Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: visitor on May 09, 2006, 11:47:36 PM
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Have anyone here dealt with rejection issues? I don't mean the fear of rejection everyone has occasionally. I mean constant fear of rejection triggered by the slightest thing. My fear of rejection is really a phobia. It affects the very core of who I am on a daily basis. This phobia that I regular succumb to thwarts my creative capacity in thoughts and words. I don't have any lasting and deep relationships because of it, I feel. I had this problem since I was a child. I have not grown out of it, and fear it will continue to hold me back from expanding emotionally and intellectually. I know there is a way to not let fear of rejection consume me and to stop it dead in it tracks when it is planted in my thoughts. I just don't know how.
Are there any good books out there that you recommend on this topic?
Thanks for listening.
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Yes. It is amazing how hard we are on ourselves, imho. Rejection is very painful and can stop us from connecting like you mentioned.
I believe even as a phobia with help and support you can find self-love. I noticed when I started talking to myself, ya know silently,
I'm not so bad and replaced them with truths.
I think it starts from within, excepting ourselves, not rejecting our inner-self first and the rest will follow.
Sorry I'm not at my best tonight. I wanted to say hello and I hear and understand your pain and wish you the best finding the right answers to a happy heart.
Are you seeing a T? If not that may be a great source of help for you.
Welcome, seasons
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Welcome, Visitor.
Have you talked to a therapist about this?
I do think Pema Chodron books might help you.
But therapy too...
An old book I read many years ago made a deep impression: Dibs in Search of Self.
I think you are searching for a self. Once you see it, feel it, build it, then you have a primary relationship with yourself. If you don't reject yourself, then the passing rejections that happen to EVERYONE at different times in life won't shatter you.
Just a few sleepy thoughts, I hope some little help to you.
A little starter exercise could be to give yourself a name here.
Hopalong
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HI and welcome. Well, maybe this is a good place to start. Hopalong's idea of having a name/id. more than "visitor" might be one way to begin. And fun, and non threatening as well.
And I echo Hops' idea of reading Pema Chodron. Her writings have helped me many times through the years. The first book I read was "Start where you are". An appropriate title for this conversation, no?
Also, I would agree that finding a therapist that you feel safe with, can develop trust with, will be most helpful. It was to me.
A good therapist will help you examine what these things that trouble you are all about, and in doing so, help you develop coping mechanisms, or even skills to help you change them.
When I realized how my 'stuff' came to be/ what my core beliefs were that led me down this path of helplessness.....it became easier to step away from it, and be the observer of my life for a change.... in doing so, I could make a choice as to what to hang on to, and what was no longer productive for me. Plus, I learned some skills for managing the old issues, either self created or otherwise, that still come up for me (and will until I die, I suppose).
I know the struggle with giving up seniority over your life. I did this most of my life. Everyone else mattered more than me. What they thought of me mattered much more than what I thought of me. And so I didn't think much of myself, as everyone else is really percieving life through their own experience.... Only I can know my own experience and truth. If I think I am worth a closer look, that is.
Take some time....give yourself some kudos for braving into this, and some compassion for simply being human and fallible, and maybe some faith in yourself....that you will figure this out, that life is good and the universe is conspiring to help you be happy....allow it. You can be powerful AND a good person, you know.
Sending love and light.
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Hi
This phobia that I regular succumb to thwarts my creative capacity in thoughts and words.
Do you mean: it stops your thinking and speaking? When you are with others, and/or when you are alone?
If it is when you are alone....that sounds like a self-acceptance topic...(who is rejecting who? Internal voices telling you you’re worthless?)
If only with other people...what are the reasons you give yourself that they might reject you for your words and thoughts? (Other people are not our parents/siblings etc but we expect other people to treat us how our family did maybe - can you match what certain people trigger in you, with attributes of your family members?)
Books: gosh! I don't know. It depends! Okay I'll have a go with what helps me (missing out the N books):
Currently just finishing: "They F*** you up, how to survive family life" by Oliver James (UK psychologist, heavily favours nurture over nature) published 2002 Bloomsbury *the title is from the Philip Larkin poem* I love this book, it explains why some people are high achievers, how mental illnesses develop etc...very readable, clear.
"Beyond Fear" Dorothy Rowe tackles all levels and types of fear, including fear of fear. Incisive, rational. "Time on our side" is also a fear-buster, puts things into perspective, although perspective might be depressing if you dwell on it too much, hopelessly and with pain (a bit of delusion is healthy).
"The Book of the Die" Luke Rheinhart for a bit of serious fun. Mixes zen thoughts with psychology and everyday non-sense. For example:
“But don’t try to justify your action as well-informed or rational. Acknowledge that you’re uninformed and that your mind is feeding you a basketful of lies, but that’s what life is all about”
“The man who fights himself always carries around a lot of sore losers”
* the Philip Larkin poem is here. If you don’t like the F word, don’t read it. But you’ll miss a great poem! :D It’s the first one: ‘This Be The Verse’ http://www.mrbauld.com/larkpms2.html
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Hello visitor :D
A book that i have recently found to be extremely helpful with this issue is 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz. (It was recommended by someone on here, so if they are reading this, many thanks to them). The second agreement has to do with not taking anything personally. In childhood, he says, we are trained to take things personally, to feel responsible for another's opinion of us and to feel guilty and bad if their opinion of us is a negative one. In reality, it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them and their world. In therapy terms, it's a projection.
I've found this very helpful indeed. I used to be extremely rejection-sensitive and would certainly never ask anyone to do anything in case they said no. Recently I set myself a challenge - I play bridge, and I was short of partners so i decided to ask people to play with me. The results have been very strange in that people I thought were quite unpromising have turned out to like playing with me, and others I thought would be ok have turned out not to be. And yes, I've had a couple of rejections, and it's really hurt for a while. But it's survivable, and I just keep telling myself it has nothing to do with me - which I genuinely believe now. Well, nearly all the time :wink:
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visitor,
In my personal experience, the rejection issue stems from "disappointed expectations" and not being able to keep something or someone "constant"...in other words, actually a fear of "loss of control."
The book I use when I counsel and also just for keeping myself balanced, is "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. I also like "Self Matters" by Dr Phil.
Laura
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Welcome to the board, Visitor:
I am sorry you are having such difficulty in this area. I wonder if you might consider speaking to a professional as well as seeking support such as a group like this. Perhaps you could be experiencing a social anxiety disorder that would greatly benefit from medication and/or therapy.
Thank you for sharing this and I hope you will keep us posted on your progress and learning.
ANewSheriff
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I have found rejection to be the longest lasting of traumas and one which gets triggered even now.
What level is this affecting you on?
Are you able to meet people, initiate conversations with strangers and have relationships?
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I don't know why but this thread just came into my head (in the middle of dinner, goodness knows why) and I remembered that bunny mentioned a thing that her therapist said that made a big impact on her at the time (why do I remember these things??). It was:
Other people aren't thinking about you as much as you imagine
or something similar. In other words, everyone isn't waiting just to criticise, judge, blame, condemn, laugh at, belittle or generally abuse you. No! :D 99.9% of people (I leave a margin of error) are thinking about .....themselves. Our favourite topic. We all do it. It's natural.
Maybe that will help? Gotta wash up...bye for today :)
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Thanks to those who responded. It is much appreciated. And thanks for the book recommendations.
everyone isn't waiting just to criticise, judge, blame, condemn, laugh at, belittle or generally abuse you. No! Very Happy 99.9% of people (I leave a margin of error) are thinking about .....themselves. Our favourite topic. We all do it. It's natural.
