Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: DivineSunshine on November 07, 2007, 04:27:31 AM
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I just wanted to quick update since it is the middle of the night, but I called to report the email violations and texts to the kids and the police arrested him!
Comforting---?? Yikes! Kinda? Surreal, I guess.
I guess I am speechless and up all night because I kicked the hornets nest here, again. And I am still scared of his "kin". Tomorrows gonna be interesting!
Check back tomorrow. I just wanted to update.
Sunny
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Dear Sunny,
I truly am inspired by your courage. I have been so 'wimpy' when I should have been strong.I wish all the joy and happiness that life holds to be yours when this awful dilemma is over.
You are in my prayers Love Ami
(((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))
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You found some support and availed yourself to it.
That was exactly what you were supposed to do.
Brava for you, Sun.
That's the way those violations are SUPPOSED to be recorded.
You did exactly what the GBI and FBI would have told you to do, had you asked them.
You received support and God Bless you for holding N accountable and letting him know there truly is a line......
it's there for him too (special undies or no) and you're not going to let him stomp all over the Judge's boundaries anymore.
If you don't hold him accountable now, the court and police won't in the future.
You had no choice.
Call the police on his kin if they make you feel threatened, as well.
::placing honorary feathered headress of calm and courage, under fire, on Hope's head::
I know it's not pretty but..... you're doing amazingly well.
It had to be done, Sun.......
he was begging to go to jail, IMO.....
just a matter of time,
and his time came.
You didn't have to decide.... he did it for you.
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Dear Sunny,
Well done for doing what you are entitled to do - standing up for yourself and your children. I know it's so hard to actually do it, but that's what the law is there for. Your NH knew the rules as well as you. He just chose to ignore them. And this is the result.
(I must admit, I smiled when I saw the title of your post, and thought 'GOOD!!!)
Janet
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GOOD FOR YOU, Sun. You have to protect yourself. I haven't been following much lately - are you making plans to move? It sounds like you really need to - for your safety.
Love, Beth
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BRAVO, Sunny!
I am so proud of you I could float.
Yes, be safe and take any precautions necessary.
As to the kin and flock and family and church, keep an eye on your boundaries there too, okay?
You do not owe ANYONE an explanation.
It is perfectly acceptable to reply:
"It's painful to discuss this, it's really a private matter. But I really appreciate your caring." Full stop.
Just in case you need a reminder. I think we survivors-of-Ns often forget that we don't have to spill our guts or explain ourselves or justify our actions or defend ourselves verbally or respond to questions from people who may not have our backs. We don't have to jusify SQUAT.
You have children. You have yourself. That's all the reason you need.
So so proud of you for doing what was fair and right and reasonable.
love
Hops
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((( Sunny )))
Well done for making a good stand of what is right and reasonable in any universal court of law.
If I were you then I would personally save a copy of that website onto PC ........ which is actually what I did do.
Have sent you a PM with details of how to Save that website as it may not be wise for your wellbeing if I post it on this thread.
Love to you.
Leah
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Good for you Sunny! Kudos on your brave and necessary steps!
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Oh Sunny-
I am so in awe of you and your strength and moxie!!!! Please continue to do everything you can to protect yourself, especially now. I know this is a tough and perilous passage, but you are the captain of your own ship now, and I see you coming through just beautifully. ((((((((Sunny and her babies)))))))
In Love and Support,
Changing
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WTG , Sunny
It warms the cockles of my heart to 'see' an N in the hoosegow!
Wish we all had that opportunity.
Love
Izzy
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(I wasn't logged in!)
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Well, my NH is in jail for the night......
Hope his cellmate was one of the hillbillies in Deliverance.
mud
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Mud,
You have such a gift for short, to-the-point sentiments!
So nice to see your smiling face signature... :D
Love
CB
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Way to go! I bet you are psyched! Careful and watch your back!
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HE IS STILL IN THERE!!
I gotta find out what is up, but I do know that he is in there with NO BAIL!! But we all got some decent sleep last night and the kids are in school since he is still "in there"!
Why do I still feel bad for him? In a weird way. But then again, he tried to have me arrested twice already and I spent a week in shelter which was safe but not very fantastic either, especially for the kids!
He still maintains I am crazy. He thinks the woman (my friend---and his old friends wife) he was using to send threats to me that night is responsible for telling me what to do. Still he thinks I don't have a mind of my own.
Idiot sent me 20+ emails, 17 texts to the kids, and called their cell phones several times each. And then sent a link to his MYSpace page to his oldest daughter by text!! In his page, he is slamming me, calling me crazy, saying I stole the kids, the whole nine yards. Not stuff children should see, especially right now. Then threatened to come after me in court with all he had to get HIS kids and blah blah blah. He has 3 counts of misdemeanors or some dang thing. I have been too busy with surviving to look it up online, but have avoided it since I know the full impact will hit when I see it in writing what he is going through. I hope he will think hard about something other than killing me, but my hopes are not too high since I have known him for far too long.
People other than me have now witness his mood swings and understand and tell me I should get an award for putting up with him and they have only had a taste of it. I don't say that to toot my horn, but the validation is priceless!
Gotta run---(not literally--ha ha!)
Sunny
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Dear Sunny,
It is "normal" for you to feel "sorry" for him. You have invested many years with him,It was not ALL bad, either. You have had a long connection to him.
That doesn't mean that you should "relent" in your strong position,in any way.It is just a "normal" feeling,I would think.
As far as making you feel and seem the "crazy" one. That is the M.O. of N's. Do you think that HE will own his own behavior. I DON"T THINK SO.
Keep strong. You are a role model for many people on the board.I am one.
Love to you Sunny. Your story is one of bravery and decency.. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hey Sunny
Is he out and about? or what?
Ought I watch MY back?
Live
Izzy
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Sun::::
Do the police know he you're frightened that he'll come after you, when he gets out of the klinker?
Since he's there without bail, I'd have to say that someone beleives something.
Are you planning to do anything in particular, when he gets out?
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Lighter--
Always the voice of reason.......Still don't know when he will be released, but I found the site showing where he was booked in---says still awaiting appearance in court. No bail set until then. Is that NOT normal for bail not to be set? I just don't know.
