Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on November 02, 2024, 03:58:28 AM
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Well, I have decided that my current problem is that I don't have a personality of my own. Which feels weird to say, but I think it's true. I mentioned on one of the other threads how nice it was when we were away, to have chats with people about travel and sight seeing and where they'd taken good pictures. Since then, I have found it very hard to maintain contact with almost everyone I know, because everyone I know is in a constant state of crux and problems, mostly doing very little about it, either. I have kept wondering why I don't really have people in my life who are living life, and enjoying it, and I think a lack of real personality on my part is the reason. It's understandable, because I spent the first thirty years of my life dealing with 'we all know what', and the next twenty years dealing with the fallout, alongside supporting my son. I've always connected with people through circumstances, and as my circumstances for the last thirty years have been health and problem related, that's what I've got all around me. And I don't want it anymore.
When I started thinking about the kind of people I'd like to be around, I realised they wouldn't be drawn to being around me, because I have very little about me that isn't abuse/disability/dealing with problems related. So I need to find a personality! And hopefully it will lead me to situations where I will meet people who have some common interests and we can interact on that basis. I've started with a book on ghosts and legends in the local area, and am now listening to a lecture about dragons by Ronald Hutton (which I don't understand!). Any tips on personality development welcome! Lol x
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LOL. I can relate!
Maybe list a few things you admire in other people? Then, think about how they acquired those traits. I'll bet it's 50-50% between "just born that way" and the result of problemsolving in their own lives. If you're lucky, you might get a chance to ask someone how they became x, y or z and hopefully, they're open to discussing it.
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Skep, that is a good idea! I was thinking about my own skills and interests and funnily, some things I am really good at (like problem solving, organising, dealing with a crisis and so on) have come from having so many problems, so I'm glad I've got that. But yes, there are lots of things I'd love to do more of and share with others but ............ what I already noticed today is that without my 'mind numbing' stuff, I do start to struggle with feelings of loss and loneliness. And a lack of fulfilment, I suppose. So I think I'm going to have to tip toe my way through it, try and just let the feelings be there and do things anyway and try not to get down in the dumps. It would have been good to go for a long walk today but there was stuff to do at home that will cause problems if it's not done this weekend, so I've been in all day, which doesn't help. Could get out for a little walk a bit later on though, which will be better than nothing. I'm very envious of the cat, he's been stretched out on the bed all day, just does nothing other than look cute and eat. That is a life I'd like!
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B and I take advantage of every chance we get to imitate cats! And after a real busy week, we announce a dedicated "do nothing day". And it doesn't have to be running around or working - the mental exhaustion requires the same kind of downtime, if not MORE downtime.
I think a lot of people fell into the hamster-wheel mentality in their younger working years. As in one's worth is measured by how productive one is. I know I did. So the time we have gets taken up by doing things... and we don't even acknowledge that "being" is JUST AS important. (Probably don't have the time to let those kinds of emotional thoughts percolate out...) But that whole world opened up for me, while in my hermiting/healing phase. And it reminded me of when I was little and spent most of my time in an imaginary world of fairies, magic, make-believe... and how much fun that was. Same with creative work, too.
With painting or other image making, I never even realized how much time I was devoting to it - when I was solidly in that "zone". Oh I'd take breaks and go do other things... but didn't completely leave off my connection to whatever I was working on. (I think this why artists frequently have support people around them, reminding them to eat, sleep, whatever.)
You'll figure out your own way to balance the "do-be" spectrum, Tupp. "do-be-do-be-doooo"!
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I've had to pause and sit with the phrase you use, Tupp.
I believe you had to hide yourself ...keep your light under a basket in order to survive or find safety.
You're empathetic traits were valued and friends/family seek you out, use you as sounding board and soft shoulder. You simmer and wonder at their lack of action and ability to pivot.
From here.... that's more to the point than your "lack of personality."
What happens if you speak your mind, instead of biting your tongue?
What happens if you acknowledge a speaker's thought and move past the typical discussions? Take it in directions you want to go?
Some won't pivot. Some won't want to try, but some might. I imagine there's some fear of being discarded IF you stop performing the patient empathy role. I get that, but it doesn't have the be good or bad, imo. It can just be space for uplifting things and people already walking paths you aspire to, imo.
And I believe speaking your truth is who you are. That you aren't speaking your truth to those who need your ear......is information. Not good or bad and more about them than you, IME.
You allow self absorbed people to remain self absorbed in relative comfort. At your own expense.
Your thoughts are interesting. You have a POV. You aren't the trauma, struggle and injustice you've lived, but it's shaped you into a person who appears done with pretending. Done pretending tedious conversations and people are enough. Are worthy of your time and attention. Not saying to dump everyone. I'm suggesting you step into your truth, step out of expectations to create new habits and ways of being in the world.
People who care about you will understand and support you in this. People who need your silence and shoulder will want you to remain the same, IME.
You can gird your loins and expect awkward, difficult drama.....at least a bit, but know breaking things apart might be part of building your life.
Asserting yourself....refusing to be silenced into settling might get you labeled things you certainly are not.....but not by your friends. Not by people who want your happiness.....even if it costs them some comfort and satisfaction.
You've enabled your friends to show up, be themselves, speak their truth without reciprocating.
Asking for what you need.....
Speaking your truth.....
Stating boundaries....
Holding boundaries....
Figuring out consequences you can live with, then following up without hesitation will be who you are and who you were born to be, Tupp.
You aren't living under threat anymore. You can speak without threat to your survival. It might take a while to internalize and believe, but the more you practice, the easier it will be.
I'm curious where the ghosts and dragons interest will take you. What happens for Tupp if she channels more energy into herself, as priority, and less to others.
My moss friend wondered that out loud, about me, last year. Hmmm.
Lighter
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Dunno what happened, but I wrote a lively defense of your personality, which I'm a big fan of, and suggested you might start inviting yourself while in one of those endless, pivot-free discussions, to change the subject without anger or distress.
That could take quite a few tries before it feels normal. But with practice, it will, imo.
I will defend your wry, ironic and intelligent and highly perceptive nature, period.
hugs
Hops
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Skep, I used to get 'in the zone' with reading, look up and realise it was dark outside and I'd been sat for hours. Those are the sort of things that don't happen anymore; I could read for hours now but I think my brain got so used to never getting more than ten minutes that it works differently now. Trying to turn it back the other way. The cat's life is definitely one to aspire to, all that lounging! And ours just plonks himself wherever he likes and we have to go round him, there's no shifting him. Lol.
Thanks, Lighter and Hops :) I think my current problem is I don't have a subject to change to, because I tend not to do anything other than problem solve, boring but necessary things and then numbing out stuff (ie TV, social media and books that aren't really worth talking about, just something that doesn't require thought or effort and just numbs the feelings away). So that's what I want to change, more things in life that make for interesting conversation. I'm not interested in politics, world news, that poor lady that got murdered, all those sorts of things that seem to be what others want to talk about a lot. I'd really like, for example, to know someone who, when I tell them I went to see a film (and son and I go often as he is a real film fanatic) wants to know which film, and who was in it, and 'oh did you see that one they did about the giant daisy' or whatever, but someone else who has that interest, or at least has enough interest in a conversation that they'll ask questions about what the other person did for the sake of making conversation. Even better would be someone who has some other suggestions of films by the same director, or knows of an exhibition that ties in with it, or just got this great book about so and so's work, that sort of thing. That's what I'd love, conversations that go somewhere, rather than what usually happens which is a grumble about the cost/parking/you can watch it cheaper at home/no reaction other than 'oh' or bizarrely, a leap from that into complaining about immigrants/Tories/global warming/conspiracy theories or any one of the many things that seem to form a lot of people's conversation now. I don't care lol.
I think the pivoting thing is the reason I've pretty much stopped talking to everyone now. I do find that anything that isn't their preferred topic just doesn't get a response and I want to feel enlivened by a conversation or get together, rather than exhausted. I want more things I can talk about from my own life so that when I meet new people I don't feel like I've got nothing to offer. The friend who went on for a very long time about their trip, I posted about that a while ago, I've not spoken to since, because I realised it's always me who contacts her and then she talks at me. So I haven't contacted her since and guess what? She hasn't got in touch. Another friend who always replies to my 'how are you texts' with a very long list of everything that's gone wrong that week and how many problems she has and no-one ever does anything, but almost all of these things could be tackled more proactively. Usually I respond with an equally long message of sympathy and support, suggestions of things to try and offers of help, but this time I just said I was sorry she'd had a tough week, hoped things improved soon and did she have anything planned for Guy Fawkes night. No reply lol.
I think what I'm finding tough is that the feelings that come up without the numbing out are very difficult to feel. I quite literally do not have anyone in real life who keeps in touch with me just to see how we're doing, or who is genuinely interested in anything we do or anywhere we go. Our lovely trip away at the beginning of last month is consigned to the scrap book because I've not had a real life conversation with anyone who was at all interested in it or wanted to know anything about it. And me bringing it up elicited comments about how much they needed a holiday/how much it costs to go away/how they'd never holiday in the UK etc, and I want to talk to people who say 'oh how amazing! Where did you go, what did you do, what did you see?'. I've got people I can share that with online, but I'd love it face to face, someone sat here, having a cuppa, looking through the photos and genuinely being interested in what we experienced. Anyway - all in all, I think it's about self improvement. Getting in to a better head space by engaging in more interesting things at home, and that leading to getting to events and groups where people are doing 'that stuff', and then hopefully meeting folk who at later date would be interested in knowing what we did - even wanting to come with us next time! Imagine that. Tupp the social butterflly instead of Tupp the fixer and emotional dumpster. Wouldn't that be great lol
Just editing to say, one of the things I find so difficult about other people is I've had a lot of people bin me off over the years, presumably because all I had to talk about was how many problems we were having and I didn't have anything interesting to offer. And it hurt, very deeply, and left me very lonely. I've known a lot of people over the years I have found interesting and wanted to be around, but they didn't want to be around me, in just the same way there are people now I've known for a long time who I don't want to be around any more. I know how painful it is so part of me doesn't want to do it to anyone else. But practically I haven't got the time or the headspace to accommodate someone else and get more into things that interest me. It's necessary but it doesn't feel good x
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((Tupp)) sitting with that discomfort as you firm new habits, interests and connections will get more, and less, uncomfortable as you go.
Remember things will feel worse before feeling better, ime. Returning to old habits and people might slide into your coping strategies.....and that's ok too.
Remember what you're working towards. Maybe make a list of 3 healthier coping strategies to grab when things feel hard.
Your job is self care first and foremost. Not enabling people to use you as their emotional waste basket, nope, nope, nope.
You.
First.
It's time.
:: solemn nod::.
Lighter
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((Tupp)) sitting with that discomfort as you firm new habits, interests and connections will get more, and less, uncomfortable as you go.
Remember things will feel worse before feeling better, ime. Returning to old habits and people might slide into your coping strategies.....and that's ok too.
Remember what you're working towards. Maybe make a list of 3 healthier coping strategies to grab when things feel hard.
Your job is self care first and foremost. Not enabling people to use you as their emotional waste basket, nope, nope, nope.
You.
First.
It's time.
:: solemn nod::.
Lighter
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes, Lighter. It is getting through that difficult, uncomfortable stuff that helps so much more. Ive been trying really hard to focus on good routines - plenty of water, healthy food, yoga, walks outside, son's stuff obviously, but more focusing on basic good health habits and better routines. I did wake up this morning feeling better than I have for a long time. I'm hoping that's something that might be here to stay, if I keep up the healthier routines. Son's got a group this afternoon, and for the first time in I don't know how long, I don't have a long list of errands to rush around doing while he's there. So I'm going to go for a long walk and just enjoy walking, and being able to do it.
I've resisted the urge to reach out to those I usually check in on. I've not liked the complete phone silence this week, truthfully. I've had one friend return a call I made last week (a friend who doesn't need constant hand holding), and that was nice. If I could have more conversations like that each week, it would be good. Interestingly, those people I usually contact regularly to check in on have not contacted me, despite it being unusual that I've not been in touch. I do think I need to really get my head out of 'I'm the only person that does this for them' mode, and accept that when people do that kind of compassion vacuuming, it doesn't really matter to them who does it. If I withdraw, they'll find someone else to do it. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
But overall - back feels pretty good, house is clean and organised (fairly well), garden looks okay, washing is on the line, money updated, emails on top of, most of Christmas prep done and ready to be sent nearer the end of this month. All quite boring and mundane but - no drama, very little stress and no sense of great despondency, despite the shorter days now. So all good.
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"Compassion vacumning" - Good one!!
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I'm happy to read your update, Tupp. Leaves room for arranging pleasant things in your life, IME. I find such joy in arranging little cases of fresh ivy in the house.
Keep breathing.....I find those who want to vomit they're stuff have a list of people they go through.
It's ok to put them down. Maybe come up with a mantra when you notice the silence they used to fill?
What would that mantra sound like?
I've always asked for help to help myself, to see the truth more clearly and do good work in the world when negative things try to crowd in.
Remember to sing, dance and hum,
((Tupp.))
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter :) And Skep :). Funnily enough the unpleasant silence has quickly become pleasant. It's amazing how much more I'm getting done (and how much better I'm feeling) when my head space is only full of my own stuff, rather than everyone else's. I did check in with one friend yesterday. I struggle with her the most; I really like her, she is genuinely lovely and her circumstances are genuinely hard. But she has family who are more of a hindrance than a help, quite honestly (my disabled son is more practical help around the house than her not disabled husband, for example). They also have more than enough money to pay for practical help if needed, but she won't spend any of it and she won't ask for help, either. No-one offers; I think it suits them all to have her deal with everyone's boring but necessary stuff while they relax after work and enjoy their free time. So although her problems are genuine, there are many things she could do to address them, and she won't do them. So I have detached. I think one of the things that bugs me is the time, money and effort I've put in over the years, with therapy, self help, a whole range of doctors, complementary therapists, multiple approaches with my son, and doing so much on my own rather than continuing unhealthy relationships. It hasn't been easy, I've made many suggestions to her (all ignored), and her situation is only going to get worse if she doesn't make some changes. So I've detached a bit; still checking in from time to time but no suggestions or deep commiserations. I feel like i'm in a good place now and I don't want to get involved in other people's difficult times if they're not doing what they can to change things. Even just a tiny thing would be a start.
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Another good update from you, Tupp. Yes.
I think the brain tickle one receives from tuning into troubled /unstable people feels like our childhood homes. Familiar. Likely to bring more safety, but doesn't in present day. That's just a fact and can be changed.....I hope. No....it can be changed.
I also think you can be ok......even if your overwhelmed friend isn't ok, refuses to consider meaningful change and continues struggling while her family adds burdens to her plate without care.
Detachment from her outcome means your brain isn't burning and churning in a wasteful exercise changing nothing.
Detachment is a gift you give yourself....to turn towards meaningful things....making actual differences, IME. THAT is the change one hopes for, IME.
Do what you can, then put the story on the shelf. Turn towards the joy in front of you. See the choices....every day. Choose yourself.
Your friend perceives the increased difficulty changes would create for her, short term... she's not wrong. I do believe things would get better more quickly than her burdened heart can hope. That's how it will be till she's sick of being sick of being sick, IME.
And .... it's possible an epiphany will hit.... she's doing her son a disservice by enabling his dependency on her.....his abuse of her time. There's shame where he could build pride in self reliance and care for his family and home.....in adulting and carrying his own weight.
That realization has to hit....really hit, for her. It won't be comfortable. It's likely extreme discomfort will be catalyst for her possible different choices, ime.
You can't want that more than she does. Your gift to her will be calming her (brain/Nervous System) enough to help her identify more choice for herself. She can't see it now, Tupp.
I guess you ask her what she's going to do, then listen ...instead of giving advice during her next crisis. Let her do the problem solving math in her own head.
I hope she feels the weight of her choices, when you tell her to "let you know how it works out."
Lighter
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Yes, Lighter, tuning in to our troubled childhoods! There is a lot to be said for bonding with, and being able to talk to people who get it, and that does usually mean lived experience. But there's a line, isn't there, like everything in life, it gets to a point where it's holding you back instead of helping you out.
What I am realising is I am seeing aspects of myself in this particular friend, and I think that's why I'm struggling with it. She has options that I don't have, because she has money and people around her. I'm focusing on what I think she should be doing with the assets she has, when I should be focusing on acquiring those assets myself, so I can do what is right for me, rather than wishing she'd do right for herself. Silly Tupp. I think she feels she's the only one who can deal with her family's problems (I'm talking about the adults in her family, not children). I've spent my life around people who tell me I'm the only one who listens, the only one who cares, the only one who remembers. The parallels are there.
And attachment! The phone not ringing scenarios bother me because I want to feel like someone wants me. People only wanting me for what I can do for them makes me feel worthless. But so does no-one phoning at all. Time to refocus on developing myself, creating healthy relationships that are not based on circumstances and reminding myself that it's better to be alone that to be with someone who makes me feel lonely.
Just editing because I went from here to YouTube to look for a meditation to do. Something popped up about choosing yourself because if you don't, no-one else will choose you, and that's the crux of it, I think? Having to be someone else's prop in childhood, having to stay small, not take up space, not draw attention, quietly and silently fix and manage and predict behaviour. And it means you don't grow, in any way other than your ability to take shit, and draw it to you. Stepping out, being yourself, owning your mistakes and experiences - it doesn't just feel scary, it feels lethal. Hmm. I wish you could eat your way through these emotional blockages, it would be so much easier.
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Well I don't know what happened but something burst. Had a very big cry, not sure why exactly but it obviously needed to be done. Very tired afterwards so went back to bed for a bit, woke up feeling like something's shifted out of my way although I'm not sure what! My new daily routine has gone out of the window a bit but no matter, will pick up as best I can and I'm hoping for a sound sleep tonight.
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((((((Tupp)))))), hon.
Sounds like your clarity (astonishing) pierced through a snow shelf above your head and it all came plummeting down. Sounded exhaustingly cleansing, but needed.
I'm awed by your thinking, the way you spot the nuances, the cracks, the thin places. When you can see them, you can step around them. It won't be a positive routine alone that gives you strength to find new people, imo. It'll be recognizing that little inner one, comforting her with all your kindness to self, tenderness, compassion and, soon, invitations to look, to play, to just be. With yourself. *AND around others.* Setting down the need to be on watch at all times, to take notes for future evaluation, etc. Just be with people once a week and see what happens.
You've got NO JOB to do, other than just be. The recitations of solvable problems? You can silently chat to the curious little girl inside you: "Hmm. What do you think she'll say today about it all?" And, "Do you want to say something different than usual?" Curiosity is a great friend to you, as Lighter often mentions. It means open, but not necessarily vulnerable. I imagine a puppy tilting its head. A lot. You can be curious but still as detached as much as you need to be to keep your inner peace.
You are a great person, Tupp, and your personality will evolve and change forever, even as your creative, insightful core only gets stronger. You're going to be an awesome old bat!
I know if I was next door I'd come have tea and give you an enormous hug until you squeaked uhhhh, thanks Hops, you can [cough, can't breathe] let go now....
hugs
Hops
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Aw Hopsie, I can't wait to be an awesome old bat! I think the old bat bit is already there lol. Something definitely pinged today, I just feel - different. I think I'd just really like to meet people through interests and hobbies now, rather than circumstances and 'support' situations. I don't want to meet people with problems anymore, I think, or at least, not in the ways I have before.
I can see how my intense need to be liked has made me listen very earnestly to other people's problems, help them where I can and check in on them often. My need matches theirs, I think. But I don't want to do that anymore. I have managed to read three quarters of a book this weekend, which has been really nice, and means I have got something I could talk about in passing with someone else. I'd like to be able to talk to people about interesting topics and not be watching for 'signs' of anything. Accept or issue an invitation for coffee because I find the other person interesting, not because I feel sorry for them, or because I'm just grateful to have been asked. The next stage in the journey, I guess.
Squeaky hugs welcome, although you have to include the cat. Lol
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Great idea to find folks through shared interests. I think you'll love the process because your intellect will also be engaged. Then an easy shared laugh or finding a thinker who'd enjoy a cuppa will be so pleasant.
Just don't look for people with no problems, because everyone has some. And some have hidden losses, etc, that you don't pick up right away. It's the yesbutters that bug and drain you.
Surely, though, you (and inner Tupp) can practice NOT NOT NOT NOT trying to fix it. (Mantra: We're NOT trying fix this. I literally run that through my head.) And then distance yourself as needed when/if another vampire turns up.
I think it's wonderful to recognize how desperately (old survival behavior from Little Tupp) you lapse into being so focused on people liking you. You can now, in full faith and confidence, like yourself. (Another mantra: I like me, I like me, I like me....). I remember memorizing the statement that practically every self-help article about emotional vampires advises: "Wow. What do you think you're going to do?" In an open and curious tone. (That's friendly. Just don't add "about it?" which somehow turns it into criticism.)
Catalog your moments of peace and confidence, too. Enjoy them.
Enough of me blah-blahing and making up scripts. Writer feature, friendship bug.
hugs
Hops
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Great idea to find folks through shared interests. I think you'll love the process because your intellect will also be engaged. Then an easy shared laugh or finding a thinker who'd enjoy a cuppa will be so pleasant.
Just don't look for people with no problems, because everyone has some. And some have hidden losses, etc, that you don't pick up right away. It's the yesbutters that bug and drain you.
