Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: motheroffour on July 10, 2007, 06:05:31 PM
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Sometimes I look around at the people around me and sometimes I am so jealous. They look so happy with friends and family and laughter. They seem to find it easy to talk to others....to make and keep real connections. I have never really been connected to anyone in my life. My parents were, for lack of a better discription, emotionally absent. I rarely dated the kind of guys that treated me in respectful ways. I kissed a lot of frogs. I have struggled to find lasting friends. My husband had been so absent as well. Looking so good on the outside but not really connecting with me in meaningful ways. I don't seem to make friends easily. I really think that I am a fine person. I actually think that I have a lot to offer. But I think that I am developing a complex. Because of my pain, I find it so difficult to interact normally. And I am so sick of it. Wish someone could tell me what is wrong with me. I know I have had pain and I know it has been heavy, but that is not all I am. Why? Why? I read in an earlier post that we kindof attract N's into our lives. What is it about me that is attracting it? Cause dang! I want to stop. I want to have friends. Real, live ones that breath in and out and want to bbq on weekends and drop of their kids anytime. I want to have family around me that wants to be there and values my presence. My husbands N family certainly isn't that and right now I am public enemy #1 because I have made the mistake of trying to work out our difficulties. I am just so alone. I have a few friends. They are the kind that talk all about themselves and don't ask or want to hear about you. They suddenly become busy when you need to talk or fail to ask questions or remember your birthday or comment when something good happens. What the HECK is wrong with me? Kind of feels like a curse. Feel like a leper. Does anybody know what I mean?
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I know what you mean and sometimes I think it isn't us.... it's everyone else.
Sometimes I'm sure I'm the flawed one though, of course, too.
I'm right there with ya wishin for good friends that you feel close to and feel that you can ask for and give in the relationship.
Most of my relationships are about my giving and everyone expects me to give. They feel comfortable with it. They expect me to be a tower of strength so that I've had to break down and be SO vulnerable to get ANY empathy and I hate it hate it hate it.
What this tells me, I've been responsible for building walls and sending out the message that I don't need anyone or anthing.
I know I do that.
I know I'm hard to get to know.
I'm very private.
Guarded. I've built my own walls, I know.
For the most part I've not been able to trust most women.
I have one good friend now that sees clearly bc she's comfortable in her own skin. She doesn't need to ;put me down to feel better about herself.
Maybe most people are as uncomfortable within themeselves and feel even more vulnerable than we do? Can that be true? Can that be part of the problem?
Maybe they have more luck stepping on other people and making them feel small and that builds them up and makes them feel better about themselves?
Maybe I'd have better luck if I just spoke my truth to more people.... though I kinda doubt it.
I know this, I tend to steer towards older people, I'm talking elderly people.
I want connections and I want wisdom and I DO NOT WANT MORE COMPETITION.
I don't want to compete with friends for the best mother, best figure, best house, most money, best kids awards that YOU JUST KNOW everyone thinks about in this society. They do. No way around it. Even if they want you to think they aren't..... they think about it.
And if they don't, they worry you are or they worry that you feel you aren't measuring up, lol.
Oh my, we complicate things so much when it seems it could be so simple.
Sometimes I want to run away to Scandinavia where the women don't wear bras and they seem so childlike in their dealings with each other. They don't cut each other down and scalp each other at every turn, from what I gathered in socializing with them. Truly a pleasure and it was so refreshing.
This society has problems way beyond the individuals struggle to fit in.
It's not just a matter of becoming a more charming human being that attracts others to them, though I believe that would be helpful for you and me and everyone who wants more friendship and fellowship.
I'm thinking of taking a class on becoming more charming. A good friend is writing a book on it and doing workshops. I admit that he's been changed, in a very positive way, by the work he's been doing. If I had childcare help I'd join the group that meets weekly.
Heck, I'm going to FIND childcare and join. I hope it leads to more friendships and happiness in my life.
I do miss connections too, Motherofour.
