Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on September 30, 2006, 12:42:15 PM
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I am really struggling today. I think that what is going on is that some months ago I let go of my anger and rage that was a scab on my profound woundedness and now I feel the anxiety that was buried under all that rage. The rage kept me strong in a terribly false way. Now I am just a bundle of nerves, very tired, worn out really. Not eating well, not up to good personal care. I the past weeks I feel as though I have battled through a layer of that deep seated shame that came from my earliest upbringing with NPD father and that I have been thrown up onto a beach of vulnerability and exposure - worthless and needing care - unable to provide for myself. It is a very raw feeling - lonely.
Is there someone reading this who can throw me a lifeline? Does anyone else see this as a kind of a progress? Has anyone else been through something similar and come out the other end? Could this be "going through"?
I believe I am on my way through but some affirmation, validation, encouragement would really help. This whole process is so painful. It's like getting the chicken pox as an adult - it would have been bad enough as a child but so much worse as an adult. I think I am now experiencing the pain of my childhood that I suppressed for all these years. What a dreadful price to pay. I am so thankful that I have not yet developed an addiction - if ever there was a time to numb the pain this would be a good one.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for this place where I can cry out in the wilderness. Thanks for the gift of seeing all the healing happening here. - your friend Gaining Strength
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Hi GS,
Blowing that original burst of rage off from what has been done to you is a form of healing. Its kind of like the flash from a nuclear explosion; its followed by a risng mushroom cloud of residual anger which slowly gives way to a smoldering crater of anxiety and wondering what's next and where do you go from here.
And like the radiation from a nuke the anger will be there for a very long time in the background, slowly receding.
mud
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((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))
I've known the anxiety which flows from such a deep well of helplessness... feeling utterly incapable and unequipped for either life or death. Naked without the anger, in the midst of the dark night of the soul. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Learning and developing and strengthening a new motivation to replace the rage will take time. In the meanwhile, I trust that God is holding you close now and ever so gently cradling you, tenderly, inviting you into His rest. I believe this, Gaining Strength, with every bit of my heart. Job endured so much, and in the pit, through the depths, he realized... (Job 42:5) I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee. I pray that you will lean on the strength which is made perfect in our weakness.
Was just looking for some inspiration re: affliction and I'll post the link here, in case you might like to read it... by Ray Stedman,
titled "Why Does It Hurt So Much?"
http://www.pbc.org/library/files/html/3676.html
Much love, GS... this will pass.
Hope
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Mudpuppy and Certain Hope -
Thank you both for your words of understanding an encouragement. I will take them on to strengthen my resolve to stay this course. Mud - that image of a nuclear fallout is very helpful. I also got the image of receiving antivenom - if the venomous bite doesn't kill, the antivenom can - you just have to wait it out until they both pass. Thank you so much. I am so indescribably thankful to have found this oasis of nurishment. - your friend - Gaining Strength
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Hi GS,
I think your senses need to be engaged.
Even if there's little energy to DO, I think you need to take a short walk with one task in mind. No reflecting on anything, no trying to figure out/offset/anticipate/verbalize/sum up/fend off. Instead, I think it would help you to go for a little walk right now with one assignment in your mind only (well, 2):
--move my feet
--look at each green thing I pass and notice what shade of green it is
Then come back and tell us. I'd really like to hear about any green thing you saw.
(Consider me mentally walking with you. In fact, I'm going to make myself go move my feet right now. I want to sink, too, and once again, you've reminded me it's paralyisis, and one short walk is like one square foot.)
We'll deal with bath later.
love,
Hops
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thanks Hops - got my hair washed before going to silly movie with bambino - Open Season. It was funny - felt great laughing. will try that walk when I get back from grocery store. I really know I need it. Thanks for holding me accountable. - GS
Going to pick up anti-depressants from pharmacy and get some anti-anxiety from health food store.
Such a strange place to be - sort of like dark depression but different. not as oppressive but like being in something of a straight jacket. Hard to function, hard to breathe.
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Not eating well, not up to good personal care. I the past weeks I feel as though I have battled through a layer of that deep seated shame that came from my earliest upbringing with NPD father and that I have been thrown up onto a beach of vulnerability and exposure - worthless and needing care - unable to provide for myself. It is a very raw feeling - lonely.