Surely, though, you (and inner Tupp) can practice NOT NOT NOT NOT trying to fix it. (Mantra: We're NOT trying fix this. I literally run that through my head.) And then distance yourself as needed when/if another vampire turns up.
I think it's wonderful to recognize how desperately (old survival behavior from Little Tupp) you lapse into being so focused on people liking you. You can now, in full faith and confidence, like yourself. (Another mantra: I like me, I like me, I like me....). I remember memorizing the statement that practically every self-help article about emotional vampires advises: "Wow. What do you think you're going to do?" In an open and curious tone. (That's friendly. Just don't add "about it?" which somehow turns it into criticism.)
Catalog your moments of peace and confidence, too. Enjoy them.
Enough of me blah-blahing and making up scripts. Writer feature, friendship bug.
hugs
Hops
It's the not fixing that's the hurdle for me, Hopsie, I don't think I've ever existed in any other way? I genuinely can't think of a single situation in my life where I haven't prioritised other people over myself, often without them even asking me too. It's as deeply ingrained as blinking and I think that's where my problem will lie, talking and getting to know people (and of course you're right, everyone has problems). "What do you think you are going to do?" is the key, isn't it, because if the answer is, "well I checked with this online group and I've followed their advice, next step is to see the doctor, I've cut down on cake/drink/ciggies etc, etc", that's the key isn't it? Are they doing something about the problem or not? I don't think I'd feel put upon helping someone who was helping themselves, I'm just feeling dragged down now by the weight of those who, although in genuinely difficult situations, just plod along continuing to do things they know are making things worse. That kind of baffles me. "What do you think you're going to do?" I need to print that on a T shirt and just flash at people lol
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I'm finding the inner work difficult. The anger that comes up is overwhelming, particularly very early in the mornings, which is when I tend to wake up. I've been doing cord cutting meditations, and decided to try it on different aspects of myself that I feel hold me back. So I did one today to cut cords with the part of myself who had just been told her father had died.
I can see myself at that age, so young, with this huge news and life changing situation thrust upon me - and there is literally no-one there. Not one person, at any stage, gave us a hug, attempted to comfort us, made an effort to spend time with us, anything. No-one. Not an aunt, uncle, parent, grandparent, family friend, school teacher, neighbour, nobody. Seeing that in my mind, feeling that, my attachment problems and desperate need to be needed make sense. My reactions to rejection make sense. Two little girls, and no-one thought a cuddle and a trip to the swing park might help a bit. Not even a hot drink to try to take the edge off a little. What the f was wrong with all these people? I know things were different back then, but surely not everyone thought a hug would be the worst thing in the world?
I've got food being delivered today; I'm trying to eat healthy so the plan is to cook ahead and prep as much as possible, fill the freezer up and then hopefully avoid the snacking and late night munching. Might see if I can lure son out for a walk later with the promise of a hot chocolate at the end of it. It's cold but dry. Be better than staying indoors. Maybe that's it, plenty of food prep and organising and then out the door for a wander and a hot drink. Wtf is wrong with people?
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Most of the time, those people get caught up in their own self-absorbed emotions and literally do not see anything beyond that. When they move out of that phase, they simply follow the given traditions - no matter how they feel or how the death impacts them.
Yeah, as a child it's a confusingly terrifying sensation to feel that invisible; non-existent; not important in the adult sphere. But you did find a way to cope then. It may not be as helpful now. But you DID cope and you learned that people DO need acknowledgement of their existence and feelings... maybe why you've been so "other focused"?
I dunno. But I do relate, having been in your shoes in my own life. Maybe it would help to take a little time to "further process" the complicated grief involved in your Dad's death - and show little Tupp the compassion she needed then? IMO, grief in one form or another lingers... until you've fully processed all the angles of it and that can take many years.
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((Tupp)) cutting the cord between you and young Tupp hearing Dad died....I think she belongs and is asking to be tended to.
When you've food prepped, breathed in the outdoors and feel caught up, I wonder if some EMDR would be helpful in this situation.
You can tap into the emotions, then it the story on the shelf.
Stay with the bodily sensations. Find it. Name it. Give it a number.
This seems like a helpful place for memory reconsolidation to bring in a mother archetype.....superhero, friend, self...pick one and walk Little Tupp and sister through this loss with support, care and all the help you'd give ds.
Use EMDR....if that feels possible and right...
I like incorporating the blinks.
Remember to check your body, sensations, is the number decreasing? Keep going.
Is the number the same or worse? Find a neutral place in your body and focus on that while using EMDR. Focus on the space and things around you.....peripheral vision. Sights. Sounds. Check number again.
You've done EMDR work with a T.....if you have notes, maybe check them if you feel you're up for it.
Little Tupp belongs and it's possible she'll relax and find peace if you change this experience into the one you wish she had.
Tending to her, in whatever way feels helpful, is an option.
Lighter
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What was your real father like, Tupp?
Are there some good memories? Any affection?
I'm so sorry you lost him so young, and in a callous atmosphere.
hugs
Hops
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Thank you, everyone, it's much appreciated. I felt awful for about an hour and then it just evaporated. So strange. There's still emotion there, of course, but it's not weighing me down now. I suppose one of the things for me is that I've done so much work on myself and on digging in to all of this that seeing my relatives as they are now (forty plus years on), none of them have changed a bit. I know my mother would say exactly the same to me now as she did all those years ago. My sister will say what my mother would have said. Inside, they're all still the same. That's probably why there's such a gulf between us. But it's all just kind of lifted. It's there, but now it's inside something else and tucked out of the way. So weird. I wish I understood all this stuff better.
I realised this morning that my train of thought is a subtle, unvoiced criticism of myself. I don't berate myself or talk to myself unpleasantly, but I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on. It's that thing of never being enough. So I've been trying to write down what I'm doing and how it benefits me, every tiny thing, to try to shift that. And it's very tiring, only been up an hour and already exhausted from it. But if feels like the right thing to do so I'm going to stick with it today x
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I'm glad things seem to have shifted, Tupp.
One helpful thing my T suggested is to identify and invite my wounded and protective parts to be my allies in processing my trauma.
I have an appointment with T today,after a long break, btw. It's time.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter. Today I'm wondering why people act/behave helpless when they're not? And why it's taken me so long to stop jumping in to fix lol. A friend has to make a journey, she's a sprained/strained ankle so currently the distance she needs to cover is not possible if she drives or walks. There isn't public transport in that area at the right time (part of the journey can be done by train but there's no bus from the train station to the bit she needs to get to. Normal circumstances she could walk it but with a dodgy ankle it's not possible). I had a looooong message from her about this big situation where she has to figure out how to get from A to B with all those things in mind. You get a taxi? Or postpone the appointment (it's not urgent and it's easy to reschedule)? I did start messaging back with those suggestions but then I thought, no, this isn't a problem, this is very ordinary, every day situation that is easy to deal with and doesn't require fuss or extensive thinking. So I just said something vague like oh gosh, always something to think about and I left it there. Ten minutes later I got a reply which said "I suppose I could get a taxi". I guess it's the first time I've looked at it in this way, there was just no need for any of it beyond possibly getting a couple of taxi numbers in advance or maybe even pre-booking it, but it's a basic day to day activity so why the drama? It made me sit up and take notice of myself; my immediate response was to step in but there's not even any need to. Why create the need and why do I respond without thinking. Just more tweaking to do. It is weird with the phone not going, sometimes the peace is nice, sometimes it's a bit much. The days do feel longer in the winter months; we're keeping busy but there still seem to be more pockets of time to fill. All good though. Have started planning/making lists for Christmas food, will start making stuff ahead now and got some nice ideas for home made decorations from the internet so I'm going to keep my evenings busy with that. Whole weekend ahead with nothing planned or organised which is unusual for us (although nice as well!). Cold weather due next week, minus 4 forecast so nice and brisk! Lol
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You seem pretty crafty, Tupp. Have you thought about learning knitting or crochet? Maybe needlepoint or cross-stitch? It's a traditional way to use time - quietly - during the winter months and to create some Christmas presents, as well. (Advice: don't start out with a whole sweater! LOL. Try something simpler instead; that won't take so long to complete and as you build on "successes"... then try something more complex.)
BTW - there are lots of resources in Scotland for this kind of hobby which introduces you to new people who tend toward the introvert side of being, until they're talking about their projects.
One year, I made 14 flannel shirts for Christmas gifts. (many years ago!)
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Well done, Tupp. You noticed your friend's urgency leading to your firefighter part reacting.
Turns out, you have the choice to stop, choose a response and change that default, YES!
That's the stuff!
Lighter
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YEA!!!!!!
So very close to: Gosh, what do you think you're going to do?
So tickled to read this, Tupp. Letting your friend find her inner adult. I hear you also braving yourself for some loneliness given winter bearing down. I love Lighter's idea of handwork. In my town, there are happy groups of knitters or whateverers who have stitch-and-bitch or knitting/crocheting/whatevering circles. They just enjoy the human comfort of sitting together, teaching/helping, a little yak (less likely to be intense issues, more just companionable chat). Friendships can gradually grow.
Sounds like a safe and peaceful way to find some companionship. Wonder if there's anything like that where you live.
hugs
Hops
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I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on. It's that thing of never being enough.
Me too, Tupp. Oh, me too.
hugs
Hops
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Thank you, lovely ones :) Lol, I think craft wise I'm making photo albums and scrapbooks my winter project. I've boxes of photos and bits and pieces that I never get round to sorting out and putting into albums so I'm going to work on that, more family history stuff (fascinating that you can find everything online; there's a photo online of the house my dad was born in and, if I've got all the dates right, the pub at the end of the road that would have been where my grandad went to wet the baby's head!) and I'm quite of a mind to do more natural craft stuff from twigs, leaves, berries and moss - fairy gardens and Christmas wreaths, that sort of thing. I'm not great with knitting or crochet, I don't seem to be able to get the hang of it, but I find hand sewing relaxing so that's another good one (although I need a light the size of a football pitch because I can't see lol).
I can't quite explain this but it makes sense to me so I'll give it a go; I'm finding lots of memories of myself at various stages in childhood and they are all sad, lonely children that no-one cares about. I feel like I'm carrying all of them and I feel like it's those parts of myself that respond so strongly to people being nice to me and then me being desperate to please those people, whilst also ultimately being rejected by them when the time comes that I say no and they leave. I'm doing cord cutting meditations; I've kind of made my own up now but basically gathering together one or more of these sad little ones, explaining that I love and care for them, but that I can't carry them anymore and I need help. I pass them on to an angel, who takes them all away to this lovely sort of children's field run by angels, where all the children get the love and attention they need and deserve. I know it sounds a bit bonkers but it seems to be helping. It's making me feel quite tired, and quite sad at times, but at the same time it also feels like I'm moving toward being able to respond to what's going on in my life as an adult, instead of as an abandoned and neglected child. I nearly called a friend today (one who usually moans a lot) because the silence was getting to me a bit but then I thought, who wants this contact? And it's not middle aged Tupp who's sick of people moaning and has plenty to be getting on with and who actually quite likes the peace and quiet, it's little five year old Tupp who doesn't get hugs or kisses, or have anyone to read her a story at night and tuck her into bed. The little one is desperate for attention and affection, the middle aged one would rather get the housework done and then read. The meditations are helping, they seem to be shifting things out of the way and leaving more of what's useful now in its place. All sounds a bit mad, I know, but it seems to be helping so I'm going with it for now x
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I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on. It's that thing of never being enough.
Me too, Tupp. Oh, me too.
hugs
Hops
It's silly and tiring, isn't it? I'm trying to catch myself; my normal thought is "I should have washed these dishes earlier" but I'm trying to switch to "I'm washing the dishes now" and it meaning nothing, because it doesn't and no-one gives a tiny crap when the dishes get washed, me included! Lol
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And that's the secret, that "now." Being in the present means "I am doing XX now" and letting opinions about it evaporate. It's the DOING, not the thinking about.
I'm preaching to myself. As ever. But the secret of three little letters just caught me: n o w.
Sounds lovely and I'd like to practice it more too. Structured meditation doesn't work for me, but "now" could. (Plus, it'd help me tidy up.)
hugs
Hops
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Tupp:
I like the NOW vibe in place of SHOULD and NEED TO vibes.
About handing off Little Tupps to Angels...
mindfully noticing the little ones, holding them with compassion, asking them to understand and be cared for by Angels seems very positive and loving.
I'm curious what they might say to the Angels.
Lighter
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The now bit is difficult; we're all used to that hypervigilence and trying to side step the next potential show down and get in front of the next thing that might cause a problem. It's very deeply ingrained and hard to ignore. I find it hard to focus on just one thing, when so much else comes up constantly. It's hard to ignore everything else that needs doing.
I'm finding some of the letting go hard. I know there are people I won't see again now, because I'm not going to make the effort and I know they won't either. I know some will be unpleasant about me to other people because of it. I know I'm not going to have any kind of resolution with my mum before she passes. I've known that for a long time but it still feels difficult to accept. I know the future for myself and my son is bleak if I don't find a way to make a decent living and find a community/family to look after him when I die. That is a huge weight upon me and I find it hard to focus on washing dishes when there's a mountain that size to climb. I spoke to someone yesterday who has frequent financial calamities, because she doesn't plan and overspends, and usually I give her all sorts of suggestions for managing money better, none of which she takes any notice of. Yesterday I didn't, I just said oh, it's difficult isn't it, and started talking about something else. And whilst I was pleased I did it, I also feel a sense of not knowing who's going to replace Little Miss Fix It Tupp, because I don't feel I've got anything else to offer and I find that difficult sometimes.
But at the same time I feel like it's now or never. I either carry on doing what I've always done and I end my days alone, unfulfilled and empty. Or I really try, try to weather how unpleasant it all feels and do it despite the worry of 'what if there's nothing else there' and maybe at the end at least I'll know I tried, even if nothing ever comes of it.
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What comes of mastering one's own "have to's"?
For me, there's a sense of accomplishment and PEACE in a tidy and clean house. Add a good meal to the list, and I feel certain I'm "good enough" as a human being to hold forth opinion-wise on most any other topic. Full wood racks, is B's way of getting there; pulling the weeds from winter garden too. (He's getting ready to till it again before it freezes.) Everything ELSE besides those "taking care of one's self the best way I know how" is all gravy; it's extra icing on the cake.
I certainly wish I'd figured this out sooner in life. I chased the "big dreams" (at the expense of more important lifttle things) for far too long... and the "prize" for those big things was a false promise. Empty. Those things were like ego-bait; kept me on the treadmill too long. No wonder my stress levels and anxiety were off the chart then!
There's a huge change in my perspective on life since Mike died. Being on my own. Finally being able to forge my own path - sometimes willy-nilly, sometimes outlined in mass detail. Having more head-space (not so many people taking up room in it) allows me to naturally gravitate to tapping into the creative side of me, too. I feel I know the space I occupy on the planet way better; my "purpose" is well integrated with how I spend my time; and I'm able to manage the various accidents/things that pop up or don't go well, a lot better. I know where the boundary is between me and the rest of world without having to puzzle it out or try to make clearer, less fuzzy. And that all feels real good and doesn't take any energy.
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What comes of mastering one's own "have to's"?
For me, there's a sense of accomplishment and PEACE in a tidy and clean house. Add a good meal to the list, and I feel certain I'm "good enough" as a human being to hold forth opinion-wise on most any other topic. Full wood racks, is B's way of getting there; pulling the weeds from winter garden too. (He's getting ready to till it again before it freezes.) Everything ELSE besides those "taking care of one's self the best way I know how" is all gravy; it's extra icing on the cake.
I certainly wish I'd figured this out sooner in life. I chased the "big dreams" (at the expense of more important lifttle things) for far too long... and the "prize" for those big things was a false promise. Empty. Those things were like ego-bait; kept me on the treadmill too long. No wonder my stress levels and anxiety were off the chart then!
There's a huge change in my perspective on life since Mike died. Being on my own. Finally being able to forge my own path - sometimes willy-nilly, sometimes outlined in mass detail. Having more head-space (not so many people taking up room in it) allows me to naturally gravitate to tapping into the creative side of me, too. I feel I know the space I occupy on the planet way better; my "purpose" is well integrated with how I spend my time; and I'm able to manage the various accidents/things that pop up or don't go well, a lot better. I know where the boundary is between me and the rest of world without having to puzzle it out or try to make clearer, less fuzzy. And that all feels real good and doesn't take any energy.
Yes to all of that, Skep, especially the head space. That's more important than actual time, I find. I might have an hour when son is doing something else but if my head is full of a dozen things I don't use that hour in the way that might be best for me. Clearing head space is a definite bonus and yes, that does mean reducing the number of people in various states of crisis. The funny thing I've noticed over the last couple of days is that I've had three people I've not spoken to for a while get in touch out of the blue - for nice conversations, not that they're necessarily problem free in their lives but they deal with them, rather than dumping and repeating. It's been nice and unexpected.
Definite yes to a clean house and a good meal. My current struggle is the age old one of not enough hours in the day. There's just too much for me to do by myself, so major jobs around the house will mean day to day stuff not getting done, catching up on day to day stuff will mean not doing much with son, having a full day with son will mean no down time for me, and so on. So currently trying to find ways to simplify and reduce basic tasks, alter routines with son to make things a bit more manageable, try and fit in my daily essentials before he gets up in the morning and that sort of thing. Just trying to find a way to make it all work so that there is a sense of having 'done', instead of always feeling 'that will have to do for now' and knowing the list is just as long tomorrow.
I find it harder to disconnect from people who haven't done anything wrong. If someone is selfish or abusive someway cutting ties makes absolute sense but when it's more that they're not bringing much to your life it feels different, especially when they have genuine problems. But - my energy reserves are empty, I can only carry myself and son now and everyone else has to get their own life jacket on. Kind of goes against my nature but it needs to be done.
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It might be time simplify and let some thing "go" in the everyday to-do list.
This morning I don't have time to washup last night's dishes. So be it; they'll wait till we get home. I find we regularly eat 30 or less different meals - and I've discovered some shortcut casseroles, for days neither of us have much energy. Eventually, I'm making a list and a rotation schedule, I swear it! It also reduces the amount of pantry items to store. I will plan ahead/buy extra ingredients for "special meals" that I only make occasionally because they take so much time to prepare.
B just naturally makes a mess in my space, because of all his tools & gadgets; we still haven't been able to organize actual useful space yet. I live with it - up to a point when my OCD takes over - and it's usually bearable.
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It might be time simplify and let some thing "go" in the everyday to-do list.
This morning I don't have time to washup last night's dishes. So be it; they'll wait till we get home. I find we regularly eat 30 or less different meals - and I've discovered some shortcut casseroles, for days neither of us have much energy. Eventually, I'm making a list and a rotation schedule, I swear it! It also reduces the amount of pantry items to store. I will plan ahead/buy extra ingredients for "special meals" that I only make occasionally because they take so much time to prepare.
B just naturally makes a mess in my space, because of all his tools & gadgets; we still haven't been able to organize actual useful space yet. I live with it - up to a point when my OCD takes over - and it's usually bearable.
Yes, it's finding the rhythm and then sticking to it that takes a while, I find. But we're alright, muddling through, little over three weeks until the shortest day and then we're heading back to more daylight, thank goodness! i find it very hard to get moving and do anything useful in the mornings when it doesn't get light until 8am. But we're getting there.
we had a mini breakthrough with friend (who I've been avoiding a bit) as she did a complete turn on her demanding family. Husband was given a list of changes to make or else pack a bag, adult children were given notice to make new arrangements for childcare (that didn't involve her), demanding (adult) siblings were told to sort themselves out and stop phoning asking for favours. I was delighted but it lasted about three days and then she went back to it all again. So I'm continuing to keep my distance.
Christmas prep is almost done! Just a few small things to get for pressies for son's friends and group leaders, he's written all his own cards, mine are done and ready to be posted. Parcels are all done up and ready to send, Christmas food has been ordered so once the last few bits and pieces are out of the way this week we will hopefully have a relaxed and enjoyable December instead of rushing about madly in the dark :) Had heavy snow last week but much milder again now, have stocked up on tins just in case. Still trying to eat healthier, meditate, do yoga etc and it does seem to be helping. Sleep is still a problem but I've had tests done and am waiting on results - hopefully something helpful will come up there. And son's neurology appointment has finally come through, after an eighteen month wait, so hopefully that will sort a few things out. Feeling unusually organised and on top of things for the time of year. Have probably forgotten something very important lol
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That's a wonderful update, Tupp! I nodded through much of your post....yes.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter. I've been trying to find and focus on some sort of business son and I can run from home, something that involves him, is flexible enough to fit around our different needs during the day and that brings in a bit of money (truthfully the most important bit!). I've been reading books about money in general, practical stuff about making it and increasing it, as well as the more fundamental stuff about our beliefs regarding it and how they shape us.
Different things have come up for me doing it. I do have a negative view of money. I see the pursuit of it as exploitative and am aware that, unless you produce everything yourself from scratch, something or someone along the line wasn't treated well. I know that's problematic for me, it stems, of course, from watching my mum berate, humiliate and ultimately divorce my father after he lost his money, she horded large amounts of wealth in the form of jewellery and antiques whilst pleading poverty and sending us to school in second hand uniforms and cheap and nasty school shoes, there was never enough money for school trips but she always had enough for booze, and then when stepfather moved in he got to do whatever he wanted, including assaulting her own kids, as long as the cash rolled in. So my anti-money stance is understandable, I think, but it isn't helpful.
