Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: DivineSunshine on January 29, 2007, 06:06:49 PM
-
Hey folks,
I am NC with my parents and FOO. I have been for 9 months (due to my hostile letter demanding they stop harrassing me). They harrassed me and my children for about year before that until I put my foot down-- since they couldn't take a hint.
So, in a few weeks is my parents 50th anniversary---the same day as my birthday. Yep, I was born on their anniversary. Bet that made N mom mad!! teehee. Digressing....
I am feeling incredible guilt for not wanting to have anything to do with it. My family has not contacted me yet and I don't know if they will. I made it painfully clear I wanted to be left alone. So far they have stayed away---finally.
My NH and society keep ringing in my ears----"but it's your OWN parents!" Guess what--- I don't care! Mom is a total N who has made my life hell and my father is the enabler paranoid N. Don't really care that it is my birthday really, that is not the issue. It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way. More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive. But that guilt keeps creeping in!
How do I handle this? Any good comebacks to the "You should's" I know I am going to hear? Maybe I shoud l go? I still can't get over this guilt!! N mom did a number on me--not to mention how my NH goes on about how much this estrangement hurts him and the kids.
Really dear? Cause all you ever did was make fun of them and claim they hated you. (Which they did) And the kids were so uncomfortable in NGrandmothers presence, they asked to go to their friends whenever Grandparents came to visit. Before I put a stop to it all and said enough! Now I am painted out on both sides to be the crazy bi***. WHATEVER!
I can't GO! How do I handle this??? Anyone had anything similar? Or advice? I will cnsider anything.
Thanks---it feels better to get it out---if only to journal it and get it outta my head for a minute. :o
Peace & Namaste!
¨`·.·´¨) from
`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) my
(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´heart
`·.¸.·´ to
yours!
Sunny
-
They are at fault. They have harmed you. They refused to cease harming you when you asked them to. If there is a breech it is a result of their actions and is their responsibility.
If the breech they caused is to be repaired it is up to them to repair it.
They are guilty you are not. Simple as that. Any guilt you feel is the last few puppet strings you haven't yet severed.
mud
-
Hi Sunny,
I think I read what sounds like an answer, from the one person you have to live with:
...that is not the issue. It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way. More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive.
Sounds like hard-fought wisdom. Are you feeling guilty because of what other people think, or some abstract idea of what a 'good' child does? Because if you're happy, especially after so much suffering at their hands, that sounds like hard proof that your decision to create distance was right for you...and a great reason not to risk undoing it and wade back into chaos for the sake of a party.
For what it's worth, I had to let go of an N parent for similar reasons; my heart goes out to you. Hardest decision ever. But I never regretted it for a second--I just couldn't go on like that, it was a matter of self-preservation, pure and simple. As bad as the guilt was, especially at first, any time I was tempted to backslide I asked myself what healthy decision was ever motivated by guilt.
Take good care, Sunny. Take good care of Sunny, especially.
Jaysee
-
Sunny,
Do what you need to center yourself and get through this time. I had the same shit with my sister's wedding. She married a guy she hasn't even really lived with, I don't care for him much... it was a huge production and a bunch of bullshit. But I dealt with it really badly.
I am wishing you strength to hold your head up and get through things one day at a time. Just think about the things that are important for YOU family and YOUR life each day. If you need to go... for whatever reason, let it take as small a part of your life as possible. Say yes and forget about it. Go the night of. Be pleasant, duck out early and go back to your nice family. They won't expect you to be that nice and unemotional and probably won't have the whatall to react then.
WOADA - remember that. It's all Water Off A Duck's Ass... :)
We are here... keep the focus on you!!!
Love, Beth
-
Mud has written crystal clear truth here Sunny
BUT I really do know only too well that it is so hard when those last few puppet strings are yet severed, and the guilt feeling is awful, because you see we have a healthy working conscience ..... difference is ....... they don't!!
(what does FOO stand for - you can PM me with answer if it is secret user code .... I still can't guess what it is :? )
My belief is that because they don't have a conscience .... they don't have any sense of accountability or responsibility for their words or actions.
