Doubts

[tayana]

Thank you, Bean.

She just called me and ragged me out over the phone because my brother and I have been talking.  All I wanted was a straight answer to, "where am I meeting you?"  Evidently, my brother has made some comments to my parents, and "my dad is suffering.  He's almost 70 years old, and he doesn't need to listen to that."  And then she goes on to say, "I don't know why it's always dad and I who catch **ll and get blamed for everything."

I want to say, "Well, because you do tend to make things worse, and you can't say a nice word about anyone."

[lighter]

Ummmm...... I wish I could find that one post. 

That I posted to you, tayana. 

About telling your mother how wonderful she is and how moving out is something you're doing for HER. 

So you aren't a burden on her and your dear 70yo father? 

Agree with everything she says then tell her she'd best go lie down and rest from all the exerting all that maternal love nad energy in your direction?  The poor dear thing must be plumb tuckered out from caring for M and you all these long long years..... she should go and avail herself to a nap straightaway!

Rember that post? 

Well....... that post keeps coming to mind over and over again while reading this thread..... only you have the conversation over the phone.  Not face to face. 

It ticks me off to NO end picturing her in your safe little nest critiquing you and jerking M around. 

You've got to put that boundarie in place for yourself and for M. 

You're the adult and responsible parent here.  The ONLY a adult and responsible parent. 

It's the sensible thing to do and have you checked into asking any of M's classmates mothers..... the ones that seemed very nice who's son M got on well with..... to do some childcare for you this summer? 

You could offer to pay something and do some baby sitting on the weekends. 

Nothing like having company to give you a burst of energy (that gets your house clean and makes baking plans and check out the local parks and fowl feeding opportunities.  We have ducks and geese our nearest park)  There's always tons of dog watching/petting/excitement for the children, as well.

I bet the other mothers are going nutsey rocksie koo koo crazy themselves about now.  If you look you probably have a list of every child in his last year's room and ways to contact the mama's. 

You never know what the next door has behind it till you walk up and open it.  Open some doors for yourself, tayana.

[tayana]

Lighter,

They came today, and she was all in a huff over the whole carpet deal I guess.  I'm not sure really.  My mother didn't say anything to me unless it was to criticize.  She complained because I had forgotten paper towels when I went to the grocery yesterday.  I simply forgot in the midst of buying food.  I can live for a day without paper towels.  She complained over the boxes in my living room.  I'm still unpacking.  She complained to my SIL because I keep changing plans on her.  I asked her a dozen times yesterday where she wanted to meet me to pick up M, and she would never give me a straight answer.  Instead she drove all the way here, and then complained about having to drive.

I was unable to get M into a camp next week, so I still have that ball in the air.  Most of the other mothers I know also work during the day, so that's no help.

I'm going to get my son's aquariums, my files, and clothes tomorrow.  Then I'm not going to speak to them for a little while if I don't have to.  They will have to initiate all contact.  I'm tired of these little N games.

[lighter]

I think it's time to talk to some of the mothers you don't know, and see who isn't working. 

Maybe one of them can help with day time weekly childcare and you can trade out some weekends?

As for the aquarium and other stuff.  GET IT QUICK while agreeing with everything she says, smile and look sympathetic for her while you load and go, Run, NOW! 

Never go back. 

If you can help it, never have her over to the apartment.

See her on your terms, maybe meet at a park with M so there's other things to focus on besides you and your papertowls and boxes and carpet and YOU YOU YOU and HER HER HER. 

If she can't be somewhat normal, she's gotta go, IMO.

You'll either come to that conclusion or you won't. 

Either way, I hope you can find some peace and stop dreading her, her calls and her visits.

You'll figure it out.  I just know you will: )

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   It is pitiful the way that she acts.It is a crime that you have to endure it. I am so,very,very sorry
                                                                                                  Love   Ami

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((tayana))))))))))))))))))))))

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!! That is what you most need. She will continue to abuse you as long as she is able.

As for your son, you can tell him you are sorry he feels that way, but you made the decision that was good for you family. He doesn't need to understand now, but he might some day. There is no reason for you to bad mouth your mother. When he is older he will see it himself.

Lots of love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Tayana,
When you answer your mother's calls, at home or work, you are letting her cross your boundaries.

I'd screen or block her calls at home and seriously ask yourself, am I feeling up to dealing with her right now, before you choose to answer. Enforce the boundary of no-visits-without-being-invited, and make new ones.

You can just tell her, leave me a message, I'm not going to spend so much time on the phone.

Just seems to me that you've reported a lot of things she's said to you over the phone. I picture you feeling helplessly obligated to allow her to pour poison into your ear.

AIN'T SO!

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

We got the aquariums and the rest of my files, so that none of my "important" things are at their house.  She raked me over the coals when we got there, because I was treating her and my father like dirt.  She told me I had turned M against her, and then she basically forbade me from talking with my brother and ran him down for an hour.  Then she sniped on how I had blamed her for this and that, and told me how she had bent over backwards to help me with this move.

Beth, my goal after this coming week is to go no contact as much as possible.  I can't handle anymore.  I don't bad mouth her in front of my son, but sometimes something slips out, or he'll hear something when I'm talking to my brother.  I do try very hard to avoid that.

Hops, I can't block her calls at work, because numbers just show up as outside or inside calls, not a number.  I don't have a caller id phone at home yet.  I'm planning to get one.  She likes to do the phone thing, because it catches me off guard.

Ami, I don't understand her.  I never have.

[Hopalong]

Tayana,

You are a HERO!

You are doing GREAT, and you must be worn out.

It has been such an incredible ordeal to have to negotiate around her to get yourself and your son and your possessions safely moved, and to figure out the nightmare of arranging appropriate safe camp or childcare.

You are a single mother who hasn't yet had the chance to create her own family, but I swear girl, you've earned a new circle of 3-D friends and support and it will be a joy to cheer you on while you find it!

Meanwhile, you have accomplished SO SO SO SO SO SO much. I hope you feel proud. What courage and determination and resolve.

You will be setting and working on the business of boundaries for a long time until it comes naturally to you. But it's clearly really new to you now.

You've been doing an amazing, heroic job.

BRAVO, M's Mom! Tayana's out of jail!

love
Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tayana))))))))))))))))))))))))

Keep on keeping on and treading water. You will be fine. It is just hard during this adjustment time.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Tayana,
   You are doing so greaaaaaaat. I have so much respect for you. When I see how she "twists" things, I see their worst quality(IMO). It is trying to take away our ability to trust ourselves. They set up the s##t and then blame us. It is subtle,but I can really see it with her(b/c I am objective). She will destroy you--if you don't get away more. Inside her, she "wants " to destroy you if she cannot control you. She has lost control of you so it might even get worse and she will try to use your father more.
  It is so ,so, so sad and so, so unnecessary. However, that is how it is.Have you ever read Vaknin's book.? It is awful but so is the N mother.                            Love    Ami