Any recommendations of resources on fear of rejection?

[Portia]

Grace, one of things I wrote before - you said:

I now regret I didn't get out of the situation sooner.  I guess I didn't realize how toxic it was for me to live in that kind of environment

Are you blaming yourself for the situation you were in at home? Would you have been able to leave earlier than you did (yes, perhaps if you’d been a different person)?

Thanks for your description
What I mean by poise is the ability to stay calm, confident and resolute in the midst of emotional triggers   I like this.

Write, thanks for the information on Mother Theresa. That’s an example of my childlike thinking in action – accepting those long-held received ideas and not questioning them. You make it so easy that I’m tempted to believe what you’ve said wholesale!

I’m beginning to realise that unless I have direct experience of something, or I’ve researched something to the limit I’m able, I might be better off suspending all my opinions….and simply asking questions. Even if I have direct experience ……maybe any opinions I have because of that need re-examining too. It is very hard work, all this thinking.

[lightofheart as guest]

Hi Portia,
One of the qualities I really appreciate about this board is how many folks here, like you, seem comfortable with the idea that they don't have all the answers (or maybe any answers, or just questions). Openmindedness =  

Such lucky lucky reading and sharing; I'm stunned by how much wisdom flows here from people who wouldn't call themselves wise. Seems to echo a Zen practice called Beginner's Mind, which I bet lots of folks here practice...the idea even sounds beautiful: the innocence of this first inquiry--just asking what you are--is beginner's mind[/i]. Sort of mind as empty cup to experience the present moment. I know zero about it, beyond noticing I learn more and fly lighter for everything I can approach like a total beginner.

In my (humble/flawed) experience, part of the thrill of letting go is it creates a space much bigger than what was there before.
Plus, makes a fabulous excuse not to know much of anything...

[write]

example of my childlike thinking in action – accepting those long-held received ideas and not questioning them. You make it so easy that I’m tempted to believe what you’ve said wholesale!

well, as writers go I'm of the BBC school- don't write anything unless you're sure of it as fact or can uphold it in personal argument!

But don't accept anything wholesale is my advice- especially where the reasoning can be as simplistic as media rhetoric; 'how could you believe anything else' ;'it was good enough for my parents' or 'G_d says'.

I have a sticker somewhere which says
'don't believe everything you think...'

[Portia]

Hi LoH
Seems to echo a Zen practice called Beginner's Mind,
Sounds good … I wonder if the all the things I read in my teenage years are influencing me now? I mean, I think that I’m doing these things by myself, as part of some process, but maybe it’s the effect of the books I read way back then? Maybe a bit of both? (I don’t know anything about beginner’s mind though – well, not as far as my conscious mind knows! But who knows what’s gone into my head without me noticing?)

makes a fabulous excuse not to know much of anything
isn’t that sooooo freeeeing

'don't believe everything you think...'
I like it. I shall remember it. Thanks write

How are you doing Grace? Your thread has a life of its own now. As they do

[Grace888]

How are you doing Grace? 

Thanks for asking, Portia.  Well, I can say that I'm not where I want to be.  Trying to reassure myself that it will take time just doesn't cut it.  There's a lot of emotional tugging and pulling.  I often feel depress that I'm not moving forward or progressing at a steady speed, as slow as it may be.  What depresses me?  A sense of personal failure.  And not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread.  I'm depress about still having a strong attachment to the desire to gain ppl's acceptance.  Being unable to let go of that attachment makes me feel hopeless.

Your thread has a life of its own now.

Does it really?

Are you blaming yourself for the situation you were in at home? Would you have been able to leave earlier than you did

I'm not blaming myself for the situation that I was in.  I just regret allowing my financial circumstance to get in the way of moving out sooner than I did.  I would have been able to leave sooner, but carrying the burden of college loans made it more difficult.  I think I would still move out if I had realized at the time how it was emotionally unhealthy for me to be in that kind of environment.

where would you like to go?

In terms of relationships, I would like to go to a place of trust, unconditional acceptance, and ease of communication.  I know in order to have these elements in relationships, I have to give them to myself first.

Thanks.

Grace

[Portia]

Hi Grace

A sense of personal failure.  And not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread.

