Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on January 09, 2008, 07:29:49 PM
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Today the Beatles song,"Chains" went through my head. It is talkng about invisible chains of love. What hit me was the invisible chains of shame. I am dancing with them. My relationships are a dance with my own shame, Can I outrun it by trying to control the other person--bleh?
I am internalizing the fear of shame in physical ways(stomach aches).I am trying to get the outside to act "just so", so I don't have to feel shame.
I have shame buttons on the outside. If I could put them,on the inside ,I would be free.
Maybe,not all of them, but many.
My drama is NOT with other people,but myself. Can anyone relate? Ami
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Yes, Ami, I can relate.
"We have met the enemy... and he is us."
Love,
Carolyn
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Amen,Sister-----the stinking "flesh" again (lol) . Ami
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My drama is NOT with other people,but myself. Can anyone relate? Ami
yes I can relate...this is just about all that is going on with me...oh I can relate..I can't change others all I can do is change me and my attitudes.
And if only I'd take some of my own advice :D
Love you Ami,
Lise
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And if only I'd take some of my own advice :D
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Ain't it the truth-lol? Love Ami
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The more I think about this subject, I see that shame is WHAT is killing me. It is not the "outside" that is hurting me.I am trying to heal my stomach aches, which are a way that I stuff my emotions.
Today,I felt good all day until I talked to my Aunt,on the phone. We had a wonderful conversation. She really opened up to me ,as an adult. It was beautiful--really beautiful.
Somewhere in there,she said s/thing that gave me an immediate stomach ache and I still have it hours later. She did not say anything hurtful.
Inside me, s/thing hit me fast and my body reacted. It was one of two things. One was that she said that I did not seem neurotic to her,but "together". This hit me very strongly b/c she has alway been my role model.
The other was s/thing that I thought she might judge,but she didn't.
One of these statements really "hurt" me inside. If it was her saying that I seem "fine", emotionally,I think it was b/c of all the garbage that I "swallowed' in my life and I was always OK, all the time. It is a huge revelation to realize that all I suffered was for nothing. I was always OK, it was my M.
I don't know. I guess that I will have to journal on it b/c I can't seem to figure out what upset me . Ami
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You are Ok Ami -- yes it was your M --not you.
After all of the talking and getting to know you I have come to realize that you accept people for who they are, you don't judge, you offer really good support to people, not enabling but genuine insight and truth.
You are open minded and honest, you are a good person. I could continue the list but I stand the chance of being accused here of being a controller through the use of flattery...oh heck...whatever.
You are human and that means, faults, fears, and mistakes -- we all got them.
You are OK.
Lise
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Ami,
Maybe you can get to the bottom of your feelings by considering this...
What do you suppose your aunt could have said to you that might have made you feel better?
Love,
Carolyn
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Carolyn,
I don't understand your question.Please explain further,if you would. Thanks for caring, Carolyn, Ami
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I'll try, Ami, but I am not doing too well at being coherent tonight.
It sounds like you talk with your aunt quite regularly. Do these conversations often leave you with a stomach ache?
If not, then maybe your aunt's approach toward you was different this time.
If you are accustomed to your aunt relating to you in a certain way, then her breaking of the pattern may have taken you out of your comfort zone, resulting in a stomach ache?
So I wondered whether in your imagination you had an idea of how you expected her to interact with you today. Can you imagine other things she might have said which would have left you feeling warm and cozy?
Love,
Carolyn
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Dear Carolyn,
Maybe intimacy --feeling close to s/one could trigger that 'fear response". Today,we were the closest and shared more deeply than we ever have.She told me more about her life and her marriage.Today, I was not her "neice",but a friend. I think that I get a stomach ache when I feel close to s/one , among many other things---bleh. Maybe,it was that. I will journal about it.
Thanks , Carolyn. Love Ami
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That's a good start, Ami... and a good plan, to journal... and to pray, also, I think.
You're welcome.
Love,
Carolyn
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Am: I went to my chiropractor and complained of back and leg pain. He told me that stress makes the pain worse. I have had stress with the wedding and moving and my H moms death and surgery etc. My aching back! You carry your stress in your gut! I am taking a class that teaches about rewriting those negative self tapes into positive ones. Pouring positive scriptures into your mind when all you feel is doubt.
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Am: I went to my chiropractor and complained of back and leg pain. He told me that stress makes the pain worse. I have had stress with the wedding and moving and my H moms death and surgery etc. My aching back! You carry your stress in your gut! I am taking a class that teaches about rewriting those negative self tapes into positive ones. Pouring positive scriptures into your mind when all you feel is doubt.