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Well, that inability to connect properly has dogged me for much of my life. I'm convinced, after being on this board a year and a half now, that the only cure is to heal myself from the insides out. And it takes a lot of time. But forcing it hasn't worked, feeling sorry for myself hasn't worked, faking it hasn't worked. Only healing will work. So, that's my number one priority. Taking care of myself and letting the healing take place. Because I think I was even fighting against healing for awhile there.
Have you been on the board for long? There is lots to read here and that helped me a lot when I didn't know what to say or do. I'd just read the old posts and learn stuff that way and feel less alone.
I think just getting yourself here means you're heading in the right direction. Try different things and see what seems to feel right. There's lots of suggestions and directions and styles here.
Pennyplant
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Lighter -- How is it that you can say so much better what I so often think in my mind. You are truly amazing. I too, project that I don't need anyone or anything. Hmmm...I need to think on your words.
Pennyplant -- No I have not been on the board long. I am trying this thing out. Never communicated like this before. Trying to digest all this information. Been reading as much as I have time for. I really appreciate your words. Feel the same way about forcing it. I keep hearing that I should get out there and make new friends and reach out. I keep trying over and over and struggling over and over. For the last 6 months, I just kinda checked out. Beling really quiet. Trying to heal. Being patient with myself. Now I feel like I am ready to get out there again. Lots of social situations scare me. I am trying to overcome that fear. I am not sure how to deal with what feels like almost constant rejection. Trying so hard to feel good about who I am without much evidence from the outside. Keep feeling that if I had a friend then maybe I could receive a little postitive feedback and relax a bit. Maybe this board is a start, eh? Many kind words. So foreign in my world.
Thanks.
mof4
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Mof4,
I have had some times in my life when the friend thing worked well. So, I know I have it in me. Those times when it worked, I think the circumstances were right--I just happened to be around compatible people and also felt good about myself at the same time. But those periods were short-lived.
In looking back, I think I have made the most, real progress since I came to this board around January 2006. At that time, I was pretty much at rock bottom as far as stress, anxiety, and feelings of rejection and hopelessness. So, maybe I was finally open to some answers that maybe were there all along and I just wasn't ready for them. It is good to have some vocabulary for what was going on in my life from birth on. Things that didn't feel right, but which were pervasive and therefore felt "normal". So normal that I didn't really question the ways in which I was groomed all my life for failure. That's just some of what this board has given me.
And as a side note: don't be so sure that all the "shiny, happy people" you see all around you are actually that happy with their lives. They may be fooling themselves, they may be fooling everybody else. They may just be incredibly lucky. This is not an indication of your worth that you might seem not to measure up to them. It probably shouldn't even be a question of comparison anyway. They are them and you are you. Start with you and work from there. I know it's hard. But give yourself time and you will see what I mean.
Pennyplant
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I think sometimes it's simply a pattern repeating MOF.
I grew up in a family where the parents didn't love each other, no one loved anyone and the only emotions people showed were passive aggressive anger.
I thought I 'chose' my husband wisely when we frist started dating because he went to church and was very clever and his family seemed nice...of course we were far too young and his family turned out to be as unreal as mine emotionally though they had more pleasant surface behaviours.
The skills I used to cope with all these unfortunate relationships are the ones which make me really good at music therapy though now; nothing is ever wasted really.
Without therapy I think I would still be married though and miserable.
Instead of single and miserable :) Just joking, bit of a crisis last week, the clouds are clearing now & I feel positive again.
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Dear MO4, . I think that if I don't trust people,it is ME that I don't trust. I don't trust myself to chose the right people, stay within my own boundaries, not get overly close or run away or overly need approval . All these issues are my lack of trust in myself.(IMO)
It is easy to view it as the 'outside",but I think that it is the 'inside"
When the inside heals, the outside will reflect it. Then ,I think that I will have as many relationships as I can handle and they will be good..If they are not "good", I will be able to handle what happens b/c my worth does not depend on it
I think, also, that I expect the outside to "tell me who I am". That puts pressure on me . That makes the relationship a "drag". It is not fun when it is an " internal value" issue for me Love Ami
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WRITE
That joke is so cute !!!! Ami
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Thanks Ami! I am returning to normal you can see...
