my mind, which I did. Then she asked me to go in as my adult self and remove my young self and my younger sister (who was present at the time) to a place of safety, which I did. She then asked me to talk to young Tup and ask her what she wanted me to do about what had just happened and then to go and do it, so I tore a strip off of him and threw him out and then had a right go at my mum as well.
I was crying buckets by this time; it was so strong and the sensation, although imaginary, of someone getting angry on young Tup's behalf, putting her first, making sure she was safe, asking her opinion (never happened when I was a kid! Not once) and then acting on it, everything being entirely in her best interests, no excuses, no half measures. It was incredibly strong and exhilarating. I feel exhausted now! But I'm actually looking forward to going back and working on the next bit!
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((((((Tupp)))))
I literally got chills when I read this account of how real, how trusting, and how brave you are.
Plus, I LOVE your new counselor!
I'm so excited for you that you have intersected with her at the right time, when you are truly ready to do this kind of deep healing.
Oh BRAVO. Just dizzy-glad, deep inside, for you...
love,
Hops
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Amazing work, Tupp. Your T sounds amazing, and it's fulfilling to read about your process, and progress.
The sea change in outcomes you created for yourself. The shift from protecting your mother to protecting young Tupp, and of course you protect your little sister too. It was so satisfying to read. I could feel empowerment and strength in your post.
(((Tupp and little sister)))
BTW, I started to write an update on this thread for you, but I keep getting sidetracked. Apologies my friend. I'm also trying to avoid jinxing the settlement agreement (allegedly) in the works. I'll believe it when I see it.
Education for me is in the healthcare field, but every plan I make is dependent on the legal stuff. You know how the toxic N's operate... they say one thing, get you leaning in that direction, then do the opposite.
::shrug::
I'm resigned to whatever happens...a settlement or another forced trial. Either way I'll make peace with the outcome, and know there are pros and cons to each.
My girls are doing fine. I love DD15's new T..... truly, I do.
Lighter
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Hops and Grits, thank you so much, yes, she is a good fit, I really like her and feel very comfortable with her. She's direct and to the point which I really appreciate and find easy to work with. I have felt quite tired all week but I do feel a little bit less restricted in myself? I can't quite explain it but one example, for years now, ever since I was a kid, I've always had a list and the things I need to do are always timed in some way. More than one therapist has said it's a control thing and it helps make me feel safe but it's not something I've been able to drop successfully (and I stopped trying because I don't think it's a terribly damaging thing to be a little bit OCD about writing things down). This week I've just not felt the need to do it so much; I've jotted things down so that I don't forget them (shopping, for example), but I haven't felt the same need to structure the day and include everything I need and want to do in a list somewhere. Might just be coincidence but I am hoping it's a sign of things to come :)
Lighter, I will keep things crossed that a settlement is reached. I don't doubt that you can cope with another trial if you have to but it would be lovely if you didn't need to :) Healthcare sounds like an amazing field to step into; I've always found the best practitioners are the ones who have been through very, very tough times and have found ways to improve their health through their need to cope with a huge amount so I don't doubt that would be an amazing thing for you to develop!
Glad that the girls are doing so well :) My boy is exceeding expectations at the moment and walking a little bit further each day. He's showing improvements in thinking for himself as well which is something we all like to be able to do, lol.
Keeping fingers crossed that future paths are smoother for you all :)
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Sigh... ((((Big & Little Tupps))))...
Yup. That is a significant exercise to go through with your Self. There is treasure there. And closure... a type of letting go. And there is also a shift in relationship with your Self.
This is all really huge and really good. Results aren't seen in a drastic sudden change in your life, though. It's little things that will accumulate and grow over time, as you get to know "you" from this new place.
Oh, and the internet dating thing? I heard something in your description. A whisper of trying to force yourself into fitting into some pre-defined set norms... that generally go by "shoulds". There's probably some "wants" in there too. Sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. We humans are allowed to "wing" it with that kind of stuff and make it up as we go along. ;)
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Sigh... ((((Big & Little Tupps))))...
Yup. That is a significant exercise to go through with your Self. There is treasure there. And closure... a type of letting go. And there is also a shift in relationship with your Self.
This is all really huge and really good. Results aren't seen in a drastic sudden change in your life, though. It's little things that will accumulate and grow over time, as you get to know "you" from this new place.
Oh, and the internet dating thing? I heard something in your description. A whisper of trying to force yourself into fitting into some pre-defined set norms... that generally go by "shoulds". There's probably some "wants" in there too. Sometimes it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. We humans are allowed to "wing" it with that kind of stuff and make it up as we go along. ;)
I've abandoned the internet dating, Skep, because I've realised it doesn't 'fit' me, lol.
It has really helped me to work out what I want in a man, because that's a question I've struggled to answer over the years, probably due to spending so little time doing what I want rather than what other people want. But the kind of guy I like is someone I would best describe as a 'hippy'. Not the dope smoking, living in a commune sixties type hippy but someone who is loving, compassionate, self aware, who prefers to be outdoors rather than indoors, someone a little bit different and outside the system and who is more interested in people than stuff. I've not come across anyone like that internet dating, lol, so I'm just focusing my attention on doing more of the outdoors, off the wall stuff that I like to do in the hope that someone like me turns up! :)
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Tupp:
Meeting someone will likely happen when you least expect it in a way that you couldn't see coming, IME.
If you embrace your passions, maybe join some groups who DO things you love to do..... who knows? Maybe your chances of increasing the odds for making like minded friends will surprise you.... in a good way; )
It might feel good to research the groups and activities in the area you plan to move to...... just to get a feel for possibilities, and what's available?
It's always good to read that your son is doing so well: )
Light
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Tupp:
Meeting someone will likely happen when you least expect it in a way that you couldn't see coming, IME.
If you embrace your passions, maybe join some groups who DO things you love to do..... who knows? Maybe your chances of increasing the odds for making like minded friends will surprise you.... in a good way; )
It might feel good to research the groups and activities in the area you plan to move to...... just to get a feel for possibilities, and what's available?
It's always good to read that your son is doing so well: )
Light
Yes I think you're right, Lighter, I'm really not even seeing profiles online that make me think someone might be good to get to know, I do think meeting people in 'real world' situations would be good for me, not just romantically but from a friendship point of view as well (or even just having some good company for a couple of hours, it doesn't even need to be more than that). I do feel a change of direction is needed. Slowly swinging into action!
I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do. I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do. So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.
Felt a bit out of sorts over the weekend so ended up having a big de-clutter/re-organise/clean the house session. Still a bit higgledy piggledy but slowly getting there and I have re-arranged things so that things of one type are all in the same place instead of being scattered through various rooms. Also realised that for the first time for a very long time the level of care my son needs has reduced, as have the demands on my time with legal things, false allegations, complaints and so on. I do feel that the last ten years or so has really just been about coping, I've not really felt there's been time to do anything else. But I've just about got to the point now where I feel we can do school/son related stuff in the morning, I can do work/boring but necessary stuff in the afternoon and then we can have the evenings free to do whatever we fancy. It's been a very long time since there's been a possibility of doing anything other than just grafting and getting through another day so it feels really nice.
With that in mind, and as part of my 'blitz the house' mission, I've pulled all my craft and unfinished project stuff together so that I can sit down in the evenings and do something creative/relaxing which will also make a nice change :)
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Second session this evening and it was really hard. I couldn't latch on to any memories; she was asking me to go back and see myself as a little girl and to take in all the detail and I realised, after a lot of trying, that I have absolutely no idea what I looked like as a child. There's just nothing there.
We tried going back to the memory that worked so well last week but I kept losing it and just couldn't keep it all in my mind. The session was long and frustrating. Driving home I had the most intense flashback of being raped; literally just a split second but for a moment it was so real again. And for some reason something smacked me right in the face : I'm living across the road from them. What the F am I doing? I suddenly can't believe I even contemplated moving here in the first place. I feel like someone has suddenly pulled me out of four decades of fog and fuzzy thinking.
Feel exhausted, shocked, angry and sad at the same time. Fortunately had prepared a nice meal before I went out so that is in the oven; I have a film to watch, my pyjamas are on, my son is upstairs and will be going to bed soon and I suddenly feel like I am seeing clearly for the first time in my life.
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::Patting Tupp's hand over tea::
I'm so sorry this is painful. It means you're doing HUGE work though, and getting the heck of the FOG has got to be better than being mired in it, IMO.
You're comforting yourself, and that's a relief to read. Sometimes dawning our PJs, and tucking into comfort food with a movie is a moral imperative, IME. Honestly.
::nodding::
It is.
I didn't know what exactly happened to you in regard to your SF, Tupp. I guess you didn't want to know either.
That rat bastard....
he's a sick twisted pervert, and it wasn't your fault.... the police shouldn't put statues of limitations on murder or child sexual abuse.
It's wrong to silence your ability to get justice.
::shaking head::
The truth is if I had to choose between healing or justice maybe I'd choose healing... for you or for myself. I just want you to get him out of your heart, your head, your skin and your PRESENT moments so you can get on with your life.
I want the work you're doing with this T to lead to more joy, more opportunities, more exploration of things you feel passionately about.
More freedom.
This is progress.
I guess we have to identify the muck we're stuck in so we can crawl ourselves out of the darned stuff, huh.
::sitting next to Tupp watching movie::
I'm so sorry my friend, (((Tupp))).
You deserved to be safe, and loved, not preyed on and harmed.
Lighter
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(((((((((Tupp))))))))))))
Imo, what you are doing is magnificent.
Magnificent.
love,
Hops
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I did realise today that I need to start reaching out a bit to people that I would like to get to know better instead of sitting and waiting to be picked, which is what I usually do. I think it's a combination of perhaps not feeling good enough (as in, they won't want to know me); not having to risk being rejected and perhaps just not being used to going after what I want but feeling I ought to sit and wait for someone else to decide what I ought to do. So that's my next mission to try and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit.
uh.... are you my long-lost twin sister? LOL. I can so relate to this; it could be describing me. I'm years into trying to figure this out now and frankly the effort just seems a little much these days, for very little reward.
As for the re-living experience... yes; sometimes that happens. Actual time-duration may be quite short but for material to work with - treasure - to get past it and start changing old reflexes... there is a LOT there. Be patient with "blank" times during sessions. There is a reason we've nailed the doors to those rooms shut, boarded them up, hung garlic in front of them and then duct-taped the whole thing before shoving that wardrobe in front of it. For me, it was easier to slip through the cracks - and slide into the memories - alone, than it was in session. I am that private despite all the blathering I do. As time wore on and I was able to describe those things in session, I did start to trust enough where I could go into those memory-spaces with my T.
Sounds like you're doing great work here... and in my experience, there are plenty of men of that description to be found in the outdoors - guiding hikes and raft/canoe trips... wildflower excursions... birdwatching... herb collecting... one must study the creatures in their natural environment and learn their habits (in my best Attenborough voice) while not startling them into fleeing.
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Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you what it means to have this amazing place to come to, in good times and bad! I treasure your advice, support and friendship and I can't put into words how much it helps. Thank you to Dr G for making this possible, too.
I'm fine. Had a bit of a rocky couple of days but I took it easy and I'm fine. We went into town yesterday to our favourite cafe for breakfast, then walked past the shops in the sunshine and went to our favourite secondhand book shop (I love second hand books!). It never fails to make me smile because as you walk in the door there is a life size mannequin of Riff Raff (from the Rocky Horror Show) and as the door opens he says "Hello! And may I say, you look fabulous this evening"; it just makes me laugh every time. There are literally thousands of books, it snakes along tiny corridors through this higgledy piggeldy building with shelves running floor to ceiling and then books in piles in boxes and on the floor, too. It's family run and they always know exactly what they've got; anything you ask they know where to look for it and whether or not they've got it. There's a tiny little children's section that's crammed with any kind of book you can think of and as we got there we found two mums and a dad, each with a little one scooched on their lap reading story books. It was so lovely to see.
Anyway, back to the unpleasant stuff! I just want to write it down while it's fresh in my mind. Please feel free to skip past this as it might be triggering for some - sorry.
I've always felt that I've been raped but never had any actual memory of it (nothing visual). A few years back I went through several months of physical flashbacks - feeling of being pinned down, smothered, sharp, stabbing pains in my genitals, being terrified I was going to die. That went on for several months - didn't seem to have been triggered by anything in particular and seemed to stop of its own accord as well. But never anything in my mind. There are more minor things that I remember clearly and sort of fuzzy fragments - I can see him in the doorway of my bedroom, hear his footsteps on the landing and smell him so vividly, but then my bedroom itself is in a sort of fog and I get a vague feeling of terror and then everything goes again.
In a funny way I feel a sense of relief. If I really was raped then an awful lot of other things suddenly make more sense. I'm not sure I can put that into words properly at the moment, as it still feels quite jumbled up, but I feel a sense of relief that I've 'seen' something rather than feeling scared of it. I'm not sure why, understanding will come at some point, I expect. For some reason I've always felt that if I was raped that I was meek and compliant in it, but this flashback was very violent, not at all what I assumed had happened. I was also younger than I thought - again, I'd always assumed I was sixteen, for some reason, but in this I was 13. I can't explain how I know that as it was such a quick picture and then it was gone again but it suddenly felt like pieces in a puzzle jumped into the right places and things started to make sense.
I couldn't see what I looked like at all as a child during that last session but I can see my ten year old self quite clearly now, for some reason. I have got some pictures of myself at around fifteen that I usually avoid looking at but I think over the weekend I will find some quiet time to take them out and perhaps use them almost like a project to write something about. That feels a bit safer. I spoke to my younger sister; I didn't tell her what's going on but instead said I'd been showing my son pictures of him when he was younger to show him how much he's changed and that I'd like to show him pictures of us as kids and she has got some so we'll look at those next time we get together and that might help a bit. I just feel I'd like a sense of seeing that poor little girl. I feel like I want to scoop her up in my arms and nuzzle her down in my shoulder and kick the living bejesus out of anyone that comes near her with anything other than love in their heart.
On a more practical note I have contacted several people that I would like to see over the summer in order to arrange getting together (being proactive). My birthday is coming up so I'm going to arrange a nice day out with my son. I'm working out most days, eating reasonably well and my son is going through a really good spell at the moment so all of these things are good.
Lighter, just to say I totally agree with what you said about justice versus healing. For some reason I've never wanted either of them punished or to avenge myself (except in moments of anger) but I just wanted to get on with my life and be happy. I do feel that I am getting there all the time.
Thank you again so much everybody for all of your kind words and thoughts. It really means so much to me and gives me hope and comfort. I am very blessed to have such special friends :) x
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I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds. Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.
Lighter
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I think littleTupp will begin feeling heard, safe and protected as your journey unfolds. Please keep sending updates..... reading about your self care rituals feels very light and hopeful to me.
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter :) I think the self care shows that you are moving forward, don't you think? There was a long period of time where I would damage myself to distract from what was going on instead of looking after myself so I think it sort of ties in with learning to mother yourself and feeling you deserve to be looked after? I do find it easier now than I used to; I have overdosed on the biscuits, I must admit, but I've eaten proper meals as well, got some some sunshine, worked out each morning and stocked up on fruit so it wasn't too bad a binge! :)
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I do think consistent self care rituals speaks to your belief about being worthy or not, Tupp.
I also think that practice is necessary to get new coping strategies in place... and it doesn't happen over night. It goes in spits and spats, and it's difficult to resist old more destructive habits when those were our GO TO habits for so many years.
We begin very well, then BAM! Stress hits, and the new patterns can go right out the window very easily, until we've done that often enough we recognize it, and resist or make better choices. We do that until the new habits feel more comfortable, and at some point, if we're lucky, they become habit and what becomes habit becomes pleasure, IME.
It's a process, and requires diligence as well...... sometimes we get comfortable, and it FEELS like we can handle anything, but that's not entirely true, IME.
There are phases and patterns to these things, but having a schedule that feels right is a good thing. KNOWING you'll work out at X time every X days, and keeping that can provide a general framework for everything in your life.... doing laundry, cooking, meal planning and shopping for same.
Sometimes when we drop the workout schedule, or any new habit we're working on, we might notice that everything goes a bit whonkey, and it;'s interesting for me to note that I'm not always going to feel OK, or great about keeping that new habit in place without fail. Sometimes keeping on a schedule means I have to drop into bed without performing other very comfortable rituals, but I remind myself that that's just every once in a while, and I should keep that NEW habit I'm trying to perform, even if it's at the expense of some self care rituals I have down pat, kwim?
I'm either ON or I'm going to fail, I find. Same with very healthy eating habits. I'm either ON or I'm not, and knowing that means I KNOW I have to do certain things faithfully, or just not begin till I'm committed in order to avoid negative patterns, or feeling badly about.
If it comes down to me making deals with myself, say... about gluten, then I'm not in the proper head space to make a change, IME.
At this point I do a little dairy, and maybe a bit of sugar every once in a while but I'm ZERO gluten without fail or having to think about it.
I can live that way right now, and maybe I'll go strictly ZERO dairy and sugar (reading every label and being impeccable with choices) but right now I'm under a lot of stress, and I know I'll just make myself feel bad if I try to do more than I can manage, then FAIL.
We pick our battles, lay out future goals, and set goals we can attain in this moment in order to stay facing forward, IME.
We forgive ourselves when we regress, and we're gentle and kind when we find ourselves facing the wrong direction. We do this bc being kind and gently talking ourselves in the other direction will get us where we need to be more quickly, IME, and keep us heading in that direction, IME.
The old unkind voices in our heads are the ones that turn us facing backwards, and it takes a while to identify them, figure out what and who they are, and you're doing that right now.
You're doing work on several levels which is difficult at best..... I have to put lists up in my bathroom and have them as touchstones and reminders as I begin and go through my days. They help bring me back to the path I want to be on. They help get me off old familiar paths I don't want to be on anymore.
Hops would say it's shifting into observer mode, and she's right. It IS that.... and it's also learning how to shift without self recrimination or blame or feeling we've failed. Again.
We shift, forgive and begin again until we've formed new habits, pathways in our brains, and new supporting framework around them on many levels, IME.
Sometimes the NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO or REPLACE THE OLD WITH is part of the problem, but there;s the I'M NOT WORTHY piece and the I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING THIS OTHER OLD PATTERN THING or DOING DOING DOING the old things that took me out of discomfort short term but now are creating problems for me in and of themselves.....
all need to be identified, addressed, hashed out and built upon or replaced entirely.
I heard a T say last week.... "All you need to do is change everything." He was joking about addicts making changes, but he was also very serious about how it feels and what IT IS to change negative coping strategies for anyone.
Also, about every member of a family being involved in any pattern....
"Everyone is guilty, and it's no one's fault."
I liked that one, though I'm still tossing it around in my head.
((((Tupp)))))
Lighter
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Yes, habits are interesting, aren't they, and I definitely find my 'go to' now is sugar. Getting back on top of things again, it was only for a few days but it does give me that same numb buzz that booze used to (not as strongly, obviously, but it just dampens things down a bit).
I've focused on two lists; things I need to do and things I want to do. That's kept me on the straight and narrow a bit; I've done what's necessary day to day and then feel okay about doing something just because I fancy it. I do feel pretty wrung out and nervy at the moment. My son had a really bad day at the weekend and was fitting for twelve hours straight. I had to call the paramedics, who were amazing, but there wasn't a need for him to go to hospital as he was responsive which was good. Situations like that really highlight how alone I am; as I was dealing with that situation I'm also running through in my head what I need to do if we have to go to hospital, getting someone to feed the cat, pick us up later (or get a taxi), take some food, drink and clothes with us, etc. It highlights how much I have to do by myself and that makes me feel very isolated. He's okay now, though. It was interesting because I have realised that there have been several times when I've been working on myself and his health takes a real nose-dive, which is often the reason I abandon what I'm doing. Funny coincidence.
Have got counselling tonight and I'm interested to see how it goes; I have got a better feeling than I did last week so I'm hoping I can 'see' a bit more than I was able to before. I have a feeling I'm going to sleep very well afterwards for some reason!
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I am officially in love with this therapist :)
We talked about how hard I found it to do anything at the last session and the flashback afterwards, and about the wobbly week I've had since. She feels young Tup might be too scared and unable to trust that we're trying to help her and that we need to work very slowly and not to rush things. We've talked through loads of other ways of doing 'inner child' work - through painting, drawing, speaking (into a recording device), writing letters, even through music. We've talked lots through and talked a lot about reassuring, comforting, feeling safe and so on. I just kept feeling the anxiety lifting and came out feeling energised and eager to work, whereas I went in feeling exhausted and scared. She really seems to work very intuitively and is willing to work in different ways which I'm finding very helpful. I do feel tired but in a way that makes me think I'll enjoy a good night's sleep, not the way that makes you feel like you want to crawl under the duvet. It was a good session and I'm eager to get on with some of the things she suggested :)
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I'm in love with your T too, Tupp!
I am so so so happy she is beside you.
Magnificent still feels like the right word to me.
love
Hops
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I'm in love with your T too, Tupp!
I am so so so happy she is beside you.
Magnificent still feels like the right word to me.
love
Hops
Lol, we are all in love with her! I am trying to talk to little Tup, to comfort and reassure her that I want to help her to feel better. I've been trying today to just have a dialogue with her in my head, in the way that I would if I was looking after a scared teenager who doesn't understand what is happening to her. A funny thing occured to me; I realised that little Tup would have been very kind to my son and would have taken him under her wing if they had been in school together. She always used to play with the kids that no-one else would play with and I can see her and my boy having a good time together :)
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Just updating so I don't forget things as I go along!
I've spent today having an internal dialogue with little Tup (or teenage Tup, to be more specific), just as I've got on with what I'm doing and just as if someone had brought a teenage girl round to me today and said "she's had a rough time, can you have her at yours for a bit?". It's been really interesting, it brought home to me how no-one paid her the slightest bit of attention or even noticed she was alive. The thing that kept coming up is that she doesn't feel safe because my house is so close to the house I was abused in. I don't know why I haven't noticed how weird this is before. But anyway, that was the thing that kept coming up and I remember reading an article years ago about coping with that (irrational) fear that people can be left with after abuse, and one of the suggestions was that you set your rooms up so the door is always visible and has something hanging over it, the idea being that if you are aware that no-one can get in without you knowing you will feel safer. I've spent the afternoon re-arranging furniture and hanging mirrors and wind chimes up to make the house feel safer and funnily enough it's worked. It feels more comfortable and homely as well, so funny how something like that can make a difference.
I'm going to see an old school friend tomorrow, part of my pro active drive to spend time with people I like. Feel very tired but it's been a good day.
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Tupp:
It's lovely to read you've made your home feel safe, and you still adore your new T.
Yay! Yay!
Sorry about your son's bad day. and just when he seemed to be doing so well too.
I do think there's a correlation between taking time for yourself, and your son's rough patch. Our children have to change routines as they mature, and that job is harder than can be imagined.... for us to guide, and them to adjust, IME. Esp when we're living under water, under siege, and keeping our life focus narrowed down to survival and kiddos, IME.
((((Tupp and son)))
Keep posting updates. They're wonderful to read: )
Light
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Tupp:
It's lovely to read you've made your home feel safe, and you still adore your new T.
Yay! Yay!
Sorry about your son's bad day. and just when he seemed to be doing so well too.
I do think there's a correlation between taking time for yourself, and your son's rough patch. Our children have to change routines as they mature, and that job is harder than can be imagined.... for us to guide, and them to adjust, IME. Esp when we're living under water, under siege, and keeping our life focus narrowed down to survival and kiddos, IME.
((((Tupp and son)))
Keep posting updates. They're wonderful to read: )
Light
Lighter, thank you, and all of that makes a lot of sense :) The paramedics who came out were wonderful; one of them used to work with autistic teenagers and she said that the hormone surges in puberty can have a huge impact on neurological problems and exacerbate them hugely, which makes sense. It also means that hopefully this won't last forever! He's fine now, he managed the day out yesterday okay and we've got a reasonably quite few days coming up.
