Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: janisty07 on December 09, 2007, 03:52:26 PM
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I've been stuck lately dwelling and obsessing over this thing with my sister. I guess the big question that i have is do n ever
think about us? I wonder if my n sister ever thinks about me or misses me after being detached for such a long time..? :(
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Hi Janis,
As far as I can tell, no.
tt
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I'm afrad I have to go with the No answer also. And if they tell you they do, don't believe them, its just another trick in the book of Nism.
axa
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Hi Jan,
Even if/when they DO think about us, does that result in a happy reciprocal relationship?
So honestly...it does not matter whether they think of us or not.
(That would be another thing you can't control, right?)
Hops
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Dear ((( Jan )))
From my own personal experience, alas, no, as my Nsister enjoyed travel far and wide, while I was left alone in the FOG, then the mist.
But, our day arrives, as we become whole, we anchor on solid ground, and then we let go.
While sadly, they remain empty vessels, drifting upon the waves, tossing to and fro.
Upon reflection, it is quite natural to be thinking the thoughts that you have, as back then, they were my thoughts also.
During this, your initial 'finding out' stage while in trauma/shock and grief, of the finality, of No Contact.
It's not possible to just cut off --- our Nsister can, because N's are empty vessels (poor souls).
We can't just cut-off --- because we are different.
Not in our power to change them, however, we can have serenity to accept the difference.
Presently, you are working through the process, seeking answers, in order to reach an understanding -- which will bring empowerment.
Love, Leah
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Leah, I agree and think I have finally reached the no contact stage (it's been 10 weeks). I have often wondered the same thing but I somewhat disagree. I believe that N"s think of us. BUT not in the same way we think or gireve for them. They miss what we gave to them, until someone else comes along and provides it. N's mother once told me, when he is through with someone he banishes them from his life. I should have had more insight because that is exactly what happened. The main thing that keeps me able to maintain no contact, I know if I were to call it would only make him feel more important to me and he would still be cold and cruel.
Jan, I can feel your pain and only hope it lessens with time.
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Izzy-
Stream of consciousness- actually quite revelatory and informative at a deep level, though it is a looong sentence!
Love,
Changing
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Agree wholeheartedly with you both Alone and Izzy, regarding the N supply aspect, of the N.
I was simply referring to Nsister's - as in Jan's situation, so I omitted the N supply.
Thinking now about the N supply aspect appertaining to my Nsister, she may have had thoughts of me, thoughts of who is to replace the supply in the previous many many various forms. However, I do know she had a replacement, already in place.
But in any case, Nsister, certainly won't have had the same thoughts that I had, the same thoughts that Jan has right now.
That's the difference.
'Normal' thoughts versus 'N supply' thoughts!
What's 'normal' thoughts?
Standard - Average - Usual - Regular - Ordinary Thoughts that belong to a Non-N!
Empowering reality!
Love, Leah
PS. Love your very looong sentence, Changing
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Jan,
I felt so guilty when I stopped having regular contact with NM. And then she never initiated contact with me, so I thought she was angry. And then, when I did talk to her, it was as if she hardly remembered I existed. Now when (the very rare time) she contacts me, it is because someone has mentioned me so she remembers I exist. Most likely they ask how we are and she has no idea. I would venture to say she is absloutely uninterested in my life of the lives of her grandchildren.
Love, Beth
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Now when (the very rare time) she contacts me, it is because someone has mentioned me so she remembers I exist. Most likely they ask how we are and she has no idea
Dear Beth,
That has struck a real chord with me. That's why my Ndad phones me up asking certain questions --- it's because someone has asked about his daughter and he would be stumped! Because he has not taken any interest, he has nothing to respond with, to the enquirer!
Love, Leah
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I have found out that if someone were to ask my sister about me, she immediately goes into her victim role, and goes on and on about how I don't talk to her..and about how badly I treat her. She never picks up the phone to give me a call to see how things are, because she doesn't care.