I agree with you. I often find myself thinking and worrying about my own feelings that I often don't consider what others may be thinking at the moment. I think deep down, it is not about worrying whether others are not thinking highly of me or accepting me, rather, it is about me rejecting myself 99.9 % of the time. I think down to the very core of myself, I already rejected my thoughts, my ideas, myself. And my fear that others may be rejecting me is only a distractor from the real issue.
the Philip Larkin poem is here.
His poem on parental influence resonates with my own past experience. Looking back at my teenage years of the parental discord b/w my parents and how that had inpacted me, I now regret I didn't get out of the situation sooner. I guess I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to live in that kind of environment.
Are you able to meet people, initiate conversations with strangers and have relationships?
Yes. I usually don't have a problem initiating conversations with strangers, as long as I sense a lack of rejection on their part. When I sense their lack of interest in me, than I feel uncomfortable talking and consumed with anxiety. And the capacity to which I am able to expand on my thoughts and creativity get suppressed.
In my personal experience, the rejection issue stems from "disappointed expectations" and not being able to keep something or someone "constant"...in other words, actually a fear of "loss of control."
After thinking about that for a while, I do agree with you on it. For me I often think highly of people, perhaps too highly. In the long run, I usually get disappointed by them. I think the problem wasn't that the person had disappointment me, rather, my high expectation of them was not sustained. Therefore I deeply feel disappointed and even hurt. I think it would be better for me to always have low expectations of people when I first meet them. After having gotten to know them better, my expectation can increase. However, if I start off with a high expectation of people, then most likely I will get disappointed eventaully. B/c the only direction for up is down. I think it is emotionally easier to increase one's expectations of others than to decrease one's expectation. The former brings emotional connection, the latter brings disappointment, imo.
And yes, I've had a couple of rejections, and it's really hurt for a while. But it's survivable, and I just keep telling myself it has nothing to do with me
Thanks for the reminder. I needed to hear it. But it is almost impossible for me to not let the rejection affect me when it is me who is rejecting myself.
give yourself some kudos for braving into this, and some compassion for simply being human and fallible, and maybe some faith in yourself....that you will figure this out, that life is good and the universe is conspiring to help you be happy....allow it.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Yesterday, I met someone who had helped me realized how little I've experienced life. It was my first time meeting this person. But through the course of our conversation, he made many insightful comments about me. I couldn't believe how accurate he was. It was as if God sent someone to help me look at the reality of my life with more clarity than ever before.
I've read many books over the years, but none has impacted me enough to change me from the inside out. I come to believe that experience is the best teacher. Often times, it is the only teacher. I am 30 years-old, but I feel that I've lived far less years than that with the culmination of my life experience. It is because I was afraid to take risks, to push myself beyond what I am comfortable and familiar with, to stretch myself....all because I fear rejection, but I think in reality I rejected myself. This person whom I met, even without knowing my past, could discern that I did't have an array of long term relationship because I fear emotional pain. That could also explain why my life experience has been very limited in depth and breadth. I've never put the two together, but I think he was right.
Thanks for listening.
Grace
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When I sense their lack of interest in me, than I feel uncomfortable talking and consumed with anxiety. And the capacity to which I am able to expand on my thoughts and creativity get suppressed.
I think that's only natural: why talk to someone in depth who is not really listening or interested.
I wouldn't either.
But I probably wouldn't take it personally...not everyone is going to be interested in me.
Is there a current lack of relationships in your life where you can expand on things and be creative?
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For me I often think highly of people, perhaps too highly. In the long run, I usually get disappointed by them. I think the problem wasn't that the person had disappointment me, rather, my high expectation of them was not sustained. Therefore I deeply feel disappointed and even hurt.
This is so interesting. I think I have often had too high of expectations of people, but I never connected it with my feelings of rejection. That makes so much sense. And that gives me something to work with. If I think people are really rejecting me, there is nothing I can do to fix it, you know, make them want me. But I can certainly correct my too high expectations. I also have had too high expectations of myself.
Yesterday, I met someone who had helped me realized how little I've experienced life. It was my first time meeting this person. But through the course of our conversation, he made many insightful comments about me. I couldn't believe how accurate he was. It was as if God sent someone to help me look at the reality of my life with more clarity than ever before.
I've read many books over the years, but none has impacted me enough to change me from the inside out. I come to believe that experience is the best teacher. Often times, it is the only teacher. I am 30 years-old, but I feel that I've lived far less years than that with the culmination of my life experience. It is because I was afraid to take risks, to push myself beyond what I am comfortable and familiar with, to stretch myself....all because I fear rejection, but I think in reality I rejected myself. This person whom I met, even without knowing my past, could discern that I did't have an array of long term relationship because I fear emotional pain. That could also explain why my life experience has been very limited in depth and breadth. I've never put the two together, but I think he was right.
Don't feel too bad, Grace888, about the lack of experience at your age--I'll be 45 in a few weeks! And I'm now dealing with similar discoveries about myself and how I have participated in my own lack of experience of real life. Parts of me might be only 18 years old, at least it feels that way sometimes. I also believe that I have skipped right over a lot of important knowledge because of fear of rejection which led to fear of participating as much as I wanted to. But I keep telling myself, better late than never. I know people who never understand this concept and never try to grow and change.
Anyway, I'm glad you met this person. It is a real gift sometimes to meet someone with the insight or something else special that can help you change your life. I've met a few people the last few years who had a major impact on me. Sometimes it was painful for awhile for various reasons. But it seems it was meaningful to have met certain people at certain times, times when I was receptive possibly.
Thanks for posting.
Pennyplant
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Hi again, Grace (nice name!)
I am very impressed with your insight and willingness to openly consider every possible reason suggested and question posed. You are clearly a very intelligent young woman, so I think your insecurity will eventually yield to a calm and centered self...
Have you thought about enlisting a wise and compassionate therapist as your ally in this work?
Warm wishes,
Hopalong
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Hi Grace,
I just wrote you a long reply and then I got curious about this person you met. So I’ll keep the reply back and just ask: did you meet this person by accident, did you expect him to talk about you? What is he like? If you want to say! Thanks, P
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I just wrote you a long reply and then I got curious about this person you met. So I’ll keep the reply back and just ask: did you meet this person by accident, did you expect him to talk about you? What is he like?
I wonder what you wrote in your long reply. This person whom I mentioned was a friend of my friend. My friend had invited him over to her house as I was there too. We all hung out together for the day. So you can say that I met him unintentionally and did not expect to carry on a long conversation about life with him at all. My ititial impression of him was quite low. I initially thought he was a lunatic and was not impress with his persona. I even commented to my friend right in front of him, "why didn't you warn me of this weirdo beforehand?!" He literally spoke his mind without reservation. I was taken back by his bluntness at first. I think his intention of causing me to create a low expectation of him initially was so that overtime, my expectation of him would increase. The only direction from bottom is up, right? I thought he was quite a clever fella in doing this. I feel that I learned a lot from him and has more to learn. Of course, he probably didn't realize how much I've benefitted from my conversation with him.
Have you thought about enlisting a wise and compassionate therapist as your ally in this work?
I thought about it often, but never made a resolute decision on it yet. Haven't found one that I am sold out on. But I am open to the idea.
I think I have often had too high of expectations of people, but I never connected it with my feelings of rejection. That makes so much sense. And that gives me something to work with. But I can certainly correct my too high expectations. I also have had too high expectations of myself.