I will probably be away from the house when he gets out for a bit. Still worry about his family but now they know I am serious at least. Now HIS Nmother is trying to call people on his behalf CRYING! He learned his mind games from her. Whatever! All I can say is----she got her spoiled brat son back and she can cry all she wants, as far as I am concerned --SHE did it (made the monster) by years of her crappy choices and mind games and NOW she is worried? Sigh....
((((((((AMI)))))))) You keep me going, girl.
Izzy,
You are so funny!
NO ONE knows I post here and I have left no tracks anywhere, no one would even guess my screen name or anything----- I think I have done well with that, only if someone here recognized my story would they know anything. I realize that one never knows though. Thanks for the visual! Feels like what he has been doing to me for years! (the jail cell).
Sunny
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Well done brave strong ((( Sunny)))
Thinking of you.
Love, Leah
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It's virtually impossible to prove who;s who on the internet message boards.
I know.... bc I called the GEEK sqaud and I called others.... I even contacted Dr. G and he couldn't help even when H was admitting who he was.
It's very very difficult to prove a message board siggy is someone in particular: /
Good for you... not leaving tracks tho.
You seem so clear and sure.... I'm glad.
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Dear ((((((Sunny))))))-
I hope that you and your chilldren continue to get good and peaceful sleep, and can step confidently into the future. Sometimes we cannot save others from rightful consequences without damaging ourselves, others close to us, innocent bystanders , and the violators themselves (they can escalate to heinous acts with lifelong major consequences instead of learning and modifying in time ) You are doing what you know is right, and you are doing everyone, including your NH , a favor.
Keep strong and smart, as you have been doing!
Love,
Changing
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Just want to say that I am thinking of you Sunny and all the bondages you have broken.You are such an inspiration.I am so glad that you are on the board. Thank you for inspiring so many people. I am first in line. Love Ami
(((((((((((((Sunny, children))))))))))))))))
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he will be out in an hour! Everyone wish us luck tonight! Also got served with divorce papers about one hour ago. We apparently didnt beat him to that one but its ok. He is sitting is jail doing nothing but being vindictive & I am taking care of his precious children-----sounds par for the course!
sunny
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OK, Sun.
Now it's your turn to serve him back with the cruelty and abuse in the marriage.
You're right, you're busy with caring for the children.
Now...... get a plan legal plan together, sounds like you're going to have to bring up the abuse bc of the children's interest and visitation....
in other words, don't let your attorney talk you out of alleging the abuse bc it makes his job easier.
Your husband isn't going to let this go easier to really put all the pressure on him, he's earned.
Steady yourself for an extended battle.
It's coming, no matter what you do so meet it with force and stick to your guns, no matter.
Don't let up if he squeals.
Don't let up for a promise you dearly desire.
All smoke and mirrors my dear.... all smoke and mirrors.
He'll never give you anything.... the court will have to TAKE it for you.
Help them, don't hinder.
Consistent.
Focused.
Calm and eye on the ball.
Routine steady for the kids, reassure them you have it under control and what's the plan for keeping safe now that he's out?
HOpe you're safe now, come to think of it.
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he will be out in an hour! Everyone wish us luck tonight! Also got served with divorce papers about one hour ago. We apparently didnt beat him to that one but its ok. He is sitting is jail doing nothing but being vindictive & I am taking care of his precious children-----sounds par for the course!
sunny
You are foremost in my thoughts and prayers ((((( Sunny )))) and your beautiful (((((Children)))))
Love, Leah
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SUN!
Are you OK?
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Doin ok this morning! His "best" friend called me at midnight saying that my NH had just called him to tell him that ---he should never have been arrested, he was cleared of all charges, and the DA is thinking about charging ME for reporting him in violation--which is all I did, they made the decision to arrest!
It is just all too weird---I know he is probably lying to protect his ego, trying to intimidate me again through 3rd party, and perhaps he somehow "fast talked" his way out? I really don't know he may as well be here in the house taking swings at me because that is exactly what he is doing to me mentally & he knows it. His friend told me too he is sickened by his behavior & acknowledged how good he is at the mind games and all the crap and that through all of this I have been the consistent calm honest one and my H has been the irrational deceitful and evil & scary one. So many people are seeing it but I still know I am in for a fight like hell with him and I am holding steady no matter what.
So that is update for this morning--all is well enough--he seems to be content spinning and threatening about court for now
Sunny
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So glad you're doing OK, Sun.
Document the phone call.
What was said, the time, etc.
Another 3rd party contacting you on your H's behalf, why the hell would he phone you at midnight, for goodness sake?
At some point, I hope you just stop listening or taking their calls.
I know it's hard bc it makes you feel even more vulnerable..... not having a finger on theN's pulse but..... it's really not giving you any information you don't already have.
He's going to keep spinning and making things up..... telling his little story differently to everyone who'll listen.
Eventually, it'll catch up to him and that'll be in court.
Be prepared for everyone to want you both to come to an agreement and get the hell out of their courtroom.
You'll be willing to be reasonable and he'll pretend to be willing, wich is crap.
Of course, that only adds more time bc he WON'T be reasonable.
It really sucks that it makes you look unreasonable if you refuse to keep giving him chances (to jerk you around) but you have to keep reminding your attorney that mediation, in a domestic Violence situation, is a bad choice.
The midators often help bully the victims and the abuser won't be reasonable... he just keeps bullying and abusing so try to remain consistent about the DV aspects and the concerns you have about your safety and his irrational unstable condition.
Really, it sounds like you have the systems support, which is a wonderful thing.
Document. Stay organized. Stay safe.
Ask your attorney about having your N go through phych evaluation.
It's not appropriate to have the victim of DV evaluated, btw, though it's often the case bc the courts are more interested in placating attorneys than justice.
What does your attorney say about it?
Can you choose the Psychologist yourself? Do you want to make sure you get to choose? Is there a free solution available?
What did the folks at the Shelter advise?
Is it time to phone them with some pointed questions about your defense, the divorce and child custody and visitation issues?
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Dear Sunny,
The thing with the friend sounds crazy--like your H is trying to intimidate you. I feel like you will be fine if you don't give in to any manipulations from your H. I bet that he will try everything and anything.