Yesterday was lovely; we caught up with an old school friend who has three lovely kids and then went to a wildlife park. We got lost on the way and ended up going through a couple of lovely little villages with free roaming horses just casually trotting about; one was in the pub garden looking like he wanted to nick someone's beer and another was trying to get in a shop, lol, they looked like they were having a nice day out. My son thought it was hilarious. I bought teenage Tup another windchime in the gift shop; very pink and girly and currently twinkling away by the front door :) I feel very tired today and she's very quiet so I'm not sure if those two things are related.
I'm going to ramble now, just because it helps me to get things out of my head! A bit unrelated to what's going on at the moment, really, but I feel better if I write it down :)
I've a friend who blows very hot and cold. She's a good friend and her home situation isn't easy so I don't mind the blowing hot and cold too much, although it has been bothering me more recently. It bothers me most because after she's ignored me for several months she seems to expect me to leap to attention when she contacts me! I've not heard from her for such a long time, probably at least a couple of months. I've left a few messages, sent the odd text but she does do this so I don't push it because I think it's just how she copes when things are difficult for her. However, she's popped up again and left a message on the answerphone yesterday. We didn't get home till fairly late so I didn't ring back. By 9 o'clock this morning she'd texted four times. I feel like I'm being pestered!
It's my birthday next week and about three weeks ago I contact six people to invite them for a birthday picnic, one of whom was her. No-one got back to me so I have arranged to do something else with my son. The reason she's calling now is to arrange dropping off my present. I know it's very nice of people to do presents but I'm kind of at that age now where I'm not really fussed about birthdays and I am worried about my boy at the minute so the whole birthday thing isn't really on my mind. I've said twice I don't mind, I'm not really in a birthday mood and she's welcome to pop round or post it, whatever's easier (I have said thanks for being kind enough to get a present as well, lol!). The next message is saying it's not really about the present, she wants to see us and wants to know when it's convenient. It's not really convenient; my boy's not well, I'm exhausted, I'm trying to look after young Tup (and I'm enjoying doing that actually, I sort of feel like I don't want anyone else butting in?). Again I've tried to explain politely that I can't really arrange things at the mo (my son's a bit up and down and obviously he's my priority so I don't want to have the pressure of knowing x is supposed to be coming over). And unfortunately that's what it feels like at the moment, pressure to do something. Had she just left the message and not contacted again I'd have got in touch over the weekend but I feel like I'm being pushed to someone else's timetable and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyway - just a ramble to get it all out of my head :)
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Wow... hearing you describe your work with little Tupp reminds me of lots of things, in my own work. I don't know if this kind of work has a specific name... or if there's a section in T-training where they focus on various ways to guide us through doing it (I always felt I was on a journey of discovery in a new land - myself - LOL). The T's that are pretty good at this are invaluable, I think. Even though we end up doing the "heavy lifting" - we couldn't do this without them.
In a lot of ways, I'm still working on this particular topic. Maybe I always will be.
I really think you're going in the right direction, and that lines up with the rest of your goals now. Little Tupp might be afraid of what you'll uncover, but for you -- this is going to be treasure. And you just need to reassure little Tupp you'll always love her and she can tell you anything; anything at all... and that even if you're angry with her sometimes... you're always going to love her... even if she's angry with you.
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Wow... hearing you describe your work with little Tupp reminds me of lots of things, in my own work. I don't know if this kind of work has a specific name... or if there's a section in T-training where they focus on various ways to guide us through doing it (I always felt I was on a journey of discovery in a new land - myself - LOL). The T's that are pretty good at this are invaluable, I think. Even though we end up doing the "heavy lifting" - we couldn't do this without them.
In a lot of ways, I'm still working on this particular topic. Maybe I always will be.
I really think you're going in the right direction, and that lines up with the rest of your goals now. Little Tupp might be afraid of what you'll uncover, but for you -- this is going to be treasure. And you just need to reassure little Tupp you'll always love her and she can tell you anything; anything at all... and that even if you're angry with her sometimes... you're always going to love her... even if she's angry with you.
I'm surprised at how much I'm enjoying it, Skep, it really is like you're discovering yourself and what you like and don't like. I think I've probably mentioned this before but years ago I read a book about growing up with an N parent and there were various exercises to try, one of which was to right down all your favourite things. It was a long list, favourite food, favourite colour, place to go on holiday, clothes, music and so on. I couldn't answer a single question, because I just had no idea what I liked. I could answer every single one for my mum, however. In fact I'm thinking I should probably go and have a look at that again soon to see what's changed :)
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I adored reading about the horses, Tupp.... and your son's joy in seeing them.
Your joy.
::nodding::
Being lost is typically fraught with stressful tunnel vision, IME, but you were able to SEE past it and smell the roses. How wonderful.
Lovely lovely lovely, and I'm all for keeping the friend at arms length when it feels right. At some point we stop allowing our boundaries to be trompled by others, esp when we do it out of habit/obligation/guilt/pressure to do so.
Just.....
take your SPACE.
It's yours, and you honestly don't have to have an excuse, IMO. just.... own it.
It's time I think.
::nodding::
The friend will likely benefit from the space left open by your absence, IME. Maybe she'll find some treasure herself.... grow, stretch herself?
It could happen
::nodding emphatically::
In the meantime, the energy you spend identifying negative patterns isn't really a loss if you learn from it, right? You're growing toward the light... you're moving toward serenity. It's all good.
::nodding::
I think that makes it easier to view your needy friend with compassion.
(((Tupp and son)))
Light
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I adored reading about the horses, Tupp.... and your son's joy in seeing them.
Your joy.
::nodding::
Being lost is typically fraught with stressful tunnel vision, IME, but you were able to SEE past it and smell the roses. How wonderful.
Lovely lovely lovely, and I'm all for keeping the friend at arms length when it feels right. At some point we stop allowing our boundaries to be trompled by others, esp when we do it out of habit/obligation/guilt/pressure to do so.
Just.....
take your SPACE.
It's yours, and you honestly don't have to have an excuse, IMO. just.... own it.
It's time I think.
::nodding::
The friend will likely benefit from the space left open by your absence, IME. Maybe she'll find some treasure herself.... grow, stretch herself?
It could happen
::nodding emphatically::
In the meantime, the energy you spend identifying negative patterns isn't really a loss if you learn from it, right? You're growing toward the light... you're moving toward serenity. It's all good.
::nodding::
I think that makes it easier to view your needy friend with compassion.
(((Tupp and son)))
Light
Yes that all makes sense, Lighter, and she's a very good friend in other ways so I don't want to not have her around at all, I just find I feel a bit put upon sometimes, perhaps more at the moment because a lot is going on for me - I feel a bit like I have two children to look after at the mo, lol, so perhaps there's just not space for another adult right now :)
The horses were great, it's that freedom, isn't it? It's their domain and they go where they like, you can't really argue with a horse! And it's lovely when you see people adjusting what they do to accommodate those animals. There's a mill pond near us and a big gaggle of very cheeky geese. There are often queues of traffic there because the geese just wander about on the road to visit the gardens opposite and people just sit there and wait for them to pass. I like it because a lot of people are in such a rush all the time and very full of their own importance so I do love the way that sometimes they just have to sit still and watch the scene unfold :)
We've had a nice day helping to paint our local community centre. I'm just doing a simple meal this evening, I've a film to watch and I'm going to paint my nails and finish off a little pot I'm making to hold a small candle which is going to go out by the front door; another little 'making Tup feel safe' thing that I'm enjoying :)
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Another update!
This week has been a bit of a funny one, I think that there has been a lot going on under the surface? Early in the week I had a very strong sense that young Tup just wanted to be dead and I didn't really know what to do in that situation. The week took on its own momentum and things feel more peaceful now so I think something has sort of shifted itself without my needing to do anything specific about it?
It was my birthday this week and I took my son to a safari park for the day. A friend met us there with her husband and son and it was such a lovely day out I really couldn't have hoped for anything more. Both the kids really enjoyed it and I am slowly finding it easier to focus on the good people in my life who are there for me and who I enjoy spending time with instead of the people who do odd or weird things and that I find difficult to be around. My son's doing better again at the minute which is really nice and life just seems calmer and more settled. The house is clean and tidy and I've been spending a bit of time on craft projects, which I really enjoy.
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Counselling last night and I am finding it tough going at the minute - tough to reconnect with my younger self and incredibly tough living where I do. There are memories and people I can't stand all around me, as well as the area itself just being very poorly resourced which means we have to travel a lot to do basic things.
Bumped into someone in the supermarket - someone I thought was a friend, years ago, but various things have happened over the years that showed me she wasn't. We chatted briefly but I came out wishing I hadn't seen her. Just reminded me of everything I don't like and don't want to have in my life.
We are going to move within the next three months. I can't begin to imagine having to spend another Christmas here. I have realised that I put a huge amount of energy into coping with being here. I'm so exhausted I just can't see the wood for the trees. So the move needs to happen. The downside will be we'll be too far away for me to see the therapist. Initially I had thought I would stay put until I'd finished my work with her but I feel living here is actually making it harder for me to do the work in the first place. There are still plenty of sessions before we go and I am learning lots of techniques with her that I can use after we move. I can find another therapist a bit further down the line if need be. I feel like a prisoner in my own house; there are just too many triggers wherever I go around here and too many people that I just don't want to see anymore.
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Whew.... so glad to read the move is happening before Christmas, Tupp.
Young Tupp, and son will have Mother Tupp moving through more relaxed space.... building new holiday rituals, and keeping cherished ones in place in new safe nest. Leaving old triggers, people, and place behind really sounds like a blessing to me.
About the T, can you keep her, even with phone sessions, until you find a new T after the move?
It might take some time, and finding the right T is uber important, IMO. I don't think phone sessions, with a trusted very wise T, are a bad thing.
(((Tupp and son)))
The journey continues: )
Lighter
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Hi Tupp,
If at any point the idea of a physical move seems too unsettling, could you trust this T to help you build a plan to get through the holidays in emotional safety?
I totally cheer your plan to get relocated, completely. But I also think that moving is so huge to the psyche that if you're making powerful progress with this T, it might be worth examining whether a sudden decision to move NOW might be an emotional impulse to ride out. I'm saying that because: 1) you've just gotten in touch with your inner adolescent's suicidal pain, 2) run into a person who houses bad memories, and 3) are increasingly aware of how toxic it feels to live exactly where you do. I think the latter is huge and valid, but I wonder if the decision to move now might be more an implusive reaction to the first two.
So...it might work out fine to move house before Christmas. But in case after the emotions change you question that decision, there might also be value in sticking it out a while longer so that you don't abort the work with your T. Or in moving instead to a different local place, to give yourself a full year with this T.
I would urge you to trust your strength and know that whether it's before-holiday or after, you do have the ability to continue your insight and growth, and make wise decisions that are stabilizing for you.
Don't misunderstand--I totally support your awareness that you need to wind up somewhere else. I'm only a little concerned about the timing. Partly to ask, is it about these very painful and naked feelings that are coming up in the T work? If that's so, is it possible the sudden decision to move immediately is what they call in AA a "geographical cure"? The reason I ask is that over the years, I've heard so many times that although of course you can move to be not across the street...perhaps in chucking it all for a different area entirely, just as you've started amazing work with an amazing T....the impulse to go NOW might be to escape from feeling, sitting with, being patient with, taking the risks about, and continuing the difficult and scary work of trusting another person (AND yourself) with that depth of intimacy. It's exhausting, draining, and overwhelming--this life-changing work. And the AA reference means, when you move geographically, you take yourself with you.
I think the INNER journey you've embarked on will ultimately change your life more than any geographical one. So I'm concerned about you tossing away that map so readily.
Love,
Hops
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Hops and Lighter, thank you, as always, for your responses. They mean a lot :)
Hopsie, I hear ya! There is an element of escaping from it to moving, always has been with me (I think it's the reason travelling has always held such an appeal for me). But there are also practical elements as well. I can't afford the therapy beyond the end of November anyway. We're on a relatively tight budget so the money for therapy comes out of the general household budget for groceries, utilities, fuel and so on. So it isn't something I can generally do long term (and she has very kindly given me a discount due to my circumstances as well). It's fine, I'm used to doing therapy this way and it's one of the reasons I try and do a lot of work on myself in between sessions (and I have to say this board is an invaluable source of therapy for me as well). But it isn't something I would be able to carry on with beyond the next two to three months. I could probably pick it up again next summer and do another few months then.
It's also difficult because of course my son's needs come into it all as well and I need to submit the funding application for his college place in six months time. We need to be living in the area the college is otherwise the funding becomes much more complicated and it will be harder to get because payments are made by your local authority. If I'm trying to get our local authority to pay for a college that's two hundred miles away it will cause all sorts of problems and delays so it's more likely to go smoothly if we are living in the area. I do feel really strongly at the moment that I have been really stupid in living this close to them. He's literally across the road. I see his truck most weeks. I feel like those people you see on hoarding programmes who say they didn't really notice the mess when they're living in houses they can't even walk through because the clutter is floor to ceiling?
There's time for another eight to ten sessions before Christmas, give or take a couple, so I sort of feel in terms of what I can cope with in one go that's going to be enough. I do feel I get to a point where I need a break from all the self examination and being raw and having things dragged out of me. And I do think that living somewhere where there is something else to focus on other than my family will be really good for me. I kind of feel like I'm going to go crazy if I keep living here indefinitely. Even forgetting about my family it is a ghastly place to live, lol, and if we hadn't been so skint and in such a crisis I'd never have moved here.
I do look back on the past and I can see times when if something didn't happen it turned out for the best. So I'm kind of thinking that if moving isn't the right thing now then it won't happen anyway. I can't really explain it.
I will keep posting and seeing how things go and, the good thing for us is that we rent which is much easier to change or not change depending on circumstances so in a practical way it's going to be easy to change plans if I need or want to. I do appreciate very much the input and support I get on here and people being kind and interested enough in me to point out things I might not be seeing (which can be a lot!) and I do thank you all very much :D
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Thinking more as the day's gone on, I am very aware that looking after young Tup and dealing with the feelings that come up from that is meaning my son's not getting the attention I want him to have so I feel that I have a lot of balls up in the air at the moment and that's making me feel quite tired.
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Tupp, I'm totally convinced by your narrative because it includes such practicality and a detailed plan. I'm sorry I threw you a curveball there...you DO need to get away from this incredibly toxic place. Which I suddenly got a novelistic sense of, the oppression of the proximity. UGH.
I do have faith you'll take your new strength and inner growth with you...and it will not stop.
Now I'm in it! Wish I could come help you pack.
Hugs
Hops
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Tupp, I'm totally convinced by your narrative because it includes such practicality and a detailed plan. I'm sorry I threw you a curveball there...you DO need to get away from this incredibly toxic place. Which I suddenly got a novelistic sense of, the oppression of the proximity. UGH.
I do have faith you'll take your new strength and inner growth with you...and it will not stop.
Now I'm in it! Wish I could come help you pack.
Hugs
H
Hops, absolutely no need to apologise, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the fact that there are people who listen to what I say, think about it and then take the time to point out possible problems in order to try and save me pain. It doesn't happen very frequently in my life so I am very grateful when it does. I hadn't even realised myself how toxic it is until just recently; now it seems so obvious I don't know how I hadn't realised before.
In truth, if it weren't for the timings re my son's college, or I had enough money to move from this particular place but still stay close enough to visit the T then I would do, but life being what it is that's not an option at this time. It all feels right, though, I can't quite explain it, but things feel as if they are moving in the right direction.
I have found the last couple of days difficult; Young Tup is angry, she doesn't trust me, she finds it hard to take my assurances that I am here for her now. I got angry with myself; I could have fought back, I could have run away, I could have screamed and shouted and made so much fuss that he never came near me again. But equally I can see what would have happened if I'd have done those things. So it's all in a flux but today feels better, calmer. I am writing poetry and that is helping me; it's not terribly pleasant to read but I'm getting feelings down on paper and, I don't know, really acknowledging things for the first time?
Anyway, it's all good and I massively appreciate your thoughts :) With regards to the packing, a long time ago now I posted on here about needing to buy more storage to organise my 'stuff', and you gave me some very good advice about getting rid of 'stuff' instead of finding more places to put it. I've followed that ever since so there isn't too much to pack now, which means you've already helped with the packing, lol. I can only say thank you - again! :)
Love Tup x
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Already helped with the packing... :lol:
Many many many many adolescents/teens abused in the same ways mistakenly believe they "could/should have fought back." When there's only ONE "should" in what happened and it has nothing to do with any Tup behavior at all and never will. He should not have abused and your Mum should not have enabled.
"Shoulda" is old blame-the-victim (I'll make up an acronym--BTV), which is internalized as shame-the-victim, and results in Adolescent Tup being wary of Grownup Tup (who does know BTV is armadillo shit yet can feel angry at herself...for not being a different Young Tup). BTV is merciless.
But you can't even blame yourself for BTV bouts, Tupp. It makes sense because in your inner work, you are stirring up stuff that will cause you to revisit some old feelings and thoughts. Don't despair...
I have retrograde thought/emotion patterns still and when I know I'm better about something, it doesn't mean the door has slammed shut and I'll never deal with it again. It just means life's a cycle or spiral and now and then another wave or ripple comes through.
It's like a kind of perfectionism. I know there are bad things I will never forget. I recognize improving health when my periods of thinking about them become: 1) shorter, and 2) further apart.
Right now you are dealing with all of your past for very very good reasons, so things won't be clean and tidy for a while. You are synthesizing a ton of healing, comforting and strengthening your inner child who will accompany you on your journey forward forever, and preparing for a physical/geographical move that will be the outward expression of your inward liberation.
It's big, sometimes messy stuff! And you're doing it magnificently.
Love,
Hops
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Thanks, Hops :)
I am trying just to 'feel' it and not to attach any right or wrong to it. I think that's one of the things that's difficult about some upbringings; you don't learn about feelings in a normal way because they're so intense and confused and messed up and there's no healthy dumping ground for them, you just have to bury them deep and try and get through it. It has been quite revealing to me because I am aware that my reactions to things can be childish at times and I think it's simply because I didn't get a chance to react to things when I was younger. A lot of it's still just sitting there, waiting to be aired, I suppose. My anger at myself is probably anger towards my mum and step-dad but still too scary to recognise, I guess? I think that's another reason for me wanting to move now; they are near enough that if I did erupt I can literally walk right round there and start kicking off and smashing their cars up. I think there is that underlying fear of losing control and being in close enough proximity to actually do something that I would, ultimately, regret.
I am trying to focus my mind more on positive things; I still find that self talk very naturally leans toward the negative and the critical, particularly in the mornings. Do keep catching myself and having to try and frame things differently in my mind.
On a more positive and practical note, I had a look online at the disabled sports facilities in the general area we are moving to. 25 pages of sports activities for disabled people, all accessible by bus :) Where we live now there isn't one single activity you can get to without a car. He's not been well enough to do sport for a while but I have to say the huge reduction in driving has been a massive relief for me. There's also only one of each activity where we live at the moment, so if one isn't suitable for whatever reason that's tough, there isn't another option. Living somewhere with a wide range of activities available - all subsidised so cheap and cheerful - that we can get to by bus just feels like heaven on a stick.
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I think there will be parts of the move, and living elsewhere that is heaven on a stick, Tupp.
The trick will be shifting into observer mode, and staying there so you can SEE yourself and your new situation without old fear, scripts, and habits sneaking in and scribbling all over it, IME.
It won't be easy, but you'll have this amazing freedom from the....
I get hooked up in posts to you every time I start to refer to your SF and M. Even the ignorant flying monkeys.
I see monsters doing egregiously harmful things TO you and your son, and doing those things while accusing YOU....
diabolical really.
The trademark of a truly disturbed person/people.... I can hardly type about it without becoming incensed... every time. How do you live so close to them, and remain level? These monsters in positions of trust, charged with your actual protection.... THE NERVE!
What they've done is diabolical, but I see them as blunt ignorant objects... not as people, and maybe that's where I go wrong. I lose sight of the fact they were likely victimized by monsters at some point. And damaged. They're damaged....
distance is just the thing for this, Tupp. Not figuring them out, but re filing them in your heart and mind, and leaving them far far far behind. Distance is just the thing, IME.
So.....
naming them.
I need something I can write and leave on the page, and let go by without distracting me that feels right enough, yet doesn't distract you or anyone else reading. Something I don't have to think about every time I write a post to you, and I write quite a few I don't send, so.... to just name them.
I look at your neighborhood from a distance, and I see monsters. Monsters who harmed you and your son, then turned around and accused you of victimizing them..... how could you live in that place so long, and do as well as you have?
::HUGE PATS on the back for Mother Bear Tupp::
That's where the majority of your energy has gone, and soon you're son will be heading to University, and there will be more time to heal yourself. You've worked so hard. You've identified destructive patterns, and coping strategies. There's the ground work. Facing the demons is how you back them down, unhook their wires into your brain, and dislodge them... right?
You're doing that, and at some point you're wiring in new people, places and uplifting things.... there will parts of the new place that's heaven on a stick, of course there will be.
::nodding::
I so look forward to that for you, even though it won't be automatic metamorphosis....
it will be safe space....
distance from the monsters.......
where you can build new things.
A new chosen family. A new career. A new T.
Honestly, just telling your authentic story without having monster fingerprints all over it... sullying it.... confusing it for the people you're telling it to.....
feels like a line from the Poem SHE LET GO.
The line I love best...
near the end.
"A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her."
Just THAT.... not having the monsters touch your story.... reframe in, corrupt it.
That will be a divine gift you give to yourself and your son, IME.
OK..... I'm going to write out the entire poem to close this post. Not because I think we should just let go, (Ahhh, pressure!) but bc I believe it's something we can do when we've done the work, and are ready. I look forward to that for us all.
SHE LET GO
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of judgements.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the right reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn't ask anyone for advice.
She didn't read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.
She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of all the planning and calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn't promise to let go.
She didn't journal about it.
She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement.
She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn't analyze whether she should let go.
She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn't utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn't good. It wasn't bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here's to giving ourselves the gift of letting go.....
there's only one guru - you.
I'm still not completely OK with using the lable "monsters" but it gets me to the end of a post much quickly. It works but it's not quite right either. It's the pretending they aren't dangerous monsters that's hooked me up, I think. If you talk about what they did/are likely still doing then the monsters give very large blow back, IME. The chaos manufacture begins, and nothing good comes of that, we've all been there.
It's the fact that we have to pretend they aren't dangerous criminals capable of doing terrible things.... of DOING terrible things to us..... it's the pretending.
When you get to your new neighborhood you'll be framing everything. Authentically. Selecting what you share, and how you share it. There won't be anyone there to sully it and take it from you, IMO.
It will finally be your story to tell, and your future to build, and your life without monsters looking over your shoulder, deciding what you can have, and what they can take from you.
IS monster the right label? Is there a better one? Maybe no words will ever feel OK?
Lighter
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Hi Lighter, and thank you :)
I love the poem :)
Words are hard, aren't they? I still find it hard to accept how bad the things they've done to me are. Perhaps that will change once I've moved. Perhaps there is still a need for protection from reality when we live this near each other? Oddly I have seen my step-dad every day after counselling for the last three weeks. That used to happen before when I'd talked about him at counselling; he'd drive past me on the way home or at some point the next day. Weird.
My T asked me to start listing things that my step-dad robbed me of by abusing me. We'd got to fifteen by the end of the session and I've carried on at home and I now have 44. It's a lot, Lighter, it's forty years of my life that he's had an incredibly negative and destructive effect on. I have found that hard to deal with. I've felt very angry, but also very sad and tired - sad of coping instead of enjoying, watching from the sidelines instead of playing centre stage, waiting for the scraps after everyone else has finished instead of sitting in the middle of the table and demanding the best dishes. Equally, I did write a list of the things I have accomplished despite what he did (and I did impress myself) and I've written a list of things I want to do with my life - and top of that is move, lol. I've got a date in my mind, one month before Christmas, so I've started counting down. We've got a holiday before that, when we'll look at colleges and the general area we'll be looking to move to, just to get an idea of where to look. This move can be temporary, though, if we just get to the right area, then we can worry about 'the best place to be'. There's plenty of time for that, I've got money saved and we've got our campervan to stay in should something hideous happen and we end up with nowhere (that did happen once before! Very scary). So things are moving forward, an inch at a time. My usual impatience means I would like them to move quicker but the time frame does mean I'm getting a lot done so the move should be as smooth as possible (bar unforeseen circumstances).
