Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: WRITE on August 19, 2007, 03:48:18 PM
-
Some people have had it so much ahrder than me financially, but this week my finances took another beating with yet another large expense and September will be the first month I won't have enough to cover all my bills.
Fortunately I can pay on my credit card and pay that back, but to me it's highly symbolic too of 'losing control'.
I've always had to be so in control because of the bipolar- it's a common symptom for people to run up huge debts because of mania.
Help!
-
Dear WRITE,
I can't figure out if your big expense was a "necessity"or extravagance. If it was a necessity--- then bipolar would not be an issue. Right? I guess that I need clarification in order to help.
Love Ami
-
I'm sorry WRITE
So does mania always make you spend? Can you tell when you are changing into a miser?
For what area do you require HELP?
talking or a loan?
Hang in
love
Izzy
-
wow
do I bring threads ro an end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
-
Actually I think the thread is a perfectly good example of why someone shouldn't mention they are bipolar- it skews people's perceptions to the Nth degree!
People who know me better perhaps wonder if I'll be offended by words like 'extravagant' and 'miser'! :shock:
I'm not, maybe I don't express myself well, this is all new to me:
No, I am not out of control either financially or mentally, I simply don't have enough money to cover an unexpected $1200 insurance premium.
However getting into debt feels horrible- I have so struggled to cover all my bills and had a horrible year financially with one thing after another. Ex helped me with the extra school vacation expenses or I would have been in debt last month, but I don't want to rely on him too often.
Every month something seems to go wrong and I get a big expense, maybe I'm just having a bad run....
If I could just have a quiet couple of months I'd be fine!
I guess I need to hear that other people have had these times too andworked through them and- it'll be okay.
It will be okay, right?
:?
-
Yes, I have had those times and yes, it will be okay.
You have old tapes playing in the background... I can hear them from wayyy over here, Write.
Hit the mute button!
Love,
Hope
-
yes, Write
You will be okay---i was led down the garden path on a phrase and I take back 'miser"....well a word "bi-polar"
since it was in your original post I thought it had something to do with debt, but now you have cleared that up.
Love
Izzy
-
i am so sorry , WRITE, that you are hurting . I think that your "old tapes" are replaying and causing an already painful situation to feel worse.
You are not a "failure" if your ex or someone else helps you out.
It is not about success or failure-- in reality. Your thinking is putting it in these categories, I think.
(((((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
-
I'll be honest, I am scared.
It is really hard to manage finances in America, the default state is everything costs money and you never know exactly how much it's going to be! I daren't take the dog to the vets or I'll be pressed to have something she probably doesn't need, I haven't been to the dentist in months, I know he needs a new Mercedes and someone has to pay for it!
I'm smiling but truthfully-
I dread everything- organising my move, who knows what that will end up costing....
I've been asked to participate in this wonderful music group but I will have to get a special outfit, if it's hundreds of dollars I just won't be able to do it.
A group I've been director of for a few years has run out of funding for my expenses, I'm supposed to return to that in September and I was reluctant to do it when they stopped paying me, if they don't pay expenses I'll have to stop altogether.
I just cancelled my therapy for a few weeks, even though I probably need it more than ever...
My friend called today and invited me on a vacation with her, it'll just cost my airfare, she has a beautiful place overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. I really need a break, but what if I haven't paid off the credit card by then?
I know these aren't important things in the grand scale of things, but I am just frustrated I guess that I can't seem to manage this aspect of my life, and my friends laugh at me. They are either rich and don't worry or just charge their lifestyle and don't worry!
How do other people make these decisions and keep on top of everything?
:?:
-
Dear Write,
Just say no.
No, No, No.
Begin with a list of needs and a budget to meet those alone.
Keep saying no to these other options/opportunities until that budget is firmly in place.
You can manage... you can sit still and say no... and you can separate needs from wants, meet the needs, prioritize the wants, and save for those.
I know that you can do this.
((((((((((Write)))))))))))
Love,
Hope
-
I know these aren't important things in the grand scale of things,
Beep, Beep. Hello! Where did you get this idea - not important indeed. Of course they are important!!!
Listen to you - you are scared. That makes this important!!!!!
My absolute favorite source of answers for things financial is Dave Ramsey. I'm sure he has a web site.
