Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on July 02, 2007, 12:51:04 AM
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M and I are in our new home. We have a living room and a dining room, and our bedrooms are mostly together. And I at least have pans I can cook in now. I spent most of the morning washing dishes . . .
M and I just had a big fight. It's forgotten now, I think, probably until tomorrow night when we have the same fight again. I know it's only been two days, but I'm starting to doubt how good a decision I made. M told me we should never have left, and that I only moved for selfish reason. He said he hates the apartment. He said he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't love me.
I don't know how to explain the reasons we moved. I can't tell him, we moved because your grandma did something really bad, and she's treated me like dirt for the last ten years. I don't want to badmouth his grandma. I just don't know how to explain without sounding selfish. In a way I think I was very selfish in wanting this place and wanting to be on my own.
He keeps saying the only things I can do to make him feel better are to move back to his old house, or find another house just like it. I just don't know how to respond. I went a cried in my room, and he came in to tell me he was sorry he'd yelled at me. He told me the apartment wasn't so bad after all, and then five minutes later was going on about how he hated it. I don't know how to handle this. I thought I was doing so well. I thought I was doing the right things, but now I don't know.
The worst part of it is, I don't think any of the rest of my family thinks I did the right thing. My mother was here today to help move some things that were forgotten yesterday. She made so many comments today. She'd refrained yesterday, but today . . . she went on and on about how much she'd spent for groceries for me. About the shabbiness of my apartment. About how I wanted to arrange things. About this and that. I just felt so worn down. I didn't sleep much last night, and I was so tired today. I made a comment about how much M had eaten today, and she said, "Well now you know what it's like to live with him during the day. You'd think I run a restaurant." I was just commenting. I wasn't really upset. It had been one of M's, not able to get full days.
And then M tells me he hates this place, hates me for making us move, and I that I was selfish. M told me he would kill himself if we didn't move back to where we belonged.
I think maybe I am. Maybe I did just do this for myself.
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Oh, hon.
Keep the faith.
He's just feeling the shock of change.
I don't understand why your mother is in your apartment?
Keep telling M, over and over, that the move was necessary.
It was a adult decision that you had to make, and even if he and his grandmother disagree, this is where M is living now.
He needs to help you rather than making it hard for you.
It's okay to assert yourself with your son, it doens't make you a bad parent if he shows anger.
BUT HE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT.
This may take some tme because you had allowed your mother take over.
But you can do this.
Hang in there,
Hops
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My Dear Tayana-
Congratulations on accomplishing a cherished goal. Get plenty of rest and enjoy your new freedom. Children need to know that they are safe, and your gentle but firm confidence and equanimity will reassure M. As for Mom, she is now a guest when she is in your new home, and should conduct herself accordingly. Now you can express yourself, decorate your home with your own things, and surround yourself with people and things that support you in life's mysterious journey.
God Bless You,
Changing
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Tayana, hon,
I was just thinking that Doubt is exactly the legacy your mother has tried to force on you.
If you are doubting yourself, you are doing exactly what she wants, and talking to yourself with HER voice, not your own. Your own voice was very, very clear about the sane, adult, and healthy reasons it was vital for you to move yourself and your son away from your invasive, domineering and controlling mother.
You were right then, and you're still right.
I am thinking that it is no small matter, though, that you need 2-D support in building up a stronger sense of confidence and serious self-respect and boundaries. I am so happy you will be taking the Assertiveness Training course soon at work, but I hope you could step out and find support for yourself NOW.
Remember all those possibilities? Not just support for parents of autistic children, but support for YOU as a woman, as a single parent, as a person who needs friends and community.
They are out there. You can find them.
Meanwhile, we're here, and this is a great place to air everything you're feeling.
I know you're going to make it.
love
Hops
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Thanks everyone.
Some of this may just be that we were both tired. I am so tired and sore from moving, and I guess M is tired too. His arguments last night were punctuated by yawns. I just didn't know what to say anymore. He'd seemed to be handling it so well, and then to fall apart like that. I felt like a total failure.
We are going to have to work on rules. No more going to bed late. No more being disrespectful. No more yelling.
A little rest would be nice too.
I keep telling myself one day at a time, one step at a time, but I feel like everything is falling apart now that the big hurdle is over with. The doubts creep up on me at night, and I really do wonder how good a decision I made. I just didn't want my son to live like I had with all of that criticism. Funny now I just keep hearing all those criticisms in my head, over and over and over, telling me what a horrible, selfish person I am.