I've never have made that association before myself. In my case I normally have low expectations of myself. That is why I could never understand why I can't overcome my social anxiety and fear of rejection mentality. Deep down I know I have a capacity to be creative and thought-provoking. But somehow that capacity always gets suppressed and thwarted when I am interacting with people and sometimes just being by myself. It is that pervasive failure that regularly cast a spell over me that ruins my mood and feelings of myself and of others and makes me hold back. Now, I feel that I have a better understanding of this villain. I can see clearer this subconscious connection between low expectation of myself and having too high an expectation of others. I was giving too much credit to others and not enough credit to me. Without realizing it, I was creating an unbalance view of myself and the other person. There was no equilibrium between the two forces. Now, I feel it needs to be the other way around...have a high expectation of myself and low expectation of others( and keep it in constant check and balance)...in regards to what they can do to meet my needs, make me feel loved or accepted, happy, etc. I feel this will give me more a balanced, less distorted view of myself and of others, and will help me reduce my social anxiety level and fear of rejection. For me, this is a new way of thinking and a big realm to explore. I feel like I've only scratched the surface. This guy I met doesn't realize how much his comment on the topic of expectations has impacted my thinking.
If I think people are really rejecting me, there is nothing I can do to fix it, you know, make them want me.
I hear ya! When you said this, it made me think of the idea of ever wanting but never receiving. Or just never filled. That has been the story of my life. All I ever want is for people to accept me at all times. However, that approach created constant fear of rejection. It is as if my vessel has a hole on the bottom of it. No matter how much was poured into it, it didn't last. Of course, everybody wants and needs acceptance. In my case, I approached it in a futile and ineffective way.
But I probably wouldn't take it personally...not everyone is going to be interested in me.
I'm glad you are able to disassociate yourself from the lack of interest from others. I've not been able to do that yet. And I think it is b/c I associate with other people losing interesting in me as a personal failure on my part. "What is unappealing about me or what did I do that made them lose interest in me?" That has been my line of reasoning. And I think that goes back to having low expectations of myself and too high expectations of others. I think they are wonderful and I'm terrible mentality. If I didn't think they were wonderful from the start and thought to myself that I am a wonderful person regardless if others find me interesting or not, then I wouldn't be bent out of shape from them not showing interest in me. I wouldn't feel like a personal failure or have a fear of rejection, b/c I would have thought to myself, they must have personal issues that is why they are critical, inconsiderate, unenthused of me. Their lack of interest just comes to show me they are human just like me. And I would just brush it off me, undevastated. I would actually have more of an accepting spirit toward them, I think.
Anyway, I'm glad you met this person. It is a real gift sometimes to meet someone with the insight or something else special that can help you change your life.
It sure is!
Grace
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Hi Grace,
Regarding your comments about levels of expectation for ourselves and others--I do have very high expectations of myself as far as I really beat myself up if I fail or goof or whatever. Way more hard on myself than I would be on others for the same mistakes. I somehow think I have to be perfect and of course I never am!!
My high expectations of others have to do with my imagination. I can take a little knowledge about a person and fill in the blanks with: they must be so happy, so much fun, have a good home life, interesting things to do, manage their money better, raise their children better, and on and on. I imagine that I can't measure up. Then when this wonderful person isn't all that into me, I imagine what the logical reasons for this must be. I'm no good, not fun enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. Rejection!
Now I see how completely ridiculous all of it is. Leftover stuff from childhood (not enough love or attention growing up). Very immature and simplistic thinking, well childlike thinking that became a bad habit if you think about it. Laziness on my part--wanting answers about complex issues to be simple and they never really are.
As a side note--my first impression of my husband was similar to your first impression of the guy who has had such an impact on you. I didn't necessarily think he was a lunatic! But he wouldn't look at me at first. Didn't do a thing to impress me. I didn't feel any spark at first and thought he was yet another person who wasn't going to work out for me. By the end of the evening my mind was completely changed around. He slowly warmed up and showed his sense of humor, sense of fairness, good manners, and he seemed so happy every time he looked at me (once he finally started doing that). We were 17 when we met and now we're 45 (well, I will be in a few weeks).
I'm beginning to think that those people who bowl us over right away are the very ones we should say good-bye to right off the bat. Don't those charming narcissists often come on strong and just blow us away--only to blow us off later on? The people who I have liked the best over the years were often the ones who were cautious or quiet at first.
This is very helpful, Grace. Lots to think about.
Pennyplant
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I think that goes back to having low expectations of myself and too high expectations of others.
the high expectations for yourself are obvious- you want to be so interesting that everyone without exception is going to love you. Which is a high expectation to have of people who don't know you well yet too.
If I didn't think they were wonderful from the start and thought to myself that I am a wonderful person regardless if others find me interesting or not, then I wouldn't be bent out of shape from them not showing interest in me.
what makes you think they are not showing interest?
Most friendships are a process, rather than an instantaneous connection
( in fact- I've found since I did therapy those instantaneous connections hardly happen any more, which is good because they were all unhealthy extensions of a relationship I'd been doing since I was four...)
This is a great website based on Albert Ellis and RationalEmotiveBehaviourTherapy
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup1.htm
eg.
The 12 Self-defeating beliefs
I need love and approval from those significant to me, and I must avoid disapproval from any source.
To feel happy and be worthwhile I must achieve, succeed at whatever I do, and make no mistakes.
People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.
Things must be the way I want them to be, otherwise life will be intolerable.
My unhappiness is caused by things which are outside my control, so there is little I can do to feel any better.
I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening, otherwise they might happen.
I can be happier by avoiding life’s difficulties, unpleasantness and responsibilities.
Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.
Events in my past are the cause of my problems, and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviours now.
I should become upset when other people have problems and feel unhappy when they’re sad.
I shouldn’t have to feel discomfort and pain. I can’t stand them and must avoid them at all costs.
Every problem should have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one can’t be found.
Of course I don't know much about your past and what rejections you have had to damage you or make you feel bad about yourself, but you seem interesting to me!
So what did you do to arouse and maintain my interest? You talked a bit about yourself, asked my opinion, listened, responded to my response...same with the other people. But even building up a dialogue not everyone becomes close, relationships are on all different levels, and some do seem to blow hot and cold sometimes...
What about your current relationships? Do you feel you have people who accept you and love you, also people you can talk to about mutual interests?
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Hi Write,
I think I've spent much of my life operating under these 12 Self-Defeating Beliefs. Written out like this, it is so obvious how counterproductive this thinking is. I think even my parents operated under many of these beliefs and my husband's parents too. Boy, it does help to see it written out like this.
I still have to wonder HOW it is that some families just do not think this way at all. They seem to have 12 opposite beliefs. I wonder how the belief systems get handed out to begin with. Just generation after generation? Or do certain time periods in history generate more families with self-defeating beliefs? It just boggles my mind.
I suppose the source isn't important or discoverable but I do wonder about it. I can think of people I've met with similar personalities to me and yet they believe in themselves and I haven't believed in myself for so long. At least now I think it is true that I can LEARN to believe in myself.
Thanks for the list, Write.
Pennyplant
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WRITE The 12 self defeating beliefs and the 12 rational alternatives are a wonder so clear like the clearest pool of water thank you!
Nice having such a smart neighbor in LALALAND :D :D :D
Love and Light
Moon
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look at the rest of the websit- it really is the best website for these ideas
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel1.htm
eg.
Distorting reality: Seven ways to misinterpret what is happening
We constantly interpret what goes on around us — what others do or say, events we observe, and things we read in the newspaper or see on TV. We also interpret things that have happened in the past, or which may happen in the future. In addition, we interpret our own actions, and even the physical sensations and emotional changes happening inside us.
By interpreting, I mean that we draw conclusions about what we think is happening. Sometimes our interpretations are correct, but often they are wrong.