Hiya Gaining Strength. It is interesting that you use storm and beach imagery - I have used that so many times in the past to describe what this whole turmoil is like. I would build on that, if I were you. You have been thrown up on a beach, which means that you are either wood or cork, or some other floating material. That is good. It means that whatever storms come your way, whatever waves and tempests, you are going to float to the top every time, even if occasionally you go under for a while. This is good, strong, imagery, and you can use it.
I think of myself as either driftwood, or else as a cork. In either case, sinking is not an option. We just bob back to the top again, over and over.
Now think of that beach as a time of refuge and peace, and imagine the hot sun after all that storm, feeding you with energy and peace, as you recover. You do not have to do anything, just be, and allow the sun to do the healing.
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Hear, hear October. I'll take that image and rest in it. Do you think I might find any cucumber sandwiches on my island? I could enjoy a mild indulgence - cucumber sandwiches and gin and tonic - a combination I've never tried but could come to love. - Thanks -GS
My indulgences this afternoon are kava, valerian, 5 HTP and Lexapro. Hope to get off this anxiety highway in short shrift. How strange that anxiety and depression often accompany each other. I've treated depression for several periods over the past 5 years but never anxiety - though I suspect I have suffered from both most of my life.
Anyone here have some thoughts about dealing with generalized anxiety as a result of the PTSD from growing up N'ed. - GS
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GS--
Please be alert about kava kava...it can cause very serious liver damage!!!!!!!!! a little bit of valerian might not hurt you, but kava can be dangerous. It's been banned in the States...
I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and for decades had panic disorder with panic attacks. I found later that I believe I'm also mildly asthmatic. I don't take Rx for it now, but I did for several months and noticed a drastic difference in my ability to breathe in certain seasons. I can literally feel a low-grade inflammation in my lungs...but it's much better than in years past.
I do think engaging the senses can help. Water, lavender to smell, or even hops :lol: in your pillow.
I managed to get out for a walk and it did help me, though I accomplished nothing indoors today.
let's try again tomorrow.
Hops
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I feel the anxiety that was buried under all that rage.
I am sorry GS, I guess it is a stage in your healing. You were in 'coping' mode for a long time, now you are grieving?
It really helps me to reframe the simplest things which somehow get negative all by themselves:
I accomplished nothing indoors today.
-except the calm healthy day I really needed!
Anxiety is a horrible thing and I would say it's taken me almost 3 years to be able to take care of myself. Even now I forget some days.
Stuff like a walk, cooking a meal, bath, music, candles can help ground you in the moment and I have taken to making lists and then setting them aside like 'all my troubles for tomorrow'.
My faith helps too, when I am really anxious now I pray and always feel loved.
And you are loved- and everyone wants to help.
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Hi GS,
You doing better this morning? I hope so.
I'm writing to ask your amazing support again...when I get back from church I need to face up to the pile of mess that my rooms have become. And take an online job test I've been avoiding.
While I've been working very hard at work, I've been letting my depression over the job ending paralyse me at home. And since home is potentially my happiest place, I really need to tackle my own square feet. Which I've allowed to become overwhelming again.
(Well, actually, they're sort of rounded rectangles...6.5 Wide, little but fat.) :)
I am sending you strength to have whatever kind of Sunday will be most healing for you.
And I'm grateful for any vibes from you and any others who could concentrate my way for 30 seconds. It's very confusing but I've really come to believe in...help.
Thank you!
Hops
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Thanks jacmac
Let me walk with you in your pain.
I feel just as you do right now. I understand.
But I have grown and learn and will continue to grow and learn and overcome.
And so will you.
take good care,
jac
I thank you for walking with me. Your presence strengthens me. I believe we
will overcome. There is strength in numbers.
Hi Hops,
You doing better this morning? I hope so.
Yes - a little. I have good clarity this morning.
While I've been working very hard at work, I've been letting my depression over the job ending paralyse me at home. And since home is potentially my happiest place, I really need to tackle my own square feet. Which I've allowed to become overwhelming again.
I am sending the thoughts of strength. Thanks for your request. I always benefit from sending such thoughts. -
thank you friends - jacmac and Hops - Gaining Strength
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GS,
Standing by you calling you by your name, not your condition! Encouraging you and remembering that God chose you as His own! :D 8)
teartracks
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Dear GS,
Me, too... what Teartracks said. You are greatly loved.
