Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on October 27, 2019, 01:01:41 PM
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Well I thought I would start this to keep track of my progress towards this next new phase :) What has become apparent is that this move will be very focused on leaving the past behind - mum and all people who know mum or who know people who know mum will not know where we are. There will be much not knowing going on! Lol. Paperwork is not coming with us this time - it will be sorted, scanned, archived if necessary and everything else will be burnt. There will be a full on 'witch over the cauldron' ceremony that night, I can tell you. I have a lot of son's younger home ed stuff that I kept 'in case' I needed to prove what I was doing. Some will be kept but much can go. I have many photos that still need arranging in albums and frames - that's on the to do list. I want to have a good home ed programme up and running for son, focusing mostly on various therapies that support him and on his various interests. The idea now is that I get the programme organised and in place, with me doing everything, and over time I can take on carers and train them to do the same stuff that I do. It's not difficult, it's just knowing it and being able to do it regularly so it will be easy enough to show other people the ropes.
I also want some work from home in place - I can set that up over time and just keep adding to it, hopefully. So in actual fact, getting the money together to move will pretty much happen on its own. By the time I've sorted everything else out, I think I'll have saved enough to just get on with it, so I think it might all go rather smoothly?
I'm also focusing on our health (mine and son's) as there's no point moving house only to be so exhausted from doing it that neither of us can function for weeks afterwards. So regular meals, rest, sleep, yoga and fresh air are top of the list as well. And I'm trying to look on the rest of our time here as an opportunity to get ourselves in a good position for the next stage. So I will update on this when another small step is taken and hopefully before long I will be packing and organising vans! xx
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Whoo! HOO! Tupp...
THAT is a plan: )
You can count on my support over that cauldron. I'm always up for a good burning ritual. I'm overdue for one, myself.
Lighter
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Oh so so proud of all your plans.......
So good for you to make a move about yourself and your son.....
Lots of smooth days ahead I hope.....and a good healthy move to boot....
Love, Bettyanne xo
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Good choice on a new plan Tupp; this IS the witch's new year after all - Samhain.
The rituals include honoring the past & deceased ancestors; welcoming them for the one night; sometimes food & drink is offered - in a silent meal; and at the end of the ritual -- letting all that go into the past. Fire is also recommended... as well as affirming your new goals for the next "year", while acknowledging that you're letting old, non-helpful habits go.
:D
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Tupp,
You are the embodiment of creativity and resilience.
I know that whatever plans you make, make sense. And that in reaching to achieve them, you give yourself focus and hope.
I know too that if an unavoidable change comes, or the plan does go exactly-precisely-perfectly as planned, you've had a lot of practice accepting and adapting, too. I usually trip up on perfectionism when I make such long-range plans, and often collapse with evaporating will. Your will is iron.
You are amazing. Awe inspiring!
Hugs
Hops
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Thank you all :) It is just planning at the moment but part of me is aware now that, whatever I do, I can't make any plan perfect and however hard I work, things can go wrong and I could end up in an even worse situation than I am now. So I think with me it's finding that balance between planning as well as can be expected but having to let go of that last 10% of control because there's just always going to be that margin of error and disaster. I think I also need to really work on letting go of painting a picture of it all in my mind and then being so crestfallen when the reality is so different. And stop with my, "Oh that will do, I'll cope" approach to just about everything, which is what sees me finding myself living in this horrible house that gets me down and feels like hard work every day. I think it's an extension of my difficulties of saying no to people ("No, I don't want to live in this house you're renting out, it's horrible) and of my ultra 'do it different to my mum' approach. She was always so fixated on her house and her stuff that I've always been the complete opposite and rated it as the least important thing. But I do feel now that I would at least like to be comfortable and have enough storage space to keep the place tidy, and have a nice little garden I can sit in quietly without barking dogs and nosy neighbours driving me insane.
So yes, lots of questions, lots of checking things, lots of being realistic and lots of planning. Lots of time! If it takes two, three, four years to move on to the next phase, so be it. It will just have to take that long.
Son has had another terrible couple of days at college and I'm not taking him in now for another fortnight for the sake of my mental health. I won't bore you with all the details but it is, yet again, people not following procedure and causing problems for him by doing so. And my efforts to, once again, get people working together, reading information and being proactive being met with walls of excuses and cries of "It's not my fault, I'm just the messenger". The whole system makes me ill (Skep, I can empathise with Buck's situation, the walls of paperwork and procedure that prevent the obvious and sensible from taking place really sicken me) and it genuinely makes me ill - headaches, sickness, exhaustion, palpitations, chest pains, there's a whole raft of things that come on now so I've signed son off for another fortnight because I just need a break from it all. I did enquire about using some of his budget to pay for a taxi to take him in and bring him home but it means the entire thing being reassessed again which will take months and I wanted it for next week. But the situation is unworkable for me and, as I said on the other thread, I'm not ready to give in and accept sub-standard provision yet.
Which brings me to my other piece of news that is a bit of a weird one! It might be possible for us to be rehoused in the area we lived in before (within half an hour or so of she who must not be named). I don't know how your housing works over there but here we have two rental systems, a private one and a local authority one. Private rentals are expensive and difficult to get if you're not in paid employment (like me). The government pays part of the rent but not all of it so I have to make up the difference out of the money I get for looking after my son (which isn't a huge amount). Most private landlords won't accept tenants that are subsidised in this way and the ones that do generally have the sort of houses like the one I live in now, that only people without other options will rent. So it's difficult and expensive.
Local authority housing is cheap (easily covered by the local subsidy), has to be kept in good condition by the local authority and once you're in, the place is yours to do what you want with it. It's also very difficult to get; there are very long waiting lists and it's in high demand. But because we lived in the previous area for such a long time and we have family in the area (albeit family we want nothing to do with) it prioritises us over other people. So there is a chance that we could get a local authority place back where we lived before.
The two main problems with that are obviously my mum being nearby again and the fact that I know that there is little in the way of support for my son around there. The advantage would be that, once you've been in place for a year, you can swop houses with someone in any other part of the country that you like. So you can move from one area to another without having to pay deposits, get past letting agent criteria or having to take horrible private rentals. So it might mean we move back there for a year, then swop to move to the nice, vibrant town I've got my eye on at the minute.
At the moment it's only a possibility; I'm waiting to hear back from them and might hear we've no chance anyway. If we have got a chance, I might decide living that close to my mum again just isn't worth the bother. But it's another option to investigate, think about and give some consideration to so it's on the list of things to look into and we'll see how we get on.
That's all for now! Lol xx
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I'm GLAD you may have multiple options, Tupp. Even the wild-haired one near home. You could find that being near her has lost its electric power. Tedious, sad if you spend much time on it, but not frightening. That's all that matters, really. That you no longer be frightened. If that option makes sense, you will re-set boundaries around your mother should she become aware, and you might find you do it with less panic than you used to.
I can really relate to this:
need to really work on letting go of painting a picture of it all in my mind and then being so crestfallen when the reality is so different.
It may seem a strange comparison, but it's an exact corollary to how I feel about relationships. Fantasizing nearly poisoned me to death, imo. I got SOOOO damaged by my ability to fantasize about the perfect this or that, that the hurt when they (relationships) failed was devastating. I am not willing to do that to myself ever again. Another thought I have about it is that interminable fantasizing is addictive. Was to me anyway.
I really like that you're asserting basic human dignity in what you want in a home now: enough space for comfort, cleanliness, a garden, and even storage. (My happy addiction to "tiny house" videos has shown me how lovely (not cozy as in desperately cramped, but cozy as in full of light and warmth and NOT DAMP) very small homes can be. Storage isn't a big deal to me because I don't like having so much stuff. That's influenced by the minimalist style and primarily my anti-consumerist feelings. Even though I'm not living in a sleekly organized, minimalist space. I just no longer enjoy shopping or acquiring. Rather have my health, more time free and less $$ stress.
As to justice and equality? It's wrenching to let go the personal expectation of them, but as ideals they're powerful. It's just that the fight fight fight fight fight can drain the life out of you. I've decided that my interest in supporting these things will never leave me, but taking them so personally has to. I will talk animatedly about these issues with others. Socially, I volunteer and give where I can. But recently (at nearly 70!) my expectations of personal justice (say with equality, ageism, etc) are not going to be fulfilled in my lifetime. I need to take satisfaction in ground gained for all, and in still believing as MLK Jr said: "...the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."
I think what kills us is grasping those ideals very powerfully, particularly with our personal acidic experiences of equality or justice denied, from childhood. I bet children of N's do that a lot. And gradually coming to see that the long arc can well mean, long past our lifetimes. So how do we cope with the truth of our present lives, in spite of their moral imperfections and disappointments? How do we maintain health and capacity for happiness and enough hope to believe in good things (possible things) happening?
It's a long slog. But I do believe people can learn to find peace.
Hugs
Hops
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Yep, I think all homes can be cosy, Hops, if they're designed well and there is somewhere to put everything. I don't have masses of stuff but what I do have I like to have put away but also to be able to get to it easily. And I don't have that here - there's a lot of wasted space even though it's a small house because of the positioning of doors and radiators and there's spaces that would benefit from storage being built into them, but I don't have the money or the inclination to do that. So stuff is piled up in there and if I need to get something I have to start pulling boxes out to get to the one I need. It's just a pain so yes, a nice place in a nice area is definitely on the list now.
I heard back from the local authority and we are now on the list back where we used to live. It's a long list and it's probably more likely that we'll get another private rental before we get a local authority one but it does give us another option should we need it and I kind of liked the fact that I felt I could even contemplate living anywhere near her again. And yes, I can identify very much with what you say about imagining the perfect relationship. I think with me a lot of it stems back to my dad dying when I was little. I missed him so much and I used to come up with all these stories in my head about how they might have made a mistake and my dad was in a coma and they'd buried someone else, that sort of thing - so much detail I could see it all in my mind. Sometimes I used to imagine getting home from school and him being sat on the sofa with some long explanation about how there had been a mix up and he was fine and it would seem so real that when I got home I'd be crestfallen that he wasn't there. And I think I've just carried on doing that about everything really, always imagining that something amazing is going to happen and pull me out of this pit. So yes, reality only from now on. I'll assume I just do everything myself and if anything is better than that it will be a bonus :)
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((Little Tupp, missing her Dad))
That image made my head hurt.
I'm going to picture you at the beach... watching the waves, and birds, and colors of the water. Just breathing, and feeling safe, and calm.... and revisiting this memory when you're super level, and in observation mode. When you can get yourself into a happy place.
When your entire brain is available to you, you can bring your focus back to this.... to finish processing this painful memory, and file it where it belongs. Out of your daily life, future relationship life, still wishing and longing for life, bc you deserve a clean slate, Tupp. This is unfinished business, Tupp, and it will keep coming up, demanding to be tended to, until grown up you can tend to it, IME.
How do you get yourself level, Tupp? What is your happy space? What does that look like for you? It took me a bit to FIND my happy place, bc I was so reactive to so many things..... mourning things that had passed..... things that had gone.... that children still suffer... just seeing a children's picture on a T's wall meant I had to close my eyes, and start over and over and over again... until I distilled my happy garden down into pure joy..... I'm talking about what I was wearing, what the sky looked like, the dirt, which I replaced with black Ohio earth, and the fence, and trees, and grass, and garden gloves or lack of gloves.... pulling weeds, and tying vines heavy with fruit.... the smell of tomatos... the entire plant... the feel of warm fruit.... picking it, putting in baskets marked for the people I love..... just BEING there trasports us, bc the brain believes we're THERE, and our biology responds to that reality.
It's the same when we're stuck in a painful story. We get stuck in that same plave in our brain, where the story and emotions still live like it's the present.
If you can get your brain calm, and in your happy place, you can remove the stress that keeps your brain from processing the painful unfinished business that keeps you focused on solving them, IME.
You don't have to think of the painful stories long at all. Just long enough to pull up the emotions around them..... then put the story back down, and don't think of it again. Just stay focused on the emotions that came with the story, put your hands on it, and describe it to yourself.... give it a number from 1-10, is it pain?
Pressure? Tension? Burning pain? Pounding and dull?
Once you're there, go back to your happy place, and begin to notice all the things you've identified as happy about it. The sights, the smells, the colors, and space in that place..... all around you there is space.
Bring that space into your pain/tension/stress points, and breathe it into those places.... I picture pink cotton. Breathe it in, and breathe it in, and fill that space with spaciousness.
If you can't, you might be overwhelmed, and need to push on walls a bit, or practice the EMDR or walking backwards a bit BEFORE your nervous system can calm down to a place where you can breathe your way out of it, but YOU CAN BREATHE YOUR WAY OUT OF IT, Tupp.
There are things they don't teach us about using our breathe and mindfulness, and it can knock the air out of us, and make us believe we can't do it.
I spent 10 years believing I couldn't do it. My martial arts instructor sat me down, and I failed, and it left a deep mark on me..... failure.... resentment..... I got chagrined when I heard the word MEDITATE.
But the word mindfulness didn't have any negativity attached to it. So my T didn't use the word meditate until I was doing Ok with the mindfulness thing, and able to understand what work we were doing inside my brain and body.
We're simply trying to calm our brains down enough to bring our entire brain to HELP process the stuck emotions. The place in our brain, where the hard emotions live, can't do it on it's own. That's why we practice.... to calm ourselves and allow our brains to finish processing.
Lighter
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((((Tupp)))))).
When my bewildered D stood in the memorial garden with her stepmom and me and the minister, where her father's plaque was being installed on the lovely curving wall, she finally said, "I don't know where he is" -- we both answered her in unison: "He is IN YOU." I know your Dad is in you. And I'm so terribly sorry you lost him so young. Let him speak from the place in you that IS HIM. That says, I'm here, I will always be here, and I always am loving you. Connect to not just his loss, but his love.
Lighter, your cogent summary of this work reminds me so much of what hypnosis did for me (likely because meditating on my own wasn't working). It was astonishing, how deep in my mind my own "happy place" is (a small glen on a mountainside with a pool of dappled sunlight in the center). Next to that, was the self-hypnosis experience of encountering my own inner child one day, an episode I've often recounted here. Once I reached her, how real she was, and told her "I am so sorry I couldn't protect you then, and I am so sorry for your sadness. I am here now, I will be with you always and I will never leave you again" and actually felt her little arms go around my neck....
I believe with all my heart that it was that day I discovered self-love. Everything good since has been connected to that experience, even though I don't always consciously call it up.
And how it works is exactly what you said:
just BEING there transports us, bc the brain believes we're THERE, and our biology responds to that reality.
It's the same when we're stuck in a painful story. We get stuck in that same place in our brain, where the story and emotions still live like it's the present.
If you can get your brain calm, and in your happy place, you can remove the stress that keeps your brain from processing the painful unfinished business
Thanks to both of you.
Hugs
Hops
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I think you're right, they're in many ways the same.
Mediation is self-hypnosis, in a way, and hypnosis with the clinical practitioner is like the difference between yoga alone vs. yoga with teacher.
I do think your martial arts training sounds a lot like your breakdown of how you're changing internally, Lighter.
