What gives you your sense of self worth

[Twoapenny]

I am officially in love with this therapist

We talked about how hard I found it to do anything at the last session and the flashback afterwards, and about the wobbly week I've had since.  She feels young Tup might be too scared and unable to trust that we're trying to help her and that we need to work very slowly and not to rush things.  We've talked through loads of other ways of doing 'inner child' work - through painting, drawing, speaking (into a recording device), writing letters, even through music.  We've talked lots through and talked a lot about reassuring, comforting, feeling safe and so on.  I just kept feeling the anxiety lifting and came out feeling energised and eager to work, whereas I went in feeling exhausted and scared.  She really seems to work very intuitively and is willing to work in different ways which I'm finding very helpful.  I do feel tired but in a way that makes me think I'll enjoy a good night's sleep, not the way that makes you feel like you want to crawl under the duvet.  It was a good session and I'm eager to get on with some of the things she suggested

[Hopalong]

I'm in love with your T too, Tupp!

I am so so so happy she is beside you.

Magnificent still feels like the right word to me.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm in love with your T too, Tupp!

I am so so so happy she is beside you.

Magnificent still feels like the right word to me.

love
Hops

Lol, we are all in love with her!  I am trying to talk to little Tup, to comfort and reassure her that I want to help her to feel better.  I've been trying today to just have a dialogue with her in my head, in the way that I would if I was looking after a scared teenager who doesn't understand what is happening to her.  A funny thing occured to me; I realised that little Tup would have been very kind to my son and would have taken him under her wing if they had been in school together.  She always used to play with the kids that no-one else would play with and I can see her and my boy having a good time together

[Twoapenny]

Just updating so I don't forget things as I go along!

I've spent today having an internal dialogue with little Tup (or teenage Tup, to be more specific), just as I've got on with what I'm doing and just as if someone had brought a teenage girl round to me today and said "she's had a rough time, can you have her at yours for a bit?".  It's been really interesting, it brought home to me how no-one paid her the slightest bit of attention or even noticed she was alive.  The thing that kept coming up is that she doesn't feel safe because my house is so close to the house I was abused in.  I don't know why I haven't noticed how weird this is before.  But anyway, that was the thing that kept coming up and I remember reading an article years ago about coping with that (irrational) fear that people can be left with after abuse, and one of the suggestions was that you set your rooms up so the door is always visible and has something hanging over it, the idea being that if you are aware that no-one can get in without you knowing you will feel safer.  I've spent the afternoon re-arranging furniture and hanging mirrors and wind chimes up to make the house feel safer and funnily enough it's worked.  It feels more comfortable and homely as well, so funny how something like that can make a difference.

I'm going to see an old school friend tomorrow, part of my pro active drive to spend time with people I like.  Feel very tired but it's been a good day.

[lighter]

Tupp:

It's lovely to read you've made your home feel safe, and you still adore your new T.


Yay! Yay!

Sorry about your son's bad day. and just when he seemed to be doing so well too. 

I do think there's a correlation between taking time for yourself, and your son's rough patch.  Our children have to change routines as they mature, and that job is harder than can be imagined.... for us to guide, and them to adjust, IME.  Esp when we're living under water, under siege, and keeping our life focus narrowed down to survival and kiddos, IME.

((((Tupp and son)))

Keep posting updates.  They're wonderful to read: )

Light

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

It's lovely to read you've made your home feel safe, and you still adore your new T.


Yay! Yay!

Sorry about your son's bad day. and just when he seemed to be doing so well too. 

I do think there's a correlation between taking time for yourself, and your son's rough patch.  Our children have to change routines as they mature, and that job is harder than can be imagined.... for us to guide, and them to adjust, IME.  Esp when we're living under water, under siege, and keeping our life focus narrowed down to survival and kiddos, IME.

((((Tupp and son)))

Keep posting updates.  They're wonderful to read: )

Light

Lighter, thank you, and all of that makes a lot of sense   The paramedics who came out were wonderful; one of them used to work with autistic teenagers and she said that the hormone surges in puberty can have a huge impact on neurological problems and exacerbate them hugely, which makes sense.  It also means that hopefully this won't last forever!  He's fine now, he managed the day out yesterday okay and we've got a reasonably quite few days coming up.

Yesterday was lovely; we caught up with an old school friend who has three lovely kids and then went to a wildlife park.  We got lost on the way and ended up going through a couple of lovely little villages with free roaming horses just casually trotting about; one was in the pub garden looking like he wanted to nick someone's beer and another was trying to get in a shop, lol, they looked like they were having a nice day out.  My son thought it was hilarious.  I bought teenage Tup another windchime in the gift shop; very pink and girly and currently twinkling away by the front door   I feel very tired today and she's very quiet so I'm not sure if those two things are related.

