Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: ANewSheriff on April 05, 2006, 10:05:55 AM
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For forty years I have wrestled with a relationship with my mother. I always knew something was desperately wrong with her. Our relationship was reversed since I can remember. She has always been very dependent on men (married three times), OVERLY dramatic, a complete hypochondriac, a martyr, so selfish and self-centered I do not feel there is a word for it, and seems to live in some kind of fantasy about how life was and is. She, has not been able to hold a job for the past ten years. She is the queen of the guilt trip. For the past ten years, I have had as little interraction with her as possible because no matter what I said or did, she villainized me. I realized I was never going to win so I just quit. Emotionally, I just bugged out.
Now, I will own my part. I was a difficult child. I ran away several times and abused substances, which landed me in rehab at the young age of 19. The home I ran away from was a typical, dysfunctinal alcoholic home. I am still clean and sober today (almost 21 years). I feel blessed in my life as God surrounded me with loving, decent people with wonderful morals and ethics. I live a life with comforts far beyond my needs, have a solid marriage and great kids. In short, I felt like I had slain most of my demons. Well, so I thought.
In my efforts to "not be like my mother", I became a world-class rescuer. A couple of years ago I immediately jumped in to help a charming and vibrant woman who said she was dying of cancer. I was not alone in wanting to assist this family. An entire community jumped in. As usual, though, I went overboard. Well, let me make an incredibly long story short. It was found out that the woman was lying. She had a long history of pathological lying, mostly making up cancers, inoperable tumors, and other bizarre disorders. Only a small number of people new the truth at first, but eventually the rumors were confirmed as people's common sense told them there was no logical way someone who claimed what she claimed could be alive. These people villainize those who find them out. That is what this woman did to me. It was painful. You not only have to deal with the fact that you were used and duped, you have to deal with a character assassination, as well.
I was recommended to read "People of the Lie". I have almost finished it. This is where the lightbulb went on. My mother is a narcissist! This has a name! I feel empowered and saddened all at once. How much time I have lost? How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ? How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through??? I am sick at the thought.
I realize I need to heal this. My greatest fear, of course, is that I am carrying this on in some way. To think of my kids sitting in a forum like this in twenty years from now is unbearable. I am here to learn more. It is uncanny the name of the group because for my whole life I have essentially felt "voiceless". Not that I have not been vocal because I have. In my case the vocals all just fell on deaf ears. Denial is a powerful thing.
So, today, I declare that there is a "new sherriff in town". I need to pull it back together and get on with my life. I want to thank you all for being here. I am so grateful. I cannot see you or hear you, but knowing you are there, somewhere and I am not alone is very comforting.
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Welcome :D
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In my efforts to "not be like my mother", I became a world-class rescuer. A couple of years ago I immediately jumped in to help a charming and vibrant woman who said she was dying of cancer. I was not alone in wanting to assist this family. An entire community jumped in. As usual, though, I went overboard. Well, let me make an incredibly long story short. It was found out that the woman was lying. She had a long history of pathological lying, mostly making up cancers, inoperable tumors, and other bizarre disorders. Only a small number of people new the truth at first, but eventually the rumors were confirmed as people's common sense told them there was no logical way someone who claimed what she claimed could be alive. These people villainize those who find them out. That is what this woman did to me. It was painful. You not only have to deal with the fact that you were used and duped, you have to deal with a character assassination, as well.
So, today, I declare that there is a "new sherriff in town". I need to pull it back together and get on with my life. I want to thank you all for being here. I am so grateful. I cannot see you or hear you, but knowing you are there, somewhere and I am not alone is very comforting.
That is horrible, yet I can see how it could of happened. If I wasn't with my sister N during her doctors visits I would of thought for sure it was a lie. By sharing that I want you to know I can imagine your pain. ((()))
I'm so glad your here. I totally understand the power and strength you receive when you find out what they are actually has a name.