Seven ways to get things wrong
Psychiatrist Aaron Beck has studied and listed the ways people can get things out of perspective. His research shows that our feelings are in proportion to how we describe events and situations, rather than to the actual intensity of those things themselves. The main ways in which we can misinterpret things that happen, adapted from Dr Beck’s list, are presented here.
Black-and-white thinking
People often see things in extremes, with no middle ground — good or bad, perfect versus useless, success or failure, right against wrong, moral versus immoral, and so on. By doing this, they miss the reality that things rarely are one way or the other but usually somewhere in-between. In other words, there are shades of grey. Another name for this distortion is all-or-nothing thinking. It involves self-talk like:
‘If it’s not perfect, then it’s useless.’
‘If you don’t love me, then you must hate me.’
‘Either I succeed, or I’m a total failure.’
‘If I mess up this part, I may as well give up the whole thing.’
Filtering
If you tend to see all the things that are wrong but ignore the positives, then you are filtering. Here are some examples:
‘I can’t see anything good about my situation.’
‘I don’t have any good points.’
‘There’s no hope.’
‘All I get is pain.’
Do you ever find yourself seeing all that’s going wrong in your life but ignoring the things that are going right? It’s easy to take the positives for granted because they are part of everyday life. What about, for instance, the fact that you are capable of reading this book? What other positives can you bring to mind that are so basic you wouldn’t normally be conscious of them?
Overgeneralising
People often build up one thing about themselves or their circumstances and end up thinking that it represents the whole situation or happens all the time, or is part of a never-ending pattern. For example:
‘Everything’s going wrong.’
‘Nothing I do ever turns out right.’
‘I’ll always be a failure.’
‘There’s no hope.’
Mind-reading
There are various ways in which we can jump to a conclusion without enough evidence. One of these is mind-reading — making guesses about what other people are thinking:
‘She ignored me on purpose.’
‘You don’t really love me.’
‘They think I’m boring.’
‘You’re only saying that because . . . ‘
Fortune-telling
Another way of jumping to a conclusion is to treat beliefs about the future as though they were realities rather than just predictions:
‘I’ll be depressed for ever.’
‘I’ll never get another job.’
‘Things can only get worse.’
Emotional reasoning
Yet another way to leap to a conclusion is to tell yourself that because you feel a certain way, this is how it really is:
‘I feel like a failure, so I must be one.’
‘If I’m angry, you must have done something to make me so.’
‘I wouldn’t be worrying if there wasn’t something to worry about.’
‘Because I feel unattractive, I must be.’
Emotional reasoning can, for example, keep you thinking anger is ‘justified’, sustain a vicious circle of self-downing, or make worrying feed on itself.
Personalising
You can also jump to a conclusion by thinking that something is directly connected with you:
‘Everyone is looking at me.’
‘That criticism was meant for me.’
‘It must have been me that made her feel bad.’
‘He didn’t return my greeting. What did I do?’
Personalising can make you feel self-conscious, guilty, or responsible for events you may not have caused — including other people’s problems and emotions.
Keeping in touch with reality
How can you stop distorting reality?
For a start, catch yourself doing it. Know the cues to watch for: looking at things in extremes, only seeing negatives, building up the bad points in a situation (be it past, present or future), ‘reading’ other people’s minds, predicting the future, assuming that what you feel is reality, and relating everything back to yourself.
Watch especially for rigid thinking. When you find yourself resisting other ways of viewing something, this could be a sign that you are locking yourself into a narrowed, distorted viewpoint.
Stop using words which exaggerate — like always, forever, totally, all, everything, everybody, nothing, nobody, never and the like.
Get things back into balance — by looking for the side of the picture you have been filtering out. Make a list, for example, of the positives and the negatives. If you cannot find both, you know you are distorting reality. Few things are either one way or the other — so keep listing.
Develop the habit of sticking to the facts — as far as you can unearth them. When you think you might be jumping to conclusions, ask yourself, ‘What evidence do I have for assuming this? Is it the most likely explanation for the facts available? Are there any others which may be just as valid?’
If you are worrying about something, rate the chances of it happening on a scale of, say, 0–100 per cent. Being this specific will help you clarify vague predictions.
Finally, if it is possible, check out your interpretation of something you are concerned about and see how it compares with reality.
Getting things back into perspective
Take a look at the list of typical distortions below. Alongside each, to show ‘in-perspective’ thinking, is a more realistic alternative.
Distorted thinking Realistic thinking
I’m a total failure. I failed this time.
Everything’s wrong. I’m facing some problems at present.
It’s got to be done perfectly or not at all. I’d prefer to get it just right, but less than perfect will do.
This is totally wrong. I disagree with some aspects of this.
She made me angry. I don’t like what she did, but I made myself angry by the way I viewed it.
She did it because she hates me. I don’t know why she did it. There’s more than one possible explanation.
Everyone will think I’m stupid. Some people may be critical of me.
I’ll never be happy again. Sure, things aren’t so good now. But how do I know what the future holds?
All I get is pain. I get a lot of pain. But there are also some good things that happen — if I’d only be prepared to notice them.
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure just what is going on. You won’t always have enough information to be certain. But it is important to at least recognise that there may be more than one way to interpret a given situation. By doing so you can avoid jumping to erroneous and possibly harmful conclusions.
That could be the best way to avoid distorting reality: retain a healthy scepticism about it.
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In your case Grace, if you have feelings of strong rejection, this could help you get to the bottom of why.
My rejection issue has a lot to do with my growing up years.
My high expectations of others have to do with my imagination. I can take a little knowledge about a person and fill in the blanks with: they must be so happy, so much fun, have a good home life, interesting things to do, manage their money better, raise their children better, and on and on. I imagine that I can't measure up. Then when this wonderful person isn't all that into me, I imagine what the logical reasons for this must be. I'm no good, not fun enough, not interesting enough, not attractive enough, and on and on. Rejection!
I resonate much with what you said.
Grace and Truth! Thanks for this, it is very very wise.
Grace, truth, and hope. They keep me trucking along. :)
It is all too easy for me to think that, "Aha, I finally get it! Now, I know what I need to do. This is it, it will work." Just to find out from a real life situation debunking my newly discovered theory. It is frustrating, discouraging, and disappointing for me to find out once again the conclusion I draw about myself is not accurate. Yet, at the same time, I've learn something new from the experience. And that is the redeeming quality that gives me hope to not give up in the process of learning and discovering.
I feel that for me, it's great to learn all about things that have helped others through their struggles. But for me, I come to believe that my problem is not lack of knowledge or resources I expose myself to, it is something else. For me, as I see in myself, it is this distorted perception I have of others that leads to all kinds of emotional stuggles for me and holding me back from seeing myself and others clearly and thus irelating to people on a meaningful level. At this point in my thinking, my mind is not fully convinced yet that others are not better off than me. Intellectually, I know that no one is better than anyone else, they may appear that way. This thought has not gotten down to my subconscious yet. I believe that is the level that real permanent change starts to take place and solidifies. I only start to feel inadequate about myself when I perceive the person I encounter have what I want
and secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.) It doesn't matter if the person is a stranger, acquiantance, or friend. However, I don't feel this way( inadequate) with people whom I perceive as not having what I want. I want to learn how to see people for who they are, and learn to convince myself that they don't have what I need afterall. Nobody does. That there is no need to feel inadequate or threatened by them. When I can see people as people, then I believe, I will no longer have a need to gain their approval or fear their rejection. How do I learn to see people for who they are and not the illusion of what they can offer me to meet my needs? I think if I can learn the correct techniques, I will reach a milestone in my life.
Has anything worked for anyone in this area?
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What about your current friendships and relationships?
How do they feel? What is happening there?