He is really a guru about getting out of debt and building savings. He is so down to earth and one of
the many, many things I love about him is that he acknowledges the psychological stress of things financial
and takes that into account when he gives advice about how to handle a debt issue.
You will be ok WRITE. You are going through a scary time. It is hard to live on a budget that has very little wiggle room but Hope is right. (Now I'm moving into 'Do as I say not as I do' territory.) A written budget about what you expect to come in and what you know is going to go out - really, really helps!!
You are going through a difficult adjustment. It definitely makes it worse that you KNOW that you COULD ask XN to help and he would but THAT'S THE PROBLEM. It's like - there is a safety valve - and goodness knows to have the extra money would simply take some of the pressure off and pressure is not good for any of our mental states BUT with him NOTHING comes without strings.
If asking him was not an option I think your adjustment would be a little easier, not alot but a little. But even still, you are going through a difficult adjustment. Your divorce is still very, very fresh. Give yourself time and don't demand too much from yourself. I.E. don't expect these solutions to be simple. Just know that it will take time to figure out how to get the income you need to meet the lifestyle that will be comfortable. I believe you can do it. Just don't expect it to fall in place overnight. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You deserve that!!!!!
your friend - Gaining strength
-
Dear dear Write and Dear dear GS and Dear dear anyone in this pickle,
I have my head stuck in the sand so far just my feet stick out.
This is a very scary topic for me. But I am so glad you brought it up Write.
I don't manage, I hide, I avoid, I postpone, and I get very very anxious about even the simplest budget.
I am math phobic and constantly embarrassed that I can't seem to keep things balanced.
The debt isn't terrible but it's not good either and I do hide. Which makes things late. Which makes it all worse.
And which makes me very immature.
I don't spend much at all and I'm no consumer. But I still feel haunted by security fears.
I will stand by and learn, I hope, as people post about money anxiety.
Thank you again Write for bringing it up.
love, gratefully,
Hops
-
Dear Write and Everyone-
This is definitely an almost universal fear- not having enough, or if one has enough, how to keep it (or not lose it)! There is no absolute answer...there may be mistakes even, but being able to face one's reality, and do the best possible with it, is a first, big, step. Write, you are not alone or "bad" in this.
Hugs,
Changing
-
Sorry Write:
Thank goodness for credit cards and don't forget you can transfer that balance to a new 0% interest card pretty quickly if you can't pay it off completely, soon.
::hoping it wasn't too big an expense::
Don't let this upset you too much ((Write))
It's gonna be OK.
-
I guess I need to hear that other people have had these times too andworked through them and- it'll be okay.
It will be okay, right?
:?
Yes..... it will be OK and I've certainly been there, done that. Heck, I'm doing it right now.
BTW..... I knew you weren't talking about a splurge purchase in your OP.
-
i am so sorry , WRITE, that you are hurting . I think that your "old tapes" are replaying and causing an already painful situation to feel worse.
You are not a "failure" if your ex or someone else helps you out.
It is not about success or failure-- in reality. Your thinking is putting it in these categories, I think.
(((((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
Wha?!?!
-
If it is not one thing it is another! The fridge breaks, the car breaks, the etc. It always seems to happen all at once. And if you have kids they always seem to need stuff and more stuff! If you are alone I think budgeting is easier because you do not have so many hands in the cookie jar. You are not alone. I stress about money ALL the time!
-
Dear Write,
Here's Dave Ramsey's website, as Gaining Strength mentioned... http://www.daveramsey.com/ (http://www.daveramsey.com/)
At the top, there's a link to "Get your free check-up"... Financial Reality Check.
That unexpected insurance bill must have hit you like a meteorite out of nowhere.
((((((((Write))))))) I'm sorry... my brain doesn't connect with feelings where budgeting is concerned.
There's no room for them on the chart. When feelings enter into the process, I've noted a rapid decline in common sense, so... total disconnect there.
But Write... I believe that you can benefit from some solid financial counseling.
In the very most non-condemning tone, with all of the love in my heart,
might I suggest that you re-evaluate your upcoming move?
If you're unable to figure an approximate cost for the move, then you don't really know whether or not you can afford it, right?
I would surely feel out of control in that situation...