I have a few friends. They are the kind that talk all about themselves and don't ask or want to hear about you. They suddenly become busy when you need to talk or fail to ask questions or remember your birthday or comment when something good happens.
I do remember this though and it was because I didn't make contact with the kind of people I do now, more positive and kind and living happy lives themselves.
I kept repeatign the pattern of associating with the same kind of people i thought I belonged with or something, sounds strange now but it felt normal then.
Sounds like you are wakign from the same cocoon I did MOF, it's an exhilirating journey and though i haven't got my life right yet- I do have good full friendships now.
Therapy is a great place to begin.
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MOF(http://www.slrkelowna.ca/rose2.gif)
Hi. I spent 68 years wondering what was wrong with me.
I finally isolated myself to get a handle on what was going on. I didn't have any close friends here, where I moved in '98 with an N---2000 miles away from family and friends. I left the N in'02 and have been alone now for 5 years.
I realize now that my father was likley an N---deal with it, I said.
That my mother was just passive and absent---deal with it I said (they are both dead now.)
Four siblings and 2 are coming to see me Aug 4,5 and then going back east. They are not Ns. Another sister is an N, I realized, and is hiding behind G_d re all her mistakes. Another sister is a top Ontario golfer. All she says it to live life as one would play golf.
So not much help there.
My daughter, now 43, married an N in 1984--I didn't know about Ns. Now I know all the abuse she went through, as well as that crap he piled on me.---was becasue of N-ism. She divorced him in 1996 and they have 3 children. Eldest lives with the Dad and stopped in here last Fall. He is N-ish but bearable. The other 2 live with her and are 18 and 15. She and I were estranged in 1991 because her husband said so--you know "divide and conquer".
I realized that much of what happened to me would not have if I had been taught to stand up for myself--be assertive but not aggressive. I have been learning assertiveness in these past 5 years. I don't know what else I can learn, but I do know that I am likely the most competent paraplegic in Canada, that I am trustworthy, punctual, polite, independant, and have a few talents, like crocheting, writing lyrics and music and can heat up a frozen dinner in the oven.
I don't have any friends. All my contacts are through work that I do at home, website building and bookkeeping, and we get along great because we don't get up close and personal. (I don't want these people to know about my past---especially the estrangement from my daughter and grandchildren.)
I have built my own world here and anything that is outside the limits of my disablity is a no-no.
Do you assert yourself?
I am in therapy and she agrees that I am a very strong, competent person.
Most of my strength came from FEAR.
I have always lived in fear, and that fear makes me dive right in and conquer what is happening.
I don't know if I make sense but right now I think I am in the best place, for me, that I have ever been.
Love
Izzy
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(((((((((((((((((Izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy))))))))))))))))))
You awe me!
I think you are one of the most competent PEOPLE in Canada.
love
Hops
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To all --
Do you all have people seek YOU out as a friend? Or do you feel that you pick people that won't hurt you?
Do you ever feel like people like you for who you are? or do you, or did you ever feel like you had to go to great lengths to find love?
Healing from the inside out sounds right to me. Sometimes I think I was never taught how to have a balanced self. Love always seems to be something I have to earn. And even after so much effort, I fall short or it is withdrawn.
Izzy, Why don't you get up close and personal? Is it fear? or healthy distance? Don't you miss intimacy? Anything that is outside of your disability is a no/no? Why?
I do assert myself. And boy do I pay for it!!!. I am not aggressive. (Maybe occassionally) But most of the time if I have a need or concern, I try to go directly to that person to negotiate solutions. My problem is that I think I live in a circumstance where speaking of these things is so shameful and "not Christ-like". Now I understand the N elements. That helps. Trying to be assertive now without talking to anyone. Sick of getting my face bit off.