I'm going to ramble now, just because it helps me to get things out of my head!  A bit unrelated to what's going on at the moment, really, but I feel better if I write it down

I've a friend who blows very hot and cold.  She's a good friend and her home situation isn't easy so I don't mind the blowing hot and cold too much, although it has been bothering me more recently.  It bothers me most because after she's ignored me for several months she seems to expect me to leap to attention when she contacts me!  I've not heard from her for such a long time, probably at least a couple of months.  I've left a few messages, sent the odd text but she does do this so I don't push it because I think it's just how she copes when things are difficult for her.  However, she's popped up again and left a message on the answerphone yesterday.  We didn't get home till fairly late so I didn't ring back.  By 9 o'clock this morning she'd texted four times.  I feel like I'm being pestered!

It's my birthday next week and about three weeks ago I contact six people to invite them for a birthday picnic, one of whom was her.  No-one got back to me so I have arranged to do something else with my son.  The reason she's calling now is to arrange dropping off my present.  I know it's very nice of people to do presents but I'm kind of at that age now where I'm not really fussed about birthdays and I am worried about my boy at the minute so the whole birthday thing isn't really on my mind.  I've said twice I don't mind, I'm not really in a birthday mood and she's welcome to pop round or post it, whatever's easier (I have said thanks for being kind enough to get a present as well, lol!).  The next message is saying it's not really about the present, she wants to see us and wants to know when it's convenient.  It's not really convenient; my boy's not well, I'm exhausted, I'm trying to look after young Tup (and I'm enjoying doing that actually, I sort of feel like I don't want anyone else butting in?).  Again I've tried to explain politely that I can't really arrange things at the mo (my son's a bit up and down and obviously he's my priority so I don't want to have the pressure of knowing x is supposed to be coming over).  And unfortunately that's what it feels like at the moment, pressure to do something.  Had she just left the message and not contacted again I'd have got in touch over the weekend but I feel like I'm being pushed to someone else's timetable and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  Anyway - just a ramble to get it all out of my head

[sKePTiKal]

Wow... hearing you describe your work with little Tupp reminds me of lots of things, in my own work. I don't know if this kind of work has a specific name... or if there's a section in T-training where they focus on various ways to guide us through doing it (I always felt I was on a journey of discovery in a new land - myself - LOL). The T's that are pretty good at this are invaluable, I think. Even though we end up doing the "heavy lifting" - we couldn't do this without them.

In a lot of ways, I'm still working on this particular topic. Maybe I always will be.

I really think you're going in the right direction, and that lines up with the rest of your goals now. Little Tupp might be afraid of what you'll uncover, but for you -- this is going to be treasure. And you just need to reassure little Tupp you'll always love her and she can tell you anything; anything at all... and that even if you're angry with her sometimes... you're always going to love her... even if she's angry with you.

[Twoapenny]

Wow... hearing you describe your work with little Tupp reminds me of lots of things, in my own work. I don't know if this kind of work has a specific name... or if there's a section in T-training where they focus on various ways to guide us through doing it (I always felt I was on a journey of discovery in a new land - myself - LOL). The T's that are pretty good at this are invaluable, I think. Even though we end up doing the "heavy lifting" - we couldn't do this without them.

In a lot of ways, I'm still working on this particular topic. Maybe I always will be.

I really think you're going in the right direction, and that lines up with the rest of your goals now. Little Tupp might be afraid of what you'll uncover, but for you -- this is going to be treasure. And you just need to reassure little Tupp you'll always love her and she can tell you anything; anything at all... and that even if you're angry with her sometimes... you're always going to love her... even if she's angry with you.

I'm surprised at how much I'm enjoying it, Skep, it really is like you're discovering yourself and what you like and don't like.  I think I've probably mentioned this before but years ago I read a book about growing up with an N parent and there were various exercises to try, one of which was to right down all your favourite things.  It was a long list, favourite food, favourite colour, place to go on holiday, clothes, music and so on.  I couldn't answer a single question, because I just had no idea what I liked.  I could answer every single one for my mum, however.  In fact I'm thinking I should probably go and have a look at that again soon to see what's changed

[lighter]

I adored reading about the horses, Tupp.... and your son's joy in seeing them.

Your joy.

::nodding::

Being lost is typically fraught with stressful tunnel vision, IME,  but you were able to SEE past it and smell the roses.  How wonderful.

Lovely lovely lovely, and I'm all for keeping the friend at arms length when it feels right.  At some point we stop allowing our boundaries to be trompled by others, esp when we do it out of habit/obligation/guilt/pressure to do so.

Just.....
   take your SPACE.

It's yours, and you honestly don't have to have an excuse, IMO.  just.... own it. 