Blessings, seasons
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Welcome, Sherrif:
My mother is a narcissist! This has a name! I feel empowered and saddened all at once. How much time I have lost? How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ? How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through??? I am sick at the thought.
I have so much compassion for this. I went through the exact same sick shock. It really is shock. They should have special ambulances for people whose N-lightbulbs have just turned on. It's blinding at first. But then, it does eventually become simply light.
(Mine went on when I was 52...same worry for my daughter, who's got her own Nspots.)
The shock will pass, the light will prevail.
So glad you are here.
Hopalong
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I was recommended to read "People of the Lie". I have almost finished it. This is where the lightbulb went on. My mother is a narcissist! This has a name! I feel empowered and saddened all at once. How much time I have lost? How many hours and hours of my life have I wondered if it was ALL me (not that I do not share my piece) ? How many times have I sat and tried to figure this out, break through??? I am sick at the thought.
Hold on to the empowered feeling; it is very sad that you have spent so much of your life blaming yourself for these problems - but you are not a bad person. I've been in the same place... I actually had a very slow awareness of my mother as a narcissist. It was a horrible feeling realizing how twisted the world is when you have been dealing with this type of person, let alone someone that is supposed to be a nurturer and caretaker.
It looks like you are on the right path to healing yourself, tho. I wish you much luck and success.
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Thank you for all the replies and support. I am beyond grateful. I have read several sites, postings from individuals, and looked at the diagnostic criteria. I cannot see anything that does not fit as far as my mother is concerned. I feel certain that this is what is going on here. Of course, I want to be careful about labeling and diagnosing. But, it seems so very crystal clear. Suddenly, so much makes sense.
The woman who faked the cancer is obviously very, very sick. I knew that immediately, of course. But, I have hung onto the pain and anger of that for well over a year - no doubt because it did indeed strike a deeper chord in me. It has taken a tremendous toll. It is time for me to release the that to the Universe and move on.
When I read these courageous postings, I often feel as if I am reading my own story. Amazing. I suppose God brought this to me in his time. There has been something very freeing about being able to name this. There is something very cathartic about being able to wirte this and hear a validating response, as well. Today - I feel like I can breathe again. Thank you...
ANewSheriff
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Welcome, ANewSheriff! I felt a similar sense of relief and sadness when I finally figured out what my ex husband's "damage" actually was....and a great sense of awe when I found this board. I could not have known then, how important it would be to find people who had also been harmed by the liars...
I consider this place part of my healing. You certainly sound ready to claim your life back!!
Sending love and light.
Mum
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Yes, welcome ANewSherrif!
They say knowledge is power and for me.....it has helped to think of it that way.
To know......or learn this N stuff gave me the power to claim my life and my sanity back. I'm not the crazy one!!
Hallelujah!!
To understand the behaviors associated with the disorder.......gives me the power to dodge the traps, deal with them, or detach from them (often, the most useful of all responses).
To learn that others understand and know what if feels like to have such experiences and to understand their experiences ......the feelings it all generates......is powerful in that I don't feel so weak and all alone. There is a whole powerful army of us here fighting off the pain, the effects......of it all and I believe we will win the war against helplessness, victimhood, denial, deceit, betrayal, devaluation, voicelessness and the emotional hostage-like states some of us get caught up in.
There is hope here. :D Glad you found us.
:D Sela
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Seasons, Hopalong, Sugarbear, Teartracks, Mum, Stormchild, and Sela:
Thanks for your support. I have been in and out of the board reading many of your correspondences. You are all very insightful, creative, caring individuals. I will admit to still being very cautious after the experiences I had over the past couple of years. An on-line group is a bit scary. I followed Hopalong's link to the psychologist who was had once by a narcissist and then, again, by an on-line predator. Eeks! It feels safe here, though.