So - monsters. I think it's a good word. I always think 'animals' as well - the lack of social skills, the lack of empathy, the 'dog eat dog' mentality. But then I think of animals and their cute affectionate ways and their ability to love unconditionally and I think no, that's not fair on animals. It's hard to sum up in one word. But I think monsters is a good one to go with. How are things with you? xx
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Hi Lighter, and thank you :)
I love the poem :)
Words are hard, aren't they? I still find it hard to accept how bad the things they've done to me are. You''ll do that in your own time, Tupp. Perhaps that will change once I've moved. Perhaps there is still a need for protection from reality when we live this near each other? Honestly, I think you're spot on there..... there would be a need to keep emotional distance, from so many things, while living so close to the monsters, IMO. For so many reasons. Yes. Oddly I have seen my step-dad every day after counselling for the last three weeks. :shock: That used to happen before when I'd talked about him at counselling; he'd drive past me on the way home or at some point the next day. Weird. That is uber duper odd, IMO, Tupp. You're amazingly strong.
My T asked me to start listing things that my step-dad robbed me of by abusing me. Ack, the white hot color of anger over the idea of his TAKING from little Tupp, then helping your mother take more from you and your son. The bastard. The only way I know of to put that kind of anger out is to understand and you don't want to let them take anything else from you. To accept they're monsters, unable to do better, and know they never will.... they were doing their miserable best, such as it was. Don't allow them to take any more years away... not the way they have. We'd got to fifteen by the end of the session and I've carried on at home and I now have 44. It's a lot, Lighter, it's forty years of my life that he's had an incredibly negative and destructive effect on. I think it's enough, Tupp. I do. ::nodding:: I have found that hard to deal with. The alchemy of turning NEED.... need to understand, to make sense of, to receive justice, to punish, or to OWN some form of closure.... it eats up our attention and time if we don't find a way to deal with it finally and lay it down, IME. I can't say I've dealt with anything so serious as you, Tupp, but I know there's got to be an end to the taking taking taking from you if you want it badly enough. You're strong enough to do that, I believe it truly.
How to turn the need and hate and painful anger into.....
to turn it instead INTO acceptance.... it's like spinning hay into gold, and I can't say I have a lot of experience doing it, but I've done a bit of it, and the sense of relief is astonishing, IME. Just accepting.... radical acceptance as Hops says.... such a relief.
Not that the waves don't keep coming, bc they do, but there's hope in the finding some measure, any measure, of feeling better, IME. Finding better leads to more good things, and it's a matter of inching forward till we understand how much power we have. Why is it so hard to KNOW these things? How tragic to be held hostage by how others treated us in the past? It's all in the expectations, right? If we change our expectations, we have room for other things. Acceptance, Tupp. Realistic expectations free us up to focus on what's in front of us..... that's how it feels right now.
We spend so much time trying to feel better, IME. It can take all our time if we're not careful, and that's smacks more of living like an addict, not thriving.... if we aren't adding to out tool boxrd, and mindfully employing those tools...so hard to do when we're getting knocked off balance over and over again. I think distance will mean fewer waves for you and those waves will get weaker, and wield less power over you, I hope. I think it's possible. It's going to happen for you. You're working hard to achieve it, and bc you're striving you'll chase it, and find it, IMO. I've felt very angry, but also very sad and tired - sad of coping instead of enjoying, watching from the sidelines instead of playing centre stage, waiting for the scraps after everyone else has finished instead of sitting in the middle of the table and demanding the best dishes. I think you'll be able to take center stage, and ask for the finest dish, Tupp. When it happens it won't feeel like you think it will either. It'll feel like you're playing hooky and can suddenly take flight.... a flip of a switch, and a KNOWING that things are different bc you believe they are. Equally, I did write a list of the things I have accomplished despite what he did (and I did impress myself) and I've written a list of things I want to do with my life - and top of that is move, lol. I've got a date in my mind, one month before Christmas, so I've started counting down. ::marking calendar... Tupp's move:: We've got a holiday before that, when we'll look at colleges and the general area we'll be looking to move to, just to get an idea of where to look. This move can be temporary, though, if we just get to the right area, then we can worry about 'the best place to be'. So true. It doesn't have to be just the right place. I honestly believe you'll be in spot you need to be. That spot will have a purpose, and you'll discover why it was right, and maybe it leads to a better space you wouldn't have found otherwise. There's plenty of time for that, I've got money saved and we've got our campervan to stay in should something hideous happen and we end up with nowhere (that did happen once before! Very scary). So nice to have alll your bases covered, Tupp. You're pragmatic, and plan as best you can.... that's one of the reasons your son is doing so well, IMO.So things are moving forward, an inch at a time. My usual impatience means I would like them to move quicker but the time frame does mean I'm getting a lot done so the move should be as smooth as possible (bar unforeseen circumstances). It's amazing how much we can get done when a time frame is in place, huh?
So - monsters. I think it's a good word. I always think 'animals' as well - the lack of social skills, the lack of empathy, the 'dog eat dog' mentality. But then I think of animals and their cute affectionate ways and their ability to love unconditionally and I think no, that's not fair on animals. It's hard to sum up in one word. But I think monsters is as good as any, How are things with you? xx I think the word monster fits as well as any, and I'm happy not to think about it any more. Just let it be that, and keep moving towards safe harbor.
((((Tupp and Son)))
I'm doing OK. My oldest dd visits next week, and we're really connecting... she's connecting to youngest dd as well. So nice. My girls are so emotionally intelligent.... I didn't have that when I was their age... maybe I don't have it now, but I'm feeling blessed to grow alongside them without blame, or finger pointing. It's all about solutions, and finding better ways.
::nodding::
We're planning to have a bonfire/sleepover/apple dumpling baking/puzzle room solving/card playing reunion, and the house looks great, the back porch is covered in hanging candle fairy lights, and the firepit is beckoning.... I really am feeling blessed: )
Thanks for asking.
Lighter
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Tupp:
http://www.wisebrain.org/wisebrainbulletin/WBB10.4.pdf
I just finished the above, very timely, link.
Just......
wow.
Lighter
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Ditto that wow, Lighter--thank you for that link.
I'm signing up.
Sorry to hijack, Tupp...but I'm signing up for an intensive mindfulness group. It's led by friends of mine, includes other friends and neighbors of theirs. But the couple leading it are long-term meditators.
I told her that not only do I have ADD but the squirrel in my head does too, but I'm still looking forward to what I can learn from it.
thanks again
Hops
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Head is whizzing. Will reply properly later on (have read through but mind is befuddled and struggling to put feelings into words). Hops, never a need for hijacking threads :)
But a quick question for you -
We want to move, as you know. Moving brings it's own set of stresses and problems, as you know. I'm very tired and long for some time to recharge my batteries (as I expect most of us do).
I have been offered a shortish term house sitting 'opportunity'. Very out of the blue and very unexpected. Approximately 3 months, in the absolute middle of nowhere, looking after someone's land and their animals whilst they are elsewhere. No pay, but also no rent. So, pros and cons:
Pros: We could leave here more quickly and easily, and be able to put the deposit we get back from this place into a savings account and keep saving, meaning we'd have more for our new home a bit further down the line.
It's pretty much 'off the grid', meaning that we'd be harder to track down should my mother do her usual bit.
It's very rural in a beautiful part of the country so the nature around us would be stunning.
It is the kind of adventure I long for (even if it turns out to be a disaster).
If it is a complete disaster it is only for twelve weeks and we could pull out sooner if we really wanted to.
It's outdoorsey, working with animals which would be good for me to have on my 'list of skills', particularly as I am very keen to join communes at a later date and work abroad, possibly through the WWOOFing scheme.
I think it would be great for my son.
It's much closer to our new 'place we want to live' which would make looking for somewhere easier.
It wouldn't delay my son's college application as I could just get all the paperwork in place and send if off as soon as we get a move in date to the permanent area (which would be end of Jan so still well in time for the deadline).
The cat would love it.
Cons: It is in the middle of nowhere - literally no neighbours, I don't know about phone/internet and would have to check.
It's a caravan (trailer, I think you call them) so will be cold even with heating on and it is going to be winter.
It will probably rain for the whole time we are there so we will never dry out!
Four miles from the nearest town - not bad but will mean we can't just pop out for a pint of milk if we need to.
The animals might escape/get ill/peck me to death or something.
The owners could just change their minds (just as we could) which would mean having to find somewhere else to live quickly (although we'd have the deposit money saved anyway so that probably wouldn't be a big problem).
I'd have to put a lot of my furniture into storage which will be a cost (although not too high a one as I don't have an awful lot of gear).
We wouldn't have a postal address so would have to sort out some sort of mail forwarding/PO Box system.
Complete nightmare? Or worth looking into? I'm keen to find out more but am aware that my head's all over the place at the moment and keeps telling me to to RUN AWAY so I'm not sure if 3 months in the middle of nowhere would be a blessing or a curse at the moment.
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Wow, Tupp.
Unlike you, I am a LOL (Lazy Old Lady) and lack the grit to take on isolation, unknown animals, no internet, and so forth. Like you, I am a VSF (very serious fantasist) so I can see how you look for the rosy side. AND, if it really did mean significant money for your future could be put by, I'd probably really want to consider it.
But. You've already identified quite a few downsides. Living in a trailer during rainy winter with your son, and four miles from anything? Not sure it'll be the bucolic dream, honestly. And if it IS nightmarish for those or yet-identified factors that appeared once there...would you have a Plan B? I think that's probably pretty decisive. If you leave your current home with belongings in storage, what happens next if you really HAVE to get out of there?
Keep thinking, adding to your Pros and Cons list...and I know others here will have good observations.
Wow. Oh, also, breaaaaathe...
Hugs
Hops
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Wow, Tupp.
Unlike you, I am a LOL (Lazy Old Lady) and lack the grit to take on isolation, unknown animals, no internet, and so forth. Like you, I am a VSF (very serious fantasist) so I can see how you look for the rosy side. AND, if it really did mean significant money for your future could be put by, I'd probably really want to consider it.
But. You've already identified quite a few downsides. Living in a trailer during rainy winter with your son, and four miles from anything? Not sure it'll be the bucolic dream, honestly. And if it IS nightmarish for those or yet-identified factors that appeared once there...would you have a Plan B? I think that's probably pretty decisive. If you leave your current home with belongings in storage, what happens next if you really HAVE to get out of there?
Keep thinking, make your Pros and Cons list...and I know others here will have good observations.
Wow. Oh, also, breaaaaathe...
Hugs
Hops
Lol, am breathing in fits and starts :) Have emailed a list of questions. On one hand I feel it could be a break between my old life and my new one. Character building stuff. On the other could make me enter my new life depressed, lol. Would be good financially. Plan B is easy enough as we'd have the money to move so could just go and rent a flat. Although saying that a big chunk of metal has just fallen off my van so I'd probably be better to wait and see how much that is going to cost. We're 3 miles from anything other than a corner shop where we are now so that bit doesn't bother me so much. No internet might do a bit more; did struggle without it recently. Won't be completely isolated as the lady that owns it lets a home ed group meet there twice a week so we'd have visitors (which is more than we do now, lol!). Will wait and see what the answers to the questions are. I wonder how difficult it is to teach yourself to ride a horse? ;) x
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Oh, Lord.
Tupp faceplants in horse poo....
Okay, breathe (to self).
Hmmm. I like the thought of visitors! And adore horses though I quit riding. Do you have ANY experience with farm animals? Will the owners leave you nice and clear daily/each task instructions? I could imagine how lovely that could be for your son, to gain that experience. SO good for kids with issues to take responsibility for animal chores. They (animals) have wisdom and just don't judge... Now it's sounding more appealing!
Money, good. Plan B, good. Four miles not intimidating, good.
Now, how the Board would cope with no Tupp-talk for 3 months...BAAAAAAD. Have laptop? Village have a wifi coffee shop?
Vicarious thrills,
Hops
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Hi Tupp:
I like to make lists of pris and cons.
Also....maybe a day on the farm helping to care for animals before you go any further? Hands on experience will give you tons of information.
Worst case scenario.....what doesn't kill you and all that.
Best case.....you and your son experience the farm as tonic for the soul.
I sure would like to see how your day reacts to the farm and animals up front. How do you feel when you're there?
Lighter
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Another quick stop in, I will update properly soon but at the moment I'm getting the van ready for its MOT and there's so much to do, lol. But anyway, farm idea is off as there's no electric there - off grid and no internet I can cope with but no electric at all, not so much. But some people I know are talking about taking it on so might be possible to stay for a couple of weeks in the summer or something and do a working holiday. So back to original plan of moving one month before Christmas, still exciting! Will update soon, thank you very much for your thoughts on this one, funny how things pop up sometimes :)
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Eeek.... it actually made me a bit dizzy to read there's no electricity.
At all.
:shock:
Good to take it off the table, IMO.
I look forward to your posts about the planned November move: )
Lighter
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Lol, I know Lighter, there are many things I can cope with but no electric at all isn't one of them! Will update soon, van has just spectacularly failed its MOT so we are without a vehicle at the moment and not too sure what's going to happen about that so things are a little bit up in the air :)
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Well.... I guess that's the yearly inspection, right? The MOT?
Did it pass last year?
Lighter
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Just a quick update as we've had a nightmarish week and my head is spinning.
We've had bad news about my son. It is looking like he has quite a serious genetic disorder that, goodness only knows how, the endless slew of doctors we've seen over the last ten years have missed. If he does have what they think he has then the outlook is not good. He could become more and more disabled, physically and mentally, as the years go on. They have more tests to do but the tests they have done so far are pointing in that direction so the outlook isn't great at the moment.
Apart from it obviously being a devastating possibility, it also throws all of our plans for colleges up in the air. I had looked at colleges assuming his health would remain as it is or get better, not from a point of view of him possibly needing more and more care. So our current choices may not be suitable, which means all plans for moving are on hold, again. The thought of staying here another minute just feels to much to bear at the moment. Since I've had that weird revelation at counselling that THEY LIVE ACROSS THE ROAD I have really struggled to cope. Added to all of that our van failed the MOT quite spectacularly (Lighter, you are right, it's the yearly safety inspection so if it fails you can't drive it until the repairs have been done and it's been retested and signed off) so we are currently without transport either and I don't know when that will all be sorted out.
So - in head spinning mode at the moment - the further tests could take several more months to be completed and may or may not show what the doctors are currently thinking the problem is. It's a lot of uncertainty and the stress of that alone is sending me through the roof. Having to also put my escape plan on hold has crushed me; I've also had to cancel our holiday as the doctors want me to take my son straight to the hospital when he next has an episode and as there's no way of knowing when that will be I can't risk being hundreds of miles away if and when it happens. So the things that were helping me to cope day to day are no longer in place.
At the moment the only thing I can think of is to go for a temporary move locally. It isn't ideal, but it means we can carry on with the tests and attending the hospitals we need to without having to transfer care to another area. We'd only be about four miles away from where we are at the moment, but it would reduce the endless reminders (although won't eradicate them completely) and we'd be on the edge of a small town. It's a horrible town and not somewhere I want to live but it would be convenient; we could get to the shops and the library easily (walking distance) which would do us both good and cut down on petrol costs. If we do it for six months it will at least reduce the pressure of living here and make life a bit easier on a practical level. In six months time we should have more information about his health, which in turn means I can look at colleges from a new perspective and perhaps make different choices (although it may be the ones I was planning to look at still turn out to be the best option). Longer term, it would also make it easier to move from this area without anyone knowing as I won't be surrounded by all the nosy gossips that I am where we live at the moment. So perhaps it will turn out to be all for the best. But at the moment things are very up in the air and I really don't know which way things are going to go.
Anyway - will post more news when I have it! Hope everyone is okay x
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(((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))), I am so terribly sorry.
What a blow.
I can't imagine how hard it is to hear your boy has yet more challenges to deal with. And you as well.
I am stunned that you are still able to think so rationally and carve out a reasonable Plan B. But you have.
Sending you all courage and comfort possible,
with lots of love,
Hops
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Thank you, Hops xx
Funnily enough, it's Plan Bs that keep me going! I'm not very good at living in the moment. I do feel more comfortable if I have 'something' to work towards. So I freaked out completely, frantically whirred through options in my mind and once Plan B was formulated felt much better. Control issues, I guess!
Equally funny, we went into town this morning to do a few things. Now bearing in mind I've just said in that last post that it's a horrible town and I don't like it, several things happened this morning that made me feel that a 'higher power' is saying "oi, this place isn't so bad".
We were at the bus stop and the guy who's fixing my van stopped, partly to give me a progress report and partly to tell me that he was telling a lady he works for about my son and how much he loves Lego and she's given him a huge box of Lego pieces - complete stranger who's never met him doing something that lovely. We went into the library and they're advertising for volunteers to fetch books for people who are housebound and also to teach a local lady to read. They're both things I'd love to do, not just at the minute as so much else is going on but certainly once things have settled a bit I'll look into that.
We went into the post office and the lady, again no-one we know, was lovely to my boy and chatted away to him about Minions (you know the yellow things out of Dispicable Me). From there to the cafe where the owner was delighted to see us and made a big fuss of my son. Various people along the way were holding doors open for us (as my son was in his wheelchair today) and finally we went back to the bus stop to come home. Another complete stranger came up and said he'd noticed my son reading a Batman book and that he's a big Batman fan himself. He's having a clear out and he has a load of Batman comics and he wondered if my son would like them. How kind is that? So I feel like someone somewhere is saying "right, come on grumpy, this place isn't so bad, the people are kind so stop moaning and get on with it". :) Definitely feel better than I did when I got up!
So yes - will wait until we have the van back and then start house hunting in earnest I think. The thought of moving out of here, albeit just a few miles down the road, makes me feel that a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Will keep you posted :) x
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Funny, Tupp... as I read your posts I was thinking about plan Bs very much in line with your Plan Bs.
I did think there might be a reason you spent some time in the little town you might move to.... and then your lovely post about lovely people doing lovely things.... yes: )
Open up to possibilities. You might find new chosen family there.... or experiences that give you things you need right now.
I'm sorry to read about your son's new troubles..... doctors truly are just practicing.
Please keep us updated, and I'll send prayers in the meantime ((Tupp and son)).
Lighter
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Funny, Tupp... as I read your posts I was thinking about plan Bs very much in line with your Plan Bs.
I did think there might be a reason you spent some time in the little town you might move to.... and then your lovely post about lovely people doing lovely things.... yes: )
Open up to possibilities. You might find new chosen family there.... or experiences that give you things you need right now.
I'm sorry to read about your son's new troubles..... doctors truly are just practicing.
Please keep us updated, and I'll send prayers in the meantime ((Tupp and son)).
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter. I am really noticing now how negative my mind set is when I'm at home now and when I'm somewhere else. I feel like their toxicity is seeping across the road and dragging me down constantly.
I am struggling at the moment; there is so much going on and I'm just so tired. We are off to the circus tonight, though. I do have a tendancy to work through stressful times and wear myself and I really must stop doing it. Much better to go off and have some fun instead. So circus tonight, hospital again tomorrow (not for too long) which means we should have the results of these tests around the end of this month.
The work on the van is almost done; she's being re-tested on Thursday so fingers crossed we'll be back on the road Friday which will really help. I've seen a house online that looks perfect - walking distance to town, on a bus route, within our budget, small garden and a cat flap! Lol, so the cat will be happy. It's small but that's fine; I don't have a huge amount of stuff and we'll be able to get out and about more from there so we won't be stuck indoors as much as we are here. So just waiting for the van to get sorted and then I'll phone and ask about a viewing. Fingers crossed.
Was very glad to read that your legal nightmare may be over now, Lighter, fingers crossed for that, too. xx
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Tupp:
The idea of your having to keep a small space clean is a happy thought.
You don't need to upkeep and maintenance of a large space for you and your son..... so it sounds perfect to me too.
YES YES YES get away from the ITs across the street.
It's time.
Take you, and leave them behind.
Embrace the new lovely community where you get to tell your story, and BE who you truly are without having everything muddled, and sullied, and confused by others.
I think that you're feeling dragged down, in a new way, bc you're starting to let boundaries down, and FEEl more than was safe in the past.
The discomfort might be a clear indicator it's TIME TO MAKE THIS MOVE...... how can it not be?
(((Tupp and son)))
I'm sorry you have to wait so long for your son's dx, but at least you have things in hand, and rolling.
Lighter
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Small is HEAVEN.
I love my little house.
Garden for kitty?
And some blooms?
Oh I like the sound of this, Tupp....
Optimistically, for everything esp. including your son,
Hops
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Thank you both :)
I think yes, it is very much time to move on and leave behind old friends, habits, thought patterns and everything else that is holding me back.
I've told the therapist that I might need to take a break from counselling for a while. The health situation with my son plus a house move is enough to cope with; I think if I dredge up too much at the minute it will tip me over the edge. Her reply was lovely; she said counselling's only a part of recovery and that moving away might do more good for young Tup than counselling will at the moment. She also said I can phone to off load if I need to and to just let her know what I decide to do; the door's open. It's made me want to go back! She's fab.
I've been thinking about friendships today and how many I've had that haven't been that good for me. I realised I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have, even though they don't know it sometimes! For example -
The work on the van has been done and it had to be re-tested today. This is in the town that we're going to try to move to, so we went to a cafe while the test was being done and the sister of someone I went to school with works in there. She's so lovely, we had a really nice chat and I thought to myself this is someone that I would like to spend more time with and get to know better as a friend. And I realised that I don't actually know how to make friends, I've always just hung out with people who've approached me and I've never been proactive about that sort of thing. A lack of confidence, I think and a worry of being rejected. So I'm going to try and visit the cafe a bit more regularly in future.
There's a Lego workshop next to the garage where the van was being fixed. They do big commercial projects, life size Lego tigers, Lego aeroplanes that you can actually sit in, that sort of thing. My son's a big Lego fan and one of the guy's that works in the garage knows the bloke that runs the Lego workshop and bless him, he spoke to him about giving my son a tour and the guy said yes so he's going to get his own Lego adventure! He'll be so excited. So just in the last week I've had all these nice people, none of whom know us terribly well, really go out of their way to be kind, friendly or just be nice company. And I find myself sitting indoors fretting about people who never ring. So I think the Universe is trying to doink me over the head and tell me to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested! And just to hammer the message home I received a joke this evening, by text, from a 'friend' who's made no effort to keep in touch all the time my son's been ill although she lives just up the road. It's a really inappropriate joke and I'm so worried about my son at the moment that not much is making me laugh anyway, but it really made me realise that she has no understanding of my situation and that she really doesn't know me.
So it's really definitely time to move on and make some changes. I'm so tired at the moment the thought of doing anything at all feels too much but I am definitely going to try :)
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I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....
....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!
You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.
(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")
I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.
Maybe you're prone to that too?
I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.
As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.
For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)
I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.
I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.
(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:
Hops
Regent of Rumination
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Tupp:
Reading your post.... reading about the new place... the new people, and esp the move AWAY from ITs.....
it feels very right to me.
Your T sounds very supportive, and it's a relief to know she's a phone call or text away no matter how far you travel.
Releasing the "friend" with love also seems right.... she doesn't know you, and she's not been supportive of you and your son during his illness. It's OK to let people go at the right time for the right reasons. You don't have to justify or explain..... you don't need anyone's approval or permission.... just your own.
You're seizing your authority over your life, Tupp.
Yes: )
::sending you strength, energy, and courage::
Lighter
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I do need to stop thinking/pondering on the people who haven't been there for me and focus on those who have....
....to see what's in front of me and not keep dwelling on people who aren't interested!
You got it. And what you said about fear of being rejected and feeling awkward in making overtures to people...I think it all goes together with the quotes from you above. When I feel that rejection-vulnerability I often find my critical/judgemental voice kick in. I think when I have racing thoughts about how some other person (regardless of label, "friend" or not) hasn't responded BECAUSE THEY ARE [insert critical label, from self-absorbed to N-ish if I feel really hurt, to boring, to blah and blah...]. Doesn't mean sometimes I'm never accurate or perceptive in identifying negatives about that individual, but I'm talking about the extra energy I give to that round of self-talk.
