She thinks everybody has turned against her, including my 10 year old, who has no idea what is really going on.
I bet it's not exactly what she thinks. I bet it's what she wants you to believe she thinks and what she is trying to get herself to believe. The truth is.....she can't face the shame of her own behaviour and so she is trying to turn it around......make herself the victim......turn you into the rotten people (you and son) who have all turned against her for no good reason! She has done not a thing wrong to deserve this horrible treatment (which is what she proclaims.....wants you to believe......is trying to convince herself of.... see how awful you are treating her (you're not moving out for yourself......you're doing it to harm her eh?). Project the shame and guilt onto you!! Onto your son!!!!!
They have to have THEIR VERSION of the reality kept at all costs, and if you dare to show the world by defying her version and doing what YOU want, then you're what my NMum called 'wicked and sinful'.
Yoo hoo! I brought you a BATH MAT!!! :lol:
Did your mom get meaner as she got older? Mine used to at least have moments of compassion, but now she's so negative that no one wants to be around her.
Ami,
I can't pretend to understand her. I can't pretend that I understand this idea that this is all about her. The truth is she's never forgiven me for getting pregnant when I was 22. She was hateful about that. She's made plenty of biting, punishing comments about how I've shamed her for my mistake. This whole thing is not about moving. It's about defiance. I'm defying her. I'm saying, what we've got here isn't working, it's time for something new. She doesn't like that because she always has to be right. I've managed to get another perspective on the situation, and I see how truly dysfunctional this model is. I have committed the ultimate sin and I have broken the silence.
It is a sort of death, although I don't think I'm really mourning the loss of the mother/daughter relationship. We don't really have one. We have a mockery of that. I'm mourning that I'm never going to have that, and I'm going to have to find a replacement for that relationship.
Am I courageous? Maybe. I know I was certainly scared last night, and I said what I needed to say anyway. I tried to give voice to my hurt, but it didn't happen. She wouldn't listen to me. My voice didn't matter. I'm probably going to have to undo whatever she's done to my son today. As my brother pointed out, he's been used against me. Every time I've tried to break away, she's there to twist that knife. There was a point a few months ago that I really began to resent my son because I'd never gotten the chance to live. It wasn't his fault. But I was projecting my anger onto him. My mother quickly pointed out that I've yelled at him, and I have. I'm not proud of that, but I do know that those moments when he tries my patience most are when she has been ragging on us, and that gets me tense and that tension erupts. I do not, however spend every conversation with my son, seeing how much I can criticize him. He's got enough problems, he doesn't need criticisms.
Just a reminder, has the DA decided what he can and can't do with regard to charging your mother with her criminal actions?
Getting out of your mother's home is going to be a breath of fresh air and I quoted your post bc it was so powerful, it bears repeating.
Tayana, my biggest regret in my D's childhood is that I allowed my Nmother to nearly take over--she, my D, is trying to cope with the damage even now, at 26--and I think she's got many years of "debriefing" to go.
Do throw yourself into finding other resources/camps/programs for M ASAP. He does not need her influence. It's toxic to his developing mind. You don't need to discuss it with him unless he needs to talk about her. You just need to begin involving him in his own childhood. He's suffocating in the tension between you and her. He loves her, and on their weekly or whatever visits, he can try to enjoy her. But he's not going to fit her mold forever, since you're helping him have a chance not to.
She is REALLY TOXIC. And I hope you can limit the time with her severely. And preferably counter every toxic remark she makes with a confident/adult/mother correction every time you hear it.
I know how desperately difficult it is to find adequate day care arrangements, but do your best. I deferred to my Nmother's constantly availability for my D, and it was a huge mistake. I was an exhausted single parent too...I know what it's like. That's why I caved and let my D spend tons of time every week with them.
Ami,
I have always tried to please her, and it just doesn't work. She doesn't like anything I do. It wouldn't matter if I hit the lottery and won 800 million dollars, I wouldn't be doing something right. She'd tell me how to spend my money.
I've had to accept that nothing is going to please her, no matter what, and that the only person I can make happy is myself. I wrote about that yesterday on my blog. http://tayana.blogspot.com (http://tayana.blogspot.com) So I just had to give up trying to please her. She isn't happy with me living with her, but she doesn't want me to move either. She makes no sense, and it's a waste of my energy trying to understand her.
She is hoping for you to be scared and think you can't make it on your own. In reality she is the one who can't make it on her own and is afraid.
Wow she is pulling out everything she has left (tactics). I'll tell you N's never cease to amaze me. They just don't stop. They keep going and going then going some more.
[Question: is it safe, are the people you work for safe enough, for you to tell them that your mother is harassing you, if you find that you must explain yourself about this? You might want to prepare a detached way of explaining it, in advance, in case of need. Perhaps focusing on the impact on the business of you being sidelined by mommysitting while the work you need to do is interrupted... and this isn't emotionally good for your dear mother, either... so you have taken charge and are doing the hard but necessary thing... weaning her off calling you at work... etc. It's just possible that you could make a case for getting Caller ID on your phone at work, if the rollover strategy becomes a problem.]
At home: Caller ID and voicemail. You may want to get Call Waiting also, with voicemail. Not because you want to take her calls in the middle of talking to friends, but because of this wonderful feature: -- with call waiting, she will NEVER get a busy signal. You'll get the little silent beeps, but she will hear the phone ringing, then roll over to vmail. As long as your vmail doesn't rat you out ['tayana is on the phone'], she'll NEVER know when you are on the phone. And THAT means that she'll NEVER know for sure if you are there or not when she calls. This is one of the most blissful unintended side effects of call waiting -- as long as you have voicemail with it and incoming calls roll over. --
Also you might read Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear". IMO, your mother is, for all intents and purposes, stalking you, and his advice about stalkers may stand you in good stead.
Ah na na. She makes PERFECT sense. It's always about controlling you, keeping you off balance, getting the upper hand.
... and when I move from this place, that one will be mine too, hopefully I'll be able to buy that one.
He said that he realized that the proverb was describing us. We have all lived with two hands full--we had a lot of "things" and a steady income and apparent security. Now we are poor and we have very little. But we were all sitting in the living room together and none of us was waiting for the other shoe to drop. We were completely at peace and enjoying each other's company. There was no one glowering in the corner. We have one hand full of so much.
I will have to look into the safety programs though.
Now, she's going to come with me Sunday