But you can choose to allow your feelings to move you into some very deliberate, conscious choices to firm up your approach to finances, then that fear gets put into its place, and wise decisiions follow.
I hope you're okay... I have a feeling you're wishing that you'd never posted this... and if that's the case, I am really sorry... because we all need support in this and every other area, at times. And that's okay!! I hope you're okay...
With love,
Hope
-
Write,
I'm coming to this thread a bit late...you've had a lot of good advice already.
When I split up with my NBoyfriend 18 years ago, he cleared out our 'joint account' (the one *I* put money into, and *HE* took money out of), leaving it overdrawn by hundreds of pounds, just before he cleared off for good. The bank came after me ('obviously,' they said, '- you're still here').
So, I had to manage with the house, on my own, lumbered with his debt. On paper, there was more going out than coming in, just with basic things, not allowing anything 'spare' for stuff like clothes, fixing the car, etc.
For two years, I didn't have enough money to even buy second hand clothes from the Oxfam shop.
I *could* have borrowed from my NMum, but I knew that would suck me back in to her control. So, I paid things off slowly and evenly to people I had to.
Yes, it's very, very scary, especially if you are an organised control freak like me, and hate to be in debt.
But years later, I can see now that I managed it, and a debt hole CAN be climbed out of.
You will need, as others have said, to sit down and make a list of absolute essentials, and scrub everything else, and that sounds depressing, but I actually found it quite creative, after a while! :)
I hope things get sorted for you quickly though.
Janet
-
Thanks everyone, just on my way to work and I'll reply in more detail later, but I did sit down last nigth and pare things to the minimum. I can stop picking up the $10 of groceries here and there we all do; I can cancel my gym ( $54 ) since there's a nice little one in my new apartment place and a park over the way; I'll be closer to son and save on gas....
However next month will mean rent on two places for some of the month plus the cost of the removal van.
And I'll have to buy a washer/ dryer as they're not in my new place! Fortunately ex suggested he get them for my birthday this week or I'd just have to wait.
The problem has been there is just always something- every month there seems to be some 'essential' like car repairs, then when I finally gave up on that there was the month I had to put down a deposit on the new car ( and now a monthly payment ); when the dog needs her injections and flea meds and heart worm meds it's $200; the car insurance is due every 6 th month ( $600 ) and is still really expensive because I never had insurance in my name before.
The car finance was more expensive because I had little credit rating because I only just got a SS number....
And since the divorce that's how much my monthly bills have shot up now I have to find my own insurance & buy a car:
$339 ( car )
$470 ( COBRA )
$100 ( average car insurance )
____
$909
I'm running just to stay in place!
Thanks everyone, I look forward to reading in more detail later.
You're all wonderful XXXXX
-
I'd like to recommend the book Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach. Also he wrote Start Late, Finish Rich. I like all his books, but they can be a little repetitive once you read a couple. Anyway he has good practical advice and his writing style is so upbeat, encouraging, positive and motivational that you put the book down and feel exhilarated to go out and figure it all out.
-
I understand Write...I'm so grateful you're offering us a chance to be Dave Ramseys for each other!!!
I have to stop buying lunch from the cute store across the way. Two lunches and a snack a week there is $15, easy.
My MAIN thing is I have to stop hiding from the paperwork and pay the darn bills. I literally avoid it. I am responsible for all my mother's financial management as well as my own. Economically, I fear the time when she is gone, when all house expenses including mortgage will be mine. My income is half what it was when I moved home to take care of her because of the job upheavals.
During the day, here at work, I'm organized and functional most of the time. When I go home and retreat to my (teenage) room...I become irresponsible. I take care of my mother carefully, go upstairs and it's like, I'm 14 again...escaping into reading, TV, and the board.
I feel shame about it.
Hops
-
A very significant if silly money-memory for me is that as a little girl, I got an allowance of 50 cents a week. I fell head over heels in love with a stuffed toy, a basset hound, at a local store. Every week when we went there, my parents would allow me to ask the saleslady to let me hold her (Bessie). I was in serious love. And I saved my money week after week. I had about $4 saved when my birthday came and when I woke up, there she was on my bed.