It's remarkable how all our different methods of self healing are ultimately unique to us as individuals. There's no one size fits all method or pattern, there just isn't. But each of us stumble/walk/study/discover our way to the insights that illuminate our particular paths, and the ways of moving that can help us move down them.
Feeling abstract,
Hops
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Wow, you guys have been writing me essays, thank you! It will take me a while to read through everything and I just want to write this down quickly while I think of it.
I've been reading a bit about psilocybin being used to treat various conditions, as well as things like cannabis and MDMA. I was watching a thing on YouTube about a guy taking magic mushrooms, and as part of that he mentioned parenting, and how, if we don't form or have a strong bond and/or influence with a parent (or someone in a parental position), then we take our parenting cues and life lessons from our peers - which isn't good, because they're as clueless and inexperienced as we are. He only mentioned it briefly in relation to something else he was talking about but it just rang such a huge bell with me.
My mum was very good at the practical stuff - meals were cooked, clothes washed, house clean, we didn't go without (in fact, on the fairly impoverished estate we lived on we were among the more fortunate kids). But there were no life lessons at all, and never have been. I don't think she's learnt anything in life other than drinking to cope and burning people when they displease her. She passed on absolutely no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family. And why I get so crest fallen and upset when it doesn't happen, or sometimes it does but then I stop fitting in for some reason and lose contact with people.
And it made me wonder if it's why I move from place to place - looking for somewhere I can belong and fit in and find the people I want to give me guidance and support. I don't know quite what to make of it yet - it's just a wondering that's been sparked in my mind, but it's something that I want to look into more. Not that it means I won't move - but it's something I'd like to explore in a lot more depth to see if that's something to do with why I never feel I belong anywhere and if I can find some way to fix it rather than moving only to be disappointed again.
Will catch up on the other threads a bit later - off to watch the fireworks in a bit xx
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no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.
That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!
Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."
That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.
It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.
I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.
We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.
Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops
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no knowledge at all and didn't give us any guidance on boys, friendships, relationships, jobs, school work, money management, absolutely nothing. We figured it out for ourselves as we went along and I have always taken prompts and guidance from other people. And it suddenly made me wonder if that's why I'm always looking for 'something' that will be where I belong - some group or location where I will fit in and be part of a family.
That makes so much sense, Tupp. It's like, you have taught yourself SO much but don't give yourself credit for being an amazing teacher -- and learner!
Everybody needs love and belonging, not just competence. I think your competence is over the top. The thing about love and belonging though, is it's different when we're adults. I WISH every adult child of toxic parents could greet people with that raw need. But I think the reality is, building slow, humdrum, ordinary but recurring-regular-repeated connections with people...is what EVENTUALLY turns into "chosen family."
That's why finding people and continuing to connect where there's a small spark of affinity or liking can sometimes turn into actual friendships. We can't start with our raw vulnerability, but with the right people, over time we can be honest and open and share how we truly feel.
It's disarming and a gift, to be trusted. So as you find kind people and gradually see them regularly, those windows for sharing will open, and again OVER TIME, relationships will build. New forms of friendship, some lighter and some deeper...are possible for you. Always.
I'm nearly 70 and I can still make friends. I have fewer and it took me a long time to work in therapy on healing myself before I could get a grip on the raw need, but I'm much more comfortable now finding a balance between over-exposure and wearing a mask. Over time, I learned to be real because I love myself. And I know that if one person or another doesn't click with me, that's OKAY.
We live in a world of people, all of whom need love and belonging. It starts with liking and welcoming, and that means yourself. Then it's easier to extend that vibe to others.
Just my two cents, fwiw...
hugs
Hops
Hopsie, I think it's worth a lot more than two cents - especially what you say about finding the balance between over exposure and wearing a mask. I think that's probably my biggest challenge - being real and authentic, without feeling raw and vulnerable and without then feeling very rejected and hurt (and quite sulky and tantrum like, if I'm honest), but equally not pretending, which I find exhausting. And I think that's such a big thing with parenting - if you've got that safe space at home where you can utterly be yourself without being rejected or punished for being bad it gives you so much freedom to grown and develop. And if you don't have that it can create so many problems :)
I was listening to talks by Dr Gabor Mate last night. I went into a bit of a rabbit hole with various things and he talks about the links between emotions (usually unexpressed) and illness and about how we learn to repress our gut instincts from a very young age through social conditioning and parenting situations. It rang so many bells with me, particularly his thoughts on ignoring our gut instincts (which he thinks causes people a lot of problems in life). What I found particularly helpful about that is that I've really struggled to work out where it all went wrong for us with moving here, because I can't see where I made the error. With other things I can see where I ignored a red flag, or I didn't follow advice I was given, but I couldn't see anything like that with our current situation. Every step I took is the same step I would take with any move or education selection for my son. But when he talked about gut instinct I remembered two instances where I was thinking "no" but then my logic and reasoning over-ruled and I went ahead. The first was with getting back into the system with my son - we were having a lot of problems and I was already exhausted from fighting and was going to go back to home ed. Someone talked me out of it but I was right - we should have stuck with home ed. And secondly was this house. When we came to look round it, before I even got through the front door I thought "No way". The estate isn't nice, parking isn't great, the house itself was a wreck - filthy dirty, small, badly planned and it stank. The lady next door was screaming at her dog to shut up, the garden was horribly over-grown and it was more expensive than the lovely, spacious, clean flat I was currently living in. And I just thought "no way". But then I thought through the day and decided that my son's education was more important than where we live and I agreed to it. But I was wrong - we should have stayed where we were and we should have carried on home educating. I should have listened to my gut but I went with logic and reasoning instead. So today's lesson is listening to my gut, and my instinct as I woke this morning was to spend eight hours working on my health today, instead of eight hours working on my to do list :) So I am back in bed, listening to relaxing music, drinking tea and reading on Voiceless :) Lol xx
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I hear you, Tupp.
My heart sank when I first began to hear your descriptions of the mold, damp, dirt, cramped space, etc. Your nobility in combating despair there has been just incredible. Valiant and moving.
You WILL look back (from a well-lit, un-damp, pleasant space you've made your own, not through heroism but because it has decent bones to decorate!) on the current flat as a nadir. A touchstone.
You're pushing off from this. Whether it's six months or a year, you're not going to accept this level of discomfort or misery long-term for yourself OR your son.
I'm so sorry -- but I so get it. Should I give a list of everything I've learned the hard way? It'd be longer than a novel!!
I hope you don't berate yourself AT ALL, not even a TINY BIT...for a belated realization about the place. You had your priority, your boy, and you gave it everything you have. What is beautiful is how fertile you are for realization and learning and awakening and developing and internalizing and knitting together the pieces of knowledge you really do acquire, that are real and mature and reliable and valuable and awesome.
YOU are awesome.
So while you cuddle up to self care today, I hope you are feeling self-respect stream in the window. It's there and you deserve to feel it.
Love
Hops
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Bingo Hops.
Yes, that instinct - IMO - is one of the ways we can learn what makes us happy. (which is a whole 'nother topic for another day) Unless we gravitate to something - it's attractive to us - it's never going to "fill the bill" of contributing to our well-being. It's merely an accomodation; a compromise; eventually we tire of it.
Goes back to what I said on Lighter's co-dependence thread: there's always time (and reason too) to put yourself FIRST. And I think we always "know" - because we just "feel" that something is "right". Gut instinct.
Tupp: I heard your longing for "belonging" echo over here too. I have taken a lot of crap about how "selfish" and "limiting" my hermiting myself away on this property was/is. The theory goes something like: aren't you happy to share the wonders/pleasure of this place with other people? Well, yes, in a non-regular fashion. The occasional gathering of people here is enjoyable to me; for a limited amount of time. But the whole PURPOSE behind what I doing, with intentional isolation (which is supposed to be a terrible sin against ourselves) was learning to belong to ME.
Right or wrong; maybe even dangerous... my lack of "belonging" I suspected, was wrapped up in feeling like I didn't belong to ME. My time, attention, money & energy "belonged" to other people... caretaking, entertaining, guiding through tough times, and just plain R&R. That was my relationship style. So, I never really took care of myself - when I started therapy I didn't even know what I needed or wanted. I didn't have a vocabulary (an emotional one) for that. It wasn't how I was taught the world & reality was. And I was oh, sooooo goooood, at putting other people first. Very well trained.
Being alone; not seeing people for days and only communicating online or on the phone (irregularly) gave me a chance to belong to me. For the first time in my life. I so needed that; and I'm not done yet either. But of course, other people don't understand and swoop in to "rescue me" from what they perceive as an unfulfilling, tedious, awful choice of being alone. So, my work to understand myself - belong to my SELF - at a deeper level was interrupted and once again those neuro-habitrails of putting myself and my wants & needs last woke up and started operating again. I kind of realized it when I was getting upset, irritated and resentful again. And went to work on boundaries immediately.
It's helping; but not as much as being alone again. LOL......
disclaimer: I don't ever recommend the stuff & methods I do for me, to anyone else. Your results may vary dramatically.
But belonging to me, helps me be stronger in my self - when I am in that situation that triggers the old reflex again. I can see a marked difference between before & after. I didn't get completely sucked in - unwittingly - this time. And with a day's peace & quiet... now know what was going on; and can finally put it into words. It's getting easier and I'm getting better at it; still miles to go (IMO).
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Amber,
I think you're responding here to what I just posted to you on the Mindfulness & Codependence thread, right?
Very confusing to have posts move (I've done it myself, busted!) but it doesn't really matter. This beautiful board is one big flow of growth and process and articulation. It's awesome.
It's SO good to read your non-defensive embrace of your own nature and need for solitude.
Me, too. (In my case: Introverted extrovert. Was so amazed to discover that's a thing.)
Hugs
Hops
PS Let's talk about this more on Farm Life or wherever you think it fits, since this is Tupp's On the Move thread.
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Sorry, Hops, I did move a post from Tupp's thread to MINDFULNESS THREAD so Tupp has head space for her OT.
Lighter
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No worries, Light!
I'm just a confusedetarian...not fussed.
Hugs
Hops
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I hear you, Tupp.
My heart sank when I first began to hear your descriptions of the mold, damp, dirt, cramped space, etc. Your nobility in combating despair there has been just incredible. Valiant and moving.
You WILL look back (from a well-lit, un-damp, pleasant space you've made your own, not through heroism but because it has decent bones to decorate!) on the current flat as a nadir. A touchstone.
You're pushing off from this. Whether it's six months or a year, you're not going to accept this level of discomfort or misery long-term for yourself OR your son.
I'm so sorry -- but I so get it. Should I give a list of everything I've learned the hard way? It'd be longer than a novel!!
I hope you don't berate yourself AT ALL, not even a TINY BIT...for a belated realization about the place. You had your priority, your boy, and you gave it everything you have. What is beautiful is how fertile you are for realization and learning and awakening and developing and internalizing and knitting together the pieces of knowledge you really do acquire, that are real and mature and reliable and valuable and awesome.
YOU are awesome.
So while you cuddle up to self care today, I hope you are feeling self-respect stream in the window. It's there and you deserve to feel it.
Love
Hops
Hops, thank you, and do you know what I realised from reading your post? Is that I do need to look at what I've done from that point and try to focus on that, instead of focusing on what I'm still not happy about. It was an absolute grot hole when we moved in and there's still a lot about it that I don't like but do you know what? The front garden - very small and absolutely overgrown and a hideous mess when we moved in, is still very small but is now tidy, has some plants growing in pots I found buried in the debris in the back garden, has bird feeders out so we get some lovely birds now and we get two friendly cats who come to visit (probably to try to catch the birds, in fairness, but they're cute and like to be petted). So it's still not a great garden but it's better than it was. The windows that actually had mud on them when we moved in, and net curtains that were so dirty that I took them down to wash them and they didn't change shape because they were so stiff with dirt, they just sort of lifted off the window like cardboard, are now clean windows and I've bought inexpensive net curtains in charity shops for some windows and made a really pretty net curtain out of a shawl I bought in a charity shop as well, so they look a lot nicer now. And the whole place is like that - I've done a good job of polishing a turd, as some would say. Lol. It's not a great place but it's a lot better than it was and that's what I should try and focus on. I just need to work on not accepting so little next time so that I don't have to put so much work in to just making it habitable, I can put the effort in to something else next time :)
In other news - we won't be going back on the housing list in our last area (where my mum lives) because in order to go on the list I have to prove I have relatives living there - which would mean me getting a letter from my mum lol - absolutely not doing that. So that is off the list now, but was worth checking :) xx
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Bingo Hops.
Yes, that instinct - IMO - is one of the ways we can learn what makes us happy. (which is a whole 'nother topic for another day) Unless we gravitate to something - it's attractive to us - it's never going to "fill the bill" of contributing to our well-being. It's merely an accomodation; a compromise; eventually we tire of it.
Goes back to what I said on Lighter's co-dependence thread: there's always time (and reason too) to put yourself FIRST. And I think we always "know" - because we just "feel" that something is "right". Gut instinct.
Tupp: I heard your longing for "belonging" echo over here too. I have taken a lot of crap about how "selfish" and "limiting" my hermiting myself away on this property was/is. The theory goes something like: aren't you happy to share the wonders/pleasure of this place with other people? Well, yes, in a non-regular fashion. The occasional gathering of people here is enjoyable to me; for a limited amount of time. But the whole PURPOSE behind what I doing, with intentional isolation (which is supposed to be a terrible sin against ourselves) was learning to belong to ME.
Right or wrong; maybe even dangerous... my lack of "belonging" I suspected, was wrapped up in feeling like I didn't belong to ME. My time, attention, money & energy "belonged" to other people... caretaking, entertaining, guiding through tough times, and just plain R&R. That was my relationship style. So, I never really took care of myself - when I started therapy I didn't even know what I needed or wanted. I didn't have a vocabulary (an emotional one) for that. It wasn't how I was taught the world & reality was. And I was oh, sooooo goooood, at putting other people first. Very well trained.
Being alone; not seeing people for days and only communicating online or on the phone (irregularly) gave me a chance to belong to me. For the first time in my life. I so needed that; and I'm not done yet either. But of course, other people don't understand and swoop in to "rescue me" from what they perceive as an unfulfilling, tedious, awful choice of being alone. So, my work to understand myself - belong to my SELF - at a deeper level was interrupted and once again those neuro-habitrails of putting myself and my wants & needs last woke up and started operating again. I kind of realized it when I was getting upset, irritated and resentful again. And went to work on boundaries immediately.
It's helping; but not as much as being alone again. LOL......
disclaimer: I don't ever recommend the stuff & methods I do for me, to anyone else. Your results may vary dramatically.
But belonging to me, helps me be stronger in my self - when I am in that situation that triggers the old reflex again. I can see a marked difference between before & after. I didn't get completely sucked in - unwittingly - this time. And with a day's peace & quiet... now know what was going on; and can finally put it into words. It's getting easier and I'm getting better at it; still miles to go (IMO).