That course sounds brilliant, Kelly
I did something like that a couple of years ago, to help me in my turmoil and despair stage, and the different was and is, life breathing.
Best stress reliever. "Renewing the Mind" so to speak. Enjoy your course, Kelly, and genuinely looking forward to hearing about it.
DearAmi,
Breaking the Chains to set one free in ones life, is truly life giving and breathing, eliminates stress, speaking from my own personal journey.
I highly recommend the workbook by Beth Moore, which I have read through and used/applied etc. And still use as a bedrock.
"Breaking Free" which gently weaves through the healing process of the effects of what was done to us in life ..... shame etc.,
The print set and layout is larger as it reflects a workbook and it is so well presented which makes it a pleasure to read, and not a pain.
A Heart mended is the theme in each section and chapter, healing what caused ones heart to be broken.
Leave it with you, just that I know that Peace in ones heart overcomes any stress and anxiety, of life in general.
We just don't realize how broken our hearts have been till we go through the healing journey. When one is bound, there is hope, one can be free.
Love, Leah
PS > Forgot to mention that throughout the book all the negatives are changed into positive, and so breaking free from being bound.
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My dear friend helped me figure out WHY I had such a bad stomach ache, yesterday when my Aunt told me that I was 'not neurotic." I never could have found the answer on my own--never ---I don't think. It was too buried. S/times ,we simply need another person's "smarts" to help us .
This is what happened. I always had to hide any 'good part" ,about me, from my M or she raged and also turned in to a "monster. Her face and demeanor would change(demons?) . I really DID want to die b/c my M was scary as hell(lol)
So, if I ever was more "normal' than she was, it was a huge threat to her. The main rule ,when I was growing up, was never,ever "show her up". If I was better than she was(more normal), I had to "squelch it" or she would become the monster.
When my Aunt gave me the best compliment ever, that I was "normal", my stomach felt tremendous fear . Who was *I* to be "uppity" and love myself?. Who was *I* to be uppity and be "normal" and leave her in the "dust" of mental illness?
This is so big to see.
Today, my stomach feels settled.
The Bible talks about s/times needing a 'man of wisdom" to pull us out. I needed help with this one. I got it and I am so, very grateful.
God does send me the most amazing people. . Thanks for listening and caring. Ami
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Dear Ami,
I understand, truly, I really do understand.
And I am sincerely glad that you have such a dear friend to help you along your journey.
That makes all the difference.
Every good wish to you along your life journey.
Sorry about repeating bible info as I have read back on the board and you have been given the same info during the Summer 2007 when I was away from the board, so again, sorry, don't want you to feel that I am being a hindrance to you.
As with repeating the 'Renewing of the Mind' also.
Love and "Shalom"
Leah
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Dear Leah,
"Repeat" as often as you care to. It is a blessing and a help to me, particularly that you care. Love Ami
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Dear Leah,
"Repeat" as often as you care to. It is a blessing and a help to me, particularly that you care. Love Ami
Dear Ami,
Well, as you do know, truly, I do care, genuinely, as that is my heart.
You see, truly, I was in your shoes once, honestly, I was bound in chains.
Love, Leah
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Dear Ami
We are not children of the bondwoman but of the free (Galatians 4:31)
Truly so liberating.
Love, Leah
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Dear Ami,
I feel anxiety on and off too, and like I mentioned to you once, it flared up very badly for me in my late twenties. Anxiety is multi-faceted for me, but today I was thinking about how it relates to my fears surrounding my mother's `un-stated' expectations of me. The underlying thoughts behind the anxiety I experience is hard to pin-point. I'm still exploring this, but I think one of them may be along lines of this:
``I am not living up to what my mother expects, so something very bad will happen''' . Its kind of like shame, but its also kind of like a `flight or fight' response to fear of being hurt by her.
As a child, I think this fear was legitimate. But as an adult, the consequences of `displeasing mother' are different. They are still `undesirable' but its so important to me to face my fears, and not let my actions be ruled by those of her needs which are Narcissistic.
Not usre if tis really realtes to what you're experiencing right now, Ami, but i hope it helps to know you are not alone.
X bella
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Dear Bella,
What you said rings very true to me. Thank you.
I am really hurting ,today. I had accepted having stomach aches, all the time, as normal. Now, I am trying to face the cause ,so I don't have to be plagued by them.