Hope
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Anyone here have some thoughts about dealing with generalized anxiety as a result of the PTSD from growing up N'ed. - GS
I saw on television recently a medical trial, on a very small scale, of a woman who has a stressful job, and her cortisol levels were checked during a normal day, and after reading a trashy novel. The novel reduced her stress levels hugely. The reason I bring this up is that I avoid medication, even though I have cptsd, which is an anxiety disorder. I find that I am too sensitive to medication, and usually end up on high doses with all the side effects, while the beneficial effects wear off in time. So I try instead to live with the demons, instead of medicating them. What I use instead is support (such as this), reading (to get to sleep, and to ward off thoughts if I can) and music.
In terms of anxiety I find that if I reduce the base level, then higher level anxiety does not have the same impact as if I start off at a high level. This means rather a dull life, in many ways. No watching TV news, no watching thrillers or murder programmes except the Poirot level kind, and trying to keep on a generally even keel. This avoids the highs and the lows, and enables me to keep adrenaline levels stable.
Something like that, anyway. :D
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Standing by you calling you by your name, not your condition! Encouraging you and remembering that God chose you as His own!
Me, too... what Teartracks said. You are greatly loved.
I am in a place where I have never been before. For the first time in my life I am able to take words like these to heart and feel truly lifted by them. In my family there were NO words of encouragement and words about God's infinite goodness and though the words, "I love you" were bandied about, they were just words. Actually that's it - the words, when right, were just words - no matching action. Here I take your words and grow. Thank you both - TT and Hope.
thanks for your thoughts October. I think you have a very good point. This healing goes to all aspects of life - music and relaxation along with avoiding stressors makes alot of sense.
Thanks you all for caring - Gaining Strength
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Hi GS,
I am going through this now too. I was feeling very free of everything for a while, but I am back to feeling bitter and angry. I think it's time for us to stand back, review what is good in our lives and get off our pity potty, ya know????? I have just been so pissy lately, and it is clouding my enjoyment of life, which means I am letting them still affect me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
Like all in life, there will be good and bad... If every day were perfect, our lives would be boring.
Love, Beth
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I have just been so pissy lately, and it is clouding my enjoyment of life, which means I am letting them still affect me.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))
It isn't always about blame, either of self for letting them, or them for affecting. Sometimes being pissy is a sign of depression, which is not something that needs blame attaching. Sorry if I sound picky, but if you look to the cure, rather than the source, then that might be kinder to yourself. (Speaking as one who gets so pissy at times I could win medals for it. :D)
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Look to the cure, rather than the source
This is quite cool, October :)
and simple enough to stick in my swiss cheese brain!
Hope
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I have had something of a break through. Saturday, I began trying some herbal remedies for my anxiety. yesterday, I forced myself to do a few responsible things - making the beds, cleaning the kitchen, following through on a promised zoo trip even while the anxiety called to hide in a hole. Then last night I awoke in the middle of the night with a calm sense that the paralysis that I wrote about weeks ago had begun to pass. This morning I was much calmer and actually got some exercise in. Then I called someone I am on a committee with who has not returned my phone call yet. In the past I would have just waited and stewed about why they didn't call. I really believe that something good is happening, that this wretched block is breaking up. I wanted to share it with someone who cares - my Voicelessness friends.
I am calm and gentle about this change - in the past something good would trigger huge amounts of debilitating shame and anxiety. That is how I got paralyzed. Bad things would trigger rage and good things trigger shame and anxiety. Now that's a trap. That's the legacy of the sabotage and the double binds.
How simple it is to say. How strange that it has held such incredible power over my life. I am so glad to let it go. So eager to see what life holds for me in the future. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for the place where we truly care about each other. Thanks for the give and take community that mirrors what life can be. I give thanks for this today. - Your Friend - Gaining Strength
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Very cool thing, GS. Enjoy being you!
PP
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GS,
I'm glad you are feeling progress is being made as you experience less anxiety and more peace. There can be such a sense of relief in knowing that those angry, painful, and anxiety-ridden times can come, but also GO--leaving us tired and shell-shocked, but more capable of picking up and moving on.
As I slowly make progress toward becoming resigned to my new empty nest and even finding some positive aspects to it, my anxiety is beginning to subside. It helps to be able to identify the positive parts to the changes of our lives, and not be so overwhelmed by the negative. But it's also OK to occasionally have that pity party until you just can't stand listening to yourself anymore and you're ready to kick some ass again.
