Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: tayana on November 01, 2007, 09:20:37 AM
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Today is the three week mark of no contact with my mother. I told my T that I was happier than I'd ever been since I don't have to talk to her. I don't know that that's entirely true, but I"m definitely more relaxed than ever. If I could just control the fears that she's going to call, send a letter, or show up unannounced, I'd probably be in better shape. The medicine my doctor gave me helps with the anxiety some, but it makes me really tired too.
I have this horrible fear that my mom will try to pick M up without my knowledge, even though I'm sure the daycare or the school won't allow that. I still worry.
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Dear Tayana,
It IS really, really hard. There is no way to extricate yourself( emotionally or physically) from your type of M and NOT have it be painstaking. I am so sorry. You are such a talented and insightful person. ANY "normal" M would be happy to have you. None of this is your fault.
You were just "drowning"in the "rapids'(N mother) and you are trying to "live", THAT is your "crime". Love to You Ami
(((((((((((((((((((Tayana )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Ami, thank you. IT is very hard. I told my friend the other day, that I'm just going to have to make a new family and she could be part of it.
I'm sort of hoping NC carries on through the holidays. I might enjoy them for a change. I'm supposed to go to my brother's for Thanksgiving, and I"m hoping that my parents won't be there.
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Tayana,
I don't know your whole story, but your sharing here is very familiar to me.
I suffered many years trying to do the right thing with my mother. I know now that I never knew her motives since I could not think like her.
I grew to feel like I hated her. She was out to destroy me in her jealousy. I always knew it but kept denying my self to fit in with the "family."
Now, in her 80's I can see the progression of the past behaviors and where our relationship was headed. I had tried for years to have boundaries with her. And I did. Then whent my 2 girls grew upShe went for my children and sucked them in. They are grown women now and they are still under her spell.
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BR,
I've told my T many times that I feel very guilty because I don't really love my mother. I want to love her, but what I feel for her isn't really hate, it's more like pure apathy. I feel guilty because I often wish she would get on with the business of dying, since she wants to so much. I don't want to end up being stuck taking care of her. I once came up with this idea for a book called, "My mother's dead and now I'm free."
I was raised with the belief that family is all you've got. My mother would always tell me I couldn't have lifelong friends because situations change and then you lose contact and you just grow apart. While that did happen with some people, there are others that I've had a realtionship with for years. Moving out of my parents' home and into my own place has been seen as a betrayal of family. I dared to give a name to my situation, calling it abuse. I dared to tell my mother she had hurt me, of course, she twisted it around so that she was the victim. In the four months since I've moved, she's told me that I'm just ripping our family apart, accused me of keeping her away from my son, and all manner of other things. That sense of hatred and dislike has only grown over the past few months. At least with NC, I feel like I can be myself.
My story is over on the stories thread if you want to read it. I've been going to update it, but I haven't yet.
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Dear (((( Tayana ))))
Know only too well the difficulties.
Keep staying strong.
Thinking of you.
Love, Leah
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Thanks for the support Leah. (((((hugs to you too)))))
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I am cheering for you. tayana. Sounds like the holiday will be fun with your brother. I am glad you have him in your support circle. I hope you parents aren't there either. But even if they are there, you can handle it. You are WOMAN! Nothing can touch you!!! (caveman ugh!) ::wink::
Love, poppy
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Pops, see I'm not sure I can handle seeing my parents. The thought terrifies me. Isn't that awful to be so terrified of your parents that the thought of seeing them starts a panic attack.
I am looking forward to spending the holiday with my brother though.
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It is ok! I get so afraid of my N relatives. I think that we have real reasons to be afraid. Until our boundaries are stronger. I haven't gone to any family things, because I am sure that I coudn't handle it. I think it is completely ok to state what we can and cannot do! So there to all the N's who say different. And also to that dumb guilt weak thought in my head.
My mil came over the other day. Tried a lot of her....how shall I say " communicating" with me. I was shaking inside hoping that I would be able to keep her outside of my head. She is the image in most of my PTSD stuff. In the days that followed, I literallly felt like I needed to so some sort of cleansing ritual to get her out of my house......and out of my thoughts. It has been a few days, and I am still trying to shake it. But, in my own defense, I stood my ground. I even think she was nervous cause her stuff wasn't working. I saw the fear!!! She grabbed her little tote bag and got outta there pretty fast. I had a little satisfied moment. More than anything, I am tired of being afraid. I have spent so many years being afraid and taking all these steps to protect myself. I am determined to stand tall being me.....even if I stand alone without validation and companionship. I think that you are standing tall. And I am gaining strength from watching your efforts. ( another holleroop yell just for that!)
