Developing A Personality

[Hopalong]

((((((Tupp)))))), hon.
Sounds like your clarity (astonishing) pierced through a snow shelf above your head and it all came plummeting down. Sounded exhaustingly cleansing, but needed.

I'm awed by your thinking, the way you spot the nuances, the cracks, the thin places. When you can see them, you can step around them. It won't be a positive routine alone that gives you strength to find new people, imo. It'll be recognizing that little inner one, comforting her with all your kindness to self, tenderness, compassion and, soon, invitations to look, to play, to just be. With yourself. *AND around others.* Setting down the need to be on watch at all times, to take notes for future evaluation, etc. Just be with people once a week and see what happens.

You've got NO JOB to do, other than just be. The recitations of solvable problems? You can silently chat to the curious little girl inside you: "Hmm. What do you think she'll say today about it all?" And, "Do you want to say something different than usual?" Curiosity is a great friend to you, as Lighter often mentions. It means open, but not necessarily vulnerable. I imagine a puppy tilting its head. A lot. You can be curious but still as detached as much as you need to be to keep your inner peace.

You are a great person, Tupp, and your personality will evolve and change forever, even as your creative, insightful core only gets stronger. You're going to be an awesome old bat!

I know if I was next door I'd come have tea and give you an enormous hug until you squeaked uhhhh, thanks Hops, you can [cough, can't breathe] let go now....

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw Hopsie, I can't wait to be an awesome old bat!  I think the old bat bit is already there lol.  Something definitely pinged today, I just feel - different.  I think I'd just really like to meet people through interests and hobbies now, rather than circumstances and 'support' situations.   I don't want to meet people with problems anymore, I think, or at least, not in the ways I have before.

I can see how my intense need to be liked has made me listen very earnestly to other people's problems, help them where I can and check in on them often.  My need matches theirs, I think.  But I don't want to do that anymore.  I have managed to read three quarters of a book this weekend, which has been really nice, and means I have got something I could talk about in passing with someone else.  I'd like to be able to talk to people about interesting topics and not be watching for 'signs' of anything.  Accept or issue an invitation for coffee because I find the other person interesting, not because I feel sorry for them, or because I'm just grateful to have been asked.  The next stage in the journey, I guess.

Squeaky hugs welcome, although you have to include the cat.  Lol

[Hopalong]

Great idea to find folks through shared interests. I think you'll love the process because your intellect will also be engaged. Then an easy shared laugh or finding a thinker who'd enjoy a cuppa will be so pleasant.

Just don't look for people with no problems, because everyone has some. And some have hidden losses, etc, that you don't pick up right away. It's the yesbutters that bug and drain you.

Surely, though, you (and inner Tupp) can practice NOT NOT NOT NOT trying to fix it. (Mantra: We're NOT trying fix this. I literally run that through my head.) And then distance yourself as needed when/if another vampire turns up.

I think it's wonderful to recognize how desperately (old survival behavior from Little Tupp) you lapse into being so focused on people liking you. You can now, in full faith and confidence, like yourself. (Another mantra: I like me, I like me, I like me....). I remember memorizing the statement that practically every self-help article about emotional vampires advises: "Wow. What do you think you're going to do?" In an open and curious tone. (That's friendly. Just don't add "about it?" which somehow turns it into criticism.)

Catalog your moments of peace and confidence, too. Enjoy them.

Enough of me blah-blahing and making up scripts. Writer feature, friendship bug.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Great idea to find folks through shared interests. I think you'll love the process because your intellect will also be engaged. Then an easy shared laugh or finding a thinker who'd enjoy a cuppa will be so pleasant.

Just don't look for people with no problems, because everyone has some. And some have hidden losses, etc, that you don't pick up right away. It's the yesbutters that bug and drain you.

Surely, though, you (and inner Tupp) can practice NOT NOT NOT NOT trying to fix it. (Mantra: We're NOT trying fix this. I literally run that through my head.) And then distance yourself as needed when/if another vampire turns up.

I think it's wonderful to recognize how desperately (old survival behavior from Little Tupp) you lapse into being so focused on people liking you. You can now, in full faith and confidence, like yourself. (Another mantra: I like me, I like me, I like me....). I remember memorizing the statement that practically every self-help article about emotional vampires advises: "Wow. What do you think you're going to do?" In an open and curious tone. (That's friendly. Just don't add "about it?" which somehow turns it into criticism.)

Catalog your moments of peace and confidence, too. Enjoy them.