I find that developing new routines which create positive energy and then sticking to them, really helps to calm the soul. You seem to be doing a good job of that by doing needed housework, combined with relaxing visits to the zoo and exercise. At the end of the day, you can look back and feel good about what you accomplished.
It really does help to talk these things through with your friends here.
Hugs,
Brigid
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(((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))
I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. I am too, some, so maybe it was the moon????
Love and happiness to you today.
Beth
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pennyplant, Brigid, Gratitude)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That old wicked moon - causes the wolves to howl -------
chilling those bones.
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GS!
Your message brought me so much joy and hope and
tremendous happiness for you.
You really do mean it when you say what a difference support has made to you.
And you are profoundly inspiring to me.
((((((((GS))))))))))
Wow. And thank you.
Hops
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This is a letter in response to Cary Tennis' advice to another letterwriter today....the rest are interesting too...Hops
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Not About 'Slow and Methodical', He is Mired in Indecision
This guys sounds just like I was a few months ago. He may describe himself as 'slow and methodical', as I would have at the time, but I'll bet my last dollar he's mired in anxiety and depression, or some combination thereof. Anxiety and depression can take many forms. For me, one of the biggest signs was a near complete inability to make any big decisions until pushed to the wall. One of my problems, trivial though it may seem, was that I could not clean up the disorganized mess in my house. I was embarrased to invite people over half the time. But I couldn't decided on the color to finish painting, which bookcase to install, if the coach would be better against the east wall or the west wall, or if I would regret throwing those catalogs out, 'cause I may want something from them.
Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore (there were other things going on as well) and I went to a psychologist and was prescribed an anti-depressant that works well with anxiety (Celexa). I felt better in about two weeks and in about two months, decision making became MUCH, MUCH easier. It's hard to describe, but it simply became very clear to me what things needed to be thrown out, what things could be sent to Goodwill, and what things needed to be tucked away.
Anyhow, before you make any big decisions of your own, consider the anxiety angle. I was not really depressed before I took the medication - I could laugh, joke around, and be happy - but anxiety was kind of an issue. I didn't even know it had paralyzed me so much. I wish I had taken the medicine much, much sooner. It makes me sad now to think how bad it had gotten.
Good luck to you both. :O)
-- Elle
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Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another? I started out here dealing with shame which morphed into the outcome of shame - anxiety. I knew that there were many aspects of my shame and now I find I am going through them one at a time. Today I am laid low processing abandonment. I truly hope this is the worst. It seems that it should be. I still have rejection, inadequacy, condemnation, and unreasonable expectations to go. But I think abandoment will be the hardest - except maybe condemnation, because abandonment came when I was completely defenseless and dependent. To be abandoned and to be reliving that is pain that I can barely tolerate. If it weren't for the promise of healing I would not choose to go through it.
I predicted this phase a couple of weeks ago. But it was when I posted something to October and that I realized what was going on. Each phase feels like the last and so I feel stuck but then I read right here that Certain Hope says she can see my progress and I realize that I am moving along. This morning I was not able to get up and get boy to school. I was really paralyzed. I prayed and prayed and found myself experiencing profound feelings of abandonment at age two. I cannot describe how painful it is to reexperience this horror but I count on it being part of the process. It is helpful to talk to my T but 50 minutes a week is so little time to deal with such deep pain. I have known for many years that I needed someone to walk this path with me and encourage me. I thought my husband would do that because we had such similar losses. But I couldn't foresee that his abandonment had injured him too deeply. Only after his death did I begin think that he had a personality disorder - BPD. Had I known or thought that before he died I might have been able to adjust my responses to him. I don't feel guilty because I couldn't have known. But some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up and that was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge. Instead of getting support, he resented any achievements I made and he completely denied my own expereince of growing up in my FOO. He would belittle me complaints about my father's treatment and would turn what I had told him against me. It was a very lonely betrayal. But it helps me understand how I got in the position that I'm in. This is very hard stuff to recover from. It takes alot of courage, faith and encouragement. I find such solace here just pouring out my sorrow. It really helps writing about the loneliness, putting it on paper in a world where people understand. There is a magic that takes place here - people understand and that understanding lifts the burden. That's why I write - it lifts my burden. I am a little surprised at how much darkness there is in me. I do truly hope to get near enough to the bottom to become functional in the next few weeks. I have been working on this stuff for many years before I came here. But this place helps so much because I can come as much as I need to.