It's time I think.

::nodding::

The friend will likely benefit from the space left open by your absence, IME.  Maybe she'll find some treasure herself.... grow, stretch herself? 

It could happen
::nodding emphatically::

In the meantime, the energy you spend identifying negative patterns isn't really a loss if you learn from it, right?  You're growing toward the light... you're moving toward serenity.  It's all good.

::nodding::

I think that makes it easier to view your needy friend with compassion.

 
(((Tupp and son)))
Light

[Twoapenny]

I adored reading about the horses, Tupp.... and your son's joy in seeing them.

Your joy.

::nodding::

Being lost is typically fraught with stressful tunnel vision, IME,  but you were able to SEE past it and smell the roses.  How wonderful.

Lovely lovely lovely, and I'm all for keeping the friend at arms length when it feels right.  At some point we stop allowing our boundaries to be trompled by others, esp when we do it out of habit/obligation/guilt/pressure to do so.

Just.....
   take your SPACE.

It's yours, and you honestly don't have to have an excuse, IMO.  just.... own it. 

It's time I think.

::nodding::

The friend will likely benefit from the space left open by your absence, IME.  Maybe she'll find some treasure herself.... grow, stretch herself? 

It could happen
::nodding emphatically::

In the meantime, the energy you spend identifying negative patterns isn't really a loss if you learn from it, right?  You're growing toward the light... you're moving toward serenity.  It's all good.

::nodding::

I think that makes it easier to view your needy friend with compassion.

 
(((Tupp and son)))
Light

Yes that all makes sense, Lighter, and she's a very good friend in other ways so I don't want to not have her around at all, I just find I feel a bit put upon sometimes, perhaps more at the moment because a lot is going on for me - I feel a bit like I have two children to look after at the mo, lol, so perhaps there's just not space for another adult right now

The horses were great, it's that freedom, isn't it?  It's their domain and they go where they like, you can't really argue with a horse!  And it's lovely when you see people adjusting what they do to accommodate those animals.  There's a mill pond near us and a big gaggle of very cheeky geese.  There are often queues of traffic there because the geese just wander about on the road to visit the gardens opposite and people just sit there and wait for them to pass.  I like it because a lot of people are in such a rush all the time and very full of their own importance so I do love the way that sometimes they just have to sit still and watch the scene unfold

We've had a nice day helping to paint our local community centre.  I'm just doing a simple meal this evening, I've a film to watch and I'm going to paint my nails and finish off a little pot I'm making to hold a small candle which is going to go out by the front door; another little 'making Tup feel safe' thing that I'm enjoying

[Twoapenny]

Another update!

This week has been a bit of a funny one, I think that there has been a lot going on under the surface?  Early in the week I had a very strong sense that young Tup just wanted to be dead and I didn't really know what to do in that situation.  The week took on its own momentum and things feel more peaceful now so I think something has sort of shifted itself without my needing to do anything specific about it?

It was my birthday this week and I took my son to a safari park for the day.  A friend met us there with her husband and son and it was such a lovely day out I really couldn't have hoped for anything more.  Both the kids really enjoyed it and I am slowly finding it easier to focus on the good people in my life who are there for me and who I enjoy spending time with instead of the people who do odd or weird things and that I find difficult to be around.  My son's doing better again at the minute which is really nice and life just seems calmer and more settled.  The house is clean and tidy and I've been spending a bit of time on craft projects, which I really enjoy.

[Twoapenny]

Counselling last night and I am finding it tough going at the minute - tough to reconnect with my younger self and incredibly tough living where I do.  There are memories and people I can't stand all around me, as well as the area itself just being very poorly resourced which means we have to travel a lot to do basic things.

Bumped into someone in the supermarket - someone I thought was a friend, years ago, but various things have happened over the years that showed me she wasn't.  We chatted briefly but I came out wishing I hadn't seen her.  Just reminded me of everything I don't like and don't want to have in my life.

We are going to move within the next three months.  I can't begin to imagine having to spend another Christmas here.  I have realised that I put a huge amount of energy into coping with being here.  I'm so exhausted I just can't see the wood for the trees.  So the move needs to happen.  The downside will be we'll be too far away for me to see the therapist.  Initially I had thought I would stay put until I'd finished my work with her but I feel living here is actually making it harder for me to do the work in the first place.  There are still plenty of sessions before we go and I am learning lots of techniques with her that I can use after we move.  I can find another therapist a bit further down the line if need be.  I feel like a prisoner in my own house; there are just too many triggers wherever I go around here and too many people that I just don't want to see anymore.

[lighter]

Whew.... so glad to read the move is happening before Christmas, Tupp.