Argh, blooming hell, Skep, this bit - Right or wrong; maybe even dangerous... my lack of "belonging" I suspected, was wrapped up in feeling like I didn't belong to ME. My time, attention, money & energy "belonged" to other people... caretaking, entertaining, guiding through tough times, and just plain R&R. That was my relationship style. So, I never really took care of myself - when I started therapy I didn't even know what I needed or wanted. I didn't have a vocabulary (an emotional one) for that. It wasn't how I was taught the world & reality was. And I was oh, sooooo goooood, at putting other people first. Very well trained.
Yes, exactly, exactly that! I have spent my entire life either morphing to be what someone else needed or wanted or disassociating to get away from things that were happening - either in a psychological way or through drink, drugs, random sex encounters and so on. Absolutely no idea of who I was, what I wanted, or how to find it. My solitude and isolation has been more forced upon me, I think, rather than me making a conscious decision to withdraw but it has very much shown me what I don't want now. Certain people, places and situations just drain me completely and yes, boundaries, they need resurrecting a bit sharpish if other people breach and don't adhere to them. And yes, being alone, and being able to want to be alone means you can say no to people, turn down invitations, focus your energy where you want to focus it, rather than where other people want you to focus it (usually in some way that benefits them, I find). I do want to belong and find my tribe but I want to still belong to me while I do it. I think that's what I've found so hard over the years with boundaries, because so many people vanish from my life when I put them in place. Simply saying no to an invitation or trying to arrange something with someone in advance rather than doing it on the spur of the moment has been enough for some people not to see me again. But what I think must be out there are enough people who have strong enough boundaries themselves not to mind when someone else sets one? Maybe that's the key? When we get stronger and belong more to ourselves we also need to be around other people who don't lose their own sense of self when someone tells them no? xx
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Tupp:
I believe we send out unconscious signals to others...
"I will be easy to manipulate bc I care more about others than myself... I have a loving nature, and don't expect much from those I love.... I will nurture people who don't nurture me back.... I will accept less than stellar treatment, and remain loyal, I will give far more than I expect in return, etc."
We attract people with N ish traits, and they benefit from our generous natures, and desire to prove we're worthy, bc someone installed the negative belief....'We're not good enough, we can BE good enough if we do for others, and give enough, etc. Blah blah.... so sick of that underlying current in life. Just sick.
I don't trust myself not to repeat negative patterns. I'm learning about those patterns, how they were installed, and how to overcome them, but it's such a deeply installed message...there are so many layers of it, and it's pervasive in my life choices.
Because this morning's lesson seems very relevent, I'll share some of the lesson from the Codependence course I'm taking here: I'll be commenting in blue throughout.
MY DAILYOM
ABOUT US
Home : My Courses : From Codependent to Independent : Lesson 19: You Are Good Enough
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Lesson 19: You Are Good Enough
Hopefully, by now you are realizing that if you are doing too much for someone who makes you feel it's never enough, it's time to say, "I've had enough."
MORE THAN ENOUGH:
Enough implies sufficiency. Codependents usually go above and beyond that. Many of the people taking advantage of you secretly feel guilty because you do so much for them. They know they lack the capacity and desire to care like you do. They can't reciprocate your kind of intense kindness. They tell me this in my practice. It is sad but true. You need to know it.
Your gifts may not seem "good enough" or expensive enough to them and it makes you feel bad.
When you give to someone who is selfish, they minimize how they like or don't like the gift. They secretly may feel bad you are thoughtful and they are not. They may never admit this to you.
They may be trying to relieve their guilt by projecting it onto your gift.
It is not in their nature to give thoughtful gifts. Their gifts may feel forced or thoughtless, sometimes when you receive them. Yet, you make a big fuss and react with joy when you get an obligatory or forced gift from them.
Name any gifts you have received that felt forced from others. and how you received them.
Go deeper and describe how giving backfired and you ended up going from excited giving to feeling "not good enough" when your gift was criticized or minimized.
I know it's difficult to believe that some of the negative reactions to your giving are intentionally hurtful. However, you may have given so many thankless offerings to others, it's time to keep independently emerging. No longer allow a selfish person to diverge your generosity into feeling guilty.
Would you ever do that to someone? Of course not! You would sincerely say, thank you! I will cherish your gift and for thinking of me.
Write yourself a thank you note to express your appreciation for your own generosity. It may feel ridiculous, but appreciation needs to come from within so you can give without fear of rejection.
Note to self:
Thank you, (your name) ______________ for your loving support and kindness toward yourself. You have helped me learn ______________________________________________________.
You are more than enough because_______________________________________________.
Now when I give, I don't give out because___________________________________________.
I will now think before I give to __________________________because___________________________.
Feel free to get something nice for yourself. Do it if you feel like it. Be thoughtful and generous with yourself as if you were giving a gift to someone else. You will appreciate your gift to you better than anyone else ever has. It may also feel forced but it enforces your independence.
You no longer have to prove your worthiness. The world needs more loving and giving people.
That is who you are and what you do. God is Love. Remember to always listen to higher self in connection with the Creator who put you here for a purpose.
Now it is time to listen to what you are listening to and get clarity of your gifts.
THE MUSIC AND MEDIA OF CODEPENDENCY AND INDEPENDENCE:
Many of your favorite songs, films and shows have a significant impact on your subconscious. Some are closet codependent "mantras" and express a need to be needed. The songs that say. "I live for you, baby" or "I'd die for you, baby" are themes of many of these songs.
Love is intense. Love songs are popular, but they can also be a subliminal message that keeps you believing real love is all about sacrificing everything for one person. Love addicts keep chasing this excitement. It is not meant to last. Lasting love is meant to evolve into trusting and safe relationships.
Films and TV shows can have the same themes of living and/or dying for the love of another. Even Superheroes are symbols of martyrdom. They all have a weakness, that if discovered, can destroy them. Codependents would make great superheroes, if and only if, they did not disclose their weakness from the fear of abandonment. That is difficult to do without healing, which I hope you are pursuing with all your might. You can't heal others without being healed yourself.
Name any songs, films, shows or anything in media that you enjoy that could be a codependent message in disguise.
An example of an old song is:
I want to be happy
But I won't be happy
Till I make you happy too.
Life's really worth living
When we are mirth giving
Why can't I give some to you?
(Caesar, Youmans)
Note that these lyrics ask a question of Why can't I give you mirth? It implies if you take it from me, I will get happy. It also implies the person is being rejected trying to gain love through giving.
Our brains are very attuned to hearing tones through rhyming lyrics and tunes. What we listen to can affect us significantly and subliminally. Get conscious. It will help you respond and not react to codependent messages.
Write a 2 line rhyme that helps you to remember to be independent and in a healthy loving relationship, such as:
When I give my heart to you.
I know that you'll give yours to me, too!
Music is one of the quickest ways to engage many parts of the brain. It also connects our different brainwaves to one another, causing instantaneous communication between them. That is why when we hear certain songs we immediately flash back to a significant place and time, feeling all the emotions and seeing all the memories.
Brain waves pick up subliminal messages all the time by repetition. A hertz is a frequency of one cycle per second. It is repetition that we can subconsciously feel it in every way. In brief, the brain waves are:
Beta (14-30 Hz)-Cognition. Alertness. Fight/Flight/Frozen and anxiety responses.
Alpha (18.3.9-Hz)-Relaxation, beginning of meditation, serotonin production.
Delta (.1-3.9 Hz)-Accesses subconscious. Lack of body awareness begins.
Theta (4-7.9 Hz)-Deep meditation. Trance. Creativity. Memory enhanced. REM sleep. Greater potential for change of behavior. Learning retention increased.
This explains why meditation with the proper music is such a great catalyst and catapult for change.
SOCIAL MEDIA AND CODEPENDENCY:
All of those notifications of birthdays, holidays and other markers can put a codependent mind into overdrive. It can also make you sad to see how others are enjoying their life.
Get some distance so you can see the big picture of your life from a new perspective.
A "digital detox" is good so that you can get more in touch with yourself. Live your life. You don't have to post it to live it well or live vicariously through the posts of others.
LETTING GO OF OTHER SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES:
My father, the psychiatrist I mentioned, repeatedly taught me as a child to "Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man". Many of you got these mixed messages. My father always said "Women could never be included in the business world... that women were "missing that extra nerve" inferring women weren't nurturing, giving creatures, and we lacked the ability to care for others they way men did... with integrity, with honor, and compassion." OH MY GOD.... what an insane message to put in your dd's heads!When I got older, I had to translate this message into truth. It was really saying, being a lady meant keeping my opinions to myself. It also implied men were better thinkers than women. I also heard, "Make your own money, because men die and men leave". Though it encouraged independence, it imprinted fear. My mother said, "Women are put on this earth to serve men" and "Behind every successful man is a good woman." They were codependent making statements. I believed them at one time but with personal meditation and retraining my brain, I no longer do. My mother's messages were often about serving men as good companions... of being honored and valued for how women look, and not burdening men with children... not staying home with the children, but instead following the husband on the road, if he traveled, as priority over children. THIS was her message to me when I was parenting my own children. Her messages to me when I was a child.... that my sister and I were extensions of mother's teen beauty-queen self, and we should reflect well on her always.... there was no space for our little individual hearts, and that makes me very sad. In pictures we were always dressed like twins,very nice, hair tightly pulled back, and arranged on our heads in beautiful little buns that look painful.... and you can see very quiet despair on our faces. My little brother, 3 years younger, and an infanct in those photos.... he was typically screaming. I'm told he was a huge brat when he was a child. All that attention to what we were wearing, and how we looked. What attention did the baby and pre schoolers receive..... what nurturing care was available to us? Mother cared so much about how she appeared in public her preferred method of controlling us was to squeeze our wrists very hard, digging her nails into our skin..... I can picture the look on my sister's face as she cringes into silence, her head falling to the side in pain, face grimacing, as mother's lips tightened in frustration and embarrassment she wouldn't tolerate. It was about how she looked, not how we felt, or what age appropriate childood phases we were going through. She was young. She didn't know how to parent, and she didn't believe we were worthy of the very kind mother she had.... she used to say... .":My mother was the perfect mother for me.":
WTH did that mean? She wouldn't have been the perfect mother for us? WHY?My mother was the golden child in her family. Her mother thought she hung the moon, and she married the golden child in his family. They were just out of high school.
Write down and translate any mixed messages you received like this and below them write a challenging or opposite statement.
Example: The message from your past may be, "You are your own worst enemy." Write "I am my own best friend!"
Message:_______________________________________________
Challenge:______________________________________________
Message:_______________________________________________
Challenge:______________________________________________
Now go back and cross out the original, subliminal message of your past and say the challenge out loud. It helps when you use your voice. When you express yourself mentally and verbally it changes you emotionally and internally. The external and positive results will occur in time.
A more famous psychiatrist's daughter, Anna Freud (Sigmund Freud was her father) wrote:
"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence. But it comes from within. It was there all the time."
Perhaps, like you and me, Anna had to grow up and see that the messages from her father that may not have been her Truth or her life's path.
******UNDUE INFLUENCE AND COERCION:******
The people in our lives we deem to be important are the ones that can place these messages in us with the greatest of ease. Beware when you take anything that anyone says to you "with love". If it causes fear or you feel coercion, it can create codependent avalanches of poor choices. Undue influence means someone had the ability to get you to do what they want without your full conscious awareness. Through listening and recognition of your codependent needs, they are able to say things that sway you from your truth and steer your life into what benefits their need or greed.
Undue influence is a form of abuse and fraud and is used in court terminology when someone has been coerced by a close bond. The offender often works at systematically isolating the person they wish to control. They do it through messages of false "love". It is insidiously complex. They can convince you to choose the manipulative friends and get rid of real ones. It can cause you to choose unhealthy partners and spouses. Wealthy people are the most common targets. Wealth and fame can be intricately isolating. Those closest to them can control them with flattery or fear of exposure. The film "Love and Mercy" was a perfect example of this.
INFLUENCE YOURSELF:
Listen to you! Seek solitude and find your personal path. LIke Amber's choice to seek solitude to heal, and center herself: )
I have put this mantra out to you many times because your True self will keep you safe. You have to first respect yourself to love yourself and your choices. I interpret this statement to mean healthy boundaries, and honoring our intuition, and gut feelings.
If you still think you don't know how to love yourself and love others well, here is a great way to explore another tool of self-acceptance and respect.
THE IDEAL MATE LIST:
Without thinking too deeply, write down 10 bullet points of what you want in a perfect mate. Do not base it on anyone you know. Do it as if you have not met this person, yet. It doesn't matter if the points are deep or shallow, just do them quickly. Spend no longer than 5 minutes on this. Don't read past this list until it is complete.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Read your list back to yourself, out loud.
Who does this remind you of for the most part?
The answer is always meant to be the same.
It is YOU! This is proof, you love you!
Be with someone like you and you will be able to know once and for all time that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!
Today say: "I am no longer diverted from my Truth. I am mindful and conscious of who I spend time with, who I listen to and who I confide in and how they may influence me. True affluence comes when I listen to myself and make choices based on self-respect and self-reliance. Though I know I'm not perfect, I am more than good enough when I keep reaching to be the best I can be."
I really like this course.
Lighter
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My inner librarian genes (come by biologically) are shrieking because this thread, about Tupp's moving plans, has become something completely else, which my inner librarian (who has done nothing to deserve obedience to her anxious desire for organization, because who said the board operates on the Dewey Decimal system?) is a bit discomfited by.
That said, I get it. Yay to everybody.
Probably there IS a connection between accepting a sub-par living space (unless forced to) and accepting boundary violations or neglect or abuse as normal.
And btw, Lighter, my mother wasn't cruel (no fingernail digging) but in every other respect I completely related to your story of her insecure, terrified focus on what the child LOOKS like, as a reflection on the mother. It was painful. BTDT.
The detailed neuro program stuff would be great (for my librarian) if it were consolidated in one thread, where folks could go for step-by-step training in such?
Then again, disobeying librarians is probably a sign of robust mental health.
Hugs all,
Hops
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Hops:
I thought that shared lesson on codependence/being more than enough... kind of belonged on this thread. For Tupp. Right here and now, woof. At least, it made sense to me, but I have NO inner librarian to depend on in my head. I wish I did. Truly, I do.
Same with the brain stuff... it's woven through the codependence, mindfulness, brain integration, and meditation stuff. I will try to start another thread, but I notice I'm hitting the same notes lately, and there's a jumble spilling out, and together. No clear place to sort everything so I can keep up.
Disobeying your inner librarian is my default setting.... there are rabbit holes I feel compelled to travel, and I just go without ability to sort.
I think I'll get better at pulling them apart, and explaining, as I internalize the concepts, and own them..... which is a goal not yet realized.
I'll think about that... starting another thread, and likely get a lot out of it! Thanks, inner librarian: ) I wish you were mine.
Lighter
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Disobeying your inner librarian is my default setting.... there are rabbit holes I feel compelled to travel, and I just go without ability to sort.
Love this. Truth.