Pops
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Oh, Pops. I am so afraid of my n mother. I always have been. I feel like I have to always been on guard around her.
In fact, she just called here. I saw the number come up for an outside line, and I let it go to voice mail. The person hung up. I know it was her, and for a minute I just sat here with my heart pounding because I was so afraid of talking to her. I know she's going to be nasty, and I don't want to hear it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops. I'm trying really hard.
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Dear Pops and Tayana,
I can tell you from "getting in the face " of an N(my M and also FIL). that they are REALLY cowards.If they sense strength, they will run. Strength is best when it is quiet and resolute. I told my FIL ONCE that I would never see him again if he did not treat me right. That one quiet ,strong statement lasted for the rest of the time that I knew him.. He never insulted or sniped me again.
Poppy.you had a BIG victory. The fact that she was afraid is very important.If you can quietly,but strongly get your power back, they may pick on s/one else.
You did great.Poppy.
Tayana, you can get strength from the board and any other resources that you have. You will have your chance to exercise it. Love Ami (((((((Tayana,Poppy,)
Compost what doesn't fit
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Tayana,
I don't know your whole story but reading this thread, I can relate.
My children are now grown and I can see now what was happening all those years with a nm.
I did not know what, but something was wrong and I knew it all the time. I could not keep my boundaries intact since I valued family and constantly tried to make it work.
I did not know then, but do now that my nm would become more and more the n she is, until finally now SHE has shut me out of her life.
As if I am the one that injured her. I stopped being a source of supplu and I came out of denial. She has my 2 daughters under her spell and has totally discarded me as I am in recovery and a stronger person now not living in her denial.
Take care of yourself and your child first. My nm didn't ever quit or get better. I have to remember that NC with her is the only way I can forgive her and let her go. As she has gotten older, her behaviors have intensified.
Working on stronger boundaries is very difficult but life saving (and sanity saving).
Thanks BR
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Br, my mom is th eone who actually intitiated NC. She didn't want to talk to me, and I've just let it go. It's been three weeks, and I really do feel better than I have for a long time. I don't feel sick all the time. My stomach problems have gotten much better. I'm not having headaches, although my medicine does make me tired.
My NM has gotten worse as she's gotten older too. She was always bad, but at least when she was younger she had her job and hobbies to keep her interested in other things. Now she doesn't have any hobbies, except TV, and she's a bitter woman who has nothing better to do that remind everyone else of her superiority.
I'm tired of living my life to please her, because there is no pleasing her. I'm not sure I can forgive her for the things she's done to me. Here's a link to my story: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5607.0 (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=5607.0)
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Tayana,
Maybe just give yourself some time to work through and to get stronger.
I went to a family reunion 3 weeks ago that I was not going to go to because of my mother and sister.
I did go and with all the good people there and the fun I had talking to cousins and relatives I love, my nm sat at her table and I was the one to speak to her. I was really okay and not feeling oppressed at all. She has to maintain a very composed people pleasing attitude around others.
Since then she has not bothered me. I know and she knows I am strong enough not to let her get to me anymore.
I am over the grief and I can even know she is sick and miserable and I am very grateful that I don't have to be her victim or miserable like her. She has my father under her complete control and I miss seeing him. But I pray for them and let them go.
Thanks BR
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Thanks BR. I'm working through all of the feelings and feeling the grief. I have a hard time with the fear.
The good news was that the person who called was my co-worker who was out for a funeral today, not my mom.
I feel so ridiculous, and it's awful being so paranoid that I won't answer my phone at work. My parents like to call me at work because they can talk to me here, then I get upset and they don't understand why. I almost panic when I see that outside number come up though. I need to start answering again, but I'm scared to.
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Tay,
I didn't finish reading here, so I don't know if someone suggested this, but can you ask the school NOT to let your mother pick up your son. It might make M feel better too. He may have the same fears as you - he may not tell you, but perhaps he also likes having NC. He may worry that she will come and he will not know what to do. Maybe I am off the mark... but it would still be good if you talked to them so you will always know where he is. You don't have to tell them the reason - just that you will be the only one picking him up and no one else is authorized to do so.
Love, Beth
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(((((((Tay)))))))
A warning and inspiration here to keep you strong...
Bets' story of her Nmother stealing and alienating her daughters (you are right to keep NC for M too, or only contact that you completely control -- as in supervise when youre ready -- and rare at that)...Moving plans???
Pops' triumph of the NMIL starting to act like a nervous rabbit because suddenly she just senses that this is not the old Pops any more, there is an adult woman, unafraid of her games, looking her right in the eye With Boundaries Showing.
