My Own Power

[Ami]

Finally, I am getting to the root of these stomach aches. It is the feeling that I am "bad" if I have my own power(integrity).If I do, s/one wil get  mad at me. Some "big voice from the sky" will shout,"WHO do you think you are?"
I hate these words. They were used to take away my spirit . They were used to ground me down.
 Who do I think *I* am? There was only one acceptable answer,"No one."
 Now, I have those words ringing in my head,whenever I want to get "uppity"(translated confident). I could always be "bad'(poor confidence, screwed up, lost, emotionally ill) but let me be "good"(confident, feeling good about myself , whole, having integrity) and the hand of "God(my M) would come down and whack me.
  I must be like the trained rat. I am trying to avoid the "shock", those painful words.I am writing this in the hopes that exposing it will be a first step in healing.
 It was always OK to be 'bad",just not "good". Isn't that an Alice in Wonderland life----N style.                Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Ami,

I guess I got hives all over my body because I was only allowed to be perfect... never *bad* (translate that *human*)

Love,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Carolyn
 "Human" IS the word,isn't it? I ,still,"think " that *I* am a monster. That is why I keep bringing up the SAME subject ,in so many different ways.
 I feel brainwashed that I really am "bad". I hope that if I keep bringing it up to the '"sunshine ", one day it will vanish.
 I am just realizing that "shame(feeling you ARE bad) is the CAUSE of  my stomach aches.
  I really want to heal them.
  Today, I was talking to a friend. I got a stomach ache. Why? It was that same old "phrase" in my mind---Who do you think you are to......think well of yourself,have friends, have confidence, be normal, want things, have integrity, stand up for yourself. The only time my M  was happy was when I was "not doing well. Then , she comforted me.
 I am only bringing my M up(Izzy????lol) b/c I am explaining the that the  brainwashing  is very strong.
 I think that we are like the 'rats" in the sense that we do get hard wired by childhood messages. I know that we can change. That is why I am talking about it. One day,I want to see how "stupid " it is. I want the lightbulb to go on, and in that instant, I will change.I am waiting for that A-Ha moment.(please come soon--lol)
 Thanks for being there, Carolyn.      Love    Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Ami,

In my recent reading, I saw something with reference to Fear as being the cause of stomach troubles.
Whether that is a fear of the shame being exposed or simply a terror of being rejected and abandoned, I am not sure, but for me... I think it is the abandonment issue.

When I was not perfect (which, of course, I never was, no matter how many times I tried), my mother rejected me by shutting me out. Her pursed lips of disapproval and her silence are what marked my spirit, so that any failure, no matter how small, carried with it the ultimate abandonment. It wasn't just my mother, either. The entire parochial school system in which I spent my 12 years of pre-college education was geared to the annhilation of any individuality. So... basically, I abandoned myself... which is pretty much the same thing that NPD does, as I understand it...
except that my masks never fit well enough to solidify into hard core NPD. I did not want to be that lonely, so I kept trying to open up further... unfortunately, I did so to the wrong people.
And that was not at all what I set out to write here, but that's what came out.

Ami, that voice you hear when you're trying to simply "be" is the voice of the devil, as far as I'm concerned.
Satan is the one who constantly tries to tear down and destroy, constantly accusing and condemning. The Holy Spirit will indeed confront us with our wrongs, but that is in the form of conviction, not ever in a way of hopeless damnation.

But wait,  I am surprised to read that your mother comforted you when you weren't well...
I thought you'd always said that you were waiting for her to come to your aid, but she never would... maybe I misunderstood.
So the only time she'd tend to you was when you were ill?
That would certainly be an incentive to a little girl to remain sick!

Ami, I've seen that there are many Aha moments throughout the course of renewing our minds to the truth.
I wish that it could be a radical transformation of the soul, but that only happens at the spirit level, when we're born again.
The soulish stuff is plain old fashioned hard work, but actually I believe that's a precious gift of God to us... in that we're led, time and time again, to turn to our Lord for guidance, support, and fulfillment. It really is just exactly like being a little child again... in a bigger body this time around, but just that simple and humble.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Lollie,
 Your post was SO uplifting to me. You really do understand (BTW--you should consider  getting  a mouth guard so you don't grind your teeth)
 Lollie, I am really trying to trace the thoughts that go before I get a stomach ache.Today,it was fear of being "good'--confident, feeling good about myself etc.
 A friend said that the stomach ache could be a way to punish myself before the 'big hand " of my M (in my head)comes down to punish me---bleh.
 It might be this. It might,also, be fear of s/one getting mad at me  for trying to act "better than I am"(uppity)
 You think that a M would want a "good kid". Not mine--she wanted an impaired person--bleh. Thanks again for your post,Lollie.
            Love    Ami

((((((((((Lollie))))))))))))

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lollie,

I'm sorry I didn't read your post before I hit send on mine...
such wise counsel I think you've given Ami, and to all of us, to pay close attention to our symptoms.