I remember vividly this strange strange feeling. Here she was, the object of my adoration, mine at last, and oh I was glad. But I also felt a strange sinking sadness or disappointment. I realized it was because I had wanted to do it myself. I was gaining so much from the experience of saving, and feeling I could actually purchase her myself.
Out of the best of intentions, my parents set me back a bit. Ridiculous to be annoyed at them in the slightest...they simply didn't think about these psychological things about growth and hadn't been taught to I guess. But I remember how deflating it was.
Hops
-
Hops-Do yourself a favor and sign up for online bill pay. I just in in and change amounts if needed and they say the bills. I do not even pay for postage.
-
OC, hon...
Speaking of shame, I do have an online bill paying service.
They send me the email and all I have to do is log on, decide the amount, and click Pay.
And I only get a few bills.
I have no excuse at all.
Iphi, thank you for the book suggestions. I may get the Start Late one! And I love Dave Ramsey too, he adds such joy to the notion of paying down debt, so you feel empowered rather than scared.
love
Hops
-
Dearest Hopth,
Methinks, mayhaps, t'would not be forsoophing for one such as I to dwell but a moment in thine ruby slippers...
I'd be feeling marooned in Oz ( a familiar dream-like state) where time stood still and only my earthly tent participated in the daily rituals of existence.... true life on hold, until such a time as... well, you know.
My vision is blurred by the fog of things past, which lingers within that abode... where hopes and dreams and fears beset that teen who is no more... shades of rebellion, expressed or not, grief for that which is lost, and shame for that which has been found... well, you know. Okay, now I'm scaring myself.
Sweet Hops, dreadful anticipation creates so much more destruction in the psyche than the actual tackling of those numbers in black and white.
Perspective... 100% of the battle... and sometimes in a physical sense... even just doing the actual paperwork in another location... and if no computer is available, so be it. But I do think it's that house.... that room... and that whole limbo-like, was-blurred-with-is atmosphere...
A portable accordion-style file box, clipboard, and a calculator and you're doin high finance from Point Lookout, with only the scenic view through the windshield and nothing but relief when it's over.
Love,
Hope
-
Well like G S i need to practice what I preach-the Queen of procrastination
-
Oh I would so hate to be in my teen room - horrors! (((((Hops)))))
My suggestion is pay the bills at work because in that location you feel more productive. Don't even set yourself up to fail by trying to do it at home where it becomes a psychological mountain. Tip the playing field in your favor. Do it at lunch or before or after work. Set yourself a task or an outlook appointment. But I recognize completely that this is about much more than just the act so in all things, be kind to yourself, above all, please.
-
That reminds me I still haven't done my expenses....
I don't know what it is that puts us off these things, but probably the negativity surrounding doing it in the past. My ex is still ( in the present ) not far away waiting for me to screw up! He even said to me that he will have to sort things out again like I routinely make a mess of stuff and in all our marriage I can only think of one time the money got messed up and we didn't have enough until payday, so I don't really screw up, it's just I'm semi-conditioned to think I will i guess.
I pay every bill as it comes in Hops, always have done so as to not to confuse what's mine and what isn't. It's just literally there isn't enough this next month!
I've been doing sums:
the removers will be $300 plus, a bit less if I simply hire a van for one day;
I've just sent in a cheque for $1250 premiums for health insurance to the end of September;
the extra rent will be $521
That's $2000 more than usual- i guess anyone would be a bit flummoxed...
I just went to the bank and took the money from my son's account for a game he had last week, closed a savings account I forgot about with $220 in it and paid in a work cheque and cash from around the house, so my current account is fine for any more cheques I have to cover until Sept 1.
Be careful signing up for payments though- I told you about my recent issue with my bank where I'd given someone authorisation and basically the only thing i could do to cancel it was close and re-open my account! I thought the teller was messing with me but it's quite common apparently.
It's made me want to change accounts, except they are so good with me because I've been going there for ages, they gave me a credit card when no one else would because I had no social security number!
Economically, I fear the time when she is gone, when all house expenses including mortgage will be mine.
will you be able to sell up Hops, liquidate some of the assets?
You will need, as others have said, to sit down and make a list of absolute essentials, and scrub everything else, and that sounds depressing, but I actually found it quite creative, after a while!
okay Janet, creative it is! I think I am accepting that I will have to cover my Visa bill over two or three months especially if anything else happens....