I feel pretty selfish too.
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Listen.... tayana:
Are you really surprised your mother is manipulating your child and family members in order to make you doubt yourself?
I'm not.
I'm not surprised in her supreme ability to make anyone doubt their reality. It's confusing, I know but.....
your job isn't too hard if you can stay focused.
M is a child, you're not.
Tell M that he doesn't understand why you had to move because he's too young but will understand when he's old enough.
Tell him that Mama has things under control and she'll take care of things.
When you talk to him about these things remain calm steady mama, no matter what he's going through.
You're the parent and he needs you to be confident and he needs to feel that you will make everything OK.
Don't beat yourself up for crying but don't do it in front of him or where he can hear it.
Every child has some difficulty with transitions, even small transitions.
This is a BIG transition and your mother has sabotaged it in many ways.
It wasn't going to go easy. You knew that. I knew that. I was just wondering when it was going to hit. It has.
I thought it would happen BEFORE you moved out. Surprise surprise. It happened after. Who knew?
M will be fine as long as YOU'RE fine. BELIEVE THIS.
Get centered with the decision you made. Do you need to write about it some more? Pro's and Con's?
It wasn't going to get any easier to move away.
Calm, steady, stable mama does it.
M will settle into a new routine.
The new apartment will become familiar.
He'll make friends and he'll calm down
because you calm down.
It will come.
BELIEVE it will come and don't torture yourself with doubts.
It will take patience and you'll pretend you're calm and under control until you feel it's so.
You will feel it.
Taking care of yourself is the most loving thing you can do for your loved ones. M is your loved one. Not your parents.
Keep going. You're doing great, (((tayana)))
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Good Lord and little fishes!
Tayana..... dear.
I just went back and finished your post.... I posted back to you before finishing.
Your questioning your being selfish?
Ummmmm..... if putting a stop to your mother's ability to prey on you at will is selfish then YA.... you are.
Nuff said.
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Hey Tay,
Just new move Nerves. Doubt will always sneak in there. It's fear of the unknown. Especially when you move out of your parents house with a child of your own. I had it when I moved out with my two kids. My kids were very uncomfortable with it until they met kids and went back to school.
My older son at 18 was mad at me for his move when he went to college. He went 5 hours away. He picked it but was mad at me. He was homesick.
So I guess either way when you first move away from home no matter how old you are it takes time to adjust.
Which is better Tay. M being mad now that he had to move (because he does not fully understand) or when he's older and mad that you didn't move him out (cause he does understand now).
It will all come together, not to worry.
Kids will say anything when they are mad or have fear. My mom gave me money to buy my own place after I was not with my ex and left her house for my own.
When my kids were mad at me or wanted to (tell me how it was) when I would say clean up your room or your punished they would say, this is Nanny's house not yours. Oh you think? Yes she gave you money to buy it.
They just were mad at me and used anything to get try to make me feel bad and have guilt. Just understand where he is coming from it will pass.
Separation anxiety is what it is I think. You are going to be the heavy now. He will look for everything in you to make him feel alright although it will appear he wants you to feel bad. He is going to walk on shaky grounds with his own feelings and move. He may compare everything you do to G-ma and that's ok. Remember it's just new and confusing and he will use whatever he needs to make himself comfortable even if that means *flaming you*.
Don't doubt yourself and your move through this. He's just a kid and you are allowing him to be just that with fears, mad, happy have all those feelings (that are normal) but not guilty about having them. Opposite of what your mom did to you and him. She wanted to create Fear/self doubt thinking it would keep you both around. Look at the extremes she went through.
She has implanted them into your mind for many years but they are her feelings that she projected onto you. That is all.
You are not her. M is not hers. She will survive, you will survive and M will survive. You choose to be in a healthy place as well as for M. Your mom made her choice years ago where she is and you don't have to stay there with her.
It's ok to feel afraid Tay and it's ok to have self-doubt right now. I had it to. You will get more comfortable with yourself and your decisions. Your like a brand new baby right now.
Be easy on yourself. Day by day. It does get better.
Your are a good mom.