Enough of me blah-blahing and making up scripts. Writer feature, friendship bug.

hugs
Hops

It's the not fixing that's the hurdle for me, Hopsie, I don't think I've ever existed in any other way? I genuinely can't think of a single situation in my life where I haven't prioritised other people over myself, often without them even asking me too.  It's as deeply ingrained as blinking and I think that's where my problem will lie, talking and getting to know people (and of course you're right, everyone has problems).  "What do you think you are going to do?" is the key, isn't it, because if the answer is, "well I checked with this online group and I've followed their advice, next step is to see the doctor, I've cut down on cake/drink/ciggies etc, etc", that's the key isn't it?  Are they doing something about the problem or not?  I don't think I'd feel put upon helping someone who was helping themselves, I'm just feeling dragged down now by the weight of those who, although in genuinely difficult situations, just plod along continuing to do things they know are making things worse.  That kind of baffles me.  "What do you think you're going to do?"  I need to print that on a T shirt and just flash at people lol

[Twoapenny]

I'm finding the inner work difficult.  The anger that comes up is overwhelming, particularly very early in the mornings, which is when I tend to wake up.  I've been doing cord cutting meditations, and decided to try it on different aspects of myself that I feel hold me back.  So I did one today to cut cords with the part of myself who had just been told her father had died.

I can see myself at that age, so young, with this huge news and life changing situation thrust upon me - and there is literally no-one there.  Not one person, at any stage, gave us a hug, attempted to comfort us, made an effort to spend time with us, anything.  No-one.  Not an aunt, uncle, parent, grandparent, family friend, school teacher, neighbour, nobody.  Seeing that in my mind, feeling that, my attachment problems and desperate need to be needed make sense.  My reactions to rejection make sense.  Two little girls, and no-one thought a cuddle and a trip to the swing park might help a bit.  Not even a hot drink to try to take the edge off a little.  What the f was wrong with all these people?  I know things were different back then, but surely not everyone thought a hug would be the worst thing in the world?

I've got food being delivered today; I'm trying to eat healthy so the plan is to cook ahead and prep as much as possible, fill the freezer up and then hopefully avoid the snacking and late night munching.  Might see if I can lure son out for a walk later with the promise of a hot chocolate at the end of it.  It's cold but dry.  Be better than staying indoors.  Maybe that's it, plenty of food prep and organising and then out the door for a wander and a hot drink.  Wtf is wrong with people?

[sKePTiKal]

Most of the time, those people get caught up in their own self-absorbed emotions and literally do not see anything beyond that. When they move out of that phase, they simply follow the given traditions - no matter how they feel or how the death impacts them.

Yeah, as a child it's a confusingly terrifying sensation to feel that invisible; non-existent; not important in the adult sphere. But you did find a way to cope then. It may not be as helpful now. But you DID cope and you learned that people DO need acknowledgement of their existence and feelings... maybe why you've been so "other focused"?

I dunno. But I do relate, having been in your shoes in my own life. Maybe it would help to take a little time to "further process" the complicated grief involved in your Dad's death - and show little Tupp the compassion she needed then? IMO, grief in one form or another lingers... until you've fully processed all the angles of it and that can take many years.

[lighter]

((Tupp)) cutting the cord between you and young Tupp hearing Dad died....I think she belongs and is asking to be tended to.

When you've food prepped, breathed in the outdoors and feel caught up, I wonder if some EMDR would be helpful in this situation.

You can tap into the emotions, then it the story on the shelf. 

Stay with the bodily sensations.  Find it.  Name it.  Give it a number.

This seems like a helpful place for memory reconsolidation to bring in a mother archetype.....superhero, friend, self...pick one and walk Little Tupp and sister through this loss with support, care and all the help you'd give ds.

Use EMDR....if that feels possible and right...
I like incorporating the blinks.

Remember to check your body, sensations, is the number decreasing?  Keep going.

Is the number the same or worse?  Find a neutral place in your body and focus on that while using EMDR.  Focus on the space and things around you.....peripheral vision. Sights. Sounds. Check number again.

You've done EMDR work with a T.....if you have notes, maybe check them if you feel you're up for it.

Little Tupp belongs and it's possible she'll relax and find peace if you change this experience into the one you wish she had.

Tending to her, in whatever way feels helpful, is an option.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

What was your real father like, Tupp?
Are there some good memories? Any affection?