My inner librarian has a cruel streak, and is secretly Very Pleased with herself every time she has the chance to GLARE at someone, and hiss SHHHHHHHHHHHH! with scathing disapproval. She loves it when little kids freeze in their seats, after suddenly ducking. She especially loves tut-tutting and scowling at Adults Who Still Have Intact Inner Children.
How dare they? (She is verrrrry good at making folks feel shame.) So I'd say your disobeying instinct makes a great deal of sense.
BRW, she also wears a very tight bun, with her hair scraped back as though hair is sinful and a skull is really the only thing one is allowed to display to the world. Hmmm. Dunno what her mother was like, but I bet we can guess....
All to say, Big Hug.
Hops Who Just Expelled the Old Prude from the People's Library
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(((Tupp))),
I love this:
I do want to belong and find my tribe but I want to still belong to me while I do it.
And these too, except that when the question marks disappear and you assert them as truths, you'll find them to be real, rather than just hopeful hypotheses:
But what I think must be out there are enough people who have strong enough boundaries themselves not to mind when someone else sets one? Maybe that's the key? When we get stronger and belong more to ourselves we also need to be around other people who don't lose their own sense of self when someone tells them no?
I know they're real.
Just as real as you are.
hugs
Hops
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I'm still very behind on threads, you guys post quicker than I can read :) Lol. CB, I can't remember which thread you mentioned not being able to keep up on but I am exactly the same, I quite often read something, think about it a bit, come back on to reply and there's another four posts there and I lose track :) Lol. But my noticing's at the moment are:
I decided to put rest and relaxation at the top of my list. There's no point me thinking about moving, working, looking after son or anything else if I'm too ill and worn out to do any of it. So I decided to make the first eight hours of each day about rest and relaxation and to have two days a week that are nothing but that. Today is the first day I've felt like I have a bit of energy - all the other days I've just vegged on the sofa. I notice very much that as my body starts to relax, the emotions start to come out - hate, pain, frustration, boredom, loneliness etc. That makes me want to get busy, to try to block it out. So I've been trying very hard just to let it come, not to worry about it too much, not to see it as a bad thing or the wrong thing. Today it is starting to feel alright. I've reached out to a number of people I haven't seen or spoken to since we moved. The funny thing is, they all seem pleased to hear from me and all say they are keen to see us when we visit next year. Yet when we lived near them we hardly saw them and they've not made an effort to get in touch since we left. Is it laziness? Do people just not think? Are they insecure and think they won't be welcomed? I don't know what it is but i find it odd, but am glad I've caught up with them. I think I just need to let go of right, wrong, this and that and just reach out when I feel like it and say no when necessary. Maybe that's the way forward with it.
So yes, feeling more human today and less exhausted. Need to keep that in mind - no point doing anything if I feel too ill to enjoy it. Taking son out in a bit. And bought a microwave! To cut down on cooking time - going to try pizza in it later :) xx
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Lot going on here.
First of all, Tupp: about finding people with strong boundaries - those people don't come with labels you can examine before choosing to be with them. BUT, I find that if one strengthens one's own boundaries, that example often will be picked up as a cue by others... and they'll feel comfortable trying the same thing. Even if just for that moment in time. Or if they have good boundaries already, they'll appreciate and respect yours - opening up a new level of "common ground".
Hops - your inner librarian is a LOT like my inner critic and looks like my nasty 3rd grade teacher. LOL.
Lighter, I found some things in what you posted about women to be - "off" - but that's definitely through the lens of seeing it applied to me. We can discuss it on the co-dependence thread so as not to derail over here. But for now, the only question I've got is whether there's a discrepency in our ages. I know I was one of the last generational cohorts to have bridged the "traditional" conditioning of female roles and the rise of feminist philosophies. I don't know how old you are. I just turned 63. Thinking age, cultural differences around the country, etc might also have some influence in those FOO environments responsible for our "upbring" - or conditioning, pick a word.
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Yes, boundaries, I think the problem I have with mine is that they need to be fluid and I find it hard to be supportive one week but then to need to say no the next. That's something I struggle with. Having rested for a week, I feel less tired than usual and I know this is the time when I usually start arranging to see people, listening to tales of woe on the phone, agreeing to take on unpaid work and so on. So that is what I'm going to try and avoid doing this time, and to put my time and energy into what works for us, and to avoid getting myself to tired to function properly again.
I've been looking at live in housekeeper jobs as a possible way of getting out of the current situation. There are some large country estates that employ live in staff, often with their own property on the estate. There is a chance that a job like that might be an option - son would be on-site so even if I couldn't get a carer for him, I'd be around and he could even come along with me if he didn't want to sit in on his own. Best case scenario would be that I get a carer in for him to work on his programme and/or take him out but that depends on funding so is never guaranteed. So it might work - definitely another option to look in to. I am liking the feeling of having options rather than feeling so trapped.
I have found a place that looks amazing - a centre that runs courses in photography, film making, radio programming, online magazines and various other things. All things that son would be into and would really enjoy doing (they're all run for people with learning disabilities so would suit him really well). Definitely worth looking into. Is situated in a town that's very expensive to live in. Need to be open to possibilities of making that happen. Definitely feeling better than I did and more hopeful that I did. The tiredness has so much to do with that and I'm very determined now to put my health first and focus on rest and relaxation before anything else.
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I'm glad you're seeing more possibility, and feeling less trapped, Tupp.
Lighter
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I'm glad you're seeing more possibility, and feeling less trapped, Tupp.
Lighter
Thanks Lighter. I cope better when there is some sort of practical action I can take, even if it's just checking something else out.
I've been thinking more about boundaries and friends who I feel abandon me - and wondering if it's to do with boundaries and my friends from my past being more attracted to people without boundaries (as I used to be) and if that's why the bonds aren't as strong now and it doesn't work so well. I don't know. Just a wondering in my head.
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That makes sense, Tupp.
I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries. I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond. Like a different language, really.
Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen.
Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.
I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?
Lighter
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That makes sense, Tupp.
I used to be very intimidated by people with healthy boundaries. I didn't know what I was seeing, but it felt like I didn't know how to respond. Like a different language, really.
Your sense of people being attracted to others without boundaries might be very keen.
Perhaps suddenly having boundaries set, where there used to be none, feels odd, and alien.... like a different language out of the blue, for some of your friends.
I can't say for sure, but for every action, there's a reaction, right?
Lighter
That's what I'm wondering, Lighter, I did used to be the sort of person that would drop everything when someone wanted something, would do endless favours and expect nothing in return, would be constantly available and listen endlessly. So perhaps changing that does sound like a "I don't want you in my life anymore" to other people, whereas to me it's "I do want you in my life which is why I have to say no sometimes". It's something to think about, isn't it? I'm trying to think if I've ever been friends with anyone with good boundaries and only one person is springing to mind. Maybe two. So perhaps there is something in it. I will think some more lol xx
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I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.
There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way.
My best friend was the former. Her DIL the latter.
I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset. It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.
We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet.
I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.
::nod::.
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I think there are people who set boundaries very casually.... sans drama.
There are people who stomp all over us when setting boundaries, or it feeeels that way.
My best friend was the former. Her DIL the latter.
I'd like to be someone who sets boundaries without feeling emotionally upset. It's just that, for most of us who've never had boundaries, we sometimes have to get all wound up, and pushed to our limit before we begin setting boundaries at all.
We also think about what response we might get, and worry about things that haven't happened yet.
I have to remember SOOOPHing.. stay out of other people's heads.
::nod::.
Yes, Lighter, I do find I wrangle back and forth over whether or not my boundaries are okay to set. I turn it over in my mind a lot - whether it's okay for me to say no or not now. And whether what I'm saying will upset or offend the other person. And then I think to myself well, they're adults as well - they can tell me if they're upset or bothered and deal with it directly, instead of me second guessing and trying to pre-empt it for them. It is a difficult one to deal with and I would like to be able to do it without such a lot of thinking each time.
But - I have been setting a boundary for myself of giving myself the first eight hours of each day for rest, relaxation, health and well being. And then not forcing myself to work after that eight hours if I don't want to. And giving myself two full days a week where I focus only on health and wellbeing and don't worry about anything else. I am starting to feel the difference. I don't feel exhausted when I wake up now. I'm managing to do yoga most days, which does help my back. I went for a walk yesterday, and I can't remember the last time I did that. Several months, at least. It feels a bit counter intuitive to do nothing in order to organise moving house but I have accepted now that my health has been damaged with all the years of constant stress and I want to preserve it. That's the most important thing now. And moving house isn't going to happen if I'm too exhausted to do anything. I want to at least feel well, even if nothing else seems to be working out for me.
It's funny but when we moved here I had a thing in my head of spending a year healing, but I had in my mind lots of long walks on the beach, plants everywhere, meditation classes. Kind of pretty healing. Healing has been taking place but it's been raw and ugly and very painful. I think good will come of it but it's been like giving birth to an alien. Weird how things happen in a different way to the way we imagine.
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Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it. I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better. I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring.
I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house. I'm tired of having to make do. And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now. The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly. The one who has no interest in anything her children do. The one whose only interest is everything her son does.
Not quite sure what to do with it. But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is? Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?" I think that will be this weekend's home work.
In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better. Not so tired and grumpy all the time. So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much. Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now.
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Something else that's occurred to me over the last couple of days is how I feel that something (or someone) needs to be 'bad' for me to not want it. I don't naturally feel that it's alright to want more, or have higher standards, or just like something (or someone) better. I feel like there have to be faults with things or people for me to reject them (to the extent it does me harm) rather than just feeling it's okay not to want to spend time with someone just because I find them a bit boring. I want to explore what you said above.... there are things in my life that need sorting. Great observation.
I know I've noticed it before with people - I don't feel I can cut people out unless they do something wrong - but it's come up more just lately with me realising I do want a nice house, not a 'that will do' house. I'm tired of having to make do. And there are friends whose company I don't find enjoyable any more and I don't particularly want to spend time with them now. The one who moans about her boyfriend endlessly. The one who has no interest in anything her children do. The one whose only interest is everything her son does. It makes me a little sad to think in terms of cutting people OUT. I'd like to think in terms of refiling people where they belong in my life, and people can be refiled... should be refiled as life goes on, IME. You're such a compassionate person, I can see how the idea of "cutting someone out" would feel disturbing. It feels that way for me too.
Not quite sure what to do with it. But I am going to try to just think, "Do I like/enjoy/want this person, home, piece of furniture, item of clothing, plate of food, or whatever it is? Or do I feel I ought to, or I need to find a reason to say no?" I think that will be this weekend's home work. Yes yes yes, Tupp. Wonderful homework.... being observant and curious about your preferences, and feelings.
::nodding::.
In other news - son has stopped his sessions with the speech and occupational therapists (funding has come to an end) - and seems to be doing better. Not so tired and grumpy all the time. So I am wondering now if they were overdoing things with him and making him do too much. Might just be a coincidence but I will write it down and keep an eye on things for now. That's great, and hopefully will make for a more relaxing weekend: )
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter :) Today has been a day of thinking. I'm thinking about communal living set ups again. I'm looking at all our different options. There are pros and cons for each scenario, and possible disaster outcomes as well - I don't think we can have a situation where I might not find that I think I've made a dreadful mistake a year down the line. I am conscious of the fact that I'm very, very depleted and I'm not sure how many more disasters I have got the energy to get through. That makes me feel nervous. But equally carrying on like we are makes me feel nervous.
One commune I looked at isn't too far from where we are now, and one of the things I read about them is that they have a weekly get together to discuss their feelings, about practical matters, personal matters, financial matters. They describe it as an intrinsic part of their set up and acknowledge it can be very difficult to talk about feelings but that they feel peaceful conflict resolution, in a safe space, on a regular basis, is a key part of growth and self development. As someone who really doesn't like conflict and often swallows what they want to say I initially recoiled when I read that. And then started to think it might be just what I need. Mmmm. Will think about it some more. They run open days so we could go along to visit just to get a bit more of an idea of how it all works xx
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Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!
I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.
I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!
Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.
It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.
Hugs
Hops
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Tupp, you make so much SENSE.
And it's possible that a well-motivated communal living arrangement would create phamily for you and son, and ease the loneliness. You're also wise to recognize that some personalities do show toxicity in some communal situations. No harm in visiting and it'll be interesting!
I think in some apartment settings, a spontaneous support network forms. I noticed that a lot at the independent living old-folks apartment place I worked in. They were always up and down halls and popping in on each other to check on well being, and there were many friendships, ongoing card games, music and book gatherings. I think most people are attached to the idea of "single family" living as an ideal in this country....but when you're carrying a heavy load, as you are, OR you are beginning to note the effects of aging, others in rooms or units nearby can make a difference in your sense of security. If it's one of those community-minded places. Some are and some aren't, and the only way to find out is meet some people who live there and ask a lot of questions.
I know that for the first time I'm opening up to the idea of a downtown condo. Largely because I have friends in a lovely one with a huge terrace, mountain views, and they often mention friends they've met there. How nice in bad weather to be able to invite someone in for a drink or meal without going out!
Next week M and I are going to look at one of those, and also a renovated old house downtown. He's just expressed concern about stairs, and that place has a first floor master and an outbuilding that could be renovated into study/studio. I'd be happy with upstairs BR and office; my knees are better than his and my mother climbed stairs until she was 95.
It's both daunting and exciting to think there might be A Place for Us. And I know there's one for you and son too. Keep looking and don't be afraid.
Hugs
Hops
Hops you can install a helter skelter to get back downstairs again, it would be so much fun! Lol. Yes I think that looking ahead and knowing that there may not be a time when you can do it all on your own makes so much sense and it's lovely to go house hunting when you have options and can take your time, rather than waiting until it becomes urgent. More and more people here now are getting together and buying or renting large properties - creating their own communities as the towns and cities lose theirs and the smaller villages are expensive to buy in and don't tend to have good public transport so it's not easy.
I am aware that I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going. Just the lack of contact and isolation. Most days we spend about 22 hours out of 24 at home, and when we're out it's often just the two of us. College has shown me that state care is just too much for him and isn't going to work well so I'm definitely wanting to keep that as a last resort. Having people around all the time does worry me a bit but if we can find a place that's big enough for people to wander about and not be in each other's faces all the time, and who have good systems in place for sorting out problems then I think it could be a good thing. I would really like son to have some men around regularly, just to get that different perspective. Most paid carers are women so he doesn't spend an awful lot of time with blokes and it would be great if that could change. So yes, we're popping over to one tomorrow. They do a fun day each week; anyone can go, they run it all from the house and it's all focused on celebration of life and a community lunch (£3 in the pot and they do a big veggie feast for however many turn up). I emailed them to see if it was okay to bring son and they were so welcoming and have had a lad with similar difficulties before so that encouraged me. So we'll pop over tomorrow and join in for a couple of hours and see how we go. They are based in a lovely historic town, which, legend has it, housed Camelot from the King Arthur legends. Lots of history and a real hippy vibe to it as well, son and I both like that. So we'll see what happens :) xx
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Yay hippies, Tupp!
And it's hoped this place sorted out the majority of logistics for atypical kids. Maybe it's not " the situation" you're looking for. Maybe it's information helping/ leading/pointing toward the one; )
Wouldn't it be nice to chat with a mom who's already researched this her way? As a jumping off point?
