It's done

[Hopalong]

I know why you're tired!
Hey! Be on your own side and ask yourself what you'd say to a friend who had to do a primal battle with her mother for the sake of not only her own emotional survival but that of her autistic child.

Would you say...whatssa matta with you? I don't know why you're so tired....

((((((((Tayana, exhausted for excellent reasons)))))

Hops

[lighter]

Rest when you need to rest.  Be kind to yourself.  You'll feel better when the anxiety isn't so extreme. 

Goodness, who wouldn't be exhausted while living in the lion's den?!?!?



About turning 30. 

30 is the time to quit making the same old mistakes.

it's time to make new mistakes. 

I always liked that saying. 

(((tayana)))

It's a shame but, you can't change your parents.  All you can do is control your expectations and how you deal with the craziness.  You're doing great.

[tayana]

I brought a bunch of boxes home and I was all set to do some serious packing, but I can't seem to find the energy.  So I'm going to rest.  I think I'll go do some laundry, in fact.  All my mother does is sit downstairs like a d***ed hawk, watching TV.  She even left the table tonight when M started talking about moving.  She graciously offered me some excess kitchen items, and M was going on and on about all of the stuff.  She she just got up and left.

She told M that she would be all alone when we left.  Now remember, she does nothing but complain about my dog, my kid, everything.  She complains about the dog getting hair everywhere.  She complains about having to fix lunch.  Half the time when I call home, she'll say something like "I'm going to kill this kid . . ."  M has seemed very clingy and wanting attention all of a sudden.  I'm not sure why.

I could just strangle her for trying that guilt crap on a 10 year old though.

[Hopalong]

Hey T,
Hope you can pluck up the energy to tell M,

"Your grandma is wrong to say that kind of thing.
It's not nice to say something to make a wonderful boy like you feel bad?

That's crazy!"

etc
Hops

[tayana]

He didn't seem too upset about it really.  It was more of a stray comment on his part, so I didn't react too much, even though I was fuming inside.  I sort of take my cues from him, if he's really upset, then I would say something.  I've confronted my mom before over things she's said to him about me.  She denies it of course, but she is a little more conscientious about what she says for a few days.  So, I'll wait and see.  If he starts to feel upset about it, then I'll say something.  So far it's not affecting him too much.

[Hopalong]

Trust your judgment, T.

Hops

[tayana]

Hops,

Well, last night after he'd gone to bed and been in bed about fifteen minutes, he came and got into bed with me.  He had written me a note that said he was too sad to sleep.  He was sad because he was thinking about Grandma being all alone, and he didn't want her to be alone.  He was trying to think of ways to keep her from being lonely.  This at least tells me he's got some empathy for others after all.  I was starting to worry.  So, I said, it was wrong of Grandma to tell you that and you don't have to feel bad because she's going to be lonely.  She has the ability to change that.  So then he was talking about ways to keep her from being lonely, and I told him again that it was all right if he was mad at me about this move, but that we would be fine.  I hope that was okay.  I also told him I would stop asking him what Grandma had told him during the day, but that I would keep asking how he felt about moving.

So this morning, my mother was lying in wait for me.  She has progressed from being angry and hurtful, to helpful and hurtful.  Here was the gist of the conversation, and apparently she's been expecting this for five years, but I sure was fooled.

She tells me, "You might as well get off your high horse because you'll need our help."

Now remember, I was not the one who pitched a major hissy and didn't speak for three days unless it was to spew out more hurtful comments.  So then she starts asking normal questions about the apartment.  Does it have a microwave?  How big are the closets?  those kinds of questions.

Then I get, "Are you going to have to use M's money to get into this apartment?"

"No.  I can use my own money."

Like I'm so destitute that I can't afford this.   I've been saving and planning for several years to be able to move.

Then we get more normal questions, and then, "Well I think you should let M come out here for 3 or 4 days a week to start with."  She doesn't offer to meet me or anything, just that.  Then she tells me.  "And he'll have to come out there because I'm not able to drive in rush hour traffic, and I can barely get things done around here, and I surely won't get anything done sitting down there for five days a week."

Thanks mom.  I love making two of the drives I was trying to get rid of.  I said, "Well I sort of thought he might be able to come out here some during the summer."