(Which I just pretend to myself is other-talk, in my head. "Don't you see, why haven't you, you must, you should, a Real Friend would...")
I think it's just social vulnerability, and my judgmental inner editor is a comfort zone. Lonely one.
Maybe you're prone to that too?
I do waaaay better when I can stop "grading" others on the various ways they've disappointed me (sure enough you can find that anywhere you go/live/move) and focus on loving and valuing myself. Not "in defiance of those inadequate/disappointing other people" but just because...it's happier. It's the healthy place to be.
As I get happier with myself, less neglectful of myself, more engaged in my own life...then I'm less dependent on approval, interest or comfort from others. I'm still human and very very aware how much I need community...but I find I am less and less confident that a stalwart web of intimate and totally loyal friends is just going to stably exist because I want it to. I think life is a lot more fragile than that.
For me, the cure is...GROUP. Community. Not fixating on individual people or individual interactions (or the lack thereof). When I let myself participate in something larger, even if it's a group meeting or an "interest group" I am happier. (Then the positive discoveries with individuals, which certainly do happen, are still wonderful...but I don't weight them down with massive expectations/rules/rigidities/fix-my-sad-life stuff.)
I still get stuck in my mind-circles at times, but we don't gotta LIVE there.
I think you're doing fabulously and urge you not to ever dump that wonderful T. Hope you'll just make it an "interval" without therapy, not a change of your new life navigation.
(Last thought: the verbs in your quotes that twanged for me are: thinking, pondering, and dwelling. Add 'em up and you've got rumination -- a major signal of depression.) So often, people don't recognize that actual thoughts, especially articulate and rationally-narrated thoughts, can be symptoms in themselves.) Lest you think I do not do this, I will sign off as:
Hops
Regent of Rumination
I think what I struggle with (amongst other things) is people taking up my time and there being nothing in it for me? And that sounds very selfish and mercenary, I know, but just this morning (which is funny given that my 'getting out of here and making new friends' thing is at the front of my mind) someone texted, asked me how I was and when I responded that I'm really struggling and really worried about my son they replied that they have two weeks holiday now and they're really excited about it. Why ask if you don't want to acknowledge the response? Then phoned a friend and after fifty minutes of her talking about all her problems realised I wasn't going to get a word in so ended the call. Then a text from someone else with a long explanation of her entire week that ends with 'Hope you're both okay' - she knows we're not but doesn't even want to end the text with a question in case she gets an honest response. I feel like none of those interactions was worth the time?
My head is all over the place at the mo and you're right Hopsie, I am depressed, but equally I don't know what to do about it? Moving will help, I think, but the house I was interested in won't rent to me because I'm not working and at the moment there's nothing else available in that area. We can move out of the area but if we do that we won't be able to carry on seeing the same doctors and will have to start the medical process all over again. Anti-depressants help short term but then the side effects seem to affect me very strongly so I can't take them long term and I'm still in the same situation again. I'm taking as much herbal/self help stuff as I can but it's not cutting it and I can feel myself sinking further and further in.
Group/community get togethers interest me a lot and are something I want to do more of but I still feel this enormous space where I feel I want close, supportive relationships, along side the community stuff I suppose? I feel so stuck, it's like being in quick sand, the more I struggle the further I sink in some ways.
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Today has been horrific; the sort of day that, fifteen years ago, would have had me ringing the doctor asking to be admitted to the psych ward. I had virtually no control over my mind; my anxiety was so high that I literally couldn't pin a thought down and be rational about anything. I ended up taking both herbal pills and betablockers that were left in the cupboard from an old prescription and washed it down with booze. I haven't done anything like that for years and don't want to be in a position to do it again but today was a bit of an emergency and the doctor's surgery was full so it seemed like the only option.
It did calm me down enough to start gathering my thoughts again. The situation with my son isn't looking good. If he does have this disorder that the blood tests are currently indicating then it can be fatal, and/or leave him severely disabled. There are 'good' cases so he might be one of those but there's absolutely no way of knowing and I am so tired of having to be brave, strong and carrying on. I literally, physically collapsed today and there's literally no-one I can call to come and pick me up. I just lay there until I felt I could move again. It's been a terrible day.
There may be a possibility that we can get a flat fairly near the hospital in an area that's quite nice so if that happens it will help, even just as a temporary move. Will hopefully know more about that in the next couple of weeks. But the reactions of people who know us - several haven't stopped talking for long enough for me to speak, someone else responded today by saying "oh shit" by text and nothing more and when I told my sister she said "oh my God" and then started talking about her dog. I don't expect anyone to leap in and magically find a cure but I really, really needed to hear someone respond to it and take it - and my fear - seriously and just acknowledge the potential severity of the situation. I'm absolutely terrified.
Anyway - I'm in bed. I've not been sleeping so no doubt will be awake again in the small hours. I'm just hoping my brain will have leveled out a bit in the morning because I'm really not functioning well at all at the minute.
Thank you for letting me waffle on, I do appreciate it.
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Oh, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))).
I am so sorry.
I really do understand how others' self-absorption or inability to express caring in a way that really reaches your heart, and comforts...can be devastating.
When you're already feeling so alone, frightened for your boy, and under great great stress.
Here, dear. Tea, a hug, and a tissue. It's okay to fall down for a while and no, you don't have to lose your mind to all this. You are so much stronger than you know.
I am so hoping the flat-near-hosp-in-nice-area works out. Another thing to consider--in most hospitals I'm familiar with (worked in one for a time), there are all sorts of support groups. People with ill children are so hugely in need of others who understand, who've felt the pain and fear of that vulnerability.
Just sitting in a circle with others who Know This Fear--could make such an enormous difference for you. Ask a social worker at the hospital...please do. And follow through.
You deserve support. Period.
And if it can't come from your acquaintances, your long-term social circle, it's going to come from people you've never laid eyes on before--some of whom will absolutely amaze you with their understanding and compassion.
Consider this...though the power and meaning of 3-D connection is more important, and always will be...you've never laid eyes on any of us.
And you know we love you.
(I'd suggest tossing those herbal things, you never know what's really IN them unless they're stringently regulated and not imported from god-knows-what growers in Asia. "Made" in a country doesn't mean GROWN there, alas. I hope you find that crying, as much as you need to, talking with some nonjudgmental person who GETS what's needed--even a pastor if you believe, or a community person who works with folks who face the kinds of challenges you walk through--I hope you find that knitting together all of those things, and not depending on a fantasy of coping alone...will help you through.)
Comfort and just hang in. Meditate if you can, Tupp. Even 15 minutes twice a day. It'll help you remember your connection to something big and beautiful that noone can take away.
The small stuff doesn't matter. In the big picture of life, there is ALWAYS room for you just as you are. And your boy.
love to you,
Hops
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Tupp, Tupp Tupp...
Screw advice. I'm just thinking about you a lot,
cuppas on a tray -- bringing you a nice warm cloth for your worn-out eyes.
Little back-pats between your shoulders, maybe I'll go get a posey.
Scent of flowers. Some peaceful music that sings of big love and big beauty...
Hallo to your boy, see what I can fetch him... Soup?
My heart was wrung to read about your day, hope you know
people are passing the day with you, even unseen.
You are going to be okay.
One day, one step, one moment at a time.
Sometimes that's just all you can do and it's enough.
Hang in,
Hops
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(((((Tupp)))))
I'm sorry there's no 3 D support in your life. It's coming. Like Hops said.... the social workers can set you up with support groups, and there will be new people in your life after the move.
It's OK to fall down.... everyone does. Don't beat yourself up. Stay down as long as you need and can, and don't regret. Just rest, and restore yourself.
Maybe ask the doc for a low dose of lorazepam or something you can take a tiny corner of to feel level when the anxiety starts rolling over you.
You've made it this far bc you're brave, and capable, and resilient enough to keep getting back up after every setback, sabotage, and curve ball. You're a mom, and you're going to do what;s best for your cub.
You have us.... please remember that this community is a safe place to find understanding, support and feedback..... we're here for you, (((Tupp.)))
::Sending strength, courage and a big'ol cyber hug::
Lighter
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How are you doing this morning, Tupp?
Light
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And breath :)
Okay, firstly, sorry for freaking out completely and secondly thank you for your lovely replies, and for being there, and for not minding me freaking out :)
I have calmed down now; I'm still tearful and veering between angry, hopeful, devastated and dancing round the kitchen but I'm alright and don't have the awful 'lead in the limbs and no control of my thoughts' feeling that I had over the weekend.
It did make me realise that my 'breakdown' thirteen or so years ago was really just about everything being too much rather than being mentally ill. I don't know why that matters to me but it did make me feel better, for some reason?
I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do. Why did I do that? It's like I want to keep hurting myself.
So - practical head on (because that's how I cope - at least some of the time!).
Although it's looking highly likely that he has this condition it's not confirmed yet so still a chance there's been a mix up.
If he does have it there are people who do okay on meds so it might not be a complete disaster.
I am upset that our plans for college are on hold now (I don't feel I want to do anything about that until all these tests have been done as the outcome of these might change the sort of college he goes to as his medical needs might be higher). But it's on hold rather than cancelled so will still happen at some point.
It is looking possible for us to get subsidised housing which will help a lot. I don't know what the housing situation is in the States but over here housing in this part of the country is ridiculously expensive and very difficult to rent when you aren't employed. Local authority housing is much cheaper, better maintained and you don't have the same barriers if you're not working so we might get lucky, which would be good.
We're attending two different hospitals and neither one is being very helpful at the moment. Their letters don't mirror the things they've told me and I seem to be constantly chasing people up, which is very stressful and time consuming. I am going to get some advice on what actually needs to happen next as they seem to be working to two different goals, and then sort out who is doing what and get it all confirmed in writing.
There is a support group; it's very small because the condition is so unusual! But they have a Facebook group so I have spoken to some of them online and will put together a list of questions that I'm trying to get my head around.
I am beyond exhausted - I have just had too much to cope with for too long now. So I'm waiting to hear back from the hospital as to whether my son has any tests over the next few weeks and if he doesn't I'm going to ask that lady if we can borrow her holiday home and go away for a fortnight. I'm miserable in this house and the only way I can take my mind off it is to keep myself constantly busy, which is why I feel so tired all the time. So if we can get away for a bit we will.
I am very, very supportive of my online friends and really do appreciate you being here. But I really, really need some good people in 3D as well. I've been alone for so long, and so very alone for so long. I really want that to change. I have made a plan of things to do this week that involve some group/community activities, and we're going to the cafe I mentioned where the nice lady works. I'm seeing a good 3D friend on Wednesday and hoping to meet up with another one nearer the end of the week. Trying to balance being busy with not wearing myself out.
Thank you very, very much for being there. I'm okay again now. Scared me a bit but I'm okay and will post more news when I have it and when I don't feel so shattered! Thank you xxxx
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Hi Tup,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.
Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.
I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.
I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.
Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.
Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3
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I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do. Why did I do that? It's like I want to keep hurting myself.
Tupps, sweetie...
even when a relationship is bad for us... it's what we know and are used to; it's our "normal". And like it or not, because our primary caregivers were Ns... we tend to return again & again, to that familiar type of connection -- even long after we know it sucks to be us, in those relationships. So, your friends say they care... but don't act like it? This is one reason, I don't have a lot of friends in 3D. I literally don't trust people and - while it's probably wrong - I simply won't take the risk of disappointment or being hurt. For me, the actions speak louder than words -- it's the main lesson from living with abusive/N parents, isn't it?
And I have a big hole, where all the mothering experiences I needed, was left (mostly) unfilled. That longing for just a hug; someone who automatically KNOWS just what you need; and the feeling that there is someone who's got your back... yes, the people here in this group are really "adopted" moms for each other. That's maybe a clue, that we should be looking for those kinds of attributes in our 3-D friends. And friends change over time, too. My oldest, dearest girlfriend from 13 yrs old on... we certainly did mother each other. And we can still connect after all these years - just not as well, because of life stuff; we went in different directions and paths. We kind of allowed each other to change. (You'll figure this out from where you are now, I think.)
The other stuff - the life stuff that absolutely NONE of us control - can indeed pull the rug out from under you, and yes... if you're a sane person, you're going to react in ways that aren't always cool, calm & collected. I think those moments are necessary - expressing those in "not so perfect" ways and just plain old getting it completely out of your system. All the emotions, half-baked crazy-thoughts, feeling like you're in the midst of a tornado. Just spew it all out. Way better, I think, than trying to pretend you can control this kind of thing, have it all together, all the time, and that you are just going to continue plodding along the same old path -- without adjusting to the conditions around you.
Naw, little Tupp isn't going to WANT to adjust and may very well have a bit of a tantrum about it. Hollaring "it's not fair". Well, no. It's NOT FAIR. But it is life. And we have to go through it, make the best we can out of it, and figure things out.
Plan B, needs a plan C... just in case you find out life in Plan B, has some unexpected stuff you couldn't foresee. And there is ALWAYS unexpected stuff.
(((((((((Tupps))))))))))
I have just gone through a whole YEAR of this, come Friday. We let go what we can let go, we hang onto all the things we care about, and we make "do" with what we're faced with and what we've got to work with.
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((((Tupp))))
You distinguished between "having a break down" bc of crazy making circumstances not created by you, and being "mentally ill"..... THAT's HUGE, IMO.
You aren't broken, or defective, or "the cause" of your response to your family's dysfunction/original abuse/ongoing abuse through the years IMO.
So glad you contacted the support group, and continue identifying unhealthy relationships and replacing them with healthier ones.
Having 3 D friends helps us stay level and grounded...... you're an amazing human being to navigate all you've been through.
It's exciting to see you give responsibility back to the IT's for their actions, and identify your coping strategies to what they've done TO you.
((((Tupp and Son))))
I'm sending you prayers, and calming white light.
Lighter
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Hi Tup,
I'm so sorry to hear about all that you're going through. I really get what you're saying about the need for healthy 3D relationships. The Internet has been a blessing for me because it's made places like this board available, and the online support has helped me immeasurably. But there's still no substitute for a real person to hold your hand, or hug you, or just be there for you.
Like you, I've also struggled with healthy friendships. Is that something that affects all children of N-Mothers? Interesting that this comes up in a thread about self-worth, because I think that's been a huge road block for me in finding true friendship. I'm similar to you in that I wait for friends to come to me, rather than proactively seeking them out, and I do believe that's because I've never had any self-worth. I grew up being told that no one liked me, so I've always felt unworthy of friendship. I've always had friends at the office, but whenever I changed jobs, those friendships fell by the wayside. No lifelong best friends.
I don't know how to fix that, not just me, but you, or anyone who was raised by an N-mother and lacks the self-esteem, and probably the social skills, to get out there and meet people who really like you for being YOU. I think that, as daughters of Ns, we've been taught to settle. We aren't worthy, so if someone shows an interest, we should be grateful and just take it, whether it be a romantic interest or a friendship. I've definitely settled for whatever came along in the men department, and have probably done that with friends as well. Then it ends up like you describe, with the "friend" going on about themselves, and tacking on a "Hope you're okay" at the end, when what we really need is a freaking hug.
I don't mean to turn this into a post about me. I'm saying this because I do think it's something we all struggle with. Maybe I'm wrong. For the people posting in this group, do any of you have really meaningful friendships in which you really feel loved and cared about? Or are we all doomed to having good relationships with only our therapists, who are, in a sense, paid friends. I'm babbling, but also having a day where I'm feeling so terribly alone, and when I feel alone, I come here.
Anyway, Tup, I wish I could give you a hug right now. Bad enough to get this news about your son, but knowing what you've been through with your NM, I sure hope that there's no interference from her. It sounds like so far so good, so hoping that's the case. The support group sounds encouraging, even if it's small. Actually, small might be better and allow you to bond with the others.
Okay, I'm probably not even making sense at this point. Sending all my best from across the pond. Well, why didn't they give us a heart smiley? Old fashioned one ... <3
All makes sense to me, Kathy, although I'm sorry you go through the same. The upbringing definitely has something to do with it, I feel, but I've got to a point now where I can't be bothered with it all anymore. I feel angry that, once again, I'm in a very real crisis that no-one's noticing or making any effort to help me with.
I'm not someone that needs a lot of help. If I constantly lurched from one drama to another and was always asking for babysitting, money, help around the house and so on then I could understand people getting tired of it. But all I want from a friendship is conversation that I don't have to initiate each time, someone popping round for a coffee every now and again instead of waiting for me to go to them and, in times of crisis, someone picking the phone up and saying "It's alright, mate, I've got your back". Instead of which if I want to see a human being then I have to drag my ill son to them because they can't be arsed to come to me, I've friends who I ring for a chat and after an hour I hang up without having had a chance to speak and people whose response to being told my son might be dying is to start talking about themselves again. I think perhaps the time has come not to bother anymore.
-
I also realised that I took that terrible news to people who have a tendency to not be too interested in what I do. Why did I do that? It's like I want to keep hurting myself.
Tupps, sweetie...
even when a relationship is bad for us... it's what we know and are used to; it's our "normal". And like it or not, because our primary caregivers were Ns... we tend to return again & again, to that familiar type of connection -- even long after we know it sucks to be us, in those relationships. So, your friends say they care... but don't act like it? This is one reason, I don't have a lot of friends in 3D. I literally don't trust people and - while it's probably wrong - I simply won't take the risk of disappointment or being hurt. For me, the actions speak louder than words -- it's the main lesson from living with abusive/N parents, isn't it?
And I have a big hole, where all the mothering experiences I needed, was left (mostly) unfilled. That longing for just a hug; someone who automatically KNOWS just what you need; and the feeling that there is someone who's got your back... yes, the people here in this group are really "adopted" moms for each other. That's maybe a clue, that we should be looking for those kinds of attributes in our 3-D friends. And friends change over time, too. My oldest, dearest girlfriend from 13 yrs old on... we certainly did mother each other. And we can still connect after all these years - just not as well, because of life stuff; we went in different directions and paths. We kind of allowed each other to change. (You'll figure this out from where you are now, I think.)
The other stuff - the life stuff that absolutely NONE of us control - can indeed pull the rug out from under you, and yes... if you're a sane person, you're going to react in ways that aren't always cool, calm & collected. I think those moments are necessary - expressing those in "not so perfect" ways and just plain old getting it completely out of your system. All the emotions, half-baked crazy-thoughts, feeling like you're in the midst of a tornado. Just spew it all out. Way better, I think, than trying to pretend you can control this kind of thing, have it all together, all the time, and that you are just going to continue plodding along the same old path -- without adjusting to the conditions around you.
Naw, little Tupp isn't going to WANT to adjust and may very well have a bit of a tantrum about it. Hollaring "it's not fair". Well, no. It's NOT FAIR. But it is life. And we have to go through it, make the best we can out of it, and figure things out.
Plan B, needs a plan C... just in case you find out life in Plan B, has some unexpected stuff you couldn't foresee. And there is ALWAYS unexpected stuff.
(((((((((Tupps))))))))))
I have just gone through a whole YEAR of this, come Friday. We let go what we can let go, we hang onto all the things we care about, and we make "do" with what we're faced with and what we've got to work with.
I'm sorry the anniversary is coming up, Skep and yes, you're right, it's about letting go of things we don't need and hanging on to what we do. I do feel like you, I'm tired of being let down and disappointed by people who just don't do tiny things to show you that they care. It is about action, isn't it, words help if they're heartfelt and backed up by action but it is the people who phone or come round with a bag of shopping for you who make the difference.
And as I've written this I've started to wonder if the thing that's really scaring me now is knowing that, if my boy really is this sick, I'll be coping on my own. There won't be family running around after us or friends visiting and calling in. It'll be me and him, back and forth to the hospital, with me frantically trying to fit in the household stuff and sorting the van out in between. Perhaps I just need to start focusing on the two of us and forget about other people now. Maybe it's time to admit defeat and get a dog :) x
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((((Tupp))))
You distinguished between "having a break down" bc of crazy making circumstances not created by you, and being "mentally ill"..... THAT's HUGE, IMO.
You aren't broken, or defective, or "the cause" of your response to your family's dysfunction/original abuse/ongoing abuse through the years IMO.
So glad you contacted the support group, and continue identifying unhealthy relationships and replacing them with healthier ones.
Having 3 D friends helps us stay level and grounded...... you're an amazing human being to navigate all you've been through.
It's exciting to see you give responsibility back to the IT's for their actions, and identify your coping strategies to what they've done TO you.
((((Tupp and Son))))
I'm sending you prayers, and calming white light.
Lighter
Hi Lighter,
Thank you. It's funny how those moments of clarity can come to you during moments of intense experience, isn't it? But yes, I can see now that all of my problems over the years have been reactions to what I've been through rather than mental illness. It's all very tiring.
How are things with your legal case now, is it definitely over? x
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More pondering, and I have decided now that people are no longer a priority in my life. I feel that as it's such hard work and such a disappointment so much of the time that I am pushing in the wrong direction so I'm going to stop pushing and try and notice what happens.
I struggle with a sense of abandonment, not being good enough, people not wanting me or caring about me enough. It makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where this keeps happening and keeps knocking me back down again. Today, for example, I was going to meet a friend but yesterday she had to cancel. That's not a problem at all, her son's poorly and I completely understand that so that isn't an issue. I contacted another friend to see if they had any time free today, they did, so we arranged to meet in the park - for the benefit of their little one as my son's too old for parks now, and I arranged my morning around the get together. We got there, to discover they were only staying for twenty minutes between two other things they'd arranged to do. And I just stood there thinking, this is what I don't want anymore, being shoehorned in between more important things, or someone visiting because there's no-one else around during the day, or phoning because they need a friendly ear, not for a friendly chat or, heaven forbid, a laugh and a joke. I do want some relationships in my life where someone prioritises for me, not constantly and not at the expense of everything else, but someone who wants to see me and my son enough to arrange a get together, find a mutually convenient time and spend some proper time together. Not necessarily every time, the quite twenty minute get togethers are fine when you see each other at other times but I feel like my relationships are the equivalent of junk food and having that constantly isn't good for you.
So. I am going to concentrate on myself and my son healthwise. I don't know when or where we'll be moving but I'm going to carry on packing, clearing out and looking for somewhere. I am going to try and find some time to write every day and work on my stories and my 'can you believe all this crap we've dealt with' book about my experiences as the mum of a disabled child. I'm going to try and find more time to listen to music, browse around second hand shops, learn to play the guitar and just do things that I enjoy.
People wise, there are shops and cafes that we use where the staff are always friendly and happy to chat. I'm going to look on that as my social interaction. We're going to a craft group at the library on Friday morning and there's a sports club on Saturday; my son's not really up to sport at the minute but as we've been there before I thought we could just go and say hi to everyone and get a coffee. I'm going to try and put 'people' to the back of my mind and concentrate on us and just having nice chats where I can. I'm too tired to think about it all anymore :)
I do want to say thank you so much to all of you for being there and being so supportive, and to Dr G for making this place happen. I really don't know where I'd be without you all.
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More pondering, and I have decided now that people are no longer a priority in my life. I feel that as it's such hard work and such a disappointment so much of the time that I am pushing in the wrong direction so I'm going to stop pushing and try and notice what happens. It's a shift that makes a huge difference, IME. For me it's about gaining enough emotional distance that I can stop reacting, or fearing or just having a response at all...... so I can observe what's actually going on. HUGE, IME.