Remember how you had to leave and sleep in the shelter. If you are not strong(after all you have been through) you will just have to repeat all the steps you have already done. I know that you don't want to go through that ,again.
Your H ,I am sure ,will try to be very charming to get what he wants. Don't fall for your wish( that everything will be O.K.). If he is a sociopath,then you are in worse shape than if he were an N.
Be careful, Sunny.
I can see how you would have the religious "establishment" as a formidable foe, also.
You are a very brave person, Sunny. We are all rooting for you,here. Don't give in to manipulations would be what I would say. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))
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On yes, lighter, i was not clear, these people have called me to tell me they are backing me 100 percent as weird as that is and THEY won't be taking HIS calls anymore! He has lied to them and used them and they know it & are sick of his games and know me and the kids need all the help we can get. This same friend brought over a 300 dollar gift card to walmart/sams for us a few nights ago since they know that he will not "man-up" and do anything but try and break me down.
I am following your suggestions more than you know...your advice here has been priceless!
Ami---yes the religion card he is playing will make it harder 4 me and that is why he is doing it but I will just stand my ground. It will be ok. I just have keep believing in what I am standing up for!
Always a return hug for you too (((((((((Ami)))))))))
Sunny
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Awwwwww... Sun.
That gift card story made me almost cry....
well....
OK.
I did cry, but.....
I'm just so amazed for you.
Renewal in the belief of human kindness.... justice perhaps.... keeps, merficully, surprising me.
Your story has me cocking my head, over and over again, bc EVERYTHING isn't going against you... somehow, lol.
It's a wonderful unusual thing....
but why call you at 12midnight, lol?
::cocking head again::
I guess his spirit was uneasy and he couldn't sleep or he really felt moved to voice his support to you after listening to the N rave, whatever hour that was.
I'm glad, in any case.
I believe in you, Sun.... you're doing so well.
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Me too.
Sunny I feel as though you're letting EVERYONE who's been abused by a man feel themselves step out of their jail cells, by sharing your story.
Please keep posting when you can.
Locks are all changed, of course?
Is there a big dog?
If not, shouldn't there be?
A big dog your kids fall in love with and who just knows it's its job to guard your home?
love
Hops
(PLEASE remember he will think of 1000 more excuses for contact than you can anticipate. He will be like rain on rock. The only way not to be worn down by it is to recognize with ABSOLUTENESS that every word or tear than comes from him or through anything other than the strictly legal channels is like acid. Don't breathe it in, don't expose yourself.)
I mean, never, never again, open the door. Okay?
Are you really truly ready to never ever again think there's a reason to open the door?
xxoo
H
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(PLEASE remember he will think of 1000 more excuses for contact than you can anticipate. He will be like rain on rock.
I mean, never, never again, open the door. Okay?
Are you really truly ready to never ever again think there's a reason to open the door?
xxoo
H
Hops.... I like that anology.... 'Rain on rock'..... where on God's green earth do they get all that energy?!?!?
They're relentless in a way that makes me tired FOR them... ::sigh::
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AND We go back to court tomorrow! He went to his friends house that is supporting me and got told he was wrong so he freaked out and told him never to call again! But that scared me because I was the twit was emailing me again demanding to see the kids! Saying the DA was coming after me and that he was going to hire a criminal attorney today. And he is producing partial documents to confuse people.
He started the myspace thing , got out of jail, and wrote that he feels like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive!! Calls his moms basement the Bat Cave! Grandiose? Thinks he is special? Ya!!!!
Even tells me in email that he is ENTITLED to see his kids!
Have shovel.......will dig!
Just my thoughts today.
Sunny
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Dear Sunny,
I was thinking of you,today. I was facing how life just does not turn out as we expected. I was thinking of your loss of hopes and dreams and what you had to face when you faced the truth about your H.
You are doing the 'right" thing. Stay strong. You have 'right" on your side. Love Ami
(((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))))
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Oh my, Sun.
The 'Bat Cave' eh.... a bit pathetic, and yet I'm laughing.
Keep documenting, I know you already know this but I remind you just in case you get very very tired and stop.
Living in his mummy's basement, telling you the cops are going to come get you and he's hiring a criminal attorney.
I can assure you, his divorce attorney is NOT HAPPY with all this commotion.
They want things quiet..... hardly ever happens with guys like this.
The court doesn't like all this commotion one little bit.
Are you going to tell the police he's demanding to see the children, in violation of the TPO.... again? :shock:
Maybe he'll quit if he ends up back in jail again?
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Just thinking of you, Sunny. Love Ami
((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))
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Calls his moms basement the Bat Cave!
Guess that makes him the guano. :shock:
I agree with Lighter on the zero contact angle. It's tempting to think we are gaining insights into them by keeping tabs on them but after a time we don't need any more ammo. We go into court with the truth and they have a pack of nutty, demonstrable lies. He can flop around out of your sight with his schemes for months if he pleases, but he still goes into court a looney tune who even a semi competent lawyer can unmask to a judge.
There are no guarantees, but I'd surely rather be playing your hand than his.
mud
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Another thing, Sun.....
the fact that all his/N's friends are turning against him...... is really really bad. He can't mask his agenda or self defeating actions from them?
Sounds very unstable.
I'd be less comforted by the calls and even more alert..... he's falling apart when he can't behave rationally enough to his loyal insiders to keep them snowed.
What's being done about his continued contact with you and demands to see das kinder?
I guess I want to know if your attorney has talked to you about what happens if N keeps going down this crazy path.
What happens? IS he going back to jail? How will you handle all this financially? What happens if he goes to jail for an extended period of time? Not that you have ANY control over that whatsover.
What's the next move if he continues to contact you?
Has anyone brought up his mental state as it relates to his being dangerous or to things escalating out of control?
What if he's nuts?
What if he can't work?
What gets decided at the temp hearing? Are you asking that he not be allowed to see the children or that he be supervised? If supervised, by whom, when and where and who hands the children off? Who ensure's their safety, which should be one of the priorities, along with your safety.
What is your husband saying he wants and what do you think he really wants?
What are the children saying they want to happen, with regard to visitation?
Remember not to use the N word, nobody knows what it means.
The temp hearing will be to settle matters of temp custody and visitation, who get's to stay temporarily in home and how much support you'll receive till the final settlement is reached.... that should be about it.