"Well your father and I will probably stay here through the winter, but it'll cost a fortune to heat this house.  He's not able to move, but he's going to.  He's been having blackouts.  He had blackouts on Monday."  She said this in a manner to indicate that I was the cause of his blackouts. 

"I thought maybe M could come out here some during the summer, and then when school is out.  And the week of the ninth since he's supposed to go to Bible school--"

"I don't know that he's going to Bible school.  He doesn't want to go.  I've been trying to get him to go to church for three weeks and he won't go."

We talked about my pans in the basement for a few minutes.  Then, "Do you have any sort of yard at all."

"A patio."

"And it's enclosed?"

"Yes."

"Well maybe the dog can go out there to pee."

"I had sort of thought that, especially at night."

"So Michael has someplace he can get outside."

"Yes."  And since the park is so close, I Really thought we'd go to the park when the weather's nice, take the dog and just relax some.  I didn't tell her that though.  I would have gotten the child molester lecture.

Then I got interrogated (that's the only word I can use) on the size of each and every room.  I finally had to leave for work.

[Hopalong]

Hey Tay,
There's no winning in talk with an N and nobody EVER could be prepared with all the right responses. So keep that in mind when you read this "fantasy hindsight dialogue edit" But maybe some of it will help you in another round. (I must be a frustrated playwright)...
--------------
"You might as well get off your high horse because you'll need our help."
--Thanks for offering to help. I'll let you know.

"Are you going to have to use M's money to get into this apartment?"
--Actually that's a private matter, I would prefer not to discuss my family finances.

or--just:

--No.

"Well I think you should let M come out here for 3 or 4 days a week to start with."
--Thanks for the offer. I'll think about it and let you know.
(If she repeats, you repeat: I'll think about it and let you know. Calm friendly voice, just serene. You can repeat this a couple times. If she's huffy, let her huff. You're too busy to hang around and scrutinize her expression.)

"And he'll have to come out there because I'm not able to drive in rush hour traffic, and I can barely get things done around here, and I surely won't get anything done sitting down there for five days a week."
--Thanks for your offer. I haven't decided what to arrange yet. I'll remember your offer doesn't include driving.

I said, "Well I sort of thought he might be able to come out here some during the summer."
--Would you like M to come out here some during the summer and after school? And he's scheduled for Bible School the week of the 9th.

"Well your father and I will probably stay here through the winter, but it'll cost a fortune to heat this house.  He's not able to move, but he's going to.  He's been having blackouts.  He had blackouts on Monday."  She said this in a manner to indicate that I was the cause of his blackouts.
--I'm sorry to hear Dad's been having blackouts. 

"I don't know that he's going to Bible school.  He doesn't want to go.  I've been trying to get him to go to church for three weeks and he won't go."
--I see. Well, I will decide whether M is going to Bible School, and I'll be in charge of talking with him about it. We may attend a different church. I'll think about it and let you know.

We talked about my pans in the basement for a few minutes.  Then, "Do you have any sort of yard at all."

"A patio."

"And it's enclosed?"

"Yes."

"Well maybe the dog can go out there to pee."

"Yes, especially at night."
(I'd stop saying "I had sort of thought..." it's very tentative. It's okay to speak directly and with adult confidence and without sarcasm to your mother, even if you're faking it. ACT like a confident mother and you will BECOME one. Just consider the faking-part practice. You won't have her drip-drip-drip confidence-hammering in your ears for long now, so when you do hear it you're going to be better prepared to respond like a confident adult woman who is also THE MOTHER, not the SECOND BANANA.

"So Michael has someplace he can get outside."

"Yes." 

Good going, Tayana. It's exhausting...and that's why you're moving!!! You'll get control of your own buttons with practice, and you also will just be BUSY.

Do throw yourself into finding other resources/camps/programs for M ASAP. He does not need her influence. It's toxic to his developing mind. You don't need to discuss it with him unless he needs to talk about her. You just need to begin involving him in his own childhood. He's suffocating in the tension between you and her. He loves her, and on their weekly or whatever visits, he can try to enjoy her. But he's not going to fit her mold forever, since you're helping him have a chance not to.

She is REALLY TOXIC. And I hope you can limit the time with her severely. And preferably counter every toxic remark she makes with a confident/adult/mother correction every time you hear it.