So I've been trying to work through that and for me, it's doing things like yoga and meditating that help, I just don't find affirmations or 'change your mindset' useful for me. Various things have come up, unpleasant memories, head shaking at my own stupidity at times, very intense loneliness. I've picked and plodded through, sometimes it's very frustrating, other times it feels fairly easy. Yesterday I realised how much I've focused on changing and improving myself, in the hope that 'the life I want' will happen and everything will change (you are faulty, Tupp, fix yourself and everything else will get better). The need to do that lifted and I realised I should put my energy into making money and setting us up for the future, and forget the self improvement (I've never had a moment in my life of feeling like I shouldn't be doing better in myself). Late last night I found myself sobbing in bed; no-one has ever loved me. Truly, my whole life, I've not had a person in my life who just loved me and accepted me. I've always had to work so hard to get scraps from toxic people and I've never been able to bring anything about that involved emotionally healthy people and solid relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've got friends, lots of people have been very kind and very nice to me over the years, but I look at the way I feel about my son, the life I've strived to create for and with him, and the fact that he's solid enough in his feelings to be a little git at times and not worry about it, and I've never had anyone feel like that about me. It was hugely painful, I couldn't stop crying and I did do that thing of more or less crying myself to sleep. But I woke up this morning less foggy headed than usual, my jaw doesn't feel like someone's stamped on it (it's usually very painful in the mornings) and that feeling like I need to do something extraordinary in the hope that someone will find me tolerable just doesn't seem to be there. I've got my money book and notepad to hand ready for my morning reading session, I've done my list of things to do before we head out for the day and the meal for this evening is ready and just needs to go in the oven when we get home. Tea has been drunk, incense burned, water is poured ready to drink and I just don't feel like I've got that 'thing' looking over my shoulder all the time. I don't know if it will last! Sometimes these feeling are fleeting. But I hope it does, it certainly feels easier than my normal state. We'll see. It's cold lol.
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Cold here too Tupp!
It sounds like you're adjusting things so your path/efforts are better directed to taking care of you both. I can relate to the need to over-achieve just to get crumbs of approval! And it's a good sign, that you finally feel safe enough to wallow in the grief of what you feel. It WILL slack off and go away... leaving you less tense trying to keep it all pushed down.
I wish it would snow here.
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Aww, Tupp. I love you.
And to "see" you having a stretch, brief or not, when the THING isn't bearing down on you is another thing I feel grateful for. Yesyesyes to more time like this. You are so much more than "acceptable." You're EMBRACEABLE, and people who get it are around us...we are just too scared to go look for them.
Given that we invented the holiday to celebrate escaping the Brits, and you're escaping your own oppressive beliefs, I think you should just join us every year, for Thanksgiving however you define it.
The recipes are easy: tofurkey, cornbread, canned cranberrry sauce (hmmm, dunno if you'll find it at your local shop), green beans and especially PIE. I know there must be Scottish pies that'd fill the bill? Errrr, maybe not. Ours are focused on too much sweet, so what's a savory one, is it safe to ask?
You were sounding like you're actually able to experience some self respect, self pleasure, just being...yourself...and enjoying it. That was thrilling to hear.
As to the devastating loneliness. Hon. I get that. I know the only cure is to risk people. Never total trust since that won't sit but...just little moments of recognition. You might be safer from future trauma than you know. And Son sure is too, because you have done an absolutely astonishing, I mean remarkable and UNUSUAL job of raising him into a young man with self-esteem that's equal to his challenges.
I would so love to meet him, as I know I'd like him. And that's so down to you.
hugs
Hops
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How're you feeling, Tupp? I hope you're positive changes are permanent.
I believe they can be. I hope you do too.
Lighter
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Thanks, everyone :) It's funny, it feels like something has simply left. That endless feeling of not being right or not being enough, it's often not even words in my head, just a feeling, like a sixth sense when you can't quite put your finger on it? And it just isn't there. I got up this morning having not done any tidying up last night; usually it feels really wrong and I spend the first hour of the day berating myself for not having done x, y and z before I went to bed and I just didn't. But I didn't even think about it, or react to it, it wasn't a case of having to make myself do it differently or think differently, it's just - different.
We had a hospital appointment yesterday. Usually, I have these multiple channels in my head dealing with bad memories from the past, preparing for all possible problems and accusations, trying not to think about any of it because I know it isn't helpful, fast forwarding to 'if they come for him again this is how we'll escape', backtracking to 'of course they're not going to come for him, stop being silly' and it's just such an exhausting mess, however much I try to manage and control it. And yesterday it just wasn't there. We just drove to the hospital, parked up, saw the doctor (who was lovely and very helpful) and then we went to do the other things we were doing that day. We just did it without all the internal accoutrements and it was lovely, just normal and no fixing needed inside my head.
I did, of course, spoil my own good mood by commenting light heartedly on a post someone made on social media and then getting a whole day of texts explaining their current drama but that's just practising new habits - don't engage! Read a book! Lol.
So, I don't know. It just feels different. The need to have a framework to work to because that's somehow what will save me isn't there. A to do list, yes, so I don't forget things but I've always had this feeling of if I do x, y and z, I'll be safe, and it's never left me. Until now, it seems. Hoping it's here to stay. It's so much easier. Also not cold now, the weather is really weird at the minute.
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Practising new skills :) Needed to call someone, didn't want to get stuck listening to endless drama for an hour so made a list in my head of questions to ask as soon as they answered the phone - how was the kids' school play, has the cat recovered from his surgery yet, did you get that thing on your car fixed, did your mum get a date for her operation yet? Avoided talking about the ongoing saga of the ridiculous husband (who she won't leave), the boring job (that she won't leave) and the annoying neighbours (who she winds up to get her own back when they annoy her). Fifteen minutes and I said I had to go as I had cooking to do this afternoon (which is true, but normally I listen endlessly, then feel too tired to do what I wanted to, and then I resent that I listened). Call returned, basic info covered and my ears are still intact :) Must practise this more.
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Good on'ya, Tupp! That's the stuff!
How's feeling?
Lighter
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Truthfully, Lighter, I didn't even think about it afterwards (or notice anything). It's like it's never happened. Weird. Usually I'd be anxious about something like that.
What has happened this morning was noticing a disassociation during yoga. I tried to focus my breath/energy/thoughts on my groin area. Had a horrible abuse related flash back. Then went in my head to 'this is the only way anyone can like/love/want/tolerate me'. Then jumped from that into helping others - in my mind I was explaining how to do the yoga pose to someone, going through people I know who might benefit from doing yoga, wondering if I could volunteer with a Rape Crisis charity or something. All ridiculous, but I was able to see it with one eye open - connect with past trauma (physically), go to the head space of why I must do it (must go along with the family or be cast out) and then into focusing on others rather than myself. It was interesting to see it and be more aware of it. Then the yoga routine was over; I'd done the rest of it without being aware of it at all. The washing machine had finished spinning; that's really loud but I hadn't heard it. My tea had done cold in the cup. But I was in the same position as the lady doing the yoga video, so I'd presumably carried on doing the routine whilst being unaware of it. Feel better for having typed it out now. So I think this is my next focus; trying to connect and stay with it long enough to do something useful with it. Bleurgh. It's the one thing I really don't want to do and the one thing I know I really need to. I don't want to remember more than I already do. I don't want to feel it more than I do now. But I think there's more in there. Son's out for the day so at least if I do have a meltdown he won't be here to see it. How are things with you? Is your vertigo getting more manageable? xx
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Grrrr I hate feeling like this, it's like being hit by a truck and swimming through treacle at the same time. This is why I find it so hard to really move forward. Feeling like this makes me want to go to bed and sleep, or curl up on the sofa and watch TV. Sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes even longer. But what happens then is the house descends into chaos, my new habits of eating healthy food and doing yoga stop, I don't look after myself and everything gets a mess. Then I spend days/weeks/months getting back on track again and catching up with everything I didn't do, and then once I get to a more balanced place again, another little 'revelation' comes along and the cycle starts back up again. grrr grrr and grrr. So I'm not relenting to it, I've dropped my son off for his day out, I'm making short lists of five tasks at a time and sticking to it regardless. Even if I feel worse as the day goes on at least some of the necessary stuff will be done and I don't know, maybe the time's come that I need to show myself I can deal with it and still keep going.
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Aww, ((Tupp.)) You do so much, without support. Things are gonna get messy when you put down a ball to pick another up and that's ok. You'll get back to the house and whatever else, bc you always have and will.
Whatever energy you give to worrying can be gifted to the parts asking for attention, IME. It's scary, but tending to the wounded and protective parts creates helpful change and more serenity, IME.
Remember.....if you drop judgement, shift into observation and look for what's really there ... tend to it.....ask what it has to say....what does it need....where in your body you feel it.....put a number on it....breath into..... that's a way through and out of the pain.
It won't hold you down forever, scare and hurt you. It just wants to be noticed and tended to. It belongs and deserves to be released.....to rest.
This is the big work, Tupp. You're doing it.
My vertigo is mostly better....often not showing up at all. I admit, I'm making more ruthless decisions....read that as self protective, bc vertigo seems tied to self care and emotional regulation.
Breathe and lean in to what's there, Tupp. It's going to be ok and we're here for you.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter. I'm glad the vertigo is a bit better. Things have kind of been okay. Yesterday was hard going, I kind of plodded through feeling worse and worse. Collected son early evening, sorted him out and then went to bed. Didn't sleep brilliantly, kept dreaming about dogs! But did the yoga again this morning, focused on the groin area - and it was alright. Didn't zone out, didn't feel anything unpleasant come up, did find it very difficult physically but I'm more interested in the emotional side of it rather than being able to do the poses perfectly or hold them for hours. I've got a cold coming now and am very tired so I am going to have a quiet, comfortable day today. Son had a busy day yesterday so he's happy to not do much and other than our veg box being delivered, nothing else is organised. So I'm back in bed, with my book, the cat has wedged himself under a radiator and is making no sign of coming out and I did cook up enough stuff yesterday that I can just reheat food today instead of cooking from scratch so we can eat well with minimum effort. That feels nice. I'm happy to make a constructive decision to take a day off, I just hate it when everything collapses and I stop functioning. That drives me nuts. So if I can get to a point where downtime is a choice, rather than something forced upon me, that will be good x
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((((((((Tupp))))))). I hope the cold turns around and leaves.
I've found if I hammer the earliest cold symptoms with regular doses of echinacea and black elderberry syrup, mine will. Quick dosing seems most important.
I love that you're giving yourself the gift of doing what you need (likewise not doing things) today.
I wonder if you dreamed about Pup, who's going off on his training expedition today. It rattles me quite deeply, which should be embarrassing to admit but I'm too far gone. Please send him encouraging vibes. Send me some too!
I really like what you're doing and thinking, Tupp. Your clarity. Bravery. Constancy.
Instead of self-punishment all day long. Untangling Every Human Being You Encounter Anywhere from your parents. So liberating to leave them in the past. You did not put them where they wound up. You could not. They put themselves there, and their own gene mix and personal histories and choices and beliefs did, as complicated as spiderwebs but as logical. So they lost out on celebrating and enjoying a unique, talented, loving, bold and resilient daughter. Because she escaped and is not going back.
You really can't break a child's heart over and over and not pay the price. Now that we're custodians of our own hearts, we learn not to break our own hearts. There are thoughts that heal and thoughts that undermine and you are so clearly practicing healing and sanity. Wowsers.
hugs
Hops
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Thanks, Hopsie. I have to say that at the moment, things are the worst they've been for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I felt this wretched. I don't know what I unleashed during that yoga session, but it's not good. I've contacted the local Rape Crisis centre. I probably won't be able to see anybody until after Christmas now, it takes longer than that to sort these things out, but I'm on their list which is good. I'm just trying to keep to my routine a bit, get through the day and not fall too deep into the pit. Luckily son has a lot of Christmas stuff organised so he's got things going on which only involve me dropping him off and picking him up. And fortunately Christmas is pretty much prepared so I can be a helpless mess now and he'll still get his presents and Christmas dinner, so it's alright. Sorry for being mopey. I know I need to work through all this stuff but it really scares me. I worry I'll fall into a pit I won't get out of again. I don't want my son to be affected by it. I've fallen apart before but he was too little to notice. He's very perceptive now, I don't want him dragged into it. I don't want him knowing even more ghastly family secrets. Equally I feel like I'm lying to him and that doesn't feel good either. Fortunately he's got Christmas to be distracted by. Why can't it be easy? I wish there was some magic pill you could take that just fixed everything, you just went to bed for two days, got up, and everything was fine.
In other news, I hope pup's training is going well. He'll be bossing you about now and making you get off the couch :) Lol x
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Once I regained my memory of my rape, I spent a long series of months with rape support groups online. It helped a lot. My shame about it evaporated when I realized it was (sadly) so common an experience one could easily see the behavioral patterns used to cope with it.
Then, I started putting 2+2 together on the circumstances around that (which was even more painful!) and simply journalled out my nuclear blast anger over it. After a few journals wore out, it got so it was no more emotional for me to talk about it; think about it; than it was having the Hong Kong flu or chickenpox.
And that's not a tragedy. It WAS absolutely pivotal in making me who I am now. And that was just a starting point for more growth. But it was important to wear out the sensational horror of the emotional side of the experience. So it couldn't take me by surprise in some innocent setting and then I'd endure an unexpected "reliving the emotions again" time.
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Oh dear, ((Tupp.)). I wish we could sleep trauma off....or vanquish it with an Amazon bonfire.
You're in the abyss now. It's scary and no one knows what's beyond the point they've never traveled beyond. That stuck place, where trauma bounces around, has always been there....distanced....never far. It doesn't know you can move through and beyond it ....relieve it .
The cow and buffalo analogy pops up for me. Cows run from storms and the storm moves with them, over them, they're in the storm longer than if they stood still.
Buffalo run into the storm and the strategy moves them through and out the other side with economy if motion. I'm paraphrasing here.
Your wounded and protective parts fly into action when old trauma/danger pops up, as they have since you were a baby, likely ...and that's ok. Their intentions are always positive. They're trying to help, but they don't know you're an adult, able to care for yourself and them ...so they can stand down and rest.
I notice things get calmer when I face them....just notice and acknowledge them without expectation....do my best to drop judgement and just be present. The parts want to help....not terrorize you, IME. You can ask them to calm down.....tell them you can work with them now.
In the meantime....
I hope you can practice finding your center ...the light that is you.....
the blue sky......
everything else is storm and cloud and wind, not you. Never you.
Whatever works....EMDR, breathing, touching trees, pushing on door jams with everything you've got while focusing on breathing......
you can find a way to calm survival brain and bring problem solving/logical frontal cortex back online. You're integrated whole brain can process this.....if it just has the chance. If you can engage your Parasympathetic Nervous System, IME.
Your protective parts don't believe that can happen, bc it hasn't around this trauma....
yet.
Not gonna lie.....I have to push on door jams when deep in survival brain activation, bc survival mode actually believes I'm back in that danger, physically, and survival brain wants to, neeeeeeeeds to ACT. It's an imperative and it's good to understand intentions are to protect, however misguided.
And it feels like dying......to be back in that kind of danger, ime.
It's the past, stuck in your limbic system, bouncing and howling, unaware you're safe now. And you are safe.
In your bed or car or the garden.... you're safe to notice shapes and colors and smells and your peripheral vision.....to notice the space above and beside and beneath you.
Perhaps, find, name and breathe into the pain in your body....tend to it....breathe space around it, when calm enough. Or not and that's ok too.
No shoulds or have to's.
Just openness to curiosity and possibilities.
This too shall pass, darling one and you don't have to be perfect for your ds. Being sad or upset is part of life. Your son learns it's ok to not be ok all the time, and it passes. He learns by watching you come through it, IME.
You are the sky. The sky is always there, aware storms are temporary and not part of the sky at all.
::nodding::.
Lighter
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I'm so glad you've reached out for trained, experienced help with this, Tupp.
I hope you're at the top of their list soon, and will tell them exactly everything you just told us. Fear of a breakdown, worry for Son, not going backward, etc etc.
I'm hoping this fear will float off of you soon, and you'll be longer and longer in the state of mind you were in two days ago.
You are still moving FORWARD, and it's just noisy and rusty like a train that was stalled for a time. So the cars jump and jerk. But the motion toward health is still there within you, and you're giving it a better chance.
This is smoke from an old fire and it WILL move through. Breathe, try to distract yourself from doom-thinking, and try also to feel some faith in life itself. I believe you want to be well more than not, and that you already are manifesting that in so many ways.
Don't forget how far you've come. This is just a juncture, and with holidays (which set off bomblets in most people with past traumas)...things can be murky for a bit.
Just don't let that MEAN anything big and dark. It's just symptoms of healing. The ache and the itch and the flashes of fear. Keep on breathing. You're okay, ((((Tupp))). Again, I hope you'll connect with others who've been there, somehow. Not just online or through old friendships, but new and now and not alone. Perhaps there's a group for rape or child sexual abuse survivors. That could be golden.
hugs and hopes,
Hops
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Thanks, everybody. It's been a big help to log on and see all your lovely and helpful messages, thank you.
I do feel like I'm swimming through treacle with concrete boots on but it's alright. Rape Crisis have been very helpful, got back in touch with me very quickly, have sent an information pack and we've a phone appointment next week to go through the initial information and set up the first appointment. So that's good, I remember contacting a rape/sexual abuse charity another time and it was nearly a year before they got back to me, with then another year waiting to be seen. So this is moving a lot quicker.
Hops, I did take your advice about the echinacea and elderberry and got some yesterday. Unfortunately it's already past the heading it off stage, but hopefully it will see it off quicker and I'm stocked up for next time so that's good.
I didn't want to spend the day moping around the house yesterday so we went to the beach. We had a nice breakfast at a cafe we like there (Scottish Square Sausages are the best thing ever), there's a retro gaming arcade that my son spent a bit of time in and then we went for a walk that can only be described as 'bracing'. It took up a big chunk of the day so it was good. I felt terrible last night, cold was really hitting hard so I went to bed early. It does feel like it's eased off today, still full of it but not as bad as yesterday. Hopefully the echinacea and elderberry is doing its thing.
Son is out today and has a group tomorrow, then two cinema trips over the weekend so that is all good, it means he's out doing things and I can collapse in a heap. I'm just focusing on food and bare essentials that either one of us needs. That will do for now.
Thank you for the support, it really means a lot. I won't write any more now as head is very fuzzy but I'll check back in tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing okay xx
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Poor dear! Drink a hot lemon & honey tea - and if you don't have to be somewhere maybe a dram or two to help you sleep. When I come down with something, I can always tell because everything emotional gets magnified - like the car mirror that says "objects appear larger & closer"... which right now, I can't for the life of me understand the utility of such a thing.
Wind is howling here this morning; 50-60 mph and very cold. Generator has kicked on several times as the power has blipped off due to tree branches moving, etc. Fire sirens down the mountain early, about 6 am. Probably a chimney fire somewhere or an accident - the roads are a little slick. I don't have to go out until this afternoon, with Lucy & Pickles for their first vet visit & shots.
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Thanks, Skep! Hope your weather has improved a bit, it's been pretty grim here, too.
Cold is easing off. Son has caught it but I've dosed him up with everything so hopefully we can head it off before it settles in. I'm incredibly tired and he's not great either, so I've cancelled everything we had planned this weekend. We're both tucked up in our respective beds, the heating's on, we've got books, films and plenty of food and drink so hopefully by next week we'll both be feeling better again x
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Yup, after the weekend you'll both be feeling better! Sometimes a cold can be a great excuse for a total "time out". Sounds like you're putting it to good use.
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Rest, take on fluids, mitigate symptoms with what works best (and does the least damage,) depending on what's going on for you .
Acetaminophen processes through the liver.
Ibuprofen processes through the kidneys.
I went back to my acupuncture guy and he picked up on Blood Pressure...said liver's fine ....kidneys are sucking wind. Usually, I mix ibuprofen and acetaminophen so I'm not sure axing one organ.
I wish I could feed you guys, Tupp. Just spent the morning making bolognais, sweet potatoes and pet food. Going to reorganize laundry room (pulled apart for washer repair, made last night) and that rolls into a closet, the kitchen and pantry.
I wish you and I could help each other! I could sure use your organization skills, dear one.
You're doing exactly what you need to do. Breathe, know this will pass and we're sending healing pink light to you.
Lighter
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Thanks, both. It definitely feels like it's on its way out, son doesn't look too bad either and I'm going to order a takeaway tonight. Complete rest and reset, I've just lounged in the bath reading a book for the best part of an hour and now I'm back in my pyjamas.
I watched a YouTube video earlier about being the 'Hero Child' (Tim Fletcher) and he described me (probably all of us on here!) to a T - always fixing, staying on step ahead of everything, organising, planning, always being relied upon, calm in a crisis and so on. Was absolutely what it was like for me growing up. And then he talks about how it burns you out as an adult, because you end up surrounded by people who do nothing for themselves, you don't make meaningful connections because people never see who you really are, you exhaust yourself doing everything all the time. And I thought, yep, that is exactly me. I feel like the fire to keep going has dropped away, but in a good way. I don't want to carry everyone else's stuff that they won't pick up for themselves. I'm so tired of always being the one who is 'fine'. There's no-one in real life that I would tell I feel the way I do at the moment, or about the flashbacks and contacting Rape Crisis. Maybe one person I can think of. But no-one else would know what to do or say, or be useful. I feel I'd end up supporting them rather than the other way around. That's not right. That really needs to change.