I guess the Judge can continue the TPO or not at that time, as well. Sounds like he will.... he may require no visitation, he may ask your attorney what you want to do.... SO HAVE AN ANSWER AND MAYBE A PIECE OF PAPER TO PUT IN FRONT OF ATTORNEYS NOSE IF HE'S ASKED ie. Visits with children at visitation facility located at BLANK address, 2 times weekly, for an hour each time.
I assume the Judge will be very stern with both of you, it's their job to try to scare people into settling and getting the hell out of their court but..... this isn't just a property/child custody dispute. This is domestic violence and a dangerous husband. I get that someone understands that about your case but.... they tend to forget and have to have things explained every time you get in front of them, which is exhausting .... and frustrating.
If you remain cool, he'll end up with the psych evaluation and you shouldn't have to participate in that. If you do, you do but....
what safeguards is your attorney saying will be put in place.... what's the goal? The plan? The best case scenario... worst case scenario.
Rhetorical questions... you certainly don't need to answer all that here: )
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Righty -0 Lighter---I am on it! Those are some very good questions, some we have addressed and some that definitely need to be!
Today is court, he begged for more time, after his attorney handed my attorney a last minute statement from him full of lies I now have to dispute. So more time is what we need now too! I have to go back again in a week. Good news is, he brought his lawyer this time, and they were there to hear the judge say ----PO IN EFFECT---NO STIPULATIONS!!! Loud and clear! So he can't run around claiming he does not understand anymore. Like I said he is claiming he will sue me for being wrongfully jailed. We have transcripts of the actual proceedings for proof of what was said not just the docket which he is "snowing" people with on their way so it will prove he has hearing problems and is deluded very soon. My lawyer seems to really know what he is doing---and the best part is, I can reach him on the weekend, which is when my NH likes to pull all his sheenanigans.
He brought his N mother along and she embarrassed herselfout in the foyer putting on a big drama queen show of crying---lips quivering, big sniffels, ridiculous stuff. She wrote a bogus statement for the court too. Full of lies. And was upset and confused as to WHY, oh WHY I would not allow her son to see the kids still???? Good grief, like I am gonna send them to the likes of YOU TWO if I can help it. Especially now! But she began calling me vindictive and some other thing to my lawyer and he had to force my NH to sign the new order or he would have to get the police to make him. he didn't want to see any more guys with badges and guns, so he signed it. I didn't say a word to them, either of them, although I wanted to let some loose on her this time, I bit my lip.
Meanwhile, I am still fending off the hard money lenders coming to the house looking for my husband since he has stopped answering his phone and emails to people and has not done any work since I left. I give them the address he is currently at, tell them what a lying scumbag narcissistic abuser he is, tell them to call me and I will help them in any way I can with info to go after him.
And still try to keep my kids on time for school, grades up, and emotionally stable, enough sleep, while I let them finally be kids in the house too. And communicate with everyone to keep them posted, apply for grants, get groceries while worrying my car will be reposessed since my H says he won't pay for it and it was already behind.............. BUT you know what??? Everything is going very well in their own little way. I am holding together somehow, and the kids are too.
NH had better be quiet now! He had his attorney to listen for him and tell him what he can and cannot do for once. Oh, and the idiot wore his $1500 dollar suit to court while he is withholding food money from his children! :shock: My blouse was a cute on I found on clearance for $1.50!!! And in his statement trying to refute my claims, he admits everything but tries to blame me, including the gun episode! My lawyer could not be more thrilled!
Sunny
((((((((Ami)))))))))
And mudpuppy! Always a pleasure! Had to look up guano------NOW I am laughing! :lol:
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Hello Divine!
You are doing so very well. I am especially happy that the children are flourishing! I hope the grants and such come in quickly- have you applied to any state agencies? Receiving aid of some sort seems to hasten the approval process. What are you going to study?I hope the car issues work out well- my friend was talking about some sort of GM electric car that is being lent to various people in a sort of lottery- I believe that you enroll on line. I will find out and report back to you. Have you talked to your attorney about your concerns? He might have a remedy - some way to compel NH to make the payments or to give you his car in the event of problems.
I am in the midst of clearing out the last of the items in my house, as NH is scheduled to come here again, and I want to preclude any claims or scenes, etc (as well as provide a nice surprise). Of course, he has not submitted a list of items that he wants as per the agreement, so I am up in the air about this, and anticipating possible shennanigans. A marshall will be here. It is truly amazing how similar themes run through our respective NH experiences. Of course, with your children to care for, you are handling a far more complex scenario, and you are doing so in a far more admirable fashion, but it seems anecdotally that these NHs can bring similar problems to those trying to extricate themselves from a life gripped by N tentacles:
1. Guns
2. Police
3. Financial problems due to irresponsibility or malice
4. False court filings
I only have to wait until the week of my birthday in March, and I will be rid of NH Bagworm ( Though I wish the process finished yesterday). I love how you are handling the creditor issue, though in my case my lawyer wants me to avoid giving out information regarding the Bagworm. My lawyer suggested that when I get calls from his creditors, I direct them to his lawyer (he has not given me his home address or phone number.) The dunning notice calls have almost ceased completely, and it is quite amusing to redirect them. As you have mentioned, the whole stipulation/protection order issue is problematic, as NH's seem to have a tendancy to ignore strictures such as these.
It is infuriating how much money and time is wasted dealing with bogus N court filings and uproars, when those resources could be put to good use. NH Bagworm also came to our bogus hearing in a very expensive suit, just as you described regarding your NH , even though the Bagworm was pleading poverty and trying to get spousal support from me! I am so glad that you had NH jailed for violating the P.O. - if only there were something analogous for the NMIL (well, maybe just a muzzle for court)!!!
Keep strong Divine.
Love,
Changing
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It's funny.... they/N's usually hand you all the evidence you need. Statements and e mails..... their actions.
Especially their statements.... they can't refute what they themselves swore to and he's pretty well admitted to everything you say he did. He doesn't realize that blaming everything on you isn't going to fly, like it prolly has over the years, or so he thought.
My MIL was nutty too, telling my N silly things that made me pretty sure she would testify that I was an unfit mother when her son put us in danger and wasn't interested in his children when we did see him. She really is a nut, and prolly part of his problem.