Deb
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Dear Tayana,
You are having normal"fears and doubts.'Being a single mother is the hardest job .Anyone who moves( anywhere) feels awful on the first night. You feel lost and afraid. It would be "stranger" if you made a totally smooth transition.
You had a huge life transition and you did it all by yourself.
Your mother will never give you anything but "more of the same.",She only wants you to come"home' for selfish reasons. She may have to face herself more if you are gone. I expect all the N garbage is going to fall on your father.Let me know if this happens.
She has to hate,decimate,destroy, tear flesh and suck out anything good. This is who she is. Remember the "worst" thing she did to you when you get weak. I do that when I get weak and want to call mine..
I am with you,in spirit, Tayana. In the meantime,it's a mean time---------( BUT you will get through it) -Love Ami
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Tayana,
It's normal to feel anxiety when you've just moved house, but you're doing fine.
Your mother must be desperate to make you feel as if you can't cope... but you're coping really well. But it is really stressful and tiring to move, even without the added stress of having an NMother who isn't supporting you, but trying to drag you back.
I tried desperately to leave home for several years, but when I actually managed it, I spent the first few days in tears, feeling as if I couldn't cope - because that's what my NMum had told me would happen. It just took a bit longer till I realised it was GREAT without her!
You'll settle in soon, don't worry. And so will your son.
Janet
PS Why has you mother been round to your place? How did she wangle that one?
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Lighter, I told M while we were having lunch today that there would be no discussion about the move tonight. I told him he would be in bed by 9 tonight and no more of this staying up till midnight. I didn't get to bed until after 1 last night, and I had to get up early to let the dog out. I told him we'd each had our say, and there was nowhere to go but forward. He's very pessimistic. I hope that will change with time. My mother says he'll get worse when I have to go back to work, but I really think that once he gets a new routine started, he'll be fine.
Janet, my mother has been bringing stuff from her house that I didn't get the day I moved. I still have to go back for my aquariums. I'm dreading moving those. She called me at seven o'clock this morning and woke me up.
Deb, I hope what you say will happen. My mother told me she was doing really good until today when it all really hit her and she keeps having these little breakdowns. I don't feel sorry for her. Right now, I guess I'm pretty low on M's favorites list.
We got our television hooked up today, so maybe that will help.
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I think that once you and M on to your routines, you will feel much better .Also, if there is another child who lives near you, that might help M. Love Ami
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I haven't met any of our other neighbors yet, and I haven't met any other kids, so we haven't made any friends yet.
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Tay.... of course M will feel better once things become familiar.
Once his routine gets squared away he'll feel better and so will you.
I agree with you that getting the bedtime under control is the best place to start. Absolutely. ::nodding::
You shouldn't be concerned you're not his favorite person right now. That's not your role.
You're his parent.
Your job is to make good decisions on his behalf whether he approves or understandsm and he's too young to undersatand.
He'll never approve of all your decisions, btw so best to get used to that now, lol.
If he got to make all the decisions based on his comfort there wouldn't be a parent in his life, now would there?
It's not always easy but you are obligated to parent M responsibly, no matter.
Think of this as practice for when he wants to smoke weed in the house and stay out all hours because his friends do in Junior High. He'll balk at many decisions you make along the way. You can't let that deter you from making the right choices then and you can't do it now.
I think part of this is just being overwhelmed and part of it is the old script to people please.... giving in to acquire peace.
You HAD to give in when you were a child.... or things got really bad.
You HAD to give in when you were a teenager.... or things got really bad.
Now that you're an adult, your mother doesn't have the power to make things really bad if you don't acquiesce, does she? You have your own money, car, home and family. You have friends she doesn't control.
What power she has you seem to be giving her, as far as I can tell.
Accept that you do have control over your decisions and life.
That's pretty overwhelming too, when you've been dominated by someone like your mother.
You've watched your father model the behavior you're breaking out of. It won't be easy and that's understandable.
Do you understand that you're being the best parent you can be by LEAVING now?
You will.
Sure, you're mother will try to block it.
She'll jerk M around and have him do her dirty work as long as you let her.
She'll try to turn other family members against you.
She may even call some of your co workers and boss and tell them tales about your move and how she views your behavior as abberant and unstable.
She may make stuff up and it's up to YOU to handle it like the responsible sane reality based adult (and single parent) that you are.
You have us here when things get tough..... and they will get tough.
Expect it and don't let it deter your belief that it will get better soon.