I love it when people share lessons....particularly when I'm in a space to receive and utilize that wisdom.
Lighter
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What was your take on the open house, Tupp?
If nothing more I hope it was an interesting outing and you got some questions answered.
I know you'll be thinking all possibilities through.
Hugs
Hops
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Thank you both :)
We didn't make it to the house in the end. I underestimated the amount of time it would take to get there so we arrived late. Then we couldn't find the house, then when we did find it there was no parking left. By the time we'd found somewhere to leave the car we were very late and as it's a timetabled day I thought us turning up halfway through the session might be disruptive to the rest of the group. I took it all as an omen that our first visit might not go well so we went into town instead and had a wander around.
The town itself is lovely - very old, very quaint and very hippy. Lots of really bright, colourful shops, an ethical supermarket, people sitting outside cafes, buskers, lots of posters about all sorts of weird and wonderful events. Definitely a place I'd like to explore more. We found a nice little cafe and had a hot chocolate and then headed home again. They run the event weekly so we'll leave earlier next week and try again.
What's been interesting to me is the change in my thinking. I think I've finally realised where I go wrong and stopped doing it. Usually I would think about what we need to do to fit in. Now I'm thinking of all the questions I want to ask and what I want to know so that I know whether they would suit us. I don't feel intimidated about asking practical questions about costs or the day to day running of the place. I feel like I can give them a list of things that son does that other people sometimes find difficult - the rocking, the vocal tics, the fact that he does like spending a lot of time in his room and doesn't make eye contact until he feels safe. I don't feel like I'm begging them to accept us - it feels more like it's just sensible to be open about these things so they can decide if they're alright with it - because if they're not it's better to know now. They've got vacancies at the minute and my old approach would have been to throw everything at the situation to make it work, so that we didn't lose the rooms. But now I feel like I'll take my time and if that means the rooms have gone by the time I've worked everything out then so be it. We'll look around for somewhere else and carry on with our other possible plans as well. I just don't feel as desperate to leap into something in the hope it will magically make life better. I'm thinking more about our next two year option - we'll do something for two years, see how it goes and then do something else (if we need to). It feels like a good process and I feel alright about it all. But whatever happens we will definitely be more regular visitors to that town; the shops alone are worth the drive over :) xx
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I've changed my to do list around. I was working on 'Things I Need To Do Before We Move'. I've changed it to 'Things I Don't Want To Take With Us'. For some reason that feels better.
I've started pricing up bits for a car boot sale. I do clear out fairly regularly and I've been stacking stuff in odd places so I've started sorting through and pricing things up to sell. I've got my old Christening silver - I don't know if you have the same traditions there but here it's usual to buy silver Christening gifts for the baby. I've still got mine, as well as some bits of jewellery I don't wear any more, so I've dug them out to sell them. The Christening gifts are engraved with my name and date of birth and I was looking at them and thinking, "I feel like the soul of that little girl died of neglect'. And I still feel like it now. Another weekend passed without the phone ringing or a text message from anyone and that is the feeling that I want to get away from. So I am going to look much more closely into this communal living stuff because I do think having a regular connection with other people will do both son and myself some good. It would be easier to go out to get some peace and quiet than it is to go out and get company because we have nothing but peace and quiet at home, I think? Not that I'm envisaging joining some party house; I think it will be a quieter affair than that, but it would be nice to sit down in the evening and have voices around instead of it always being just son and I. I don't know how he's going to take it or if it will work out for him but we won't know if we don't try.
I have got quite a few bits to sell, which should bring us in some extra money, and I've dragged my sewing machine out to start making things out of my rag bag that I keep meaning to use up and never do. I don't want to lug that with me to the next place as well. Lots of jobs to get on with. I have an old audio cassette of my dad playing about with me and my sister when we were little. He's getting us to sing and we keep getting it wrong and giggling. Then you hear him telling us how to apologise to the audience and to try again and we just giggle some more because we can't say 'profusely' and that's what he's trying to get us to say. I've nothing to play it on so I found a place that can transfer it onto CD and packaged it up to send off. I've been meaning to do that for a long time.
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A little psychological trick I'm trying. There are thirty jobs on my list - some big, some small. If I aim for one a day, I can be finished by mid December. If I'm finished by mid December - we could be out of here by end of January. Now - there are about a million reasons I can think of to put a spanner in that little plan - but I'm not going to think of them. I'm just going to aim for one job a day and, then aim to be leaving here by the end of Jan. I don't know why but in my mind that feels better. So I am sticking with that for now.
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Tupp, you are a planner EXTRAORDINAIRE!
I am awed by your logical, detailed approach to things.
Throw a little of that over the pond, would ya?
I'm glad you can go back in a week...it would be great
if the available rooms here turned out well for you two;
and even if they don't, it sounds like a new category of possibility
for you. If no toxic personality or cult rules the roost. I bet
if an organization has had long practice, most of the bugs
have been worked out.
Near where I live is one of the oldest ongoing communes in
the U.S. Famous for all the usual decadent stuff in the 60s, and
now two industries: hammock making and tofu making. Both are
excellent! I visited a couple times when I was young. They
had a massive pile of clothing in one building and that's where
you went to get something different to wear. The one thing that
drove me nuts, which has probably been solved decades later,
is that despite the idealism of all the shared work, nobody was
inspired to wash floors or surfaces much, so it was truly DIRTY.
But that was decades ago. I'd bet it's a very refined commune
system by now.
I look forward to hearing more about how this one strikes you.
Hold off on major fantasies about THAT commune and THAT town
though. I know it's hard to do...but we were talking about how the
fantasizing starts too soon and such.
I don't want you to be disappointed too keenly. But somehow I
think you've also refined your planning/expectations reflexes so
you're being realistic and steady on....
Big hugs
Hops
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Tupp, you are a planner EXTRAORDINAIRE!
I am awed by your logical, detailed approach to things.
Throw a little of that over the pond, would ya?
I'm glad you can go back in a week...it would be great
if the available rooms here turned out well for you two;
and even if they don't, it sounds like a new category of possibility
for you. If no toxic personality or cult rules the roost. I bet
if an organization has had long practice, most of the bugs
have been worked out.
Near where I live is one of the oldest ongoing communes in
the U.S. Famous for all the usual decadent stuff in the 60s, and
now two industries: hammock making and tofu making. Both are
excellent! I visited a couple times when I was young. They
had a massive pile of clothing in one building and that's where
you went to get something different to wear. The one thing that
drove me nuts, which has probably been solved decades later,
is that despite the idealism of all the shared work, nobody was
inspired to wash floors or surfaces much, so it was truly DIRTY.
But that was decades ago. I'd bet it's a very refined commune
system by now.
I look forward to hearing more about how this one strikes you.
Hold off on major fantasies about THAT commune and THAT town
though. I know it's hard to do...but we were talking about how the
fantasizing starts too soon and such.
I don't want you to be disappointed too keenly. But somehow I
think you've also refined your planning/expectations reflexes so
you're being realistic and steady on....
Big hugs
Hops
Hops, you pair your socks up - that is way beyond my organisational skills :) Lol. Planning calms me, I can't cope with all the different threads in my mind. Much of it comes to nothing, but I feel better if I have a plan to work to, even if it's just for one afternoon.
In my new thinking - which seems to be coming quite easily at the moment - I won't be focusing on this particular place or this particular town. It's close enough that we can visit easily and we can probably spend some time at the commune kind of getting a feel for the place without expressing an interest. They run the community day every weekend so we can spend a bit of time there without doing anything 'formal'. And it might be enough to put me off after one visit! I think my cult leader/narc traits/man in charge sniffers are quite well honed and I reckon I'd spot something dodgy quite quickly. The town is lovely but I know from moving here that the novelty of new wears off quite quickly so if we just visit rather than moving there so be it. I am thinking more along the lines of just checking it all out and if it seems possible, checking a bit more. Now it feels like there is another option - apart from always being alone or having to put son in care - I feel much more relaxed and if it takes another year or two to find the right place, that's okay. I can manage that. We can enjoy visiting other places in the meantime.
Yep the dirt aspect is always an issue with sharing. They cook a community lunch each week so I'd guess they'd need to keep the kitchen clean to do that? But I'll find out more when we get over there next. There's also the 'who's turn is it' kind of hassle, and what sort of systems they've got set up for supplies that everyone uses - loo roll and tea bags can cause wars! Lol. But I'll check it all out as I go along. Hammock making and tofu making sounds great! I have made a draught excluder this afternoon so perhaps that will be my niche :) Lol xx
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Fantastic plan, Tupp!
You are taking a very mature view and sensible approach.
I cease and desist my hen clucking.... Squawwwk!
Hugs
Hops
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Fantastic plan, Tupp!
You are taking a very mature view and sensible approach.
I cease and desist my hen clucking.... Squawwwk!
Hugs
Hops
Lol, I like your hen clucking, Hops, it shows you care and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that :) I was thinking about you guys when I was out earlier - I was kind of running through in my head how I'm getting through my to do list and what's going well and what else I've been thinking about with regard to communal living and how nice that little town was but there are other nice towns if this one doesn't work out, and and and, and I realised if I wasn't going to come on here to write it all down I'd literally not have anyone to share that with. There are bits and pieces I'd tell other people when I speak to them but you guys are my daily contact and the only ones I can pour it all out to, good, bad, indifferent, silly, serious, it doesn't matter, you're all just there and I genuinely don't have that anywhere else. So you cluck all you like, lol, I'm quite surprised at how sensible I'm being about it to be honest, but I think what I've learnt from this last move is that I've got to let go of the picture in my head of how it shall be and then my crushing disappointment when it's not like that, and I've got to move away from "there's only one option" because if this option doesn't work out, I will find another one. So I think something in my brain has finally clicked and calmed down and it is largely down to being able to chew all of this over with all of you :) So thank you :) xx
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Hi, Tupp:
Calmer is better.
I liked how you handled being late to the open house at the commune..... it just wasn't meant to happen that day. You switched up, and explored the town without anxiety.
Feeling we're exactly where we're supposed to be, in this moment, is a nice way to feel, and live, IME.
We have arrived.
We are home: )
Home is inside us, not in a town: )
Lighter
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Hi, Tupp:
Calmer is better.
I liked how you handled being late to the open house at the commune..... it just wasn't meant to happen that day. You switched up, and explored the town without anxiety.
Feeling we're exactly where we're supposed to be, in this moment, is a nice way to feel, and live, IME.
We have arrived.
We are home: )
Home is inside us, not in a town: )
Lighter
Lighter, I'm not sure exactly what's happened but something has definitely shifted and I'm finding it easier to put us first. Maybe I'm just too exhausted to think about other people anymore, but I am finding it easier to think - shall we do that? No, not today. A lot of my fear of disappointing or upsetting people is a throwback to my mum, who would be offended or critical about just about everything. So I do need to keep reminding myself that other people don't have an epic meltdown because you washed your cup. Or didn't. Or because you knew where to park. Or didn't. Or because you got somewhere late and decided to postpone. Or didn't. Other people can take all sorts of things in their stride and IT ISN'T MY JOB TO SORT THINGS OUT FOR THEM. I think I need to tattoo that in CAPS somewhere on my body :) Lol.
And yes, you're right, home is inside us, and what's inside me now is a very definite need for calm and quiet and things being a good use of my time. Do I want to listen to this friend complaining about x, y and z or do I want to read my book? Do I want to feel anxious and rushed at a house meeting or do I want to wander around the town without any troubles or restrictions? It's kind of hard for me to feel completely comfortable with not being hypervigilent but I am really trying because I'm blooming well sick of having all my tentacles on high alert all the time.
On a more practical note, I am moving through my jobs list and getting little things done that have been sitting waiting for me to do them for years, in some cases. I made a big draught excluder out of a pair of old jeans and I've started cutting up son's old clothes make him a cushion cover for his bed (these bits of fabric have been in my scrap bag for well over a year waiting for me to do something with them). My salt lamp, unlit for many years, now has a new bulb and is beaming away in my front room. The lovely piece of glass that someone gave me 4? 5? years ago is now clipped and ready to be hung on a wall, instead of being kept in a box for when I 'get round to it'. I took some bits of jewellery I don't wear any more into town and sold them and I'm pricing up bits to sell at a car boot sale the next time we have a dry weekend. I'm making meals out of those odds and ends of things you get in the back of the freezer and the cupboard. Emails are up to date, a financial hoo ha to do with son's payments is sorted and paperwork is filed away with a pile ready to go through the shredder. I've made myself a routine up for morning and evening's; mostly to do with being organised and planning but I'm hoping it will help me to sleep better as I do feel so tired so much of the time. I don't think it's necessarily more hours I need, just better quality. So hopefully a better start and end to the day will help. It feels like it's going okay and I feel alright about it all at the minute xx
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I'm blooming well sick of having all my tentacles on high alert all the time.
And that was a beautiful, heartwarming, inspirational and delightful thing to read!
Kudos, Tupp. I think you're actually beginning to regard yourself kindly. To experience some simple self love.
I love this.
Huge hugs,
Hops
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My body actually relaxed a bit as I read your update, Tupp.
Such a nice way to spend the hours.... touching and doing things we left undone. Putting intention in action, it's..... a place in the brain.
It IS a shift, Tupp: )
Lighter
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Thank you, both :) Something has shifted, not perfectly, I'm not feeling new and improved, but there is definitely less of a need to people please and do what suits others. I'm thinking now we probably won't get over to the house until December as it will be difficult to shoehorn in to the next two weekends and that's okay. Whatever happens, I want that first visit to be relaxed and informal, and not to feel like a test of will and endurance. I'm very tired today and my back's sore and the difference that makes to my negative thinking is huge. So I do need to keep focusing on health, before anything else, and not focus on 'doing' at the sake of everything else.
It is good to get those little jobs done and out of the way. I've got more things to price up for the car boot sale and several things to give away on Freecycle (3 old duvets for one - I didn't even know I had three old duvets. They take up so much space and I didn't even realise I had them, so they are going off asap). The house is cluttered but in an organised way, as its clutter that's on its way out of the house so it's okay. I've been feeling upset again about the lack of contact from friends and it's pushing me towards the communal living idea again, so that I don't have to rely on other people being free to avoid feeling lonely. It's funny how tiredness makes that feel worse as well.
Son is pretty good at the moment; he's tired but we're done for the day now so he can relax in his room while I get on with clearing things out.
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I am mentally there bringing you a steaming
cuppa chamomile and running a magnesium salts bath
for your back!
Sleep well, Tupp. Beware letting the holidays
calendar into your psyche. It's just another DAY.
I remember lonely holidays but it got much, much
easier the more I decided it was a day in which to
enjoy the quiet, and people on the street being nicer.
Left it at that and it worked....
Be cozy, be kind to yourself.
Big hugs
Hops
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I am mentally there bringing you a steaming
cuppa chamomile and running a magnesium salts bath
for your back!
Sleep well, Tupp. Beware letting the holidays
calendar into your psyche. It's just another DAY.