I have no cable, the only things I can cut now are the gym, eating out, socialising and buying books. I think those will save me an average $250 though.
I have piles of books to go at, and there's more at ex's, and he has cable, I guess I could video movies here if I wanted to.
There's comedy channel 39 with Friends and Sex in the City and Will and Grace and stuff if I really want to watch TV!
And plenty of work to do frankly.
I have a lot of food in which we got for hurricane season.
I know it could be much worse too, that's what i meant GS not that I don't matter just- I could also be struggling for my son. At least ex covers any expenses he needs, and can easily afford to.
Maybe it's all a lesson in me being more appreciative and careful?
Thanks for all your wonderful ideas and support, i really feel much better now I've tackled it mentally.
It's not the end of the world ( that's next week....just kidding I hope :) )
-
Write,
Here's some 'creative' solutons to :
" the only things I can cut now"
- the gym,
-eating out,
-socialising
-and buying books.
Walking and running is free. Running up and down the stairs is still free, if it isn't safe to run in your neighbourhood (I don't know where you live, but sometimes it's not safe for women to exercise free from hassle in the street). Get one of those indoor trampoliny things? Very cheap on eBay, because nobody uses them for long!
Eating out can cost a fortune. Cookery books from the library are free, then invite people to your house for dinner, then they have to invite you back! Have themed evenings. Ground rules are that no-one spends over a certain pre-agreed limit, to stop 'showing off'.
Socialising. Do you mean drinking? Can't help you there, as I'm one of those boring people who don't drink. :) If its theatre or cinema, then allocate money for, say, one trip out per fortnight, so that you choose carefully - you don't have to wear a hair shirt ALL the time while you're saving money.
Buying books. Hmmm, my weakness too. But libraries are chock full of the things, and it's usually free (unless you keep them for months by mistake, believing they've become yours just because you like them so much). Swap books with friends, too, possibly?
Challenge yourself about how much you can save on little things. Have tins or jars for small change - I used to put every pound coin I got in change in a china piggy bank, and REFUSE to count them up till it was full - I was amazed when I eventually did, because it paid for an electricity bill!
I'm sure you'll manage, because you've already bothered to work out that things ARE tight at the moment. It's when your head's in the sand that things can get nasty. It'll pass, honestly!
Janet
-
Socialising. Do you mean drinking?
no, fortunately I gave up drinking a long time ago :)
But socialising is one of my expenses, and something I wrote about here a few weeks ago when a birthday party cost me almost $100!
You wouldn't credit it Janet, being in the UK where it isn't socially acceptable to invite someone to a celebration they have to pay for unless it's to raise money for charity or something.
I have to be careful here because people assume you don't count the cost and sometimes that can be a lot.
Next weekend I have theatre tickets with a church group, I can arrange to meet them there.
People don't want to here 'I can't afford it' though so I'll just say I'm working, which is also true.
Last night I told an aquaintence who asked that i was worried about money she said 'you should say I had a great week...'
Really?!
The biggest thing I think in my mind which is negative is ex told me I shouldn't divorce him because of the increased costs and I decided it was the best thing to do anyway.
I don't want him to be right on this one!
Anyway, what's done is done....
btw Janet eating out is really cheap here compared to UK, I can drink water and pay just $7 for all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet ( three pounds fifty- you probably can't get fish and chips for that any more? )
It's a slippery slope though, you always end up spending more than budgeted for.
I'm sure I'll be fine, it'll just be a tight few weeks.
-
Write,
It IS becoming a bit more commonplace in the UK to invite people to things and expect them to pay....but I'm afraid I'm blunt enough to say 'I don't want to do that, thanks', and not go.
Me and my husband were invited to a weekend party by his neice and her husband, to celebrate five years of her marriage,where the 'events' on offer were a visit to a brewery (we're tee total, as I said before), and a barbecue (we're vegetarian, so find most barbecues distasteful).
Oh, the other thing...we're in England, and his neice lives in Australia!!!
And the invitation said 'if you can't make it, please buy us a present from this list'!!
We just thought that was cheeky. :shock:
IMO, I think your acquaintance is wrong to expect you to lie about how your reality is....we've had years of that already, if we're N survivors - why should we continue it in our adult lives, just to make other people feel more comfortable?