The fear is just a feeling, and I promise you, it's way out of proportion. When you eventually do wind up speaking to your mother about something it wil be an anticlimax. One thing I used to do was when my mother would talk on the phone I'd time it for 30 seconds and spend half of them twirling the handset like a lariat...notiicing that her voice was tinnily coming out of the speaker but not hearing it. Now and then I'd pick it up, quickly say a bored-sounding "uh-huh" and then after the 30 seconds (TIMED... boundary for myself) was up, I'd pick it up again and say Got to go, will talk to you another time, Click.
Hops
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I agree, Hops. The first time I was terribly angry with my M and didn't talk to her for about a month, I expected some kind of blow-up. But the truth was, she didn't care. And she rambled on about her animals and whatever and I said, "uh-huh" and that was that. Telephone-wise, she has no power over me. Adn when I see her, she also has very little power over me now. And even if you talk to her now, you know what the game is - you don't have to buy into it. You are MUCH stronger now.
Love, Beth
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Dear Tayana,
I wanted to echo that the "power" that they have over us is really "smoke". I wrote to Poppy about my FIL.One day, I stood up to him.I didn't plan to. He was a horrible N. It just so happened on that day,I had dragged two infants down to visit them. I had just had a C-section and I was exhauseted. He started making 'picky ' comments at me. I was to tired to be my "normal" scared self so I picked myself up and calmly said that if he could not treat me right I would never see him again. For the rest of his life, he treated me with respect.
The N's are cowards. They see people in 2 categories: those they can pick on and those they can't. My M does not mess with my Aunt b/c my Aunt gets in her face and won't accept any abuse. My M stopped abusing my F b/c he won't take it. She stopped abusing me b/c I won't take it.
Tayana-----trust me on this. You can slowly ,slowly take your power back. I think that I have to go NC, now. However, for you, at this stage,you just need to slowly see her as "not so powerful"(IMO)
It will come. Don't worry if healing is not a "straight' line. It isn't(IME).
You will get your power back,in time. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))
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Beth, the school won't let anyone pick him up without a note of authorization from me. The daycare I don't know about. He got sick yesterday and they didn't call me because they didn't want to go through the menu at my work. I was not amused. I'm home today, and I guess I'll cancel my vacation next week, for at least one day because I don't have much time left.
Hops, I didn't have a good day yesterday. I feel better today. My anxiety levels went through the room, first with the call that I thought was my mom, and then M getting sick. Then I had parent conferences at school, and that was a bit of a strain too, since I had to leave M home. He was fine. He just watched TV, but I was the one who couldn't relax.
I'm working on the moving plans.
I don't know why I worry about seeing her so much because I know she's a sick, small woman. Her health is failing, and she really can't do anything to me now. I can probably see her without a problem, but I have a hard time letting go and letting things happen.
I'm working on the fear. I work on it with my T. I just try to keep it at managable levels.
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Hang in there Tay,
3 days must have been great, now 3 weeks greater, and before you know it 3 months and you will be feeling SO much better still, that you will triumph and then when 3 years comes--- you are well home free.
The paranoia is normal at this stage. Everytime I went out I looked over my shoulder. That passed as time went by and I was feeling better every day. At the beginning I couldn't believe it would happen, but it does.
keep on keeping on
xx
Izzy
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One foot, one day, one hour at a time...you're doing incredibly magnificently well, Tay.
It may be hard for you to perceive your progress because you're IN your life, but from
cyberspace, you're shooting up like a sunflower.
Suggestion: raise holy HELL and threaten legal consequences at the day care if they ever allow anyone other than you to pick up your son. In fact, give it to them in writing.
xo
Hops
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Thanks everyone.
Shunned, I never wrote the book, or even started it. Although I did write a story once about a mother who stole her daughter's identity.
Izzy, I'm glad the paranoia is normal, because it really scares me sometimes. It's not as bad as it was when I first went NC. So, it gets a little better everyday.
Hops, thanks so much. I'm not amused with the daycare, although they aren't supposed to let anyone but me pick him up. I will be livid if that happens. Although, I hear my mother's health has deteriorated even more, so she might not be up to such schemes right now. Apparently, her cancer may be back. When I heard about that I felt guilty for a few minutes, and I considered calling. Then I thought she'll just use that as a way of guilting me into visiting or into more contact, so I didn't call, just felt sorry for her for a few minutes then went on with my life.
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This is going to sound awful but... your mother may be telling people she has cancer again just to try to get control of you back, tay.
Hard to say but what a wicked way to live.... not knowing if someone is doing that to you or is sick or what... bc that's the kind of person they are.
I hate living with that kind of not knowing.
Did your brother tell you that or her doctor? Whatever your father and brother say has to be taken with a grain of salt.
In any case, I'm sorry you have to think about that now, ((tay.))
Hope you and M are doing OK.