I just read somewhere that Moonlight used the word suffering. And I wanted to use that word. I am really suffereing today. I started my antidepressants on Saturday but I am sinking quite low today - definitely depressed. It is so wretched. I do truly pray that I will get lifted out. I could just stay in bed all day. I will take a moment to be proud of myself for not giving up. I have not given up that I am "going through" and not stuck. It can be very hard to tell the difference but I think by "believing" that I am still going through keeps me going through. This is what is so very difficult about the healing process. It takes you through such dark places in order to get to the light. This is why I could get to the point of not wanting to do more healing - the process is just so painful.
I won't give up. I want to get to the other side. I believe. I do believe. I will continue to believe. Today this place is my lifeline. I think that I will stay connected today.
Has anyone else had the experience of healing one pain at a time?
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Hi GS,
I too am having a very slow day. Have spent a lot of time in bed. Had very sad dreams about the passing of time. I think I must be tapping into things that bother me and which I often repress or distract myself from. But I don't do it systematically as you do. It doesn't come one at a time or in any order or even come in a form I understand right off. Really, I'm not a very disciplined person!!! In fact, if I tried to do it one at a time or in some kind of order I would probably rebel and do nothing at all. As a child I was very rigid. I never rebelled in any obvious way. I believe I either absorbed that from my parents or it was a defense I developed. It does not appear to be part of my true nature, being orderly, obedient, concrete.
Not to say I think that is what you are doing. I am amazed actually at your ability to identify your process in concrete terms. It is no wonder you have made such progress since being here. It seems like this place can boost whatever one's approach is. Mine is quite different from yours, yet I have made great strides too since coming here in February. The availability of this board, the freedom of expression, the anonymity, the participants who keep coming back again and again with honesty and real caring....these all contribute to why it works.
Well, this is quite a muddle. GS, I guess I just wanted to say--you're not the only one who had trouble getting up today. It is hard to go through instead of around. But I feel that I'm closer to becoming my true self and getting closer to accepting who that will turn out to be. So, perhaps I'm working on getting rid of shame, identifying emotions, and putting together the various aspects of me. But not in any kind of order and apparently not one at a time. But it is a style that seems to be bringing me forward. It's messy sometimes. But it feels like some kind of freedom to me.
Just a guess, but I think maybe your style feels like some kind of security to you. And security, that you provide for yourself, is a good way to care for yourself. You're taking good care of yourself. Just my take on it--I might be totally out to lunch on that one. Anyway, I'm learning from you just as others here are. It seems there is mutuality here. One of the things I always look for but don't always find.
You're right. It does take courage to do this. This is a most courageous group of people here. I think that is kind of a rare thing in this world.
Keep going, GS. It's going to be okay.
Love, Pennyplant
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Thanks Pennyplant-
When I have down days - this kind of REALLy down. I get so very discouraged. It takes all I have to not feel helpless. It is really something of a miracle for me to be able to come here - write something and get encouragement back.
A million and one thanks. - GS
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Hi GS,
Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another?
In my case it was dealing with one loss after another--all within a span of 3 years. It was also changing every aspect of my life during that same time frame--having to reframe what my future would look like, what my family looked like, where I lived, who I lived with, how my children would have to deal with life, who my family and friends were, my social life--virtually nothing stayed the same. So at some level I do understand how you feel. I also understand that hopeless, helpless feeling that accompanies all the shifts and changes. So much uncertainty, fear, lonliness, and wondering if it will ever be better.
For me, it most certainly did get better and in the total scheme of things, I have a much better life now than when I was married and thought I was secure. There are a ton of trade-offs, to be sure, but if I really look at what I have now vs. what I had in my marriage, I have to admit that I am so much happier now. It may not feel quite as secure as the marriage did (which, of course, was an illlusion, not reality), but it is happy, fun, passionate and romantic.
You are making good progress--I can read it in your posts. There will always be setbacks, but you are in the abyss right now and can't see the clear, sparkling ocean that awaits you. We're holding your hand and helping you through. Hang in there kiddo.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Thank you so much Brigid
I believe that I can make it into that ocean but I can't see it or hear it or even smell it from where I am.