Hating the symptoms seems to only magnify their power and the vicious cycle intensifies.
Hives, migraines, twitches and tics, stomach upsets, high blood pressure...  symptoms can morph and move and cause all manner of disturbance, till we get to the root.

So... instead of fighting the symptoms and letting them make us feel like less, we can treat them and congratulate ourselves for taking responsible steps toward feeling better, while still digging deeper into the motivations behind them.

I kinda think I've done alot of that, somewhat unintentionally, because most of my old symptomatic stuff has fallen by the wayside over the years. Now if only the high bp would simmer down, I'd be soooo happy 
Been enjoying your posts, Lollie... welcome to the board and thanks!

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Leah]

I need to do what God put me on Earth to do, not spend my precious time twisting into a pretzel in a quest for her love.

Thank you so much,Lollie

for confirmation and encouraging validation.

so glad you are here.

Love, Leah

[Izzy_*now*]

I am so thankful that my daughter knew more than I, regarding her goals etc. and in her last email she said that:

She loves her midwifery career, but is interested in a hypnotherapy course, wants to learn to weld, and has a book running around in her head

Right out of high school was an astronaut, but we are all entitled to change our minds!

If someone has the smarts and the education/knowledge of something she wants to do, then one just runs with it!

Is your mother really 'blocking ' you, lollie?

Izzy

[Ami]

Dear Ami,

In my recent reading, I saw something with reference to Fear as being the cause of stomach troubles.
Whether that is a fear of the shame being exposed or simply a terror of being rejected and abandoned, I am not sure, but for me... I think it is the abandonment issue.

When I was not perfect (which, of course, I never was, no matter how many times I tried), my mother rejected me by shutting me out. Her pursed lips of disapproval and her silence are what marked my spirit, so that any failure, no matter how small, carried with it the ultimate abandonment. It wasn't just my mother, either. The entire parochial school system in which I spent my 12 years of pre-college education was geared to the annhilation of any individuality. So... basically, I abandoned myself... which is pretty much the same thing that NPD does, as I understand it...
except that my masks never fit well enough to solidify into hard core NPD. I did not want to be that lonely, so I kept trying to open up further... unfortunately, I did so to the wrong people.
And that was not at all what I set out to write here, but that's what came out.

Ami, that voice you hear when you're trying to simply "be" is the voice of the devil, as far as I'm concerned.
Satan is the one who constantly tries to tear down and destroy, constantly accusing and condemning. The Holy Spirit will indeed confront us with our wrongs, but that is in the form of conviction, not ever in a way of hopeless damnation.

But wait,  I am surprised to read that your mother comforted you when you weren't well...
I thought you'd always said that you were waiting for her to come to your aid, but she never would... maybe I misunderstood.
So the only time she'd tend to you was when you were ill?
That would certainly be an incentive to a little girl to remain sick!

Ami, I've seen that there are many Aha moments throughout the course of renewing our minds to the truth.
I wish that it could be a radical transformation of the soul, but that only happens at the spirit level, when we're born again.
The soulish stuff is plain old fashioned hard work, but actually I believe that's a precious gift of God to us... in that we're led, time and time again, to turn to our Lord for guidance, support, and fulfillment. It really is just exactly like being a little child again... in a bigger body this time around, but just that simple and humble.

Love to you,
Carolyn



Dear Carolyn,
  I missed your whole post. My M was "good" if I really lost it, emotionally. She was horrible to me when I was sick.Now that I think of it, she was bad to me when I was hurting emotionally, too(lol)
 I guess that I am remembering a few times when I almost went over the "edge" and she was "somewhat ' nice----bleh. I was thinking of  a few times,only.
  Carolyn, that  post really helped me. Of course, Satan wants to bring me down.
   It really helped to hear how you abandoned yourself, Carolyn. I think that this abandonment is the root of so many of our problems. Afterwards,, we are trying to steer the boat without a "wheel"
  We are headed for a crash.
  My Aunt never abandoned herself. However, the only thing that gets me through when I feel like I am a "hopeless mess" is that I needed every bit of that desperation ,in order to find God. I was too proud. I really was. My family is agnostic. They think belief in God is "weak" and ignorant.
  I had a plan for my life and it did NOT  include God. I simply got too broken .. I needed to get THAT broken. The problem is that what broke me-----N ideas--- are still there--bleh.
  Well, s/times I think of heaven ,when all this will be a "bad dream". It helps--doesn't it. Even if I can never change--never get rid of these stomach aches and never be "normal" like my Aunt-----I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.        Love    Ami
 