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You helped to inspire me, Tayana. Today is day one of real NC for me. I am sorry to hear about your M(if it is true). Whatever she has, she has tried and is still trying to destroy you. They want to rub us out like a "cigarette butt.".Maybe they "can't help it.I don't know but the effect is the same. They are out to destroy us b/c only one "man can be standing".It will always be them.
Sorry for all the pain ,Tayana. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Tayana)))))))))))))))))
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Hi Tay,
I was thinking that if you make your intentions clear to the daycare there could be no "if that happens."
YOU are the mother, so all you have to do is TELL them: noone else, noone including his grandmother, picks him up without my approval, and you must get that from me personally.
Assertiveness practice.
xo
Hops
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Lighter, my brother told me about the cancer thing. My dad told him, and apparently no one knows the real story. There's a little part of me that thinks I should contact her, even though I know she's only going to spew poison at me. She's gotten nastier as she's gotten older, I think. I don't know if I should call or not. I don't want to. I really don't. I'm happier without her in my life, and M is angry that I won't let him go see her. I feel like I'm screwing something up here, and I don't know what it is.
Ami, I'm so glad I've inspired you. Thank you for your kind words
Bean, thanks for the kind words. I do feel somewhat stronger. I'm upset about some things, but at the same time, I'm not panicked about them, so maybe that trip up the psychiatrist's steps did me some good after all.
Hops, assertiveness, right. I remember that. Be more assertive.
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Tay..... I think your mother, father and brother all want you to contact her.
I think it's a mistake FOR YOU.
And certainly for M.
M may be angry but.... his longterm wellbeing is at stake and already compromised bc of the time he's spent with her, IMO.
It's your job to protect, teach and train up your child as best you can.
That usually inlcludes extended family member's support and guidance.
In your case...... it doesn't. Sad, but there it is.
Your parents are sick and do damage without having to think about it. She damages.... he follows it up with assurances that she's NOT doing damage...... it's you.... just keep subjecting yourself to her and all will be well.
Writing that made my stomach burn :evil:
It will be more peaceful for your father if you do as your mother directs you to, anyway.
Your father's grown. M's not. They're toxic. You can see some of the results every time you look at your child. She instilled fear and doubt in M's head.
Her job, as Grandma, was to seek out support and treatment, take him to therapists and try to help him with socialization.
What did she do? WHAT DID SHE DO, tay?
She did what she wanted to do, what was in HER best interest, what felt good for her. INSTEAD of what would have benefitted M. And she crowed about the sacrafices she made and the trouble you both were, even as she sat on her big keester and did very little..... while she tore him down and made him doubt... kept him from other children and filled his mind with fear for the world.
Is that a loving Grandmother's job in the life of a beloved autistic Grandchild's young life?
She kept M in the house with her while she sat around and told him what a messmaker he was. She didn't broaden his horizons, research treatments and seek out therapies and positive experiences for him with other children so he could develop social skills he otherwise will have trouble with.
She tried to talk you out of that lovely camp, over and over and over and over again.... going so far as to fill M's head with fear and imagined boogey men/child molesters behind every bush.
She kept you close, at hand, access to all your paperwork and took out credit in your name then went about spending like it was free money.... then looked at you like you were crazy when you called her on it.
Then she denied it after admitting it and let your credit swing.... let you swing. Your brother and father let you swing. They all let her do it.
It's what she does.
It's what they do.
That's crazy and if she has cancer again, I am truly sorry. I would not wish that on anyone and maybe you want her to know you would never wish it on her either...... because she's told you so many times that you must be happy when she's sick or dying. WHat a crock of ever loving bullshit, Tay.
Had she been a decent mother and grandmother, not good or great or decent but just good enough......
You'd be making that call. You'd be by her side. You'd be giving her support.
She wasn't good enough.... hell.... she was an emotional terrorist doing damage everywhere.
I know it looks crazy to read that. It feels quite crazy to write :shock: But it's true. And so very hard to believe, even when we know bc we saw it, heard it with our own eyes and ears.
Improbable that a mother would do those things to her own child, grandchild..... husband and self. She's sick, can't do any better, tay. She can't ::shrug:: or she would.
The fact that it's likely she's making up the cancer's return, to get a response out of you, is not only deeply disturbing.... it's pathologically evil and a clue as to what you should and shouldn't do regarding that phone call to her. IMO, of course.
You and M don't have to invite her hateful blaming shaming impossibly unbalanced reality back in. Your reality is improving. So is M's, as a natural by product.
I wouldn't invite that back in if I had a choice in the matter.
M has improved while away from her..... you see that. It doesn't matter that he's angry. Kids get angry when they can't skip school.... have alcohol or watch porn on the internet. But that doesn't keep us from making the correct decisions for their welfare, does it?