But it really helps to hear you say it. Thank you for holding my hand through it. I am so very thankful
to have encouragement and support. - your friend - GS
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some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up
:cry:
GS, I wish there were a way I could send you gifts that would gently slip into your mind a sense of wonder, a wave of feeling the abundance of being alive. Virtually, I'll try (pick anything you like!):
a baby bird in the palm of your hand, a bloom that has a fragrance so beautiful that a part of you is in shock saying 'I can't believe it', an afternoon hour in the most beautiful pool of warm water, with fountains dropping each drop like music, in a completely safe and quiet garden
I wish you every possible hope for moving through, so you may feel pure aliveness again. I do have faith it is within you.
Hops
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Many thanks Hops - my great encourager, many thanks.
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Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another?
yes, and it's taken me a few goes. By which I mean I have 'backslid' eg remarrying ex when I knew it wouldn't work, or losing confidence to work on my career, or gaining tons of weight etc.
Today's been really hard, it's draining sometimes havign so many terminally ill clients, had news about someone with terminal cancer, then my friend today was very confused & the nursing home seemed unresponsive. FInding someone to speak to made me late for getting my son from school, then we were on the run to get to baseball and I was bad-tempered and had to apologise for that.
Tonight I had a mixed evening. Wonderful theatre ( Sweeney Todd- almost operatic ) but the couple I went with are notorious for acting out and being sexual in public- I asked them not to and they were more restrained but still made me feel uncomfortable. I won't go out with them together again.
Driving home the tears started flowing, but none of the scripts in my head were there any more, I just cried my tears and thought about the stuff of the day, then focused on the more positive ( I got another regular gig, patched up a misunderstanding and wrote a poem! )
It probably doesn't seem much to most people but a few tears born of 'fatigue/tiredness/loneliness' would have sent me spiralling down a few weeks ago.
Hang in there GS, you are going to be fine. Healing from trauma takes as long as it takes,
I can't see it or hear it or even smell it from where I am.
but you know it's there!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Write,
You are so poetic, and something about the way you write (no pun intended) makes me feel the actual rhythm of your life.
I am sorry about your sadness but glad about your tears and your acceptance of them...and then how you simply tilted your controls (I see Pilot Write) and aimed for a warmer wind and things to be happy about.
Can't express how much I admire you.
Hops
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I am comign to realise sadness is a part of the rhythmn of life- it's just my early neglect and subsequent inability to make good relationship connections made it unbearable.
Losing that whole script spiral has been the hardest thing- internalising that just because someone does something which hurts they're not worthless and neither am I.
Can't express how much I admire you.
ditto!
How are you getting on with the job search?
And how are you GS? How was your week?
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Dear Gaining Strength,
This was true for me, as well: some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up and that was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge.
Association with him was akin to an affliction with emotional leprosy, as bits and pieces of what had been vital and vibrant grew corrupted and eventually disintegrated, dropping off. I just want to stand in agreement with you on this:
Only after his death did I begin think that he had a personality disorder - BPD. Had I known or thought that before he died I might have been able to adjust my responses to him. I don't feel guilty because I couldn't have known.
You could not have known. Adjusting your responses to him would not have changed his condition.
GS... Instead of getting support, he resented any achievements I made and he completely denied my own expereince of growing up in my FOO. He would belittle me complaints about my father's treatment and would turn what I had told him against me. It was a very lonely betrayal.
This sounds NPD to me, not Borderline PD.
You know, there's been nothing linear or organized about my own healing. I feel alot like Pennyplant in that regard... it's quite messy at times. I'm just wondering whether your marriage and issues related to your deceased husband may hold just as many paths to the "way through" as does your FOO. There's something about the utter disillusionment which appears to be at "the bottom" which is deceiving, I think. To me, it's not the bottom at all, but rather the first rung on the ladder upward.
You're getting there, Gaining Strength. It's clear as day to me.
Love,
Hope
P.S. (((((((((((((Brigid))))))))))))) just because it's been awhile.
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Hi Write,
Job search is floating in front of my forehead and right now I'm too swamped to attend to it.
I'm trying on some less panicky thoughts for a while.
I will have unemployment for six months, have a roof over my head.
I'm trying to be expectant and open up to new possiblities...
no concrete action before the wknd though.
Hope you're easing up on yourself, dear.
You didn't waste your time, or your life.
You bring all the richness of your experience, good and bad, along with you...
