Any recommendations of resources on fear of rejection?

[visitor]

Have anyone here dealt with rejection issues?  I don't mean the fear of rejection everyone has occasionally.  I mean constant fear of rejection triggered by the slightest thing.  My fear of rejection is really a phobia.  It affects the very core of who I am on a daily basis.  This phobia that I regular succumb to thwarts my creative capacity in thoughts and words.  I don't have any lasting and deep relationships because of it, I feel.  I had this problem since I was a child.  I have not grown out of it, and fear it will continue to hold me back from expanding emotionally and intellectually.  I know there is a way to not let fear of rejection consume me and to stop it dead in it tracks when it is planted in my thoughts.  I just don't know how.

Are there any good books out there that you recommend on this topic?

Thanks for listening.

[seasons]

Yes. It is amazing how hard we are on ourselves, imho. Rejection is very painful and can stop us from connecting like you mentioned.
I believe even as a phobia with help and support you can find self-love. I noticed when I started talking to myself, ya know silently,
I'm not so bad and replaced them with truths.
I think it starts from within, excepting ourselves, not rejecting our inner-self first and the rest will follow.

Sorry I'm not at my best tonight. I wanted to say hello and I hear and understand your pain and wish you the best finding the right answers to a happy heart.
Are you seeing a T? If not that may be a great source of help for you.

Welcome, seasons

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Visitor.
Have you talked to a therapist about this?

I do think Pema Chodron books might help you.

But therapy too...

An old book I read many years ago made a deep impression: Dibs in Search of Self.

I think you are searching for a self. Once you see it, feel it, build it, then you have a primary relationship with yourself. If you don't reject yourself, then the passing rejections that happen to EVERYONE at different times in life won't shatter you.

Just a few sleepy thoughts, I hope some little help to you.

A little starter exercise could be to give yourself a name here.

Hopalong

[mum]

HI and welcome. Well, maybe this is a good place to start. Hopalong's idea of having a name/id. more than "visitor" might be one way to begin.  And fun, and non threatening as well.

And I echo Hops' idea of reading Pema Chodron. Her writings have helped me many times through the years. The first book I read was "Start where you are". An appropriate title for this conversation, no?

Also, I would agree that finding a therapist that you feel safe with, can develop trust with, will be most helpful. It was to me.
A good therapist will help you examine what these things that trouble you are all about, and in doing so, help you develop coping mechanisms, or even skills to help you change them.

When I realized  how my 'stuff' came to be/ what my core beliefs were that led me down this path of helplessness.....it became easier to step away from it, and be the observer of my life for a change.... in doing so, I could make a choice as to what to hang on to, and what was no longer productive for me. Plus, I learned some skills for managing the old issues, either self created or otherwise, that still come up for me (and will until I die, I suppose).

I know the struggle with giving up seniority over your life. I did this most of my life. Everyone else mattered more than me. What they thought of me mattered much more than what I thought of me. And so I didn't think much of myself, as everyone else is really percieving life through their own experience.... Only I can know my own experience and truth. If I think I am worth a closer look, that is.

Take some time....give yourself some kudos for braving into this, and some compassion for simply being human and fallible, and maybe some faith in yourself....that you will figure this out, that life is good and the universe is conspiring to help you be happy....allow it.  You can be powerful AND a good person, you know.

Sending love and light.

[Portia]

Hi
This phobia that I regular succumb to thwarts my creative capacity in thoughts and words. 

Do you mean: it stops your thinking and speaking? When you are with others, and/or when you are alone?

If it is when you are alone....that sounds like a self-acceptance topic...(who is rejecting who? Internal voices telling you you’re worthless?)

If only with other people...what are the reasons you give yourself that they might reject you for your words and thoughts? (Other people are not our parents/siblings etc but we expect other people to treat us how our family did maybe - can you match what certain people trigger in you, with attributes of your family members?)

Books: gosh! I don't know. It depends! Okay I'll have a go with what helps me (missing out the N books):

Currently just finishing: "They F*** you up, how to survive family life" by Oliver James (UK psychologist, heavily favours nurture over nature) published 2002 Bloomsbury *the title is from the Philip Larkin poem* I love this book, it explains why some people are high achievers, how mental illnesses develop etc...very readable, clear.

"Beyond Fear" Dorothy Rowe tackles all levels and types of fear, including fear of fear. Incisive, rational. "Time on our side" is also a fear-buster, puts things into perspective, although perspective might be depressing if you dwell on it too much, hopelessly and with pain (a bit of delusion is healthy).