Believe that, even if you have to fake it for a while.
Before you know it, you'll have a new groove in that little nest of yours and M will be dealing with his next set of adjustments.
Every child will move into new developmental phases and have to deal with the transitions involved. It's uncomfortable and scary and sometimes overwhelming. M will make unhappy noises about his feelings, like every other child. Be glad he discusses them with you and keep reassuring him. He will be OK as long as you're OK. Now take care of yourself and show M how to do it for himself.
Modeling behavior will be one of the most important things you do for your child.
You're doing all the big things right.
Now concentrate on enjoying the little pleasures and model that for M.
Heck, show him how to create little pleasures for himself.
Instead of just settling in.... create some sacred spaces for important tasks.
Help him find an area to arrange his most treasured toys. Help him do some new art for his walls.... or for your walls so he's focused on something positive..... claiming the new space for himself.
Involve him.
It's hard to remember to do that when you're overwhelmed and sleep deprived, I know.
It's even harder to think of what to do if you decide you have the energy.
Slow down.
Internalize the mantra... "It'll be OK."
One day, you'll be surprised to find you actually believe it, lol!
And, even more surprised to find that it's true!
Create a little area for yourself to pay bills and keep up with paperflow. Purchase some new yummy cases and files, Michaels just had a heck of a sale here on all their organization items and boxes! Cheap cheap cheap and it makes me feel special to touch them.
Sacred spaces for your bathroom rituals. New Rosemary body cream and a new basket for it and other items that make you feel cared for and special.
I think investing $25.00 in a Votivo candle (my favorite now is Purple Passionfruit) to fill your new apartment (and new life) with a yummy NEW scent would be worth every cent.
You're mother has you focused on what you're losing.
STOP letting her win!
YOU control what you focus on.
You control how you react to M's fear and uncertainty and he'll experience those things whether you stay at your mother's or not.
Get centered on what you're doing and why.
DO NOT ALLOW your mother to SCRIPT NEGATIVE THOUGTS and control M.
Now carry on ((tayana)) You're doing great: )
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Lighter, we've had a much better day today. We made some muffins, or rather M did most of the making. I just cracked the egg and took them out of the oven. We were going to go swimming, but I didn't know the pool was closed on Mondays. He was a little disappointed, but we are going swimming in the morning and also to the library. I promised we would unpack his things tomorrow and get his room straightened out. No fights today. He did make one snappish comment, but he's been better since we have television now.
I do have my desk sort of lined out. I'm trying to get our library/dining room together, and as soon as I find the paper, I'm going to have M draw some pictures to decorate the fridge with. I can't seem to find the box with the paper though. :?
I had my T session tonight, and my T told me I was doing fine, I just needed to calm down and relax. Take care of myself. So tonight, I stopped working at five oclock. M and I went to the Dollar Tree to get some things. We took the dog for a walk. Other than fixing some dinner, I didn't do any other work. I feel much better.
As for my mother, we are going to have another confrontation here over what M will be doing the next few weeks before camp starts. I'm trying really hard to turn off her insidious little commentary in my head. I'm not always successful, but maybe I'm getting better.
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I think I like your therapist.
I don't think I like you're having to have conrtinued confrontations with your mother.... esp over M.
Is this confrontation supposed to happen "over here" at your over here? If so, I hope M isn't going to be there when it does.
Glad to hear you're feeling better. I just want to reach in and pull all her mean words from your head and heart. I wish I could ((tayana))
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Hi Tayana:
Glad you got moved and have already enjoyed fresh baked muffins with your son! What a lovely picture that is!
One question: Must you have any conversation, never mind confrontation, with your mother about what your son will be doing at any time whatsoever?
I guess I'm thinking you don't have to allow that and that if you do, then she will be in control......trying to get her way etc.
Sela
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tayana:
I thought you made other arrangements for M before camp starts.
Do you need your mother's help with childcare, still?
Maybe I wished so hard I thought it was true but, I can't see anything good coming from unsupervised visits with your mother. You have to assume she's going to outright poison M, if only emotionally. That's unacceptable and you can't allow that, if at all possible.