I struggle with a sense of abandonment, not being good enough, people not wanting me or caring about me enough. It makes no sense to keep putting myself into situations where this keeps happening and keeps knocking me back down again. Today, for example, I was going to meet a friend but yesterday she had to cancel. That's not a problem at all, her son's poorly and I completely understand that so that isn't an issue. I contacted another friend to see if they had any time free today, they did, so we arranged to meet in the park - for the benefit of their little one as my son's too old for parks now, and I arranged my morning around the get together. We got there, to discover they were only staying for twenty minutes between two other things they'd arranged to do. And I just stood there thinking, this is what I don't want anymore, being shoehorned in between more important things, or someone visiting because there's no-one else around during the day, or phoning because they need a friendly ear, not for a friendly chat or, heaven forbid, a laugh and a joke. I do want some relationships in my life where someone prioritises for me, not constantly and not at the expense of everything else, but someone who wants to see me and my son enough to arrange a get together, find a mutually convenient time and spend some proper time together. Not necessarily every time, the quite twenty minute get togethers are fine when you see each other at other times but I feel like my relationships are the equivalent of junk food and having that constantly isn't good for you.Another thought about the junk food analogy..... if we're putting junk food INTO our bodies/physical lives/emotional lives then there's less room, or no room, for better things, IME. Giving yourself permission to turn away from.... as gently as you please..... EVERYTHING you feel like turning away from is powerful internal work, IMO. Releasing yourself from obligations that only you hold..... giving up on people who have shown you who they are, and giving up without sadness.... just giving up IS A RELIEF that is truly welcome, IME. Freeing, and centering, and calming, and it means we have energy form other things, which is a revelation, IME. We don't know how much energy we put into being stuck, or obligated to unworthy people, or harmful people, or places UNTIL we have some distance, and breath free air for a while. ((((TUPP)))) Breath the free air, my friend. It's OK, and you can give yourself that permission..... what a relief it is. To choose whether to feel bad or guilty or just NOT and stop thinking about something before it gets INTO your head, whether it's giving up on friends, or family, or places, or parts of yourself/patterns/coping stretegies that no longer serve you. That the people in your life aren't worthy of your tust and energy is just what it is. It's not good or bad, it's just information you use to base future decisions on, and it's not something you have to figure out or give energy to. You just decide it's not for you, and leave it without giving it any emotional input.... decide it's just a story, and you dismiss it.... turn away in all ways, and DO something that serves you, and leads to what you truly want. You only have so much energy..... it's a precious resource.... use it to your fullest advantage, Tupp.
So. I am going to concentrate on myself and my son healthwise. And that's actually the only job you have right now. That's where your priorities actually live.... it's right, and good, and what you should be doing right now. Yes: )I don't know when or where we'll be moving but I'm going to carry on packing, clearing out and looking for somewhere. That's being proactive, and liming future stress, and strain when the time comes to make the move. YOU WILL MOVE, and you're doing everything you can to make that happen. In it's time it will. Breath, and trust, and pack, and look into the housing options you were looking into.... all will be well. I am going to try and find some time to write every day and work on my stories and my 'can you believe all this crap we've dealt with' book about my experiences as the mum of a disabled child. I'm going to try and find more time to listen to music, browse around second hand shops, learn to play the guitar and just do things that I enjoy. It's funny that's coming up for you now, bc I'm finding that putting down things means there's energy for the creative things, IME..... such a blessing to pick out 6 colors of felt to proceed on an Anime costume I've been working on with dd14, and FEEL like it's just what I'm supposed to be doing where before I felt like I was stealing time from other people, things, activities. It's a tremendous shift to take back our energy, Tupp. To USE it for ourselves, and things that build us up, and feed our souls, IME.
Honestly, your story is a very powerful example of how ITs use the system to torment innocent people. I'm processing and internalizing the different feelings I have for the ITs AND for the people in positions of authority that they've manipulated and paid off in order to harm me and my children. For me, the ITs can't help themselves.... they're so broken, and so beyond repair, but the 3rd party onlookers, court officers, and professionals charged with protecting my children, YOUR SON..... that's something I haven't finished making peace with. I haven't figured out how to make peace with that yet, but I feel it's near.
I think writing it all out, for you, will help you come to terms, make peace, and maybe help people understand this...... IT plague society is afflicted with, but not necessarily even aware of, IMO.
People wise, there are shops and cafes that we use where the staff are always friendly and happy to chat. I'm going to look on that as my social interaction. We're going to a craft group at the library on Friday morning and there's a sports club on Saturday; my son's not really up to sport at the minute but as we've been there before I thought we could just go and say hi to everyone and get a coffee. I'm going to try and put 'people' to the back of my mind and concentrate on us and just having nice chats where I can. I'm too tired to think about it all anymore :) I think you'll have many moments where negative thoughts pop up, during these outings, and you choose to banish them quickly while noting them. I think this will lead to understanding and the ability to choose what you let in, and what you leave behind. YES: )
I do want to say thank you so much to all of you for being there and being so supportive, and to Dr G for making this place happen. I really don't know where I'd be without you all.
I'm making bone broth, I've been simmering since yesterday, and readying chicken pot pie ingredients from dd14's favorite meal of leftover roasted chicken as I read and respond to your post, Tupp. I've kept ahead of creative messes without struggling too much or falling far behind them..... I'm making plans for the future without too much anxiety, which is new. If you were here we'd enjoy this meal together, have coffee, and maybe work on something creative with the kids. Until you have your new 3d friends and family in place.... you have your friends on the board (((Tup and son.)))
Lighter
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Lighter, not only are you very good at the 'quoting in different colours' stuff (which I haven't even attempted to work out how to do), you are putting into words what is floating around in my head but I can't quite get a handle on and pin down myself.
I woke up in the early hours of the morning today and realised that even on waking, my thoughts are instantly turned on to other people and what I should be doing, ought to be doing, doing the 'right' thing, not having people think I'm a bitch and so on. I have been aware of this before but for some reason it's really obvious now and I've spent today pulling my brain back round to me and my boy, what we need, what's best for us and trying to listen to how certain things/events/people make me feel, rather than thinking about how I think I ought to feel. It's like trying not to breathe!
I'm snowed under with things I need to do (genuine things that need doing) and balancing that with resting, having fun with my boy, looking after us both well. I wrote a very long list and divided it into sections - must do, need to do but can wait, want to do but isn't really urgent. And then worked out roughly how long different jobs would take and have tried to break larger tasks down into chunks and balance them out with small, easy jobs (letters that need to be posted, quick email replies to do). I feel that I've achieved more that way. We've been out for lunch and a walk through town, I think I'm going to try and make eating out or going for a coffee a regular thing now. It's a nice break for us, we get to see some friendly faces and it gets me out of cooking a meal which is all good.
I've made some enquiries re my son's health issues and we won't know anything definite until November at the earliest, I think. Even if this current set of tests come back negative they'll want to do those again just to be sure so I think November is the earliest we'll get any kind of answer and, whether the problem turns out to be his epilepsy or this metabolic disorder I think we'll be lucky if everything's sorted out and improving before Christmas.
That's a long time for me to be freaking out constantly so I am just going to have to concentrate on keeping calm and relaxed and looking after us both as best I can. I'm going to write up a list of nice things to do and try and focus on one each time so we've got a nice day out or a couple of nights away to keep looking forward to. I'm going to treat us both to some new clothes as well and just concentrate on having a bit more fun and more of a relaxed time.
I'm trying to put moving to the back of my mind. I'm packing, cleaning and keeping my eyes open but I'm trying not to make it the be all and end all at the moment. It will come when it's ready, and if I'm ready to it will be all good.
People wise, I'm doing okay. I'm trying to bring my mind back to me when I start thinking about others and trying not to concern myself too much with how it makes me feel - notice it and let it go. My sister did text this morning to ask how we were, I did reply but I'm of the opinion that texting is for quick catch up info, not for deep and meaningfuls, and I can't do deep and meaningful with my sister because she's constantly shouting at either the dog or the kids if we're on the phone so - it is what it is. I replied, she replied and that was that. Same with a friend who got in touch this morning - I replied, that was the end of that. If people can't pick the phone up then I really can't be bothered at the mo. I had a nice chat with the cat :)
Still very tired but hoping to sleep tonight! Finally. I think I've got to the point where I'm too tired not to sleep now.
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Tupps, it sounds like you've found a good way to balance everything out right now. Don't be afraid to change your system or the mix of things, as your situation changes; and keep an opening somewhere for the genuinely good folk to just pop in from time to time.
Take things one moment at a time and be present in each moment, as best you can.
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I am so with you Tupp, on the emptiness I feel when someone texts me. I also grieve the sound of a friendly voice, the laughter, the overlaps as we talk, the stumbles and recoveries and the natural human exchange of voice and ear. ESPECIALLY in hard times.
I think to myself, they are holding a phone. Could they please hit "call" instead of holding me at arms' length by texting? This article was very helpful to me and hope it'll connect for you (makes you see you are NOT alone in that social frustration):
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html)
And this indicates a different reality, which makes me think that my expectations may be tripping me up. If I'm lonely it may be something about how I communicate, that leads to others (basically nice people but not PHamily-friends) choosing text over calls. Hmmm.
I kind of think both scenarios are true.
I know that it's very hard, when you are in desperate straits, not to feel abandoned...and not to judge everybody because of your pain. That is so human.
(Don't give up on people but please do try a 3-D support group, or more than one...)
Love and comfort,
Hops
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I am so with you Tupp, on the emptiness I feel when someone texts me. I also grieve the sound of a friendly voice, the laughter, the overlaps as we talk, the stumbles and recoveries and the natural human exchange of voice and ear. ESPECIALLY in hard times.
I think to myself, they are holding a phone. Could they please hit "call" instead of holding me at arms' length by texting? This article was very helpful to me and hope it'll connect for you (makes you see you are NOT alone in that social frustration):
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html (http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_next_20/2016/09/what_s_lost_when_telephone_calls_disappear.html)
And this indicates a different reality, which makes me think that my expectations may be tripping me up. If I'm lonely it may be something about how I communicate, that leads to others (basically nice people but not PHamily-friends) choosing text over calls. Hmmm.
I kind of think both scenarios are true.
I know that it's very hard, when you are in desperate straits, not to feel abandoned...and not to judge everybody because of your pain. That is so human.
(Don't give up on people but please do try a 3-D support group, or more than one...)
Love and comfort,
Hops
Thanks Hops.
I think for me it's whether texting is the only form of communication I have with that person. I have a friend who lives about a forty five minutes away and we see each other about once a month. We have a good, face to face catch up then and keep in touch in between by text. I don't have a problem with that at all. Similarly I have another friend an hour away, we probably talk on the phone once a month, see each other three or four times a year and keep in touch via text in between that. Again, it's not a problem for me.
But I think I'm at that stage where I am evaluating relationships and looking at friends who I rarely, if ever speak to on the phone (because they're always too busy), rarely see (because they live too far away) and thinking, if the odd text is the only contact we have, what is the point? This person is no longer a friend. And particularly when they hear terrible news, to not pick the phone up? This person is no longer the sort of person I want to be friends with.
I am starting to realise that I need depth in people. I like being around people who think, who have time for others and who can put themselves in someone else's shoes and not have to arrange the whole world to suit their purpose the whole time. I like people who consider what they're doing instead of mindlessly doing what everyone else is doing and people who notice what's going on around them. I know people who I used to consider friends who now haven't heard from me in three or four years. Have any of them noticed? I can only assume that either they haven't, or they have but aren't interested anyway. And I don't want to fill my time up with people like that anymore. I've been thinking more and more about my son and realising that, if this diagnosis does turn out to be bad, there are people I don't want to tell because I know their reaction will annoy or upset me. I feel obliged to tell them, but I don't want to. And I'm just wondering how I've managed to surround myself with so many people that I don't actually want to be around?
We had a nice walk in the sunshine yesterday morning. We went to a cafe we know and chatted with the people at the next table. The waitress in the cafe is lovely and always makes an effort to talk to my son about whichever book he's reading at the time. We popped in to the grocers and the lady on the till was lovely. Then we came home and I spent the afternoon reading while my son watched a film. I did us both a nice meal, the heavy shopping was delivered and the delivery man was very sweet and polite. It was all in all a very nice day with lots of nice people in it and I realised as I went to bed it was nice because I wasn't upset or disappointed by someone who knows me making it clear they don't have time for me. I didn't try and contact anyone and no-one contacted me and it was nice. I'm going to keep trying this method for a while and see how things go :)
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Tupps, I've been struggling with this for a long time - this friends thing. And the back & forth between do I really LIKE this person... and do they really LIKE me... or are they just being cocktail party or professional polite? What about me? Am I that way too and would I rather just go cocoon myself in my fuzzy pants & slippers in front of a movie or read a book?
I keep revisiting that decision-point you're talking about - is there anything "nutritious" in your connection with a person? and if not, why bother? why not just go about your business and not let yourself fall into the mental trap, of thinking you need to fill all your time/space with people... just to say you did?
And I do notice, like Hops said, that when there IS something mutually nutritious about a relationship or even simply people working together or occupying the same moment of life... there really is something special on a subconscious, instinctive level. Maybe my anxiety lessens, or I relax, or simply do the f2f human dance...
there's something to that, that is more satisfying than being able to marshall and master the words on the screen to express oneself, explain, and communicate.
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Tupps, I've been struggling with this for a long time - this friends thing. And the back & forth between do I really LIKE this person... and do they really LIKE me... or are they just being cocktail party or professional polite? What about me? Am I that way too and would I rather just go cocoon myself in my fuzzy pants & slippers in front of a movie or read a book?
I keep revisiting that decision-point you're talking about - is there anything "nutritious" in your connection with a person? and if not, why bother? why not just go about your business and not let yourself fall into the mental trap, of thinking you need to fill all your time/space with people... just to say you did?
And I do notice, like Hops said, that when there IS something mutually nutritious about a relationship or even simply people working together or occupying the same moment of life... there really is something special on a subconscious, instinctive level. Maybe my anxiety lessens, or I relax, or simply do the f2f human dance...
there's something to that, that is more satisfying than being able to marshall and master the words on the screen to express oneself, explain, and communicate.
There's definitely something on a subconscious level, I think, and I'm noticing it more and more and maybe that's why I am much keener on 'proper' talking than texting, because you need that 3D effect to make it a more fulfilling experience, perhaps?
I've just had a really nice chat with a friend on the phone. I mentioned her in an earlier post - she lives about an hour away, we catch up on the phone once a month or so, see each other a few times a year and it's just comfortable. I feel comfortable with her, she's relaxed, she likes a laugh but equally has a very level view of the world and can have a good deep and meaningful convo as well. She's thoughtful but what I really like about her is that she has a way of talking that is just quite balanced and doesn't provoke a response? I told her the news about my son; she's reacted calmly, saying (I'm paraphrasing here but just to give the gist), I know this is tough but you're a good mum, you'll help him through this, a lot of other parents would never have coped up until now but you've kept going and you're the best person to be his mum. She just has that good balance of speaking; she's not patronising or anxious to change the subject quickly, she just says something that's both soothing and meaningful and I really like that. I feel good after I've spoken to her, I don't come off the phone feeling anxious or worn out or cross about something that's been said, or wishing I hadn't bothered to make the call. She's like a really good well balanced meal that fills you up without making you feel bloated :) I'm not sure whether she'd take that as a compliment, lol, but you know what I mean :) So perhaps I need to just focus on how the person makes me feel, intentionally or otherwise? I think focusing on me rather than them is the bit I struggle with.
Will try and do more activity related stuff with people; there are couple of things going on locally over the next couple of weeks so I'm going to go along and try them out and see how it goes :)
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....perhaps I need to just focus on how the person makes me feel, intentionally or otherwise? I think focusing on me rather than them is the bit I struggle with.
Boy, can I relate. I am so so fragile sometimes when it comes to friendship, particularly with women, that when a friend is unresponsive (or chooses the shallow track when I'm eager for depth) it activates such oooooooold deep bruises. I will pace my house muttering about what's wrong with them and nurse my hurt and it just feels AWFUL.
This year I've been working through something entirely inside myself about one friendship I struggled with whether to abandon or dump. This person and I bonded intensely over our Nmothers about 10 years ago. She was eager to get together fairly regularly and expressed strong affection and interest in our close friendship ("sisters"). Then...her aged Nmother moved to town. My friend ballooned, withdrew, got depressed (all of which I totally understood) AND completely dropped any effort to connect. She was happy to see me on rare occasions but never, ever would initiate beyond the vague-est ("We must get together") kinds of texts. Would send a "ping" of a signal but shy away from committing to a 3-D visit. I began to feel as though she only reached out when SHE needed ME. (I still think that's true but am in a different place about it today.)
Unfortunately, her crisis and depression overlapped mine. And I felt so hurt I might as well have been 8 years old again, surrounded by Mean Girls who kept their backs to me.
So, now it's several years after the rhythm and reliability of that relationship changed. It was a struggle but I eventually realized that the only way I could continue to enjoy her, because I do care about her (and her hubs)...would be to accept that friendship with her was not going to be 50-50. Ever. Not even 60-40, more like 80-20. But that when I do get together with her/them there's going to be a lot of pleasure in talk (both very smart) and she and I share so much history and knowledge of each other that there's still value in that familiarity.
I think the most important thing was realizing that she couldn't help it. She is wired the way she's wired and she just didn't need me as much as I needed her. I can be angry about it or go find other friends to meet my closeness needs. Over time, that's what I've done, and some of the new friends I've made in the last few years have made me realize it's never too late to make a friend and there's always the possibility of Real Sharing. I just have to offer it but not get angry and ancient-bruise-hurt when someone isn't available for it.
(Or if I do...recognize that that emotional response belongs to me, not them.) It's been brutal inner work but I really have made progress.
You are too, Tupp. Recognize that the disappointment, abandonment and sheer pain you're feeling are real. They don't have to be "justified". There's no courtroom with barristers pitching a case for who's "right." You just feel as you feel, and it's real and you can recognize the feelings, hang onto yourself when they ride through.
I've been learning mindfulness meditation from a Great Courses DVD series. It's all evidence-based (science) rather than any woo. One of the things I realize, from the Harvard professor's narration...is that it actually has a great deal to say about relationship, and being human. I'm liking it a lot. Scattered and spotty about the practice so far, but even brief minutes of it change my day.
Love to you,
Hops
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....perhaps I need to just focus on how the person makes me feel, intentionally or otherwise? I think focusing on me rather than them is the bit I struggle with.
Boy, can I relate. I am so so fragile sometimes when it comes to friendship, particularly with women, that when a friend is unresponsive (or chooses the shallow track when I'm eager for depth) it activates such oooooooold deep bruises. I will pace my house muttering about what's wrong with them and nurse my hurt and it just feels AWFUL.
This year I've been working through something entirely inside myself about one friendship I struggled with whether to abandon or dump. This person and I bonded intensely over our Nmothers about 10 years ago. She was eager to get together fairly regularly and expressed strong affection and interest in our close friendship ("sisters"). Then...her aged Nmother moved to town. My friend ballooned, withdrew, got depressed (all of which I totally understood) AND completely dropped any effort to connect. She was happy to see me on rare occasions but never, ever would initiate beyond the vague-est ("We must get together") kinds of texts. Would send a "ping" of a signal but shy away from committing to a 3-D visit. I began to feel as though she only reached out when SHE needed ME. (I still think that's true but am in a different place about it today.)
Unfortunately, her crisis and depression overlapped mine. And I felt so hurt I might as well have been 8 years old again, surrounded by Mean Girls who kept their backs to me.
So, now it's several years after the rhythm and reliability of that relationship changed. It was a struggle but I eventually realized that the only way I could continue to enjoy her, because I do care about her (and her hubs)...would be to accept that friendship with her was not going to be 50-50. Ever. Not even 60-40, more like 80-20. But that when I do get together with her/them there's going to be a lot of pleasure in talk (both very smart) and she and I share so much history and knowledge of each other that there's still value in that familiarity.
I think the most important thing was realizing that she couldn't help it. She is wired the way she's wired and she just didn't need me as much as I needed her. I can be angry about it or go find other friends to meet my closeness needs. Over time, that's what I've done, and some of the new friends I've made in the last few years have made me realize it's never too late to make a friend and there's always the possibility of Real Sharing. I just have to offer it but not get angry and ancient-bruise-hurt when someone isn't available for it.
(Or if I do...recognize that that emotional response belongs to me, not them.) It's been brutal inner work but I really have made progress.
You are too, Tupp. Recognize that the disappointment, abandonment and sheer pain you're feeling are real. They don't have to be "justified". There's no courtroom with barristers pitching a case for who's "right." You just feel as you feel, and it's real and you can recognize the feelings, hang onto yourself when they ride through.
I've been learning mindfulness meditation from a Great Courses DVD series. It's all evidence-based (science) rather than any woo. One of the things I realize, from the Harvard professor's narration...is that it actually has a great deal to say about relationship, and being human. I'm liking it a lot. Scattered and spotty about the practice so far, but even brief minutes of it change my day.
Love to you,
Hops
Yes I've nodded all the way through that, Hops! Particularly about people reaching out when they need you; I think that's been the basis for a lot of my relationships over the years. I'm starting to think/feel that........... my tendency to do everything in my head (rather than in my heart) and my sort of blank canvas personality (necessary for mother to take what she needed on demand) has meant that I just sort of soak up other people when it's convenient for them. Looking back over the years most of my friendships existed only within the realms of the environment at the time (school, uni, work) and didn't survive beyond that. When I had my son there were a lot of new friendships created through mum and baby groups but none of these carried on after the mums went back to work. Similarly I meet people now via disability groups but they only want 'friends' during the day when their husbands and real friends are at work.
I think perhaps I need to 'go selfish' for a few months and really focus on myself and nobody else (apart from my boy). Try some new hobbies, try and get involved in some group things (and try to focus on just doing things with others rather than wanting to make friends). I do really need to focus on my health; I am so wiped out it's taking every ounce of effort just to get out of bed. I do think some of that's to do with the menopause so I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow to talk about whether an anti anxiety/anti-depressant or some sort of hormone help would be beneficial. But I also think I need to work on hobbies and interests, try and meet some new people (just to practise talking to new people skills) and just try not to be so dependent on other people making me feel better about myself.
Love to you, too xx
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You're thinking very rationally, sanely, imo Tupp. I like this a lot:
focus on just doing things with others rather than wanting to make friends
Children of Ns are all Cinderellas, and when we never (ever) get the carriage, ball, and prince...I think after a time, and particularly when Life is hitting us with so many pies in the face that we're choking...our needs really are big. And it takes big-hearted, big-minded, big-charactered people to see that and not run from it.
I think taking a just-doing-things-with-others approach in group situations for a while could be very tonic for you. When you go into a group with the Will They Like Me I Need a Friend thing zooming around and around your brain, it comes out of your body language and eyeballs. Most people, even good ones, do feel uncomfortable. (Alas.)
But when your focus is What Are We Going to Do Today? What Will I Learn While We're Doing This? Right, How Can I Help? (not drama, notice-this help, just...sure here's the tea). That's different. That's just being one puppy in the basket of puppies, alive, part of the pile. This may sound weird but I think you can rest in that.
Man, couldn't be much more incoherent if I tried. 'Sposed to be a poet! (Fail...)
That's why I'm making myself go back to church these days. I stopped for a loooooong time, as I don't enjoy our current minister. But I was really missing the human experience of sitting in the group. A good group. My peeps. So now I draw or (newly) meditate during his shallow sermons, but I'm breathing along with the sanctuary-full. I sit next to people, we have quiet moments, we hear music (great pianist), sometimes we stand up and sing, there are always some readings I like, the space and natural light are lovely, the "accent walls" are a blue I have always loved, some little kid has an amazing smile, some old one wears wacky scarves...some have lost unutterably, some are prosperous, some are poor, someone always hugs me, and some stray newcomer is always glad I say hello or show them where the coffee is.
That's really enough for me to require of religious community. I'm barely religious, but pretty embedded in that human group. Some of my best friendships (including the difficult one I chronicled--AND healthier more reciprocal ones) have come from there. But even when I'm not feeling closely connected, just the repeated ritual of the shared sitting...is comforting. I think it's good for me as an animal. Human animal. We need each other even when we can't get it right. We still do. Yielding to that need to let yourself exist in a group is healing. Painful sometimes, but still, it's strengthening your being in a way, I believe.