I have been thinking a lot about evil ("People of the Lie") and dysfunction and what is normal/healthy versus what is not. The My Lai massacre that Peck writes about intrigued me so much I did some more research. How is it that all these soldiers suddenly abandoned all their moral and ethical principles and participated in such carnage? The destruction was one thing. The cover-up was just as disturbing, though. For over a year nobody said a word - tick, tock, tick, tock - until finally somebody stepped up and drew back the curtain of deceit.
I transfer this over to the embarrassment, shame, and thus denial there is in a family with a secret. What is different about the individual who blows the whistle? Why do some people "rise above the herd" and willingly sacrifice themselves when everybody else seems content, even preferential to the status quo? How do those living with the truth justify or rationalize their lethargy?
This seems to be a panel of "truth seekers". I believe those who blow whistles, whether it be something as big as a military cover-up, announcing there is a drug addict in the family, or even something as simple as admitting, "Yes, Dear. You do look fat in those pants." are different.
I wonder how many of you not only had the pain of dealing with a very unhealthy relationship (dare I say person with a mental illness?), but also the negative consequences of being the "front man" - the one who exposed the truth. It seems that many are not only uncomfortable with, but downright opposed to reality.
ANewSheriff
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Howdy, Sherrif:
I think, unfortunately, that most whistle-blowers find that only people with sheepdog hearing want to hear them.
IOW, blowing the whistle within a dysfunctional family about the main offender's dysfunction is often a waste of breath. More often, whistle-swallowers are embedded in the play to the point that to change roles would threaten them more than relieve them. It's just too painful and destablizing for some people to change. I only woke up because my suffering forced me to. I had no skill at being numb.
I blow my whistle...but only a few folks want to hear it.
My life lesson has been to make peace with that. And also to realize that on other subjects, wise observant people are blasting trumpets in my ears that I often don't hear at all.
Hops
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Hopalong: And also to realize that on other subjects, wise observant people are blasting trumpets in my ears that I often don't hear at all.
ANewSheriff: I had to giggle reading this. I often say that if I lined up all the people who were waiting for me to change, I would break some record for the world's longest human change. I hear ya, Sistah!
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Hi ANewSherrif,
I read People of the Lie when I was going through the divorce process. It was quite a book and helped me put my finger on how I felt about some people's behavior. I guess what I got out of it was how careful we need to be of people who act with evil motives. They have no conscience, (or if they do, they ignore it), and no empathy for others' suffering.
I am blessed to have had a "best friend" my entire life--really from infancy. We haven't lived near each other for 20 years, and have only seen each other a handful of times, but still have this incredible bond. Our parents were also best friends, so we share qutie a history. We were able to visit this summer and were talking about all the craziness we've endured in our lives--with family members, and ex husbands mostly. Some of it is still going on. I thought about how all that craziness does make a person feel "soiled". As we were reminding each other of all that happened to the two of us, and the circumstances of our lives that were still fairly nuts, we experienced the gift of laughter which was very healing.
BF helped me some with dealing with my past, although it was in a different context than what we deal with in this board. It was how the past is gone, nothing can be done about it, so he always concerns himself with the present and future. I know that's not entirely true, as we need to understand the past, but we truly can do absolutely nothing about it. We can't change the family members we grew up with, we can't change past experiences in bad relationships, we can't undo any wrongs we have done or that have been done to us. All we have is right now, and a promise for the future. I've gotten to the point where I don't want "them" (those past N's in my life) to ruin any more time I have left on this earth.
I think that's why the book helped me so much. I could see that, when dealing with someone with malignant motives, nothing we can do or not do is going to change their motives. Whenever I find myself overanalyzing what I've done, I realize I'm dealing with a crazy maker, and possibly a person who fits the description of a narcissist. People with good motives, and a normal sense of empathy, don't want to make other people feel off balance, guilty, or inferior.
Gail
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we need to understand the past, but we truly can do absolutely nothing about it. We can't change the family members we grew up with, we can't change past experiences in bad relationships, we can't undo any wrongs we have done or that have been done to us. All we have is right now, and a promise for the future. I've gotten to the point where I don't want "them" (those past N's in my life) to ruin any more time I have left on this earth.