I remember lonely holidays but it got much, much
easier the more I decided it was a day in which to
enjoy the quiet, and people on the street being nicer.
Left it at that and it worked....
Be cozy, be kind to yourself.
Big hugs
Hops
Lol, thanks, Hops, I have a steaming cuppa next to me right now so your mental tea making worked! Lol. I did some good yoga exercises for the lower back and felt it pop so it's sore this morning but much more manageable and I'm going to do more yoga now to try to stop it seizing up again.
I did have quite a big wobble last night. I'm aware that whatever we do next is going to be a lot of work and it might not go well. So however much I'm trying to keep an open mind and not dwell, my inner panic monster decided to have a good go yesterday and just let me know she isn't ready to be completely quiet yet. I think sometimes decluttering can bring that on; you are getting rid of physical things you no longer need and it can have an impact. Funny situation to be in. But okay again now. Slept alright, we've got a fairly busy day today and I'm feeling alright about it and trying to concentrate on the here and now, rather than what might be in the future. I do find that hard because I don't like the here and now. I think part of my former disassociative coping method was just to be somewhere else in my head and I still do it now, to a lesser extent. Just dreaming of a nicer and better life than the one we currently have. But it's okay, practical steps to take today and things are going alright. Yes, you're right about the holidays, Hops, only a month and it will all be over again anyway :) I look forward to it xx
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Well, an interesting morning! My yoga session was about releasing tension, and the instructor was talking about noticing what causes tension and finding ways to let go of situations and people that create tension. So I've been writing down everything and every thought so far today, two columns, one for tension, one for no tension. What's been very interesting for me is that there are more things in the 'no tension' column - but I spend more time on the 'tension' stuff. Some of it I can't avoid - but there are other things I could just not do and I don't think the world would end? There are a couple of people I could just let go of. We've been friends a long time, there was a time they were very important to me - but I don't think they are now? They went in to the tension column and funnily enough the tension around them comes more from them not contacting much, not being too interested in meeting up. And the more I thought about it the more I realised - I don't particularly want to spend time with them. Which makes me feel guilty. Which causes tension. Mmm. So I'm going to try to do more 'nothing' around the tension creating stuff and more 'something' around the stuff that doesn't cause me tension.
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The thoughts are coming thick and fast this morning. I've noticed that I've already started thinking that this commune is 'the one' and this town is 'the place' and the other, very nice town, that I was looking at only a couple of weeks ago has been largely disregarded, as have my various other ideas from the last few months about what to do next. It is my panic; I'm miserable and lonely and I don't want to be so my brain is trying to get us out of the situation as quickly as possible. Which could make the situation worse.
So - I'm wondering if I should make myself commit to a year of thinking, researching, planning - before I make any decisions? Mmmm. That's an interesting idea to think about some more.
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Tupp:
I think you should focus on 90% research, and 10% execution.
Setting a one-year moratorium on decision making seems too arbitrary. You might have enough information to make a decision in 6 months, 9 months, 3 months..... 14mo. You can't know what will happen, but you can know you'll continue teasing out facts, and putting together plans based on that good information.
Trust yourself. Observe your loneliness with curiosity, and don't judge it good or bad. It just IS, and it's asking for attention right now. Tend to it, and be very kind to yourself.
Lighter
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Tupp:
I think you should focus on 90% research, and 10% execution.
Setting a one-year moratorium on decision making seems too arbitrary. You might have enough information to make a decision in 6 months, 9 months, 3 months..... 14mo. You can't know what will happen, but you can know you'll continue teasing out facts, and putting together plans based on that good information.
Trust yourself. Observe your loneliness with curiosity, and don't judge it good or bad. It just IS, and it's asking for attention right now. Tend to it, and be very kind to yourself.
Lighter
Lighter, that is a good point, and you're right, I should just look into it all and go ahead once I'm sure and I know what's what. I thought I was doing really well yesterday - I did a lot of yoga, I meditated, I rested a lot and felt really good by the time I went to bed. But I guess all that relaxing must let things out because this morning I just exploded. Small things, but I think they represent bigger things and when it happens that fast I think I disassociate a bit - not in a complete disconnected, I don't know I'm there way, but I feel like I'm watching someone else have a meltdown and it's really hard to kind of step in and calm myself down. A friend had texted yesterday and when I said son and I are both unwell at the moment she asked if we had a virus. It was one of those stop me in my tracks moments. She knows we both have multiple health problems, she knows how bad the situation is, she knows how much I've been struggling with our health problems lately. So it still seems odd to me that people think in terms of bugs or viruses when they know we have multiple health problems between us and they assume it's something we caught rather than something that's an ongoing problem? I dealt with it fine yesterday - didn't reply straight away, gave myself time to think, look at it from different perspectives, breathe. And it was fine. And then this morning it made me feel like I wanted to rip someone's throat out. Next door's dog was barking incessantly, again, from about 6.30am. Even with the doors and windows closed and the TV or radio on I can still hear it, endlessly barking. I needed a piece of paper to log in to one of the social service's systems for son and I could not find it anywhere. I must have gone through a dozen files and close to a thousand bits of paper and I could not find that piece of paper with those digits on it. I came so close to launching the entire book shelf across the room and throwing a match at the lot of it. It was just so explosive. Then I found the piece of paper in my wallet, where I'd put it so I could find it easily :)
I think what I'm trying to notice, as the mist clears and I start to calm down again, is that I need a move from this life - not necessarily in geographical terms but I need to be away from the things and people that cause me a lot of stress or trigger things for me. Certain people, all this paperwork - my God, I need this to be over with - and just a general lack of consideration on the part of other people. I think the thing that annoys me the most about the barking dog is that I don't have the money to just move. The simplest solution to that would be to just move to a house where we don't have close neighbours, so I can't hear them. I think it's that that bothers me more than the dog does. I feel sorry for the dog, it's obviously in some sort of distress to bark like that, but the owner should be responsible and deal with the problem. Everyone else suffers because they won't go to a vet or dog behaviourist and find out what's wrong.
Anyway - tired now. My temper tantrum from earlier has worn me out. Quiet day today. Cinema later, I think we might go out to lunch and then I can do us a dinner when we get home tonight and prepare it before we leave. Some more yoga. Maybe a walk. I guess as each bit of unresolved anger and resentment seeps out there's a bit less in there to deal with, right?
Thanks for listening :) xx
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I've been thinking so much today, and it is so much thinking that I feel like my head is exploding. But it kind of keeps pushing its way up so I'm going with it.
I'm thinking about radical changes in my life and thinking, how can I do this? What do I need to change? The last 18 years has all been focused on son, and on dealing with all my own stuff with my mum and the child protection/public sector stuff that goes along with that. There's been none of me in any of it. It's all been about dealing with crisis situations (often created by my mum), repressing myself (in order to try and stay off the radar) and generally getting my head down and getting on with it. So I've been thinking today, what would life be like if I didn't do that? What would it look like if I just did what I love and what I'm in to, with no regard for practicality or what the social worker might say or whether or not people think I'm being a good parent.
If I'm honest, if I cut what son needs down to the barest bones, then as long as he's fed three times a day and has a Wi Fi connection he's happy. In fact, that's when he's at his happiest, with no-one bothering him and just him and his computer games. It feels utterly, utterly alien to me to say, "Yep - just play on your XBox all day". But I think it's an idea that I should explore, to give myself some time and space to find me again, without having to cope with the drama of other people looking after him and all the problems that brings. So I think this is something to think about a bit more. Although probably not today because I've thought myself half to death now. Lol.
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((Tupp:))
After the 15 years you've had.....
you deserve to be at the top of your list.
You always have.
Lighter
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((((Tupp))))
I think holiday season is often a time for both meltdowns and insights. Sometimes nearly simultaneous.
Nothing you describe seems strange to me and your latest, with a sudden image of a lighter life, reducing son's program to what actually seems to make him most content...struck me as a spot of gentle weather. Maybe it's a good direction to think about.
You TRULY don't have to prove any more to yourself or anyone else what an incredible mother you have been to this young man. And you are actually looking at your limits.
You're a human being, not a tank. And you need R & R, even if it's just to stop the endless strategizing and battling. Or even pause them. I don't think you lost the war, despite the painful battles along the way. I think you won. You won him a decent childhood, moments of laughter, and the safety to play his games and find his own form of peace.
You deserve that too. More chamomile heading your way.
Hugs
Hops
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Thank you both, as always, you always say the things that hit the spot with me :) It does feel alien to me not to have to prove myself endlessly, especially where he's concerned, but we were at the cinema the other night and I watched him say "excuse me" to the people he needed to get past and then he sat down next to me and worked on his novel until the film started (he's got an app on his IPAD that he uses). As soon as the film starts he puts his IPAD away and then he was just transfixed. He gets completely engrossed in what he's doing (unlike me, my head's always in a dozen places). And every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car. And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy? That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life. I at the same age was already drinking heavily and sleeping around, trying desperately to find someone who liked me and I was utterly miserable. And he isn't. He's content with his games and his novel writing and trips to the cinema. So yes, I think maybe now I can take my foot off the pedal a bit and focus on myself a bit more and just see what happens :) xx
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I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward. Self care, healthy meals, downtime and regular cleaning/gardening are all steps forward, they just aren't as noticeable. I just love that feeling of something else being complete and being able to cross it off the list. Lol. I've got several bigger jobs on the go at the moment that will take longer to finish but I got a bit more done today. More pieces cut out for the cushion I'm doing for son's room and some unnecessary paperwork shredded, plus a bit of tidying up in the garden. I'm trying to keep the evenings calmer and ear mark the time for yoga, mediation and reading, along with getting organised for the next day so that the mornings can start in a calmer way, rather than me having to rush around finding the things we need for the day. So small steps but they'll add up to bigger things in time.
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I've felt like I haven't made much progress today but I have to keep reminding myself that not everything is an obvious step forward.
Hmmmmm. That looks like judgment to me, Tupp.
Do you feel that it is? And is it something asking for attention... to just notice and be very curious about? Attention might lead to what's behind it. To where it came from.
Or not; )
Just give yourself loads of compassion.
I think that's "THE MISSION" right now. Give in to it, then give in some more, bc for the first time, in a very long time, your head's above water.
You can breathe now, Tupp.
Keep breathing, and smiling at the sky,
and beach,
and ds enjoying his XBox,
yup yup yup.
Lighter
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Tupp, it might be different for you...
but when I finally had the time to just "be me"... it took a long time for "me" to come out of hiding behind the "I must DO THIS, THAT and the OTHER THINGS." Even being here totally alone except for mio-mio. The habit of submerging myself under my "function" and "role" and "who I was to other people" was soooooo engrained, even though I fought with it, like a too tight, too hot, itchy wool sweater...
it was truly months & months & months before I started to even get glimpses of my real "self" again... and start to know how to keep that self content, while balancing the "doing" side of life. I even overdid the self awareness thing - and stopped "doing" to an extreme for awhile. Trying to find that range of what is my new "comfort zone". And it's still a work in progress.
Buck asked me if I liked something last night - and I have absolutely no experience with it; none whatsoever. So even tho it sounded kinda snippy - I said, what does it matter what I like? As I learn about it more; gain some experience; then perhaps I will form a preference - but I don't have one right now. There are LOTS of things like that for me. Some of them, other people take for granted... and I feel like I must've been raised by wolves to not know the same things. LOL.
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Tupp, this was so heartwarming to read and made my chest feel happy:
every time something funny happened his face lit up, he was laughing along with everyone else and after the film he waits quietly until everyone else has started to move and then we chatted about it as we went back to the car. And I thought to myself, do you know what, he's happy? That's literally the bottom line, he's happy and he enjoys his life.
Amber, it is blazingly clear that you learned so much sensitivity, awareness of nuance, bravery, survival, deep bonding, and care for others from the wolves.
Hugs
Hops
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Lighter, you're right, there is judgement in there, and soooo much fear. I saw the acupuncturist today, talked through the mad rages I've been having again lately and he said he thinks it's overlying fear and that we need to work on that. I've been trying to do more yoga more regularly and there's one particular sequence involving the hips that seems to unleash so much in me. Better out than in, I'm assuming, but it seems to be letting out stuff that's been there for such a long time now, sometimes I think it's what holds me up? He put one needle in my chest and the horrible butterfly sensation stopped in a matter of seconds. I reacted quite strongly this evening to a couple of emails and it's not what's in the emails themselves, it's what they might lead to if (insert any version of any scenario of the horrible things we've been through over the years) x, y or z happens. It's quite subtle in my head and I think that's why I often miss it, particularly as I'm often doing three things at the same time. So I think what I really need to try to do is sloooow right down and in every situation, ask myself whether I'm reacting from fear, and if I am, can I do it a different way?
Skep, that is exactly how I feel at the minute. If you take away my caring role for son - there's literally nothing there. No hobbies, no friends, no family, no partner, no energy, no desire to even get out of bed to be honest. It is a big, yawning chasm and that feels a bit scary but I am really trying to turn it into something exciting - working out what I like and what I want and trying to just enjoy finding out more about myself. And in the spirit of that - I did not write a to do list today. I usually have it permanently attached to my arm but this morning I thought no - I'm pretty sure I'll remember we need to eat and there's nothing else that's really urgent so I'll just do what I feel like. And I spent a good chunk of the day watching TV! Lol. Sewing is definitely something I'd like to do more of. And I've got this book at the moment called 'Drugs in Pots'; it's various herbs and plants that you can use for common ailments and ideas for growing them in tubs around the patio - that's something I'd like to get in to a bit more as well.
Hops, it made my chest happy to see him like that and I think just feeling happy is something we should do more of? As often as we can, really. It seems very simple when it's put like that :) xx
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More thinking, more thinking - it's pouring out of me at the moment. I did write one list - but only of self care and nourishing things that I want to try to keep doing during the day, so it's just a list to remind me to think about myself as well :) Lol.
What I woke up thinking about this morning is the huge amount of effort and energy I'm having to put in to coping with the current situation and the huge amount of effort and energy I want to put in to us finding a better life - paid employment, more people around us (of the kind we like, not just people in general), more time spent doing things we enjoy and get pleasure out of. And I realised I can't do both so I do think I need to choose. I will give it a lot more thought and do the research (90%, Lighter! lol). But I think it might be that son doesn't go back to college after Christmas. We've another two and a bit weeks to go of this term and I'm so exhausted I can hardly stand. I'm awake between four and five every morning and I wake up worrying about the day. A lot of my time and energy is going in to trying to cope with the stress and anxiety and I'd really like that time and energy to be going into building up a small business that son and I can both work at and improve our living situation. No decisions yet. A miracle may occur over Christmas and it might all be sorted. But at the moment I feel like we might need to spread our wings fairly soon. We will see what happens.
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OK. I wasn't sure what you meant... I was worried you were talking about choosing between coping, and looking for better situation... and you could choose ONLY ONE, and that had to be coping. I see what you were talking about now.
Prioritizing a move....allowing son to take that quarter or semester off so you have energy sounds very reasonable to me. I trust you, and your intuitions.