Cancer or no cancer...... she's manipulative and doens't care how her behavior affects you and M. She cares only for herself and that care involves tearing you and M down...... making you feel guilty and responsible for things she's doing herself. Now that's the epitomy of KER-A-ZY, IMO.
She can't be reasoned with.
It's like dealing with a zombie.... trying to chat him up and talk him out of wanting to eat your brain. Nothing will keep him from wanting to eat your brain and nothing will keep your mother from her agenda, which you're already too familiar with.
Holding M back from learning skills HE MUST HAVE in order to have the best life he can. What does that gain her?!??!?? And why would you allow it????? Now? She's had more than a fair shot at being involved in your lives.
She still hasn't fessed up to the credit card thing or taken responsibility for it. Do you doubt that? Would you invite that back into your lives? Why?
She's still trying to sabotage M's socialization and keep him bound up in her house as much as she can, not touching anything, feeling fearful and frustrated.... not sure why but feeling it just the same. She's well on her way to mystifying his life too, making him doubt his perceptions and Good Lord, Tay..... he doesn't need anymore mystery than he already has with the autism.
He needs help.
Not a crazy Grandmother undermining his very core bc she doesn't know how to DO anything else.
Sad but how many people have to be sacraficed to that?
And why M?!?!?!? You know better, now. This should be a very easy decision for you, I'm sorry it's not.
She made her bed. Ya. it's a very very sad one but..... you can't save her from herself, tay. Is that part of the problem, the sadness of giving up? Giving up hope, giving up on her, giving up on something better for yourself that includes her?
Now she's going to have to lie in that bed she's made.
Don't you see......? Even if you kept trying to save her..... she'd just pull you down with her. Intentions don't mean much at this point. The results the same, no matter.
No one would be saved.
Stop doubting and feeling guilt and wishing things were different.
She's shown you who she is...... time to believe her.
Feel empathy (from afar) but don't sacrafice yourself or M for one more minute.
Your brother knows you're NC, he knows why you're NC and yet he keeps telling you things about your mother: /
It doesn't help.
What part do you see yourself playing in all this, if the cancer really is back? Truly?
Is it that you are truly a loving devoted child and you want to go to her? Not going would mean she's right about all the things she's accused you of?
::throwing red flag on the field::
Bullshit.
You'll always be a good person, daughter, mother...... employee, pet owner.
That's who you are.
You'd be there for her if she wasn't so toxic that she throws you into a tail spin.
You need you too.
M needs you.
Just bc you're avoiding your mother..... doesn't mean you aren't a good child. You're a very good daughter, tay... much more patient and giving than you should have been, IMO.
You don't pick up the phone bc of her.... not bc you aren't a nice person. Lets get that one things straight, if nothing else from this way too long post, I'm about to end, btw.
And the end is this......
If things were different, you'd be there.
They aren't..... No hope they ever will be so make peace with it.
Now.... what's tay going to do for her family? For M and tay?
Is she going to do better?
Invite light and health and uplifting things?
Or is she going to keep picking up the phone...... getting draw back into the darkness of fear and doubt...... pain and dysfunction?
It's powerful stuff, not easy to shake off, as you've been experiencing.
You know better than anyone here, tay.......
I don't think you can have both, in other words.
Building a markedly better life for M and yourself..... and contact with your mother.
One must be sacraficed.
One makes a big squaking ruckus that touches/disturbs many lives, and they reach out too......
One would die quietly, with barely a whisper as it passed out of existence.
It's what your mother's counting on.... that you take the path of least resistance and give her her way.
Now......
know this.....
M
is
counting
on
you.
You already have the answers.
It's learning to live with it that's hard.
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Wow Lighter . . . I've read what you've wrote several times. I even let my friend read what you'd written.
You are right.
After sleeping on it, and I let myself sleep on the idea of calling her this morning, I don't want to contact her.
She'll only spew more poison. "I'm sick because of you. If you hadn't moved I wouldn't be like this."
She won't accept that I don't walk around with the big, bad cancer cells in my pocket and wait to throw them on her. Everything I do, I'm doing to hurt her, or at least that's her story. She's always the victim. My hurts and problems don't really matter to her. If they did, she would pick up the phone and call herself. I wouldn't have to be the one initiating contact. I did nothing wrong.
Even though I speak to my brother, I can't quite bring myself to completely trust him. I want to, but the trust just won't come. I always hold back. If I felt I could truly trust him, I would feel not shame or guilt coming out to him. He's not offering any solutions for me. He's trying to stay out of the middle. He's even told me that.
As far as M, I think he's angry because he wants his stuff, not so much that he wants to see his grandma.
