Thanks to those who responded. It is much appreciated. And thanks for the book recommendations.
everyone isn't waiting just to criticise, judge, blame, condemn, laugh at, belittle or generally abuse you. No! Very Happy 99.9% of people (I leave a margin of error) are thinking about .....themselves. Our favourite topic. We all do it. It's natural.
I agree with you. I often find myself thinking and worrying about my own feelings that I often don't consider what others may be thinking at the moment. I think deep down, it is not about worrying whether others are not thinking highly of me or accepting me, rather, it is about me rejecting myself 99.9 % of the time. I think down to the very core of myself, I already rejected my thoughts, my ideas, myself. And my fear that others may be rejecting me is only a distractor from the real issue.
the Philip Larkin poem is here.
His poem on parental influence resonates with my own past experience. Looking back at my teenage years of the parental discord b/w my parents and how that had inpacted me, I now regret I didn't get out of the situation sooner. I guess I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to live in that kind of environment.
Are you able to meet people, initiate conversations with strangers and have relationships?
Yes. I usually don't have a problem initiating conversations with strangers, as long as I sense a lack of rejection on their part. When I sense their lack of interest in me, than I feel uncomfortable talking and consumed with anxiety. And the capacity to which I am able to expand on my thoughts and creativity get suppressed.
In my personal experience, the rejection issue stems from "disappointed expectations" and not being able to keep something or someone "constant"...in other words, actually a fear of "loss of control."
After thinking about that for a while, I do agree with you on it. For me I often think highly of people, perhaps too highly. In the long run, I usually get disappointed by them. I think the problem wasn't that the person had disappointment me, rather, my high expectation of them was not sustained. Therefore I deeply feel disappointed and even hurt. I think it would be better for me to always have low expectations of people when I first meet them. After having gotten to know them better, my expectation can increase. However, if I start off with a high expectation of people, then most likely I will get disappointed eventaully. B/c the only direction for up is down. I think it is emotionally easier to increase one's expectations of others than to decrease one's expectation. The former brings emotional connection, the latter brings disappointment, imo.
And yes, I've had a couple of rejections, and it's really hurt for a while. But it's survivable, and I just keep telling myself it has nothing to do with me
Thanks for the reminder. I needed to hear it. But it is almost impossible for me to not let the rejection affect me when it is me who is rejecting myself.
give yourself some kudos for braving into this, and some compassion for simply being human and fallible, and maybe some faith in yourself....that you will figure this out, that life is good and the universe is conspiring to help you be happy....allow it.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Yesterday, I met someone who had helped me realized how little I've experienced life. It was my first time meeting this person. But through the course of our conversation, he made many insightful comments about me. I couldn't believe how accurate he was. It was as if God sent someone to help me look at the reality of my life with more clarity than ever before.
I've read many books over the years, but none has impacted me enough to change me from the inside out. I come to believe that experience is the best teacher. Often times, it is the only teacher. I am 30 years-old, but I feel that I've lived far less years than that with the culmination of my life experience. It is because I was afraid to take risks, to push myself beyond what I am comfortable and familiar with, to stretch myself....all because I fear rejection, but I think in reality I rejected myself. This person whom I met, even without knowing my past, could discern that I did't have an array of long term relationship because I fear emotional pain. That could also explain why my life experience has been very limited in depth and breadth. I've never put the two together, but I think he was right.
Thanks for listening.
Grace