You can't look at some smoke and mirrors future to exact change- only what currently is, and what is going or feeling wrong.
What exactly is happening in your life in the now?
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At this point in my thinking, my mind is not fully convinced yet that others are not better off than me. Intellectually, I know that no one is better than anyone else, they may appear that way. This thought has not gotten down to my subconscious yet. I believe that is the level that real permanent change starts to take place and solidifies. I only start to feel inadequate about myself when I perceive the person I encounter have what I want
and secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.) It doesn't matter if the person is a stranger, acquiantance, or friend. However, I don't feel this way( inadequate) with people whom I perceive as not having what I want. I want to learn how to see people for who they are, and learn to convince myself that they don't have what I need afterall. Nobody does. That there is no need to feel inadequate or threatened by them. When I can see people as people, then I believe, I will no longer have a need to gain their approval or fear their rejection. How do I learn to see people for who they are and not the illusion of what they can offer me to meet my needs? I think if I can learn the correct techniques, I will reach a milestone in my life.
Has anything worked for anyone in this area?
Oh Grace, this is so me, it's scary. This is exactly my pattern.
And this is where I'm at with it. Even though I'm zeroing in on the other person when I feel this way, I believe the entire answer is within myself. I believe that I need to see myself as a person and then the rest will follow. I have been looking to others to supply what is either missing in me or, what is more likely, the parts of me that I have misplaced or submerged over the years. I am the puzzle that needs solving.
This is no easier than finding out what the other people are really like. I am just as mysterious to myself as if I were a stranger. Just as confusing.
Techniques? I foresee much trial and error. Plus, I'm a little lazy. So, some things I think I should be doing because I think I will learn important things about myself--well I'm not doing them yet. For example, paying attention to my dreams; in fact, I should be writing them down. Instead, I try to remember the most vivid events, characters, and colors and mull it over in the morning. Journaling and then reading it back to myself over and over again. I've been real lax on that lately.
The thing I am doing consistantly, however, is slowing way down and paying attention to how I feel when something happens that bothers me. I have always been a very reactive, responsive person, making snap judgments and acting rashly. That doesn't give anyone enough time to understand what process is motivating me. It doesn't give me enough time to really know how I feel. I am sure this sounds so basic and like kindergarten. But I am completely serious. I spent my entire childhood under stress and in survival mode. Tense and alert all the time. Trying to control my environment. My feelings and opinions got submerged under all that. If I don't go back to the beginning and learn my own feelings, then I might as well give it up and just keep acting out of habit. And flying off the handle. I want to discover me the way I finally learned to discover my children. Once I discover me and am comfortable with me, then other people are next.
I am not isolating myself. But I have shifted my gaze inward as much as possible without being completely self-preoccupied.
I don't want to compare any more. I don't want to imagine any more. I think I will probably still get hurt. But it might not be so devastating once I know I am complete and can understand my own emotions and accept them. At some point I will decide I am good enough and complete enough.
Grace, the other people here probably have a completely different take on this. I am going in this direction because I believe that it is something I have fought against all my life and there must be a reason for that. Plus, all the worrying and comparing just hasn't worked. Fighting against jealousy based on my perceptions of others--I'd rather just get rid of jealousy in the first place. If I'm satisfied with me and my life, then there won't be much reason for jealousy anymore.
I think this might be the opposite of what you asked for. But I wanted to respond because your ideas are so familiar to me and, while I'm possibly going in a different direction than you, I think I'm operating from a similar point of view. That is not something I run into very often! It's kind of nice.
I would like to know what you think is working for you so far.
Pennyplant
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Hi Grace,
I have a thought...just an intuition, subject to error.
I wonder if you might consider (you very likely may have already, but if you haven't...) throwing yourself into some core altruism at least once a week. And the sort where you are helping the neediest of the needy, such as helping the homeless by serving them meals at a soup kitchen (and sitting to eat with them), working in a battered women's shelter, tutoring (one on one) or mentoring a very poor child, serving as a CASA volunteer (not sure the intials are the same everywhere, but it's serving as a court advocate for an abused child...most communities train these volunteers), or helping regularlly on a Habitat for Humanity home...
I just have a feeling that engaged in a common service, a lot of the barriers might break down in you.
Side by side. Rejection issues tend to fade when you are drawn out of yourself in those kinds of activities...personal contact with the recipient/s is the most important thing for personal transformation (as opposed to stuffing envelopes, for example).
Hops
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secretly wish for (confidence, assertiveness, poise, ability to connect with people, etc.)
Concrete examples might help? Would you like to be: Hilary Clinton, Condy Rice, Sigourney Weaver, Joan Rivers, Martha whats-her-name Stewart? The over-confident home-making weirdo, her, disorder on a (very pretty) plate.
Mother Theresa probably had these qualities in bucket-loads?
The word ‘poise’ is interesting to me. What does it mean to you?
What has worked for me is not seeing the veneer of a person’s image but being interested enough to find out about them, asking questions, or reading about them (biographies etc) and realising that….we’re pretty much all the same underneath. So much is surface image. The person who appears supremely confident can be seen fiddling with their jacket cuffs – a sure sign of nervousness (Tony Blair does this often). And if you find out about ‘successful’ people, what’s interesting is that their confidence and success can be driven by huge egos and zero self-worth. Over confidence = often gross insecurity I think. So many successful people are driven by deficiencies.
Write I’ve been thoroughly appreciating that website. Thanks!
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Well, I'm answering the part about "secretly wish for"
I'm already like a Judge Judy, Hillary Clinton type of personality, so I'd have to say that I'm working toward being more benevolent, kind, merciful, like a Mother Theresa sort of person who somene who is more gentle-spirited than I am. My first tendency is to be tough, in-yer-face, stand-my-ground, and thankfully, my spiritual Mom (mentor), is helping to balance me in that...she is a true example of meekness, and a sweet, kind, forgiving, gentle spirit.
In my family, "meekness= weakness" My bio father was seen as weak because he was so kind to everyone, whereas my bio mother is considered successful because she is a "go-getter" type of person.
I just realized that! Wow, thanks for this topic. I love new revelations :)
ReallyME
Laura
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Concrete examples might help? Would you like to be: Hilary Clinton, Condy Rice, Sigourney Weaver, Joan Rivers, Martha whats-her-name Stewart? The over-confident home-making weirdo, her, disorder on a (very pretty) plate.
I luv your description of Martha Stewart. It gave me a good chuckle. :D
The word ‘poise’ is interesting to me. What does it mean to you?
What I mean by poise is the ability to stay calm, confident and resolute in the midst of emotional triggers.
throwing yourself into some core altruism at least once a week.
Recently, I've started volunteering on a weekly basis as an ESL tutor.
This is no easier than finding out what the other people are really like. I am just as mysterious to myself as if I were a stranger. Just as confusing.
Boy, I too, feel mysterious and many times a stranger to my own feelings and what's going on inside my head. I think I feel a stranger to myself to a certain degree b/c when I was growing up I felt ashame of my own unhappy feelings, emotional needs and desires. I never went to anyone for help or talk about it b/c of this shame I felt.
The thing I am doing consistantly, however, is slowing way down and paying attention to how I feel when something happens that bothers me. I have always been a very reactive, responsive person, making snap judgments and acting rashly. That doesn't give anyone enough time to understand what process is motivating me. It doesn't give me enough time to really know how I feel. I am sure this sounds so basic and like kindergarten. But I am completely serious. I spent my entire childhood under stress and in survival mode. Tense and alert all the time. Trying to control my environment. My feelings and opinions got submerged under all that. If I don't go back to the beginning and learn my own feelings, then I might as well give it up and just keep acting out of habit. And flying off the handle. I want to discover me the way I finally learned to discover my children. Once I discover me and am comfortable with me, then other people are next.