I think that I got to the root cause. It is shame: fear of ridicule and humiliation.
The shame is really deep . I feel like I will have to dig it out, the way that I did with facing my M. It took a year and a half of deep digging,as you know, in order to face that my M was an N.
I guess that emotional healing is a process and occurs slowly, as you can deal with facing the roots.
Yesterday,I realized a huge piece of the puzzle, thanks to my friend(smarter than "all get out").
Today,I am hurting ,again.This shame is s/thing that is INSIDE me. I may try to get the outside to be ok, so I don't have to face my internal shame, but it is only a stop-gap measure.
My buttons are on the inside, so no matter how much I GET the outside to affirm me, it won't work to heal the shame.
I saw this ,today. It is a big step .
Now,I see why addictions don't work. You are trying to treat the inside with the "outside"
No addiction will work,but the lie of it is that they do work ,temporarily, so you THINK that they really did.
I guess that I am embarking on a new journey,on the board--the journey to heal shame.
When I talked to my Aunt,yesterday,I asked her if she liked herself. She said that she was at peace with herself. I wish I could get there. However, my Aunt never found God the way that I did,so I would not really change places with her.
I just want to be at peace,too . Ami
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"Slow suicide"in many different ways ,such as addictions, is a way to try to"kill" shame,I think.We just get in the way--bleh.
For me, I am seeing my "whole" life as a running away from shame.
I see that my M could not help heaping shame on me. She had no awareness of it, so she could mindlessly throw it on me. She convinced me that I was a 'bad" person. My answer is ,"If I AM a bad person, what can I do about it now,but accept it."So, I will try to accept all the parts of me and try to ACT right. What else can I do? I can't run away from myself ,anymore.
What does it matter if everyone is "better" than I am.What can I do about it, whether it is true or not?
I have to stop running.I have to just accept what I am . Ami
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I am seeing that my stomach aches are shame going directly in to my body---in a split second. If I even have a thought that brings up that I could be "ridiculed ", I get a stomach ache. I am trying to trace the thoughts that cause me the problem, so I can address them.
I have so many things that I am "shamed" about--most everything--bleh.
One example is my house. I have a nice house. When my M came to visit she said,"What will the neighbors think of YOU in this beautiful house and you don't know HOW to do anything.
I have so many "shamed " type of comments in my head that I am "filled" to the brim. I am overloaded .
Now, I may have s/one visit----YIKES.
It is bringing up the shame of the house AND of me, personally.
So, I am facing what is inside of me. It is there, anyway, whether or not I hide in a dark room ,like Howard Hughes. The shame IS there and will come out in some form ,if I don't address it.
So, I am going to try to address it,little by little , as I did when I faced my M. Ami
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I was watching Tori Spelling's reality show on U tube. In one segment, she admitted that she didn't even know which was which---- the washer or dryer?Also, she had no idea how to USE them.
I was amazed that she showed no embarrassment. She just said,"Oh, THAT is the washer?(lol)"
What would life be like if you could accept your "less than perfect" things so easily?The interviewer was trying to "shame" her by saying,"You don't know what a washer is?" She said, "No"--very simply. Ami
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I was watching Tori Spelling's reality show on U tube. In one segment, she admitted that she didn't even know which was which---- the washer or dryer?Also, she had no idea how to USE them.
I was amazed that she showed no embarrassment. She just said,"Oh, THAT is the washer?(lol)"
What would life be like if you could accept your "less than perfect" things so easily?The interviewer was trying to "shame" her by saying,"You don't know what a washer is?" She said, "No"--very simply. Ami
Dear Ami,
Did the interviewer ask/give Tori Spelling the opportunity to mention the things that she could do? The things that she did know?
Bet Tori could have listed many many things that she did know, and many many things that she could do.
We each of us in life, have our very own list ..... headed up with ........
Things That I Do Know Things That I Would Like to Know Things That I Can Do Things That I Would Like to Do
Interesting thought.
Bearing in mind, also, that each of us, own, our personal 'Strengths' and 'Weaknesses', that's what makes us, balanced.
Love, Leah
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Hi, Ami,
This is sorta off your topic, but sorta not. Just something I found today and thought it was pretty good - about the battle for the mind (renewal of our thoughts, etc) and seeking God's will. It's a constant struggle, that's for sure... daily, and sometimes moment by moment.
Hope this helps http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=2888 (http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=2888)
Love,
Carolyn