In fact my Nmother said to me more than once in all seriousness "I am not going to change" "why should I?" "I can do what I like"
When my son was a teenager I finally had enough and did NC ....... a few years later, feeling guilty, as a Christian, I tried to help get the family together, I had gone to her home, and, she seemed remorseful, weeping! so I forgave her ....... few months later she turned on me ....... NC
Few years later, discovered that Nmother all on her own ....... NC with siblings ........ felt genuine compassion for her ....... this time she was repentant and crying ........ so I forgave her again! ........ result being that she manipulated me and organized to move hundreds of miles on the basis that she needed to be near her daughter, as I was living in a far nicer area etc., ......... after she had settled in and she had got me to do all her back breaking garden landscape gardening in the heat of summer ................yep, when everything was done, all ship shape and pretty ...... she turns nasty ....... again! and I am dumped!
Now she only lives a few miles away, and so to everyone, it looks as though I am the cruel daughter who has lured my poor mother all those miles away to live nearby, then cruelly ignore her, leaving her isolated and alone!!
So my life story will no doubt have been totally invalidated once again, by whatever my Nmother says behind my back ...... again!!
She said to me on the phone that I was the one crying and saying sorry ........ not her ......... my imagination again, she says "your exh was going to have you put away" "I am not mad - it is you" ........ GASLIGHTING experince again!!
Now I have never ever said to my Nmother that she is mad (yep, I have thought it.........lived it......and know it) but I never told her that I thought she was mad. Many times she has said "you think that I am mad don't you?" and I would look at her with a genuine love and compassion, as one would for any human being.
Being a Christian, last Christmas i sent her a card .......... and I received a Christmas card from ...... her pet cat to me!!
So my Nmother sits all alone, and is actually housebound, whilst, I sit here feeling Guilty ........... as my witness as a Christian suffers, which means more to me than anything ............... and my Nmother knows it!!
What to DO?
Leah
-
leah,
Sometimes, in despair, I would give anything to buy some airtime and go on TV and say "Will Someone Please Hear My Life Story!"
Forget it. Your only duty is to do the right thing. Those who are wise or discerning will see and hear it. The rest are willfully blind and deaf.
So my Nmother sits all alone, and is actually housebound, whilst, I sit here feeling Guilty ........... as my witness as a Christian suffers, which means more to me than anything ............... and my Nmother knows it!!
What to DO?
See above.
You do not need to be bound by guilt for refusing to live her lie. You have been set free by the truth.
Acceding to evil, even a parent's is no witness.
mud
PS. I hope this was supposed to be funny, but a card from her pet cat had me LOL.
-
Thank You Mud,
PS. I hope this was supposed to be funny, but a card from her pet cat had me LOL.
It does sound funny and I have just LOL at it just now ..... BUT she did not send me a card from herself ..... I only got a card from her pet cat to me.
Her pet cat was actually a stray cat that I had loved up, and, it stayed and so because i fussed it and loved it, she took the cute cat in (she has never ever had a cat before, she hated them!!) so every visit I would make a beeline to fuss and love the cat.
I believe that by sending me a card from the cat ..... that her message is ........ ' I still have the cat (with the name I gave it) and look you are missing out ' ............ or something like that, maybe.
Leah
-
So crazy making, trying to figure out what their little game is through their twisted words...
(((((leah)))))))
-
Leah,
It was funny to me because of the idea of a mother so petty and weird that she sits down and writes a note from her cat to try and poke her daughter in the eye, instead of just writing a nice card to you. The way their brains work is so bizzare sometimes you gotta laugh or you'll cry.
mud
-
Hi DS:
It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way. More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive.
I think you've answered your own question. Wish them well--from a distance. Send them a card, flowers if you're feeling generous, and if/when someone calls about the event, tell them that you wish them well, you've acknowledged the event, but you won't be attending or involved in any activities relating to it. Why? Say it with me, over and over if necessary: "Because I choose not to." This is the truth. Your reasons for that choice are your own. If anyone opens the door to a real conversation, have it. If not, keep your focus on the fact that you can choose, and have chosen, to be healthy, safe, intact, and far away. The rest of it is their business only if they offer you the kind of respectful hearing you deserve.