I'm personally looking forward to meeting the Tupp behind the struggle.... who's there inside the battling, maternal Amazonian warrior overcomer?
You're making time to stop, put down all the stuff people thrust upon you, and really SEE what you want... who you are. Who you were born to be.
You aren't the stories in your life.
Those things happened TO you, but they aren't YOU. You can observe those stories and the real things IN those stories, and watch them go by without letting them in, or letting them tip you over.
Observer mode, curiosity, nonjudgmental focus.....
and massive amounts of compassion for yourself in all things...
without fail, Tupp.
See yourself through our filters if you need to, maybe in the tough moments, then pick the thread back up, and know you're on the right path.
You're doing an amazing job, ((((((Tupp))))))).
Astonishingly well.
Lighter
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OK. I wasn't sure what you meant... I was worried you were talking about choosing between coping, and looking for better situation... and you could choose ONLY ONE, and that had to be coping. I see what you were talking about now.
Prioritizing a move....allowing son to take that quarter or semester off so you have energy sounds very reasonable to me. I trust you, and your intuitions.
I'm personally looking forward to meeting the Tupp behind the struggle.... who's there inside the battling, maternal Amazonian warrior overcomer?
You're making time to stop, put down all the stuff people thrust upon you, and really SEE what you want... who you are. Who you were born to be.
You aren't the stories in your life.
Those things happened TO you, but they aren't YOU. You can observe those stories and the real things IN those stories, and watch them go by without letting them in, or letting them tip you over.
Observer mode, curiosity, nonjudgmental focus.....
and massive amounts of compassion for yourself in all things...
without fail, Tupp.
See yourself through our filters if you need to, maybe in the tough moments, then pick the thread back up, and know you're on the right path.
You're doing an amazing job, ((((((Tupp))))))).
Astonishingly well.
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter ((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))) I appreciate your words so much. Yes, I am thinking to stop putting the energy into coping and start living :) I'm so tired, it's just so bone deep and every tiny bit of stress now feels like someone attacking me with a sledge hammer. It's small things, but they often add up. Just today, there have been four emails over a trip son is going on next week. It's transpired that he wasn't being included in the plans for the trip as it's on a day he isn't usually in - but someone's told him all about it and given him all the information, so he wants to go. I know, with my mum head on, that the total amount he'll be doing now (including this trip) will be too much for him, particularly as we're now entering Christmas season, so I've asked him to take a day off in between but he's refused, because he doesn't want to miss out on something else that's going on. So my workload will be greater next week and I'm trying to avoid getting to a point where we're both too exhausted to do anything over Christmas. I don't mind sitting in on my own if I feel alright. But if I'm exhausted, depressed and hormonal it will be an awful few days and just something else to endure. I'm tired of enduring. We went to collect his friend on the way today, he'd made his own way in but no-one let me know so it was a journey we didn't need to make. The boy's mum is then asking about more lifts for him and I'm saying, no, I don't mind the odd time but not every time. It's a stress I don't need. And now the arrangements for next week have changed again (due to all the emails) so now I need to call her over the weekend to tell her I can't do one of the lifts I said I would. They're all minor things on their own but at the minute everything feels like a big deal and it's a real struggle. So yes, I think it's time to drop down a gear and focus on what I want more of in my life, which is peace and health and enjoyable times, not an endless drudge of things to cope with.
I'm hoping Tupp behind the struggle is an older, wiser, calmer version of the bubbly, full of life Tupp who used to enjoy life and had hope for the future and thought everything would turn out alright. I hope she's still in there somewhere and that she'll be able to make her way out one day, just with better boundaries and a more assertive, "bugger off" mode to get rid of difficult people and situations quickly. Lol. Thanks, Lighter xx
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She's IN there, Tupp.
And she needs to know the universe is on her side.... is friendly... wants good things for her.
Keep those boundaries in place... folks will figure their own rides out if you can't do it for them.
DS will be tired from all this activity, and so will you, but there's rest on the way with the break from school. What do you need to do for Christmas anyway?
A little decoration... some lights... I pick up trimmings from Christmas tree lots, and do a little something that smells good in the house, but not much else lately. A simple meal that brings comfort... I like CB making a beloved soup recipe this year. Easier, and it's just nuts to knock ourselves out cooking if we don't feel like it.
Put something on TV you guys love, and relax, Tupp. The old Christmas movies, or movies you and ds loved together years ago. Yesterday youngest dd said PREDATOR was OUR movie when she was little. I laughed at that, but she remembers it with happiness. I don't remember, but it brings her joy so... we're going to watch Predator, lol.
It's sunny, and windy here..... I have to go check and make sure a bear doesn't get the turkey... it's draining on the back porch, properly spatchcocked.
A friend asked me to his TG dinner this year, and we were SO happy to go. Then his father fell ill, so I'm cooking a second big dinner.
Lord... why do we do this to ourselves?
BTW, I think you're the same person who used to enjoy life, but certainly wiser with better boundaries. It's time cast off old battles, and struggles..... and turn to what's in front of you. The future you deserve. The future you're going to build.
Lighter
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Lol. Predator is a great film to have as your family tradition, Lighter :) Decision has been made - I'm pulling him out. I went to bed last night having decided that enough was enough and woke up this morning feeling more relaxed than I have in ages. I haven't told him yet - I will do that in the New Year. I have wrestled with taking him away from something that, for a lot of the time, he enjoys doing. But the pressure on him because of the lack of support is making us both ill. I was contextualising it in other ways - if paying for it meant we couldn't pay the rent then I wouldn't do it, however much he liked it. I see it in a similar way - we're paying for it with our health and nothing is worth that. We've given it a good go but the bottom line is the public sector trains its workers to implement the system - not to be experts in the conditions that they're dealing with. I am an expert in the way my son's conditions affect him, and he will become an expert as well. Home ed worked a lot better for us and just knowing now that I don't have to slog through Christmas keeping one eye on trying to keep him well enough to go back to college has made Christmas feel like something I'm looking forward to rather than dreading. We're going to have a couple of months off in the New Year and I'm going to keep searching around for some sort of business we can run from home and a different living solution. Even that feels like less pressure now, because I feel like I can breath and take my time with it, rather than fighting to cope whilst desperately looking for a way out. That feels good.
I hope the second Thanksgiving dinner goes well, Lighter, I'm kind of glad we don't do two festivals close together over here! :) xx
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Lol. Predator is a great film to have as your family tradition, Lighter :)Look, I LIKE the movie, but DD remembers, has a happy holiday point in time fixed in her mind as part of our happiness. And that's OK. I asked her if she wanted to have it playing in the background while cooking together. She said "No, we'll save it for when we can snuggle and pay attention" bc THAT's the speicial part... I think. We continued dancing around the kitchen to oldies until guests were singing and dancing too, then it was football time, which I do not understand. Decision has been made - I'm pulling him out. I went to bed last night having decided that enough was enough and woke up this morning feeling more relaxed than I have in ages. I haven't told him yet - I will do that in the New Year. I have wrestled with taking him away from something that, for a lot of the time, he enjoys doing. But the pressure on him because of the lack of support is making us both ill. I was contextualizing it in other ways - if paying for it meant we couldn't pay the rent then I wouldn't do it, however much he liked it. I see it in a similar way - we're paying for it with our health and nothing is worth that. You put together a plan, strategized, did massive amounts of homework, thought ahead, got very proactive, and you made that move, new living situation, and location happen. BRAVA, Tupp. Heroic effort, and now you're reflecting, and taking stock,which is very wise, IMO. We've given it a good go but the bottom line is the public sector trains its workers to implement the system - not to be experts in the conditions that they're dealing with. I am an expert in the way my son's conditions affect him, and he will become an expert as well. Very well put. Easy to understand. Makes complete sense to me. Home ed worked a lot better for us and just knowing now that I don't have to slog through Christmas keeping one eye on trying to keep him well enough to go back to college has made Christmas feel like something I'm looking forward to rather than dreading. Oh, this sounds like a well thought out pivot BACK to something you know works well, and better than present situation. I remember when you started thinking college through for your ds, bc you wanted him to continue growing, learning, and gaining experiences in the world. AMAZING mom, btw, but you made that happen, and he enjoys it bc you worked hard to make sure he's comfortable there, and congratulations on giving that TO him. Taking stock, and reviewing sustainability..... acting around the facts is heroic, IMO.We're going to have a couple of months off in the New Year and I'm going to keep searching around for some sort of business we can run from home and a different living solution. Even that feels like less pressure now, because I feel like I can breathe and take my time with it, rather than fighting to cope whilst desperately looking for a way out. That feels good. I feels good just to read it, Tupp.
I hope the second Thanksgiving dinner goes well, Lighter, I'm kind of glad we don't do two festivals close together over here! :) xx ::uncomfortable belch::. Honestly, last night was one of THE best social gatherings focused on cooking way too many items (Yam Casserole made with coconut sugar, yams, salt, molasses, butter, pecans, and more coconut sugar, squash casserole with gf crackers, eggs, sharp cheddar cheese, Baked Beans made with molasses, coconut sugar, TONS of bacon and caramelized onions, ketchup then topped with uncooked bacon MORE coconut sugar, and baked almost 3 hours... longer if it's a really big casserole, then I spatchcocked a third turkey, and roasted it till we were standing over it 4 times, after eating ourselves full of side dishes and the lovely Honey Baked Ham a guest finagled out of the HBH company, sans a reservation, and THEN, when we were all so full we couldn't eat another bite, I carved that turkey. Youngest dd ws the only one who ventured in, snarfed a wing, then, happily asked for the other. Again, she surprised me.
I'm looking forward to seafood over Christmas; )
Lighter
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That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time :) Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol. Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit :)
I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table. The weight that has been lifted is enormous. I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly. I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by. I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has. But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again. Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction. But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way. The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning. If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well. Son is looking forward to doing it. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas? That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now. Lots of film watching. Maybe Predator :) Lol. xx
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Tupp, I'm so glad you're feeling this relief! It's almost the first time you sound as though you've given yourself permission to not fight for what feels impossible.
It sounds as though you have scaled your expectations down to something that can accomodate both your son and yourself, and are no longer going to fling yourself against brick walls for something that just hasn't worked. You had high expectations but you learned to adjust them to accomodate the reality, even though it was frustrating and took a while to do.
That said, you learned and grew such a great deal from your efforts and it also sounds as though he is maturing and learning too. I'm awed by both of you.
One human-scale plan at a time is all most people can manage with very limited resources and the stress of solo-parenting a nearly-adult special needs child. I hope you truly appreciate what a heroic parent you have been. You have done an amazing job of it and I believe there have been benefits to you both. I hope you won't feel you wasted your time...you've gained so much confidence and strength.
I have faith that new plans will take place at a sane pace, with realistic steps, and that the possibility of good things happening is becoming more real every day for you.
I can't think of another person who deserves it more.
Hugs,
Hops
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Hops, I think I've always been very fixed on 'getting back to normal' - going back to work, seeing friends, doing the socialising thing, and that means other people looking after son. What I wasn't prepared for - and I'm going to blow my own trumpet now - is that I've done such a good job with him most other people don't look after him as well simply because they don't know as much about his conditions :) I wasn't expecting that; I thought I'd just hand him over and everyone else would know what they were doing and then do it. So the slow dawning realisation that other people's care makes him unwell - because they don't understand and therefore meet his needs - means just handing him over isn't an option, and as I don't want to sit indoors with him for the rest of my life neither option seemed like a good one for me. So I do feel a real sense of relief that I can find something in the middle that will work and it has also dawned on me that I don't need to endlessly worry about social services and education welfare now because he's almost 18 and all the child related legislation no longer applies. So I don't have to keep proving I'm doing x, y and z, or worrying about my mum telling people I'm not doing those things properly, because he's a grown up :) And I'd kind of not realised that, because he's still child like in his intellect. But he helped me get some stuff down from the loft earlier and when I wobbled a bit on the ladder he instinctively put his hands out to steady me. And I thought, aw, he's a proper bloke now! So yes - I can see something more like a working partnership now rather than 'mum looking after son'. I'm going to hold off getting in paid carers until I have a better idea of when and where we might move. If it's a really long way off I'll sort something out here, but if it looks like it's going to happen in a reasonable amount of time then I'll wait until we're settled in our next place.
The car is loaded up ready for the car boot sale tomorrow and it's freed up space under the stairs, so I'm going to do some re-arranging which will hopefully make the sitting room feel a bit less busy. Wish me luck! Lol xx
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That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time :) Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol. Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit :)
I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table. The weight that has been lifted is enormous. I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong It's so hard to stop judging, isn't it? DS loves college, and that's bc of your efforts. What would you feel if you hadn't given it your all, and he didn't love it so much? I think the magic is YOU, Tupp. All the lessons you've learned lead to the place you're supposed to be. Neither good nor bad, just lessons, necessary,and yours to learn. and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly. You never could have half assed the college effort, and received all the answers you now have to consider as yuou go forward. I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by. I feel as though you have more space, and air, and calm to think, Tupp. I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has. But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again. The universe is on your side.
It wants good things for you, Tupp.Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction. But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way. It's time to take care of you, and your needs first. Putting the airmask on yourself, and all that. The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning. If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well. WIth people shopping for the holiday, it's a good chance you'll sell some stuff: ) Son is looking forward to doing it. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas? That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now. Lots of film watching. Maybe Predator :) Lol. xx
That is wonderful, Tupp. To be happy about the holidays, for me, means NOT doing what everyone else wants. It means honoring what I want to do.
This morning I woke up and it felt like snow, bc of the light filtering through my white bedroom curtains. I see that every day, but today it felt like holiday snow, and happiness, and it echoes through my day... that feeling of happiness, and joy.
So glad you're in a good place right now. Did you sell much stuff?
Lighter
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That sounds like an amazing day, Lighter, the hard work is worth it when you have such a good time :) Yes, a seafood Christmas sounds as if it might be a little easier on the stomach lol. Fortunately you've got all your garden work to keep you fit :)
I am finding it easier to think now that college is off the table. The weight that has been lifted is enormous. I'm disappointed that it's gone so badly wrong It's so hard to stop judging, isn't it? DS loves college, and that's bc of your efforts. What would you feel if you hadn't given it your all, and he didn't love it so much? I think the magic is YOU, Tupp. All the lessons you've learned lead to the place you're supposed to be. Neither good nor bad, just lessons, necessary,and yours to learn. and that I've kind of backed myself into a corner by throwing everything at it the way I did but I've learnt from that and it's making me take the next step more slowly. You never could have half assed the college effort, and received all the answers you now have to consider as yuou go forward. I'm going to really take my time looking around at other living options and I do want to get some at home work in place before I do anything, as well as clearing my debt and getting a bit of money put by. I feel as though you have more space, and air, and calm to think, Tupp. I think I would like to have a Plan B that can be executed easily in case Plan A turns out the way that this has. But I feel alright about taking my time now that the college stress isn't present and I feel quite excited by the prospect that I might meet some interesting and useful people as I delve into the world of paid employment again. The universe is on your side.