Perhaps a support group or AlAnon or other kind of group could come to feel the same way. As could shared volunteer groups, etc. Hope you'll find your way to some group things that meet that tribal need for you, Tupp. Support flows from that. The tribe needs to absorb you so they can. It's not even conscious to a group. You just keep turning up and you are a part of it.
love
Hops
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I like the idea of being a puppy within a group of puppies, Hops :)
Your church situation sounds nice. It is difficult when one person unsettles a group. I've left a lot of things over the years because one or two people were just doing my head in. It is a shame when that happens. There are a few things going on that I'm going to go along to, even if it's just for half an hour (in fact, that appeals to me because it's fairly easy to do anything for half an hour, isn't it?). So yes, I'm going to try and just enjoy it for what it is and not be thinking about whether I'll make a new friend from it.
I have enjoyed being selfish today! Other than cooking up some nice food, I've done nothing but read, watch TV and nap and it's been lovely. I've resisted the temptation to make duty calls to people to show them how 'thoughtful' I am and that I haven't forgotten that something's happening in their life at the moment. I was scrolling through my phone and I did notice that I have different reactions to seeing people's names. Some people I just don't want to be in touch with anymore - there's just nothing there. Others I like but view as acquantainces rather than close friends and I think it's good to have some people like that in your life - meeting for a coffee friendships but not much more. Some made me feel angry and I think what's happened with some people is that they've been very keen to be around me when they're going through a difficult time but once the situation has improved they've dropped me. That's stirring up a lot of anger so I'm going to have to think that through a bit and work on letting it go. Not entirely sure what it all means but it will come in time.
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Tupp:
Maybe it will help if you write letters to the people you have anger towards. Of course you won't need to send them to internalize how you actually feel and make peace with.
((((Tupp))))
Lighter
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Tupp:
Maybe it will help if you write letters to the people you have anger towards. Of course you won't need to send them to internalize how you actually feel and make peace with.
((((Tupp))))
Lighter
Hi Lighter :)
I'm trying to put my feelings into poems and short stories at the minute, as well as trying to write lovely short stories with a view to trying some story telling and/or performance poetry in the future. One of the things I was talking about with my T (who is on hold for the time being as there is too much else going on) was about writing and putting how I feel down on paper and she said "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could help girls who've been sexually abused through creative writing and performance?" And the idea has just really stuck with me; wouldn't it be amazing to find a way for your horrible experiences to help someone else whilst giving you a chance to work through them as well? So I've loosely got something like that in the back of my mind (although to be honest if anyone reads some of the stuff about my step-dad I might get arrested, lol).
I am still trying to be selfish! I am finding it helpful and difficult in equal measure. I am definitely coping better at home. The house is tidier, things are getting done, I'm making small dents in big projects and generally feeling more on top of things and in control because I'm not running around aimlessly. I am trying to find 'something' to do each day that is more community based and just to generally be a bit more sociable via cafes and coffee shops so that I don't have to rely on individuals for conversation. I have noticed that whenever I start chatting to someone when we're out and I conscious that they might find me boring or annoying and that sort of interrupts my head so I'm trying to work on that a bit.
I am trying to meditate every day and to do a bit of exercise and that seems to be going okay. There's a UK based forum that I've been using for alternative type people and I'm finding that interesting and seeing some different perspectives.
Healthwise things aren't great and my son's under two different hospitals, neither of which are doing anything useful at the moment. It's frustrating and is raising old memories so I'm trying to just tap away at that as well. He's okay in himself so that's the main thing.
I am feeling distance between myself and a couple of friends and I'm trying not to think about it too much and just let it be what it is. I'm trying to focus on me, what I want, what's best for my son and appreciate nice things when they happen. I am finding it quite hard work! Lol, but getting there slowly :)
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The next step in healing is teaching.
I love the idea of your writing stories that help others.
Tupp...
amazing mom, and wounded healer.
::nod::
Lighter
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Thank you Lighter :)
I am still struggling and still finding myself very up and down with the situation.
I had to make a formal (and very long complaint) and ask for a different doctor. There have been various problems along the way, culminating with the doctor, yet again, blaming me for his delays in doing the things he said he would do. Too much to post about in detail (and I'm in that bluergh, I can't be bothered to go through it all again mode) but suffice to say I don't have confidence in him and don't feel I'll be able to work with him long term with regards to my son as he isn't truthful about situations and blaming me for his mistakes (and this was in a letter to another doctor as well, it reminded me of something I've read about, triangulation, is it called? When you get other people on your side in a situation? I feel like they're circling the wagons again). I am aware that I'm very sensitive about this sort of thing because of what's happened before but for that reason I don't react immediately, I do have a friend who works for the health service and who also has two disabled children so I talk things through with her. That way I get the professional and the personal view and as she understands how the system works from the inside she is very good at advising me on the best way to move forward. So I don't think I'm being rash and hysterical; the situation's been going on for twelve weeks now and I have tried a number of times to resolve the situation informally. Anyway, it is stressing me out and worrying me but it is what it is and hopefully things will move forward now.
I am trying to concentrate more on how I feel rather than what I think and trying to take time out during the day and evening to just sit and not do much. I am completely exhausted all of the time and things have just been difficult for too long. I'm aware I've been eating too much rubbish so have been trying again to make healthy eating a priority and I'm trying to get out more. We were going to go to a group thing today but I have decided to postpone till next week as I really feel resting today is more important than socialising.
I am still trying to keep my boundaries in place with people. I had a nice day with a friend earlier in the week over at her house and we're getting together with the kids over the half term holiday. My sister texted me yesterday to tell me that she'd heard our brother had got married.
My sister and I barely speak any more as we fell out over her not making any effort with my son, amongst other things (I think I've moaned about it on here before,lol). We're not at loggerheads but I wasn't willing to keep doing all the running and since I stopped she's not done anything so we just don't talk anymore. She hasn't spoken to our brother for years and wants nothing to do with him; I do Christmas and birthdays with him and pop round the odd time if I'm in the area but other than that we're not in contact.
I took some time to think about how to respond and my feeling was that she's just getting in touch to gossip or because she thinks I'll know more and she wants me to tell her. I am not interested in the family gossip; my life is always better when I have no knowledge of my family, lol. She makes no effort to keep in touch in any other way, nor does she ask after my boy. So I just texted back that I didn't know anything about it, to which she said she'd find out more and let me know, and my reply to that was please don't, I don't want to know.
I feel I have spent the last ten years trying to get people to see things my way and it is time for me to accept that we all see the world differently and that I have to go and look for people on my wavelength rather than trying to get the people I already know to change to accommodate me. Now that I've written that down it seems blindingly obvious but for some reason it has always eluded me and I have felt desperate for years for people that I care about to change so that I can be part of their life without having to go back to my self-destructive habits. It is time to move on and I can see that now, although I still feel my heart pinging when I think about it.
On a completely different topic (and just because I thought this was so sweet) we were in town yesterday and there was a lady sitting outside a coffee shop with a pony. She had a coffee and the pony had an apple. She is a petting pony, so they take her around to schools and hospitals and homes for older people, that sort of thing. She was just adorable and was quite happy standing in a busy street with all manner of people coming up and making a fuss of her. The lady was really lovely and friendly, we had a long chat and she said they do a lot of work with disabled children so she was very good with my boy and easy to talk to. These are the sort of people I would like to spend time with. This lady lives a very long way away so not very practical in terms of making new friends but it did feel like a bit of a sign that I need to get out there a bit more and keep my eyes open for good people to get to know :)
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(((Tupp)))
I'm making breakfast for dd, but wanted to say that I'm glad you have a friend in health services to guide and keep you level. Things just go out of focus when our children's wellbeing is threatened... nice to have help getting back to center, IME.
I'm so sorry things have to be difficult. Remember to document everything, as you likely do out of habit. Sometimes good people do bad things without meaning to, and sometimes bad people are in positions of trust and authority by design. Try not to step on his ego as you go....he may be the type to win at all costs if he's the latter, and it would be better if he could just release you and your son to another doctor without feeling the need to destroy you, KWIM? Verbal jujitsu.... it's a powerful tool to SAY something non threatening and still get the result you want.
Also, it would be good if you could keep in touch with the pony and her lady. Wouldn't it be nice to know when they'll be in town so you can share a cup of tea and apple?
(((((Tupp and son))))))
Lighter
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Hiya Lighter, yes, you're absolutely right on all accounts. I do have pony lady's email details so can keep in touch, also realised she's not actually too far from someone else I know in that part of the country, small world and all that!
Everything documented, always do, have learnt that from experience. Have requested different doctor, complaints department have got back to me and won't finish their 'investigation' until almost the end of November. The complaint was really to get information I need now and to get paperwork corrected so end of next month is of no practical use. Am going to leave it over the weekend but I think next week I'll just correct the letter myself and send it in and call the unit he has been transferred to now to see if they can answer the questions I have. I just need to know more so that I can make this as easy as possible for him to deal with, he's been through so much this year and we're both completely frazzled. So basically it looks like I'll be investigating my own complaint, lol, we might have to see that doc once more if they don't sort this out before the end of next month so I'll just have to suck that up. Longer term we won't be under this hospital anyway as we will move out of the area (one day!) so we'll just have to muddle though as best we can until he at least gets put on some medication to control the seizures.
Did your legal case all get settled or are you still waiting for more info to come back? How are Halloween preparations going?
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Daring to hope here but...................................we might have a local authority home (ie cheap and with a very long lease; basically they don't chuck you out unless you refuse to pay your rent or grow drugs in the garden).
It's not definite yet but everything is looking good. It's about ten miles from where we live now so we can keep the same medical team (not that they've been very good but changing will delay things even further) but it's far enough away that I won't bump into all these people from the past. Mum and step-dad won't know where we are which will be heavenly and even better is it's a small group of properties down a little cul de sac so they won't be able to do drive bys as they do now. It's walking distance to the village and there are good bus and train links, plus we'll be about ten minutes from a lovely town that we visit a lot and about twenty five minutes from the next big city where there is plenty going on and lots to keep us busy. Am being cautiously excited and will let you all know if I get good news :)
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OK..... I'm being cautiously optimistic for you too, ((Tupp.))
I have to say that the situation sounds very.......
much..... improved.
The distance from present location. CHECK.
The hospital location. CHECK.
Central. CHECK.
Good transportation. CHECK.
Stable and long term once you're in. CHECK.
Now, if it's meant to be it will happen for you.
If not, there's somewhere else you're meant to be.
I hope you find out very soon, my dear.
About my legals...... I believe they're about to be over. I remain cautiously hopeful about my situation as well: )
Lighter
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Fingers and toes crossed until they're cramping
with hopes for you (youse!).
Truly, sending it all aloft.
Hops
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Aw, thank you both :)
We went to have a mooch about today. The village is nice, mostly flat which is good for the wheelchair. The flat is literally a ten minute walk from the village centre and the train station so really good for getting around. It's incredibly quiet! And as we walked back from the flat to the village again there's a beautiful view of miles of forest and fields (where we live at the moment it's houses in every direction).
We saw a path and wandered off it to see where it led and there's a park with a big duck pond, tennis court, play equipment for the kids and some sort of club house, probably bowls or something like that? But it was lovely, very pretty, people were sitting on benches eating their lunch so there are actually people to make small talk with! Currently I try and avoid people where I live now rather than talk to them so that will be a novelty.
There's an allotment and a community centre at the end of the road. There seems to be quite a lot going on locally and I saw a couple of volunteer opportunities that I'd look into if we move there. They were advertising a harvest festival art and craft session for kids and asking people to bring donations for the food bank. Where I live now I'd avoid that sort of thing because I see so many people I don't like it makes me anxious, but somewhere new I'd definitely be up for giving that a go. With regards to the allotments, I don't think I'd have the time to take one on but perhaps we could give someone a hand and learn a bit that way?
All in all it seems really lovely, the only downside seems to be that there isn't really any parking near the flat and we'd have to park and walk a bit. It's not the end of the world; hopefully we'll be walking and using the bus more than driving and as everything else is looking promising I think I would be silly to pass it up because of a parking space. Anyway, still waiting to hear about a date to go and view so will let you know :)
Lighter, I'm glad the legal situation is looking like it might be ending and will keep everything crossed that it resolves without too much more hassle.
Hopsie, thank you for your kind thoughts and how is the job going now?
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Hi Tupp:
I had two thoughts.
1. The neighborhood and situation sounds very much like a British Gilmore Girls..... lovely.
2. If you find your space in the sun..... is the caravan still a necessary item on your list of useful things?
I mean..... for what you spend in money, time and worry.... could you rent a caravan for a week or 2 every year and trek off on adventures without the worry and expense? Would it be more cost effective to do that? Food for thought, for surely I don't know. Just say'in.
Lighter
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Lol, it is very 'British', I think it's probably the sort of place that people think of when they think of English country villages :) There's a nice feel to it, we explored a bit more yesterday, there's a nice flat, wheelchair friendly walk along a river as well and regular buses into town so it would be much easier practically and I think I would be a lot less grumpy :)
The campervan has been/is great; we've been using it like a mobile school. We've got books and craft supplies in there and being able to pull up somewhere, do a bit of work and then cook lunch is lovely. I'm hoping next year to do some work at festivals, providing my son's health has stabilised by then so it will be a godsend for that, plus it is just really good fun to drive :)
I've not actually heard any more yet and I was told they'd ring before the end of the week so I will have to chase them up later. Little bit nervous now it might not happen but still keeping everything else crossed :)
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The flat is ours if we want it. The people vacate in a week's time, we can view it the week after that, they've already sent me the tenancy agreement and the only reason I'd refuse it now is if it's derelict so it looks like we're moving next month :)
Goodbye horrible people from the past, bad memories and constant reminders of all sorts of things I want to leave behind me now.
Also saw a doctor today who has finally been helpful. We've got some emergency medication for the seizures now. Still no closer to preventative meds or knowing whether he has this life threatening thing or not but at least one thing has been done.
Time to relax and pack over the weekend and then start badgering the doctors again next week.
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YESSSS!
So glad you have a chance at the flat and hope it passes inspection.
You sound drained, Tupp, and it's easy to understand why.
GET GOOD REST TONIGHT.
One day at a time.
Hugs
Hops
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Drained is exactly the right word, Hops, I feel that every last ounce of energy, physical, mental, emotional and any other kind you can think of has gone. But.................I also feel that we have finally turned a corner and that someone has said "okay, that's enough. Let's make life a bit easier now". The flat will make life a lot easier day to day in a practical sense and I won't be as tense and anxious all the time. The doctors have finally started doing something useful and having emergency meds at home will be a weight of my mind as well. My 'not wasting time on draining people' thing seems to be helping and I am losing the guilt at not doing what other people want. So all in all good steps forward :)
How are things going with your job? x
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Whoo hoo! The place is yours Tupp, and you're moving if you want! This is such good news....
::already picturing the quaint village preparations for Christmas festivities and decorations..::
The new doctor being helpful sounds like it's taken a lot of stress off your shoulders... a blessing when our children are involved IME.
I didn't realize the caravan was all patched up and working order quite so much. Such good
If art supplies are involved..... count me in!
Having a mobile classroom makes it a very necessary resource I should think.
((((Tupp and son))))
Lighter
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Whoo hoo! The place is yours Tupp, and you're moving if you want! This is such good news....
::already picturing the quaint village preparations for Christmas festivities and decorations..::
The new doctor being helpful sounds like it's taken a lot of stress off your shoulders... a blessing when our children are involved IME.
I didn't realize the caravan was all patched up and working order quite so much. Such good
If art supplies are involved..... count me in!
Having a mobile classroom makes it a very necessary resource I should think.
((((Tupp and son))))
Lighter
Things really seem to be taking a turn for the better, Lighter, it's amazing! Two friends have offered to help with packing/moving stuff. I'm pretty well organised already as we'd been planning to go for ages so there isn't a terrible amount to do but it's always nice to do things with somebody rather than on your own. We'll have more money as we won't need to pay a deposit on this place, plus our fuel costs will go down as we'll be able to walk a lot more (which also means my tummy might go down a bit, lol) :) Feeling excited and looking forward to it :)
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Ahhhhhhh I wish I could help too, Tupp. I'm so excited for you. Is your ds happy about the move too?
Light
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Ahhhhhhh I wish I could help too, Tupp. I'm so excited for you. Is your ds happy about the move too?
Light
Thanks, Lighter :)
He doesn't really understand. We moved around a lot when he was little which he doesn't really remember so it's not something that he's 'done' before in any way he can remember and, because of his autism, he only really understands things that he's done. So he's aware it's happening; his only concern really was whether the cat was coming and if he was bringing all his toys; I said yes to both so he went back to reading his book. It will benefit him a lot but mostly because it will be so much easier for me, which will improve his life but of course he tends to think in terms of Lego sets :) I'll get him a new Lego set to keep him busy while I unpack and then he'll get excited, lol.
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Congrats, sounds exciting :)
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Congrats, sounds exciting :)
Thank you, G, it is exciting :) How are things with you?
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Just to update -
I've had a really funny few days. Have felt really panicky, exhausted, very bad tempered and judgemental. Did my usual bizarre thing of reaching out to men from my past because I suddenly felt desperate for a boyfriend (damn Facebook!). And then spent too much time looking at other people's wonderful profiles and comparing my life to theirs, always a recipe for disaster.
Realised this morning that although I really want to move I am also really frightened. Partly, I think, because moving usually triggers my mum so practically she can cause problems. Partly because moaning about your situation is at least safe and I can blame my empty life on where I live and moving will mean (a) I'll be in the same boat because the problem is with me, not with the house or, even more frightening (b) I might actually be happy?! Anyway, it was one of those moments when I realised how I felt and once I'd realised it it seemed really obvious. Had a bit of a cry, cuddled the cat (who always comes to me when I cry, even if she's in a different room she seems to know and comes in to give me a cuddle - isn't that funny?) and then we've been out for the day so feel fine now - much more positive and with it and feeling quite refreshed now.
Still haven't got a definite date but I'm packing, clearing and cleaning and it's all going well so still hoping it will be sooner rather than later :)
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((((Giving Tupp another cuddle))))
It's always a mistake to compare lives with other people, IME.
If you can just nip it in the bud, before the comparisons start, things get better, IMO.
I try to remember not to do it to myself.......
try to tell myself "it's just a story" and move on with my day.
It does help......
to just not go there, IME.
About the crying...... it's right and good and exactly how it needs to be when the tears come, IMO.
If tears want out, they need out, ((Tupp)).
I'm glad you have a lovely kitty in your life. Many kitties are all ME ME ME, kwim?
Keep us updated on the move, and don't spend too much time worrying about your family.
Just do what you can, and know that's all you can do.
Light
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Tupp, it's true - the tears can't be denied without causing emotional side-effects. Giving in, seems to always lower my anxiety levels and clear the tangles in my head too. Sometimes, a person is just TIRED... especially if we're a tad "driven" to get to the light that seems to always be at the end of some tunnel.
Being able to give in to the tears, means you stay more "human" in the process. Moving is HARD - and it's a multi-level kind of experience. There's utilities, the packing (the purging), the coordinating, physical exertion, puzzling out how to do things on your own -- and being able to see when to call in extra hands.
I have that same recurring idea that moving somewhere else will provide new opportunities & challenges that will let me change a few resistent things about myself. I know, intellectually, it's not true... so I think it's some sort of emotional wish instead. Or fantasy. There is only so much that can be done, with what I'm starting with as "material" to be anything, you know? But maybe it would be a good idea to make a great big note to self... to postpone letting this spend any time in my brain until I am completely moved, and then take as much time as needed to give it the attention it deserves.
Meanwhile - it's really important that you are able to recognize that you've worked so hard at the process, that you're getting tired... and you need a "me" break. That is the hardest thing for me, since I DO have a deadline... and every day... the obstacles/challenges change around here. I'm trying to push myself now - not beyond exhaustion; mini-breaks allowed when I get to milestones, like a whole room done - so I can rest before heading up the road.
Today's business aspect of moving - making the appt to get phone-tv-internet, or at least find out what's available... and LOTS more packing.
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Cuddles are always appreciated, Lighter, thank you :)
The comparing myself to others is almost like self harm, I think. I know I shouldn't do it, I know it will only make me feel bad and I do avoid it most of the time but it is one of those things I tend to do when things get tough. Wanting to be rescued, I suppose, along with confirming to myself that I am a failure. Not a good mind set and one that I am working to avoid getting into too often.
The cat is funny, she thinks she's a dog! Pets are a huge comfort, I can understand why people end up with dozens of them. She is cute and cuddly when it matters; other times she's very aloof and standoffish but she seems to sense when I need comfort and gives it to me, bless her.
Skep you are right about needing me time and yes, crying does let things out, it's another thing I know is okay but still feel guilty when I do it. Shaming from childhood again; my mum used to get cross if I cried and always had something more important to do. Comfort was usually a bar of chocolate shoved in my face. There was no space to talk about it. When I cried for my dad she said he'd be in pain if he was still alive and I felt guilty for wanting him there. She never learnt to deal with it herself and so couldn't help me. Hopefully I've not passed it on to my son! I hope you got your internet and phone sorted!
Anyway - to update further - things are going much better now :) We collect the keys in a week's time and will move in officially three days after that, although will start moving things in over that weekend anyway. I didn't actually see the inside of the flat until last week and I knew I would take it anyway because of where it is and just because it means I can be away from here, but I had assumed it would be quite small and poky and would need a lot of TLC to make it nice. I couldn't have been more wrong! It's a beautiful flat, very spacious and airy, incredibly light and lovely views from each window. It's not overlooked (first floor flat) and it's on a no through road so I will have privacy, which I haven't had living here as we're on a main path and everyone walks past my house to get where they need to go. My parents won't be able to do drive bys or pump my nosy neighbours for information about us :) It has a beautiful garden, very big and it backs on to woodland and is surrounded by trees and bushes so again, very private. There's a paved area and the previous tenants have left behind an iron garden table and a fire pit. There are two sheds; I didn't have a chance to investigate properly but from a quick look I think one can be storage and the other can be a den for my boy :) There's enough room for a disability swing and an existing swing frame already in place which has been checked and is safe and secure so I only need to buy the swing itself.
My son is happy about the move; he was apprehensive as he wasn't really sure what it would all involve but now that we've seen it and he knows there's enough space for his toys and a cat flap for the cat to get in and out he's happy. He loves the garden, is excited about the swing and thinks living near a railway line is great (he loves it when they close the gates because there's a train coming).
The removals are booked; I've had several offers of help with moving and a friend came down during the week and did an amazing job cleaning the kitchen with me; we packed pretty much everything and scrubbed it from top to bottom so it was a lot of work and so much easier when there are two of you. So all in all things are going well; I am tired but the tired you get from doing something you want to do is so different to the tired you get when you're coping with loads of unpleasant emotional stuff or difficult situations. It's a good tired, although I am looking forward to actually being in there and being able to slow down the pace a bit.
So good news all round at the moment. Thank you so much for all of the support, as always, I really do appreciate it :) Will keep you posted :)
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Ahhhhhh, TUPP!
I'm so happy for you and your son.
A fire pit!
A garden!
PRIVACY.... I'm losing my mind at the lovely surprises.... unexpected and, honest to God.... so deserved.
Please continue allowing help from friends giving you more time to explore your new place, and enjoy the fleeting fall weather before it's gone.
Don't postpone joy, Tupp. Embrace it, and maybe make an actual list of things you want to experience..... maybe play happy music CCR? and spin on the back porch with your son..... my oldest dd lights up when she sees me embracing joy. OH... FAIRY LIGHTS! YES.
We have to make time,a nd take time to DO that, IME.
And..... a kitty door....... YES YES YES.
Let fall bulbs get planted, and soil amendments be added, and swings be installed.
Put joy on your calendar Tupp.
Let the deeper healing begin...
it's your time.
Lighter
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Aw thanks, Lighter, that made me smile! :)
I know, I couldn't believe it when we looked around, I just kept saying "Oh my god, oh my god" because it was just so unexpected; it really couldn't be more perfect for us. The garden's lovely; you walk along a narrow path to get to it as it runs along the back of some other gardens (all very mature with lots of trees and shrubs so there's just green everywhere you look). And then you go through a little arch way, you can't see any of it from the path and you're suddenly in this beautiful space that just keeps on going! There's even an apple tree :) So yes, it's just amazing; my plan is to be as organised as possible before we go so that once we're in we can just say 'aah' and really relax. I'm looking forward to walking every day, getting to know the village a bit and just enjoying NOT BEING HERE!! I think it's going to be a really lovely turning point for us and I will keep you all posted with hopefully good news!