I hope things sort out for you, Write. It's just a tight few months, hopefully.
Janet
-
wow that's a complex website S & S, I've read some jokes, some posts about relgion, nothing about stocks or gold yet! Thank you.
please buy us a present from this list'!!
oh how I hate those present lists, I've always loved coming up with original gifts and hate someone telling me what i should be getting.
It's different I suppose for a young couple just starting out and they want some basics, but most people aren't in that category I've had to buy for and I just ignored their list and did my own thing anyway.
your acquaintance is wrong to expect you to lie about how your reality is
very very common though....'have a nice day' still makes me think 'like you give a cr*p....' :lol:
-
Write,
I hate the 'have a nice day' thing, too. It's like when waitresses say 'ENJOY!!' as you're food's put on the table when they really would prefer it if you'd just give them the money and go straight home instead.
I'm afraid that, when I am out, if I get accosted by one of those awful people in the street who think it's their life's mission to tell everyone they must 'SMILE!' or 'CHEER UP!!', I tend to say to them 'Why? My mother's just died.'
She look on their face is wonderful. They look so shocked, as if there CAN'T be any other reason than you can't be bothered to go round with an inane grin on your face.
Unfortunately, I can feel very happy inside :D , but still look morose on the outside :( - untoned facial muscles, I call it.
Janet
-
- untoned facial muscles, I call it.
here's some exercises Janet!
:) :D :lol: :) :D :lol: :) :D :lol: :) :D :lol:
:roll: :? :roll: :? :roll: :? :roll:
and relax.... 8)
I am quite a happy person and smile all the time, I just don't like other people's expectations taking me over.
The service is much better here than in the UK and I expect it now, and tip well, but that's superficial and not a level of communication I want to have with my friends.
I won't tell that friend again next time I have a problem...I know she's had it very hard at times and now she feels everyone else should just pull themselves together like she had to!
-
Write-
Are you sure that you aren't some sort of soothsayer who knew that I needed to see this thread?? I have been off balance of late- my NH took our savings in the beginning of the year, he recently left, etc, and this has caused $$$ havoc. I also decided to go through with starting law school. So far I have no student loans , from law school or undergrad.,etc. - I have been paying the tuition payments, etc. Yesterday, I didn't have access to a penny.... my ATM wouldn't work, and I scrounged for change (yes, Write, I was thinking of you, and telling myself "No Changin, you are not BAD"). I figured that I had miscalculated- it turns out that new cards were sent, so the old ones didn't work. I took the old ones out, they worked, and I was quite relieved.
Today I got a flat tire- I don't know how I will get to school tomorrow, but I will think of something. The tire is going to be another added expense. I have tried to get rid of extras- no cable TV, etc but have yet to make sense of the many changes and unknown expenses. Also, I got another letter from my NH ; now he is asking for $31K that I "owe" him ( he has several times that amount- he wants me to pay back what was spent for expenses, last year, etc) and he wants his suits and his guns! I don't want to see him, and hate to pay good $ to send his suits, and his guns were taken away by order of his psychiatrist- I think that I would incur liability if anything were to happen after I returned his guns. he doesn't want me to send his guns to his new psych or his lawyer,a it could cause a problem for him in a potentially lucrative lawsuit. I am so tired and I don't want to think about NH right now, especially about $$$.
Like you, I need to do the best that I can in setting up a budget, and adjust when things change (or a new challenge rear its ugly head!) , until the situation settles down. This thread helped me a lot, though, Dear Writer! Oh, and Janet, I hate it as well when waiters or waitresses say "Are you still WORKING on that?" while I am eating. Working on that??? Your devilish responses to people's nervewracking questions seem like a fantastic new way to function in society!
Love to all,
Changing
-
Oooh, Changing, do you think I'm devilish??
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
My mother would be so pleased to know she'd been proved right!
Janet
-
Janet-
That's devilish in delightfully devilish, as in devil's food cake. I actually think that you are divine!!! And divinely funny!
Best to you Sweetie!
Changing
-
Changing,
Oh, what a lovely analogy! Like devil's food cake. I'll have to remember that one!
Janet
-
(drumroll.....)
I paid Ma's bills last night, stared at mine, and added up total debt.