"The Book of the Die" Luke Rheinhart for a bit of serious fun. Mixes zen thoughts with psychology and everyday non-sense. For example:

“But don’t try to justify your action as well-informed or rational. Acknowledge that you’re uninformed and that your mind is feeding you a basketful of lies, but that’s what life is all about”

“The man who fights himself always carries around a lot of sore losers”

* the Philip Larkin poem is here. If you don’t like the F word, don’t read it. But you’ll miss a great poem!  It’s the first one: ‘This Be The Verse’ http://www.mrbauld.com/larkpms2.html

[nightsong]

Hello visitor 

A book that i have recently found to be extremely helpful with this issue is 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz. (It was recommended by someone on here, so if they are reading this, many thanks to them). The second agreement has to do with not taking anything personally. In childhood, he says, we are trained to take things personally, to feel responsible for another's opinion of us and to feel guilty and bad if their opinion of us is a negative one. In reality, it has nothing to  do with us and everything to do with them and their world. In therapy terms, it's a projection.

I've found this very helpful indeed. I used to be extremely rejection-sensitive and would certainly never ask anyone to do anything in case they said no. Recently I set myself a challenge - I play bridge, and I was short of partners so i decided to ask people to play with me. The results have been very strange in that people I thought were quite unpromising have turned out to like playing with me, and others I thought would be ok have turned out not to be. And yes, I've had a couple of rejections, and it's really hurt for a while. But it's survivable, and I just keep telling myself it has nothing to do with me - which I genuinely believe now. Well, nearly all the time 

[reallyME]

visitor,

In my personal experience, the rejection issue stems from "disappointed expectations" and not being able to keep something or someone "constant"...in other words, actually a fear of "loss of control."

The book I use when I counsel and also just for keeping myself balanced, is "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.  I also like "Self Matters" by Dr Phil.

Laura

[ANewSheriff]

Welcome to the board, Visitor:

I am sorry you are having such difficulty in this area.  I wonder if you might consider speaking to a professional as well as seeking support such as a group like this.  Perhaps you could be experiencing a social anxiety disorder that would greatly benefit from medication and/or therapy. 

Thank you for sharing this and I hope you will keep us posted on your progress and learning.

ANewSheriff   

[write]

I have found rejection to be the longest lasting of traumas and one which gets triggered even now.

What level is this affecting you on?
Are you able to meet people, initiate conversations with strangers and have relationships?

[Portia]

I don't know why but this thread just came into my head (in the middle of dinner, goodness knows why) and I remembered that bunny mentioned a thing that her therapist said that made a big impact on her at the time (why do I remember these things??). It was:

Other people aren't thinking about you as much as you imagine

or something similar. In other words, everyone isn't waiting just to criticise, judge, blame, condemn, laugh at, belittle or generally abuse you. No!  99.9% of people (I leave a margin of error) are thinking about .....themselves. Our favourite topic. We all do it. It's natural.

Maybe that will help? Gotta wash up...bye for today

[Grace888 as visitor]

Thanks to those who responded.  It is much appreciated.  And thanks for the book recommendations.

everyone isn't waiting just to criticise, judge, blame, condemn, laugh at, belittle or generally abuse you. No!  Very Happy 99.9% of people (I leave a margin of error) are thinking about .....themselves. Our favourite topic. We all do it. It's natural.

I agree with you.  I often find myself thinking and worrying about my own feelings that I often don't consider what others may be thinking at the moment.  I think deep down, it is not about worrying whether others are not thinking highly of me or accepting me, rather, it is  about me rejecting myself 99.9 % of the time.  I think down to the very core of myself, I already rejected my thoughts, my ideas, myself.  And my fear that others may be rejecting me is only a distractor from the real issue.

the Philip Larkin poem is here.

His poem on parental influence resonates with my own past experience.  Looking back at my teenage years of the parental discord b/w my parents and how that had inpacted me, I now regret I didn't get out of the situation sooner.  I guess I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to live in that kind of environment.

Are you able to meet people, initiate conversations with strangers and have relationships?

Yes.  I usually don't have a problem initiating conversations with strangers, as long as I sense a lack of rejection on their part.  When I sense their lack of interest in me, than I feel uncomfortable talking and consumed with anxiety.  And the capacity to which I am able to expand on my thoughts and creativity get suppressed.

In my personal experience, the rejection issue stems from "disappointed expectations" and not being able to keep something or someone "constant"...in other words, actually a fear of "loss of control."

After thinking about that for a while, I do agree with you on it.  For me I often think highly of people, perhaps too highly.  In the long run, I usually get disappointed by them.  I think the problem wasn't that the person had disappointment me, rather, my high expectation of them was not sustained.  Therefore I deeply feel disappointed and even hurt.  I think it would be better for me to  always have low expectations of people when I first meet them.  After having gotten to know them better, my expectation can increase.  However, if I start off with a high expectation of people, then most likely I will get disappointed eventaully.  B/c the only direction for up is down.  I think it is emotionally easier to increase one's expectations of others than to decrease one's expectation.  The former brings emotional connection, the latter brings disappointment, imo.