Write: I find that the people who are really happy feel like a different species than me right now. It is like when I am around I radiate pain. I just have to withdraw myself. It is terribly embarrassing. Trying to keep a low profile and only do what I can do. But my true self would be the best friend, I think. I think I'm fun and smart, you know? In the past, when I wasn't in so much pain, I remember feeling really confident. I was good at things. It seemed that my friends and even boyfriends were threatened by my ability. I watch myself in past few years "play stupid" or hold myself back so I don't scare people away. Is that nuts or what? Hate that about my recent past. Promised myself I wouldn't do that again. Are there people out there who actually give love without feeling threatened by your goodness? Who can be happy for you without always needing you for everything? Are there people out there that can handle some emotional neediness? Is it ok to need? At all? Or do I need to fabricate need to make others feel valuable? This sounds sick as I type it. Sorry. Think I am trying so hard to unwind from all the protections I have put in place. Really want to live in reality and maybe find some friends there too.
Pennyplant, I know it is not the smartest thing to compare. I like to observe though. Truthfully, I am not sure what healthy looks like or feels like. Really feel underdeveloped in this way. MY spirit yearns for it--even since early childhood. I watch to see if I can follow someones example. And other times, I am just jealous cause it seems to come so easy for some.
You all awe me. You sound so strong inspite of so much opposition. Thank you for enduring my remedial questions. Do I sound like I need "Narcissism for dummies"? :)
--Mof 4
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hi MOF
Izzy, Why don't you get up close and personal? Is it fear? or healthy distance? Don't you miss intimacy? Anything that is outside of your disability is a no/no? Why?
The latter part first. If someone with 14 steps inside the house and 5 outside, invites me to dinner it is a no-no! I will not struggle and crawl and be undignified just for a dinner. If it is tree climbing, I will give my regrets. If my wheels are wet in rain or covered with snow, I will not attend a place whereby I sit on the carpet and drip dry only to leave a terribly black set of tire marks!.
As far as up close and personal, we work together and sometimes work and 'pleasure' don't mix. Should anything go wrong in the workplace, there might be a personal item one or the other wishes he/she could take back.
As far as friends not in theworkplace, I have yet to come to terms as a finality, that it is over between my daughter and me. I don't want people to know. I don''t talk about her and the children, except here.
I hit Post too soon.
The communication between my daughter and me and my telling the therapist, appears to show that after my accident and she was only 6, I came home and was a different "Mommy" from before. It caused her depression by the time she was 12. She is still angry that I never noticed her depression and I have no excuse except that I never saw it! Her grades were still perfect and she and her friends hung around laughing and playing---all appeared normal!
--but i saw nothing unusual except me......
---but I will never be undisabled!
IZ
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Cool Izzy. Sounds like you do what is best for you. So kind to yourself. I respect that.
Are you on better terms at all with your daughter and her kids? I hope that relationship gets better. I really do.
Mof4
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Hi MOF
I was adding to my post as you posted.
"What is wrong with me" was my question when I came on Board, and why I am on my journey
I have not cried since 1992 and that was about my daughter and the children.
Izzy
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Izzy,
Your daughter still hasn't forgiven you for not knowing her pain? I can hear your broken heart.
Do you cry ever now? I cry all the time. It is quite embarrassing. My husband and I joke about me not being able to go 24 hours. I just got back from a cruise to Alaska. I didn't cry the whole trip. Eight days. It's my new world record. :P
Mof4
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MO4.... It's curiouse but the one friend I have close to my age(that really gets me without putting me down at all) is prone to self depracation, just as I am.
We're both from dysfunctional families, her's perhaps worse than mine. I think we're both a little surprised at how competent the other one is, considering we each tend to down play our strengths..... probably from habit.
I know I do it with current other friends who aren't so supportive. I watch myself do it. I cringe as i do it. I feel weak but I haven't replaced them and sometimes I reach out to them when i should be reaching to someone who builds me up. I have those people in my life. They don't mind my reaching out. I should do it more often. I think I will.
Edit edit edit. Replace replace replace. I need to follow my own advice.