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Lighter, I do still need her help for a couple of weeks with childcare, just a couple of weeks when I don't have camp available or any other solution, although I'm hoping another opportunity presents itself. I had already made arrangements for the rest of this week, but now we are fighting over whether or not M is going to stay with her. He wanted to attend Bible school at our old church next week, or at least the church where he's been attending. She wants him to stay with her that week too. I don't think he's going to want to do that. That's what the argument is about. Nothing good is going to come of him spending oodles of time with her.
Today, my parents showed up for a surprise visit. I'd decided to slow down a little and relax as much as possible. So she harped on every little thing she could find from the food in my refridgerator, to the way my furniture was arranged, to the fact that I can't find a place for my dog to stay while we're gone. The she got ticked off when I asked what time we were supposed to be at her house for the fourth, and she was ticked because M was watching TV and didn't tell her good-bye. I felt like I'd just been snubbed. She kept saying, "Well I know this your house but . . ."
I'm going to get mighty sick of that phrase. We're going to go to the library and maybe stop at the park.
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Tayana ----- You did it. I am so proud of you. You are doing GREAAT Love Ami
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Good going, Tay. You sound a lot better.
She kept saying, "Well I know this your house but . . ."
I'm going to get mighty sick of that phrase.
You'll only get sick of it if you don't say to your mother:
I want you to call me to find out if it's a good time, not just come over without calling.
Have faith, you're moving on step by step. It'll take a while to untangle her tentacles
and learn to set and hold boundaries.
I think maybe one thing is that you need to actually genuinely WANT them first.
Hops
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Drats on needing your mother's help with M. Double DRATS!
You're going to have to come up with something.... that much is clear.
On letting your mother come into your home and BOTHER the stink out of you..... ummmm..... I don't think it's possible to tune out everything she says and nod absent mindedly.
I say set your boundaries, complete with consequences for peeing on them, then enforce and follow through. Ruthlessly enforce..... and follow through. Like you're in a race to the finish.
Try to see this from a great distance and remove emotion as much as possible.
For my part, I think this a futile effort and waste of time. We all get to the end of our rope in our own time on our own odd path. You're not ready to be done with her yet. You need her help. You just haven't broken ties and you're not feeling it yet. I think you eventually will and I'll be breathing a sigh of relief for you when that day comes.
Sorry this is so traumatic and ongoing and confusing but I imagine you'll grow 150% by the time you overcome all these problems.
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Lighter, it's going to be a couple of weeks probably before I can start setting some of those boundaries. A lot of my stuff, including clothes and that sort of thing is still at their house.
I swore I was going over there for the fourth, but I'm going. I need to get clothes and some other things, including my son's aquariums. I really wanted to stay home, but I also need things.
As soon as I get more of my stuff in order, and most of my things out of her house, I'm going to sit down and decide what boundaries I want, and what consequences there'll be for breaking them.
I think maybe one thing is that you need to actually genuinely WANT them first.
I think this is true, hops. I think I'm still looking for their approval. I'm still waiting to hear, wait, I was wrong after all. You did do the right thing. I just have to let that go. My father is just as bad as my mother. He never criticizes just mopes around. I never realized just how toxic the pair of them was until I could show them to the door.
I'm already feeling better, Lighter. In fact, I'm going to go wash the tools for my pretty mixer and make some banana bread.
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Lighter, I do still need her help for a couple of weeks with childcare, just a couple of weeks when I don't have camp available or any other solution, although I'm hoping another opportunity presents itself. I had already made arrangements for the rest of this week, but now we are fighting over whether or not M is going to stay with her. He wanted to attend Bible school at our old church next week, or at least the church where he's been attending. She wants him to stay with her that week too. I don't think he's going to want to do that. That's what the argument is about. Nothing good is going to come of him spending oodles of time with her.
Today, my parents showed up for a surprise visit. I'd decided to slow down a little and relax as much as possible. So she harped on every little thing she could find from the food in my refridgerator, to the way my furniture was arranged, to the fact that I can't find a place for my dog to stay while we're gone. The she got ticked off when I asked what time we were supposed to be at her house for the fourth, and she was ticked because M was watching TV and didn't tell her good-bye. I felt like I'd just been snubbed. She kept saying, "Well I know this your house but . . ."
I'm going to get mighty sick of that phrase. We're going to go to the library and maybe stop at the park.
Oh Tay!
I can identify with your reaction to that stupid phrase: "Well I know this is your house but....."! It took a while for both my Nmother and another Nmother-figure to get the message that there are certain boundaries they are NOT allowed to cross!
