Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Lupita on January 06, 2008, 09:13:51 AM
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It is unfair. A stranger comes and post and post and post, and never says thank you or never responds to the advises and never gives any signal if the help is being used or disregarded. And everybody says, poor baby, don’t cry, poor baby.
A very knowledgeable poster comes and gives a very needed help to a very needy person and he is chased away.
That is why I have never been able to fit anywhere. I do not understand the dynamics of groups. And all groups work the same way. Somebody has power and somebody does not. That is all.
I have to recognize that this groups is one of the best that I have found, but still, it is not beyond good and bad, still jealous people, people who get irritated, people who blame others for their own deductions, etc.
Still, I have to thank everybody for so much help.
Still, I have to be grateful for this group and the opportunities it provides.
Still I wish I could express my frustration with out being kicked out.
Probably many will say, do not be unfair, many people have helped you here, yes true, but nobody listens to me. It is just that I receive help, but I cannot offer it. Nobody cares.
And it is not people’s fault that what I say is not interesting. It is not people’s fault. I do not say anything interesting.
I feel invisible.
Sorry.
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Lup-Sometimes I feel invisible too. I think the people who are on a whole bunch begin to feel special bonds with others. I also think if you find someone on the board whose story is similar to yours you start to connect. I do like you Lup and respect you and if I was not on a phone most the time I would give you more. Love Kelly
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I think that there is an art to navigating in a group. I have not perfected it or am ,even,very good at it. I think that the basic thing is to have a strong sense of self. Since most of us don't, we encounter trouble ,more or less, in groups.
This group is the same as a "real life" group(IMO)
There are many different people with many different pains, needs and maturity levels.
I think that we will experience the same emotions in this group as any group.
You may be looking for a perfect situation,Lupita. S/times, I am ignored. I have experienced every real life situation on the board--except giving birth. Maybe next???(lol) Ami
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Dear Lupita,
I don't have any solutions for you, but I am sorry you're feeling badly. I can tell you that I come into group situations with not much expectations, because for most of my life I was such a loner. It still amazes me to get one or 2 responses to something I post... and so, because of my outlook, I don't get too disappointed. Just a difference in personality, I guess.
Again, I'm sorry you're hurting and hope that you'll continue to post and move through that pain.
With love,
Carolyn
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Dear Lupita,
As always, I respect your openness, straight speaking, and honesty.
You speak what I dare not speak, you are a brave intelligent woman, whom I genuinely respect.
Sincere good wishes to you,
Love, Leah
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Leah, Lupita... I am just wondering something now...
You see, I do not even think, usually, to say such things
and Leah, you dare not say them...
is this because of our individual expectations?
Lupita, do you think that you dare to say these things because you are expecting rejection
and Leah, you dare not because... of the same reason?
I am sorry that is not well-phrased, but I hope the meaning comes through... thank you.
Love,
Carolyn
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Lupita,
I wonder if there are different expectations for the board among the different posters?
I have never looked at the board as a place to receive or give advice--but more as a support place. It's true that sometimes we do get and give advice, but I don't really think of that as it's primary purpose and some of the posts that touch me the most are the ones that just say "I'm here, I care".
For many of us, it is a place to finally get a chance to speak. Speaking our truth wasnt allowed in our FOO or marriages, and just being able to say outloud what is in our hearts is all the healing we need. If you notice, many times a poster will say that they dont WANT advice, or only want a certain kind of advice, or will withdraw if they get advice they don't like. I think that's because advice isnt why they are here--they just want to be able to get their thoughts on "paper".
Perhaps looking at the makeup of the board this way, Lupita, will help your feelings of disappointment.
CB
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OC, CB, Lea, CH, Ami.
All of you said something important.
I always recieve support here.
If you see (you will say, comparisosns are not good) most posters say:
Such and such, thank you for your response...... bla bla.... I dont think you.......bla bla....etc.
Some people are polite enough to say your name, and comment about your comment.
I do not post very much in others problems because most of the times, not all, they go through the thread thanking and answering, many times my posy is totally igonred. As it did not exist.
It happen to me all my life in my family and my first work in USA in a little little town, where no minorities were working, I was the only hispanic, no african-americans, no other races, poeple sat at the table and if I said something, it was like I did not exist. If they said something to me and I did not anwser they got mad at me and accused me of disrespectful and impolite. They did not even answer a good morning. The clicks.
Even in the school where I work now, there is a stron click inpossible to penetrate. They believe and act as if they were superior.
That is part of human. Just I do not know how to handle it.
It exists in animals, in monkies, dogs in packs, wolves, all animals, as humans, behave in one way alone and in other way in group.
But there must be something we did not learn that we cant succeed in groups. I cant.
Something is missing.
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Sorry I did not mention Lea. Like in the Oscars, it is so ridiculous. Lea, you seem a very strong person. I cant imagine that you were abused some day.