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Mof
No, my daughter and I recently had a barrage of emails talking about the past, and that depression of hers, she said, was one thing for which she had not yet forgiven me---for not noticing and getting help for her, as I think she has had a low-grade depression ever since
Imagine taking 30 years to tell me. I was shocked! and No! I never cry. I don't know if there is anything that would bring on the tears.
now lighter,
isn't it said that self-depracating humour is a good thing?
I might be putting my wheelchiar into the car and someone will say, in a complimentary way, that it looks like I've done that before. (takes practice) so I say, "I don't really need it. I just use it to get the good parking spaces."
I used to ask if someone knew my grandson's favourite vegetable was.....
"No".
"ME!"
It is self-depracating humour that is good!
That always broke the tension between me and 'walkies'--that I could laugh at myself and all was well!
izzy
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God I love humor, lol.
Your use of it with the walkies is very amusing and refreshing for sure.
I laughed out loud over the "I don't really need it, I just use it to get the good parking spaces" comment, lol.
Very funny, Izzy!
I get funnier when I'm around people I feel accepted and appreciated by. I get all choked up with discomfort and doubt around new people and people I think dissaprove of me or think badly of me or don't know what to expect from me. I've been verbally popped in the nose enough that I'm just plain gun shy around most women.
People tend to judge on appearances and it's never a good thing, IMO.
One mother from my church, who's child went to school with my child as well..... was always knocking me off my horse whatever I said to her. I finally started meeting her cynisism with my own brand and she relaxed a bit. Talk about bitter.... but she later revealed WHY she was always so bitter and unhappy, lol. I identified and we can sit around and be very funny together NOW. It wasn't always that way.
She'd say things like....."You look like the type to bake cookies.." if I was talking about what I had planned for later or whatever......or something that was meant to knock me down a peg. I didn't let it get to me.... I took it as a challenge to win her over, lol. Don't even know why but we get along and we're sorta the black sheep at the kid's school together now. I'll be the blackest now that I'm getting a divorce. Right wing group.... it won't be pretty. I can sense even she's distancing herself from me, lol... in anticipation of staying where she is and not losing any ground within the school's group.
::sigh:: Life's a lot easier on the extraverts, that's for sure.
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Hey lighter
glad you liked and you are right about:
"I get funnier when I'm around people I feel accepted and appreciated by."
I feel the same way, but there are some people without an ounce of humour in them. I learned when I was about 16, that the guys appreciated humour. For me, it comes naturally in the right circumstances, but then there are some people who just deflate you.
I have Harrington Rods in my back from the accident and I would say that "now I'd be setting off alarms in the airports" and some dough-head would pipe up that i never fly so don't worry!
As soon as I start telling people that my nuits and bolts are loosened from the Rods they just howl--probably because they think i'm nuts anyway.
Yes. people judge on appearance, so with my being in a wheelchair, I can scare some people off--that's why I think up things to say that will set them at ease.
I'm an introvert, really, and you're right about the extroverts.
are you baking cookies tonight?
Lovre Izzy
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I'm not baking tonight, lol.... .I'm eating my way through last nights baked brownie muffins and todays hummingbird cake a realtor gave me from her bust caravan no one showed up for and the chocolate milkshake from Steak and shake and another brownie muffin...mmmmm so good!
I'm self medicating with food today. I just can't help it. I'll get busy with legal stuff about 3am when I wake up and don't have enough time to get it all done.... I'll be brilliant and pull it off, as is my custom.
Must be why I need all these calories, eh, lol?
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Wow!
I would blow up if I put all that in my tummy!
I just had dinner, 2 pork chops cooked with onions tomatoes, cucumber and garlic. I had my salad last night and my potatoes the night before. Takes me 3 nights to have a meal LOL
But Pizza! Well don't get me started--there's never any left over for the next day!
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Wow!
I would blow up if I put all that in my tummy!
I just had dinner, 2 pork chops cooked with onions tomatoes, cucumber and garlic. I had my salad last night and my potatoes the night before. Takes me 3 nights to have a meal LOL
But Pizza! Well don't get me started--there's never any left over for the next day!
Oh no Izzy, lol. You're doing it all wrong. I take a bite with EVERYTHING at once, lol. You're one of those people who eats only one thing on their plate at a time?
