Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Dazed1 on February 06, 2007, 12:20:00 PM
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Hi all,
Found this article on the Inet.
Would like to hear your response to the discussion of "Unconditional Love" .
Thanks,
Dazed
Controlling Mothers: Cutting the Apron Strings
By Greg Baer
Loving and respecting one's mother is a wonderful thing. And most of us have been grateful at some point for the advice we have received from our mothers. But, what do you do when your mother won't stop giving you advice—when her entire life seems to revolve around controlling your life?
Find the solution in my response to the woman in the following letter.
"My mother never stops giving me advice. She tells me how to clean my house, how to raise my children, what I should do on my job, how to treat my ex-husband, how to take care of my cats. The list goes on. She never quits. And then she always follows up, asking for a report about whether I did what she told me to do. I take a lot of her advice, but if I don't do what she wants, she gets mad. I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it. She calls me every day and talks forever. She treats me like I'm eight years old, and I passed eight a long time ago."
Your mother treats you like you're eight because you let her. With your behavior, you're actually inviting her to keep giving you advice, so it's little wonder she does it.
Now, if you hate it so much, why do you let it happen? Because you're still trying to earn your mother's approval. You want her to love you, and you're afraid that if you don't do what she says-and listen to every word she speaks-she won't love you. Why do you have that fear? Because she has proven thousands of times-more than that, really-that when you don't let her control you, she doesn't love you.
If you want your life to change, you have to face up to what your mother's behavior means. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any concern for what we'll get in return. It's unconditional. If I genuinely care about your happiness, I would never try to control you, and I would certainly not get disappointed or angry if you didn't do what I want.
Does your mother unconditionally love you? No, she doesn't. I know that's a hard thing to hear, but look at the evidence. She's interested in what she wants, not what you want. She gets angry at you when you don't do what she wants, which very clearly says to you, "I don't love you."
Now, in her defense, does she have some interest in your well-being? Sure-to some degree, she wants you to be happy, but every time she gets angry, she's telling you that what she wants is more important to her than what you want. She does not realize she's even doing this. She cares about you as much as she knows how, but she doesn't feel enough Real Love in her own life to be able to share any with you. She doesn't withhold her love from you. She simply can't give you what she doesn't have. She tries to control you because when you do what she wants, she feels accepted by you. She also feels a sense of power, which temporarily fills her emptiness in the absence of Real Love.
I know this is hard stuff to accept, but until you see the truth, it's not likely that you'll ever change the way you feel and behave, and that's what you really want, isn't it? When you understand that your mother isn't capable of loving you unconditionally, you can quit demanding it from her.
It will also help you a lot to realize that your frustration here is not a result of your mother's advice. It's a consequence of your expectations that she will love you. Then when she doesn't love you in the way you need-unconditionally-you're disappointed and angry. Your expectations of her love are understandable-who doesn't want their mother to love them-but they're also very unproductive.
Let's imagine that you're starving, and you come across a woman who's also starving. How smart would it be for you to demand from her the food you want? It would be ridiculous to demand from someone what they don't have, but in this case you keep demanding food from her. So who's the problem here, her or you? You are the problem, because you keep expecting from someone what they don't have. That's what you're doing with your mother. You don't realize that when you do what she wants, you're trying to control her affection for you just as much as she's trying to control you.
Again, it's understandable that you want your mother to love you, but what you really need is not HER love. You need love from anyone that has it. Real Love from any source is healing. You demand it from your mother because you unconsciously feel like she should love you-because, after all, she's your mother. But giving birth to you doesn't make her capable of unconditionally loving you. She just can't do that, which she's consistently proven for many years with her behavior.
So what can you do here? First, recognize three things: You have a profound need to be loved, she can't fill that need, and you insist that she do it anyway. When you really see that, much of your frustration will go away. How can you stay irritated at someone who can't behave differently? Then you can do something about your need to feel loved. Learn how you can find the Real Love you need. You can get it from people other than your mother, and when you have that most important ingredient to genuine happiness, you'll quit demanding it from your mother.
What can you do in the meantime, while you're learning to be loved by others? When she starts to give you advice you don't like, there are many things you can say, for example, "Mother, thanks for your advice, but I really do have that under control." If she persists, you can change the subject or tell her you have to go (you have other things to do). Or you can say, "Mom, as much as I love you, I really don't want to hear any more advice today (or hear about that particular subject)." You can stop acting like you're eight and simply tell her what you want.
As you see what's happening here, as you feel loved yourself, and as you clearly (not angrily) tell your mother what you want, your frustration will disappear-whether she changes her behavior or not. You'll see that this whole thing isn't about your mother. It's always about Real Love.