Sometimes, I also find myself to be very reactive, respond before weighing my thoughts carefully. I usually regret doing that at the end of the night, but I still find myself doing that.
I am going in this direction because I believe that it is something I have fought against all my life and there must be a reason for that. Plus, all the worrying and comparing just hasn't worked. Fighting against jealousy based on my perceptions of others--I'd rather just get rid of jealousy in the first place. If I'm satisfied with me and my life, then there won't be much reason for jealousy anymore.
I feel like I have a veil over my face everytime I meet a new day. This veil prevents me from seeing myself and others clearly.
But I wanted to respond because your ideas are so familiar to me and, while I'm possibly going in a different direction than you, I think I'm operating from a similar point of view. That is not something I run into very often! It's kind of nice.
Most of the things you've shared about yourself are very familiar to me as well. I don't feel so alone with my thoughts and experiences. Thank you!!!
I would like to know what you think is working for you so far.
What is working for me so far is having a forum where I can write my thoughts and be heard. Having a forum that allows me to roam freely with my thought process and build upon them really helps a lot. Getting feedbacks is a double blessing for me. Making myself do things I normally wouldn't do helps me push the envelope. It is one of my goals to find a mentor who would be willing to come alongside of me and offer me new perspective on things. Perhaps the guy I met would be a good candidate. That would be such a wonderful gift for me. I like your idea of writing down descriptions of your dreams soon after. I normally don't remember my dreams, they are commonly insignificant and not the least vivid.
What about your current friendships and relationships?
How do they feel? What is happening there?
I am operating on a safe level with them. There's not much going on there. I think all my life I've operated on a very safe level. That doesn't get me very far.
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That doesn't get me very far.
where would you like to go?
The over-confident home-making weirdo
*snicker*
I loathe over-confidence too. Thank goodness the meek shall inherit the earth!
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ps without being too poliical I wouldn't want to be remembered as a Mother Theresa- her life of self-sacrifice was noble and I'm sure she acted out of love and good intention, but she said some very judgemental unpleasant things, such as abortion is murder, even after the mass rapes and subsequent pregnancies in the Bangladeshi war; and despite the overpopulation of Calcutta would accept no birth control. She believed in the one true Catholic Faith and sanctioned payments from poor communities going to the Vatican...when I look at someone like Mother Theresa I am struck by the fact that she has impacted poverty in India so marginally given the immense local and world influence she might have had to change things.
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Grace, one of things I wrote before - you said:
I now regret I didn't get out of the situation sooner. I guess I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to live in that kind of environment
Are you blaming yourself for the situation you were in at home? Would you have been able to leave earlier than you did (yes, perhaps if you’d been a different person)?
Thanks for your description
What I mean by poise is the ability to stay calm, confident and resolute in the midst of emotional triggers I like this.
Write, thanks for the information on Mother Theresa. That’s an example of my childlike thinking in action – accepting those long-held received ideas and not questioning them. You make it so easy that I’m tempted to believe what you’ve said wholesale!
I’m beginning to realise that unless I have direct experience of something, or I’ve researched something to the limit I’m able, I might be better off suspending all my opinions….and simply asking questions. Even if I have direct experience ……maybe any opinions I have because of that need re-examining too. It is very hard work, all this thinking.
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Hi Portia,
One of the qualities I really appreciate about this board is how many folks here, like you, seem comfortable with the idea that they don't have all the answers (or maybe any answers, or just questions). Openmindedness = :D :D :D
Such lucky lucky reading and sharing; I'm stunned by how much wisdom flows here from people who wouldn't call themselves wise. Seems to echo a Zen practice called Beginner's Mind, which I bet lots of folks here practice...the idea even sounds beautiful: the innocence of this first inquiry--just asking what you are--is beginner's mind[/i]. Sort of mind as empty cup to experience the present moment. I know zero about it, beyond noticing I learn more and fly lighter for everything I can approach like a total beginner.
In my (humble/flawed) experience, part of the thrill of letting go is it creates a space much bigger than what was there before.
Plus, makes a fabulous excuse not to know much of anything...
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example of my childlike thinking in action – accepting those long-held received ideas and not questioning them. You make it so easy that I’m tempted to believe what you’ve said wholesale!
well, as writers go I'm of the BBC school- don't write anything unless you're sure of it as fact or can uphold it in personal argument!
But don't accept anything wholesale is my advice- especially where the reasoning can be as simplistic as media rhetoric; 'how could you believe anything else' ;'it was good enough for my parents' or 'G_d says'.
I have a sticker somewhere which says
'don't believe everything you think...'
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Hi LoH
Seems to echo a Zen practice called Beginner's Mind,
Sounds good … I wonder if the all the things I read in my teenage years are influencing me now? I mean, I think that I’m doing these things by myself, as part of some process, but maybe it’s the effect of the books I read way back then? Maybe a bit of both? (I don’t know anything about beginner’s mind though – well, not as far as my conscious mind knows! But who knows what’s gone into my head without me noticing?)
makes a fabulous excuse not to know much of anything
isn’t that sooooo freeeeing :D
'don't believe everything you think...'
I like it. I shall remember it. Thanks write :D
How are you doing Grace? Your thread has a life of its own now. As they do 8)
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How are you doing Grace?
Thanks for asking, Portia. Well, I can say that I'm not where I want to be. Trying to reassure myself that it will take time just doesn't cut it. There's a lot of emotional tugging and pulling. I often feel depress that I'm not moving forward or progressing at a steady speed, as slow as it may be. What depresses me? A sense of personal failure. And not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread. I'm depress about still having a strong attachment to the desire to gain ppl's acceptance. Being unable to let go of that attachment makes me feel hopeless.
Your thread has a life of its own now.
Does it really?
Are you blaming yourself for the situation you were in at home? Would you have been able to leave earlier than you did
I'm not blaming myself for the situation that I was in. I just regret allowing my financial circumstance to get in the way of moving out sooner than I did. I would have been able to leave sooner, but carrying the burden of college loans made it more difficult. I think I would still move out if I had realized at the time how it was emotionally unhealthy for me to be in that kind of environment.
where would you like to go?
In terms of relationships, I would like to go to a place of trust, unconditional acceptance, and ease of communication. I know in order to have these elements in relationships, I have to give them to myself first.
Thanks.
Grace
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Hi Grace
A sense of personal failure. And not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread.
Are you afraid that people here will reject you?
Has it happened, will it happen, do you think?
I'm depress about still having a strong attachment to the desire to gain ppl's acceptance. Being unable to let go of that attachment makes me feel hopeless.
If we all say “you are accepted and are acceptable here”, how would you feel?
No, your thread doesn’t have a life of its own, that was nonsense I was talking. Do you ever talk nonsense, tell jokes, play, have fun, act like the man you met did, try on a different personality just for the heck of it? (Today I’m going to be over-helpful to everyone I meet. Today I’m going to be utterly selfish.)
I think I would still move out if I had realized at the time how it was emotionally unhealthy for me to be in that kind of environment.
Okay so you didn’t realise. I guess you can regret not realising it earlier. But since you couldn’t have been any different, is it really a regret? Usually a regret is something we have for a choice we made. I regret not doing, or I regret doing. But I don’t think you had any choice at the time? Maybe it’s grief, not regret? Maybe it’s more repressed anger?
trust, unconditional acceptance, and ease of communication
that’s a tall order! Is communication ever easy? I don’t think so. I find it incredibly difficult to understand the contents of my own head. It takes so much effort, I wouldn’t call it easy….not yet anyway (I live in hope).