Thank you, Gail.
Hard to believe you could crank this out with all you've just been through.
What sanity.
Hops
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I transfer this over to the embarrassment, shame, and thus denial there is in a family with a secret. What is different about the individual who blows the whistle? Why do some people "rise above the herd" and willingly sacrifice themselves when everybody else seems content, even preferential to the status quo? How do those living with the truth justify or rationalize their lethargy?
I wonder how many of you not only had the pain of dealing with a very unhealthy relationship (dare I say person with a mental illness?), but also the negative consequences of being the "front man" - the one who exposed the truth. It seems that many are not only uncomfortable with, but downright opposed to reality.
ANewSheriff
Hello ANewSheriff,
As I have read and experienced over and over again, the person who carries the most pain is the one who enters therapy and tells the family secret. This is also the healthiest member of the family.
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Sallyingforth,
Thank you for that. I finished "People of the Lie" and Peck contends that it is more likely that those who are willing to endure suffering are those who are the most emotionaly healthy. I have been thinking about this a lot. I have found solace in those who have a craving for self inspection. It seems rare, though.
I have not been in therapy for years and years, but was feeling so "crazy" and invalidated that I recently came to the the conclusion I must be the one with the problem. So, I took my humility pill, pulled out my box of character defects, and called a therapist ready to go to work. I laid out everything as objectively as I was capable of. I pondered with her my most looming questions: Was I out of touch with reality? If I was in touch, then was I a troublemaker?
Well, I still have not come to a concrete answer to those questions. I am trying to be courageous and resist the urge to turn the other way and not contemplate those questions at all. My goodness, I certainly hope that I will find that I am okay.
One light I have found is that there is very likely an undiagnosed psychiatric diagnosis that has brought me such tremendous grief over the years. Knowing this is so unimaginably relieving. I am trying to keep the focus on my own recovery and healing and away from the two individuals who have created such distress for myself and others. It is very hard. I want to shift away from me and point fingers. For me, that is a not okay.
Today, I am just trying to breathe acceptance. That means not liking much of what is going on in my life, but accepting things are what they are and ceasing to continue to try and change the way that others preceive or respond to the world around them, however unhealthy and dishonest I think it is. I am in the process of letting go. It is is painful, but there is a freedom in it which I have not known before.
ANewSheriff
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I just want to commend all of you who have read books about N's and personality disorders! Keep reading, seeking, pursuing and STANDING...you will be free and able to help others who are where you used to be.
~ReallyME
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A new sheriff:
I appreciate how well you manage to put your words together. How you describe your trials and conclusions make total sense.
I don't think there is an "answer" really. Not one that fits every circumstance, anyway. We can only take care of ourselves. There is no "magic" that will take any of us away from the suffering and JOY that is being human. We go through. Not above, not around, but through. We get help, others may show us their way, but ultimately it is a singular journey, that is at once.....all of ours to make. Thanks for sharing your insights here.
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Hi ANewSheiff,
I am about in exactly the same boat as you. I have been blaming myself for 25 years for being different from my family... they must not like me because I don't have the same interests, or Because I live far away now, or because I was a bad child, or... I couldn't even think of what else to fill in. But I knew there had to be some reason my mother didn't like me and it must have been my fault.
I work a program... am in AA, and was trying to make amends and all and realizes after finding out about NPD that all I was doing was feeding her. She loves to hear how wrong I was. She thinks all children are basically rotten and annoying, so of course she didn't like me. I was a good student, went to a fabulous college, have a Master's degree, but am basically a weird person to her and someone who "always does bad things," although the things she always assumes I do are not things I have done mostly. It is so strange.