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Dear Lupita,
I am going to go out on a limb ,with an answer. I think that everyone gets shunned, to an extent, in an already existing group. Usually, there is a 'rite of passage" where you are tested ,in some way, to see if you are "worthy" to join the group. It is all very,very subtle.
Then, if you "fit, you are gradually let in to the circle. I think that since you are not connected to your own core and it's value, you take NORMAL rites of passage in relationships(individual) and groups, as pointed to you, when it is just the "dynamics" of the group .
I remember reading about kids who "fit in" in school. They know HOW to fit themselves in to the group. It is a subtle thing. They have to be connected to themselves to "feel' it out. . I was the outsider at first, in any existing group. It was just how it is for everyone.. If I wanted to get in to a group,I felt out the situation, the dynamics, the way that it worked, and gradually became part of it.It is a gradual acceptance, usually.
I think that your own emptiness is translating in to feeling rejected in situations where everyone is "rejected" to some degree.Just some thoughts. I could be wrong. Ami
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I have to be careful and aware on the Board and everywhere, frankly, because my huisband has threatened to kill me, and has done some pretty harmful things, and I must prevent as much future harm as possible.
I have gotten badly needed help here, and appreciate any measures taken for safety by the community.
Changing
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Leah, Lupita... I am just wondering something now...
You see, I do not even think, usually, to say such things
and Leah, you dare not say them...
is this because of our individual expectations?
Lupita, do you think that you dare to say these things because you are expecting rejection
and Leah, you dare not because... of the same reason?
I am sorry that is not well-phrased, but I hope the meaning comes through... thank you.
Love,
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn
It got to the stage where at one point I thought "being voiceless" caused less grief!
But, I would not consider reverting to voicelessness, never.
I respect openness, honesty and straightforward speaking, with consideration, care and respect to others.
But, I don't have much regard for controlling arrogant rude SHOUTING and URGING YOU MUST DO one sided type of interaction.
The difference to me is this;
> A Blog site is where you simply type out your thoughts, reflections and feelings ..... with no expectation of interaction of any kind.
> A Survival Support Message Board is where one would expect interaction and support, sharing, signposting, and hopefully, friendly interaction.
Authenticity and Non Judgemental is always appreciated.
Well, these are my thoughts, my voice 'n' view ....... my 2 cents worth .... been to the international bank and changed my pennies :)
Love, Leah
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Sorry I did not mention Lea. Like in the Oscars, it is so ridiculous. Lea, you seem a very strong person. I cant imagine that you were abused some day.
Thank you, Lupita
You are astute, as I would expect :) Yes, I am known as a strong person. However, believe me, I am sensitive and my knees go like jelly :)
When I spoke with someone at DV support -- the person commented on my being a Resilient Child, which is true, she then commented on how I had coped so well throughout life, to which I replied with my usual sense of humor and glib comment, which is;
"I must be an alien" :) The lady laughed, but then said that I must have had a guardian angel, and sometimes I do wonder, maybe, we all of us have had one watching out for us. Don't know very much on that subject.
Seriously, I am just truly grateful to just be.
Love, Leah
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Today, Sunday, went to church, played well, people are nice to me there, went to eat at friends house, they are nice to me, my son was there, we had a nice time.
Still, I was disgusted, in a bad mood, distant, uncapable to enjoy.
Trying to think what are the thoughts to make me in such a bad mood. GFM, GF, son, coworkers, having to start to work tomorrow, who knows.
Always in a bad mood.
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Lupita,
Sometimes I just have those days, can't explain why I feel bad but just do. I find that more disconcerting than when I have reason to be upset. I don't know how your weather is, but exteme changes usually set off those moods for me. Hope you feel better soon.
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(((((((Lupita)))))) I have those days, too... and I know it will pass. Alone is right, too... sometimes even just a change in the atmospheric conditions can have a profound impact. I hate bein so sensitive, but that's just how it is, so... may as well accept it and then, knowing it can hit us so hard at times, makes it easier to move through it... I hope.
Love to you,
Carolyn
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Dear ((( Lupita )))
Wondering, if you have been feeling that way today, because it's Sunday and tomorrow is Monday?!
I had a job once where on the Sunday I felt a looming dread of Monday morning (the company I worked for was not a healthy one).
Just a thought, especially, as it's back to work after the holiday on top of it all.
Love, Leah
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I was just thinking about that. I was on vacation and it is over. Back to work tomorrow. Buterflies in my stomach.
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With be thinking of you tomorrow ((( Lupita )))
Hopefully, a new term with a new fresh working atmosphere/environment.
Here's hoping for you.
Love, Leah
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New semester, not new year, school year changes here on August. So, same students and same coworkers. Just 2008.
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Oh, sorry, we in the UK say term. All the very best, Lupita
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Good luck this week, Lupita...I'll be thinking of you.
love to you,
Hops
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Dear Lupita,
I will be thinking of you, too. Ami
((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))