Author Topic: What to DO?  (Read 4218 times)

DivineSunshine

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What to DO?
« on: January 29, 2007, 06:06:49 PM »
Hey folks,
 
I am NC with my parents and FOO.  I have been for 9 months (due to my hostile letter demanding they stop harrassing me).  They harrassed me and my children for about year before that until I put my foot down-- since they couldn't take a hint.

So, in a few weeks is my parents 50th anniversary---the same day as my birthday.  Yep, I was born on their anniversary.  Bet that made N mom mad!!  teehee.   Digressing....

I am feeling incredible guilt for not wanting to have anything to do with it.  My family has not contacted me yet and I don't know if they will.  I made it painfully clear I wanted to be left alone.  So far they have stayed away---finally. 

My NH and society keep ringing in my ears----"but it's your OWN parents!"  Guess what--- I don't care! Mom is a total N who has made my life hell and my father is the enabler paranoid N.   Don't really care that it is my birthday really, that is not the issue.  It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way.  More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive.   But that guilt keeps creeping in!

How do I handle this?  Any good comebacks to the "You should's"  I know I am going to hear?  Maybe I shoud l go?  I still can't get over this guilt!!  N mom did a number on me--not to mention how my NH goes on about how much this estrangement hurts him and the kids. 

Really dear?  Cause all you ever did was make fun of them and claim they hated you. (Which they did) And the kids were so uncomfortable in NGrandmothers presence, they asked to go to their friends whenever Grandparents came to visit.  Before I put a stop to it all and said enough!  Now I am painted out on both sides to be the crazy bi***.    WHATEVER!

I can't GO!  How do I handle this???  Anyone had anything similar?  Or advice?  I will cnsider anything.

Thanks---it feels better to get it out---if only to journal it and get it outta my head for a minute. :o


Peace & Namaste!

¨`·.·´¨) from
`·.¸(¨`·.·´¨) my
(¨`·.·´¨)¸.·´heart
`·.¸.·´ to
yours!

Sunny

mudpuppy

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2007, 06:33:55 PM »
They are at fault. They have harmed you. They refused to cease harming you when you asked them to. If there is a breech it is a result of their actions and is their responsibility.
If the breech they caused is to be repaired it is up to them to repair it.
They are guilty you are not. Simple as that. Any guilt you feel is the last few puppet strings you haven't yet severed.

mud

jaysee

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2007, 06:41:28 PM »
Hi Sunny,

I think I read what sounds like an answer, from the one person you have to live with:

.
Quote
..that is not the issue.  It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way.  More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive.

Sounds like hard-fought wisdom. Are you feeling guilty because of what other people think, or some abstract idea of what a 'good' child does? Because if you're happy, especially after so much suffering at their hands, that sounds like hard proof that your decision to create distance was right for you...and a great reason not to risk undoing it and wade back into chaos for the sake of a party.

For what it's worth, I had to let go of an N parent for similar reasons; my heart goes out to you. Hardest decision ever. But I never regretted it for a second--I just couldn't go on like that, it was a matter of self-preservation, pure and simple. As bad as the guilt was, especially at first, any time I was tempted to backslide I asked myself what healthy decision was ever motivated by guilt.

Take good care, Sunny. Take good care of Sunny, especially.

Jaysee
« Last Edit: January 29, 2007, 07:03:22 PM by jaysee »
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
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gratitude28

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2007, 07:08:35 PM »
Sunny,
Do what you need to center yourself and get through this time. I had the same shit with my sister's wedding. She married a guy she hasn't even really lived with, I don't care for him much... it was a huge production and a bunch of bullshit. But I dealt with it really badly.
I am wishing you strength to hold your head up and get through things one day at a time. Just think about the things that are important for YOU family and YOUR life each day. If you need to go... for whatever reason, let it take as small a part of your life as possible. Say yes and forget about it. Go the night of. Be pleasant, duck out early and go back to your nice family. They won't expect you to be that nice and unemotional and probably won't have the whatall to react then.
WOADA - remember that. It's all Water Off A Duck's Ass... :)
We are here... keep the focus on you!!!
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Leah

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2007, 07:18:34 PM »
Mud has written crystal clear truth here Sunny

BUT I really do know only too well that it is so hard when those last few puppet strings are yet severed, and the guilt feeling is awful, because you see we have a healthy working conscience ..... difference is ....... they don't!!