To share a little bit of my recent moving experience:
I had been subletting an apartment for nearly 20 years when the neighborhood went downhill so bad that I realized it was time to get outta there! There had been a barricade situation in the apartment directly below mine plus idiots smoking and dealing drugs in the hallway right outside my apartment door. One of the drug dealers threatened to kill me because I would not condone his dealing in front of my door. Since the apartment lease was in the original lessor's name, I informed her that I was in the process of purchasing my condo and was preparing to move. She had a fit and attempted to ORDER me NOT to move (ignoring the fact that she is now living in a different state and has NOT seen this neighborhood for several years). Then she was dumb enough to threaten me with eviction if I DARED to DEFY her orders! I went ahead with my arrangements to purchase my condo. When she attempted to make good her threat and took her name off the lease with the landlord, I went ahead and moved as I had been planning to do all along. About five years after I moved, I had contact with her again and she, again, threatened to evict me from her apartment! Imagine her surprise when I reminded her of my moving five years before and that her apartment was LONG GONE! She threw another fit, stating that she NEVER gave me permission to move and that God told her to tell me that I was WRONG to DEFY her orders!!
I told her, quite bluntly, that (1) she is NOT my mother, (2) she does NOT own me, (3) she does NOT pay my bills and (4) she does NOT have an exclusive pipeline to God! She hasn't spoken much to me since.
Bones
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My mom and I worked out a deal where she would meet me, and I would drop M off. Imagine my surprise this morning as I'm taking out my dog and the trash to discover her in my parking lot. I was not amused. I was even less amused that now she's going to be bringing M back, instead of me meeting her as planned. She complained about doing this.
Yesterday, I got a lecture because I let M decide if he wanted to stay with Grandma or not. He wanted to stay with me, and even made a comment, "Here we are back at our house,' last night when we got home. He didn't want to stay with Grandma all night.
I figured out this morning what my mom's problem is. She's jealous. She's jealous because M wants to be with me, not her. She's jealous because I did something she's always wanted to do. She's jealous because I'm able to do this, and she's angry because, in her narrow little mind, I've poisoned M against her.
I asked M last night when we left my parents' house if he still felt sad. He said a little, but that he was really starting to like his new home.
Bones, I can so identify with what your saying. Any doubts I might have had about moving were erased when getting ready to go this morning was so smooth and easy. There were no fights. No yelling. No snapping. Everything is so peaceful and quiet. I've felt more relaxed in the last few days, than I have in the last few years. No pressure, no worries, no wondering if someone was going to go through my things. It's so wonderful, and that M and my dog are settling in and feeling at home, makes it even more so.
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Tayana,
It's interesting to me how similar your mother's response is to my NH's. All the same stuff--jealousy, not following agreed on arrangements, accusations of "turning the kids against me".
The feelings of peace and relaxation are also the same. Ahhhhh. No more nonsense!
CB
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Oh, CB, I love it. I cooked in my kitchen. I worked on my finances last night without interruption. It is so awesome.
The jealousy thing though. . . I hadn't figured it out until this morning. She honestly thinks M likes me better than her. It's really sad.
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HOPS said: I think maybe one thing is that you need to actually genuinely WANT them first.
I think this is true, hops. I think I'm still looking for their approval. I'm still waiting to hear, wait, I was wrong after all. You did do the right thing. I just have to let that go. My father is just as bad as my mother. He never criticizes just mopes around. I never realized just how toxic the pair of them was until I could show them to the door.
I'm already feeling better, Lighter. In fact, I'm going to go wash the tools for my pretty mixer and make some banana bread.
I'd imagine that a fresh loaf of banana bread would make me feel better too, lol.
On what Hops said, above...... I was thinking about how much I'm enjoying my house and how good life will be and feeling just a tad sad about my N not being able to appreciate it or be swayed by how nice the children and I are.
He won't ever be decent or appreciative.
EVER.
He'll be cruel and continue to exploit whomever is in his lfe.
It made me so sad.
I felt the loss.
I also noted my own dissapointment at having to give up hope that I can control his responses.
I invested a lot of time and energy in that belief.
It's a failure, a loss a death to let that hope go.
I can't be creative enough, or industriouse enough or beautiful enough or desirable enough or ANYTHING enough to make him regret his treatment of me and cause him to change his behavior and intentions.