Are you afraid that people here will reject you?
Has it happened, will it happen, do you think?

I'm depress about still having a strong attachment to the desire to gain ppl's acceptance.  Being unable to let go of that attachment makes me feel hopeless.

If we all say “you are accepted and are acceptable here”, how would you feel?

No, your thread doesn’t have a life of its own, that was nonsense I was talking. Do you ever talk nonsense, tell jokes, play, have fun, act like the man you met did, try on a different personality just for the heck of it? (Today I’m going to be over-helpful to everyone I meet. Today I’m going to be utterly selfish.)

I think I would still move out if I had realized at the time how it was emotionally unhealthy for me to be in that kind of environment.

Okay so you didn’t realise. I guess you can regret not realising it earlier. But since you couldn’t have been any different, is it really a regret? Usually a regret is something we have for a choice we made. I regret not doing, or I regret doing. But I don’t think you had any choice at the time? Maybe it’s grief, not regret? Maybe it’s more repressed anger?

trust, unconditional acceptance, and ease of communication

that’s a tall order! Is communication ever easy? I don’t think so. I find it incredibly difficult to understand the contents of my own head. It takes so much effort, I wouldn’t call it easy….not yet anyway (I live in hope).

Maybe you have impossible standards for yourself? Maybe you could try being ‘less than’ and see how it feels? Let go of ideals ....?

[lightofheart]

Hi Grace,
In response to your original post, The Depression Book (Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth) by Cheri Huber is one of the best self-help books I've read. Besides bookstores, she has a website and you can also get it through Keep it Simple. The thrust of the book is that 'negative' emotions are negative because we see them that way, and what if, instead of trying to repress/fight/improve, we just let them happen, and try to mine whatever opportunities are there to grow. I read it at a low point and have given it away 5 times since. It isn't just theoretical, offers concrete suggestions to cope with depression, anger, grief, fear, etc.

Maybe you could clarify what you wanted from this thread and that would help us/you understand what that is?

I really liked Portia's suggestion about trying on different personalities, I think this works. Example: I walked into a meeting where there was a 100% chance of fighting. My stomach started to tense up. Sitting down, I suddenly thought, What if there is no such thing as a bad outcome here? How would it feel if I decide I'm the most confident person in the world, the James Bond of ridiculous meetings, and none of the BS or anger that flies around the table can touch me? So I rolled with that, and it didn't.

Is it possible, if you read through this thread again, you might see suggestions and possibilites that really do address fear and rejection, only indirectly, through people's personal experiences and various ideas and perspectives that have worked for them?

I find this board really supportive and accepting and get a lot from other people's insights/experience. Glad to have you here, Grace.
 
LoH

[write]

not getting what I want in regard to what I've been expressing on this thread.

that's interesting, you mean you wrote her with expectations of an outcome which didn't happen or that you are disappointed in people's acceptance ( etc ) of you?

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup8.htm
is one of the links from the website I recommended:

People-Rating: Are you living down to your label?

People-rating is like judging a book by its cover. Let us say the rating is directed at yourself. You start by evaluating one of your personal traits: how you look, what you are like at sports or study, how you do as a worker or parent. Or you focus on something you have done - a behaviour.

You then rate (evaluate) the trait or behaviour concerned. You decide whether it is worthwhile or has value. So far so good. If you stopped there, you would have no problem.

But, like most people, you probably go a big step further and expand the rating of that one trait or behaviour into a rating of your 'total self'. You end up saying things like:

I did a bad thing, therefore I am a bad person.
I said something bitchy - this makes me a bitch.
Because I cannot handle his arguments, I am dumb.
I lost my temper with the kids today - this shows I am hopeless as a parent.
It's as though, in some magical way, one part of a person becomes the total person.

This does not make sense. People are mixtures of positive and negative traits. But a single rating of your 'total self' suggests that the rating applies to all of your many traits and behaviours. Not only is this an overgeneralisation, but you can never know every one of a given person's characteristics and actions anyway. People-rating, too, implies that someone has always been this way and always will be - but, in reality, people are always changing.