Lately I feel kind of bad for her, because she seems not to know anymore how to have her type of control with me, so she is floundering and confused. For many years, long before I knew about NPD (I just found out a few months ago), I refused to play her games. When she started crying, raging, insinuation, whatever, I walked away until she decided it wasn't effective and for the most part stopped doing it. She always tries once or twice to engage me if I am around her, but she usually backs off. And fortunately, I have a father who does not buy into her little fantasies about my supposed behaior, so at least I have been able to have half the sef esteem I should have had.
At any rate, I wish I knew the answer for you, but I don't. I am working through it one day at a time and trying not to hold resentments (so hard to do!!!).
Take care and let us know how things are going.
Love, Beth
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gratitude28:
I work a program... am in AA, and was trying to make amends and all and realizes after finding out about NPD that all I was doing was feeding her. She loves to hear how wrong I was.
I also had this experience with my mother years and years ago. Looking back it is so very clear, but at the time I was simply baffled. I just did not possess the skill or information to know how to wrap my mind around her seeming to gloat over my humbling confession.
The past year was a boot-camp of sorts, though. Today, I realize she does not possess the ability to empathize or care for others except for herself. My freedom has been awareness and "awayness".
ANewSheriff
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I have the advantage of living far away. She always complains about that, but when we are there, she is always upset, especially if I pay any attention to my father. She quickly finds a way to start crying about something (last time it was because I told her she was never happy with the temperature... something she always says about herself jokingly.) She ran out of thee restaurant crying and sniveling. Every time I go to visit, if I say I would like to visit a childhood friend (Lord knows there are few enough of them), she starts screaming that I didn't even go there to visit them and why did I bother.
I don't know. I go back there this summer. I want my kids to see my dad and all. And I just don't want my children to ever know how I feel abut all this and what she's actually like. I want them to feel life is happy and normal, which they do. My parents tore apart my grandparents in front of me every day... I always wanted to ask them, "How would you feel if I said this about you to others???"
I think it helps a lot just to get all of this out and see what I have a hand in and what was truly beyond my control. I am still working on separating all that out. I did write a journal listing and detailing all the things I could remember which I am sure came from the NPD. It felt great to get it out. I haven't reread. Probably never will, but it made me feel sane to see so much and know it was real and I was not a bad person.
Love, Beth
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Beth,
Your story sounds long and complicated. One thing you mention is that your father is supportive and nurturing. I understand your efforts to want to maintain some kind of relationship for your kids and your father. This makes it pretty tough for you.
Luckily, being in recovery has given you tools that you can apply to this situation. You are indeed powerless over your mother and her actions. The serenity prayer gives you the mindset to keep your focus on the only person you can change in the relationship - you and your reactions to your mother.
What a frustrating path for you and your family. You mentioned your father is somewhat aware of your mother's problems. Does he talk openly about this with you? Do you have any advocates in this family? I sure hope so. I understand all too well the pain of being the lone vocalist. In my case, once I realized I was fighting a losing battle I settled down and just shut up. It was then that others began to find their own voices. Family dynamics are so interesting.
I am so glad you are here. I look forward to sharing your journey with you.
ANewSheriff
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Hi ANewSheriff,
I have actually been discussing what to do about my father with my husband. In a way, my parents have some sort of relationship that works for them. My father had a horrible role model for a mother and I am not sure he has any idea what normal is, although he is a good and kind mane (if a bit authoritarion at times... truly a normal kind of annoying parent, ya know?). He adores my children and that hurts me, because I would love for them to get to see him more. So, my point is, if I tell him what I know, it may answer some of his questions about my mother as he has seemed to be as puzzled as I was by her reactions to things and by her general demeanor. But on the other hand, will I hurt their realtionship? Should I just stay out of it?
I do say the serenity prayer more than you can imagine. Unfortunately, when I was really angry for a bit, I was saying it through clenched teeth. My mother offended me terribly a month or so ago, and it took me a while to shake it off. And I know I can't afford to be angry, but I was having a hard time with it.
Do you say prayers for your family? I try to, but that is hard for me as well. I was told to wish for them what I would want for myself.