His view on life is what it is, no matter what I do.
There is no hope of getting any of my needs met. ::shrug:: Just have to make peace with it, even when it burns my stomach to think about it. My stomachs burning now.
You'll mourn letting go of the hope for decent parents.
You never had that so there's nothing but the loss of the dream, (and your old habits and behavior patterns) That has to mourned too, along with replacing them with healthier habits.
YIKES!
Talk about a tough spot to be in.
Just very very confusing and sad. ((tayana))
Glad to hear M is setting in.
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Dear Tayana,
The things that they will be jealous of--- Does it descend any lower.?It makes N sense that she would want M to love her more. It is awful ,but makes sense.
I told you what really floored me was how much she resented that I had a trained dog and she screwed up the family dog.She is also very jealous that I have "decent 'kids. She is always waiting and hoping that they will go "bad". When my son had a hard time getting acclimated to college- she loved it. He even noticed that she seemed disappointed when he pulled himself out of it.She hates it that he is doing well academically and socially.
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Lighter, I think I'm starting to let the idea go a little. I don't want my parents in my new home, and at some point, I think that will happen. The banana bread was good. :)
Ami, my mother loves it when I get frustrated with M too. She delights every time I express frustration. She makes a point of saying something like, "I knew you couldn't be around him all day by yourself." She doesn't like to see M settling in and enjoying his new home and not wanting to be with her. Instead, she tears him in two directions. Either he has to stay with me or with her. Today, she told me not to sign him up but for one week of camp just in case he didn't like it. I stuck with my original plan, slightly revised. I signed him up for the two he was most excited about, and will discuss the third with him this weekend.
She doesn't like seeing me independent like this. I about fell over this morning when she told me my living room looked nice. I had done some cleaning last night, and she was impressed.
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Thank you, Bean.
She just called me and ragged me out over the phone because my brother and I have been talking. All I wanted was a straight answer to, "where am I meeting you?" Evidently, my brother has made some comments to my parents, and "my dad is suffering. He's almost 70 years old, and he doesn't need to listen to that." And then she goes on to say, "I don't know why it's always dad and I who catch **ll and get blamed for everything."
I want to say, "Well, because you do tend to make things worse, and you can't say a nice word about anyone."
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Ummmm...... I wish I could find that one post.
That I posted to you, tayana.
About telling your mother how wonderful she is and how moving out is something you're doing for HER.
So you aren't a burden on her and your dear 70yo father?
Agree with everything she says then tell her she'd best go lie down and rest from all the exerting all that maternal love nad energy in your direction? The poor dear thing must be plumb tuckered out from caring for M and you all these long long years..... she should go and avail herself to a nap straightaway!
Rember that post?
Well....... that post keeps coming to mind over and over again while reading this thread..... only you have the conversation over the phone. Not face to face.
It ticks me off to NO end picturing her in your safe little nest critiquing you and jerking M around.
You've got to put that boundarie in place for yourself and for M.
You're the adult and responsible parent here. The ONLY a adult and responsible parent.
It's the sensible thing to do and have you checked into asking any of M's classmates mothers..... the ones that seemed very nice who's son M got on well with..... to do some childcare for you this summer?
You could offer to pay something and do some baby sitting on the weekends.
Nothing like having company to give you a burst of energy (that gets your house clean and makes baking plans and check out the local parks and fowl feeding opportunities. We have ducks and geese our nearest park) There's always tons of dog watching/petting/excitement for the children, as well.
I bet the other mothers are going nutsey rocksie koo koo crazy themselves about now. If you look you probably have a list of every child in his last year's room and ways to contact the mama's.
You never know what the next door has behind it till you walk up and open it. Open some doors for yourself, tayana.
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Lighter,
They came today, and she was all in a huff over the whole carpet deal I guess. I'm not sure really. My mother didn't say anything to me unless it was to criticize. She complained because I had forgotten paper towels when I went to the grocery yesterday. I simply forgot in the midst of buying food. I can live for a day without paper towels. She complained over the boxes in my living room. I'm still unpacking. She complained to my SIL because I keep changing plans on her. I asked her a dozen times yesterday where she wanted to meet me to pick up M, and she would never give me a straight answer. Instead she drove all the way here, and then complained about having to drive.