Yor MIL's sniffling around dramatically didn't help your N's case, I assure you.
Steady people who aren't RULED BY ANGER will be the ones who gain the court's confidence.
It never ceases to amaze me that Parents of grown abusive people will stand by their children and bawl about them being denied access to their victims.... but they never considered correcting the abusive behavior when there was still time to avert disaster.
At least that was my experience. They took sides, they threw the children and I to the wolves..... then they got angry when I tried to defend myself. Absurd.... but there it is.
In the meantime..... sounds like you have things well in hand.
Do you have a garage to keep the car locked up and out of sight? I'm sure you've thought of that already but..... you sure don't need it being reposessed right now.
Very frustrating that your H is in violation of yet another order by not paying bills or working. He was to maintain status quo on all that. What does your attorney say about that? Will he be jailed for that at some point too?
Very satisfying to hear he was forced to sign the new order though listening to his being wrestled around by cops in the courtroom would have been equally pleasing, I'm sure; )
At some point, you need to get a credit card in your name alone and charge small things and pay on time, if you don't have any credit of your own.
A separate bank account would be good too.
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Congrats Sunny it sounds like some important steps have been accomplished! I know you will see it through to triumph!
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Sunny AND Lighter,
I am dazzled by these detailed stories and though I never had to escape such dire opponents in divorce I somehow feel my spine strengthening for life in general, when I read your accounts.
Sunny, what a transformation. What a tiger you have become.
Stay steady, and March is marching toward you...
Lighter, you are The Amazon.
xxoo,
Hops
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Great to hear all going so well, sunny
and same for you changing.
If it weren't so serious, it sounds like it could be made into a movie, comedy of course.
Hang in there both of you, and I ,too, am dazzled by such proceedings, never having had to experience them.
Love
Izzy
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How's it going, Sun?
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Thinking of you (((( Sunny ))))
Trusting that all is well, with you, and your precious children.
Love, Leah
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All is well for once in quite some time!
Dumdum (NH) is finally silent for the last few days----what a treat! Apparently all of his huffing and puffing about being wrongfully jailed is only that. Bottom line---he knows I have the rights no matter how much he likes to claim otherwise. Was threatening to sue me.
He brought a statement to court last week at the last minute from him and his mommy to try to claim I lied to get the PO in the first place trying (by lying) to make me look bad, and in doing so he admitted all of it---shoving me down repeatedly, running through the house with a gun, and hitting me down when I restrained him from chasing after the kids in anger......BUT his defense IS.....it was all my fault!
He only got the gun out and threatened to take his own life "to get his point across" :shock:
And when he threw me around? Well, he was simply "worried" about me!
The kids? Well, they should not have done what they did---so he got mad!
All justified! Total N behavior!
I don't check his stupid MySpace page but I hear it is pathetic! Anyone want the address? Ha ha! Man I would love to have him "flamed" ----is that the right word? Don't think it legally wise though.
He apparently is calling his best friend a "mole" for me. This time he thinks he is James Bond or something.
Oh and he is becoming ultra religious, even attending our congregation for our area and telling everyone (my neighbors) I never allowed him to go to church and how evil and lost I am ruining his children. My kids are disgusted and end up defending me to their friends----like they need that extra stress! He does not care though. He is trying to have neighbors work extra hard to "activate" them. They just roll their eyes.
I know I just gotta move, but I can't just yet---the kids are sick of it all too BUT----we have ALL had some peace for a few days and it has been well worth the fight! I know it is far from the end of this battle, but I am glad for the break----even if I did have to jail him and risk being called a @&€%¥@ for doing it!
Court again Tuesday.....wish me strength to stand my ground---eh? So var so good, but every little bit helps!
Love you guys!
Sunny
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Dear Sunshine-
I am so glad to see your post. Sorry that your husband is continuing his war- please keep safe and vigilant. My NH lied to the court about me as well, and as a result, was admonished. Still, he seems as arrogant as ever. With these Ns, we just have to keep focused on our agendas, and not get sidetracked . I hope your court date is for something good, like getting temporary support, etc., stipulations that your mortgage and car payments will be made, etc. I will be praying for you - stay strong and happy.
Love to You and Your Little Ones-
Changing
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Hi Sunny,
You are a tiger. I'm so impressed and I know you are drawing strength from all six kids and from every stupid move he makes.
Remember...nothing he says about you means anything.
Delightful that he displayed his own bad behavior in his court document.
I'd be happy to look at his MySpace page if you want to PM me the link. I won't write on it, but I'm curious. (And if that's a tacky motive...then ignore me.)
love and courage for Tuesday,
Hops
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So glad you're getting some peaceful days in, Sun.
That sounds like a lot of court..... what's being accomplished?
I'd like to take a look at his MySpace page also. PM it to me, if you don't mind, please. I won't write anything either but, I just gotta see.
Some things are so unfair....... raising 6 children alone, with a troll trying to undermine and sabotage you the whole way..... that's up there, on the list.
Has the Judge ordered him to pay anything yet?
He's going to end up jailed, yet again, if he doesn't go back to work and make payments on the house, car and family expenses.
What did his attorney say about his statement (admitting everything you're alleging about H's behavior?)
(((sun)))
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Oh and he is becoming ultra religious, even attending our congregation for our area and telling everyone (my neighbors) I never allowed him to go to church and how evil and lost I am
((((( Sunny )))))
Mine did that also. He told them that I had 'gone off and left him' .... so they had certain assumptions, that he decided to build on for his purpose.
That episode put me off going to any church for a period of time, for the sheer hypocrisy. (he wouldn't allow us to go to the particular church previously!)
Here especially, when a woman gets taken into a safe house, quietly done, unknowledgeable people assume that they have run off with someone! BUT the truth will out and eventually all becomes discernable --- which is sooner in your N's case by his behaviour.
Your lawyer will be keeping tabs on his myspace, and wisely, you don't want to invalidate in any way that valuable piece of work as evidence.
Great to hear you so strong and assertive --- you and your children are going to do well in your new lives ahead. Just know it.