Young Tupp, and son will have Mother Tupp moving through more relaxed space.... building new holiday rituals, and keeping cherished ones in place in new safe nest.  Leaving old triggers, people, and place behind really sounds like a blessing to me. 

About the T, can you keep her, even with phone sessions, until you find a new T after the move?

It might take some time, and finding the right T is uber important, IMO.  I don't think phone sessions, with a trusted very wise T, are a bad thing.

(((Tupp and son)))

The journey continues: )
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
If at any point the idea of a physical move seems too unsettling, could you trust this T to help you build a plan to get through the holidays in emotional safety?

I totally cheer your plan to get relocated, completely. But I also think that moving is so huge to the psyche that if you're making powerful progress with this T, it might be worth examining whether a sudden decision to move NOW might be an emotional impulse to ride out. I'm saying that because: 1) you've just gotten in touch with your inner adolescent's suicidal pain, 2) run into a person who houses bad memories, and 3) are increasingly aware of how toxic it feels to live exactly where you do. I think the latter is huge and valid, but I wonder if the decision to move now might be more an implusive reaction to the first two.

So...it might work out fine to move house before Christmas. But in case after the emotions change you question that decision, there might also be value in sticking it out a while longer so that you don't abort the work with your T. Or in moving instead to a different local place, to give yourself a full year with this T.

I would urge you to trust your strength and know that whether it's before-holiday or after, you do have the ability to continue your insight and growth, and make wise decisions that are stabilizing for you.

Don't misunderstand--I totally support your awareness that you need to wind up somewhere else. I'm only a little concerned about the timing. Partly to ask, is it about these very painful and naked feelings that are coming up in the T work? If that's so, is it possible the sudden decision to move immediately is what they call in AA a "geographical cure"? The reason I ask is that over the years, I've heard so many times that although of course you can move to be not across the street...perhaps in chucking it all for a different area entirely, just as you've started amazing work with an amazing T....the impulse to go NOW might be to escape from feeling, sitting with, being patient with, taking the risks about, and continuing the difficult and scary work of trusting another person (AND yourself) with that depth of intimacy. It's exhausting, draining, and overwhelming--this life-changing work. And the AA reference means, when you move geographically, you take yourself with you.

I think the INNER journey you've embarked on will ultimately change your life more than any geographical one. So I'm concerned about you tossing away that map so readily.

Love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops and Lighter, thank you, as always, for your responses.  They mean a lot

Hopsie, I hear ya!  There is an element of escaping from it to moving, always has been with me (I think it's the reason travelling has always held such an appeal for me).  But there are also practical elements as well.  I can't afford the therapy beyond the end of November anyway.  We're on a relatively tight budget so the money for therapy comes out of the general household budget for groceries, utilities, fuel and so on.  So it isn't something I can generally do long term (and she has very kindly given me a discount due to my circumstances as well).  It's fine, I'm used to doing therapy this way and it's one of the reasons I try and do a lot of work on myself in between sessions (and I have to say this board is an invaluable source of therapy for me as well).  But it isn't something I would be able to carry on with beyond the next two to three months.  I could probably pick it up again next summer and do another few months then.

It's also difficult because of course my son's needs come into it all as well and I need to submit the funding application for his college place in six months time.  We need to be living in the area the college is otherwise the funding becomes much more complicated and it will be harder to get because payments are made by your local authority.  If I'm trying to get our local authority to pay for a college that's two hundred miles away it will cause all sorts of problems and delays so it's more likely to go smoothly if we are living in the area.  I do feel really strongly at the moment that I have been really stupid in living this close to them.  He's literally across the road.  I see his truck most weeks.  I feel like those people you see on hoarding programmes who say they didn't really notice the mess when they're living in houses they can't even walk through because the clutter is floor to ceiling?

There's time for another eight to ten sessions before Christmas, give or take a couple, so I sort of feel in terms of what I can cope with in one go that's going to be enough.  I do feel I get to a point where I need a break from all the self examination and being raw and having things dragged out of me.  And I do think that living somewhere where there is something else to focus on other than my family will be really good for me.  I kind of feel like I'm going to go crazy if I keep living here indefinitely.  Even forgetting about my family it is a ghastly place to live, lol, and if we hadn't been so skint and in such a crisis I'd never have moved here.

I do look back on the past and I can see times when if something didn't happen it turned out for the best.  So I'm kind of thinking that if moving isn't the right thing now then it won't happen anyway.  I can't really explain it.

I will keep posting and seeing how things go and, the good thing for us is that we rent which is much easier to change or not change depending on circumstances so in a practical way it's going to be easy to change plans if I need or want to.  I do appreciate very much the input and support I get on here and people being kind and interested enough in me to point out things I might not be seeing (which can be a lot!) and I do thank you all very much