It's worse than I thought but it's (uhhh, where's the silver lining)...motivating!
Main point here is that I am very grateful again to this board and everyone on it.
I KNOW that the reason the phobic thing loosened its grip was that I had written here about it with no varnish and no gloss. Shame and all. And asked myself why I should be exempt from the ordinary responsibility of managing my life like every other adult.
It was the next morning, early, that I began to see the first square foot of paperwork in a new way, and wound up getting started.
Thank you xxoo
Hops
-
Gee changing I certainly hope you will be telling your ex "NO" and perhaps an additional "get bent" which also can be expressed as "speak to my lawyer." I've read your posts about him and it would satisfy me a lot of he was involved in a freak accident with a garbage scow. However did he ingratiate himself with you in the first place? You are pretty darn wonderful and lovely.
((((Hops!)))) Excellent!
-
I agree,Iphi, Changing has the sweetest spirit and vitality that rise out from her words. Changing, I often , think of you and it inspires me Love Ami
-
Dear Changing,
just ignore ex's demands for money; you can't give him what you don't have.
If he pesters you about the guns and it's practical tell him you can hand them to his psych or lawyer in response to a letter from them stating they will accept responsibility for them. I doubt they will be impressed to hear he's trying to get them.
Keep all letters/emails, and any responses you make. Keep everything unemotional and factual.
Otherwise as you say put him out of your head.
I'm really impressed you're going to college!
Hope you got the tyre sorted.
Dear hops
well done for doing the bills.
It's best to have an idea where you're at, even if you were dreading it.
MONEY is symbolic of so much:
self-worth
anxiety
power
change
pain
anger
love even....
and for most of us it's been used against us often in all these ways too, no wonder we have to unravel so much around it.
~W
-
Write.....
For those facial exercises to work, do I have to have a yellow face and no hair?? :?
Just a thought...
Janet
-
Are you saying you have a yellow face and no hair Janet? Because I'm okay with that.
Or maybe those particular exercises would cause it..... :lol:
Hmmm, well I wasted the whole afternoon and that's what I'm going to think about tonight, the emotions around procrastination.
What am I putting off and why....
I'll start a thread tomorrow when my thoughts feel more coherent.
~W
-
You are Right Write!
As I was dragging my heavy law books and computer in the broiling sun near my NH's precious Starbucks (and I think his new flame's workplace) with my cane, my hair beginning to creep out of its neat bun into a hideous mess, my odd clothes rumpled and sticky, my dodgy foot swelling and throbbing, and my face- well you don't even want to know what was going on there! I had an epiphany- I could no longer grant appeasements to the "greedy spoiler" ( in political science, a cowardly party who interferes in a peace process in order to exact gains when it appears that there would be no down side in a cost benefit analysis) who is my NH- he will not keep his agreements, anyway,just like any other greedy spoiler, but will simply see what I give him as a sign of weakness, and pressure me for more. Somehow, I am expected to keep his secrets and expose myself to liability in order to protect his lawsuit ( that I assisted him with from the onset)? Uh-Uuuuuuhhh!
I will send no money (he actually said that he was shocked that we have debt...AW GEEE). I guess I should send him all of my retirement funds, and trust that he will keep his word about the house. HA HA. And the guns- if I tell him the thing about the lawyer he will freak out, because he wouldn't want his lawyer to know that we are separated even ( stupid, huh), and certainly nothing about the guns. I think I will send him a suit or two, though. (Lawsuits? Divorce papers?) I'm feeling especially generous (NOT, but really he is entitled to his things, and I'd rather he not bother me here). How should I do this? Has anyone ever mailed jackets, pants, etc?
Thank you,
Changing
-
Has anyone ever mailed jackets, pants, etc?
I can help, Changing!
What you do is get a big cardboard cutout of somebody like Bruce Willis from a cinema employee after the movie's finished its run and then you put the pants on it--those things are skinny, you can pile them on top of each other--and then the jackets layered on top, plenty of room, and then you peel up the cuffs of each pair of pants and squirt a good ribbon of wood glue in each leg, don't want them falling off in transit or anything, and then you open up each layer of jacket by the lapels and just kind of run the wood glue up and down each side, wave it back and forth really well so you'll get good coverage, and then pat them all down nice and smooth to keep them from wrinkling, give the whole thing a good up-and-down shake and tap so it'll all settle nicely, and then get a big roll of duct tape and start wrapping at the feet and just keep on wrapping, people really appreciate careful packaging these days, wrapwrapwrap, until you're right under Bruce's chin, and then take a nice big black permanent marker and write your N's name and address across Bruce's bald head and down his face and finish up with the zip code right above his smirk.