Much Love,
Leah
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(((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))) Love Ami
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Ohhh, Tuesdays court is the 4th time I have had to face him and his games simply because he is claiming I "mislead" the court on my statements of my original Protective Order over a month ago. He has been dragging it out by not showing with attorney, saying he won't show and then does, saying he is not ready yet since I had him (wrongly) jailed, and now he has submitted last minute false statements to which I have had to have time to refute.
The kids are very annoyed that I have to keep going to court for this stupid thing.
But like I said, he admitted to pulling out a gun in the house in his statements, the attorney seems to think that is enough to have the order extended and the nonsense to stop for a while.
He and his mommy are irate my attorney "spoke for me" and denied him access to his kids again since the judge said the PO would be in place but they could ASK to see the kids during the week, but hell...he is violent, suicidal, and lying and manipulative, and I am expected to grant him easy access to the minds and hearts of these innocent children? I allowed it for tooo long as it stands!!
And not only him now, but his mother is in on it too??? The kids themselves have told me they are scared, and worried about seeing him and his family right now because of the mind games and for a long time to come. I will have to do what I can to help them. He never asks how they feel, he just asserts he is ENTITLED and he has RIGHTS!!!
BS!!!!! ---I will fight him----I don't care what they all call me. His family anyway......
Sunny
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((((((DS))))))
What a horror story you are living!
I tried to imagine being cuffed and hauled away right now when I am 'innocent' and it is beyond belief. It is betrayal to the nth degree.
And he continues with a gun and chasing .......
How are your children taking this?
You sound as though you are in control of you, as you are on the right side. 'Right is Might'!
Hurrah!!!!!!! for you
Love
Izzy
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Hi Sunshine-
You are a marvel! A stellar mom and a fighter! Now you have to fight back both DUM DUM and DUM MUM. But you are doing very well indeed. As for what they call you- who cares what the DUM DUM family thinks!!!
As to the visitation, have the children expressed their preference to the court that they remain safely away from him? MUM DUM has no visitation rights in my state, most likely not in yours either (your lawyer will know.) Don't give her or the DUM DUM family anything that she/the family is not entitled to according to a court order. Do not violate any court orders though (I know that you know this).
I will be praying for your family's peace and security, and for you to continue to have the wisdom to prevail against NH DUM DUM and his mommy Dum. You are on the right, as Izzy says.
Love and Prayers,
Chnaging
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Ummmm... Sun:
What was the outcome.... the PO still stands and there's not going to be any visitation with the children, right?
The gun incident, and his admitting to the allegation, should very definately be enough to prove he's not rational or stable enough to be trusted with children. Suicidal, raving and it's none of it their fault..... usually don't bode well for litigants in this State :shock: Especially if there's a loaded weapon involved.
WHERE ARE ALL THE GUNS NOW?
About his mother..... he's been feeding her bs about you for years. He's been telling tales and she doesn't want your 'tales' to be true, so...... She believes him bc what would it say about her widdle puddin..... about herself..... if he's a lying sack of puppy chow?
Maybe this is CB's social denial at work? I'm guessing it is.
When do you go back and can your attorney stick something IMPORTANT on that next hearing? Like temp support?
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Alleging FRAUD!?!?!?
::sigh:: for some reason I thought you were done and through all this, CB.
Fraud?
What the heck does that mean and what's he want by alleging that?
Sorry CB.
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CB- I am so sorry. What a vicious N thing to do, not signing divorce papers for some phoney trumped up mess...You WILL get through this. One last futile N stab at control won't keep you down. And your youngest really loves and values you and the sibs. It will work out. Keep strong my Dear- you are close to the finsih line- Finish Strong!!! The sweet fruits of victory await!!
Love and Thumbs Up,
Changing
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Yes yes yes, Changing.
She will get through this and it's wonderful her youngest will be there for Thanksgiving festivities.
I wonder how hard he had to work at negotiating that.
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CB and DS (and lighter too), like I've said before; the wilder their behavior and accusations the more you know they're flopping like a fish on the end of a line that knows it's about to get the coup de grace on the old noggin with a good, stout mallet.
When they're dodging depositions and discovery and hiring and firing lawyers you know they're scared.
When they sit back quietly and grin they think they're in control.
Rejoice in their lunacy; the end is nigh.
mud
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CB!
One last futile N stab at control won't keep you down.
Hear, hear!
and
Nigh, nigh!
(per Mud)
Quick-from-work bracing whack on the back chuck under the chin finger poked in dimple pat on the shoulder and HUG...
Hops
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First of all-----(((((((((CB)))))))))) These guys are unreal! I am very sorry for your situation! Please keep us posted! Explain of you can. I will have to take notes for later. :?
AND...I will try to make this brief. Court was interesting. Course he had a new lawyer. I was granted a two year protective order, with no contact from him to me or kids BUT somehow, my version of events was not heard and the judge thought NO PARENT time for two years would be too harsh so she granted standard parent time. Since HE alleged that the kids were FINE seeing him. So that means they will be forced to see him every other weekend and 3 hours on a weekday each week. UNTIL we get the divorce final. He agreed to a guardian ad litem for the children and I don't think he knew what that was, but it was a win for me cause the kids will rat him out. Literally. It will just take some extra time. Not thrilled with that timing part, but gotta run the marathon here. He will have to see the kids a bit until then. What seems bad might be good...I will explain in a moment.
He and his mother thought they were victorious somehow... I don't think they understand big words, actually. Turns out he was practically exposed by my attorney for producing false documents to get out of jail, so he may be facing purjury down the line. AND the judge ordered that the only communication between me and him would have to be through 3rd party. GUESs WHO volunteers???? Mommy DUM MUM!! I said NOT a CHANCE! So we have to drop them at a private facility who takes care of these kinds of "transfers." Turns out, when I go to do my intake interview with this facility, that the woman there informs me he already came, and she is very concerned that he does not seem to grasp the seriousness of the protective order or the fact he pulled a gun out in his home. She said she would call him again, but was quite concerned with his nonchalance. He still claims he only showed me the gun which is a lie, but even then, the judge chastised him for it. I agreed to let him see the kids starting Friday night even though it was technically "my time." I figured I would get it over with for all of us.