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((Dazed))
Another insightful and validating article - just wanted to say Thank you.
I know this is hard stuff to accept, but until you see the truth, it's not likely that you'll ever change the way you feel and behave, and that's what you really want, isn't it? When you understand that your mother isn't capable of loving you unconditionally, you can quit demanding it from her.
Harsh reality, but it really is the Truth - the truth really did set me free at last, when finally, I let myself go and accepted the truth.
Though, in all honesty, I never demanded unconditional love from my mother, but rather, I begged for it, longed and yearned for it, with false hope.
Leah
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One thing the article leaves out is that it should start with me loving me, you loving you, her loving her. If we can only love ourselves if others love us first, well then that might not happen. This is something I heard my whole life but never understood or accepted. In fact, since I thought love came from outside me, and I wasn't getting any, I figured I wasn't loveable. So, why would I love me. I kept looking for that from others, wanting to accumulate it, before I would accept that I could love myself.
I did learn several years ago that love is inexhaustible. Understanding that concept helped a lot. But it has taken some time to accept the other part--that love starts in oneself. Actually that is what I think of as an aspect of God. Just learned that in recent years too.
It is true I think, that all of this is way easier if you start life out on the right foot--with parents who love you unconditionally from the first minute. But..... since that doesn't always happen, many of us have to just figure it out.
Good article, though. It talks about something emotional and painful in a way that is practical. Breaks it right down. But it will only work if one allows this truth in.
Pennyplant
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Dear Dazed ,
This just jumped out to me ..........seems it could be said of any healthy relationship.
Thank you for this great article.
It's unconditional. If I genuinely care about your happiness, I would never try to control you, and I would certainly not get disappointed or angry if you didn't do what I want.
moon
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Wonderful article, Dazed
I don't remember loving my mother (parents) and I don't recall wanting her to love me.
I am wondering if it can happen that a family is so dysfunctional that no one knew about love? I wonder if I ever heard the word, when I was young!
Izzy
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Unconditional love is something that I believe and especially with regard to God's love for us,
God always loves us, He may not like what we choose to do, but His love remains the same.
And so this thought provoking posting prompted me to do a little digging and reading on the subject of
Unconditional Love and Acceptance with regard to my Nmother and others.
Grateful thanks.
Leah xx
What is Unconditional love and Acceptance?
To love and accept other people unconditionally is:
Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in order to receive acceptance and love from you.
No use 'if...then...clauses' in establishing conditions for accepting and loving another.
Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits on the relationship.
"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the fact that they exist rather than for what they are.
Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.
No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.
Freedom to be your own person
Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth, caring, and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem and self-worth.
When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from others, you feel:
Free to be yourself.
You have value and worth.
Wanted and desired for you as you - rather than for what you do.
Listened to and understood.
That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.
Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.
You are OK just the way you are.
That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please another.
Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection or non-approval.
That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order to have open and honest relationships with them.
No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake or experience a failure.
That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.
What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and acceptance?
When people are NOT given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:
Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs and feelings.
Lack the freedom to be themselves.
Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.
Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.
Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is "right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.
Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.
Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.
Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future rejection and non-approval.
Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.
Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never be worthy of love or acceptance from others.
Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and therefore are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.
Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.
Become their own worst critics who are never able to unconditionally accept and love themselves.
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Oh my gosh - this is so helpful and so painful to read. I want to go upstairs and pull the covers over my head but I am learning that I must keep moving rather than hiding. I think ALL of these apply to me but two just have my name engraved beside them.
When people are NOT given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:
Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.
Thanks Leah - this really does help to read in black and white what unconditional love provides and what the absence of it does. I believe that as I (we) learn to love someone else unconditionally that I (we) will begin to receive some of the gifts we missed as children. That is how I understand the Prayer of St. Francis and I am going to try it. - GS
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GS - I am off to find and read The Prayer of St Francis now. Leah
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Wow,
Amazing article, follow up by Leah, and insights from all. I don't think I knew what unconditional love was until I had my own children. I think it was having them that let me see that I had never been loved that way before. I love my children even in their differences and even when they are annoying or tired or misbehaving... I know that I can love the person without loving the behavior...something I was never afforded. I spent my life trying to figure out what kind of behavior would bring me love. I am fortunate to have people in my life who love me now... my Mother In Law, my husband, my kids, a few friends. And I think my Dad has always loved me unconditionally, which I think saved me ultimately from making truly terrible choices (the ones I made were bad enough...).You know, I don't even tell my mother the things that would make her happy with me anymore. Sometimes I go the other way and say things I know will make her displeased. And that is just as bad as I am still wasting time and effort on her.
Thanks for the topic... gives me more to think about and work on...
Love, Beth
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Leah:
So glad you liked the article.
So sorry to hear you begged, longed and yearned for your mother’s love. You must have felt immense pain. Yes, it’s a harsh reality, but I’m so glad you have accepted the truth and feel free.
Wish I could accept this truth and feel free. But, this article was like ice on my spine. Reading this was like looking in the mirror and having an ugly truth stare back.
The love I (we) grew up with was conditional love, so it really wasn’t “love” at all: it was control. So, I feel like I don’t know what “real” love is and that’s the worse thing.
I hope I will soon feel like you Leah and feel freed by the truth.
As I journey thru recovery, I feel G-d’s unconditional love and acceptance more and more.
Wow, I love your “What is Unconditional love and Acceptance?” Where is it from? It’s wonderful. Gonna print it out and really study it. Thank you so much ((((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))) for this wonderful article. If it was a pool, I’d dive into it.
Leah: If you find St Francis’ prayer, would you post it?
Thanks, Leah.
Pennyplant:
“One thing the article leaves out is that it should start with me loving me, you loving you, her loving her.” I agree with this, but, what I inferred from the article is that if we have only expefinced our parent’s conditional love, then we don’t know what “real” love is and therefore, how can we “love” ourselves? Thus, the love we have for ourselves is conditional love, unless we recived unconditional love for someone else.
For me, I have not experienced unconditional love and up until reading this, I didn’t really understand what unconditional love is. According to this, unconditional love means “caring about the happiness of another person without any concern for what we'll get in return.”
Perhaps unconditional love was offered, but I was not able to identify it because I didn’t know what it was since I never experienced it. There always seemed to be a quid pro quo, an exchange, a price to pay.
Pennyplant I’m happy for you that you’ve learned to love yourself. That’s probably one of the most important things a human being can do. I’d like to hear how you have been able to do it.
Glad you liked the article
Thanks, Pennyplant
Moonie:
“This just jumped out to me ..........seems it could be said of any healthy relationship.” Agreed. It jumped out at me too. Yes, this goes for any relationship. Think I’ll use it as a guide, particularly the idea that if someone’s “love” is contingent on allowing them to control me, then that ain’t love.
Thanks, Moonie
Izzy:
Glad you liked the article.
“I don't remember loving my mother (parents) and I don't recall wanting her to love me.” Oh (((((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))). I’m so sorry that you don’t remember loving your parents or wanting your mom to love you, but based on your story, I understand why you feel this way. I think life was very scary for you as a child.
“I wonder if I ever heard the word, when I was young!”
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((IZZY))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
“I am wondering if it can happen that a family is so dysfunctional that no one knew about love?” Agreed: that’s what I’m extrapolating from this. Maybe what was considered “love” in a family wasn’t really love, but rather maneuvering and manipulating control in order to gain approval. Yuch, feel sick.
Thanks, Izzy
Nursie:
“Hey ho, it's all about her.” Right-O and Right on!
Glad to hear things are getting clearer.
“it's so much better without her.” Good to hear. Sounds like you’re embracing your freedom.
“We have to stop expecting what is never going to happen.” Yes, this is a big lesson for me and I keep learning it over and over.
Thanks, Nursie
GS:
Yes, me too: Help and pain. Save some room for me under the covers. But, you’re right: no hiding; face to the sun, even if tears stream down our cheeks.
I just realized that the idea of my mom not really loving me (because she imposed conditions on her love) was something my T suggested months ago, but, I brushed it off. DENIAL!!! But, it’s so hard to accept.
“Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.” Me too. Me too to all of the things listed in Leah’s article. Feeling a bit sick again.
Yeah, this article and Leah’s article are great, because they are the truth, but the truth reallys SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
REALITY BITES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dazed
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Hi Gaining,
Think we posted at the same time.
Your children are blessed to have a mom who loves them even when they misbehave. I think THAT is the ultimate definition of unconditional love. You’re a wonderful person, Gaining.
“I know that I can love the person without loving the behavior” Yes, this is a priceless lesson. As you said, many of us here did not have the benefit of this.
It’s so wonderful that you have loving people in your life and that you felt unconditional love from your dad.
“Sometimes I go the other way and say things I know will make her displeased.” Very naughty, but I understand.
dazed
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what I inferred from the article is that if we have only expefinced our parent’s conditional love, then we don’t know what “real” love is and therefore, how can we “love” ourselves? Thus, the love we have for ourselves is conditional love, unless we recived unconditional love for someone else.
Yes, you're right about this. Now I understand. So, the thing is we have to learn it from some other method. I have always had that internal judge and jury thing going on. That is the conditional love I "felt" for myself. I think I didn't start to learn another way until I came here. I have never had successful therapy but my understanding of one goal of therapy is that the therapist/patient relationship is supposed to be a loving relationship with a built-in limit so the two can safely disengage and the patient can move on to other healthy loving relationships. So, ideally, therapy would be another method of learning unconditional love.
There must be other methods. Well, like Beth said, one can learn this from having children. I don't think that is a given, it certainly wasn't with our parents! But we are not doomed to never experience it. We didn't receive it, but that doesn't mean it can't arrive in the form of the next generation that is given to us.
Having animals can be a way of experiencing and learning about unconditional love. I know many people who have loving relationships with animals. Again, not a guarantee. People can hold onto the sickness they grew up in and take it out on innocent animals. Nothing is guaranteed.
We need to be very open and flexible about the ways to learn about unconditional love. It's not too late for any of us. And all love has value.
Pennyplant
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All night long this thread kept coming back to me. I am going to take the list of what unconditional love means and imagine my life as if I had received it. And I am going to practice unconditional love for the people in my family even the Ns. That doesn't mean I will let them walk all over me, I will keep my boundaries high. I believe that the more I practice the more I will come to experience it.
Thank you both Dazed and Leah - your friend - Gaining Strength
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All night long this thread kept coming back to me. I am going to take the list of what unconditional love means and imagine me life if I had received it. And I am going to practice unconditional love for the people in my family even the Ns. That doesn't mean I will let them walk all over me, I will keep my boundaries high. I believe that the more I practice the more I will come to experience it.
Gaining Strength,
With my healthy boundaries now in place, I have been able to practice my unconditional love with my Nfather, who still very much exercises his conditional love, but, I choose to persevere - with my boundaries.
Whilst, he has become aware of my boundaries - he chooses to remain the same.
It's all about the choices an individual makes as we exercise our free will.
The love I have given all through my life was unconditional, but without boundaries, this was abused.
My parents only ever gave conditional love.
The only unconditional love that I have ever received is from my child and also from God.
So today, whilst I choose to remain selfless, healthy boundaries must remain in place against the abusive selfishness of others.
Love & a Hug,
Leah
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I know we can learn how to love.
The thing that helps me most is to try to learn it NOT in romantic relationships at first, but in simply exposing myself repeatedly to kind people.
I mean over years.
I am learning to see it in people's eyes.
I used to think an intense eye contact and lots of nodding were the proof. Now I notice a quieter warmth that's even a bit more reserved. I'm starting to see kindness in faces and in interactions, and realize that it's very different from the intense love I used to imagine was the only "real" kind.
I've been helped a lot by repeated, several times a week exposure to kind people, all sorts of them, in my church family.
Hops
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Hops,
Love demonstrated and discerned by actions, rather than words - works for me too.
I find that eyes are a good measurement tool to discern genuineness.
Fortunately, I have met with and mixed with some very nice kind people in church life, and also in some workplaces too, and, on a positive note have a few good friends going back some years now. Quality of friends is better than quantity, personally for me.
Used to be a pollyanna person, always saw the good in everyone, whereas now, I choose to be careful, wisely discerning, and, not 'casting my pearls before swine'.
and so today I struggle to believe in 'romantic' love, anyway, 'to romance' is 'to charm, to deceive' according to the dictionary definition!!!
Love & Hugs,
Leah
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AWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Hops that is the most beautiful description of the warmth to be seen in "others" eyes ....
People like that you just feel the warmth just simple kindness
light and love
m
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Characteristics of Healthier vs. Controlling Families
http://www.controllingparents.com/healthie.htm (http://www.controllingparents.com/healthie.htm)
Interesting Table Listing.
Leah
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Dazed! I have read this so many times on my phone. It brought new meaning to this topic when I read about asking someone for some food, when they have no food to give you. Boy, I am not sure she has that unconditional love to give. But you know? Even when my kids goof up, I still love them sooooo much. I delight in them. My mom doesn't even like me. She just tolerates me. But what I want for her to do is delight in me.......just because I am a part of her. And you would think that a mom would want their child to be successful and happy. To watch these Ns scrap for recognition.....to squash the people they love to rise to the top. It's amazing to me. Thanks for this thread.
And Leah....I love both those....Serenity Prayer and the Trust verse. I also love Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart!! I hold onto that promise..........I know the Lord will give me the desires of my heart..................someday...................somehow!!
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Hops,
It is funny you mention eyes. I remember reading in one of the posts here that Ns avoid looking people in the eyes. I think that is true.
Love, Beth
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Here's that prayer Dazed. I really love this.
A Prayer Attributed to St. Francis
Lord, make us instruments of your peace. Where there is hatred, let us sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
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GS,
Seems to be a prayer of gentle strength
No walls of protection are needed in living a prayer such as this one from St. Francis..
Maybe this is the way to step out of the struggle
And find peace within.....
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Wow Guys,
So many responses, I can hardly keep up:
jacmac
Glad this topic helped you on something you're dealing with right now.
"When you let go of the outcome, you no longer suffer." Yes, so true. I believe this is zen philosophy and I so want to get there, to be zen.
Pennyplant:
You're right: It's not too late for any of us. Now that we have a better idea of what constitutes"unconditonal love", we can start practising it now.
GS:
"I am going to take the list of what unconditional love means and imagine my life as if I had received it. And I am going to practice unconditional love for the people in my family even the Ns. That doesn't mean I will let them walk all over me, I will keep my boundaries high. I believe that the more I practice the more I will come to experience it."
Excellent idea, GS. Unconditional love AND boundaries sounds like the perfect combo.
Thank you for St. Francis's prayer. I'm going to print it out. As Moonie says, it's a prayer of gentle strength.
Leah:
"Whilst, he has become aware of my boundaries - he chooses to remain the same.
It's all about the choices an individual makes as we exercise our free will.
The love I have given all through my life was unconditional, but without boundaries, this was abused.
My parents only ever gave conditional love.
The only unconditional love that I have ever received is from my child and also from God."
Oh, Leah, you are so aware and conscious. It's wonderful!!!
If you like, you can post the original mother-daughter letter on another thread or where ever you want.
Leah, thank you so much for St. Francis' Prayer. It is beautiful and I will print it out. Thank you also for the Serenity Prayer. I often say this (or mutter it) to myself.
"If You Had Controlling Parents" was the first dysfunctional N family book I read and it left me 'gobsmacked' (as the British say; they do say 'gobsmacked', don't they?). Yeah, I think it's an excellent book.
I love your thread on 'what is unconditional love and acceptance'.
Thank you for everything, Leah
Kell:
Yeah, this thread has turned out great; it's providing a missing link for me re: unconditional love.
"But what I want for her to do is delight in me.......just because I am a part of her. And you would think that a mom would want their child to be successful and happy." Oh, sweetheart, it probably ain't gonna happen and that's the sad and shocking thing.
I was gobsmacked to realize that my parents only had conditonal love for me, thus, I believe I have never had, never known and/or never recognized unconditional love!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's an amazing thought. Felt like they only loved me when I was being 'good', so being 'good' was the price to pay for their love and paying a price for love means it's conditional love.
Lord, it's just gobsmacking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So happy to hear you have unconditional love for your kids: That's probably the most important thing you can give them.
love (unconditionally),
dazed
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Dazed1, Leah and everyone else....great stuff there.
A quote from the Nmom I will never forget: 'I don't believe in unconditional love'. That wasn't the it-doesn't-exist kind of disbelief, but the it-may-exist-but-I-will-never-condone-it kind of disbelief. (One-sided, of course, as in 'I will act cold towards you for the slightest misdemeanor, but you must put me on a pedestal and adore me no matter what I do'.)
Admitting that I would never receive that kind of love from her - and that it was still OK, that it didn't make me totally unlovable - was a valuable first step.
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Admitting that I would never receive that kind of love from her - and that it was still OK, that it didn't make me totally unlovable - was a valuable first step.
Well done Jay,
Just because they are as they choose to be, does not mean that we have to be the same.
When your Nmom said that she did not believe in unconditional love, she unwittingly, she in effect released an enabling warning for you.
As for my Nmother, she said, "I won't change, I don't want to, why should I?" --- thank you mother for letting me know
Blessings,
Leah xx
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Hey Guys
Unconditional love is the state of being I wish to live in .
Many people have had labels and experiences projected onto them that are disabling.
This works both ways of course I am sure I have done this .
But despite unhealthy teachings I am reaching for the best within.
For now I am building strength and finding positive qualities I can contribute in life.
Why Unconditional Love?
Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times. It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations. It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be. In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it with everyone and everything around us! That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. This is the journey that changes everything.
The journey of unconditional love.
Many people have traveled this world with different dreams, purposes and aspirations. Many are masters, teachers, inventors and followers. They were all sent by the creator of the universe to achieve one just course; “global peace and unification.” But this course cannot be achieved without unconditional love, which possesses the power of the Divine for transformation. When the human race embraces love unconditional, then the lost will be found, the naked will be clothed, the hungry will be fed, the bombs will be destroyed and there will be peace and unity which will make us all to speak one language, “LOVE”. Let love abide .
So much love to you :D
moonlight
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Hi Moon,
Love your posting - wonderful!
In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it with everyone and everything around us! That which we send out, returns to us in greater measure. This is the journey that changes everything.
Loving ourselves, unconditionally, accepting and forgiving ourselves for any mistakes we may have made along our journey.
Letting go.
Then we can love others just the same as we love ourselves, unconditionally, with compassion.
With an awareness, and acceptance, that another may choose to not reciprocate.
Blessings to you.
Leah xx
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Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Bible
~I Corinthians 13:4-8~
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I sent this verse to my father once in a letter
moonlight
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LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS
Think of someone you really love.
Someone whose happiness you rejoice in,someone whose suffering you cannot bear .
Someone you put first ,before yourself, instinctively and without hesitation .
Perhaps your child,spouse,perhaps a parent or friend.
I think all of us have felt this way toward someone in our lives.
Now think what your life would be like -and what kind of person you would be-if you felt this way about more people,perhaps even all people.
And think what this world would be like if all of us felt this way about each other.That would be an enlightened world.
Dalai Lama
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Hate is a drug
Power is a drug
Abusers are addicts
The hate projected is a reflection of the feelings that the one who is projecting it has for themselves.
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SOME THOUGHTS ON PASTE BELOW OF WHAT LEAH SAID ON THIS TOPIC
FIRST A PASTE OF WHAT SHE SAID
AND THEN A PASTE OF PART OF WHAT SHE SAID WITH SOME OF MY COMMENTS IN CAPS :)
Logged
leah_nomoretears
Sr. Member
Posts: 352
. . . by their fruits you will know them.
Re: Unconditional Love
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2007, 05:34:16 PM »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unconditional love is something that I believe and especially with regard to God's love for us,
God always loves us, He may not like what we choose to do, but His love remains the same.
And so this thought provoking posting prompted me to do a little digging and reading on the subject of
Unconditional Love and Acceptance with regard to my Nmother and others.
Grateful thanks.
Leah xx
What is Unconditional love and Acceptance?
To love and accept other people unconditionally is:
Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in order to receive acceptance and love from you.
No use 'if...then...clauses' in establishing conditions for accepting and loving another.
Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits on the relationship.
"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the fact that they exist rather than for what they are.
Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.
No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.
Freedom to be your own person
Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth, caring, and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem and self-worth.
When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from others, you feel:
Free to be yourself.
You have value and worth.
Wanted and desired for you as you - rather than for what you do.
Listened to and understood.
That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.
Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.
You are OK just the way you are.
That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please another.
Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection or non-approval.
That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order to have open and honest relationships with them.
No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake or experience a failure.
That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.
What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and acceptance?
When people are NOT given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:
Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs and feelings.
Lack the freedom to be themselves.
Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.
Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.
Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is "right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.
Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.
Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.
Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future rejection and non-approval.
Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.
Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never be worthy of love or acceptance from others.
Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and therefore are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.
Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.
Become their own worst critics who are never able to unconditionally accept and love themselves.
OKAY HERE IS A PASTE OF PART OF WHAT LEAH SAID BUT WITH SOME COMMENTS IN CAPS
What is Unconditional love and Acceptance?
To love and accept other people unconditionally is:
Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in order to receive acceptance and love from you.
I THINK WHAT CAN MAKE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MORE CLEAR IS YES THAT THE OTHER
UNCONDITIONALLY IS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BUT SUCH LOVE IN ORDER TO BE MOST EFFECTIVE
IT NEED BE CONDITIONAL ON THE CONDITIONS THAT WILL MOST BENEFIT THE OTHER AND THAT MIGHT
BE AS IN LUKE 17:3 WHERE JESUS SAYS IF YOUR BROTHER SINS AGAINST YOU REBUKE HIM
AND WHEN HE REPENTS FORGIVE HIM….. SIGH DOES ANYONE SEE THE ISSUE OF TO PRACTICE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
ONE BEST DO WHAT IS MOST APPROBRIATE TO THE CONDITIONS INCLUDING THE CONDITIONS THE OTHER
HAS CREATED IN THEIR ABILITY TO RECEIVE LOVE AND THAT LOVING UNCONDTIONALLY CAN MEAN
TO WITHHOLD FORGIVENESS FOR SOME SINS UNTIL THE OTHER REPENTS, OTHERWISE ONE CAN BE GUILTY OF
ENABLING BAD BEHAVIOUR THO IN ONE’S MIND ONE WOULD SEE THAT ONE IS PRACTICING WHAT ONE THINKS
IS UNCONDTIONAL LOVE ACTUALLY ONE FAILS THO NOT INTENDING HARM, ONE BY FAILING TO SEE
BEYOND ONE’S OWN IDEALISTIC NOTIONS WHAT ONE COULD MORE EFFECTIVELY AND ONE EVEN ENABLES
THE BAD BEHAVIOUR OF THE OTHER TO SOME DEGREE AND THUS IS GUILTY OF THE SIN IN LUKE 12 I BELIEVE
THAT ONLY RECEIVES A FEW STRIPES OF CHASTISEMENT…[KING JAMES VERSION OF BIBLE LANGUAGE]
FOR THOSE FAMILIAR WITH THIS PASSAGE IN LUKE… THE ONE WHO KNOWS GOD’S WILL BUT FAILS TO DO IT
OR FAILS TO PREPARE TO DO AS THEY KNOW THEY SHOULD… THEY RECEIVE……..REMEMBERJ?
AND THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO KNOW EVIL AND DO EVIL…. THEY ARE TO BE CASTE AMONG
THE UNBELIEVERS AND TORN ASUNDER…. DAMNATION …THO I DON’T THINK DAMNATION OF A SOUL
IS SAID TO BE ETERNAL IN THE GREEK NEW TESTAMENT BUT RATHER A CERTAIN KIND OF PERIOD OF TIME ….
No use 'if...then...clauses' in establishing conditions for accepting and loving another.
Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits on the relationship.
"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the fact that they exist rather than for what they are.
Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.
No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.
Freedom to be your own person
Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth, caring, and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem and self-worth.
When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from others, you feel:
Free to be yourself.
You have value and worth.
Wanted and desired for you as you - rather than for what you do.
Listened to and understood.
That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.
Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.
You are OK just the way you are.
That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please another.
Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection or non-approval.
That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order to have open and honest relationships with them.
No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake or experience a failure.
That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.
What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and acceptance?
When people are NOT given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:
Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs and feelings.
Lack the freedom to be themselves.
Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.
Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.
Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is "right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.
Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.
Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.
Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future rejection and non-approval.
Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.
Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never be worthy of love or acceptance from others.
Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and therefore are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.
Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.
-
God loves the Sinner but does not like the Sin
God still extends His unconditional love, even though he waits for the repentant heart to turn to him.
How glad I am that I have His true unconditional love and His acceptance.
Glad am I to feel free to love unconditonally, but not like what they did or do to me.
Leah - who is truly happy to be me with love and acceptance.
I really do think that Healthy Boundaries prevents the enabling of abusive behaviour, and, may even be of some insightful help the abuser, should the abuser be of an attitude of heart to want to change.
Love to you all,
Leah
-
Leah
thank you for these words
God loves the Sinner but does not like the Sin
They remove fear and sadness with acceptance and love
moonlight
p.s. thank you CONSTANCY
PS.S. I was rapid cycling the worse ever yesterday if anyone knows what that is like bipolar stuff :oops:
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Thanks Moon,
God is Love and sometimes, I think he weeps at how we don't love each other as we should.
'the games people play' makes me weep in a compassionate way.
Truly,
Leah x
-
Dear All,
I am going to cut, paste and send parts of these threads to my brother who has been struggling with understanding our childhood. The description of the mother in the first post is that of our mother. She cannot help but want to control and be disappointed when she can't control. "You always did what you wanted." has been screamed at me many, many times in great anger, I never quite knew why that was bad but as the article explained, me doing what I wanted was a rejection of her....how very, very, very sad to be that insecure and that lacking in real love that you can't love others. Even though I never had unconditional love from my mother or ex NH I have learned to give it to my kids thru other people giving it to me.
GAP
-
any word why my reply a bit ago dissappeared...
oh maybe i pasted the wrong thing in..
i added my comments in caps to some of what i think leah said about uncondtional love
i hope this works right
What is Unconditional love and Acceptance?
To love and accept other people unconditionally is:
Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in order to receive acceptance and love from you.
I THINK WHAT CAN MAKE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE MORE CLEAR IS YES THAT THE OTHER
UNCONDITIONALLY IS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BUT SUCH LOVE IN ORDER TO BE MOST EFFECTIVE
IT NEED BE CONDITIONAL ON THE CONDITIONS THAT WILL MOST BENEFIT THE OTHER AND THAT MIGHT
BE AS IN LUKE 17:3 WHERE JESUS SAYS IF YOUR BROTHER SINS AGAINST YOU REBUKE HIM
AND WHEN HE REPENTS FORGIVE HIM….. SIGH DOES ANYONE SEE THE ISSUE OF TO PRACTICE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
ONE BEST DO WHAT IS MOST APPROBRIATE TO THE CONDITIONS INCLUDING THE CONDITIONS THE OTHER
HAS CREATED IN THEIR ABILITY TO RECEIVE LOVE AND THAT LOVING UNCONDTIONALLY CAN MEAN
TO WITHHOLD FORGIVENESS FOR SOME SINS UNTIL THE OTHER REPENTS, OTHERWISE ONE CAN BE GUILTY OF
ENABLING BAD BEHAVIOUR THO IN ONE’S MIND ONE WOULD SEE THAT ONE IS PRACTICING WHAT ONE THINKS
IS UNCONDTIONAL LOVE ACTUALLY ONE FAILS THO NOT INTENDING HARM, ONE BY FAILING TO SEE
BEYOND ONE’S OWN IDEALISTIC NOTIONS WHAT ONE COULD MORE EFFECTIVELY AND ONE EVEN ENABLES
THE BAD BEHAVIOUR OF THE OTHER TO SOME DEGREE AND THUS IS GUILTY OF THE SIN IN LUKE 12 I BELIEVE
THAT ONLY RECEIVES A FEW STRIPES OF CHASTISEMENT…[KING JAMES VERSION OF BIBLE LANGUAGE]
FOR THOSE FAMILIAR WITH THIS PASSAGE IN LUKE… THE ONE WHO KNOWS GOD’S WILL BUT FAILS TO DO IT
OR FAILS TO PREPARE TO DO AS THEY KNOW THEY SHOULD… THEY RECEIVE……..REMEMBERJ?
AND THEN THERE ARE THOSE WHO KNOW EVIL AND DO EVIL…. THEY ARE TO BE CASTE AMONG
THE UNBELIEVERS AND TORN ASUNDER…. DAMNATION …THO I DON’T THINK DAMNATION OF A SOUL
IS SAID TO BE ETERNAL IN THE GREEK NEW TESTAMENT BUT RATHER A CERTAIN KIND OF PERIOD OF TIME ….
No use 'if...then...clauses' in establishing conditions for accepting and loving another.
Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits on the relationship.
"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the fact that they exist rather than for what they are.
Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.
No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.
Freedom to be your own person
Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth, caring, and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem and self-worth.
When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from others, you feel:
Free to be yourself.
You have value and worth.
Wanted and desired for you as you - rather than for what you do.
Listened to and understood.
That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.
Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.
You are OK just the way you are.
That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please another.
Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection or non-approval.
That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order to have open and honest relationships with them.
No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake or experience a failure.
That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.
What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and acceptance?
When people are NOT given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:
Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs and feelings.
Lack the freedom to be themselves.
Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.
Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their own actions and decisions.
Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.
Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is "right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.
Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.
Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.
Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.
Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future rejection and non-approval.
Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be accepted and loved by others.
Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never be worthy of love or acceptance from others.
Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and therefore are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.
Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.
-
Constancy,
Your 1st post is still there ............just scroll up and you will see it Reply #37 on: Today at 11:01:41 PM
Hope that helps you find it.
Leah
-
Capacity for Love
There is in each of us, no matter how humble, a capacity for love. Even if our lives have not taken the course we had envisioned, even if we are less than the shape of our dreams, we are part of the human family. Somewhere, in the most inconsequential corners of our lives, is the opportunity for love.
If I am blind, I can run my hand across the back of a shell and celebrate beauty.
If I have no legs, I can sit in quiet wonder before the restless murmurs of the sea.
If I am wounded in spirit, I can reach out my hand to those who are hurting.
If I am lonely, I can go among those who are desperate for love.
There is no tragedy or injustice so great, no life so small and inconsequential, that we cannot bear witness to the light in the quiet acts and hidden moments of our days.
And who can say which of these acts and moments will make a difference? The universe is a vast and magical membrane of meaning, stretching across time and space, and it is not given to us to know her secrets and her ways. Perhaps we were placed here to meet the challenge of a single moment; perhaps the touch we give will cause the touch that will change the world.
That each of you should know love. And before you are capable of loving someone else completely, may you find true healthy self love, because you are worth loving.
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Hey, Leah,
Did you post this twice? I think I ran across it on another thread.
CB
-
Hi CB,
Yes, On 'Anything' as Izzy and I both posted for Valentine 'love' day ........ and as this is so lovely, sent out to everyone on an inspirational email ...........thought it fitted both threads really, for today is 'love day'
Just thought it was so uplifting and wanted to share.
Hope thats okay.
Leah x
deleted it
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Hi Moon, hon,
I was on the wrong thread when I asked how you are so just wanted to say again that I'm thinking of you, and so sorry you had a rough day.
You are doing such a very good job working with your talents and your challenges and responding to love and help...
I hope the rapid cycling has calmed, it must feel awful.
love,
Hops
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Love you, Moon!
Get rested up...see you soon.
CB
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Lots of Love to you (((((( Moon ))))))
In my thoughts and prayers
You are a very special wise lady.
Blesssing,
Leah xx
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Just thinking of you ((((Moon))))
missing you, and your wise, kind, thoughtfulness.
Sweet dreams and blessings,
Leah xx