I was unable to get M into a camp next week, so I still have that ball in the air. Most of the other mothers I know also work during the day, so that's no help.
I'm going to get my son's aquariums, my files, and clothes tomorrow. Then I'm not going to speak to them for a little while if I don't have to. They will have to initiate all contact. I'm tired of these little N games.
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I think it's time to talk to some of the mothers you don't know, and see who isn't working.
Maybe one of them can help with day time weekly childcare and you can trade out some weekends?
As for the aquarium and other stuff. GET IT QUICK while agreeing with everything she says, smile and look sympathetic for her while you load and go, Run, NOW!
Never go back.
If you can help it, never have her over to the apartment.
See her on your terms, maybe meet at a park with M so there's other things to focus on besides you and your papertowls and boxes and carpet and YOU YOU YOU and HER HER HER.
If she can't be somewhat normal, she's gotta go, IMO.
You'll either come to that conclusion or you won't.
Either way, I hope you can find some peace and stop dreading her, her calls and her visits.
You'll figure it out. I just know you will: )
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Dear Tayana,
It is pitiful the way that she acts.It is a crime that you have to endure it. I am so,very,very sorry
Love Ami
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((((((((((((((((((((((tayana))))))))))))))))))))))
NO CONTACT!!!!!!!! That is what you most need. She will continue to abuse you as long as she is able.
As for your son, you can tell him you are sorry he feels that way, but you made the decision that was good for you family. He doesn't need to understand now, but he might some day. There is no reason for you to bad mouth your mother. When he is older he will see it himself.
Lots of love, Beth
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Hi Tayana,
When you answer your mother's calls, at home or work, you are letting her cross your boundaries.
I'd screen or block her calls at home and seriously ask yourself, am I feeling up to dealing with her right now, before you choose to answer. Enforce the boundary of no-visits-without-being-invited, and make new ones.
You can just tell her, leave me a message, I'm not going to spend so much time on the phone.
Just seems to me that you've reported a lot of things she's said to you over the phone. I picture you feeling helplessly obligated to allow her to pour poison into your ear.
AIN'T SO!
hugs
Hops
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We got the aquariums and the rest of my files, so that none of my "important" things are at their house. She raked me over the coals when we got there, because I was treating her and my father like dirt. She told me I had turned M against her, and then she basically forbade me from talking with my brother and ran him down for an hour. Then she sniped on how I had blamed her for this and that, and told me how she had bent over backwards to help me with this move.
Beth, my goal after this coming week is to go no contact as much as possible. I can't handle anymore. I don't bad mouth her in front of my son, but sometimes something slips out, or he'll hear something when I'm talking to my brother. I do try very hard to avoid that.
Hops, I can't block her calls at work, because numbers just show up as outside or inside calls, not a number. I don't have a caller id phone at home yet. I'm planning to get one. She likes to do the phone thing, because it catches me off guard.
Ami, I don't understand her. I never have.
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Tayana,
You are a HERO!
You are doing GREAT, and you must be worn out.
It has been such an incredible ordeal to have to negotiate around her to get yourself and your son and your possessions safely moved, and to figure out the nightmare of arranging appropriate safe camp or childcare.
You are a single mother who hasn't yet had the chance to create her own family, but I swear girl, you've earned a new circle of 3-D friends and support and it will be a joy to cheer you on while you find it!
Meanwhile, you have accomplished SO SO SO SO SO SO much. I hope you feel proud. What courage and determination and resolve.
You will be setting and working on the business of boundaries for a long time until it comes naturally to you. But it's clearly really new to you now.
You've been doing an amazing, heroic job.
BRAVO, M's Mom! Tayana's out of jail!
love
Hops
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))))))
Keep on keeping on and treading water. You will be fine. It is just hard during this adjustment time.
Love, Beth
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Tayana,
You are doing so greaaaaaaat. I have so much respect for you. When I see how she "twists" things, I see their worst quality(IMO). It is trying to take away our ability to trust ourselves. They set up the s##t and then blame us. It is subtle,but I can really see it with her(b/c I am objective). She will destroy you--if you don't get away more. Inside her, she "wants " to destroy you if she cannot control you. She has lost control of you so it might even get worse and she will try to use your father more.
It is so ,so, so sad and so, so unnecessary. However, that is how it is.Have you ever read Vaknin's book.? It is awful but so is the N mother. Love Ami