So, first thing the next morning after court---his mother starts calling me. Thinking she is the middle-man now. Again, their delusion. I called my attorney and put a stop to that quick although going back and forth really was about three hours. My attorney said to email my NH and tell him I would not talk to her and she was not to come to the house for anything. (she called to pick up the third seat of his vehicle he left in the garage when he left) SHE SHOWS UP an hour later and is banging on my door and is sitting outside in HIS car! I didn't answer and she heard from my H's attorney to get the hell out or I would have her arrested too. I will NOT stand for this for one second cause she seems to have a selective and creative memory when it comes to what I say and do, I will not give her a chance to do that to me ever again. And she lacks in social skills--and if I gave her an inch she would take a mile. Just like her son. So that disaster is averted. Like I have time for this???? These people are idiots!
NOW, for the fun part! I get Thanksgiving with the kids. We have a blast and my whole family is over since the house is quite large and can accomodate a huge crowd. I know NH will not be happy my family is partying on his dime, but he can't do or say anything! I let the children enjoy the holiday and tell them Friday morning about having to visit dad for the weekend. They react as expected. With dread! (long story short) BUT I got it all on digital recording. Several cried and all said "we don't want to go" and a couple got so upset they had to use restroom! I said he will have to behave since he does not want his mother to see him being jerky. So they calmed down and went. It was hard and I finally broke down and cried when I dropped them off. I will get them at 7 pm Sunday night.
I get a text this morning. (My sis-n-law got them phones so he could not take them away). He actually ask for the ones HE got them BACK at court since he could not call them anyway, my attorney said "Let him ask the children for them back HIMSELF!" So the text says,----- it is getting weird here and we all want to come home! I text with them for a minute and try to lighten it up and find out what is going on, and my 12 year old says HE is trying to tell them his version of events and it is waaaaaay offfffff! I tell her just hang in it will be over soon.
Later my oldest sneaks a call to me to tell me what was happening, and says she STOOD UP to him in front of her grandmother and told him he was lying and told his mother about his awful scary rages and everything she could before he started yelling at her. He insisted on talking about things even though he has been told NOT to by courts and the "transfer" faciltity and attorneys,----- and she told him off! Well, of course he could not stand it---and got very angry and told them all to go pack to come back to me since they obviously didn't want to be there anyway. DUH!!! that is what i have been saying all along! And then said I had brainwashed them all and maybe the oldest just should not ever come to see him anymore. (I swear he is clueless) Grandma had to step in and calm him down and take him in the other room and tell him to take his medicine. Really! My oldest says all the kids are hanging in but really weirded out.
So...he decides to take them shopping for a toy or something to erase his behavior. I told them to go in the first place cause he would probably try to buy them stuff. He has not given us any money since he threw 500 bucks at me in our first court hearing over a month ago. So I said go enjoy it for that if nothing else. Now he is taking them to our church's mecca, to see Christmas lights cause he thinks he is going to convert them and make me mad. All he is doing is freezing them--it is only 30 degrees out there, so they will be ticked off. Tomorrow he will probably pull something weird religiously too. I know he is cornering the youngest 2 boys trying to get info, and he will, but nothing he can use. There just isn't anything, except my 3 year old has a cold and I am sure he will make a huge deal outta that. I have one too and probably a large portion of the country right now. But he will try.
BUT he is getting another huge dose of reality handed to him by his kids! Somehow he thought they were just desperate to see him! That is how out of touch he is and has always been. Not one, even the 3 year old has asked to see him in 6 weeks. In fact to the contrary, they have all commented on how nice it is without him!
OOOOOpsy, another long one! I have never been without my kids for more than a few hours, and never by myself in the house in years and years. Maybe never since I had them. Seriously. I have been a full time full time mom. Last vacation was 8 years ago--but it was 2 days with him---so THAT was FUN!!! This is weird, and I have been mothering by text and still worrying which is funny cause he can't do that, (contact the kids when I have them) he tried but they would not answer and so he went to jail. But I am hanging in. Got some of house stuff put up for sale online today and he won't be happy, but gotta survive, don't we! He has never taken care of them for over a couple of hours and even then didn't do so well. My oldest was ticked since she knew whe would have to be the parent all weekend. And HIS parent too! :shock:
Well, anyway.....just updating! Hope eveyone had a good holiday!
(((((((((((((((((I am thankful for ALL of you!))))))))))))))))))
Sunny
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My Dear Sunny-
You are indeed Divine in your strength and determination to live rightly, and bring Sunshine into even the toughest situations. I admire you so much and I am putting you and your little ones on the prayer list tomorrow. You have made a way through rough seas, but I just pray that you get the material support that you need and deserve- soon! (((((Sunny and her superb children))))
How sad that the stupid legal system hurts defenseless children and the ones who love them- I am sorry that you were made to suffer by having the children visit the Dum Dum clan against their will. Still, I am glad that you obeyed the court- of course you are too wise to make the mistake of going against a legal order- that way lies disaster!
I am tickled that you had a real Thanksgiving bash! You are really resourceful, and take whatever is available and make something good and nurturing out of it! Please take good care of yourself, and keep your boundaries intact against Dum Dum and Mum Dum. Best to you and your children.
Love From Your Friend,
Changing
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((((((((Changing)))))))))) Wow--thanks. As you can tell, I love your Bagworm nickname so I went with Dumdum! You took it to a very clever degree indeed with Dum MUM! Hilarious!
I was just thinking, I listened to a book (well 2 of them) while I was planning my escape and it really ,really helped me to strategize and keep my resolve and courage. I just thought I would share:
Both by Robert Greene
48 Laws of Power
33 Strategies of War
He is really lengthy in his detail of historical events so if you can make it through, he inserts so many excellent little pieces of advice and strategy throughout that it is worth the time to get all the way through. It was for me anyway.
It isn't about N's but may as well be since we all end up in battle and power struggles with them anyway sooner or later.
Just thought I would share.
Sunny
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Hi dear Sunny-
I am not involved in the heavy warfare that you are, but I am in the middle of a very ugly divorce from a violent N (no children). My lawyer is more and more on board about what a creeps NH Bagworm and his lawyer ( he calls him The Moron) are. I try to abide by the rules and am very frustrated with the violations of legal and moral boundaries. I know that you are very busy and I really appreciate your taking the time to share strategy resources- I'm going to try to find these books/tapes/CDs tomorow!