Maybe you have impossible standards for yourself? Maybe you could try being ‘less than’ and see how it feels? Let go of ideals ....?
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Hi Grace,
In response to your original post, The Depression Book (Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth) by Cheri Huber is one of the best self-help books I've read. Besides bookstores, she has a website and you can also get it through Keep it Simple. The thrust of the book is that 'negative' emotions are negative because we see them that way, and what if, instead of trying to repress/fight/improve, we just let them happen, and try to mine whatever opportunities are there to grow. I read it at a low point and have given it away 5 times since. It isn't just theoretical, offers concrete suggestions to cope with depression, anger, grief, fear, etc.
Maybe you could clarify what you wanted from this thread and that would help us/you understand what that is?
I really liked Portia's suggestion about trying on different personalities, I think this works. Example: I walked into a meeting where there was a 100% chance of fighting. My stomach started to tense up. Sitting down, I suddenly thought, What if there is no such thing as a bad outcome here? How would it feel if I decide I'm the most confident person in the world, the James Bond of ridiculous meetings, and none of the BS or anger that flies around the table can touch me? So I rolled with that, and it didn't.
Is it possible, if you read through this thread again, you might see suggestions and possibilites that really do address fear and rejection, only indirectly, through people's personal experiences and various ideas and perspectives that have worked for them?
I find this board really supportive and accepting and get a lot from other people's insights/experience. Glad to have you here, Grace.
:D
LoH
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not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread.
that's interesting, you mean you wrote her with expectations of an outcome which didn't happen or that you are disappointed in people's acceptance ( etc ) of you?
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup8.htm
is one of the links from the website I recommended:
People-Rating: Are you living down to your label?
People-rating is like judging a book by its cover. Let us say the rating is directed at yourself. You start by evaluating one of your personal traits: how you look, what you are like at sports or study, how you do as a worker or parent. Or you focus on something you have done - a behaviour.
You then rate (evaluate) the trait or behaviour concerned. You decide whether it is worthwhile or has value. So far so good. If you stopped there, you would have no problem.
But, like most people, you probably go a big step further and expand the rating of that one trait or behaviour into a rating of your 'total self'. You end up saying things like:
I did a bad thing, therefore I am a bad person.
I said something bitchy - this makes me a bitch.
Because I cannot handle his arguments, I am dumb.
I lost my temper with the kids today - this shows I am hopeless as a parent.
It's as though, in some magical way, one part of a person becomes the total person.
This does not make sense. People are mixtures of positive and negative traits. But a single rating of your 'total self' suggests that the rating applies to all of your many traits and behaviours. Not only is this an overgeneralisation, but you can never know every one of a given person's characteristics and actions anyway. People-rating, too, implies that someone has always been this way and always will be - but, in reality, people are always changing.
People-rating also implies that there is a universally accepted guideline for judging the worth of people. To rate yourself as, say, a 'good' or 'bad' person, suggests that you have some kind of standard of what is a good or bad person to which you can compare yourself. But there is no such standard with which everyone would agree. The standards which do exist for judging people and their characteristics change between different periods and differ between social groups. People who behave aggressively for instance, may be defined as 'courageous people' in wartime - but in periods of peace regarded as 'violent criminals'.
Note, too, that people-rating is based on the irrational process of demanding. If you are comparing yourself with some kind of standard, this says that you believe you should, somehow, be living up to that standard. In other words, you are operating on some kind of 'universal law of human behaviour'. But where does this universal law come from? Your own head!
Unfortunately, most of us engage in self-rating to some extent. You are probably doing it when:
You forever strive - no matter what the cost - to achieve and succeed: at work, as parent and homemaker, with your possessions, or even your recreation.
You feel guilt or shame when you do not live up to what you expect.
You get anxious about trying anything which may involve a risk of failure.
You compare yourself with other people.
You worry about how others see you.
You get defensive, hostile, and feel hurt when you think someone is criticising you.
You go out of your way to seek approval from others, conforming to what they expect and putting their views before your own.
You often check your opinions with others, because you do not value your own judgements.
You put up a false front with grandiose talk, attention-seeking behaviour, or trying to be one-up on others.
You underrate and neglect your talents, thinking you are not good enough to enjoy pleasurable things, and reject compliments by saying you do not deserve them.
The problem with 'self-esteem'
What is the solution to self-rating? One common one offered is the suggestion that we develop 'self-esteem' This is a popular idea. To achieve 'self-esteem', we are encouraged to try and see ourselves as having 'value' or 'worth'; to add up our good points and see for ourselves we do have 'value'. We are also told that human beings are naturally 'worthwhile'. Quite how we happen to have such intrinsic worth is never spelt out. It just seems to 'be there'.
Unfortunately, this conventional approach simply reinforces the tendency to self-rate. It creates the demanding belief that to be happy we must be 'worthy'. This may work for us if we have many talents and few flaws - and a constant ability to think positively. But how many of us are in this class?
A better way: self-acceptance
There is a better solution: dispense with the idea of self-esteem altogether! Forget about having a 'self-image'. Give up the notion of liking or disliking your 'self'.
You do not need to worry about whether you are worthwhile - because 'worth' and 'value' are ideas that do not apply to human beings.
Sounds a bit radical? Let us take a closer look. What I am saying is: do not rate yourself at all - even in a positive direction. Instead, accept yourself.
Self-acceptance is the opposite of self-rating. It is unconditional. You accept your entire self (flaws and all) as you are now - even if there are things you'd like to change.
To accept yourself is to acknowledge three things - (1) you exist, (2) there is no reason you should be any different to how you are, and (3) you are neither worthy nor unworthy.
Like it or not, you exist as you are - with all your present traits, both good and bad. You know, too, that you have acted in certain ways in the past. To acknowledge these facts is to recognise reality (as opposed to demanding that reality be different).
There is no law of the universe which says you should be different to how you are. You may not like some of your present traits and tendencies. You might not feel comfortable with things you have done in the past. You might want to do something to change the way you are (and perhaps plan to). Acceptance simply means that you avoid demanding that the present you (or your past actions) not exist.
Rate Your Behaviour Rather Than Yourself.
'Sounds great,' you say. 'But if I accept rather than rate myself, won't this stop me ever doing anything to improve?' Not at all. Rather than rate your total self, you can rate your various traits, behaviours, and potentials.
In other words, instead of wasting precious time and energy brooding over how 'worthwhile' you are, get on with deciding which parts of yourself you could usefully change or improve on.
Maybe you would like to improve your physical health, to achieve your goal of living longer. Great idea - but you do not have to label yourself as 'unfit' or 'weak'. You can develop your vocabulary without calling yourself a 'useless communicator'. You can admit your marriage is failing, but without thinking this makes you a 'failure'. You can acknowledge that although you sometimes do bastardly things, this does not make you a 'bastard'.
Value Your Existence.
If you are prepared to rate specific tendencies and actions, then you will be able to see whether they help you achieve an existence which is worthwhile or valuable to you. In the end, is it not the quality of your existence that matters?
So value your existence rather than your 'self'. You can recognise you exist without putting any rating at all on yourself. You are neither good nor bad, worthy or unworthy, useful or useless. You just exist. Put your energy into maximising the quality of that existence.
This will aid your total happiness much more than debating whether you have 'value' or 'worth' as a person.
People-Rating or Behaviour-Rating?
Making the switch means changing what you tell yourself. Compare the lists below:
People-Rating: Behaviour-Rating:
I am a loser.
I lost out on this occasion.
You are a naughty child.
You did a naughty thing.
I am a hopeless parent.