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Hi everyone, just checking in, hasn't been the easiest of times but my son's had a lot of activities on which has been good as it's meant having to get on with things and keep busy.
I have noticed a couple of changes in myself within all of this which I think are good things. Someone made a comment about something yesterday, bit snidey, and I pulled them up on it. Calmly, wasn't a big deal, but usually I wouldn't have said anything. They apologised, hadn't meant it the way it sounded and all was fine but I think it was a good thing, normally I'd have kept quiet and then brooded about it for ages. Air was cleared and it was done and dealt with.
Also (shortly after that) had a message from friend I've mentioned before, detailing all the running around she's doing over Christmas for everybody else - hosting meals, babysitting grandchildren, pet sitting over New Year, I was tired just reading it. But - I had no response to it in myself. Usually I feel angry that people are taking advantage, frustrated that she doesn't say no, I feel a sense of needing to rescue her from the situation and then have to battle with myself not to get involved. But none of that happened yesterday, I just said oh gosh, you'll be busy and then switched the conversation to the weather. What on earth would we all talk about if we didn't have weather? Lol.
Don't know if it's all connected but it felt like a good change so not all bad just now. Doing lots of baking/cooking, Christmas decs look nice, weather has been deranged but seems to have settled down now. Nothing major planned now until the New Year so things should stay fairly settled.
I think my next thing to work on is speaking as soon as I feel uncomfortable. Our usual cat sitter isn't available just now so I had to find a different one as we're going back down South for a few days in January. Picked one that looked good from their website, called to see if they have space and the woman is deranged. Talked about herself for ages, started lecturing me on cat food, flea treatments, has a list of requirements/instructions that I've never encountered in the twenty years I've used cat sitters - and I still booked him in with her. Can see now I kind of froze - potential conflict - keep still and say nothing. Felt uncomfortable all day yesterday, woke up thinking about it today and realised I should have just said I'd changed my mind and ended the call. I think there's recognition of a particular personality type and then a knee jerk reaction to pacify them. Have to teach my nervous system that I'm not seven and I don't have to do anything I don't want to do anymore. Have found an alternative, will call them later and if they can take him I'll cancel the other booking. Just something I want myself to be aware of going forward - feel uncomfortable - physically leave the situation rather than freezing and taking it. Sounds like a good plan.
Hope everyone is well and that you all have a good Christmas/Yule/Holidays/Ignoring the whole thing lol xx
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That was a marvelous update,Tupp. Just very on point and on the moment practicalities for being.....in one's skin.
The way you handled the snide ish remark....my Nervous System stood up and cheered! Pointed, even. Do that! More of THAT! Lol....a joyful leaning in, from team Lighter 🥰
The cat sitter......if you can't find another, consider this woman's "zeal" likely to benefit kitty. Your usual sitter will be back on board, lesson learned. Interesting to notice your reactivity around crazy, isn't it?
Good to reassure young Tupp you have this, she can rest.....survival is no longer on the line. It's ok. You're both safe.
The lack of reactivity around your friend, doing for everyone all the time, is revelation. She'll do what she does, no matter if you're spinning and fuming or seeking joy for yourself. That point's been looming large in my noticing lately.
Spending one's time....
Choices....
Choosing the light.
Lighter
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Great move about the cat sitting, Tupp!
Sounds like you observed your discomfort with her, registered it within yourself without shame, and made a very simple plan to cancel her if the other alternative comes through.
AWESOME. It's as though little Tupp grew up and decided, *comfortably--no nail spitting* that her own wellbeing matters and (I'm pushing here) that all sorts of decisions can be made on that basis without angst!
Woo HOO, and Ho Ho! I'd love to gawk at your decor. I've done absolutey zip and feel just fine with that this year. (Usually I haul out a wreath for the mailbox, but not this year. Not missing a thing.)
hugs
Hops
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Meh! Where did all this manic craziness about Christmas come from anyway? Days to put up lights & decorate; days to put it all away again... weeks baking... then trying to find room in the freezer for what wasn't eaten. We think this was the consumerism push - make Christmas retail sales records - that started to push the message of shame/guilt if one didn't follow the crowd and do the same thing.
Our visit with Mike's D's family was an exercise in "winging it". They showed up while Hol & I were taking a break after cleaning the studio. Hol was still in her robe & PJs! So B got to greet everyone on his own. I hurried up the hill, Hol went back to the hut to change & grab the things she made. 4 teenagers in my little house - rambunctious teens, except for Logan - was a bit much so we migrated down to studio after eating. Knuckles kept the kids busy until he was wore slap out. Still didn't have much of a chance to have adult time... but that's OK. They're all good kids with attitudes - LOL. New guy seems quietly confident and is approachable. And no one wanted to talk about Mike not being around. It'll be 10 years next year. So not bad... about what I expected. More food than any of us could eat. I let Hol grab half the bbq & beans yesterday.
We'll have a cozy casual Christmas Eve, just us. And then B & I are going into our own quiet times.
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Hi everybody, thank you, sorry for not being more responsive, I'm feeling very tired all the time at the minute and not motivated to do much. Hopefully that will change once the Christmas and New Year disruption is behind us.
I have continued to practise being assertive. Inside it messes me up but I need things to be different externally so I'm doing it anyway.
We had a trip down South planned for the New Year. It was an impromptu trip that was suggested by others as for various reasons there are a number of people we know in from overseas, plus a few others from different parts of the UK, none of whom we've seen for a very long time, so a reunion of sorts was being planned. I've been very conscious since Covid of how quickly the end can come for any of us, so I didn't want to miss the chance to see all of these people together in one place.
It was a big stretch for us, both in terms of money and practical planning, as well as many hundreds of miles to drive and so on. But I still felt it was too good an opportunity to pass up, and I'm trying to take a problem solving approach to everything now, so we wangled and juggled and organised and it had all fallen into place.
There have been dozens of messages back and forth over the last couple of months sorting out a date, time and place that everyone could do and once that was finalised, we built our trip around that. I'd planned to arrive the day before, rest up a bit in the hotel beforehand so that we were both able to enjoy 'the day', then I'd planned a quiet recovery day the day after, another day of stuff my son enjoys and then a final day to travel home (kitty got booked in with different sitter so we didn't have to navigate the crazy lady).
I don't know how you lot feel about this, but I don't explain my son's disability requirements to other people in any detail because it's no-one else's business and he isn't the sum of his disabilities. There are certain things we need to do and put in place, but I can do that without any fuss and all I need for it to work is other people to honour the arrangements they made and/or do anything they're supposed to do. I think that's pretty straightforward. I also don't wang on about money being tight or long drives making my arthritis play up, because again, it's my business and all of those things are manageable, hence scheduling in rest time, recovery time and so on.
So we'd arranged what we needed to and were all set. Final messages were just before Christmas Eve, everyone is set, everyone is onboard. To my mind nothing else was needed until the day came to pack and head off.
Boxing Day, messages were sent, very early, two people have decided it is more convenient now for them to do a different date, and the whole thing was turned into chaos. To my mind, the possibility of changing it all shouldn't have been entertained; if they've decided it no longer suits them then they just don't come (there's probably a dozen other people involved). I said that, and pointed out that we were travelling a long way, we'd made arrangements regarding hotel bookings and pet sitters, plus other activities we were planning on doing afterwards, and that we couldn't change those around now so we needed to stick to the original arrangement.
No-one got back to us about it. We were left hanging with no idea what was going on, knowing that if they changed the date we couldn't attend and would be taking an expensive and unnecessary trip for no reason. We've got cancellation cover in place, but you have to do things within a certain period of time otherwise you lose money and we still have the New Year bank holidays to navigate, which delays things and means certain people aren't contactable again for a couple of days as they close for the New Year.
My instinct was to contact everyone, try to save the visit or spend two days ringing around getting everything changed and swapping things about. I resisted but it felt hard - people pleaser not people pleasing isn't a nice place to be. I didn't contact anyone and no-one contacted me and that was hard - decades of rejection memories bubbling to the surface and I have tried to just sit with it and let it be but my word, it doesn't feel nice. And the feeling of invisibility being very strong again - everyone knows how far we're travelling, everyone knows we're not flush with cash, everyone knows my son has disabilities - but none of it seems to register and people feel it's fine to change plans on a whim with no thought for anyone else involved. It's felt very unpleasant and not dealing with the unpleasant feelings has been even more unpleasant! Normally I'd soothe myself by bending over backwards to make everything right and I didn't this time. A case of it feeling wrong even though you know it's right.
Yesterday evening I decided that I'd given everyone more than enough time to get back to me and that I no longer felt inclined to make that long journey and spend money on a trip to see people who had made me feel that I didn't matter. I completely understand things needing to change because of emergencies or unseen events, but this has all been organised for weeks and suddenly, a couple of people changed their minds - and to an extent were indulged? by others who should have said no straight away and didn't.
I don't feel good about it. I feel worthless and like I don't have a right to make demands of others or to assert myself, even though I know, logically, that expecting people to stick to arrangements is perfectly acceptable and putting our own needs first is the right thing to do. I did go ahead and cancel all the arrangements we'd made, so we will get a full refund and we haven't lost anything in that regard.
Late evening I got a message from the organiser and it was still going ahead for the original date planned. I felt, and feel bad, that I'm not going now, but at the same time I felt that leaving us not knowing what was happening for two days wasn't on and that it wasn't reasonable for us to risk losing the money we'd paid for the room if we ended up not being able to go. I was also worried that even if it was sorted out this time, we could get another call with the same thing happening again. It didn't feel like the others going had made it a concrete date in their diaries, but to me it felt really important. That's a flashpoint for me as well, attaching more importance to others than they attach to me. I end up feeling stupid and humiliated.
Anyway. I feel it was the right thing to do, I'm just waiting for my emotions to catch up and reflect that back to me :) Sorry for waffling on, I'm feeling very self indulgent at the minute and I know that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things and that many others have much worse things to cope with. I think it's just an example of how a relatively small day to day thing unleashes so much in me that I'm trying to work through but am constantly feeling swamped by. I do find the lack of routine and structure over the Christmas and New Year period, as does my son, and ironically I didn't organise many things to fill the time because of the trip we had planned. So I might have a look and see if we can organise a day out somewhere or find some other activities to do.
In other news, the person I pulled up on the snidey remark? I think it's actually improved things, we've had a couple of chats since then that have been really good, she's opened up to me a bit, I have to her so I think that bit of 'reality' helped? Which is nice, I guess that's what the 'being authentic' is all about, it's just for me it usually results in the other person never speaking to me again. So it's good that it seems to have been a positive in this situation.
Hope everyone else has been having a good/amazing/tolerable time, depending on circumstances.
PS - Why, after half a century of being on this planet and having tackled many, many things in my life do I still, for some reason, get up on Christmas morning and eat an entire Terry's Chocolate Orange??! And then feel sick afterwards. It's very silly. Lol x
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I hear ya Tupp! Chances are you're feeling bad about the doing the right thing for you and son (under the uncertain circumstances) is because of an old experience of other people making you feel bad for standing up for yourself. An internalized response, in other words. But you know that already. Despite all the unpleasant feelings you've engaged your brilliant brain to choose the right thing for you - despite all the emotional sturm & drang around it. You've even parsed all those feelings well. And you have the right to feel what you feel... until some day, those kinds of things won't invoke that set of feelings anymore.
I also think you were really looking forward to seeing and having fun with all those people, so disappointment is natural. It is par for the course, that with that many people trying to get together and to make important enough to stand by their decision, this kind of backtracking, second guessing, and change of plans happen. It's like herding cats. I'm not fond of that kind of thing either. Hol does better, and has had bonfire or party plans just disappear into thin air because (fill in the blank) with everyone she invited. She just rolls with it. I can't quite do that.
I think the "keeper" from all this experience for you, would be all the stuff connected to that feeling that you don't matter. It might be a master key that will unlock an easier set of feelings for navigating situations in the future.
Glad to hear your "friend" was able to respond positively to your boundary setting! Might be a bright spot; a seed that will germinate into a lovely friendship over time.
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Oh, Tupp ......IME, the people who love deeply and honor others are treasures. Those qualities are good qualities.....less common than the careless sort, IME.
I was relieved to read the original holiday date stood...... neutral about your staying home. Time without activities sounds healing right now.
I'm glad your assertiveness paid off. Glad you're wrapping your head around the discomfort of people pleasing and not people pleasing. There's wisdom and serenity in having that sorted, I hope.
We've been fighting for our lives (fig.) at the cottage......fleas.😭. I'll update that thread and look up Terry's Chocolate Orange! Sounds yummy!
Hang in there. Nap when overfull......digest.
Lighter
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Thanks, both, things are settling now. I had two days of being up in the clouds about it and then it takes two days to get back down to earth. That's the bit I want to work on. I don't want to isolate myself forever and say no to everything in case there's a trigger, but equally I haven't found a way to stop that nervous system response yet so the spiral when it kicks off and then the recovery time is still a problem. But, practise, practise, practise. It is, as you say, Skep, something that triggers so many other things from the past and then punishment for saying no/displeasing someone etc. Such deep seated paths, hopefully each incident makes them a little less deep? Herding cats is exactly the term; I personally think it's really rude to waste people's time over 'big deal' things. Different if you're just popping in for a cuppa and you can do it at any time but for things that other people put time and effort in, it's not in.
Feeling calmer now; still feel tired and a bit out of sorts but slowly working through the 'looking after Tupp' list today and the unpleasantness has ebbed to being a bit annoyed if I think about it, which I'm trying not to do :) Hopefully another old reaction cleared out a bit now.
Lighter, if you don't get Terry's Chocolate Orange over there I will cry for you :) Lol, they're lush, orange shape, orange flavour and orange smell, divided into segments and wrapped in orange paper so you have to bang it on the table to split the segments and then scoff it :) They are my favourite Christmas treat :) x
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We occasionally get chocolate oranges here. I love the dark chocolate ones! Chocolate has distinct mental health benefits (IMO). <grin>
Glad that issue is settling down. Time-wise, it seems about normal to me.
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Oof, i was just groaning for you when all that necessary planning got heedless sticks in the spokes!
What jumped for me was how you asserted your needs anyway, even if just to yourself, and realized stress and uncertainty drained off positive anticipation and not going felt disappointing but wise.
I've noticed in a couple groups I am in that one herd behavior is an unspoken assumption that this event is meant to be happy/fun, so therefore it must accommodate everyone throughout, so nobody takes the lead to set boundaries around expectations. Such as:
"Please save the date, since people have to do quite a lot of planning. Hope all can make it but if something changes and you can't, next time!"
For you, it's triggering, and I sure understand why. So you take note of your reflexive conclusions (I'm invisible, don't matter, nobody cares), realize where they come from (early hurts), return to being your own considerate friend more quickly than you used to, and decide what is best/sanest for you and son without letting those "global" conclusions stick.
Bravo! Disappointment and aggravation happened and you responded with resilience. Next step is to head off rumination (those familiar negative conclusions) when it starts. Your new year belongs to you.
I'm impressed. Been pulling my hair out over a mini situation of getting three people together for a simple local visit. One who can't remember what she emailed before, one with uncertain work timing, and me as "coordinator."
So thank you for sharing this epic because it puts mine into perspective and my new year is mine, too. Wish I could spend it with you and Son! One day, I'll learn to take my own advice.
Big fat squishy hugs,
Hops
I think you've managed it really well in this instance overall, really.
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Skep, dark chocolate orange is the best! Weirdly I only fancy them around Christmas, they used to be a big thing when I was a kid and it's just stuck like that for me. It's not Christmas until the Terry's Chocolate Oranges come out! Lol.
Thanks, Hopsie. It will be you and son for New Year's Eve as I usually go to bed by 10pm lol. I have made an effort to get myself out of the doldrums; we went to visit our local country park in terrible weather this morning and I've managed to get tickets for a pantomime tomorrow. Cinema on New Year's Day, my son got some vouchers for Christmas so we'll go and spend those the day after and then we're almost back to normal routine after that so we've made it! Woo hoo! lol.
I have to confess the difficulty with making social arrangements baffles me, whether it's small numbers like the three you're trying to herd just now or larger numbers, but I just don't get why date - time - place - yes or no - is difficult. Even when my son was younger/very ill and we really couldn't commit to much socially if we were invited somewhere I'd explain what was going on and say, "can I say no for now, and if on the day he's alright, come along anyway?" Sometimes that was fine, other times it wasn't an option (table bookings/seating etc) so in that case I'd offer to do something different like coffee another time or meet for a walk or something. So I really can't get my head around the problems getting together with people can cause.
Anyway. I seem to spend all my time saying 'anyway'. Lol. I feel alright/better about it all, if I'd agreed to go I'd have been anxious the whole time about plans changing again or getting all the way there and finding half of them hadn't turned up. I don't feel anxious about not going so that's better. I'm so used to tying myself in knots to accommodate people it does feel wrong not to. But i will keep on keeping on.
Happy New Year VESB lovelies! x
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I'm thinking it might be more sensible for me to adopt a 'let me get back to you on that' auto response to everything, to give myself some breathing space to look at logistics of things and see if I can fit x, y and z into whatever it is we're doing without it being a major disruption. And then get back to people with a clear, "I can do this on that day at that place and time, will need to be a definite arrangement and I will need to know by x date if it's not going ahead".
It's very against who I am as a person to adopt that sort of call centre dialogue and approach to things, but I think I need to accept that very few other people have the sort of commitment to arrangements that I do and most others don't have to juggle as many things around as we do. Plus it seems a lot think it's alright to go back on what they said, whereas for me that feels very wrong. But I think I'm in the minority. I'm so used to just dealing with situations and getting on with it that making a pause to actually give it some thought is a really novel idea. It doesn't feel comfortable but I think I might need to adopt a new steely persona and be a bit more, "I'll let you know" rather than jumping in to sort things out.
I do find I'm genuinely baffled by other people's inability to perform basic admin and organisational tasks; I honestly don't know how people manage their lives when they change arrangements so quickly and say yes to things without committing to them. But I'll have to accept that's how it is for some, that it doesn't work for me, and put my own line in the sand. Stick to my own routine, figure out what's going to work and what won't and then act accordingly. Decide what is a reasonable amount of effort on my part, what I should expect from the other person (reciprocity) and go from there. I sound like one of those annoying self help people on YouTube. Think it's worth trying, though.
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Just putting stuff down as I think of it :)
When deciding what to do, where to go, when to do it, ask myself, is this for my benefit? Or does this benefit the other person more? I have a problem knowing where the neutral ground is, of course there are some situations where you would put the other person first but I do it too much and too often. Driving long distances is one example. It is no easier for me to drive several hundred miles than it is for the other person to do it, in most cases. Most people I know are capable of travelling many hundreds, if not thousands, of miles for a holiday. So they aren't less capable than me, they're just less willing. I need to get that into my head.
With the recent travel drama, I should have gone through it calmly and logically. I am too much in the 'life is short, just do it' mode which, of course, can be true, but most of the time I'm just going to make myself tired and short of money. So I should have looked at the situation more calmly. Can I easily afford this? No. Is this an easy journey for us to make? No. Will it leave us both exhausted and out of our usual routine? Yes. Are we likely to eat and drink more junk food than usual? Yes. Will I drink coffee to be able to do the long journeys? Yes. Will that aggravate my anxiety and menopause symptoms? Yes. Is it likely to aggravate my arthritis? Yes. Is the planning and organising a lot of extra work? Yes. Is this a good time of year for us to travel? No. And probably the final, most important question - is it guaranteed we're going to have an amazing time? No!! Why on earth did I agree to it in the first place? For heaven's sake. How stupid is that. That's before we even had to factor in dealing with the mad cat lady and the problems with sorting my son's meds out. Tupp, you are a silly lady. This is just daft.
Okay. Going forward I think I need to behave almost like you would if you were going to do a huge financial thing, like a mortgage or a business investment. Feels a bit over the top but I feel like I need to really get myself out of this recurring loop I'm in and only start saying yes to things that are really likely to be good for us, and aren't likely to have any negative effects. I am now Tupp the business lady :) Lol
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((((Tupp)))) sounds like a savvy way of looking at life in the New Year.
Taking care of the business.....
of the purse, business of the mind, the emotions, the spirit, the body, the Nervous System, of the Darling Boy.....
the kitty, garden, where you live.....
where you play.
What is to your benefit.....and sometimes benefit to others feels beneficial to people pleasers, yup yup yup.
But building in time to expand your view, see and take measure of your choices is very wise, imo. I hope it becomes your new, comfortable default.
Reading the above feels like throwing open windows on the Scottish Coast.....breathing in pristine air and releasing static patterns on the breeze, yup yup yup.
Happy New Year, my friend🌟
Lighter
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I so get all this. My particular constellation of issues causes me to reluctantly rely on, for most things involving more than one other person:
I'd like to do this, but you this delayed sleep phase thing means no morning plans. For me, mid to late afternoons are usually good. Can we do tea or a brew mid-afternoon sometime?
I have a friend who invites me to writer luncheons but always at noon. Haven't been able to convince her to shift it to 1:00 so i rarely get to join. I have to be fairly ruthless with myself to keep reaching out for social connection these days. A new hope on the horizon is dog dates. Because of the very large fenced yard, I can invite friends with dogs over and the dogs run themselves silly with Pup, hilarious to watch. (Pooch didn't enjoy other dogs but Pup is nuts about them.) Weather dependent, but great when it happens.