Hops
-
Hopalong, Her Royal Hop Highness,
As always, Hoppy, you have fashioned the ultimate answer to my dilemma! Thank you for the laugh, it is a salutory experience when one awakens from a semi comatose state!
Love,
Changing
-
Changing,
Being a devilish sort of person :twisted: , when I split up with my NBoyfriend, he didn't bother to clear out the last of his clothes, and expected to come into the house once I had bought him out (when HE wanted to, not when it was convenient for me) to collect his stuff.
So I pre-empted him.
I put his clothes into the boot of my car, drove to his mother's (that's where he'd retreated to - aah, bless!!), and tipped them all over the wall, one at at a time, onto the dirt of their front garden, which was full of roses.
It was so gratifying to see his flashy suit, and white shoes (yes, white, he was such a poser) landing in the dirt.
And what made it better, was that their neighbour was gardening at the time, and watched the whole thing, with his mouth open.
You might not be able to do exactly this kind of thing, but women's revenge is WONDERFUL!!!
Janet
-
Thank you Miss Janet for your infernal advice! And after my divorce, I shall need your help in the heavenly romances department as well ( I still think that the story of your marriage would make a great movie)! Now back to my bills and budget...
Love from across the Pond,
Changing
-
I imagine clothing packs for mailing better when shredded....
white shoes
shocking :shock:
heavenly romances department
no white shoes though please.... :)
Now back to my bills and budget...
Okay back to money considerations!
I've cancelled the gym membership which will save $54 a month.
Dad sent me $100 for my birthday which is timely and quite pleasant because there are no strings attached!
Ex wants to buy me the washer-dryer for the new place but I will say my heart sank when yesterday he said he wants us to go shopping for it....sort-of like we were married maybe? I'd find the outing quite reminiscint and depressing and will try to talk him out of it.
You'd laugh at me shopping with my coupons today, I got so much for $43 ( over $10 of coupons! )
I've still got to get laundry detergent and then there will be gas and fresh produce for the rest of the month but I should be fine.
I went through my bathroom closet and pulled out shampoo and conditioner and things I never even knew I had, sometimes you can have quite a makeover with stuff you forgot about!
Next I have to decide whether tp book movers or to do it myself....I'll compare the costs first.
~W
-
Bravo, Write, and thank you for inspiring me!
This morning I called the credit card company and negotiated the rate 2 points lower.
That felt great.
I also am filling up the white board I bought and entering each new (lower) amount as I pay it.
And I moved a chair and set up a new "paperwork corner" which has helped a lot too.
You, GS, and others who have shared the struggles and strategies have helped me so much.
And I see up above is a thread on procrastination...see you there!
love
Hops
-
This morning I called the credit card company and negotiated the rate 2 points lower.
That felt great.
I also am filling up the white board I bought and entering each new (lower) amount as I pay it.
people have said that making something concrete helps pin down practicality and I think it's true.
Money is such an important thing because attach to it too much and it's hard to feel content and secure, detach totally and it's constant anxiety and not knowing....
I'm simplifying too Hops, at the end of September I will add up anything I owe and probably get extra work until it's paid.
I haven't booked the SF trip, can't make my mind up about that.
And I'm not going to Goddard next year- I will have to take a year out from that, which is disappointing, but I have enrolled in a certificate course, I have done a certificate in 205 and 2006 too, so i can show my continued education. this one is in end-of-life care, which is very relevant to my work.
I'm disappointed I can't do what I'd really like, but not prepared to go into thousands of pounds of debt right now either. Once I know I can manage a basic busget maybe I'll regain confidence.
The truth is I am still dependent on alimony too much though- and don't trust ex enough, plus he has a way of announcing huge changes to throw me off-balance....
I do feel I turned a corner though- not drifting, I have made some decisions today.
~W