Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on December 06, 2007, 06:05:20 PM
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If I post this, I say UP FRONT--I only want support.
I just have to write b/c I need to. I hope that people can resonate with me, but if they can't I still need to express myself. Since ,this is a board about voicelessness and THIS is my voice,I am within my rights.
Here goes(no judgment ,please)I AM a married woman and I fell in love( whatever that it -lol -- as Prince Charles said .)
Anyway, I have never had this type of experience before--ever. Why was it so strong? I don't know .Maybe b/c I am so weak. It could be that I am so needy.
The pain of it sits like a weight on my chest. I need to journal about it.Last time ,I journaled, I went back to the time that I was a kid and I was so alone ,especially when I was sick. I was neglected when I was hurting and I still am that child inside. I carry it always.
It probably is always a weight on my chest.I just don't feel it b/c I am used to it.I am used to carrying all this pain around with me --everywhere-all the time..
I MUST have done great healing on the board b/c yesterday ,I ate a whole meal.. When I came on the board,I could hardly eat.All my pain was a lump in my stomach.I carried my M there---right in my gut..Now, after many" moaning" posts, she is gone(from my stomach,anyway).
I believe that healing is simply uncovering lies. It is what I believe and I have to trust it. The Bible promises freedom when you face the truth. Freedom is just another way of saying "healing"(IMO).
Anyway,I want to say so much more and maybe I will later or maybe I will think better of the whole thing and just erase it. Ami
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I think that this was so powerful b/c it was the FIRST time I ever showed who I really was to a male. I never showed my soft underbelly before and I never showed my "shame". It is very powerful to be 'seen"and very healing.
Gosh--it is so hard to write this. This one I may erase.
I think that my core issue is shame. I run from it ,but you can only run so far. This time, I picked it up and shared it and an amazing healing happened.
It is happening .
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Hi Ami-
I hope that what I say is supportive. It is certainly meant to be supportive of your highest good, health and happiness. If my post does fit within your parameters of the meaning of "supportive", please let me know and I will discontinue posting any further. I will, however, ignore the judgement of anyone else in that regard.
From reading your posts, it seems that you have been shut down for a long time, forbidden by a controlling N Mother to enjoy and fulfill yourself. You have worked hard to be a good mother and wife in your own life, all the while suffering and denying yourself even the basic pleasures of peace, health, and food.
Now it seems that you are finally beginning to take steps to nurture yourself as God's temple. This is new after so many years of denying yourself. I do not know enough about what exactly "falling in love" is about- it could be so many things. When one is freed from bondage, it is natural for emotions to well up and seem overwhelming. I do not know if this is what you mean.
Sometimes new vitality and freedom can invest everything associated with it with a giddy and sensuous joy. I have experienced this myself. Sometimes everything associated with an old way of life becomes imbued with pain and displeasure, and this can be normal as well. Making decisions based upon unbridled emotion may not be the wisest path, if that is what you are asking, especially in the giddy phases.
I am glad that you are eating well and nurturing your soul, and feeling love,peace and happiness. Whatever seems to be happening, I am praying that you receive guidance and continue to value yourself and use your wisdom and sense of right to make even more progress.
Love,
Changing
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I LOVE YOU, Changing. Nothing you could do would ever hurt.It would be done in love and kindness. Thank you so much for responding b/c I feel vulnerable( as you knew) and your post was very healing. You 'got" my point. Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))
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Ami,
I think that God is giving you a gift of a broken heart wrapped in the guise of love. God wants to heal you and He knows you better than you know yourself. There is so much love and lesson in this experience.
Rarely is there much one can say when we are nursing broken hearts except to have compassion and let you know I care...I really do.
It hurts and you are OK.
Once before I told you that pain is when the past and the future squeeze out the present.
I hope that you hash and rehash and vent, using your precious voice here, for as long as you need to -- I am all ears.
(((((((((((((((AMI)))))))))))))))))
Love,
Lise
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You are right. These tears are making me "real" . Love you Lise
(((((((((((Lise)
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(((((((((((Lise)
Hey, your heart is broken ....not your arm :P
Love you too.
((((((((((((((((((((((((AMI))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Ami-
I am glad that you understood the intention behind my post. You have been very good to me and I don't want to be phony or not speak my heart to you. In your previous post you mention a "male". When you married, you had not come to the mature and free emotional place that you are in now. You have undergone great transformations and this can be disorienting at best. Those who thought that they "knew " you may not be able to fully understand what you have fought so hard to reveal to them and yourself, or may not see it because of old patterns. Also your relationship with your husband has assumed a routine aspect that may not stir up endorphins quite like they used to, or you may have reawakened your primal feelings for one another.