I know how desperately difficult it is to find adequate day care arrangements, but do your best. I deferred to my Nmother's constantly availability for my D, and it was a huge mistake. I was an exhausted single parent too...I know what it's like. That's why I caved and let my D spend tons of time every week with them.

love and much support
Hops

[tayana]

Hops, I've been trying to practice non-combative, factual statements with her.  I'll work on the I sort of thought thing.  She has decided to be helpful now since I'm not changing my mind.

She called me at lunch, this would be the fourth time I've talked to her since getting to work.  We have been going around and around over the moving truck to the point where I'm ready to cancel it and hire a moving company.  This last time she called me to tell me to make sure the truck has a walkway not a lift. 

She also said:

"I bought you a set of dishes."

"Thank you."

"If you don't like them you can take them back."

"Where'd you get them."

"Wal-mart.  I only bought a set a four, if you like them then you buy another set.  I thought M and I would go shopping tomorrow."

"I wanted to buy some things of my own."

"Well, I'm not trying to decorate your house for you.  I figured you'd want to buy some things of your own.  But you're going to need some things like a toaster, as much toast and bagels as the two of you eat."

I didn't say anything.

"And you need a tablecloth for this table.  I was going to get you one of those and some placemats." 

I listen quietly fuming, because she is decorating my house.

"And I assume you are going to want to put your mixer out."

"yes."

Thinking, "No I'm going to leave my $200 mixer in the box for you.  I didn't buy it for you.  I bought it for me."  I'm really wanting off the phone by this time.

"How many windows are there?"

Tell her about the windows.

"Is there blinds on those windows?"

"Yes, mini-blinds."

"Well, that's good."

"Are you going to be able to find a curtain to match this one you've got?"

"No, because that was the only pair of those they had when I got them."

"Oh.  Well, I think you can find another pair."

Finally, get off the phone, and I think, "God, I liked it better when she was being hateful."

Do throw yourself into finding other resources/camps/programs for M ASAP. He does not need her influence. It's toxic to his developing mind. You don't need to discuss it with him unless he needs to talk about her. You just need to begin involving him in his own childhood. He's suffocating in the tension between you and her. He loves her, and on their weekly or whatever visits, he can try to enjoy her. But he's not going to fit her mold forever, since you're helping him have a chance not to.

She is REALLY TOXIC. And I hope you can limit the time with her severely. And preferably counter every toxic remark she makes with a confident/adult/mother correction every time you hear it.

I know how desperately difficult it is to find adequate day care arrangements, but do your best. I deferred to my Nmother's constantly availability for my D, and it was a huge mistake. I was an exhausted single parent too...I know what it's like. That's why I caved and let my D spend tons of time every week with them.

Hops, what really made me mad is that she wants M to spend time with her, but she wants me to double my driving, which was one of the reasons for moving, to be closer to work.  She didn't offer to meet me halfway.  She just flat said she wouldn't drive, which means if he wants to go out there, then I have to drive him.  We'll have to leave really early, so I can get back to work on time.  I don't see the benefit.

I'm going to show the camps to M and let him pick what he wants to do, and I'll figure out something to do with pick up/drop off times with my boss.  Maybe I can do some flex time or something so that I can take him and pick him up.

He told me last night he doesn't want me to talk with Grandma about the things she's been saying to him because then she'll only be madder at me.  So I didn't say anything to her.

I know she's very toxic.  Since this move has become reality, I have just felt so much better, and I'm sure I'll feel even better once we're there.  I don't care if we are going to be cramped.

She gave me a lecture on buying a washer/dryer to.  I wanted to buy a new one because the store will deliver and install the things, rather than have to rely on family to do that.  I just haven't told her that.  I let her ramble.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana
  What hits me as an underlying theme is that you simply  can not please an N. You cannot do or say the 'right" thing to make it' O.K."
   I have always thought that I could make it O.K.,if I only found the 'magic potion". I did everything ,as I am sure you have. She hated me as much no matter what I did.If I did well, she ridiculed me for "needing to do well"( she was above that). If I did poorly, she ridiculed me for "being a loser"
   This was my life. I could never find that "fine" balance that would be just right and give me her love.
    The "key" to   unlocking her love could never be found.                                 Love  Ami

[tayana]

Ami,

I have always tried to please her, and it just doesn't work.  She doesn't like anything I do.  It wouldn't matter if I hit the lottery and won 800 million dollars, I wouldn't be doing something right.  She'd tell me how to spend my money.