The only time that she ever did pick up the phone to call me was after being at meeting that both her and my father were attending, and her and my father ended up having words, (because she flew into a n rage again...! with him) she ran out of the meeting.. (can you believe this was a CHURCH meeting!) as soon as she got home she called me and my son answered it without knowing any better... and he handed me the phone, as soon as I got Hello out of my mouth she started screaming....." I hope your happy", I said "what are you talking about?:".... and she replied "You're getting everything you've ever wanted, and I hope you're happy..".. I replied " please tell me what it is I'm getting that I've ever wanted because you are not making sense.. and I hung up. That was the last phone call she ever made to me..
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Dear ((( Jan )))
Gosh, she sounds like my Nsister :( Honestly.
Except, she raged down the phone that she was going to 'finish' me. The way she worked that threat, truly, reads 'text book' horror.
She and my mother loved 'raging' honestly, and has been their lifelong hobby! Both have tried to kill a partner, literally.
Was just about to post on Nsister cleverly playing her 'Pity' card, which, looking back, was a most cleverly thought out and deliberated plan --- truly amazing.
Wherein, she attempted to steal my identity ...... but needless to say, she could not keep it up for long.
The truth will always eventually out --- "know them by their fruits" (their behaviour) has a very real life meaning.
All this is painful to endure, however, we can take comfort and solace, in that we are different, for which, personally, I am eternally grateful and thankful.
Sincerely,
Love, Leah
PS :idea: it's the 'being' different that creates the problem(s) of which we endure :idea:
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Jan, in my experience with my N mother, she does think of me but only when it will result in making her look good - or better. It's never for my sake. I have had to be very careful when responding to any offers from her and not allow the ones that will give her more control or are simply to make her look good to infect me. It's not easy, but I'm getting better at it.
towrite
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Now when (the very rare time) she contacts me, it is because someone has mentioned me so she remembers I exist. Most likely they ask how we are and she has no idea
Dear Beth,
That has struck a real chord with me. That's why my Ndad phones me up asking certain questions --- it's because someone has asked about his daughter and he would be stumped! Because he has not taken any interest, he has nothing to respond with, to the enquirer!
Love, Leah
Yup, same here. For so long, I was blind to that and baffled by my dad's actions because I always, always, always idealized him and assigned good motives to his behavior. As I came to grips with the truth I was finally able to actually see how he behaved without assigning positive spins to it, to help him out and excuse him.
Reality is like getting a strong wave of bracingly cold sea water right up your nose.
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Jan, in my experience with my N mother, she does think of me but only when it will result in making her look good - or better. It's never for my sake. I have had to be very careful when responding to any offers from her and not allow the ones that will give her more control or are simply to make her look good to infect me. It's not easy, but I'm getting better at it.
towrite
Gosh, ToWrite,
That has struck a might chord. Drawn back into my Nmother's web of Ntanglement, which had been spun with an hidden agenda.
Which was to enable her to 'superficially' shine -- as sadly, she cannot shine outwardly from within.
Sincerely,
Love, Leah
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I read this inquiry today...do N's ever think about us like we think about them...I might add, like we "long for, pine over, have to struggle without, learn to live without them and their phone calls, dinner dates, relationships, pseudo-love"
I also read your BRILLIANT answers that were sooooooo accurate and so familiar to me, that I just wanted to re-post the best of all of them in hopes that someone who reads this thread and is taking notes, will sincerely take them to heart and have a ready, at-hand list of these. Bravo, friends! GREAT RESPONSES! I'm adding my own toward the end and comments in between.
SO...DO NARCISSISTS THINK ABOUT US LIKE WE DO ABOUT THEM?
Leah: While sadly, they remain empty vessels, drifting upon the waves, tossing to and fro.
Upon reflection, it is quite natural to be thinking the thoughts that you have, as back then, they were my thoughts also.
During this, your initial 'finding out' stage while in trauma/shock and grief, of the finality, of No Contact.