I need to get some work done. Will check in later.
Love, Beth
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Beth:
So, my point is, if I tell him what I know, it may answer some of his questions about my mother as he has seemed to be as puzzled as I was by her reactions to things and by her general demeanor.
Beth, my gut reaction to this is to share the information with him in a gentle way. If you feel truly safe with your father and feel that there is mutual trust, it might be healing for both of you.
You might simply tell him that you have been struggling with your relationship with your mother for a long time, chose to seek out some answers about the family dynamics, and found some information that seems to make sense to you. You might ask him, "Dad, I wonder if you might want to hear what I have found out and help me to make some kind of sense as to how this applies to us."
Beth:Do you say prayers for your family?
Yes, I do say prayers for my family. Like you, they are not always sincere and heartfelt. I admit this and ask for help with my resentments and judgmentalness, and inability to forgive. Sometimes, it is almost as if I can hear a chuckle in reponse - like, are you kidding me? You think you will get off that easy? Have you heard the saying, "If you ask God for patience he is going to put you in a long line."? Sometimes I wonder if my life is akin to a situation comedy in another realm.
ANewSheriff
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Beth,
I'd like to give my unasked-for opinion on something here. It's only my opinion and I will own it as that. If I was talking about my beliefs or the Bible, I would say this is truth, but this is just my view of things here:
The very WORST thing you can do as a parent, is to shield your children from knowing the truth about narcissism and who is one. Let them be made aware early on, that everyone is not the sweet person they pretend to be. Let them be forewarned and forarmed. My opinion is that the more you try and pretend all is well, the more damage is done in the long run. Let them be informed and aware so they can recognize the signs and avoid those types of toxic people in life.
~ReallyME
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ReallyMe,
My kids are 5 and 7 right now. I know that they will figure things out in a bit. I was so amazed (before I knew about NPD) about how my mother acted with them when she came to visit. She liked them if they were being cute, but she showed absolutely no love for them just for being her grandchildren. I couldn't understand it at the time. They don't feel it yet. I am always with them and I love them more than the moon and the starts. I would not leave them alone with her. She would probably not be mean, but I can remember so many instances in my childhood when she did not supervise us at all. I almost drowned at 5 because she thought I was playing, my sister ran out into the road as a baby, we spent hours and hours on back roads biking or fishing in the woods and she had no idea where we were... and I know I wasn't more than 10 or 11 then. She just did her thing and we did what we wanted as long as we didn't bother her too much.
At any rate, recently she wrote a letter to my son after he sent her an email and she said she expected him to write to her once a week and talk about what was going on in his life, etc. I responded (and copied my dad) that it was very challenging for a 7-year-old to write even a short letter as he does it all by himself and that I was sure he could write a bit more, but would be unable to write the amount she requested. My son knew I was upset about it... so yes, he does get some idea. Do you really think I could explain this to them at such a young age? Don't you think they will see it as they get older?
ANewSheriff,
I have read some of your other posts as well, and I think we are related. My dad is also a functioning alcoholic. I was thinking of presenting things along the lines of what you suggested.l Being that he is an intellignet person, he must wonder some of the same things I wondered for so long. I couldn't understand how my mother could have such a vague memory that she couldn't remember the simplest conversation or directions to anything and yet she can answer every single question on Jeopardy. How did she have opinions about current events when she didn't even know what they were about? And... speaking of that... my fatehr is her "authority figure." So that was another thing I was worried about.
It is all so hard, but I am happy that I can start to understand my life more. ANd the program helps me deal with this all so much better. I don't think I could have handled all this without it.
Thanks y'all and so sorry to write another long-winded post!!!!
