Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: NoMoreMindGames on August 20, 2007, 01:37:00 PM
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actually, it's probably a really bad idea...not sure. what do you think?
my xN boyfriend i believe recently broke up with his most recent girlfriend, someone who is 12 years younger than him.
recently, her myspace profile was deleted. if you search for her, his (xN's) flickr page comes up with 1700 photos of her (and him) he uploaded over two days in april......and what's really creepy is that the very first photo in the series is of a tombstone with her name on it, and he has changed his flickr name to "for the memory of [girlfriend's name]", as if she's dead.
and back in march, her flickr shows her with a black eye. she explains that "a TV set hit me in the face and i flew backward down the stairs". what i'm wondering is how exactly that TV set managed to hit her in the face??
what i'm wondering is if i should contact her? just tell her if she'd like support or to share her stories at all, i'd like to listen.
but i don't know if i'm just being selfish. i mean, if i do contact her, it'd be pretty obvious i was searching for her...it would show my own nosiness to her, i guess. most likely she'll rebuff my attempts to contact her. but then again, maybe she'd want to hear my stories?
what do you think?
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I've never been in a comparable situation - so please take my thoughts with a big grain of salt.
I say - why not? If she needs to talk, can you be a supportive listener? There's no past drama between you two? She might need moral support, sounds like. And if she says 'no' then okay, you made the offer.
Hopefully others who have more experience can offer some words of wisdom.
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If I were going to contact her it would be for only one reason; that tombstone might mean something other than he considers her already dead. If he hit her with a TV set and knocked her down a flight of stairs that tombstone might have a more literal meaning.
mud
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:shock:
Excellent point
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you're totally right about that...it seems very threatening to me. he never did get physically violent with me, but he did tell me during fights that he felt like hitting me.
yeah...i know she might view me as the enemy. god only knows what xN has told her about me. but i guess it couldn't really hurt to try either. if she says "no", that's totally understandable. i guess, for me, it might be a good way to validate what i went through with him...and for her, too. and, if he is a threat to her life/health/sanity, it would be good for her to know about that tombstone photo, in case she doesn't already.
thanks guys.
NMMG
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Dear NMMG,
I am not sure if I understand totally, BUT I think that he is dangerous. I think that you should NOT insert yourself in to this situation in any way.
I wish that there was some way that she could get help. The "tombstone' is really scary. She needs some help.
I just don't think that it should be you, though. You were really freaked out a while back when you thought that he was messing with your computer. If you are OFF his radar screen-- don't go back on(IMO).
If there was a way that you could help her anonymously, I would do it love Ami
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yes, i feel he could be dangerous, too. however, he does live in NY, and i live on the west coast...and he doesn't have any money. so him being able to physically do anything isn't too likely.
i did contact her. i hope i don't regret it. i feel bad for her, especially if that TV was thrown by the xN and she's still covering it up for him. and i feel concerned for her, too. i wonder if she could report that as harassment to the feds? i mean, there's literally like 1700 photos of her (and her and him), with that tombstone (and this other photo right next to the tombstone with these big words that say "HOW FAR WILL YOU GO TO KEEP A SECRET?). all very threatening...and she's so young, too.
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so she replied....she said it was a "huge relief" that i contacted her...she is composing a longer message to me now. whew. i'm glad that door has been opened now. i hope i can help her, and she me.
also, it appears she's moved to the west coast, too, the same town as me. how weird is that? that's good, bc that means he doesn't have easy access to her, either.
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Hi NMMG,
I'm glad you've done it too--I know it was a risk. You will have saved her in more ways than you know. Validation from another woman who's known the same man can be so empowering. She's likely been thinking it was her problem, "if only I didn't make him angry", etc.
For your own protection, though (and hers)--please do make certain that she understands how to keep whatever she writes to you on the computer private!
hugs
Hops
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Hi NMMG,
I'm glad you've done it too--I know it was a risk. You will have saved her in more ways than you know. Validation from another woman who's known the same man can be so empowering. She's likely been thinking it was her problem, "if only I didn't make him angry", etc.
For your own protection, though (and hers)--please do make certain that she understands how to keep whatever she writes to you on the computer private!
hugs
Hops
yes, i'll have to double-check and make sure he doesn't know her passwords (or couldn't guess them). thanks.
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Just another thought, hopefully they don't get back together again.
I know my N kept trying to reconcile the relationship w/ me long after it was all over.
This did not stop him from maligning me to women he slept w/ on the side.
I spoke to his ex-wife, thinking that we were both victims and I and she could help each other.
She sweet talked me, plied me for information and then turned on me -- turns out she was just as sick as he was.
I suffered a lot because of that.
If he was to sweet talk her and they reconciled and she betrayed your confidence . . . well, let's hope for the best.
yes, you're absolutely right about that. i gave this girl my old email address. i will be extremely careful about what i tell her about myself. but it looks like she has a new boyfriend now. hopefully she won't be returning to the N. ugh.