Bean.... I wanted to add that our friends feed us, along with accept us for who we are. Nice post.
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Bean,
You are getting me! Thank you. I kind of just burst into tears when I read your post. Is is so very rare when anyone expresses true understanding. thank you for caring that way. I am kinda tender right now I guess..... I do need the friends you describe. I need a family. I am so very alone. I don't say that to be dramatic. It is risky to admit. But out of honesty I admit it. Isn't it okay to be needy in this way??
I think that I try hard to accept myself where I am at. I sometimes find it difficult to orient myself. Never been through recovery before. Don't know anyone who is going thru what I am. Don't know all the time what is normal or healthy place vs. an self defeating place. Vacilate between feeling good about my progress and then like I am the crazy one. Well, I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be weird. I want to be me. All of me, pain and all and in whatever place I am in and not feel like there is a scarlet A on my forehead warning people to stay away.
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Hi, Motherof4,
Just before reading this, I was thinking of the struggle to even recognize "normal"... and how disorienting "ordinary" life experiences can be when you're not sure whether you've ever even experienced normalcy.
I'm a wife and mom of 4 also, and much of the time I can get so busy just taking care of others' needs that there's no room for such reflection... so when there's a quiet time, particularly in the aftermath of an "aha! moment", all of this can hit like a ton of bricks. I've processed alot of the stuff that came along with association with N'ism, and yet those aha! moments just keep rolling in, faithful as the tide. Each one seemed to shatter any illusion of normalcy, until I realized that it's okay for "normal" to be continually redefined :)
Once I became aware of the depth of abnormality of my previous existence (hah) I discovered a new greatest fear - becoming stuck in a self-defeating place. But you know... it takes a strong will and character, I think... along with a hearty measure of humility and the grace of God... to even be able to recognize the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this stuff. The work to be done seems monumental, but then I believe that God only reveals so much of it to us, at one time, that He knows we can handle by His grace. That assurance is what keeps me going.
What some folks may view as a "scarlet A" is seen as a jewel of great price in the eyes of those who've chosen to travel the path of authenticity. As you receive strength from those who do understand, you'll be better able to deal with those who don't... and remain unscathed.
Instead of "weird", maybe try out "peculiar" :) and consider that just maybe it's a blessing when some choose to "stay away"?
I've enjoyed reading your posts and there's no doubt in my mind that you'll learn alot and continue to grow in healing! Best wishes,
Hope
P.S. to Beanie... I learned alot through your post, as well... thank you!
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motherof4,
i have been asking myself the same ?? for years. "what is wrong with me?" i can relate with the friends, especially. i was married once to a wonderful man, and father to my children. we did connect. he was very easy to get along with, but with everyone else, even my family, i seem like the outcast.
i came into contact with my Nb/f(x) four years ago, and we never really connected. after learning so much about Narcissism, i now know they are emotional aloof.
i don't have any really close friends, and this "alone" life really does get lonely. I also, would like to hear what is wrong with me?? it is good to know that someone else feels the way i do.
Sweetgrass
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[Take the "wrong" out of the title and just ask. Where am I? What am I? Try to get in touch with that core person.e]
Dear Bean,
Thanks for this. I really needed this ,today Love Ami
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MOF,
Handshake of board fellowship to you.
There is so much wisdom in what the others have said. Some of it I am only able to identify with after the fact. One thing that strikes me about our circumstances (participants here) are the similarities of what we see after the ahhh moment hits us full force and the scales fall from our eyes. One particular emotion that seems to be common and growing exponitially just prior to the ahhh moment to the point of explosion is that burning question, What about me? And a fear of what would happen if I let the explosion of anger out. I think what I'm hearing louder than anything is your cry, What about me? When do I ever get to go to the emotional spa? When will I enjoy calm conversations, peaceful moments, restful peace? When will you ever look at me and see that I have needs too? I remember that period very well. I remember feeling that I must be a selfish bitch. I remember thinking I should be punished for even thinking such a thing. Now I know that was an important part of the pre recovery stage. Those feelings and others are going to flow no matter what.