Feeling a new bond with a man (your husband or someone else) may make one question past assumptions. Also, the new bond and associated feelings of being urgently wanted etc. can be extremely heady and intoxicating. It can be enjoyable to be intoxicated, but may not be the best place to come from in terms of evaluating a situation, or in terms of making decisions.
Falling in love can also be a proxy for acting out what one may have repressed- now one "can't help it- it just happened", and may serve as a method of revenge, control, a distraction, as a way of getting something one thought was wrongfully denied (like shoplifting), a way of abrogating one's own desires onto a "savior", or one can simply be swept up by strong feelings that one is unused to and cannot immediately handle efficiently or identify.
There are so many kinds of love. There are so many ways to share a bond and good feelings, and not every way is appropriate and healthy for any two people . It need not result in heartbreak- you can care and do whatever might be for the highest good of both people (again, only you know what that is)- this will ultimately yield the best outcome. That is the key- what is the highest good? Whatever the particulars, this can guide you and give you peace and continued joy.
Just do what you know is right Ami. I know that you are capable and you are God's servant. Whatever is troubling you, this too will pass.
Love,
Changing
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YOU are so SMART------Changing.
God gave you so many gifts.
I know that He must think that you are as precious as I do. Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))
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Sorry that I left you with half a hug Lise
((((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))))))))))---Whole hug(LOL)
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Falling in love can also be a proxy for acting out what one may have repressed- now one "can't help it- it just happened"
What Changing said above..is important to reflect on, if possible. I know that on many levels you already get this but when we are in pain our thoughts and emotions do all kinds of things.
Love,
Lise
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Dear Changing and Lise,
JUST having you here has eased my heart so much that I can't express it.I am so grateful to you and will never forget your kindness to me.Of ALL the pains that I have had on the board, this one feels like the it hurts the most.. Love to you Ami
((((((((((((Changing,Lise)))))))))))
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Dear Changing and Lise,
JUST having you here has eased my heart so much that I can't express it.I am so grateful to you and will never forget your kindness to me.Of ALL the pains that I have had on the board, this one feels like the it hurts the most.. Love to you Ami
((((((((((((Changing,Lise)))))))))))
Ami -- You are in my warmest thoughts.
Respectfully,
Lise
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Am-just as I was composing a story to make you think about what you are doing I was interrupted by a call from my H dad telling me my H mom had passed away suddenly. My H is out of town. Now he is drinking and his dad is. I called his dad and he was obviously drowning his sorrow. We are going to book a flight as soon as he gets home.
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I am sorry,Kelly. Thank you for your friendship and kindness. May God give you peace and safety on your trip. My Love to You , Ami
((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))
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Hey thanks. And it was a good story too.
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He cried. The last conversation they had she yelled at him and hung up the phone on him.
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what happened --if you care to say? How did she die? How old was she?
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A three year thing ended for me and a guy from church asked me out. I was not attracted to him physically but he said ALL the right things to me and I fell for him. Three weeks later he bought me an engagement ring. Next day I could tell something was wrong-he said his ex called him and wanted him back. He went straight back to her. I was destroyed! A week later I net my I and was married six months later! Do not do that! Emotions on a roller coaster=disaster!
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I mean I met my husband. She had been weak for the part month or so. She went to the E R a couple of times and they were worried about drug interactions. She was fine this morning-went in for some tests and came out and her blood pressure dropped and she died. They revived her once and them she died again. Totally unexpected! 72 Years old.
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A three year thing ended for me and a guy from church asked me out. I was not attracted to him physically but he said ALL the right things to me and I fell for him. Three weeks later he bought me an engagement ring. Next day I could tell something was wrong-he said his ex called him and wanted him back. He went straight back to her. I was destroyed! A week later I net my I and was married six months later! Do not do that! Emotions on a roller coaster=disaster!
WE are having two separate conversations here--- the death and the craziness of love (LOL)
Well, I think that I am safe b/c the guy doesn't want me anymore. That does tend to make it safe(lol)
Yes, Kelly, a man's way to your heart is all in the words--- more than anything. Isn't it? Ami
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For me ,if s/one dies suddenly,I see it as a blessing. It is horrible to have lingering deaths. However, death is very,very hard ,in any case.
I am so sorry,Kelly. Ami
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Yes two conversations but it is YOUR thread! When I look back at my three week whirlwind relationship now I have to laugh. I look at him and am relieved that I did not jump into marriage with a man who was much shorter than I with three children and an ex wife to deal with! One thing was interesting-we were "saving" ourselves for marriage until his wife called and wanted him back. He went back to his wife but not until we did it once for posterity-and I got a compliment from him-he said
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Once for posterity--it is--huh? Ami
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IT WAS THE BEST SEX HE HAD EVER HAD IN HIS LIFE!
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But enough about me-what does this person have to offer you that someone else cannot and wha does he not have that you wish he did?