That way, I think, you make a graceful gesture while maintaining your dignity and distance. It might not be a perfect solution, but I think it's a realistic one. And it has the added benefit of removing any ammunition from parents or siblings who'd want to call you up and accuse you of "ignoring the milestone," "not caring," or similar horse hockey. "Au contraire," you can say sweetly. They may feed your card to the shredder or your flowers to the cat, but you will know that you behaved like the gracious, well-mannered person you want to be.
My absolute favorite movie about the whole horrific-mother thing is the old chestnut Now Voyager, notable for two things: Paul Henreid lighting two cigarettes, then giving one to Bette Davis and managing to make it look more sexy than funny, and Claude Rains as the psychiatrist, who offers what I've always thought was a true piece of practical wisdom: "Stick to your guns, but don't fire." I think that's an elegant summation of family boundaries. You might want to look it up and watch it on your birthday.
I wish you well.
daylily
-
Oh YUCK on them, DS.
I ditto everyone, but just one thought to add:
Why don't you tell people close to you that you are celebrating your birthday on X? And pick another date! Make THAT your birthday (hey, the dates are arbitrary, just numbers on a human-created calendar, they're not holy...) and then enjoy the heck out of it! Plan special meaningful spritual self-loving things for the whole day and evening.
And the day of their "do"--be BUSY with GOOD PEOPLE all day long. Have something wonderful to do morning, afternoon and evening. Line it up. Plan it and do it, be so busy that you absolutely cannot sit there and feel waves of pain and toxic sludge and ruminate over their gathering.
You be busy in good, life-affirming connections with GOOD PEOPLE all that day and evening!
That's my advice and I send it with love.
Hops
-
Mud
Yes, it is absolutely bizarre, but, it could have been worse, as one Easter time, I had my Easter card returned to me, accompanied by a Requiem Card stating that her daughter Leah was dead.
Leah
-
And the day of their "do"--be BUSY with GOOD PEOPLE all day long. Have something wonderful to do morning, afternoon and evening. Line it up. Plan it and do it, be so busy that you absolutely cannot sit there and feel waves of pain and toxic sludge and ruminate over their gathering.
You be busy in good, life-affirming connections with GOOD PEOPLE all that day and evening!
That's my advice and I send it with love.
Hops
Sunny,
Brilliant idea and advice from Hops
Sounds wonderful and emotionally healthy too
Leah
-
(((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))
Steal
the
cat.
Hops
-
(((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))
Steal
the
cat.
Hops
:) You made me smile Hops :)
-
Sunny, dear,
take a lovely, wonderful, relaxing, self-indulgent, once in a lifetime trip to a day spa on your birthday.
go on a cruise.
spend the whole day seeing one movie after another that you really want to go to.
go to the theatre.
go on a journaling retreat.
Make the day about you, and what you love to do...
Leah: I agree with Hopalong 1000% on this one: go visit your mother, one final time, and take the cat with you when you go ... to save her all the trouble of having to look after it... ;-) ... :-)
-
Storm,
NC with my Nmother - would most definately have to go accompanied by someone
as the last time I actually visited (just telephoned afterwards for a short time)
she made me fearful of her, and her potential actions against me, when she said "I could bang my arm on the door and be bruised and say that you did it to me"
my heart thumped and my stomach churned and I made a dash for the door, feeling physically sick, running down the steps hearing her laughing in the background.
It was like something out of a movie or a book.
Oh thats something else, I believe she gets her ideas to torment and destroy others, from the type of books that she reads. She always hid her book cover when I visited .......... one time I turned it over and was mortified. Checked the book and the author etc on-line when i got home and felt quite ill.
Leah
-
Oh my my.
Do you think she would deliberately hurt the cat, Leah, as a way of hurting you?