Thank you for all the support x
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Tupp:
When you have a chance, please share some details about the inside of the flat. Why is it great?
I'm just so pleased for you.
Light
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The layout's very nice and the rooms flow. Where we live at the moment feels 'wrong'; not just the location but the interior of the house doesn't work. It's in the middle of a block so you don't get much light, even on a really sunny day. When you walk in it feels close and claustrophobic. We walked into the flat and there was light streaming in almost every window. Most of the rooms have two windows in them as well so you can make the most of the sun as it moves around. There's a lot of built in storage but also four outside storage areas so lots of space to keep things and it's well designed storage; areas to hang things, shelves for stacking and then floor space as well. The bathroom's bigger than our current one and again the layout is more comfortable; you can't see the loo if the door's open, just the basin and then the bath when you walk in. It has a lovely shower (again our current one is about three streams of water and very cramped). Each window has a green view from it; we just look out over woods or other gardens and no-one can see in :) It's just very well proportioned, simple things like lots of plug sockets spread around the rooms; at the moment we have lots of extension cables running to and fro because the plug sockets are in odd places and all bunched together at one end of the room. It just feels safe; it's hard to explain but I walked in and as soon as I got to the top of the stairs it felt like home. And a cat flap already installed :)
The colours are neutral so a blank canvas really; they've left some blinds up which will be great until I alter the curtains and sort out what I'm doing but you know when you walk in and you can see where your furniture would go? It felt like that. I'm getting excited again just thinking about it, lol :)
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I'm doing mental gymnast-flips for you, Tupp.
This is so so so so fabulous--just incredible news.
It sounds LOVELY. And I can't even express how
much joy I bet you'll find in gardening.
What a thrill and joy to imagine you in a fresh,
new, welcoming, lovely space at last.
Dittos...it is so well deserved. I am so glad.
YAY!
love
Hops
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I'm doing mental gymnast-flips for you, Tupp.
This is so so so so fabulous--just incredible news.
It sounds LOVELY. And I can't even express how
much joy I bet you'll find in gardening.
What a thrill and joy to imagine you in a fresh,
new, welcoming, lovely space at last.
Dittos...it is so well deserved. I am so glad.
YAY!
love
Hops
Aw, thank you so much Hops, Yes, I am doing mental gymnastics myself! Still can't quite believe it - six more sleeps! It's funny, moving house is regarded as being very stressful and there's no doubt it's a lot of work, but I've been so unhappy here for so long now that I can feel the stress lifting as each box is packed :) I really am a very lucky lady, truly blessed. My son is excited about it as well which is lovely, he's been planning where to put his toys and has explained to the cat that she's going on holiday to the cattery for a couple of days whilst we move and then she'll have a new garden to play in. He's also drafted a letter to Santa so that he doesn't deliver the presents to the old address :) It's a really lovely time. How are things with you? x
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Oh.... your boy had a chat with the cat.....and wrote his note to Santa....
:: Sniff::
He's just lovely, Tupp.
Lighter
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Thanks for asking, Tupp, but this is YOUR thread!
I'm doing okay...bit stressed by the election. Otherwise not bad.
I'll catch up about the job on my job thread, maybe this wknd.
Meanwhile, a good plan for tomorrow night--gathering with friends to
watch the returns until we know who won. Regardless, we're wearing
white in honor of the sufragettes who fought so bravely for our right
to vote, not so long ago.
Hoping that vision will hold us ALL together until we re-knit the broken
civic threads, which will be a long hard job.
Hugs,
Hops
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Love to think of you honouring the suffragettes, Hopsie, what a lovely image. Look forward to reading your job thread; I am aware I haven't been spending as much time on other people's threads as I like to and I am missing it so looking forward to having a bit more time over the next few weeks :)
Anyway - the new flat. I could not be smiling more at the minute :)
We picked the keys up this morning, all went very smoothly, the people at the housing office were very nice and everything was done very quickly. We went from there to our new place with the first van load of our stuff. Two guys were there painting the shed door; one of them helped me carry stuff from the van and was very friendly and polite. We went in and it's just so nice. Lovely views, it was beautiful and sunny today, there was a hot air balloon away in the distance. We unloaded the first van load and went back to get the second. Second visit was even better, our new neighbours on one side came out to introduce themselves, very friendly and have invited us round for tea once we've moved in properly. A very friendly cat came over and glued himself to my son and didn't leave his side so he has a new friend now as well :) I've unpacked what I can, the big move is on Monday but I'm going to take as much of the small stuff over as I can over the weekend. I am really looking forward to doing it up and making it ours; it's so lovely to have a home rather than a place to live. I still can't believe how lucky we are.
Some of the boxes had been packed for a long time and I took some of the things out and realised they just aren't right for the new place. Too much memory of here, I think, so there's already a box of things to take to the charity shop next week.
I saw my step-dad when I was on my way over with the second load and I am really hoping that's the last time I ever see that odious toad. Fingers crossed we are moving just far enough away that there won't be any reason for my path to cross with his again.
It is very nice to feel happy and content; it's been such a long time since I felt that way I'd forgotten what it feels like but it's such a lovely feeling. We will be offline for a few days next week so hopefully by the next time I log on things will be completely unpacked and everything will be done and we'll just be having a lovely time :)
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Internet back on today so reconnecting :) We are in; the move day itself was a nightmare despite all my organisation and hard work before hand because the removal men went off half way through to do another little job and left us stranded for nearly two hours. It's had a knock on effect on the rest of the week but we are getting there now.
The new place is lovely. It feels incredibly safe, very, very quiet (so quiet I couldn't sleep the first couple of nights because I wasn't used to it), the village itself is lovely, as are the neighbours and I am already feeling the benefits of being able to pop into town rather than it being a big event. The garden is so amazing it just makes me smile every time I look at it and best of all my son absolutely loves it and loves his new room. Even the cat seems happy!
What I realised this morning, though, is that I'm (a) a bit scared that there's nothing to hold me back now except me and (b) I've spent so many years putting my energy into getting through the day that I've sort of forgotten how to just plan an enjoyable day rather than having to put on my armour and battle through it. I've decided to have a bit of a holiday over the next couple of weeks and just enjoy some days out, nice walks, a bit of gardening and just generally get back into the flow of not having to deal with so many difficult things. I am excited and apprehensive at the same time, but that is definitely better than just feeling scared and tired constantly :) Anyway, hope everyone is well and I will keep you posted :)
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I'm off caffeine again after fortifying myself with gallons of it (along with mountains of biscuits) over the last few weeks to get us through the move. What occured to me this morning is that without some sort of stimulant inside me I feel delicate and vulnerable. It's as if revving my system up a bit gives me a sense of security and makes me feel stronger (and less vulnerable to attack, I suppose). It means that my lifetime of various stimulant addictions makes sense to me now. I think I've been putting on a coat of armour to get me through the day. Equally I realised this morning that my inability to concentrate on just what I am doing in the present moment is because the majority of my system is on the look out for problems. If I give my full attention to the one thing that I am doing at the time then what might happen whilst my back is turned?
I'm not quite sure what to do with this information now that I've come upon it, lol, but I think it will be useful to me.
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Makes sense, Tupp.
Sheer tiredness makes me feel that way, also.
I don't know if you'll experience this but for me
when the adrenalin of a move wears off there's quite
a short-term, temporary crash. And a lot of extra
sleep for quite a while is very helpful...suspended in rest, you
heal from move stress. (Shrinks say even GOOD
moves stress the psyche a ton.)
Might help to be prepared for when/if the mood lowers and draw
no conclusions about YOU, because it's just biology. And it will
pass. It will.
Sending tea and hugs--
Hops
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Hi Hopsie, thank you!
Yes have definitely hit the post move wall, was so worn out over the weekend we didn't do much at all and my bed has never looked so inviting :) Felt a bit perkier today, we are very lucky that we don't have any big major thing coming up now (except for Christmas, which isn't very big for us anyway) so we can have lots of rest and some nice days out and walks around the place. I think we'll just take it easy now until the New Year, adjust a bit and get used to being here (it's still so quiet and there's less light pollution so the stars look amazing). It is nice not to be constantly thinking "oh my god, when will we get out of here". We were on our way home earlier and I realised I was actually looking forward to getting back in here, I always used to dread going home so that was nice :)
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I'm feeling much more rested, relaxed and happy now, but I am also keeping watch on myself because I'm feeling "we don't deserve this" creeping in and I don't want to mess this up! It really is a gift from the gods - a nice flat, long lease, nice village, much easier practically and a lot more going on that we can get involved in. And I can feel myself feeling we don't deserve all of that so I am working very hard to focus on feeling grateful (which I am, enormously) and telling myself that we do deserve this nice place that has come into our lives.
I've also realised I feel very anxious about putting myself into new situations and meeting new people so I am going to write a list of all the things I'd like to get involved in locally and all the places I'd like to go to and try and take a step towards doing one of those things each day.
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You were BORN deserving a safe place to be, peaceful surroundings, and kind humans.
Just remember not to fantasize or expect imagined huge-correctives-to-the-past things from people.
Just look for gentleness, basics of kindness, impulses to cooperate and folks who are welcoming. Be aware that
you deserve goodness, decency, patience--especially from you toward you. And that if you offer friendship,
say once in three tries, you'll likely find it. (The other two? Don't mean anything. Just that they didn't
have the same need at the same time....)
All will be well. This isn't a test you have to pass. You're already here. A resident just like
other residents. You SO deserve this good home.
Have faith that you live in peace now.
Time to risk feeling some contentment.
In the present moment, all those present moments. Enjoy each one of them, they mount up
and change you toward peace.
love
Hops
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You were BORN deserving a safe place to be, peaceful surroundings, and kind humans.
Just remember not to fantasize or expect imagined huge-correctives-to-the-past things from people.
Just look for gentleness, basics of kindness, impulses to cooperate and folks who are welcoming. Be aware that
you deserve goodness, decency, patience--especially from you toward you. And that if you offer friendship,
say once in three tries, you'll likely find it. (The other two? Don't mean anything. Just that they didn't
have the same need at the same time....)
All will be well. This isn't a test you have to pass. You're already here. A resident just like
other residents. You SO deserve this good home.
Have faith that you live in peace now.
Time to risk feeling some contentment.
In the present moment, all those present moments. Enjoy each one of them, they mount up
and change you toward peace.
love
Hops
Sound advice and words of wisdom as always, Hopsie - thank you :)
I am trying to just focus on right now. My mind wanders but I try to bring it back. We went for a walk this morning - people around here are friendly. We chatted to a guy who was walking his dog, a young girl that works in the shop (we treated ourselves to a doughnut :) ), said good morning to people as we walked past them. I'm going to try and pluck up the courage to go to the pub one day this week - during the day, during the week, when it will be quiet, just pop in for half an hour and have an orange juice and a chat.
My son's energy seems to have improved? Which is good, might just be coincidence, might be something to do with the new environment.
It's funny but when I read your job thread and you said something about trying not to have to high an expectation regarding the job I realised that that's been a problem for me - I go into every situation with an expectation (and usually a very high one) and it doesn't usually go the way I thought it would. So I'm going to try and stop doing that - just make the aim to get through the door of the pub, for example, rather than imagining I'll come out with a dozen new friends. It is really lovely not feeling constricted by gossipy neighbours or knowing my mum is across the road (and she doesn't even know I've moved yet - how funny is that? :) ). But it all feels good - just wobbling and conscious of not wanting to wobble and sabotage myself. I like the idea of focusing on people who show kindness, co-operation etc. A really good place to focus and to think about. Thank you :) x
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Hi Tupp:
I've written this post three times.......
Trust yourself.
Pay attention to your instincts.
Honor them.
Remember 90% research and 10% execution. You have a right to explore choices without committing to anything. Reserve judgment, and really ask yourself what feels right.
Take your time, and try lots of things. Pick and choose. Show people who you are, and strive to be authentic. You're OK just as you are, and people want you to do well. They want you to be OK.
Fear sucks.
You're more than worthy of a good life.
Remember..... you make choices every day, and every day is a new day.
::sending Tupp energy, intestinal fortitude, and the courage to explore open and walk through new doors::
You're good enough Tupp.
Lighter
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Thank you, Lighter, for your wise and encouraging words, as always.
My son's health has taken a real nose dive and we are having dreadful problems with doctors (again) and I can really feel the effects on my own health now. It's funny that the times when you need to take the most care of yourself are also the times when you have the least time and energy to do so. But I am really trying to make a concerted effort to eat well, rest, do some yoga and meditate when I can. It's very easy for good habits to go out of the window when the chips are down (and isn't it funny how bad habits always seem to feel easier to stick to?) but I'm trying hard and trying to focus on health and not think/worry too much about anything else at the moment.
We are settling into the flat now, and it's starting to feel like home. People are friendly and it is lovely being able to go for a little walk and pop into the shops if we want to. It's starting to feel more normal that we live here and I do really love it (and at least my son's health takes my mind off my own anxieties for a while, lol). Baby steps, we're slowly getting there, I must say I will be glad when Christmas is over as I do find that really stressful even though we avoid it as much as possible. The whole country just goes mad so it's nice when it's over and everything goes back to normal :)
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I am so sorry about your boy, Tupp.
I can't imagine how much this tears at you, over and over.
Poor kid, and poor you.
My best recollection is that he's both on the autism spectrum
somewhere and also has a seizure disorder plus a fairly rare
additional diagnosis. (Forgive me if I'm remembering those
wrong.) But my point is my heart goes out to any parent
who is trying to make life work for a child with any ONE
of those things, much less a constellation...and much less
as a single parent with toxic relatives.
Now, at least, you're at a safe distance from those relatives.
And you have learned so much about how to advocate for
yourself and your son. To hear how you're trying consistently
to maintain self-care in spite of the stress of all this is inspiring.
Tupp, while you're no longer a victim, you ARE a hero.
Just in the daily slog you endure with such good grace.
I think to myself when I am eyebrow-deep in my pity
parties...look what Tupp and others here cope with and get
through every daggone day.
Thanks for sharing so much of your struggles and surprises
here, Tupp. You inspire and encourage me, and you always
have thoughtful and kind words for folks here, no matter
what you're going through yourself.
(I'm with you about Christmas...happy to not-celebrate it
along with you!).
Hugs
Hops
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Yay, let's do a"it's not Christmas, everyone get lost" day instead! I'm not religious (no disrespect to anyone who is) and for me the religious meaning of it has been lost in a mass of consumer madness. It's just so huge and so over the top and you can't escape it. If it was only celebrated by in the UK by Christians (instead of millions of people who never go to church and don't believe in God) or it was a small day of celebration I would embrace it but it's just so over the top it drives me insane!
You have remembered exactly my boy's situation, autism, epilepsy, learning difficulties (or intellectual disability as they call it now) and possibly a genetic disorder although that hasn't been confirmed yet. He's fitting for up to twelve hours at a time and it's proving almost impossible to get him any long term or preventative help so we have to keep calling the emergency service or going to A & E. The service they provide is brilliant; we had an ambulance crew out this morning and they are first class, nothing at all to fault them on, but obviously dealing with everything as an emergency instead of having a proper long term management plan in place is stressful for everybody. I have got a meeting with the consultant next month so I've emailed him all of my concerns and will have to go in and just be very assertive which I hate because of all the old child protection stuff (in which they used my assertion and tendency to complain about poor service as evidence against me) bubbles back up to the surface and it's just another thing to deal with (as you know only too well!).
We are in a much better place than so many, though, and a much better place than we were a month ago living in that house that I was so miserable in! Thank you for your kind words, that is what I love about this place, that it's so supportive and each other's stories help in different ways, it's a really good place to be :)
Anyway lets hope that all of our 'challenges' get a little bit smoother over the next few weeks (and Christmas will be over soon - yay!).
Love Tup xx
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Tupp... "fitting" for 12 hours means he's seizing or having an emotional outburst you can't handle on your own?
I'm so sorry to hear that, but glad you feel emergency services are helpful.
Good luck advocating for yourself and your son next month. Remember to speak with calm authority, keep your tone neutral, and snark free, and stick to your guns.
They can't say you're being unreasonable/whatever if you remain even, and keep your voice and words level, IME. Record it if you feel you must.... better proactive in these matters, IME. Regret sucks SO much. I'm sure you have a list of things to address. Maybe sort it out with things you can't live without, and things you can. Don't leave without the must haves.
Also have some reminder you can touch, like a bracelet that helps you get back to level if you find yourself raising your voice, or getting angry. We're more formidable when we stay on point with facts.... when we're the most level person in the room, IME.
You're Mama Bear Tupp, and you'll fight for the best possible outcome for your son. That's what you do.
((((Tupp and son))))
I'm glad you're settling in.
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
It's epileptic seizures they think he's having: non convulsive status epilepticus is the proper medical term, I think, so he's basically having hundreds of small seizures one after another for, on average, about twelve hours at a time (unless we can get the meds into him so this last Sunday he'd been like if for about three, three and a half hours before it started to wear off). They call it non convulsive because it doesn't look like anything is happening; to anyone that doesn't know him he just looks like he's very tired (almost as if he's been sedated). Because he's got different conditions he's classed as having 'complex needs' and this is where the problems start with treatment. Although the NHS is free at the point of use they're all on tight budgets and have strict criteria for who does what which varies from one area to another (as they're all run by different trusts). All of my son's problems are neurological and it's difficult/impossible to know where one problem ends and another begins, but each of his different diagnoses comes out of a different pot of money. This means they all spend a huge amount of time referring him back and forth to try and avoid paying for what he needs, plus sometimes he has to go to a specialist hospital out of the area which no-one wants to fund so trying to get that organised is a nightmare as well. It just means everything takes so long to do and you have to fight every step of the way, plus I have to know what he needs so that I can argue my case for it but that means I have to do all my own research because the docs keep me in the dark as much as possible. So it all gets very tiring.
So I have been practising what to say and keeping calm! I've emailed the doc a list of my concerns in order of importance and there will be more things I want to discuss so I'll send those in in advance of the appointment and hopefully it will be a useful hour of both our time instead of most of it being wasted. Hopefully this will be the last push now, I think we've exhausted pretty much all other avenues :) x
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Bless your heart, Tupp.
I'm rooting for you, and the best possible outcome for your son. You're a great mother.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter, and the same to you!
He's doing alright again now, I've had a bit more info from another doctor that's helped put another piece of the puzzle into place so we're slowly moving forward.
We're really settling into our new place now. I started clearing the garden yesterday. It's huge and a little bit neglected but not terribly, just needs a tidy and a trim to get it back in shape. It's very mature which is lovely and I unearthed a patio when I started clearing leaves up. It's very uneven and some of the slabs are broken but in my mind I can see a lovely seating and eating area where we can watch the sun go down and enjoy listening to the birds singing. I sat out there for a while last night as it got dark and there were two robins chirping away to each other. It was just so lovely. So the new place is helping me stay level whilst the medical situation gets sorted and we are keeping on keeping on :) x
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Tupp:
I feel it's important to pay attention to nature and new surroundings..... to really let them sink in and help you change how you feel about your world. IF you bring your old thinking, and way of being WITH you..... you miss the chance to transcend them, IME.
Maybe every morning when you wake reflect on what you want that day....... think it or say it out loud, and then do it.
You don't live in the old neighborhood anymore. You live in a better place, with people who wish you well, and want you to be happy with your son. Engage them. Open yourself to new and better things.
The way you write about your garden makes me picture lichen and moss and stones covered in dark earth...... old and wise but new and welcoming for you and your son. BE in the moments there..... let thoughts of the old go by without grabbing on to them. Return to how it feels to be far away in this safe hopeful place.
Really BE present since you've waited so long to get there.
((((Tupp and Son))))
I really loved reading your update.
Lighter
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All very true, Lighter, it's funny but things are falling into place without me doing anything. In the past I've worked so hard, so many times, to change things and it just hasn't happened (or at least not in the way I thought would be best). But everything here is just falling into place.
The garden is a mature, well grown one and people have obviously put a lot of time in over the years. There's something magical about it, it's not really overlooked (there are other gardens around it but there are trees and hedges as well as sheds and green houses so you can't really see into anyone else's garden unless you really try to). The fence is all different in places and I like that, some's proper fencing, some's been made out of fallen branches, some out of old pallets, I like the way different people have patched it up over the years. Feels lived in, rather than created for effect, if that makes sense? I'm making a list of all the things I want to get for the flat now to decorate it and make it our own and all the little jobs I want to get on with. It's exciting!
There are so many more opportunities around here for things for my son and myself to get involved in so I'm going to look into those after Christmas. I've also found a town within a reasonable driving distance that looks like it contains a specialist college for my son and an adult learners one for me so I'm going to look into that as well. Be great if we could both start college at the same time.
All in all it's fabulous and I am starting to morph into myself, I think, rather than being 'Tup who has to cope and get through the day'. It's nice. How are things with you? x
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This is a candle for the heart, Tupp.
SO happy about your garden, and you being so present in it.
I'm getting more present, too, or more focused. Bit of both.
Actually meditated for about 10 minutes this morning. If one
can sneak sips of tea while meditating. Ha.
Thing is, it was fine. I don't have to do it "right."
Hope the settling in is joyful and as low-stress as possible.
Love the idea of more education for you and your boy!
High hopes,
Hops
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Hi Tupps! Merry Christmas!** ;)
I'm just catching up with your move news, after mine. It sounds like we're both going through some of the same "exploration" in our new places. I'm a little envious of your ability to walk to shops and having pleasant people right around you. It sounds lovely... and comforting, to know so many are there welcoming you to become one of their community. It's just me and the cat -- and at night I can hear the coyotes. I can't even see my neighbors down the road.
I can relate to realizing that a lot of what you brought into the new place - just doesn't belong anymore. I work a little bit each day, to uncover another square foot of floor (usually to only put something else in that spot, from another place where I'm doing the same thing!). Learning the mechanical systems here - in the country there is a lot of "this'll do for now" kinds of fixes that need addressed to be "proper" - is where I've put a chunk of time and attention.
There is no good way for me clear out the empty boxes - no recycling, no pickup at the house (sure, I move a jeep load of broken down, bundled cardboard a mile down my road to the highway where the trash truck picks it up or drive it into town - somewhere)... and open burning is no longer allowed willy-nilly in this state. And I have to change my vehicle registrations and driver's license, which requires all kinds of documentation to prove who I am... even though I am in their database, already, under my marriage #2 name. LOL. For the most part, I'm not letting stuff like that wind me up into a snit. It's just not worth it.
There are definite "stages" one goes through when moving. First, "claiming" the space as your own. Then, just "feeling" the energy of the place. Learning the peculiarities, too - the things that unique to it. And then playing with and adjusting things to "suit yourself" and make the space work for you the way you need it to.
I'm sure I'll be "moving in" still - unpacking even - halfway through next year. Makes me think I really don't NEED a lot of the stuff that I haven't unpacked yet, you know? And I want to find ways to connect with more people around here instead of always being a hermit, but that's going to have to wait till after Christmas.
** I noticed on my trip to the "big town" this week, that people were generally very pleasant, happy, and being "Christmas-y" with each other. Lots of simple kindnesses and pleasantries, even though the stores were crowded with people stocking up for their cooking extravaganza. Instead of feeling like people where going to run me down in the shop aisles -- we were each trying to "give way" to each other and laughing about doing it in almost every aisle. This is NOT what I remember from living in this "big town" years before. Nice change.
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Tupp:
I love what you said about feeling you're morphing into yourself.
Yes.
The person you were meant to be, and can be.
You're free to stop looking over your shoulder now. The haunting of the old neighborhood can end with new shiny people..... without being in the old emotionally charged places that remind you of the past. Distance is a good thing.... ::nodding::
This is your new start.
New Tupp in the new year with new everything.
As for me I'm having an easier time being present in the moment. I'm not completely there yet, but it's coming along..... getting easier.
I've been working with some amazing people, and it feels really good.
The problem person I wrote about on my thread has stopped calling, thank goodness. It feels like it's over with only a few really tense days of anxiety.... I really hate that.
My oldest is doing well in school, all As, very driven again, and youngest is still very funny and doing well in school as well.