People-rating also implies that there is a universally accepted guideline for judging the worth of people. To rate yourself as, say, a 'good' or 'bad' person, suggests that you have some kind of standard of what is a good or bad person to which you can compare yourself. But there is no such standard with which everyone would agree. The standards which do exist for judging people and their characteristics change between different periods and differ between social groups. People who behave aggressively for instance, may be defined as 'courageous people' in wartime - but in periods of peace regarded as 'violent criminals'.

Note, too, that people-rating is based on the irrational process of demanding. If you are comparing yourself with some kind of standard, this says that you believe you should, somehow, be living up to that standard. In other words, you are operating on some kind of 'universal law of human behaviour'. But where does this universal law come from? Your own head!

Unfortunately, most of us engage in self-rating to some extent. You are probably doing it when:

You forever strive - no matter what the cost - to achieve and succeed: at work, as parent and homemaker, with your possessions, or even your recreation.
You feel guilt or shame when you do not live up to what you expect.
You get anxious about trying anything which may involve a risk of failure.
You compare yourself with other people.
You worry about how others see you.
You get defensive, hostile, and feel hurt when you think someone is criticising you.
You go out of your way to seek approval from others, conforming to what they expect and putting their views before your own.
You often check your opinions with others, because you do not value your own judgements.
You put up a false front with grandiose talk, attention-seeking behaviour, or trying to be one-up on others.
You underrate and neglect your talents, thinking you are not good enough to enjoy pleasurable things, and reject compliments by saying you do not deserve them.
The problem with 'self-esteem'
What is the solution to self-rating? One common one offered is the suggestion that we develop 'self-esteem' This is a popular idea. To achieve 'self-esteem', we are encouraged to try and see ourselves as having 'value' or 'worth'; to add up our good points and see for ourselves we do have 'value'. We are also told that human beings are naturally 'worthwhile'. Quite how we happen to have such intrinsic worth is never spelt out. It just seems to 'be there'.

Unfortunately, this conventional approach simply reinforces the tendency to self-rate. It creates the demanding belief that to be happy we must be 'worthy'. This may work for us if we have many talents and few flaws - and a constant ability to think positively. But how many of us are in this class?

A better way: self-acceptance
There is a better solution: dispense with the idea of self-esteem altogether! Forget about having a 'self-image'. Give up the notion of liking or disliking your 'self'.

You do not need to worry about whether you are worthwhile - because 'worth' and 'value' are ideas that do not apply to human beings.

Sounds a bit radical? Let us take a closer look. What I am saying is: do not rate yourself at all - even in a positive direction. Instead, accept yourself.

Self-acceptance is the opposite of self-rating. It is unconditional. You accept your entire self (flaws and all) as you are now - even if there are things you'd like to change.

To accept yourself is to acknowledge three things - (1) you exist, (2) there is no reason you should be any different to how you are, and (3) you are neither worthy nor unworthy.

Like it or not, you exist as you are - with all your present traits, both good and bad. You know, too, that you have acted in certain ways in the past. To acknowledge these facts is to recognise reality (as opposed to demanding that reality be different).

There is no law of the universe which says you should be different to how you are. You may not like some of your present traits and tendencies. You might not feel comfortable with things you have done in the past. You might want to do something to change the way you are (and perhaps plan to). Acceptance simply means that you avoid demanding that the present you (or your past actions) not exist.

Rate Your Behaviour Rather Than Yourself.
'Sounds great,' you say. 'But if I accept rather than rate myself, won't this stop me ever doing anything to improve?' Not at all. Rather than rate your total self, you can rate your various traits, behaviours, and potentials.

In other words, instead of wasting precious time and energy brooding over how 'worthwhile' you are, get on with deciding which parts of yourself you could usefully change or improve on.

Maybe you would like to improve your physical health, to achieve your goal of living longer. Great idea - but you do not have to label yourself as 'unfit' or 'weak'. You can develop your vocabulary without calling yourself a 'useless communicator'. You can admit your marriage is failing, but without thinking this makes you a 'failure'. You can acknowledge that although you sometimes do bastardly things, this does not make you a 'bastard'.

Value Your Existence.
If you are prepared to rate specific tendencies and actions, then you will be able to see whether they help you achieve an existence which is worthwhile or valuable to you. In the end, is it not the quality of your existence that matters?