I'm so sorry you lost him so young, and in a callous atmosphere.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, everyone, it's much appreciated.  I felt awful for about an hour and then it just evaporated.  So strange.  There's still emotion there, of course, but it's not weighing me down now.  I suppose one of the things for me is that I've done so much work on myself and on digging in to all of this that seeing my relatives as they are now (forty plus years on), none of them have changed a bit.  I know my mother would say exactly the same to me now as she did all those years ago.  My sister will say what my mother would have said.  Inside, they're all still the same.  That's probably why there's such a gulf between us.  But it's all just kind of lifted.  It's there, but now it's inside something else and tucked out of the way.  So weird.  I wish I understood all this stuff better. 

I realised this morning that my train of thought is a subtle, unvoiced criticism of myself.  I don't berate myself or talk to myself unpleasantly, but I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on.  It's that thing of never being enough.  So I've been trying to write down what I'm doing and how it benefits me, every tiny thing, to try to shift that.  And it's very tiring, only been up an hour and already exhausted from it.  But if feels like the right thing to do so I'm going to stick with it today x

[lighter]

I'm glad things seem to have shifted, Tupp. 

One helpful thing my T suggested is to identify and invite my wounded and protective parts to be my allies in processing my trauma. 

I have an appointment with T today,after a long break, btw.  It's time.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Lighter.  Today I'm wondering why people act/behave helpless when they're not?  And why it's taken me so long to stop jumping in to fix lol.  A friend has to make a journey, she's a sprained/strained ankle so currently the distance she needs to cover is not possible if she drives or walks.  There isn't public transport in that area at the right time (part of the journey can be done by train but there's no bus from the train station to the bit she needs to get to.  Normal circumstances she could walk it but with a dodgy ankle it's not possible).  I had a looooong message from her about this big situation where she has to figure out how to get from A to B with all those things in mind.  You get a taxi?  Or postpone the appointment (it's not urgent and it's easy to reschedule)?  I did start messaging back with those suggestions but then I thought, no, this isn't a problem, this is very ordinary, every day situation that is easy to deal with and doesn't require fuss or extensive thinking.  So I just said something vague like oh gosh, always something to think about and I left it there.  Ten minutes later I got a reply which said "I suppose I could get a taxi".  I guess it's the first time I've looked at it in this way, there was just no need for any of it beyond possibly getting a couple of taxi numbers in advance or maybe even pre-booking it, but it's a basic day to day activity so why the drama?  It made me sit up and take notice of myself; my immediate response was to step in but there's not even any need to.  Why create the need and why do I respond without thinking.  Just more tweaking to do.  It is weird with the phone not going, sometimes the peace is nice, sometimes it's a bit much.  The days do feel longer in the winter months; we're keeping busy but there still seem to be more pockets of time to fill.  All good though.  Have started planning/making lists for Christmas food, will start making stuff ahead now and got some nice ideas for home made decorations from the internet so I'm going to keep my evenings busy with that.  Whole weekend ahead with nothing planned or organised which is unusual for us (although nice as well!).  Cold weather due next week, minus 4 forecast so nice and brisk!  Lol

[sKePTiKal]

You seem pretty crafty, Tupp. Have you thought about learning knitting or crochet? Maybe needlepoint or cross-stitch? It's a traditional way to use time - quietly - during the winter months and to create some Christmas presents, as well. (Advice: don't start out with a whole sweater! LOL. Try something simpler instead; that won't take so long to complete and as you build on "successes"... then try something more complex.)

BTW - there are lots of resources in Scotland for this kind of hobby which introduces you to new people who tend toward the introvert side of being, until they're talking about their projects.

One year, I made 14 flannel shirts for Christmas gifts. (many years ago!)

[lighter]

Well done, Tupp.  You noticed your friend's urgency leading to your firefighter part reacting. 

Turns out, you have the choice to stop, choose a response and change that default, YES!

That's the stuff! 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

YEA!!!!!!

So very close to: Gosh, what do you think you're going to do?

So tickled to read this, Tupp. Letting your friend find her inner adult. I hear you also braving yourself for some loneliness given winter bearing down. I love Lighter's idea of handwork. In my town, there are happy groups of knitters or whateverers who have stitch-and-bitch or knitting/crocheting/whatevering circles. They just enjoy the human comfort of sitting together, teaching/helping, a little yak (less likely to be intense issues, more just companionable chat). Friendships can gradually grow.

Sounds like a safe and peaceful way to find some companionship. Wonder if there's anything like that where you live.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on.  It's that thing of never being enough.

Me too, Tupp. Oh, me too.

hugs
Hops