It wants good things for you, Tupp.Son is keen to earn money and likes the idea of doing that from home so even if I just find a way to 'pay' him an allowance in exchange for him doing x, y and z it would be a step in the right direction. But for now I am concentrating on my jobs I want to get out of the way. It's time to take care of you, and your needs first. Putting the airmask on yourself, and all that. The forecast is okay at the minute so it looks like the car boot sale will be happening tomorrow and anything that doesn't sell can stay in the car and I'll take it straight to the charity shop on Monday morning. If nothing else it will free up a bit of space at home, but hopefully we'll make some cash as well. WIth people shopping for the holiday, it's a good chance you'll sell some stuff: ) Son is looking forward to doing it. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas? That hardly ever happens, I usually dread it, but I just feel like the pressure's off and we can just have a nice time and enjoy ourselves now. Lots of film watching. Maybe Predator :) Lol. xx
That is wonderful, Tupp. To be happy about the holidays, for me, means NOT doing what everyone else wants. It means honoring what I want to do.
This morning I woke up and it felt like snow, bc of the light filtering through my white bedroom curtains. I see that every day, but today it felt like holiday snow, and happiness, and it echoes through my day... that feeling of happiness, and joy.
So glad you're in a good place right now. Did you sell much stuff?
Lighter
Waking up to a snow effect sounds lovely, Lighter, have you had any snow yet? We had a hard frost this morning and it's beautiful and sunny. Looks like an Alpine resort outside :)
The car boot sale was canceled! We got there with a fully loaded car and couldn't unload so I have taken it all to the charity shop this morning as I couldn't face unloading the car and finding places to put everything indoors again. We don't have another free weekend now before Christmas so it would be weeks before we could do another one so off to the charity shop it went :) At least it is out of the way and other people can make use of some of it now.
I have been very anxious and unwell feeling again and it is because of another couple of incidents at college. None of them on their own are a big deal but I feel like I am constantly on tenderhooks now and the smallest thing sets me off. It isn't like that with other things, generally speaking, but I think just 'public sector' is enough to set me off and I am working on it but I don't feel that setting myself off several times a week is a good thing. I'll be glad when the next two weeks is over and then we'll be focusing on our new business venture (which I haven't thought of yet but I'm working on it!). That's going to be our new phase and is what I want to put my energy into. Onwards and upwards xx
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Not much snow here, Tupp. Lots of high winds and occasional flakes. Freezing temps, and fresh worries about North winds affecting our winter boat ride on the Atlantic.
I'm sorry you're triggered. That's tough to shake, but it has a cadence, doesn't it? One of the more helpful symptoms is the anger, and fight response. It gives us energy to get through and beyond.
You know this better than anyone. It's not just fear, and feeling shattered. The anger got you through, and out the other side of the legals.
I think it'll help in some ways, until you can unhook those triggers, and leave them behind. Ya, it sucks to get gut punched, but I believe that's going to slow and maybe stop for you. You've gotten yourself through worse, and your indomitable spirit will get through this. You'll continue to shed and gather habits, patterns, and pathways to cultivate more of what you need.
I like writing about your needs, Tupp. When the crisis fades, and you're healing journey continues....what will your needs and wants look like? I hope you remain curious, and observant, even when the triggers strike....or especially when they strike.
I'm tapping with one finger....I hope this post makes sense.
Lighter
Don't judge them, Tupp.
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Sorry you had to give away all your loaded up boot sale items, Tupp. That was a lot of work, and it sounded like you and your son enjoy doing it.
Lighter
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Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot :) The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand. At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself. I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable. I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long. Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge. I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with. I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub. I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered. Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side. I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense. He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over :) I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done. I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore.
It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now. I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then. The Christmas tree is up :) And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time :) xx
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Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot :) The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand. At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself. Really good to read.I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable. I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long. WOW. That is fantastic, Tupp. Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge. I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with. It feels like getting thrown BACK into the last 15 years.... like it's right there, in front of your face doesn't it? I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub. I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered. Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side. I'm thinking it's distance, and relief from the traumas, but also convincing our bodies, and nervous systems the trauma's really in the past.... it's done, over, not IN OUR FACES any longer. I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense. I am all for moving ahead, and seeking your joy, yup yup yup.He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over :) Whoo hoo! I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done. I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore. Sounds like a plan to me.
It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now. I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then. The Christmas tree is up :) It warms my heart to kmnow you and ds are cozy by the tree. We haven't done any decorating, and I'm not sure we will this year.And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time :) xx You're a really good person, and you deserve good things.... and not bc you're good. Because you're worthy, and whole, and enough just as you are: )
Lighter
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((((Tupp))))
I'm sorry for the adrenaline reflex, Tupp. But so impressed with your persistent clarity about it these days. You no longer sound horrified by what happens, but just aware, and intentional, and clear...about what it is, how to cope with it, and more.
It's lovely to think of less clutter in your house, and a tree, and some less-obligated time ahead for you.
I truly hope the music and lights and sweet spirit buried under the Xmas culture-clutter will bring you...well, tidings of comfort and joy.
(I always hang onto those. I love the sacred music, the lights, and people being nicer to each other for a month. That is enough for me and I like skipping hoopla.)
Big hugs
Hops
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((((Tupp))))
I'm sorry for the adrenaline reflex, Tupp. But so impressed with your persistent clarity about it these days. You no longer sound horrified by what happens, but just aware, and intentional, and clear...about what it is, how to cope with it, and more.
It's lovely to think of less clutter in your house, and a tree, and some less-obligated time ahead for you.
I truly hope the music and lights and sweet spirit buried under the Xmas culture-clutter will bring you...well, tidings of comfort and joy.
(I always hang onto those. I love the sacred music, the lights, and people being nicer to each other for a month. That is enough for me and I like skipping hoopla.)
Big hugs
Hops
Hops, I do love the lights and overall twinkliness at this time of year. The local churches put on a Christmas lunch and a lady near us is taking in fifteen elderly people for the day, cooking them a traditional Christmas lunch, all at her own expense, and then they're all settling down to watch a film and The Queen's Speech afterwards. Those kind of things really make me smile. I do enjoy doing small gifts for friends. If I've got time I'm going to make up some herb sachets for relaxing baths and some lavender pillows for a few people. I like doing little things like that. We've grown some hyacinths as a thank you for some of the people locally who've helped us this year - the library staff, who are lovely and have been so welcoming to my son, the staff in the local hemp shop who've been similarly kind and the complementary therapists we see, who've also helped a lot. I like doing things like that. I do find I think about my mum a lot this time of year. It still feels very wrong not to be buying her a gift or seeing or speaking to her over Christmas. We'll have some nice food, son has done his present list so he'll be happy with his gifts. I'll get some films and books out of the library and we can go for some nice walks. I got son's bike fixed so we might be able to go out for a bike ride, I'll have to see how he is on the day.
I am finding I can see a clearer pattern now with the triggers and reactions. I think the whole public sector thing is just too much and it triggers such an avalanche of both physical and emotional symptoms that it knocks me for six. We'll get next week out of the way and then that will be it. My focus in the New Year will be on finding some sort of business we can work at from home, or if it's out of home in a way that suits us both. I'll carry on working on my health and we will get to a point where the public sector stuff won't knock me for six any more. The stuff with my mum doesn't floor me like it used to, it's just taken about twenty years to get to that point. So it will be okay. I already feel more relaxed knowing we have a way out now. I felt very trapped before and I don't cope well with that at all. It will work out. I have a good feeling about what's coming next. I think I have healed and grown a lot this last year, albeit in a very painful and unpleasant way. But I think it's given me a good foundation to move on from xx
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I do too, Tupp.
I think you sound much much more anchored in yourself, rather than in outside circumstances. And it's lovely to see. Mind blowing how far you've come.
I won't wax holiday much more except to say how delightful what's going on within and around you is. My D haunts me this time of year but I'm extremely lucky to have the distraction of travel with M coming up. It'll be my first holiday with someone who feels like family in decades. Maybe I'll get used to it!
Hugs
Hops
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Lighter, I am noticing and observing a lot :) The trigger pattern, as I see it, showed up well last week because I'd had such a nice acupuncture treatment before hand. At the moment I am trying, each day, to do yoga, meditate, build in a bit of down time, eat fairly well and generally look after myself. Really good to read.I went in to acupuncture feeling tired and listless but not stressed and all over the place - anxious, perhaps, but manageable. I came out feeling better than I had for ages and woke up the next morning with a bit of energy for the first time in I don't know how long. WOW. That is fantastic, Tupp. Then we had two incidents with college on each of the following days and they weren't big incidents but for me it was like a grenade going off and the physical effects are huge. I think the trouble is every small problem brings up every single thing that's happened over the last fifteen years and it's just too much for my nervous system to cope with. It feels like getting thrown BACK into the last 15 years.... like it's right there, in front of your face doesn't it? I think it's a bit like being an alcoholic - if you're trying to get away from drinking you wouldn't keep going to the pub. I think it's the same with me - in order to get over it all, we need to keep away from the public sector so that I don't keep being triggered. Once the stress and anxiety wears off I feel exhausted - presumably because it causes a big adrenalin push and then a big crash the other side. I'm thinking it's distance, and relief from the traumas, but also convincing our bodies, and nervous systems the trauma's really in the past.... it's done, over, not IN OUR FACES any longer. I feel really excited about the prospect of looking into business opportunities and working with son on his projects at home again and I want to focus my time and energy on that rather than on dealing with stress and nonsense. I am all for moving ahead, and seeking your joy, yup yup yup.He's got three days there next week and then that's it - all over :) Whoo hoo! I have an acupuncture treatment booked for the week after so I'm hoping that I'll have this one and then, because I won't have a college stress to deal with, it will kind of feed in to all the healthy, positive habits I'm trying to put together instead of being obliterated by another string of emails that need to be done. I'm looking forward to not being stressed about it all anymore. Sounds like a plan to me.
It would have been nice to get some cash for the car boot sale stuff but at least it's cleared a bit of space out and other people can benefit from the items now. I took another car load of stuff to the dump so at the moment the house is a bit less cluttered than it was before and if/when we move, it's a job that won't need doing then. The Christmas tree is up :) It warms my heart to kmnow you and ds are cozy by the tree. We haven't done any decorating, and I'm not sure we will this year.And we've got five days at home now without any drama or interruptions so I might be feeling human again in a couple of days time :) xx You're a really good person, and you deserve good things.... and not bc you're good. Because you're worthy, and whole, and enough just as you are: )
Lighter
I missed your reply, Lighter, sorry! I feel human today, just from doing nothing yesterday. Yes, I think a time will come when the reactions fade and the trauma starts to leave. I think I need to stop re-traumatising to get there. I'm just going to keep focusing on doing things that help and make me feel good (or at least not dreadful) and try and avoid everything else :) xx
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I do too, Tupp.
I think you sound much much more anchored in yourself, rather than in outside circumstances. And it's lovely to see. Mind blowing how far you've come.
I won't wax holiday much more except to say how delightful what's going on within and around you is. My D haunts me this time of year but I'm extremely lucky to have the distraction of travel with M coming up. It'll be my first holiday with someone who feels like family in decades. Maybe I'll get used to it!
Hugs
Hops
It's a very hard time when there are people that you miss. Of course, you miss them all year through but it does feel harder this time of year. I'm glad you've got M and the holiday to distract you a bit.
I am feeling more anchored in myself and calmer. I've been number crunching and next year is going to be tight for at least some of the time. Practically and sensibly I'm better off putting thoughts of moving aside until I've got a decent pot saved up and some work sorted out from home (which will take a while) and usually that would make me go a bit insane but it feels alright and I feel like I can manage it. I'm missing my friends from back home and would like to get back up to see them but if I have to wait, then I have to wait. It is what it is now and I do feel calmer about it all. The yoga must be working :) Lol xx
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I am becoming fierce in my need to have uncluttered space. My whole self relaxes.
Beautiful, CB. Whole.
Tupp, I can only say, "What she said."
Fierce peace to both of you,
Hops
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Tupp, I really identify with your journey since we have been through some of the same things---and still are.
My first five years in this city were in housing that I really was uncomfortable in. It was impossible to function in a way that felt like me and I had to find a new way of relating. My home has always been the center of who I am, and to live in places that were so cramped and non functional struck at the core of my identity. It was very hard. I hear you.
It is better now. I still look back and try to think how I could have stayed more grounded during those years. I don't have the answer yet. I'm also aware that I am not getting younger. I may have to re visit that experience and I want to do it better, but I just dont have any insight at this point.
It's also a challenge when you have adult children who are not able to make the normal transition to independence. I really hear you there. You are constantly walking the tight rope between pushing them to be all they can be, and accepting that they may be currently experiencing all they can be. It's very hard. And you get very little helpful advice. I just want you to know that I get where you are.
I think the de-cluttering you are doing is going to be really therapeutic for you. The clear space gives you some clear mental space. I don't know why that is, but it is true for me as well. I have always been a "maximalist" more than a minimalist, but I am becoming fierce in my need to have uncluttered space. My whole self relaxes.
Thinking of you this holiday season and hoping the new year brings all kinds of new insights to you and your son.
CB
Thanks, CB, yes, it's different aspects of different things, isn't it? Home is such an important place, it's your anchor and your port in a storm and when home itself is stressful it's hard to relax and wind down. I don't look forward to coming home when we're out, even though I've made it as comfy as I can (and to be honest I've worked a bit of a miracle with it, even if I do say so myself!). But it's so small that it was only possible to put the Christmas tree up once we'd cleared out the stuff for the carboot sale, and now that the Christmas tree is up, the only place to put the clothes airer is actually in the bath tub. When I take it out of the bath because I need to bath son I have to put it in the doorway of my bedroom because there just isn't any floor space to put the thing down. Crazy that they can build houses this small and call them two bedrooms. Really it's one bedroom with a study. But - it won't be forever. We walked home past the homeless camp yesterday; they've moved the people in tents from the edges of town (there's an election coming up so the current party in power don't want evidence of the horror and destruction their policies have caused) to the wooded areas that lie between the pedestrian access paths that criscross the land between the different parts of town, and there were rats running between the tents and over their bags and piles of possessions and it was just such a horrifying sight so, I do need to be grateful for what I have without accepting it and doing nothing to change it.
But yesterday was such a good day! A friend has been doing some work from home for an online company and it's going alright for her so she sent me the info about it - I'll look into it as soon as these last complaints are written up. Son and I took the bus to the beach and enjoyed the views from the top deck and then went for a hot chocolate. We just missed the connecting bus from town to home on the way back so decided to walk and it was nice. Son did well and we've got a day off today so he can put his feet up and have a rest now. I did a nice dinner and prepped it all before we went out and I love to get home and just put dinner on, not to have to start peeling and chopping. So it was a nice day. Christmas prep is minimal and I'm on the case with it. I'm starting to feel less reactive about friends who haven't been very supportive, which is good. De-cluttering is a tonic.
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I sincerely hope you're heading to less reactivity around all things, ((Tupp.))
Well done decluttering your space: )
Lighter