Not everyone heals the same, but there are certain markers along the way and they follow an order. As you heal, you'll feel it as you move from one plain to another. Your field of vision about it all will expand at each level. If you allow it to flow and not force it (as PP alluded to) it will be easier. I mean that with all my heart. You are in a process. One of my mantra's here is to say to those just starting in recovery, Time is on your side. It would seem cockeyed to say, Sit back and enjoy, It's not an enjoyable ride. But it can be made easier by allowing the process to take its course. Another mantra of mine here is that once the healing has begun, you will either do the twelve step program or the twelve step program will do you. By that I mean that the twelve step program is an organizational tool about recovery that helps a person identify and understand the different levels, plains, stages or recovery. It isn't the twelve steps that bring or cause recovery, it is the twelve steps that help us understand the inherent way recovery happens. A person can know the twelve steps from start to finish, but not be in recovery. When I went into recovery, I didn't know what had happened to me, didn't know about twelve step programs, didn't know anyone (I'd just moved to the area), didn't have a church, couldn't afford a therapist, dysfunctional wasn't in my vocabulary, recovery was something like bringing bombs from the ocean floor, well, let's just say I was ignorant about emotions, dysfunction, recovery, emotional healing, anxiety, the fallout from tragedy, all that. As a result, I crashed and burned, went into a tailspin, didn't know what was happening to me, thought I might literally die a physical death from the emotional pain, had no sympathizers to hold me up, The process overtook me and did its work. I did it alone for the most part. It was very hard. I found this board. It helped. Later I got into a ladies twelve step program. I learned that I was healing from codependence and enmeshment with an narcissistic mom into whose sick mini kingdom the rest of the family, my dad, sister and brother had been forced or manipulated or triangulated into from the start. It was in the ladies group that I learned that I had gone through each of the twelve steps, not knowing their names or anything about twelve steps. The process had done its work without me knowing that there was an organizational tool that put names to the different stages. Even so, it helped me to continue in the ladies group so I could internalize the steps and have a working knowledge of how the process unfolds. I guess what I'm saying is that if you attend a twelve step program or not, just keep in mind that the process you are in has that inherent organization to it. There are books written on the subject that you can read at home. You don't have to attend a group to understand or experience the twelve steps. I'm living proof that the process can take place with or without significant outside help. But I'm also here to tell you that having outside help, i.e., a therapist, a group, this board, someone(s) to bare your soul to who understands confidentiality, helps tremendously. Knowing what I know now, I'd never attempt doing it alone again. But I didnt' know then what I know now. As I said on another thread. For those who were raised in a healthy home, becoming a fully functioning healthy adult was learned gradually and effortless like growing hair. For those who weren't it is doubly hard because we have to undo what went before and learn a new way. It is not easy. It can be done. Life is so much more meaningful when it is generated from a healthy self. I'm cheering for you. You are in a process. It takes time. It won't be easy. You can do it. There are helps out there. Don't cast your pearls before swine, that is to say, find safe harbor in a group that understands recovery and holds confidences sacred, read this board, study Dr. G's essays, read from the recommended reading list (the other board at this site, get checked out by your physician, don't be ashamed of where you are. Pill therapy may be an option, especially at the beginning to help you get a running start. Be sure you are monitored carefully by your physician if you do pill therapy. I for instance couldn't take anti depressants because they made my symptoms worse. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm cheering for you dear one.
tt
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MO4,
I would agree wholeheartedly with what tt has written. The healing process is just that--a process, with many steps, not the same for everyone, but individual steps which must be dealt with, embraced and understood individually before moving to the next level.
I have said here many times, that I could not have gotten through those steps and reached the other side to a point of healing, without the help and guidance of my wonderful therapist. The financial burden was worth every penny, and I would recommend therapy to anyone dealing with life's issues. I also joined a divorce support group through my church, and spent many hours on this board, which also helped greatly.