And you are exactly right. My mother did nothing, absolutely nothing, to help M. The things I tried to do to help him, she refused to try or acknowledge. Instead she relied on punishment and shaming to get things accomplished. It just doesn't work. Now I have a real problem, and I'm not sure how to fix it.
This is an easy decision, Light, but living with it isn't easy.
My father always told me I'd regret this, but the truth is, I wish I'd done it sooner.
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Lighter,
You are a fire hose through fog.
Tayana,
Good for you.
If M really needs his stuff, and when and ONLY when and IF you feel up to it, go out there one day while M is at school and get his stuff.
Or leave it. He'll get over it. At his age, there's always other stuff, new stuff, and his interests will change.
Lighter, if I'm ever wobbling around in a state of unreality, I hope I'll get an amazing post like that.
Tayana, if in fact your mother's cancer has recurred, at some point she'll have to go to the hospital for some sort of treatment, and that would be a good time to go out there and get whatever you've gotta get. Leave most of it behind, you probably don't really miss anything too much.
hugs
Hops
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Phew Lighter – see you let go with the idiot compassion there. (Have to come up with another word for that - just don't like the idiot part.)
I couldn't agree more.
Tay - I am so sorry if I sound harsh - I do agree with Lighter. I have lived it with both of my parents. If your mother is anything like my parents, she can’t/won’t change (and she sounds so, so similar to my parents). As long as she is in your life, the chaos will continue unabated.
After I went NC with my NM, she had a number of accidents as well as a "cancer scare" and for each incident I got an "I could die any day e-mail." I found the "cancer scare" especially nasty because my F died of cancer not too long ago and it was horrific (because of his behavior), which, I am certain, is why she used it.
I didn't reply, and those tactics stopped. (Turns out she does not have cancer.)
My F was a raging N. He was diagnosed with cancer and lived for ~3 years. I was not NC with them at the time, but tried to maintain very limited contact. It didn't work. When he was diagnosed, his behavior - already impossible, became unbelievably impossible. It was as though he believed that because he was sick he could act however he wanted - and believe me it was horrendous. Those 3 years were the most draining years of my life. He was so incredibly demanding. I worked full time and am self-employed - if I don't work, I don't get paid, and I can lose contracts. He demanded that every member of "the family" go to every single app't (and he had my mother to go with him) and every surgery no matter how far away it was or that it took me away from my young children. He would schedule "family get-togethers" to discuss his situation and made it known that the children (his grandchildren) were not welcome. I had a vacation scheduled at one point, and he was incensed that I did not cancel my plans so that I could go to one of his appt's. I used to tell myself that it wouldn't last forever (i know that sounds shallow - but it was so incredibly difficult) but it lasted 3 years. I missed one day of visiting him after he had surgery (and the hospital was 3 hours away from my home), and he raged at me for more than a week. I could go on and on....bottom line... It was ugly, horrific, and completely exhausting.
I used to tell myself that at least in the end I could say to myself that I did what a good child should do. I stood by him, supported him, and helped him through the end of his life. I told myself that at the end of my days, at least I acted with dignity and honor. You know what - all I ended up doing was being a punching bag for a sick delusional man (and woman), and sacrificing my life, my marriage, my children, and my work at the alter of his insatiable ego. Never again.
Tay - even if she does have cancer - you don't have to sacrifice yourself anymore, you have already sacrificed enough of yourself. More importantly, M needs the stability of you right now without the chaos of your mother, with or without cancer.
Please stay strong - for you and for M.
Much love,
Peace
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WOW Peace. You seemed to have gone through a metamorphosis. You seem much stronger and know who you are more. Did s/thing in particular happen?
I love the "Maya" quote----WOW. That is big. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((((((Peace)))))))))))))))))))
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Awwww.... tay.
I knew you'd come to the right decision.
I just didn't know how long you'd suffer, before hand.
You keep moving in the right direction.... it just costs you so much.
I want to fast forward your life..... but I can't.
The time spent away from your M will keep decreasing your distress.
The guilt and confusion suck...... please don't confuse the facts. Don't minimize them either.
Hops..... you're thinking very clearly. IF tay's mother has to be out of the house..... that's the time to go and get her things.
We tend to assign supernatutural abilities to them...... but that only hurts us. Eventually she'll leave the house, for whatever reason, and then tay can go and get the most important of her posessions.
Peace.... so sorry your father went through that terrible journey.... even sorrier he dragged his entire family along and made it as awful as he could. Terrible thing..... you have 2 stories to share that Tay can identify with. The N parent with cancer and the one lying about having it: /
Stay strong tay.... keep looking for solutions M can benefit from. Keep writing and taking care of yourself. Focus on creating sacred space in your home and increasing it till your entire life feels like your own.
