MOF,
Handshake of board fellowship to you.
There is so much wisdom in what the others have said. Some of it I am only able to identify with after the fact. One thing that strikes me about our circumstances (participants here) are the similarities of what we see after the ahhh moment hits us full force and the scales fall from our eyes. One particular emotion that seems to be common and growing exponitially just prior to the ahhh moment to the point of explosion is that burning question, What about me? And a fear of what would happen if I let the explosion of anger out. I think what I'm hearing louder than anything is your cry, What about me? When do I ever get to go to the emotional spa? When will I enjoy calm conversations, peaceful moments, restful peace? When will you ever look at me and see that I have needs too? I remember that period very well. I remember feeling that I must be a selfish bitch. I remember thinking I should be punished for even thinking such a thing. Now I know that was an important part of the pre recovery stage. Those feelings and others are going to flow no matter what.
Not everyone heals the same, but there are certain markers along the way and they follow an order. As you heal, you'll feel it as you move from one plain to another. Your field of vision about it all will expand at each level. If you allow it to flow and not force it (as PP alluded to) it will be easier. I mean that with all my heart. You are in a process. One of my mantra's here is to say to those just starting in recovery, Time is on your side. It would seem cockeyed to say, Sit back and enjoy, It's not an enjoyable ride. But it can be made easier by allowing the process to take its course. Another mantra of mine here is that once the healing has begun, you will either do the twelve step program or the twelve step program will do you. By that I mean that the twelve step program is an organizational tool about recovery that helps a person identify and understand the different levels, plains, stages or recovery. It isn't the twelve steps that bring or cause recovery, it is the twelve steps that help us understand the inherent way recovery happens. A person can know the twelve steps from start to finish, but not be in recovery. When I went into recovery, I didn't know what had happened to me, didn't know about twelve step programs, didn't know anyone (I'd just moved to the area), didn't have a church, couldn't afford a therapist, dysfunctional wasn't in my vocabulary, recovery was something like bringing bombs from the ocean floor, well, let's just say I was ignorant about emotions, dysfunction, recovery, emotional healing, anxiety, the fallout from tragedy, all that. As a result, I crashed and burned, went into a tailspin, didn't know what was happening to me, thought I might literally die a physical death from the emotional pain, had no sympathizers to hold me up, The process overtook me and did its work. I did it alone for the most part. It was very hard. I found this board. It helped. Later I got into a ladies twelve step program. I learned that I was healing from codependence and enmeshment with an narcissistic mom into whose sick mini kingdom the rest of the family, my dad, sister and brother had been forced or manipulated or triangulated into from the start. It was in the ladies group that I learned that I had gone through each of the twelve steps, not knowing their names or anything about twelve steps. The process had done its work without me knowing that there was an organizational tool that put names to the different stages. Even so, it helped me to continue in the ladies group so I could internalize the steps and have a working knowledge of how the process unfolds. I guess what I'm saying is that if you attend a twelve step program or not, just keep in mind that the process you are in has that inherent organization to it. There are books written on the subject that you can read at home. You don't have to attend a group to understand or experience the twelve steps. I'm living proof that the process can take place with or without significant outside help. But I'm also here to tell you that having outside help, i.e., a therapist, a group, this board, someone(s) to bare your soul to who understands confidentiality, helps tremendously. Knowing what I know now, I'd never attempt doing it alone again. But I didnt' know then what I know now. As I said on another thread. For those who were raised in a healthy home, becoming a fully functioning healthy adult was learned gradually and effortless like growing hair. For those who weren't it is doubly hard because we have to undo what went before and learn a new way. It is not easy. It can be done. Life is so much more meaningful when it is generated from a healthy self. I'm cheering for you. You are in a process. It takes time. It won't be easy. You can do it. There are helps out there. Don't cast your pearls before swine, that is to say, find safe harbor in a group that understands recovery and holds confidences sacred, read this board, study Dr. G's essays, read from the recommended reading list (the other board at this site, get checked out by your physician, don't be ashamed of where you are. Pill therapy may be an option, especially at the beginning to help you get a running start. Be sure you are monitored carefully by your physician if you do pill therapy. I for instance couldn't take anti depressants because they made my symptoms worse. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm cheering for you dear one.
tt
