Thanks to Bones post about an on-line N classmate, I realized that that is what I encountered this morning.
On Wednesdays I go to a centering prayer group at 7:30am. There are a couple of new people who have been there for 4 weeks. This morning no priests were there as usual and only one other regular was there besides the two newbies. We read the gospel for the coming sunday and then ring a bell to mark the beginning of 20 minutes of silence. I got the bell ringing assignment. I rang the bell at 7:39 and decided I would go until 8:00 - 1 minute over. Well at 7:59 the newbie, who had in a few miniutes exhibited an inordinate need to control, looked up and said, TIME and began reading the gospel.
It flew all over me. WAY beyond the offense. So rather than stay for a discussion I just picked up my purse and left. Even before she did that I was trying to let my irritation go. unfortunately, I didn't quite make it. At 8:15 I go to the church next door for school chapel with my son. I was trying to process the event and trying to forgive and ask for forgiveness and getting no peace about it. But what I did get was that it touched that deep pain that I have been trying to shine the light on, that deep pain of having been ignored and put down by my parents as a young child grasping for affection, acknowledgement and love.
I have been praying for revelation of that deep pain that I know is binding me and this was surprisingly an answer to that prayer. The same thing came up at my T's yesterday. I am very thankful to have this exposed. This is truly a core issue. Now I must go to work for the healing. I'm not sure how to go about it but I am open to finding the answer as surely as I found the pain.
So glad Bones shared her experience. It shed light on mine. now I know that what I experienced was another Nish act stepping on my feet and negating my presence and my being. It was a perfect replica of my childhood experience.
Thanks for listening - Gaining Strengt
Congrats on spotting that behaviour.
Thanks Izzy. It's completely due to this board and today Bones post clued me in.
I have also been one who believes whatever happened to me happened for a reason.
That's a helpful attitude. My version is that we can grow from the dark painful experiences if we LOOK for the growth.
WOW, GS! Isn't it amazing how God works?!?!? I'm glad I could help since it helps to heal the both of us.
Just amazing Bones, just amazing.
For once in my life, I didn't beat myself up about it. My old tapes would have said, "Only you could find a narcissistic yoga instructor!" "You always quit!" "You wasted $56!" "Now what can you do for a hobby, Miss Idawanna?"
No, I just congratulated myself for finally figuring out why I usually didn't look forward to attending class.
You go girl!! That's the whole key. Drop the criticism and adopt the praise. That's my goal.
GS, are you going to keep going to your prayer group? I hope it's the N who leaves.
PP, I'm definitely going back. Even if she doesn't leave there are usually enough others there to mute her offensiveness. But now I will view her as a gauge on how well I'm healing from that deep wound that got scraped again today.
Your ability to let go of what can't be helped.
Ditto Stormy. Isn't that a big part of wholeness. I really believe that many people who have something I want are able to do this. I've actually known this for years but was completely clueless as to how to get there. I just designated myself as super sensitive in resignation but now I know I don't have to give up. I can change and I am going to change. That is my intention.
Congrats on spotting the Ns.
It's nice to learn.