You have a lot to claim back from your mother.
Show M how it's done...... teach him as you learn.
Focus on the positives.... the ligh...... growth.
Leave the rest behind.
I give you permission, now.... today, here..... to leave it all behind and let it fade into a less painful distance.
You tried and you were heroic in your efforts.
Let it go..... let your brother take it on now, if he will.
It's not your problem any more..... your new life with M and the rat and the pooch..... your job that values you.
That's your future.
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Hops, I know she's supposed to go to the hospital this week for more tests, but I don't know when that is. I only hear information third hand so I don't know her schedule. I stupidly ask for this information. My brother said all she does is sit in her chair and sleep.
FP, that is a very sad story, thank you for sharing it. I am never quite certain if my NM's health scares are real or not. She did have cancer at one point. I was in high school at the time, and I ended up taking care of her, my father and the house. I remember having an emotional breakdown at a band competition because I was still trying to be a "normal" teenager. Looking back, my M never once asked how I was handling the situation. There was never any offer to let me talk to someone. I was just expected to do all of this work, stay a straight A student and make her look good. So I can really related to your story. She kept telling that she just prayed she would live until I graduated from high school, because that's what she wanted to see.
I just don't want to go through all of that again. I don't want M to go through it either. I'm sorry she's sick, but at some point she has to take care of herself.
Lighter, strangely enough, today I don't feel guilty about this decision to remain NC. Today, I feel pretty darn good. Maybe that's the drugs kicking in finally. I still feel tired, but I do feel good.
There's a few things at the other house that I would like to have, but if I can't get them, then I'll do without them until I can get them. For all I know my mother has thrown them out or packed them up.
I sent two books off to publishers this weekend. I wrote the publicity blurb for another one . . . yes, I feel good. I feel like I might be able to rejoin life again.
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Tayana wrote: "I sent two books off to publishers this weekend. I wrote the publicity blurb for another one . . . yes, I feel good. I feel like I might be able to rejoin life again."
How lovely to feel that fresh energy..... and hope, tay.
About your brother having no information about when your mother goes to the Dr..... I bet he'll be told, at some point.
Maybe he can manage to relate it to you in a timely fashion?
I don't like the idea of your having to give up all your stuff, truth be known. Part of me really wants you to get the most important of stuff... bc that's fair.
I don't think it's worth the trouble of dealing with your mother, however: /
Glad you're feeling better tho: )
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You know what Lighter? I was just thinking there's not that much there I really want. I'd like to have the rest of my pictures, some clothes, M's stuff. The rest? I just don't care. If it comes back, it comes back.
My brother mentioned a date that my mom is going for tests, but not exact times, so I don't know when that would be.
I like all this energy. It's good.
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Hi Ami,
I think for me it has been a gradual process since NC, but right now I seem to be on an upswell with life boat firmly underneath me.
My NM did drop in unexpectedly the other day - and while I was upset at first, I got over it very quickly. Ironically, all she accomplished was to remind me why I went NC. It was also a huge eye-opener as to how much I have changed in the past year.
Thanks for asking!!
Peace
PS - the Maya quote - saw that and immediately thought of how much I used to live with 2 mitts, and somehow, one hand has become free and I have been throwing BS back. One of the tricks I have been using is to throw it back with humor if possible - has really helped me to lighten up (I definitely needed that) and find the fun in life again.
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My brother mentioned a date that my mom is going for tests, but not exact times, so I don't know when that would be.
I like all this energy. It's good.
I'll dawn my special sneaky deaky pith helmet for the occassion. Keep your ears open.... we'er going in when she goes for tests.
You pick out what you want..... I'll ferry it to the car.
We'll be out in under 2 hours.
Plenty of time to have a near miss and giggle all that energy off, lol!
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I have to confess about how "wimpy" I am . My M sent me a little note card with "I love you" on it. I had two great days of no contact.In these days,I could feel myself taking my life "back" from where I "left " it( with her). NOW,I am so "desperate" for a drop of love that I "want" to go back".
I am not going to. However, I can see the desperation in me that I have had for my whole life. I felt like I could never be "whole" without her. I got the false notion that my "integrity( as in wholeness) depended on her -- that I would always be a half a person without a good relationship with a mother.
I probably got it from studying Psychology for all those years. As much as people rely on Psychology ,it is just "mans" theories and they are always changing, too.I am finding my core ,now. My M is a "core eater".
I am just admitting this( that I want contact) b/c I know that it is part of the "sickness" of going back to the abusive person.It is the cycle . Pray for me,please.. I could use it. Thanks so much for listening and being there. Love Ami
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Hi Ami,
Why does this not surprise me? They are typical - aren't they? The push, pull, push, pull until you don't know which way is up.