It's not possible to just cut off --- our Nsister can, because N's are empty vessels (poor souls).
We can't just cut-off --- because we are different.
In my experience, when I finally got to a point with Jodi where I wanted to cut her off, I kept trying to convince myself that there were reasons to keep hanging on and hoping that maybe what she was, was not really what I experienced. Even she herself asked me"if you say I'm such an evil, terrible person, a narcissist, WHY DO YOU KEEP WANTING TO HANG ON TO ME." honestly, I didn't know WHY...I just kept wanting her in my life.
alone48: They miss what we gave to them, until someone else comes along and provides it.
So true, alone. The key in my situation was that Jodi already replaced me ahead of time, by using me to tell her all about the next person...what her fave foods were, what she liked/disliked, etc...in that way, Jodi was able to be exactly what the next supply person wanted and thus, HOOK in. Soon enough, I was "out, old news, useless" and all I heard about was how RIGHT I was that this new person was sooooo much like her and wasn't I glad I found that out before it was too late and Jodi and I ended up in a relationship that just was not right. UGH...seems so NOBLE when it's told to you that way, doesn't it? How wonderful that I HELPED her ditch me and how THANKFUL I should be to have been dumped and replaced. INSANE
izzy "now": they were at fault because he couldn't hold a job and they were the ones who made him drink, but says in such a way that you feel so badly for him and fall for the fact that you are exactly what he is looking for in a woman, and he is so nice and you kow that you'll be so good to him and for him and you will be the woman behind his success and you're being trapped in the web, so when he spits you you out you just might me thought about again when you are added to all the ones from the beginning when he is snowing someone else.
Oh yes...we are going to RESCUE the poor, misunderstood narcissist, because WE will know how to treat him/her right. We will heal those awful wounds from the last person who just could not be there for N in the way he/she needed. PUUUUUUUKE!
gratitude: I thought she was angry. And then, when I did talk to her, it was as if she hardly remembered I existed.
Yeah. Isn't that freaky? ALthough I remembered X telling me "I can make it like we never took that trip together. I mean it. I can just totally wipe it all from my remembrance." I never actually EXPERIENCED what it was like to be totally wiped out of existence in someone's psyche. IT FEELS CREEPY, doesn't it! Like some sort of sci-fi movie.
janisty: as I got Hello out of my mouth she started screaming....." I hope your happy", I said "what are you talking about?:".... and she replied "You're getting everything you've ever wanted, and I hope you're happy.."..
Yep. Can relate here too. We're getting exactly what we wanted, right? We dared to contradict her most noble highness and made her feel GUILT, so now WE ARE THE BAD GUY and need to feel ASHAMED! PHOOEY ON THAT!
towrite: in my experience with my N mother, she does think of me but only when it will result in making her look good - or better. It's never for my sake.
Exactly. It is ALWAYS about them maintaining that false side they want the world to believe is the real them.
my response in specific: Do they think of us like we think of them? THey don't pine away for us, regretting what could have been, should have been. They have long since buried those feelings and never allowed them to surface enough to truly feel them. It's sad, disturbing, yet true. Jodi walked away from me and didn't come back, except when she sensed that her "image" was being tarnished on this board. Have I ever heard from her again? Nope. It was all about clearing her false facade to some people she never even got to know and thankfully did not get to know her up close and personal either. So, no, I don't believe they do think of us, struggle without us being around. They simply replace us with things, people, issues, anything, other than to realize and feel conviction that, that glob of flesh and blood back there that they just left behind without an identity or will to live, was actually HUMAN!
Reality is like getting a strong wave of bracingly cold sea water right up your nose.
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VERY VERY VERY WELL PUT!
~Laur
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I think N's think about us......
like sharks think about little swimmy swimmies in the sea.
Do we offer opportunity?
Will we grant them satisfaction?
Will it cost them too much?
Is the payoff going to be there if take a bite?
Should they keep swimming and look for tastier swimmies?
::nodding::
So.... yup yup yup... they do think of us.