So value your existence rather than your 'self'. You can recognise you exist without putting any rating at all on yourself. You are neither good nor bad, worthy or unworthy, useful or useless. You just exist. Put your energy into maximising the quality of that existence.

This will aid your total happiness much more than debating whether you have 'value' or 'worth' as a person.

People-Rating or Behaviour-Rating?
Making the switch means changing what you tell yourself. Compare the lists below:

People-Rating: Behaviour-Rating:
I am a loser.
 I lost out on this occasion.
 
You are a naughty child.
 You did a naughty thing.
 
I am a hopeless parent.
 I could learn more about handling children.
 
I am a poor conversationalist.  I want to improve my conversational skills.
 
She's a depressive.
 She feels depressed at present.
 
I am a failure at work.
 I failed on this task.
 
I am a bitch.
 I did a bitchy thing.
 
I am a useless cook.
 My cooking skills are undeveloped.
 
I am stupid.
 I sometimes do stupid things.
 
I am a lousy lover.
 I could learn more about sex.
 
I am unfit.
 I would be better to exercise more.
 
I am neurotic.
 I would like to learn more rational attitudes.
 

Notice that the people-rating statements include 'I am', 'you are', or 'he/she is'. These expressions are cues that you are rating the entire person. They imply, too, that the person always has been, and always will be, what the label says they are. Rating your behaviour, on the other hand, shows that you can change in specific ways (if you choose) to improve your existence.

Making the change
Let us summarise what self-acceptance involves:

You acknowledge, simply, that you exist - without any judgement on your worthiness or any demand that you be different to how you are.
You rate specific traits and behaviours - in a practical and non-moralistic way.
You concentrate on rating and valuing your existence rather than your 'self'.
Unfortunately, self-acceptance is easier to describe than to practice. Self-rating will be a habit for most of us. We also live in a world where people-rating is the norm, so others are unlikely to help us change. But it's not impossible. Here are some strategies which will help:

Be aware when you are rating yourself or others. Watch for cues such as 'I am', 'you are', 'she/he is'. Change any self-rating to a behaviour-rating. Be very specific about any changes you'd like to make. Instead of: 'I must become a better person,' say: 'I'd like to learn how to type, start an exercise programme, or get up earlier in the morning.'
Accept (justified) criticism from others of specific behaviours - but reject ratings of your entire self. Note that disapproval from other people proves nothing about you. Remember, too, that when you do something to less than the standard you prefer, your performance may be flawed but you can still accept yourself.
Whenever possible, treat yourself to things you enjoy - food, clothes, outings, time to yourself, etc. Not because you 'deserve' them, but because you want them. Remember that 'deserving' (and its by-product 'undeserving') are subtle ways of self-rating.
Feel good when you 'succeed' or get approval from others. But do not rely on these things to feel OK Remember that real self-acceptance is independent of your performance - and the views of other people.
Keep in mind that none of us will ever reach perfection. Total self-acceptance is an ideal few people are likely to achieve in their lifetime. But even fifty percent acceptance is worth striving for.

If the idea of living without self-rating still seems radical, you are not alone. Most people probably subscribe to the idea that to be happy you have to see yourself as 'worthwhile'. For a moment, though, put aside conventional thinking. Look closely at those high-sounding words: 'human worth' and 'value'. They are, in reality, nothing more than that: words - ideas that exist in our heads. Whether we apply these ideas to human beings is a matter of choice. [/u]

[seasons]

Write,

That was lovely and so true. I'm going back to read again and again. (( seasons))

[Hopalong]

Hi Grace,

I'd love to hear what ESL tutoring is like. If you feel like it...share what your student is like. Where is s/he from? What's their story? Is the first session awkward, or are you still in training?

Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Write.
Amazing piece, and truly helpful.

You are a great info-hunter!

Hops

[Grace888]

Amazing piece, and truly helpful.

It really was for me too.  Thanks for sharing it, Write.  There's lots to think about.

I'd love to hear what ESL tutoring is like. If you feel like it...share what your student is like. Where is s/he from? What's their story? Is the first session awkward, or are you still in training?