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I had totally given up on ever 'falling in love" or having a connection with a man. I was at "peace" with it(as much as you could be). Then,I just connected in a very deep way and REALIZED that I really would like to have that connection with a man
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But what is he lacking? THAT is the Q. Look past that first giddy feeling to what really IS.
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You are so smart,Kelly. Thank you for caring so, very much. It means the world to me. Love You Ami
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Hi-
The two themes are actually extremely connected- death and sex, Eros and Thanatos-look at the opera Carmen for instance.
Love,
Changing
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Overcomer-
Sorry about the loss in your family, and the upset. I will be thinking of you.
Love,
Changing
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Thanki. Things picnie so suddenly. I was planning an employee Christmas party on Sunday but it looks like we will be down there paying our last respects. I am going to go on priceline To get airline tickets. Sad thing is my H was not real close to his family. The first Christmas I met him he was all alone and his parents sent him one small gift-no tree-nothing. His parents baby their 40 Year old alcoholic sister and everyone else is neglected. His mom died of stress over her I am sure.
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Things CHANGE. they favored HIS alcoholic sister-their daughter who tried to commit suicide 4 times. His mom would say ITS HER OR ME-I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! It looks like she gave up and died.
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Hi Overcomer-
Do what you can to mitigate the stress- You have had so much to deal with lately- death , moving, medical, familial. I will be praying for you .
Love,
Changing
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Thanks! I guess I Do Have a pretty high score on the stress scale!
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I will be praying for you Kelly,too. Love Ami
((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))
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Kelly, hon.
I'm very sorry. My condolences to all your family and especially your hubby.
He must be in pain, to have lost his mother...she was overwhelmed, and he is too.
I wish he had learned other ways to cope than to drink.
I hope you can reach out to each other, find grief a catalyst for closeness.
Sometimes unexpected love appears during gatherings after death.
Have a safe trip, and remember the people are the point, not the ritual.
love to you,
Hops
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My condolences to your H and you Kelly. I always feel a sudden, painless passing is very fortunate as well. If you've got to go, that is not a bad way at all so I am glad for your H's mom's sake that it was that way.
Going back to the original part of this topic. When I had an emotional flooding experience 10 years ago it was sparked off by encountering an old flame. He was the only person I had 'fallen in love with' as a college student. It was the classic experience - euphoric, intoxicating, mindbending. And it was a complete trainwreck, besides us being young, there were serious personal issues going on with him - cheating, promiscuity, drug using, alcohol using, just general values issues - he was a fool about things, manipulative, deceitful. That was not my lifestyle at all and it was very weird that I would ever be with him, except that I always felt connected to him and like we understood each other. And we did have academic interests in common and found a lot to talk about there. Anyway, nonetheless, the physical sensation of 'in loveness' persisted even after I broke up with him. It was flipping horrible. It was very difficult to not take up with him again, but I didn't. College ended, life went on.
Seven years later - run into the old flame again and he is all solicitous and teary eyed and yearning and blah blah blah! I interacted with him from a place of having a thick, thick hide and lots of mistrust, but completely unexpectedly - I was blindsided by an intense experiential flashback to that earlier time of the 'in loveness' feeling. The key in was his evident pain and hurt in interacting with me. In my mind he was a heartless user. Turned me upside down and inside out and not just for a day or week or month. It was a total hurricane and it seemed that it was all about something much, much, much bigger than that relationship which was, after all, 2 college kids for less than a year.
Anyway, didn't end up with him and I kiss the ground in thanks that I did not. Lord, he is chaos in motion and we were drawn together magnetically, in my opinion, by our own issues and I don't think we ever even saw the other person through the thick delusion of our own issues. See my immediately preceding post about insane drama. This is the relationship I filled up a fat jumbo sized journal about (the huge kind they sell on the bargain tables at the bookstore, with the spiral binding) just processing processing.
It is my assessment that this experience was about everything I didn't get in growing up and thinking that this person held the key, but also the strange chance that he also came to me with the same kind of deprivation and all of that.
I refer to him as a catalyst because he changed my life but not by anything he did or who he was (I don't think). Somehow the whole thing just touched off huge learning for me. In the resultant emotional flooding experience, I just knew I desperately wanted to change and be different and was ready to do whatever I had to do and learn whatever I had to learn and become whatever I was destined to become, be changed however the process of growth and change and learning would change me.
Anyway, it was that experience that led me to therapy and learning about enmeshment, boundaries, realizing I was living out the survival scripts of my past, that it was really FOO issues going on in the present - so much stuff. And ultimately, it led to being able to forge a good relationship with my H, and just be open in whole new ways. But I embraced the change and learning - I guess I embraced life in general, instead of that person in particular.
So I didn't end up with that guy and it is the best thing that could possibly have happened. Ending up with him would be awful and horrible for me. I see he is on myspace seeking relationshps btw, if anyone is interested.