And yes, I've had a couple of rejections, and it's really hurt for a while. But it's survivable, and I just keep telling myself it has nothing to do with me

Thanks for the reminder.  I needed to hear it.  But it is almost impossible for me to not let the rejection affect me when it is me who is rejecting myself.

give yourself some kudos for braving into this, and some compassion for simply being human and fallible, and maybe some faith in yourself....that you will figure this out, that life is good and the universe is conspiring to help you be happy....allow it.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Yesterday, I met someone who had helped me realized how little I've experienced life.  It was my first time meeting this person.  But through the course of our conversation, he made many insightful comments about me.  I couldn't believe how accurate he was.  It was as if God sent someone to help me look at the reality of my life with more clarity than ever before.

I've read many books over the years, but none has impacted me enough to change me from the inside out.  I come to believe that experience is the best teacher.  Often times, it is the only teacher.  I am 30 years-old, but I feel that I've lived far less years than that with the culmination of my life experience.  It is because I was afraid to take risks, to push myself beyond what I am comfortable and familiar with, to stretch myself....all because I fear rejection, but I think in reality I rejected myself.  This person whom I met, even without knowing my past, could discern that I did't have an array of long term relationship because I fear emotional pain.  That could also explain why my life experience has been very limited in depth and breadth.  I've never put the two together, but I think he was right. 

Thanks for listening.

Grace

[write]

When I sense their lack of interest in me, than I feel uncomfortable talking and consumed with anxiety.  And the capacity to which I am able to expand on my thoughts and creativity get suppressed.

I think that's only natural: why talk to someone in depth who is not really listening or interested.
I wouldn't either.

But I probably wouldn't take it personally...not everyone is going to be interested in me.

Is there a current lack of relationships in your life where you can expand on things and be creative?

[pennyplant]

For me I often think highly of people, perhaps too highly.  In the long run, I usually get disappointed by them.  I think the problem wasn't that the person had disappointment me, rather, my high expectation of them was not sustained.  Therefore I deeply feel disappointed and even hurt. 

This is so interesting.  I think I have often had too high of expectations of people, but I never connected it with my feelings of rejection.  That makes so much sense.  And that gives me something to work with.  If I think people are really rejecting me, there is nothing I can do to fix it, you know,  make them want me.  But I can certainly correct my too high expectations.  I also have had too high expectations of myself.

Yesterday, I met someone who had helped me realized how little I've experienced life. It was my first time meeting this person. But through the course of our conversation, he made many insightful comments about me. I couldn't believe how accurate he was. It was as if God sent someone to help me look at the reality of my life with more clarity than ever before.

I've read many books over the years, but none has impacted me enough to change me from the inside out. I come to believe that experience is the best teacher. Often times, it is the only teacher. I am 30 years-old, but I feel that I've lived far less years than that with the culmination of my life experience. It is because I was afraid to take risks, to push myself beyond what I am comfortable and familiar with, to stretch myself....all because I fear rejection, but I think in reality I rejected myself. This person whom I met, even without knowing my past, could discern that I did't have an array of long term relationship because I fear emotional pain. That could also explain why my life experience has been very limited in depth and breadth. I've never put the two together, but I think he was right.

Don't feel too bad, Grace888, about the lack of experience at your age--I'll be 45 in a few weeks!  And I'm now dealing with similar discoveries about myself and how I have participated in my own lack of experience of real life.  Parts of me might be only 18 years old, at least it feels that way sometimes.  I also believe that I have skipped right over a lot of important knowledge because of fear of rejection which led to fear of participating as much as I wanted to.  But I keep telling myself, better late than never.  I know people who never understand this concept and never try to grow and change.

Anyway, I'm glad you met this person.  It is a real gift sometimes to meet someone with the insight or something else special that can help you change your life.  I've met a few people the last few years who had a major impact on me.  Sometimes it was painful for awhile for various reasons.  But it seems it was meaningful to have met certain people at certain times, times when I was receptive possibly.

Thanks for posting. 

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi again, Grace (nice name!)

I am very impressed with your insight and willingness to openly consider every possible reason suggested and question posed. You are clearly a very intelligent young woman, so I think your insecurity will eventually yield to a calm and centered self...

Have you thought about enlisting a wise and compassionate therapist as your ally in this work?

Warm wishes,
Hopalong

[Portia]

Hi Grace,

I just wrote you a long reply and then I got curious about this person you met. So I’ll keep the reply back and just ask: did you meet this person by accident, did you expect him to talk about you? What is he like? If you want to say! Thanks, P