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My thoughts are that its best for you to keep out of your ex-N's affairs completely, NMMG. At least for a long while. I think your surface intentions are good, but it sounds like there is part of you that hasn't let go, and is still reaching out for the drama and connection with your ex. I think if you had really moved on, you would have no interest in your ex's affairs at all, let alone getting involved in his dramas. What your post says to me, is that you need more time to properly heal, and perhaps some support to properly focus on healing your own life. There is lot to mend, after a relationship with an N.
I wish well wit this.
X Bella
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thanks bella...i think you are right about this. it's hard to heal when the person is still trying to harass and stalk you. i am glad i contacted her, though. she has told me that he has made underhanded death threats to her, has sent sexual photos of her and him to her father and blackmailed her father with them, has alienated almost all of their mutual friends, has sent her via email photos of dead animals, etc. she asked me if i seriously thought he was capable of doing physical harm to her or her loved ones, and i told her "yes" and to take any threat he makes very seriously...i encouraged her to go to the police and follow their advice. i encouraged her to move away from that city (she still lives there, and he knows where she lives), to get a dog, pepper spray, alarm system in her home, take self-defense classes, and maybe get a gun for self-defense. it sounds to me like she wasn't totally taking his threats seriously, so i'm glad i did contact her.
but you're right. i think i need to step back now. i've pointed her to some helpful websites with information on all of this stuff. it's really up to her now to do what she needs to do to protect herself.
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I can totally relate NMMG; my ex harrassed and stalked me for over a year after we broke up, and it was basically impossible to break the connection I had to him. He was still in my thoughts, I was always worried about him caling or dropping by when I was still so vulnerable and in that `black hole' of aloneness and low self confidence. I wasn't really moving forward during that period, but i was trying. I think I was just too consumed with fear and worry about seeing him, and worrying about how he could undermine my independance.
I really think they know , either from intuition or experience, that if they harrass and stalk you, the `letting go' and `moving on' procesess for you are monumentally difficult.
But anyway, It was really nice of you to help his ex out. I'm sure you did some good there. Sadly, he will will have many such ex's and cause a lot of drama throughout his life. Your heart is in the right place, but do you think it could be bad for you to clean up his messes for him? It is noble, but it still keeps your thoughts on him, which is something that I feel is bad for your recovery.
Love to you! I am so sorry that a man you cared about turned out to be so violent and dangerous for you, as well as others. Its quite shocking isn't it? To think you once trusted him with your innermost feelings and your body? I hope that over time you find a way to make yourself uncontactable. It will be such a relief!
X bella
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thank you for your support and understanding, bella.
i think ironically, contacting her was a big step for me in my healing process. although it truly helps to commiserate with others who have suffered through similar things, such as on this board, it feels infinitely more validating to actually speak with another woman who has suffered at the hands of the same man. although i knew in my mind, logically, that i wasn't imagining things, that it wasn't my fault, that i wasn't being paranoid, i now feel these things in my heart....my whole person now is convinced.
also, honestly, i don't feel like i'm "cleaning up his messes" by trying to help his ex, because i'm more trying to help her (not him at all). if i hadn't contacted her to try to help and let her suffer through alone....well, i couldn't imagine not helping her.
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NMMG,
I think you handled things just right. This gal sounded pretty naive. There is little chance he will act on his indirect threats, but the headstone reference and the dead animal pictures are both common precursors to many actual violent acts. Sounds like she needed somebody to wake her up.
mud
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thank you for your support and understanding, bella.
i think ironically, contacting her was a big step for me in my healing process. although it truly helps to commiserate with others who have suffered through similar things, such as on this board, it feels infinitely more validating to actually speak with another woman who has suffered at the hands of the same man. although i knew in my mind, logically, that i wasn't imagining things, that it wasn't my fault, that i wasn't being paranoid, i now feel these things in my heart....my whole person now is convinced.
also, honestly, i don't feel like i'm "cleaning up his messes" by trying to help his ex, because i'm more trying to help her (not him at all). if i hadn't contacted her to try to help and let her suffer through alone....well, i couldn't imagine not helping her.
Yes, I agree that this was a noble act. The process I worry more about is you `keeping tabs' on him, and digging into his affairs so that you can find his ex's to help. Thats the part that I feel would not be good for you over the long run. I am glad that you found a sense of validation from this experience though.
