Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?

[isittoolate]

Hi all,
The therapist told me today that I am the most disconnected client she has ever had.

She said that I have had so much trauma in my life that I went in overload and shut down!

Well............................. I thought I was robotic, so it came as no surprise.
love
Izzy

clickety,
clackety,
clunk

[Overcomer]

Well I dont think of you that way at all.  But I guess we all have our coping mechanisms and it takes awhile to undo some of the things we have had to endure.

[Gaining Strength]

Not the end - the beginning. 

I see by your post that the word "disconnected" was terribly wounding.  I also see that you have a therapist who can see immediately how much pain you have suffered and validate that suffering.  I suspect she used the word "disconnected" as an acknowledgment of the unbelievable pain you have endured rather than as a pronouncement that you bad person.  I also suspect that she wants to help you connect.  Well you've got a heads up on that.  You've connected well here and that means you can connect well in real time.  Don't let this get you down, let it give you hope.  That's how I see it.  I want you to move into the hope - it really will bring you through.

[teartracks]

((((((((((Iz))))))))))),

I amen what GS said.

teartracks

[isittoolate]

Thank you OC.
and GS, you are a wall of strength to me.
and tt
and besee, yes my inner truth. This one typing this message is a 'false self'-- a person without connectiions to her emotions and unfortunately that makes me think of an N, but I don't see that in me.

I hope no one sees me as an N, from this post. I live alone and like it. I've had such traumas that I talk about them as though they happened to someone else, or that it was a book I read at some time.

She said I "zoned out' [my term] when I was very little.

Yes GC she will try to help me connect. There is much to do and we laugh together. I did a Jack Benny thing, each hand on a cheek, saying something, like "Oh My!". Whatever .........but she is too young to know Jack Benny and I had to explain--ah well.

What a mess, but remember....my daughter wanted answers and changes, so I'm spending her inheritance to get them. I am doing this for me too.

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

what they said (GS,TT)

((((((((((((((iZZZY))))))))))))))))))\\

hOPS

[Leah]

Ditto   GS & TT

((((((((( Izzy )))))))))

You're on your way!

Hope in your heart is your anchor

Leah xx

[Lupita]

Izzi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You rock girl!!!!!!!!!!  You are funny, sensitive, and wonderful!!!!!!!!!

Everybody loves you!!!!!!!!!


Lupita

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

So what?  You have lots of overloads on the system.  Your inner protection is working.  That's a GOOD thing. 

I believe this too.  I have come to believe that it may be beneficial to embrace that part of us that stepped up to the plate to protect us when circumstances became unbearable.  That was/is our coping self.  What would have happened had there not been a coping self to stand between us and the awfulness?

By following a new plan, i.e., seeing the therapist, self examination and the written exchanges here on the board,  a new pattern for handling dysfunction will emerge.  That new pattern will be the one by which one by one other pockets of dysfunction will have to conform.  It will take time, but it can happen.  I know.  Be of good cheer.

teartracks

[isittoolate]

Thanks all,

I was talking to her about a sister of mine, who had my daughter after the car accident and didn't bring her to see me but once in 2 months: how angry I was, but helpless.

Therapist interrupted , "Whoao, whoa whoa here! You are talking about some pretty heavy........... .."

The point is that she was listening but she didn't hear a change in my voice  or manner, like I was just reading from a book, but my words impacted her, not my manner.

Izzy

[seastorm]

Dear Izzy,

So glad you are seeing a therapist. I am a bit curious about the word disconnected and not sure what it really means in this context.  I assume it means that you checked out in childhood and for much of the abuse you suffered. This is a blessed defense under those circumstances.  On the board here I experience you as really stepping up to the plate and revealing yourself and connecting with others (me too). You are funny, wry, smart and curious.

It would be good to let therapist lady know how you feel about what she says to you. This helps build trust. If she says something that really jolts you, maybe it would help to clarify her meaning.  In a way it is good that she is not beating around the bush and she must sense that you want to work.
You are really moving forward, Izzy, and I am in your cheering section.

Mucho love,

Sea storm

[isittoolate]

hi seastorm,

Disconnected means I am not connected to my emotions.  My therapist's word and could be the same as dissociated.
I disconnected when very young. I expect that is why I always 'felt' different, on the outside looking in, the black sheep, invisible, unimportant etc.

You might recall my "rip in my universe" post when I had that 'tear into another part of me', a very revealing feeling of absolute love for my baby, then the rip closed. I had a very short connection to my REAL feelings at that time, I suspect.

I also said in that post:
"My childhood was so filled with dysfunction, rage, anger, beating, rejection, absenteeism of parental love, concern, support that I just might have “shut down” and entered my own world within the real world.

When I read that Shame is the master emotion, controlling all others, except anger, I somehow felt that all my other emotions were tucked away in a locked box somewhere within me, and I cannot access them, to understand them

I cannot write about my emotions as you others do! I don’t know what they are".

There is nothing my therpist can tell me, right now, that will surprise me. I am just happy that she is "reading me'

Love
Izzy

[seastorm]

Izzy,

I am so touched by what you are saying. I think you feel a great deal and your words are like poetry when your describe this state of feelings. How good it must feel to have your feelings validated finally.
I am at a loss for words.  I just hope good things for you. You have had a tough row to hoe and it is your turn to be fully alive and feeling.  There are some good feelings coming. You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.
I care about you. I care how you feel.

Lots of love,

Sea storm

[isittoolate]

Izzy,

 You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.

Let me make this perfectly clear--(Nixon?)

I have shut down for about 65 years--that's a lot of time to live without "feeling".

The therapist and I have much to discuss!!

Love
Izzy

[Margo]

Hi all,
The therapist told me today that I am the most disconnected client she has ever had.

She said that I have had so much trauma in my life that I went in overload and shut down!

Well............................. I thought I was robotic, so it came as no surprise.
love
Izzy

clickety,
clackety,
clunk

Margo/Tremusan writes:  Disconnected, huh?  Wow.  Sounds like learning to connect again will take some time and some new skills.  Some people tend to live in their heads and I understand that well enough. 

By disconnected.... I suppose they meant that you aren't allowing yourself to feel your feelings?  Well.... you have problems, lol.... just like the rest of us.  Like everyone else, in other words.  What is your therapist saying about getting in touch with your feelings and learning to gain skills to keep you there?  Tremusan