Oh well. My version of anyway. If you caught a glimpse of my disorganization
Issues you'd be horrified.
Can't type well on this tablet, laptop has burned out and I'm avoiding the fight with Google and APple, which both are,rejecting my passwords, which makes my brain scream. More later whenI get a grip.
Hugs
His
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Errr, Hops
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Thanks, Lighter and His, errr Hops ;) Lol. Pup dates sound like the best idea ever. Love watching dogs running around enjoying themselves.
Well I am trying to take a more practical and pragmatic approach to all things. I'd like to get to a point where I don't feel that everything that ever happens is a personal attack and avoid the huge chemical dumps that seem to accompany that (currently sat with second very heavy cold in three weeks and I do think it's emotionally triggered). Also trying to be a bit more proactive when feeling down in the dumps or wishing I had certain things/people/circumstances.
So - it's beautiful here at the minute, we've had snow, drove home through it yesterday as the sun was setting, snow topped mountains and huge fir trees sparkling in the sunshine, it was absolutely beautiful. Lovely and sunny this morning and I was putting out bird food and sorting out recycling. The birds get quite close at times and at one point there was a blue tit no more than two feet away from me, perfectly happy and it felt really lovely. I really wished at that point that I had someone/some people to share those sort of moments with.
I'm just going through trying to be objective about it all but what I noticed about that is/are memories of being mocked as a child for 'sensitivities'. So my natural inclination when around something so beautiful is to keep quiet. I realised I just assume no-one I know is interested/would also find it beautiful; there are people on the internet who would but not in my real life. And that, I realised, is because I feel safer being 'vulnerable' online because of the anonymity and distance (plus block/delete functions). So I don't often take that risk with 'real' people because the possibility of being mocked/rejected feels too much.
So, with my new' Tupp the business woman' head on I thought that if I were trying to sell something to someone and they didn't want it, I wouldn't take it as a personal rejection, I'd just try someone else to see if they wanted it. So I took a pic of the beautiful scene and sent it to a friend, saying I wished they were close enough that we could get together today and enjoy the view. Of course you guessed it, they loved the pic and also said they wished that were possible. Then my inability to trust kicks in; I don't believe what they're saying because, of course, so many untruths and betrayals from others in the past. But I've no actual reason to think they don't mean it; if I'd been trying to sell something I wouldn't worry about whether they really wanted to buy it or not, I'd just be glad they bought it. So I've not let my head go into a load of different scenarios; I've 'sold' the picture and the idea it would be nice to get together and that was it.
Someone else got in touch to ask if we'd be visiting this year. Normally I feel pressure to agree, resentment that I agreed, annoyed that it's me that has to visit and so on. Decided to reply and explain the reality of our situation and how hard it makes doing trips away and realised that talking about or explaining my own needs AT ALL makes me feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. I literally froze, couldn't think what to say, couldn't even formulate the sentences. How daft is that. Anyway, tapped it out, no drama, just explained time, money, health etc, would love to meet up at some point but no idea when or where etc and, of course, the reply was completely understanding of all of that, agrees it's very difficult (their situation is not dissimilar to ours) and suggested that we figure out some way of meeting half way if and when it's possible. All easy to do because the majority of people don't behave like my mum and I really need to get that into my head now.
Then was feeling a bit down because not enough people have contacted me over the holiday period to make me feel worthwhile. So I've sat with it and started to unpack it. Feeling I need outside validation to prove my 'worthiness'; feeling very lonely and lacking in human connections but not wanting to acknowledge it to anyone (again, can remember the one time I told my mum I was lonely after breaking up with a partner and struggling to readjust and her laughing at me and this horrible mocking tone of hers, "oh, are you lonely? How pathetic. I was always too busy to be lonely". And so I've just never acknowledged it since. Thought about how I feel rejected if people don't reply or reach out first and then went back to the 'sales' analogy again. If I messaged a hundred people with information about a product I wanted them to buy, i wouldn't take their responses (or lack of) personally. Nor would I expect them to contact me first. I don't know if that makes sense but it's kind of helping me keep my reactions and emotions a bit more level and realistically proportioned. So I've messaged a whole load of people in my phone with new year wishes and I don't know, the emotional baggage that usually goes with that with me just doesn't feel as heavy. I'm not a bad person, I know that, so why would other people think I am? It's only ever been my deranged mother who's had such a problem with me, no-one else ever has. Okay, it's good, it's shifting out of the way a little bit.
Okay. Just getting it all out of my head and written down here, it kind of feels like it's alright? I'm going to eat some more snacks :)
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More practise. Just received an 'official' and immediately went into a spin. Heart pounding, head started whirring, felt sweaty and panicky and interestingly, noticed that I immediately started berating myself for all the things I haven't done today. Don't quite understand the relevance of that, but anyway.
Told myself, whatever it was, my stock response now is "Thanks, I'll get back to you", and then to wait at least two days. Calmed down a bit
Looked at the header and there's no attachment, so it is just an email and not a huge document to wade through. Calmed a little bit more. Did some deep breathing and calmed down a bit more. Opened the email and carried on with deep breathing while reading it. Noticed - panic at not being able to recall the information they're looking at immediately (this is a complaint I put in about the housing situation we left nearly three years ago). Anger at it taking this long for them to deal with it. Fury at knowing they may well not find in my favour and all the work that went in will be for nothing. Resentment that the drug dealer is another abusive man being protected and cosseted by people in authority while we had to pack our lives up and move hundreds of miles to get away from him (echoes of my mum and step-dad, again). Carried on deep breathing, calmed down a bit more.
I have a week to respond. So - I can do a bit each day, re-read the original complaint I sent in, draft a response in which I confirm/clarify the main points and can ask them to confirm they have the evidence that was originally submitted. I have additional evidence here; I can ask them if they need me to send it in.
Whilst I do still feel angry about the whole situation (and these situations in general), I did get us out of there, and that was no mean feat. We've had a big life style change, which has been very positive, and we've had our Scottish experience which has been/is amazing. We had the financial help from people on here which was extraordinarily kind and the (good) ripples from that are still being felt now because it was such a huge help. It may be that they don't find in our favour, the law being what it is and disability often being misunderstood and dismissed the way it is, but I know that if we'd had accurate information about the situation, I wouldn't have moved in there, I know that they didn't risk assess appropriately (I'm just not sure if they're legally bound to; we'll find out now, I guess), I know that I went through all the appropriate lines and methods to deal with the situation and I know they left us high and dry (but again, I don't know if the law is on my side on this one). I know they could have moved us and chose not to; I know they could have installed an inexpensive camera in the public area outside the property and stopped the drug dealing themselves, but they chose not to. Whatever the law is on that, morally any half decent person would have forked out a couple of hundred pounds to put a camera up in the stairwell and he'd have had to have stopped what he was doing anyway.
It might not go in our favour and if that's the case I will be disappointed, but we got away which was the main thing and I did everything in my power, both at the time and after we left, to get as much done about the situation as possible. No-one can do any more than that.
So still feel a bit panicky but not as bad as when I saw it. Slowly dealing with the triggers as they come up.
Just editing as more thoughts pop up so that I don't forget things. Whatever the outcome of the complaint, I have a load of photos, videos and paperwork that can all be destroyed once it's dealt with. That will feel cathartic whatever comes of it.
Also noticing my thoughts/feelings as people reply/don't reply to messages. I realised I do 'assess' the response, do they seem happy to hear from me, do they seem to want to chat or not, do they seem irritated that I contacted them and so on. I hadn't really realised I do that before, for some reason today I noticed it. I do tend to forget that everyone has their own lives, problems, situations going on and that there's really no hidden message to be found in a reply to a text. I think, again, always feeling completely responsible for my mum's emotions (and having to tiptoe through the hidden meanings because she'd just explode if we missed something), when younger if she wasn't happy in some way, it was my fault. Okay, another thread to let go of now, people don't always need to be in hyper effusive mode, a brief or missed reply doesn't mean anything about me and if it does happen to, well that's fine, too. Okay, need to keep focusing on that. No more thoughts today, I'm tired lol
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Wow. A huge waterfall of insight and solid progress, Tupp!
Dying to write reams but later....must must must get the
Laptop sorted. The amount of backpedaling to fix typos I make on this tablet is insane.
More later, PUp has over shared what he ate yesterday...in several places. Ugh, gross, goodmorning.
Aaaaarggghggh, hugs
Hops
PS, your last para sounds to me like an epiphany of the HIGHEST order. Seriously.
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Wow. A huge waterfall of insight and solid progress, Tupp!
Dying to write reams but later....must must must get the
Laptop sorted. The amount of backpedaling to fix typos I make on this tablet is insane.
More later, PUp has over shared what he ate yesterday...in several places. Ugh, gross, goodmorning.
Aaaaarggghggh, hugs
Hops
PS, your last para sounds to me like an epiphany of the HIGHEST order. Seriously.
Good luck with the laptop, Hops (and the puppy vomit!). I'm clueless with tech but we have a lovely man in town who has that great ability to fix, sort and deal with the problem without making me feel like a moron for not understanding it, plus he'll always go through various options according to price so you know he isn't just suggesting whatever will make him the most money. Lovely chap, he's a real help to a lot of people.
I'm still thinking/pondering my mind and trying to observe what's going on and pick out what works and what isn't helpful. I know I have always, always, lived in a future version of my life because the present is always unacceptable to me. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's how I've always been. But I was thinking today, if our parents (or whoever it is closest to us in childhood) don't accept us for who we are, how can we accept ourselves? And if I accept my present day situation or circumstances, I would also need to accept myself - and I am unacceptable. Does that make sense? Kind of makes sense in my head.
I always look at my situation (any situation) for a point of what I haven't done yet. So if I look at my home presently, it is kind of shabby. The furniture is old and mismatched, I always have grand plans to upcycle furniture and make beautiful curtains but I never get round to it. I've still got stacks of paperwork I need to get rid of, boxes of photos I need to put into albums, bits and pieces of my son's that I want to put into memory boxes. I could easily write a two page list of things that need doing.
But when I think back to when we moved in here - with nothing - having gone through an awful experience with the drug dealer, having to start over, having also dealt with a pandemic, years of abuse from my mum and all the disability related experiences - then what we've achieved here is pretty phenomenal. I think part of the problem is that I see things through a superficial glaze, because that's what can be criticised (what can be seen). It's protective, I suppose. I spend two hours cleaning the house because people can see that. I could spend that two hours putting photos into albums and creating beautiful reference points for my son in the future, but that would be criticised as being indulgent (and lord, I can hear that actual words in my head: "Hmm. Alright for some, having nothing better to do all day, I don't suppose bothering to clean your house would be too much to ask?" I can hear every nuance, I can see the sneering look on her face and I can feel myself withering inside to avoid the way it makes me feel. Okay, this is making sense now. She would even relay that to other people: "Get this one. Spends half a day fannying about with photo albums instead of bothering to clean the house, heaven forbid that child actually had a clean house to live in". Feel sick just hearing it in my head. Starting to understand why so much of it stays buried.
I also need to focus more on all the good people and experiences we meet, hear about and are affected by. I don't, because they don't pose a risk. I focus on all the ones that can do me harm and cause problems, even if that problem is a throwaway comment about me (insert negative or unhelpful comment here). Need to change that focus as well.
I think I need to reframe my head into - what I have done rather than what I ought to have done. What I want or need to do, rather than what will avoid criticism or keep me safe (from mad people, I'm not about to start challenging huge men to fights, I'm talking more about that sort of passive aggression and gaslighting that's such a problem). What my achievements are, within the context of my life, rather than held up against the societal norms of (generally speaking) - job - money - house etc. Perhaps husband is part of that as well. I still don't want one lol.
Okay. That's probably enough for now. Does it make sense? I think I've melted my own brain x
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Makes sense to me, ((Tupp.))
There's joy in noticing achievements and lovely old collected things without comparing to anything. Just noticing what's been overcome, brings joy and is possible in the moment.
The rest is old ballast. Cumbersome. Ready to be acknowledged, thanked and retired.
Floating to the surface, free and much lighter, seems a fine idea just now.
Lighter
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You guys cold, Tupp?
🥶
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You mAke so much sense, Tupp, and it's no accident. Your mind is your treasure.
I felt chilled and sickened by your biomothrr's voice and mean, reflexive criticism AND, especially, that she's shaming you TO OTHERS.
It wasn't just demeaning and dismissive, it was so destructive. IT's beautiful, however, how clearly you see it now. I believe you DO have a lot more distance now. Not just geographically. She was so unkind to you at your most vulnerable, and she is SUCH "an N". All about her. You as sexual competition, my god. You as threat do her grand self image, how does Marvellous Me have a neurodivergent grandchild with othe problems? Since everything in her universe is always about her, her, her...ugh.
I'm so happy you and Son are tucked up cozily in Scotland and hope that as you continue your remarkable, really remarkable healing and growth, you will meet a few folks who become your friends.
My prickly neighbor and I are actual friends, once I came to understand her better. We can't have deep and perceptive conversations but we'll help each out in real practical ways. She broke her wrist and wanted to make shepherds pie and asked me to come peel and cut the potatoes. I enjoyed it. Poet has her own limits and diminished insight, as do I, but we continue to support each other despite the distance. HOllywood-adjacent friend has been nothing but much nicer since the time I came close to discarding the friendship. Oldest friend, dog lady who lives in a town 45 minutes away is loyal and devoted to maintaining our connection, is very valuable to me even though I "bore" too easily, ADHD style.
It's taken me a very very long time to realize I do have people who care about me. They can't grout over the cracks in me, I have to do that. But they do make things look better once some time goes by.
Here's to the new year bringing us, if not perfect security, at least more internal stability and peace.
Many hugs
Hops
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A little OT here, but I got to wondering about the actual definition of personality. Recognizing that we might all mean something slightly different (and it IS used extremely variably) about what a "personality" consists of. So... still believing the dictionary is my "friend" because it has given me clues from time to time...
here's what Merriam-Webster has regarding the definition and meaning of "personality":
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/personality
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I vote for definition number 3.
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I'm voting #3 too, Hops.
It's cold, windy and covered in snow here. Hope everyone staying warm.
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And it sounds like it's #3 for the win... personality being those intangible qualities and characteristics that make "you - you". And for most people, it's hard to make a list of these.
Some people are irrepressibly funny - always having a handy quip for everyone. Some are kind beyond expectation (or even rationality, sometimes). Some are loyal in the extreme. But these are just stand-out qualities. People are always a lot of other things, to one degree or another. And this can change with age; and even on any particular day; these qualities are also susceptible to mood, amount of sleep, lack of coffee... well, it's pretty infinite.
So maybe those stand-out qualities are the ones consistent despite time place & situation. Predictable enough, to start to build a "type" of personality. (See Meyers-Briggs, Enneagram, and more research/speculation into defining personality.)
Some times, I can be defined as crossing Ts and dotting Is of my routine. Other days, I'm a free spirit rebel to all social norms (just to stir things up; wake up from routines). Some days I'm a real uncaring hardass; others and empathetic kind softy. But I consistently question things, challenge the status quo understandings, and ponder things at length - sometimes, repeatedly. So maybe that's why "Skeptical" hasn't changed in a long time. It's neither here nor there, and IMO, just not that important anymore. Even when I'm getting called out for not "being" what I've been in the past... people change! And that's OK. There is no "perfect definition" for how to be, thank the godz!
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You're important to me, Amber!
Just had an interesting convo with the Instacart guy who wouldn't set foot off the street so I hadda hoof it out over the ice and fetch my own stuff from the curb. Then again, I saw a very large man in totally unproductive, untied kicks that would've offered him zero protection from a fall. I crabbed at him a bit but felt compassion because he clearly had zero experience walking on ice and snow. So I gave him an even bigger tip and we wound up friends.
He would have great lugged boots on if he could afford them, is the bottom line in my mind.
I felt guilty for even complaining, and my complaining is very empathetic, normally.
hugs
Hops
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Are you ready for this storm, Tupp? I'm hearing Scotland might be impacted as well as Ireland.
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I'm curious what you've been up to, Tupp. How're things?
Lighter
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Hi both, thank you, the storm was horrendous. You wouldn't believe it today, it's so calm and sunny, but we had 90mph winds from the early hours of the morning until late in the evening, which was then followed by snow. Fortunately for us we are in a bit of a dip which I think protected us from the worse of it. We've not suffered damage beyond the garden taking a bit of a battering, we've not lost power (went off briefly a few times but only for a few minutes), phones are still working (and internet!). But all around us there are trees down, roads blocked, people without power or phones, they've set up mobile food vans in some areas to feed people who've no power, I've seen pictures of roofs off, windows blown in and all sorts. Very scary. I'm very glad it's over and hope not to experience it again.
I'm still just trying to work through all my issues. At times I feel like two people. There's a person I could be/would have been if the abuse hadn't happened. There's the person I am, whose had to develop an incredibly tough shell to keep the other one safe. I'm a bit nervous about 'talking' to different parts, I kind of worry it might become something I'm no longer conscious of and turn in to a proper 'mental health' situation, but at the same time it almost feels like the 'protected' person, whilst having a range of interests, skills and hobbies, doesn't have any ability to cope with real life situations, because she's never experienced them. Almost like those useless adults you get who rely completely on their parents because they've never been taught how to problem solve, look after themselves, build a bit of resilience and so on. The protected part doesn't feel safe enough to do anything; even drinking a glass of water creates a feeling of vulnerability that I don't get when I drink coffee, simply because the caffeine creates a bit of fizz which overrides any feelings. So I've been trying to work with that and I think it's helping, but I've never been so tired in my life. I've not even got out of bed today, I just don't have any energy. It feels like the internal work is taking everything up. Which hopefully is a good thing.
I start counselling with Rape Crisis next month so I've been trying to work things out on paper, to get things straight in my head so that I don't waste sessions just waffling on about things that aren't important. I've been writing a lot about my childhood and that's been hard. I've had to acknowledge how involved my mum was in the sexual abuse and I've found that very difficult. I've also been putting together a family tree, and seeing how many relatives we have, and how not one of them even thought to take my sister and I out every now and again, just to get us out of that situation, has been hard to absorb as well. I can see how it's difficult to feel worthwhile as an adult when everyone in your life through childhood either ignores you or berates you.
The positive is my sister and I have been talking more, and that's really helping our relationship. It's interesting that she tends to remember practical details, and I remember the more emotional stuff. I had some photos of our dad that she didn't have. I didn't realise; I'd always assumed my mum did us copies so we both had them but it seems she didn't even bother to do that, so I've copied them and sent them to her. We've talked about how nice it would be to find out we were adopted :) I would really love to know that woman's genes don't exist inside me.
So yep, that's where we are. It's tough going, I'm not enjoying it to be truthful, I'm feeling very envious of people that just go to work, watch a bit of telly and go to bed. The fact it's winter doesn't help; the short days really do me in and although they're getting longer now, it's still a lot of dark to cope with. It is what it is. It does feel more like two steps forward, pause, step forward again, which is better than two forward and three back, which is what usually happens. I'm hoping the counselling is useful. It would be nice to finally get past this for good.
Just editing to add: I think the big problem I've got now is that my efforts to ensure my son's childhood was nothing like my own have been successful but - he's now facing the same adult life I've had, which is of isolation, lack of connection and low income. I put all my effort into keeping abusive people and traumatic experiences out of his life, but it didn't leave me enough left over to work on myself enough to build healthy relationships with people, and I've found hiding in my shell the only way to cope. So he has no-one but me, same as I have no-one but me. I need to change that. I think the 'protected' part of me kind of dies if being nice doesn't elicit the desired response - having not learnt how to take the knocks and be secure without getting a certain kind of feed back. So the survivor part of me is the one that goes out into the world, but she doesn't attract the kind of people I want, so I always end up a bit in the middle, knowing a lot of people but no-one really knowing me. I need to work on that but that feels kind of scary as well, it's never knowing where the tipping point might be, going over the edge and not being able to get back up. And not having any help to do it, either. So it becomes a kind of self fulfilling prophecy - there's no-one there to catch me if I fall, so I can't try, which means I'll never have anyone to catch me, and on it goes. Something else to work on. Anyway, I'm rambling. I've got up, I've had a bath, I'm going to tidy up and cook some dinner and then I'm going back to bed. Do feel less tired, actually, I'm hoping some decent sleep tonight and some reasonable weather tomorrow will help xx
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As messy as it feels and sounds... I think you're doing OK dealing with it. You're doing a lot of different positive things, actually. And yes, it's OK if you have a day or two to doze in bed while all this heavy stuff is getting brought into the light of conscious acknowledgement. It does indeed take a lot of energy.
I'm glad the storm wasn't worse for you than it was. Storms are part of life, and after we've cleaned up & put things right again... we'll be more ready for the next time.
Knuckles is wiggling an ear at you - his way of waving HIIIIIIIiiiiii! LOL.
