HOPS said: I think maybe one thing is that you need to actually genuinely WANT them first.
I think this is true, hops. I think I'm still looking for their approval. I'm still waiting to hear, wait, I was wrong after all. You did do the right thing. I just have to let that go. My father is just as bad as my mother. He never criticizes just mopes around. I never realized just how toxic the pair of them was until I could show them to the door.
I'm already feeling better, Lighter. In fact, I'm going to go wash the tools for my pretty mixer and make some banana bread.
I'd imagine that a fresh loaf of banana bread would make me feel better too, lol.
On what Hops said, above...... I was thinking about how much I'm enjoying my house and how good life will be and feeling just a tad sad about my N not being able to appreciate it or be swayed by how nice the children and I are.
He won't ever be decent or appreciative.
EVER.
He'll be cruel and continue to exploit whomever is in his lfe.
It made me so sad.
I felt the loss.
I also noted my own dissapointment at having to give up hope that I can control his responses.
I invested a lot of time and energy in that belief.
It's a failure, a loss a death to let that hope go.
I can't be creative enough, or industriouse enough or beautiful enough or desirable enough or ANYTHING enough to make him regret his treatment of me and cause him to change his behavior and intentions.
His view on life is what it is, no matter what I do.
There is no hope of getting any of my needs met. ::shrug:: Just have to make peace with it, even when it burns my stomach to think about it. My stomachs burning now.
You'll mourn letting go of the hope for decent parents.
You never had that so there's nothing but the loss of the dream, (and your old habits and behavior patterns) That has to mourned too, along with replacing them with healthier habits.
YIKES!
Talk about a tough spot to be in.
Just very very confusing and sad. ((tayana))
Glad to hear M is setting in.