(what does FOO stand for - you can PM me with answer if it is secret user code .... I still can't guess what it is  :? )

My belief is that because they don't have a conscience .... they don't have any sense of accountability or responsibility for their words or actions.

In fact my Nmother said to me more than once in all seriousness "I am not going to change" "why should I?"  "I can do what I like"

When my son was a teenager I finally had enough and did NC ....... a few years later, feeling guilty, as a Christian, I tried to help get the family together, I had gone to her home, and, she seemed remorseful, weeping! so I forgave her ....... few months later she turned on me ....... NC

Few years later, discovered that Nmother all on her own ....... NC with siblings ........ felt genuine compassion for her ....... this time she was repentant and crying ........ so I forgave her again! ........ result being that she manipulated me and organized to move hundreds of miles on the basis that she needed to be near her daughter, as I was living in a far nicer area etc., ......... after she had settled in and she had got me to do all her back breaking garden landscape gardening in the heat of summer ................yep, when everything was done, all ship shape and pretty ...... she turns nasty ....... again! and I am dumped! 

Now she only lives a few miles away, and so to everyone, it looks as though I am the cruel daughter who has lured my poor mother all those miles away to live nearby, then cruelly ignore her, leaving her isolated and alone!! 

So my life story will no doubt have been totally invalidated once again, by whatever my Nmother says behind my back ...... again!! 

She said to me on the phone that I was the one crying and saying sorry ........ not her ......... my imagination again, she says "your exh was going to have you put away" "I am not mad - it is you" ........ GASLIGHTING experince again!!

Now I have never ever said to my Nmother that she is mad (yep, I have thought it.........lived it......and know it) but I never told her that I thought she was mad.  Many times she has said "you think that I am mad don't you?"  and I would look at her with a genuine love and compassion, as one would for any human being.

Being a Christian, last Christmas i sent her a card .......... and I received a Christmas card from ...... her pet cat to me!!

So my Nmother sits all alone, and is actually housebound, whilst, I sit here feeling Guilty ........... as my witness as a Christian suffers, which means more to me than anything ............... and my Nmother knows it!!

What to DO?

Leah
« Last Edit: January 29, 2007, 08:07:25 PM by leah_nomoretears »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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mudpuppy

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2007, 08:14:25 PM »
leah,

Quote
Sometimes, in despair, I would give anything to buy some airtime and go on TV and say "Will Someone Please Hear My Life Story!"

Forget it. Your only duty is to do the right thing. Those who are wise or discerning will see and hear it. The rest are willfully blind and deaf.

Quote
So my Nmother sits all alone, and is actually housebound, whilst, I sit here feeling Guilty ........... as my witness as a Christian suffers, which means more to me than anything ............... and my Nmother knows it!!

What to DO?

See above.

You do not need to be bound by guilt for refusing to live her lie. You have been set free by the truth.
Acceding to evil, even a parent's is no witness.

mud

PS. I hope this was supposed to be funny, but a card from her pet cat had me LOL.

Leah

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2007, 08:26:18 PM »
Thank You Mud,

Quote
PS. I hope this was supposed to be funny, but a card from her pet cat had me LOL.   

It does sound funny and I have just LOL at it just now ..... BUT she did not send me a card from herself ..... I only got a card from her pet cat to me.

Her pet cat was actually a stray cat that I had loved up, and, it stayed and so because i fussed it and loved it, she took the cute cat in (she has never ever had a cat before, she hated them!!) so every visit I would make a beeline to fuss and love the cat.

I believe that by sending me a card from the cat ..... that her message is ........ ' I still have the cat (with the name I gave it) and look you are missing out ' ............ or something like that, maybe.

Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

gratitude28

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2007, 08:31:13 PM »
So crazy making, trying to figure out what their little game is through their twisted words...