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Lol, Hi Knuckles! Our cat is glaring at me because I gave him his worming treatment today and he doesn't like it so now he's in a mood :) Lol
I am finding it difficult. I'm napping/resting when I can and just trying not to push myself too hard for too long, but I feel like an invalid at times and I'm finding that hard going. I do wish there was some way to just sleep through your brain and nervous system reprocessing everything and working it all out so you can just wake up better :)
I do find the guided meditations on YouTube helpful, and there's one I've been doing where you connect with the part of yourself that doesn't feel you're worthy or that you're good enough. I've not been able to connect with that part of myself; I've done the meditation every day for the last week or so and each time what I see instead is the part of myself that's been hidden and protected. The protector is out of shot, uncontactable, very protective but also quite smothering and demanding. It kind of makes sense because that's how my co-dependency plays out; it's not out of kindness but more a sort of 'not like that, you idiot' approach. I wrap it in kindness, of course, because I'm nice and I want everyone to think I'm nice. But I do have a strong sense of my approach being the only way to get it done properly and everyone else being wrong, and it is quite deeply unpleasant. Hadn't seen it in such stark terms before.
But the meditation changed today; there was a glimmer of the protecting part, very angry as the hidden part was saying it's alright, she can go now, everything's fine, she can manage on her own. The protector part is shouting no, I'm not going, you're not safe, you can't cope without me. Like a very angry child, you know how sometimes kids get really wound up and they don't even know why? Just that whirlwind of energy that has to be obeyed even though they don't know what they want. There was a shift, though. Quite looking forward to doing it tomorrow and seeing what happens then. Hoping it's a sign of healing and not one of insanity :0 xx
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I think it's getting sorted out, Tupp. Maybe a bit messy getting there - but everyone's being heard. That's a good start.
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Thank you for the reassurance, Skep, I appreciate it :)
I think because doing this 'kind of thing' is a bit - esoteric? metaphysical? woo woo? I'm not sure of the right way to describe it, but it's not normal, practical, functional stuff. It feels a bit otherworldly, and I'm conscious of not having anyone close to hand who would notice if I was detaching from reality. Feels a bit like walking on a tightrope without a safety net.
That said - I've carried on doing the meditation and the protecting part has grown quiet and sad. The protected part is reassuring her and feeling stronger. I've always been conscious that I create a narrative in my head and then try to live that, rather than just living and getting on with it. I talked to a therapist about it years ago- if I do x, y and z, then I'll be safe and things will be okay. I've been aware of it for a long time, it's just always been very difficult to get past it. I had three really horrible dreams last night and woke up feeling awful very early this morning. But - the need to create a narrative seemed to have receded. I didn't try to tell myself anything, or give myself a talking to, or try to create a scenario to motivate myself. I went through my circumstances in my head, and they're not great at the minute but I got up and just went and got on with sorting food out and doing some baking and food prep. I went and put some things away, came back, and my son had cut himself a slice of bread from an uncut loaf. I know it doesn't sound like much, but he's never been able to physically do that before, nor has he even wanted to attempt it (even as recently as two days ago - I asked him if he wanted to try and he said no). Came back in to the room today and he'd not just tried it, he'd done a good job, made himself a sandwich, rewrapped the bread and had cleaned the knife. It's a small thing, but it's huge at the same time. So on some level it felt like that bit of release in me has somehow increased what he can do. I know it sounds mad (and it's probably just coincidence) but that's how it felt. It felt good.
I'm very tired so I've decided to have a quiet day, and I haven't had to think about it or balance it out in my head. I'm just on the sofa with my feet up, my son's at his group, I've got the dinner ready for later so it's fine. I can rest. Must admit I'm hoping for a better night's sleep tonight, I do struggle with being so tired during the day. But it still feels like moving forward rather than stalling and getting stuck all the time xx
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Oh ....(((Tupp!!)) I'm so excited ds made his samich AND also cleaned and put away after!! It sounds like sea change to me. New skills, yes, but also initiative
on
his
own!!! Woo hoo,
I was about to post my last T appointment when I caught up your thread. Will just say my T asks my protector parts, and any others besides the child/wounded part to actually take a seat in the waiting room.
All parts are asked permission for whatever we're doing....no matter what.
Getting down to curiosity helps everything for me.....the frustration can go to waiting room too.
I'll put the experience on my thread, but you're processing and it sounds really good.
Lighter
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It does feel like shifts are happening, Lighter. The other weird thing (after the sandwich success) was this; my son's day today consists of him meeting his group at the bus stop, and them all catching the bus together. They go to one centre for morning activities, then catch another bus and go somewhere else for different activities. Then they all catch the bus home together. There are staff at the centres and the group that travel on the bus mostly live alone and are very independent and they watch out for him, they're very sweet and they call check in on each other (ie they'd never get on the bus and leave him behind). Despite all of that I still worry, so he has a tracker on his phone which I check several times a day if he's out, and I usually get to the bus stop ten minutes before his bus arrives so that I'm definitely there on time. But today I got there just as his bus pulled in, and it was only when we got home I realised I didn't check the tracker once all day. Didn't think not to do it or set myself a goal not to worry, just didn't think about it and didn't do it. And it feels like a good thing, not a negligent mum thing. Now if he got a bit more independent and I worried about him a bit less - that would be a very good thing indeed.
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Tupp.
I put all my effort into keeping abusive people and traumatic experiences out of his life, but it didn't leave me enough left over to work on myself enough to build healthy relationships with people, and I've found hiding in my shell the only way to cope. So he has no-one but me, same as I have no-one but me. I need to change that. I think the 'protected' part of me kind of dies if being nice doesn't elicit the desired response - having not learnt how to take the knocks and be secure without getting a certain kind of feed back. So the survivor part of me is the one that goes out into the world, but she doesn't attract the kind of people I want, so I always end up a bit in the middle, knowing a lot of people but no-one really knowing me. I need to work on that but that feels kind of scary as well, it's never knowing where the tipping point might be, going over the edge....
Tupp, at this, I felt silenced by respect. You know? The way your head just tips forward in acknowledgement of a truly impressive and powerful voice of honesty and INSIGHT. Again.
I only hooked onto one thing, at the end....the "tipping point." I think that's where experimenting socially with reaching out, retreating in, taking risks, enduring silences, hoping for understanding, coping with the shortfall... is hardest for you.
And that, to me, sounds like believing survival itself depends on sussing out all the social codes, AND, unwittingly, looking to each new human connection as a chance for a Pass or Fail grade, as we call it here. If they don't get it/you, or they are dull as dishwater, or they blow you off, or they prove superficial...you interpret it as YOU failed (even though your inner realistic critic is mad at them for being whatever they are).
When really, they're just regular farting fools in a particular moment or exchange, and they aren't your primal loss. Maybe, maybe, you're unintentionally experiencing the RE-loss of Loving Mother in every chance for friendship? Either She Shows Up or you re-experience that ungodly primal rejection.
I dunno, just where my mind went.
I send you so much love for all this.
hugs
Hops
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Hops, I'm sorry for your device troubles! These things can take so long to remedy sometimes. Hopefully not much longer now.
Yes, I think that's absolutely it, completely my responsibility for whether things go well or not. If they're not interesting enough that's because I'm not so I can't expect it on anyone else, if they talk too much it's because I'm obviously passive/a pushover/not worth listening to, if they're friends for years and then vanish it's because I choose the wrong friends. It's absolutely all on my shoulders, isn't it exhausting?
I'm hoping the more I can develop awareness of myself and get to a point where I can have enough space to notice the reaction, rather than it taking control of the situation, I can get more into a mindset of seeing other people's 'stuff' as theirs, rather than mine. Hopefully being able to be a bit accommodating - talking too much can be nerves, for example, or being a bit more assertive - actually, I don't enjoy talking about politics, could we discuss cats instead - but not to the extent where they become a project or another friendship that drains the life out of me.
Getting there, I reckon I'll have figured it all out by the time I'm a hundred and ten :) Lol xx
Editing to include my meditation this morning. The protecting part is now very small and is screaming at me "You're disgusting, you're disgusting!" I sat and cried. Kind of missed the rest of the meditation because I was crying but I'm hoping it's another step in the right direction. I do wonder what we went through before we were even able to notice it or understand it. I don't have the feeling that my mother was a loving, devoted parent to her babies and then changed when they became old enough to remember. Tired again, so tired. Trying to think about each thing I do - will this reduce stress or create stress. My son has a group this afternoon, am just thinking there's a nice quiet carpark nearby, might just take a blanket and pillow, lock the doors once I've dropped him off and have a little nap.
Editing again because, as I was doing my head massage (yes, I'm trying very hard with the relaxation and self care stuff) I realised that all these years I've built conversations and responses in my head in order to protect myself from allegations and criticisms, I've actually just been finding ways to criticise myself. It's so weird, I don't do the self criticism, I imagine it coming from another source and then have to argue against it. But it's just me finding things about myself that can be criticised. Which is everything, let's face it, a critical person will always find something to criticise in someone. I've created a living version of my mother in my head, disguised her as myself and then tormented myself for decades. Bloody hell! Why does it take so long for this stuff to make itself obvious? It's not like I haven't been trying for the last twenty years. Whenever I have these imaginary conversations (and they run throughout the day, it never ends), it's never once occurred to me to just presume the other person is an idiot (farting fools, Hops, like you say) and pay no mind to it. Come to that, why have I spent so many years analysing my mother's reasons for being the way she is when the plain truth could be that she's an idiot? Honestly, I need a cup of tea now.
And editing again, they're coming thick and fast this morning. I do abandon people once their flaws become impossible to ignore. I didn't realise I do it. Getting to a point with someone where their problems consume me, yes, that's been clear and is reasonable, I think, if it gets too much to cope with. But there are people I know who are decent people, kind, funny, will help out at times - but I don't think they've coped with their lives properly. They drink, or overspend, or overeat, or watch telly all weekend, instead of dealing with their own abuse/trauma/neglect situations (and I think that's always at the bottom of it all). I don't feel like I judge them? Maybe I do. But I do feel like they're doing it wrong. And then I avoid them. But actually, assuming the things they do aren't actually causing me a problem then - it's not my thing to worry about? And it's not a reflection of me being inadequate? Just ordinary people muddling through life as best they can? Having good qualities as well as being a bit crap in some areas? Dealing with their problems differently to me? Not necessarily better or worse. Just not the same. Hmmm.
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OH TUPP...
as Hol sez, people are just doing the best they CAN. There is no right/wrong way to live life - despite all the self-help industry's opinion to the contrary. After all, they're making a living off of telling people how to be happier, more content, more successful..... etc ad nauseum.
Internal critics manifest in various ways. And, I find, it's one of the hardest things to change or let go even after years of working through the ways we've been trapped by trauma events and the later "life lessons" that reinforce those things. It's still doable.
The power of those internal narratives... oh my. I am still stunned by how we twist things up in our heads, to try to make SOME sense out of what happened to us and justify emotions... or beliefs about ourselves... or whatever (I suspect this is a lot of what makes/breaks "self esteem" and "self respect".)
B has a rock solid, inpenetrable, unbreakable narrative that (I see) as imprisoning him, and actually making his physical struggle worse. It also uses up all his attention, perception, and energy/caring to give to another person. When the narrative quiets down, then he's back to his warm, cozy, funny FLEXIBLE self. Some of his OCD characteristic is a similar thing to your protector self.
One more observation, then I'll "shut it" - lately, I'm not doing lengthy, deep dive, totally focused analytical processing of things. It's been more productive to do a bit here... a bit there... poke my head above water & take another look... and only occasionally looking to see if any of those puzzle pieces fit together. Not advocating that as a pattern for anyone, just noting the change from years ago when I was just as obsessed as B about trying to make sense of things.
You're not stuck, from what I can see. You're moving right along up the spiral of progress.
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I'm still treading water in the quotidian so can't write what you deserve, so I'll cheat by pasting in today's advice from Carolyn Has in The Washington Post. Big hugs, Hops:
Parents don't even remember hitting us
Guest12:04 p.m.
Growing up my brother and I were frequently subjected to corporal punishment like slapping and spanking. I've been resentful and struggled with intrusive violent thoughts from a young age that my therapist says stem from my early childhood exposure to aggression. This came up during a recent conversation with my mom. She shut me down and said she never hit us. She's downplayed it before but not that explicitly. My dad also denied ever hitting us. I mentioned a time when he slapped me and my brother for denting the car with our baseball. My dad denied it. After my brother confirmed the story, my dad apologized
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Thanks, Skep. I am definitely in favour of not doing the 'deep dive' stuff. I want to understand enough to make changes where I need to. I do want the external circumstances of my life to change, I really want that to happen. But with me I don't think changes in the way I think (when I make the change consciously) work; I think there's stuff buried tissue deep, that I wove into myself before I could even speak, that's affected everything I do throughout my life.
And yes, people are just muddling through as best they can. I think my deep seated need to 'fix' (having been brought up being utterly responsible for my mother's happiness) means that I feel obliged to involve myself, and of course if you do that you want someone to get on and deal with things. I think part of it is energy as well; if I've listened to someone else's problems I don't have the energy left to talk about myself in any way. I don't know anyone anymore who's having a good time. Everyone's got health problems, money problems, relationship problems. I miss the way I used to go out with my friends, get drunk and spend four hours laughing about nothing.
I can imagine B's spent a life time of 'manning up' and has a quite rigid code that has helped him cope. I know I've felt that way for a long time, and it does get you through tough times. It's dropping it afterwards that's difficult (especially when he has to keep battling with the medical issues. At least if the process was smooth, even if it wasn't that successful or satisfactory you don't have to deal with the endless frustration. It's maddening).
But the upside of it all - I feel better today than I have done for a long time. I noticed it yesterday, despite such a lot happening early in the morning, I got on with the day without thinking about it. Dropped my son off, went to look for some things I'm thinking about getting - kitchen gadgets, hopefully to make cooking a bit easier for my son - and didn't have multiple narratives running in my head. Normally I'd question myself, criticise myself, imagine people criticising me for spending money, there would be a whole circus running round in there. But it just wasn't. Had a good look round, didn't buy anything as I'm not 100%sure what would be best, went back to collect my son and we just came home and had dinner. Slept better last night than I've done for about the last ten years, I'd say, and actually woke up with a teeny feeling that getting out of bed might be worth the effort. So it feels like something bumped along. I'm going to keep doing the self care stuff each day, I do feel like it helps. But at the moment - feeling pretty good :)
Hopsie, do you know, I think that denial of childhood incidents is so common, I don't think I know anyone who's brought up a childhood situation and got an accepting response? My mum's description of our childhood is like an Enid Blyton story. Funnily enough her description of her childhood is horrifyingly bland and depressing, yet her sister's version is very different. I'm doing family history stuff and have found a whole load of relatives, siblings of my grandparents, who were alive well into my twenties - yet I'd never heard of them. Also found I had great grandparents who only died a few years before I was born, yet no-one ever mentioned a word of them either? I guess it is a case of people doing what they need to get by and whether it's alright seems to be half down to luck. It's very hard not being acknowledged.
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Yep, parents don't remember a lot of the things that kids take to heart or internalize or resent. Or we remember events differently. Hol & I have definitely been through this in discussion. And due to my being divorced from her Dad, she remembers things I never even knew about. This is bigger than just different points of view, we find.
In some cases, for me specifically - there has been so much water under the bridge since then - I literally do not have the brain capacity to hold everything I've ever experienced in there without prioritizing some thing things and subordinating others. And sometimes, too, those internal narratives can "color" specific memories. It's WAYYYY complex! Tons of variables.
So we keep trying to simplify where it's possible, and organize things into collective "buckets" - and that helps a lot.
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Yep, parents don't remember a lot of the things that kids take to heart or internalize or resent. Or we remember events differently. Hol & I have definitely been through this in discussion. And due to my being divorced from her Dad, she remembers things I never even knew about. This is bigger than just different points of view, we find.
In some cases, for me specifically - there has been so much water under the bridge since then - I literally do not have the brain capacity to hold everything I've ever experienced in there without prioritizing some thing things and subordinating others. And sometimes, too, those internal narratives can "color" specific memories. It's WAYYYY complex! Tons of variables.
So we keep trying to simplify where it's possible, and organize things into collective "buckets" - and that helps a lot.
Very much this, different things are important for different reasons at different times as well. I think as you grow up and have your own experiences/children/problems to deal with you can have those moments where you realised how much your parents did/sacrificed/strived for you - and those moments when you realise they didn't even do the bare minimum. And we do all remember things differently, I find that even with childhood friends they remember different things about events we were all at (someone's birthday, for example). It can make you wonder if you imagined something or got it wrong if no-one else remembers it (or admits remembering it). Just a case of muddling through, I think, and yes, brain capacity is such a big part of it, you have to put certain things down in order to deal with other things sometimes. And then your focus is elsewhere.
I'm still finding the daily meditation helpful. Yesterday say the protecting part kind of evaporated away, and momentarily become a happy, smiling child. Can you imagine how amazing childhood must be if it's carefree and everyone around you loves you and works hard to keep you safe? Amazing. Today the part that needs protecting was kind of fading; I'm taking that as a good sign that I'm feeling safer overall. I would like to feel as safe as the cat; when I woke up this morning he was draped across the bottom of my bed like a scarf, completely stretched out, fast asleep and without a care in the world. I stroked him and he didn't even open his eyes, just started purring and stretched his chin up as he likes being stroked there. Imagine feeling that safe around people that you don't need your eyes open and you can trust them completely to do what you like. Those are life goals lol.
Counselling starts next week. I'm quite looking forward to it. I have told my son I'm having some problems with my mental health and that I'm having counselling and he's been very sweet about it. It's online so I 'need the room' for an hour while it's going on and I didn't want to make up some story to tell him. I'm quite keen to get on with it now. I feel like I want to spew out all the stuff that I've never told anybody and just get it all out of me and put somewhere else. I've always felt so scared that letting it out would let more bad stuff in; almost like an evil curse escaping and everyone being terrorised. But now I feel like it's the strong, calm thing to do. Take control of it, hang it out on the line and let the wind take it. I'd still quite like to hear someone ran the fecker down but this will be good enough. I do think I'm feeling more secure? I feel more solid in myself. Better able to withstand what might come, at any rate.
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Whew boy, Tupp. All that sounds grounded and amazing to me. To hang it in the wind....release it.....resume your true, trusting self and relax like your kitty. Yes.
I find acknowledged and tended parts do quiet down. Maybe they become little mommy's helpers, then learn the play and stretch in the sun?
I find my tendencies.....errrr neeeeds to control, are releasing their grip in day to day life. I notice them, and we mostly let them go by, with serenity.
It feels like understanding them stands equal to tending to the parts.
I'll jot more on my thread.
::hoping you connect with your T, Tupp🐈⬛::.
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I'm so glad you pursued counseling, Tupp.
One thing that pops to mind is that even though it's a professional, not a social/personal, relationship...it's excellent practice at relating to and even trusting another human being. Finding out what clicks, but in a safe space where you can also take a look at what doesn't.
How wonderful that you sought out and found someone. I hope s/he proves to be good enough to really help you sustain these epic healthy steps you're taking.
What you were saying about your inner harsh critic...she's just a misunderstood defender. It's lovely to hear that you're gradually getting sick of the all-day tape of self criticism.
hugs,
Hops
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Thanks both, it feels like big process but I am finding it exhausting.
I did yoga yesterday. My hips are always very tight/painful. I was in the posture, something popped (release rather than dislocation!) and my hip dropped two inches nearer to the floor. I felt the weight move round to my lower back (another problem area) and oh boy, the anger! Huge, crushing waves of it, so strong. I couldn't think of anything to do other than silent scream, so I screamed and shouted and swore (without actually making any noise), and that probably went on for twenty minutes. Was so tired I went back to bed and slept for two hours. Shattered today because, of course, that meant I didn't sleep well last night, but hopefully today it will settle back down again.
Meditation this morning was funny; the protected part isn't having any of it now. Completely shut down, not speaking, none of you wanted me, no-one wanted to listen, you all just left me so you can all bugger off. Is completely how I feel! All the time. What's the point, people are so fake anyway, if I show my vulnerable side people lose interest once the reality of it means they don't get what they want.
I am finding it harder to ignore what I now perceive as my mother's deliberate cruelty. I have generally presumed her to have been unaware/incapable/unknowing, but the more I dig backwards the more it feels like she knew exactly what she was doing a lot of the time, mostly because she was so adept at showing a completely different side to other people. You don't hide it if you don't know it's wrong. I struggle to get my head around anyone taking pleasure from belittling and humiliating little girls. I realised yesterday how I've always been so scared of being angry, because we were punished so much if we ever showed it. Justifiably angry, because someone did something they shouldn't, and it's funny how you know that on some level even when you're really small. And then being wrong for being angry, it not being permitted. You take it and you keep your mouth shut or I'll hurt you even more. That was the message. Even worse than that, not only were we expected to put up with everything without complaint, we were expected to waft around telling everyone she was wonderful and stand there like little puppets while she laughed and joked and dazzled with other people, when we'd had three days of absolute silence because she was furious that we didn't offer her a cup of tea when she got in from work. There are times now when I feel I truly despise her and I'm not very comfortable feeling like that. It doesn't feel like a good thing to carry around. Hopefully that will drop off as I work through all the other stuff.
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Tupp, maybe you can let that angry part know it's perfectly reasonable to feel hatred in the situations she suffered. Perfectly reasonable to understand and process intentional cruelty towards little children as wrong and evil, even. It was and always will be, esp from the person responsible for caretaking and protecting you/little children to do so deliberately.
Just let that angry part have her anger and hate what was done TO her, sans judgement. Having it might be the key to releasing the feelings. Hateful feelings towards your mum aren't right it wrong. They simply are.....and they'll wash over and through ...into the wind, it's hoped.
In any case, the anger is valid and belongs. It's not the problem..... processing it out of your limbic system is solution, IME.
Angry Tupp has something to tell you. Where do you feel her in your body?