I could learn more about handling children.
I am a poor conversationalist. I want to improve my conversational skills.
She's a depressive.
She feels depressed at present.
I am a failure at work.
I failed on this task.
I am a bitch.
I did a bitchy thing.
I am a useless cook.
My cooking skills are undeveloped.
I am stupid.
I sometimes do stupid things.
I am a lousy lover.
I could learn more about sex.
I am unfit.
I would be better to exercise more.
I am neurotic.
I would like to learn more rational attitudes.
Notice that the people-rating statements include 'I am', 'you are', or 'he/she is'. These expressions are cues that you are rating the entire person. They imply, too, that the person always has been, and always will be, what the label says they are. Rating your behaviour, on the other hand, shows that you can change in specific ways (if you choose) to improve your existence.
Making the change
Let us summarise what self-acceptance involves:
You acknowledge, simply, that you exist - without any judgement on your worthiness or any demand that you be different to how you are.
You rate specific traits and behaviours - in a practical and non-moralistic way.
You concentrate on rating and valuing your existence rather than your 'self'.
Unfortunately, self-acceptance is easier to describe than to practice. Self-rating will be a habit for most of us. We also live in a world where people-rating is the norm, so others are unlikely to help us change. But it's not impossible. Here are some strategies which will help:
Be aware when you are rating yourself or others. Watch for cues such as 'I am', 'you are', 'she/he is'. Change any self-rating to a behaviour-rating. Be very specific about any changes you'd like to make. Instead of: 'I must become a better person,' say: 'I'd like to learn how to type, start an exercise programme, or get up earlier in the morning.'
Accept (justified) criticism from others of specific behaviours - but reject ratings of your entire self. Note that disapproval from other people proves nothing about you. Remember, too, that when you do something to less than the standard you prefer, your performance may be flawed but you can still accept yourself.
Whenever possible, treat yourself to things you enjoy - food, clothes, outings, time to yourself, etc. Not because you 'deserve' them, but because you want them. Remember that 'deserving' (and its by-product 'undeserving') are subtle ways of self-rating.
Feel good when you 'succeed' or get approval from others. But do not rely on these things to feel OK Remember that real self-acceptance is independent of your performance - and the views of other people.
Keep in mind that none of us will ever reach perfection. Total self-acceptance is an ideal few people are likely to achieve in their lifetime. But even fifty percent acceptance is worth striving for.
If the idea of living without self-rating still seems radical, you are not alone. Most people probably subscribe to the idea that to be happy you have to see yourself as 'worthwhile'. For a moment, though, put aside conventional thinking. Look closely at those high-sounding words: 'human worth' and 'value'. They are, in reality, nothing more than that: words - ideas that exist in our heads. Whether we apply these ideas to human beings is a matter of choice. [/u]
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Write,
That was lovely and so true. I'm going back to read again and again. (( seasons))
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Hi Grace,
I'd love to hear what ESL tutoring is like. If you feel like it...share what your student is like. Where is s/he from? What's their story? Is the first session awkward, or are you still in training?
Hops
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Thanks, Write.
Amazing piece, and truly helpful.
You are a great info-hunter!
Hops
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Amazing piece, and truly helpful.
It really was for me too. Thanks for sharing it, Write. There's lots to think about.
I'd love to hear what ESL tutoring is like. If you feel like it...share what your student is like. Where is s/he from? What's their story? Is the first session awkward, or are you still in training?
I just finished my training and observation. I've not had my first tutoring session yet. I'm very much looking forward to it. Will keep you posted on my tutoring experience. :)
you mean you wrote here with expectations of an outcome which didn't happen or that you are disappointed in people's acceptance ( etc ) of you?
I'm disappointed with my own expectations of an outcome that didn't happen.
Maybe you could clarify what you wanted from this thread and that would help us/you understand what that is?
I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for on this thread. I guess I was just hoping that people here will hear me out and accept my thoughts for what they are.
I find this board really supportive and accepting and get a lot from other people's insights/experience.
I feel the same! I want to echo your sentiments.
Are you afraid that people here will reject you?
Has it happened, will it happen, do you think?
I'm not sure. Maybe I do get somewhat afraid that ppl here willl reject my thoughts, as I have this underlying fear in any setting. No, it hasn't happen. But even if it does, I am really happy for the majority who are supportive and accepting of me.
Grace
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Hi Grace,
Kudos to you for seeing and choosing to accept all the acceptance here. You didn't have to, but made a great & healthy choice. You deserve all the good feedback you get, and, imho, you rule for posting depsite whatever fear of rejection you have. Go Grace!
I'm afraid of rejection, too. This comes from being rejected for years by one of the 2 people in the world who was supposed to love me unconditionally. I didn't believe I deserved it, but afterwards I always knew rejection could come for me any moment, when or where I least expected it. One day, I took a step back and said, OK, that's true. Rejection could smack me any moment, just like death. So, if these bad things are lurking, maybe around the corner, why should I waste another second? "Cause, once I took a good look at that fear, I saw that whether I do the things I really want to do or try to please other people vs. myself, either way I might get rejected. Even if I do everything perfect for the rest of my life (HA!) I still might get rejected. And it suddenly struck me as a piss-poor reason (sorry for the language) for A) not following my good heart; and B) for being stingy with the one gift I have to offer, which would be the utterly unique and flawed gal God made me. Now I think I'm more likely to regret the things I don't do, rather than stuff I might make a mess of. I chose to get comfortable making however many messes it took to be true to myself.
Along the way, couldn't help but notice how many rejections were actually compliment once I considered the source...
Hope you have fun out there, Grace.
:D
LoH
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It's been a journey for me in learning and coming to understand so much more of me and of others through taking the risk of getting burn by the fire. The accusation of leading a boring life because I was afraid of experiencing pain, helped me realize that my avoidance of being hurt has caused me to become tone deaf from hearing my heart and others for that matter.
LoH,
I could see that even though you are afraid of rejection, you push through it anyway! Kudos to you too! :D
It's really reassuring for me to know that we all have the capacity to draw strength from within even in our weakest moments. A wellspring of calming cooling refreshing water to nourish our soul's deepest needs. If that's not infinite grace, then I don't know what is.
Grace
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Thanks for the kudos, Grace. :D
It's really reassuring for me to know that we all have the capacity to draw strength from within even in our weakest moments. A wellspring of calming cooling refreshing water to nourish our soul's deepest needs. If that's not infinite grace, then I don't know what is.
What you wrote just took my breath away. And I'm barely awake.
I'm sorry that anyone ever accused you of leading a boring life due to fear. I find real fear a long way from boring. More like paralyzing. Maybe this sounds weird, but once I started to understand my fearbasket a little better, I saw my fears as little curls of healing paths. I think I'm a stronger person for every little trip out. So many good and loving folks run from fear endlessly. I really appreciate your compliment about pushing through, but sometimes I don't, sometimes I do the scared turtle thing entirely. The cool part is, I'm getting a little quicker to see my fear reactions for what they are, and less inclined to beat myself up for what I feel. As in OK, I know this feeling, it's fear (used to have the opposite problem, absolute recklessness, so I try to remember fear can be progress). But I know, if I hang on, fear will lift, 'cause it has before. So I try to take a billion deep breaths and look around for something to learn.
Good morning to you, Grace. You're right, it's a journey. Thanks for sharing yours; imho, you throw beautiful light.
LoH
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Hi Grace, if you see this, how are you doing? okay?
I'm bringing this back up also because I was helped by the rating information on page 3. Thanks Write.
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HI Just have to put my 2 cents in WRITE ALL YOUR COMMENTS ARE JUST SO GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)
MOON