X Bella
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yes, you're right bella. i didn't used to do this, and i question my motives now.....for a few years after we broke up, i never looked him up online. but the stalking and weird online things kept happening. i feel a big part of the reason for my continuing to try to check into him online is because i'd rather keep tabs on what he's up to than not...that way i'm not so surprised the next time my account is hacked into, or the next time he finds some way to bypass all of the online blocks i have in place in order to tell me he might be able to send my stuff to me again.
for instance, because i saw that his most recent ex-girlfriend's myspace profile disappeared, and that he'd changed his status to "single", i then knew i could expect some sort of harassment/cyberstalking incident to happen to me. sure enough, i once again began to be stalked online, most likely by the xN. i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from. so, i guess it's my way of steeling myself emotionally and psychologically, so i'm not always surprised when stuff happens.
i've read recently that women who are the victims of stalkers will continue to be "nice" to their stalker in order to maintain the peace and to know the whereabouts and actions of the stalker...better safe than dead, i suppose. i, too, tried being "nice" and maintaining a "friendly" relationship with xN online, but he's so toxic and so nasty, i just couldn't do it. so, instead, i just peek at his profiles every now and again, and am vigilant about keeping him blocked, changing my passwords, being very careful who i get to know online, etc.
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i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from.
Why can't you make it impossible (or as impossible as anything can be) for him to find you online?
mud
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i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from.
Why can't you make it impossible (or as impossible as anything can be) for him to find you online?
mud
well, that's why i've deleted my personal myspace profile (not my band's, but have blocked him from contacting my band), my friendster profile, my livejournal profile, and changed my email address. however, my husband is quite easy to find online, as he's deeply involved with the music and photography scene in our town, and he refuses to "hide" from my xN. so, by proxy, xN can track me. the last time he was able to contact me, it was via my husband's band's old email address that they hardly ever checked (i never checked it, was just told by husband's bandmate that xN was trying to email me on there).
as far as someone hacking into my myspace goes....i don't feel i have a lot of control over that, since my password was something i didn''t think anyone could guess. the only thing i COULD do was delete the profile, which is what i did. i thought i'd covered all the bases, with a really complicated password, a Mac computer, and had made my profile "private"...was really careful about not accepting friend requests from people i didn't know, etc. but i think if someone really wants to stalk someone else, they'll find a way. i mean, i've made my phone numbers private and unlisted, but since i had a job for a while that required me to advertise myself and my business, he would have been able to gain access to my (now old) email address and current phone number.
i feel kind of like people here are blaming me for this person's behavior...i feel like i have to defend myself. it's not exactly fair that i'm having to delete and censor myself constantly in order to avoid this psycho 8 years after breaking up. trust me, i'd much rather forget about him entirely and move on, which is what i'm trying to do. it's not my fault this guy is as psycho as he is.
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No need to defend yourself to me. I was just curious as to why you couldn't start over with a clean slate online.
My only concern is that this guy sounds like a real psycho and a potentially violent nutjob.
It's certainly not your fault he's a psycho and it's certainly not fair that you have to protect yourself but neither is there anything wrong with taking extra precautions when dealing with a violent nut.
mud
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Dear Mud,
It is so refreshing for a person to be NON politically correct . You should run for President. Ami
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I hope I didn't come across as blaming you for your ex's actions, NMMG. I just feel that there is a great amount of empowerment to be gained from totally embracing the `no contact' rule . I can see that you've done a lot to try to have no contact with him, except for this last incident, where you have deliberately become involved in his affairs.
I feel that you haven't done anything `wrong' ; thats not the issue at all. I'm just suggesting that digging into your ex's affairs and getting involved with them are actions which do not fit in with the `no contact' rule, and therefore are not really helping you forget him, or helping with resolving your stalking problem. If anything, those actions would potentially inflame the stalking, because your contact with his ex, if he learned of it, would demonstrate to him that you are still `his audience' and therefore NS. Does that better explain what I mean?
I am left wondering what NS is your ex gaining from you, that has kept him stalking you for 8 years? Are his attempts to contact you met with a response, or do you totally ignore him? Do you ever respond to emails, phone calls, anything like that? Also, if your husband's contact details are your ex's means for contacting you, do you necessarily have to respond to that contact? Would your hubby be willing to be your buffer?
I'm not accusing you of anything; just wondering what the situation is exactly.
X bella
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hi bella, and everyone,
you know, it's really funny...i was just doing my yoga-type exercises, when i felt this sudden releasing of all of this stuff....i felt like "i don't need to concern myself with him, even if he is stalking me...so what? what can he do to me, really? i'm free to focus on the positive things in my life, the things that matter...like the fact i'm pregnant, i have a wonderful husband, i have a great life RIGHT NOW!" these were the thought i suddenly found myself thinking, and embracing. it was almost as if i SAW that bad energy drift away from me. very weird. and cool.
no more contact, or "n-dipping"...no more. i think i was just trying to be in control of the situation (something i have a problem with, coming from an alcoholic family and all). but i don't have control past a certain point, and i need to just accept that. i did all i could to help his ex girlfriend, and i don't regret that.............and no more brooding or wallowing...as such, i think i'll take a break for a while from here. need to clear my head of the negativity and embrace the positive.
thank you everyone for your advice and concern....i may be back when i feel like i won't be triggered back into the anxiety and brooding. maybe i can help someone else.
love,
NMMG