[Ami]

I just want to add that I am really struggling with my emotions and my "body". I feel very unable to  to get a "grip" on the fact that this IS my life and I am not "grasping"it.
 I "think" I am making progress. I must be ,but it feels very slow, like walking underwater. S/times ,it feels like I am pushing against a huge wave.
  Just wanted to express it.
  This thread seems to have so much wisdom on it. Thanks so much for it.      Love    Ami

[emptied]

Ami? What is it right now in your life that you are still forcing yourself to "stomach" that you shouldn't be forcing yourself to? In the middle of an illness wtih a chronic cough one time I read a book on healing. I don't remember the name now, but it was great and it really spoke to voicelessness. It said about that cough that I had lots of things that I just wasn't coughing up or spitting out. Hmmm

E

[Ami]

Dear Emptied,
  You have so much wisdom. I will think about your question ,today, b/c it is an important one.Thank you, Emptied, for being here.
                        Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Carolyn,
  I missed your whole post. My M was "good" if I really lost it, emotionally. She was horrible to me when I was sick.Now that I think of it, she was bad to me when I was hurting emotionally, too(lol)
 I guess that I am remembering a few times when I almost went over the "edge" and she was "somewhat ' nice----bleh. I was thinking of  a few times,only.
  Carolyn, that  post really helped me. Of course, Satan wants to bring me down.
   It really helped to hear how you abandoned yourself, Carolyn. I think that this abandonment is the root of so many of our problems. Afterwards,, we are trying to steer the boat without a "wheel"
  We are headed for a crash.
  My Aunt never abandoned herself. However, the only thing that gets me through when I feel like I am a "hopeless mess" is that I needed every bit of that desperation ,in order to find God. I was too proud. I really was. My family is agnostic. They think belief in God is "weak" and ignorant.
  I had a plan for my life and it did NOT  include God. I simply got too broken .. I needed to get THAT broken. The problem is that what broke me-----N ideas--- are still there--bleh.
  Well, s/times I think of heaven ,when all this will be a "bad dream". It helps--doesn't it. Even if I can never change--never get rid of these stomach aches and never be "normal" like my Aunt-----I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine.        Love    Ami
 

Dear Ami,

Yes, as a reborn believer in Jesus Christ, you are accepted in the Beloved.
There is no better relationship or any safer place to be than in the Lord's tender arms.

It's just really hard to see ourselves as little reborn infants, I think. At least it's difficult for me. I'd like to be all grown up and wise and mature in an instant, able to tackle any issue... but I can't. I need to allow the Lord to grow me up and conform me into His image, by the Holy Spirit.
Every time I begin to run with my own ideas about how I should be or what I think I need in order to go on, I get a reminder about Whose I am... and also Whose business it is to meet my needs. Submission is the most difficult lesson of all, to me.

Love,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Carolyn,
  I have had so many supernatural experiences that I should not doubt or fear,but I do both, regularly(lol) .Just when *I* think that I will do it my way, God will intervene and point me in the opposite direction . Later, I will find out that I was heading for a cliff, with my own wisdom(lol)
 I am a poor servant. S/times ,I don't want to even tell people that I beleive in Jesus b/c I look so bad(LOL)
 I am glad that God loves us despite our "goodness" or "worthiness".
 He must look at us as we do at our children, shaking His head,but saying,"I love that dumb kid"!            Ami
 

[Leah]

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Sincere humility of heart and yielding before Him, at His feet.

Sitting at the feet of Jesus being discipled.       And not, being a Martha, dashing about, too busy, to hear his voice.

Is making all the difference in my walk with the Lord, all the difference in my life as a spirit filled, renewed, daily, person.

And so, ((( Carolyn ))) and ((( Ami ))) how I have allowed this to be in my own life is in;

......  submission or yielding to the Lord, and, not in my own strength, which seems to fail me, time after time.

Martha chose to walk in her own strength ~ and lacked being discipled

Mary chose to sit at the feet of Jesus ~ and was discipled


This truth has been rebirthed in me.

Love, Leah


(Mary and Martha lived with their brother Lazarus at Bethany, a village not far from Jerusalem. They are mentioned in several episodes in the Gospels. On one occasion, when Jesus and His disciples were their guests (Luke 10:38-42) Mary sat at Jesus' feet and listened to Him while her sister Martha busied herself with preparing food and waiting on the guests, and when Martha complained, Jesus said that Mary had chosen the better part)