I've had to accept that nothing is going to please her, no matter what, and that the only person I can make happy is myself.  I wrote about that yesterday on my blog. http://tayana.blogspot.com  So I just had to give up trying to please her.  She isn't happy with me living with her, but she doesn't want me to move either.  She makes no sense, and it's a waste of my energy trying to understand her.

[Hopalong]

"I bought you a set of dishes."

NO THANKS...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED YET.  "Thank you."

"If you don't like them you can take them back."
I WON'T TAKE THEM, YOU CAN RETURN THEM. PLEASE DON'T BUY ANYTHING FOR THE APT. WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST. I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT I WANT TO HAVE THERE.

"Where'd you get them."

"Wal-mart.  I only bought a set a four, if you like them then you buy another set.  I thought M and I would go shopping tomorrow."

"I wanted to buy some things of my own."
I DO NOT WANT YOU SHOPPING FOR US RIGHT NOW. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT AND LET YOU KNOW.

"Well, I'm not trying to decorate your house for you.  I figured you'd want to buy some things of your own.  But you're going to need some things like a toaster, as much toast and bagels as the two of you eat."
I WILL FIGURE OUT AND LET YOU KNOW. DON'T BUY US ANYTHING NOW.

I didn't say anything.

"And you need a tablecloth for this table.  I was going to get you one of those and some placemats." 
NO--I WILL DECIDE WHAT WE NEED. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT AND LET YOU KNOW.

I listen quietly fuming, because she is decorating my house.
[NEW TAYANA NEVER STUFFS HER RESISTANCE TO CONTROL. SHE DOESN'T FUME, SHE SAYS NO.]

"And I assume you are going to want to put your mixer out."
I WILL THINK ABOUT THAT, I HAVE TO HANG UP NOW.

"yes."

Thinking, "No I'm going to leave my $200 mixer in the box for you.  I didn't buy it for you.  I bought it for me."  I'm really wanting off the phone by this time.

"How many windows are there?"
I HAVE TO HANG UP, GOODBYE NOW. CLICK.

You get the idea. When my D was trying to "unmesh" me (thank god), she retrained me re. no rambling phone chats. Because "chatting" isn't safe turf when you're emotionally vulnerable to someone and are trying to feel more independent. So she'd practically say, what is the purpose of this call please, and just wanted Yes or No type stuff, for a long while. I think it helped us both separate.

I know you're aware of it already, but imo, you need to set boundaries when she's mean, when she's nice, when she's on the phone, with your son, in person, EVERYWHERE. And her entitlement is outrageous, to call you so often at work.

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

Hops,

Does this mean I can tell her I don't want the ugly lamp tables she wants to give me?  She told me I could use them, but I couldn't get rid of them.  I hated them when she had them in our living room.  The glass shows fingerprints and will have dog slobbers on it all the time.  I don't want them, plus they are ugly.

I didn't do so well with that conversation, did I?  Hmm, I'll have to do better in the future.

Hops, there are days she will call at work, and I'll be busy and away from my desk.  She won't leave a message, she'll just hang up.  Then when I do finally get a chance to call, she demands to know where I've been, as if I'm doing something behind her back. 

I was thinking this is probably how a divorce must go, because I can't compare it to anything else. 

[debkor]

Tay,

Oh my, 

from reading your post about your mom I CAN'T BREATH!!  what a freaking choke hold she puts you in.  She is smothering!!

Maybe you won't have enough dishes or the best washing machine and dryer but what a Breath of Fresh Air you will be breathing!!!!!!

Now Tay how can you get her to stop calling you at work?

And don't worry about being annoyed with her because IT'S ALMOST DONE!!!!!!


Hang in there kiddo.
Count down time.

Deb

[tayana]

Deb,

She is very smothering.  Like I said, I liked it when she wasn't helping at all. 

She'll never stop calling me at work.  The best I can do is not answer outside calls and let them go to voice mail.  If it's business related, they'll leave a message or call my other line.  Luckily, I never gave her the extension for my other line. 

I found a perfectly nice washer and dryer at Sears for around $600.  It as on sale even.  She wants me to buy a used one, but I don't really want to.

I know it's almost done, but I just want to scream with her helpful comments.  And even worse, her acting like I'm one step from the poor house.