Dear Ami,
In my recent reading, I saw something with reference to Fear as being the cause of stomach troubles.
Whether that is a fear of the shame being exposed or simply a terror of being rejected and abandoned, I am not sure, but for me... I think it is the abandonment issue.
When I was not perfect (which, of course, I never was, no matter how many times I tried), my mother rejected me by shutting me out. Her pursed lips of disapproval and her silence are what marked my spirit, so that any failure, no matter how small, carried with it the ultimate abandonment. It wasn't just my mother, either. The entire parochial school system in which I spent my 12 years of pre-college education was geared to the annhilation of any individuality. So... basically, I abandoned myself... which is pretty much the same thing that NPD does, as I understand it...
except that my masks never fit well enough to solidify into hard core NPD. I did not want to be that lonely, so I kept trying to open up further... unfortunately, I did so to the wrong people.
And that was not at all what I set out to write here, but that's what came out.
Ami, that voice you hear when you're trying to simply "be" is the voice of the devil, as far as I'm concerned.
Satan is the one who constantly tries to tear down and destroy, constantly accusing and condemning. The Holy Spirit will indeed confront us with our wrongs, but that is in the form of conviction, not ever in a way of hopeless damnation.
But wait, I am surprised to read that your mother comforted you when you weren't well...
I thought you'd always said that you were waiting for her to come to your aid, but she never would... maybe I misunderstood.
So the only time she'd tend to you was when you were ill?
That would certainly be an incentive to a little girl to remain sick!
Ami, I've seen that there are many Aha moments throughout the course of renewing our minds to the truth.
I wish that it could be a radical transformation of the soul, but that only happens at the spirit level, when we're born again.
The soulish stuff is plain old fashioned hard work, but actually I believe that's a precious gift of God to us... in that we're led, time and time again, to turn to our Lord for guidance, support, and fulfillment. It really is just exactly like being a little child again... in a bigger body this time around, but just that simple and humble.
Love to you,
Carolyn
Dear Carolyn,
I missed your whole post. My M was "good" if I really lost it, emotionally. She was horrible to me when I was sick.Now that I think of it, she was bad to me when I was hurting emotionally, too(lol)
I guess that I am remembering a few times when I almost went over the "edge" and she was "somewhat ' nice----bleh. I was thinking of a few times,only.
Carolyn, that post really helped me. Of course, Satan wants to bring me down.
It really helped to hear how you abandoned yourself, Carolyn. I think that this abandonment is the root of so many of our problems. Afterwards,, we are trying to steer the boat without a "wheel"
We are headed for a crash.
My Aunt never abandoned herself. However, the only thing that gets me through when I feel like I am a "hopeless mess" is that I needed every bit of that desperation ,in order to find God. I was too proud. I really was. My family is agnostic. They think belief in God is "weak" and ignorant.
I had a plan for my life and it did NOT include God. I simply got too broken .. I needed to get THAT broken. The problem is that what broke me-----N ideas--- are still there--bleh.
Well, s/times I think of heaven ,when all this will be a "bad dream". It helps--doesn't it. Even if I can never change--never get rid of these stomach aches and never be "normal" like my Aunt-----I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Love Ami
Dear Carolyn,
I missed your whole post. My M was "good" if I really lost it, emotionally. She was horrible to me when I was sick.Now that I think of it, she was bad to me when I was hurting emotionally, too(lol)
I guess that I am remembering a few times when I almost went over the "edge" and she was "somewhat ' nice----bleh. I was thinking of a few times,only.
Carolyn, that post really helped me. Of course, Satan wants to bring me down.
It really helped to hear how you abandoned yourself, Carolyn. I think that this abandonment is the root of so many of our problems. Afterwards,, we are trying to steer the boat without a "wheel"
We are headed for a crash.
My Aunt never abandoned herself. However, the only thing that gets me through when I feel like I am a "hopeless mess" is that I needed every bit of that desperation ,in order to find God. I was too proud. I really was. My family is agnostic. They think belief in God is "weak" and ignorant.
I had a plan for my life and it did NOT include God. I simply got too broken .. I needed to get THAT broken. The problem is that what broke me-----N ideas--- are still there--bleh.
Well, s/times I think of heaven ,when all this will be a "bad dream". It helps--doesn't it. Even if I can never change--never get rid of these stomach aches and never be "normal" like my Aunt-----I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine. Love Ami
Dear Carolyn,
I have had so many supernatural experiences that I should not doubt or fear,but I do both, regularly(lol) .Just when *I* think that I will do it my way, God will intervene and point me in the opposite direction . Later, I will find out that I was heading for a cliff, with my own wisdom(lol)
I am a poor servant. S/times ,I don't want to even tell people that I beleive in Jesus b/c I look so bad(LOL)
I am glad that God loves us despite our "goodness" or "worthiness".
He must look at us as we do at our children, shaking His head,but saying,"I love that dumb kid"! Ami
I just flipped the page on my little calendar here at home and read this verse:
Now glory to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. Ephesians 3:20
And that, to me, is the key, dear Ami... not to tap into my own power, but to recognize consistently, moment by moment, that it is the power of the living God which alone sustains me. As we're reassured in Zechariah 4:6 and in so many ways and places throughout Scripture - Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.
I also hope I'll know when to get the heck out of her way!