My T made it clear from the beginning that I would be required to heal from the inside out in order for his work to be successful. Going deep inside is a very scary proposition and it took nearly a year of my 2 years in therapy to go there, but it is the key to ultimate healing, IMO. It was never a pleasant experience to discover the hurt that was done by my n father and enabling mother (now both deceased), or the injuries caused by my 2 xn husbands, but I needed to understand it all, to hopefully never make the same mistake again in choosing a life partner or developing friendships.
I can say with great joy and pride that I believe I now have in my life a wonderful life partner and 3 of the best friends a girl could ask for. All of these people came into my life either during or essentially after the healing was complete. I say complete, but that's just from the trauma. Healing will forever be an ongoing process. I continue to fine tune those relationships, including the relationship I have with my 22 year old son and 19 year old daughter, the choices I make whether to allow something to defeat me or make me stronger, and deciding where my life will go from here. I believe that for the most part, I have been a great mom and my children recognize that, but mostly they are proud of how I handled the dissolution of the marriage to their father (not my idea, but I'm ultimately thrilled that it happened), and have not allowed the difficult times to destroy me. It is an example I was so pleased to provide for them.
There is nothing "wrong" with you. You are carrying hurt that needs to be healed in order for the fog to clear. I hope you can find a way to that healing and I can promise that if you want to have caring, loving friendships or relationships, they are out there waiting for you. The choice can ultimately be yours.
Hugs,
Brigid
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Thanks for helping me see that what seems so impossible really isn't. I feel you telling me that the power is within me. Thank you for adding to my vision for what my path to healing must be. I love the patience with which you all approach this process. It is refreshing and releases the pressure. Thank you. I will work on taking that word "wrong" out of my question and eventually out of my beliefs . I already feel differently.
Thank you all. It is amazing to me what strength I already feel from only sharing a few days with you. Kinda feel like I should know it by heart by now. I really struggle actually doing it. Wanting the rubber to hit the road. Actually feel real progress, moving from the stuck place. Cheers to all of you who have made it through. Thank you for the hope. Kinda felt like I have been lying on the battleground holding on to dear life to my hope flag which is covered in bullet holes.
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Bean,
What an empathic, skilled, constructive post you wrote...it was "empathic engineering". :)
TT, staggering. It's like seeing someone give a hungry person a certificate good for a year of free groceries, instead of dinner.
Brigid, so good to hear your voice again.
MO4, I'm so glad you're here...your posts and everyone's responses remind me again what a miraculous gift Dr. G made possible, and we all renew.
Wow.
Hops
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Wow!
I would blow up if I put all that in my tummy!
I just had dinner, 2 pork chops cooked with onions tomatoes, cucumber and garlic. I had my salad last night and my potatoes the night before. Takes me 3 nights to have a meal LOL
But Pizza! Well don't get me started--there's never any left over for the next day!
Oh no Izzy, lol. You're doing it all wrong. I take a bite with EVERYTHING at once, lol. You're one of those people who eats only one thing on their plate at a time?
Bean.... I wanted to add that our friends feed us, along with accept us for who we are. Nice post.
I cook and eat one PER DAY--I think you missed that--I never make a full dinner of meat potatoes and vegetables, all at once... too much!
Izzy
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When I started this thread, I think that maybe what I really wanted to say was, " I am loveable. Why doesn't anybody love me? There must be someting wrong with me..." Everyday I read an entry from my book, "The language of letting go", by Melody Beattie. It is a recovery book giving one healing idea to read everyday of the year. I read it randomly and look for headings that fit what I feel that day. Today I read this. Thought it was valuable.......
We Are Loveable
Even if the most important person in you world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.
Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking we are unloveable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don't believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.
While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren't loved was because we were unloveable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn't love us, or love us in ways that worked, that is not our fault. In recovery, we're learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we're learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.
Just as we may have believed that we're unloveable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are loveable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with ourself. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.
Today, God, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I have about being lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.
This helped me refocus my pain. I like the part about separating from the actions of others. As for today, I want to change worrying about what is wrong with me. And acknowledging that I am loveable and deserve the best kind of love.....gonna practice this one today.
-mof4