About my H, I did not experience that turned upside down intoxication etc. It's more like happiness and relief and gratitude and feeling like we are doing something together - living life.
Well, that's another data point for crunching anyways.
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I think that this thread gets the prize for the MOST hijacks and STILL getting back on topic(LOL). Thank you for being so supportive of me. Love Ami
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Well we are in Phoenix and I have to say that my H family is SO different. No tears to speak of. Very stoic. We did not go see his mom at the funeral home. We went out to eat and they basically told us to do our own thing today. Do our own thing? We came to see YOU!
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I am sorry for the pain and the "seeming" craziness of you going there to SEE them and them telling you to "do your own thing." THAT would be disconcerting, for sure.
I am sending you prayers and peace. Love Ami
((((((((((((Kelly,H)))))))))))))))
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Dear Bean,
If you feel comfortable, could you talk a little bit about your b/f--what you like, what is hard etc.
Your post shows me that we are NOT doomed to a life sentence of "craziness" b/c of an N parent.
Bean, you are an inspiration to me and always have been.! Love Ami
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We drove all over Phoenix. Saw his old house that he lived in over 40 years ago. That neighborhood is all run down now and we were scared. Went to Scottsdale and saw a mall with all the upscale stores. Did not go in. I guess I could not put my H through a trip through Neiman Marcus. This man still complains about the cost when I make him drive through Starbucks. Still have not seen his family. Now I would rather put on my jammies and veg.
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Hi Overcomer-
I am praying for you and yours. Just do your best to support your husband, and don't worry about what you have no control over. There are some beautiful and interesting sights in Arizona- hope you get to see the desert , etc during your stay. Have a good rest and pace yourself through the day.
Love,
Changing
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Just thinking of you and praying for you ,Kelly.I bet that you are a great support for your H. Thanks for your friendship. It means a lot to me. Love Ami
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Dear Bean,
Thank you for sharing about your b/f. Once again,you give me hope that we really CAN live a full life ,even though we had N parents.
I think the fact that he rocked you while you were grieving your parents covers a "multitude of sins".I think that you do ,too.
It seems like you are on the same "wavelength", which is crucial. You like him and feel passion for him.
I like that you and he try to work to "fit together'. I think that you have a "normal" relationship. I think that you have gotten away from N craziness ,to a large extent.
I guess that when you faced the truth about your FOO, you were free to truly face yourself and life.
I really wish I could meet you in 3 D,Bean. I think that you are "neat" . Thanks for answering Bean. Love Ami
((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))
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I am so sorry you are hurting that much. I know exactly what you mean about it being a powerful experience b/c it was the first time you really showed your "soft underbelly" to a male. Boy, does that resonate with me. I made the mistake of doing that with an N and, man, did that hurt when my core was not appreciated or treated well. You are too sweet, smart, generous to be mistreated. The person you fell in love with obviously was not capable of appreciating you. I thin us N-survivors have had our cores hollowed out, making us deeper and more appreciative - since you seem to like Gibran, that's one of his. We can contained more joy, more compassion, more empathy thatn those who have not been hollowed out. You're one of those with deepness and love in your core. He apparently is one of those who had no room inside himself to contain you.
Kate
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Thank you towrite,
You gave me a needed bit of TLC, friend.
I am seeing that no one REALLY "destroy" you without your "permission". We will be hurt if we 'love', but destroyed ONLY if we let shame overwhelm us.
I am so happy to be seeing this.I am so glad for every broken thing and every screwed up thing b/c it is ALL part of learning. I stopped learning and hid behind' Miss Nice" since my early teens.
WHATEVER happens to me,it is happening to ME---NOT Miss Nice( the fake)
, I feel more alive. I feel ready to go forward--maybe as a" Bull in a china shop" BUT as me-- the best me I can be at the moment. Maybe, tomorrow there will be a more mature me.I anticipate that there will be--in time.. Ami
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I think that I have the answer on "What to do when your heart is going to break?".You FEEL the pain.You embrace the pain b/c chances are it is FOO pain.. IF it were only situational pain it would hurt. However,IF it is FOO pain--it rages and hurts like HELL.
So, I learned an important lesson. my pain has not killed me ,so far. Last night was 'bad". However,today,I feel cleansed and purified.I don't feel as "needy"
I feel a little more centered. I know that this is just the beginning of the process of "coming together" or getting whole. However,it IS a step.Thanks for listening Ami
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Hi Ami-
It seems at night we have to stay put with our torments without the daily distractions, and it can be quite hard to handle the unmitigated pain in the seemingly endless darkness. I am glad that you are doing better this morning. You are healing from so much at this time- don't invest any one hurt with too much significance or magic- I know that you will sort things out. Hope you continue to feel better and better.
Love,
Changing
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You are so smart, Changing. I know what you mean, Love Ami
((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))