Focus on that...breathe into it and listen.
The anger and pain showed up, likely, bc you're ready to do this work now. This will be relief and freedom......not more to carry, IME.
Ask fear and guilt to take a seat in the waiting room, so angry Tupp can tell you her truth. It's ok. You're safe. You've been doing this for a while.
When angry Tupp speaks, try to remain observer......notice if you're blended or observing. Keep breathing and coming back to center so you can tend to angry Tupp..... you're a grown woman who can protect her. She'll come to trust that, IME.
Lighter
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Lighter, I think you're right, it's good to accept it and let it 'through'; it does fill me with trepidation. We're not really taught how to manage anger, are we? It's always a bad thing to be frightened of. I'm going to work on that.
Energy levels are completely different to normal, though. We've had busy day today and got a lot done, usually by late afternoon I'd be absolutely wiped out but I feel alright? Tired but in a manageable way, not the deep exhaustion I usually have. Be nice not to feel so wretched all the time x
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Tupp, IMO, it's OTHER people* who are made uncomfortable by our righteous anger. Mind you, no bad actions occur - actions can be bad; feelings just ARE... until they pass or are let go.
It's the consensus among those other people, not knowing how to respond to anger or what you really need in that moment, that the discomfort = bad. Not that YOU are bad. The counselors and Ts of this world have to be able to handle anger (when it comes up) in a safe & healthy way... to help one process it. Lower the intensity, keep it from totally dominating a person; teach that person ways to manage it while acknowledging it - and the wrong that caused it in the first place. Anger can be a very useful "key" to unlocking a lot of stored emotional wrongs. Sorting it. Leaving it in the past - and freeing yourself in the present. To choose OTHER responses.
Tho it's generally unwanted, refused, and even a little risky - I've been able to walk up to a very angry person and simply hug them silently to help the anger lift some. Sometimes, it's just enough acknowledgement that they've been HEARD and taken seriously. Sometimes, it comforts a hurt under the anger. Sometimes it's just a reminder that the people around the angry aren't the people, that the person is angry AT.
It's not good, IMO, to kick kitty litter over anger and pretend it doesn't exist. Not healthy BECAUSE precisely, it tends to manifest in the body in various ways; usually painful. Mine was sciatica. It's the pretending that "everything's fine" while your emotions are ON FIRE, that is absolute denial of the angry person's humanity and separate autonomy, and their own individuality. Total lack of respect.
As for varying levels of anger - think of it as shades or the gas flame on the hob - disapproval, irritation, annoyance, frustration are all lower levels of a shade of anger. Then it goes all the way up to apoplectic, nuclear meltdown... LOL. (My end of the scale, because I sit on my anger too long (long fuse) until I explode or meltdown.) And if examined closely, you can see clues of the other shades of emotions tinting it.
You're doin' real well Tupp. Dredging through to fresh air! Chirping birds! The first buds of spring!
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I'm always astonished at the repeated difficult feelings and dread.....less these days, but it always knocks me sideways, sweeps me up and surprises me when T takes me back to calm with tools I'm familiar with.
I reach for tools more often, more quickly, but it's not "new default settings" or at least not yet.
Lately, I try to lean in, more....truly drop judgement ( like my life depends on it) and get as curious as I can.... sometimes not very, but the choic is THERE, for me.
I'm trying to trust more, be curious and nonjudgmental when meditating and seeing T. Trying to make them my new default settings.
It's a process.....to fail, notice, SEE the choices I might make next time and reach for them, however inconsistently, reach them select mindfully..... that's everything, Tupp.
It's like peeking through a crack.....out of darkness and the unknown.....glimpsing well lit paths.....even if I can only see slivers at first. The slivers become familiar, then I notice more and become familiar and notice more till there's a whole universe in front of me.....and I really can choose from it's wonders, but also choose the darkness/old defaults/reactivity too.
Noticing choice.
Restoring choice.
Choosing serenity over borrowing trouble, casting pearls to swine, allowing unsavory people to live in my head, rent free.
I realize...... there's other things I want for myself and family.
Processing the trauma doesn't get rid of it.
It still belongs, but it moves it out of my limbic system....stores it safely out of my daily way so everything I see isn't tinted by it.
That relief....that freedom is everything, IME.
Little steps....through and out the other side.
Yes.
Lighter
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Thanks, both, I'm nodding all the way through, especially 'righteous anger', Skep, and moving the trauma out of the limbic system, Lighter. Thank you.
First session was this morning. I couldn't get the video link to work so was a bit flustered, plus had to put headphones on to be able to hear her and was then worried about talking too loud and being overheard by son/neighbours. Unnecessarily worried, it was just nerves, I think, so was a bit wobbly to start with. But she seems to have that good mix of 'friendly but professional'. It was a general chat today, her explaining how they work, she asked me quite a bit about my current coping mechanisms and took a general history, explained a bit about how she works with people (basically along the lines of CBT but at a deeper level; she described is as getting to the heart of the wound rather than putting a sticking plaster over it and I got what she meant by that). I found it very difficult to talk about how worthless I feel and got upset at that point; I also felt quite uncomfortable talking about my mum's involvement in it all. I do think there is some part of me that has labelled men bad, women good, and having to acknowledge that there are plenty of vile abusive women out there makes me feel uncomfortable, even though if I'm honest, over the course of my lifetime women have done me more damage than men, and the one man who really damaged me was only able to do so because my mother let him. I find that quite hard to get my head around (only speaking about personal experience).
I did find myself zoning out when I was talking and had to really rein myself back in to listen to her. I did tell her that, we had a chat about disassociation which she talked about in a very easy and accepting way, so that was helpful. It was a good session; I feel that she can help.
I did cry a lot after the call ended and then I've slept most of the afternoon. I don't feel great now but I'm hoping for a decent night's sleep. We've got a reasonably busy day tomorrow which is probably a good thing as it will stop me brooding. Going to have a bath now, do some meditation and then have an early night, I think. My son's been left to his own devices for most of the day which he's been fine about; he said he prefers it to me keeping him busy lol.
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Rough night, horrible dreams and woke up feeling very down. Have tried to stick to a routine through the day and I do feel clearer headed than usual, and have got quite a lot done. Was very triggered by a message from the friend who is always running round after others, who sent me the list of what she's doing and who she's running around after and it really zinged through me. Reacted by going through in my head what she ought to do, should I tell her, should I not and after a couple of minutes I thought, I'm just going to focus on how strongly I reacted to her, and strive to avoid contact rather than risk derailing myself with what I'm doing right now. Everything subsided quickly, we're out for the afternoon/evening which is good, it means I'll be busy and by the time we get home it will just be dinner, bath and bed.
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It sounds like "son" is starting to carve out some autonomy for himself, after all your help. Some self-reliance. That should afford you the space & time to explore at a deeper level, Tupp. But it doesn't have to be 365/24/7. Just make a little daily space for it and then go about the rest of your life.
Uncomfortable things are often clues to great starting points. (not always, but often enough to generalize) I'm sorry about the horrible dreams - both Hol & I have them often enough too. Some are worse than just an awful dream and deserve dissecting.
OH! and I remember that one of the toughest elements of my process was breaking the taboos. The unspoken laws within the dysfunctional/abusive family dynamic. Sounds like MAYBE you're bumping into those?
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Tupp, your upset might trace back to struggle with acceptance. That's often the case for me.
You can't control your friend. She may never accept help or make better choices. Accept that and see if things calm around it.
Sorry your having bad dreams, dear.
Lighter
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Thanks, both, I really appreciate it. Skep, my son is definitely coming into his own more, which is a really good thing. It does make things easier. More constructive, we can work on things together and then he can do his own thing which frees me up a bit, so that's good.
I've been trying to figure out what it is about me that this reaction to my friend is telling me, and I can't get to the bottom of it and see what it's reflecting back to me. It just seems so stupid, and they're not stupid people so - is it dysfunction? Is it just that they're another dysfunctional family and that's what pings in me? Even though I think most families are pretty dysfunctional, I think that's just how things are. So I don't know why this needles me so much.
Anyway, I'm trying to only think of it in terms of what it's telling me about me (and even that not too much). Had a good rest of the day yesterday, slept better last night, busy today and tomorrow and then we've nothing planned for the weekend so we can do things or not do things depending on how we feel, which is very nice xx
Editing because I've carried on thinking about it and a couple of things have occurred to me. I think any sort of problem or tale of woe triggers a deep compulsion in me to fix and rescue. As much as I avoid doing that now, it still feels very wrong for me not to do it, and I wonder if that's part of it. Bit like an alcoholic not being around people who drink, maybe I just need to avoid other people's problems while I work on myself, to avoid the need being triggered.
I also think it's something to do with - not exactly sure how to say this - but people who are perfectly capable of dealing with their problems sensibly and logically, but choose not to. Kind of preferring the drama or constant chaos? Again I feel compelled to step in, and find it hard not to.
Unconnected to this, but I was pondering my reluctance to get up and get on with things in the mornings. I wake up early and every day, I fanny about getting nothing much done for the first two hours. I really annoy myself and always tell myself I won't do it again. But then the next day I do the same thing. I realised/recollected this morning that when I was a kid, I always woke up early, but I'd stay in my room until they both left the house, which was at 7am. It was just safer that way. I'm wondering now if some bit inside me still thinks I need to keep my head down and not attract attention until 7 o'clock. Will have to think on it more and see if it makes a difference in the morning
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Ahhhhh, Tupp. I imagine you spent lots of time wishing your family could drop the needless and toxic drama, chaos and trauma, bc your little heart understood where it came from and how relieved everyone would be
if
it
would
just
STOP. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Like falling off an edge, toxic parents/family members drag children/other family members with them. I think your friend's chaos drags you over her edge..... it's maybe old reactivity popping up and down the monkey hole you go, with her.
I imagine there's a part still living in that place....neeeeeding everyone to stop the madness..... helplessly watching.
If any of that's true, you're no longer helpless . You're grown and have choices.
Maybe changing your friend, her family and their choices would be most helpful, in the moment...... it's not possible to change them. They can only change themselves.
What can you change, in the moment? When you notice reactivity pop up?
If I catch mine, stop it ......I notice choices I couldn't possibly see before.
That means I remain outside my children's pain and can be responsive instead of limited by reactivity. I can respond in the best possible way with creative problem solving skills I can't access while reactive, ME.
Your friend feels trapped, bc her choices are based on her selfish family member's choices. She neeeeeds them to change, so she can change, but that's a stupid trap she can get out of herself, IME. She can't see it now. Doesn't understand.....she has choices IF she can restore choice, IME.
Like your son growing and maturing....your friend's family is always on that edge of learning, but she's "saving" them from the discomfort. Herself too.
Your friend would have to cultivate some awareness around her patterns....discover her reactivity and discomfort around it.....learn to endure the discomfort long enough.....long enough to create some buffer where choice pops up and she sees it .....can select the uncomfortable choices bc she can SEE real benefits to her children and husband learning responsibility. She'll benefit too, but I doubt that'll motivate her off the bat.
But to notice the patterns ...
Not so she can stop wearing herself out, but bc it builds her children into stronger more capable people, partners, students, friends and working human beings who aren't mindlessly selfish people acking compassion for others.
Nobody wants to be roommates with a slob who can't cook, clean or do laundry, IME.
Nobody enjoys being married to a selfish person who puts more on their mate than should be carried.
If she can't change for her own health and sanity....maybe she can figure out why she enables her family.....what is she getting out of this? She's getting something and there doesn't have to be any judgement. Just gentle awareness, IME.
All you can do is handle yourself. Maybe instead of getting dragged down her emotional and reactive monkey hole, you get curious, stop judging and honestly ask her why she thinks this life pattern is there.
What does she get from it? She gets something, even if she's not aware....she can think on it. The discomfort is ok. It won't destroy her. It's a messenger..... it's telling her she's ready to consider other possibilities of doing things....to heal her family, imo. Just an opinion.
What does she believe it's costing her children to develop these patterns? Can she see down the road.....possible positive and negative impacts.....can she identify ways to help them become competent adults? Will she benefit if they need her for basic self care, always? Does that make sense to her?
She doesn't have to have the answers, but having the questions in her mind might create the microsecond she needs to see how reactive she's been and consider it's impact. Consider everything. Consider choice again.
Making choices to help them remain helpless
OR
make choices moving them through and into better places.....even though she feels discomfort......she has purpose and widens her ability to withstand the discomfort leading to positive outcomes, usually surprising IME, proving new choices aren't "bad" bc they're scary and unfamiliar and create deep panic in the moment.
That moment when adult children politely knock on a door and ask gently for permission to enter!!!! It's.....proof and reason to get through the discomfort!!
Or not. I might be way off about that, but I am happy your darling boy is gaining more confidence and skills. I'm not surprised, bc he's watched you all his life. You've modeled that for him and kept him safe.
Good job, ((Tupp.)) You're a good Mother😘
Lighter
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Phew, thank, Lighter. Nodding all the way through. It definitely brings up something very intense in me, I think right now I'm going to try to just keep away from them/her, not necessarily forever, but I really want this counselling to be 'the thing' that shakes all this stuff out of me and means I can move on without it being a foreboding presence in my life anymore. I don't feel I can focus on myself completely and manage the way other people make me feel, whatever the reasons for that might be. And as I don't have to have a lot of contact with her - I can pull right back and keep my mind on other things.
I have found it very difficult to focus today, very scattered and I've found it hard to settle on anything. I'm trying very hard to keep writing down every little thing that needs doing, however small, so that I can keep going back to my list and doing something, rather than just wafting about. I've been clearing out a cupboard and I've got a whole load of things out on the sofa that I'm sorting through, some to get rid of, some to reorganise and put away again. I've just watched the cat tiptoe his way through all of it, find himself the one little comfy spot there is on the sofa and tuck himself into it. That's what I feel like I need to do at the minute, tiptoe round all the stuff and find the one little comfy spot to hide out in. It's turning out to be a funny day. There's a lot coming up that I haven't thought about in a long time. I feel like I'm doing that slow climb to the top of the roller coaster, when you know there's a moment where nothing happens and then you have no idea what the drop is going to be like. Feels a bit like that just now x
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I hope you listen to the part that wants the safe spot to rest, Tupp. She deserves that and it won't matter in 20 years that she took that rest.
Maybe she has something she needs you to know....more important than daily chores.
I'm so happy you like your T, Tupp.
Lighter
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Cheers to your inner cat, Tupp.
I'm gently disagreeing with Lighter (with big hugs to her), about imagining the right questions, however insightful, that could be asked of your dysfunctional friend, because I'm a fan of you not seeing yourself as her counselor or inviting yourself to analyse her. Takes too much of your emotional energy to spend time imagining a deep dive into or rescue of someone else right now, when you're doing real work on recusing yourself.
Right now, I think the best thing is to back away. It's about setting a wise boundary between yourself and a person whose issues trigger some of your own, imo. If it were a very close or important friendship and you were comfortable trusting her with the truth, you could tell her the truth gently: I'm sad about it but I've realized that your situation is causing me a lot of anxiety, because it triggers bad feelings in me because of things I'm working on. I do wish you the best with it all but can't be a good listener right now. I'm getting counseling now after years, and I've got to concentrate on keeping myself focused on the things I want to change for myself.
That imagined, I think it,d be wiser to retreat. If you're not listening to her stories of how she won't assert herself with her partner, you can't be upset or destabilized by them.
None of my thoughts are about judging her. Just reacting to her weather. She's stormy and rainy and you don't have the bandwidth now to run around in the wet with her. She needs counseling herself,and it's not fair to expect a friend to serve that role, which is both triggering and draining for you. Zillions of people are in this exact same dilemma, all over the globe, and that's why the lawd created therapists and counselors.
To be clear, Lighter is so perceptive in her insights. I'm just voting for you dragging your thinking and attention completely away from that friend until you no longer experience her as quicksand.
Hugs
Hops
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Thank you, both, it is much appreciated (I think that has become my stock phrase for now lol). Things have settled down in me now; I really noticed how strongly I responded to her and was trying to figure out why. Not sure I really got to the bottom of it but I am focusing on myself; I've not contacted her since and will keep my distance, although will tell her it's because I'm working on myself. Which is true; she is a good friend and I like her a lot, I don't not want to have her in my life (although from past experience I generally lose people when I prioritise myself over them but we'll see what happens). But her situation sets me off in too many ways so I'm avoiding.
Things don't feel great, I'm not sleeping well, have another cold coming and I didn't restock the elderberry syrup after the last cold so I'm hoping it won't come to much. I'm finding the realisation of how cruel and heartless my mother is hard to take. Not that I didn't know the things she's done were cruel and heartless, but I've generally taken them to be lack of awareness/self development on her part. I'm feeling more that she was deliberately cruel and heartless and enjoyed seeing us unhappy and knowing what harm she was inflicting. That's not sitting well with me. I'm also struggling not to focus on how our childhood affected my sister and how her life is now because of it. I don't want to focus on that, because I know what I'm like for avoiding my own problems by focusing on other people's, but I'm really feeling broken at times for these two little children and the empty, lonely lives we've created as adults. But I'm trying to stick to my routine and not let myself get bogged down in too much wallowing.
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Don't think you're wallowing, Tupp, just confronting the sorrow.
It's real and imo, better for you in the long run to accept the
Reality of her limits and her destructive nature as incurable.
You are on your way to wholeness now. I can't imagine how
Much she hurt and neglected you, and I'm so glad you're out
Of her reach. You deserved so much better.
I never stopped needing mothering, and still need it from myself.
Hugs
Hops
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A gentle correction if I may...
what WAS was. You now recognize you have a choice to be something more yourself. It's a creation that happens slowly, playfully, with trial and error and in baby steps. You'll probably both look back and forward at the same time - answering some "what happened" questions and asking what can now be different. Some of the things you "try on" won't feel "right"... it's OK. Simply try on something else!
We change every day, even if we don't notice those miniscule shifts. Just breathe, be today... for awhile. Relax and feel YOU. Careful not to trip over your superpower which has been waiting there!
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((Tupp)) you're stronger and ready to rescue little T, or you wouldn't be facing this now.
A bright red cardinal just flitted from Hemlock to porch, his little head cocking this way and that ...trying to see what's there.
You're learning to see what's there.....but through new lenses.
Drop judgement.
Shift into observer mode.
Accept.
Engage PNS as needed, bc darling, you can and you deserve to....with living kindness for yourself.
Little T wants you to see your mum.... remember your tools. Use them. Keep going back and trust them, bc release from your childhood suffering will be justice, imo.
You deserve to move through and out the other side.
You aren't alone. You have a T, abd you have us.🐦
Lighter
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Hopsie, do you know that this morning that I realised when it comes to 'mothering', I think where I've gone wrong with it (in relation to mothering myself), is that the sort of gentle, maternal self talk (there, there darling, it's alright kind of thing) just doesn't really do it for me. I realised I am a more practical, getting on with it sort of person, not in a being commanded way, but for me 'care' is someone saying, "yes, I know you don't feel like going out for a walk but in the long run it will make you feel better so up you get, get your shoes on, I'll come with you". I don't think I've realised that before; I can 'mother' myself in a practical way, it doesn't need to be the polar opposites of either constant criticism or nothing other than total acceptance. There's a place in between that suits me better. Hmmm. More to think about lol.
Thanks, Lighter and Skep as well. I've been trying today to have a dialogue between the external me, who wants to protect and prevent harm, and the internal me, who doesn't really have a voice and just gets sort of shushed away if she trys to peek her head out. One example I wanted to run past you all, to see if it makes sense (!) is this:
Our bathroom needs decorating. I've stripped half the paper off the walls but it's been in this half done state for months now, as I haven't had another free afternoon to get the rest of it done. There also comes after that an argument with the landlord to get it replastered so it can be painted ( they've already refused once, I've had advice from a housing organisation and now need to go back to them quoting this, that and something else. It's a pain) It could also do with a good clean and it's kind of disorganised as we don't have any real storage beyond a few basic bits, as I didn't want to start putting things on walls that will need to come down again to replaster and decorate. So in essence, it's a mess, and because it's a bathroom, I'm in and out of it all day long so I'm constantly reminded it's a mess and it needs sorting out.
So my external thought to it is that the condition it's in shows I'm slovenly and lazy. That's the way I would perceive someone else looking at it would think of me if they saw it. But when I sat and thought about it internally - what does it really mean, what does it really show? (and it took a while, I find it hard to tap in to that 'who I really am' stuff), I thought, actually, the reason it's not done is because I'm exhausted, unsupported, my priorities change not just daily but through the day, as I respond and adapt depending on my son's needs and, where possible, my own, the thought of having to argue with the landlord to get the work done really puts me off sorting it out and most days I don't have an uninterrupted chunk of two to three hours to work on it.
Now none of those internal thoughts are unreasonable, are they? Because I've never had them before. I always feel like anything I haven't done is a reflection of 'fault' on my part, in some way. But now I'm thinking, no, it shows I've got no help, I prioritise my son, and myself most of the time, over the house because we are more important, and how my energy levels are low - not to mention how many houses we've lived in now that we've had to move out of again after I've spent time and energy making them better.
I'm carrying on with it through the day, I'd be interested in other's thoughts? I'm looking through what I've written this morning and it's honestly like I've got two completely different people living in my head. No wonder I'm always tired. I don't know whether to laugh or cry really.
I'm just editing because it's getting worse and I sometimes feel so angry that I don't notice this stuff about myself sooner. Why don't I see it? I want to blooming slap myself sometimes.