Definitely NC. Definitely NC.
But you might want to check the laws about animal abuse in your state - in my state, it's a felony.
-
Really don't think that she would Stormchild
as she lavishes attention and gifts on the cat
she orders every new cat toy and accessory as soon as it becomes available
-
Whew. Hopefully that will continue, for the animal's sake.
sorry, leah. what a monster.
-
Hi Divine,
There's a lot of great suggestions here, a lot of food for thought. Whatever you decide, I hope you will celebrate you that day since it is your Bday.
You asked "Any good comebacks to the "You should's"?
Got one: tell people to stop shoulding all over you!
Albert Ellis, who I believe is one of the founders of cognitive behavioral therapy, used to say something like we are unhappy and screw up our lives because we "should" all over ourselves. So, he'd say "stop shoulding all over yourself!!!"
I've tried to banish the word "should" from my vocab, but it's hard. We're so conditioned and brainwashed.
Go luck you your decision (((Divine)))
((((Leah)))),
They say truth is stranger than fiction and it's true.
The Requiem Card incident, the 'I'll bruise myself and say you did it' incident: (((((((Leah)))))))), you have been through a lot.
My suggestion: in view of the 'I'll bruise myself and say you did it' incident, may I suggest that you never be alone with her in case she actually carries out her threat. Without a witness, it's possible you could wind up being arrested for hitting her.
As I think about it, maybe consult an Elder Law attorney and get some suggestions on how to handle your mom (don't bring your mother with you, go alone or with a friend). Your mom sounds like she could be a danger to you. Actually, she is currently a danger to your mental and emotional health, but in the future, she might lie and say you hit her and then it's possible that you could be arrested for elder abuse.
I'm so sorry (((((Leah))))).
dazed
-
GREAT advice everyone! Thanks!!
Leah, incase you haven't found out already from someone else or something....I use FOO for my parents and siblings. Family Of Origin :)
Sorry, I assumed.....which was silly of me. :? ...N of me?? :?
Anyway, the CAT saga is totally crackin' me UP!!! Thanks you guys for keeping it real! In our little land of OZ-----
Take care everyone!
¨`·.·´¨) from?`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) my?(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´heart?`·.¸.·´ to ?yours!
Sunny
-
To all:
The day and weekend of the birthday/anniversary have come and gone. No word from anyone. It was a huge relief. And CB-----I went with the guilt. And boy did it feel GOOD! Anyway, congratulating those two on 50 years together is like being awed and excited that two hampsters made it through their lives in the same cage. Their relationship has been one that has not commanded much respect from me. They are the weirdest human beings I have ever seen and their relationship is so distant and unloving I have to wonder why they have lived like that for 50 years and why they should be congratulated for being very old children. Mom is an N tyrant and Dad is scared to death of her and has become a scared ornry recluse. Whooopeeee! Good job you two! NOT!
Since I had a school program to attend and a dental appointment scheduled for one of the kids, I didn't have much time for myself or to think about it. But NH kept his mouth shut, I made it through his usual self-centerd mistreatment without a fight, and it is over. Such a relief! I know he thinks I am cold and would not hesitate to tell me so, if I gave him a chance, so I didn't bring it up to him. He can just keep his comments to himself. He actually flirted with a woman at my childs school performance on my bday and then basically ignored my the rest of the day---and I was glad for it. I just want to be left alone. By all of them. Sounds weird, but true. Why would I care if any of these whackos give me a jingle, it only makes me more upset and frustrated! So they wished me happy birthday by being silent. What a gift!!!
Another year older and wiser.
Thanks to all for the fun ideas and mostly, the support!
Love Ya!
Sunny
-
SUNNY
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
NAMASTE
I respect the light within you
No need for guilt blame or struggle
In the light
m
P.S. Sunny you are so honest It is so wonderful and important to be such a honest person you have true integrity :D
-
Sunny,
I know only too well how in receiving the gift of silence
one feels free and liberated from their chains.
Love & blessings,
Leah x