Love, Beth
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This past Tuesday my mom called me at 8:15am. She was very rude. Wanted to know why I didn't call her etc. I been away, she knew it, but hadn't called her yet. For I was tired from a long trip. I told her before I went that was going somewhere an its was a secert. Mind you this is my mom, she asked me were was I going, told her nothing, she got mad. And when I came back she asked me again, never saying Hi how are you or just glad, She never say anything good to me. Always talking down at me. I'm an adult,shouldn't be treated this way. Don't need to sign in or out with anyone. My mom is very controlling.I'm receiving help in this situation. At the end of the conversion, she said I won't call you anymore, because I didn't give her the information she wanted.She hung up on me,I felt rejected by my own mom, just because of this phone call. How stupid is that? She has controlled me all my life and realizing that no how a mom should be.
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gratitude28: Do you really think I could explain this to them at such a young age? Don't you think they will see it as they get older?
When it comes to the whole idea of "sheltering" children, I'd be the last one and the worst one to talk to. 3 of my daughters watched their sisters being born, for instance. Some people consider that to be damaging to a child, yet my girls are good, Godly, responsible citizens and they trust me, because I never shielded them in any way, other than the necessary protective ones. I also never lied to them about Santa Clause, the Easter bunny, etc. I remember how FURIOUS I was with my mother in 6th grade, because I had to find out by being made fun of, that Santa Claus was never real. I just plain think it's cruel to do to children. My opinion.
So, yes, I really do think you can explain it to them. My daughter is 7, and when I tell her "I do not like your Aunt, because she tried to take you away from me," she fully understands that. I also have told my husband's relatives, that my children do not HAVE to like them, hug them, nor laugh at their perverted jokes. My children are being raised to eventually think for themselves without me being there. I do not live my life vicariously through any of my 4 daughters and I get angry when I meet parents who do that. It's cruel, it's crippling and it's not the way God intended raising children to be. period.
~ReallyME
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Hi cwings,
You don't have to answer your mom. That is very cruel and childish behavior on her part. If she were to just say, "Oh, I wanted to know where you are going in case something happnes," or "Wow, I am glad you are going somewhere... where do you plan to go?" then I am sure you would give her a normal response. People on this site and other sites have helped me "correct" the conversations that I have to understand what a normal conversation with a loving parent would be like. We can't expect to have that kind of conversation, but, as one of my dear friends said, knowing about NPD, we won't be surprised by anything that the person says...
Your mom is playing a little power struggle game... much like parents with little children who try to force them to do things their way instead of showing them how to do things for themselves. Since you are an adult, in her sick mind she fears that she no longer has any way to control you. As ANewSheriff pointed out, the N becomes bewildered and acts out when they don't know how to maintain that control they once had.
Good luck to you and keep posting!!!
Love, Beth
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Beth: Your mom is playing a little power struggle game... much like parents with little children who try to force them to do things their way instead of showing them how to do things for themselves. Since you are an adult, in her sick mind she fears that she no longer has any way to control you. As ANewSheriff pointed out, the N becomes bewildered and acts out when they don't know how to maintain that control they once had.
Good luck to you and keep posting!!!
Hi. As CW's mentor, I am going to comment here. Beth, you are right on target! Cw needs to realize that her "mother" never acted like one to begin with, first of all. Secondly, she responded for the very reasons you mentioned, the way she did. Thirdly, It has been all about control for this woman for YEARS! I have suggested to people I counsel, to view their hearts and lives as a "bank"...and to ask themselves, "What is being deposited by this? What is being withdrawn? Can I afford to have these withdrawls taking place as often as they are?" The IDEAL situation, would be for there to be ALL DEPOSITS from the mother, but in reality, I think most of us know that with an N, the only deposits that are made, will be only if we are KISSIN BUTT and doing things exactly how THEY want them...of course, then again, we really can't ever find out what that WAY is, cause we never seem to "measure up"
Thanks Beth. Good job and very accurate :)
~ReallyME
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You are really sweet, ReallyME.
I am making tons of 'deposits' with my kids ;)
They are the lights and love of my life. We can make a difference with them so that they never have to feel what we felt.
Love, Beth