I went into the kitchen and it's similar to the bathroom - it needs decorating, I haven't cleaned the windows since the storm so they're still dirty, the whole room could do with a good clean, there are dishes that need washing, there's a blind in the corner waiting to go up on the window and again, it shows I'm slovenly, lazy, can't be bothered. Have sat and had a think trying to tap into the 'internal' me, and do you know what I didn't even notice? What didn't even register in my mind at all? The loaf of bread on the side that I baked yesterday, the cupcakes I made for my son because they're his favourites. The meal planners up on the wall that I use to make my son nice dinners that don't cost too much and avoid waste, the charts I've got up for him that show what food is in season and when, the utensils that are all arranged so they're easy for him to get to, the recipe cards that I've written out by hand in a way that he can follow more easily, the lists on the doors so that he can see what we need to buy when we go shopping and add to it if he sees we're getting low. I paid no attention to the view from my window of what was a very overgrown garden when we moved in and is now cut back and tidy, full of birds enjoying their breakfast, borders on to another garden of a neighbour who is nice to me, the cat who we took in, full of fleas, worms and ticks, anxious and skinny, who is now lounging around like lord of the manor, getting a bit on the chubby side and who is up to date with all his treatments and vaccines. Why didn't I see any of that? Why have I never seen any of that? It's all there, just as much as the walls that need painting and the blind that needs putting up, so why do I see those and not everything else? Blooming hell. I need to give my own head a wobble. Right. I'm carrying on, I won't come back with an update for each room though lol. I feel like I need to go back to bed! Lol
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Tupp, you're a genius orchestrator if your son's life, but you're not omnipotent and all powerful. You can't do everything, so you've chosen to prioritize your son.
I'm glad you found the perspective to see the entire field, bc it must have been so hard to notice only what was undone while judging and beating yourself up about it.
I did want to add.....it helps me to validate little L......
"Of course you feel that way, you're entitled and those feelings belong," rather than the "there, there darling, it's all right," bc it's not all right.
Little T has justified outrage and it's scary, but she'll feel so much better if she can just get it all out.
Loving, nonjudgmental kindness is your friend and you deserve it. Compassion is your stolen birthright. Reclaim it....extend it often, if imperfectly...build that pathway strong.
I love seeing your garden, kitty and home through your eyes, (((Tupp. ))) All the mindful accommodations for your son's best life.
Makes me feel better about my two bathrooms in need of renovation. There's wallpaper ripped down in one, if I'm being honest....and I've done three huge renovations and helped my brother on a small renovation. It's difficult to keep all that in focus, at once, without judgement, IME. Difficult to find enough distance to see the entire field, yup yup yup.
Lighter
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Well, Tupp...
That blind in the kitchen is "work in progress"; so is the bathroom. I tend to take my time with design ideas - and allow myself to change my mind if something better or pleasing or easier comes up. It took both Hol & I a year to get the studio space mostly redecorated. Still have the powder room to do - but we've identified a quick & easy "motivational" trick for us, that will also let us get on with finalizing the working space of the room.
Stripping wallpaper is physically taxing but mentally monotonous. But that's a great time to see your space in a new way and think about how you would LIKE your storage to work in there. What's easy and practical and tidy. Baths tend to be small rooms so the plastering should go pretty quickly - once you address the obstacle of who's responsible. And yes, I think a solid paint scheme will make the room feel a little bigger; same if you storage - shelves, dressers, cabinets are the same color (or a similar tone) as your paint.
Then I would add a little quirky charm in curtains, rugs & towels. Maybe as you transform that room - you can also silence that inner critic some more!
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I GOTTA go before Pup eats me but just want to say....
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing you offering this sane and KIND counter-observation to your compulsive inner critic. That boring bitch has lived in your head long enough.
Oh yay. This is beautiful.
hugs
Hops
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Hi, Tupp:
I'm suggesting checking out
THERAPY IN A NUTSHELL, How To Turn On The Parasympathetic Nervous System to calm Anxiety video, bc it explains so many things I try to say, but more succinctly, imo.
Just Google it and take a look if you're in the mood to mine for coping strategies, in the moment.
I wrote 2 long responses, but they were lost. I hope this goes through. I'm thinking of you, dear.
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter, I will have a look for that. Things are fairly steady at the moment but I want to be well practised for the next time something happens so I'll practise while all is well!
Have some posts vanished? I thought I'd written more but can't remember now. May have imagined it.
Anyhoo. Have realised over the weekend that my sister is a carbon copy of my mum and it's scared the crap out of me, to be honest. I've had inklings of it over the years but knowing the hell she had to grow up with, I've always seen her more as 'traumatised so can't help it' rather than anything else. But I'm pretty certain she is deliberately worsening the health problems of two of her kids, and I'm pretty certain she's doing it to claim disability benefits - which ironically is what she and my mum (falsely) accused me of doing to my son. I know the benefit system very well because of my own son, and I know the reality of their conditions (including hers) don't entitle them to the level of benefit they're receiving. What's worse, in my opinion, is that the eldest child is over 18, so any fraud would be attributed to her, even though she's doing it at her mother's behest. A vehicle was provided through the disability scheme for the eldest one, there are strict conditions to claiming one and having one (we have one, so again I know through personal experience), and one of those is that it's used for the benefit of the disabled person and no-one else. My sister uses it as her own personal vehicle all the time, the child it's actually for rarely leaves the house. There are a number of very simple self help methods she's been told by various medical professionals to employ for all three of them - very simple, lose some weight, go swimming, get up in the morning so you see some daylight instead of lying in the dark for days at a time - she refuses to do any of them, including those for the children. She's made a number of claims to me about disability provision in their area which again, through my own experiences, would be illegal if true. I've checked the websites of two sports centres she claims are inaccessible; both are not only fully accessible, one actually offers free swimming for children so she wouldn't even need to pay to take them. But she doesn't. She's constantly requesting more medication for the teenager; I've had mental health problems for all of my adult life and I've never taken the quantities of meds she's insisting her daughter needs. Her kids are all bright, intelligent and have so much potential and she's destroying them. I genuinely think she can't bare to see them do well, the same as our mother couldn't with us. I feel really disgusted and appalled by her as well.
I'm not willing to abandon the kids. I'm aware how much it's stuck with me that no-one cared enough about me as a child to even bother to keep in touch, so I'm doing what I can to keep in contact with them independently of her. The oldest one is very enmeshed, as I was with my own mother, so I'm not doing anything confrontational, just chit chat and dropping hints that I hope she might pick up on (such as how much better I feel now the days are getting longer) and hoping that if I maintain contact with them, it at least means they've got some contact with someone outside of that bubble and if the time comes they do want to get out, they've got at least one person who can help them. I feel furious with my sister and with myself, for being reluctant to see it sooner.
Like my mum, she's very vague and there's no real proof so there's nothing official I can do - plus if I did report her, it would tip her off and then I'd have no contact with the kids at all. Her story changes constantly; I was reading back through old text messages and, like my mum, she lies about things she doesn't need to, never takes responsibility for anything and changes her story about what's going on all the time. How ironic that they constructed an entirely false narrative about me that was believed and acted upon in the most damaging way, and now I see that reality playing out before me there isn't enough evidence to do anything about it. When she talks it's all about how everyone else's problems affect her, rather than what she's doing about any of it (other than screaming at doctors and constantly having rows with reception staff - again, this is my mother all over). I really can't stand her but want to be around for the kids so I guess I'm playing the long game with it all. Definitely keeping her at arm's length though, she's poisonous.
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Whoo boy, Tupp.
I guess I'm trying to figure out...
what CAN Tupp do?
You're going through old conversations and texts, verifying facts, and documenting, enough to know.....with all your experience...
you can't prove what you know. You can't stop your sister from harming her children and collecting benefits.
About the car, your sister would simply say she's doing things for that DD....or whatever she'd have to say. In any case .... that's more proof sis is gaming the system, imo. It's not something you need to act on....not sure, but seems that way to me.
You're doing what you can .....reaching out to the kids, staying neutral/safe and available, if and when, they need you.
That's enough. It has to be, bc beating your head against the wall accomplishes nothing. Well, it tears you down and makes you less responsive and able to respond in the best possible way to help the kiddos, IME.
You're not a superhero. You're a seasoned, competent warrior and I know you'll do everything you can do.
Just don't forget to accept the truth, finish accessing options, then put the story on the shelf once all actions are acted upon.
It's crucial to calm your brain & body, over and over, so you're strong, rested and able to act, should it be required, IME.
Release outcome, Tupp. Drill down on facts.
Your POV continues to expand, imo. What will it show you next, I wonder?
Lighter
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I'm sorry for the disappointment in your sister's moral character, (((((Tupp)))).
That really hits hard.
But NOT becoming the one to "fix it" (either positively or negatively) is the one and only way to stay potentially in relationship to the kids. AND YOU'VE ALREADY FIGURED IT OUT.
Just as you've done with various toxic or draining friends.
No drama needed. Sane Tupp is in charge of you, and Son, and doing what you believe is right in your own life. Analyzing sis isn't worth your peace or precious time.
Toxic people, relatives or anyone, become boring. And, truly Tupp, by now the anchor of biology needs to lift off you fully. You're driving the boat of your life, and your peace. You don't need to welcome an angry walrus on board. You don't need to placate her or lie or pretend to her, because she's biological.
It's not fair that life hasn't given you a healthy, honest, supportive bio family. But there's no way in heck that you can reverse-engineer one.
I have an empty gorge where I used to think some form of family would always be. And where my Dad, in spirit, does remain. But I know that no-family emptiness. It's still a fact of my life, the way weather is. But it's no longer causing bleeding grief or anger. Part of my reality in the world, is all. I'd rather continue with my very small chosen family, knowing I can gradually still add a few new members as friends, if the sun shines.
And if it doesn't, I'll get a second dog. J/K!
big hugs,
Hops
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I think you were ready for that thing to shift and move, ((Tupp.))
Rest.
Trust it's gone.
Hmmmm....
Reading your post brought on an imperative....to add some EMDR to my time with Whirlie...brought it up like a lightbulb turning on. Not sure why, but I'm looking forward to it🐦
Lighter
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Ah you got back in, Hops! Well done on your re-entry to the online world lol.
Thank you, both. I'm staying on my own path but the similarities between her and my mum are blowing my brain; it does make me wonder how much of this is genetic and if I just got lucky that particular gene isn't too strong in me.
I cancelled a get together we had planned; I won't go through all the details but it had been arranged so that I could spend time with the kids, lots of calls back and forth due to school holiday dates, access visits with their dad, hospital appointments (them and us) and so on, plus the distance to travel and so on. So has taken quite some time to arrange, finally got it all organised and was then told oh actually, child one has this on that day, child two has so and so, etc. This is exactly the sort of thing my mum would do. So I've cancelled that altogether.
Contacted all the kids last night separately, just day to day chat, how was school, do you still have to sit next to that annoying girl, have you started thinking about Easter yet, those sort of everyday questions. Woke up this morning to very nice message from my sis with some links to things she thought I might like (summer clothes etc). She rarely contacts me and if she does it's usually because she wants something and never considers anything I might like/want (in the form of sending links) and again, this is exactly what my mum would do - she's not the centre of attention (because I've contacted the kids independently) and more importantly, not in control, so its a charm offensive to get me back to asking her how the kids are instead of asking them myself.
I've realised I've made the same excuses for her that I always did for my mum - she had an abusive childhood, she doesn't have support, there's not a lot of money. But all of those apply to me, too, and I've worked my bits and pieces off to try to break the cycle and stop all of that affecting my son as well. So it's kids only from now on.
I was thinking yesterday about trying to shift my mindset away from 'dealing with my problems', and to think more about people who inspire me. Ordinary people, not famous ones, but people I've known who've done something really good with their situations - started a business with their redundancy money, moved abroad to give their kids a better life, someone I know who's battled addiction for years is working as an addiction counsellor now. And I realised that I still keep focusing on people who don't inspire me. I focus on people who frustrate me because they don't work to solve their own problems. Isn't that silly? Anyway, it was just another thing I noticed. Something else to move the mind in a different direction.
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I'll bet you've run across a lot of inspiring people Tupp. I've had a lot of teachers in that category, that went the little bit extra mile - either in understanding me, kindness, or encouragement (coaching). The odd stranger that made an immediate impact on what I was feeling at that time (I still kinda smile & think those might some kind of apprentice angels). There are more!
A stranger who bought a lot of crafty items from me, who encouraged me to pursue art school.
My stepdad who taught me a LOT of mechanical & historical/political history... coz he had roles in it... even though I was a "girl"
A whole coven of strong women who gave me examples (counter to society) to emulate.
You're right; we should tell those stories and celebrate them.
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There have been people, Skep, and a lot of them very 'ordinary', but they do/did those little things that make a difference. Sometimes not till a lot later on, when you look back and realise how valuable a conversation was or a favour that someone did you. I've had so many bad things that they've obliterated the good bits so I'm trying to rejig that in my mind now and focus on people who do problem solve and/or make the best of what they've got. I feel like my life has been derailed by others and I need to pull myself on to my own track now.
Days are getting longer which is a real blessing so I want to make the most of that over the next few months. Bulbs starting to come up in the garden, buds on the trees. Still lots to do indoors but even that is easier during daylight hours.
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Do you grow your own cooking herbs? Most of them will do well (with just watering) in 6 inch pots. If you do, think about adding 2-3 chamomile plants. Chamomile tea is an excellent calming tea and very gentle. It's also good for stomach upsets. Just harvest the flowers (a large fork is useful) and dry them.
A low oven, 125-200 degrees F, will dry them quickly. Honey & lemon are good additions to the tea.
With delicate things, like parsley, I just spread the harvest on a paper towel out of direct sun and let it air dry. Paper bags over woody stems (like lavender - another aromatherapy calming herb) then hung out of the light with flowers down, will dry in about 6-8 weeks. And lavender just smells so good fresh or dried anyway! It's a bit of sensory joy to run you hands over the flowers.
I'll bet you probably have local herbalists around your area, too. They'll know what grows well locally. Scotland is probably more damp & rainier (on a regular basis) than my area is so the herbs won't take much watering. And herbs in general, aren't picky about soil or need fertilizer.
Pick a few for cooking that you'll use all next winter & a few for teas, sachets, etc. A hobby like this can be ALL about "self care".
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Do you grow your own cooking herbs? Most of them will do well (with just watering) in 6 inch pots. If you do, think about adding 2-3 chamomile plants. Chamomile tea is an excellent calming tea and very gentle. It's also good for stomach upsets. Just harvest the flowers (a large fork is useful) and dry them.
A low oven, 125-200 degrees F, will dry them quickly. Honey & lemon are good additions to the tea.
With delicate things, like parsley, I just spread the harvest on a paper towel out of direct sun and let it air dry. Paper bags over woody stems (like lavender - another aromatherapy calming herb) then hung out of the light with flowers down, will dry in about 6-8 weeks. And lavender just smells so good fresh or dried anyway! It's a bit of sensory joy to run you hands over the flowers.
I'll bet you probably have local herbalists around your area, too. They'll know what grows well locally. Scotland is probably more damp & rainier (on a regular basis) than my area is so the herbs won't take much watering. And herbs in general, aren't picky about soil or need fertilizer.
Pick a few for cooking that you'll use all next winter & a few for teas, sachets, etc. A hobby like this can be ALL about "self care".
All good tips, Skep, not doing too much of that sort of thing just now as other things taking priority but do like to pick up what I can when we're wandering about - nettles, dandelion leaves, hawthorns, rosehips, wild garlic and so on. We get loads of Fireweed growing out the back of ours - do you have that in your neck of the woods? I've read you can dry the leaves and make tea but haven't tried that yet. Love drying lavender around the house; one of my 'things' I want for the bathroom once everything's done is one of those old apothecary chests with various home made potions and dried 'things' for adding to the bath once in a while :) Always more plans than action with me lol. Not grown parsley before, I find I do well with things like basil and rosemary, will add more over time.
In other news, am on the waiting list for a private therapist but have had another appointment through from the charity (free therapy) with a different therapist. From her blurb online she seems more up my street and the appointment's quite soon so will give that a try and see how it goes.
Have a feeling my sister's kids have been told not to correspond. Suddenly gone very quiet and replies have gone from easy and chatty to one or two word answers or emojis. May be reading too much in to it but anyway, I will try to keep lines of communication open with them if possible but I'm keeping my distance from my sister. Unrelated news, but do feel the regular swimming and abstinence from caffeine has helped with my PMT/period misery. Definitely easier this month and less disruptive so hopefully on the right track with that.
Weather has been alternating between glorious sunshine one day and crazy storm weather the next. Gotta love the Scottish weather. Went to the beach on a wet and windy day to blow the cobwebs out. Vet has said big lazy cat is getting too big and lazy so instructions to cut portion sizes and play more. He's happy with the play, not with the smaller meals!
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For some reason, I find the herbs are more about pleasure than work. (The usefulness is a plus!) Which is probably why my veggie garden is a dreaded chore (in my attitude). And knowing I can make medicines from the herbs appeals to my "mad scientist" inner child.
There is still something "not right" with my dirt or the location of my garden. B has been really helpful keeping it tilled up and soft; knocking down the waist high weeds, too! I think I might change up how I lay out the plants this year; see how that goes. And I'm adding a couple raised beds (closer to the house) for carrots & salad stuff - I still have to watch for/chase deer but it's easier.
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Our weather has been stormy then, then freezing, then windy, then sunny and warm, then snow again yesterday morning, then sunny and whatever it is today. I hope warm!!! Crazy, and fires too.
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I feel the urge to be in everyone's garden, smelling turned soil and vicariously thrilled at your plans!
If you're unfamiliar, there's a WONDERFUL easy plan for compact, easy-reach veggie gardens (flowers also welcome) called Square Foot Gardening. It's just so SMART.
Happy early spring, y'all.
hugs
Hops
PS Tupp, great news on T progress. I'm elated you're choosing to find an intentional ally IRL, 3-D! I know it can take a while or sometimes a false start or two, all depends on the chemistry. But if anybody can persevere toward an important goal in growth, it's you. Just remember you are the consumer with complete choice.
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Hi everybody,
Well, I've started doing EFT on myself at home and I'm finding it tiring but helpful.
I tried it years ago, along with so many other things, and didn't find it useful, so haven't bothered with it since. However, I was in the charity shop on Monday and a copy of 'Emotional Healing in Minutes' was for sale, so I bought it. Wasn't really sure why as I knew I wasn't a fan of EFT but something was telling me to take it home so I did. Woke up in the early hours of the morning unable to sleep again so started reading it and doing some of the exercises. It's been helpful; I do feel very tired from so much 'releasing', I think (and I'm pretty sure that stress and pressure is all that keeps me going a lot of the time - take it away and I feel like I will fall over). But it's been interesting to see how the initial problem changes into something much deeper and it's made me realise (and work on) how sad I feel that I've missed a lot of opportunities in life through being too messed up to take them and how sad I feel that I've not had someone alongside me for so much of the time. To balance that, though, I do feel glad of being single right now, as I really don't feel I'd have been able to have a healthy relationship with anybody over all these years. I think any relationship would have been unbalanced and quite dysfunctional, simply down to the fact that I don't think emotionally healthy people are drawn to people who have emotional problems (I think they quite sensibly get out fairly early on) and I've always tended to attract co-dependent types or the sort of men who want to spend money on you and then tell you what to do (neither of which are attractive propositions for me). So I'm feeling glad it's just me and I'm not stuck with someone that isn't good for me. Bit random but that's what's come up after this morning's session. Feel quite nice and relaxed.
Fairly easy day today as well, which is good as I don't feel like charging about. We're trying a sauna for the first time today, son's never used one before but he's up for giving it a go so we're trying that later. Weather is nice again although there is snow forecast for next week apparently, and it's still dropping below freezing at night.
Cat has got a girlfriend he's been bringing home with him; not sure if she's owned or not. Bit skinny and not terribly well groomed but she might just live somewhere where she's not brushed too often. Have started asking around a bit but if she doesn't appear to have a home then we might end up with two cats :)
Have kept away from my sister; friend who often drains me seems to be in a different head space now and we had a nice chat so fingers crossed that remains so. New therapist starts next week so we'll see how that one goes. Still not sure how comfortable I am with online therapy; think I would prefer to be in an office with someone and leave it all there but we'll see how it goes. Feel like I could do with a nap before we go out but no time so I'll have to hope that the sauna perks me up a bit instead of making me feel more sleepy :)
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Hopefully kitty's girlfriend has been spayed - or you'll also get to experience the joy, fascination and total mayhem of kittens!!
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Hi, Tupp.....I was disappointed with online therapy too. Eye contact is important....try to set up so you can see T's eyes, best you can. Lean in....get what you can.
About reflections on being single.....we both understand and appreciate the safety, peace and possibilities for serenity, when limiting possible chaos and worse from what my T calls "first half of life" men. Not all men live in their selfish baby/toddler/teen needs. "Second half of life men" are more evolved and one does well to remember ....
1. First halfers (FHs) don't honor women or their NOs. There's always red flags, IME, if one honors intuition and the very first signs of a FH.
2. Boundaries provide safety. Enforcing them has been more problematic for me. I'm actively working on that...more on Mindfulness thread🐦
Interestingly, T and I decided to focus on clearing energetic charge around pervasive and generational misogyny. Will, hopefully, being relief.
It's just time.
Lighter