((((Write))))
Hops
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Association with him was akin to an affliction with emotional leprosy, as bits and pieces of what had been vital and vibrant grew corrupted and eventually disintegrated, dropping off.
it's something I think about a lot now, what damage gets done by staying in an unhealthy situation/ relationship.
there's been nothing linear or organized about my own healing. I feel alot like Pennyplant in that regard... it's quite messy at times.
maybe it's a lifelong thing, recovery. I mean as soon as we think 'ok, I'm fine now' we stop growing? Recovery from trauma and not reliving it constantly is a good stage to get past though- I have just reached a place where I feel safe to be happy and make longer term decisions and relax in the moment and enjoy it.
Association with Ns and other difficult people is an emotional leprosy, their sickness takes over every situation and being in close quarters eventually infects us.
I will have unemployment for six months, have a roof over my head.
that's a good start.
I'm trying to be expectant and open up to new possiblities...
no concrete action before the wknd though.
why don't you try some visualisation techniques. Sarah Breathnach says we should all have a board ( under my bed! ) with meaningful pictures and words we move around and project out goals and examine the anxiety and excitement etc that generates.
I know when I am up against it as you have been the past few years I cannot commit to anything long-term without panic, just getting through each day is enough.
Having a fantasy place to plan when things get better might be useful. I find it spills into my wriiting too!
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Soo much pain today. - Hope I can make a little clearing in all this pain.
reliving too many memories, trying to revise them
Need to feel of some value
Just posting to excise the pain
Not needing answers - GS
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GS,
When I'm depressed I go to bed and don't want to move, ache all over, inside and out.
I think I can think my way through it. But sometimes I realize I may need to smell, move, breathe, move, walk, touch, sing.
Any way to entice you to take a little walk?
Hops
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Just posting to excise the pain
Not needing answers
did you have a long tiring week?
Do something good for yourself tonight or the weekend.
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Today I looked at photo's of my twin brother (who passed away at 27)I have not done this in a long time.
I saw his face that indescribable face I love so much.
Brave for me to do and I let myself feel sad and cry in pain but also I remembered how funny we were like a comedy team.
So there were the tears but the memories of our laughter is my joy.
The laughter and the deep love that is what I wish to share on this Earth.
MOON
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Not needing answers - GS
((((((((((((GS))))))))))
You don't need answers, because you are the answer.
I dare say a few less questions would be nice, though. :(
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((((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))
When you get caught in the flood of many waters, that Hand which hung the stars in their places and calls each one by name will lift you to safety.
Thinking of you...
with love,
Hope
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GS,
Sending you a hammock, knit of love, to sway in.
Trees overhead, each leaf turning and leaping in the gentlest breeze.
You...welcome, belonging, utterly accepted. Exactly as you are.
love,
Hops
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Soo much pain today. - Hope I can make a little clearing in all this pain.
reliving too many memories, trying to revise them
Need to feel of some value
Just posting to excise the pain
Not needing answers - GS
Hugs GS.
You're of value here, to me, to us, just the way you are right now.
You may not have to revise memories - just experience them. Just relax.
Plucky
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Thank you for your kind words Plucky. - GS
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((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))
You can't change the past... You know, I am not sure I would if I could.
There is a great book, The Woman's Way Through the 12 Steps. In it she talks about how the amazing lotus flower grows from muck... Just like we grow from the muck that we have lived through (and even caused).
Love, Beth
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What a sweet thought Beth - there's nothing prettier than a lotus. - GS
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How are you doing, GS?
Been thinking of you.
((((GS))))
I hope the worst pain is easing.
love,
Hops
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Moonlight
Today I looked at photo's of my twin brother (who passed away at 27)I have not done this in a long time.
I saw his face that indescribable face I love so much.
Brave for me to do and I let myself feel sad and cry in pain but also I remembered how funny we were like a comedy team.
So there were the tears but the memories of our laughter is my joy.
The laughter and the deep love that is what I wish to share on this Earth.
MOON
What sweet words. I'm so glad you can hold his memory in this way. So glad you remember the comedy team and glad you can bear the pain.
jacmac, Hopalong, WRITE, October, Certain Hope - don't know how I missed your kind words. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have really been down hard. Today is better and I do so hope the tide has turned. I've been in a place where every thought and every action generated more anxiety and more pain; like being seasick on a boat, afraid to move my head for fear that the smallest turn or wisp of wind might be the final blow. Thanks so much for thinking of me. - GS
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Glad things are a little better I hope you get better and better.It seems all we can count on is flux.
Sending you love ,
m