I just finished my training and observation.  I've not had my first tutoring session yet.  I'm very much looking forward to it.  Will keep you posted on my tutoring experience.

you mean you wrote here with expectations of an outcome which didn't happen or that you are disappointed in people's acceptance ( etc ) of you?

I'm disappointed with my own expectations of an outcome that didn't happen.

Maybe you could clarify what you wanted from this thread and that would help us/you understand what that is?

I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for on this thread.  I guess I was just hoping that people here will hear me out and accept my thoughts for what they are.

I find this board really supportive and accepting and get a lot from other people's insights/experience.

I feel the same!  I want to echo your sentiments.


Are you afraid that people here will reject you?
Has it happened, will it happen, do you think?

I'm not sure.  Maybe I do get somewhat afraid that ppl here willl reject my thoughts, as I have this underlying fear in any setting.  No, it hasn't happen.  But even if it does, I am really happy for the majority who are supportive and accepting of me. 


Grace

[lightofheart]

Hi Grace,
Kudos to you for seeing and choosing to accept all the acceptance here. You didn't have to, but made a great & healthy choice. You deserve all the good feedback you get, and, imho, you rule for posting depsite whatever fear of rejection you have. Go Grace!

I'm afraid of rejection, too. This comes from being rejected for years by one of the 2 people in the world who was supposed to love me unconditionally. I didn't believe I deserved it, but afterwards I always knew rejection could come for me any moment, when or where I least expected it. One day, I took a step back and said, OK, that's true. Rejection could smack me any moment, just like death. So, if these bad things are lurking, maybe around the corner, why should I waste another second? "Cause, once I took a good look at that fear, I saw that whether I do the things I really want to do or try to please other people vs. myself, either way I might get rejected. Even if I do everything perfect for the rest of my life (HA!) I still might get rejected. And it suddenly struck me as a piss-poor reason (sorry for the language) for A) not following my good heart; and B) for being stingy with the one gift I have to offer, which would be the utterly unique and flawed gal God made me. Now I think I'm more likely to regret the things I don't do, rather than stuff I might make a mess of. I chose to get comfortable making however many messes it took to be true to myself.

Along the way, couldn't help but notice how many rejections were actually compliment once I considered the source...

Hope you have fun out there, Grace.

 
LoH
 

[Grace888]

It's been a journey for me in learning and coming to understand so much more of me and of others through taking the risk of getting burn by the fire.  The accusation of leading a boring life because I was afraid of experiencing pain, helped me realize that my avoidance of being hurt has caused me to become tone deaf from hearing my heart and others for that matter.

LoH,
I could see that even though you are afraid of rejection, you push through it anyway!  Kudos to you too! 

It's really reassuring for me to know that we all have the capacity to draw strength from within even in our weakest moments.  A wellspring of calming cooling refreshing water to nourish our soul's deepest needs.  If that's not infinite grace, then I don't know what is.

Grace

[lightofheart]

Thanks for the kudos, Grace.

It's really reassuring for me to know that we all have the capacity to draw strength from within even in our weakest moments.  A wellspring of calming cooling refreshing water to nourish our soul's deepest needs.  If that's not infinite grace, then I don't know what is.

What you wrote just took my breath away. And I'm barely awake.

I'm sorry that anyone ever accused you of leading a boring life due to fear. I find real fear a long way from boring. More like paralyzing. Maybe this sounds weird, but once I started to understand my fearbasket a little better, I saw my fears as little curls of healing paths. I think I'm a stronger person for every little trip out. So many good and loving folks run from fear endlessly. I really appreciate your compliment about pushing through, but sometimes I don't, sometimes I do the scared turtle thing entirely. The cool part is, I'm getting a little quicker to see my fear reactions for what they are, and less inclined to beat myself up for what I feel. As in OK, I know this feeling, it's fear (used to have the opposite problem, absolute recklessness, so I try to remember fear can be progress). But I know, if I hang on, fear will lift, 'cause it has before. So I try to take a billion deep breaths and look around for something to learn.

Good morning to you, Grace. You're right, it's a journey. Thanks for sharing yours; imho, you throw beautiful light.

LoH