I love the idea of strategy based upon historical comparisons and examples- very Patton!! Thank you again Sunny- you are such an exceptional person, going through so much, yet always ready to help. Thank you again!
Love From Your Friend,
Changing
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Wow Sun.....
You're amazing in your immediate grasp of your situation and ability to just do what you have to do and get it over with.
I find small humor in picturing him caring for 6 children, though I'm horrified the children have to be forced into the situation.... their discomfort and fear cancel out the humor, actually.
N thought he'd use that time to brain wash them... and it backfired.
That brainswashing is considered Domestic Violence btw. He shouldn't be having that conversation with them, just like his attorney and the drop center told him.
So glad you didn't entertain one moments insanity from MIL.... crazy bitch showing up at your house and pounding on the door! What the hecks that about??!??! Just nuts.
You're being proactive and cutting to the chase...... no flip flopping.... stellar job.
I'm curiouse...... when does the gaurdian ad litem see the children and hear he's been abusing them, raging at them and had to have his mother calm and remove him from the children?
What does your attorney say will happen next?
What meds is he on.... do you know?
Awwww heck.... I'm smiling picturing him handling 6 children, but only bc his mother was there.
I wouldn't be smiling for a second if they were alone with him and you couldn't contact them. Nope.... that wouldn't be funny at all.
Thanks goodness for the small blessings....... you're amazing and that was a very good catch up post full of lots of information.
Thanks: ) (((Sun)))
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Sunny,
I believe your kids are going to be okay because they have each other when they have to see It, and they are the rest of the time around YOU.
It sounds to me as though you've dealt so honestly with the kids. They don't seem confused or open to being manipulated by him. Whatever you've done to give them that sense of self (what we feel is what we feel, and around him, we feel unhappy) is a blessing to them.
You will all weather this. You and your beautiful children and your extended family of friends.
Eventually the drama will be down to a sputter and you will be enjoying a beautiful new chapter of your lives. He will be present, but ineffective, and life itself will be soooo much larger for your kids. He won't form a wall between them and happiness, just be an outcropping they learn to navigate around.
Love to you and them during this steep climb to freedom,
Hops
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Just thought I would update quickly:
My water was shut off at my house on Monday. Had to pay 300 bucks in hurry to get it back on for the night. Don't worry I made sure he is getting into trouble for that. His attorney told him he better get them all paid now!
I sold a grand piano for full asking price in the 'nick of time' so I have some funds again. My kids are home with me this weekend and thriving. I got my cell phone out from under his account so he can't monitor me, and opened my own bank account ---finally! Since he is finally leaving me alone basically.
Except for when the kids have to visit which isn't for almost a week! Oh and he has ben advised to shut his trap and take down his blogs from his stupid myspace page. He seems to have moved them to a more private spot BUT deleted his threats to people. He is still deluded and lying about me and his court appearances and his interactions with the kids but I don't look....I was responsible for his attorney telling him to shut-up already but we have copies so too late! For him! He sat the kids down to read his blogs while he had them over the weekend!
He took them out to dinner and to see Santa when he saw them midweek for a few hours---that is fine----the kids were pleasantly surprised it was fun but were ornry till we got home cause ---well, its weird and confusing. They are not allowed feelings when they are with him so they vent on me when it gets overwhelming. Its ok.
He is trying to cause problems with teens daughters and me by asking them to get me to return things through them by holding their certain items he tool from their rooms "hostage"---then they are mad when I say no-can-do, but we work it out. He tries but it won't work. He is staying away and quiet now and the ONLY reason for that is I sent him to jail....if I didnt do it he would be harassing me and kids right now.
He still isn't working, blames the messes he created on me since he can make me the scapegoat now. My credit is soooooo messed up from being joined to him financially that it is pathetic! Nothing I can't rebuild. And I hear he is blaming his first attorney now for not advising him to stay away from me when I had a protective order--he even told the kids he was planning on suing the police for "helping" me more than him.
well, just checking in to say all-in-all, I feel pretty good about this week --just 'journaling' a bit! Hope everyone is doing well!
Sunny
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Hi Sunny!
I am so glad that you posted. I have been thinking about you so much but didn't want to bug you. Oh Sunny, what a cretinous scoundrel your soon-to-be exDum Dum is , purposely causing disruptions in the lives and minds of his own children. The teenage girls need a stable and consistently loving daddy at this point in their lives, and the little ones need to feel safe and loved. It would be hard enough for them all to adjust,even if everyone acted properly, but his deliberate acts of chaos are unconscionable. Thank goodness you and God are more than sufficient to set things right.
Wow you are resourceful, getting the water turned on , getting everything straightened out and separate ((((((Sunny))))) you are a marvel and an inspiration. I hope you get the financial support you are entitled to very soon. As you so aptly say, you can rebuild your life, and I know you will, better than before!
I know that you are taking fabulous care of the children, and I hope that you had some time to register for classes and financial aid, etc if that is still what you want to do. One thing for certain , the man is a blithering idiot jabber jaw Dum Dum and you will win if you stay strong and don't get sucked in by his ploys. I so look forward to the day that you post that the legal wranglings are over and you are free and secure. You are on the the prayer list and everyone is pulling for you Sunny! You are amazing!
Love to You and Yours,
Changing
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WOw, SUn....::Sigh::...
You have him on the ropes.
You believe you've done everything you could do, and cut him not one bit of slack.
I'm so impressed with your ability to remain calm and focused.... even with 6 children, school and the holidays.
Amazing, my dear.
He can squeal all he wants but...... it don't mean nuthin in the courtroom.
I'm guessing his second attorney is threatening to dump him now and thinking about it often.
He's a walking nightmare for an attorney to deal with and hopefully his attorney has children (and experience as guardian ad litem) so he's going to care about your children.
I have goosebumps picturing you on your white horse..... charging then slowing to a walk.... pacing yourself in the battle, rarely ruffled by the enemie's tactics.
Your good humor and abiltity to keep perspective are outstanding.
((Sun))
You're not reacting to him..... I think you realize that's his biggest weapon. Getting you to react to him.
With poise and grace, Sun carries herself into battle, protects her children and navigates the legal system.
Brava..... ::clapping::