I got this too. My NM has tried everything ..... the anger (how dare you), guilt (you have destroyed my family), the "parental authority (I am your mother)," the poor helpless me (I am loney and need help), the you will regret (I won't live forever)..... repeat from anger....ad nauseum. Only good news is that it has decreased over time.
What really helped me is to create a list of the reasons why I went NC.
I think the problem is 2-fold: 1) we want so badly for a real relationship (and I don't know that the hope ever completely dies, it just dies down a little bit (IME so far) and 2) over time and distance we forget how truly bad it was, which is a good thing as it helps us let go of the negative emotions, but it is also a bad thing, because we start to think it might work.
Whenever I start to have those doubts, I pull out that list (also a letter I wrote but never sent and some nasty e-mails that she wrote to me) to remind myself. I don't let it upset me as it used to, rather I use it to bolster the decision.
It is hard. They play the game so well.
((((((((((((Hang in there))))))))))))))
Peace
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Ami Spine o' Steel...
Maybe she does think she loves you, maybe she does love you in the walnut-sized part of her psyche that contains a bit of love. That's good that SHE recognizes it, and may it comfort her in the long old age ahead.
Meanwhile. IMO, the fact that she may have scraped up a dried crumb of love out of the refrigerator of her heart has zero, zip, nada to do with YOUR drive toward health and wholeness which is for the next five years, for example, completely dependent on your maintaining NC, imo.
No law says she can't say or semaphore that she found a notecard that says love on it.
No law says that this should have any manifestation whatsoever in the real world, where you continue to try to heal from a very twisted childhood. So, she wrote a note. Fine, this is America, she can send a note. (In America--at least for now--you can also: return a note unopened, not make a call, shred a note unread, use a note to light sage, or calmly discard it as you would a cigarette you found when you'd been smoke free for a while.)
However, you are still busy doing the healing you're doing and a little notecard cannot set the universe on its ear, not after you've worked so hard to acknowledge the universe's law of reality.
YOU CAN'T HANDLE CONTACT RIGHT NOW AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU FOR NOT "CHANGING BACK."
Don't slip, Ami. You just did slip. She senses this. Two days ago you talked to her. Now suddenly you receive a note. Picture a chisel. She's banging on the other end of it.
hugs
Hops
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Hey Ami, I know how hard it is. A part of me keeps hoping that my NM will call or visit or something and tell me this was all a silly misunderstanding that she really does care. Then I remember that she thinks I hate her, that I'm trying to keep M away from her, and everything I do, I do it to intentionally hurt her. You know what your NM is, Ami, just think about that when you want to contact her.
I wrote my NM a letter and sometimes I look back at it, and I'm reminded how badly she's hurt me.
I got this too. My NM has tried everything ..... the anger (how dare you), guilt (you have destroyed my family), the "parental authority (I am your mother)," the poor helpless me (I am loney and need help), the you will regret (I won't live forever)..... repeat from anger....ad nauseum. Only good news is that it has decreased over time.
What really helped me is to create a list of the reasons why I went NC.
I think the problem is 2-fold: 1) we want so badly for a real relationship (and I don't know that the hope ever completely dies, it just dies down a little bit (IME so far) and 2) over time and distance we forget how truly bad it was, which is a good thing as it helps us let go of the negative emotions, but it is also a bad thing, because we start to think it might work.
I think what FP said is very true. I got all of the above. "You're killing your father."
"I just don't know what I'll do with you."
"I won't live forever. I don't have much time left."
"I'm your mother and family is all you've got. You think these friends of yours are going to stick around, well they won't. In a few years you'll grow apart and then where will you be. Family is all you can count on."
We want badly to have a real, loving relationship with our mothers, but our mothers simply aren't capable of that. I would love to have a mother I could be honest with, that I could talk to and cry on her shoulder and have her understand. Instead, she tells me I'm getting what I deserve. When I think about contacting my mother, all I can think about is that she'll blame me for her health problems and accuse me of things I haven't done. My sanity and health are more important than that.
If she was truly worried and if she truly cared, she would contact me and actually be concerned.
Ami, do what FP said, make a list of the reasons you went no contact. The book I'm reading says that sometimes relationships with parents are so abusive and destructive the only thing a child (even an adult child) can is sever all contact.
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Dear Peace, Hops and Tayana,
You guys are the BEST. Thank you so much for your caring. You are so right. I was even too embarrassed to write how I was feeling. I am glad that I did. I feel so much better ,now, after reading your responses.
Love Ami
(((((((((((((((Hops, Peace, Tayana))))))))))))))))))) Hugs of Thanks