I'm laughing: )
((((Tupp and son)))
I hope you make some new holiday rituals that feel just right for you both.
They don't have to be around Christmas. They can be new traditions around cold weather foods,
and activities. Maybe a little outdoor fire pit with hot coco, roasted marshmallows, and new stew and cookie recipes?
Lighter
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This is a candle for the heart, Tupp.
SO happy about your garden, and you being so present in it.
I'm getting more present, too, or more focused. Bit of both.
Actually meditated for about 10 minutes this morning. If one
can sneak sips of tea while meditating. Ha.
Thing is, it was fine. I don't have to do it "right."
Hope the settling in is joyful and as low-stress as possible.
Love the idea of more education for you and your boy!
High hopes,
Hops
It's a beautiful garden, Hops, we're so lucky, I did a bit more this morning with the help of next door's very friendly cat who likes to chase leaves :) I'm glad you're meditating in your own way; I've found in the past I've stressed myself out doing relaxation type things because I'm not doing them properly and then realised how daft it is to stress about something that you're doing to calm your mind! Tea and mediation sound perfect, in my book. I do keep thinking about you when I cook because of the thread you started a while back asking for recipe ideas but I've not found any yet that don't require a bit of faffing about. I did buy a new slow cooker book recently, vegan recipes (part of my drive to eat more veggies) but so far the ones I've tried have involved adding things at different times - alright for me as I'm at home a lot during the day but no good if you're going out and won't be back until dinner time! Anyway, I'll keep looking and if I find any that are tasty and simple to prep I will give you a shout :) x
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Hi Tupps! Merry Christmas!** ;)
I'm just catching up with your move news, after mine. It sounds like we're both going through some of the same "exploration" in our new places. I'm a little envious of your ability to walk to shops and having pleasant people right around you. It sounds lovely... and comforting, to know so many are there welcoming you to become one of their community. It's just me and the cat -- and at night I can hear the coyotes. I can't even see my neighbors down the road.
I can relate to realizing that a lot of what you brought into the new place - just doesn't belong anymore. I work a little bit each day, to uncover another square foot of floor (usually to only put something else in that spot, from another place where I'm doing the same thing!). Learning the mechanical systems here - in the country there is a lot of "this'll do for now" kinds of fixes that need addressed to be "proper" - is where I've put a chunk of time and attention.
There is no good way for me clear out the empty boxes - no recycling, no pickup at the house (sure, I move a jeep load of broken down, bundled cardboard a mile down my road to the highway where the trash truck picks it up or drive it into town - somewhere)... and open burning is no longer allowed willy-nilly in this state. And I have to change my vehicle registrations and driver's license, which requires all kinds of documentation to prove who I am... even though I am in their database, already, under my marriage #2 name. LOL. For the most part, I'm not letting stuff like that wind me up into a snit. It's just not worth it.
There are definite "stages" one goes through when moving. First, "claiming" the space as your own. Then, just "feeling" the energy of the place. Learning the peculiarities, too - the things that unique to it. And then playing with and adjusting things to "suit yourself" and make the space work for you the way you need it to.
I'm sure I'll be "moving in" still - unpacking even - halfway through next year. Makes me think I really don't NEED a lot of the stuff that I haven't unpacked yet, you know? And I want to find ways to connect with more people around here instead of always being a hermit, but that's going to have to wait till after Christmas.
** I noticed on my trip to the "big town" this week, that people were generally very pleasant, happy, and being "Christmas-y" with each other. Lots of simple kindnesses and pleasantries, even though the stores were crowded with people stocking up for their cooking extravaganza. Instead of feeling like people where going to run me down in the shop aisles -- we were each trying to "give way" to each other and laughing about doing it in almost every aisle. This is NOT what I remember from living in this "big town" years before. Nice change.
Merry Christmas, Skep!
It is lovely being able to walk to the shops - there aren't many but it's enough for your day to day basics and we're only ten minutes from town to get other things we need. It makes a big difference. No coyotes but the foxes make quite a lot of noise some nights :)
Yes I agree with everything you've said about the stages! Initially I just bunged things into cupboards and got furniture into rooms so that it was unpacked and done. Now we've been here for a little while and got a feel for the place, as you say, I've started re-arranging things and re-organising the cupboards. As I'm going round I'm making lists of things I'd like to buy or replace. It's made me realise how much I've deprived myself over the years. My wardrobe is full of old clothes that are full of holes. All of my furniture is hand me down or from charity shops, none of it is 'pretty' I've always gone for functional and cheap over pretty and cosy. And I think that needs to change now. I really want to sit back and relax in my own little palace so I've been shopping in my mind for new furniture, carpets, curtains and so on (don't have the cash at the minute to really shop but I've been planning it all out).
It's nice that the people are friendly in your town. It makes such a difference, just a quick smile and hello from someone really makes the day feel better. Glad that you are settling in and have the cat to keep you company! x
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Start with one room at a time Tupps! Maybe you only need a few things in this room, a few bigger ones in that room. If the rooms open & flow into each other, use color to tie things together. Simple and comfy and functional for how I live, are the basic principles. I like my place to be somewhere people aren't afraid to sit on the furniture, where it's all self-explanatory and doesn't need an "artist's statement" to understand it's meaning & purpose. Where they want to hang out a little while.
My friend the "doc" was trying to get me to prioritize all the gigantic, future projects I have in mind that I'd like to try -- before I was even able to pull out a tablecloth and stop using the dining table as my "command center". LOL. "Guys"; and he's a spartan anyway... I really NEEDED to see the results of me and my "stuff" coming together in an overall "cozy" effect in a new space before I can even START thinking about all the other stuff. I need some weeks of just futzing around and trying things a couple different ways to just REST from the effort of packing, purging, deciding what goes/what doesn't and hauling it all up here.
Weeks of seeing how I need to organize myself, because of my location, to keep myself provisioned and connected to some people. And just putting my feet up, looking around and surveying all of my "realm" and getting to know it, too. Before I go jumping back into living life with both feet and this weird endless curiosity and enthusiasm for _________. I have to decide which things I'm interested in, that I want to do well - so I don't overwhelm myself with trying to do many different kinds of things. And of course, there's the list of things I need to fix up or make function to my standards.
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Start with one room at a time Tupps! Maybe you only need a few things in this room, a few bigger ones in that room. If the rooms open & flow into each other, use color to tie things together. Simple and comfy and functional for how I live, are the basic principles. I like my place to be somewhere people aren't afraid to sit on the furniture, where it's all self-explanatory and doesn't need an "artist's statement" to understand it's meaning & purpose. Where they want to hang out a little while.
My friend the "doc" was trying to get me to prioritize all the gigantic, future projects I have in mind that I'd like to try -- before I was even able to pull out a tablecloth and stop using the dining table as my "command center". LOL. "Guys"; and he's a spartan anyway... I really NEEDED to see the results of me and my "stuff" coming together in an overall "cozy" effect in a new space before I can even START thinking about all the other stuff. I need some weeks of just futzing around and trying things a couple different ways to just REST from the effort of packing, purging, deciding what goes/what doesn't and hauling it all up here.
Weeks of seeing how I need to organize myself, because of my location, to keep myself provisioned and connected to some people. And just putting my feet up, looking around and surveying all of my "realm" and getting to know it, too. Before I go jumping back into living life with both feet and this weird endless curiosity and enthusiasm for _________. I have to decide which things I'm interested in, that I want to do well - so I don't overwhelm myself with trying to do many different kinds of things. And of course, there's the list of things I need to fix up or make function to my standards.
Yes it's easy to take on too much and overwhelm yourself, especially in a new place. It takes a year to settle in, I think, so you can see the light in all seasons, find out that wall gets a little damp in winter so you can't keep your books against it, realise that if that door opened the other way you could fit x against that wall. I am kind of the opposite when it comes to wanting people to be comfortable, I've realised I don't want people coming round! Lol, there are a few people I'm always happy to see but they're the sort of people that will be comfortable whether you live in a tent or a castle. But we've had people wanting to visit over Christmas and I had that funny thing of not having a logical reason not to want to see them but just feeling 'no'. And I've realised they're people who are either quite critical (and will do the whole 'oh you've no carpet, oh the kitchen's a bit small, oh I wouldn't like to have to look after that garden) or they're the ones that don't respect your place and walk mud through it, let their kids run riot, want to bring their dogs in and so on. And old Tup accommodates everyone else's wants and needs and makes life easy for them but new Tup wants to make life easy for herself! Which means not cleaning up someone else's mess or running around after their children or pets.
I think because this is the first time I've really had a home of my own I want it to be our castle, set up for me and my boy, cosy, comfy, organised and functional and I don't want to let any of my old behaviours or thought patterns come in here with us. New Tup is much healthier than old Tup and I want her to be in charge.
I'm excited about the idea of doing it up, keeping my eyes open for pieces, shopping around for the bits we need. It's making me focus on money a bit more, I'm thrifty anyway but now I'm thinking every penny saved is a step closer to the next thing I want to buy. It will be nice to have something that actually shows the amount of work I put in. I usually work on myself or my boy and that doesn't really show so it will make a nice change to have something at the end of it that's very obvious :)
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Tupp:
I love what you said about feeling you're morphing into yourself.
Yes.
The person you were meant to be, and can be.
You're free to stop looking over your shoulder now. The haunting of the old neighborhood can end with new shiny people..... without being in the old emotionally charged places that remind you of the past. Distance is a good thing.... ::nodding::
This is your new start.
New Tupp in the new year with new everything.
As for me I'm having an easier time being present in the moment. I'm not completely there yet, but it's coming along..... getting easier.
I've been working with some amazing people, and it feels really good.
The problem person I wrote about on my thread has stopped calling, thank goodness. It feels like it's over with only a few really tense days of anxiety.... I really hate that.
My oldest is doing well in school, all As, very driven again, and youngest is still very funny and doing well in school as well.
I'm laughing: )
((((Tupp and son)))
I hope you make some new holiday rituals that feel just right for you both.
They don't have to be around Christmas. They can be new traditions around cold weather foods,
and activities. Maybe a little outdoor fire pit with hot coco, roasted marshmallows, and new stew and cookie recipes?
Lighter
Ah I'm glad things are going well and the girls are doing so well. Everything's easier when the kids are happy :)
Yes, I'm enjoying the morph! I am finding it a bit two steps forward, three steps back at the minute but that's okay, there's no rush! I feel quite nervous and insecure at times but I think that is young Tup poking her head out a little now that she sees she's living away from that scary place where everyone was so mean to her and she had to cover everything up. Being kind with myself, patient, trying really hard to eat healthily and rest when I'm lacking energy instead of drinking coffee and eating biscuits. Walking every day, gardening, catching up on DVDs I haven't had a chance to watch. It's nice - a new way to be but a nice one :)
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Hi Tupp,
One of my biggest joys when I moved into my little house was the freedom to choose color.
Even though 90% of my furnishings are family pieces, the walls are All Mine.
So I chose paint colors with deep pleasure.
When you walk in, straight ahead there's a wall ("Dill Green") that's quite a dark color that sets off my most beautiful possession...grandmother's "parlor grand" piano made of Circassian Walnut (from the Circassian mountains in Russia). It's unusually gorgeous, a kind of golden wood with beautiful dark grain. Sounds nice too!
The kitchen is a weird color that looks similar to the natural-cork flooring. I think of it as "Crayon Flesh Tone" -- a sort of peachy but sandy but well, corkish-orangeish color. Sounds weird but it works, even in great contrast to the green you see first when the door opens. It's what terra cotta would be if you lightened it by half, I think.
The other LR walls plus the outer kitchen wall and the whole back addition are a really gorgeous warm light gray. All trim is white with a touch of warmth. It's all open-plan (LR thru kitchen to back big room) and very strangely, these different colors play well together. People often comment on how warm and inviting the house feels, and the colors.
My BR is a soft light blue so gentle it's nearly a neutral. My heart went AHHH when I found it. I have old curtains I'd once made for my D's room that are perfect--lots of color, a sort of Aztec-y pattern.
My larger BR--office and guest bed--is a very quiet, light and peaceful green.
I notice that I have a mish-mosh of woods in furniture and like it that way. One thing my exH2 gave me that I'm very grateful for was that one day in a previous house I was fussing about matching something and he nearly exploded (not in anger, just intensity...he was an artist): "FORGET matchy-matchy! Look at nature! ANY color goes with ANY color!" And he just exploded my timidity about claiming the joy of color that I love, for my own instinctive reasons.
So I have a colorful, cozy, warm-feeling home...for just the cost of a few cans of paint.
Big hugs and I know you can make your space reflect joy. Color is a wonderful way to do that. Explore, try and delight in YOUR taste, even if it's undiscovered! (Just in case you're renting and there are restrictions on painting, don't worry...hanging up fabric, quilts or paper can do the same thing!) Be bold and have fun.
Hops
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Aw Hops, your place sounds lovely! It's so nice to get something that's yours and make it your own in your own way, isn't it?
Do you know the funny thing about colour - I'm colour blind! So I see some colours differently to other people and I really like that - makes it feel even more like my thing because only I can see it :)
I like to have the walls the same colour throughout and then put in changes with the fabrics. I've picked out a beautiful yellow for the whole flat - quite a deep, warm yellow that I think will make the most of all the lovely natural light we get. The flooring in the kitchen and bathroom are a dark bluey grey kind of colour and I've seen carpet that's similar to that so I'm going to go for that on the floors. I can see it all in my head and it's exciting :)
I love the sound of the curtains you made for your D! My son had T shirts and pyjama sets that he loved when he was younger, because they had his favourite cartoon characters on them. Once he outgrew them we cut the pictures out of the front and just used fabric glue to stick them onto his plain curtains. They looked great and they're such a nice reminder of when he was little :) I did something similar and covered an old foot stool with patchwork I made out of his old clothes. It's getting quite tatty now but I still love it.
I keep seeing little bits and pieces and thinking, oh, that would look lovely in such and such a place :) It's a nice feeling.
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This feeling of simple joy (and maybe a little "mirroring" of self??) in the "nesting process" is something I think people who try to duplicate the look in magazines or the home shows miss out on. It's less an "expression" of self - although there are aspects of it - than it is a deliberate choice about what one wants around you... and what nurtures you.
I've always enjoyed this process because there's NO WAY you can make your own nest "wrong"!! Whatever you choose for yourself is "just right" for YOU. And things can move around and change color whenever you feel like it. Right now I have one lamp that's moving around until I can find just the right spot for the light -- and a level section of the slate floor. LOL.
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That sounds beautiful, Tupp. I tried a yellow but mine was too strong.
I love hearing that you have a lot of natural light! That's just awesome.
A friend of mine has an interior townhouse and I've always noticed how dark
her place feels. She even has SAD (chicken? egg?) but has started using the light.
You'll do exactly the right thing your heart/brain need with color, and
the only problem, of course, is that you can't spell it. :lol: (Whoops, it's
yanks who can't spell it, since we stole it from you we broke it.)
Amber, I couldn't agree more about the sterility of home-decor-looking
places. Although some are lovely and beautifully composed, so many
people crank it up to where it feels "over-composed", imo. It drains
imagination to get too many ideas from Out There, when the most
interesting/affirming ones come from what you actually feel personally
good about.
Nothing wrong with enjoying/learning from/being inspired by experts,
and I like watching her too, but danged if Martha Stewart didn't terrify
a whole new generation of females into feeling not good enough. Grrr.
Thanks for sharing your nesting rambles because they're lovely to read.
Hugs
Hops
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I missed the posts on decorating....not sure how, but I did. I think I woke up frying 3 lbs of bacon every morning over holiday, then split wood, or helped cut and move large trees so we could split... just very busy.
Hops, the light blue color.... love love love. It makes my heart happy.
When we were in the apartment I painted my bathroom a shade of blue from Restoration Hardware.... so soothing and calm. Sometimes I'd just BE in that color, and it helped me feel better.
I need more blue in my life. Maybe I'll paint my master BR blue...... I think it'll be great with the art.
In my little house, in my old life, I painted the LR light yellow.... so pale and restful. The nursery was a little deeper yellow, but very calm. The DR had a stencil of a ram I designed and cut out, painted gold near the ceiling. It was beautiful. I did enjoy that for a while, but wouldn't do it again.
Lots of neutrals, and lovely large stone tiles in the kitchen, and slate floor in the found third bathroom we put in when we took out an old chimney in the hallway during renovation. It had a vaulted ceiling, and a skylight.... it was so scary to take a bath during a storm and watch the big oak trees sway overhead. Eeek.
We salvaged most of the hardwoods, which was a miracle, bc not much else got salvaged besides the stick built frame of the house. I got a super deal on a big antique butcher's block and put it in the center of the kitchen.... just right.
I planted my first real garden in that house.... it was a jungle of huge tomato plants that kept giving and giving. It seemed so easy then.
Light
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That sounds beautiful, Tupp. I tried a yellow but mine was too strong.
I love hearing that you have a lot of natural light! That's just awesome.
A friend of mine has an interior townhouse and I've always noticed how dark
her place feels. She even has SAD (chicken? egg?) but has started using the light.
You'll do exactly the right thing your heart/brain need with color, and
the only problem, of course, is that you can't spell it. :lol: (Whoops, it's
yanks who can't spell it, since we stole it from you we broke it.)
Amber, I couldn't agree more about the sterility of home-decor-looking
places. Although some are lovely and beautifully composed, so many
people crank it up to where it feels "over-composed", imo. It drains
imagination to get too many ideas from Out There, when the most
interesting/affirming ones come from what you actually feel personally
good about.
Nothing wrong with enjoying/learning from/being inspired by experts,
and I like watching her too, but danged if Martha Stewart didn't terrify
a whole new generation of females into feeling not good enough. Grrr.
Thanks for sharing your nesting rambles because they're lovely to read.
Hugs
Hops
Ha ha, Hops, COLOUR! Lol :)
Yellow can be very strong and I'm not sure if the way I see colours means I don't see it as strongly as some other people would? So it might be that everyone else thinks "Yikes, look at that!" whilst I think it's really relaxing.
I am really enjoying putting together little areas of things that I love. We've a tiny vestibule as you come through the front door and I've put up coat hooks that a friend gave me (shaped like little beach huts) and some prayer flags from the same friend. As you go up the stairs (it's a first floor flat so you come into the front door and head straight up) I've put bright. educational posters for my son and I've hung scarves and hanging ornaments (like strings of seahorses and Indian Bells, which I love) from the posts that attach the bannisters to the wall. There's a high window with a wide ledge and I've put a collage of pictures of friends, one of me underwater in India many years ago and my one and only pic of me with my dad on the ledge with a little candle. At the top of the stairs is a lovely little unit I bought with some money a friend gave me for Christmas that hides away outdoor clutter and has open shelves for folded scarves (which I seem to have a lot of!). On top of that are two plants that are gifts from friends and it's just nice to walk in and see love and friendship in front of me. That's about as far as I've got so far, everything else is planned in my mind and I'm just doing things bit by bit :)
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I missed the posts on decorating....not sure how, but I did. I think I woke up frying 3 lbs of bacon every morning over holiday, then split wood, or helped cut and move large trees so we could split... just very busy.
Hops, the light blue color.... love love love. It makes my heart happy.
When we were in the apartment I painted my bathroom a shade of blue from Restoration Hardware.... so soothing and calm. Sometimes I'd just BE in that color, and it helped me feel better.
I need more blue in my life. Maybe I'll paint my master BR blue...... I think it'll be great with the art.
In my little house, in my old life, I painted the LR light yellow.... so pale and restful. The nursery was a little deeper yellow, but very calm. The DR had a stencil of a ram I designed and cut out, painted gold near the ceiling. It was beautiful. I did enjoy that for a while, but wouldn't do it again.
Lots of neutrals, and lovely large stone tiles in the kitchen, and slate floor in the found third bathroom we put in when we took out an old chimney in the hallway during renovation. It had a vaulted ceiling, and a skylight.... it was so scary to take a bath during a storm and watch the big oak trees sway overhead. Eeek.
We salvaged most of the hardwoods, which was a miracle, bc not much else got salvaged besides the stick built frame of the house. I got a super deal on a big antique butcher's block and put it in the center of the kitchen.... just right.
I planted my first real garden in that house.... it was a jungle of huge tomato plants that kept giving and giving. It seemed so easy then.
Light
I love those memories of earlier places, Lighter, it sounds like such a nice place to live :) I love those butcher's blocks, quite hard to come by in the UK now (antique ones, at any rate), it's funny to wonder which day to day sets in shops and businesses these days will make their way into people's homes a hundred years from now?
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I think the self worth work is coming along! The new flat has helped so much, I feel very different being here. There's some nice countryside around us that we are exploring and I have a friend coming to stay in a couple of months' time so we've been checking out cafes and pubs so we've got some nice places to take her to.
I have reorgnised my time again; sometimes I get to a point where my way of doing things just isn't working. I don't like feeling that I'm being pulled in all directions so I sat down last night and got myself organised. I'm trying to do the things for myself first; it's always self care that goes out of the window first when I'm busy. So I'm trying to meditate and do yoga first thing, and to get out for a walk if possible (or just to sit on the step and get some fresh air if we can't get out). I am trying with healthy meals but I must admit that is a wagon I keep falling from! But try, try and try again. I do feel better in myself and just more hopeful that things are changing for the better.
One big change is that I find I am thinking a lot about wanting a man in my life. For a long time now this hasn't really been a priority and the few dates I've been on haven't gone well. But perhaps the change of scenery and the release from the negativity of living so close to my parents has given me a bit more of a free rein, so it is something that keeps going through my mind.
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Hear, hear, Tupp!
It really hit me when you said recently that "99%" of your energy goes to your boy...then it became so real. I can barely imagine the isolation and stress of what you deal with every day.
So I'm really glad you're still caring enough to CRAVE self care, even when it's hard to do. Girl, you DESERVE those life-sustaining healthful foods and greens that give you energy. Lord knows.
I hope you can get out on more walks or just resort to dancing in your living room like a maniac to get your cardio done. (Me, I argue with myself about walking the pooch, I'm so lazy. But I'm craving potent health and energy too. Thanks for sharing this issue.) I've walked her several days this week and come home smacking myself on the head going, duh, notice how you feel better, have more energy, etc? (She has a doggie door and large yard so I'm not torturing her, but there's still no real excuse for not doing a mile or two every day. I know I avoid it because it can feel lonely, but finally figured out that listening to FM radio on my cell with ear buds makes a big difference to how the walk goes for me.)
And.
MAN yearning.
Me TOO.
(Though given my new "job" if I meet one any time soon he'll be shuffling down the hall of the fancy "independent living" apartments on his rollator...)
xo
Hops
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Hear, hear, Tupp!
It really hit me when you said recently that "99%" of your energy goes to your boy...then it became so real. I can barely imagine the isolation and stress of what you deal with every day.
So I'm really glad you're still caring enough to CRAVE self care, even when it's hard to do. Girl, you DESERVE those life-sustaining healthful foods and greens that give you energy. Lord knows.
I hope you can get out on more walks or just resort to dancing in your living room like a maniac to get your cardio done. (Me, I argue with myself about walking the pooch, I'm so lazy. But I'm craving potent health and energy too. Thanks for sharing this issue.) I've walked her several days this week and come home smacking myself on the head going, duh, notice how you feel better, have more energy, etc? (She has a doggie door and large yard so I'm not torturing her, but there's still no real excuse for not doing a mile or two every day. I know I avoid it because it can feel lonely, but finally figured out that listening to FM radio on my cell with ear buds makes a big difference to how the walk goes for me.)
And.
MAN yearning.
Me TOO.
(Though given my new "job" if I meet one any time soon he'll be shuffling down the hall of the fancy "independent living" apartments on his rollator...)
xo
Hops
Lol, I quite fancy a rollator myself! We went to Boccia last night - Paralympic sport, like bowling but sitting down (just in case no-one's heard of it!). Really nice group of people, my son really enjoyed himself and they insisted I had a go so I showed them my total lack of sporting prowess in any situation :) I would like to meet someone, although I'm aware that I've got a lot fussier as the years have gone by so I've probably narrowed the search down a fair bit!