(((((leah)))))))
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

mudpuppy

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2007, 08:45:16 PM »
Leah,

It was funny to me because of the idea of a mother so petty and weird that she sits down and writes a note from her cat to try and poke her daughter in the eye, instead of just writing a nice card to you. The way their brains work is so bizzare sometimes you gotta laugh or you'll cry.

mud

daylily guest

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2007, 08:56:46 PM »
Hi DS:

It is that---I have finally come to the point that I can wish them well froma distance, and I am happy that way.  More than happy, it's the way I have to have it right now to survive.   

I think you've answered your own question.  Wish them well--from a distance.  Send them a card, flowers if you're feeling generous, and if/when someone calls about the event, tell them that you wish them well, you've acknowledged the event, but you won't be attending or involved in any activities relating to it.  Why?  Say it with me, over and over if necessary:  "Because I choose not to."  This is the truth.  Your reasons for that choice are your own.  If anyone opens the door to a real conversation, have it.  If not, keep your focus on the fact that you can choose, and have chosen, to be healthy, safe, intact, and far away.  The rest of it is their business only if they offer you the kind of respectful hearing you deserve.

That way, I think, you make a graceful gesture while maintaining your dignity and distance.  It might not be a perfect solution, but I think it's a realistic one.  And it has the added benefit of removing any ammunition from parents or siblings who'd want to call you up and accuse you of "ignoring the milestone,"  "not caring," or similar horse hockey.  "Au contraire," you can say sweetly.  They may feed your card to the shredder or your flowers to the cat, but you will know that you behaved like the gracious, well-mannered person you want to be.

My absolute favorite movie about the whole horrific-mother thing is the old chestnut Now Voyager, notable for two things:  Paul Henreid lighting two cigarettes, then giving one to Bette Davis and managing to make it look more sexy than funny, and Claude Rains as the psychiatrist, who offers what I've always thought was a true piece of practical wisdom:  "Stick to your guns, but don't fire."  I think that's an elegant summation of family boundaries.  You might want to look it up and watch it on your birthday.

I wish you well.

daylily


Hopalong

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2007, 09:15:21 PM »
Oh YUCK on them, DS.
I ditto everyone, but just one thought to add:

Why don't you tell people close to you that you are celebrating your birthday on X? And pick another date! Make THAT your birthday (hey, the dates are arbitrary, just numbers on a human-created calendar, they're not holy...) and then enjoy the heck out of it! Plan special meaningful spritual self-loving things for the whole day and evening.

And the day of their "do"--be BUSY with GOOD PEOPLE all day long. Have something wonderful to do morning, afternoon and evening. Line it up. Plan it and do it, be so busy that you absolutely cannot sit there and feel waves of pain and toxic sludge and ruminate over their gathering.

You be busy in good, life-affirming connections with GOOD PEOPLE all that day and evening!

That's my advice and I send it with love.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Leah

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2007, 09:17:14 PM »
Mud

Yes, it is absolutely bizarre, but, it could have been worse, as one Easter time, I had my Easter card returned to me, accompanied by a Requiem Card stating that her daughter Leah was dead.

Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Leah

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2007, 09:20:48 PM »
Quote
And the day of their "do"--be BUSY with GOOD PEOPLE all day long. Have something wonderful to do morning, afternoon and evening. Line it up. Plan it and do it, be so busy that you absolutely cannot sit there and feel waves of pain and toxic sludge and ruminate over their gathering.

You be busy in good, life-affirming connections with GOOD PEOPLE all that day and evening!

That's my advice and I send it with love.

Hops

Sunny,

Brilliant idea and advice from Hops

Sounds wonderful and emotionally healthy too

Leah
« Last Edit: January 29, 2007, 09:24:06 PM by leah_nomoretears »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

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Hopalong

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2007, 09:29:55 PM »
(((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))

Steal

the

cat.


Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Leah

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Re: What to DO?
« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2007, 09:55:07 PM »
Quote
  (((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))))

Steal

the

cat.


Hops

 :) You made me smile Hops  :)
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO