Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: isittoolate on March 15, 2007, 09:56:39 PM

Title: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 15, 2007, 09:56:39 PM: Hi all,
The therapist told me today that I am the most disconnected client she has ever had.

She said that I have had so much trauma in my life that I went in overload and shut down!

Well............................. I thought I was robotic, so it came as no surprise.
love
Izzy

clickety,
clackety,
clunk
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/robot.jpg)
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Overcomer on March 15, 2007, 10:22:14 PM: Well I dont think of you that way at all. But I guess we all have our coping mechanisms and it takes awhile to undo some of the things we have had to endure.
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Gaining Strength on March 15, 2007, 10:33:42 PM: Not the end - the beginning.

I see by your post that the word "disconnected" was terribly wounding. I also see that you have a therapist who can see immediately how much pain you have suffered and validate that suffering. I suspect she used the word "disconnected" as an acknowledgment of the unbelievable pain you have endured rather than as a pronouncement that you bad person. I also suspect that she wants to help you connect. Well you've got a heads up on that. You've connected well here and that means you can connect well in real time. Don't let this get you down, let it give you hope. That's how I see it. I want you to move into the hope - it really will bring you through.
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: teartracks on March 15, 2007, 11:10:54 PM: ((((((((((Iz))))))))))),

I amen what GS said.

teartracks
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 12:14:37 AM: Thank you OC.
and GS, you are a wall of strength to me.
and tt
and besee, yes my inner truth. This one typing this message is a 'false self'-- a person without connectiions to her emotions and unfortunately that makes me think of an N, but I don't see that in me.

I hope no one sees me as an N, from this post. I live alone and like it. I've had such traumas that I talk about them as though they happened to someone else, or that it was a book I read at some time.

She said I "zoned out' [my term] when I was very little.

Yes GC she will try to help me connect. There is much to do and we laugh together. I did a Jack Benny thing, each hand on a cheek, saying something, like "Oh My!". Whatever .........but she is too young to know Jack Benny and I had to explain--ah well.

What a mess, but remember....my daughter wanted answers and changes, so I'm spending her inheritance to get them. I am doing this for me too.

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Hopalong on March 16, 2007, 12:15:36 AM: what they said (GS,TT)

((((((((((((((iZZZY))))))))))))))))))\\

hOPS
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Leah on March 16, 2007, 04:42:12 AM: Ditto GS & TT

((((((((( Izzy )))))))))

You're on your way!

Hope in your heart is your anchor

Leah xx
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Lupita on March 16, 2007, 06:36:02 AM: Izzi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You rock girl!!!!!!!!!! You are funny, sensitive, and wonderful!!!!!!!!!

Everybody loves you!!!!!!!!!

Lupita
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: teartracks on March 16, 2007, 12:11:31 PM: Hi Iz,

So what? You have lots of overloads on the system. Your inner protection is working. That's a GOOD thing.

I believe this too. I have come to believe that it may be beneficial to embrace that part of us that stepped up to the plate to protect us when circumstances became unbearable. That was/is our coping self. What would have happened had there not been a coping self to stand between us and the awfulness?

By following a new plan, i.e., seeing the therapist, self examination and the written exchanges here on the board, a new pattern for handling dysfunction will emerge. That new pattern will be the one by which one by one other pockets of dysfunction will have to conform. It will take time, but it can happen. I know. Be of good cheer.

teartracks
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 03:25:41 PM: Thanks all,

I was talking to her about a sister of mine, who had my daughter after the car accident and didn't bring her to see me but once in 2 months: how angry I was, but helpless.

Therapist interrupted , "Whoao, whoa whoa here! You are talking about some pretty heavy........... .."

The point is that she was listening but she didn't hear a change in my voice or manner, like I was just reading from a book, but my words impacted her, not my manner.

Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: seastorm on March 16, 2007, 03:33:24 PM: Dear Izzy,

So glad you are seeing a therapist. I am a bit curious about the word disconnected and not sure what it really means in this context. I assume it means that you checked out in childhood and for much of the abuse you suffered. This is a blessed defense under those circumstances. On the board here I experience you as really stepping up to the plate and revealing yourself and connecting with others (me too). You are funny, wry, smart and curious.

It would be good to let therapist lady know how you feel about what she says to you. This helps build trust. If she says something that really jolts you, maybe it would help to clarify her meaning. In a way it is good that she is not beating around the bush and she must sense that you want to work.
You are really moving forward, Izzy, and I am in your cheering section.

Mucho love,

Sea storm
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 04:06:27 PM: hi seastorm,

Disconnected means I am not connected to my emotions. My therapist's word and could be the same as dissociated.
I disconnected when very young. I expect that is why I always 'felt' different, on the outside looking in, the black sheep, invisible, unimportant etc.

You might recall my "rip in my universe" post when I had that 'tear into another part of me', a very revealing feeling of absolute love for my baby, then the rip closed. I had a very short connection to my REAL feelings at that time, I suspect.

I also said in that post:
"My childhood was so filled with dysfunction, rage, anger, beating, rejection, absenteeism of parental love, concern, support that I just might have “shut down” and entered my own world within the real world.

When I read that Shame is the master emotion, controlling all others, except anger, I somehow felt that all my other emotions were tucked away in a locked box somewhere within me, and I cannot access them, to understand them

I cannot write about my emotions as you others do! I don’t know what they are".

There is nothing my therpist can tell me, right now, that will surprise me. I am just happy that she is "reading me'

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: seastorm on March 16, 2007, 04:33:17 PM: Izzy,

I am so touched by what you are saying. I think you feel a great deal and your words are like poetry when your describe this state of feelings. How good it must feel to have your feelings validated finally.
I am at a loss for words. I just hope good things for you. You have had a tough row to hoe and it is your turn to be fully alive and feeling. There are some good feelings coming. You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.
I care about you. I care how you feel.

Lots of love,

Sea storm
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 06:35:23 PM: Quote from: seastorm on March 16, 2007, 04:33:17 PM
Izzy,

You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.

Let me make this perfectly clear--(Nixon?)

I have shut down for about 65 years--that's a lot of time to live without "feeling".

The therapist and I have much to discuss!!

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Margo on March 16, 2007, 06:58:27 PM: Quote from: isittoolate on March 15, 2007, 09:56:39 PM
Hi all,
The therapist told me today that I am the most disconnected client she has ever had.

She said that I have had so much trauma in my life that I went in overload and shut down!

Well............................. I thought I was robotic, so it came as no surprise.
love
Izzy

clickety,
clackety,
clunk
(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/robot.jpg)

Margo/Tremusan writes: Disconnected, huh? Wow. Sounds like learning to connect again will take some time and some new skills. Some people tend to live in their heads and I understand that well enough.

By disconnected.... I suppose they meant that you aren't allowing yourself to feel your feelings? Well.... you have problems, lol.... just like the rest of us. Like everyone else, in other words. What is your therapist saying about getting in touch with your feelings and learning to gain skills to keep you there? Tremusan
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Margo on March 16, 2007, 07:24:06 PM: Quote from: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 06:35:23 PM
Quote from: seastorm on March 16, 2007, 04:33:17 PM
Izzy,

You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.

Let me make this perfectly clear--(Nixon?)

I have shut down for about 65 years--that's a lot of time to live without "feeling".

The therapist and I have much to discuss!!

Love
Izzy

Wow...... when my 66 yo best friend finally fell apart, during her divorce from a probably N spouse..... she cried and cried like a baby, crying for her mama. This, after being pretty much disconnected from her feelings all her life. It was an enlightening experience for her. It let her know that she'd never learned to deal with her emotions before that, mainly because she wasn't in touch with them. Therapists pretty well pointed out how they saw things. They also saw her husband as an N.

I must say that she's moved through prozac, something she thought helped a bit, and kept learning and growing till she's come out more in touch. She's aware now. That really helped get through everything. Letting herself get angry. Giving herself permission to BE angry. GETTING angry and giving that anger a VOICE helped her individuate and experience her emotions more fully. She's a happy healthy active 76yo woman who very much knows her own mind, has opinions, is informed and enjoying her children and grandchildren.

I must say..... she's even let go of all the anger she had her for N.... and the mistress he married. You can do it too. The desire to help yourself will get you started. Now..... be gentle and forgive yourself as you go. I want to say......"think of it as an interesting journey" but.... then I want to smack myself. I'm so sorry there will be pain for you..... getting in touch with feelings that poignant. Just know this..... you can always quit. If you keep working on it though... .all that pain will give way to better things. They're waiting for you. Moving through the fire is hard and most people can't do it. But it's the only way and it will end. Better things will begin. Stick with it. ((((())))))

I also want you to know that I believe it IS hope that kills us. When we give up hoping for impossible things.... we may feel that it will kill us.... but it never does. It just banishes our ghosts and lets us face the real moments before us. Good luck.
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 07:44:07 PM: (((((((Margo)))

Thank you for your kind words of hope for this "old lady"

......"think of it as an interesting journey" ...................

The way I am now I believe that is exactly what I think it will be........
................ however, I might meet the real me and scream to the high hills and go over the edge again!

It let her know that she'd never learned to deal with her emotions before that, mainly because she wasn't in touch with them.

You got it! That is me! I haven't cried since 1992--after being one year estranged from my daughter and grandchildren.

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

love
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: debkor on March 16, 2007, 08:00:21 PM: Izzy,

I think I may understand maybe just a tiny bit to your lock box with you feelings.
I experienced it one time when I lost my first child. I shut right down in the hospital. I knew she was dying. I said it. I was not showing any emotion. I was on robot mode. I was staying in control no matter how horrible it was. There was nothing I could do about it. My hysteria would not have fixed anything. I was aware of what was going on at all times. They tried to tell me I was in a denial because I refused to go upstairs and see my baby. But they would never say she was dying. They even sent in a shrink to talk to me and push me to go see her. I was yelling at this point. I know she's dying, I saw her when she was born now get out where is my OB.
They told me he would be in to see me shortly but never where he was. He finally came in after I had thrown everyone out. I looked at him and said is she dying, he said yes. That is all I wanted (validation). He said he wasn't with me because he was with my daughter the whole time. I said I don't want to see her is that OK. I saw her when she was born and touched her (he validated that too) he had seen me do it. I told him I know she's hooked up to everything and I don't want to remember her that way. He validated that too. I rather remember her the way she was born. I was not in a denial. He validated that also. Then I opened up the lock box. I felt safe.
Funny thing is when I had to go back for my checkup a month later. He leaned against the wall put his eyes down then up into mine and said I hope I did the right thing. He didn't tell me when I was in hard labor how bad off my baby was. He didn't want to make it any harder on me at that time. He had told my family what was going on and said he though it better to not tell me. He was suffering if he had made the right decision to not tell me from the start. I told him he was right and he threw his arms around me and gave me a kiss. I validated his feelings and decision also. He needed me to validate he did the right thing. Then he cried. I guess everyone has lock boxes.
Some just take longer to unlock.

I think you are a wonderful person Izzy and you will find that key.
This is probably my understanding (very little) short experience that I can kind of identify a little bit of a lockbox.

Love
Deb
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Margo on March 16, 2007, 08:05:41 PM: I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

love
Izzy

Margo/Tremusan writes:

I don't know that you'll recognize her when you meet her, lol. These things sort of sneak up on us.... they don't pounce, IME. ((())))
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 17, 2007, 07:58:40 PM: Thank you tt, and Margo

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

I hope I live long enough to meet you too!

We're cute!

Deb: Your story is heart-wrenching. I can tell. I won't ask you any more about it, but I wonder how I would be in such a situation, when I would be already shutdown.dissocated.disconnected.everything locked up tight inside.

If one's familiy and friends don't know about "shutting down" they might think the other to be cruel and heartless.

At this point I am 2000 miles away from everyone.

The people here don't know my past, only my therapist and she is calling it heavy-duty stuff!
I have been very introspective today, thinking about my brother, the youngest, and my sister, between us, are coming to see me in AUGUST. Ever since I was told about this visit, I have been edgy. I don't know whether to be as usual with them, or tell them the truth. If/Since they were not as affected by the family dysfunction as was I, I doubt they will understand.

I am SO familar with people, who have not walked a mile in my shoes, who don't understand.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood~~~Seneca

Love Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: axa on March 19, 2007, 10:06:42 AM: Izzy,

Reading your post reminded me of when I started therapy about 10 years ago. I would relate stories about my childhood, life, etc to my therapist and she told me it was like listening to someone reading a book. I had NO connection with the feelings of the abuse. It was how i survived, they were just too painful. I have been attaching to my feelings over the past ten years, have had many difficulties and struggles but now feel real or should I say now feel. It is so different. I am so grateful you posted this thread as it has helped me see how far I have come.

I guess we are all taking the road less travelled here. I know this is difficult but wish you strength on your road.

axa
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 19, 2007, 01:16:46 PM: Thank you axa,

I needed this, as I haven't heard from anyone else who had detached and the was able to feel.

Quote from: isittoolate on March 16, 2007, 03:25:41 PM
Thanks all,

I was talking to her about a sister of mine, who had my daughter after the car accident and didn't bring her to see me but once in 2 months: how angry I was, but helpless.

Therapist interrupted , "Whoao, whoa whoa here! You are talking about some pretty heavy........... .."

The point is that she was listening but she didn't hear a change in my voice or manner, like I was just reading from a book, but my words impacted her, not my manner.

Izzy

It was that, with the therapist and I knew I was talking by rote, but she was hearing me.

Wow 10 years. I don't know if I have that much money!

Love
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: debkor on March 19, 2007, 02:02:21 PM: Izzy,

Are you aware of the talent you have?

You should really write a book. You have such a talent of expressing things. The way you write I can picture the story (like a movie in my head) as I read.
You remind me that if you were to write/movie it would be something like (Fried Green Tomatos). What I mean is not that exact movie but done in that fashion. Story done about the life of Izzy.

Deb
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 19, 2007, 05:27:11 PM: Hiya Deb,

Yes I am surprised that you say I have talent. I think that what I write is so straight and to the point that it would be dismissed for not being Flowery enough.

I see what you been about the style of Fried Green Tomatoes. Hmmmm!??

Love Izzy

Hiya TT

Thank you for the post
I said, "I needed this, as I haven't heard from anyone else who had detached and the(n) was able to feel.

I omitted the 'n' and was responding to axa.
"...anyone...who had disconnected and then learned how to feel"

My therapist is asking me, when I relate something 'heavy-duty', what I fell in my chest............. and there is nothing or just a twinge.........not the "ready to explode" feelings that I used to have at times, so as much as I disconnected very young, as more traumas came I've become worse, I think.

Being singled out for something/anything would almost make me lose my mind. I would shake and stammer and have a chest ready to explode.

Now it wouldn't matter if the Queen asked to see me, I would take it with a grain of salt.

Thanks
Izzy
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: Margo on March 19, 2007, 06:03:39 PM: Quote from: isittoolate on March 17, 2007, 07:58:40 PM
Thank you tt, and Margo

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

I hope I live long enough to meet you too!

We're cute!

Deb: Your story is heart-wrenching. I can tell. I won't ask you any more about it, but I wonder how I would be in such a situation, when I would be already shutdown.dissocated.disconnected.everything locked up tight inside.

If one's familiy and friends don't know about "shutting down" they might think the other to be cruel and heartless.

At this point I am 2000 miles away from everyone.

The people here don't know my past, only my therapist and she is calling it heavy-duty stuff!
I have been very introspective today, thinking about my brother, the youngest, and my sister, between us, are coming to see me in AUGUST. Ever since I was told about this visit, I have been edgy. I don't know whether to be as usual with them, or tell them the truth. If/Since they were not as affected by the family dysfunction as was I, I doubt they will understand.

I am SO familar with people, who have not walked a mile in my shoes, who don't understand.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood~~~Seneca

Love Izzy

I think that the best place to be is where you can be honest with them and accepted. They may need to hear your truth in small bites.... in a way that doesn't bring up shame and blame in themselves. God only knows that they may feel something awful like they failed you and each other and should have been able to save you or whatever.... .and they jump sideways. They may do a lot of things but I would focus on what you want them to hear. That would have to be some of the truth if it was me in your shoes. What do you think? Chances are.... they'll have their own stories to share with you about how they were affected. ((()))
Title: Re: Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?
Post by: isittoolate on March 19, 2007, 06:23:31 PM: Hi TT

I am learning here what I ought to have learned YEARS ago.

Disconnect --I infer there are no feelings and they must be found.

Detach-- I infer to be about One particular thing, but still feelings about others.

Indifferent--I infer that it is about one /two particular people but not EVERYONE.

I've had only 2 visits with her--the last one being she discovered my 'disconnection'. I've needed this week to take it in, now I can ask her on Thursday!
xx
Izzy